Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

PROLOGUE

"So, what do you think happened between you two?" Said the voice from afar.

Baekhyun stared at a gray cotton silk covering his knee. His fingers were tightly knotted because he was nervous. Of course, he was fighting the tears from falling, but it was useless. No one who lived in his shoes could be that strong.

"Maybe everything was wrong from the beginning. Maybe we shouldn't have met in the first place. Maybe...he'd be better off without me."

Salty tears streamed from his eyes. The image was blurry because he was sure he shouldn't cry anymore. He didn't want to be weak anymore. Even if his love was weakening with every beat of his heart. The pain weighed on him like an anchor. He wanted to swim away from it, but it only pulled him into the deepest corner of despair. Baekhyun felt like his head was numb, but he was sure he would not awake anytime soon.

"Could you tell me a bit more about this story? I'd like to know more about Kyungsoo."

At the mention of that name, his mood immediately changed.

"What do you want to know about him?"

The woman hid a shadow of a smile. She was the worst when it came to pretending, Baekhyun realized. She did not want to know about the marriage. She wanted Kyungsoo. And all the details about the failed relationship. She wanted to know why they had broken up in first place.

"I have nothing to say about my husband. It was my fault, I should have given him more."

He’s not staring her when he says that. It’s shameful to be recognized like a failure.

"Is that what you think, Mr. Byun?" She asks, with her honey voice trying to make him feel comfortable.

"That's what I know. If I were a better husband, maybe..." Baekhyun broke down, speechless.

Pointless. It was pointless to imagine what might have been if he had not been such a broken bastard.

Baekhyun didn't want to think. He didn't want to harbor regrets about anything involving Kyungsoo. He would do his best to stick with therapy, and become a better person, someone who deserved the love Kyungsoo always dreamed of returning.

"So, are you implying that your relationship lacks devotion?"

Baekhyun smiled without joy in his eyes. It was a content smile. He was trying to accept that he had already lost the first battle.

"Love, ma'am, is a battleground. Whoever takes more leaves another with less. That's the only truth I know."

He stared at her this time. Her eyes didn't lie: she wasn't even listening to a word he said. She wanted to analyze his thoughts, and place them in boxes, but love alone wasn't enough to label him. No analyst could understand the kind of love he felt for Kyungsoo. That was his love to feel and share with its owner, the only one that could see all the colors of his kaleidoscopic heart.

Chapter Text

KYUNGSOO

I used to wake up every morning, greeted by the irresistible aroma of Baekhyun's mouthwatering chocolate pancakes. He would get up a couple of hours before me, dedicated to preparing the most delicious breakfast since we got married. We'd playfully goof around the kitchen, enjoying each other's company, until he would jokingly beg for a kiss.

His soft skin, cute lips, and dreamy eyes were everything I adored in the world. I never grew tired of admiring him—whether it was his singing, painting, or his skill on the piano—I was captivated. And every now and then, I'd dance for him, adding another layer of joy to our lives. I have to say, I couldn't have imagined a happier life.

But I also wasn't expecting when everything changed.

Just three months before my 30th birthday, I received an offer to teach Dance at Sonnenschein Liberal Arts School. Excitement filled our hearts as we moved to Godrick right after New Year's Eve. Finally, we had a big house nestled in the mountains. It was close enough to the shore yet far away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Our new place was about 15 minutes away from the shore and a 30-minute drive from campus. Sure, it wasn't the most convenient for commuting, but we loved it. The mountains and forests surrounding us provided the perfect backdrop for Baekhyun's painting sessions—peaceful and inspiring.

One sunny morning, I woke up to the delightful scent of vanilla wafting through the air. Instantly, a smile spread across my face, and I couldn't resist the urge to get out of bed. As I descended the stairs, the cold touch of the hardwood floor awakened my senses. The sound of music and Baekhyun's humming drew me to the kitchen. It was "Clair de Lune," a timeless classic, emanating from the piano.

I followed the sound into the spacious living room, adorned with book-filled cupboards and a pristine white piano. From there, I entered the adjacent kitchen. Baekhyun stood before me, wearing the red scarf I gave him last Christmas and a cooking apron adorned with his own artistic touch—a pattern of yellow flowers, our favorite.

With a smile, I embraced him from behind, catching a whiff of his citrusy perfume. Baekhyun laughed, holding my hand against his chest.

"Good morning, handsome. Hungry?" he teased, playing along.

"The smell is as amazing as ever, baby."

His smile widened, reveling in the compliments. I knew how much he loved them, and I gladly showered him with affection to show my love.

"Good to hear. You can sit if you want. Or..."

"You want a kiss?"

Baekhyun's smile grew, and he took my hand, placing it gently against his face. Now, his eyes met mine, his smile shining so bright it made my heart sing. I loved him more than words could express.

“Baby, I love…”

"Kyungsoo?" He says, touching the back of my hand and interrupting me, "Where's the ring?"

His tone confuses me.

"What ring?"

His eyes shake. He drops one hand and catches my left hand in a blink. He shows me his finger. A shadow of where the wedding ring is supposed to be is there, but there's no ring on it. Now I get it.

"Oh, the wedding ring? It's upstairs."

"Then go get it."

His tone made me laugh.

"What? I'm not running from you, darling. I put it on when getting dressed."

There was a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. He released one hand and swiftly caught hold of my left hand. Pointing to his own finger, I noticed a faint indentation where the wedding ring used to be, but mine was bare. Understanding washed over me.

"Babe, please. I'll put it on later, I promise." I try to argue.

"Please, go get the ring." He says, and it's a statement.

His seriousness was palpable, but I couldn't help but laugh, showering him with kisses on his forehead, lips, and cheeks. He could be impossible at times, but that's precisely what made my love for him so profound.

Returning to our room, I found the kaleidoscopic ring resting on the bedside table. It was a heart-shaped gem, a dazzling fusion of colors that had enchanted Baekhyun from the moment he laid eyes on it. He would always say it symbolized our relationship, but in truth, it resembled him the most—vibrant, dynamic, and filled with all the hues he had brought into my life throughout the years we had been together.

Later, we finally sat down to enjoy breakfast together. He continued to smile at me throughout the meal, which made me believe that perhaps he had already forgiven me by the time I left for work.

"Are you heading out today? Wanna ride?"

"Maybe later." He jokes as if I wouldn't guess what he's meaning by that.

"Please, babe. That's nasty."

He shrugs.

"I'll be waiting for you tonight. I have nothing to do besides painting."

"Well, actually… I was hoping you could help me out with a number. We were thinking about working on a play for Chinese New Year. Since it's the year of the rabbit…"

"We?" he interjected, pointing at me.

Baekhyun avoided making eye contact and continued eating, patiently waiting for an explanation.

"Yes, Baekhyun. We. My class. Why do you ask?"

He stared at me, something unspoken lingering in his gaze, but I couldn't quite reach it. His smile, so plain and devoid of its usual warmth, sent a shiver down my spine.

"Nothing. I was just curious. So, who's on your team?"

"Ok…" I responded cautiously, wary of the sudden shift in his demeanor, "It's me, the drama teacher, and someone who works with music."

"Is that ‘someone’, Sehun? That Korean guy from the music department?" he asked, a hint of accusation in his voice.

Ah, so that's what this is about.

"Yes! You remember him, right?" I tried to sound casual, hoping to alleviate any lingering doubts.

"The drunk guy at the Christmas party who wanted a threesome with my husband? How could I forget?"

There it was again—the biting irony in his tone. I could feel the weight of his words bearing down on me.

"Baekhyun, that was years ago. We weren't together yet."

"6 and a half years ago, precisely." he retorted.

The clattering of my cutlery echoed against the plate, and I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I knew exactly where this conversation was headed.

"Honestly, Baekhyun, I'm not arguing with you about this."

"Who's arguing? I'm just stating facts."

"Please, I'm begging you, Baek. Let's not go down this road."

He stared at me, his expression void of emotion.

"I'm not trying to start anything," he replied calmly.

His words left me even more perplexed. I couldn't decipher his intentions, unsure if I had misinterpreted his previous remarks. Was he joking earlier? Doubt filled my mind, making it difficult to form a coherent argument. Eventually, I surrendered, realizing the futility of trying to make sense of the situation.

"Sorry, I must have misunderstood you," I muttered, my voice tinged with uncertainty.

Baekhyun responded with a wide smile, gently tapping his index finger on the back of my hand—a familiar touch that always brought me comfort. His warm voice resonated soothingly.

"It's okay, honey. Let's just enjoy our meal together, shall we?"

I nodded, allowing us to proceed with our breakfast. He served me a homemade dessert and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, the sweetness perfectly balanced, reflecting the care he put into preparing our meals. Once we had eaten our fill, I bid him farewell with a tender kiss, and he playfully nipped at my lips, his smile never fading. With a cheerful disposition, I headed to work.

During the drive, I tuned in to the radio, as I often did, making it somewhat of a ritual. It was a source of solace, allowing me to immerse myself in the enchanting world of music. Each day brought the possibility of discovering something new, a melody or lyric that could calm my soul.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

I was going to Sonnenschein to teach what I knew best: how to dance. I was lucky enough to get back there after so many years. The memories and pains that the campus held for me weren't enough to prevent me from leaving. Despite hardships along the way, that place always brought out the best in me. And because of that, I felt lucky to be able to work there with my friends after college.

As soon as I get to class, I greet every student with a smile. I truly cherish every single one of them, because I can feel their passion for dancing in their veins. It reminds me of the days when I was so passionate about dance that I would stay training until dawn at Miss Monet’s dance academy when I was ten years old.

Sehun appears after a while, and he helps me with the music by playing the piano. He actually teaches Music to dancers, but he sure knows how to play an instrument as well. We had too much fun working together the first days, and we’d connect very quickly. He knows how to make students interested in a class, and I know exactly how to push their limits for a great performance. We make a good pair, of course. I also know that I wouldn't be as great if it weren't for him.

When we finish the first quarter of classes, I asked Sehun if he wants to grab a coffee with me. We go together to the cafeteria like the old days, and he waits by my side in line while we wait for our order.

"Today was great." He says, "I think we're going to make such an amazing play this year, Kyungsoo. I really do."

"I'm anxious. It's the first time I'm participating in a production."

Sehun laughed.

"You're so sweet by saying that, considering all your prizes. No wonder Baekhyun fell hard for you.” He smiles, staring at me, “Talking about it, how's he going?"

"Oh, he is…"

"Oh Sehun and Do Kyungsoo?" Calls the barista, interrupting me.

Sehun jumps excitedly.

"It's us!" He says before he heads to grab both coffees.

I laughed because I have always found it funny how much he likes the drink.

"Goddamn" I murmur.

Suddenly, my phone vibrates. When I catch up, I see from the notifications that it is Baekhyun who has sent me a photo of himself. He’s half-naked, so that makes me blush. There's no way I'd open the app so someone could see me sipping over my husband. Also, I don't want people to witness him like that. It's too risky. So I just ignored it for a while and waited for Sehun to come back.

We grabbed our coffee and headed for the second round of classes. This time, we'll be teaching music to students of all art majors. So it's very exciting to see so many talented people in one room.

Classes go by, and it's challenging to track the time. When we finish, it's past noon. I feel my phone vibrate again, and I know it's Baekhyun again. So this time I answered him:

Baekhyun: Hi, dear. Hope you're thinking about me Xx

Baekhyun sent you a photo

Baekhyun: Kyungsoo… are you there?

Baekhyun: Why aren't you answering me?

Baekhyun: Please, don't forget to answer me as soon as possible.

Kyungsoo: Sorry. Busy day. I'll get back to you soon, honey.

Kyungsoo: You look amazingly beautiful as always. Can't wait to bite you wholly♡

I thought he wouldn't answer me so fast, but I saw the three points blinking on the screen right away. That made me smile.

Baekhyun: Did you finish? Can we have lunch together? I'm feeling lonely.

Kyungsoo: Sorry bulb, I can't. I'm still in college, so I won't be home until 4 pm.

Baekhyun: Yeah? Well, look behind you.

That confuses me. I was in the music room, waiting for Sehun to come with me. So I look around and I see nothing. Sehun is coming towards me with a smile. He's the brightest person I've ever seen, so it's nearly impossible not to smile back at him.

"Hey, Dyo, wanna grab something with me? I'm starving."

"Yeah, sure. I'm just…"

The door opens, revealing something unexpected. Baekhyun enters the room like it's a club. That makes me anxious. He's not supposed to be here, since he's not a student anymore.

"Yah, Baekhyun! It's you? Wah! That's insane!" Sehun yelled.

He's happy to see my husband, but I would do anything to prevent this.

"Baekhyun… what are you doing?"

I'm not happy. He noticed that he had done something that disappointed me. He smiles carefully and shows us a bag.

"I brought lunch." He says.

Fuck. How can I argue with this?

"Wah, now I envy you, Kyungsoo. You have the best husband ever."

That doesn't buy me. I know exactly why he's here.

"C'mon, baby, let's go," I say as I follow him to the door.

"No, wait. I didn't greet Sehun. Hello, Sehunnie. How are you? I'm Byun Baekhyun, Kyungsoo's husband." He made sure everyone could hear the word husband out of his mouth, even miles away.

Since Sehun is such a sweet soul, he didn't even blink when Baekhyun waved at him. But for me, I was done. My lips twisted, and I was getting mad. He's making me nervous with all of show.

"Baekhyun…"

"Yeah, I know." Sehun points out, "You guys ended up together, uh? That's a big deal."

"Yeah. Kyungsoo asked me to live with him forever, so I couldn't say no.” He laughs, pretending he’s not poisoned with jealousy, “But it's a pleasure to see you again. See you soon, hopefully."

"Bye, bye!" Sehun says waving at us.

I led Baekhyun out of the room by holding his arm. We are walking through the corridor to the stairs, and I'm pissed off because now I know why he's here. He feels my anger and stops in the middle of the stairs.

"Don't start yelling. You won't win anything with this denial. I saw it." Baekhyun warned me, showing his anger.

"What?" I'm shocked that he was accusing me out of nowhere, "Baekhyun, please, please, just, please. Don't make me fight with you right now."

"I'm not doing anything!"

"No. No, you won't make me doubt myself again. That won't work for me."

He puts his hands up, like giving up a fight.

"You're the one working with someone who wants to fuck you. Not me."

"Baekhyun, explain to me: why? Why? Why make such a scene?"

"Scene? What are you talking about?"

I close my eyes. My head is starting to pulse in pain, and I really want to bite something. I start walking, and I take him with me again. We are going away from the crowd because I know that will be bad for my reputation as a teacher to show myself like this. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I'm very emotional, and I can't hold my feelings that easily.

"Where are you taking me?" Baekhyun asks.

"You need to go back. I can't talk to you right now."

"You want me to have lunch alone? I drove all the way here just to give you this!" He cries.

I stopped right away. He looks at me very surprised. I never treated him like that. That look in his eyes makes me feel shitty.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so, so, sorry." I hug him, kissing his head.

Fuck. I shouldn't have been so harsh on him like that. He did nothing wrong, he just loves me too much. Baekhyun is such a fragile soul, he doesn't deserve to be judged for his insecurities.

"I love you." I assure him, "but you are getting too…"

"Yes?" He whispers.

"I worry about you, baby. You know that."

"I know." He says, hugging me tightly, "I know everything about you. You're my one and only."

"Yeah. But… what I meant was that you might need some help with your precious heart. Help to deal with your jealousy."

"Jealous?" He laughed as if I was being ridiculous, "I'm not a teenager anymore. Soo, I just wanted to have lunch with you. I don't need to fight with anyone what is already mine, right?

He blinked one eye, catching me off guard.

"Uh, no.” I stare at him, confused by his mood swings, “Of course not. But, you, coming here like that… it's not allowed. I'm a teacher now, I need to earn some respect. Either way, people are going to start talking."

He keeps smiling. I'm being stupid, asking him for the obvious, but his smile makes it more embarrassing. Makes me feel like I'm being overdramatic.

"Oh, dear…" He sighs, "It's just jealousy. Everyone knows we're perfect for each other. There are only a few people lucky enough to live a love story like ours, Kyungsoo."

He had a point.

"I know that, Baek. But…"

"Shhhh…" He shuts me, pacing his finger delicately on my lips. "Don't. Eat with me. Then we can talk. Yes?"

I nod, agreeing with him. I'm still not happy that he's trying very hard to make me believe there's nothing wrong with his visit, that he was not trying to spy on Sehun, or that his desperation to see me was normal. Part of me knows that I'm right in calling his attention. But part of me also knows that he only does this because he loves me too much.

We had lunch together, and he told me great stories about his ongoing painting project. He's willing to sell a whole collection by the end of the season, and he's happy to keep the whole project as his private secret. He is committed enough to not show any of the paintings even for me, which is admirable as always. Baekhyun had always been such a dedicated artist.

