Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I'll admit I wasn't doing so hot, but the image that came to mind when I pictured myself driving down this barren street had me in fucking stitches. I mean, I nearly fell off the damn Vespa just thinking about it—what someone might see if they happened to cross paths with me.

And the fact that I was now laughing had made it even better. Laughing, and quite possibly a little intoxicated, I realize.

I think back and count my sins as I try to figure out what has me seeing double. I'd taken the meds the doctors had given me, altered the dosage a bit, drank a few of those 90 cal wine coolers, and then poured a shot and a half of vodka into a monster energy; the zero sugar flavour that tastes like fucking crack. So, yea. It was safe to say that my decision to drive somehow managed to come in second, however, the one that had me thinking it was a good idea to just pop in and see if anyone was at the chateau was quickly rising to the top of my pyramid of poor thinking.

God, that alone makes me wanna chuckle, even though the reason why I was laughing wasn't because of the drugs or the drinking. No, it was because I was in fucking hysterics while driving a Vespa, some alternative rap song blasting through my speakers to drown out the sound of my erratic sobs. I mean, imagine that—coming home late after work and passing a drugged out teenager, sobbing like someone just died, driving 59mph on a god damn Vespa.

And now that bitch has a crazy fucking grin on her face as she realizes how hard it is to follow the lines of the road, and she's laughing despite the fact that she no longer recognizes the person behind the wheel; turning the throttle down just a little more as she maxes out the bikes abilities.

God damn.

I pull over to the side of the road, and decide I know enough to not ignore the rising panic in my chest—whether or not I was only on some stupid bike that'd loose a fight against Bambi—I wasn't that far gone just yet.

"Whoring bitch on fucking wheels," I hiss aloud as I stumble over the side of the vehicle; not bothering to question the words that spilled from my mouth, not bothering to question how I managed to find myself in this situation—fucking smashed on the side of the road. What's better is that I'm a mess almost as soon as I stand, tears nearly choking me to death as a wrenching feeling in my gut making me double over when I try to take a step forward; only to fall flat on my face and bring my stupid bike down with me. "Stupid—motherfuck'n, god damn—" my words are cut off by a frustrated cry I let out; or maybe it was a gasp for breath?

Do I call Laurie? I ask myself the obvious question.

No, he expects me to call.

At some point I wiggle my way free and head down to the beach wondering if I still pop by and say hello?

I laugh out loud at the thought of that sight: twigs and knots through my hair, eyes red with tears—dilated from the Xanax... knowing damn well how he feels about that sort of thing.

That feeling twists at my stomach again, and I fight the urge to scream because I really think I fell for that fucker when we barely even knew each other. It was all a lie, everything happening so fast and yet really no time had passed; I had no grounds to base this love, no testament of time, but it was all ignored because of this idea that I could trust him.

It was some twisted fantasy, when in reality I was setting myself up to be broken all because I thought I wouldn't be.

I snap out of my head with a gasp when I lie down and realize I've fallen a little too close to the shore, the waves coming in to pull at my legs and ends of my long hair. The thought of how much sand I now have sticking to my skin comes to mind, but I push it from my mind and giggle at how the waves tickle my feet as they roll in. I laugh, and laugh, until my head falls to the side and I see the figure watching me.

It startles me, but I know better by now. All the things I see while sedated aren't really there, it's how I've been able to keep talking to JJ.

But this wasn't JJ. "I know you aren't real," I whisper into the empty night, "you cannot fool me."

Nick cocks his head towards me, as if to remind me he wasn't the one to blame for the figments of my imagination before turning more to look out into the open water. I see the blood then—spilling from the large dents in his scull. "The boy who did this to me," Nick starts, his hand moving up to gesture to his head, my eyes widening just a bit as it was rare for him to speak. "Where is he now?"

"Somewhere, anywhere..." I trail off, knowing that he was somewhere on this island and despite feeling so far away from me. I hate how my voice sounds in the back of my throat, I hate pretty much everything about me right now.

"Seems like a waste... for all that to come to nothing."

Oh God—I was dead. I was dead and this motherfucker is supposed to be the angel to bring me to the other side. I burst out into another fit of laughter, Nicks lips twisting into a smile as I admire the irony of him being the angel in the end; his favourite nickname for me.

Or maybe it was hell he was bringing me to, which for some reason makes me laugh as well. Was I was already on the other side, talking to the devil himself? "Oh fuck, am I dead?"

I hear a different voice scoff at my question, and the possibility dies in my mind. "You'd be pissing yourself right about now if you were."

I shoot up, the pain in my body returning as I snap out of the semi-conscious daze I had fallen into, turning to look for the owner of the hand that rests on my shoulder. "John Paul the second?"

"Jesus, Lex."

"Doubt that," I breath out, "I know it's you, Francis—only know one Pope. However meeting a Jesus would be cool too I guess."

"I thought I told you not to call me that." He embraces me then, knocking us both into the sand as his body overpowers my pitiful balance. But I still pull him into me, a little surprised by the act, but grateful nonetheless. Maybe, at least, someone still cares after all. "What happened to you," he mutters against me, and as he pulls away I plant a kiss on his cheek.

"I'm fine, silly. Just a little... well it doesn't matter now," I finally decide, twisting my expression to form a crooked smile instead of explaining anything right now. "Surprise," I half-heartedly exclaim with a sad attempt at jazz hands; barely bringing my voice above a whisper, "I'm back!"

"I saw your bike when I was driving, did you crash?" He was clearly more concerned than grateful to see me, should I be concerned as well?

"Oh no, I'm too drunk to drive," I tell him, his eyebrows raising as if to tell me: no shit you are. I grin, gesturing to my surroundings a bit, "just took me a second to, y'know, realize it."

My smile widens when he lets out a short laugh, shaking his head slightly as he mutters something that takes me a second to register in my head. Well you sure know how to make an entrance.

Pope helps me up, and then I'm suddenly walking next to him as he wheels my bike down the empty street; my brush with 'death' clearly not stopping the Xanax from doing its thing. He asks if I'm okay again, and I nod weakly; "never better." God, I can't remember the last time I've been worse. Probably after ending things with Nick, and getting the scar that runs down the side of my face—but even that doesn't seem so bad now.

"So when did you get back?"

I turn towards Pope, "about a week ago... maybe two?" I smile softly, "I must say it's just wonderful to see you; I missed you."

"I missed you too," he tells me. You did? He turns, and I realize I had spoken aloud. "Of course Lex."

"I just..." I trail off, trying to find the right words to use. "I get it, y'know. If you guys want your space or whatever, I was sorta a last minute addition... and with everything? I just—um, I'd get it." I try not to slur my words, but they do as they please and cause Pope to glance nervously in my direction.

"Don't," Pope tells me, "you're not anything less of a friend to me, I'm glad you're back."

I glance towards the road ahead, mostly because I had begun to cry again—a wonderful asset to my personality apparently. "That's uh..." I choke on my words a bit as I try to speak. "That's good to hear."

We pull up to the chateau and I swear not one minute has passed. I feel him shoot me an awkward glance as I stare, "um... they're all inside."

"Ahh," I sigh, finding the point behind his words almost instantly, "I'll just sleep right here." I gesture to the gravel driveway, clearly an alarming statement to Pope as he grabs me before I have a chance to lie down. Was it so wrong to want a bit of beauty sleep?

"Lex..."

"Nah, he made it clear he didn't want much to do with me," I tell him, though I'm sure he'd already been told something along those lines. "Plus like, I don't really want him to see me like this."

Drunk, high on pills—not a good look.

"C'mon," he beckons, "let's just get you inside." There was something unreadable in his expression, but I had no energy left to question or protest so I let him drag me through the front door. I drop onto the pullout couch the second my eyes find it, not caring about the sand or the twigs or the leaves that have clung to me, nor the blood that's now dried to my shins from falling in the woods. I'm shivering, but when I touch the back of my neck I feel my hair sticking to the sweat on my skin, my lids drooping as I see Pope walk into the kitchen.

Was this all really happening right now?

"Dude," a voice calls out, and even in my dismal state I know who it is. It numbs me, the fear paralyzing my body as I realize I'll be forced to face him tonight. "We were about to go looking for you."

"Pope, where have you been." Another voice fills the silence; unmistakably Kie's. The most I can do is push my dark hair from my face and sit up against the cushions of the couch, best to face the crowds head on rather than passed out on some run down couch.

"Look, why don't we just talk about it tomorrow." I could tell he was trying to be quiet for the sake of my dignity, a wave of embarrassment washes over me as I can picture his point of view for a moment. "She's... um, she's had a long day."

"Who's had a long day?" JJ's voice sends a shock through my body. It was rough, just as I had remembered it; from smoking and all that. I follow the noise, watching as he turns the corner, Kie's eyes finding me a few seconds before his do. She lets out a gasp, and so his head turns to look as well and his gaze lands upon me. For a second, I can't move, or speak, or do anything other than sit there and watch his eyebrows lift and then furrow.

Because it was him, and it wasn't the pills this time; it was him and I was lost in his unreadable expression and the joint he was about to light between his fingers. But then the flame in his lighter dies and I turn away, unable to see the next emotion that flashes across his face and decide I cannot bear it any longer.

"I'm gunna go swimm'n." Because why try to stop the streak of bad decisions I had going for me? I couldn't make myself look like any more of a fool, or so I had thought.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Pope calls out to me, and I think Kie said something as well, but I ignore them both and stagger down to the dock.

And then, I do what was said to be impossible: I embarrass myself even more. I manage to get my pants off, but as I go to the same for my shirt I get tangled in it as I try to pull it off and rather than stopping to fix my problem—I step right off the dock with my shirt caught over my head. I let out a short shriek before water floods over me and I'm forced to deal with the consequences of my actions.

Hey, at least I was actually wearing a bathing suit.

I stay suspended underwater after I get my shirt off—too mortified to face the crowds after putting on such a performance. And I would have stayed too if someone hadn't yanked me back to the surface, a short gasp escaping me as I try to orient myself. "God damn, Francis. Since when can you lift anything that isn't your own two feet," I exclaim, struggling for a second before realizing that I was being held in place.

I hear a chuckle come from behind me, and I turn to find whose arms are holding me up, "Not Pope, but good to know we look alike."

"Yea," I gasp breathlessly, not knowing what else to say; "you two are like long lost brothers." I take a shaky breath after a moment of silence, "I can, um... swim to the side or whatever, I don't need you to..."

"All good, I've gotcha princess." We seem to breathe out at the same time, and it almost feels as if he's pulling me closer into his chest. I stare straight ahead, trying not to read too much into how we have yet to move to the ladder. Because it felt good, him holding me again—Jesus, he was just trying to make sure you didn't drown.

"Hi."

I almost don't register he had spoken, and then I almost laugh at how silly he sounded. "Hey killer." My voice is soft, tentative almost; like he'd disappear if I raised my voice. I was waiting to wake up, or to find out that he was just another side-effect of my medication, this couldn't be real.

I feel his hand reach up, "you err... you have a twig in your hair." He pulls it out, and I almost sense amusement in his voice as he shows it to me before chucking it onto the water.

My head roll back before I can stop it as JJ slowly pulls us both to the dock, falling onto his shoulder with a sigh; "I'm surprised you didn't let me drown."

"Let's just get you out of the water."

Finding my footing, I look up to see Pope and Kie standing at the end of the dock as JJ passes me a towel. "Hey, Kike's," I greet as I get closer, "sorry for, y'know... my entrance."

She runs into my arms before I can say anything more, "Jesus Lex. I missed you."

"Missed you too." We pull apart, though she has to steady me slightly as I sway a bit on my feet. It wasn't awkward per say, but there was some unspoken thing that seemed to linger in the air around us, reminding me of how the past few weeks had gone down.

"C'mon, lets get you back inside," Pope cuts in as I see Kie look back to him as if she was asking him what to do, taking my arm and leading me into the chateau. I want to ask how that's going—him and Kie—but I hold my tongue and take the clothes Pope hands me instead. "They're JJ's," he says, but he didn't have to tell me for me to recognized the scent of Old Spice, firewood, and grease from working on boats and cars... bit of weed, bit of pine as well.

I replace my bathing suit with them regardless, the flannel and sweatshorts much more comforting than my bikini, and fall back onto the pull-out couch in an attempt to stop the room from spinning. It only occurs to me after a minute or so that there was still a person standing in the room after Pope and Kie bid me goodnight, turning to look at him, I find his eyes glued to me as if he was trying to figure out what to do next.

I smile weakly; "gunna watch all night?"

"You certainly know how to make an entrance."

"Second person to tell me that today," I chuckle, watching as he step towards me to kneel beside my bed.

"You know, I missed you too," he tells me, and tentatively pulls a strand of hair from my face—his thumb lingering to stroke my cheek. I don't have the strength to roll my eyes, so I just frown instead. "What is it?"

"Why are you... I thought you didn't want me to come back."

It was maddening, how he had basically told me he never wanted to see me again and then goes on to act like this, like he still cares... but I was too worn down to try to raise my voice. And even though I would never admit it, I was savouring every moment of JJ Maybanks presence.

"I didn't..." he looks off into the distance as he thinks for a second, his hands still cupping the side of my face. "I wanted you to come back, Lex...it's just hard to explain right now."

I sigh; "cause I'm drunk?" He shakes his head slowly, and I know why there is a pain in his eyes. "Am I scaring you?"

His brows soften; his hand moving to run itself across my cheek again and I know then that I am.

"I'd rather be scared than not know anything at all."

Chapter Text

**JJ**

Hey killer.

The words run through my head over and over again. Hey killer. Even now as she sits there watching me with those fucking eyes of hers, I can't quite wrap my head around her being here: in the chateau; in the palm of my hand. I wish I could tell her everything right now, I wish I could just fucking explain how much I missed her; how every God damn day served as a reminder of her absence.

I wish I could take everything I said and did back. Because I didn't mean it, I didn't want any of it. And yes, she was scaring me now. It didn't take a fucking genius to see she was high on some downer; probably drunk too. She looked thinner (not that I was judging her appearance or anything: she still looked good as a fucking mess), and her wrists were all bruised to shit. She was worn in, worn down; like she had been dragged through hell and then had to do an algebra test or some shit.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, bending down a bit to get closer to her ear, "I'm so fucking sorry for everything."

"I'm supposed to be mad at you," I hear her tell me, "you really just... I mean ouch."

I didn't know if I was mean't to laugh, but her words bring a smile to my face; "ouch?"

"Yea: ouch," she repeats, grinning a bit herself before her smile falls again and the smallest bit of light that had been shining through dies in her eyes. "I lit a candle for your birthday." Her voice cracks, "I was hoping that maybe you'd..." That I'd call. I should have, and it wasn't like I didn't want to either. That made me want to ball my guts out right then and there, and I hardly ever felt like crying.

"Why don't we talk about it in the morning, princess." She reaches out and grabs hold of my wrist, holding it so my hand stays pressed to the side of her face. "Hm? Don't you think you should get some sleep?"

"My hair is all knotted," she says to me, "and I'm supposed to be mad at you." She pauses for a second, "too much energy spent on the idea of you... it's hard now, all hard now." Her lids flutter, "if you wanna stay, there is room on the bed."

She doesn't need to ask my twice, and I don't bother to remind her that there's now an extra bed with John B... gone. I want to ask what she was on about with the 'idea of me,' I want to ask what she was on. But I do neither and move in next to her, her head instantly falling to rest on my chest, just as she'd done every time we'd spend a night together. My heart leaps as I find her in my arms again, and I have to look around to calm myself; "you gunna go to bed, princess?"

She was already asleep, her one hand resting at the base of my scull with her fingers still tangled in my hair. I don't bother to sit back and wonder how any of this is happening, and instead find a brush Kie had left on the coffee table and try to brush out the knots in her hair.

I don't fall asleep until I'm done, but when I do I swear I sleep better than I had in weeks.

**^**

I wake up before her, her eyes still shut peacefully as I watch her chest rise and fall. Neither of us had moved, but her hair was dry now and I could see her a bit better now that the sun was shining through the windows. Fuck, it really was her. I brush my pinky finger along the length of her nose, wishing I might be able to count her freckles as I graze over them. I always liked how they seemed to collect right at the bridge, and how she always seemed to burn her lips in the sun and they'd swell like she'd spent the whole night macking.

And sometimes she had. I smile as I move my thumb along her bottom lip; remembering how soft and full they felt on mine (God I miss that). I raise two fingers up to press against her lips and kiss my skin, wishing I had the moral indecency to just drop my hand and taste her this once.

But it felt wrong to violate her peace, and so I pull away and go back to pretending I'm asleep.

She wakes up a short time later, and it took just about everything in me not to open my eyes. But we were sharing the same bed—it was only right that I keep my eyes shut for old times sake. Maybe she'll touch herself like that first night we had slept together... again, for old times sake of course; my stomach twists as the imagery comes to me.

"JJ?" I don't speak when she asks, and feel her sit up a bit, feel her eyes burning into me as she studies my acting. Her hands run through my hair: once, twice, and the third time she kept her hand at the base of my skull and kissed the skin right above my eyebrow.

My act was believable, but then she pulls away and lets out a sigh as she stumbles out of bed. It stung, the realization that things are different now, and I'm left to sit there—awkwardly pretending to be asleep because I was dumb enough to think I'd open my eyes and she'd giggle at how she was fooled again and kiss me good morning; like nothing had happened at all.

I finally roll out of bed and try again in the kitchen, turning the corner to find her making a coffee in the kitchen. "G'morning, princess."

She stares at me for a second with a deadpanned look on her face; "hi, JJ."

My gaze shifts towards Pope who's shifting his weight to sit on the kitchen counter, "how are you feeling Lex?" He asks as he gets comfortable.

"Oh just wonderful, Francis. Could just 'bout run a marathon." She pours the pot of coffee into a mug, "I'll be out of your hair in a sec, just let me wake up and all that."

"You aren't in anyone's hair," I tell her; which for some reason reminds her of her own. Her head cocks when she realizes she can run her hands through it, and her eyes flash towards me for just a second before she must've decided it wasn't worth asking about. "I mean, you're acting like your some stranger."

"Well, JJ, you made it pretty clear you didn't want to see me again," she retorts quickly, the cup of her coffee spilling a bit as she leans forward to speak and I step back as nausea settles in my stomach. "And since no one else bothered to correct him..."

"We didn't exactly have a change, given that we didn't know how to contact you," Pope cuts in.

"Instagram?"

"Yea, well JJ didn't want us to."

She turns towards me; "it's not like that, I..." I stumble over my words as I feel her gaze on me. "It's complicated."

"Complicated?" She shakes her head in agitation, "please; don't spare me with some sheltered version of the truth, I don't need it."

I swallow hard, watching as Kie comes into join us. "What's up?" If she senses any tension, she's pretending she doesn't as she pours herself a bowl of cereal. "How are you feeling, Lex?"

"Just great," she mutters, letting her head rest in her free hand. "Look, it's been wonderful to see you guys... I really fucking missed you all; but I think I should go now."

"Why do you think you should go? We have the whole day," I protest and block the door with my body. "Don't go." Please don't go.

"No, because I was clearly some subject that was mean't to be ignored and..."

"Well, there was a lot of stuff to process," Kie cuts in, "we just didn't want to add—"

"—I was a burden you couldn't handle, not a friend."

"No! You just weren't here and it was hard. It was all hard and we were just trying to help each other out where we could. For JJ; it was better to just go with what he wanted."

Her eyes ignite with anger, "well that must've been nice—having people and all that." Guilt washes over me now, guilt and fear as I had never quite seen her so mad.  It was pure; unhinged, as her cup was practically shaking from being held in her hands.

"Don't do that," Kie mutters, shooting an apologetic glance my way before turning back to Lex; "I'm not going to apologize when you only knew either of them for how long? A couple months? You don't get to compare—"

"—Yea well, I don't believe any amount of trauma can excuse you for being a jackass. So don't coddle JJ and tell yourself that you can do no wrong because you're grieving." She was seething now, blindly putting her cup of coffee down to run her hands through her hair; "don't tell me you were in the right."

Kie opens her mouth, but she seemed just as surprised by Lexi's outburst as the rest of us; "Lex..."

"People can go through hell and still be a decent fucking person," she snaps before her eyes meet mine again. "I thought you knew that, though."

"Lex," Kie says again, but this time Lexi has time to take a breath, and looks wildly around at the rest of us. But just as quickly as she had lit up with anger, she was beginning to come down just as fast. "Lex," Kie repeats for a third time; "I didn't mean to upset you."

No one ever does, Lexi mutters under his breath; and I couldn't help but agree with her. "I'm going to go," she tells us, and this time no one protests; "it was nice to see you all. I'm..." she takes a shaky breath and furrows her brow in an attempt to compose herself, "I'm sorry."

I was too.

**^**

"Ok, what the actual fuck was that?" Kie waits for her to leave before turning to the rest of us, the surprise dying in her eyes as it's replaced with anger. "She shows up here, high and out of her goddamn mind—"

"—Well she didn't show up," Pope argues weakly; his protests laced in fear for the girls reaction. "I brought her back."

"Yea, well... she had no right to come here just to yell at us, I mean, it's not our fault she had to go," Kie continues on. "We didn't want her to go! And now she's acting as though we were never even friends—like seriously? I mean... what was she even on."

"Pills, I think." My response comes out a little unsteady, causing both Pope and Kie to shoot me a sympathetic look. "Don't do that," I snap; "she was right about something y'know? You shouldn't be defending me Kie, I know I didn't handle it right and I think you do too. But you start attesting to my honour and all that and then you're in the wrong too."

"How am I in the wrong?"

"Well for starters, you made it sound like she didn't have a right to be grieving—"

"—Well, it isn't the same!"

"You're right, doesn't mean it isn't comparable. Are you forgetting about Nick?" God, and Nick was my fault too. Why did she even want to come back when all I seem to do is hurt her. Why did she come back? God, I can't even answer that.

"We all watched what happened with Nick," Kie fires back, now on her heels as her own morality is being questioned. And I knew she didn't mean everything she was saying, but ever since John B and Sarah Cameron she had started to become more rash with her words; started to state things she didn't actually believe just to state something. I could tell she was loosing her shit like the rest of us, and was refusing to admit it.

"Okay," Pope cuts in; slightly alarmed with what had just came out of her mouth. "Let's listen to what you just said again, and really think about that for a second."

"I didn't mean..." I see her try to calm herself down, "no, you're right—she's been through a lot; I just wanted to point out that we've all been."

"I think that's what she was trying to get at, no?" Popes question makes her snap her mouth shut to think for a second; "look, it's no secret that trauma brings people together, so I really think putting things into a linear perspective is a little unfair to her. She mean't a lot to both John B and Sarah—she means a lot to me as well."

"But now she doesn't like us." Kie's voice cracks, and I watch now as she begins to cry in the middle of the kitchen; "and she seems all messed up—it's just, I feel bad."

"I think she's more under the impression that we don't like her," Pope points out. "She seemed more defensive than anything, not exactly hateful." His eyes land on me; "maybe you could put that mouth to good use and explain your reasoning for all this? Cause I certainly can't."

I blink slowly; "I've been trying to figure it out myself for weeks now, ya think it's suddenly going to come to me?" Shaking my head, I fight the urge to throw a tantrum, nothing in my head lining up or making any sense—and it was frustrating. I was... upset.

I don't know man, I nearly flunked english last year.

"Look," I decide, "I'll try and straighten things out with her, you guys just try talking to her again. Explain you don't fucking hate her or whatever, Pope, use that thing about the trauma; she'll like that."

Pope rolls his eyes, but nods his head anyways. "You think she's okay?" We both turn towards Kie's question. "Like seriously," Kie says; "I've never seen her get mad like that, or be so..." Reckless.

"All we can do is hope she'll trust us again," Pope mutters. But I can tell he was thinking the same thing we all were.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

ONE WEEK AGO

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate your pain?"

"I'm sorry?" My voice sounds foreign to me; raw with emotion, like it was gnawing at my throat. My eyes dart around the room, falling momentarily on the nurse who appears to be checking my vitals. "What's... whats going on?"

Pain. I repeat the question back in my head, but still can't give a good response. My vision blurs; was I crying? I can't move to touch my cheek and confirm my suspicion, so I just sit there pretending I can see until my eyes adjust.

I see her smiling softly, the warmth of her expression nearly concealing the pity in her eyes; nearly. "I'm sorry, I worded the question wrong. You say you've experienced depression?"

I've been hurt... I know that much, but I can't quite put it into words.

"Yes... I've uh," I pause to think of the words that sit on the tip of my tongue, my mind begging for me to just let go. "Diagnosed," I finally find the word, "MDD; Major Depress..."

My voice fails me again, but the nurse lady assures me she knows what I'm talking about. I want to repeat my previous question, but I hold back in fear I'll sound crazy enough to get emitted. "Anxiety?" I snap my attention back to the nurses voice as she asks me another question, nodding to give her the satisfaction of doing her job. "Do you think you can rate those two things on a scale of 1 to 10?"

"Five." I feel her watching me closely, and I guess whatever performance I'm giving her isn't selling my words, even when I finish my sentence with a crooked smile.

"I need you to be honest with me," she tells me, her voice slowly falling further and further away from me until I have to make sure she even spoke at all.

"I've been through worse."

I've been hurt, but I've been through worse. I wonder if telling the truth would help, "can I say something without getting in trouble?"

"What sort of trouble?"

"I don't want to get sent away... again." It's getting easier; the sentences form in my mouth without having to pick each word. Yet still, it takes so much effort to keep my eyes open, to remember that I can still control them myself.

"Unless you are a danger to yourself or others you don't need to go anywhere you don't want to."

Thank God for overrun mental health services.

I sigh slowly, "I can't tell you how I feel right now... because I don't even know where I am."

"It says on your file your prone to dissociation, is that whats going on right now?"

I keep my eyes looking straight ahead or else I'll be rude and roll them in her face; was it not her job to know these things? Was she trying to be fucking sarcastic? "Depersonalization disorder and dissociative amnesia," I tell her, "it should be in my chart."

"Stemming from c-PTSD and BPD."

"The BPD stems from the c-PTSD as well," I quip back, feeling a twinge of annoyance by the fact the nurse is asking questions she already has the answers to. "Which is basically a bunch of letters that tell people I don't deal with stress very well," I add in a softer tone, realizing that I had raised my voice.

She looks back down at her notebook to scribble something in the margins as something dawns on me: she was a doctor, why was I seeing some random doctor? "Is my family doctor away or something," I ask her.

She shakes her head, "no you are." I catch her watching me closely as I try to figure out what she means; was I at a walk-in clinic, a hospital? A sigh escapes her lips, perhaps an expression of defeat? "Do you want me to tell you where you are?"

At least her bluntness rules out any possibility of her being some strange breed of therapist. The last of my senses are returning without me even realizing they were gone in the first place as I open up to the possibility of grounding myself. "Yes."

Touch: my hands clasped together, digging into my palms with enough strength that makes me pull away when I realize what I was doing. At least I wasn't adding to my collection of bruises on my wrists, the narrowest parts of my arm practically black from things getting bad again.

"Your mom got sick, Alexandra, do you remember finding her?"

I forgot what the point of that statement was, but I wince as I feel it now, everything my brain knew better than to leave uncensored; my mom... the blood; the days it took to wash its stain from my skin.

I tell people that I'm used to it by now, just to make it easier. I think I've told everyone in my life that exact lie at least once—I think I can only find one exception to that list of people.

And he wants nothing to do with me now.

The worst part of all this was that I had wanted something to go bad, I remember that now, I wanted to prove that we weren't functional in LA. I told myself that I could handle whatever it was, because whatever it was would be the key to getting what I want. "Your dad explained to me that the event took a toll on your health, and thought it might be better to take you home." Home; that was what I wanted, what I'd endure anything for.

Sound: the crunch of the weird paper rolled out down the length of the examination table every time I shifted my weight, the ringing in my ears finally low enough for me to hear how fucking annoying that noise was.

"Home?" The memories started to flood back, my eyes suddenly brimming with tears again.

The doctor nods, "you arrived in the Outerbanks yesterday, your brother took you here this morning when he found you crying on the bathroom floor."

For a second I don't know how to react, feelings that feel old are new to me in this moment, my thoughts and memories falling back into a more normal system of hierarchy's. And yes, I can remember last night as well, the thought making me burst out into a small fit of giggles, "oh yes, of course I remember."

"Your father gave me a list of medications he wants you to be prescribed with."

"And is that... allowed?"

I feel bad for asking, realizing that I don't know how much of a choice my dad gave the woman as guilt betrays her expression. But she just brushes me off, "your brother can fill them for you, but I'm going to suggest you take it easy for a couple of days; reorient yourself."

Reorient myself; how was I meant to reorient myself when time felt so relative. I blink, trying not to pass out when I stand, blindly taking the prescription and stumbling out of the office.

**^**
PRESENT

‘On a scale from 1 to 10, how bad would you rate the pain you're in?’

I open my eyes to find myself underwater, the rush of cold that leaves me gasping for the air I cannot get tempts me back to the surface of the water. But I don't give in just yet, and I cherish the harsh burn my eyes receive from the salt.

My breath settling until all it can feel is the sting of ocean water and I think back to the doctors question again. Though she must have asked it a week or so ago it still plays back in my head like the words had just left her mouth.

I'll be honest, I hadn't expected waking up next to JJ would hurt as much as it did, how hard it was to dismiss his behaviour as nothing more than him being civil. And the others? I wasn't sure how to interpret their actions either.

But I definitely couldn't just rate the pain with a number, or any of the pain I had experienced for that matter. It would be too... simple. 

I make my way up to the surface, a strangled gasp escaping me as I'm forced to keep my head above the small waves.

"Trying to drown yourself?"

"Maybe. Think it'd be more effective if I could borrow one of your weights?" I yell back to my brother, pulling myself out of the water and onto the dock as he approaches the end with a towel. It takes me a second to realize he's not alone, and my eyes fall on Kie and Pope lingering a few steps behind him. 

"You're friends are here." Laurie states the obvious, waiting for my reaction after hearing how this morning went.

Is this a 4? 5? 9? It all felt the same to me, whether it was a bad score on a test or watching my boyfriend take a bat to my ex's head; pain was pain. Right?

I take the towel, acknowledging both of them with a small smile; "greetings."

They both exchange a look, and I see my brother holding back a laugh. "Alright, well then," he manages to say with only a slight hitch in his voice; "I'll leave you guys to chat if all is good here."

I nod, letting him walk away and leave me awkwardly standing at the end of the dock, trying to think of what to say. "I'm sorry 'bout this morning," I finally say. "It was wrong of me to go off on you guys."

They exchange a look, "we want to show you something," Pope tells me. "Can you come?"

"I just have to be at the country club for 2, my brother roped me into going with him." They nod and I change quickly, trying to do my best and ignore my heart beating at an alarming rate. I glance over at the pill bottles I had left discarded in my closet, wondering if I should take a few now as I've already fucked the dosage up enough to have my hands shaking; the lights that illuminated the room hitting the backs of my eyes when I turn them on and I cringe away like I'm some sort of fucking vampire.

But I return to my living room empty handed, watching as Pope and Kie admire the beauty that is my boathouse. "I forgot how much I missed this place," Kie tells me when she I catch her eye. "I mean, we came by a few times while you were gone; but it isn't the same without you."

"Plus we were usually trying to get JJ out of bed," Pope adds on, the mentioning of his name making me wince a bit.

"He would sleep here?"

"Sometimes, I think it was kinda hard for him though. I mean, this place is... awesome. Really. But it got sorta depressing when you left," Pope tells me. "It's not now though, real airy now, minus the booze."

I glance over at my ever growing collection, "yea... I've been having a moment." There was no point in lying to them after last night, and it wasn't like I had to go into details or anything; "you know how it be."

"Lex, we're sorry too, honestly," Kiara tells me; "it's been hell without you." I glance over at her, seeing the tears pool in her eyes; "I... I'm sorry you had to leave and we didn't call, I really am."

"Kike's it's chill I overreacted—"

"—No, you didn't. I did," Kie cuts in. "It all happened so fast and you scared us a bit—I was overwhelmed and I lashed out. I don't have much of a tolerance for much right now."

I laugh lightly; "me neither."

We share a smile before Pope clears his throat and my attention turns to him. "You know that time doesn't mean shit to us right? What we've been through, together? That's the type of stuff that bonds people for life, Lexi."

I take a breath as I wipe the single tear that had rolled down my cheek away, "are you saying we can thank Nick for our everlasting friendship?" Maybe it was how weepy my voice was, but for some reason it had us burst out into a fit of laughter as we made eye contact; my legs moving to embrace the two of them as I wish to hug them both sober this time. "So what is it that you wanted to show me anyways?"

When I pull away, I see my two friends take a second to compose themselves before Kie responds; "c'mon, we'll show you." I follow her to the car, which was the same one Pope had driven his first time experimenting with the devils lettuce and was still looking a little squashed in the front.

I hop in the passenger seat, my eyes landing on Pope through the rear-view mirror and I nod my head towards Kie as if to ask the question about the elephant in the room. His brow falls and he brushes whatever I've implied off with a wave of his hand. They must have not gotten together after all. "Alright boys and girls," Kie exclaims as she starts the car; "fasten your seatbelts."

"Yes mom," I tease, rolling my eyes at her as she shoves me off.

It was the first time it had felt somewhat normal; being back with them that is. I could tell they were still off, probably just as they could tell the same for me, but I had to give John B and Sarah some of the credit here. It wasn't my presence that silenced the car ride to the chateau, it was the hurricane that continued to ravage despite being long gone.

"We're here." I glance out of the window before hopping out of the car, trying to see where Pope was leading me to as I followed him out. My pace only slowed when I began to approach the tree he was now standing in front of with the realization; "It's for John B and Sarah Cameron."

I swallow hard, reaching out to touch the tree now flawed in the shape of a heart, my touch outlining the words that had been carved in with a pocket knife. "Jesus."

We sit there for a while, Kie joining us with tears in her eyes and she tries her best the still her body for the sake of our presence. But I barely noticed her, I barely noticed either of them as I feel myself falling to the backs of my eyes. Something tries to alert me back to the surface, an arm wrapping itself around my shoulders—probably Popes—but it's no good. Time was relative, I was relative. I close my eyes; where does this fall onto the scale? Does it count where you don't feel anything at all?

I finally take a breath, though I'm sure I had been breathing before—this is the first one I feel. And then another, my chest rising to take in as much oxygen as I can before it falls back in place. "You should probably get back." I glance over at Pope when he shows me the time.

Jesus, we had been sitting there for almost an hour.

I nod, doubting a voice could come to me even if I tried to call it, worried the same might happen to my feet when I try to stand. But Pope helps me up, and lets me lean on him as I stumble back to the car.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I changed, not because I wanted to look like a kook, but because I knew how to play this game. The goal was to look rich, not to fit in, I had no desire to seem approachable to any of these people.

"You look ridiculous."

I glance over at my brother as I shut the car door; "Laurie, you might like men, but you're crazy to think I'd actually take your advice on how to dress."

He rolls his eyes; "This is a fucking country club, not Paris fashion week. You look like my European aunt I'm being forced to hang out with."

"Your hot European aunt," I correct, tilting my shades down with my pointer finger and letting it rest on the bridge of my nose so he can see the amusement in my eyes. "I don't plan on getting invited back."

"Can you at least wear the blazer properly," Laurie asks; gesturing to how I have it draped over my shoulders instead of just sticking my arms through the sleeves. "It's unsettling to look at."

"Unsettling?" Wrong, my brother corrects for me; just feels wrong. "Pretty sure that's OCD," I tell him; "and I like it better this way."

"It's going to fall off." I tell him it's not, and he has to tear his eyes away from me before he feels obligated to argue further. He was funny like that, never wanting to admit stuff like this drove him insane. I used to watch him spend 10 minutes on his dress shirt every morning, re-doing the buttons until they slipped into the hole the way he wanted them to. He glances over at me again; "I meant to give you this earlier."

He passes me a phone, "I already have a phone, Laurie."

"Dad said you needed an upgrade." I scoff, knowing damn well it was his attempt at reaching out and comforting me. I had told him what would happen if we went back to LA, with mom on the edge as it was, it was an accident waiting to happen. "And he was also wondering if you would see mom."

"No."

That was the end of the conversation.

We pull up to the yellowish-coloured building, Laurie killing the engine and hopping out before I can convince him to turn the car around. Damn. I instantly spot Topper as he sees my brother, exclaiming something I couldn't quite hear and embracing Laurie when he reaches the top of the stairs—the way guys embrace, with that weird pat thing and a little too much aggression. He sees me after; "Lexi Aldridge," he calls out. "Have you come to grace yourself with your presence."

We weren't overly close this summer, me and Topper. But he never lingered around me like Rafe Cameron did, so I felt comfortable hugging him back when he opens his arms. "It's been a second," I laugh when I pull away; "hows it been."

He shrugs, his face falling a bit as he meets my eye. Sarah; of course. To have your girlfriend go off with some other guy is one thing, but for her to be willing to die by his side... that's gotta feel like shit. "Yea," I breath out; "it's shit I know."

"You guys were friends, no?"

I nod, "yea. But she was always nice to me before we got close."

"Well that's Sarah for you; nice to everyone, no matter who they fucking are," Topper mutters, and I swear I see tears prick his eyes. I glance over at Laurie t0 see him grimace when he realizes Topper was on the verge of crying.

"C'mon man," Laurie tries in a lighter tone; "food always helps."

**^**

Topper cheered up after a bit; I on the other hand only got worse. For starters, I came to the realization I couldn't fucking stand Kelce, nor the other bitch at the table who's name I couldn't quite remember. It had to be fucking Emma or Emily... or one of the E names.

I sat next to Laurie, spending most of my time setting up the phone I had suddenly been gifted with; transferring all my information over.

"And will you be having anything?"

It takes me a second to realize the waitress was talking to me; "do you have coffee?"

"We do."

"I'll have one of those then," I say; "black."

The waitress nods, but I see Laurie's jaw clench as he turns to me. I look at him like I don't have a clue as to why he's staring me down, "you're seriously just getting a coffee?"

"I'm on a California diet," I tell him with a smile, making sure to lower my voice when I speak. But I still hear the girl asking me what the diet consists of, the first words she had spoken to me all afternoon. I act deaf; "what?"

"Well you're like my goal weight," she tells me, and I can't help but grin in satisfaction to see how it killed her: not being the prettiest in the room. In these moments I swear I felt like God; fucking with those who are used to being the centre of attention—who felt like they worked to be the centre of attention. "Like you should honestly model or something."

My mom was a model. No way in fuck I had any intentions of trying that one out.

I take my sunglasses off around the same time someone asks if I'd like my glass of water refilled. "It's not a diet, I was joking," I tell her. "A California diet is just coffee and cigarettes."

"God I hate cigarettes, can it be any form of nicotine?"

"I'm...joking, I was making a joke," I try to explain while turning towards the waiter to tell them they can refill my glass—a sharp yelp escaping me with the realization of who was standing beside of me with a pitcher of water in his hands. I nearly fall out of my chair, my brother attempting to compose himself as the odd laugh escapes him. "Jesus," I exclaim after my heart starts to beat again, glancing around to see that everyone had turned to look and see what the commotion was about. "Christ, JJ. Don't scare me like that, I think I just had a heart attack. What are you doing here."

