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Chapter Text

Regulus just wants the screaming to stop. He wants to disappear. Forever. He hears Sirius scream in pain again and curled in on himself.  When would it stop? Would it stop? Regulus hears something shatter against the wall and then the house is deadly silent. Regulus stops breathing. Then footsteps. Pounding up the stairs. Regulus’ hand shoots out and clutches at his wand even though he knows that it will do little to help him against his enraged mother. Sirius’ door slams shut and Regulus stays very, perfectly still. Feet planted like stone in front of his desk, wand in hand, breathing as quietly as possible. Then soft but firm footsteps. His fathers. Regulus sits down at his desk and flips open his Potions textbook and places his wand next to the book. A soft knock on his door, even though he and his father know that it really is just for formalities and not for true privacy reasons. 

Still Regulus spins around and says softly “Come in.” 

The door clicks open and Orion Black stands in the doorway, Regulus takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the fear and panic running rampant through his veins. 

Sirius doesn’t even know what he’s doing. All he knows is that he’s packing. Packing to leave . And not just for a few days and then eventually gritting his teeth and apologizing when he returns, no this- this is permanent. Sirius is done being a “ perfect heir.” He wants to be able to wear what he pleases and not have to worry about being “ perfect” when the company comes over. He hates being forced to ignore Andromeda’s letters and he really really hates having to have tea with those “ perfectly pure ” girls that his mother is wanting to set him up with. Especially because Sirius is quite madly in love with Remus Lupin even though he is never going to admit it because it would absolutely destroy their relationship. So he’s leaving. Leaving for good and by Merlin is he glad to be leaving. His wand flys through the air and his clothes, books and school knick knacks all land gracefully in his trunk. He tears his photographs of Regulus, the Marauders, and Andromeda down from the walls and the secret hiding places around his room and snatches the Gryfindor flag from the back of the door and shoves them into the trunk. His heart is pounding in his chest and he whips around when someone knocks on his door. His wand slashes through the air and the door slams open, a curse is on the tip of his tongue and then- 

“Oh. Reg. I-I’m so sorry.” His wand falls to his side limply. Regulus doesn’t move from the doorway.  Sirius looks at his brother's face and takes a tentative step forward. 

“Reggie? Are you alright?” 

Regulus opens his mouth and then their mother screeches from downstairs. Sirius grabs his brother and shoves him behind him and Regulus whirls around and Sirius raises his wand up to protect them both. Orion Black’s voice booms as he yells at their mother and she screams back. The study door shuts and the house is silent again. Sirius turns around to face his brother, who is looking at the floor. 

“I- Sirius.” Regulus clears his throat and looks up and around the room. “I-;” His eyes fall on Sirius’ open trunk. “You’re leaving.” The words come out as a statement, not a question. “You were going to leave and just what? Go live on the street?! You were just gonna leave me here? Like this? You-?” Regulus takes a step backwards and trips over a stray book and falls onto Sirius’ bed. He bounces once and stands again, looking at Sirius with a defiant look in his eyes.  

Sirius steps forward and slides his wand into his pocket. “Reggie, I- I was just- I was going to go to the Potters and then-” 

“What? You were going to go to the Potters and then what? Pretend that everything is fine and ok and you were just gonna be happy with that family? Pretending that James Potter is- what a fucking better brother than I am?” Regulus is a tiny bit shocked at how much that thought hurts him. Sirius and James. Together. Both pretending that he doesn’t exist. Even when they are at Hogwarts Sirius checks in on him every once in a while and he knows that if anything were to happen to him he would be alright because Sirius would be there. He knows that he can take care of himself but that doesn’t mean that he ignores the fact that Sirius is there for him. He doesn’t know if that would be the same if they were no longer living together. He looks up and sees Sirius frowning. For some reason his throat feels oddly thick and then he realizes that Sirius is frowning at him because he’s crying. Oh- oh he’s really crying. That explains why his vision is going spotty. 

“Regulus breath. Regulus. Stop crying. Stop crying Reggie, it's only making it worse.” Regulus flinches as Sirius’ hand pulls him to chest and Regulus tries his hardest to match his brother's breathing. After a moment, Sirius tips his head up. “Regulus, listen to me. You do not have to stay here. You can leave with me. Right now. I will always keep you safe Reggie. Always. All you have to do is nod your head. Just nod and I’ll take care of everything else.” 

Regulus can’t do anything but start crying again. Sirius wraps his arms around him and Regulus turns his head into his neck. “Just nod Reggie. All you’ve got to do is nod or shake your head and I’ll take care of everything else.” 

