Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Someone must be out to get him, this can’t be a mere coincidence

The air escapes his mouth and forms a cloud of vapor, slightly blocking the view in front of him, but not so much. Not enough.

He had woken up from deep slumber, sweating profusely on the hotel bed, just another nightmare. It’s one of many, he’s been having these days. A mix of tears and sweat plastered over his face, drowning him, almost. But not completely.

He sees Leo, and he breathes in his scent, he gags and suffocates. The yelling becomes too much, as he, Leo, screams. He yells at him and tells him just how dirty he is, for having those feelings, those emotions. Neymar just sits there, arms over his knees as he crouches in the corner, shoving his head in between his legs; trying desperately to block Leo’s voice from reaching his ears, and confirming his fears. He knows this is just a nightmare, another manifestation of his own anxiety. This isn’t real, but god does it feel so fucking real.

It’s true, Neymar is dirty, and he deserves to be yelled at. And when Leo shouts at him throwing insults and punches, he can’t say anything. Because what do you say to the person you love when they tell you to leave them alone, to forget about them, stop thinking of them? Neymar can’t stop thinking about him and if he could he would, oh how much he would love to just let go of this dreadful heart-wrenching state of endless pinning and move on with his life. Only if Leo would stop being so goddamn godly. Like he is every time his feet touch the ball, every time he flies through the field effortlessly captivating, or this time, as he lies peacefully on his bed, teasing, taunting Neymar with the one thing he wants the most, and the one thing he can never have.

Leo

The cloud disappears revealing what it fails to hide. Leo’s body is safely tucked under a warm blanket. It moves slowly every time he draws and releases a breath. It covers his body, almost protectively, Neymar thinks. Maybe it’s trying to shield Leo away from Neymar’s disgusting thoughts. Maybe it wants to take Leo for itself, and who would blame it, it’s Leo after all.

Neymar finds himself in one hell of a predicament. He can turn his head, slide under the sheets, and go back to a torturous slumber, one where he buries his desires and suppresses the heat forming under his belly. or, he can bask in the tranquil sight before him and admire god, I mean you don’t need a brain to make a choice really, and Neymar has lost his mind a long time ago, so it’s settled.

Another cloud forms in front of his face as he lets out a shaky breath. This time, he can’t wait for it to dissipate and allow that sight to bless his eyes once again. Because the truth is, the world has stopped and time seized to exist, god, himself is laying asleep. And all Neymar can feel, is anticipation. He feels jittery, but in a good way. As if Leo woke up at this exact moment, Neymar would pour his heart out and confess all his sins. He would go to hell, and that would be his salvation.

It is time to make a decision, and the excitement had Neymar's stomach doing flips, and his fingers aching for what they are about the brush. He moves his leg slowly, and pain shoots through his body paralyzing him, but only for a second. He continues moving until his foot touches the floor, and at this moment he expects Leo to jump at him yelling and screaming profanities just as he does in his nightmares. Nothing happens. So he continues.

He moves his other leg and soon enough he is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring intensely at the older man’s face. Looking for a single glimpse of disgust or horror. He finds nothing, and it scares Neymar. He hates it too much, because now he has nothing stopping him, and he needs to continue.

His mind wanders to the game they had yesterday, and how he scored a goal, mere minutes before the end, taking them from a draw to a win. Leo’s arms surrounded his chest as he pulled him for a celebratory hug. He hugged him back and smiled with glee, it was so easy. It was easy because he had done it too many times, or maybe it wasn’t easy at all. Because although Neymar has played with Messi for many years now, he still can’t help but hold his breath every time the Argentinian touched his skin. And now he is about to inflict that delicious pain upon himself, he is about to throw himself into the burning fire, to cool down his burning fire.