He snickers, though it sounds menacing when mixed with his bad mood that's evident in his expression. "I work here," JJ tells me, raising his eyebrows as he has to point out the obvious and gestures to his shirt. "Now. Would you like some water, princess?" He annunciates each syllable, equally amused and pissed off by my presence. Of course he works here, you had to be invited to join; the distinction between him and I glaring us down as he holds a pitcher of water in his hands, clearly offended by something.

It wasn't like it was my fault we were in this position, though; him working while I make lousy conversation with Elizabeth or whatever the fuck. I feel the eyes of the other kooks on me as I pause before responding, watching as JJ's jaw hardens when I meet his eye. Oh for the love of God, is he really going to be bothered by this? I raise my drink and smile sweetly, "I'd love a refill." I wave my glass impatiently when he doesn't move right away, cocking my head as if to say: you wanted to be bothered, no? I'll bother you.

He fills it and I look away, glancing over at my brother as he shakes his head. "Do you know him or something," the girl asks me.

"Oh yes," I sigh, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I form my lips into a tight smile. "Unless I'm supposed to pretend that I don't," I look up at JJ when I speak, watching as he finishes pouring my glass and his gaze flickers to meet mine. "You never made that part clear."

He turns his head when I do, mimicking my expression; "Are you sure they allow a dress that short at the country club?"

"Are you saying I'm dressed inappropriately?"

"I'm saying you look fucking hot, princess," JJ tells me, lowering his voice slightly as he catches my brother eye. I can't help but tear my eyes away from him, blushing at how he looks at me, cringing at his words. "Oh come on, don't deny it now."

"I'm not denying it I'd just like you to shut your mouth," I grumble; secretly wondering if he was genuinely giving me a complement.

"Yea okay," he chuckles, glancing around at the kooks who stare in mind confusion. "I'll see you around, no?" It was the one time I sensed it, a sorta fear in his voice as he lowers it slightly. I glance up, because to me it sounded like he cared.

I should know better than to get my hopes up about that type of thing, though. Right?

"Yea, I guess." I keep my voice level, my expression unreadable, not willing to show how little he has to do for me to believe his intentions are still good.

"Good," he starts to turn away, looking back over his shoulder before going to the next table; "cute cowboy boots by the way."

Damn him. I just shake my head, taking a sip of the water he poured before Laurie speaks up; "I thought you said you weren't getting back together."

"Never said we were," I tell him, which for some strange reason my words make him chuckle.

"Yea okay, Lexi." Clearly sarcasm; I give him a good shove to tell him to drop the judgement. It wasn't like I was just going to bend (over) to JJ's will, he can't just... fuck, he's looking at me. I try my best to stay in my seat when I see him beacon me to follow him, but it was useless; a simple excuse to leave slipping from my tongue before I can think twice, and I'm walking down one of the empty hallways of the country club.

I feel him pull me off to the side, a little in the shadows as a column hides us from view. "Hey," he whispers, quickly letting go of my arm when he see's me wince; "sorry, Lex." He casts a quick glance down to my wrists, swallowing hard before looking back up at me.

"Hey." Is all I can say.

He repeats after me, possibly forgetting he's already spoken, scratching the back of his head when he realizes I'm waiting for him to start talking. "So um, how-how was LA?"

"Fine." Annoyance pricks my skin, digging harder with every breath I take. "How was Chlamydia?"

"Gone." He doesn't fall for the obvious trap to get him riled up, though I can tell by the way he swallows that my words made him recoil. "You... what did you get up to ther—"

"—Don't. Stop act like you care when you don't." It bugged me, seeing that look in his eyes—the one that made him look like a kicked puppy—when he's done so much more damage than a few bruises could.

"But I do," JJ insists, stopping me from walking any further; "I want to know what I missed; everything."

"No you don't." But I realize he's not going to let it go and I find myself racking my brain for stuff I had wanted to tell him. I shake my head, mostly as I try to think of what to say next. "I, um... I'm pretty sure Laurie and Camille got together."

"Okay, that's uh... interesting..."

"No it isn't!" I instantly reply, "it's not interesting because the moment is gone, JJ! It's all just... irrelevant now."

"Irrelevant now? Isn't that why you're mad, because of what I did while you were gone?"

"No, I'm mad because you didn't fucking call!" I fire back, "you acted like I was just this thing to discard once I wasn't a fuckable distance from you and then you had to go and tell me? After weeks of silence? And now you just want to, what, pretend like it..."

"—Like it's irrelevant now?" JJ finishes for me, clearly getting agitated himself.

"No!" But I can't think of the right words to use the wouldn't contradict my previous point, "I just... I just... you know what I mean!"

"Right! Sure, cause that makes perfect sense." We were both yelling now, our voices filling the empty space as JJ's matched the tone of my voice. "It's just wrong because I said I fucked someone, not because I did it. Because I told you, is that really it? Fuck, as far as I know you've been shacking up with someone yourself!"

"I haven't."

"There's no shame in it," JJ presses on; "maybe you should get tested yourself."

"For an STD? Already one step ahead of you buddy. But it wasn't because I slept with anyone new." I pause, watching his eyes fall with a sudden clarity. I felt bad, making him think I had thought so little of him, but there was something satisfying in how he furrows his brow. "It was HOW you told me, JJ. I was... replaceable. I was just another name on your fucking list of people. You told me she reminded you of me, and I know it sounds shallow, but it... you didn't need me when I had felt like I needed you."

"She didn't fucking remind me of you."

"Bullshit," I hiss back, "fucking bullshit! You can't just take everything you said back and expect me to believe you."

"Fine!" JJ's chest rises once before he continues on; "you really want to know what it was? She had her fucking nipples pierced, and I thought if I just stared at them then..."

My mouth hangs open as he hastily gestures to my own tits before he notices how wide my eyes have gotten. "Are you fucking serious? My fucking tits are all you needed? That's fucking it? That's the big resemblance?" He balls his fist as he moves to bite down on his knuckle, casting a look towards me as I speak.

He was thinking of what to say, I could tell in the way his eyes would shift as if he were reading from a script. "I didn't fuck her because of her tits," He finally tells me, his voice not as loud but still filled with vexation. "And your tits are not all I see you as, princess, you gotta believe me when I say that. I just... she mentioned it and I thought of you." He winces as I scoff and roll my eyes, clearly aware of his inability to choose his words wisely and his anger flares up again because of it. "Jesus, Lex! I'm fucking trying okay?"

"Clearly."

He steps towards me then, my back hitting the wall around the same time his hand does; "you weren't something I wanted to discard, Lexi. I couldn't fucking stand the thought of listening to you move on from over the goddamn phone. I didn't want to be there when you realized you're better off without me, so I left you to figure that out on your own."

"You think I wanted to hear about how you've moved on to better things, JJ?"

He flinches at his own words, "people don't come back for me Lexi, why would you?"

"So you just figured you'd just sever your ties?" I expect his to fire back with something to match my anger, but he just swallows hard and responds with a quick, one-off nod. "Why?"

"Cause I'm a mess," JJ tells me, each word annunciated with the same harsh undertone. "And I couldn't handle you leaving and never coming back because I... I felt like I needed you too and I hated it." He takes a shaky breath, and in that moment I see the self-hatred in his eyes—his gaze dropping to look down at his feet before they find me again. "I let my guard down with you and now I can't put it back up."

His words are still laced with venom, but it no longer makes me want to fight back. I shake my head slowly; "I'm still mad," I insist before letting my shoulders fall a bit. "But did you really think I didn't know that feeling."

"It didn't work. Pushing you away, I couldn't forget you."

God, it was ridiculous how easily I let my anger slip away— which almost made me want to start another fight. But I don't. "Well I've been told I'm an unforgettable fuck," I say with as much sarcasm as I can muster; and despite the tension still thick between us, JJ lets out a short burst of laugher. But his gaze hardens when my smile falters a bit, "I mean it when I say I'm still mad at you, though."

He reaches out to push my hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear despite the strands in the front not being long enough to stay. "Yea, I know Lexi." His pointer finger traces the lines of my jaw as his hand lingers close to my face, and I admire how my name sounds on his tongue.

"I was a mess too, you know, I still am."

"I know." His gaze flickers from my eyes down to my lips, but when they meet mine again I feel my jaw go a little slack with the realization of how close he is to me; our noses brushing as he seems to be trying to read my expression.

"Aye, Lex!" The voice calling out has me breaking eye contact with JJ to see who had called out to me, Laurie and Topper standing at the top of the stairs. "You can talk to your friend later, c'mon," Laurie says.

"I should probably go," I tell JJ, watching as a flash of disappointment and... panic? Flash across his expression. "Hey, I'll um, I'll come by later," I assure him, glancing back at the two boys waiting for me before turning my attention back to him. "I don't bail on people."

He nods, but I rush up the steps before he gets any chance to respond and brush off the look Laurie gives me. "Get off my case," I grumble as I press my hands down the front of my dress to flatten the material.

"I didn't say anything," Laurie reminds me, but when I look over again I see Topper hand him a five.

"Oh come on, seriously?"

"You're very predictable." I shove him as he begins to mimic me in a high pitched voice; oh JJ, please love me.

"Fuck off."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I watch as JJ storms out of the country club only a few minutes later, Laurie's eyes glued to me as if to say: seriously? This guy? I knew he had this thing against guys with anger issues, especially when I was involved; something about cycles repeating themselves or whatever, I never really listened to his lectures (clearly). I don't feel like pointing out how much of a bitch that girl was being when he walked by, or how Kelse would raise his voice whenever he knew JJ was listening in, and I just let Laurie think JJ's anger was unreasonable.

But I can see why JJ snapped, though I pretend to be mildly surprised.

It wasn't just John B they were talking about either, and I had watched Toppers fists clench when Elena or Ella or something (God, I really need to learn that girls name) brought up how she'll probably be homecoming queen now that Sarah was gone, how I wanted to scream when she dismissed her absence as nothing more than a way for her to win some stupid title.

She had glanced over at me then; "you wouldn't run, right?"

I smile without any warmth in my expression; "it wouldn't be very fair to the others if I did, no?" I hadn't bothered to tell her only Laurie was going to the Kook academy, at least for the first semester, as my dad has yet to find the energy to argue with me on the subject. Not that I was complaining—I'm just sure he'll get to it eventually.

Laurie drove me home first, but it only took me a few minutes to decide on changing back into what I was wearing before and head over to the Chateau—surprised to find no one was home when I got there. Is this not where JJ usually crashes? I swallow hard and make my way further down the street, reaching the residence of Luke Maybank to find JJ's bike in the driveway.

"You changed."

"Figured I'd be more comfortable like this."

I finally spot him at the entrance, slowly walking out to meet me. "You came." I open my mouth, but any response I had prepared was replaced by a small gasp of surprise when he suddenly embraces me, holding me so tight I can't get any air into my lungs; "I never did get to do this when I first saw you."

I welcome his arms and bury my face into his neck, both of us staying like that for a few moments before he slowly pulls back. "So where is the infamous Luke Maybank, today," I ask him, watching as he shrugs and mutters something about him being out of town.

"Point is, we got the whole place to ourselves," he tells me; leading me inside. Do I remind him that I'm still mad at him? I can't bring myself to do it, because every time I glance over at him my heart softens just a little bit.

I find the place a little more cleaned up then when I last saw it; "have you been staying here?" I ask.

He nods, "the Chateau is fine when Pope and Kie are there, but when they're gone it's just depressing." He looks over at me; "yours wasn't much better."

"Yea well, LA was probably just as shitty."

I sit down on the couch, taking out my source of nicotine and inhaling it's contents. "You weren't being serious right? With that girl you were sitting with?" I ask JJ what he means before I'm reminded of the coffee and cigarettes joke.

I laugh, though it comes off humourless as there was some honesty to the simple comment I had made to Laurie; "doesn't matter, I'll kick the habit eventually." He moves then, sitting on the surface of the coffee table across from me, making sure to face me with that fucking look in his eyes, again; the one that really does make me believe he cares. "Not that it matters," I add in a lower tone, mostly to remind myself not to let my heart flutter, but I know JJ had still heard me.

There is a moment where JJ just stares at me before he gives his head a shake and his tongue clicks against the back of his teeth. "God, can we stop with the whole 'I don't care' thing, just for a moment at least?" JJ exclaims, his voice loud enough to have me flinch back into the cushions of the couch. "Cause I do care," he continues on when I try to argue back, "and I've explained why me fucking ghosting you wasn't because I didn't, like, I'm not saying it was right or anything, cause I know it wasn't right! I fucking hate myself for it, but it wasn't because I didn't care."

"And you never thought to clear that up with me? You think I didn't care too?" I scoff when he doesn't respond, "you really think I didn't care?"

"Why would you?"

"Why would I not," I fire back, as if the thought was too crazy to even consider; "I mean I fucking love you, you idiot."

"Well guess what, princess! I love you too."

My eyes widen as soon as the words leave my mouth, seeing as JJ does the same and we're left to stare at one another in silence—focusing on the sound of our winded breath that filled the room; what resulted from raising our voices.

He moves first, and it doesn't register why he's standing until he's pulling me up with him, the force of his strength flinging me into his chest—his lips on mine before I can blink. But he kisses me, his free hand moving to hold me along the jaw, my mouth falling open as his overpowers me—leaving me at his mercy, in his control. He pulls away slightly, dragging his lip along mine at such an agonizing pace I let out a whine—my mouth still agape from his touch. I feel him smile against me, and he closes his mouth just enough to press a soft kiss against my bottom lip, before his nose grazes mine, moving to do the same to the top.

Oh fuck, the way his tongue shapes the roof of my mouth as it dips in and out, how I feel his fingers dig into the side of my waist when I run my hands through his hair. My skin burns as I feel his hand run itself along the width of my back, my body sinking further into his embrace as I feel his shorts begin to tighten—a groan on his lips as my hips circle into his.

I don't think about the things I said, his mouth was always a good distraction; I remember that much from the summer. His hand that used to just rest under my chin extends to tighten around my neck, a grin slowly forming on my mouth now as JJ begins to kiss me harder; faster. "Someone's needy," I whisper against him.

He pulls away, his eyes blown out in lust as he stares me down, his thumb moving to brush my bottom lip and his mouth falls open a bit. I feel my heart beating out of my chest, trying to remember how to breathe properly as he buries his face in the crook of my neck, marking my skin with his mouth. "I've missed you," he murmurs softly against me, but pulls back when he feels me tense up at his words. His hand tightens around my neck, and reality seems to force its way back to me; "you don't believe me?"

I don't respond right away, because I couldn't believe him, it'd kill me if I did and he broke me again. "You don't have to..." I trail off, realizing he's still waiting for something more. "I'll still want this, even if your feelings for me have changed."

"You think I don't know that," JJ snaps, his arm bending to pull my face closer to his—his fingers digging into the sides of my neck. "I know better than anyone how I could still get you under me with talk of how I never wanted to see you again. I've seen you take it rough, why would I lie when I could have you either way. I've fucking needed you, Lexi;" there is a moment where his voice cracks when he says my name, but then he shakes his head and his eyes return to their regular fury. "And you thinking that you don't mean shit to me has me just about ready to fuck you through a mattress, but I want... more than that."

"Fuck me through a mattress?"

"I've had it with you telling me I don't care," JJ continues on; "they're my god damn feelings, you think I'd be telling you I fucking missed you if it wasn't true?"

I shrug; because he was right. He could have me either way—I just fucking proved it to him. "Yea. Okay."

"Okay," he responds, nodding his head once; a little violently. "So you're going to let me be all affectionate if I want to be affectionate."

"Okay." If it was any other situation, I'd probably laugh at how aggressively he demanded a chance at being soft; but I don't, and I let out a breath as it's my turn to kiss him now, my heart taking off as I know I'm giving in. "Okay, okay—I-I need you now," I whimper against his lips as they brush past mine, a slow breath escaping him before he kisses me again; cutting me off as I repeat myself over again.

"That can be arranged," JJ tells me between breaths, a low moan escaping him shortly after as my fingers press into the v-lines of his torso. He nibbles at my ear before beginning his trek down the side of my neck, pressing red marks into my skin; lingering in one place when he finds the spot that makes my eyes flutter shut.

A thought suddenly dawns on me. "I didn't... um..." my words are paused by a gasp I let out as he grinds into me; "I didn't get tested cause I thought you got with her before I left."

I feel JJ pause against my neck, pulling up ever so slightly to acknowledge my words. "Is this a necessary conversation right now?"

"It was so I could go on birth control, they require it sometimes."

He moves back at my words; "what?"

I take his hand and run it down my upper arm, showing him where you could still feel the implant. "They like, inject it into your arm," I tell him, watching as he cocks his head in fascination and runs his fingers along the lesion again. "It's like, 99% effective or something," I add, in a bit of a softer tone.

"So like..." I watch as his eyes light up before he can help himself; "I don't need to pull out?" I shake my head, watching as his grin widens until he can no longer conceal it. "Oh fuck, I thought you were trying to tell me you'd gotten with someone else."

I scrunch my nose up in distaste, "oh God no, I just thought you'd want to know that everything's already taken care of."

He picks me up before I can protest; "that might be the best news I've heard all day." I feel my body hit the mattress, glancing around to realize we are in his room.

My clothes are quickly discarded—all of them, but when I try to do the same for him he pulls away. "Lie back," he whispers in my ear as he presses his palm to my sternum, coaxing me firmly onto the mattress; a bit of bite to his voice as his smile fades. He was still pissed off, his teeth grinding together as he takes me in, but for some reason that only gave me more reason to believe that he cared.

His hands travel to my torso, before they roam and I feel his fingers circle my nipple, lightly twirling the piercings before repeating the action with his tongue. I let out a small gasp, his one hand sliding down my leg before lifting it over his shoulder. I can't help but smile when he finally presses his lips to mine, pulling away so he can watch how my eyes flutter when he moves his hand up my leg, his mouth falling open a little as he enjoys the sight. "And you're already a mess," he chuckles darkly, amusement glimmering in his eyes, "dripping down your thigh."

I lock my gaze onto his, "please," I whisper, his eyes widening when he can no longer control himself and finds my clit with his thumb, "please," I moan again as he traces small circles against it to help ease the buildup he's created; his expression betraying how he relishes at the sight before him, his pace no longer so delicate.

"Fuck Lexi, keep looking at me like that," JJ gasps as I stare through the hoods of my eyes, following him as he sits back on his heels to watch his fingers continue to work me in, "you're fucking mine, you understand me?" He shifts his attention back to my eyes, grabbing hold of my leg that rests on his shoulder to pepper kisses up my inner thigh, starting behind my knee without breaking his view of me.

I nod; "I'm yours."

He pauses to bring his fingers to his mouth, "God, you taste so good," he tells me before replacing his fingers with his tongue, the feeling sending a shock through my body as he buries his face between my thigh; the speed of his actions overwhelming me in a few seconds. The short gasps that had been escaped me turn to a moan as his tongue laps at my arousal, lightly sucking and nipping at my clit to delight in the cries I let out in response; my hands running through his hair.

My hips rocking against his touch as the knot inside of me begins to tighten. "JJ I'm—" I squeeze my eyes shut as that feeling begins to climb almost unbearably fast, my grip tightening at the base of his scull as my body begins to chase its release. "JJ I'm going to cum," I manage to gasp, my mouth hanging open as his actions continue to quicken; unyielding to my cries. "Fuck, JJ I—" my words are cut off as my body spasms before going completely rigid, the world shattering around me as the feeling seems to last for an eternity and I'm left clawing helplessly at his sheets. I begin to quiver, my voice returns to me as I let out a gasp, my eyes rolling back when he doesn't stop toying with my clit even after my legs try to close and my body twists to the side.

"JJ!"

He hums in response before slowly pulling away, pressing a few final kisses against my core as he sits up and watches my body relax into the bed frame. He shakes his head slowly; "I'm not finished with you." His words sound like a threat, the look he has in his eyes almost sends an ounce of fear to my nerves when he tells me to sit up. "Come here," he tells me, but I'm happy to oblige, letting him pull me closer to his body.

I lightly scratch him with my nails, travelling to follow the line that points to the band of his boxers. I tug at the material, pulling him closer to me before palming the tent that had formed between his legs. He discards them quickly, and I can't help but giggle as his expression contorts from his attempt to control himself. "Already a mess," I mock the same words he spoke to me, his eyes darkening.

"Now lets not get ahead of ourselves, princess," he warns, prying my legs open as he situates himself between them. My grin falters, his fingers testing my sensitivity as he pushes them inside, a gasp escaping my mouth as he goes onto graze every sensitive area with just enough force to make me shiver. "What's the matter," he smirks at my reaction, "are you still sensitive?"

I nod, my arms wrapping to dig my fingers into his sides as he persists, reminding me how badly I wanted him inside of me as I watch his cock bob in anticipation. He leans in to tease my entrance, the sensation enough for me to cry out softly. "Please, don't tease," I groan as he stares me down.

His lips twist into a wicked grin as he finally thrusts into me, his expression faltering as we both let out a gasp. "Oh fuck you're tight," JJ hisses through his teeth, my head falling back as he keeps his fingers busy while finding a steady pace. My legs curl up to wrap around his waist, my hands moving up his back as he leans over me, a few strands of his hair falling over his eyes. "There you go," he moans as I lift my hips to meet his, clenching every time he draws back, "there you go, take my cock princess."

"Oh God, JJ."

"That's a good girl." He doesn't hold back, driving into me with a force that brings tears to my eyes—his eyes glimmering with satisfaction at the sight and decides it's not enough, my nails digging into his back as he goes faster; his hips circling down to meet mine.

I curse aloud, hastily finding his lips as he pulls me closer, his free arm wrapping around me as his voice starts to sound less and less refined. I watch his jaw slacken and his eyes become heavy, my eyes delighting in the sight before me as the strangled whimper he lets out sends me over the edge, a raw cry escaping my lips before my vision whites out.

"Jesus fuck—" JJ doesn't finish his sentence; his thoughts being drowned out as I beg for him to cum in me, a final gasp escaping his lips before a shutter runs through his body.

We lie there, sorta twitching against each other for a moment before JJ sits up, and I realize he's moved to pull out and so he can watch his cum drip out of me. His eyes light up at the sight, "that's so fucking hot." he giggle like a child, relishing in some urge that's being subconsciously satisfied for a moment before pushing the hair out of his face and returning to embrace me. "That was fucking great."

I laugh at how candidly he put it, "yea," I agree, "it was."

He shifts to look up at me, "you're fucking great."

"You aren't so bad yourself, killer." I smile as he shifts to kiss me, lightly caressing my face before running his hands through my hair. It was intoxicating: the comfort that fell over me as I felt as though I could relax for the first time since leaving this place. Do I have him now; is he mine? "Are you still mad at me?"

"Are you still mad at me?" JJ responds, turning to pull me onto his chest.

"I just don't want you to hurt me, I wasn't trying to invalidate how you felt," I admit softly.

"I was scared you'd hurt me too."

I nod; "but I think it'd still hurt either way now." I sigh slowly, playing with his fingers as they entwine with mine.

"You know what I think?" JJ whispers into my hair, "I think you're much less paranoid then you were 40 minutes ago."

"You're funny." I crane my head to look up at him; "are you saying it was just sexual tension that needed to be released?"

JJ shrugs, "I mean, I feel like I can tell you how much I missed you without you rolling your eyes at me. Which by the way, doesn't feel very nice." I sheepishly apologize again, but JJ just brushes it off. "We do what we know to survive, princess, and for us that involves pushing people we care about away."

We sit in silence for a couple minutes before I hear him mutter something about getting water, but as he gets up I'm met with the familiar unease of wanting him and I find myself following him to the kitchen. I wrap my arms around his frame; kissing his shoulder blades, making him chuckle softly, "couldn't stand to be apart?"

I shrug, knowing deep down that part of me couldn't, while also knowing that it wasn't a rational feeling. "Maybe I wanted some water too," I giggle, feeling him slowly turn around to hug me back.

"Here," he offers, holding the cup for me to drink from and tipping the water down my throat.

He had to have felt a bit afraid: comfort does that to people who aren't used to the feeling. But did it make him want to write out rules, or did it make him want to run away from the feeling like before.

Would he get with other girls?

"Something wrong," he asks softly as I bury my face into his neck. I shake my head, lifting my head up to look him in the eyes with a smile.

Even if I couldn't find it in me to ask for reassurance, I could always just keep him busy. I run my hands through his hair, looking up at him with a playful grin. "Wanna go again?"

"Again?" JJ repeats with a chuckle, sucking his breath in as I lean into kiss his neck; "did someone not get enough the first time around?"

I pull away to glare at him, but as I do he spins me around and sits me on the counter, mirroring my expression for his own amusement. "It's okay if you need some more," JJ teases lightly, "I've got all night."

I smile, shaking my head at how his stupid words effect me, as he continues to kiss my neck and I entertain myself by playing with his hair. "Why don't we go back to my room then," JJ suggests, "smoke or something first."

I pull myself off the counter, but as he goes to lead me back I stop him. "I want you to fuck me in every room of this house."

JJ makes a funny noise as he raises his eyebrows, watching to make sure I was being serious before letting a grin spread across his face, "well, that can be arranged, sweetheart."

"Good," I say, glancing down to see that just our conversation had sparked some life in JJ's dick.

He catches my stare, moving to rest his hands on the counter behind me, "give it a second," he tells me with a quick kiss, holding my chin up so that my eyes don't wander.

I roll my eyes, "why can't I help," I ask, a giggle escaping me as I slide down his front before he can react and sit on my knees, looking up to watch his reaction, "can I help?"

JJ nods slowly, in a bit of a trance as I take him in my mouth, my hand passing his balls as I try to start off as gentle as possible. But as soon as I feel him harden a bit I begin to take more of him, hallowing my cheeks to JJ's great enjoyment as he chokes on his breath. "Easy, easy, easy," he gasps as he trembles slightly at the feeling, "holy fuck, Lex."

I look up at him, "you don't like it?"

JJ shakes his head in amusement, "you are something aren't you."

"I try," I say, taking him in my mouth a few more times before he's pulling me up to stand, spinning me around so that I'm bent over the kitchen counter.

"Every room hm," JJ asks me, pulling my hair back so he can whisper into my ear, "think you can handle that?"

I nod, excitement beginning to run through me as I am once again met with the very uncomplicated feelings of desire. His hand wraps around my hips to find my pussy, a cry escaping me as he begins rubbing me off. "Fuck JJ," I whimper as I feel him stroking himself against my ass.

"Does it hurt, baby," he teases me as it takes all my strength to not buckle from his touch.

I let out a ragged breath, my mind empty except for the craving that travelled to the pit of my stomach. "Don't stop," I whisper, feeling his dick enter me at my request and begin pounding into me without bothering to adjust this time. There was no restrain, no attempt at savouring the moment as we moved almost frantically, getting off on the others urgency.

I feel him take his free hand and wrap it around my neck, pulling me off the counter and onto his shoulder in one swift motion, "fuck Lexi," I've decided that I like how he says my name, "fuck Lexi," he repeats over and over again. "You're so good for me."

I hadn't realized how close I was, but before I knew it I was coming undone on his cock, a low scream escaping my lips as I convulse against the boy that continued to thrust into me, "f-uck," I gasp beneath his grasp.

"I'm not done with you yet, remember?" I nod, and I feel JJ's ragged breath in my ear as I continue to tense up around him, "you said every room, and that's what I'm going to do. Even the fucking porch; wake the neighbours up."

"You can do whatever you want," I breath out—and it was true. For some damn reason I was at his mercy, and I could only hope that he didn't realize it yet.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

When we collapse onto the mattress for the final time, I find myself in his arms; our skin practically sticking together from sex and the lingering summer heat. It might've bothered me if I wasn't literally trembling against him, his own muscles twitching every once in a while as we both pull one another closer, like we could somehow merge together if we tried hard enough. We were too worn in to care, and so the sweat that matted my hair to my neck didn't stop me from wanting to lie in this position forever.

"It's 5 in the morning," I whisper in his ear when I finally check my phone and gasp at the time, a hysteric giggle escaping us both as I show him my screen. "Oh my God," I wheeze, "it's 5 in the morning."

He buries himself closer to me with a small sigh, "I guess that means that we should probably get ready for bed."

"Probably," I agree, though the thought of moving from our current position makes me want to groan aloud. "I don't know if I can stand," I admittedly whisper, rolling my eyes when I see him grin at his accomplishment.

"Want me to carry you?"

"Can you?"

JJ lifts his arms up; "hm... maybe in a moment," he chuckles, his muscles straining from the small amount of work he's forcing them to do. After a moment, I feel him move down the bed so that he's eye level with me, his hand pushing the hair that had stuck to the side of my face away. "You're so beautiful."

"I think that's the hormones talking," I murmur, unwilling to just take the complement; not quite ready to fall for him again, though I'm sure I already have.

It's not like I've ever stopped.

"You do realize that it works the other way, right," he tells me, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek as he plants a kiss on my forehead.

I shrug, unable to help myself; "well then, you're beautiful too, JJ." And he was. I never thought I'd be one to fall for the blond hair, blue eyes, surfing-in-the-sun type of boy, with the classic American tan and puppy dog smile. But, I was fascinated by every part of him, how characteristically boyish he came across while still managing to look so rough along the edges—calloused hands, white scars that prove he's never had it easy.

He shakes his head in amusement, hiding how he blushes slightly at my comment by pulling me closer when I begin to shiver a bit. "You cold?"

It felt like a shock to my system, the sudden come down after being constantly stimulated for hours creating a wave of exhaustion, and as a result, my body seemed to have also lost its ability to regulate heat. I feel him sit up, rolling overtop of me to get off the bed before pulling me into his arms and carrying me to the bathroom. He turns the shower on, carefully putting me down as I let the warm water run off my body, feeling him wash me down before doing the same to himself.

After rinsing off I find the toiletries I had packed in my bag, washing my face and brushing my teeth before following him back to his room. I take one of his sweaters and a pair of boxers to wear to bed, glancing over to see him watching me from afar.

"Cute." I grin at his comment, sleepily falling down next to him and letting him pull me into his chest. It has me swallow hard, as in this moment it feels like nothings changed between him and I, and I'm hooked on that feeling. "Sorry if the beds not all fancy," JJ mutters when I feel him shift his weight; "I know you're probably used to yours."

"I'm comfortable when I'm with you," I tell him truthfully, "and that's all that matters."

He doesn't say anything, but I can feel him relax against me; as if he wasn't sure if he was allowed to before. A moment passes, and I know it wont take long before I'm out like a light.

"Goodnight, princess," he whispers when he sees me drift off to sleep, a sleepy smile forming on my lips as my consciousness wavers.

Perhaps we weren't going to have to talk, perhaps all we needed was to keep the other busy.

"Goodnight, killer."

I try not to think about what it will be like in the morning, and let his breath lull me to sleep.

**JJ**

I don't dare open my eyes until I feel her shift against me, too afraid that it was all some vivid fucking dream and in reality I was just clinging to my god damn pillow. But when I do finally take a look at the girl I've got entangled in my arms, I breathe out a sigh of relief.

I glance over at the clock, stifling a groan as it's telling me I should probably get out of bed; deciding against it when Lexi begins to stir.

"JJ?"

I feel her hum when I press a kiss to her cheek; "hey sweetheart." My voice sounds like I'm still asleep, which seems to make her grin.

Her eyes open slowly to study my demeanour like a puzzle she's meant to solve. I try and grin to ease her mind; "is there something on your mind this fine morning?" She shakes her head, giving me a chance to prop myself up and lean over her. "Cause you look like you have something to say."

I had no clue where things stood with her and I, as last night had taken the tension out of her jaw but her eyes still seemed to haze over whenever they tried to focus. Was this it? Were we only able to stay civil after we've fucked each other to sleep?

Our eyes lock; our vision still dulled by sleep so it wasn't like we were staring, wide-eyed, at one another. Still, in any other situation it would have been weird to just sit in silence, and I would've lasted about thirty seconds before getting bored. But minutes pass without either of us turning away, and I find myself studying every feature on her face with more focus than I've ever had in my life.

She lets out a sigh before finally breaking the silence."We can't be all lovey-dovey one second and then yelling and screaming at each other the next," Lexi tells me, saying things that have already run through my head; "because like... I physically cannot handle that right now."

"Me neither." And my heart takes off at such a pace that I feel it beating out of my chest.

"Okay." Lexi pauses for a second, "so what is it going to be?"

My smile widens in disbelief; I mean shit, did she really think I had to think about it? "I can't think of one good reason to be mad at you," I answer honestly; "and I really don't want to loose you."

"I have no intentions of bailing," she responds, sitting up to wrap her arms around me. "I really missed you too," she admits slowly, her voice cracking as she speaks. "I mean't it, y'know. Last night. Before we..."

I pull away so I can look at her. "So did I." There were tears in her eyes, and I watch them spill over before she can compose herself; a sorta laugh that sounds more like a gasp escaping her as she tries to turn away from me.

"Fuck, don't know why I'm so god damn emotional," she sighs, laughing through the tears. "It's probably just the sex."

"Probably," I agree, and almost laugh as well when I notice that I was close to crying myself. I mean, I had pretty much been on the verge since she had come back, but the though of giving myself such a release only made me angry. I guess I felt like I didn't deserve it.

Maybe if I could just stop fucking up so horribly...

I pull her into me, and the feeling has me loosing control. Because I can handle the release you get from sex (even though there might've been more than one last night), but the relief that's begun to flood through me as I realized I might still somehow have a chance with her has every barrier in my head giving into the feeling. I feel a shutter run through my body, and I try my best to not make a complete fool of myself but still feel a few tears roll down my face; my muscles relaxing into hers before I can stop myself from falling apart.

It was so fucking corny, but I couldn't remember the last time a person's given me this sort of comfort. I don't know if I've ever experienced it, and it had me feeling like I was deprived of some sort of basic necessity, a necessity I've only noticed now that I've had it. So yea, it kinda made me break a little—especially after the weeks I've had to endure without it; especially after those weeks being some of the hardest days I've ever had to get through.

I wondered if she felt the same way. Even after all the things I've done to hurt her.

We stayed like that for a while, before at some point I ask what she wants for breakfast.

"Some devils lettuce?"

"I could pick up and we could go to the boneyard?"

I feel her nod against me, "that could work."

"And then food?" She makes a noise, and I pull back and grab her chin so that she's forced to meet my eyes. "Yes. Food."

"K, fine." She cranes her neck up and pecks the tip of my nose, "let me just get changed."

When we sit up there is a brief moment were we embrace again before pulling away with a sigh and climbing out of bed.

**^**

I feel her watching me as I roll the blunt 20 minutes later, a smile creeping onto her face as I lick the paper down and look up at her. "What are you thinking about," I tease, her grin widening as I show her the finished product.

"Nothing nice," she tells me, pocketing the blunt as I start the run down truck that Pope had left at the chateau.

"Dirty thoughts?" I ask, poking her cheek when she nods her head with a hum. I bite the inside of my mouth so that I don't look like I'm grinning like a total fool, as I knew it was wrong to feel so happy at a time like this, and we both knew deep down that it was just a temporary effect of her coming home. Because deep down, I know it's going to hit me again—John B, my dad, all the things I know Lexi isn't telling me—but right now, everything really felt okay. So we silently cherished the car ride in each other's presence.

I kill the engine when we reach the boneyard, watching as she looks out towards the empty waters. I try not to read into the tremor in her hands, or the shades she wore despite it not being overly sunny outside. I've seen her behaviour my whole life, when money was too tight to even snag a few pills, how quickly the withdrawals seemed to creep their way onto my fathers face. The nausea, the sensitivity, it was too obvious for me to just ignore.

But I don't ask, because if I do, then maybe everything else will come back as well; and I didn't want that. So I just hop out of the car to meet her on the other side, and decide we can let the unanswered questions go unanswered for a little longer.

I find her window down, her head resting in her arms as they lay along the empty frame. When I reach her I step up to the other side of the car, mirroring her position so that I was about an inch away from her face, our noses brushing before I lean over the car door and graze her lips with mine. Her touch lingers after I go to pull away, leaving me dazed from such a small gesture; drawing me in for more. And so when I kiss her again, I make sure to savour the edges of her teeth with my tongue, to hold her head in my hands when we part ever so slightly.

"We're good right?" I ask, "good to try this again," I add when she asks what I mean.

"Yea, we're good." And her head dips to press her mouth to mine, her tongue twisting along my mouth in the way that the French had intended it to. We both pause, taking a second to look at the other before I reach inside and unlock the car door, our eyes never failing to break contact as we share the same knowing look.

I open the door, her arm dropping from the frame and I find her the second the truck isn't between us anymore. I reach out to close the door behind me, missing it the first time as my mind is too preoccupied on the soft moans slipping from Lexi's mouth and into mine. But I get it the second time, frantically tilting her head back to gain access to her neck as Lexi squirmed beneath me; jerking her hips up to find that all the sudden excitement has caused ‘something’ to wake up between my legs. She smiles when she feels it, and I pull back to admire the delight in her eyes, my hand tightening around her neck.

Her eyes gloss over as they shift to look at me, sparking a fever to rush through my body with such strength that I lurch forward to try and get closer, and we begin to stumble out of our clothes; every article discarded leaving us to come back together with more fervour than before. But when it came down to removing my boxers, Lexi leans back when I go to kiss her, a hiss escaping through my teeth as she wraps her hand around the base of my cock and smiles coyly.

My dick throbs as her hand tighten and she works up to the top, her thumb swirling around the tip as precum leaks onto the pads of her finger. I can't help but buck forward as she repeats the action, a sharp gasp escaping me as she looks up at me through the hoods of her eyes. My gaze trails down the front of her naked body, my hand kneading her tit before tilting my head down to suck on what's in my grasp. She moans quietly, her hand speeding up before hooking her leg around my waist and testing my balance. I stagger sideways, ready to brace myself before I find myself already on the seat; Lexi now on my lap, straddling me just below my dick.

I take in her features, my right leg twitching as she passes the head of my cock again, her name on my tongue as I can't think of a better word to moan.

Lexi. Lex. Princess. My princess. I swear she's all I'll ever need to get off. My two fingers trialing down the front of her stomach, ending where her legs part, and I look up to see her watching me. Her jaw goes slack when I stop, my stomach tightening when I catch sight of her inner thighs slick with excitement. "You want me to touch you?" I tease her, tapping between her legs when she doesn't respond right away.

"Yes, JJ. Yes," she gasps, rocking against me when I don't start to move right away.

"That's it, use your words," I breathe out, circling her clit as her free hand fans out to push at my chest, and she shifts her weight to her heels. My mouth hangs agape at the sight, how her thighs tremble at the feeling as she rocks into my fingers; her eyes rolling back with a soft mewl on her lips. She was unreal, the type you'd only expect to see in a painting or sculpture, so perfect you're forced to stare.

"Look at me." She does what I ask, and I strain my neck so I can hold her gaze.