Regulus can’t think. He can hardly breathe so he shakes his head but as Sirius loosens his hold on him something awful and jagged splits in his chest so he just nods over and over again as he clings to his brother, pulling him close. They stand there for a moment, Regulus getting his breathing under control. Sirius pulls away after a long moment and looks at Regulus and says “Ok. I’ll come get you when it’s time to leave. I promise Reg. I promise.” 

In the end, leaving is quite easy. Regulus is shaken awake by his brother as dawn is breaking.  He’s pulled out of bed and shoved into his Quidditch jumper. Sirius is waving his wand through the air, casting spells and Regulus starts looking for some trousers to wear. Soon everything that he needs is packed into his Hogwarts trunk. Sirius goes to close it but Regulus stops him. He swipes a picture frame from the underside of the bedside table and opens a floorboard that is filled to the brim with letters. 

“Who’s in the picture?” Sirius asks softly, there is a curious light in his eyes but he knows not to push too hard when it comes to Regulus’ friends. 

“A friend.” Regulus replies curtly. “The letters are from them too. Can’t have Mother knowing that- well you know.” Sirius nods and shrinks Regulus' trunk. He tucks it into his pocket and Regulus slips his shoes on.

“Ready?” He shakes his head but starts to follow Sirius anyway. His heart is pounding in his chest and Regulus wonders if his parents will ever forgive him. He knows they won’t. 

Sirius opens his door as quietly as possible and sticks his head out into the hallway. He ushers Regulus into the hall and then slowly starts making his way down the steps and Regulus holds his breath as he follows Sirius down the stairs. They reach the landing and Regulus exhales and then a portrait starts screaming. Sirius grabs his hand and pulls him down the hall as more and more screams fill the air.. He can hear Mother and Father pounding down the stairs and then he and Sirius are bursting out the front door of Grimmauld Place and running down the sidewalk. Sirius laughs and spreads his arms as he runs down the block, Regulus can’t help the laugh that escapes him. They round the corner and Sirius shoves his wand out into the road. Regulus only has a second to catch his breath before the Knight Bus arrives with a BANG! 

“Where to gents?” The driver asks.

Sirius rattles off an address as he pulls Regulus on board. The bus shoots off into the road and Regulus Black can’t just believe what he’s done. He’s broken away from home. He’s left, he no longer has to abide by the rules. He’s free. And he has no idea on what to do. 

“It’s alright Reg, I’ve got you now and we’re never gonna go back there.” Sirius mumbles into his hair as he pulls him into his arms. Now the high of the moment is wearing off and Regulus closes his eyes and prays that he hasn’t just made a terrible mistake. His brain is running a meter a second and he feels like he's about to throw up the very small dinner that he did manage to eat despite the anxiety and guilt that had consumed his thoughts. 

The Knight Bus stops just as abruptly as it started and Sirius hauls him by his arm off the death machine. The second they’re off, it's gone with another BANG!  Regulus stands in the middle of the street for a moment as the adrenaline starts to wear off and what he's done finally sets in. His breathing quickens as he starts to hear his mother's angry footsteps, his fathers disappointed sigh, Sirius’ screams, and his own labored breathing. Bile rises in his throat as his vision starts to go in and out and the world around him starts to go fuzzy. He can’t hear anything, and he grabs at his chest, trying to stop it from splitting open. His legs feel numb and his knees buckle. He lurches over, disoriented from the adrenaline and the ride on the Knight Bus.

“Regulus, REGULUS.” He snaps his head up to meet Sirius’ gaze. His brother pulls his fingers out his hair and he looks worried. “It’s alright Reg, I’ve got you,” He pulls Regulus up from the ground and then says, “Come on, we can’t stand out in the street all morning.” Regulus can hardly focus on his own feet so he stumbles a bit as he follows Sirius up the driveway towards the house.  He stands behind Sirius and focuses on counting his breaths while Sirius knocks on the door. He just gets his breathing under control when the front door swings open and then standing there in just pajama bottoms and no shirt is James Potter. His hair is a mess of black fringe that nearly covers his glasses and one of his cheeks is squashed in like a basset hound. James blinks once and then stares at Regulus as if he's dreaming before Regulus pointedly looks at the ground and internally vows to let Sirius do the talking. 

“Sirius. What’s? Oh. I- MUM! Come in, come in, it's freezing out here!” James waves them inside and leads them into the living room. Regulus does his best to stay behind Sirius and be as quiet as possible. He knows that James most likely isn’t glad to see him but that he probably is overjoyed to see Sirius. He knows what James thinks of him and his parents. He knows because he thought the same thing about James and his family for a while. 

Mrs. Potter comes running down the stairs dressed in a dressing gown and a pair of reading glasses. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun and she smiles warmly when she spots them in the living room. Sirius leads him to a moderately sized couch and shoves a throw pillow covered in gold and red fringe into his lap and even though Regulus is trying his very best to stay as silent as possible, he mutters a thank you and continues to stare at the carpet. It's a shag carpet that looks soft in that way that makes him want to take his socks off and slip his toes through and absentmindedly his fingers begin to braid and unbraid the fringe. 