He gets up on his wobbly legs and steadies himself with the edge of the bed, and his mind becomes blank. No need for thoughts, he already made up his mind. He begins to walk, and every step drags him further and further away from sanity. He reaches the middle of the distance between his and Leo's bed and is faced with the gravity of what he is about to do, but that thought only lasts for half a second as he takes another step. He kneels before Leo's face and can feel his breath tickle the tip of his nose. Neymar swallows hard, and tries to ignore just how dry his throat has gotten. He needs to go through with it, he needs to do it, he will probably never get another chance like this, he will probably never have the courage he has today, he needs this, he needs Leo so bad.

Neymar’s brain shuts down as he leans his head closer toward Leo’s. He brushes their lips together, before whispering “no regrets” and finally locking them in a gentle but desperate motion. He is shy at first, trying not to overstep and ruin this beautiful moment. But soon enough, once he got a taste of heaven, he couldn’t help but satiate his thirsty soul, it has after all been thirsty for so long. Leo’s lips are soft and tender, Neymar thinks. Can these lips be rough and demanding? Can they violate Neymar's body and claim him furiously, as if it’s the last thing they will ever do in this life and all the ones coming after?

The thoughts cloud Neymar's brain and he feels ashamed that even at this moment when he finally gets to drink from Leo's essence, he still wants more. So greedy, so dirty, so Neymar.

The kiss comes to an end as Neymar gets overwhelmed and feels tears sliding down his cheeks, he pulls away fearing his sobs might wake Leo up, and slowly shifts back to his bed. Feeling emptier than he did before. It is not that Leo couldn’t fill him up, but now after he had kissed Leo he knows nobody else will ever be able to fill him up, or come even close, not after Leo. And that is literally a death sentence.

The sheets welcome him back and engulf him in a cold but comforting hug as he sobs silently and soaks them with his tears. Today he got a sip from Leo's fountain and instantly got addicted. It’s not fair, god is not fair.

Chapter Text

After yesterday, nothing will ever be the same

Neymar stares at his reflection in the mirror, dark circles decorating under his puffy eyes. His lips are swollen as he bit them hard trying to stop his sobs. One might say he looks like a mess, but there is more to it. Neymar looks dead. The reflection captures a somber image of a man devoid of life. Neymar has lost everything, and it was all his fault.

He lifts his hand and reaches towards the mirror, trying to ground himself by touching the man staring back at him. Maybe that will bring him hope, love, god even hurt. Neymar would rather feel hurt than be in this state. He would rather cry blood than be lost in this empty void of utter nothingness.

The glass is cold and it sends a shiver down his spine. He retracts his hand and puts it on the edge of the sink leaning closer and sobbing hard. He lets his eyes pour out the tears left, and they do so with ease. They have become accustomed to it, and have long accepted their fate. But Neymar's heart hasn’t yet, it still twists and turns, bringing up scenarios and painting beautiful images, asking questions such as “what if…?”. What if Neymar told Leo about his feelings? what if Neymar just begged Leo to love him back? Or maybe use him as a cum slut and discard him whenever he wants. Because as you see Neymar’s heart is desperate, and doesn’t give a speck of care for the man’s dignity.

The water pours into the sink as he washes his face, trying to soothe his puffiness and erase the traces of yesterday. He grabs the towel and gently pats it over his eyes and cheeks before heading out of the bathroom. the room is empty, just as he had found it when he woke up. He quickly put on a pair of jeans and a nice t-shirt, messed with his hair until he felt satisfied, and headed to the hotel’s breakfast area.

Loud chatter filled his ears as he approached it. The place is lively and everyone seems to be still gushing about yesterday’s win, it was a close call, but they managed to win, thanks to Neymar. He let out a sigh and prepares to put on his fake smile, he would have to fool everyone in here, because he just cannot handle being asked about his feelings right now, he might actually start crying on the spot, so he needs to pretend.

He slides into a conversation with Verrati and Donnarumma as he picks up something to eat. The faint image of Leo doesn’t leave the side of his eye. He appears immersed in his own actions, but he swears he can see Leo eying him intensely from the other side of the room. Has he finally become delusional? Should he dare take a look? He gulps harshly as he dissociates from his surroundings trying to make a decision. He gives a small chuckle at what he assumes to be a joke from Verrati and shoots a quick glance at Leo, so quick you can barely detect it, and sure enough, he is looking at him.