So when he actually leaves, it's already past 1 pm. Sehun and I met again for a meeting with all departments, and we both got involved in the play project. I spent the rest of my day working with the teachers to plan the event. Just like my freshman year, it will be memorable. The thought of the past makes me shiver involuntarily. I don’t want to go back there. The past is dead and gone, and we should look forward to the future again. That’s what I keep in mind the whole time.

After the meeting is done, Sehun follows me to the parking lot. He remembers some stories from our past, which makes us laugh. It's a funny thing to know someone remembers you so dearly, with so many fond memories.

"So you ended up coming back here, uh? You don't know how much I missed you guys. Really! It's really good to see you, Kyungsoo."

"I'm glad to see you, too. Honestly, I am very happy. Baekhyun also liked the idea of coming back to the city after so long."

"Yeah? That's surprising."

I laughed.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well... I don't know." He glanced at me, but his eyes were smiling. "It's just a guess. I… didn't think Baekhyun actually liked Sonnenschein.”

“Really? No. He was pretty quiet back then, sure, but he always liked the campus. I mean, I guess so. He didn’t protest when we talked about getting back here.”

“Hum.” Sehun murmurs.

We are already close to our cars. He stops and looks at me with a weird expression.

"Please, don't get me wrong, Kyungsoo. I know you said earlier that you asked for Baekhyun to help us with the play. However, I think that this project may be safer if it’s just discussed between us.”

His words confuse me.

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, you know your husband better than me.”

I get what he’s saying. It’s about that scene Baekhyun did earlier. Fuck, I didn't expect him to be the one to warn me about it. I’m so ashamed, I want to disappear.

“I’m very sorry, Sehun, I am. Baekhyun is going through a phase right now, but I’m willing to… I don’t know. I need to think about it.”

Sehun raises his hands like it’s none of his business.

“I’m just saying that if he does help with the project, it may be stressful for you. But I’m not against his opinion, you know. Because he’s a talented artist, just like us.”

“He is.” I agreed with a nod.

Sehun smiles.

“Then think about it. Bye, bye. See you tomorrow.”

He leaves, and I get into my car. I just stayed there for a few minutes, because I didn't know what to think or say. I know Sehun is right, but I also know that Baekhyun is too sensitive. I can’t talk him out of the project if I already asked him to help me. That would make him miserable, I’m sure.

By the time I got back home, my head was already hurting.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

When I’m home again, I can hear Clair de Lune being played on the piano. Baekhyun is in the living room, so immersed in the music, he can barely hear me coming. So I watch him.

His hand touches the white keys so smoothly, it's like the piano obeys his unspoken wishes for how the music is supposed to sound. I'm mesmerized. Instantly, flashes of him playing at Sonnenschein come to my mind. It's a nostalgic memory that fills my heart with love. I'm starting to miss the days when things were simpler.

I turn to him and stand next to the piano. I can see the shadow of a smile and I know that he saw me. He's murmuring the melody along with the piano, and it's so beautiful to watch him play that I just can feel the music in me, too. He nods as if he already knows that my body is connected to his music. He's quietly asking me to dance.

Even though I'm tired, even if it's late, and even if I'm just not dressed for the occasion, I let my body feel his music in my bones. I left my belongings on the floor and took off some of my clothes. I'm now wearing just underwear and a plain white tee. My body moves like I'm possessed by the sound of his tapping fingers. He's making music with the tip of his fingers, moving me deeply.

I’m on my knees on the floor. I can feel the cold of the wood, but my body won’t acknowledge the lack of heat. I throw my hands up in the air and I’m staring at him glancing at me. His eyes are always so glued to me, it makes me feel under his control. I’m only a submissive to his power now, to his music. He has a grip on me.

As I moved my muscles in a cambré step, I let my whole body speak to him. As the music grows, I feel my legs lifting, almost like a command. I'm finding the right balance between now and the beyond-imagined. I turn around and do a flawless rond de jambe. His eyes catch every inch of movement my body makes, never letting the melody die even for a second. That’s what keeps me moving. His music, talking to me, ordering me to dance like we are one. Right there, for a second, we are.

While performing a mid-jeté, I jump as if my body did not weigh anything. The sequence of graceful movements is what I excel at, and I know Baekhyun loves to watch this part. I am now trying to make him see me. I’m craving his attention to me, as I stretch my torso and legs, lifting one leg to do an adagio. He smiles because it’s perfect. My hands are graciously pointing at his round face, and the music is starting to fade.

He’s playing the bridge, and I’m just moving in circles to do a failli. In mid-air, I do a mid-jeté again. Finally, I stand still with my arms open in an arabesque when the music stops. Baekhyun plays again, and my feet start to move for a grand allegro. I’m running around the room, and I swear I can feel the melody in my heart. It makes me emotional, almost as if he’s talking to me in a silent melody.

When the song finally comes to an end, I’m on the floor again. Baekhyun is sitting on the white bench, breathing while staring at his lap. He looks so hurt, it breaks my heart. I want to reach his heart and see what he wants to hide. I wanted to show him how beautiful we could be if he left this weight behind, but I can't. Every time I search for him, I see nothing. His heart is protected from me as always.

I sigh, standing up. My feet move to him and I reach for his left hand lying on his lap. The kaleidoscopic heart in our fingers shines at us in low light. Our hands are close together, and I can feel his heat so close to me now. I cannot think of a more thrilling sensation than this.

"I missed you, dear." He whispered, "You danced amazingly as always."

That compliment makes my heart sing.

"It's only because of you. You're getting better every day."

Baekhyun nods, but I know he’s not listening. He’s somehow distant now that there’s no melody holding us together. Besides the twilight sun streaming through the tall window, there is not much light in the room. So I don’t see his face so clearly. But he gripped my hand, still staring at our wedding ring.

"I was just thinking about us." He says, getting closer to me, "I was thinking about you and me, together."

"We are together, Baekhyun."

"Yes, of course. But I want this to last forever. Don't you think it's time for us to try?"

I stare at him. Now his eyes are looking deep into mine. He has been crying, I can clearly see. That breaks my heart in two. What is going on with him?

"Try what?"

"To add more love to our relationship.” He hesitates, as he lifts our hands for a kiss, “Kyungsoo… I want a child."

He scares me.

"What?"

His eyes flickered. There's something he's trying to hide from me but I can almost see it, it's right there.

"I said I wanted to have a baby with you."

His tone is cold. He's disappointed because I’m not reacting the way he imagined. I’m speechless. I don’t know what I can say to not hurt his feelings.

"Baek, wait. What are you talking about? We can't have a child. We're… men. We'll need to adopt a baby, and this takes time. And, honestly, I don't know if…"

"Is it because of someone else? That you've been hesitating around me for a long time now?"

Baekhyun’s face is numb. He’s serious about this.

"What? No! I'm just trying to make you see what you are asking me. It's a big deal to raise a kid."

"It's a big deal for me to realize that you don't want to take my needs into consideration anymore." He's mad now, pointing his finger at my chest. "You don't love me, that's why! You're so focused on other people that you forgot that I am your spouse. You own me!"

Now I’m standing up, getting rid of him. I’m very surprised by his words, but I also know he’s struggling with something. I’m very confused when I say:

"Baby, I love you to the core of my being."

He notices my tone. His eyes narrow and I know he doesn’t believe the shit I’m saying.

"Is that so? Then why are you so open with strangers? Why is it that we haven't had a date in months, but you're still hanging out with people?"

I hesitated. The way he said it, so hurtful, made my head hurt. It's like he knows that he's telling me the bitter truth. But something is not clicking.

"How do you know if I'm hanging out with people? I didn't tell you anything. I knew you would freak out."

He trembles. Baekhyun knows I'm making a point.

"I don't. I just… that's what I'm talking about, you're lying to me!" He accuses me, pointing fingers again.

"No, Baekhyun. No. How do you know if I'm spending time with people? Answer me."

"That's not the point."

"How do you know?" I yell.

"That's not the point!" He screamed. "That's not the point! See? You care more about a shitty comment than my own feelings. You've changed, Do Kyungsoo. And I know that something is pushing you away from me."

"There’s anything, this is all in your head! You need to stop focusing so much on jealousy. Baby, I wouldn't dare to love anyone who wasn't you."

We locked eyes. I can see how lost he is with my words, trying so hard to believe in me. I run to him, and I hold him in my arms like he's just a child. His grip on me is strong, but he doesn't show any emotional reaction. He just let me hold him tight.

We stand like this for what seems hours, until Baekhyun murmurs something about dinner. So I cook for him this time, and we eat together in silence. Baekhyun doesn't say a word the whole time, and after dinner, he heads to the studio alone to finish his paintings. I give him some space, so I follow upstairs to our room.

My head is about to explode. Moments after I lay in bed, there were a million thoughts and memories running through my head. I want to cry, but it's useless. I know I will have to take action against his behavior, but I don't know how far I'll need to push him. So I searched online for a therapist. I searched for everything you could possibly find about relationship therapy. I even emailed some doctors to schedule a meeting, because I'm desperately lost.

I'm taking a bath right after. Baekhyun didn't want to talk, so he was still in the studio while I was showering, thinking about what he said earlier. If he knows I had lunch with my colleagues, that means he saw us somewhere on campus. That means he is watching us at that time of the day. It could simply be that the day he came to deliver me lunch, he heard Sehun asking me to join him at the restaurant. The thought is alleviating. It makes much more sense than thinking that he may be spying on me. That's batshit crazy. Baekhyun would never do that, ever. He may be jealous of me, and he may be difficult, but he loves me. It's normal for couples to feel insecure when something changes. I may need to compensate him. I could show some love by preparing a surprise.

I finished the bath with a head full of thoughts. I thought about the hardships of love and how I would give anything to have my father by my side. He was my other half, always sharing his life experiences with me. I used to learn so much with him, it makes me miserable to remember I can never see him ever again. Death is inevitable, but it is also a lacerating pain because it's definitive.

As I'm looking for clothes in our closet, I almost put on my leotard again. I feel like I have to clear my head, but I don't want to dance when I just finished bathing. But I don't get the chance to ponder, because when I look in a mirror, Baekhyun is right behind me.

I got jump scared.

I don't scream, but my heart races. He doesn't beg me pardon but rather comes to me in silence. He's wearing a black tee and shorts, looking as handsome as always. His sandy hair is everywhere, but his eyes are focused on me. He hugs me and stares at me through the mirror.

"I don't wanna fight." He whispers, "I don't."

My head is empty. His voice is so husky, I don't know what to say. He kisses my shoulder, following my skin to my neck. His hands reach up to my chest, and he has one of my nipples between his fingers. He stares at me again.

"I won't let you hate me, Kyungsoo."

"You could never do that," I said softly.

"I could. But I won't let it happen."

I don't know what he means by that, but I smile anyway. Because I know he worries about me more than anything.

"I love you very much, darling. You can't even imagine it. It hurts me to see you so insecure. I don't know what else I can give to prove that I am yours."

He doesn't say anything, but his lips are sucking my neck. He has my naked body in his hands, lips, and heart. I feel his tongue all over my back, kissing my skin and sucking my ear. He touches my stomach, and it feels like we're dancing again. I see everything in front of me, every single inch of my reaction to his touch. He's looking at me through the mirror with a cold stare. His hands move down, and even though he's sucking my neck, his fingers reach the place where pleasure controls me.

Baekhyun touches me there slowly. I want to close my eyes, but we're seeing each other through the mirror. He stares at me while rubbing my dick, moving his hands to masturbate me. I'm getting hotter and harder every time he touches it there, in a way my body remembers the feeling. It's like his touches are also imprinted on my skin.

"It's me. I'm the one making you feel this way." He whispers, now playing with one of my nipples, "I'm the one who can hear you like this, desperate for me."

I never heard him talk like that. As surprising as it is, that also turns me on. He's making me feel high, making me feel that I'm under his dominance. He makes me fuck his hand harder, wanking my cock while I watch him watching me. Looking at him giving me pleasure in the mirror is something we have never done before, but somehow, I'm all heated up.

He doesn't stop, and I can't hold my moans with such an image of him. His hands are up to my neck, and he's hanging a grip on me like he's playing the cello. It's hard enough to make me moan louder. Fuck, I can't even think about anything.

"You're mine." He whispers, biting my shoulder, "All mine, baby."

I'm almost there when he says it again. I'm so hot that my head starts to pulse. My cock is very sensitive because of his hands, but even so, Baekhyun kneels down. He doesn't stop moving his hands, but his mouth goes straight up to my ass. He's eating my butt, kissing and biting the cheeks with passion.

"Baekhyun!" I moaned louder.

All I can see is myself getting a hot fuck in the mirror. He sucks my balls, and my legs tremble. I'm about to fall if he doesn't stop. It's too much to handle, all those feelings.

"Baekhyun!" I cried pathetically.

I sounded so desperate that he laughed at me. His fingers work hard to fuck me in the bottom, and he licks the hole like he wants to invade me. Fuck, his mouth is wonderful. That feeling sticks with me because I remember again how we used to fuck so good in our first year together.

His mouth is on my ass again, fucking me with his tongue, kissing my butt cheeks, and wanking my cock with the other hand. I know I'm about to fall down any minute. No one can take so much pleasure at once.

But he ain't done.

Baekhyun holds my body again, and he is now pushing me to the ground with him. I'm sitting on his face, and both of his hands are grabbing my ass very tightly. Fuck, I can even feel his nails craving my skin. He's biting harder, making me scream. I'm so hard right now that I don't care about the pain. I just really want him to fuck me. To fuck me as we've never done before.

I don't even need to ask, because my body bends automatically on the floor, and all I see is his lap. He takes my legs in his hands, and he puts me on my knees. My head beats fast because I know what this is about.

Baekhyun takes off his shirt and the rest of his clothes, too. He's holding my ass again, squeezing and slapping to play with me. He laughed when I moaned.

"You're such a handsome man." He breathes, bending his body over mine, "The most beautiful creature in this entire world."

His words are filled with passion. He's passionate about all of me. This I'm certain. The way his hand runs over my body is how I know how much he admires me. His lips sucked my neck again, and he let his dick fill me inch by inch. I'm on my knees, both my hands on the floor, and he's on top of me, fucking me slowly on the floor.

I feel his grip on my ass, but I don't even think about it. As I feel the pleasure coursing through my body, I let his dick slide into me, following his moves together. Fuck, I want to scream. I'm biting my lip so hard, it almost hurts my skin. His hip thrusts are rhythmic, and he doesn't stop for a second to push my body closer. Every time he moves, he does it with strength. I stand still using my arms to hold myself on the floor while his hands squeeze my skin.

I moaned so loud, I just know he gets even more turned on by me.

"Fuck!" He screamed.

Baekhyun bends over and puts two of his fingers inside my mouth. My mouth is full since he is now fucking me with his fingers and dick. He's holding my body in one hand and fucking me with the other. Every hip thrust pulls me closer to him.

"Suck it." He says, "Suck hard for me."

So I obeyed him. I suck his fingers in front of the mirror. He enjoys seeing us that way, so desperate for each other. Baekhyun smiles, moving his hips with me as we both enjoy the view. That’s exciting, seeing him behind me like that. His dick is pushing me, filling me with nothing but him. His presence fills the whole room, and my head feels dizzy like I'm drunk in love. The pressure he puts on me feels pleasant. It fills me with a feeling of thrill.

I feel his fingers grabbing at my skin as he slides hard into me. I have never been fucked so hard before. His dick bumps my ass repeatedly, giving me pleasure from the pressure he invests in my sensitive spot.

"Baekhyun!" I moan louder.

But he doesn't stop. He's so invested in making me feel him that his hands cover my mouth completely. I moan desperately, seeing myself enslaved to him. My arms are tired from holding my body, but I'm so sensitive that I don't even care. I just want to come.

He then pushes me to the floor and moves his hands to my cock. My face is glued to the carpet, and my ass is so high for him that he digs deeper into me. He fucks me even harder than before, putting pressure on my cock and wanking me at the same time.

I cried this time. He doesn't stop. He slaps my butt cheeks hard, and I can feel my skin burn.

"Fuck!" I moaned.

He had never slapped me before. It's the first time I've ever been slapped in sex, and fuck, he sees in the mirror how much I like that.

"Yes. You're mine. You're all mine. No one can eat your ass so good. It's me. Remember that." He says, while moving his hips inside me, "This ass is mine, too. Your body, heart, and soul, they're all mine."

Baekhyun slaps me again.

"Baekhyun!" I begged for him.

He smiles at me in the mirror. His body is above me, holding me down just to give me more pleasure. It's everything. My head is dizzy, but I still can feel his cock sliding inside of me, a bit slower, but still consistent. He slaps me again, making me moan.