Everything hits me at once, pleasure nearly paralyzing my body when I notice how her touch has my ears ringing, how my cock throbs a little more every time she brings her hand up to the tip. I wrap my hand around her wrist, stopping her mid stroke as I feel my abs tighten from her grasp; an odd wheeze sounding from the back of my throat as I realize that in focused on her, I hadn't noticed how close I was and nearly finished right there. "I wanna fuck you so bad," I tell her truthfully, making sure to find her from under the strands of hair that had fallen in my eyes. She pushes my hair back with a smile, moving forward to slide along the length of my cock; letting out a soft groan as she gets off on grinding along it.

But I needed more, I needed to be inside of her. "Please, Lex." The words slip out before I can stop them, and I suddenly feel so agonizingly vulnerable I'm blushing without even knowing why.

"I thought I was supposed to be begging for it." Her eyes flare in amusement, and her hand trails up to cup the side of my face and caress my cheek. Words don't come to me, but it doesn't matter as she tilts forward and sinks down on my dick as it springs up; pressing her forehead to mine as we both let out a gasp.

My hand reaches out to hold the back of her head and keep her close to me; "who says I was begging," I manage to chuckle. But, as my words roll off my tongue she pauses at the top of her next stroke, wiggling back and forth just to see the desperation bloom in my eyes.

"You know you want me," Lexi grins, eyebrows high and her mouth still open like she's about to say more as she watches me shift to try and relive some of the tension that continues to build.

I ball my fists; "Yea," I say after a moment, my voice weirdly high and full of want. "Yea I do."

She circles down again, my hands wrapping around her waist to coax the movements out of her, like I was still in control of her despite loosing it myself. She repeats the action again with more speed, and my body's trembling as if I had just came right there. "Oh fuck, you look so good like this," I moan, moving to wrap one arm around her back and use the other one to find her clit. I wanted her to get off, I looked forward to that moment every time we fuck: that look in her eyes the moment she realizes she's about to be sent over the edge, how she falls to my disposal when her body begins to spasm, and I'm left wondering how long I can keep going before she finds it to be too much. And then I just want to do it again.

My head falls forward to rest in the crook of her neck, and I watch how her body billow into me like the ocean water.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

My eyes squeeze shut for a second, the feelings that wash over me were strange, foreign, and perhaps it was just the position I wasn't exactly used to, or maybe I had forgotten what it feels to fuck with so many feelings attached, but I felt like I was bound to her will. I feel her chest rise and fall, listening to her exhalations as they climb and she begins to cry out at every stroke. My eyes flicker up to see her looking down at me, pleasure distorting her expression in such ways that force me to feel every sensation running through my body. When I go to take my next breath it leaves my lips as a whimper, my arms tightening around her waist as I give up on trying to sound normal after making a few attempts to correct it.

I could cum like this, looking up at her until I'm wrung out beneath her, moved to noises that I know will make me cringe later on. But I could let her see me like this and I think I'd be okay with it.

I just don't know if I have it in me right now, and as I realize she's close, it's too much for me to give into. I want her to be left vacant beneath me, clinging to me like there's no other option.

I give into instinct, flipping us over so she's lying across the seats of the truck, my dick remaining in her so that I don't miss a beat and can hold her underneath me.

It's only moments later that I hear her let out a sharp gasp, cutoff by a shock seizing her body, and her muscles contract against me; against my cock as it pounds into her with such intensity that her body tenses for another few seconds and I hear my name in the back of her throat—raw and desperate. I'm teetering on the edge, my arms beginning to shake as I remove my hand from her clit and hold her into my chest.

When I cum, I jerk forward with a yelp, and my body's begging for me to yield as I drag the orgasm out with erratic thrusts.

My head falls to the side of her neck, my forehead pressed to the seat of the truck, and she's telling me to stay buried in her for a little longer. I listen, and slowly lift my head to press sloppy kisses to her mouth, grinning; pulling her closer to me as if we could stay like this forever.

Forever and ever and... oh God, this monologuing really needs to stop. Because I've barely had her for a month.

"We should probably put our clothes on," she points out after a moment, trying to wiggle out of the hold I have her in. She laughs when I protest, throwing her head back and giving me the chance to pepper her neck with kisses. She laughs harder, "JJ, I'm being serious. People could see."

"They could've also seen me balls deep in you a few moments ago, this seems like the better option, no?" She shoves me and I pretend to be hurt by the blow, but I can't quite get rid of the smile that refuses to leave my lips. "I missed you," I whisper in her ear when she lets me close to her again, and this time she doesn't tense up or flinch away from the words.

"I missed you too." She pulls back to look at me, leaning in to kiss my forehead; "I love you."

I swallow hard, "I... love you too." We just look at each other for a second, and I feel that familiar effect relief has on me taking over again. "Fuck, don't make me cry again."

She smiles softly, running her hands through my hair once before nodding, "I wouldn't dare try such a thing."

Chapter Text

**JJ**

She's really shaking now; like, barely able to hold the blunt between her fingers type of shaking. Neither of us say anything about it when she passes it back to me, but I feel her watching me from the corner of her eye when she has to rest her arms on her legs.

"So," she says after a couple of minutes, "school tomorrow, no?"

"Fuck, don't remind me," I tell her. She smiles weakly, and I move closer to wrap my arm around her, holding up the blunt for her to see; "wanna hit, princess?"

I get a light shove for that one as she remembers the first conversation we had that summer that now feels so long ago. Still, I keep it out for her as she nods after a moment, letting her inhale through my fingers so that she doesn't have to try to steady her hands, and because I liked how her lips graze my skin when she breathes in. "You know, I'll be going to your school."

Now that did surprise me; "how'd you pull off such a feat? I thought you were destined for mini skirts and ties."

"My dad didn't feel like arguing about it, I'll probably get trapped into it next semester or something. But for right now..." she trails off, her eyes fixed on something in the distance, despite there being nothing there. She shakes her head, brushing whatever it was off and turning back to me. "Point is, I'll be with you guys."

I grin, killing the last of the blunt and tossing it into the sand, ignoring her tell me how I shouldn't litter and instead pull her into me; kissing her check as she gets comfortable. "Is that a stick and poke tattoo," she giggles, glancing down at my leg when she sees my shitty handiwork. "Oh my God it is."

"Yea, haha laugh away," I chuckle, nudging the side of her head away from my shoulder before she nestles her way back to the curve of my neck, her hand running down my calf to admire the words inscribed into my skin: P4L.

"You should go over it," she tells me, "so it'll last." She tucks her hair around her ears, showing me the side of her neck, "mines already fading." I remember the tattoo now, the letters A.N.G.E.L starting just below her ear, now barely visible. "It's okay though," she tells me; "Nick sorta ruined it for me."

His nickname for her, I see how she falters slightly with his name.

I know it wasn't smart to open that can of worms right now, especially with everything else going on. But it has me realize that there's yet to be a time where talking about it worked into our schedule, and I had promised myself I'd bring it up to clear the air.

It felt like the right thing to do, and that's what I need to do with her from now. I hope, at least.

"Do you think if things had gone differently, you wouldn't have forgiven me?" I ask, and when she doesn't respond right away, I continue on; "if I hadn't... protected you;" I ask, refraining from using the word killed. "Or, what if he had never come at all, and it had just been me yelling a bunch of things I didn't mean. Would you have been able to..."

Why does his death seem like less of a sin then all the things I've said?

Because it was like I said: I was protecting her. I don't think I've really come to terms with the reality of what that entailed.

She laughs dryly, "it's more complicated than that." And I now wish I never brought it up, because I forgot how bad I was at handling the growing panic in my chest; I want to go back to just being happy with her.

"What if John B and Sarah hadn't been caught in the storm," I persist with a little more urgency. "Or if my dad..."

"Why are we talking about this?" I see the grimace in her expression; how her nails dig into the palms of her hands. "Please. Don't... today's been going well, lets not ruin it," she insists when she see's me open my mouth to speak.

"We haven't really said a word about it since it happened, Lexi. I never even really apologized."

"Yes you did. You..." she trails off, trying to remember the conversation, trying to push the other stuff away. "You said you were sorry."

It seems to come as a shock to her, as even she had somehow had it in her head that I had done more to rectify the situation. "I think we all could see you just lost your shit—with the hot tub and everything." Everything—which included me nearly getting us all killed; me saying some things I didn't mean. "And... I guess I knew you were sorry," she tells me.

"But I still hurt you."

"It goes without saying that the people I love will hurt me," she says, looking over at me. She doesn't look angry, or sad, just... distant; like she's accepted something she told herself she wouldn't. "You've still hurt me less than they have."

"Bars sorta on the floor, no?"

"You know, that's why I tried so hard to stay mad at you. Because I know it's on the floor, I know I shouldn't just be okay with it but I am." She stares out into the ocean, "you are still the nicest person I've loved."

"You're the nicest person I've loved too," I finally tell her after a moment. And the only one I've really ever felt comfortable with, I add silently to myself. "Do you... want to talk about it?"

"Aren't we already talking about it?"

"I mean that day. Nick."

"You want me to talk about Nick? You already know what happened with Nick, you were there for it."

"I know, but the stuff that happened before." I feel the tension rise between us as I speak.

"Like how he treated me?"

The familiar sense of nausea wash over me; that lingering silence in the air again as my words don't come to me as fast anymore. I wasn't used to being moved to silence, but I also wasn't used to talking about feelings without the odd joke or a bit of light banter either.

"Like how he treated me," she repeats, this time to emphasize what she's trying to say. "You already know how he treated me, JJ. Wasn't that your big punchline?"

"Lexi I—"

"The only person I've ever told that to, was you. And then you told everyone else." She doesn't speak maliciously, but makes sure to not turn to look at me. "I... hadn't even really told myself what had happened; it sorta just slipped out and... It was before I was ready to come to terms with it."

"I—"

"It's not fine, I know that. But it's fine in my standards, so I forgave you," she says. "It's like I said—I've been treated worse; it doesn't hurt me like it probably should. But you have to understand why I don't feel like getting into the real fucked up bits of that relationship with you. Because it wasn't just that you told everyone what had happened..."

"Lexi, you know I didn't mean what I said, right?" I ask, but my voice is too loud, and I think it startles her a bit as she jumps in her seat. "Look, I know this is coming way to late," I try again in a softer tone. "But I'm so sorry for what I said. That's it: I'm so sorry for hurting you like that and I wish now that I could somehow protect you from it; from that stupid fucking line, from all that other stuff about you meaning nothing to me," I ramble on, and emotions crash into me. But I can't let them win this time as I know I don't deserve to break when I'm the reason we're talking in the first place. "Because, I didn't mean any of it."

I hadn't even thought of how it would sound until the words had left me, that day we fought in the van. I had meant to show how I didn't care about keeping her secrets, not that I thought she was responsible for the things that happened between them.

I can't even think of that word in my head now, like I worry she could somehow hear it. Or maybe it's because of the image that comes to mind, and how sick it makes me feel.

She meets my eye for the first time since we started this God awful conversation, and I watch as tears threaten to fall down her face.

She didn't just look fragile, she looked as though she had already begun to break. And I don't know how I could've been so happy a few minutes earlier when all of this was underneath the surface; I don't know how I could've been so happy when I love her and she's crying because of me.

"You were just trying to push me away, I know," she murmurs, turning away to wipe her cheek with the heel of her hand. "I wish I knew why I told you, anyways."

I don't know how to respond, because I wish I could try and tell her that she had nothing to worry about; that I'd never use it against her. "I swear I... I don't know why I was such an..."

"Idiot?" She laughs despite everything; because neither of us can think of a better word to use.

"If I could take those words back—"

"—you would, I know, killer," she murmurs, and rests her head on my shoulder. The silence returns again, but I'm all out of words to fill it with; and she seems to have no energy left to cry. "This is a fucked up conversation," she states after a moment.

"No shit."

"This can't be healthy."

"Probably, not," I admit, "but what are we supposed to do?"

"Try to not fuck up each other's lives, I guess. Isn't that how normal people love?"

"I wouldn't know." We turn to look at one another at the same time, and something about this whole thing comes off as so depressing it's almost comical. I begin to snicker before I can help myself, and though she tries to hold her laughter back, she's unable to control herself and does the same. "How fucked up are we," I manage to exclaim.

"I think that's the most serious I've ever seen you," she laughs. "And I've seen you fucking killed someone."

"I've fucking killed someone," I repeat, laughing even harder as the truth of those words settle in. "I killed your ex boyfriend!"

"And we're laughing," she wheezes, unable to control her voice. And then, neither of us can even form words as we sit there for a good minute, doubled over in how serious the situation should be, but just isn't for us.

We eventually settle down, and she's fixing her hair when I find my voice again. "You know, I really think the worst is behind us," I tell her.

I feel her gaze, but as she goes to respond I hear a voice call my name and interrupts our conversation; and the small relief I feel is now gone.

"Yo, Maybank!"

We turn at the same time, "who is that," Lexi asks me as Ben Denver, and some other workers from the cut approach us.

My heart stops as I catch sight of the girl Ben's got his arm around, and Lexi must've seen me pale cause she asks me what's wrong. "Nothing," I quickly tell her, but the world seems to blur around me whenever I try to take a breath.

God, why today?

"JJ."

Lexi sits up a little straighter when Addison says my name, glancing from person to person and sizes them all up. "Holy shit," I hear someone mutter as Ben dabs me up, clearly referring to the girl I've got sitting next to me. "Who the fuck is that, Maybank?"

"Oh, well this must be that kook you pulled this summer," Ben chuckles, "what's your name again?"

"Lexi," she tells them slowly; "I didn't realize I've been introduced."

"Oh it was a coincidence, trust me, JJ here wasn't willing to share much." Her eyes flicker towards me as Ben speaks, and I bite down on my tongue as I try to stop the world from spinning around me, the taste of metal suddenly filling my mouth telling me I had broken the skin. Lexi sends another worried look my way when the others begin to make themselves comfortable, and I'm forced to act like I'm okay with them joining us; like I hadn't just had a fucked up conversation with my girlfriend and am now forced to deal with more. "So, how'd you manage this anyways," Ben asks, gesturing to Lex like I was putting her on display.

"A'yo fuck off man," I warn when I catch his lingering stare, my voice still a little weak. "What sorta question is that?"

"I mean, if you can go steady with some bitch, whose to say we all can't," Ben continues on.

"Got fuck yourself," I grumble, hiding the anger which had begun to form with the same smile I always had. "I mean it Ben; watch your mouth."

He raises his hands in surrender, but I know the fucker isn't sorry. "What's with you guys and kooks anyways," someone else asks, a few others firing back theories so that I can just sit there without answering the question.

I hear Lexi sigh next to me, and I glance over try and apologize only to find she's off in her own world; blocking this whole thing out.

"Is she mute or something?" Addison. I see Lexi turn to look at her.

"Can't a woman enjoy her high in silence," Lexi asks her, the slur in her voice clearly audible when she speaks, but it only solidifies her excuse of being intoxicated. "I've got nothing to add to this conversation."

"Too rich and pretty to grace us with your words of wisdom, hm?"

Lexi smirks at Addisons comment, "I didn't realize my words of wisdom were so important to... sorry, what's your name?"

"Addison," she tells her, pausing to see if it sparks any sort of reaction before pursing her lips.

I glare at her as her, as she was acting as if she had something she could use to get her way. I remember Ben telling me that she thought we'd be good together, and I taste bile at the thought. I mean, could she not see how it was a little embarrassing for her, did she really think they were in the same league? And hey, I wasn't about to compare the obvious differences in looks or general attractiveness, but as a whole; her place—where she stood in all of this—would be clear to anyone but her. She wasn't competition, she wasn't even in the running—the thought of her doing anything to me made my stomach turn.

So yea, maybe it offended me a bit—this thought that I was mean't to be with someone like her instead of someone like Lexi—though part of me knew she wasn't exactly wrong; I had no right to say I deserved Lex.

I'm forced to look at her now as I try to will her into checking herself. I take her in, noticing the thick makeup she wore, how it could probably be seen in your fingernails if you ran your nail down the side of her face. I know if I was a girl I'd probably be called a whore and all that, so I'll refrain from using that type of language, but it wasn't even her sleeping around that made me dislike her. It was that I know I'd still feel fucking uncomfortable if they were passing out under me.

I think that's what bothered me most about her, how she was... okay with that.

"What's with the stare off," I hear Lexi ask in a low voice, and I turn to realize she had followed my gaze.

"JJ's just pressed cause she gave him an infection," Ben blurts out, unable to help himself. "Haven't you heard the story?"

"Oh." She turns to look at me, and I can't meet her eye—partly because I was pretty sure I was about 10 seconds away from passing out, and I was trying my hardest to not sound like a child with asthma. But mostly because this was now the second conversation that involves my shitty behaviour. "I assumed most of the details," she tells Ben.

"Let's just drop it," I decide, and I hear Addison ask why; oh come on JJ, are you worried she won't like the real you? I roll my eyes, "okay, fuck you for your description of the 'real me.' And this has nothing to do with me sheltering my girlfriend, if you must know, it isn't a very fond memory of mine."

Addison recoils at my comment, causing Ben to burst out into laughter as I've hid my anger in sarcasm. "Oh come on, how do you even remember anything?"

"I don't need to remember to know that I don't wanna revisit the story."

"You don't remember anything?" I turn towards Lexi as she speaks, her eyes wide in surprise.

"Well... pieces," I stutter out.

"It's how we fuck on the cut," Addison tells her; "though I doubt JJ shows you anything too rough. Is that why he likes you, all naive and pure?" I don't bother to tell her that Lexi is the furthest thing from naive; or pure.

"Well it's hard to remember anything when you're passed out, ain't that right Maybank?"

"Are you actually bragging about how he doesn't even remember fucking you?" Lexi ignores the snickers that rise up among the group, the obvious jokes about how forgettable Addison was I'm sure; keeping to the original point Addison was making. "Sweetie that's not a flex, that's a felony."

"You wouldn't understand," Addison tells her.

"I wouldn't understand... what exactly?"

Addison doesn't respond, and then, the conversation shifts to something else. We both sit in silence for a few minutes before I feel Lexi tug on the sleeve of my shirt, "c'mon, let's get out of here," she tells me in a low voice. I don't need to be asked twice, and pretty much run back to the car once we find an excuse to leave.

I'm already mumbling half assed apologies about how awkward that was, but I'm forced to turn around when she isn't walking at the same pace I am.

"Why didn't you tell me."

Her question stops my mouth from continuing to blabber out nonsense, and I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion, "that I was drunk?"

Was she angry?

I couldn't quite tell; but either way the fear of loosing her hits me again—right in the chest.

"That you were..." she trails off, glancing back at the smokers pit where the others stayed talking amongst themselves.

"I'm sorry that they reminded you of it, I get it if it's... you know... I really shouldn't have done it—I don't know why..." I don't know why I did it. I didn't want to, even piss drunk I couldn't shake the feeling that was telling me to get up and leave. "I didn't want to do it Lex, I—I guess I thought that if I could bring myself to sleep with someone else then I could get over this whole thing and so I kept drinking—kept drinking because I figured at a certain point I'd want to."

She finally meets my eyes again, and now I see it—tears running down her face as she looks at me with this unreadable expression that almost looks horrified. I die a little on the inside, "fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry I shouldn't have gone into details that's... I'm sorry Lex." And I continue to whisper my same apology over and over again as she wraps her arms around me.

And maybe it was the fact that she was crying, or that we were talking about me fucking up again, but I couldn't catch my breath; each attempt burning my throat and leaving me gasping, hoping the next try will give me air. "I'm sorry," I whisper with a crack in my voice as I try not to cry again. "I'm sorry, that they talked about it and now I'm talking about it and..."

JJ breathe, she tells me; just think of your lungs as a box.

"What?"

She pulls back enough for me to see her, taking her pointer finger and drawing an invisible line up as she inhales, across as she holds, down as she exhales, across when she holds again: making a box. "I'm not the one to be comforted right now, Lex." Why did it feel like it was the other way around.

"I'm not upset," she tells me softly, "I've already told you that it wasn't the sex that bothered me—"

"—It was that it was the one phone call I made, I know, I know. But you need to know that Addison isn't like... there's nothing there. I know she was talking like she had something to brag about, but she doesn't. I don't... I didn't ever want her, and I know that's what every guy says or whatever but you have to believe me."

"JJ," she breaths out, "JJ, I don't think you get it."

"Is it because of the piercings?" I know that had bothered her before, even though she shakes her head now. "Because that only happened because I thought it would be easier, and I—"

"—I'm not mad at you." She looks up at me for the first time, and I hadn't realized that I had let tears fall until she takes her thumb to wipe them away. I subconsciously lean into her hand as she strokes my cheek, wondering why I'm letting her comfort me when it should be the other way around. But she repeats herself when I go to apologize, "JJ, I'm not mad, I just wish you had told me."

"That I was drunk?" I ask again.

"That you were unconscious."

I study her expression to try and get at what she's saying, "well like... not the whole time, you know. Really, it was more like a weird dream... really weird fucking—I shouldn't talk about this."

She looks down at her feet for a second, which gives me the chance to kiss the top of her head. "JJ..." I pull her closer to me, hoping that that might do anything at all. She glances around as we reach the truck; "It's not your fault... you and that girl, JJ, I don't know how else to put it. I wasn't joking when I said that's a fucking felony."

"That's... that's not important," I quickly tell her. "I'm just... I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm not going to do anything stupid, okay? You're back, and I've really needed a win. I'm not just going to let you go." And I let the words roll over in my brain again and again; because she was back. I mean, fuck; it was one less person I had to miss.

"I just, I just don't want to loose you," I finally add.

She sighs, opening her mouth for a moment as she considers continuing on with her train of thought—only to close it in defeat and smile softly instead. "I'm right here."

"You know what I mean," I laugh weakly, "can we just... go home?"

"Yea, of course," she tells me before kissing me on the cheek, climbing into the truck with my hand still in hers.

**^**

Later that night, I find myself back at her place.

"Do you have clothes for school tomorrow?"

I nod; "yes, I brought a duffle bag, we're good. Now, can we ride the Seadoo again?"

"No. It's almost out of gas and I'm not about to have it die on me half way to the marina," she tells me. I try to explain that it's really quite easy to just fill it up yourself, but she just brushes me off; "you're just looking for an excuse to not get any sleep."

I roll my eyes; "wanna drink then?"

"Yea, sure."

It doesn't hit me as to why I'm so desperate to take the edge off until Lexi goes to change out of her clothes, and I'm left alone with my thoughts for the first time in 24 hours. And oh God, that wasn't a great feeling at all. I down the vodka soda that Lexi had made, glancing over at her when she returns.

"I never did ask how you managed to convince your dad to come back," I say. "And mom, I guess."

She doesn't respond right away, sitting down next to me with her drink in hand, now wearing sweat-shorts and a sweater. "My mom got sick, again." She pauses for a second, "where did you say your dad was again?"

"I said he was doing some mainland work." I perceive the silence that follows as disbelief in my story, and I look over to see her watching me closely. "He's... well he was arrested."

"My moms in the hospital."

We don't say anything else, because to us that was more than enough information to give. We didn't need anything else.

"Schools going to be weird, no?" I know what she's talking about—John B—how people are going to be watching us, conspiring amongst themselves like he was some true crime documentary waiting to be analyzed.

I nod; "I really don't know how I'm going to do this."

Lexi grins humourlessly, "drunk, perhaps?"

"Perhaps," I agree, and I can't help but pull her closer to me when she finishes her drink. She hums, leaning in to peck the corner of my mouth, and I turn to deepen the kiss.

"You know you called me your girlfriend earlier."

"Was I not supposed to?"

She bites her top lip, and I realize she's trying not to smile. "No, you can call me what you want."

I lean in and press my lips to her forehead, "well then, that's what I want to call you."

"Okay," she says with a bit of a giggle, looking up at me to reveal her smile. "You're ridiculous, you know that right?"

"I know."

She kisses me then, and I let myself be happy again; knowing there will always be time to be sad.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I wake up too early the next morning, still tucked in JJ's arms. It was a great feeling and all that, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't fully mask the amphetamine withdrawals I'm awoken to.

Honestly, it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the growing anxiety of school, of my family... of how long this is going to last before things get ugly again. It was awful, my guilty saving grace was that I wasn't the only one reeling from the loss of our friends, and so I could tell myself that he needed me as much as I needed him right now.

But it didn't stop the panic, and the though of JJ waking up to find me shaking and gasping for air didn't exactly help my situation.

It isn't too bad, I tell myself, which of course prompts the nausea to kick in.

I know I can't stay like this, no matter how comfortable it is to be in his arms, and so I get myself to sit up and rest my head on my knees. I remember the box I'm meant to breathe around, the box I told JJ about. A silent cry escapes me as more and more memories begin to overwhelm me, and I can't push them away so easily now. I suck in through my teeth, forcing myself to keep trying to best this feeling that's clawing at my skin, at my heart, through every nerve in my body.

But after a few minutes I give in and take an Addivan, letting it sit on my tongue till it has dissolved and washing the taste away with a swig of vodka. Gross. I choke a bit on the harsh burn, as I've started to get to that age where I've had one too many bad experiences with Tito's and it's begun to create a lasting effect. I make my way up to my room again, checking the time to find I still have an hour before my alarm for school will go off.

Great.

"Where'd you go?" I can hear JJ's groggy voice ask when I climb back into bed, definitely still half asleep as his words are followed by a tired hum.

"Bathroom," I tell him, and he hums again, pulling me back into his bare chest. "The suns coming up," I add softly, watching its light seep into the room.

"Means we still got time to sleep," he responds, making a happy sound from the back of his throat when I press my lips to his collarbone—the part of his body that happens to be right in front of my mouth. And in theory, it was all mean't to be wonderful; the obvious state of contentment he's in, my own happiness fighting it's way through—all of this should be reasons to settle my nerves. But despite how reassuring his demeanour is, I can't help but notice how the panic doesn't go away. Because what if I loose him? Will I really be able to handle that right now?

I usually scoff at peoples advice towards this sort of thing, but I'll admit I can see why they tell you to avoid relationships if you aren't in a very good place.

Because it's taking a lot for me to not act like a crazy bitch right now; for literally no reason at all.

I sit up to stare at him, his expression beginning to relax, something else beginning to soften as well when it realizes it isn't quite morning. "Go to sleep," I hear him tell me, blindly finding the base of my scull and pushing my head down onto his chest when he feels my stare.

But instead of complying I make my way up his front, landing a soft kiss on his lips when I reach them. His eyebrows raise at my actions, his eyes stay closed in fatigue. I do it again, pressing a little harder this time, the added urge has him starting to kiss me back as I'm pulling away, and he's straining his neck to try and meet my lips again without having to open his eyes. I grin at the small huff he lets out when he can't find me, and I pause for a second before leaning in again.

This time, his hand moves to hold the back of my head so that he cannot loose me, holding me even after I break away from the kiss. "You little tease," he murmurs sleepily, rolling over so that half his body was now on top of me, holding me as tightly as his half-conscious self permits so that I can't pull away. But the new position gives me full access to that sweet spot on his neck and I can't help myself. I begin to lightly press my lips into where the veins flow under his skin, so light that I don't even know if he can feel it until I feel his hips level out against my lower abdomen. "Now I wanna fuck you," he moans sleepily.

"Sounds like a 'you' problem," I sigh, and continue on with my previous actions, trailing a hand down his front and beginning to stroke him through his boxers.

"Ah fuck keep doing that," he whispers into my hair. But I make sure to keep my movements light, almost nonexistent, as an idea comes to mind.

I hear him let out a groan, his hips flexing once more before I begin to pull away. And then I wait, maybe a minute or two so he can drift off to sleep again before wiggling down his front, trying my best to not disrupt his position before finding myself eye level with his cock. I have to lie a bit awkwardly on my side to gain access, but I find him still half hard by the time I can get his boxers down.

I stare at it for a second as I try to think of what to start off with, settling on licking a stripe up his length, my tongue swirling the tip a few times before I let myself take as much of him as I can without having to put in too much effort. I hear him groan softly, my hands coming up to lazily run themselves along his abs, hallowing my cheeks to suck until I feel his hips buck to meet the tip of my nose.

I repeat the action a few times before I pull back, stroking him with my hand so that I can look up and see him, his eyes fluttering a bit in his sleep. My head dips down to suck his balls while my hand moves up to focus on the top part of his dick, the other moving to rest just below my chin. It doesn't take long before I hear him gasp, and when I look up I see his eyes half open, his hand pushing the sheets off of us so that he can watch.

"Want me to stop," I ask him softly, but he answers my question with his palm, guiding my head back down to take him in my mouth.

"Holy fuck," he moans, sleep making his voice all low and raspy. He pushes my head down again, watching to see if I show any objections before repeating the movement a few more times. I take my hand that is still between his legs and let my thumb rub into the skin that lies behind his balls, inducing a jolt to rock through his body. He cries out, exhaustion still dampening his voice, and I bring my head up a bit to just suck on the tip, watching his body flex to try and get me to take more.

I lift my head to catch that look in his eyes, how he shifts his weight from the loss of contact, how his abs tighten when my thumb begin to press harder into him; wondering if I could get him to cum like this. But I'm much too impatient to wait that long, his dick throbbing in my hands as he lets out a small whine, clearly unable to wait much longer himself. I let my head drop again, and this time I don't take my time, half aware of his warning before I feel him finish in my mouth.

I keep sucking until I feel him shudder under me, humming to myself when he begins to curse, which of course only makes him tremble more. I respond to his hands that are weakly pulling me off of him, crawling back up to meet him with a kiss; "morning."

"Morning," he chuckles, his grin a little dazed when I hover above his face for a second before kissing him again.

But, dazed or not, he jokes about how amazing I am before drifting off to sleep again. It lets me rest for now, at least until the paranoia of loosing him hits me again—or in this case, until my fucking alarm goes off a few minutes later.

"Fuck," I curse and shut it off, sleep now begging to take over as I had just begun to drift off.

I hear JJ let out a groan, "I liked the first time better."

I let the brightness of my phone wake me up a bit, looking over to see JJ wasn't making an attempt to do the same. "Hey." I poke his face, "c'mon, you're going to fall back asleep again."

"Well maybe I'm hoping you'll wake me up; again."

I grin, "so you liked that?"

His eyes snap open and he gives me a deadpanned look, "did I like that? Is that even a question?"

"Yea but..." I trail off, trying to find the right words to use; "would you like it if I...erm...if there hadn't been any heads up?"

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I feel him watching me closely. "Like... are we talking pre-determined consent here?" I nod, surprised he understands what I'm trying to get at so quickly. "Yea I mean... I trust you. Would you... trust me with something like that?"

"Yes."

I wonder if he's thinking about Addison, I mean, I know who comes to mind for me when it comes to that sort of trust. "I wouldn't do that, you know," I finally tell him; "what happened with you and that girl."

"Yea, I-I know. Really though, it wasn't a big deal. I know you think that..."

"It was still a shitty thing to do," I say, cutting him off. Whether you think it was fucked up or not, I add silently to myself.

He smiles weakly, nodding a few times before sleepily turning to rest his head in my lap. I can tell he's thinking, and after a few moments he speaks up. "So this... morning routine we've both agreed to; is it restricted to only blow job and such? Or are other things still on the table."

"Are you asking if you can fuck me in my sleep?"

"Yes." I giggle at JJ's bluntness, "I mean, obviously I would make sure you're... like... lubricated..."

JJ has me properly laughing now as he tries to explain himself, the word lubricated doing it for me for some reason. "JJ, I don't want to inflate your ego more than it already is... but you're good—like. Good. I'm okay with you making that decision without me."

I totally inflated his ego, and he spends the rest of the morning proving it with small quips about how good he is to me.

He seemed to be in such a good mood that I almost miss his expression fall when I'm closing the door to the bathroom, or the flask he was putting away when I come out; ready for our first day of school. I settled on a blue and white patchwork cardigan, and jean shorts, gold jewelry and high tops.

Light work. First task of the day; solved. About a million more to go.

"They're here," I tell him, glancing back to make sure he's following me out to meet Kie's SUV as she pulls up.

We pile into the back, and then pretty much ride in total silence.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy—the whispers, the stares, the looks. I study the school as we approach it, realizing that I still had to go and get my schedule, figure out where the fuck my classes are, and everything else you have to do on your first day of a new school—on top of all the other shit.

"Hey," JJ whispers as the car comes to a stop; "wanna ditch?"

I look at him, my expression clearly answering the question for him as he lets out a groan, his eyes flickering towards the dreaded destination before following me out.

"Hey, chill out," I hear Kie say, and I turn to see she's talking to JJ as he takes a drink from his flask.

"If I blackout, don't remind me," JJ tells her, keeping his head down as Kie tells him it wasn't a funny joke.

I don't say anything to her, but I doubt he was joking.

It takes about 5 seconds before my eyes find the tribute dedicated to John B, conveniently located in front of the schools entrance, and I curse the feelings that rise up inside of me, wishing I didn't have to see that before the days even begun. "I feel like people are staring." Kie points out the obvious, but it reminds me to lift my chin, stand straight, and act like nothing is wrong.

"Just act like they don't bother you, that's what I always do," I tell her, running my hands through my hair so that it's out of my face. "C'mon," I say when she gives me a weird look, "never been involved in a scandal?"

I glance up when Pope goes to leave, but Kie stops him, telling him how we have to stick together, that it was the only way we could make it out alive. She holds out her hand, and he takes it; JJ giving me a look when he notices the two. I raise my eyebrows back at him, once again wondering if there's something going on between them. I mean, he clearly likes her, and she's the biggest advocate for no pogue on pogue macking (or whatever the fuck it's called)—so it doesn't make sense for her to kiss him if she doesn't like him too.

I consider it for a second, as it is much easier to think about than what lies in front of me. We had been under duress; John B had just left, his arrest still lingering in the air at that point, which means there is a possibility it was all in the heat of the moment... but would she have really played with Popes emotions like that?

She must like him too, no way she'd jeopardize a friendship just for a moment of comfort, I decide. It just didn't sound like the Kie I knew.

I glance around as Kie leads Pope into the school, JJ by my side before I even realize he's next to me. "Hey, I gotta get my schedule and shit," I tell him in a low voice; "stick with Kie and Pope, alright?"

"Hey, no wait. Sticking together involves you too," he tells me.

"Ok, well, I'll find you after I go to the office," I assure him, picking up the pace when I realize we had started to fall behind. The stares burn the back of my neck more now that it was just the two of us, and I have to wonder if it's even me they're looking at—how could they have even known I was involved? My dad made sure to leave no trace of us in the investigation.

"Careful."

I don't register the meaning behind JJ's words right away, until I realize I've almost forgotten where I stand in this situation. I was the new girl—innocent, vulnerable, a totally new target for people to take their shot at. It didn't matter if they new I was involved or not; I was being looked at for a whole new set of reasons.

"I can handle myself."

But as I veer off from the others, I can't help but wish I was going with them, Kie looping her arm around JJ when he begins to lag behind. I swallow hard, wishing I had said something else to JJ before we went our separate ways; something cute or whatever, something he'd remember throughout the day.

I shake the feeling off, knowing deep down that I didn't need to say anything for JJ to think of me.

It doesn't matter now anyways, I have to focus my thoughts on bigger things, I tell myself. Like figuring out where this God-damn-mother-fucking—oh wait, here's the office, I realize, looking up to find the receptionist asking me what I need.

It doesn't take long for me to get everything required for the year, and after about 15 minutes of awkward small talk with the principle as they show me around the school, I'm sent off to my first class. I nearly let out a gasp of relief when I see Kie and an empty seat next to her in my first period class, showing the teacher my pass before practically running to sit down next to her. She gestures for me to show her my schedule, writing in the margins who I have classes with. 2 with her, 3 with pope, 2 with JJ. I realize I don't know anyone for my last class of the day, which was chemistry.

"We all have history together," she whispers in a low voice.

"Bless."

We fall silent for the rest of the class, which of course means that I'm forced to be more aware of the stares.

I'm slightly surprised by how they linger even after Kie leaves to go to the bathroom, my new classmates voices hovering around me; giving me only pieces of their conversations. Do they know I was somehow involved? I strain my hearing to try to figure out what they are saying, swallowing hard as I realize that they are, in fact, talking about me.

Who the fuck is that... some girl from LA I think... I saw her walking in with the others... yea John Bs friends... do you see the scar... still fucking hot...

The bell rings, and I'm up and out of my seat as I feel like people are rushing into crowd me—not willing to stay and find out if the feeling was more than paranoia.

I find Kie in the hallway, suddenly understanding why she took so long as her eyes are red and puffy as she walks out of the bathroom. My heart sinks, and I pull her into a quick hug, "hey Kikes, you're alright."

"Fuck," she curses, "I really didn't want to cry today."

"It's okay," I tell her, pulling away after a moment. "I'll see you in history, okay?"

She nods, rushing back to grab her books and we go our separate ways.

**^**

I see Pope next in algebra, then Pope and JJ in english.

"What are the chances that JJ's ditched," Pope asks me as we head into the class the three of us share.

I shrug, "alone? The JJ I know isn't big on interpersonal reflection."

"Fair point."

I was right, and find JJ already in his seat when Pope and I get to class: sitting back with his arms crossed, feet on the desk, quite possibly a little tipsy, based on how he doesn't seem to care that the teacher is giving him the evil eye from the front of the class.

"You know, at least when I'm walking around with you I know they aren't looking at me." Popes observation has me glance around the room, finding that it takes an effort to not look anyone directly in the eye.

"How do you know they're looking at me," I ask him.

"Come on," Pope chuckles, giving me a look when I just look at him weirdly. "All the guys are grinning, all the girls are sizing you up."

"Not all the girls," I mutter in a low voice as we take a step into the classroom, not willing to have anyone overhear our conversation.

"Are we talking front row? Or three seats from the back door?"

I shrug, "either?" I turn to one of them, smile lightly as she seems to be one of the only ones not looking at me like I was some parasite. She smiles back, asking me if I'm new as we pass her table.

"Yea I'm Lexi," I tell her, and she gives me her name as well.

See, I tell myself, you can make friends.

I turn to Pope with a grin as I've seemingly proved him wrong, but I'm surprised to see he's just trying not to laugh. "Neither are straight, Lex," he whispers in my ear after letting me have my moment of glory.

"Touché."

But it's only when some guy nudges JJ that he notices me. "Hey, Maybank—look. Look at that chick," the guy hisses, obviously not low enough for me to not notice. "Have you ever seen something like that?"

JJ looks at the guy first before he turns to look at me, his mouth open like he's about to say something before he closes it again and grins. "I was just about to say I probably have," he chuckles. "Hey, princess."

I do my best to give him an irritated look, but it comes off as amusement when he smiles at me. "JJ," I greet, ignoring the odd silence that seems to suddenly fall over the classroom.

I sit down, one row from the front, one row in front of JJ.

"Oh this is going to get annoying," Pope groans and sits down next to me, glancing around in discomfort as we're now being looked at for 3 different reason. God, at least get some popcorn if you're going to be so invested in lives that aren't your own, I want to say, but I keep my mind preoccupied on other things instead.

Like, for example, the distinct sound of a chair scraping along the floor. I turn to look at JJ, not overly bothered by the noise he's making as he get closer to talk to me. "What's up, killer," I only ask.

"How's your day been?"

"About as good as you'd expect," I tell him. "And yours?"