Does he know about yesterday’s shenanigans? It must be, because why is he just staring at Neymar and not actually talking to him? He seems to be in deep thought and feels uneasy. Maybe he has finally realized just how disgusting Neymar is. Maybe this is it, the scene from his nightmares is finally coming to reality and he fully deserves everything Leo wants to throw at him.

The short eye contact got Neymar’s heart pounding out of his chest, almost as if he wants to run to Leo and beg him for forgiveness. It’s intense and brings back the wave of emotions from yesterday and instantly overwhelms Neymar. He needs to leave this place, like right now.

He excuses himself and rushes to the bathroom, leaving a confused Verrati and Donnarumma behind him. As he shuts the door he leans on it, sliding all the way down, and hitting the floor with a thud. He struggles to draw one full breath before the air comes gushing out of his lungs. How can one small eye contact do all of this to him? But again today he is feeling a little too much. So strong it feels like nothing at all. It crushes Neymar’s heart and pains it so badly that it renders it numb. And now he is on the bathroom floor trying to calm a palpitating heart.

This rush of emotions is suffocating, all he can feel is regret. Yesterday’s Neymar had the bravery of a gladiator, able to fight wars and conquer cities. And now he feels small and ashamed of his own being. Like an alcoholic coming down from his high and realizing just how embarrassing the actions of the previous night were. And what scares Neymar the most, is the truth. If he went back in time and had the exact same circumstances as yesterday, he would still do it all over again, and bask in the drunkenness Leo’s lips brought him, a serenity he might never have again.

Neymar?

The voice pierces Neymar’s ears and travels across his veins shooting at his heart. Why is Leo here? Did he follow him? Neymar stops a gasp that threatened to rip out of his throat and stands up abruptly trying to calm himself. He needs to open this door and face his fears, maybe this will be the kick that pushes him over the edge and ends all hope he ever had. He lets out a shaky breath and puts on an even shakier hand on the door handle twisting it and revealing a concerned Leo, so beautiful.

His eyes, full of worry, as he analyses every inch of Neymar, eyes darting across his face and body, checking whether he is alright. A feeling of euphoria fills Neymar's heart because at this exact moment, Leo's attention is all on him, and he ravishes in the idea that he is the only thing right now, that’s on Leo's mind.

Have you been crying?

Has he been carrying? Neymar didn’t even realize. He was occupied with regaining control over his breath he forgot about the flood bursting out of his eyes. And now he is exposed and vulnerable in front of Leo of all people.

I-I was just …I am okay… don’t worry about it, Leo

The crack of his voice reveals the lie he is telling, surely Leo can see right through his act. He shakes his head and lets out a sigh, Neymar interprets it as a disappointment. Maybe he should’ve said that he was crying and came up with some dumb excuse instead of denying the obvious. Now, Leo thinks of him as a disgusting liar.

Ney, come here

Leo’s arms open up and he ushers with his hand for Neymar to step forward. Does he want a hug? What a weird person, wanting to hug the person lying to them. But Neymar can’t refuse such a gift. He gladly throws himself in Leo's embrace and another wave of tears floods his cheeks as he sobs quietly into his chest

What is wrong, cariño?

Nothing Leo, it’s nothing

Leo’s hand travels across Neymar’s back and he slowly traces circles gaining shivers from the younger man. Ney feels ecstatic as he melts into Leo’s warmth and lets his mind calm down for an instance, he lets out a slurred lazy “ I am sorry” and sniffles earning a chuckle from Leo. The vibration of Leo’s chest rocks Neymar back in forth a little, and he can’t help but smile at Leo’s voice.

shhh, don’t be. Just tell me what’s bothering you

Neymar’s head felt light and mushy his thoughts traveling back to the kiss he shared with Leo the day before. His heart ached but was the pleasurable type of ache. And soon enough he found himself blurting

you …

Me, cariño?

