Work Text:
Killian stood over Hope's crib, staring down at her with a small smile as her little arms and legs wiggled around.
On the outside, he looked like a content and happy man—which he was to an extent—but on the inside, his heart was aching.
He knew logically that he shouldn't be feeling this way— that he had what Regina and other former villains longed for, and that he should be grateful and cherish what he had. And don't get him wrong, he was.
He really was but he just couldn't stop thinking about the past and all he had lost over the years.
Who he had lost.
His grandparents.
His aunts and uncles and cousins.
His parents and siblings.
His friends.
Himself.
His past luvs...
his children..
Many people thought Hope was his first child or that Henry was his first step child, but they weren't.
There had been others— others after Bae and before Hope and Henry—to 5 different women and he never stopped thinking about them. Stopped missing them.
He had tried, of course, like he always did when he lost someone or did something that went against his morals. But as expected, the method didn't work—couldn't work— and it really shouldn't have surprised him.
He was an idiot for even thinking that drinking could erase the pain of 4 additional failed relationships & the loss of 11 children. It hadn't worked with Milah or Baelfire, so why would it work on any one who came after them?
Killian gently puckled up Hope, hoping that holding her would help take his mind off what he lost but it didn't.
It didn't take his mind off Gothel, his first relationship after he lost Milah. It didn't take his mind off of the fact that she had lied to, verbally abused, and manipulated him throughout their entire relationship.
It didn't take his mind off of her little black haired, gray eyed daughter (who looked nothing like her), Cassandra.
It didn't take his mind off of how brave and impulsive and protective she was or the fact that she had been only 7 when he had met her. 8 when her younger siblings—his first biological children— Alice and Liam were born. That she'd been 9 when he & her mother broke up— 9 when her mother started using her & her siblings to hurt him.
Hope's presence couldn't erase their existence or the fact that he genuinely loved all of them— even the 3 who had popped up after he and Gothel broke it off. He could honestly say he was the only father Cass, the twins, Ginny, and the other twins (Glenn & Mason) had ever had & that it wasn't one sided.
They wouldn't have fought their mother to see him constantly if it had been.
The weight of her in his arms couldn't erase the memory of Narissa & her vindictive, ambitious nature that scored her a kingdom or her sweet, naive, 6 year old step son who took a shining to him.
It couldn't erase the imagine of Edward's big smile when he saw him or the feeling of his tiny hand in his when he led him to his father's grave so he could 'meet' him from his mind.
It couldn't erase the weight of her black haired sister, Harriet, from when she'd first been placed in his arms. Or the imagine of her smile & big blue eyes whenever he came to visit her & Edward after he and Narissa split.
It couldn't erase the memories of his relationship with the fiery pirate fairy Zarina or their son, Harry, who wanted to be just like him.
Couldn't erase the memories of sickly little Hort who was the result of a one night stand and was the only one of his children to live with him.
Couldn't erase the memories of his fellow pirate and childhood friend turned lover turned ex turned lover again, Red Jessica, or their little bundle of chaotic Joy, Calista Jane or Cj as she preferred, who looked almost identical to Hope when she was born.
Hope's existence couldn't erase any of that or the joy he felt when he had to watch all of them together for the first time and found out that they all actually got along.
All her existence could really do at the moment was remind him of all of her siblings and their mothers who tried & sometimes succeeded to keep them away from him.
Something that Killian couldn't help but feel bitter & regretful about— something he had never been able to forgive and move on from. Even now, he still held hate in his heart for his exes for using all of his children against him to get what they wanted. Even now that he found his happy ending.
He couldn't help it, honestly.
Just like how he couldn't help but wish for more with his now passed children even though he knew that it would never come.
He knew that his children never blamed him for not being there as often as they all would have liked. He knew that they never hated him for it — unlike himself.
They had known he had tried with all his might to visit them as much as possible and that between Neverland & their mothers, that it hadn't been enough for him or them.
They had known that he loved them, even when the time would slip through his fingers and he'd miss something. And in a way, that made what Killian was feeling worse. Made it more painful and made him hate himself more, because he felt he hadn't deserved their love and admiration.