JJ nods; "bout the same, probably." He pauses, his eyes flickering around the room before they land back on me. "I think they're wondering what you're doing. Talking to a guy like me," he whispers, noting how the conversations around us were suddenly much quieter.

"Don't tell me you've got a bad reputation," I gasp softly, sarcasm dripping from my voice, JJ's eyes widening as he pretends to be shocked by my statement; his eyes dancing with laughter as he tries not to grin.

But, the teacher tells JJ to get back to his seat before he gets a chance to respond, and I spend the rest of the class with a smirk on my lips.

The rest of the day moves rather fast, and before I know it I'm listening to the bell telling me I'm late to my last class. By the time I get there, I can only silently excuse myself and get to the last seat available. I find reluctantly sitting myself down next to a boy, dark-ish hair, and ... eyes? I don't pay much attention to any of his other features.

"Hey."

I turn to realize the voice was being directed at me as the teacher pauses for a moment. "Hi," I respond, a little tentatively when I'm met with a flirty smile.

"I'm Simon, guess we're partners."

"Lexi," I tell him, glancing up to see what the teacher is writing on the board; looking for any excuse to not make direct eye contact with him.

"You're lucky, I'm a real wiz at chemistry," he tells me, and I have to suppress the laughter that tries to fight its way out of me.

"Great," I say with as big of a smile as I can muster, taking the silence that follows as a chance to curse JJ for convincing me to be late. I turn back to the front of the class, and try to ignore the fact that I can still feel him watching me, his arm moving a bit closer to mine.

Those 90 minutes had never felt longer.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"Well that was single handedly one of the worst days of my life."

I glance over at Kie as she lights a joint between her fingers in defeat, offering it to JJ after a few hits who then goes onto offer it to me. "Can someone please take chemistry with me," I groan as I inhale the joint.

"Already taken it," Pope tells me.

"I would if I wasn't 95% sure I wouldn't fail miserably," JJ pipes in. I continue the rotation on to Kie after Pope denies. "Is it really so bad without us?"

"Plus, you'll probably end up at the kook academy in a few weeks anyways," Kie points out.

"Thanks for reminding me," I groan; again. "My partner's just a fucking knob," I tell her; "and it's right at the end of the day, like, all I wanna do is go home at that point."

"What sort of knob," JJ asks, subtle hostility in his voice.

"Sorry? How many types of knobs are there?"

"Well there are boy knobs and girl knobs." He waits for my response, before realizing that my silence answers his question. "Okay, whats his name."

"Don't be a dick," I tell him, "like I said earlier, I can handle myself."

JJ rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything else; reaching out to take my hand after a moment without turning to look at me. But I still see him smile from the corner of my eye as I let my thumb idly caress his knuckles, and he gives my hand a light squeeze to show his appreciation for the small gesture.

"So I think it's safe to say that today sucked for everybody," Pope sighs in conclusion.

"At least you didn't cry in the fucking bathroom," Kie complains; "THREE separate times."

"Well Kie, that's quite the accomplishment," JJ chuckles lightly, his head falling to the back of the couch, so that his eyes are now studying the ceiling. "Wonder what the waves are like right now."

"Want me to check?" I ask, knowing how we could all use a distraction and pull out my phone.

**^**

Ten minutes later we were piling into Kie's car and finding the nearest beach. It was easy, letting everything slip away for a few hours as the sun set around us; not forced to think about anything other than the next wave rolling through. When the last of the sun disappears the temperature drops to much lower than I'm used to, and so when we pile back into the car after we've tired ourselves out I'm clinging to JJ for warmth.

And then we're back at my place like we never left, the only evidence was the sand that now clung to parts of my hair. I watch as Kie's the first to get the bathroom, waiting until I hear the shower turn on before I tap Pope on the shoulder.

"So?"

"I don't know Lex," Pope groans, swatting my hand away as he instantly knows what I am referring to. "She's giving mixed signals."

"Well, I don't know! Right after everything went to shit y'all seemed to be... going in the more-than-friends direction. I just wanted to see if..."

"Yea, well, I thought that too," Pope tells me, "but the only time she ever flirts with me is when she's high."

I'm taken aback by what Pope's telling me. "That's kinda shit," I say, too surprised by how Pope says she's treating him to stop myself.

"Yea." Pope pauses for a second before I think he realizes what he said, "I mean, she isn't being shitty or anything, that isn't what I'm saying."

"She's being shitty to you," I argue back; "not saying that she's a shitty person, but, lets not argue the obvious here."

"I guess she's just going through it."

"Yea, well, we're all going through it, Pope," I remind him. "Maybe she's just forgotten that part."

"So she uses me to make herself feel better." Pope asks, his voice raising in frustration, causing JJ to look up from his phone. I try to assure him that it wasn't necessarily the case, but he only shakes his head, now clearly stuck on the point he's come to on his own. "Because if I kiss her back then I'm, what exactly? Validating her sadness? I mean God forbid she'd try to get with me if she wasn't spiralling," he continues on, nearly shouting now as he rants. "She... she knows I like her right? I made that part clear?"

"Pope..."

He swallows hard, apologizing quietly when he realizes how loud he had gotten. I can't help but feel awful for him, because I knew he really liked her... and if she was in a better place perhaps she could see why she was being a bad friend because of it. "We don't know why she's acting like this, okay? Feelings are weird when your dealing with shit."

"Feelings are weird, period." Pope lets his head fall into his arms, giving me a chance to look over at JJ. I gesture towards Pope, and JJ just shrugs as if to say: yea, I don't know what's going on either. "How did you guys... get like that anyways," Pope speaks up when he notices the two of us.

"Get like what," JJ asks him.

"You know, comfortable with one another," Pope explains, "I just feel like unless she's drunk or high, it's exactly like how things were before. Maybe even a little weirder."

"Well, Francis, the thing with JJ and I is that we sorta got 'comfortable' with one another before we had a chance to become friends." I grin to try and lighten the mood, but it doesn't help Popes grim expression. "And people show they care in different ways, maybe neither of you show it physically?"

"So, you think Kie and I wouldn't ever be... like that?"

"Not necessarily. But, I think you guys have to stop thinking of each other as friends first," I tell him, careful not to cross any lines. "And to do that, she can't only want you when she's intoxicated."

"I just can't help but hope it's cause she values that shit so much, you know, the whole friends before relationship thing?"

I shrug, hearing the shower cut off and taking it as our cue to change the subject. "I don't know Pope, I guess you'll just have to go with the flow for now."

Pope hisses something from under his breath about not being all too good at just 'going with the flow', but Kie re-emerges before he can add to the thought.

"I should probably head back," she tells us; "gotta prepare to do the same fucking shit tomorrow."

"You can drive me home, right," Pope asks her.

She nods, before turning to JJ. "Do you need a ride too?"

He gives her a weird look, "why the fuck would I need a ride, Kie?"

"I don't know, I was just offering," she exclaims, saying her goodbyes before telling Pope she'll be in the car. I shoot JJ a look, wondering why he suddenly got so aggressive when she asked; whether or not it was a odd question. But he doesn't seem to notice my concern.

Pope sighs, getting up to follow her out only to turn to me once she's out of earshot. "You know, she painted the word murderer out in front of the Camerons place."

I don't say anything as he leaves, but the look we share before he runs to catch up to her seems to be enough of a response.

"She's..."

"Yea I know," JJ says, collapsing next to me on the couch once it's just the two of us. "I haven't been so pleasant myself, though," JJ murmurs. "Especially not to you."

"Feelings are weird when you're dealing with shit," I quote myself, causing him to smile a bit. "It's okay."

"No, it isn't," JJ says, his expression dropping. "But maybe it will be enough for now."

I guess it was mean't to be another apology, but the words are unsettling to hear when coming from him. It wasn't like JJ to be so... self-deprecating, and I really didn't like it. "JJ, this is going to sound ridiculous; but are you okay? Like actually."

"Are you?"

"That doesn't answer my question," I insist.

"I'll be fine, Lexi." He pulls himself closer to me, "you're back, that's all that matters."

"But it isn't all that matters." I look up at him, "how long were you friends with John B, third grade?"

And the other stuff, I only say in my head, no matter how much I wanted to ask how he was dealing with the aftermath of Nick. How does one's psyche come to terms with taking another's life? Does it help when it's justified?

"Lexi, I don't want to talk about this."

"Okay," I quickly say, "but you should know that I don't expect... I'm not going to be able to solve all of your problems, J," I rephrase, "just like you can't solve all of mine."

"I can try," he grins, raising his eyebrows as he tries to lighten the mood a bit.

He was always good at that.

I match his expression when he kisses me, amusement dancing in his eyes when he pulls away. "At least we're better off than Pope and Kie right now," he points out.

My eyes widen in agreement, "yea, no shit. I'd hate to be Pope right now. Or Kie."

"They'd be alright for each other, though? Don't you think," he asks me, and I know he's just changing the subject as he always does, but I let him do it anyways.

"That's what I used to think," I sigh; "I don't know." I grin to myself as a thought dawns on me. "Do you think its a little funny? How we've somehow managed to get farther than the two smartest people we know."

JJ chuckles softly; "two most rational people we know. I mean no offence to John B or anything, but man could he fall short in that department sometimes."

"Don't forget about Sarah who actually forgot to breakup with her boyfriend before getting with John B," I giggle, brushing JJ off when he reminds me that she was well aware of the situation.

"Only to escape the country with him after going out with him for how long exactly? A few weeks?" JJ thinks for a second; "I guess I'm not one to talk."

The look he gives me makes me grin, "how so?" I ask sarcastically.

"Oh you know, might've killed a guy or two." He moves to sling his arm around my shoulder, "but it was only to make things right with a girl."

"Yea, that's really not helping your case, sweetheart," I hum, but let him kiss me regardless. He only needs one arm to pull me onto his lap, idly pressing soft kisses into the junction of my neck, my eyes thoughtlessly rolling back at the feeling; driven by the routine of our affection. It was moments like this where everything else seemed to slip away, every fuckup, every problem in our lives right now, every reason why we shouldn't be together.

I wonder if he felt the same.

He pulls away, his chin tilting slightly to look up at me. "So soft," he murmurs to himself as he digs his thumbs into my inner thighs, and I lean down to kiss him again as he draws circles against my skin. I feel his grin, his lips moving against mine before I even pull away. "You know, the night is still young," he tells me. "If you want to, maybe, finish the day on a good note."

"Are you asking to take me to bed? Before marriage?" I fake a horrified gasp, "I thought I told you I draw the line at holding hands."

"Holding hands? A bit risqué don't you think?"

"For you? I'd make the exception." I extend my hand for him to take, but when he takes it he uses the hold he has to flip me over his leg and onto my back, pinning my arm on the armrest over my head. He props himself over me, keeping a firm grip on my hand when he leans down and kisses me. I sink into the cushions of the couch, my mouth agape as I find myself transfixed on how I find myself under his control, his teeth sinking briefly into my bottom lip as he pulls away. "However, this," I groan softly as he grinds into me, "might be pushing it."

"Am I corrupting you?" He teases, brushing his thumb along my lips. I don't think, instinctively opening my mouth at the feeling to let his thumb slip between my lips, my eyes travelling up to meet his as they soften in lust. "You like that?" He asks me, his eyes briefly closing to relish the feeling, "oh fuck you do, don't you princess."

He lets his thumb fall out of my mouth, my back arching to meet his hips as his gaze looks me down. He clicks the back of his teeth, "y'look so fucking good like this. All turned on."

I moan as I feel him press against me; "I think I like being corrupted," I breathe out.

"Yea?" He slips two fingers into my mouth this time, pushing them to the back of my throat when I try to find friction in the position we're in.

I can't speak, so I nod against the hold he has on me, my eyes rolling when he finally brings his hips down to meet mine, my cheeks hallowing to suck on his fingers. I moan silently, my attention focused on how he looks down at me with his jaw set in place like he's been provoked, heat growing in the pit of my stomach and spreading to warm my skin. He shifts so that my wrist is now bearing his weight instead of the palm of my hand, his fingers unintentionally wrapping around the bruises I've accumulated.

I gasp, because the pain feels good when he's staring me down like this, moving his other hand down to free my tits from the clothes I'm wearing. He kisses my lips, my jaw, my chin; I watch his head dip down so his tongue can play with the jewelry decorating my nipple. My breath hitches as he bites down, his gaze flickering up to watch my eyes flutter before he moves to meet my lips again; his hand now closing around my throat.

I let out a shaky breath, causing JJ to chuckle darkly. "Dirty girl," he scolds, prompting me to find the buckle to his pants; desperate for more of him as his touch no longer feels like enough. He doesn't move, and instead sits with the satisfaction of watching me madly pull at his pants with one hand while his grip still held the other over my head. He grins when I finally free his cock, dropping the hand that was holding my wrist to trace a line down the front of my body as I wrap my hand around his erection.

I whine, missing the feeling of being held down, but it dies in my throat when I realize it so he can pull my shorts down; letting them fall to my knees, his hands grazing my bare skin. "What's the matter, baby," he teases, his breath hitching a bit as I begin to stroke him off. "Do you need more?"

"Yes, please," I breathe out; "please, JJ."

His fingers dance across the material of my thong, pulling it ever so slightly to the side, "oh come on, I know you can do better than that."

I cry out, "oh fuck. Please," I curse, a sort of haze beginning to form over my sight. His thumb brushes over my clit ever so lightly, and it's enough for me to need his touch more than I thought I could.

"I can't hear you," he sings, pushing me further into the couch as his free hand continues to lightly caress my inner thigh, my waist, anything but the place I really want him to touch.

I cry out, senselessly beginning to rambling as my hand seems to clamp down on his dick. "Please JJ. Please touch me. I'll be so good, I just need you. I need you. I need you, daddy."

He lets out a noise, and it takes me a moment to register why he's seemed to have frozen in place. I blush, trying to steady my voice as I've never really called him that before. "I-I d'know why that slipped out."

He stares at me for a moment, cocking his head and biting the inside of his cheek. "Say it again," he finally asks. He likes it, I realize, he's just trying not to smile.

"What? You like that daddy?" My smile widens as I feel his dick twitch in my grasp.

I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, that kink was bound to surface at some point. Just look at us!

"Fuck, you're amazing," he groans, rambling on senselessly as my grip tightens around his dick so I could continue to stroke him, "you should see how good you look like this."

It takes me a moment to figure out why a wave of pleasure is suddenly crashing into me until I look down to see he's touching me. My body responds by arching into him, and he's sliding his arm around me, pulling me up and closer to him. My hands move to hold him by the nape of the neck, the other finding the skin from under his shirt and racking my nails down his back as I rock into his touch.

He's shifting the grip he has on me, and he's bringing me upstairs, letting me fall onto the bed before undressing both himself and I on his own. His eyes move to focus on something next to me, but before I get the chance to look at what's earned his attention, he's turning me onto my tummy; pulling my hair back so he can kiss my neck. I moan softly, his lips travelling down to my shoulder blade, his teeth digging into my skin. I gasp, and he bites harder, causing me to drive my hips back into him as he lies over me.

He's leaving lovebites on my skin, a line of them travelling up the side of my neck. He stops at my ear, nibbling at it before pulling me up onto my knees so I can shift my weight back and rest my head on his shoulder. And then, I catch onto what JJ was thinking of earlier as I feel something suddenly tighten around my wrist—soft leather digging into the sensitive skin.

"You like that?" He whispers into my ear, his hand gripping me by the chin.

"Yes."

"Does it hurt?" It was still the elephant in the room, not that now would be a good time to start talking about it—so I shake my head no. His grip on my chin tightens and he pulls me to look at him. "Don't lie to me," he warns, his gaze baring into mine. "Tell me to stop if it hurts."

"No please, it's good. Good pain," I gasp, straining my arms to see how it feels if I pull at the bindings a bit to prove my point. "S'all good, daddy."

Definitely feeding into some unresolved trauma. Not that I care about that right now, I was having way too much fun to stop.

JJ smiles darkly, dragging me a bit closer so that he can kiss me. His tongue slips inside, his fingers find their way down to my neck and he clamps down on either side. I let out a happy noise and my mouth parting wider, the act has him moving to focus on my bottom lip.

I taste blood when his teeth break the skin.

He trails his free hand down my front then, his fingers twisting to fit between my legs and I let out a moan when he dips two of them inside; the heel of his palm brushing my clit. After a couple of tries he brushes against the spot that has me lurch forward, and he's holding me steady so that he can hit it again and again, whisper soft encouragements in my ear as he does so. My mind drifts—the only thing keeping me on this earth was his voice, holding me like this belt that holds my wrists.

Bound. I'm bound to him, I'm...

His fingers slip out and I let out a whine, rocking back to nudge him with my ass as I try to regain the contact I had lost. He tilts me forward, and I wait for his cock but am greeted with his tongue—lapping at the wetness that had spread between my legs. I pitch back, a groan escaping me as I bury my face into the sheets, my hands, tied together, desperate to try and find something to grab onto as he instantly has me climbing.

"F-fuck," I curse, and he presses harder, his hands propping my ass higher up in the air. "Please J, please I'm..." I trail off.

"Not yet," he tells me, humming against me before pulling up, slapping my ass before grinding into me. He lets out a noise, his hands moving to wrap around my waist to steady me as he enters me.

And it's almost embarrassing how quickly I'm on the edge, a couple strokes has me reduces to mindless ramblings. And then I'm expected to hold on for a couple of minutes?

"Yea? You like that?" He's asking me.

Does he expect me to respond? I'm not quite sure I can even form coherent words, never mind a full sentence. "D-daddy," I moan, the only thing I manage to spell out, my feeble attempt to try to tell him I'm close. He seems to get the idea, whispering words of encouragement into my ear as he slips a hand down my front, pressing down on my clit so I have something to grind against.

I don't even notice I'm there until my vision whites out and I slump down into the bed, faintly aware of JJ finishing around the same time.

His arms are wrapped around me as he falls against my backside, and I turn around when he frees my wrists so that I can hug him back.

"You good?"

I nod, "why wouldn't I be?"

"You kinda... I don't know, left for a bit."

"Did I?" He tells me it didn't look like how I am when I get stressed (or whatever, he adds), so he didn't really know what to think. "Was it, like, weird?"

"Nono, it was good," he tells me, maybe a bit too quickly as he flashes a shameless grin. "It was fucking hot, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm more than okay," I tell him.

"Wasn't too much?"

I shake my head, "it was wonderful." He laughs at my choice of words, and I think I might still been a little dazed as all I can really focus on was how wonderful he was—I really couldn't think of a better word to use.

He grins, and we let ourselves enjoy the other; we don't talk about the bruises. We go for another round, and then another.

It goes late. Again.

By the time we've decided to control ourselves, I looked like I had been dragged through a forest by my neck. "Well J, you've outdone yourself with the hickeys." He grins, crawling up the bed to meet me and see for himself, his fingers affectionately tracing the marks that blemish my skin.

"They look good on you." He pauses, admiring his work for another moment. I drop the phone I was using to stare at my reflection and look at him instead, his thumb caressing the side of my face as he sits across from me. The thing was, I did like how they looked on me, just like how I liked my lips when they get swollen and broken, or when you could see the bruising on my neck or ass or thighs or... well you can get the idea. I knew it wasn't 'classy,' I knew people would just think I wanted the stares (which is why I'll probably cover them up tomorrow for school), but in this moment I genuinely liked how I looked.

And that was a rarity.

I hum when he kisses me, letting his touch remind me that he was here to stay now. And maybe the marks helped solidify that argument a bit, as crazy as it sounds.

I have cream to lighten them anyhow. I ask him to grab it from my nightstand, turning my attention back to my phone so I can set the alarm. But when I turn back, he isn't holding what I asked for.

"JJ," I exclaim, "put that away!"

"You have a vibrator?" He turns it on to emphasize his point, "you have a vibrator and didn't tell me?"

"Oh my God," I gasp, bursting out into nervous laughter. "I didn't think it was a big deal!"

"Not a big deal? What else haven't you told me!" He pulls me into him, still holding the toy in his other hand, "come here."

I'm about to argue that I've already lost count of the number of times he's made me finish tonight, but his voice has struck me to silence. I open my legs, letting his hands slip under his boxers that I wore and holding it right on my clit after first finding it with his finger.

My head falls back, every nerve in my body instantly coming alive as the night has made me more sensitive than I thought was possible. The sensation drove through me relentlessly, my body curling into JJ as he holds me close to his chest. "Jesus Christ," I hiss through shattered gasps as it feels like every nerve was getting sent to overdrive.

"Just one more, okay? Just for me," he's telling me. "Please, I just wanna see you cum once more."

I try to laugh, but the noise I make is definitely far from laughter. I wonder if this was his thing, getting me off. It sure felt like it as I listen to him tell me everything he's going to do to me with this toy. His tone is playful, pointing out how we can keep going when we get tired now, but it still feels... deeper in a sense. Like he's downplaying some unspoken thing.

I feel limp, even when I cum, even though it was just as hard and all consuming as the other ones.

I barely even notice him cleaning up, and fall asleep without moving.

Chapter Text

**JJ**

"Oh come on Francis."

I'm only partially listening to the conversation Pope and Lexi are having from next to me, taking out the flask I have now designated for school to take the edge off a bit. At least this time we aren't riding in total silence, which I'll admit makes the whole experience a bit better—like we're just normal kids on our way to school.

"Don't Francis me," Pope fires back, a short laugh escaping her as his expression contorts to show real frustration. "I'm being serious, liking Star Treck doesn't make you a geek or a nerd."

My arm is wrapped around Lex so that I can hold the hand that's further away from me, easing my nerves more than I care to admit. It's silly how much a simple gesture can do.

"I was making a joke," she laughs, watching as he fights the smile that was forming on his lips. "Star Wars is better anyways."

"Ha." Pope turns in the passenger seat to look at her fully, "please tell me you're joking."

"Why would I be joking," she asks, "it wins by a landslide."

Pope opens his mouth before shutting it quickly, "I'm not having this conversation with a... with someone who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about."

"Oh well, now that's just discrimination against non-geeks," I pipe in, amused by how he blubbers like a fish out of water as he tries to figure out what to say next.

She points to me with passion in her movements, "exactly! I mean, come on Pope. Star Wars just has a better story line, there's an end goal that they're fighting for... Star Treck is too much of just... space travel."

"It's not just space travel," Pope practically shouts, "how the fuck would it—"

"—The stories don't connect!"

"Oh come on," Pope exclaims, "they destroy the Death Star only to have a different Death Star literally two movies after. They reused the same idea for 2/3s of the original trilogy!"

"Whatever."

"No, not whatever, don't diss Star Treck."

"Whatever."

I chuckle from next to her, and her hand squeezes mine so that I notice her stare, lingering even after the conversation has died and I had stopped laughing. I peer down, "you tired?"

I grin at her expression, a tired smile on her lips as she nods, her eyes fighting to stay open as she looks up at me. After all, the alarm was what woke us up this morning, not each other.

I don't even know how we still managed to have sex, but one second we were just trying to not fall back asleep and then I was lifting her leg off my hip and sinking myself into her. Sleepy moans fill the air as we rock against each other, her head buried in the crook of my neck—sore from the day before.

We had talked a bit more the night before about the whole morning deal (or morning routine as I've now decided to call it), and figured we switch our rings to the middle finger if we weren't in the mood to be fucked awake or whatever.

I smile to myself, oblivious to my surroundings as I think back to how her head falls back as she delights in this pleasure, how her mouth falls open when I wake up a bit more and get her off with my fingers as well. And then my heart sinks as I feel the car come to a halt, glancing out of the window to see that we were at school, and therefore, no longer free to think about fucking her whenever I wanted.

Cause that's why I didn't want to get to school—obviously.

I drink all through first period and it almost makes me feel better, until I worry I'm turning into my father and have to excuse myself to puke in the bathroom. I consider texting Lexi then, as that odd feeling of getting strangled by the muscles in my own throat had starting to inhibit my breathing again. But it goes away after a couple minutes of sitting on the bathroom floor, unintentionally thinking about what she would tell me to do.

I check every locker on my way back to class until I find one unlocked, stealing a few pieces of someone's gum to erase any evidence of my trip. Finding my seat again, I quickly realize that the teacher is no longer in the room and conversation has started to develop around me. But I consciously choose to block out my classmates in fear they were talking about John B, knowing I couldn't hear about it today.

"Hey, JJ." I turn towards the voice, overshooting my movements a bit so that I have to sway back in the other direction to correct myself. "You know that new girl, no?"

So they weren’t talking about JB, thought I don’t know how much better this is.

"What's it to you, Shawn?"

"Well how was she?"

"How was she?" I repeat, raising my eyebrows at the guys stupid grin.

"Yea, like, in bed. I mean come on, you really didn't shoot your shot?"

I can only stare at him, or else I'm actually worried I'd knock Shawn out and get my ass suspended. But it gives a chance for him to continue on, some of the others chuckling to themselves as they seem to find this conversation amusing. "C'mon JJ, you're really going to tell me you didn't try? I've never seen you pass up such of an opportunity."

"Never said I passed anything up," I say with a shrug; "but it's none of your business how good she is in bed, cause you're not going to find out."

Now it's their turn to stare, one guy turning his head to one side as he tries to figure out what I'm say. "No fucking way," Shawn exclaims after a second, breaking the silence as he bursts out into laughter; "no fucking way... you and her?"

"Why the fuck is that so unbelievable?"

"Cause you're JJ Maybank," someone points out and I shoot them the middle finger, trying to not let the heat rise to my face.

"Oh come on, but it's true," Shawn says. "Aren't you always the one preaching about staying single?"

"Yea well, opinions change. Fuck off." I forget sometimes how talkative I used to be, how I actually liked to make conversation with people and... talk. I'd talk to them at the smoke pit, tell them about some girl I got with, or whatever job I had busied myself with at the time. But I never once told anyone about going further with a girl, and occasionally preached the opposite as the better option.

"Damn, so you're actually dating her?"

I nod as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, ignoring the snickers that continue to rise up around us as more people listen into our conversation until it's pretty much the whole class. I try to disregard the comments, a few asking if she really is rich as fuck, another asking if she was a model in LA.

I spend the rest of the class wishing everyone would just fuck off—counting down the minutes until I'd feel a bit better.

By the time I finally get to see her, she had this funny grin on her face. "Are you telling people I'm ya girlfriend," she teases, and I realize she must've gotten people asking to confirm what I had said.

I roll my eyes, "you've caught me," I groan, and I wait until everyone's in their seat before finding mine. I hear them talk, the odd burst of laughter rising over the teachers voice and she's forced to tell them to simmer down.

I wonder if Lexi knew what they were talking about.

The class ends, and Kie meets us in the hallways, giving us a tentative smile, "ready to learn about the Roman Empire?"

"Oh, the most anticipated part of my day," Lexi chuckles, the two girls rolling their eyes as we walk into class. And it starts with about as much excitement that was to be expected: absolutely none.

About halfway through the class I hear my phone go off, glancing over to see that the others had the same thing happen to them. We share a look, because what are the chances we would all get a text at the same time. It's just... odd.

The teacher turns around to ask who's phone goes off, but no one responds and he goes back to the lesson.

I slip in between Lex and Kie, opening my phone to reveal the same photo that they already had pulled up on their screen. I hadn't even registered what it was until I was staring at three other versions of it, my eyes going wide as I hear Lexi's breath catch in her throat.

It was them.

My heart seems to stop working, every instinct fighting with itself as I'm caught between disbelief and hope—a feeling which I'm trying to hold at bay in fear it was all some joke. So I don't think, and make a run for it.

I look back as I'm opening the door to see that the others are following me, only to be met with the mop bucket when I turn back around. I curse, Lexi letting out a laugh that sounds a little high from the emotions, her hands shaking as she helps me up. We run hand in hand as the teacher yells after us, every possibility running through my head as we make our way outside.

Kie asks how it'd even be possible for them to be alive; "I'm just going to ask, okay?" She pulls out her phone to respond, Lexi's hand slipping out of mine so she can take her phone out again; and my arm moves to clutch my heart instead. It felt like I was being dunked underwater, but unable to react to it in a way that doesn't make me look like a total idiot.

I find a wall after pacing back and forth a couple times, using it as support in hopes that that might calm my breathing. "There's no way John B would know my number," Lexi points out. "This can't be real."

And Kie adds that point to her message, Lexi raking her hands through her hair and glances over at me. I look down, realizing that John B had responded.

    > Is JJ there?

My fingers feel numb when I type.

    > I'm here Bree.

The moments it takes for him to respond feel like an eternity. But when he does, my breath catches in my throat.

    > Did you pimp my surf board?

The comment makes me smirk, a noise escaping me as I re-read it over again. It makes me chuckle the second time, and I see the others have begun to do the same as we begin to accept the truth.

    > Sarah had Lex on WhatsApp, you really think I had your numbers memorized? Can't even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday.

Our laughter grows, and I only realize I have tears in my eyes when I look up to see the others share my expression. The girls embrace, and I pull Pope into a bear hug before moving to join Lexi and Kie. They laugh; I let out a shout of glee. Lexi gets up and runs into my arms, her feet leaving the ground as I spin her around a couple of times. "They're okay," she whispers into my ear, her voice echoing in my head. I pull back, my hands holding the sides of her face so that I can see her properly.

"They're okay," I say, repeating her words before leaning into kiss her, my lips crashing into hers with such force that I have to hold her steady.

Kie reads out the following message: "laying super low in Nassau. How the hell did they get to the Bahamas," she asks.

"You can't kill a pogue, dude," I say.

"Especially not John B," Pope agrees.

"'Can you clear my name,'" Lexi reads out, looking up at me. "'Wanna come home.'"

"Hell yea we will," I say, like he's right here in front of us, and we are talking face to face. Like he's already back home.

**^**

It was a mutual decision to skip the rest of the day, and we are piling into the car because we now have to figure out how to get our boy home again.

Our first destination is the chateau, Lexi insisting we have a look around to see if there is anything there that could help us; anything that would hint at big John and Ward working together. Because if John B was right about Ward killing his dad, then maybe his word might be taken a little more seriously.

"Hey."

I look up from the mound of papers I was sifting through to see Kie standing in the entrance of the office; "find something?" I ask her, my eyes not bother to linger on her as I go back to shifting through big John's pile of junk he called important documents.

She shakes her head, but instead of leaving or saying anything she just stands there, awkwardly shifting to the balls of her feet. "I meant to ask you," she starts, causing me to give her my undivided attention this time. "You didn't happen to tell Lexi... about..."

I frown, lost as to what she was trying to get at before the memory comes back, "oh! Oh no," I tell her. "You were drunk, and like..."

Nausea washes over me, though there isn’t a real reason for it to be there. It’s just cause it was a weird night to remember, I think to myself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Friends don't accept drunken offers from other friends. Especially when they're also friends with the girl you're in love with.

"It was a stupid thought. I was upset... and I was being reckless."

I grimace, thinking back to when she had told me that I could pretend she was Lexi and she'd get to relax a bit, to when I told her she was drunk and got mad. It's in the past now, I remind myself, and the good thing about it was that I could forget about it rather easily. "I don't want you to think of me that way," Kie insists. "Because I'm your friend."

"You are my friend," I agree. "Which is why you shouldn't have asked." I don't tell her about the guilt I feel now, the guilt I blame her for as her bringing it up has made me feel like I should tell Lexi now. “But we’ve already talked about that, right?”

"I know, and I'm sorry, and I'm happy you saw reason because I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself if... I know you probably think I'm a shitty friend now... especially to Lexi."

"I really had forgotten about it," I admit, letting the stack of papers in my hand hit the table a little harder than necessary. "So much has happened, Kie. I think you should just take that night and forget it too, because I know I can't hold onto every thing that rubs me the wrong way, I know you probably can't either."

Kie swallows hard, "JJ. I do feel really bad. I don't even know why it had come out of my mouth, I wasn't even thinking about your guy's relationship. Really."

Because no one does, the bitter revelation smacking me in the face. That was what bothered me, and I'm only seeing it now as I just spent a day listening to people who couldn't believe I'd be in a relationship. Who laughed, and probably took bets on how long it would last. I want to tell her this, how much it fucking sucked to see one of your closest friends be just as doubtful as the rest of them, but I could tell she really was sorry for suggesting it. And I know she didn’t mean it in the way that the rest of them did.

"It's all good, Kiara, It's like I said. I really had forgotten about it." I had thought to tell Lexi about it once or twice before now—but really, there has been so many other things to worry about I hadn’t really seen the point.

"I don't... I don't see you like that," she insists. "And I don't want Lex to think..."

"Yea, yea no, I get it."

"You're just easier than..."

"Someone who would want more?"

She doesn't say anything, but nods her head once and looks out the window. Pope. Maybe she thought I'd see past her intoxication, which also stings a bit as it makes me question how poor she really thinks my moral conscious is. Maybe she thought there’d be no strings attached because I was in love with someone else… but it’s sorta hard to do that when you’re friends, no? The one good thing that I’ve gotten out of this was that maybe she did like Pope, and is just avoiding the responsibilities that come with such feelings.

I mean, I know THAT feeling.

"So, you won't tell?"

"Nothing to tell," I say, "unless you wanted people to know you got rejected."

She whips her head towards me in sudden fury. "I was NOT rejected! You—you wish you could reject me."

"Oh yea? Keep telling yourself that." She shoves me, blushing in embarrassment. "Hey, I get it. Moment of weakness, fell for my dashing good looks—" my words are cut off as she shoves me again, this time with with a smack on my arm as well. I laugh, "you know deep down you wanna get with all of this."

"Fuck off, JJ."

I forget about it again, because I can separate that Kie from the one standing in front of me now.

I roll my eyes as I pretend to scoff at her denial of my sexual appeal, resulting in her scrunching her nose in disgust. "Seriously, JJ. You're ego is about 10 times bigger than it should be. Lexi has made you delusional."

I'm about to respond, but instead I turn to listen when Lexi calls out to us. "Find anything?"

"Nada," I yell back, adjusting my tone when I see she's made her way to the doorway. "Lets just go grab some food and we can regroup then."

Pope pops his head in at the mention of food. "Stealing words out of my mouth," Pope pipes in. "I'm just about starving to death."

**^**

We grab some of the leftovers from the wreck, heading out to the docks after eating. Kie's mom is yelling for her to help out, but Kie only brushes her off.

"I feel that," Pope says when Kie's mom reminds her that she's her daughter. "On a deep emotional level, I understand that."

"So," I say once we've settled. "Are we going to the Bahamas, or what?"

"And how the fuck would we get the Bahamas?" Pope asks, always the voice of reason.

"Lex, you're rich," I point out. "Don't you gotta plane or something lying around?"

"Unfortunately, my dad would still notice if his plane took off without him," she chuckles, her brow furrowing as she's a little concerned that she has to point out the obvious. "Why don't we just focus on the task we've been given?"

"Exactly," Kie pipes in; "cause if we were going to clear John B's name, we should've done it like... yesterday."

Anger flares in my chest, the thought of John B serving time for a crime he didn't commit—after everything that's happened to him—is enough of an incentive to go in guns a'blazing. "No I'll tell you what we're going to do," I decide, seeing red.

"Oh, you have this mapped out, do you," Pope asks.

"As a matter of fact, I do. We kidnap Rafe."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"We kidnap Rafe, tie him up, stick the gun in his mouth and just wait until he starts squawking."

Yea, as it comes out of my mouth, I notice the plot holes. But I'm too fired up to think of ways that don't end in violence. Unfortunately, the others aren’t so keen on disregarding the problems that might arise from my idea as they stare at me with equal confusion and horror in their expression. "That sounds... kinky," Lexi finally giggles, a little apprehensive to my response as she can't help but laugh at my plan.

"Well, it does now that you pointed it out," I fire back, fighting the urge to laugh at her expression as I try to stay serious.

"And torture is actually a war crime," Kie adds.

"Kinda hard to clear John B's name from a prison cell," Pope points out. "Because that is a felony."

"Yea, maybe save that fantasy for another time."

"I'm being serious," I tell her, but I'm only met with the amusement in her eyes. "I-I'm... serious..." even though I'm smiling now.

"Oh, I'm sure you are killer. Doesn't make it a good idea."  The others agree, but instead of moving on with Pope and Kie she leans in to lower her voice, "and it sounded kinky before I pointed it out."

"Well, maybe I'll save the fantasy for another time," I tease, raising my eyebrows to flash a playful look. She winks before turning back to Pope as he explains how we need material evidence, someone to testify—someone like the pilot who was on the tarmac when Peterkins was murdered. Of course, that leaves me to my thoughts as I can't help imagine what she'd look like tied to a chair, a gun in her mouth with her legs spread open as I—Fuck, too far.

She probably wouldn't like that. Definitely... too far. Right?

I tune back into Pope's idea in order to stop feeding thoughts right to my dick; "a little ghost recon?" I conclude, the only shot we had, and the only one Pope agreed with.

It helped that it was his plan.

Lexi goes with Kie to help her mom clean up, hoping that the two of them together might speed things up a bit and we can get out of here sooner. Lexi is also the only one whose on good terms with Kie's parents, though I think they secretly hope she'll convince Kie to abandon us to become a pair of debutants or something.

This leaves me with Pope, and with the only topic there really is. "So, no luck with Kie?" I turn towards him after the girls leave.

"Nope." Pope pauses for a second, "do you think she liked John B?"

He's clearly done some thinking since we've last chatted, his latest theory fighting it's way into our conversation. "I don't know, that whole thing was weird."

"Like, maybe that's why she doesn't want to start things—"

"Dude, worrying about shit like that is going to get you no where. Fact of the matter is John B's with Sarah, so even if she did like him—it doesn't matter now."

It keeps him quiet for a moment, but of course it opens a new train of thought.

"It's weird no? Talking about them now that we know they're alive. For now at lease." Pope pauses, and I feel like he's going to ask another question on the topic of Kie, which makes me feel like I should tell him what happened. It's not like I was lying to him, but it felt weird to not tell him. No, I shouldn't. She came onto me once—plastered as hell, and has shown no signs of such ideas since; it would do nothing but embarrass Kie.

Or I guess now it would be the second time she had offered such a thing…but the first time was like a year ago, and it hardly counts. Still, as I make that connection my heart sink a little bit for some reason.

No, I scold. Why am I making this more complicated than it is? She just still thinks I’m good at not letting feelings get in the way, and just hasn’t gotten used to the fact that that’s no longer the case since being with Lexi.

Either way, Pope doesn't ask the question I was worried he would. "How's Lexi, anyways?"

I shrug, "great."

"No, I mean like how is she doing," Pope explains, slower this time.

I'm about to repeat myself, but I realize I would be lying to him this time. "I don't know, to be honest, she seems... okay, I think?"

"She's thinner."

"Yea, I noticed. Kinda hard to bring that up to a girl though, no?" I didn't know much, but I had the sneaking suspicion that that conversation might come across as me being a shallow prick. Or, even worse, as a weird complement.

Pope shrugs, glancing back towards the wreck—denying the blunt I offer him. "She just looks fragile... and the bruises?"

"I don't know what's with the bruises," I tell him; "she changes the conversation whenever I go to bring it up."

"Do you think they're from her dad?"

"Fuck if I know."

