Chapter Text
Charlotte breathed in deeply, savoring the fresh breeze flowing in through the coach window. They were near the sea now, on the clifftop road that held such beautiful and painful memories for her. Thinking of all she had lost here, her breath hitched involuntarily in her chest.
"Are you all right, Charlotte?" Ralph asked her, concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine, Ralph. Thank you," she replied wearily, trying really hard not to sound as annoyed as she felt. How many times during the journey from Willingden had he asked her that? She sincerely hoped that this ridiculous overprotectiveness would resolve itself quickly once they were married. I'm not made of glass, after all; I'm a capable, intelligent young woman. It was one of a thousand things she missed about Sidney … oh Sidney, she sighed deeply.
"Are you excited about seeing all your old friends again?" Ralph asked brightly, taking Charlotte's hand. Charlotte immediately felt guilty. Ralph might not be Sidney, not even close, Charlotte thought. But he was harmless and sweet and seemed to really care about her.
"Yes, of course, I am Ralph," she turned to him with a smile. "And I'm looking forward to showing you all the charms of Sanditon."
"You're the only charm of Sanditon for me, my dear," Ralph smiled at her and kissed her hand before tucking it firmly in the crook of his arm. Charlotte smiled demurely before turning to look out of the window again, just barely managing to keep from rolling her eyes.
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Walking into Trafalgar House was always difficult for Charlotte. It didn't seem to matter how long Sidney had been gone. She still felt his presence everywhere in Sanditon, but in Trafalgar House particularly.
This time was no different, except that with Ralph in tow the Parkers were all congregated around him, giving Charlotte some time and space to be left to her own thoughts. And she had many thoughts. So many memories came flooding over her whenever she walked into this house, and now she had a precious few moments to indulge them. Sidney peering around his newspaper at her; Sidney angry and hurt, she realized now, by their argument in the street; Sidney standing with her when she explained the regatta idea to Tom; Sidney when he came looking for her to tell her he was his best self when he was with her. This last one, of course, was the most beautiful of her Trafalgar memories and also the most heartbreaking.
"Charlotte, … … Charlotte?" Mary repeated.
Charlotte suddenly came back to the present and saw everyone watching her with various expressions of concern and confusion. "Oh, yes! Sorry! What were you saying, Mary?"
"I was just going to show you and Ralph to your rooms," Mary explained. "Separate rooms, of course, but not so very far apart …," Mary winked and Tom snickered. Ralph turned about eight shades of red and couldn't meet anyone's eyes.
Charlotte again rolled her eyes; she seemed to be doing that a lot these days. She wasn't sure what was more annoying, Mary's teasing, Tom's smirking, or Ralph's utter mortification.
Ralph was decidedly squeamish about any kind of intimacy, something that Charlotte was incredibly thankful for, to be honest. The fact was that he had not even attempted to kiss her, even when he proposed and she finally accepted him. Frankly, it was one of the reasons she chose him, since she was being pressured to make a choice at all. Ralph seemed to be the least likely candidate to demand his conjugal rights, which was just fine with Charlotte. She couldn't even imagine kissing anyone other than Sidney, much less anything else that might follow. Even though she knew it would be required of her at some point, she hoped to postpone as long as possible or even avoid her wifely duties altogether, with any luck at all.
Sidney had truly ruined romance for her with anyone else. Oh, Sidney! How am I supposed to live a normal life with someone else after what we had? Charlotte found herself talking more to her dearly departed love than anyone else these days. Funny how even speaking to Sidney inside her head and pretending that he heard her was so much more fulfilling than speaking with anyone else in the here and now. He was still such a part of her. The biggest part, actually, Charlotte admitted to herself, still.
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All of Sanditon had been invited as well as friends from far-flung places like London and Willingden and they were now gathering for a long-awaited event: Georgiana's 21st birthday celebration. She was holding a ball and who knew what else she had planned. She had been very excited about it in her letter to Charlotte, talking about menus and flowers in particular and hinting broadly at other, more secret plans for shenanigans and celebratory activities as well. Charlotte was not entirely sure what all Georgiana had come up with but she was sure it would be … unforgettable.