"It's beautifully rosé right now. Fuck, I could do this every day. You're so beautiful." He breathes.

Baekhyun notices my body trembling, and he takes me again in his hands. He puts me on his lap, and we're now staring at each other in the mirror. He stops moving his body, but we're still connected. His hands hold my neck, and my body covers him as he hugs me. He holds my gaze in the mirror.

"Look at you, dear. Look at how gorgeous you are. There's no one in this world who could compare to you. Not a single creature made by God, not in the sky, not in the sea, not in any of these lands. You're the most incredible thing that ever breathed in this world."

He kisses my neck, sucking as he moves his hands all over my body. I'm so hot I can't even say anything. I just cried for him, because I was needy. I need him to soothe me, and I know that's what he's waiting for.

"Please, fuck me. Please. Please, please, please, Baekhyun, please."

He smiles. His smile is so wide, it's like he's the happiest man on earth. He moves his cock, and we're fucking again. His hand controls my butt, so I don't need to do anything besides feel pleasure. Baekhyun lies down on the floor, so it makes it easier for me to ride his cock. I moan so loud it's like he's seeing me breaking apart.

I ride him. I ride his dick dancing in his lap, feeling his hands following my moves. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel a bit powerful. I'm a mess, but I'm leading now. I control his pleasure, too.

Baekhyun slaps my butt cheeks again, but this time, he doesn't stop. He keeps hitting me and making me ride him faster. I'm almost jumping on his cock, breathing every time I feel him filling me. He slaps me three or four times before he comes. His hands grab my ass tightly while I'm still searching for my pleasure.

I keep fucking him and staring in the mirror. My dick is still sensitive, so I touch myself to see if I can move faster. And, fuck, the sensation is amazing. My own touch is so pleasant that I moan loudly when I feel it. Up and down, every time I slide, I feel closer to liberation. Baekhyun then slapped me repeatedly, showing no mercy. And because there's a lot of stimuli, I let my body finally go.

"Ah!" I shouted so loudly that I felt embarrassed.

Fuck, he messed me up completely. I finally lay above him, his hands covering my chest. Our hands are tight and he laughed a bit as he gently kissed the back of my neck.

"I could never have imagined… you would enjoy being a pervert." He breathes.

That comment made me laugh.

"You're the only person… who could bring out the dark side in me."

My breathing is shallow, but I know he heard what I said. Baekhyun sniffed me, hugging my body with his.

"I'm happy to hear that. I married you for all your sides."

"A kaleidoscope of colors," I say, remembering his wedding vows.

I feel his smile against my skin.

"All of them. I love you, Do Kyungsoo."

"I love you more." I breathe again, feeling his panting breath too.

We're basically in the same state of mind after this. I'm happy that he's happy, but I'm also afraid that there'll be a time when he's gonna start to doubt me again. Because of that, I'm sticking with the plan to look for help. So even when we sleep together that night, my dreams are all about him being just like he was in college. Hope is all over me again, and I beg the universe to give me one more chance with him.

One that I wouldn't regret asking.

 ︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

The next morning, Sehun and I grabbed lunch right after our morning meeting. With classes occupying most of the afternoon, I made sure to have a good meal. Sehun sat across from me, engrossed in texting someone while we waited for our food at the popular restaurant near campus. It was a place that used to serve one of my favorite dishes, which I had ordered that day.

This was the first time we were here together, and I should have been feeling great about it. However, all I could think about was Baekhyun. Even though I knew he was far away, I still had this sense that he was somehow with me. It had been like this ever since I first saw him years ago.

"You know, this play is going to be amazing! I'm so excited to start working on the music tracks. You have no idea!" Sehun exclaimed, finally setting his phone down on the table.

I smiled at him. He had such a sweet and enthusiastic spirit when it came to his creations. It was no surprise that he was chosen to write the music tracks for the play, considering he was one of the top students at Sonnenschein.

"I love all your music, Sehun. I went to see 'Redemption of the Heart' last semester with Baekhyun, and it truly touched my soul."

Sehun's smile widened naturally. "Really? You guys came? I can't believe it!"

I laughed, captivated by his infectious enthusiasm. "Yes, we came. I had to convince Baekhyun because he wasn't very... well, he has some issues. But I managed to persuade him, and it turned out to be one of the most magical nights of my life. Thank you so much."

Sehun nodded, still smiling at me. I could tell how happy he was to receive such praise. After all, as artists, we thrive on the applause from the audience.

"But... Baekhyun didn't pursue music composition, did he? I haven't heard anything about him since he left Sonnenschein."

That was a sensitive topic, but I had brought it up in the first place. Baekhyun gave up on music after the incident ten years ago, and he pushed himself to become a painter and take care of our home. I respected his choices because I knew he did it all for us, but I also felt sorry for him that he couldn't perform anymore. It brought back memories of a dark past.

"Well, um, he's a painter now," I explained.

"Really?" Sehun's voice was filled with disbelief. "Oh my God, I never would have imagined. It's quite a sudden twist of careers. I mean, did he even like painting?"

I smile at him, feeling a bit unsure of what to say. My gaze wanders around the room, searching for the waiter to come to our rescue. Just then, I catch a glimpse of a man wearing a black cap and jacket at a table four away from ours. I blink twice, trying to see him again, but he disappears.

"What the heck?" I mutter.

"Excuse me?" Sehun looks at me, puzzled by my comment.

I turn back to Sehun, my heart racing so fast that my hands tingle. A chill runs down my spine, and I can sense another panic attack approaching. The memories flood back, darkening my thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't have come back to this place. Maybe I should leave. I need to get out of here.

"I'm sorry, Sehun. What were we talking about?" I manage to say, my voice trembling noticeably.

He stares at me, clearly confused by my sudden change in mood.

"Well, we were discussing your husband, remember?"

Damn it. This can't be happening. My gaze refocuses on the man in black, and I catch a glimpse of him lowering his head as he walks towards the main door. Is he leaving? I instantly stand up. He's not getting away. It's him—I'm certain of it. That man who used to wander the halls of Sonnenschein. My heart tightens in my chest as the realization sinks in. It feels like I'm going to collapse.

"Kyungsoo! Are you okay?"

I shake my head.

I need to breathe, I need to breathe, I need to breathe.

Sehun comes over and sits beside me. He signals for a waiter, and the next moments become a blur of people trying to assist me in my distress. I don't feel okay as they escort me to a hospital room. Sehun stays by my side, and they hook me up to an IV drip. It's not something I think I need, but you can't really argue with a nurse.

They inform me of what I already know too well: an anxiety attack, dehydration from hunger, and shock. I'm confined to the bed for at least three hours, unable to move. Sehun takes it upon himself to inform everyone about the incident, except for my husband.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call him?" Sehun asks, hiding his suspicious gaze from me.

I force a smile, trying to sound pleasant.

"No need. I don't want to bother him with something so trivial," I lie to his face.

That's not the real reason why I don't want Sehun to call Baekhyun. The truth is, I need to find out if he's at home right now. I want to confront him because something doesn't feel right.

The truth is, I feel like I'm hallucinating once again.

When I arrive home after receiving treatment on campus, there's no one there. Sehun drops me off at the door, and he's incredibly caring and sweet for showing so much concern. But then again, he's always been that way.

"Do you want me to come in? I can stay and help you until Baekhyun..." Sehun offers.

"Please, just go, Sehun," I plead, feeling a sense of desperation.

He looks at me, clearly uncomfortable. I know I'm messing everything up, but he really needs to leave right now. Otherwise, I won't be able to search for what I'm looking for.

"Okay. But if you need anything, anything at all, please promise me you'll call. Promise?" Sehun asks, his voice filled with concern.

I smile at him, nodding like a child.

"Goodbye, Sehunnie."

Finally, he smiles sweetly at me and waves. As soon as he's gone, I race up the stairs, searching for Baekhyun. I know he's here somewhere. But no matter how hard I search every nook and cranny of our house, I can't find him. There's no evidence that he's been here the entire morning. It's as if everything is exactly the same as when I left earlier.

It's weird. This twisted situation scares me.

I make my way upstairs and contemplate the idea of breaking into his studio. Baekhyun has never allowed anyone to enter that room, and throughout our entire married life, I've never suspected him because of it. He's always been a great husband, an amazing lover, and my best friend, so trust has always been the foundation of our relationship. However, all this stalking madness is driving me insane. I just feel this overwhelming need to learn more about him. I want to know what the hell he does every day while I'm out teaching.

So, I do it.

I break into his studio for the first time since we moved in, using one of the spare keys from our keychain. The studio is located on the second floor, the last room with a large window. However, strangely enough, as soon as I open the door, all I see is darkness.

The small studio carries the scent of mint cigarettes and a closed room. Baekhyun has never smoked in his entire life, so why do I smell this? It feels like the room hasn't been opened in days, maybe even a week. This is odd, considering Baekhyun paints every single day while I'm at work.

"What the fuck?" I mutter to myself, completely bewildered.

There's a mess of paintings all over the floor, sketches made of pencils, dry paints and a lot of dirty brushes laying on the easel. I look around for a light switch and suddenly the room is shown. Pictures of me cover the walls and floors of the room like a whole exhibitionist freaky collection. It's paintings of my lips, eyes, my naked body, chest, cock, ass, and every part of my naked body. In some of them, I'm a submissive tightened up in ropes like prey. In others, I'm very obscene. 

There are paintings of me getting aggressively fucked, in some of them, I'm sucking a dick. In some of the paintings, my body is exposed like I'm in medieval torture. My legs and arms are spread like an 'X', and my mouth is covered with a ball gag. There's another picture of me tightening up with cilices covering my neck, arms, thighs and chest, fillets of blood dripping from the tiny wounds. I'm staring directly at myself in that painting, almost as I'm asking for help with my eyes.  That picture alone creeps me out, why the hell would he paint me like that?

As I entered the room, there was more: one that made my body pink and covered in bruises, which made me remember about last night. The way he enjoys beating me, hurting me in sex, of course, I have always thought it was all a fetish for him. He uses my body for his own pleasure and it has always been like this. But it doesn't make me any less nauseous to discover that he sees me like that, like a sex toy.

I search the room, trying not to stare at those fucking paintings. I counted at least 200 of them, appearing to be painted through the years we've been together. But everywhere I look, I end up finding more sketches of me — especially on the floor. A lot of them are just my ass, either being ripped by his hands, fingered, fisted, fucked, either being opened or painted alone in close-up. You can clearly see the obsession, it's right there, and there isn't a single corner of the room untouched by my naked body in the most twisted ways imaginable.

"Oh god…" I cry, feeling anxiety taking over my heart.

All of those paintings of me being objectified made me feel like I'm less human. It's the eyes of a man I thought loved me. It's the eyes of a lustful sick bastard, using me as his pervert dreams, not his muse. My heart is shattered into a million pieces when I go down on the floor.

I try to catch my breath, but sickness washes over me. Through all the years we are together, Baekhyun never treated me less than a god. He had always been so sweet, so kind to me. It's almost like I forgot he has his problems too, but never in my life I would imagine that something like this would be coming from him.

As I struggle to stand up, my eyes are drawn to the unfinished painting displayed on the easel before me. This particular one captures my attention because it's incomplete. My face is flushed, mouth agape as if in the midst of a beating. I wear a leather collar, and my chest is marked with bruises scattered across the skin. I can't even begin to imagine what the rest of the painting would depict, as I'm desperately trying to hold back the urge to vomit.

My eyes sting from withholding tears. I feel utterly exposed in the most degrading way, as if my body means nothing to him. It's the complete opposite of the romantic lover I envisioned. The thought that this is how he sees me during our intimate moments sickens me.

I leave the room and lock the door behind me. My initial instinct is to leave the house and never return. Frantically, I rush to our bedroom, searching for clothes stored in the drawer. Tears continue to stream down my face, my anxiety heightening from the shock. That's when I hear the sound of the front door opening.

My blood pressure shifts, and my heart races faster. I struggle to catch my breath as paranoia overtakes me once again, reminiscent of ten years ago. The image of the man in black attire keeps haunting my memories like a recurring nightmare. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately trying to block out any recollection from that day, but it's futile. When I open my eyes again, the entire room appears drenched in a pool of blood.

There's blood on my hands, knees, and trails of it leading to the door. I hear Baekhyun's footsteps on the stairs, accompanied by his murmuring of the Swan Lake song. I fight the urge to scream, frightened by the unknown version of his demeanor I will encounter tonight.

The humming stops along with the sound of his steps. It takes five seconds for him to speak again:

"Kyungsoo?" He asks, his voice is the sweetest I ever heard.

I blink again, and everything is gone. No blood, no man, no cold floor. Everything remains the same, and I'm still on my knees in front of our drawer. The clothes are scattered on the floor beside me, and the urge to vomit resurfaces. I hear him approaching, concerned, as he kneels down in front of me.

"Honey, are you okay?" he asks, his scent carrying a hint of cinnamon.

That calms me down. It's him, right? My husband. His hands reach out to hold me, attempting to warm me with an embrace. He notices my state of shock, and his eyes mirror surprise as he inquires, "Kyungsoo, what happened?"

The sound of his voice instantly melts me. His caring, sweet tone, genuinely concerned about my well-being. That's the man I love. But why is this same man also a sick, perverted bastard? I'm not sure I can handle all the facets of his personality anymore.

"I had a rough day," I lie through my teeth.

Baekhyun looks at me differently, in a manner I'm unaccustomed to. His gaze appears lifeless, yet his grip on me remains firm. Gradually, his expression shifts into one of caution.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk?" he offers.

There's something about his voice. I'm not entirely convinced he means what he's saying; it sounds cold. I try my best not to reveal my fear of him, so I force a smile and give him a kiss. However, he doesn't respond to the kiss the way he used to.

Damn it.

He knows. He knows something is terribly wrong with me and that I'm lying to him. I do my best not to seem paranoid and let out a chuckle. Baekhyun looks at me again, as if he's trying to decipher my innermost thoughts.

"No need. I'm just glad you're here, that's all," I say, maintaining my smile.

He continues to gaze at me, analyzing my face. I smile at him again, hoping I don't appear too strange in his eyes. Baekhyun then holds me, pulling me closer. My heart races so fast that I silently pray for it to go unnoticed. I don't want to explain myself right now; I just want to...

"Kyungsoo... why are these bags and clothes on the floor?"

Shit. No, shit. How does he have such a keen perception? I completely forgot about the bags. I was preparing to leave and never return, but now he's here. And now that he's here, I'm becoming confused once more. Could those paintings really be from the same man standing before me? It can't be. How is it that he looks at me with such affectionate eyes, yet portrays me as if I'm not even a person? My heart is shattered, but I can't let him see that.

"What?" I ask him, laughing nervously.

Baekhyun looks down at the floor and then back at me. He appears confused, or even worse, suspicious of me. Fear grips me, causing my blinking to become rapid. My hands tremble, and I can feel another panic attack coming on. The urge to vomit rises within me, but I remind myself to pinch my leg hard to prevent any impulsive actions.

"Are you... planning to travel?"

Damn it. Think, Do Kyungsoo, think! Don't let him deceive you. Say something, anything.

"I... was?"

I respond uncertainly because I'm not sure if he'll believe any lie I'm about to tell him. The truth is, I don't even know what to say. Baekhyun stares at me so intensely that it frightens me. I want him to leave right now, but I can't find the words to express it. His eyes carry a lifelessness that scares me. It brings back memories of that dreadful day, and I don't want to revisit that trauma. It's in the past; we're here, and we're both better people now.

"What, all of a sudden? Did something happen at work?"

I can see that he doesn't believe a word I'm saying. Baekhyun looks slightly angry, as if he resents me taking him for granted. But he won't confront me about it, no. I know all too well that he's willing to pretend that everything is fine because that's how he behaves. It's cowardly of me to back away, but my mind is still clouded. Fear and disgust control my every move.

"I was just thinking about it and got excited. It's not a big deal."

Baekhyun's expression remains blank. He doesn't react to my words, instead moving towards the scattered clothes and bags on the floor.

"Right," he points out, "Then why are all the clothes scattered on the floor?"

Anxiety pounds in my chest, threatening to overwhelm me. I can't say anything because I'm afraid of his possible reaction. His face lacks emotion, making it difficult for me to read him. My mind keeps replaying images of those damn paintings depicting my body, and all the moments of love we've shared. I know him with all my heart, but his actions seem deceitful. I desperately try to find the right words that won't arouse any doubt in him.

"Ah... um..." I stutter, completely failing to form a coherent response.

He continues to stare at me, taking a step closer.

"Were you... planning without me?"

"What?" I snap, laughing nervously in my anxious state as he approaches, "No... it's for... um, my birthday! Yeah, it's coming up, you know?"