Neymar whimpered as Leo stopped stroking his back and nudged closer to him to get more warmth for himself. He lay his head on the crook of Leo’s neck and nuzzled closely breathing in his scent. He was intoxicated, drugged, and he was far from aware of his actions.

Ney, …stop it.

Panic set in as the words ripped Neymar's heart. He backed off pushing Leo's chest away and started jittering trying to leave the bathroom. Leo held his arms to stable him and bring back his attention

Ney, stop it just...

Leo, I am sorry, I am so sorry I just need…. I am sorry

Neymar shouted before rushing out of the bathroom and running down the hallway, leaving behind a very confused and concerned Leo.

Chapter Text

At this point, Neymar's life is definitely a joke.

Neymar walked slowly towards the back of the bus after coming down from his emotional breakdown earlier. He has embarrassed himself in front of Leo and he really doesn’t want to see him right now. He can’t help it, leo makes him …feel things. When not near him he is aware of the gravity of his actions, and how he should stop and clean his act before it’s too late. But once he is met with those dark eyes, so obscure you can feel them suck your soul, his whole plan dissipates into oblivion and he once again is drunk on Leo’s love.

So no, he can’t meet leo this time because he has come to the conclusion that he cannot, under any circumstances talk to leo, at all. Well, that’s easier said than done, Leo is still the closest person to him in the team, but Neymar will sharpen the details of this plan later. Now he just needs to sit somewhere, where Leo cannot get to him.

In the back of the bus, mbappe occupies a seat playing a game on his tablet. Neymar sighs and heads towards him asking him to scooch a bit

Hey kyks, move so I can sit yeah?

Can you sit near the window? I don’t wanna get dizzy

Neymar plops down and leans his head over the window. He can’t believe kylian is passing on this seat, because the view from here to the camp is beautiful, Neymar thinks, it will serve as a great distraction from his own problems.

The bus departs and Neymar makes a conscious effort not to check where Leo is sitting. he puts on his headphones, slides his eye mask, and succumbs to sleep. His mind drifts to the nightmares he always has. Ones where Leo yells at him; and tells him just hows disgusting he finds him. Neymar is very accustomed to this form of torture, he has long accepted it as a fact of his life, something inevitable that is bound to happen. He finds himself staring at Leo, trying to soak his features and fill his heart from the longing. Even when Leo's face is twisted and his mouth is shooting profanities, Neymar still finds himself hopelessly in love.

It’s pathetic, and he is fully aware of that. But he would still do it over and over again. Having Leo come to him in his dreams is as much of a reminder that his love for Leo is appalling, as it is a promise that Leo will always be with him, in his dreams, even if he chooses to cut him out of his life.

The nightmare shakes him from his deep slumber, and he wakes up panting heavily, but he soon regains control over his breathing and calms himself down. He knows the drill, he wakes up panting and starts doing his breathing exercises. breathes in for three seconds, and breaths out for five, and then he is back to a calm serene state. Before the events come gushing through his eyes and tears start sliding over his cheeks.

The truth is, he can’t get accustomed to it. No matter how much he would like to believe he is. His sad attempts of gaining some form of power by monitoring his breathing or by journaling the dream’s events or dissociating while it is happening are nothing but sad. Neymar is truly sad. Even if he succeeds in avoiding Leo in the real world, he will still have to face him in his dreams, and that is just cruel. Because Leo is cruel. Leo is not fair.

He takes off his mask and wipes the tears with his sleeve, hiding them from Kylian’s eyes. Neymar assumes he is asleep because he feels his steady breath near him. Thank god. Suddenly, he hears a burst of muffled laughter in the distance, it’s Hakimi and … Kylian?

Neymar shoots his head to the side and is hit by the soft breath of … Leo.

Did they exchange seats? Did Kylian want to sit next to Achraf? Or did Leo ask to sit next to Neymar?