“Hello Sirius. I see you’ve brought someone with you. Hello dearie, I’m Euphemia Potter. You can call me Effie. Am I correct in assuming that you’re the famous Regulus Black?” 

Famous? Hardly but instead of saying anything Regulus merely looks up at her and gives a small nod. She sits across from them in a large red armchair that looks like the perfect place to take a nap or read a book. Regulus doubts he’ll be around long enough to do that though. He knows that eventually his mother or father will be back to get him or the Potters will ask him to leave. The probability of the Potters wanting to deal with him are extremely low and not to mention Mother and Father will never allow both their sons to run away. Sirius, they will not worry about as he is the disgraced heir, Regulus however has always been the more obedient one, the good heir, the proper son. They’ll figure out a way to take him back. Somehow. Regulus breathes in and it feels like his chest is about to explode, his fingers tighten where they grip his wand and his trousers. Sirius leads his fingers back to the fringe on the pillow. Regulus exhales. 

“Reggie?” Sirius laces their fingers together and Regulus shakes his head, even though he doesn’t know why he’s doing it. He pulls his hand out of Sirius’. He just keeps shaking his head and he lets his hair fall and cover his face. He hears James whisper something to his mother and she reprimands him. He can hear Sirius’ footsteps as he walks somewhere else but Regulus keeps his eyes firmly on where his hands tangle into the fringe of the pillow.

“Reg, you should eat something. Or at least drink some tea. Please Reg? You need to replenish your strength.” Sirius whispers to him, softly squeezing his hand. 

Regulus squeezes his hand back once. He lets Sirius go and then he tilts his head to look around at the room and his eyes land on James who is looking straight back at him. Regulus inhales sharply and Sirius looks at him from in the kitchen where he’s helping Mrs. Potter make tea and small plates of food for the group. Regulus looks at his brother and shakes his head. He’s alright and Sirius turns back to making tea. Regulus looks back at James. His eyes aren’t cold or judgemental rather he seems concerned. Regulus’ palms start to sweat and James opens his mouth and then-

“Alright tea and some sour cherry scones.” Mrs. Potter says, setting the tray down. Sirius hands Regulus a cup of tea and he takes a soft sip. Regulus aches to relax into the couch but his body won’t listen. His mind keeps screaming at him that any moment his mother is going to burst through the door and demand that he return to Grimmauld Place and he’ll be hopeless to obey. His breathing quickens again and the teacup trembles in his hands and Sirius gently takes it from him. 

“Regulus? Are you alright? You may go to bed if you wish.” Mrs. Potter's voice shocks him out of his head and his hands flail in the air for a moment, fingers twitching as something cold settles across his chest before Sirius grabs them in his own hands.  

“Reg, it's me. It’s Sirius. Can you hear me?” Regulus manages a shaky nod. “Good, that's good. Do you want tighter or looser?” 

Regulus’ mind burns. “Tighter.” He chokes out. Sirius’ arms pull him into a nearly suffocating hug. The world comes back into focus and Regulus exhales. “Good?” He nods. He blinks the last of the blurry world away and notices that James is gone. “Regulus, do you want to tell me five things that you can see?” 

“The chair, the tea tray, y-you, Mrs. Potter, and the pillows.” 

“Good. Good job. Now how about four things you can touch?” 

Sirius’ voice is like a blanket that washes over him and helps bring Regulus back from the edge with each word. He follows the instruction with a slightly less shaky voice. 

“The couch, tea cup, you and my wand.” 

Sirius squeezes even tighter. Regulus coughs but tugs his brother even closer. He feels like a child who just had a nightmare. Tears prick at his eyes in shame. “Good job. Three things you can hear?” 

“Your voice, my breathing, and um…,” Regulus has to strain to decipher the sound that he can hear out back. “And the wind chimes outside.” 

Sirius smiles into his hair and Regulus’ fingers loosen where they clutch the leather of Sirius’ jacket. Sirius doesn’t let go though. Regulus doesn’t think he wants him too. “Two things you can smell?” 

“Smoke and bergamot.” Those are the easiest, cigarette smoke sticks to Sirius and the tea is potent enough that it lingers in his nose even though he’s not holding the cup anymore. 

Sirius chuckles. “Okay, last one. One thing you can taste.”

Regulus swallows and whispers as softly as he can. “Blood.” 

Sirius’ steady breathing stops for a moment and then he looks down at him. “Reg?” 