His eyes suddenly soften, as if he's a completely different person standing before me. Baekhyun takes a step back, his body relaxing. It's as if he was just as nervous as I was.

"Of course I know that, baby. And we have a lot to prepare for it, right?" he smiles, bending down to pick up the clothes.

I laugh and take a step back. Maybe everyone was right, he does have a bit of an obsession. His delicate fingers elegantly touch the fabric, a beautiful sight to behold. I always thought he resembled a prince from fairy tales, someone hard to resist. But now I'm starting to question that perception. Baekhyun is far from being a prince; he's the most cunning hunter in the neighborhood.

"Is that why you're so afraid of me?" he casually asks, as if discussing the weather.

That catches me off guard. What am I supposed to say? He's noticed. He stands before me again, clothes hanging in his arms.

"What do you mean by that?" I demand, my voice a little too loud.

My anxiety rises once more, and it's clearly evident. He lets the clothes fall onto the bed, organizing them into neat piles. He remains silent as he does so, and all I can hear is the pounding of my own heart.

"You tell me, baby. What are you running away from?" he finally says, placing the last piece of clothing atop the others.

His eyes fixate on me with an unsettling gaze, as if peering deep into my soul, aware of the changes within me. He takes one step after another, and with each step, I find myself wanting to retreat. My heart feels like it's about to give out, beating so fast that my blood pressure struggles. When I speak again, my voice sounds weak.

"I told you I was packing for my birthday."

"I'm not talking about the bags. Are you afraid of how I'll react if there's a change of plans? I haven't even told you what I was planning for your birthday yet."

My mouth feels dry, and I don't know how to respond. It makes me nervous to see how far he's willing to go to make me confess. He's pressuring me, and it's working. I end up stuttering my words.

"I guess... it's just... stress."

Baekhyun doesn't even blink. His voice sounds eerily detached as he asks again, "Are you nervous about the play?"

Anxiety makes me clench my arm.

"Uh..."

"You're a genius, Kyungsoo," he says, a hint of dryness in his tone, "Everything will be fine."

It's clear he's not trying to comfort me. No, he's not attempting to make me feel better at all. His words are like a web, ready to ensnare me again.

"I worry a lot about you, Kyungsoo. Sometimes you create thoughts in your mind that are difficult for you to let go of. You know what I mean, right?" he says in a soft voice, akin to how you speak to a pitiable child.

Tears well up in my eyes. I can't believe he's saying this to me; it's heartless. He's referring to the incident and how no one believed me back then. It hurts so much because that's the main reason I practically gave up on my professional dancing career—I experienced too many panic attacks on stage.

"No, baby, please don't cry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for bringing that up," he says, quickly approaching me and pulling me into his chest, holding me tightly as he tries to comfort me. "But try to understand, honey. I'm here for you, always. But you need to wholeheartedly believe in me for our love to thrive. I don't want your precious mind stressing about anything else, okay? Just trust me instead."

I don't feel comfortable in his embrace. In fact, it feels as if my mind is tangled in conflicting emotions. I let him hold me because I don't know what else to do. I let him hold me because it's the only thing that feels familiar, even after being together for the past ten years. I let him hold me because what else can I do?

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

It took me three days to gather myself again. I started spending more and more time at the university because I yearned to dance. Being a professor had its own demands, and it prevented me from fully immersing myself in campus life as I did when I was a student. However, I couldn't help but miss the adrenaline of being on stage. Despite the pain it brought me, the thought of being back in the spotlight, hearing the cheers of the audience, and feeling the music guide my every step, ignited a deep longing within me. I wanted to bask in the glow of the spotlight, radiating in a myriad of colors. I wanted to feel the heat on my skin, the ache in my bones, and the weightlessness in my muscles with each note of music specially crafted for me. I wanted to become music once again.

But I failed.

It was an ordinary afternoon when I took the first step. Standing in the same practice room, on the same floor where I stood ten years ago, I gazed at myself in the mirror. My heart raced with the same beats of my youth. The chill of the floor beneath me seeped into my skin, as if the room was reclaiming its hold on my very being. It was no longer just a room; it had become a specter of a memory. The room, with its familiar lighting and the scent of the same product on the hardwood floor, greeted me like a slap to the face.

But as soon as the music began, everything changed. I moved my body, facing the ceiling. The melodies lifted my limbs, as if they were weightless, nothing more than extensions of the music itself. The only relationship I could truly surrender myself to was with music. It demanded everything from me in order to give my best performance, but I didn't hesitate. I wanted the audience to see me as an embodiment of the sound, like a hummingbird, gracefully floating in the air, spreading my wings to take flight.

The room was empty, yet not empty enough for me to forget what those walls had concealed. With each pirouette, I fixated on the mirror, afraid of what might appear if I blinked. I was haunted by the image of the man dressed in black. My heart pounded so rapidly that I struggled to catch my breath. Spinning relentlessly in the same spot, I fought to maintain my balance and keep the room from engulfing me. The music seemed to grow louder in my ears, and when I finally stopped spinning, my feet betrayed me, leading to a devastating fall onto the floor, accompanied by a scream.

Once again, I lay on the floor. My entire body tensed, and all I could do was cry. I would never be perfect again; I was utterly shattered. Baekhyun was right, and the realization that he was right about me pained me deeply. I could never be the shining star I aspired to be, never bright enough to be noticed.

It felt as though I had lost all color, reduced to monochrome.

On that day, I didn't feel capable of teaching. How could I be a professor when I had just failed on stage? Doubt seeped into my mind, even concerning my role in the upcoming play. I feared that I might ruin everything. If I were responsible for choreographing the entire production, it could put the entire group at risk. I no longer wanted to be associated with failure.

I left the room immediately after taking off my pointe shoes. Some students looked at me as if I were a ghost. Their judgmental eyes followed me as I hurried down the stairs, still dressed in my black leotard, perspiring. I felt haunted again, as if wolves were chasing their prey. All those eyes were on me, shining like red alerts as I tried to descend the stairs without making eye contact with anyone. The wind cut through my face, and I shivered as my skin felt frozen from the speed of my legs.

As I reached the main hall, the memories started to haunt me once more. I heard someone yelling, screaming in despair. My heart raced in my chest, and my vision blurred. Anxiety enveloped me, and my throat felt constricted. Being back in that place seemed suffocating, as if I were drowning in fear.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my elbow, and I nearly screamed. It was Sehun, looking very concerned.

"Please, follow me, professor," he said calmly.

Though I knew everyone was watching us, he managed to lead us away from the public eye. Breathing heavily, I followed as he practically guided me outside. Sonnenschein had a small campus with limited classes. In front of the building's entrance, there was an empty street, and in the distance, I could see the bridge. Sehun led me to the back, where teachers typically parked their cars. He took me to his car, and we closed ourselves inside.

When he faced me, he looked just as pale as I felt.

"Everyone heard you back there, Doh. It scared the hell out of me."

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. His tone made me cry even harder, and he hugged me, just like when we were juniors worried about upcoming tests. He was broader than Baekhyun and less possessive.

"Kyungsoo, what's going on?" He asked softly, holding my head like I was a child.

I struggled to catch my breath amidst my crying. It took me almost ten minutes to regain my composure, and Sehun held me through the whole thing, knowing I needed my own time.

Finally, when I found my breath again, I pulled away from him. His eyes were kind but worried. He understood that something terrible had happened in that room, and he knew I wasn't ready to go back to Sonnenschein again. Not when those haunting memories kept resurfacing.

"You can talk now?" He asked cautiously.

"I... I don't know. I don't think I can be here. There is something... wrong with me. I don't feel good about this place," I stuttered, looking at him, fully aware of the mess I was in at that moment.

"What is it?" Sehun demanded.

"Every time, everywhere, all I can see is him," I whispered, recalling the image in the mirror, the restaurant, and all those times I felt that man following me around the campus. It just didn't seem to stop. It felt like he was observing me, controlling me from afar. I couldn't escape.

"Who?"

Sehun believed me. He was concerned as he saw my body trembling with fear. I felt sick, my stomach ready to burst, and my tears blurred my vision. However, I needed to be honest with him. I wanted him to know.

"The man. He... he haunts me."

Sehun continued staring at me, fear evident in his eyes because he knew the story. Everything that surrounded me seemed to lead to tragedy.

"Did you try to call the police?" He whispered, his voice trembling a little.

I shook my head. "I can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not sure if he isn't me."

He breathed rapidly out of anxiety. Sehun frowned, shaking his head, unable to grasp what I was saying.

"What are you saying? It can't be you."

I stared at him, my voice barely audible as I begged, "Sehun... please don't tell anyone."

"What?" He was startled.

"That incident... ten years ago. Do you remember?"

His eyes widened a bit. He didn't seem to want to talk about it, understanding the trauma it carried. Everyone who studied with us at that time knew about the incident, as it happened on the day of the play. The problem was that some knew too little, while others, like me, were right in the middle of the fire.

"The day of the play..." Sehun started, trying to recall.

"I was there," I whispered to him.

He stares at me cautiously. I expected him to leave, but he doesn't. He just keeps staring. The darkness in his eyes suggests that he knows something, or at least suspects it. I want to be real with him because I know he would understand. I trust him; he's a dear friend, and we've been through so much together already. As he starts to explain, my suspicion is confirmed.

"But they said it was an accident," he says, convinced that I'm too good to have done what the rumors claimed back then. Baekhyun warned me that no one would believe a thing unless I placed the blame on someone. I was there, and they found me with the body.

"They lied. No one knows what really happened, but I saw it. I was there, and I saw it. And I lied to everyone because I was terrified of the consequences. But now… I don't even know if that was real or not."

"What do you mean by that? You just said you saw it!" Sehun responds with a silent scream.

I can see how nervous he is, but I can't carry this lie any longer. I need someone else to know what happened.

"But what I saw can't be the reality. If it is, then I'm locked with a monster," I whisper, and his eyes widen even more.

"Kyungsoo…"

"Please, take me home. I don't think we should talk about this in public anymore."

Sehun keeps staring at me, seemingly paralyzed. We're in his car, and he's the one with the keys. He doesn't turn on the engine; instead, he seems reluctant to go. I don't know what else to say to get him to start the car.

"Do you have any proof?" he asks, his mind seemingly spinning with chaotic ideas.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you have any proof that this man is real? Is it possible that you could be caught in a lie?"

He doesn't seem to believe me either, and it hurts my heart. It hurts even more because I can't blame him.

I do have diaries from my freshman year at Sonnenschein, but I don't think they would incriminate me. In fact, those diaries would only be proof against anyone but me since I was so confused during that time. Every page is filled with anxiety and the pain I felt while trying to become a ballet star in my twenties.

But I can't tell him about them. In fact, Sehun reminds me of something very important at that moment—it's time for me to destroy every single one of those diaries.

 ︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Two weeks before my official birthday, Baekhyun and I were sitting on the floor of our living room. We were carefully selecting balloon colors, food categories, and, of course, alcohol—lots of alcohol. Baekhyun usually kept my drinking habits in check, being mindful of what to buy and keep in the house, but this time I really needed a drink. We had already discussed not having alcohol at the party, but I was ready to argue again.

"It's just that... you don’t turn 30 every day. It’s a big deal for me, Baekhyun. I want to throw a big party, you know?" I said, trying to convince him.

Being a 30-year-old man wasn't making me feel sexy at all, and I had come to this realization in the most unpleasant way possible. But Baekhyun smiled affectionately at me, his eyes shining with joy as he heard me trying to persuade him.

"I don't actually. At my 30th birthday party, you took me on a two-day honeymoon," he said.

"B-but that's because..."

Baekhyun silenced me with his pointing finger. He did this when he wanted to play around, but this time it seemed more serious.

"I love it. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying we're different. You like people, I despise everyone but you, dear."

Hearing that made me laugh as I lay on the carpet, gazing at him. Baekhyun was very handsome, even though he always seemed untouchable, like a celestial being not meant to be touched. His focus returned to the food categories as he concentrated.

"You would rather have a private party then? Just the two of us," I suggested.

Baekhyun looked at me. "No. I want you to feel amazing. If you want everyone in town at your party, I’ll make it happen. It's not a big deal for me to gift you the world."

I smiled again at his words, falling for him once more. The past few weeks had been good for us. Strangely, I had been feeling less anxious and paranoid every day, almost as if Baekhyun's meals had a soothing effect on me. He would treat me with lime juice every morning and a cup of tea at night. Since the painting incident, my mind hadn't wandered into dark places. I was calmer in his presence, able to sleep for hours, sometimes even in the middle of the day.

"I don't need the whole town, darling," I assured him, "I just want my closest friends. For instance, do you think Sehun would find it strange if he got an invitation?"

Baekhyun's expression went blank. He hated it when I brought up Sehun. It wasn't intentional, but it was a genuine question.

Since I had been working from home, I hadn't seen Sehun in a while. His refusal to let Baekhyun participate in our annual play had caused some friction between them. Baekhyun hated it when I talked about the play because it hurt him deeply to have been voted out of the project.

"Oh, Sehun?" he asked, his tone cautious.

"Baekhyun, we've discussed this before. He's a colleague, and we need to stay in contact. Besides, it would be too obvious if we invited everyone but him," I explained.

Baekhyun bit his cheeks, looking at me so intensely that it made me feel uneasy. He was on the verge of arguing again.

"Well, fuck him. He should have minded his own fucking business if he didn't want me to dislike him."

I sighed. Sometimes Baekhyun could be so complicated. Sitting on the floor, I tried to draw his attention to the problem he seemed blind to:

"I can't leave Sehun out if I'm inviting everyone else. I'm sorry, baby, but that's just how things are," I said calmly.

His hands were now clenched into fists, turning red from the pressure.

"You can't, or you don't want to? Because those are two very different things!" he yelled at me.

"Baekhyun..." I said, lowering my voice, "You know I'm not making this up."

He sighed, appearing stressed. He tore up the list we had made and got up to pace around the living room. I remained silent. This time, he couldn't win the argument.

"You know, I'm tired," Baekhyun said in a deadly tone, "That's it."

I sighed again, standing up. I wasn't sure if I should hug him or not. He wasn't facing me; in fact, he was looking at the piano, and I could only see his broad shoulders from where I stood.

Step by step, I approached him like a magnet. He could see me coming because of the reflection in the glass door that separated the living room from the yard. His face wasn't smiling. His body was tense, and I could see the disgust in his eyes. It was as if he were a fallen angel, ready to seek revenge.

I was afraid to touch him. Memories of fear haunted me, but I had to stay strong. Baekhyun had never hit me, but whenever he was angry, I couldn't shake the feeling that he might. And so, I stood right behind him without reaching out.

He noticed me. He understood why I hesitated—because I was scared. So he turned around to face me. His eyes were deadly serious as he stood in front of me, their gaze piercing like that of an eagle.

My heart was pounding in my chest as he made the first move. Once he was in my arms, his body relaxed instantly. He placed my head on his chest and held me tightly, almost crushing me.

"You belong to me, just like you promised to God. Remember that," he warned me.

His words sent shivers down my spine. I was incredibly nervous, but at the same time, my body felt a strange sense of calm around him, intoxicated by his love. Maybe that's what it was—being around him, being cared for by him, and having him take care of me—it all somehow sedated me with his love.

"I love you, honey. But we need to build a life here too. Having more friends would be good for us. He's just a guy, Baekhyun. He may not even come," I tried to reason with him.

His grip on me eased slightly, but he didn't let me go.

"Trust me, he will be here. But I'm not talking about this tonight," he said, giving me some space to face him, "I want you to be a good husband. Can you promise me that, sweetie?"

The way he mentioned being a good husband felt more like a threat than a request, and it made me anxious. I knew his jealousy was poisoning his mind again.

"Yes," I whispered.

Baekhyun nodded, forcefully tilting my chin up to meet his eyes. He looked furious, and I could see the anger burning in his red eyes. It made my stomach ache, and suddenly, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. I wanted to vomit, and my ears felt like they were about to burst from the pressure. I was getting dizzy, but there was no escape.

"Good boy," he murmured, "I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully."

My mouth was dry, and I couldn't find the words to respond. I just stared at him as his grip tightened, holding me in his grasp.

"If you really want to invite that motherfucker, go ahead. But remember, I'm the one who owns you completely. He'll never have you like this. If he dares to make a move, I'll cut his goddamn throat."

His words took me by surprise; he wasn't joking. He was deadly serious, issuing a warning that terrified me. I didn't know what to say.

"Baekhyun, please!" I pleaded, horrified by his tone.

"No!" he groaned, and before I could react, his lips finally captured mine.

He uses his tongue to suck my mouth and kiss me like he wants to devour me whole. Baekhyun licks me, kissing my face, chin, cheeks, neck, everything. He bites my neck as he pulls me closer to him.