The memories of their deaths had only reinforced that idea of his—especially since most of them had died far too young for his liking...
Alice and Liam had been the first of his children to go, and no one really knew for sure what had really happened to them.
All anyone really knew was that one day, Alice sent him and Cassandra both frantic letters, informing them that she and Liam had fallen ill after eating some Wonderland berries and that they needed immediate assistance.
Killian had quickly rushed to the young adventurers' aid upon receiving the letter, alongside their older sister, but it had been too late by the time they had finally made it and the two 19 year olds were dead.
Dead before their time.
Dead after one year of exploring which paled in comparison to the dreams of exploring they had, had.
Liam (or Lee as preferred) had been found in his and his sister's tent, covered in his own sick, pale as a sheet, and body stiff as a board.
And Alice/Tilly?
Tilly had been found at the bottom of a waterfall not too far away.
They had died a week apart from one another and that was all anyone could really figure out from the scene.
After that, all they had was theories. Theories with no or little evidence to back them. And none of the theories were very appealing... just like their joint funeral had been.
All of their siblings (blood or not) were devastated by their loss, almost as devastated as he had been, and the funeral had been very somber. More somber than the twins would have liked, probably.
But no one was really in the mood to try and break the tension.
The fact that Gothel didn't even show up to mourn them didn't help to ease the pain or tension at all.
Cassandra had been the next to go— less than 2 years later, at only 29.
She had moved kingdoms not long after her younger siblings' deaths and had quickly managed to climb the ranks, becoming a high ranking knight in the process.
Killian hadn't seen her since the twins' funeral but had kept in regular contact with her through letters.
So, of course he had become concerned when he hadn't received one from her in several weeks & went to investigate.
Killian was sure he had never arrived in a land quite so quickly before— he'd been desperate to see his daughter again; to find her before any serious harm could befall her. But it hadn't mattered in the end, because in the end he had once again been too late.
His daughter's kingdom was encased in black rocks that hadn't been there before and amber— along with everyone in it.
And Cassandra had been right at the center of it all— ahead of her fellow soldiers, the Stygian sword he had given her for her 14th birthday raised high above her head. Face frozen in fear that was so unlike her and confusion, as if she hadn't known what she was facing.
Killian nearly wept at the sight of his brave, stubborn, headstrong little girl so afraid— especially when it became apparent that no amount of force would free her or the other townsfolk from the amber.
They hadn't even been able to move her & Killian was sure that that little fact would haunt him forever... along with the fact that they hadn't been able to give her a funeral because they had to flee from the encroaching rocks.. leaving Cassandra behind, alone, and lost forever.
The next to fall was Edward, nearly a full 2 years after Cassandra's untimely demise.
His death hurt and haunted Killian the most, because it was one that could have been avoided.
One that Killian could have prevented if he had only said something to his sorta son.
One that constantly made Killian think of the 'What ifs?'.
After all, Edward hadn't known that his evil stepmother—the woman who had raised him—was a power hungry witch who'd do anything to keep her hands on the throne.
He had blindly trusted her as he did everyone else—more so even, since she raised him— & had ultimately paid for it when she had slit his throat in his sleep. Of course, there had been no proof that she had done it but Killian had known without a doubt that she had.
It was obvious to anyone who had eyes.
Narissa was far too happy and smug after Edward's death, and her tears had miraculously dried up when anyone left the room.
The servants of the castle (some of which Killian had planted to look after his children) had heard her humming the day Edward's body was found and had said she hadn't stopped even when the maid who found him screamed. Killian had no doubts that she was the one responsible upon looking back on their (short) time together.
Narissa had always cared far more about the throne than she had about him or Edward, and now she miraculously had it after her step son had been murdered in the safest kingdom on earth. And she had definitely killed him to get it.
So, Killian in a moment of rage and poor judgment, avenged him even though it had pained him to do so. Even though a part of him still loved her—even though she was the mother of his daughter. And everyone ended up regarding him as a hero & loved him for it.
Everyone but his 18 year old daughter, Harriet, and her sister (Gothel's daughter), Ginny.