After settling into Mary's strategically chosen guest rooms at Trafalgar House, Charlotte begged off tea with the Parkers with the excuse that she needed to go with Georgiana for the final fitting of her gown for the ball. They had planned to go together and afterwards stop for lunch at one of the new little restaurants that had sprung up in Sanditon. Charlotte was finally able to convince Ralph that she would be perfectly safe to go to the modiste with Georgiana and then to lunch without him. She drew a huge sigh of relief when Georgiana arrived and they at last escaped the house and headed to Madamoiselle Simone's shop.
"My god, Charlotte," Georgiana exclaimed once they were out of earshot of the house and its occupants. "How do you stand the neediness?"
"Georgiana! Please don't talk about my fiancé that way," Charlotte pleaded, but not very enthusiastically.
"Ok, if you say so," Georgiana rolled her eyes. "He just doesn't seem at all the type of man that you would marry, Charlotte. He's so … soft and cuddly … and clingy. You will be bored to tears within a week!"
"I cry every day anyway, so what does it matter?" Charlotte replied quietly.
Georgiana reached over to squeeze Charlotte's hand. "I'm sorry, Charlotte. I forgot. I know you are still having a hard time getting over Sidney's death."
Charlotte smiled sadly at Georgiana and wiped away a tear that had escaped. It was so hard to hear Sidney's name in conversation, yet somehow she longed for nothing else.
Georgiana hesitated, but then decided to forge ahead, "Charlotte, I know you don't want to hear this, but I am proud of you for doing your best to get over Sidney."
"What do you mean?" Charlotte asked.
"Well, by moving on and marrying, although I do question your choice," Georgiana continued.
"That is not why I am marrying Ralph. And I know very well, and you should too, that I will never be over Sidney," Charlotte answered quietly. "I don't understand how the people who loved him seem to be over him already."
"Charlotte, we are all just trying to go on with our lives and find happiness. You know Sidney would have wanted that for all of us, and especially for you."
"I know that, Georgiana. I really do. But if we can't control who we fall in love with, as someone once told me, then we certainly can't control the pain we suffer when we lose them," Charlotte explained.
Charlotte took a minute to take a few calming breaths, fighting back the tears that were always just below the surface. She stopped on the promenade and stood looking out toward the sea, Georgiana by her side holding her hand.
"I don't know how long I will grieve," Charlotte went on. "I only know that for the rest of my life, buried beneath any happiness that might come my way, I will always be missing him."
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The fitting turned out to be quite an endeavor as Georgiana had decided that she wanted all new jewelry and accessories along with the gown. The gown fit her perfectly and was quite beautiful. Charlotte was content to watch her friend in her joy and to ooh and aah at the right times. At some point, Georgiana finally realized that Charlotte was looking at nothing for herself.
"Charlotte, are you not going to choose anything at all for yourself? Surely you didn't find everything you needed in Willingden of all places," Georgiana smirked.
Charlotte gave her friend a little smile, "I have everything I need, I assure you. But thank you for asking as you know as well as I do that the Willingden milliner has a very limited selection." She followed with a little laugh that she hoped would convince Georgiana that she was telling the truth.
"Well, although I've never been there, I can imagine the spartan choices you would be faced with there," Georgiana laughed back at her. "I'm sure your fiance would be pleased to see you with a new bauble or decoration for you hair."
"You don't know Ralph, then," Charlotte mumbled.
Georgiana's eyes flew open, "Charlotte, you mean he doesn't like to spend his money on you? How awful!"
"No, it's not like that," Charlotte protested. "Ralph is just frugal, that's all. He would not be happy if he saw that I had spent money on something frivolous when we will soon have the expense of setting up a new home."
Georgiana pondered this news. "Charlotte, is he destitute? Can he not afford to give you a home and a life worthy of you?"
"Far from it. Ralph is very successful and comes from the wealthiest estate in the county, actually," Charlotte tried to remain positive even though it did disappoint her that Ralph did not have a more generous spirit.