Regulus shakes his head and Sirius lets him go slowly, giving Regulus enough time to stop him but Regulus doesn’t pull him back even though he desperately wants to. He reaches for his cup of tea again and washes the taste of blood out of his mouth with small sips of tea. Sirius begins to quietly converse with James as Mrs. Potter cuts a scone in half and spreads butter on it as the steam curls through the air. She smiles and offers it to him. 

“Are you alright?” Mrs Potter asks, after Regulus takes the scone. He takes a small bite, chews slowly and swallows deliberately. He doesn’t know how to answer so he doesn’t.

“Sirius?” He sets the scone down. His brother turns to him. There is a silent moment and then Sirius stands up, Regulus looks at him like he was about to announce to the whole room what they had told each other in that single moment. 

“So it’s like a real thing? That brother telepathy that you’re always bragging about? That’s what just happened, isn’t it?” James breaks the silence and Sirius’ laughs. 

“Exactly mate. Exactly. Now if you’ll excuse us. Thank you Mrs. Potter and we shall see you in the morning.” 

“Of course. The spare room is ready if you would like your own room away from this one.” She reached over and ruffled James’ hair. He makes a sort of outraged noise and his hands fly to his hair as he tries to pat it down. 

Regulus simply followed his brother up the stairs. Sirius leads him to what Regulus assumes is the guest room and closes the door softly. 

“How are you? Really Reg, what can I do?” His brother is searching for something in his eyes that Regulus knows he won’t find. 

Regulus sinks onto the ridiculously plush bed. “I- Shit Sirius what have we done?” 

Chapter Text

Regulus didn’t sleep. Instead he sat against a headboard that wasn’t his and stared at the wall, playing on repeat in his mind was the way that Sirius had smiled as they ran away from Grimmauld. How Regulus had smiled back, how he had so easily defied his parents. Now he’s frozen with fear as he pretends to sleep. Mrs. Potter knocked and asked if he was asleep around 2 am. He hadn’t responded. Now he can see the first spots of rising sun pushing through the curtains and creating shadows on the wall. Regulus feels like death warmed up. The walls are thin enough that he can hear his brother waking up and getting dressed. He slips off his bed and walks towards the door. His legs shake and his knees knock together as his legs register moving for the first time in 8 hours. 

“I’ll save you both some eggs!” James’ voice echoes down the hallway as he runs down the stairs. He hears his brother agree and then James’ footsteps disappear. His brother knocks on the door. Regulus takes a deep breath and answers. 

“Did you get any sleep Reggie?” Sirius asks. 

He shakes his head. 

“Are you feeling alright? I know that last night was a big decision for you, probably even bigger than it was for me. And-” 

Regulus stares at his brother. The words are all jumbled in his brain and Regulus wishes that just for a minute they would untangle themselves and just behave . However,  just like everything else in his life, they just won’t listen to him and instead of a reassurance to his brother to get him off his back what comes out is something that Regulus had been hiding for years. 

“Sirius, I- I’m gay. That’s why I hid the letters. That’s what the bullying at school has been about. Please- please forgive me. I didn’t-” The words feel like filthy rags as they throw themselves into the space between them. Regulus hopes that it doesn’t change the way his brother looks at him. He knows that it probably will. He’ll never be able to go home now. Now that he’s told Sirius, he won’t be able to hide it from his Mother or Father. His chest burns and his nails dig into his balm. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe.

His brother, of course, responds with the most Sirius thing to do. He hugs him. “I love you Regulus. I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or whatever the bloody hell Uncle Alphard was up to. As long as you are happy.”

Regulus grips at his brother's sleep shirt and cries for the second time in 24 hours. It's more than either of them are used too. 

“Are you seeing someone at school- or is that-?”

“No. I was just telling my friends not to do anything, and I obviously didn’t want to tell Mother and Father, so I hid them.” 

Sirius nods in understanding. “I won’t tell anyone, swear on my own life. I love you Regulus.”

Regulus can’t find it in himself to bring his regular walls up as they descend the stairs to the Potter’s dining room. Sirius in front, Regulus behind him, fingers latched in his brother’s ratty old band tee-shirt. He hopes that there won't be so many disruptions today. Reg surveys the dining room and the table with wide eyes. The dining room is covered in food. Food Regulus can eat no matter how he feels. 

His mind wanders back to Mrs. Potter’s greeting words.  “ Famous Regulus Black?”

“I hope there’s an appetite in both your stomachs.” Mrs. Potter says. 

She walks into the dining room as a full tea set floats in behind her. The saucers, cups, and spoons all set themselves down onto the table with a soft clink. 

“Oh here dears. Sirius, your spot is next to Monty and Regulus, of course, is next to him if you’d like or you can sit anywhere you want too.”

Fleamount Potter is a handsome man who exudes warmth. His crow’s feet are soft and Regulus can’t look away and Sirius sits in what was supposed to be Regulus’ spot. 