"JJ think about it: her dad let her come back AND pick the school she wants to go to, hasn't bugged her once, and has pretty much let her do anything she wants. I haven't heard her talk about her mom once. Something must've happened."

I don't tell Pope that I know her moms in the hospital, just as I'd hope Lexi wouldn't tell about my dad. "I don't know, Pope."

"I'm worried."

"I am too." Pope gives me a look, causing me to raise my hands up in defence. "What! I am."

"You know sex is often considered a coping mechanism?"

"Not the worst way to cope, no?" He's rolls his eyes, I feel a bit of panic in my chest. "You think I'm feeding into her bad habits or something?"

"I think you need to talk to her. She's been through more than she can handle already and you know that. How much more will she be willing to take."

"Before what?"

"Who knows," Pope mutters, "but I'm sure it won't be good."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"If this guy flew planes for Ward, he's gotta be pretty tight lipped."

"So the direct approach gets my vote." I turn towards JJ as he cocks the gun, the others instantly beginning to protest his insane attempt of an idea.

"JJ," I sigh; "let's not create more problems then we solve." I groan to try and drown out his voice when he argues back, telling us how we should keep it simple. "Really? Simple? I wasn't aware breaking and entering with a loaded weapon was considered, quote on quote, simple."

"Or we just tickle the wire?" Pope suggests.

"What?" Kie asks.

"I'll plant my phone in the car," Pope explains, pulling out the AirPods he'd use to listen with—demonstrating his plan by using Kie's voice as the trial run. "See, we'll have audio."

We pull up to the house, Pope hopping out of the car before telling us to signal if we see anything suspicious, everything moving so fast I barely have time to register that we're really doing this; we're really on our way to clear John B's name. "Don't do anything dangerous," Kie tells him.

"Come on. I'm not JJ."

I let out a short laugh, turning to look at the boy whose pretending to be hurt by Popes words. "Not going to lie," JJ sighs after Pope leaves, squeezing my hand as he looks to me; "not gunna miss third wheeling."

"You were never third wheeling, JJ," Kie insists from the front seat; "at least, not like how I am right now."

"Fair," JJ agrees, not bothering to sugar coat the obvious, though I still give him a look so I can pretend it's not the case. But he just continues on with his train of thought. "How's it going with Pope, anyways?"

"Hey, yea. I would actually like to know about that too," I tell her.

"It's good."

"That's all," I ask. "Seriously?"

"Is he like freaky in bed? Cause it's Pope?" For some reason, the thought of Pope doing anything remotely sexual makes me laugh; JJ's question bringing an image to mind that just about has tears running down my face.

"Why are you asking?"

"I don't know."

"Just curious," I add. "We're your friends, no? We should be hearing about this stuff."

She tells us to stop, and we both lean to the backs of our seats in temporary defeat. "I guess she doesn't wanna talk about it," I whisper to JJ, raising a giggle in both of us two of us—causing Kie to scoff from the front seat. "Oh come on Kie," I exclaim; "we're not going to judge, Kikes—I promise."

"But like, ranking wise..." JJ trails off, covering his mouth as he tries not to laugh.

"Oh, you're still asking?" Kie turns back to look at us, which should've been JJ's cue to cut it out, but he can't help but continue on.

"Is John B better?"

I snort at the look Kie gives him, as she seems to be equally offended and horrified by JJ's question, and it's a miracle Pope manages to come back just in time because she looks just about ready to snap.

I wonder if we had went too far.

**^**

We manage to get a time and a place, and so we go home to wait for tomorrow night to come. Pope and Kie stuck around for a little bit, but they seem to have slipped away without neither me nor JJ noticing.

Either way, we found ourselves fooling around on my bed before we were even sure they were gone.

"We are immoral people," I groan inwardly as JJ pulls me onto his lap.

"I'm pretty sure they're gone now, anyways," JJ points out, trying to lighten my mood a bit.

"Yea? And I wonder why they left." I pull away, running my hands through my hair, asking myself why I'm such an idiot.

"Hey—hey, it's okay; don't worry about it," JJ tells me, ignoring how I tell him that I'm okay. "It's on me, I'll apologize to them tomorrow."

I quickly begin to shake my head, "Nono, I will—it's fine." I go to kiss him again, but this time he leans back, pressing against my sternum so I can't reach him. "What's wrong?" God, my voice sounds so fucking desperate it's no wonder he's not in the mood anymore. I begin to apologize again, wishing I could just act normal for once.

"Lex, you're fine," JJ tells me, but still holds me back whenever I try to lean in.

"No, I'm sorry—please," I ramble on; "I'll stop being so annoying."

"You aren't being annoying," JJ assures me; "you aren't—Lex, you're fine."

I swallow hard, letting him press a small kiss to my cheek. "Then, what's wrong?" I ask again.

JJ doesn't say anything for a moment as he tries to find the right words to use. "You just seemed upset, so it felt wrong I guess." I assure him I'm fine, but he knits his brow in disbelief; "do you wanna keep going?"

"Yes," I quickly say, that shitty part of my brain telling me that if we weren't fucking then he might use that energy elsewhere.

"You don't seem to want to," JJ tells me, his words a little slow as he seems to be deep in thought. "You seem a little panicked."

"I'm—I'm not—" my voice cracks, and I look down to realize my hands were shaking.

"Come here," he murmurs, and I feel him pull me into him before I get a chance to apologize again. Something about it all, and maybe it was just a lack of sleep, but something has me loose the grasp I have on my body the second I let myself relax.

"Lexi?"

I can't respond, though I know he's probably wondering why this has made me act so strange. He says my name again, but seems to have stopped expecting a response as he begins to just play with my hair.

I don't know how long it's been when I finally come back to reality, but the first thing I do when I find my voice is apologize.

"You don't need to apologize, princess."

"But you wanted to have sex."

JJ lets out a quiet chuckle, "it's not exactly like I've been deprived of it."

"Yes, but—isn't that why you wanted me?"

"For your weirdly high sex drive?" He looks down at me like it's the most ridiculous thing in the world; "you really think that's why I want you?"

"No. I just think you'd love me a lot less if I didn't want to all the time." I meet his eyes; "and I don't want you sleeping with someone else because you feel like I'm not enough."

Yup, that sounded insane—don't worry, I'm aware.

He opens his mouth to speak, but pauses for a moment only to close it again. "I'm... I'm not going to sleep with someone else, Lexi. It's not your fucking job to... please tell me you aren't just fucking me because you think that's what I want."

"No! Not at all. I always want to... I just worry about what happens when I don't."

"Then you switch your ring to your middle finger and I live knowing that I'm not taking advantage of you."

"You're not—"

"But I would be, Lex."

"I just feel better if I know you're too tired to have sex with other people," I try to explain, waiting in fear for his response. I don't expect JJ to burst out into sudden laughter, but when he does I turn to look at him fully. "What?"

"Well if your goal is to tire me out, you've passed with flying colours so far," JJ chuckles. "But you don't have to do that. I'm not against the thought of cheating because I physically cannot get it up, I'm against the idea because... I love you, and don't desire anything else that doesn't... involve you."

I blink hard, only noticing now that I had tears running down my face. "Do you promise?" He nods, holding out his pinky to try and further convince me. "I'm just trying really hard to be the person I was in the summer, cause like, I don't wanna disappoint you or whatever," I admit after entwining my pinky to solidify his promise.

"I know you're trying—but I'd feel better if I knew what was really going on."

"No, you wouldn't." It was too much, too much shit he didn't sign up for; that I wasn't sure he could handle. If only I hadn't gone back, then it wouldn't be there—looping over and over again in my head. "It wouldn't be fair."

"I think it would be. We're hear for each other, no?"

"Yea... but..." I wasn't quite sure how to explain what was going on, and I'm left to re-organize my thoughts. "Okay well, you know how I sometimes blank out for a bit? Like I shut down?" JJ nods; I continue on. "I know it's obvious I'm not all that... stable, I know you know this too. And so I'm okay if you see me panic, or dissociate, or use drinking or sex or weed as a way to cope because you signed up for a certain level of crazy when we got together."

"And that's okay," he assures me, trying to appear supportive; "I don't expect you to be perfect all the time; I'd be dating a fucking robot if that were the case."

"It's just... I've had a lot of people tell me they're into the whole crazy chick thing, and then get weirded out whenever they see something that doesn't fit their fantasy. Because it isn't just a high sex drive and daddy issues." I slam my eyes shut so that it doesn't feel so overwhelmed; "and I don't want you to leave when you find out there's more to it."

"I'm not going to leave, I just want to know what's going on in that brain of yours." He pokes my forehead, turning to his side when I roll off of him so that he can hold his gaze. "It's not some fantasy for me, Lex. I just want to know what's wrong. I know it isn't pretty, I mean, look at me! I'm sure there have been moments where you had wished I was a little more stable."

Despite the mood, I giggle. "Perhaps."

"See?"

I take a breath, realizing he's waiting for me to start talking, which makes me wonder where to exactly begin. "Well, a lot of the issues I have, I've had for quite a while. So I've done years of therapy and other bullshit so that I can somewhat manage the worst of it. Because me at my worst isn't a very good person, and I know that. I can control them somewhat, understand what it is that makes them worse... but the one trigger that always seems to do the trick are my parents."

"So living in the same house as them..."

"Not good," I conclude. "The problem is that they don't just go away once I remove myself from the situation, so no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be the same person you knew in the summer; and I'm sorry."

"No one is going to be the same person they were that summer, I don't expect you to manage it."

I watch him for a second, making sure he's being sincere before I curl in closer to him, "thank you." It was like I was going against every instinct in my body, believing he was somehow different then everyone else, believing I can accept his help without worrying I'll have learnt to rely on it when he leaves. But it felt good to give in, and maybe time will relieve my anxiety as well.

**^**

Sometime later I had suggested we try this talking thing again, only this time the subject had somehow morphed into our sexual history. I guess it had made sense, as it was an easy place to start, given that we were both so open about most shit anyways, and it was ultimately where our relationship began. With sex.

"What's your body count?"

I roll my eyes at the question, "seriously?"

"Well I don't know," JJ protests, "it seemed like a good place to start! I don't like, care or anything."

"You'd be lucky number 7," I tell him, watching to see if he really didn't care or anything. I relax a bit when he just nods, "what's yours?"

"Lost track," he admits sheepishly, blushing a bit as he scratches the back of his head; "over 30 at least." I already knew it was high, so it didn't faze me too much. JJ had admitted to very rarely sleeping with the same girl twice, so it honestly would've been weirder if he had remembered how many people he's gotten with. "Mostly, y'know, turons and such. It was easy cause they'd leave and I wouldn't have to worry about it."

"Worry about what? Commitment?"

"Yea, I guess. And I knew it didn't hurt the girls feelings as much cause she'd know she's leaving anyways," he pauses for a second; "I always felt a little guilty about it though."

"Guilty about what?"

He frowns a bit, "like I don't know, the whole thing was weirdly validating, and I liked that about sex. But I just couldn't handle the after, the 'what are we', or the worry that I'd fall for the girl or whatever."

"Good thing that's never happened," I chuckle, his head spinning around to face me with a grin as he ruffles my hair.

"Yea, thank God," he fires back before leaning into kiss my forehead. "But it wasn't that I didn't want to keep going with a girl or I don't know, go on dates and stuff... it just scared me; needing someone, because they could so easily fuck me over or just... not need me back."

I shrug, "but you can have a relationship with someone without being in love, no?"

"Can you?"

JJ's question has me turn so that we're both lying down and facing each other in bed, "well I don't know, I've been in a few relationships..."

By a few, I mean one and a half.

"Were you ever in love?" His question had him scared to know the answer, I could tell from the way his eyes glossed over and his bottom lip trembled a bit before he steady's it with his teeth.

Body counts don't bother him, but sharing a heart with someone else does. I was always of that opinion as well.

"I used to think I had been," I tell him slowly, "I guess I thought I had to be after a certain point in the relationship." A thought comes to me then; "I didn't understand how I couldn't be, because if it wasn't progressing to that point then there wasn't really a point in continuing on. How could you stay stagnant in that middle faze?"

"But were you ever?"

I study JJ's face, and think back to how I had felt when we had kissed after I had come back; how I felt like I had been lit on fire and still needed to move closer to a flame. "No," I whisper, shaking my head as I do so; "I wasn't ever in love."

"I don't think I could've done that, pretend there's more so that I don't actually have to experience it; especially when I was so scared of feeling that more."

"Are you still scared of it?" He's shaking his head before I can finish my question with that lopsided grin of his. "Seriously, J," I continue on, "there has to be moments that scare you."

"I'm afraid of the person I'll become if I loose you," he says after a moment. "I worry I'll get too used to the comfort, and it'll break me when I can no longer find it."

It's awful, it really is but I almost want to let out a sigh of relief with his confession, and he must've sensed my shoulders slack or something because he asks if I know what he's talking about. I nod; "I don't know if it's because we've seen the other go through bad stuff, or if it's just because it's the only relationship I've been in where I've felt... loved I guess? But I feel better knowing it's not one sided."

"Me too." He kisses me then; first finding my bottom lip to graze before slowly moving up my mouth. My head tilts forwards to meet him before falling back as his tongue swirls the inside of my mouth and the strength of his touch overpowers me. Biting my bottom lip as he pulls back a bit, I see the grin on his expression. "I thought we were supposed to be sharing sexual experiences," he murmurs as he presses small kisses along my jaw and pulls himself to hover over me.

"We still can," I protest as I try to focus back on the original question, "when err..." I let out a gasp as his lips move to the sensitive spot on my neck, his hand tilting my jaw to get at it easier; "when did—(another gasp)—when did you loose your virginity?"

"Hmm," he chuckles against my neck as he pretends to think, "grade 7. You?"

"Grade 9."

Give that to a psychiatrist, I bet they'd have something to say for it.

He lifts his head to kiss behind my ears, my hands tightening in his hair as I listen to the faint moans he lets out between each graze of his mouth. "Ever given head in public," he whispers into my ear as I feel him harden against my thigh.

"Once," I respond in an equally low voice, giggling a bit as he groans at the thought of it; "have you?"

"Fingered a few."

"Pussy," I tease before dipping my head to kiss his collar bone, making my way up to find the sweet spot on his neck.

"Oh fuck," he sighs and lets his hips grind into me. "Not a pussy," he breathes out when he composes himself, "you'll just have to be my first."

The knot in my stomach tightens at the thought—him slipping under the table at some dinner party and deciding to crawl between my thighs while he's at it, lifting the skirt of my dress and pulling my panties aside. He wouldn't try to rush it, actually, he would probably try and test his luck at not getting caught; part of him wanting to have someone notice how my cheeks flush or how I bite my lip to suppress the urge to moan his name.

"You like that idea," he asks, a grin on his face as his words are coated in delight. I pull his shirt over his head, but that doesn't stop him from continuing on. "You like the risk of getting caught, hm? Should I fuck you right there in the sand the next time we go to a keggar? Or maybe you could sit on my cock when we're on lunch—wearing a skirt and everything; ever done that?"

"No," I gasp as he pushes the fabric of my shirt away to reveal my tits to him. "We should add it to the bucket list." 

"God," he murmurs and pulls away to look at my chest for a second; "I could stare at your tits all day, princess."

"That doesn't sound like a question," I giggle, cupping his head in my hands and lifting it up to meet my eyes. "We're supposed to be talking."

"We are talking," JJ argues playfully, "I'm a great multi-tasker." When I drop my hands he goes back to my tits, his tongue swirling over either nipple just to see me quiver a bit at his touch. He glances up at me before pressing a kiss to my sternum, and then my stomach; "ever been with a girl?"

"JJ!"

"It's just a question," JJ argues as I sit up onto my elbows.  His smile widens as he sees me raise my eyebrows, shifting further down my body and away from my expression; "okay okay, the question was perverted, I get it."

I roll my eyes, letting the moment pass before answering. "I've... experimented, I guess."

I almost laugh at how quickly his head snaps up to look at me in surprise, his hair disheveled and his eyes wide in shock. "Actually?"

"Yes."

"Like... more than just making out at a party?"

"JJ."

"Did she go down on you?"

"JJ!"

"Was she like one of those super dominant chicks and was like dressed in all leather or something?" I don't even bother to speak on that one as he sits up and runs his hands through his hair in disbelief, "are you like... bisexual?"

"I-I don't know," I admit, "I kinda just went with the flow, it's not like we dated so I'm not sure."

Though JJ's mouth seemed to open and close a few times, it looked like he couldn't quite figure out what to say. "One time thing?"

I shake my head; "nope. Didn't realize some guys weren't good with the female anatomy and so I was a little confused as to why I only ever finished when... you know. Honestly, I blame our sex ed department." I don't say it, but I guess having to grow up pretty fast made it seem normal to experiment with sex, learning what others might've learnt a few years later.

"Huh." He seems a little spacey as his eyes look off into the distance; "cool."

"Stop thinking about it."

He leans down to kiss me; "just... processing." He deepens the kiss, pulling at my shorts until they're half way down my thighs before taking his thumb and beginning to rub through the material of my panties. I let out a gasp, my head moving to bury itself in the crook of JJ's neck. "It's your turn to ask a question princess," JJ reminds me, clearly aware of my arousal as my thong is soaked through and slides along my skin.

"Ever been with a guy?"

He stops what he's doing and turns to look up at me with a deadpan expression, "does it count if the socks didn't come off?"

"Actually?"

"No."

I roll my eyes at him, "smartass."

"My ass thanks you," he chuckles before flipping me over so I'm on my tummy and shifting so that his crotch is pressed to the string of my thong and his body is on top of mine. "Let's put this conversation on hold," he whispers into my ear before leaving a trail of kisses down my back as his one hand fondles my ass and the other pulls down my panties; pulling himself off of me as he does so. "If you'd be okay with that?"

"Yes," I squeak out, "I would be."

I feel the sudden sting of his palm as he brings his hand down on my behind; "and speaking of nice asses..." JJ trails off before sinking his teeth into mine. I let out a moan, causing him to chuckle against my skin. He takes his one hand to spread my legs apart; "get on your knees for me sweetheart." I do as he tells me, and he wraps his arms around each leg and nuzzles his face against my ass—his tongue flattening against my pussy before he moves to suck on my clit.

I'm moaning now, unable to help myself or even fall silent for a second as his tongue laps my clit. "JJ, I'm going to cum if you keep doing that," I gasp as the chuckle he lets out sends a vibration straight to my core.

"Ah ah ah, not yet, princess," he tuts, "just a little longer for me."

"JJ, please," I whimper and tighten my grip on my bedsheets as I try to count backwards in my head. "I can't, I need to."

He has his fingers playing with me as he looks up, "whose the best lay you've had," he asks me.

"You are." I didn't quite mean to shout it, but my body was so close to bursting that I'd do just about anything to release the tension—which unfortunately includes admitting to your boyfriend that no ones ever made you tick the way he has. It couldn't be good for his ego.

"I'm not convinced," he muses, "even—"

"—yes! You beat everyone by a mile. Now please..."

"Okay, now cum for me Lex, you can come for me," he tells me, and dips his head down to nip at my clit before lifting me up to get full access. He holds me at such an angle that when I feel the string inside me snap, the blood rushing to my head nearly makes me blackout from pleasure; his tongue relentless despite how I begin to tremble against him. My climax continues on for another 10 seconds before I can speak again, but even when I find my voice I'm restrict to desperate sobs that beg for him to fuck me.

Without wasting any time he discards his pants with his head still between my legs, licking a stripe from hole to hole before he sits up to press his dick against me. I let out a gasp, and I feel another slap on my ass before he enters me.

He fucks me hard, my insides still trembling from the aftermath of my climax, causing me to shout every time he hits my g-spot until he manages to hit it every time and reduce my voice to nothing—my mouth hanging open as it only takes the heel of his hand moving to press against my frontside and I'm tumbling over the edge again.

It takes me a good minute to catch my breath after he finishes, eventually turning to watch him as he pushes his hair back and out of his eyes. He grins, lowering himself so that he can plant a soft kiss on my mouth.

I smile against his lips, waiting for him to pull back before opening my eyes again.

"Wanna smoke weed?" I ask after a moment.

"You read my mind, princess."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

We smoke on the dock after, the nights officially beginning to qualify as chilly as we're wrapped in blankets to try and stay warm. "You're going to regret letting me open up about my feelings, I'm never going to shut the fuck up now," I say with a laugh.

"I'll be looking forward to it."

I let my head fall from side to side as I contemplate how to phrase my point. "We can't just talk about depressing shit all the time, JJ," I finally say.

"True, that's why we talk about sex as well." I give him a light shove, causing him to chuckle lightly. "The other shit will come, just gotta get through all the ugly first."

"You sound so sure."

"Of course I'm sure, you're the strongest person I've ever met."

Neither of us speak for a second before I finally open my mouth; "what's your favourite colour?"

He gives me a look, though I can tell he's trying not to smile. "I don't know, I've never really thought of it." He turns to look at me, "probably the colour of your eyes."

I scrunch my face up in disgust. "Gross."

He lets out a laugh, holding me a little tighter for a moment. "Oh come on, I don't know!" He looks off into the distance, "maybe that colour."

"Which one?"

"The colour of the ocean."

"So like, blue? Green-y blue?"

"Yea, I guess." He turns back to me, "what is it?"

"Oh nothing," I grin. "It's just cute."

"Aye, fuck off. What's your favourite colour, anyways?"

I deepen my gaze for the dramatics, though I have to force myself to frown or else I'd be grinning like an idiot. "The colour of yoUr eYES." I can't even finish my sentence without laughing through the last few words, which of course, causes JJ to laugh himself.

"Seriously, though."

"Green—any variation of green other than the ones too close to brown." I pause for a second, "but, I guess the waves have a special place in my heart as well. So blue is up there as well."

"Dogs or cats," JJ asks.

"Dogs." He was the same. "Would you ever get one?"

"Fuck yea I'd get a dog, walk it along the beach and teach it to surf."

I gasp in excitement, "I've always wanted to teach my dog to surf if I ever got one."

"Well, now we have to get one for the boathouse." We both snicker, JJ putting the last of the joint out on the ashtray I had brought out as our laughter dies. He sighs slowly, nervously glancing my way. "Okay, now for a shitty question."

"Ah, but we were doing so well," I groan.

"I know." But he's waiting for me to nod so he can ask his question. "The... the bruises. On your arms..."

I try to pretend the question doesn't faze me, though I'm sure he knows it does. "I-I do it," I try to explain.

"What?"

I demonstrate what I meant using the metal handle of the ladder; "but like, harder—sometimes. That's why they bruise."

"Oh." I hear him stutter for a bit before settling on the simple question; "why?"

"It's hard to explain," I breathe out. "And before you tell me to just stop doing it, I'd like to tell you I have one rule when it comes to this sort of shit."

"Alright, lets hear it then."

"Under no condition are you allowed to pull any teenage movie bullshit," I tell him with as much seriousness as I can muster. "So no, 'can you not do that, for me?' Or 'oh, but you're so pretty, why are you sad' bullshit because I will hurl myself off the lighthouse before you can finish your damn sentence."

JJ snorts into the bottle of water he had been taking a drink from. "Alright, noted," he says while I hold my gaze to make sure he understands. He nods, "I get Lex, it's not that easy."

"Thank you." I let the words sink in before I continue; "I'm not going to explain why I do it, cause that's weird and I don't want to talk about it. But you've probably heard of people who hurt themselves right?"

"Like..." JJ trails of, motioning to what he was thinking about with his hand pretending to slice his wrist, and I nod with a short laugh at the gesture. But he doesn't laugh, and stays silent as what I do to myself seems to hit him fully. He sits there for a moment looking slightly discomforted, and the moments continue to pass in silences as he's unsure of what to say next. "So, um... what's your Hogwarts house?"

His instant apology is drowned out by my laughter as I find myself unable to compose myself for a good minute. "Nah, it's fine, killer. In fact, I think that was the best way you could've handled that."

"Really?"

"What else are you supposed to say? Sorry? No, it's fine."

"Okay."

I grin, "my house is Slytherin."

"But you're so...nice."

"Who says Slytherins can't be empaths?"

"Actually, the more I think about it... it kinda makes sense."

"What gave it away? Nick?"

"Yea." JJ gives me a look, "you seemed to be the only person who knew what he was going to do next."

"Well you were the one to see our way out of it all."

"Yea well, I'm a Slytherin too. What!" He exclaims when I begin to giggle again, "Kie, made me take the test."

"Hufflepuff?"

"Oh yea."

"Okay, weird question," I say as the thought comes to me. "Have you and her ever..."

JJ shakes his head as he looks off to the horizon, "nah, I think I might've come on too strong in the beginning."

"You do leave an impression." I sit there for a moment, "you know, I just ask cause there was that weird thing with John B, and now with Pope. She just seems to like flirting with the idea of being in a relationship with you guys and then falling back when it gets too real. It would honestly make sense if she pulled some of that shit with you too."

And I don't know, I'd never say it but there was a reason why I was originally scared to hear her reaction, the worry of telling her compared to the worry of telling someone like Sarah Cameron just different in my head.

"Yea, she's funny like that." He looks like he wants to say something else, but decides against it. "What did you get up to in LA, you never did tell me," he points out, either changing the conversation or deciding there's nothing else to add to it.

I shrug, "nothing much, really. My mom didn't even start on her meds when we moved back, so that went about as well as you'd expect."

"You got that... birth control thingy," JJ points out.

"Oh yea, well, I thought I was pregnant so I sorta freaked and decided I didn't want to worry about it anymore."

JJ looks at me to make sure I was being serious; "erm... and was there any reason why you thought that?"

"Well I don't really ever get my period, so I wasn't all that worried that I still hadn't... but Camille needed to take a test so she made me take one with her."

"And?"

I laugh, "don't trust your pull out game, Killer?"

"Of course, but I have been told that there are better methods," he chuckles a little tentatively.

"Well for a second I didn't myself," I tells him, "turns out false positive's are actually a thing."

"W-what?"

"Well the test told me I was pregnant, and so I freaked out and went to schedule a fucking abortion..."

"Wait wait wait, pause," he stutters out, suddenly looking a little pale. "You... you were pregnant?"

"Let me finish," I exclaim, stressing every word as if it was its own sentence. "The doctors took another test that said I wasn't, so the one I had taken with Camille wasn't accurate."

"Fuckkkkk," he breathes out slowly, "okay... okay maybe lead with that next time."

"I did! I said it was false," I try to argue back, but he seemed to be too absorbed in the sudden relief he's been given that he just blindly agrees with me. "Honestly, I'm glad we weren't talking or else I would have freaked you out for nothing."

"But if it wasn't false," he argues back, "then ghosting you would have been... holy shit that would have been fucked."

"Yup," I grin, "see this is what happens when you try to cut ties with me."

"Well that was the most effective safe sex talk I think I've ever been given—I think I was about to pass out, there."

"Yea, well, imagine how I felt."

I can tell he's thinking when he goes silent again, and he only speaks up after another minute of neither of us talking. "I... um... I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but like, would you ever—like not now—but like... someday..."

"Would I want kids?"

He nods, "like not right now, obviously."

I shrug, "not if I get sick."

"You're not going to turn into your mom Lex."

I laugh humourlessly; "it's genetic, often activated by trauma, drugs, or even just being around someone who's Bipolar. Do you know what that makes me? A prime candidate."

"Yea but, doesn't mean you're going to turn into her. It isn't just her sickness that makes her a bad... person."

"I guess."

I except him to change the conversation, but he doesn't. "I know it isn't that easy, Lex—you think I don't think about that stuff every time I get a little too drunk?" It's my turn to wrap my arms around him as I remember the common ground we share, listening to his heart beat as I rest my head on his chest. "Even if I become an addict, I don't wanna give into it like my old man does."

"So you would still wanna have kids?"

"Maybe, I don't know. I would want... I don't know, stability; I guess? The right person and all that, so even if I fall off the rails I'm not doomed."

"I don't really even consider living to see how I'd be if I got sick," I admit, "I never thought of being able to handle it differently than my mom does."

"Well, I'm glad your here now." He doesn't ask why I thought that way about my life, I don't ask if he thought I could become a functioning member of society.

"Favourite show?"

He grins, "looney tunes."

"Aw, you're like a little grandma," I tease, causing him to briefly shove me away from him.

"Yours?"

"Probably shameless... or new girl."

"Never heard of either. Favourite food?"

"Well I know what we need to watch in our spare time now," I exclaim, pretending to be offended by his lack of knowledge. "And I don't know, what sorta food are we talking about?"

"Anything."

I think for a second; "French toast."

"A breakfast girl, hm?" I nod, and his smile widens. "Breakfast is the shit."

"It really is."

"When you eat it, of course."

We share a look that lasts a few seconds, his eyebrows raised as he tries to make his point. "How about we save that conversation for another time," I suggest.

"Fair enough."

**^**

We went skinny dipping when the last of the sun died, the open air polluted with our laughter.

"Oh my God, it's so fucking cold," I yell out. "Why did I agree to this!"

"Cause it's fun!" He moves closer to wrap his arms around me, holding me steady in the water. "Here, let me warm you up," he murmurs, kissing between my eyebrows.

I'll admit, it was kinda fun.

We head back inside after a couple minutes to dry ourselves off. "I'm guessing you want to wear my clothes to bed again?"

I roll my eyes at JJ's question, "obviously."

He grins, passing me a pair of boxers and some crew neck. "You're such a sucker," JJ chuckles. "And you pretend you don't like this shit."

"Fuck off," I groan, slipping into his clothes, refusing to admit he was right.

"It's okay," he insists; "it's cute."

I just lie down on the bed and wait for him to join me, watching as he bounces a few times on the bed before falling to my side. "Makes me feel like an idiot," I finally admit.

"What does? Wanting what everyone else wants?"

"I like to think I've got more realistic wants when it comes to what one thinks a relationship should consist of."

"Yea well, I personally like that you secretly enjoy these things."

I hum, letting him burrow himself closer to me. "Yea? I thought you didn't like cuddles and kisses and shi—" My sentence is cutoff by him instantly beginning to protest his own words.

"Please don't remind me," he groans, burying his face in my neck.

"Ok, I'm sorry," I sigh, slightly sarcastically. "I won't dwell on the past." I look up at the ceiling, watching the fan make circles above us. "Hey so um... I'm kinda tired."

"Yea no shit you're tired, we've been going to bed well after midnight ever since you've gotten back."

I stay silent for a moment. "Are you tired?" I finally ask.

He sits up to look at me, "am I tired? A little bit." His brow softens; "do you need me to tell you that I don't wanna go for another round?"

I nod sheepishly, causing him to roll his eyes. "Goodnight, princess," he says, giving me a kiss before relaxing beside me. "Please, get some sleep."

I already feel myself drifting off, "alright, g'night," I hum, realizing how quickly I could pass out right now. "Don't let the bedbugs bite," I add, singing the rhyme almost subconsciously to myself.

I feel JJ laugh from next to me, "definitely delusional. That was way funnier then it should've been."

"Don't lie, I'm hilarious."

My body doesn't waste any more time after that, and I fall into a deep sleep almost instantly.

**^**

The next day, we barely make it out on time to the car, too wrapped up in the feeling of sleep now that it had been given to us to move very fast.

"Where the fuck were you guys?" Kie exclaims.

"I've learnt it's better not to ask," Pope mutters. "I can spot three hickeys on your neck, Lexi."

"They're old," I say defensively, instinctively bringing my hand to my neck at the mention of them. "And I didn't have time to, you know..." I make some wild gesture of putting makeup on as I trail off, glaring at JJ as I realize he had been laughing.

At school, I walk with Kie to class.

"Look," she starts; "it isn't about you, it's about JJ. I don't want to talk to him about this sorta shit, because I know he's going to be a dick about it."

"Fair enough."

"And I just can't think about getting into a relationship right now when we have bigger things to worry about." I stay silent as she opens her locker, waiting for her to drop off whatever she doesn't need before closing the door to reveal me. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Oh come on, just say it."

"If you don't want to be in a relationship, then just... tell him that, no?"

"Well I don't know if I don't want to be in a relationship," Kie tells me, listening to what had just come out of her mouth in frustration as she realizes how confusing she's being. "Ugh," she groans. "I don't know! Like eventually I might, I mean it's Pope, right? He's literally the best, I just..."

"Don't want to fuck it up?"

She nods. "Do you know what might fuck it up," I say as we now enter our first period class. "Hooking up with him."

"But you and JJ hooked up before you started to date," Kie points out.

"Yea, well, JJ also didn't tell me he loved me before we started dating."

"Well, actually..." Kie gives me a look, raising her brows in such a way that makes me laugh.

"You know what I mean," I laugh. "Before we kissed, hows that? He didn't tell me he loved me before he had even kissed me."

"So?"

"So, if you fuck and then decide you don't want anything more, it'll have a greater affect—because no matter when you do it, there will always be this greater meaning attached to it."

"But it just seems like the best way to tell if I really have feelings for him, you know?" She lets out a sigh when I just cock my head in confusion; "I don't know if my feelings are strictly platonic or not! Hooking up would seem like the easiest way to find that out, no?"

"What about, going on a date?"

"Have you and JJ ever been on a date?" She points out.

"No." I let the word hang there for a few seconds as I try to think of a way out of the point she's made; "but you and Pope are literally nothing like me and JJ. We weren't even friends before we started to hook up—the worst that could've happened was that he'd have made things really awkward and ignored me after. Which would have sucked, but it wouldn't have been as big of a deal; you understand?"

"Yea, well, I don't have anyone else to compare myself to."

I hear the teacher begin to start their class, so I lower my voice and turn in closer to her. "Trust me, find a different inspiration. I don't want to see you guys get hurt."

Kie doesn't bring it up again until the end of the day until she scares the shit out of me at my locker. "Do you really think it'd be bad if me and Pope hooked up and then decided to be friends?"

I jump back, not noticing her standing by my side. "Jesus!" I close the door to my locker so that I can see her. "Oh, hey Lexi," I say. "How was your last class, Lexi?"

Kie rolls her eyes, "I already know you're going to say it was shit."

I purse my lips, looking past her for a moment to see if I can spot the boys before turning back to her. "Yes, I think it would be an awful idea. You said it yourself, no pogue on pogue macking."

She sighs, muttering something about me being right before her attention shifts to something behind me. "Uh Lex. Any reason why Simon Cory might be walking towards us."

I turn to look behind me, watching as Simon approaches the two of us. "Hey, Lexi," he greets.

"Hey." I glance wildly over at Kie, who does a pretty good job at glaring him down, but when I go to look back I find he was leaning in—his lips only brushing mine before I react.

I hear the slap before I realize that I was the one who brought my palm across his face. I step back in surprised, making sure what I thought just happened actually happened as everything moved so fast. Is this how he greets everyone? I think not.

"Shit," I hear Kie exclaim as Simon staggers backwards; "nice one!"

"What the fuck?" I exclaim once I find my voice, "are you good?"

Simon just laughs, "damn. Really thought I had a chance."

"At what, exactly?" I see the camera then, a few of his friends recording the event from afar. "Oh, you think this is funny?"

"Well, they told me you wouldn't go for me, and y'know, had to see for myself. They thought it'd be funny, I'm actually a little hurt."

"They thought it'd be funny?" I flip off the camera as I talk, my face still hot from embarrassment as I feel people lingering to see what the commotion is about.

"So this is your lab partner," Kie asks in a low voice, eyeing him from the side.

I nod before turning back to Simon. "Alright, you don't need to stick around, bud. Go back to your friends."

"Yea, scram," Kie adds, shooing him along with the flick of her wrist.

I scoff when he lingers, ready to say something else until I hear a voice sound from behind us.

"Hey ladies, how was class."

JJ talks in a sorta high pitched voice, Pope shaking his head from next to him. But his playful tone drops when he sees Simon. "Hey man."

"Hey, JJ." Neither seemed particularly fond of each other, but it was only when I noticed the expensive polo shirt that Simon wore I realized why. "Heard you got fired from the country club," Simon mentions; "did you hear about that, Lexi?"

I don't say anything, neither does JJ. "She's picky; apparently," Simon tells JJ, gesturing to me like I couldn't hear the fucker speaking. "I'd save my breath, everyone knows how you aren't one to wait for a girl."

"Ah, well thanks for the heads up—bro. I'll be sure to keep it in mind."

"Well I mean, it's not like you could take her out to dinner or..." Simon trails off as JJ slings an arm around my shoulder, his jaw set in place as he looks me in the eye.

"I guess your big speech at the country club has become a little scandal, you should consider a career in public speaking," I chuckle, happy to no longer have to look at Simon. Though I was hoping to defuse the tension a bit.

"I can think of better ways to cause a scandal," JJ mutters, his voice sounding far away like he was in some sort of anger induced trance.

Well," I respond, turning so that I can whisper in his ear; "maybe lets think of ways that don't get you suspended during the first week of school."

JJ just makes a dismissive noise, keeping his eyes locked on Simon as he gives him the fakest smile I've ever seen. "Yea... I'm sure you gave it your best shot," JJ taunts, cocking his head to the side.

"Hey, the kiss was good while it lasted."

"Yea, until you got bitch slapped," Kie pipes in. "You should've taken that as your cue to leave."

I pretty much have to drag JJ away after that, telling him over and over again how I had already handled it.

"Doesn't matter if you've already handled it," JJ protests; "it's not going to matter to him."

"What is he going to do, JJ?"

He doesn't know how to respond, raising his hands up in the air. "Anything, Lex. He'd do anything; because to him? I'm barely even an obstacle."

"What's that supposed to mean, JJ?"

His eyes are aflame with something close to rage as he looks up at me, and even though I have to remind myself he isn't mad at me, JJ forgets to do that himself. "It means that rich chicks like you are only ever temporary on the cut, because at some point they grow up and realize that they need to think further ahead," JJ snaps, causing me to recoil. "Eventually, they all expect you to wake up and realize you want someone with a trust fund and a six figure salary."

"I don't know any 17 year old with a six figure salary."

"You know what I mean. Someone with potential."

"Well that's not how I feel, JJ. And you know that."

"For now, at least." He's pacing back and forth as Pope and Kie finally meet us out back, looking to me for some explanation as to why JJ looks like he's about to throw a fit. "He doesn't even see you as being in a relationship, Lexi," JJ finally hisses.

"Well I happen to be in a relationship, so he can think whatever the fuck he wants, JJ. It isn't going to change the fact that he is wrong, and I'm a little offended that you think otherwise after all this time."

JJ tugs at his hair, leaning up against the side of the school, muttering something I don't quite catch. I turn to Kie and Pope, "hey, meet us in the car, okay?"

"Don't have to tell me twice," Pope says, patting my shoulder as they leave. "Good luck."

I wait until they're gone before I approach JJ, taking his hand in mine so that he's forced to look me in the eye. "I'm not going to talk about the future," I start. "But I can tell you right now that I don't need the luxuries I grew up with."

"But you like them."

"Because I didn't have anything else to like, they loose like half their value when you realize what else is out there, they're only necessary when you don't have people to make you feel good." I think for a moment, insulted by how quickly he was willing to think I'd change sides; "don't tell me how I'm meant to feel, okay?"

He doesn't look me in the eye, though he does plant a kiss on my forehead. "We should go to the car," is all he says.

Neither of us say anything more.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

We go out later that night, driving to where Ward had told Gavin to meet.