"But Charlotte, I will be happy to pay for it if you don't want to spend the money. Here, what about these pearl earrings? They are very pretty and not too dear. Or if they don't please you, please pick something out for yourself or I shall feel too greedy," Georgiana kept pushing.
"Nonsense!" Charlotte exclaimed. "You have every reason to celebrate and treat yourself! It is, after all, your birthday and a very special one at that!"
"Oh all right then," Georgiana did not need much argument to convince her. "But lunch will be my treat. I insist!"
"Let's go then! I'm starving!" Charlotte showered her beautiful Charlotte smile on her friend, determined to keep the mood light and happy.
Georgiana was quiet as they waited for their tea. She realized that it had been a very long time since she had seen that smile on her friend's face and it sobered her.
"Georgiana, what is it? You've become so quiet! Aren't you excited about tonight's celebration? Tell me about the cake! And which flowers did you decide to use?" Charlotte tried to keep the conversation going.
Georgiana smiled, but did not bite. "Charlotte, can I just ask, why did you choose Ralph? Whatever happened to that Sanditon gentleman, you know, the one you worked for as governess? He seemed to be quite taken with you."
"Mr. Colbourne?" Charlotte sighed. "He is just an odd one, Georgiana. To be honest, I am completely repelled by him. He doesn't know what he wants and I'm sure I don't want to be what he wants! I feel very fortunate to have seen his true colors when I was working for him." Charlotte shuddered at the memory of that time.
"Ok, I can understand that," Georgiana admitted. "But why Ralph then? He just seems to be such an odd choice for you. I can't honestly see you as a farmer's wife."
"All right, I will tell you then. But I ask that you not share any of this with others and also that this will be the last time you ask me about it. I don't want to speak of it again, as I'm sure you will understand," Charlotte cautioned." Georgiana nodded her agreement.
Charlotte, satisfied, continued. "As I mentioned earlier, Ralph is a very wealthy farmer. It will be a good match for the future of my family's estate. I chose him because if I must marry as everyone demands, at least I can marry someone who will be of benefit to others I care about. And Ralph is pleasant enough; he seems to care for me. Really, I can expect nothing more." Charlotte disclosed to her friend.
"I know very well that there will never be another like Sidney for me. It is a constant heartache, but it is one that I must learn to live with. And that is what I am trying to do by marrying Ralph. I just want to get the whole marriage thing done and over with, frankly. Without Sidney the idea of courtship and romance is not exciting, it's not joyful, it's just painful. I know that I will live with the pain of losing Sidney all my days; but at least I can stop poking the wound with a stick."
Georgiana nodded sadly, but could not help but answer, "But Charlotte, it sounds a little like being buried alive."
"It is what it is, Georgiana." And with that, Georgiana could see that the subject was now closed. She reached out to pat Charlotte's hand sympathetically.
Charlotte sighed and looked out of the large picture window next to them with a view of the sea. The wind was picking up, causing choppy waves to appear, churning and swirling the sea in hues of darkest blue, and aqua, and white. She loved to watch the sea when it looked like this; it so often mirrored her circumstances and state of mind. Yet, she knew that under the darkest, deepest hues of the ocean, all was still, and calm, and resigned to its fate. And this silence is what called to her soul and brought her comfort; it recalled to her the feeling that although the resolution of her heartache would never come, it was nevertheless a settled matter. Like that ancient city of Atlantis, it lay on the ocean floor, peaceful and silent. While the waves churned above her, the deep well of her heart was untroubled. She had loved Sidney deeply and grandly, and been loved in return in a way that she knew she would never feel again. He had been her everything and she knew she had been his; and although that love had been lost in every way, she knew she could live with that simply because she must. Any of the other events of her life from that point on would only churn superficially. They did not and would not touch her heart.