Monty, as he was dubbed, smiles as Regulus cautiously sits next to him. “Sirius tells us that you are a prodigy in potions. I run a shop, you see.” 

Regulus whips his head to his brother who just smirks and winks. 

“You should see him on a broom, Dad. He’s the Slytherin seeker. It’s incredible.” James interjects to his parents. 

“I’m not that-” 

“Don’t lie Reg. It’s unbecoming. You’ve kicked my men into the dirt too many times. It’s honestly quite impressive. “ 

It's the first time James has ever really spoken to him and Regulus doesn’t know what to say in response. He simply stares, eyes darting between his brother and James.

After a moment or two, Sirius laughs. “I think you’ve broken him, James.” 

The two boys laugh and Regulus, again, doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know whether he likes that or not. 

“Enough talk boys. Eat up before all the food gets cold. Tea, Regulus?” Mrs. Potter says, ending the conversation. 

He smiles and takes the bag offered to him. 

“It’s just a simple green,” She says “If there are others you like more, write it on the pad near the fridge and I’ll get it the next time I go out.” 

Sirius nods. Regulus shakily brings the tea cup to his lips and swallows the tea. He hopes that Mrs. Potter won’t change her mind. A small voice in the back of his head says relax, you’re safe. However, he knows that he can’t trust that voice no matter how much he wants to. 

He sets the cup down. “Yes, I do enjoy potions the most at Hogwarts. Professor Slughorn is quite the man to learn from and if it wasn’t for..well…everything, I’d like to think I would enjoy working in the Apothecary.”

Monty smiles and Regulus feels his brother’s eyes on him. He tries to smile back. 

“Perhaps during the Christmas break you can help me on the days I work from home, hm? Maybe help with some of the deliveries?”

A lump grows in his throat and his chest gets tight. He doesn’t answer. But the voice in the back of his head gets just a smidge bigger and louder and Regulus can suddenly breathe deeper. 

“Regulus, dear, are you hungry? It’s alright if you aren’t but I just want to make sure you’re well fed.” 

Regulus suddenly feels half-ravenous and half like he’ll hurl if he so much looks at a plate of food. He looks to his older brother, eyes wide and stomach fighting against itself. He’s trying to hide his panic. 

Don’t be weak. It’s just a plate of food. 

“Try a bit of eggs on toast, dear. It’ll be a good starter if your stomach has turned.” Both boys eyes snap up to look at Mrs. Potter

James chuckles and Regulus finds himself glaring at the boy. “Mum’s a healer Siri, you know that. She knows these things.”

The nickname catches Regulus off guard and he stops glaring at James to redirect it to his older brother. Sirius grins and Regulus just presses himself back into the chair harder. It’s got a soft cover on the back and instead of the wood he expects, there is the soft give of foam and he can’t hide the alarm that courses through him as he falls forward slightly then presses himself back before falling forward again. He repeats the motion several times. 

When he looks up to see if anyone else has discovered the magic of the chair, Monty is setting a plate of eggs on toast in front of him. 

“We bought these from a Muggle ‘garage sale’. Best chairs in the house.” Monty says, his eyebrows raised as he uses air quotes. “So boys, anything in particular that you’d like-”

The front door rattles from the force of a knock. Sirius throws an arm over Regulus’ chest as all 3 Potters frown at the door. The doorway echos again and now Regulus can feel panic swelling in his chest as voices in his head get louder. Sirius’ hand is pressed into his chest, his rings digging into Regulus’ sternum, as Mrs. Potter stands and heads towards the front door. 

“Postman?” James asks his father.

Fleamont doesn’t look away from his wife’s retreating back and shakes his head. James' hand drifts to his left pocket. Regulus chokes as he hears his mothers voice boom down the hall. Sirius snarls and Regulus shuts his eyes and shoves his back into the chair. 

“BOYS. Come here now.” 

“Walburga, you are not going anywhere with those boys. Now unless you want to have a spot of trouble here and now, I suggest that you leave.” 

“I am their Mother. They are coming with me.” 

“I think the fuck not.” James says under his breath. His wand is in his hand now and Regulus feels like he’s going to throw up. 

“Walaburga, again unless you want to have a spot of trouble here and now,” Euphemia voice is harder now, “I suggest you leave now ” 

“I will remember this Euphemia.” There is a harsh crack as Walburga apparates away. 

Regulus’ vision blurs as Euphemia comes back to the table. Sirius’ hand drops from his chest and Regulus strangely wishes that the pain from his brother’s rings was still present against his skin. 

“Bitch.” Sirius says. He shakes his hair out and takes a sip of his tea. 

Regulus’ vision blurs and the voice in the back of his head is gone. He doesn’t understand why his Mother left and yet he does. The lump in his throat burns. His stomach gurgles as Euphemia sits back down.  He doesn’t look at her. Just presses himself against the chair and reaches for toast. The silence is broken by James spilling his orange juice. 