"So, what's the plan, Sam," I ask, leaning forward to grab Pope by the shoulders as he sits in the passenger seat of the car. "How are you going to get your phone back?"

"When Gavin gets out of the car to meet Ward, I guess." If Gavin gets out of the car at all, I add silently to myself.

We begin to pick up on some audio as we drive, and it makes sense that Gavin must be close as we're both trying to get to the same location at the same time. "There," I say. "He's literally right in front of us."

"Do I pull behind him? What do I do," Kie asks as he begins to slow, knowing it'll look too obvious if we do the same.

"Go around the block," Pope tells her, a suggestion he immediately regrets as we get stopped by construction.

"Are you kidding me," Kie cries, but I've stopped paying attention to what's going on around me because I suddenly can't take a proper breath. There was literally no reason for me to be having a panic attack right now, but when I glance over at JJ I swear he's angling himself so that he isn't anywhere close to me.

I don't notice what's going on after that until we're getting out of the car, running through some random persons lawn.

Maybe I do have a reason to panic.

"Shawn?" JJ seems fine when he recognizes some guy and calls out to him. "This is where you live? You kook."

But when I look back again to see if they're following Pope, he gives me some guarded look before jogging past me. Pope is peering over a fence by the time we finally catch up, and he gestures for us to follow him over.

"Pope, do you see them?" I hiss.

"Yea, we're really close to where he said to meet."

We hurry after him down an empty street, ducking down an alleyway just in time as my eyes fall on Ward Cameron for the fist time since this summer. It felt almost like a dream, like I had forgotten he was an actual person. But then he slips out of sight, panic imminent among us before JJ signals to follow him up to some better vantage point.

"I'll catch up," I tell Pope. "Let me grab your phone."

"You sure?"

"You're the one with the camera, just make sure you get whatever happens on video."

I can hear JJ asking Pope where I'm going, but I don't stick around to hear his response to the idea as I'm already trying to find Gavins car. It's fairly easy to spot, and being alone allows me time to try to calm myself down. But until I know JJ isn't mad at me and it's all in my head, I can't do much about it.

An idea comes to mind when I realize the car door is locked, the window open just a crack to let some air in. I fumble for my keys, finding the tool a friend from LA had given me and extending it down the crack of the window. Thank God for old cars, I think to myself as I unlock it from the inside, finding Popes phone in the same place he must've left it before making my way back to where I know my friends will be.

"We think this is a payoff." I turn towards JJ as he catches me up with what's going on when I slip in next to him, handing Pope his phone, though JJ keeps his eyes glued to the scene in front of him. Anxiety clawed at my lungs, and I wanted to yell at myself for focusing on it rather than getting our friends name cleared for murder. God, what was wrong with me? I couldn't even focus on what Pope was telling us, suddenly feeling so sick with panic that everything I had been reassured with yesterday means absolute nothing to me.

But everyone was too preoccupied to notice how I suddenly had to hold onto the fence to support myself.

It was only when I heard the gunshot that I realized what I had been looking at, and I don't even register that I just saw someone die in front of me until my mind is spiralling out of control.

It forces me back in time: and I'm hearing the noise from some four poster bed as I smoke a joint. I hear the body hit the floor from the room over, I have to hold my breath or else I'll start coughing.

I never even knew who Nick had shot.

I blink, and realize I've been pulled down, the rain hitting my face telling me that I'm in nobody's room—no four-poster bed to be seen.

"Nononono, that did not just happen," Kie cries; clearly on the verge of tears.

"Pope, tell me you just got that," JJ says.

"Enough to put this guy away for life."

I stay there on the ground, trying to console Kie who's got her hands over her head, trying to process what she just saw. But I'm useless, the most I can do is rub her back and tell her she's okay, my words low and slurred on my lips.

I don't notice she's gotten up as the boys begin to pack up until Pope asks what she's doing. She stands on the fence; "what is wrong with you?" She screams, loud enough for him to hear, "murderer! Murderer!"

"Kie, what the fuck are you doing!" I exclaim, still drunk on whatever tranquilizer my brain gives me when I get like this.

"He definitely heard you," Pope tells her.

"I don't care if he heard me, he's a murderer," she exclaims.

"Well, he's about to come murder us," JJ fires back, Pope proving his point as he realizes that Ward had seen us. "Fuck, come on; lets go!"

"Are you serious?" Kie asks.

"Why wouldn't he be," I yell over the rain. "You practically waved your hands and called him over!"

We scramble down the stairs, Kie stepping on JJs hand as she goes to make her way down the latter; causing both of the boys to fall to the bottom.

And the camera? Toast.

We don't have time to do anything else other than get back to the car, the moments which follow the slam of the door consisting of us gasping for breath before JJ speaks up. "Can someone tell me... what the frick just happened!"

His voice is followed by Pope letting out a yell of frustration.

"Okok, what were they fighting over," I ask weakly. "It has to have some significance."

"It was... um, it was—oh—a gun! It must've been the gun that Rafe had used," Pope realizes.

"A murder weapon," JJ adds, but my attention is diverted to Kie as she's muttering something from under her breath.

"Who are you calling," Pope asks as he notices it too.

"Who do you think?" Kie says like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"The cops!" We all seem to figure it out at once.

"Who else am I supposed to call?"

"Why would you call the police, that's Ward," JJ points out.

"You really think he doesn't have ties to the police department, Kie? Why do you think his case was dropped so quickly," I exclaim, my fingernails digging into my skin to the point where they draw blood. I look down to realize it as we hear the sheriff department answer, and Kie tells us all to shut up.

I open my hands—palms up—to observe the spots of red that fan out along the lines of my skin, no longer listening to what Kie was saying.

I tell them I need air, though I'm sure I don't have to say anything as my presence to them was relative; relative to the point where I question if I really was even here at all.

I reach some alleyway so that I'm out of sight and cave to the feelings that consume me; only stopping when I see new bruises begin to form on my wrists.

**^**

To top the night off, the cops found nothing, and we looked like a couple of kids who had taken a bit too much acid.

"Get home to your parents, now," Shoupe tells us. But, as soon as we're out of earshot, Kie and JJ start arguing about who's fault it was.

"I told you this would happen, like you're the one who had to drop the camera," JJ says to Pope, who isn't willing to engage.

"Don't blame Pope for this," I tell him, adjusting my pace so that I can walk with him instead of listen to JJ and Kie.

I hear them anyways. "It was your fault," Kie tells him.

"Oh, that was my fault?" JJ exclaims.

"Yes. It was your fault."

"Why do you always take his side, like why do you never side with me," JJ asks her before looking to me. "Both of you!"

I stop dead in my tracks, "what the fuck are you on about?" I ask, turning back to look at him in shock after telling myself I wasn't going to engage.

"You're up there, walking with him! It's pretty clear who's side your on!"

"I don't blame you for anything, JJ!" I ignore Pope as he calls out to us, "I just don't want to deal with the arguing."

"Guys!" This time I turn to listen to what Pope has to say. "We aren't out of this yet, we can still get the gun."

But even if we do have a chance, no one spoke the whole ride home.

JJ follows me inside after we get dropped off, but I turn into the washroom before either of us can attempt to break the silence. I examine myself in the mirror before I break, as quite often that is all it takes. The worst part was that it didn't even bug me that a man had died tonight, that all I seemed to care about is how JJ hadn't sat closer to me in the car, how he hasn't acknowledged my presence since arguing about Simon.

I bite the shirt of my sleeve to muffle my sobs, telling myself over and over again that we had bigger things to worry about then a bad mood. You aren't the God damn centre of the universe, Lexi. Bold of you to assume literally everything is about you, I tell myself.

Just chill out.

He's going to leave.

I sink to the floor, the thought of him leaving now playing over and over again in my head; he's going to leave—and everything he said yesterday was meaningless. Our attempt at being open, at communicating, it had all meant nothing.

Where do you rate your pain, on a scale of 1 to 10?

7. Solid 7. For absolutely no reason at all.

I try my best to compose myself, as I'm already trying to blame it on how we didn't go for another round yesterday, or how I had freaked out earlier in the evening. Not everything is about you, I remind myself.

But that's all he wants you for. All he wants is what's between your legs, Lexi. You should know better by now. How could you even want all that cute shit when you know it isn't real? It doesn't exist without your sex appeal.

I leave the bathroom, slipping into my closet to change into clothes for bed. I don't wear his.

He's waiting for me when I finally reappear in the living room. I stare at him for a moment; "do you wanna have sex?" I ask, the question slips out before I can stop myself.

His lip curves down, "I thought we talked about this."

"Yea, well; it clearly didn't matter because your mad at me."

Jesus Christ, just go to bed Lexi.

"I'm not mad at you," JJ says, but doesn't come closer—doesn't do anything at all.

"Fuck off, I know you are. And sex seems to be the only way to fix that with you."

"That's not... true."

"Yes it is, don't lie. I thought we weren't meant to lie to one another, isn't that why we spent yesterday talking?"

"I'm not lying," JJ insists, with a little bit more emotion now. "Lex, it's just been a really long day."

"Yea? I can imagine. Ignoring me must've taken a real effort." I know it's not what he's talking about, I know that clearing his best friends name should be given his full attention, and hearing the words that come out of my mouth right now actually make me cringe—wishing I could just explain how I felt without sounding so god damn insane.

"What? I haven't been ignoring you, how have I been ignoring you."

"You were sitting away from me!"

Silence fills the room after I speak, neither of us know what to say—and I was pretty sure JJ was trying to figure out if I was being serious. "I was... what?"

"You didn't sit next to me," I try again, slower. "And this is the most you've spoken to me since school. And it makes me feel like you're mad at me."

"I was focused on—"

"—I know, which makes me sound absolutely insane and a horrible narcissist. But you didn't sit next to me..." I pause, "or even see if I was fucking okay."

"Lexi..."

"I mean, we did watch someone die today. Not that it was the first time, or anything," I laugh wildly. "I guess I'm just okay with it now, right? No need to check in? Cause I'm used to it."

"Lexi."

"And you know what? I don't think it would've even fazed if you were there to, I don't know, hold my hand at the end of it all? Do you know how fucked that is? That I don't care someone is dead, I mean, I didn't fucking know him! Who gives a shit if some poor chumps life is lost to the corruption of America." I take a breath, as I'm now able to replay the scene again in my head without going to the countless times I heard a gun go off from my time with Nick. "Fuck, JJ. Ward is just another Nick to me. Another person who's okay to pull that trigger."

"Lexi!"

I shove JJ away when he finally approaches me; "oh, now you want to extend your fucking hand! Go pound sand, JJ. I knew this would fucking happen. I knew no matter how many times I told you I'm not okay you'll still look at me like I'm fucking crazy the second—" I let out a sob, still struggling to keep JJ away from me; "the second I can't help myself. I told you I'm not a good girlfriend, that not all of my issues benefit the... the... male gaze?"

"Male gaze?"

"Yes. Say something, I dare you. I know I'm right." I had no idea if that was the right word to use, but I really didn't care right now.

I finally give into JJ's arms, crying like a fucking idiot because I wish to God I could be someone else right now, someone who could just react like a normal person. "I think I need a Xanax," I finally manage to say.

"What about a drink?"

"That's how alcoholics are created, JJ."

JJ stays silent for a moment, "I don't feel comfortable giving you Xanax."

I look up at him, "it's prescribed."

He sets his jaw in place, "I know." He inhales sharply, "you really think you're the only one who can be unreasonable?"

I take the drink he makes, numbly finding my seat on the couch as I still can't really steady my breath. I look over to see he's made one himself, sitting down next to me. "Hey," he mutters, pushing the hair from my face; "you're bleeding a bit."

"Where?"

He shows me, and I realize I must've banged my arm on something sharp. "Remember what I told you," I ask.

"No teenage movie bullshit?"

I nod; he makes me another drink. He drinks another two.

"JJ," I finally say. "I know John B comes first, I want him to come first too." I finish my drink, turning to make sure he's listening; "I'm sorry if I made it seem like I didn't believe..."

"When you left the car," JJ cuts in. "When you went to get air?" I look over at him, "I know you think I was ignoring you, like I wasn't paying attention... but I was."

"Then why..."

"Because I'm mad at myself, Lex." He lets the words linger in the air for a moment as he downs his drink. "It's like... why not Pope?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, he's not stuck up like a kook—I can understand why you wouldn't like that—but he still has a future ahead of him."

"Because, I see Pope in a very platonic way... why would you... is this about me walking with him?"

JJ waits until I ask him again before he responds; "everyone thinks it's fucking hilarious, me and you. The guys on the cut think I can't handle being tied down to someone, fucking kooks like Simon think they can kiss you and get away with it. I'm... I've got nothing going my way. So I'm asking, why me?"

"I don't see any of our friends in that sort of way. And I don't see you as fucking worthless, JJ. Not to mention the fact that I'm in love with you."

We have another drink.

"I don't like how you assume I could date one of our friends," I admit after I take a few sips. "It infers the idea that you could."

"I could what? Date one of our friends?"

I nod. He laughs, "who would I fucking date? Kie?"

I feel like I'm going to be sick again, because I really didn't like talking about this. My drink is shaking in my hands, and so I put it down as I nod my head again.

"I-I think it would be a weird dynamic, don't you?"

I scoff; "some might say we are a weird dynamic." I look to him, "she has much more of a future ahead of her than I ever would, if you really want to go that route. Plus like, a lot less issues upstairs."

"It would be weird," he repeats.

"So would me and Pope, but you seem confused as to why I had never considered it. I'm just asking to consider things with Kie."

"I have, already."

I really wish I had finished that drink now. "When?"

I watch as JJ backtracks slightly, stuttering out something along the lines of; "not like that. Like, a while ago."

"When you first met her?"

"Well I mean..."

"Cause you thought she was hot?"

"Well I did think she was hot when I first met her, but I knew if we hooked up I would've made things awkward... cause of... the friend group."

"How considerate." He clearly doesn't get the irony of the situation.

"I only really considered it once," he insists. "She was seeing this guy and was planning on, y'know, going all the way. But she was... inexperienced, and wanted to be... experienced."

"So you offered to..."

"No she offered," JJ steps in. "It really wasn't my idea of friendship, however new I was to 'friendly' relations to girls."

"So when I asked if you and Kie had ever done anything... you lied?"

"We kissed for like 3 seconds before I decided it wasn't going to work, I just didn't want to embarrass her by telling you—and I honestly forgot it had even happened."

"But you've changed your mind in the 24hours since we've had that conversation?"

"I mean it when I say that I don't want to lie to you, it had slipped my mind and I really don't think she wants that shared."

"Okay. So, what made you think it wasn't going to work?"

"I don't know, it felt like I was corrupting her. Like she was too good of a person for me. And it'd be wrong to just... sleep with her, and then never talk about it again."

"You felt like she deserved more." Bile sits on my tongue as the words slip out, everything caving in around me as I'm forced to just sit there, acting like nothing is wrong.

"Yea, exactly."

How could he not see how that sounded?

I let my eyes shut for a moment, willing myself to speak before I can actually find my voice. "I think I'm going to go for a walk."

He looks over at me, and only then does he seem to realize what he said. "Wait, I didn't mean—"

I leave before he can finish his sentence, and I'm stumbling down the roads of figure eight without any idea as to where I'm going. I should've taken my fucking meds, cause now I feel like doubling the dose and wishing the world away. Or maybe doing even more, and saying goodbye to the world... oh don't be so dramatic, I scold. Though I know my brain isn't just telling me this for the theatrics.

It's obsessed with finding a reason.

The worst part is that this had all happened way before I was even in the picture, and Kie would have told me if her intentions were more than she had let on to him, right? Either way, I'm now looking at them in a different way, and I hate it because they're two people I love more than anything.

She would've told me, I tell myself. If it was more than anything JJ had let on, she would've told me.

I have to stop walking as I begin to hyperventilate, sitting down to realize I was now on some public dock with no memory as to how I got here. I spot the Camerons residence, and for a moment I think to go see Sarah before I remember how much has changed.

Then, part of me wants to go find Kie to clear the air, but I was tipsy and angry. Because it wasn't Pope or JJ's fault the camera had fallen—it was hers, and at least I can admit I've been spiralling.

She can go fuck herself, honestly.

But then the thought of loosing her suddenly made me cry even harder.

"Lexi?"

I half expect to see JJ when I turn around, even though it sounded nothing like him. Even though the voice should have me up and running the other direction.

"Oh, hello Rafe."

I was fully aware of the severity in the situation, and I know I should be scared, or boiling with rage, but I was too shocked to find it in me to feel either of these things as he approached me. "What brings you out on this fine night? Burying a body?"

He lets out a strangled sort of noise, which for some reason has me laugh. "You're lucky I'm feeling a little unhinged," I tell him. "Because you look awfully guilty. Are you really burying a body?"

And then it hits me.

Gavin. Of fuck, I could end this all right now if I demand to know where he is.

And then, of course, I laugh out loud as I realize there is no way I can demand anything out of him without giving myself more than a 50% chance of survival.

"Why? Does it allow for you to sympathize?" He asks me.

What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? This guy has fully killed someone. This guy is the reason why John B is in the fucking Bahamas.

I swallow hard, "you sound different."

"I've been going through some stuff," Rafe tells me. "Affected me—up here." He points to his head with a little smile.

"Really? I've heard confessional is a great way to mend that sort of thing."

He chuckles, "you are a very odd person, Lexi Aldridge."

"And you aren't high," I suddenly blurt out. "I was wondering why... I mean as crazy as you do sound, I didn't want to kick you in the nuts for it."

"Is that the only reason why you'd want to kick me in the nuts? For being high?"

"No. But it's like you said, I'm forced to sympathize." I take him in now. He's gotten rid of the hair gel, the only good decision he's made in the past few weeks I'm sure, but his appearance isn't what has him look disturbed. It was his eyes, how slowly he speaks—which reminded me of myself after a breakdown. "You don't look good."

"Well, I'm flattered." He looks to me now to, "how are you doing, Lexi."

"I'll 'sympathize'. Doesn't mean we are friends."

"Oh, come on now," Rafe sighs. "I still care about you, you know? And you look like you've been crying."

"Really?" I blubber sarcastically, "I don't know what you're talking about, I've never felt better."

"Lexi, you can talk to me."

"Well, I guess nearly choking me to death had me confused."

"I'm sorry," he says, frowning as he now remembers it too, "I never meant to hurt you. I was high." I look down to see his hand was reaching for mine, but he seems to change his mind half way through as he balls his fist and brings it back to his side.

His phone lights up, breaking the moment of silence that passed over the two of us: a missed call from his dad.

"You should probably get that," I tell him. "Especially before I sober up and remember the hell you've put my friends through."

He stands, still looking me in the eye; "are you afraid of me?"

"Not right now," I admit truthfully, sniffling a bit as a few more tears run down my face for no good reason at all. "But you can be scary," I assure him. "Don't worry."

"When I'm high?" He's laughing a bit at how I pretend to comfort him.

I nod; "or when your just around people you don't like."

He scrunches his mouth, contemplating with the idea of saying more before he just settles on goodbye. I'm glad he does, and I decide on trying to find my way home before I become properly lost, or before Rafe comes back to deal with me when his messed up brain tells him I know too much.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"JJ?"

Before I can register what's happening as I walk through the door, I feel a body barrel into me, squeezing me so hard I let out a small squeak of air. JJ pulls away, "please, don't ever do that again." I don't say anything, and I think he can tell how much of a wreck I am because he pulls me back into his arms. "I thought you went to Laurie's, but when you didn't come back for a bit I went over and..."

"And I wasn't there," I feebly conclude for him.

"I didn't mean it like that, Lexi," he whispers after a moment, addressing the elephant in the room.

"I know I wasn't always special to you," I start, pulling away so I can wipe the tears away from my face. "I know that doesn't mean that you don't love me now but you really didn't need to rub it in like that."

"It wasn't meant to have anything to do with us," JJ tries. "I really meant it when I say I had completely forgotten about it until we started talking."

I know he's going to say more, but I wave my hand to get him to stop speaking. "JJ, I... I'm tired. I've had a long, very emotional day. I don't want to hear about this anymore," I plead softly. "I can't hear about this anymore."

"No!" I step back in surprise by how suddenly he exclaims, and he apologizes in a lower voice when he realizes he startled me. "I just... don't want to be those people who go to bed mad at each other over stupid misunderstandings, I really don't."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that that's my rule."

I scoff, "one hell of a rule buddy, given our track record."

"Okay, if you don't agree then I revoke my no teenage bullshit," JJ tells me.

"What?"

"Yup! Get ready, cause I'm about to go full 13 Reasons Why on your ass."

I hate how I actually have to try to keep a straight face. "JJ..."

"Right. Staying on task."

"Just say what you want to say. I'm not saying it'll work or anything but..."

"Well, I sorta need to explain everything," he tells me. "And to do that, I need you to, um, not say anything till the end."

"Okay."

I was too wrecked for this, I didn't want to hear how he could've had someone like Kie. But I sit down and let him speak.

He starts off with what he had already told me, how it was literally seconds before he got uncomfortable and pulled away.

"When I say 'better,' I don't mean it in the way you think I do," JJ explains. "I meant that she thought she was better than me, like she was somehow destroying the last of her dignity by kissing me, and kept muttering stuff like 'I can't believe I'm doing this, this is so stupid.' Lex, she was fucking pacing around the room before she told me her plan... kept telling me how I still wasn't allowed to think of her sexually because I needed to still respect her and shit. You're going to look me in the eye and tell me that that wouldn't feel weird to you?"

"Then why did you..."

"I didn't! She just sorta went for it and I was in fucking shock! Not to mention the fact that I was high as balls," JJ exclaims. "She kept telling me how I just need to think of it as a favour for a friend and then I just thought of like... Pope? Or John B, and how absolutely insane of a request that would be if it was either of them."

I can't help but laugh at that; "you mean you don't think of John B to get you off in your free time."

JJ actually looks a little scarred from whatever image came to mind at the thought, and I really wish it didn't make me laugh harder, but it did. "Ah, no. Doesn't exactly do it for me," JJ grimaces with a shiver. "But... what were we... oh yea! I was going to say that it made me realize that I really didn't see 'friends' in that way, and I didn't just throw that word around, cause like, it means something to me."

"And I'm glad it means something to you too," he adds to his point hastily. "Cause you're right. It was wrong of me to assume you defined friends differently after everything we've been through."

"Thank you."

He gives me a small grin; "is this helping?"

"Yea," I admit softly, clearing my throat when I hear the state of my voice. "So you didn't feel as thought you were too 'impure' for her, she did?"

"Yea well, we were younger then, I think my habits were seen as a lot more unusual then they would be now. I think I would've done it if I knew we could have been friends after. But I don't think we could've, I don't think I would have liked her."

"What do you mean?"

"Kie believes I need to be a better person. I think she would try to make me one if she had slept with me, in order to ease her own conscious."

"You really think so?"

"I know I'm not always the best person, Lex. But I don't think Kie's better than me because she has high morals and all that shit. Her freaking out as if she was about to commit the ultimate sin made me realize how she really couldn't believe she was bringing herself to my 'level', whatever that may be."

I don't know how to respond, letting the words sink in as he fiddles with the rings on his fingers. "Then, um," I don't even want to say it, but he's looking at me with such care that I feel like I'm allowed to speak my mind. "How do I... where do I fit in all of this?"

"This was a few years ago."

"I know, but... what made you know you'd like me even after we had sex."

"Cause you seemed as though you actually wanted to sleep with me, even though you were, and still are, very far out of my league," JJ tells me bluntly. "The only times you ever seemed ashamed of us, you had pretty good reason to feel that way. And even then, you never made it seem as if you thought you were better than me, you never..."

"I'm not better than you," I tell him. "It's not about opinion, I made those decisions just as you made them; you never forced me to do anything and I never did anything begrudgingly because I liked you."

"See! I mean, why do you think I was so insistent on us not being friends? I mean, despite everything I told myself I... liked you a lot, and the thought of only being a friend to you at the end of it all? You just moving on, maybe getting a proper boyfriend and never really talking about it again? It killed me." He takes a second to breathe, "you just made me feel good, and like I wasn't just some insignificant guy on the cut when I was with you."

His voice is breaking, and I look up to see that he's clutching his chest, trying to steady his heart. "Hey," I whisper, trying to get him to turn and look at me.

"No, no," he insists, continuing to look down at the floor. "I don't want you to see me keep... I don't know why I keep..."

He finally lets me pull him into a hug, continuing to apologize over and over again between gasps of breath.

"Just breath," I tell him, wishing I could do more than just sit there and watch him panic.

"I thought now that we know John B's alive that I'd stop having these stupid fucking meltdowns but I just can't pull myself together," he gasps. "I've kept it together my whole life. I never cried, I swear, I never..."

"JJ, I think you're just having a panic attack. You're going to be okay," I try, hoping it might ease his mind a bit.

"No, I'm fine," JJ rambles on. "I don't understand how you could still think so highly of me. I'm supposed to be helping you, and I'm doing a shit job of that."

"You're literally my favourite person in the world." The words slip out before I can stop myself. "So I don't see why you'd be some 'temporary obstacle', as you put it earlier, or some mistake I'm going to realize later because you're... you."

His heart is still beating out of his chest, but I feel his ribs expanding and contracting when he takes a breath now as he's started to get proper air to his lungs. With oxygen, his features relax, and he awkwardly blinks away the tears that were in his eyes. "Your favourite person in the world, huh? That's quite an accomplishment."

I can't help but let out a shaky sigh of relief as the JJ I know starts to talk again, followed by a fit of giggles when I look down to see his attempt at a cocky smirk. "Well, lets not rub it in," I add, running my hands through my hair as I'm still straddling his waist. "But yea."

"Well. You're mine."

It felt good to kiss him when I do, it felt good to have him carry me up to my bedroom and curl up next to him when he lies down next to me.

"I wish I could stop hurting you," he whispers, almost to himself as he wipes the remnants of my tears away. "I hate fighting with you."

"We can't just talk when we aren't under pressure or else it's going to explode every time. Stop pushing me away when you feel that discomfort."

"Really? I haven't noticed that to be the case," JJ grins. "Do you think we are prone to exploding?"

I snort in response, partly aware that I once again feel relaxed in his arms. But just as I'm about to fall asleep he speaks up.

"I can't go to sleep knowing you are still mad."

"What?"

"That's a rule. We don't go to sleep mad at one another."

I nod slowly, "okay, that's a rule then. I'm not mad, are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Okay, bedtime then."

"I want to tell you something else," JJ quickly says before he can chicken out, "but I don't want you to think I had been hiding it from you." I turn to look at him, watching at how he bites his lip as he waits for me to respond, realizing he never got to really finish the whole story he was trying to tell me earlier.

"Is it about Kie?" He nods. "Did she..."

He nods again, and eventually tells me that she had come onto him after I had left, that he had turned her down and it had been another lapse of judgement on her part that she had later apologized for.

"I didn't want you to get upset, and it really wasn't anything, but I think it's better when we are honest. Cause I want to be, and I feel guilty when I feel like I'm holding back."

"Okay," I say after a moment, the only ill feelings which arise aren't directed at him this time. "Let's go to bed."

"You promise?"

I know what he's asking, and I give him my best attempt at a smile. "Don't worry, killer. I won't break your rule as long as you don't break mine."

**^**

I do my best to ignore the feelings that had resulting in my conversation with JJ the next day.

"This is the north drain," JJ explains, "it should've gotten washed into the gully."

"Which means the gun is probably somewhere in the garbage," Pope finishes for JJ.

"10 points to Francis," I grin, holding my hand out for him to high five it.

"Oh my god, people who use plastic need to be shot," Kie complains.

"Why don't you call up Ward and see if he's doing commissions now?" JJ snorts at my comment, Kie just looks mildly horrified. "Too soon?"

"Yea, a little," Kie exclaims, and I snicker out some half-assed apology for my poor sense of timing.

"Ok well, personally? I love plastic. Use it everyday. Love the stuff," JJ tells her, and she's instantly informing him about how to properly dispose of it. At least she's committed to what she preaches, I have to give her that.

Pope knows that about her as well, apparently. "Thought you'd say something like that," Pope tells her. "So... trash bags."

I can tell she's trying to not grin when she realizes, her cheeks colouring slightly. "Did you just proactively protect the environment?" She asks, full of pride.

"Maybe."

"You want us to leave you two alone or... what's going on," JJ asks entertainingly, using every chance he can to take a crack at their odd relationship. But Pope only throws a rolled up trash bag at JJ, dismissing his comment by telling him to just pick up trash. Still, I can't help but smile at the look of accomplishment on Kie's face, her lips drawn into a fine frown as she holds back a smile.

She catches my stare, how I try to frown as well so that I don't look too excited for the two. "Oh come on," she grumbles in a low voice when I'm the only one in earshot. "They're friends with me, they better be protecting the environment."

"Oh, I'm sure Pope was just too afraid to face the wrath of Kie to ignore all this garbage," I fire back, making a point to expand the garbage back with a certain amount of aggression just so that she can't say anything else over the noise.

Unfortunately, apart from the odd comment from JJ, we were left pretty much to our thoughts for the next half hour. I can't help but continue to think back to last night, stealing the odd glance at Kie, observing her to be fairly content knee deep in marsh water, picking up trash.

When I look at her now, I can't help but wonder how she could be the same person as the one to offer herself to her friends ex (at the time) boyfriend.

And JJ was her friend too.

Does she not see him as a serious option, does she think I'm an idiot for calling this a relationship if she can only see JJ as noncommittal? JJ said she had told him he still had to respect her if they had gone through with it, but I can't help but wonder if that meant she didn't believe he respected me. I swallow hard, knowing that all this was still better than the other option. Because the case that has her using this all as a cover for something more has me physically shudder.

"Hey, earth to Lexi," JJ sings, snapping me out of the trance I had been in, and I turn to pass him the last of my garbage bags. "Wanna grab some lunch slash dinner after this?"

"For some reason, picking up garbage hasn't done much for my appetite," I chuckle.

"Well, I'm sure they'll have coffee," JJ points out, nudging me when I don't respond right away.

"Yea, okay. Let's just figure out this whole 'gun' thing first."

"Alright. Can the lovebirds focus for a second?"

We both turn towards Kie as her words are laced with fucking venom, and the Kie I'm looking at now has everything JJ said making sense. "Right, sorry Kiara," I snicker, trying to keep the sarcasm to a minimum as I catch JJ's dumbfounded expression. "No need for the hostility."

"Right, well, the gun isn't here," Kie explains the obvious, everyone already figuring what this discovery means.

"So it's... it's in the storm drain," JJ concludes, looking to us for confirmation before finishing his sentence.

"Damn it," Pope curses.

"Of course it is."

I glance around at our surroundings, some part of me hoping the gun would just be laying there in the shoreline. I turn back as JJ gets the crowbar out. "So are we going to rock, paper, scissors it," Kie asks.

"No." JJ doesn't even look up when he responds.

"Or alphabetically?"

JJ's already shaking his head as he gets Pope to help him with the barrier. "Nope," JJ says, turning his attention back to the task at hand. "On three Pope. One. Two. Three."

"Or like the oldest?"

"Kie. I feel like this isn't going to be a fair decision," I tell her in a low voice.

"In the sewer, there's this worm that you get down there. It get's into your blood, and then it has to come out of your pecker," JJ explains. "So uh... that's going to be a hard no for me. Hey!" He turns to look at me when I roll my eyes, "you really want to risk THAT shooting out instead of... instead of..."

"Let's not finish that sentence," I quickly say as he makes some gesture that sorta resembles him jacking off. "But I'm sure that THAT's not how it works."

"Yea, whatever," JJ says, turning to Pope for his input.

"Well, it's going to be a no for me," Pope decides.

"No, I get it, you guys are scared," Kie taunts, the two boys instantly breaking out into protest as they try to defend their honour. "It's kinda cute." She turns to look at me, "so, are you going to play this fairly?"

"Nah, you seem to be taking charge pretty well," I chuckle. "You've got this."

"I've got this?"

"Oh yea," I grin, giving her a half-assed thumbs up; "go get'em tiger."

"Don't want to dirty your new shoes, princess?" The nickname sounds weird coming from Kie's mouth, reminding me that JJ had originally meant for the name to be an insult. Not that it was one that did much more than make me laugh.

"If that's what's going to get me out of this than yes. These shoes mean quite a bit to me."

"Whatever, you'd still be a better candidate."

"How so?"

She gestures to me, "you're like a stick, Lex. You'd be skinny enough to fit through an air vent."

"Well... this isn't an air vent so get in there." I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I can't help but hear my mother laughing in her face at that comment. Not skinny enough for her, never fucking skinny enough for mother dearest.

"Yea, okay. I'll do it."

"Just, be careful," Pope tells her, just before she's about to go in.

"I'll be so careful," Kie mirrors sarcastically.

Pope grimaces. "Yea. I deserved that."

"Just uh... holler if you need anything," JJ yells into the drain as Kie crawls into it. "We'll... holler back."

"Very helpful. Thank you," she fires back, her voice travelling through the tunnel she was now well along into.

The boys get impatient fairly quickly, asking her what she's found. "Guys," I say. "If she finds anything, she'll let us know."

"Are you guys fighting or something?"

It takes me a second to realize Popes talking to me. "No? I don't think so. I'm just..." How do I even explain how I feel towards her right now? I glance over at JJ, sharing a look before turning back to Pope. "That shit she pulled yesterday. I'm still pissed about that."

"You really can't hold a grudge when she was just in shock."

"It was awfully rich of her to blame everyone else but herself," I laugh, glancing into the sewer before pulling out some disposable I found in my pocket after I had forgotten I bought it a couple days ago. "I know she was in shock," I add hastily when I catch Popes stare, "it's just... this all could've been avoiding if she hadn't caught the 'murderers' attention."

"She'll, come to realize it eventually," Pope tells me. "Is that weed?"

I look down to see he's looking at what's in my hand. "Nicotine," I tell him. "Want it?"

Pope shakes his head, prompting me to take another hit before pocketing it, catching JJ's stare.

"So," JJ speaks up after a moment of silence. "Speaking of Kie. I never did get to ask. You and her? First base? Second, third?" Pope is already pulling back before JJ's even finished his sentence, but JJ is holding him so that he can't get away.

"Nada," Pope tells him. "Just like I told you last time: not even in the same ballpark."

"Still?"

"I tried to be edgy, out-there Pope and she didn't like that. And then I tried to be strait-laced Pope—"

"—yea, I understand," JJ says, starting the get the sense the Pope is getting worked up.

"And-and-AND."

"I UNDERSTAND," JJ exclaims, holding Pope steady as he begins to flail his arms about.

"And she didn't like that either!"

"You know what, you just gotta think. I know you can do that," JJ tells his friend. "Light some candles, put on some Otis Redding. Yea! That would work, or like, play guitar!"

"I can't play guitar, I can't—Did he do any of this for you?" Pope asks me.

I laugh. "Oh yea. Guitar and everything."

"Hey! Wait—"

JJ's voice is cut off by Kie telling us that she thinks she's found something, our attention turning back to the sewer. "Guy's I think I found something," she tells us, only to let out a shriek moments later.

"Kie, what is it," I yell.

"Guy's there's something dead in here!"

"L-like a person," Pope exclaims, glancing wildly at us before focusing back on the sewer, but all we can hear is her freaking out.

"Did you find the gun," JJ asks her. "Is it Gavin?"

"Kie?" I call out, the others continuing to try and get a response out of her. "Kie, are you okay?"

"You guys owe me for life!"

JJ keeps talking, but something starts to sound strange as we listen for her. "Hold on," Pope murmurs, turning to listen closer. "Do you hear that?"

"What?" JJ asks.

"Yea, it almost sounds like..."

My suspicion is confirmed by the frantic cry of Kiara, yelling, "oh shit! Guys, the water!"

"Kiara! Get out of there," Pope shouts, him and JJ now right at the entrance. I'm about to tell them to get away from the drain, but before I can find the words the two boys are getting slammed by a wall of water.

"Shit! Guys come on!" I'm not looking back to see if they're following me, and I'm running towards Kie's voice to try and find the drain she's banging on. "Kie! Don't worry alright," I try, though I'm sure my frantic voice wasn't exactly reassuring when I reach her. "It's stuck," I tell the boys when they reach us, and they're finding slots to grab onto and pulling with me.

JJ tries his Swiss Army knife when we realize what we're doing isn't working. But the knife snaps, and we're back to plan A. "Guys, when the water comes up," I breathe out. "It'll help, we just have to pull when the water pushes against the cover."

Pope seems to get what I'm trying to say, and as the water goes over Kie's head we pull the grate free, Kie flopping onto the pavement as she gasps for breath.

"Kiara," Pope gasps, going in for a hug only to get pushed away.

"Get off, Pope get off of me," she pleads weakly, obviously not willing to be trapped in anything anytime soon.

"Kie, you good?" JJ asks.

"Never better," Kie assures, giving a thumbs up without looking up at us.

She takes a few exhales, taking the time to reorient herself after a close encounter with death, chuckling weakly as she couldn't quite believe what had just happened. "This isn't what we were looking for, right?"

We stare at the gun in her hands blankly for a second, forgetting the original point of this little adventure before it registers what, exactly, we're looking at. I'm the first to start laughing, the other three following behind me with worn in smiles. "Holy shit," I wheeze, watching as JJ cleans it off. "You did it!"

I help her up, and find myself embracing her, "you did it," I repeat over and over again. The boys join in, the four of us taking a moment to celebrate in each others arms before JJ pulls away.

"C'mon," he says. "Let's get this to Shoupe."

I run up behind Pope as we're leaving, getting a piggy back ride back to the car.

Of course, once we actually got to the police station, we quickly realize that this was far from over.

"So y'all are telling me, that this is the firearm Rafe Cameron killed Peterkin with?"

"That is exactly what we are telling you, Shoupe," JJ fires back, his voice firm as he can hear Shoupe's disbelief in his voice. We share a glance as Pope continues on off of JJ's point, and I silently move to extend my hand for him to take.

"I—" Shoupe takes a second to study each of us, his eyes landing on me. "And where's that corpse, again?"

"Didn't you look?" Kiara exclaims, which would have been a little funny if it weren't for the fact that all of our efforts were appearing to be in vain now. It was unbelievably frustrating, Kie refusing to give into what Shoupe is telling whereas JJ is just getting mad.

"Are you going to at least send it in for ballistics and shit or are you just going to sit on your ass?"

"No, he's going to sit there and wax his damn moustache," JJ fires back before Shoupe gets a chance to respond, prompting him to kick us all out of his office. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt his feelings," he taunts.

"Just shut up," Pope hisses, but even he calls out in protest when Shoupe tells us to get out.

I'm the last to leave, but Shoupe stops me on my way out. "Aldridge, a moment?"

I glance over at Pope as he's a few steps in front of me, gesturing for him to just wait outside. "Yea. Of course."

He steps away from the door, "I wanted to ask you how you're doing, Lexi."

"I'd be doing a lot better if I felt you would believe us."

"You didn't say much," Shoupe points out.

"I-um. I don't like police stations," I tell him. "And I doubt anything I'd say would make you change your mind."

"Picking your battles?"

"Yea," I laugh humourlessly, "watch out. I'll be waiting for my moment to give you a piece of my mind."