His eyes are closed so he must have not seen him cry, Neymar thinks. He lets out a sigh of relief and it tickles Leo’s lashes, they flatter slightly but his lids remain closed .only then does Neymar realize just how close they really are. Leo’s head is laid facing Neymar, and his chin is gently touching the younger man’s shoulder. He shudders at the closeness and attempts to back away, but if he does Leo might wake up. Neymar mentally cusses himself, how is he already failing at avoiding Messi?

Having Leo next to him, at this exact moment, feels like a sick prank. How come he is here? After all of Neymar’s attempts of avoiding him and his meticulous plan of sitting in the back next to Mbappe, he still finds himself in such an awful situation. Well, Neymar might call it awful, but deep down his heart is fluttering with joy, thinking about the possibility that Leo asked to sit next to him.

he, however, feels stuck, he should turn his head away and act as if Leo’s breath isn’t giving his neck real trouble right now. But again how can he? Making sensible decisions has never been Neymar’s strength. If he makes another mistake, what’s the big deal?

He leans his head down and lets Leo’s hair tickle his adam’s apple. The friction causes him to let out a small whimper. It’s so soft, it hurts. It feels better than Neymar remembers it to be he always touched Leo’s hair, but never so intimately. he ruffled his hair after he scored a goal, or brushed his forehead against it when giving him a platonic hug but now, there is this other layer of intimacy that has descended on the setting, and it’s making Neymar’s heart feel things.

He sighs into the hair strands and takes a deep breath. Cinnamon and vanilla, I guess Leo likes his products basic, as long as they do their job. Neymar smiles at the idea, that god himself has pretty simple taste, and ignores his anxiety telling him he couldn’t even meet such a simple taste.

As Neymar ravishes in Leo's scent, the older man scooches just a little closer putting his head directly into Neymar's neck.

Oh no. oh no no no.

Neymar slaps his palm over his mouth trying to stop the moans threatening to escape, as Leo’s breath tickles his sensitive spot. He squeezes his thighs shut to control the heat forming in his crotch. His heart skips a beat every time Leo lets out a torturous slow breath, it’s almost as if he’s taunting Neymar. Almost as if, he is doing it …on purpose.

The situation is becoming dire, the moment someone looks at the back of the bus, they would clearly see Neymar holding his moans and grinding on the seat. But he can’t help it, every time he moves his hips, they touch Leo’s thigh, and it sends shivers straight to his dick. Neymar feels his high coming close, and he curls up in a ball and rolls over to the window’s side, letting Leo’s head bob slightly and rest on the seat. He lets out a silent whimper as he comes in his pants, a small stain forming over the area between his legs.

This is shameful, he thinks. Utterly disgusting. How can he come at his friend, while he is innocently sleeping? What in the world is he doing? His hand slides down exposing his swollen blood-stained lip, so raw from all the bitting it endured. His body trembles and shivers violently as he tries desperately to calm himself. Negative thoughts flood his mind, but he decides that he can’t handle them right now. The sticky substance in his pants is enough of torture for now, he distracts himself with the view from outside the window and tries his best not to break down crying and sobbing, begging Messi for forgiveness.

The trees pass by and the waning sun shines occasionally, saying goodbye, as the day comes to an end. He stares aimlessly at the sky, admiring the way the clouds scatter across it. And as he shifts his eyes slightly, he catches a glimpse of Leo’s reflection and he seems to be …staring at Neymar.

Chapter Text

The game was coming to an end. The opposing team’s players formed a defensive block as psg players drove heavily into their box, trying to break this negative draw, before Leo scored a breathtaking goal. Neymar ran towards the Argentinian who was swarmed by a group of players. He tried to infiltrate this pile of bodies but couldn't and soon everyone dispersed leaving him yearning to hug leo. He always looks forward to these moments, when he gets to give Leo a passionate hug on the field. He missed this opportunity and feels quite shattered because of it.

Lately he has been avoiding Leo like the plague. On the bus, after he spotted Leo staring at him, his heart skipped a beat. He turned his head to be met with a sleeping leo. Was he imagining it? It must be, because why would leo pretend to be asleep after he spotted ney grinding next to his thigh. Why didn’t he yell at him and scream just like Neymar knows he would?