“Ah shit!” James yells. 

“Language!”

“James!”

His parents shouted at the same time. Laughter erupts from everyone. Regulus feels sick. The toast sits like a rock in his stomach. Sirius squeezes his hand and Regulus wants to cry. He wants to laugh. He wants to scream. Confusion was a wall around his mind. The back of his throat burns from the taste of his eggs. His head feels like it is filled with cotton and his chest aches.

His fingers clench around his fork and he takes a breath. Slowly the knot in his chest unwinds and he’s able to breathe a little bit easier. He pushes the eggs around on his plate and his brother steals some before handing him another piece of toast with jam. 

“Thought it would be better for you. Tastes better than eggs.” Sirius whispers. 

Regulus nodded his head in thanks. 

“Do you boys want or need anything? I’m heading out to the shops later tonight.”

Regulus shakes his head. He doesn’t want to be any more of a burden than he already is. Sirius’ eyes burn hot against the side of his head. 

“Actually, Mrs. Potter, I’m afraid I had to leave the majority of my paints behind. And I’d be so grateful if I could ask you to get me some new ones?” 

Mrs. Potter smiles. “Of course, Sirius. What about you Regulus? Sirius says you are a gifted pianist. Would you like some new books? I’m afraid there isn’t much in the house.”

Regulus shakes his head. Mrs. Potter purses her lips. 

“Isn’t your last book almost completely blacked out and re-written?” Sirius says, pulling his fork between his teeth.

“Yes but-”

“Just get him a new copy of that Bach stuff. Reggie loves Bach.”

Regulus hates that nickname, it makes him sound far more Muggle than he really is but he can’t bring himself to snap at his brother. Mrs. Potter smiles. James drops his fork under the table. Sirius laughs. Monty sighs into his cup of coffee. Regulus doesn’t know what the feeling is that’s blooming in his stomach.

Chapter Text

James is exhausted. The whole week he has been having trouble sleeping but finally his body seems to have allowed him to close his eyes and slip into sweet dreams. As he sleeps, he dreams about being back at Hogwarts with the rest of the Marauders, running through the halls, hiding under the cloak and as he’s back with Sirius planning a wonderful prank for the end of the Welcoming Feast, there were several loud thuds. It’s startling and James hopes that it was just a part of his dream but then his magic stirs in his bones and he opens his eyes. James grabs his wand and shoves his glasses onto his face before padding downstairs to the door. As his hearing catches up to his brain he can almost recognize the pattern of the knocks. 

He throws open the door and there stands Regulus Black. James’ sleep-addled brain whispers that he looks like a dark angel as James takes his image in. His eyes are wide and his cheeks are tinged pink. His dark curls look rougher than usual and James’ stomach flips. He doesn’t know why. He stares at Regulus for a long moment, not sure what to say. The boy seems to realize this and backs up behind his brother as fast as he can. James finally takes in Sirius’ expression and suddenly all the pieces click into place. 

“MUM!” He shouts. 

To be honest, James was not expecting this tonight. Well to say he’d been expecting it at all was- no that wouldn’t be the truth. He knew that eventually Sirius would leave. He’d been talking about it for almost a whole year but he didn’t expect it so soon. And certainly not with his little brother in tow. From the way that Sirius talked about Regulus when they were at Hogwarts, James had assumed that they didn’t get on the best even though he knew that Sirius cared about his brother. He was never good at hiding his late night trips to go visit his brother in the Astronomy Tower, especially since he never took the map and that meant that Moony, Wormtail and Prongs could stalk him all night if they wanted. They never did though. Remus had chewed James out after the first night he found him hunched over the map, obsessively watching Sirius’ name traverse the castle. 

He looks up to see Regulus softly stepping into his house as his mother bustles down the stairs. James hopes that he doesn’t feel like he’s intruding. James wants both of them to stay. He doesn’t know how to say that though. 

Sirius warned him that his brother wasn’t a talker but as James sits across from Regulus in the late night, he doesn’t mind, all he wants to do is memorize his features. The dark coils that brush his forehead and hang in his eyes. The eyes that are usually lit with malice and arrogance are now blown with panic and slight desperation. They track Sirius’ movement like a laser pointer. When he finally looks at James, he makes a sound like he’s been punched and James feels awful. He looks away as fast as he can without being impolite. His mother brings back scones and tea and James sits and watches as Sirius guides his brother back from his attack. Guilt and shame curls in his stomach. Did he cause that? Is it his fault? Is Sirius mad at him? Is Regulus mad at him? The questions flow through his head and he decides to stare only at his scone. Then Sirius stands and James tries to make it better with a joke. Sirius smiles at him and the guilt and shame lighten in his chest. He watches as the two brothers climb up the stairs. He hears his mother enter the kitchen and he clears the table and follows his mother to the sink. 