Silence falls over us, and I nervously glance at the door as Shoupe shuts it. "You know, I still remember the first time I had met you," Shoupe tells me then, completely changing the topic as I realize he actually had a reason to speak to me. "You were in a hospital bed, waiting for the nurse to stitch up the side of your face."

"Well, I'm known to leave a lasting first impression."

"Well kid, lets just say we don't see something like what happened to you everyday. But, I think the thing I'll remember most about you was how calm you were about it, you made small talk with the nurse whenever she came around, you weren't even crying," Shoupe explains to me. "And I remember you turning to me after a question, and assuring me that you were fine. It was your brother who got you the restraining order."

"What's this gotta do with anything," I ask.

"I just... I can't forget that look in your eyes, and as someone who took a vow to protect his people, it just about breaks me every time it comes to mind, reminds me of how we failed you that day."

"Yea, well. It isn't a fond memory of mine, either."

"What I'm trying to say is that I've always felt a need to look out for you, since then."

"Well, here's an idea: reopen the case on Peterkin."

"I'm not talking about what's going on right now," Shoupe cuts in. "And I'm not going to talk about your choice of friends, whether they're a good or bad decision. But, you're aware Nick Paris is now no longer alive?"

"I am."

"Do you know how he died?"

"Something about drugs," I say, suddenly very careful of how even my tone is. "Everything else was happening around the same time, it was only mentioned to me briefly."

Shoupe nods slowly, watching me, waiting to see what emotions will make their way to the surface. Unfortunately for him, I was mostly focused on trying to get myself to stop dissociating, and so I really had a very 'neutral' expression. "You know, with someone like that, I'd understand if you didn't think we had any power over him, if you had expected the system to fail you again. So if someone else had protected you, or if you had protected yourself..."

"Yes, well it's good thing it never had to come to that."

"You know, the coroners report had a couple interesting things to say."

"Well I can imagine, Nick liked to live in the moment," I say. Level tone, level tone, level tone, I remind myself, every time I go to speak. "I'm sure bodies like his could tell a thousand stories."

"Well, in Nick's case, you should know that anything that had been flagged was discarded because of his... profession, lets say. But you should also know that things could've also gone very differently if I had let them."

We both stare at one another, and I'm silent in hopes he'll drop the subject. "You should get back to your friends," he finally says. "And... boyfriend. You're dating JJ Maybank, no?"

I nod, "yea. And you're right, I should get back to my friends."

"Ok, well... if things go south again, you already know where to find help," Shoupe sighs, leading me out of his office. "And as for the other stuff, tell your friends to stop trying to act like detectives and let us do our job."

I'm too stunned to make any remarks regarding his work ethic, and head outside to try and find the others.

It's only later that I realize Shoupe was thinking of JJ to be his father son.

Chapter Text

**LAURIE**

It was safe to say that Topper was fucked. Like, lying on the pool table with a garbage bag in his hands drunk, muttering some nonsense about getting him some coke to keep the night going.

For reference, it was 9:30.

And of course, I leave him alone for two minutes to take a piss, only to come back and find him gone. God, he was worse than my sister.

I spot him rather quickly, wandering aimlessly down the street, though I'm forced to jog a bit so I don't loose him—steering him away from the woods he was about to stumble into. "Dude, your going to get hit by a car," I say, guiding him by his shoulders so that he isn't walking in diagonal lines.

"Let'em hit me," Topper slurs. "No, wait. I wanna go this way."

"But the house is back in the other direction," I point out, giving up as he wiggles his way out of my grasp and turns right back around to go in the direction he started in.

"No. Wanna go for a walk."

I sigh, reluctantly following him only because I really had nothing better to do. Moving back here had been weird enough, but I had forgotten how much more freedom I get in the OBX. Of course, that is, when I'm not babysitting Topper, and when I look up at him I'm suddenly running to catch up so that I can pull him away from the oncoming traffic, a short giggle escaping him when he realizes how close he was to being roadkill.

"Damn. Thanks man," he murmurs, before taking off at an alarming fast pace for a drunk man.

"Oh for fuck's sake," I grumble, not bothering to keep up to him at this moment, and instead hanging back to check my phone when I hear it go off. I already know who the unknown number is, telling me "she only got black coffee."

I sigh, my fingers hovering over the keypad for a second before I type.

> Don't call her out on it. Just get a smoothie or something and then keep offering it to her.

I know she's trying, but from what JJ told me I highly doubt it's going to be enough to get her through this. She needs interference, people pushing her to get better before she hurts herself, not after. And it wasn't the food that concerned me, as that was usually the first thing she looses whenever faced with stress, it was the bruises, the running away without stopping to think why.

I would never say it to JJ's face, but the dude was in way over his head, and I think Lexi knew that too. She was too fragile to have anything else in her life go wrong right now. It was enviable; she had surpassed a tolerable amount of trauma someone can realistically deal with, it didn't matter how much he cared.

And I knew it wasn't even rock bottom; we both had so much farther to fall.

I was waiting for that snap, I've been waiting for it since the summer leading to 11th grade when she drove dads Porsche into a concrete post only to spend the next few weeks recovering from a broken jaw. I've been waiting for it since she took molly and never really recovered from the come down; since I refused to talk to her for weeks on end after everything fell apart. It was just a matter of time before those moments of self-destruction begin to last longer; until it's just mania and she has to go on those meds and... well we've already talked about what that looks like for her.

So if JJ can't handle her now, he certainly won't be able to handle her then.

"Dude, I think I really loved her."

I turn towards Topper as he's looking back at me, forgetting he was even here for a moment as I'm forced out of my thoughts. "Who do you love," I ask, mildly confused.

"Sarah."

I try not to grimace aloud; "she loved me, right?" He asks.

"Don't dwell on stuff like that," I tell him, but I know he's not going to leave it alone now.

"But she loved me though, right?" He repeats, a little more desperately this time.

I sigh, pitying the guy for being so hung up on a girl who went down in a storm for someone else. "I think... I think she cherished the time you guys had together," I tell him with as much sincerity as I can muster. "And I think she knows that you are a better guy than how you acted at the end."

"I was... I was just trying to protect her," he slurs. He sorta spins back around, taking a second to regain his balance before he starts to walk again. "C'mon, we're almost here."

I stop mid-step when I realize where we are, my eyes landing on Rafe coming out to greet us. "Jesus, Top. What the fuck are you doing here," he asks, looking up to find me after a second. "Laurie! You're back."

He doesn't look too surprised, but I guess word travels fast. He pulls me into a short hug, his eyes kinda wide and unsettling when he pulls away to look at me. "I missed you man, so much shit has happened here I—"

"—Hey, and you can tell me all about it," I laugh lightly, reaching out and grabbing Topper from the back of his shirt so that he doesn't wander off again. "But this guy needs water or something."

"Nah, I need coke," Topper tells us. "The cocaine, that beautiful white powder..."

Rafe snorts as Topper rambles on, "oh I'm sure you do buddy," he says as he leads him inside, "but maybe we don't shout it from the rooftops."

I stand in the doorway for a moment, biting my lip in contemplation as to what to do in the situation I now find myself in. "Are you waiting for an invitation to come in," Rafe yells back to me. "Get your cute ass in here, Laurie."

I snicker, shaking my head as I give in, closing the door behind me. When I look back, I see Rafe's voice has caused some commotion in the Cameron household. "Rafe! What are you yelling..." Wards eyes widen when he sees me, my hand still on the door handle as if I could still change my mind and make a run for it. "About," Ward finishes his sentence. "Laurie... h-how are you doing."

I let go of the handle, giving him a tentative smile. "I'm doing fantastic Mr. Cameron."

He can hear the sarcasm in my voice, "you can call me Ward."

"I know, sir."

"Are you..." Mocking me, I finish in my head. Yes, Ward. I'm mocking the living shit out of you right now. I can't help but grin, watching as he seems to flush slightly and looks down to adjust his sleeves. "Always a funny guy."

"So I've been told," I grin, brushing past him to find my way to the kitchen, though I can hear him tentatively follow.

"Absolutely not," I exclaim when I see Rafe has actually taken Topper up on his request and has a line waiting for him on the kitchen counter.

I break it up with the card he used, asking for the baggy so that I can put it back. "Oh come on, he needs it," Rafe tells me.

"Dude. No," I insist. "One. Your little sister eats on this counter, and two? Toppers going to end up in the hospital if he consumes anything else that isn't water."

"Okay mom," Topper mumbles weakly. "I promise I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour."

Rafe chuckles, "okay, okay well if he isn't going to do it, I might."

"God, can we at least catch up first," I ask him, handing him the card to sweep the white powder back into the bag.

And Rafe actually listens, sorta. "Only for you," Rafe says, and I pretend I don't see Ward watching us from afar. "How have you been, anyways?"

I shrug, frowning a bit as a try to figure out where to start. "It's been, an interesting few weeks to say the least."

"Oh, you have no idea," Rafe tells me. "You should see the shit that's been said about my family."

A moment of silence passes between the three of us, broken by Topper suddenly rushing to the garbage to puke. I curse, but when I turn back to Rafe I'm surprised to see he isn't laughing, but just staring in a sort of spacey way.

Did I believe Lexi about him?

Yea, I realize, yea I did.

He looked... fucking insane, worn in from the inside out. I'm trying to keep a neutral expression, but I can't help but wonder what the fuck I'm doing here. "Hey," Rafe says after a moment, noticing my stare. "How 'bout I'll handle him, alright? We should catch up later. Too much stuff going on right now."

I nod, "yea, just let me know."

I ignore how Rafe takes the coke bag on his way out to get Topper back home, and I realize I'm meant to be leaving as well.

What the fuck just happened? I wasn't even drunk but I couldn't keep track of the 5 different directions I was being pulled in tonight, all happening in such a short time frame. "Shit," I curse under my breath, realizing I had gone into a bit of shock after seeing him and had frozen in place.

Why did it feel like he was running away from me? The part of my brain that seems to notice everything asks me.

"He's not trying to blow you off," a voice tells me, "he just doesn't want you to see him like this."

I feel the familiar exhilaration begin to pump through me, turning to see Ward lingering in the doorway. "He seems a little unstable, Ward."

"He's..."

"He's unstable," I repeat, firmer this time. "He gave me that impression after a minute of conversation."

"Which is why he wants to get better before seeing his friends."

"Get better, from what?"

Ward goes silent, and I watch his Adam's apple bob in his throat. "It's good to see you Laurie, I mean that. But, it was safer for you to stay away."

"Safer? I don't see how I could be in any danger—"

"—You should've waited till this blows over, your sister... your sister could've avoiding this whole investigation," he tells me.

"Yes well, she didn't want to do that." Why was I still here, I silently ask myself. Ward didn't look like he was in much better shape than his son, his restless features show clear signs of sleepless weeks, new lines creasing his forehead that weren't there before.

"Well, she is going to get pulled into..." Ward doesn't finish his sentence, closing his eyes as he rewords his next few thoughts. "I guess there's nothing you could've done."

"I'm just going to ask this once, Ward," I say after a second. "Do you know something about what Lexi got herself into? Is there a reason why you think she should've stayed away? She doesn't tell me anything, and you seem to... know something, I don't know."

"John B, that friend she had? Well he believed in what his old man believed in: the Royal Merchant gold," Ward tells me. "Got my daughter wrapped up in the game, there's no doubt in my mind that your sister was in on it as well."

"Gold?"

"It's an urban folk tale, 400 million dollars worth of gold, lost at sea—that boyfriend of her's believed in it too."

"JJ?"

Ward shakes his head, "remember how I said I knew both the good and the bad businesses around here?"

"Nick."

"Funny coincidence, how she keeps getting caught up in it all," Ward says, grabbed a file from a stack of papers and giving it to me. "They found it at big John's during their investigation of his kid. Saw the name and figured you should have it, might show you the loop your sisters seemed to have found herself in. Why I told you before you left to make sure your sister goes with you."

He saw Nicks name and thought I should have it? What was Ward doing on a crime scene? I tentatively take the file, finding a note enclosed inside. "I guess they were using Nick as their way around the law, but quickly realized how unstable he was."

"Scooter Grubbs?" I read, "that's... thats the guy who died after Agatha."

"There is one from Scooter, discussing his concerns about their partnership with Paris, keeps talking about how paranoid he gets when he's high—how it's starting to become a real problem."

I feel sick, turning through the pages to find the ones written by Nick to be practically illegible, the pages full of holes from where he pressed to hard when he was writing, every line so shaky to the point where there are parts that he gives up and scribbles over the word.

"It doesn't matter now," I whisper. "Nick overdosed or something."

"Did he?"

I turn towards Ward, realizing where he was going with this. He knew that if I asked about Nick, it'd give him an opportunity to express his concerns about her friend group. "You're going to tell me he was killed, right? Rafe told me the same theory after the storm."

"Let's just say Rafe had a friend who knew where Nick was going the day he died. Of course, it's totally possible he decided to go surfing instead."

"Either way," I insist. "Nick is dead."

"And you feel comfortable letting your sister go back to her little friend group on the cut? Back to her boyfriend, who by the way, is best friends with the boy whose the reason for my daughters..."

He can't say the words, and even I can't fathom the truth. How could Sarah be dead? "Ward... the thing with my sister is that if you push, she's going to push back. She's going to do what she wants."

"I know, Laurie. I just... her situation feels personal to me now, and I worry she'll meet..." his voice breaks, his nails dig into the palm of his hand. "I worry she'll meet the same fate, and it'll feel like it could've been prevented."

Don't do it, I tell myself, watching how Ward tries to compose himself, choking on his breath. Ease him. It'd be so easy to do, even though I told myself I wouldn't anymore. I had been with Camille in LA, I could go back and get with her again if I really felt a need to.

Just give in.

He asks me if I want a drink, and I nod absently. He seemed so far away now as he makes it, as I observe him from the kitchen counter, as I realize my vision is all distorted as my thoughts have travelled elsewhere; to how he would bite his hand whenever he knew the others were still home, his teeth sometimes even drawing blood when he'd...

I take the drink he gives me.

"I'm taking Rafe with me to the Bahamas tomorrow," he tells me. "Business trip."

"And you think that's a good idea?"

"It'll be good for him."

His jaw makes a noise every time he opens it to take a sip, as if it were used to being clamped shut at this point. It makes me study him, though I've done it plenty of times already. I study the lines of his collared shirt, the ring he nervously twirls with his thumb. I watch how he swallows his drink, which he has clearly made to strong as he winces every once in a while, but tries so hard to cover it up.

Lexi once asked me if I had found him attractive, and I guess I do. I liked the lines that extends from his eyes, it reminded me who I was fucking, every single crease in his skin another year he's tried to hide, all of it melting away because of me, every effort he makes to appear powerful gone. I guess that means I make him younger, and maybe it makes me feel older as well—able to handle everything in my life a bit better.

"Where's Rose?" I ask, keeping my gaze on him.

"Asleep. She took a couple sedatives, been real stressed recently." He looks over at me, "why?"

"Just wondering. Is that what you're going to do? Take a couple sedatives, get a good night sleep... is that how you've been dealing with the stress?"

Ward's gaze softens, "you know how I deal with stress."

I laugh lightly, downing the rest of my drink in one gulp. "I guess I do."

I should leave, because I think I did believe Lexi when she told me what really happened on the tarmac that day, and I have enough crazy people in my life already. "I should, probably get out of here before Rafe comes back... but you two have fun in Nassau, and erm... I hope Rafe gets the help he needs."

"He doesn't..." Ward goes silent after starting his sentence to quickly, readjusting his posture before speaking again. "People send their kids away for the smallest things, these days. Part of life is just learning how to cope with things on your own—that's all that's going on right now."

I laugh humourless; "tell that to my mother, Ward." Or my dad—who is the definition of not being able to 'cope with things on your own.' Now that I think about it, no one in my family can handle life, as we've all been too busying fucking each other's up. I let out a sigh, unable to stop a single thought on my head from repeating itself over and over again, to the point where it just feels like ten different people are trying to talk to me at the same time. "How's that headache?"

"My head... my headache," Ward repeats, his eyes wide as he tries to pick my words apart in his mind.

"Yea," I say, suddenly moving towards him as I can no longer find enough of a reason not to. "Your. Headache."

"Oh. I... Laurie... you..."

I nod as he stumbles over his words, "c'mon, I'll fuck you right there on the couch."

He makes a noise that sounds like he's just been strangled, muttering something about how someone could see despite the blinds being closed. "What, are you talking about, your family? C'mon, Rafe's probably going to crash with the crackheads tonight anyways," I tell him. "Plus. You look like you need it."

"Y-you'd help me?"

I respond by tilting his head up to meet my lips, testing to make sure he doesn't pull away before leading him to the couch. It was like watching every wall in his head crumble, his expression going slack as I press myself against him, guiding his hips to mirror my movements.

"That's it," I breathe, adrenaline beginning to take over as I push him onto the couch. I wanted him desperate, I wanted there to be nothing left of the dignity he tries so hard to flaunt in the public eye. I kneel, letting him pull my shirt off as I free his cock, already leaking with precum as the smallest touch sends a shock through his body.

I suck him off, listening at his feeble attempts to stifle his voice as he lets out short gasps of air with every breath he takes. He makes it so easy to tell when he's close, and I take him right to the edge before pulling up and getting him out of the rest of his clothes. I push him so he's right up against the backrest, marvelling at how shamelessly he begs for me to keep going.

I had him, every part of him from his body to his secret he'd spent way too long suppressing. Because now he really can't control himself, and all while his life demands him to be in such control; now more than ever.

His mouth hangs open as I fuck him, and he can't control the moans he lets out and allows for them to fill the house—or at least until I stifle his voice with my hand. Another thing he needs me for, his eyes rolling back as his hand flail to find something to hold onto.

I'm not giving into anything, I tell myself, I'm relieving him—I'm relieving him and nothing else. It helps with the stress, with that constant worry I never seem to get away from. Most people like the power trip they get out of this, but I liked the devotion that came with it, that look he'd give me that's begging me to help him. I just need to be useful, I just love watching how he twists beneath me as he tries to relieve the tension, how he cums untouched when I move to block air from getting into his nose as well.

That let's me finish as well.

"Hey," is the first thing he says after a pull my shirt back over my head. "Thank you."

"Anytime," I say with a crooked smile, watching as he tries to compose himself.

"There's... there's this place that only closes at midnight, erm... serves food," he quickly says, knowing that it wasn't like me to stick around, that this would be the only time he could ask. "Would you... would you let me get you something?"

"Why would you..."

"Cause I'm hungry," Ward tells me bluntly. "And I'm off on a business trip tomorrow and want to keep talking to you."

"Oh. Okay, yea."

This was... new, though I actually liked the place he was suggesting so I agreed to a free meal. If this is what eases his conscious... I guess I'll entertain it.

It isn't a long car ride, and I stay back as Ward goes inside to order, giving me time to think about how I managed to find myself here, again. Maybe the food was his way to pretend he had a handle on himself, on whatever this was—perhaps a piece of his repressed sexuality or something. Or he's starting to realize that he's letting himself slip, and has to make up for it if he wants to maintain everything he has.

Maybe it was how he thought he'd get a handle on me; take back some of the power.

I don't want to dwell on it much after that, though I know my thoughts continue to ignore my will and keep thinking long after I've done my best to tune them out.

He comes back a few minutes later, spending the first few minutes in silence as we both focus on eating. "You know, I used to come here all the time," Ward finally says. "After school, or on a Friday night after stumbling out of someone's house party."

I grin, "is it as good as you remembered it?"

"Makes me feel like a kid again," he laughs, "I'm sure you have things that take you back as well."

I stare off into thought, as I try to figure out if Ward was being serious. Do I remind him that I'm seventeen? I settle on going back to focusing on my meal.

Sometime later Ward speaks up again. "You know, I think Rafe values your opinion, which is why he doesn't want you to see him as he is right now. I think that says a lot about your character."

"How so?"

"Rafe is picky with who he chooses to value," Ward explains. "I think he cares about what you think of him over his other friends."

"He also has a thing for my sister," I remind him.

"I think you're an incredibly moral person, Laurie."

"Really? I'm pretty sure fucking a married man isn't what Jesus had in mind when he said to love thy neighbour as thyself."

"I mean you're kind," Ward re-phrases, grinning at how I'm trying not to laugh at my own joke. "Rafe still needs to learn how to be kind, I think."

I don't tell him that I think it's a little unsettling that at 19 year old is still unaware of simple compassion, "I still think it's cause of my sister."

"You're first instinct always goes to protect her, isn't it?"

"Well, she's my sister; we're family."

"What about your parents?"

This was also new, as I'm pretty sure Mr. and Mrs. Aldridge reminded him that I was his daughters age. "We aren't overly close with them."

"A parent should stick by there kid no matter what," Ward tells me. "Trust me, I'd defend my children till the very end. I'm sure if it came to it, yours would do the same."

"Trust me," I say, letting the words sink in fully as I turn to look at him.

"They wouldn't."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I begin to ramble almost as soon as we get the The Wreck, not bothering to make any sense as I'm too worked up to think before I speak.

"Woah, woah, tell me again. What happened?"

"I-I, JJ, I think Shoupe knows," I stutter out, glancing wildly over to find Pope and Kie outside, Kie stepping into the outdoor shower. "Don't tell them, but I think Shoupe knows."

"Lex, slow down. Knows what? What does he know?"

"You. Nick. What happened that day," I breathe out, my voice shaking a bit as he holds me steady by my arms. "He told me... h-he—"

"—Easy, j-just, take it easy for a second," JJ tells me, leading me to one of the booths to sit in. I'm vaguely aware of Kie's parents watching us as they clean up, but decide they couldn't have gotten much out of anything I've said. "Okay," JJ says, "what do you mean by he knows."

"He told me that there had been some red flags that had come up in Nicks autopsy report. But he let them go 'because of the nature of Nick's job.' But the way he was saying it..."

"He was insinuating that he has reason to believe I did it," JJ finishes for me.

"Or me," I add. "Or any one of our friends. But he knows it wasn't an accident, and I think it was his way of telling us to get off his back about John B."

JJ sighs slowly, "so he's blackmailing us?"

"I-I guess? Or maybe he's telling me that we're safe? I don't know," I exclaim, my voice all high and weird. "It doesn't matter, because I'm not going to let you go to jail."

"Lex... I'm not going to go to jail," JJ tries to assure me. "And even if I do... I don't regret killing him."

The words settle in the space between us so that neither of us speak, serving as a harsh reminder as to what Nick took from us that day. I thought I had lost my innocence the first time I watched my mom try to kill herself, or maybe when I got a boyfriend, or lost my virginity. There was the first time I smoked weed, snorted coke, the first time I ignored the directions on my prescription bottles. The first time I watched my dad hit my brother; the first time he hit me.

All of these things were anything but 'innocent' experiences... but I had been; I stayed innocent until I watched Nick die. Now, we were all guilty, guilty of murder, or assisting in some way. The thought that Nick is the reason why I can no longer say I still have a clean conscious... it hurts almost as much as everything he did to me. Almost.

"Look, in order for Shoupe to pin it on me now, he'd have to open a case? A case he had already closed and deemed an accident."

"If he opens it, we'll know about it, right?"

JJ nods slowly; "and I'd have time to leave."

"We'd," I correct. "We'd have time to leave. I'm not loosing you again."

He gives me a look, and for a second I think he's going to pull the same 'you don't deserve this' bullshit before the guilt in his eyes melts away. "I'm not loosing you either, princess."

I feel his hands in my hair as he tries to comfort me, shifting to get closer. "You know," JJ says after a moment, "Kie's parents have been watching us like a hawk this whole time."

"They're probably just concerned we're going to fuck in this booth."

"Ah, guess I'll have to save that fantasy for another time."

"Seriously," I giggle, "a booth?"

"I don't know, I think the fantasy is more you than anything else."

I grin against him, and he must've felt it as he leans down and kisses my cheek. "Hey, we're going to be okay, alright?" He assumes me again.

"I had a restraining order against him," I say softly, slowly lifting my head up so I can face him. "And he broke into the house, held us at gunpoint... there's no reason why you should have to pay for that."

It was the only option, it doesn't matter if JJ was one of the reasons why he was there because it was bound to happen anyways. Can I say we had done nothing wrong? Maybe I can, however fucked that may be. Maybe that's why it's somehow reassuring to know he doesn't regret his actions.

"Yea well, let's not worry about that now."

"Okay," I whisper, meeting his lips with mine. When I go to pull away I feel his hand come up to my chin, holding my face a few inches from his. Our foreheads touch, but just as he's about to kiss me again a voice startles us.

"Hey, lovebirds."

I jump so that I bang my face into his, letting out a small yelp of surprise before spinning around to face Kie and Pope. "Ouch! You scared me," I exclaim, my hand coming up to press against my nose. "That fucking hurt."

"Yea, Jesus," JJ exclaims from behind me. "Nearly broke my fucking forehead."

"You can't... you know you can't break your forehead, right," Pope asks. "JJ, for my own sanity, please tell me you knew that you couldn't just break your forehead."

"Well, it feels broken," JJ fires back, and I mutter a rushed apology that has him grin. "Don't worry about it," he assures me, "I'll survive."

"Anyways," Pope sighs, "we came to get the leftovers, Kie's parents said it was okay that we eat here."

I grin, "well Kike's, we must be growing on them."

"Ha," Kie scoffs, "we'll see about that. Think you can help me in the kitchen?"

I nod, sliding out of the booth to join her, greeting her parents as we pass them.

"My dad hates the microwave," Kie tells me as she fits as much food as she can into it, "but you have to admit, it's a lifesaver."

"Alright Kiara, I get it. I'm an old cynic."

I turn to see her dad in the doorway, his arms crossed as he leans against the way. "How are you doing Lexi?"

"I'm doing fine," I say, "and yourself?"

Her dad shrugs. "What about your parents, how are they?"

"Erm, they're living their lives," I laugh lightly, turning to see Kie gesture for her dad to cut it out. "It's chill," I tell her when she mutters a silent apology.

"Ah, forgive me for being curious, I was just hoping to settle an ongoing argument I've been having with my daughter and I don't know many parents who'd let their kids hang out this late on a school night. I just wanted to know what they thought of your friends."

"Pope and JJ don't have their parents breathing down their neck," Kie pipes in.

"I was referring to the parents who have the luxury to raise their kids with rules."

"We aren't close," I quickly say before Kie can respond to THAT comment and start a fight. "My parents and I, I mean. So they don't really have an opinion, and the only time they do is when they want a reason to be disappointed with me."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"Dad," Kie cuts in; "her mom literally burned grillmarks into her arm, stop talking about them."

I swallow hard, the awkward moment saved by the sound of the microwave going off, and Kie's dad awkwardly shuffling away. "You have coffee, right?" I ask Kie, finding the pot and pouring myself a cup.

We rejoin the others, and I sip my drink as I watch the others get their plates of food.

JJ turns to look at me, patting the seat beside him to offer me a place to sit. I grin, sliding in next to him as I try to ignore Kie's dad talking to his wife in a low voice. "Do you have a sweater," I ask him.

He shakes his head, "no. Are you cold?"

I nod, not willing to admit that it was because of the burns that have since healed—wrapping around the side of my wrist. Don't think about her, I remind myself, don't think, don't think, don't...

I'm not ready to remember yet.

I feel a buzz at my side, but notice it isn't coming from my pocket. "JJ, why does your phone keep going off," I ask after a solid minute of consistent notifications.

He looks down as if he hadn't even noticed it, barely glancing at his phone before putting it away again. "Group chat."

"You don't silence those?"

I hold my stare for maybe a second too long, as when I look away I can still feel him watching me closely.

It's only when we get home that he says something about it. "I'm in a group project for one of my classes," he explains as we head inside.

"Oh, okay," I say. "I wasn't, like, upset. Just confused."

JJ stays silent about it for a second, waiting till we reach the door before speaking. "Remember Addison?"

I scoff, "hm. Don't think so, who is she again?"

"Funny. Anyways, she's in the group and so I've just been ignoring it. There."

"Oh. That... sucks." I didn't really know how else to put it, especially if he refuses to talk about what happened. He nods his head in agreement, opening the door for me.

I'd like to say we had some deep and heartfelt talk after, signed up for therapy, and watched some sappy movie to end the night.

Instead, I found myself pinned to my shower wall, listening to the water hit the floor as JJ's tugs at a fistful of my hair. My breath echos against the tiles, prompting JJ to coax more noises out of me. "That's my girl," he's whispering in my ear, the strain in his voice making me love it even more, "you're doing so good for me."

After, we finish cleaning ourselves, as the original reason for getting into the shower was to remove any hint of sewage water from out skin.

He comes up behind me as I step out of the shower, holding me by the hips as he finds my eyes through the slightly fogged mirror. Leaning forward, he pretends to thrust into me, grinning when I let out a laugh and pressing his lips to my temple. "We neglect this washroom too often," he tells me in a low voice, "I like fucking you here."

"In front of the mirror?"

"Mhm," he hums, his head dipping down to kiss my neck just to get a rise out of me; pulling back with a delighted expression on his face. "You're so easy."

I roll my eyes, shoving him off of me when he thrusts into me again, and this time it's his turn to laugh. "Yea, whatever," I grumble, changing into the clothes I'm going to sleep in.

"Whatever-all-you-want," JJ teases, poking at the dimples of my smile, "doesn't change the fact that I've got you."

"You've got me, hm?" I'm looking back at him as I open the bathroom door, so I see the concern blossom in his eyes before I'm confronted by my father waiting for me in the living room. "Dad!"

"Lexi."

We seem to just stare at one another for a moment, my cheeks flushing when I realize he was well aware of who I was in the shower with moments ago. "Um, what are you... doing here? How long have you been waiting?"

"I got here a few moments ago," my dad tells me, raising his eyebrows in amusement; "why?"

"Uhh..." I trial off, and he can see I'm biting the corner of my lip because he makes a slightly disgusted noise. "You, uh... you remember JJ?"

He looks past me to the boy standing in the doorway, his jaw clenching slightly as JJ waves a tentative hello. "How are you... Mr. Aldridge."

I can hear the sarcasm in his voice, no matter how much he tries to conceal it. "You know, when I brought him back to your place that night, it was because you told me he has no where to go," my dad says. "Not so he can..."

"He doesn't... really," I tell him. "Have a place to go, I mean."

His eyes stay glued to JJ, "you're lucky I'd rather have you here than in some sketchy part of town, Lex."

"Why are you here, dad," I ask again, this time with a bit more directness in my tone as I watch the glimmer of amusement in his eyes die only seconds after arising. It was a useless attempt to keep looking for some comfort in his face now, knowing all too well moments like that shouldn't mean anything to me, the feeling of him being my dad once again gone as he's replaced by a man with cold eyes and a harsh expression. It always made it hurt more, every flicker of hope so small and fleeting and always so tempting to cling to as I do.

"I'd like you to see your mom."

"Why?"

"Because she's asking for you," he tells me. "And she is your mother."

"You told me I didn't have to see her," I point out weakly.

"Before you are ready," he corrects stiffly.

"It's been like 2 weeks."

"She is your mother," my dad says again. "And it'd help a lot for her recovery if she could talk to you."

What about my recovery? I want to ask. Why do I have to just wipe those images from my head and pretend they don't incite thoughts I'd wish to keep buried. Does he know why I cannot stand to see the scars, or remember the blood that day? I take a shaky breath, "I need more time."

"You're being selfish," he snaps. "She has a shot of getting better and you're just throwing that away because it hurts your feelings? Come on, pull yourself together."

"It's more than that," I try to explain, "I just can't... please..."

"Okay, lets settle down," JJ pipes in as he notices my fathers expression, subconsciously taking a few steps forward.

"I gave you what you wanted," my dad fires back, ignoring JJ's request. "Don't make me threaten to take it away from you! You have your friends now, why aren't you happy?"

"I-I am happy." It's just more complicated than that. It's just that my moments of happiness make the thoughts I get so much more complicated now, and better yet, scarier. The thoughts, how do I even explain, how do you tell someone that certain images get looped into your brain and play back over and over again... tempting you...

I push the images down—not ready to face them yet—and turn towards JJ. "I'm going to go to bed, now," I tell my dad, not looking back to him. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I worry he'll fight me on it, but he only nods and sees his way out. Not that it helps, as it's all hitting me now; and it's not just in my head. The room is spinning, and I'm only faintly aware of JJ asking if I'm okay before I'm stumbling to the couch.

I pass out just before I reach it.

**^**

I was out for maybe a couple of minutes, regaining consciousness to find JJ playing with my hair.

"Oops," I whisper, JJ letting out a shaky laugh and helping me up to a sitting position. "I must be anemic or something."

"Are you okay, though?"

I nod quickly, letting him caress my cheek, kissing the palm of his hand. "Just gotta headache now."

"I made a smoothie."

I furrow my brow to make sure I heard him right, "a smoothie?"

He nods, "you like them, right?"

"I don't know if I can eat right now," I tell him. "I'm kinda nauseous."

"It's not like... eating, though," JJ points out, holding it out for me to take. "Just... try?"

Why? I nearly ask, but know better than to say it out loud.

I like it better when things stay unspoken, and so I take a sip, letting it settle on the back of my tongue for a second before I swallow. "Did... did you talk to Laurie?"

His silence says enough, along with the fact that I had never once put protein powder in mine when I made them in the summer.

"It's good," I say after a second, closing my eyes as I know he's watching me. God, was it really that bad? I didn't think so, I mean, it's not like I ever really felt hungry, and even when I did—the thought of food just made me nauseous.

If I was really hurting myself; I'd feel it right?

I knew better, I've seen that look JJ is giving me now as he tries to understand what's going on in my head, cursing softly before opening his mouth to speak, "you know, I-uh... well, in health class there's this section where we have to learn about healthy eating..."

"Can I stop you right there," I ask, knowing that this is going somewhere in the direction I think it is as JJ tries his best to sound like he understands. "I know what it looks like, I know I don't... look... healthy. But it's just another consequence of living with my mom, okay? My brain sorta starts to panic whenever I take a bite of food now cause I just hear her voice in my head telling me to stop eating, or I feel her fingers down my throat from the times she's... you know, made me throw up..." I trial off, wondering if I'm speaking too much.

JJ sees me cringe, "hey, you can stop now, it's fine."

"I just don't want to overshare."

"You aren't."

I take a breath, "it isn't that I believe her. It's that by restricting myself, I feel as though I've got her under control to... if that makes any sense. She can't hurt me so bad when I can control myself," I explain. "But what's happening now is just the early stages, and hopefully I can get it under control by then."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I still have time to get better before my body really starts to take a toll." I pause for a second, "I'm trying to tell you I'll be okay."

"I know," JJ murmurs, "but you need to start getting better in order for that to happen. Just finish that and we can go to bed, alright?"

I nod, and comply to his request, too tired to think of anything else but sleep as I drift off in his arms.

**^**

The next day JJ borrows Popes truck, as I had promised we could go grocery shopping.

I was fine with it, I really was. But something kept digging into my skin as if to remind me that I was giving my mother ammunition.

I realize it's just my nails.

I glance over to study the boy in the drivers seat, the veins in his hands popping out a bit as he grips the steering wheel. I feel heat rise to my cheeks as I admire them, my thoughts drifting off to something much nicer than what I was thinking about before.

"Can I suck you off?"

JJ spins around to look at me, doing a double take which causes the car to swerve a bit before he turns back to the road; biting down on the inside of his mouth. "I'm driving," JJ states, pointing out the obvious.

I shrug, sifting so that I'm right next to him before leaning into whisper in his ear, "then just keep driving."

"I will," JJ tells me, shifting a bit in his seat as I begin to kiss his jaw, my hand travelling down to play with the waistband of his shorts, glancing up to watch his expression when I hear him suck in his breath. "Don't tease," he utters softly, his eyes flickering between me and the road as if he wasn't quite sure what to focus on. "You don't owe..."

"It isn't about owing anything," I tell him quickly, "I just want you to keep driving." Our eyes lock for just a second before he looks back at the road, the hand he kept on his lap travelling to pull me closer, my lips slowly travelling down his neck as my hand also moved down.

"You always this fucking hard," I ask with a small giggle, surprised by how little time it took for him to get excited.

"We're simple creatures," JJ mutters, his words a little dazed as I begin stroking him off. I take my free hand to properly free his dick so that it's exposed, JJ watching my hand slide up and down his length through his peripheral vision. "Jesus Lex, I—" his words are cut off as I bend over to lightly kiss the tip, my tongue lingering to swirl the end around a few times before I feel his hand hastily pulling my hair out of my face. I grin, stroking him a few more times as I watch him lean back in his seat, his eyes wide as doesn't seem to know what to do. But I still feel him press a little on the back of my head, so he does know one thing.

I comply willingly to his request, sliding him down the back of my throat.

"Ohhhh—fuck," JJ moans, his voice barely audible as if he was worried someone could hear him. But it encourages me to go faster, hollowing my cheeks each time I reach the top and savouring how he guilds my head down again. He glances down at me, the truck swerving a bit as his gaze lingers longer than he had intended it to.

But it only seemed to add more fuel to the fire as adrenaline begins to course through me, a moan escaping my lips while he's cursing at how quickly he has to stop when he sees a red light at the last second. "Fuck Lex, nearly—Jesus—nearly ran a red light, princess—oh my god, please Lex." He starts driving again when he sees that the light had turned green, clearly adrenaline having a similar affect on him as his voice had already begun to climb. "You keep doin that I'm gunna—fuck—I'm going to cum in your fucking mouth," he tells me, the last few words came out like a hiss, a small whimper escaping him as he catches me pausing to grin.

"Good," I whisper, taking my tongue and focusing on the spot just below the tip, only engulfing him again when I feel him begin to pulse against my touch. He came with a shout, pushing my head down and bucking his hips up in a sort of frenzy as he's already trembling beneath me.

"Okay, okay," JJ gasps, "okay, fuck." I sit up straight as JJ pulls me off of him, smiling at how disoriented he had become as he looks wildly around at our moving surroundings. I quickly kiss him on the mouth as I fix his pants, a small noise escaping him from my touch.

"Where are we going," I ask as I see him turn off of the road we were meant to stay on.

"I-I need a second," JJ manages to make out before finding some parking lot to stop the car. He lets out a groan, and I grin in delight as he bends forward to lean against the wheel, breathing as if he had forgotten how to for a second.

"You alright?"

"Fuck yes I'm alright," JJ breathes, looking to me through his arm and shaking his head at my amusement. "You are a fucking handful aren't you."

"I try."

I see him slowly sit up, running his hands through his hair as something seemed to had just occurred to him, his smile falling to reveal a much more serious expression. "I'm not feeding into something, am I?"

I frown, "what do you mean?"

"I-I don't know what to look for," JJ tells me, "and I don't want to like—take advantage—or something."

My breath fails me for a second, as I realize I've never been asked that before; by anyone. "I mean fuck," JJ continues, "it's all really fucking good—like mind-shattering good—but if its messing with you then it's not... good."

"It's not messing with me."

I feel him trying to read my expression, and so I try to keep a blank face. "No, you're upset," JJ sighs, scratching his eyebrow as he shuts off the truck and turns to look at me.