"Don't fuck around, Do Kyungsoo," he whispers in my ear when he sucks the skin right down, "I'm with you all the time."

He holds my body again, like I'm a doll. His hands are all over me, and slowly, I'm starting to feel the pleasure grow. Of course, we fucked that night, too. And he makes me come in so many different ways that I almost forgot why we were fighting in the first place. We slept together until probably 4 am. I woke up feeling a little dizzy because of the wine we had in the living room. Well, it was our naughty tradition, but I do love drunk sex. And he knows damn well how to make everything seem flawless. But this time, it was quite strange. In that moment, I should have predicted our roller coaster was going to hell.

Every single day throughout all the years we were married, Baekhyun brought me a cup of water with Advil on my drunk nights. He knows that, besides liking to drink, I’m weak, and I always need medicine. So, when I wake up at 4 am and I don’t see him nor the cup of water beside the bed, something just clicks.

I search the room to see if he had left my water somewhere else, but he hasn't. There's nothing in the room. I go to the closet because I’m naked and need a shirt to go downstairs and look for him. After getting dressed, I leave the room and head to the kitchen, since that's the first place I think he might be. But the kitchen is empty, and there’s not even a single light on. My heart starts to beat a bit faster. It’s not very common for Baekhyun to not be around me, so there are only three more options that my sleepy brain can think of: the studio, the piano, and the bathroom.

Since the living room is closer to the kitchen, it’s the first place I go. I feel my feet sticking to the hardwood floor like it needs to be cleaned. The floor is also cold, but I don't care to put on a sock. I need to find him right now.

When I get to the main hall, I don’t see anyone in the living room. The piano is right there in the corner, untouched, and there is not a sign of a single soul around. I’m very awake now. Something is definitely not right. Baekhyun had never been missing like that before, so it worries me that I’m not able to find him anywhere.

“Baekhyun?” I call for him a little louder, “Baekhyun?!”

There is no answer. My heart beats so fast it gives me shivers. I start walking faster and call his name around the house, but he doesn't answer me. I go upstairs to see if he’s in the studio, but on the way to the attic, I check to see if he’s in the bathroom by any chance. But no, it’s also empty.

That can’t be. Did he run away? I can’t think straight because my mind is constantly making the most dreadful scenarios. I keep thinking about him running away from me and never coming back. I keep fearing he’s not willing to forgive me for putting my job first.

I run towards the studio as my last hope, but once again, as I finally open the door, he’s not there. The room is empty, and all I can see is pure darkness.

My knees tremble, and suddenly, I'm on the floor, crying. He's gone for real. I can't believe I just lost my husband like this. He tried to warn me for a long time, but I didn't listen. I feel guilty because I know he deserved better, and it makes me wish I could travel back in time to understand what I did wrong. Why did he leave me?

I couldn't bear to stay in that room any longer, so I ran and hurried into the bedroom. After putting on some clothes, I thought about heading to the city to look for him. It’s past five when I leave the bedroom with my car keys since his keys are missing. I’m wearing warm clothes, and I can't think straight because my head hurts a lot. But I need to find him. It was the scariest moment of my entire life because I'd never gone through something like this before.

So I go downstairs, and I stop the moment I hear the keys at the front door. When it opens, I see a 5.8' tall guy by the door, but I don't recognize him immediately. It's the way he freezes that makes me notice. My husband is right in front of me, looking absolutely unrecognizable.

“Where were you?” I ask, shocked at his appearance.

He’s wearing a black jacket and a black cap I’ve never seen before, and he looks sweaty like he’s been running for miles and miles. My whole body freezes because I just know they are his clothes. They're too familiar to me, haunting me for years now. I'm about to throw up. There's sun out there, and seeing him like this confuses the hell out of me. Why is he wearing those clothes?

“I needed to buy you Advil; we’re out of medicine,” he says as he passes the main door without kissing me. That was the first time he had ever done that since we got married. He didn't greet me or even touch my body. Baekhyun just passed through me like I didn't exist.

I couldn't say anything because of the shock. Still, he couldn't know what I was thinking. If he ever suspected me, I was afraid I could get hurt.

“Are you still mad at me?” I managed to ask, even though my voice is clearly trembling.

Baekhyun stops near the piano. He lowers his head and takes off his cap. His hair is wet as fuck. That caught my attention because I felt like he was lying to me. How could he appear like that and expect me to believe there's nothing going on? I've never seen him wearing those damn clothes. He doesn't face me when he says:

“We will talk tomorrow morning. I’m not in the mood right now, Kyungsoo.”

The cold tone of his voice made me nervous. I had never heard him talk like that before. It’s like he really doesn’t want to get near me, and that fucking hurts. My eyes burst into tears. I’m feeling like shit because I know I hurt him.

“I’m sorry, Baek. I didn’t want to fight with you like that.”

My heart is beating so fast, the memories are painful. Why is he wearing those clothes? Why? I want to yell at him and make him explain. He doesn't say anything, though. He follows the stairs without saying a word to me, and that’s how I know I fucked up. Baekhyun is fucking mad at me right now.

“Please, talk to me.” I sob, looking like a loser, probably.

I’m so scared that I feel my body gravitating to the ground, but I don’t settle. Still, Baekhyun doesn’t even flinch at my despair. He climbs the stairs and doesn’t turn back. I lost sight of him because my eyes were drowning in tears. I cried, seeing my heart break in two. I felt the pain of him running away from me for the first time and the fear of being right. I didn’t like it. My eyes are full of tears, and I end up a mess on the floor. I don't know if it's stress, fear, or something else, but I feel like I'm being twisted.

Somehow, I pass out from crying. It was around 6 am when I find myself alone in the middle of our living room. The cold floor makes me shiver, but the sun was warm enough to not let me be too cold. I look around, and there’s not a single piece of evidence of Baekhyun.

I sighed before I got the courage to get to the bed. When I finally made it, Baekhyun is not in our bedroom, but I can hear the shower noise. He's taking a long bath, per se. I crawl back to bed, and I end up closing my eyes while waiting for him. In the blink of an eye, his cold fingers touched my face. I guess I just fell asleep for a few minutes because my head hurts a lot.

I can see his face very clearly now. He smells good, but he still looks very distant. That warmth in his eyes is lost. I can't bear to look at him like this.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up. You need to sleep, Kyungsoo. Please, sleep."

"Where were you?" I whispered because I really wanted to know.

He doesn't say anything. His eyes are locked on mine, but I don't see him there. The man looking at me is far from distant. He's untouchable.

"Baekhyun, why did you leave all of a sudden?"

"Time for bed. We'll talk in the morning."

We kept staring at each other. I suddenly remembered what he said to me earlier, so I managed to ask him again:

“Where’s the Advil?”

He hesitates. His eyes run through my face, a bit anxious.

“What?”

“You said you intended to buy more Advil, but…”

He blinks. I can see his face changing, then he smiles at me in a weird manner.

“I’ll get it for you, babe. Just stay comfy, and I’ll be back,” Baekhyun whispers, kissing my lips before leaving the room.

I can feel the taste of menthol cigarettes in my mouth after he kissed me. The fact that I have never seen Baekhyun smoking makes everything even more awkward. It made me wonder if I was just dreaming or if this was really happening.

I’m feeling better knowing he doesn’t hate me, but the whole episode is just weird. In all the years we stayed together, we had a great relationship. Baekhyun never lied to me because he always hated having secrets between us. But I feel like things have changed suddenly, and I can't bear to deal with this confusion anymore.

Once Baekhyun is back, he hands me a cup of water and the medicine. He's not smiling at all, which makes me feel even more hurt. As he stares at me while he takes the medicine, he wears only a towel around his waist. Once again, I am mesmerized by his beauty. His lips are thin, and the expression on his face makes me want to talk. But he doesn't say anything.

When I'm finished, I taste a bitter flavor in my mouth. I don't know if it is because of Advil or if I'm hungover, but it's terrible. My face flinches, but I can't see Baekhyun anymore. Without saying a word to me, he took the cup from my hands and headed back to the closet. His attitude made me cry. I turn to my side of the bed, and even though I'm seeing the morning sun, I feel like I want to get up and leave.

A few minutes later, however, all I saw was pure darkness.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵ 

Someone kissed my cheek while laughing. My whole body hurts, so I purred like a cat. The kisses are coming now for my neck, cheeks, chin, eyes, and nose. When I feel a peck on my mouth again, I open my eyes.

Baekhyun smiles at me, holding my face in his hands like he always does.

“Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?”

I try to remember where we are because I feel like I lost consciousness last night. My head hurts so much, and there's this taste in my mouth that just makes me want to throw up.

“Uh, no. My head hurts,” I murmur, still not able to move.

Baekhyun sits on the bed next to me, his legs touching the floor. He looks at me with a fond look on his face, and I immediately feel better. He’s back to being who he really is. I miss that face so much.

“Well, last night was just amazing. Thank you so much for everything,” he says, caressing my hair with his fingers.

That almost made me cry. Did he forgive me that easily? Did he really forget about the incident?

“I thought… I thought you weren't talking to me. Did you… forgive me already?”

Baekhyun laughed as if I was joking.

“What? What are you talking about?”

That reaction confused me a second time. Does he really not remember, or is he just pretending? Either way, it’s a strange feeling. The way his face is so relaxed bothers me. How can he forget things like that?

“Didn’t you say you were mad at me last night?”

Baekhyun smiles the way you do for a child. He caresses my face, brushing his thumb over my lips with love. His actions are so sweet that I feel like I’m dreaming. I don’t know what reality is anymore. That scares me. I started doubting myself the minute he said:

“Oh, honey, you were having troubled dreams again, weren't you?”

It’s something about his voice. Although I don't know why his voice sounds odd, I feel like he's making fun of me. And that hurts me even more.

“I… no. I mean…” I stutter because I don’t know what to say.

He confuses me. I remember clearly: we had sex after fighting, he vanished in the middle of the night, then came back in the morning wearing those black clothes and covered in sweat. He acted strange, ignored me, and put me to bed with Advil. That was what really happened. I'm not crazy; that was way too real to be a dream.

“Baby, we had the most amazing sex last night. You were so drunk that you fell asleep on the floor. I carried you here in my own arms. What are you talking about?”

Fuck, he’s lying, isn't he? I can’t tell because my head fucking hurts. Fuck. My anger is directed at myself and alcohol. I shouldn't have drunk so much. Why do I always make the wrong choices?

“I saw you in a black cap and jacket coming through the door. You kissed me! And it tasted like cigarettes!” I accuse him.

I know that wasn't a dream. It couldn't be! I saw him coming through the door and his scary face. It felt too real to be just a dream. Dreams aren't that remarkable. We can barely remember details about our dreams, I'm sure of that. However, the way he laughed at me made me nauseated. I want to throw up because I felt so confused. Baekhyun pulls my face to him, kissing me while still laughing.

“Are you nuts, sweetie? That never happened. It’s ridiculous.”

“No, but…” I protest, but he shuts me down again with a kiss.

“That did not happen. You were dreaming again, weren’t you?”

His voice is so sweet, I can almost taste honey. My head is dizzy, and Baekhyun keeps looking at me with those eyes. A sigh comes out of my mouth, and I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t even know if this is reality. It feels like every second I'm living is just another version of an illusion I can’t describe. Baekhyun smiles at me, holding my knees with one of his hands. His thumb touches the spot, a familiar thing between us. However, I can only feel the cloth from this touch.

“Don’t worry, darling, I’m here for you. I’ll take care of you forever.”

I nod, even though I’m still very confused about what happened last night. He starts humming a melody that is very familiar to me. It took me six seconds to recognize the song he sang to me in our first Christmas play at Sonnenschein. That music has always calmed my heart because I instantly remembered the sound of his voice. And he is the music in me.

Baekhyun smiles again, humming the sound without saying a word. My body is relaxing, and I close my eyes again because I want to focus on his music. As soon as everything turns black, I feel his body close to me. He kisses me softly all over my body. Then he sucks my lower lip a bit and gives me a peck on the lips. Baekhyun sighs, hugging me tightly.

"I'll be with you all the time. I love you the most in this whole world, Kyungsoo. Do you…”

He hesitates while talking, but I manage to open my eyes and stare at him. Baekhyun looks sad. He looks like his heart is about to be smashed. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

"What?"

His hands touch me again. The thumb caresses my waist, and I can see he's suffering because his eyes can never lie. Suddenly, I am very worried.

"What, baby, what?"

"Do you love me?" He asks.

And I can just feel it's not a simple question. Then, he asks whether I trust him, if I see him as he sees me, if I accept him for who he is, if I admire each and every flaw he has, if I will never leave him behind, if I would still give my life to him, if I would ever give up on us. And at that very moment, I don't know what to answer. I don't know if I even trust myself anymore. Everything is so confusing, and I would like to tell him that. I want to say that I'm scared. I want him to tell me that I am not crazy because it still feels like I'm awake in somebody else's body.

But I can't.

I can't open my heart to him like that. It will kill him. Baekhyun is a person I don’t know anymore, and he can't bear me questioning his love for me. It doesn't even have to. I know he’s obsessed with me to the point I would never experience with someone else ever again. So I smile at him, trying very hard not to show my true heart. He doesn't flinch from his painful stare. I can see he's patiently waiting for me.

"When I married you, I had my doubts,” I whisper, even though all I want to do is scream, “Because I thought I was being impulsive to marry the first serious relationship I had in my life. But after spending those years by your side, Baekhyun, I have never felt more loved.”

He stares at me. His eyes are darkened with intensity. The enjoyable smile lies on his lips when he nods, asking me quietly to continue.

“All of your colors are so beautiful to me. To say that I love you would never be enough." I say what he wants to hear.

My hand reaches his face now, and I can see he's crying a bit. My thumb wipes away some tears from his eyes, and even though I’m confused, my heart hurts to see him crying like that. He kisses my hand and closes his eyes. I keep wiping some tears from his cheeks. It breaks me that his kaleidoscopic heart is not shining in colors anymore. It breaks me to know that I cannot take away the darkness from his once beautiful heart.

"I just wish I could make you see how beautifully you shine for me.” I continue, “You're my husband, my best friend, my lover, my muse, my music, my first thought every morning, and the last when I drift off to sleep. You're the most remarkable thing that ever happened to me. To say I love you would be too simple."

He stares at me painfully. Baekhyun wants to believe what I'm saying, but I can see there's something else behind those puppy eyes. He kisses me softly, crawling into bed with me while hugging my body tightly. His head is in my lap, and I caress his hair like a child.

I know love is something primitive. It is one of our most essential needs in life from the day we are born into this world to our final breath. The actions of love both move and inspire the weaker; they are the strength of an enduring mother, and they are also the way my hands touch his head. It is also known that love sometimes is meant to destroy.

I was on the reach of a breakable line, dancing with the devil on my tiptoes. But I was willing to do anything to mend Baekhyun's shattered heart until the end of our love. And even in our burned ashes, I wonder if I could ever find him again in the dust.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵ 

I was a freshman at Sonnenschein when the first nightmare occurred, almost 10 years ago. However, so many years later, it was another usual Thursday morning when everything started to happen again.

I had to teach classical ballet that morning, just a few days before my 30th birthday. I knew we had time to plan the play, so I took it easy on the students for the first few weeks. But as I drove to the Music department like every other day, there was something suspicious in the air.

There were police cars parked near my usual spot, which struck me as very weird. Sonnenschein had the world’s most strict system for student admissions, and they would never accept a student with a dark past or complications with the law. Unless, of course, you were exceptionally talented, like Baekhyun, in which case they could make an exception. However, I knew that wasn't the case this time. Seeing a police officer taking notes while talking to students that early in the morning was worrying. The situation brought back painful flashbacks of trauma.

People were crying, and others seemed very anxious. I just knew something had happened. It was obvious, and the obviousness of it only heightened my anxiety.

I rushed into the nearest bathroom I could find, trying to steady my breath as my steps quickened. I opened the door with my elbow, and my vision started to blur as I made it to the sink. I gripped the cold stone of the sink tightly, a familiar spot where I used to throw up in the past. My hands washed my face, and my tearful eyes stared back at me in the mirror. My brain already knew before I could fully acknowledge it. The memory felt like a tragedy, and once again, I felt like it was my fault.

"No, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again, not again…" I cried, desperately trying to hold on to hope.

But all I saw was blood. The more I washed my hands, the more the water turned red. I was desperate. This couldn't be real; it just couldn't. But the realization that I might be going crazy again only made me more nervous.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…" I whispered, feeling overwhelmed.

I closed my eyes, letting my feet guide me out of the bathroom. When I opened my eyes again, there was no one in the corridor. It felt strange. I followed the hall, my heart pounding in my chest, and prayed that things would go the right way.

The air moved in and out of my body. I gained strength and made my way to the class that I was already late for. But as soon as I reached the main hall, a police officer approached me. He seemed young and was oddly handsome for a law enforcement officer.