“James, did Sirius say-” 

“No Mum. He didn’t say anything about leaving. And whenever he talked about it he always said that Regulus would stay. He was so mad and upset with himself that he couldn’t get Regulus to come with him. He was so sad whenever he thought about it Mum. If he’d said something more definite you know I would have told you.” James says as he washes the tea cups. He feels odd, almost off balance, like he doesn't know how to help his best friend. His brother for all intensive purposes.

His mother pulls him into a hug. “Hush now, it’s alright. We’ll get through this and neither of those boys will be going anywhere they don’t want to go. You know I won’t let anything happen to my boys.” She kisses his crown before waving her wand and drying the tea set. It floats back to its place on the top shelf and James takes a deep breath. 

His mothers easy acceptance makes James relax and he knows that his father will be the same. He was blessed with his parents and James hopes he does a good job showing how much he loves them. He knows that without them, he wouldn’t be half the man he is now. His mother ruffles his hair and pads up the stairs into her bedroom and James stops by the guest room, waits for a moment and then disappears into his own room. 

“Jamie.” Sirius’ voice is soft and James knows what he’s asking. He slides over and opens the covers and allows Sirius to crawl into bed with him. He doesn’t say anything as Sirius wraps himself around him like a koala. He shakes with his sobs and James covers Sirius as much as he can. 

“Shhhh, you’re safe here, you're alright. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. It’s alright Padfoot, deep breathes. Let it out, it’s ok. I’ve got you.”  He whispers, sweet nothings into Sirius’s ear and rocks him back and forth gently. It’s a practiced system that they’ve been using since Sirius first came to his house, when the nightmares would plague him and he would wake up crying and kicking. They’d never looked back.  And then, in that moment, everything changes. 

James wakes up with Sirius sprawled across his chest, fists clenched in his sleep shirt. His eyebrows are furrowed and James can’t stop his finger from smoothing the crease between them. Sirius blinks his eyes open and smiles. 

“Morning Prongs.” 

“Morning Padfoot.” 

The two boys get up and dress and Sirius heads to check on his brother while James heads downstairs to help with breakfast. Neither of them speak of the night before. James desperately wants to ask what happened but he refrains. Sirius will tell him. He always does and James hopes he always will. He’ll wait and he’ll do what he always does. Support Sirius. Now that means supporting Regulus. James vows to try his hardest to welcome the younger boy. He refuses to let Regulus think he isn’t welcome.

“Sirius.” It’s after breakfast, Regulus had practically fled to his room and Sirius had followed him as quickly as he had been able to. He’d only just come out before he demanded that James allow him to draw a portrait.

“Not now James. And stop moving, I’m trying to draw you here. Put your arm back. No- not there, where it was- yes. Hold that.” 

James takes a deep breath. “Sirius.” He says it this time with a bit more force. Sirius doesn’t answer him, the pencil scratches against the drawing paper. James breathes again, the air is thick and heavy with tension. “Last night-” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence. Sirius stands up. 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking and-” He won’t look James in the eyes and his voice is hollow. James hates it. He stands and walks forward. 

“No.” He says with finality, “Don’t apologize. I’m always here for you. No matter what that means. Whatever you need. If I can give it, it’s yours.” 

Sirius’ eyes shoot up to meet James’, his dark pupils blown wide. “What?” He breathes out. 

“Let it out, it’s ok. I’ve got you.” James whispered. He hopes that Sirius will feel better after this. After a moment, Sirius calms down and James runs his fingers through his friend's hair. 

“Jamie.” Sirius’ voice is wet and James tilts his head up to look him over. 

“Feel better?” He asks, smiling softly. Sirius shakes his head. “Anything I can do?” Sirius nods. He seems unsure of himself and he shifts back an inch. James loosens his hold but that seems to make Sirius panic so he tightens his hold again. 

“Are you mad at me?”Sirius asks, voice small and soft. 

James’ heart clenches. “Never Padfoot. I’m never mad at you, but we need to talk about what just happened and what we want to do going forward.” 

Sirius nods but he doesn’t move from his spot on the wall. “I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” The tears well up in his eyes again but in fear this time. 

James hates it. He never wants to make Sirius cry. It makes his stomach roll and his anxiety scream. All he wants is to make the crying stop. He hates it when Sirius cries. “To be honest, I don’t know what to do either but I know that I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me forever.” He smiles. 

“What if I said I wanted to do it again?” Sirius's voice is a bit far away and James thinks for a moment before answering. 