Harriet had been distraught and hurt and enraged by his actions, and had told him that she never wanted to see him again. And that if she did, she'd have him killed. And Ginny had backed her, telling him that he should have told her before acting. Giving her the decision on what to do.
And looking back, Killian knew that she had been right, even if their decision had nearly destroyed him at the time.
Harriet went on to grow up, meet a boy named Anthony, and have two beautiful children— all of which Killian never got to meet— after being crowned queen.
All while Killian watched from afar, respecting her wishes.
He did the same with Ginny, who ended up dying from the plague before she even reached 30 with her husband, a young man named Claymore, by her side.
Leaving their five young children orphaned.
All while Killian watched from afar, sending various things to her house in hopes of curing her or making her imminent demise more comfortable.
He still couldn't believe that one single action— one that many still deemed honorable and heroic— had cost him two more of his children. But it had and he had been forced to accept it and learn from his mistakes while trying to do better with his final five children.
That unfortunately didn't last for long, because soon after his falling out with Harriet and Ginny, he was dealt with another blow.
A harsher, painful one that once again nearly killed him.
One that came in the forum of 3 of his remaining five children dying via hanging.
Which were 3 additional deaths that he blamed himself for— 3 additional deaths that everyone blamed him for.
Because Mason and Glenn (who were 17) and Harry (who was only 15) wouldn't have become pirates if it weren't for him.
If he had never become a pirate, they wouldn't have admired pirates quite as strongly and wouldn't have decided to become ones themselves.
Wouldn't have decided to join a crew together and cause minor havoc while sticking it to corrupt kingdoms like he had. Wouldn't have gotten on so many people's bad sides until they were captured and hanged without mercy by King George II.
Something Gothel and Zarina loved to remind him whenever they popped up.
Something that had burned itself into Killian's head forever while leaving him with only two willing children to care for.
Hort was the second to last to die but the youngest of his siblings to do so due to his weak lungs and asthma.
He was barely 13 years old when he was struck with a nasty asthma attack when they crossed over to a realm that was, unbeknownst to them, unsuitable for the young boy's health and lungs.
He died in Killian's arms unable to breath with Killian unable to do anything to help him.
His gaspy breaths haunting KIllian's memories long after the boy's face became blurry in his mind.
Cj had died of old age at nearly 100 years old, something Killian was grateful for even though it still hurt him greatly.
He was grateful that Cj had gotten to live a full life—one full of adventure and joy.
One she got to love with the daughter of a Voodoo king and the son and daughter of the royal Advisor of Emperor Kuzco in a kingdom on the other side of the enchanted forest.
One that most of her siblings never got.
One that he had gotten to actually be a part of.
His little girl hadn't even been annoyed at the fact that he continued to age slower than her.
In fact, she had made jokes about it and encouraged him to keep doing whatever he was doing so he could get his happy ending sooner or later. Which was one of the few things that had kept Killian going over the years— before and after her death.
Cj was proof that people cared about him. Proof that he was loveable and redeemable, and that he could be a good father if he were to have kids again...
Hope wiggled in his arms and squealed loudly, immediately ripping him out of the painful spiral of memories he had found himself in.
The small blonde was chewing on her fist, staring up at him in wide eyed wonder and admiration. Something every baby of his (and probably every baby in general) did, causing his heart to clench painfully.
In that moment, he swore that he'd do everything in his power to make sure that she lived a long and fulfilling life. That she wouldn't die young if he could help it. And it was a promise that he was gonna keep, even if it killed him.
Suddenly he felt a very familiar pair of arms wrap around him. He tensed for a moment but upon throwing a glance over his shoulder and spotting Emma, relaxed.
She was wearing one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers, and had a serious case of bedhead.
Yet she was smiling.
"How are my two favorite people in the world doing on this fine morning?"
Killian smiled back at her as Hope squealed in delight and reached upwards, clearly happy to see her mother. "We're doing good, luv. Did you sleep well?"
Emma nodded, resting her head on his chin.
"Wanna wake Lucy and get Granny's for breakfast ?"
That was another person to protect and get a happy ending for.
His step granddaughter.
"Absolutely."