"Good morning, professor." His voice was tender, and I could hear his foreign accent clearly.

"Good morning," I murmured.

"Can I ask you a few questions? We need every bit of information possible for the investigation."

My heart clenched in my chest once again. I tried to count to 10 mentally, a technique I often used during crises.

"I'm sorry?" I stuttered.

The officer blinked, looking at me with a confused expression.

"Oh… I'm sorry, sir. My name is Zhang Yixing, and we are here today to investigate the disappearance of Professor Oh."

The moment I heard the name, it felt as if gravity couldn't hold me down to earth. I was still standing, but my soul was hurting. Somehow, I knew. And it hurt. It hurt that I couldn't do anything to protect him when he had always been so kind to me. It hurt that, somehow, we were all being haunted by the past again.

"Is it… is Sehun missing?" I asked, my voice trembling.

Zhang nodded. "It's been days. His neighbors reported that he went out for a run one early morning and never came back."

Sehun used to run in the park near Sonnenschein very early in the morning. It was something he had done since his freshman year because he lacked the discipline to keep his body in shape in the gym like the rest of us. I never thought that place could be dangerous for someone as tall and strong as him. But I guess there's no such thing as invincibility, not even when you appear perfect.

"I don't know much about his personal life, but we used to work together."

Zhang crossed his arms, studying me intently. "How long have you two known each other?"

"Um, we were college classmates. So, basically, since I first stepped foot here," I replied nervously.

"So you were here during the first incident, 10 years ago?"

My heart sank. He wasn't naive enough to miss the connections. Zhang was sharp, and he knew something was off. We locked eyes, and I could feel him scrutinizing every bit of information my body revealed. Police officers are like trained sniffer dogs; they can pick up on cues and behaviors others might miss. Zhang Yixing was too clever for my comfort, and I feared they might try to implicate me for something I didn't do.

"I... was," I admitted reluctantly.

"And you were friends with the victims, Professor Do?" He probed, his gaze unyielding.

I fought back tears, feeling anxiety coursing through my veins, causing my hands to tremble and my knees to wobble.

"What do you mean?" I stuttered, struggling to catch my breath.

"The victims of the Sonnenschein incident about 10 years ago. Do you remember?"

We continued to lock eyes. Zhang was unrelenting, testing if he could trust me to provide any information they needed. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I was too nervous, trying my best not to break down in tears.

"How can someone forget..." I whispered, raising my hands to my face, "I'm sorry. I'm very sorry; I don't know if I can help you right now."

"Please, professor, we need every bit of information possible. Were you two friends with the victims?" he insisted.

I nodded, tears streaming down my face. I felt like a pathetic mess, unable to stop the tears. In my heart, an ominous feeling of impending doom coursed through my veins. It was too strong to ignore, too real to dismiss. Something terrible had happened, and it wouldn't stop until they found the culprit.

Zhang jotted down some notes in his notepad and gave me a relieved look.

"This means we might be facing a pattern. But you, professor, you might be in danger."

I wanted to tell him he was wrong. That Baekhyun would give his life to protect me, and that my husband was all the protection I needed. But he was persistent, and he knew more than I did.

"Professor, do you live alone? Do you need protection? It's better if-"

"That's ridiculous," I interrupted, trying to keep my composure, "We don't know what happened to Sehun. How can you be so sure that he's dead?"

Zhang stared at me gravely. "I'm deeply sorry, that's not what I mean. It's against our will to lose hope, but... Professor Do, please, just consider my good intentions."

I wanted to scream at him that good intentions wouldn't bring anyone back. That I believed Jongdae when he warned me to leave and never come back, but I couldn't. It felt like a betrayal. Nothing could change the past, and the pain in my heart was a constant reminder of my wrong decisions.

"Thank you, officer. I will take good care of myself," I assured him, even though he doesn’t believe shit I’m saying.

Zhang sighs, taking a card out of his back pants pocket. He hands me one and says, "Anything, anytime, anywhere, call me. Even the slightest weird thing you might see or remember, call me. Even if it's very late at night, please, call me! I personally believe that you're in danger too, sir."

I'm speechless as I take the card. It's white and has both his personal and police office numbers. He continues to look at me, as if he wants to say something before he goes. But he doesn't, so I keep the card safe in my pocket.

"I'll be leaving now. Take care, Professor."

I nod, and he leaves. I don't go to class that day because they're all suspended for the week. Still, I don't leave college. I go straight to Sehun's office.

The professor's staffroom is usually placed on the library's fourth floor. Mine is an old room filled with everything I need to teach Dance, including training items. But Sehun's office is normally kept in a special room at the end of the corridor. So I go there, and the security surprises me. Of course, they are inspecting the room; they need clues, whatever they can find to link to his sudden disappearance.

I'm standing in the hall, seeing everyone taking his stuff to the corridor, and the image makes me cry. Suddenly, I can't bear to look at it anymore.

I ran away because I instantly remembered what we talked about before.

Do you have any proof?

The diaries.

My diaphragm tightens with anxiety again. My eyes struggle to focus, and I'm scared of passing out. I breathe the way I learned years ago when I was still mastering ballet. Using my breath to stabilize myself, I push air through my lungs and take deep breaths, lifting my diaphragm to find balance once again.

Even though my mind is in disarray, I manage to drive back to my house. The diaries were never meant to be hidden from Baekhyun, but I also didn't want anyone else to find out about them. They contain intimate details not just about our relationship, but also my deepest fears and concerns about dancing. My heart is inked across those pages as a reminder—or a threat—never to return to that vulnerable place.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to keep them hidden this time.

As I reach the main door, Baekhyun's car is absent once more. I begin to suspect he's never home when I'm out, and the realization that he lied to me about that too leaves me feeling deeply unsettled. We spent so many years side by side, building mutual trust, and now I've uncovered all his little lies. He's no charming prince, yet I never thought he could lie to me so effortlessly. It seems I've been deluding myself, desperate for the love he promised me.

Tears well up easily as I try to compose myself. I need the diaries; I need to destroy everything before that policeman investigates me again. If he starts finding answers, there won't be a way out. So I climb the stairs, struggling to remember exactly where I hid those diaries. The house is new, which makes it harder to recall.

As I reach my bedroom, I halt at the door. Suitcases are scattered all over the room, none of which I've ever seen before. My mind goes blank as I open them, and I'm met with clothes that don't belong to me or Baekhyun. But that's not the most terrifying part. What sends me into a scream of realization is the scent of perfume on the clothes, the same perfume Sehun wore when I hugged him weeks ago.

Horror grips me as I hold one of his shirts in my hand. It can't be true, can it? I can barely move, but my immediate instinct is to throw the shirt away, maybe even burn it. My fingers frantically sift through the clothes, and every piece is the size a man like Sehun would wear. All of them carry the same scent, leaving no room for doubt.

My knees shake violently, and I struggle to breathe. I can't stay in this room, but I can't leave the diaries here either. Trembling, I search the room like a maniac.

"Fuck!" I scream when I can't find them anywhere.

I need to leave. I need to leave. I need to leave. My mind can't focus on anything else. I don't need answers to questions—I somehow realize everything. But I can't find those damn diaries anywhere, and I start to believe Baekhyun got rid of them too.

"Fuck!" I yell, tears streaming down my face.

I leave the room without thinking straight, and my mind goes to his studio. If he hid my diaries anywhere, it would be there. But the door is locked.

"Motherfucker!!" I yell, trying to break in.

I throw myself against the door, and my arm hurts, but I don't care. I'm both mad and terrified. I despise him for what he did to Sehun. I hate that he probably lied to me throughout all these years we've been together. Even more, I hate that I didn't trust any of the warnings my friends gave me.

"Fuck!" I cry, using even more force.

My arm hurts terribly, but I don't stop. I'm breathing so fast that my thoughts are jumbled. The hammer in the kitchen comes to mind, and I rush to get it to help me break in. I slam the hammer downward repeatedly until the doorknob breaks away from the door. After ten more tries, I finally manage to enter.

The room smells of fresh paint again, and I switch on the lights. There they are—all those damn paintings facing me, taunting me. Anger surges through me, and I grab the hammer once more, smashing every single painting with my hands.

"Fucking weirdo!!" I scream.

Using my hands, I rip apart every canvas I touch. The cloth hurts my skin, but I don't care. I want them all to disappear, to turn into pieces. So I use everything I have to destroy them, smashing each one relentlessly. The room is suddenly a mess of debris. I cry hard, letting the hammer fall to the floor as I feel powerless.

But I can't stop here. I need to find those damn diaries before leaving for good. I try to imagine where he could have hidden them, searching every corner of the room. I find paints, sketches, and art supplies, but nothing about books. Only when I discover a box do my hopes start to rise.

"It could be…?" I whisper to myself.

The box is sealed with silver tape, so I search for scissors to open it. As soon as I rip the tape off, there they are—all the diaries from my freshman years. My fingertips are a bit ruined from destroying the canvas, and I end up smudging a bit of blood on the cover. Nonetheless, they're all there. Every single one of the diaries I wrote when no one could hear me, when I felt the loneliest in this world when words were all I had to keep me sane.

To go back to that time again, even through words, could have significant consequences. I wanted to destroy them to run away from my past and the clues, but I also wanted to remember the truth. I needed to know the truth, to see what I missed from the incident ten years ago.

I take a deep breath and hold the diaries against my chest. It's about time for me to face my past again, for one last time.

Chapter Text

PAST

KYUNGSOO

When I first set foot in Sonnenschein, it was on a summer day. I was admitted in the middle of the year, a time when several students had to retake their first exams. The fact that I was actually going to study abroad was hard to believe, as dancing had always been my dream. Ever since I could remember, I had a strong desire to dance. I began taking ballet classes as a child, and by the time I entered the academy, I was already a skilled dancer. After my performance during the admission exam, I fainted; a secret known only to the other competitors. And that's exactly how my journey began at Sonnenschein—fraught with clandestine mysteries.

On my first day, I arrived an hour early. Classes always began in the early morning, and punctuality was a non-negotiable principle at Sonnenschein. For us dancers, the initial classes were more theoretical, with practical sessions typically scheduled for the afternoon. Naturally, I was riddled with anxiety during those initial days, but as I began to connect with some of the other students, my nerves started to settle.

One of the first person I met was Kim Jongdae. He was pursuing a double major, an uncommon feat at Sonnenschein due to its demanding nature. But Jongdae was exceptional in every sense of the word. We quickly stick with a strong bond, and by the end of our first day, we even approached the administration to inquire if we could become roommates.

"I'm sorry, but that won't be possible," the secretary told us in the office around 5 pm. "Students are assigned to specific departments, and, well... your friend here is a bit of a special case."

"But if I'm enrolled in both departments, why can't I just stay in Dance department?" Jongdae questioned.

The lady gave him a somewhat puzzled look.

"Because... you're in a special situation."

That's all the explanation we got. It wasn't until later that we realized they probably just wanted to avoid the hassle of rearranging rooms and potentially causing issues among the students. Because of that I was assigned to be roommates with a boy named Kim Jongin. So, we found ourselves without a way to stay close, except for when we were studying at the library — the same place I met Byun Baekhyun for the first time.

It took me about three to four weeks to actually cross paths with him at the library, mainly because the Music department's schedule was entirely different from ours. I vividly recall that day when I was running late for class, my heart pounding as I realized I had misplaced the locker key they handed out to freshmen every year. This meant I had no books, no pencils, and not even a black leotard for my ballet class. Unfortunately, such things were regular in my life.

In a rush, I made my way to the library in search of my lost keys. And there, for the first time, my eyes settled on him. He was busy arranging a stack of books, and I was immediately drawn to his presence. There was something unique about the way he carried himself – a quiet and cool demeanor, yet with a touch of elegance. His graceful hands moved with the kind of fluidity that only a pianist possesses. In that very moment, I felt like I was witnessing something truly extraordinary.

Approaching him cautiously, I offered a friendly smile. Our gazes met, and I could see the surprise in his eyes.

"Hi."

"Hi," he responded, blinking and appearing somewhat bewildered.

"I was hoping you could help me out. I seem to have lost my locker key, and I have a feeling it might have been left around here."

"Well, I haven't heard anything about lost keys being found recently, but we can check the lost and found box. Follow me, please."

As he neatly arranged the books on the table, I couldn't help but notice that his shirt bore a reference to my favorite television show, Doctor Who. It instantly sparked my excitement.

"Wow, you're a fan of Doctor Who too?" I exclaimed, my voice brimming with happiness.

A smile curved his lips as we walked side by side, embarking on a conversation that would mark the beginning of something entirely unexpected.

"Yes, it's my favorite show."

"No way! I love this show so much. I even watched some old-school seasons."

"Yeah, me too! I learned English because of this show."

That made me smile.

"Me too. What's your name?"

He gazes at me, those eyes of his. I'll never forget how they shifted when he cast his first glance my way. They weren't sparkling with excitement or curiosity, but rather possessed a cold, analytical edge. Triumphal. It was as if he was intensely intrigued by the prospect of getting to know me.

"Byun Baekhyun. And what's your name?"

"Do Kyungsoo."

At that moment, a smile emerged on his face.

"Please to meet you, Do Kyungsoo."

And right there, it all began.

We scoured the premises together in search of the lost keys, scouring every nook and cranny of the four-floor library. Baekhyun's familiarity with the place proved invaluable, guiding us to where we should concentrate our efforts. But during those hours of search, we did more than just look for keys. Baekhyun had become a kindred spirit, an unexpected mirror of my own likes and preferences. He held affection for everything I had ever cherished – from my favored music, movies, and TV shows, to my preferred foods and desired travel destinations. It was as though I was face to face with the other half of my own soul.

"You've been to Japan, haven't you?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Yes. I've been there five times. It was incredible for me, you should definitely go."

"Oh, I wish. Sadly, I don’t have any travel buddy."

He chuckled. Amidst the bookshelves of Art and Literature, we continued our search, even kneeling down to peer beneath a shelf. His eyes locked onto mine, and there was again a glimmer of triumph in his gaze.

"Are you hitting on me, by any chance?"

I caught on to the suggestive undertone of his words.

"I mean, I'm not implying anything, but… perhaps."

Silence enveloped us. He kept studying me, and I waited for him to break the quiet. Yes, I desired him. I was eager to uncover more layers of his personality. He was fascinating, someone who resonated so deeply with me. With so much shared ground, how could I not want to draw near?

"I may not know about Japan, but if you're up for it, we could grab a coffee later and discuss it further."

A smile stretched across my face. He was incredible. Scratch that, he was the most remarkable individual I had ever encountered.

"I'd love to grab a coffee with you."

Baekhyun nodded, then there was a distinct clatter, the sound of something falling – keys hitting the floor.

"Did you hear that?" I whispered.

Baekhyun's expression tightened as he slid his hand beneath the shelf, and behold, there they were. My keys, complete with the TARDIS keychain, entangled in the mix. My heart soared with elation.

"Oh my god, we found them!"

Baekhyun's laughter filled the air as he handed me the keys I had been relentlessly searching for.

"They must've slipped from one of the shelves. In any case, I'm glad I could be of assistance."

"No, really. Thank you so, so, so much for taking the time to help me with this. This keychain holds special sentimental value, you know? My brother gifted me this TARDIS on my 18th birthday."

"It's heartwarming to cherish gifts."

I nodded wholeheartedly.

"I enjoy both giving and receiving presents. It's something I really appreciate.”

"In that case, I'll have to request something from you today."

He stood up, extending a hand to help me up as well. We stood facing each other, and I felt a tremor course through me. We were so close and he was so captivating. I felt my body trembled.

"Are you free for lunch?"

I smiled at him, certain that none of that was just in case. 

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"So you really enjoy ice cream that much?" Jongdae laughed as he looked at my face covered in red juice, my favorite cherry flavor. We were at the beach on a Saturday afternoon, marking the end of our first month. Despite being surrounded by some other beach goers, we enjoyed our time alone on our small towel. Jongdae wanted this to be a memorable tradition during his time in Sonnenschein, and I readily agreed. It was a lot of fun going to the beach with him, even though we didn't actually step into the ocean.

The fine sand was everywhere, clinging to our legs, which made me laugh. I felt entirely breaded. "I never really liked beaches before coming here," I shared.

"Really? Not even Jeju?" Jongdae questioned.

I shake my head. No, my parents did not even let me out of the house. 

“It was very hard for me to enjoy those things because my family is… complicated. They just wanted me to focus on the dancing.”

"It must be your first time really experiencing life then. We should celebrate! C’mon, Kyungie, let's go to the sea!"

He shouted so loudly that everyone turned to look at us. My cheeks flushed, feeling embarrassed as I glanced at the onlookers. It was then that I noticed something peculiar.