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The ball was a beautiful thing to behold and Charlotte did feel a surge of happiness as she and Ralph walked into the assembly rooms. What a lovely thing for Georgiana, Charlotte was truly glad for her. Georgiana seemed to be coming into her own and it was wonderful to see the inhabitants of Sanditon and regions beyond gathering to pay her tribute and wish her well. The rooms shimmered in candlelight, glinting off the many glasses of champagne being passed by liveried footmen. Charlotte smiled as she took her glass from Ralph; he seemed to be dazzled by all the lights and flowers and expensive glassware, looking around like he had never seen such a wonderland.
Charlotte did wish Ralph would close his mouth, though; surely he had seen sights as grand as this one at some point in his life? She sighed and tried very hard not to think of Sidney's elegant ways, his dignified stance, and easy, graceful way of moving among the crowd. She stood with Ralph watching the dancing, but in truth she was in another ballroom, far away in London, in a different time that felt like ages ago now. She was reliving a golden dance and the awakening of her heart to a tall, dark-haired man, with eyes that would not leave hers. She remembered his words to her, but I don't want to dance with them, and his enigmatic, soul-stirring wisp of a smile that followed. It was a cherished memory that always left her breathing unevenly, remembering the feel of his body pressed so close to her, spinning her around to music that seemed theirs alone.
Caught up as she was in her memories, she did not see Mr. Colbourne enter the ballroom with his daughter and niece. Neither did she notice as he craned his neck around, ignoring everyone else around him until he spotted her. Charlotte did feel the hair on the back of her neck stand up, but put it down to the shivers of joy she always felt when she could slip away into the past like this. She was jolted out of her reverie when Ralph grabbed her elbow and leaned to whisper rather loudly and urgently, "Charlotte, who is that man? He has been staring at you in a manner I do not like at all."
Charlotte turned then to see Mr. Colbourne watching her intently from across the room, where he stood almost completely obscured by a large, potted shrubbery. She recoiled immediately, turning back to Ralph to say, "Will you take me into the garden please, to get some air? It's stifling in here."
"Of course, my dear," Ralph replied, throwing an angry glance over his shoulder in Colbourne's direction as he guided her toward the door. Undeterred, Colbourne watched her every step until she disappeared into the garden.
Later, when Charlotte and Ralph were ushered into dinner Ralph grumbled about the 'fancy' practice of separating couples in the seating arrangement for dinner. Charlotte patted his arm, trying mightily to elicit some sympathy for him in her heart, but failed miserably. Man up, Ralph. We will all survive, she thought as Ralph searched for her name card and escorted her to her place, pulling out her chair and getting her settled before he trudged off begrudgingly to find his own place. He pouted even further when he found himself halfway down the table on the opposite side. Charlotte smiled at him, hoping to lift the storm clouds he had settled around himself. He did not smile back.
Charlotte sighed, I hope he will learn to adapt better to circumstances once we are married, she thought, generously putting his behavior down to a bit of misplaced possessiveness and a crisis of confidence. However, she was about to have her own unsettling experience when she understood who was to be her dining companion for the evening. It was none other than Mr. Colbourne. Oh surely not, Charlotte pleaded internally, trying to catch Georgiana's eye. Georgiana's eyes got big as she recognized Charlotte's distress, but as she was unable to do anything about it now, she simply mouthed 'I'm sorry' and shrugged her shoulders.
Charlotte resigned herself to an uncomfortable evening that was not helped by Ralph glaring at them throughout the meal. She managed to avoid eye contact with Mr. Colbourne except for once when the toast to Georgiana's 21st year was made by Arthur Parker. He is such a lovely man, Charlotte was thinking, I wish that we had ended up as brother and sister, so that she still had a slight smile on her face when she turned to clink glasses with her tablemates. That smile died quickly as soon as she saw the look on Colbourne's face. He seemed almost to leer at her, dragging his eyes away from her bosom to look her in the eye with a smirk. Good lord, has he been hanging out with Edward Denham? Charlotte wondered. She had known her share of uncomfortable glances from cads many times before. But Colbourne was just so unsettling.
She was glad to see Ralph when he came to claim her after dinner with her cloak in hand. She was more than ready to leave.