“Then we’re gonna have to have a different conversation.” James feels calm and steady and he takes comfort in knowing that no matter what comes of this conversation, his feelings towards Sirius aren’t going to change. He’s always going to be there for him, platonically or romantically. 

“Don’t you want to know why I kissed you?” Sirius's voice is soft and he’s slowly shifting in place. 

“Padfoot. I’ve kissed a bunch of people loads of times. Sure, most of it was when we were drunk and being stupid but I don’t really care. I know you. I know how you cope. And I rather you kiss me than go off and get into some fight with a Muggle or worse hurt yourself. I love you Sirius, nothing will ever change that. Nothing. I can be the one kissing your tears away or I can be your brother. Either way I love you.” James shrugs and Sirius smiles. 

“I love you too Prongs. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done any of it but right now I just need to know that I have you. I need to focus on Regulus and making sure he’s ok.” 

James nods. “Alright, Padfoot. First things first, we both wanted it and I don’t regret it at all. But I also know that no matter what happens, nothing is going to change the fact that I love you. Whether that love translates to something platonic or romantic, I love you. Secondly, do we want to tell anyone or not? Thirdly, I’m starving so let's get food.” 

Sirius laughs. “Prongs. I love you. No I don’t really feel the need to tell anyone, this was for us and can stay us. And yes, I’m sure that Regulus could use something to eat.” He leads him out of the bedroom and down the hall.

“Reggie?” Sirius said, knocking softly on the guest door. 

There was no answer. Sirius knocked again. “Regulus. Open the door so that I know that you’re alive.”

Regulus opened the door. He looked angry. “What?” His voice was sharp and his eyes were cold. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “We’re all having lunch and since you barely ate breakfast, I know you’re hungry so I’ve come to collect you.” 

“Fuck off. I’m not hungry.” Regulus goes to slam the door but Sirius catches it. Regulus snarls and Sirius shoves his way into the bedroom. He closes the door softly behind him. His brother flops onto his bed and turns his back to him. 

“Reggie? What’s wrong? Please talk to me.” Sirius sits at the edge of the bed. He reaches his hand out tentatively and lets it fall gently next to Regulus’ thigh. 

“I’m realizing how bloody stupid I’ve been. I shouldn’t have left. Mother and Father will never forget this and I’m never going to be able to go back now. My entire life is ruined and it's all your fault. I’m not going to be able to go back to Hogwarts and act like nothing has changed. You know what my house is like. There's no way that people haven’t found out that we’ve both left. I’ll be ruined. And now that I don’t have Father or Mother backing me, nobody will care about who I am and they’ll be even more relentless in the bullying and I won’t have anyone to help me get through it now.” Regulus was breathing hard and his hands were clenched, the knuckles white as he ruffled the comforter. His eyes burned and he willed himself not to cry. He couldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Sirius, not like this. 

“Reg. I swear no matter what's happened between us in the past, I am gonna stand by your side. No matter what. We’re all gonna be by your sides. And if your friends are actually your friends they'll support you too no matter what. And if they don’t, then that’s their loss.” Sirius said. 

Regulus didn’t know what to say. He opened his mouth to say something but there was another knock on the door. 

“Boys. May I come in?” Euphemia asked softly. 

Sirius looks at his brother. Regulus nods tentatively. 

“Come in Mum.” Sirius’ voice is warm and Euphemia smiles as she enters. 

“Sirius, why don’t you go down and join the other boys for lunch?” She looks at Regulus for confirmation. 

Sirius stands slowly and reaches his hand out to his brother. Regulus sits up and leans against the headboard. He clasps his brother's hand and squeezes. He doesn’t want to be left alone right now. His eyes are wide and panic blown. Sirius goes to let go and Regulus makes a choked sound. He shakes his head. 

“Don’t-” He can’t get the words out and the world fogs over. Memories flash through his mind, he whimpers as his brain screams at him. Harsh words from his parents and aggressive attacks from students at Hogwarts flood his mind. He clings to his brother and shudders violently. 

Sirius curls his body around his younger brother. “It’s ok. I’m here Reggie. I’m not going anywhere.” He looks at Euphemia with panic. She slips from the room and comes back with a small vial. 

“It’s just a Pepper Up Potion. He’ll only need one drop. It should help him want to eat something too.” She handed the vial to Sirius who pulled the dropper out. 

“Regulus, Reggie can you open your mouth for me?” His voice comes out in a whisper. 

Regulus can hear his brother’s request and with all the strength that he can muster cracks his jaw open. He swallows whatever the liquid that Sirius places on his tongue and feels it slide down his throat. He gags. He grabs at his brother and forces himself to swallow again. Slowly the world comes back into focus and he can breathe a bit easier. His lungs burn. He coughs hard. Once and then twice and then a bit of blood floods his mouth. Sirius’ hand rubs his back and Regulus swallows again.