About 3 feet away from us was where I saw him. He was sitting on a bench, alone, dressed in a red sweater and jeans, absorbed in a book. It was the first time I had seen him outside Sonnenschein's walls. He didn't smile. Instead, his eyes fixated on me intensely, like an eagle. I smiled and waved at him, but Baekhyun didn't reciprocate. He closed the book, swiftly got up, and left. I kept staring at his retreating figure, feeling perplexed.

"What the heck?" I muttered.

"Hey, Do Kyungsoo! Are you coming or not?" Jongdae's loud voice snapped my attention.

Leaving Byun Baekhyun behind, I followed Jongdae to the ocean. He was still gazing at the spot where Baekhyun had been.

"Do you know that guy?" Jongdae asked, a tinge of judgment in his tone.

"Yeah," I responded with a nod. "He helped me with my keys this week, and we had lunch together."

Jongdae frowned. "What's up with him?"

"He's majoring in Music. You've never crossed paths before?"

Jongdae shrugged. "Never seen his face before. Are you sure he even studies here? He seemed... odd."

"What?" I laughed. "Why would you say that?"

"I don’t know. I mean... wearing a sweater on the beach?"

"Okay, now you're just teasing me. C’mon."

"Maybe a little. Maybe I'm jealous that you had lunch with him."

I stared at him, wide-eyed. Jongdae moved closer, and I could feel his warmth. He smiled, yet there was a hint of seriousness in his expression.

"C’mon, Dae, you're overreacting."

"I'm not. What if he says something very smart and takes you away from me? I'll be damned." He struck the classic defeated hero pose, as if I had just defeated him.

I laughed. "He barely spoke, you know. He mostly kept staring at me."

This time, Jongdae chuckled. "Geez, he's a bit of a creep, Kyungsoo."

"Stop! He's not," I protested, playfully punching his chest. He hugged me, lifting me over his shoulders.

"Stop! Stop!" Jongdae imitated my voice, and I couldn't help but feel annoyed with him.

He took us both into the sea, and suddenly, we were playing in the water like children. Many other students were nearby, enjoying themselves and making a lot of noise. It was one of my first afternoons where I genuinely felt free, an experience I held onto for the rest of my life.

Later that night, when I got home, my mother called me. Despite being tired and already a month away from home, the feeling in my heart remained the same — a sense of misery.

"Hello, Mother," I answered quietly, ensuring my roommate wouldn't overhear.

"Do Kyungsoo, why didn't you pick up my calls?"

"I was... studying, mother," I lied.

"Were you, really?" Her suspicion was evident.

"Yes, of course."

"When I call, you must answer right away. That was our deal."

My heart continued to pound in my chest. I could feel the anger rising within me, a revolt dominating my thoughts.

"Yes, mother."

"I thought you were coming back home this weekend. Why are you still in Sonnenschein? You were supposed to be here by now."

I felt my nails digging into my hand, my fist clenching.

"Yes..."

"Are you even listening to me? Answer me properly!" She demanded.

I wanted to lash out at her, scream, and express my frustration. "I'm not coming back this weekend. We... have exams."

"You do not. Don't make me come all the way to Europe to bring you back home, Do Kyungsoo."

I bit my lips with rage. She was treating me like a child again.

"I’m not coming back. Good night," I stated firmly.

It was the first time I had ever hung up on my mother. She called three to seven times right after, but I simply unplugged the phone. That night, I slept better than I had in my entire life.

In the next morning, my body feels amazing. It’s Sunday, and I feel like exercising for the first time early in the morning. My legs burn as I run towards the tiny campus, with two or three other students around. Some of them arrive to train because Sunday is the best day for that since no one's really competing for the dance practice room. I can hear, though, someone playing the piano on the third floor. It’s Tchaikovsky’s "Bacarolle," perfectly played as if the notes were graciously meeting the air. I feel my body being drawn to the melody, so much that my foot stops by the window.

As the music begins to grow, I can't stop myself. I enter the empty building as if my body is levitating. I follow the melody, humming along with the piano notes. My body is completely covered in goosebumps. Step after step, I approach the staircase. The beige wall on my right is covered with painted pictures of noble students such as dancers, pianists, musicians, and maestros. After climbing the spiral staircase on the porcelain floor, I finally reach the top.

The music room was on the third floor, so I followed the melody through the corridor. There were only rooms on the left and right, and I never knew exactly what they were for. I could feel that there was no one around, so I kept following the corridor until I reached room 406. The half-opened door made me realize that I got it right—the music was here, filling my soul as if it were magical.

As I entered through the door, I finally saw him. Byun Baekhyun was there, playing the piano with his head down. The way the sunlight was streaming through the window in his direction made the scene look biblical. He was an angel crying through his music, so immersive that no one could ever stop him.

The notes were flying one by one, reaching the right tune and balance. I felt as if my heart were going to get ripped apart because of the melody. Baekhyun kept playing, merging himself with the piano. He didn't seem to know I was watching him from afar, so I took a step forward. I wanted to see him. I needed to hear him closely.

The music was growing to reach a climax, and all I could think about was how my body felt connected to him, like my muscles were being taught to dance with his rhythm. I was hypnotized by him, the way he was music itself, almost as if the notes were his soldiers marching to die in the battleground. Never in my life have I heard something so magnificent.

As the melancholic notes started to fade, Baekhyun closed his eyes with pain. The last note carried the weight of his soul. The room remained in silence seconds later, but the feelings were everywhere. I was astonished by him, completely lost in his beauty. He definitely was born for music.

"That was terrific," I whispered.

He didn't reply and didn't even startle. It was as if this whole time he knew I was there listening to his music, or at least he felt it somehow. He didn't open his eyes but rather lowered his head even more. It took at least half a minute for him to recompose.

"I'm happy to hear that," he finally said as he stood up to pick up his partition book.

He was silent. The room was quiet, and the only sound that could be heard was from my breath. Baekhyun organized his papers and closed the partition book. He was leaving again.

"Wait", I beg, surprising even myself.

He turns around and finally stares at me. His eyes are something you can never forget. They pierce my soul and make me want to burst into flames. He's the most magnetic man I've ever met. I feel so drawn, so interested in what he has hidden, that I can't bear being away from him.

"What is it, Do Kyungsoo?" His voice is seductive, a lower tone as he controls every syllable like a musical piece in note and pitch.

"Why are you running again? I thought that we could be friends."

Baekhyun smiles. He turns around to get his things and remains in silence. This cold manner is driving me crazy, so I approach him, pathetically. When he moves away from the piano, I try to follow his steps.

"Are you free today?" I insist again.

He laughs a bit, genuinely curious about me. He stops and gets closer to me. I can smell cinnamon somewhere, and that reminds me of comfort. His eyelashes blink slowly in his eyes, and he waits until we are both breathing together.

"Do Kyungsoo, I don't know if you should be seen with someone like me," he whispers.

"What does that mean?"

He stares again, both of us very close now.

"Are you willing to commit?" He instigates, "If you want to be friends, I'm searching for someone who wants support. I'm not looking for competitors nor spies."

His words shock me, even if they make sense. Of course, because of the whole hidden ranking system of Sonnenschein, it was very hard to make friends. People wouldn't trust anyone, and students were mostly ferrous about getting roles in the school plays. Everyone there wanted to be a star, but not everyone would be able to. And everyone knew that.

"You're from the music department, I'm a dancer."

"Your boyfriend is a double major," he says it like a curse.

"Who? Kim Jongdae? He's not my—"

He smirks at me.

"Oh… I must've gotten it wrong, then."

We keep staring at each other. I feel like he did that on purpose, but I don't say anything. Baekhyun doesn't move but also doesn't react. He just stares at my face, cheeks, and finally my lips. It's so fast that you could miss it.

"Let's put it this way…" he starts, getting closer as his pointing finger touches my chin like a feather, "I can play for you, and you can dance for me. It could work just fine if we stick together like this. I can help you reach the perfection you’re looking for."

He was offering me heaven in every pitch of his words. I could see his eyes were glimmering with anticipation, as if the offer was something irrefutable. His touch was making me blush, so all I could do was nod.

Baekhyun smiled and moved his finger away from my face. He kept staring, and I was inebriated with his cinnamon smell again. Perfect, calming, reminding me of home.

"Great," he says, "Then we have a deal. It would be smart if you could give me your number too."

I smile so bright that a person could think that I had won a prize, but that's exactly how I felt. In my heart, I knew that it was a matter of time until we could get closer, and Baekhyun probably knew that too. Because when we finally exchanged numbers, I started receiving his good night messages. And that's how everything began.

Right then, at that moment, everything changed kaleidoscopically.

My relationship with Baekhyun started much like the birth of the universe — an immense explosion that drew everything into its orbit. We were like the sun and the moon, something that makes sense only if there’s darkness surrounding.

We got along so easily. It was like he already knew me and we met in another life. I was convinced that Baekhyun was someone I got lucky to find. He was caring and liked to cook for me, cared for me, and was my shoulder to cry on. We trained a lot together. He always watched me dance while playing the piano and I could tell his eyes were always glued to me, and that he enjoyed seeing me perform.

Over the months, our relationship grew quickly. We started as friends, and I started spending too much time practicing with him. Jongdae didn't seem to approve, because he was worried he wouldn't see me anymore. But I honestly didn't feel like meeting anyone besides Baekhyun. I just wanted to experience the situation for a while.

One day after practicing, we were alone in his room. His roommate was out to work, and we were studying music on a rainy afternoon. He made us a cake, popcorn, and hot chocolate. He was comfortable on the floor, really close to me as always.

"So… next semester, we will probably not see much of each other..." Baekhyun murmured to me, starting a conversation.

I stared at him, surprised.

"Are you applying to the play?"

He nodded, smiling.

"I want to sing, too. I was wondering if I could… you know, apply for both roles this year."

Sonnenschein had a major play per year. The students write a lot of plays every month, but the Christmas play is the most memorable. It was when we had job opportunities as well. However, in history, no one had the opportunity of both roles. It was extremely hard to even pass the audition, so to play both roles were practically not happening at all.

"I'm hoping to apply, too. I want to dance." I said, trying not to talk about it.

He looked at me with a smile.

"Can you imagine me playing for you to dance, dear?" Baekhyun insisted.

His eyes were glimmering with happiness, as if he was already seeing both of us in the play. I got confused, because he knew that wasn't happening. It couldn't. That wasn’t how Sonnenschein system worked.

"You would be the most amazing singer, I'm certain.” I hesitated, “I would love that, Baekhyun."

"Right?" He smiled. "I knew you would. I promise to do everything I can to make this possible."

"Me too." I say, impressed by his determination, "I would do anything for you."

"Anything?" He asked.

"Sure. Anything."

He blinks, getting closer to me.

"Can you keep a secret as well?"

I nodded.

"Of course, I can."

Then he came even closer, giggling as he whispered in my ear:

"I have always wanted to kiss you."

I felt my skin burning the way he said it. It wasn't just an innocent confession, it had meaning. He wanted me. He wanted me in a way I've been saving the courage to tell.

I didn't answer him with words, but with my mouth. I kissed him so softly, so sweetly. I taste his lips on mine for the first time, and it's the most amazing thing. I swear you can never forget the sensation of kissing someone you love.

There is a burning passion, a glimmer of excitement, and the feeling of his lips corresponding to mine, wanting me as much as I desire him. The same way I needed him.

We couldn't get enough.

We burned every limitation that was keeping that desire hostage. As soon as I realize it, we're in his bed. He grabs my neck as I pull out his shirt. I feel his naked abdomen for the first time. He moans in my ear.

"Please. Don't think. Just make me yours," he said.

That's the only thing on my mind when I go down on him. I suck him and feel him getting hard in my mouth. Baekhyun moves his body and breathes heavily, letting his desire of touch consume his soul.

We burned together in a way lovers would envy. I feel like my mouth could never get enough of his skin, always trying to fuck him with my lips. He starts to move his hips, pulling my hair as if screaming for me to not stop.

I wouldn't dare to.

My mouth is full every time I suck him, lick his cock, and kiss him all the way to the end. I had never sucked someone so hard before. It was like I needed to give him pleasure. I wanted to hear him begging for me.

"Please…" he says, like reading my damn mind.

I follow his tummy, kissing all the way to his lips again. His shirt is lost, and my clothes start to disappear in the blink of an eye. Suddenly, we are both naked and hot, and I want him more than ever.

I look at his glimmering eyes. He's stunningly beautiful, more than I ever imagined. So I say to him:

"You're the most beautiful thing in this world."

He smiles but doesn't say anything. He kisses me. He touches me. We are so close, I don't know where my body ends and where his body begins. Still, I want more.

"Kyungsoo…" he whispers, as I bend down to suck his nipples, "Please…"

I know he's asking me to fuck him. But I won't. So I hold his chest closer, and I suck him even harder. I let my hands go down on his cock, and move up and down to get him hard for me. He wasn't expecting me to give him pleasure, so he moans again in my ear. I'm on top of him, fucking him with my hands and seeing every inch of expression on his face. He's so red, so hot. His skin is burning, but I won't let go. I want my name to come out of that pretty mouth again.

"Say it." I murmur, "You can start to beg now."

Baekhyun bites his lips.

"Fuck." He says.

"Yes. Fuck."

My hands are working faster. His dick is hard, but I don't want him to come yet. So I move his legs around my waist, and I slide my cock into him. Slowly.

"That's what you wanted?" I ask, "Me too, baby. Fuck, I've been daydreaming about you for months, Baekhyun."

He stares at me. His eyes show me how surprised he is. I grab his chin, and I kiss him. Hard.

We fucked together this time. I feel my dick moving inside of him, and his hands are squeezing my ass. He holds me like we're made of the same stuff. We locked eyes, and I swear I could see him whispering love words.

That was the first time we really fucked.

We fucked a lot in our first year together. We fucked in his roommate's room, we fucked in party bathrooms, we fucked in my car, we fucked in motels, we fucked in the library, and we even fucked at the beach luau. It was the most amazing year I had with the most amazing person. Never in my life have I felt like that. He made me feel like nothing in this world could stop me. I was his hurricane of emotional storms, and he was there to let me take everything I wanted. It was in the midst of this ferocious feeling that our love grew.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

The first Christmas play of my freshman year was drawing closer. Every student was pushing hard for the audition day, including myself. Since Baekhyun and I trained together throughout the semester, we were reasonably confident of being chosen for the play.

One day, I was dancing with the girls until late at night. Jongin was practicing for a role in "The Nutcracker," and I was aiming for Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons”. He was doing his best to help me improve the sissone sequence, which was challenging for me as I always struggled to look good while performing it.

“I think maybe you should lose some weight,” he suggested, pointing to my butt as we finished the session. “You need to lose all of this fat immediately.”

Panting and trying to catch my breath, I looked at myself in the mirror. He stood by my side, dressed in his practice clothes, with his hair up. He looked like an ice king—tall, thin, with a modest-sized chest, and a magical face. It was evident to me that he would be chosen for the play; no one compared to him in our year.

“I don't know how I'm losing height in just a few weeks.”

He shrugged. “Just don't eat. Take five ice cubes in the morning, have a bowl of salad for lunch, and drink a glass of protein milk at night. That's what we all do, dear; you're not special.”

I stared at him in disbelief. While ballet dancers were known for unhealthy methods of maintaining their physique, I had never done anything like this. I maintained a serious exercise routine but also enjoyed a bit of food. Unfortunately, many of us were negatively impacted by unhealthy eating habits. Jongin seemed to be just another victim of perfectionism.

“I could die if I do that.”

Jongin rolled his eyes. “You're acting like a baby. Come on, Do Kyungsoo, I thought you were taking this seriously. Am I helping you for nothing? You need to lose this fat, whether you like it or not. I won't teach you anything if you don't diet.”

“You can't be serious,” I said, looking at him through the mirror.

“I'm deadly serious,” he threatened.

So, for the rest of the week, I did what I was told. I tried my best to lose at least five pounds by the audition day. Every day, I would wake up, eat some ice cubes for breakfast, and go for a run. By the time I got home, I felt like I could faint. Since Sonnenschein was already experiencing winter, eating ice early in the morning was even more challenging, but I felt like I had no choice.

For a whole week, all I consumed was ice, salad, and soy milk. My fear was that if I went to sleep, I wouldn't wake up again. I started to faint in the middle of the rehearsals and Jongin would always make me drink a bottle of isotonic to keep dancing until I faint again. I never thought I would survive this, but I did what I could to lose weight and look light as a feather.

Three days later, I was still pretty sick. Ended up in the nursery, getting a saline solution through my veins – definitely one of the worst days of my life.

On Tuesday afternoon, Jongdae dropped by. He strolled into the room with a bouquet of white carnations, a bit romantic, just like me. He's always been the perfect guy. I grinned at him from the bed, already feeling better because of his kindness.

“Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?” He asked.

His eyes were so tender they melted me instantly. The flowers were beautiful, filling the room with a sweet scent. I felt calm and relaxed. He hugged me quickly, just touching my body with his hands. Jongdae always wanted to feel people.

“A bit better,” I breathed, doing my best to smile. “Thanks so much for being here, Dae.”

He smiled back.

“I was seriously worried. They told me you were seriously dehydrated. What were you thinking, Do Kyungsoo?”

I closed my eyes, trying hard not to cry. His voice wasn't angry but concerned, just like a mother's voice should sound—full of love and tenderness. I felt secure in his presence, like no one could hurt me, not even my own intrusive thoughts.

“I'm super anxious. They'll probably put me back on pills.”

“Again?”

I stared at him. I shouldn't have said that. He doesn't know.

“I'm sorry, Dae. I didn't want you to worry,” I quickly changed the subject, hoping he wouldn't notice.

“Forget it, okay? Let's talk about something else. Can you hit the beach when they give you the green light?”

Beach? I still needed to practice my performance. He doesn't seem to get the situation at all. If I don’t nail this role, it's game over for me. It's a one-time shot, and everyone in Sonnenschein knows that.

“Maybe… I don't know. But I'll let you know.”

“I miss you, you know. We barely see each other now.”

His sad tone made me want to cry again.

“I'm sorry.”

“Please, don't ghost me again. I really like you, Kyungsoo.”

I kept silent. He kissed my forehead and caressed my face. All of his touches were light, making me feel warm in a way that I knew I didn't deserve. We kept talking about classes, trying to distract ourselves from the fact that our time was running out until audition day.

Hours later, I was out of the nursery. The sky was already pretty dark, so I thought about calling someone to take me to my room. I didn't need to, though. The moment I left the room, I saw Baekhyun holding a little box while seated in the waiting room. He looked like a mess, dark circles around his eyes, and his clothes were completely ruined. The black tie he usually liked to wear was loosely hanging around his beautiful neck. His brownish hair was messy but hot at the same time. He really looked like an academy student ending their semester.

“Hey, Kyungsoo. I just heard you were finally out. Sorry I couldn’t come earlier.”

His mere presence lifted me. I tried to run to him, but I couldn't, so I just walked faster. His arms caught me the same as before. I smelled the calming cinnamon of his skin, feeling deeply warm again.

“It’s so good to see you.”

“I’m very sorry, honey. I was so worried about you; I couldn't sleep for days.”

I blinked.

“You knew already?”

“Yeah, of course. I visited you every single day, but you were always sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up,” Baekhyun said, touching my face with the softest touch and the warmest eyes, “You looked like an angel. I wouldn’t let anyone take you from me. Understand?”

It’s the way he said it that makes me realize: he saw it. All of that conversation I had with Jongdae minutes ago, he saw everything. I want to cry because I feel like I’m betraying him.

“Baekhyun, please…” I stutter.

He doesn't smile. His eyes are so different, and his hands are almost hurting me. I’m afraid of what he can do right now.

“You did not answer me. Did you understand?” He says every syllable in a cold tone.

I nod because I don’t know what to do next. He seemed satisfied as he kissed me. His mouth ferociously sucked mine for some seconds. It was like he was trying to prove his passion for me.

“Let me take you home now,” he breathes.

We walked together out of the nursery room, holding hands. He gives me the box he was holding before, and there are candies inside. “Our little secret,” he whispers, as we both giggle on our way to the dorms.

The minute I get to the apartment door, all I hear is silence. Because it's very late, there aren't many people around, and I would get another panic attack if Baekhyun wasn't here with me.

“Thank you for being you. I don't know what I would do without you.”

He smiles fondly and takes my hand to kiss it like a charming prince.

“I will take care of you, dear. Please, sleep. Tomorrow will be another day.”

I nod and hug him tight before he leaves. In bed, all I can think of is how much of me needs fixing. Jongin is sleeping in the bed by my side, and as much as I'm angry at him, I'm also relieved. I know he doesn't regret what he did because we're all so sick, chasing perfection that we know the price we should pay for it.

I just don't know if it's worth dying for anymore.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

There's one thing I learned in dance academy when I was just a kid: some people would dance to feel good with themselves, and some people would dance to change history. I have always thought that both things could indeed meet common ground. But after the announcement day came, I understood what the phrase really meant. You can never be satisfied with yourself. Every piece of failure will break the spirit of the artist, haunting all of the good sides like we're only made of breaks trying so much to look like pure gold.

I woke up vomiting that day. My chase was to star in the biggest role, and my mind was completely trashed because of it. I wanted any of Vivaldi's seasons. I took a test for all of them, but the nerves were taking me. I knew my chances were low, but that little bit of hope was destroying me from the inside.

After eating breakfast, I composed myself to go see the list. My heart was beating the fastest it had ever been. Each step resounding on the floor trembled me whole. They put the list on a board next to the main hall. There were a lot of students from afar, glaring at it without the courage to see. Some were celebrating already, but most of the people were crying and having tantrums. The scene was a living nightmare.

Baekhyun, Jongdae, Seulgi and Jongin were nowhere to be found, so I found myself completely alone. People were staring at me angrily when I approached the board. Some glared without a word, and some were just crying. I didn't know if that meant something, but the pressure made me close my eyes shut.

I continued to walk until I was finally staring at the board. I started to count in French: "Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.” My eyes opened, and I took a breath. I try to look for my name, but I cannot find it anywhere. My heart beats faster. 

It's over. 

No, no, no, no, no. No. NO. THAT CAN'T BE IT.

I'm closer now, desperately searching for every syllable and letter of my name. There's none. I cannot believe this. There must be a mistake in these two hundred names; there needs to be a Do Kyungsoo. I searched again, and my heart stopped. I feel silly when I finally see it.

Vivaldi's Four Season

Winter Concerti

Kyungsoo Do — soloist  

They put my first name on evidence, of course. It was me. I got to do the solo part. It's not what I wanted, but something worse: I would be completely alone performing in front of the public, something I have never done before.

Suddenly, my heart started squeezing. I feel dizzy, and I need to run before I fall completely on the floor. No. This wasn't how it's supposed to be. I ran towards the bathroom and my sight blinks with black stains. My breathing is faster and when I get to the bathroom cubicle, I can finally breathe again.

"Un, deux, trois…” My voice breaks, and I’m holding tightly the cold stone of the sink, “Quatre, cinq…” 

I can’t reach to ten. My mind is blank and all I can’t think about is the smell of cinnamon. Baekhyun. Shit! I did not check if his name was on the list, what kind of lover am I?

“Fuck!”

I’m fucking it up again. I need those pills they prescript me or else I’m afraid I can relapse again. And I promised I would never fall down the darkness again. So, with that in mind, I punch my face. Over and over and over until I recompose. The men bathroom is empty, so no one saw my pathetic crying face. I hope they never will. It is tiresome to feel like an open wound all the time.

I splash water on my face and clean up everything. I was gripping the sink when Jongin finally found me. He was, as always, absolutely gorgeous, wearing just a pair of shorts and a hoodie. I bet he had been practicing since 5 am and just now checked the board.

"Hyung? My god, you look terrible. Do you want me to call an ambulance?" He rushes towards me, staying by my side with a worried stare.

"No! No, no, no, no! Jongin, please, don’t tell anyone about this! I feel ridiculous!" I cried, raising my hand in front of my eyes.

He stares at me in silence. He's one of the sweetest people I've ever met but also one of the toughest. Truth is, he doesn't like weakness, and I know that. That’s why I'm very lucky to have him as a roommate. Because Jongin doesn't think twice about taking me out of the bathroom in silence, trying hard to hide my face from the crowd. He carries me until we’re out of the building, and I can feel his body trembling a bit. I stare at him while holding tightly to his neck. He sighed before talking again:

"This is very hard. Did you take your pills? I'm worried about you, Kyungsoo."

Now, he's the one crying. Because he's crying so childishly, I end up laughing a bit. He's so dramatic sometimes, it's impossible not to. I'm in his arms, and he releases me while staring with fear. He doesn't know how to deal with my anxiety yet. Well, neither do I.

"Don't worry, it will pass soon. Just… talk to me. Something that's not about the play."

Jongin makes a face, wiping some tears from his eyes.

"Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all I have. I made it too, y’know? Because of your help. So, thank you very much for that."

That wasn't something I was expecting him to say. It's very good news, of course, but it confuses me.

"Really? My help was just a push, I knew you’d make it."

Jongin shrugged, crossing his arms. His lips are pouting after crying, and I can't help but see him like a little brother now. It's crazy how a person can change just like that when there's so much pressure around.

"But it's good, right? It's good that we both passed. I would taste bad if it was just one of us."

I nod. He doesn't even hide his competitive side, but it's better that way. We don’t need to pretend we aren't rivals on the rank. It was the best news possible. Even though that wouldn't change anything for me. I still would have to dance all alone on the stage.

"It's great, actually." I say, smiling, "Oh my god!” I yell, remembering Baekhyun again, “Did everyone read the list already? Did they hand out the Music Department list too?"

Jongin shrugged, like a little boy.

"I don't know. I'm just sharing my happiness with you, I did not talk to anyone yet."

I nod, knowing very well what he meant. I notice my heart isn't racing anymore, and the anxiety is going away. I take a breath again, feeling myself in control.

"I'm getting hungry. Did you eat already?"

Jongin blinks like he's trying to remember.

"I don't know. But if you want something, I can search in the cafeteria. No worries."

He's very sweet as always, but I refuse to let him buy things for me.

"I'll just see if my boyfriend has already eaten; I'm going to his house."

Jongin nods in silence. He doesn't like Baekhyun because we're “too intense for each other,” in his words, but I don't mind. As long as we're both happy with our relationship, nothing matters to me.

We spend the last few minutes just talking about silly things on our way to the dorms, and Jongin actually makes me feel so good. I thank him and give him a hug before going to see Baekhyun.

Sonnenschein is quiet this time of the day. I pass through the square and see some students laughing and smoking as usual, but there's not a single soul performing in the main hall. That's very rare.

I don't see Baekhyun anywhere around the people, so I just assume he is home. But going there, I end up seeing Jongdae again. He smiles at me and greets me without approaching. He's been very cautious around me lately, and we don't even talk that much anymore. So I just greet him with a wave and follow my way to Baekhyun's building.

It's a townhouse better than the rooms we share at Sonnenschein, but it's also a bit expensive. I don't really know how Baekhyun manages to pay for everything because he never tells me anything about his life. The minute I get there, I don't see anyone around. I start to worry because I know everyone is freaking out about the play today. Well, that, and the fact that it is close to Thanksgiving, so everyone must be going back home. But since the building looks haunted, I just go directly to his room.

I knock on the door, but a bit later, I realize that it is actually already open. That scares me. Why would the door be open?

"Baekhyun?" I call, entering the room cautiously.

No one answers. I can't see very well because the only light comes from the candles. The whole room smells like a church somehow. My heart starts to beat a bit faster. Darkness is frightening to me, so my anxiety is back to torment my mind. I search for him in the room, but I see no one. The beds are empty, and all I can hear is a vinyl record playing "Lacrimosa" by Mozart very low. That catches my attention. The vinyl looks like an old record, something he never showed me before.

"Kyungsoo?" A weak voice calls.

I jump, looking around to see where it's coming from.

"Hello?" I call, "Baekhyun?"

"On the floor." He says.

I look down, and then I finally see. He was lying down on the floor, covered in blood stains. That scared the shit out of me. I ran to him, desperately worried about his state.

"Oh my god!"

He stares at me. I can't see anything but his numb eyes. His face is hurt, like someone ripped his skin with a sharp nail. But looking at his hands, it seems like this person was himself.

"Baekhyun… who did that to you?"

"I can't go wrong anymore." He says, his voice breaking.

He stops staring at me, and shuts his eyes making a face. Tears run down his face, but he doesn't make a noise. It's scary to watch. The music is far away from us, but the violin is near his left hand. He was probably playing when he had a crisis.

"Baekhyun… did you do that to yourself?" I say, holding his bloody hands in mine.

He nodded, crying. Shit. He wasn't lying. I don’t need to ask because it's right here, all of his failures transformed into pure pain. It's painful to see him breaking like that. I wish I could hold him, but I'm afraid he'll need to go to the hospital.

"I played all night. It's just… my head is not very good right now, Kyungsoo. Please, just leave." He whispers, forcing himself to not stare at me.

His light gray shirt has a bit of blood on the sleeves as he hugs himself on the floor. His body is curling like a ball, getting away from me.

I'm paralyzed seeing him on the floor like that. I don't know what to do because I'm still trembling out of anxiety. I want to throw up, but I want to give him comfort. Hesitating, I touch his hair slowly, just to notice that it is a bit wet. He's hot too which means he's probably exhausted.

"Baekhyun… c'mon. We need to go to bed. You need to sleep so you can rest." I whisper, waiting for him to respond.

But he says nothing. His body doesn't even flinch and I'm hesitant to touch him. Ironically, I don't know how to deal with someone else's crisis. I wish Jongin was here again.

"I… what can I do for you? I'm suffering from anxiety, too. So, I thought that…"

"Well, I cannot help you." He interrupts me, seeming mad.

This surprises me. He's not facing me, but I can see that he doesn't want me there. Still, I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. I needed him right now.

"What?" I whisper, forcing him to face me.

But the look on his face is terrible. He looks like a madman.

"I can't fucking help you right now! Are you deaf?" He screams.

He never screams. I'm so scared that my body trembles and I fall on the floor with my butt. I can't say a word because he's acting like this is all my fault. It's not. I didn't ask for him to exhaust himself like that.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, as my voice cracks.

I'm crying when I see regret all over his face. He crawls to me, kissing my feet, shin, and knees. He's above me when he whispers:

"I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry." We are hugging right now. "I'm sorry, I'm just very nervous. I love you, Soo. I love you very much." He says.

"You scared me."

"I know. I know baby, I know. I'm sorry."

He kisses me. We're sitting on the floor, and his hands holding me are covered in blood because of his despair of being perfect. But I let him hold me like I matter. He pulls my body very close, kissing my lips, using his tongue to make me his. His fingers hold my neck tightly, and I feel his body covering me on top. Each of his legs presses me onto the floor, and he's now above me. His eyes are glimmering with something else, but I don't want to do anything rather than talk. I want to throw up. I want to scream.

I guess he sees my hesitation because he lets a peck on my forehead. He sighs, standing up on his knees while trying to get back in control again.

"I thought you came here for sex. I must’ve misinterpreted you."

He lets me on the floor and stands up, leaving me laying there. It’s a weird feeling because he never did this before. I can hear him changing the music background and taking his shirt off. I cry a bit more, indecisive. Everyone in this academy is already mad. It's like we are all broken.

I sit on the floor and take a deep breath. When I look at Baekhyun again, he's in the kitchen washing his hands. I follow him in silence, not knowing exactly what to say. The background music is one of Tchaikovsky's songs that I have never heard of. He comes back with a kit of aids and helps himself to treat the wounds.

"I thought that you could maybe want to talk about the list. You know, Vivaldi… and…” I stutter.

He's shirtless, and I can see how many of his wounds were hidden between those clothes. It's sad because I know he's probably had a hard life before coming here. His face is staring at me cautiously.

"The Winter Concerti…" He mumbles, "I heard it's going to be your solo. Congratulations."

He sounds monotonous, but I cannot blame him. Talking about someone else's dreams while you failed to achieve yours is not fair. And as much as I don't want to hurt him, I don't have anyone right now who I can talk to. Anyone that would understand me like he does.

“I'm scared. I never wanted to be a soloist; I… don't think I have what it takes. Even if Jongin will be there for a while, I still…”

"Your roommate?" He interrupts, bittered.

I roll my eyes at him.

"Stop. He deserved it, Baekhyun. He's a very gifted dancer. You'll see how much he will add to the performance on stage."

"If you're saying..." He shrugs.

He doesn't look at me anymore. I see that he's done with his aids, and he seems tired. I don't know what to do. He came to me, with his fingers all covered in bandages. His face is still bleeding, but I don't say anything. I let him touch me, like I'm one of his instruments.

"I promised you I would be there for you, but I failed.” He sighs, looking really tired. “I'm very sorry for that. I'll try to talk to them and convince them to let me play for you. I'll be your violin for the Winter song, dear. I have not given up yet."

"Baekhyun… please, I don't want trouble."

"I'm doing this for us, babe. We're living our dream, right?"

His fond smile gets into my heart, so all I can do is agree with him. "Of course," I say.

I trust him because I need that strength. I'm rooting for everything that we've worked on together to come to fruition and that I'll be able to dance to his music.

I just didn't know all the consequences that would follow.