The incident served like a slap that brought him back to reality. If Leo was to know of his actions, Neymar would be in a terrible situation. One he completely cannot handle. So he avoids leo. He focuses on dribbling the ball, or on making that small talk, or on staring at the sky…anything other than Leo's gaze that burns into his skin. And lord does it burn a lot.

Leo almost exclusively looks at neymar. He has his eyes glued to the back of the brazilian’s nape. Neymar tries to overcompensate his deteriorating self-control by being more of his cheerful, laughter filled person. He hates it. If Leo is looking at him that way, it means he already caught on to the fact that Neymar is ignoring him. And that just breaks his heart. Leo doesn’t deserve this. He is so fucked up for doing this.but, nevertheless, it has to be done.

Moments such as these, when one of them scores a goal and gets to celebrate with teammates, is the only opportunity Neymar has to have some form of contact with Leo, and his heart aches in agony and yearning for such moments. Why must he be robbed of such moments too? Is God playing some sort of sick joke on him? The truth is, he definitely is.

Neymar is back in his house. Since they won the last match, the manager figured they deserve a break. He plopped on top of his bed, thinking about today’s events. He can’t be bothered to take a shower, or change his clothes. He already had a quick rinse in the changing room. That will do him for now.

He cuddles up in the foetus position, trying to gather some warmth. He does this often, as he imagines it’s Leo's body this warmth is coming from. The mask comes off, and the tears soak the bed covers. It is exhausting, having to hide such overwhelming emotion for days. This strategy seems to not be working, because the more he avoids leo, the more he thinks of him. He has reached an all time low, crying because he didn’t get to hug him during a match. Pathetic, Neymar thinks.

On the nightstand, his phone starts to buzz loudly. He turns his body and picks up the phone, eyes blurry from the tears.

Hello?

Ney…

It’s leo

Leo….

Open the door.

The call ends as neymar is swooped back to reality, leo is in front of the house’s entrance, waiting for leo to open the door. Neymar wipes his tears quickly, and rushes towards it. The mirror in the corridor reflects a dishevelled man, and Neymar doesn’t linger on it much. Neymar is eager to see Leo, and get the hug he was unfairly refused earlier.

He opens the door and Leo's eyes widen at the image of Neymar's swollen lips, and reddened cheeks. He raises his hands and cups the younger man’s face, before he breaks down crying.

Ney…

I am sorry- I am sorry leo…

Leo walks into the house, shutting the door behind him and engulfing the crying neymar into his embrace. The brazilian keeps muttering I am sorry while nuzzling closer to Leo's chest and surrounding his waist with shaky arms.

Cariño, please, you are worrying me…

Leo…

Leo pushes neymar slightly to the back revealing his pretty face, he sighs before kissing the tip of neymar's nose. He continues peppering his face until he reaches his lips. Neymar is paralysed with the intensity of the emotions.

neymar..I am sorry, I wanted you to tell me…I didn’t know you suffered so much

Leo backs away looking at Neymar, his eyes pleading for permission, permission to kiss him. Neymar nods in haze wanting to please Leo's desires. And finally they kiss.

It’s soft and gentle, it makes Neymar moan against it. He feels needy, but he is already at his limits. In this moment Leo is kissing him, caring for him, holding him as if he is the most fragile thing to ever exist, and neymar feels ecstatic. Euphoria washes over him as Leo quickens the pace and starts hungrily kissing him, driving his tongue to explore the inside of Ney's mouth.

Mmhm…leo…

I love you…neymar…I love you

Leo moans and breaks the kiss whispering calming heart-fluttering words against ney’s sensitive lips.

I am sorry , I wanted you to tell me…I wanted you to trust me ney…
Neymar’s brain is filled with fog, but Leo's uncertainty brings him back to the real moment. He blurts out in an attempt to reassure his lover

I love you too

Leo smiles gently after being reassured that his one and only can finally say those words, and finally succumb to his desires. After all, God always has a plan. No matter how cruel it may seem.