"I'm not upset, you just care," I fire back weakly, smiling a bit in an attempt to assure JJ I'm okay.

"What?"

I pull my knees into my chest as it hits me—the realization that no ones ever really cared. "You... You aren't taking advantage of me, JJ," I tell him, "that's not what's—you aren't upsetting me. You just care and it's an odd feeling to me."

"Of course I care," JJ rushes to pull me into his chest, "I love you."

"You do, don't you," I whisper, still unsure of how I should feel about it; about being loved. "I just never thought it's meant to be a comfort... and now that it is... it just feels weird. I've never felt this way towards someone without having it end in tears. and so every time I feel myself relax, my mind thinks something is wrong and I'm about to get hurt."

"It's okay, hey. I know what you mean. I really do," JJ assures me. "It's not the way it's supposed to be, you know that right? Life isn't supposed to keep kicking when your already down."

"I know," I tell him, "and just so we're clear, you aren't kicking right now."

"Just so we're clear," JJ mirrors; "you aren't kicking me either."

I grin, shifting to find his lips as he kisses me, my hand moving to caress the side of his face when he pulls away. "So..." I trail off slowly, "did the road head break something in you or—"

I break out into laughter as he instantly lets out a groan and playfully swats at my head, pushing me away from him, "I was waiting for that to fucking come up."

"It's okay if you can't handle it."

"Fuck off, I can handle it," JJ protests, "I was just taken a little off guard!"

I grin, "yea, sure."

"You can do it again and I'll prove it to you," JJ continues to insist, "come on princess, let's go for a drive right now."

"I don't want to traumatize you," I tease, grinning as JJ traps me in his arms, wrestling with my strength (or lack-there-of) every time I try to free myself. "JJ," I cry when he tickles my sides, squirming in my seat that was now his lap, "JJ, STOP—Agh!"

"Don't think that just cause you give good head I'm your little bitch," JJ hisses in my ear, making me giggle even harder, "remember whose in control here."

I look up at him as I feel him bind my wrists, "is that what you want? To be in control? Cause I can get more toys," I add with an innocent smile, causing his eyes to widen.

"L-lets just go get food," JJ stammers, shoving me off when I tease him for blushing. "We can talk about tying you up later."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"I still don't know why you wanted to come with me," I grumble to JJ once we get into the grocery store, the cart I was pushing making a god awful clicking noise with every step I took, putting me on edge.

"Because, you won't properly take advantage of the fact that your dad gave you his credit card."

"Well, it feels weird," I admit, "you know, I should just get a job."

JJ makes a noise, and I turn to realize that he had let out a laugh, "oh come on," he quickly says, raising his hands in defence; "you really don't need one."

"Yea, haha laugh away, I just don't like my dad having stuff to lure over my head with."

JJ moves to enclose his hands over mine as they push the car down an isle, wrapping his body around mine in the process. "Yea but if I have a job and you have a job then we don't get to... you know... see each other as often."

I roll my eyes, "then you don't get a job."

I regret the words after they come out of my mouth, feeling JJ flinch slightly at the statement. "That would be the dream," I hear him say, hints of sarcasm in his tone.

"I-I know... I know it's not the same," I quickly add, glancing back as I feel him kiss the top of my head, "I'm not..."

"Yea, I know sweetheart," he tells me, brushing off my stuttered apology, "just wish it were the case, that's all."

I stop walking and turn to face him, "just pickup whatever you want," I tell him, "I got my own list." I watch as his excitement flashes across his face, forgetting for a second to act cool about an unlimited budget. But he doesn't correct himself when he sees that it makes me smile as well, the moments where he is able to re-live what he missed as a kid making him seem a little more boyish; less guarded.

"Well I'll just walk around with you," he tells me, leaning down to give me a quick kiss that still lingers a few seconds longer than what one might consider respectable. But it doesn't bother me, as grocery shopping is still more mundane than anything I could have thought to be possible with him, the side eye we get from the very obvious soccer mom only proving how they somehow expect better of a couple in a grocery store.

So I turn back around and slowly start checking off the list I had created, watching as JJ slowly becomes more and more comfortable adding to the collection. "I never thought I'd be here," JJ admits after convincing me that I needed to stock up on chicken nuggets.

"A grocery store?"

"Nah like one of these fancy ones," JJ chuckles glancing around at our surroundings as someone's nanny runs after a kid that had just bolted past us, "or with a girl, for that matter."

I laugh, wondering if we'd look like a normal couple to someone who might see us passing by, "do you think it suits us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Grocery shopping, mundane household tasks," I grin, "cause it suits you."

Though I don't look back, I can hear him chuckle from behind me, muttering I don't quite catch before planting a kiss on my cheek. "Lucky charms," I ask when I see his eyes diverting to the cereal.

He smiles a little sheepishly, "I always wanted those damn things growing up, but cereal is kinda hard to steal; too bulky without a bag or something."

"Well, I always wanted them too," I tell him, "too much sugar," I add when I see his confusion. "My mom never let us."

He reaches over and picks out a box, "I say we should get this then," he decides, adding a bit of spin on the box as he tosses it into the cart.

It was the most fun I've ever had in a grocery store, I'm gunna be honest, and the only time I've ever left the place with a smile on my face, with a boy making light jokes by my side.

"So," he says, once we're cashed out and heading back to the car, "we've already missed two classes, why don't we just go back to your place and skip the rest of the day?"

I pause, considering how I should probably make an attempt to be the voice of reason here, but I give in, have no energy left to argue against what I want to do myself. "Yea, there's no point in it now anyways."

He grins, and helps me get the groceries into the truck.

"Oh my god, I love this song," I sigh, turning the sound up once JJ starts driving.

"Well I would hope so, you're on aux."

I keep listening with a smile, letting the words roll of my tongue to JJ's great enjoyment as part of my 'singing' consisted of me just shouting the words.

"Do you know all the words?" He asks me, slightly impressed by the fact that I get every beat (and pause) right without taking a breath.

"Oh yea, but I can do that with a lot of songs," I tell him once the song has ended. "Lyrics just stick easily for me, you play any Arctic Monkey's song and I'd probably be able to sing the whole thing—even if the last time I had listened to it was like eighth grade or something."

"And stuff like this?"

I nod, "I used to have to go on these long runs at my old school, and I'd just memorize album after album while I ran. Plus, rap songs are more fun to sing cause you can kinda just yell the words and it's just as satisfying."

"Huh," JJ states, "cool."

But when I look over at him I see he's been grinning at me this whole time.

**^**

After, we find our way to my bedroom, and though we both told ourselves that we're going to go back to bed, that wasn't what happened.

"Wait, wait—fuck stop!" My last words came out more like a screech, JJ hesitating before turning the vibrator off with a huff.

"You have more than that in you."

If I wasn't literally gasping for air, I probably would have laughed. It had barely been 10 minutes and he had watched me finish 4 times already; the 4th time being a few seconds ago.

I let out a breath, staring at the fan as it turns above me, "it's instinct," I explain. "If you give me a second—"

"—Well it's not as fun if I give you a second," JJ points out, shifting his weight to spread my legs open a little wider. "Defeats the whole purpose of having a vibrator."

I grin, snapping my head to the side so that I can see him, "and what is that purpose, exactly?"

"Y'know," he hums, biting down on the sides of his tongue as he presses it to the inside of his cheek. "It's just... I like watching you—like this. You just get this fucking look in your eyes and..."

"You're right," I cut in, snapping him out of his own imagination as he cocks his head in a questioning manner. "I can. I can take more."

His smile widens as I feel his hand slowly make it's way up my thigh, "well, now we have to start again." His eyes harden as they meet mine, my brain turning to jelly as he runs his thumb along my lip, "are you going to take it this time?"

I nod slowly, my eyes widening as he slips his finger into my mouth and I taste myself on his skin. He pulls back, "you like watching me struggle," I ask softly, trying to understand the appeal as I too try to understand why I like it as well. I mean, it was almost painful to be brought over the edge over and over again, that feeling that has your brain telling you to stop, that it's too much to take, could bring anyone to their knees and leave them crying. "Does it make you feel good or something?"

I catch his expression change, looking up at me with a sheepish look on his face. "It's good," I quickly add, "I like it too." And I did. I liked the way he'd hold me, and I realize that feeling—that feeling that has every nerve being set on fire, only adds to the release of pleasure you get. "Don't stop this time," I say as his fingers test the sensitivity of my clit, my words coming out a little squeaky. Because I liked the look of satisfaction in his eyes when he watched me. "Don't stop till you want to stop, ignore me."

"Well I can't do that," he tuts softly, looking up at me as I start to protest.

"I trust you," I try to assure him, "please, I trust you—I can do whatever you want."

He leans forward to get closer to my face, "and I'll be holding you to that promise, but I can't ignore you."

"What if stop didn't mean stop."

"And I'm sure there's a lacrosse team somewhere that thinks that way—"

"—No, like... we could have a different word that means stop."

"Like a safe word." I can see him pause to think for a second, "would you use it?" I nod, but he only continues to press on, "I'm serious Lex, I'd need you to tell me if...y'know."

"I will," I assure him, "what about the word peace or something, our way of waving the white flag you know. I could even sign it with my fingers if I had to."

For a second I think he's going to shut the proposal down, but as our eyes lock I see the growing excitement in his eyes and I let my smile grow. "Okay, peace it is then," he finally tells me. "And you really like this type of stuff? Like... not being in control of what happens."

"Yea... as long as you're okay with calling the shots." Now he's smiling too; I can tell in the way he softly presses his lips to mine, pulling away to quickly nod his head. "Good."

"Good," he repeats, watching me closely as he tests my sensitivity again. He chuckles as I flinch slightly, "I'm just getting started with you, princess, are you going to behave?"

I nod, a small whine escaping me as I feel him turn the vibrator on again. I watch as he pushes it into me, a low moan on my lips as the other arm reaches my clit. "Oh—that's good," he moans with me, holding my hips down as they jerk forward, "that's it, princess."

He was no longer smiling—his eyes blown out in lust as he watches me, playing with the jewelry that decorated my tits before finding my neck. My eyes roll, my thoughts leaving without a trace as I listen to his voice. "No, you can take it," he tells me as I let out a whimper, "just trust me; trust me sweetheart."

My free hand grabs his wrist as his grip around my neck tightens, and my climax hits me before I can even register that I was close, my body going rigid as my voice dies in my throat. He leans forward as I begin to shutter against his hold, "that's a good girl."

I think I called his name, but I couldn't hear anything other than the blood pounding in my ears, I couldn't even process how fast I had come. But he doesn't let me recover, not that I had expected him to; not that I wanted him to either. Instead, he repeats the process again... and again with the same satisfaction behind his eyes; urging me to keep taking it whenever I began to tell him it was too much, the harsh slap of his palm across my backside jolting me out of my own head every so often as he'd occasionally turn me onto my side. Whenever it got to the point where I truly thought I was going to have to tap out, he'd seem to sense the change in my tone and pull back ever so slightly, getting me off with his tongue instead.

Or at least I think that's what happened, my vision was too blurry for me to know for sure.

My body tries harder to fight my release each time, his voice harder and more demanding as it gets to the point where I'm writhing against him. There are tears in my eyes as they're glued to him, "fuck, JJ," I sob, "fuckfuckfuckfuck..." and then it only hurts, a sharp pain shocking my body when I finish as panic begins to take over, my heart rate picking up as something feels like it's starting to snap inside of me.

I listen for the distinct buzz of the toy, hoping to God he'd play nice and turn the vibrator off again as I felt like I had been electrocuted, and had really reached my limit.

I glance wildly at JJ, reaching out to grab him before it hits me; the pain fading into the back of my head with my other thoughts. I let out a moan, the feeling in my core beginning to spread—my whole body melting into his touch as he leans over me. I watch him as my body warms to his touch, like I was being wrapped in a blanket. I couldn't even tell if I was still riding out my high, something dragging every sensation out till it reaches the tips of my fingers, deepening every movement as something much stronger seems to take hold and he is all I need.

"Please, daddy," I gasp, looking over as he discards the toy, wondering how it still feels like he’s still using it. He was fucking me; the realization hitting me slowly as I feel him tilt my chin towards him, sliding two fingers down the back of throat as he rocks into me. He was fucking me and my eyes roll back a bit with every stroke, each one feeling like the first. I hum softly, feeling him watch me with his mouth slightly agape. 

God, he really is beautiful.

Was I smiling? Was this what heroin feels like? My vision distorts and I'm now looking at the wall, pain stinging my cheek as JJ slaps me. But it was tingly, and warm, and not at all what pain feels like.

And I was definitely smiling.

I gasp as his dick begins to brush up against my g-spot, so overstimulated at this point that I didn't even think I had any feeling left in my body to get off on. My mouth falls open, and he doesn't even have to help me with his fingers as I finish again, tasting salt on my tongue as tears run down my face when I do. I watch as his jaw begins to go slack as well, the last thing I see before my sight blurs are his eyes: wide as he cums in me.

I blink a few times, JJ coming back into my view as he wraps his arms around me, his eyes staring intensely into mine. Lexi. He's repeating my name, and I realize how long it's been since I've spoken.

"JJ." My voice sounds off, a little more eccentric; passive.

"Hey, there you are," he whispers softly, leaning over to press a kiss to my forehead.

I feel myself smiling again, blinking slowly as he moves to caress my cheek with his thumb. "Do you always fuck like that?" It takes him a second to remember, his brows knit in confusion before letting out a short laugh.

"I was about to ask you the same thing, princess." It felt like ages ago—the first time we had hooked up; so much had changed now.

"I... um," JJ pauses to think for a second, taking the time to turn me onto his chest, "I'm surprised you didn't want to tap out."

I sigh slowly, the feeling of... devotion towards him lingering on the tips of my fingers as I pull myself closer. "Why would I tap out, that was fun," I assure him softly. "I..." I let out a small giggle, "I had fun."

"Yea?" I don't have the energy to look up and catch the look on his face, but I still feel him squeeze me closer to him. "You got a little quiet there for a bit," he adds, and I pick up a hint of concern in his tone. "That wasn't too much was it?"

I shake my head, "I liked it." I glance up at him through the hoods of my eyes, relief softening his expressions to see my look of contentment. I pull myself up closer to his face this time, my head finding a place to rest in the crook of his neck—placing a few kisses along his jaw as he begins to run his hands through my hair.

I was still shaking, like, practically convulsing against him even though it's been a good couple of minutes since we've finished. But his embrace helps relax my muscles a bit, telling them there's no reason to be so tense.

It felt as though no amount of time will ever satisfy how I wanted to stay like this; wrapped in the safety of his arms. "I love you." I watch his jaw move as he speaks, as he repeats the phrase a few times under his breath. "You mean so much to me after so little time, I—I've never felt anything close to this feeling before."

"Me neither," I say, neither of us daring to really raise our voice in fear we might hear our own words and find too much optimism in them. It was the release that made us talk, I realize. As it was often only after we'd fuck or nearly die that we'd try to explain our feelings to the other, this criteria just so happening to be satisfied quite often lately.

I wonder if he feels the same.

The afternoon light shining into the house doesn't bother me so much, and before I realize whats happening exhaustion is hitting me like a wave and I'm closing my eyes, drifting off to sleep.

I wake up sometime later, half expecting JJ to still be asleep only to find him on his phone.

"Hey," I murmur sleepily, "did you not sleep?"

"I did for a bit," JJ assures me.

"Whatcha lookin at?"

He doesn't say anything for a second, his cheeks flushing slightly as he shrugs me off before giving in hastily; "I was just making sure that it was... well if it was normal to..." He lets out a huff of frustration when he can't find the right words. "I don't want to hurt you," he finally decides on. "And I know some of this stuff can be harmful if it's not done right."

"Yea, but you didn't... I'm good."

"Yea but for next time." His head snaps up when he realizes what he's inferring. "I mean, i-if you want to at some point—"

"—Yea. I would."

"Then... I have to know what the limits are," he explains, his eyes shifting across the bright screen to continue reading. "Plus, some of this stuff is kinda cool."

"I know."

"You know?"

"I mean... did your friends never make you take the BDSM test?"

As soon as it left my mouth I'm laughing, JJ not far behind me. "Um, no. John B never came up to me and said 'hey JJ. I have a really fun idea,'" JJ snickers.

"Fair fair. My friends back home were also a bit different than the friends I have here." Curiosity takes hold of me, "so. What were some of the stuff you found cool?" I ask.

"Wouldn't you like to know," JJ fires back, moving the phone over his head so that I can't see.

I'm just about to get it when Popes voice interrupts me, "found them!" He calls downstairs, to who I presume to be Kie.

"Oh, Francis! Is school out already?" I ask, my cheeks a little flushed as I untangle myself from JJ.

"You would know if you had come," Pope fires back, clearly annoyed to find us cuddling while they were forced to endure the classroom.

"We had to get groceries," I explain, glancing past him to see Kie climbing upstairs.

"And then what? Just thought you'd take a nap?" She asks, and I could tell she was aggravated in how her voice gets high and a little whiny. "We're in this together, remember."

I resist the urge to sing high school musical and nod solemnly. "Of course, Kikes."

"Just... tell us next time," she tells us, "I mean fuck, it was almost easier when..."

She catches herself, something that hasn't been happening with Kie very often and so I press as to what she's on about. "When, what?"

"When you guys weren't together," Kie finishes. "It was less awkward when you both hated each others guts." She storms off, Pope just as surprised by her outburst as us.

"Okay, I just want to clarify that I'm not THAT mad about it," Pope says. "And frankly, I think whatever you two do when you ditch should have nothing to do with me."

"There's those smarts you're famous for," JJ sighs, jumping slightly as the front door slams downstairs. "Jesus! Maybe she does need you Pope, get her to relax a bit."

"How would I do that?"

He gets it as soon as the words leave his mouth, and he forms his mouth into a fine line. "Right. Okay, thanks for the advice JJ."

"Anytime!"

Pope glances back downstairs, "I'm honestly just jealous," he admits. "She probably is too."

"Jealous?"

"You guys have each other, and when you're together you kinda just forget about the rest of the world. I wish I could do that," Pope explains, and I wonder if he had hoped Kie might be able to be that person for him.

"I-I'm sorry," I tell him, more sincerely when it isn't Kie yelling at us as I feel guilt this time.

"Yea man," JJ adds, "it isn't our intention to shove it in your faces all the time, even when we do."

"It's not your fault you can make one another happy."

No one speaks for a second, and maybe we're still a little surprised to see him as I can't think of what to say, Pope awkwardly shifting his weight at the top of the stairs. Was it obvious that we had sex earlier? I glance around the room, my eyes landing on something blue and phallic lying in the middle of my bed. I turn back to Pope, watching as the horror in his eyes make them go wide. "Well on that note, I'm going to go," Pope squeaks out. "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

I go to protest, but he's already running down the steps. "What's he on," JJ mumbles, reaching over to grab the vape from my nightstand.

I don't have to say anything, as he gets the idea when I grab the vibrator. "We've traumatized him," I groan.

"Hey," JJ laughs, putting it away for me, "at least it's clean."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

Something stirs me in my sleep, a warmth spreading from my core, making me want to feed into whatever this feeling was that wavered my unconsciousness. Pleasure laps through my body, drawing me into reality, drawing me to... oh fuck.

I let out a strangled gasp, my body wishing to be immersed by whatever's consuming me—and my hips are rolling into the pleasure, my eyes fluttering open to be greeted with the morning sun and JJ's tongue. "F-fuck," I moan, frantically trying to make sense of my surroundings as I come to my senses. Sleep still inhibits a great deal of my ration thought, and so for a few seconds I'm just watching him eat me out in shock. And then it hits me, how close I was.

He hums, looking up at me through the hoods of his eyes. "Good morning," he purrs against me.

I don't respond with words, letting out a desperate gasp as his two fingers slip inside of me. His mouth goes back to work, and I can only urge my hips forward a few times before I'm crying out and tumbling over the edge; his free arm coming up to press down on my stomach and hold me steady.

The first thing I say when I catch my breath is a shaky good morning, letting him plant a kiss on my mouth before lying down next to me. "You're... you're right," I murmur. "It is a nice way to wake up."

"Told ya," he chuckles, tucking my hair that had fallen in my face. "Can I say something corny?" He asks as he watches me turn to my side.

I sigh sleepily, letting my eyes rest on him endearingly for a second. "No," I say as happily as I can muster.

"You looked so peaceful when you sleep, I almost felt bad for disrupting it," he admits. 

I scrunch my nose up in distaste, "okay, Edward Cullen."

"I really need to watch these movies," JJ chuckles, "you're very fond of that reference."

"You should. We can get high one night and burn through all of them."

"Sounds like a plan."

He sighs, pulling himself upright and I watch as he leans forward, his hair falling into his eyes. He brushes it back, slowly dragging his fingers through it until he pauses at the top of his head. "Alright, I'm up."

"We still have time to sleep," I point out, lazily pulling at his arm so he might lie down again.

"I'm going to make breakfast."

"Why," I groan, pulling at him with a bit more force. "Stay with me."

"don't worry you'll like it, just let me be a good boyfriend and make you breakfast."

I let him go; begrudgingly. Part of me hopes that the temptation to join me in the shower might be stronger than whatever domestic ass bullshit this is. I lazily make my way to the kitchen, already ready for school a good 30 minutes before I have to be.

"French toast," I realize, the smell of vanilla and cinnamon filling the room, my stomach growling in response.

"Your favourite."

I grin, despite my mothers voice already getting louder in my head.

"Yum."

It wasn't that I wanted to starve myself, I remind myself, it is a much more complex form of control than that. I can get over the body dysmorphia I get from eating, I did fine over the summer. My mom isn't here now, and it's not even that I value her opinion. I let JJ pass a few pieces over, and focus instead on savouring the taste, ignoring the nausea that washes over me after the first few bites. "You never told me what your favourite food is," I point out.

"You."

I choke on my food, listening to him laugh at me as I regain my composure. "Seriously, J."

"I'm being serious, you taste really good. But if we're disqualifying that then..." he thinks for a second, "steak."

"Respectable choice," I say, and then we both go back to our food.

I'm just about to tell him that I can tell he's staring when his phone goes off, the distinct noise of Snapchats notifications filling the awkward silence—making me laugh.

"I don't think I've ever heard that before," JJ chuckle, jumping a bit at the noise. "I must have turned my ringer on by mistake."

"Must have," I sigh. "Who is it?"

JJ shrugs it off, which of course makes me take a look at who it was. "Addison?"

He catches me reading the name, not that I was making any attempt to hide it. "It's fine, Lexi."

"Don't you want to see what she wants?"

"I... I know what she wants," JJ assures me, annoyance flickering in his expression. "Here look," JJ opens his phone, "see for yourself."

I don't have to open the snaps to know what it is, especially given that it had unopened messages dating back a couple of weeks. "Have you..."

"Yes, I've opened them before. But I don't want to spoil my appetite this morning." He stares at me for a second, "I didn't ask for them—"

"—I know," I tell him.

"Okay, well, can you say something so that I know you aren't... mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you."

"Real convincing," JJ responds dryly, running his hands through his hair. I get up out of my seat, moving so that I could kiss his temple and repeat myself, with more sincerity this time. He responds by pressing his lips to mine.

"You're allowed to be pissed," he whispers against me.

"Why? Cause some chick keeps sending you photos of her tits? I believe you when you say you didn't ask for them."

"I know but... it's wrong. I shouldn't have other girls—"

I cut him off by kissing him again, assuring him that it was okay.

"I'm blocking her after this stupid project," he tells me, thinking out loud. "And then, you'll never hear about her again."

"Okay," I say slowly, "but I'll listen if you ever want to talk."

He doesn't respond, but nods once before going back to his breakfast and leaving me to open the long string of messages. I swallow hard as my eyes adjust to the first photo, and I know I had told myself I'd leave my LA habits behind me, but I decide then that the only way to beat this girl was to get messy. So, I take my phone out and get the whole thing on camera—as well as my response telling her to fuck off.

In which she responded almost instantly with a photo of herself.

It was too easy, and I look up to see JJ give me a questioning look as I pass his phone back. I brush him off, going back to my food and taking my first few sips of the coffee that I had made. It makes me feel human again, having a regular breakfast before going to a regular school. And I know nothing about my life right now is normal, but maybe all I needed was to feel like it was.

The day passes quickly, and before I know it I'm at my locker, listening to Kie talk about The Wailers. I usually would be much more keen to talk about music, as even though I had no real ability when it came to composing it, unlike Kie who sometimes shows us her work, I wasn't lying when I told JJ that I could pretty much tell you the words to any song I've listened to—my head good with song lyrics and pitch. It was a fun party trick, I will admit, though Kie's taste in music was always much more particular than mine as I'd pretty much listen to anything I thought was good.

"I just wish all music was like that—the type that makes you feel like you're lounging on the beach, beer in hand..."

"That is a wonderful image," I laugh lightly, "though not everyone wants to picture themselves on a beach with a drink in hand."

"Well those people need to re-evaluate their life choices," Kie fires back, grinning as I shut my locker door.

Things have felt... weird between me and Kie since I've been back, and the stuff JJ's told me certainly doesn't help. She was completely fine with me when we were alone, but the second JJ was there I've felt like she's just been out to get me. I've tried, trust me I've tried to get over the feelings which arise whenever I look at her now, but something tells me I'll need time to get over it. I just need to prove to myself that she isn't, like, in love with him, and it really was just a moment of weakness.

One that had my entire relationship with him taken out of the equation.

I swallow hard, biting the corner of my cheek as I hear her ask me something I don't quite catch—too lost in my thoughts to pay attention to my surroundings.

"Sorry?"

"I think we need a night out," she tells me, "you know, to relax a bit; everything's been so tense. I just feel like the four of us haven't had time to hang out without the stress of John B and that whole mess making its way into our conversation."

The four of us, I repeat in my head, she feels like we haven't been as close.

"Well, storming out last night certainly didn't help."

"I just... I do want to apologize for how I acted earlier," she says. "But I just feel like we aren't your guy's friends anymore! And... friends come first, alright? That's what being a pogue means."

"So... you aren't sorry," I conclude.

"I am! Fuck. I am sorry—for everything. I don't handle change very well, and well, I'm just trying to hold onto what I have because I don't want things to be different. I want to see you and JJ without worrying you'll ditch to make out in your room or some shit."

I sigh slowly, knowing that at least here she had some grounds to base her argument on. "Ok well, I am sorry for how JJ and I behave sometimes, and if it's any consolation I'm trying to get better with my promiscuous ways of coping. But... I'm not throwing a fit every time you handle a situation poorly. You think I didn't want to tell you off for giving our location to a fucker murderer? For blaming everyone but yourself?"

She mutters something about how she isn't 'throwing a fit' EVERY TIME, but doesn't voice it to me. "Okay, so I'll work on it too."

I turn to look at her as we step outside, her eyebrows furrowed as she's clearly upset by what we are talking about. "I asked you once, if you were okay with JJ and I. We're you lying when you said you were?"

She frowns, "of course I'm okay with it, it's the other stuff..."

"That stuff makes a relationship what it is, Kie. We aren't friends, we don't see each other in that way and it would feel wrong to pretend otherwise. I'm sorry but we aren't just going to act the same way you and I act when we are together," I pause for a second, giving her a crooked grin. "Unless you wanted to, of course."

She laughs, batting her eyelashes at me. "The boys could never know."

I let us take a few steps in comfortable silence before speaking up again; "I think a night out would be nice, and you're right. All of our conversations between the four of us have been really tense and draining. Maybe that's why it feels easier when it's just JJ and I."

"I miss you," she tells me. "And I miss JJ—I sometimes feel like he's my best friend; I need his humour to cope with all of this."

I smile uneasily, "I miss you too," I say with the hopes that maybe she doesn't see my skin get so pale.

**^**

The boys agreed to Kie's plan without any complaints, the fact that Pope felt a need to relax a bit proving just how tense it's been between the four of us.

So, that's how we ended up at the boneyard, surrounded mostly by kids from the cut, but the odd kook who just happens to go to our school would pass by every so often.

"Come here, Francis," I sing as I try to get him to open his mouth and drink what was left in my cup, "you wouldn't be such a judge Judy if you had a few yourself."

He chokes on his laughter, snorting at how I dance to the music. "C'mon, dance with me," I tell him.

"I don't like this song," he tells me.

I listen to it for a second, "oh come on! Don't do 21 Savage and J.Cole like that!"

"You like this song?" He asks as he stands, begrudgingly taking my hands so that I can move them up and down.

"Yea! Of course, it's a beautiful piece of art!" I have to yell a bit over the noise of the party, and instead laugh at Popes attempt at dancing on his own. "Oh my God! You're amazing!"

"I know right," Pope says, laughing with me now as I sing/scream the words (hey, knowing the words doesn't mean you necessarily know how to sing them). "How are you saying all of that?"

"I have a wonderful memory when it decides to work," I tell him, twirling him around as I do so. I do a scan of our surroundings, finding JJ after a moment as he watches the two of us with a grin, just as amused with Popes dancing as I was. I see Kie sitting next to him then, and I don't let my smile drop as she's turned towards him instead of Pope and I, clearly engaged in a much more serious conversation that involved her talking mostly to herself as JJ doesn't appear to be paying much attention.

"C'mon," I tell Pope, "Kie clearly needs to loosen up, herself."

He follows me up to them. "I mean, I barely see you now, JJ," I hear Kie tell him as she hadn't noticed us coming to meet her, "and I really need you..." she trails off as she sees us.

"Looks like you need a real partner to dance with," JJ comments, forgetting to respond to whatever Kie had been telling him.

"Looks like you two need more alcohol," I tell them.

"Popes not drinking," Kie points out. "And by relaxing I just meant hanging out with all four of us together. I just want to talk to you guys."

"We've done enough talking," Pope decides, and takes my drink and finishes it, "it only leads to one thing, and tonight? We're going to give ourselves tonight. Lexi's right, you gotta stay true to your word, Kie. This isn't the time for serious conversations."

"Now we're talking," JJ chuckles, pulling out a bottle of spiced rum from his bag.

"Ou, fancy!"

"Only top quality for the princess," JJ teases, taking my glass and pouring some of the Captain Morgan into it and mixing it with some canned pop. "Now, may I have this dance?"

He extends his hand, and I take it and help him onto his feet, letting him pull me into his chest as he does so. He puts one hand on my waist, the other holding my hand, and dances like it's 1852. "Are we... doing the waltz to Migos?"

"Do you have a problem with it," he fires back, grinning as he's made me laugh.

"Spin her," Pope yells from the side, and I'm being flung into his arms before I can blink. "Wow! 10 out of 10."

This goes on for another minute or so before he gives in and kisses me; careful in restraining his tongue. "Hey! I brought shots," Kie tells us, re-emerging with tequila and lime. "And Pope, if you're really planning on relaxing tonight, you aren't backing out of this one."

"Never said I was," Pope grins, passing one to JJ and one to me. "To the pogues... and to the people I like to call my family."

The shot doesn't even burn, as I'm met with an idea of family that I never thought I'd get to have. I grin, pulling him into a hug, which of course prompts the other into doing the same—JJ accidentally knocking us all to the ground. "I love you guys," Kie says as she rolls off of us and onto her back. "I'm so scared everyone's going to leave."

"Where the fuck would we go?" JJ asks.

The three of us look at each other, without missing a beat replying, "Yucatan."

JJ laughs, "I'd be so down."

"Oh we know," Pope tells him, "you've kept us informed."

"C'mon Kie, you're the only one I haven't danced with," I tell her, "and the night is young."

"The night is young," Kie repeats, flashing a smile.

As she takes my hand, I'm reminded of the fact that no one gets along well with their family all the time, but love them regardless in the end.

The night continues on, and at a certain point we run into that weird guy: Ben Denver. I let him talk, and pretend I don't have to keep stepping back every time he reaches out and brushes against my arm. "Oh come on Ben," a voice calls out from behind me, "she has a boyfriend."

It shocks me to see Simon, his eye red from a popped blood vessel, the skin around it black and blue. "Can you guess who did this to me?"

I shrug, not willing to admit to anything. "You must have pissed whoever it was off pretty bad."

Simon clicks his tongue, "I probably shouldn't talk to you, but I wanted you to see what your fucking psychopath of a boyfriend did to me."

I wasn't quite sure what he was expecting, but my blank expression seemed to piss him off enough from him to stalk away. I turn to see JJ watching me, and I raise my eyebrows as he approaches.

"I did tell you that I handled it," I say.

"It was the only way I was going to let it go," he tells me, "I'm sorry if I upset you."

"I told you not to."

"I know."

"I'd like you to take what I want into consideration," I press on.

"I did. But I also needed to wipe that stupid smirk off of his face."

I lick my bottom lip, looking down at my shoes rather than his face. "I'm not upset," I tell him. "I kinda expected this stuff came with dating you."

JJ grins when my expression gives it away, "uh oh... daddy issues strike again." I shove him, causing him to laugh at the blush that had crept up to my face. "Deep down, you like it when I'm protective of you, don't you princess."

"I don't!"

"Youuu dooo," JJ sings, slurring a bit from the alcohol in my system.

"I don't!" I exclaim to hide the fact that I was upset with how happy I was. "And don't 'princess' me, I..." I trial off as I see his eyes divert to something past me, his face dropping in distress. "What's wrong, J."

I feel him quickly brush me off, as he senses my worry; but I saw it, that flash of panic in his eyes. "I'm just um..." he trails off slowly before letting out a short laugh, like he couldn't quite believe himself. "I'm just drunk I think."

We sit down and I giggle, watching as he sways slightly on the tree branch he's sitting on. "I think you're right."

"Too drunk." He spoke quietly, like I wasn't meant to hear him mumbling to himself. But my smile dropped regardless of who the words were intended for.

"Are you going to puke?" He quickly shakes his head, and again when I ask if he might pass out. But his eyes stay locked on me, his hand tightening in mine as he tries to calm his staggered breath. "Wanna go home?"

"I'm not that drunk," he quickly tells me, trying to laugh my question off despite something not quite being right. "I just... haven't been drunk and in public for a while."

The mood changes so fast it sobers me up. "Oh." I watch him glance around, and suddenly it all makes sense to me. Retreating to the back of the boneyard after the we had taken those shots, asking to go home and smoke after running into some of his friends from school, staying out of the crowds for most of the night. "Come on then, let's get Pope."

"Lex, come on it's stupid." His grip tightens again, and I follow his gaze towards the group of kids from the cut. She had to be amongst them, and his eyes stayed fixed to them like he was waiting for some animal to strike him. "I'm just being paranoid."

"About what?"

He swallows hard, "it's stupid." I slowly move so that I'm sitting between his legs, his chest relaxing ever so slightly against me and I feel him wrap his arms around me. "It's stupid cause you're right here," he adds softly, dropping his head to kiss my cheek as he pulls me even closer to him. "Are you drunk?"

"No I'm fine."

"Shit, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." I turn my head a bit to kiss his cheek when I realize where his eyes have fallen once again. "It's okay," I tell him as my lips press into his skin again. "You're okay."

He mutters how stupid this is again, and part of me just wants to come out and tell him why he's suddenly so uncomfortable. But instead, I just tell him he's okay. "It's not like I can't handle myself when I'm drunk or anything... I just..." He tears his eyes away to look at me, shaking his head slowly as he continues to think about his next words. "I'm not really sure why... but I just feel like I wouldn't be able to."

"I'm here," I remind him, "right? You're okay."

"I know I'm okay. That's the fucking stupid part about it." He's quiet for a second, and I feel his head drop to rest on my shoulder, muttering something I didn't quite catch before letting out a sigh. "Wanna go home?"

I just nod, and let him lead me to our ride back to my place.

Chapter Text

**JJ**

Neither of us say anything about last night, and go about our usual morning routine, this time a little less tired as Saturday has allowed for us to sleep in.

The weekends were a godsend, as we'd wake up just enough to fuck—our arms wrapped around the other, not bothering to go hard or get in a better position.

After all, we had all day to do that.

It was a sort of messy intimacy; getting each other off with gracelessness while neither was fully awake. Sometimes we'd finish, sometimes we'd drift off to sleep for a few more minutes with my cock still inside of her; putting the finale off as we knew we'd get to it eventually.

And when we would finish, we'd murmur our good mornings with a few slow kisses before closing our eyes and getting a bit more sleep.

I find my way down stairs eventually, jumping back when I see the front door swing open.

"Hey... JJ," Laurie says as he steps inside, awkwardly shifting his stance as he takes in his surroundings.

Now, there were two things that made this awkward. One, I was in my underwear. Two, I had a towel in my hands, which I was very clearly about to throw into the laundry. I shift to find a pair of pants, pulling them up as Laurie makes himself comfortable. "So, what brings you here?"

"I...um, I need you, actually," he tells me.

"Well, I'm flattered but I don't swing that way."

Laurie rolls his eyes, his chest rising as he stifles a laugh. "I mean that I need you to get Lexi to see her mom."

"She—"

"—I know she isn't ready," Laurie cuts me off, "I need you to try and do it anyways."

"Why?"

"Because she needs to wave a white flag before people start to get hurt."

I swallow hard, my jaw clicking as it sets in place, "you know, you said that last time and now she's all messed in the head."

"She would have been messed in the head either way, JJ. She's going to struggle with this for the rest of her life," Laurie says, his voice low and hushed as he glances nervously upstairs. "I'm just trying to keep the peace."

"Then why don't you take her," I fire back. "I don't want to hurt her again."

"Again?"

"Like... well you know what happened over the summer," I stutter slightly.

"The thing where you got chlamydia or the thing where you killed Nick Paris?"

"I—"

A look of satisfaction forms on his face, "gotcha," he says before I can finish my sentence, realizing he had noticed the flash of panic before I could compose myself. "What? I grew up constantly having to check and see if my sister was lying, I'm quite good at it now."

It had only been a half a second, but I can't think of a good response.

I give him a tight smile, and try not to think of how badly this could go if he ended up hating my guts, which of course reminds me that he isn't exactly my biggest fan. "I have a rocky relationship when it comes to handling my mom and my sister, and I've reacted poorly to some of the stuff Lexi has gone through, so I think it's better if you go. Unless, of course, you'd rather stick around and chat about what happened that summer?"

I could have definitely come up with a better response, but I was still groggy from sleep and fucking my girlfriend who happens to be his sister. Thankfully, Lexi is there to save the day as she appears on the stairs. "Laurie?" She rubs her eye, clearly still tired as she holds the railing for support as she walks down.

"Just checking up, how's school been?"

"A'ight," she sighs, "hows school been for you?"

"Fine. Just fine," Laurie assures her, but it's only when he turns to look at her that I notice how bruised the side of his face was. I feel my jaw lock as I grind my teeth together, catching Lexi's eye when she notices it too.

"Laur..."

"It's good," he assures her.

"Why don't you stay here," she suggests, "if he's really bad right now. He didn't seem too awful when I talked to him."

"Nah, it's okay. Plus I don't really feel like listening to whatever goes on in your room."

"Fair point," she quickly says, heat rising to her cheeks. "Have you seen mom?"

He nods, "I go twice a week. Dad's gone three times I think."

She thinks for a second, "have you seen Ward?"

He gives her a look. Even though she's smiling—and I'll admit it's funny too—it's a little less funny after witnessing that night with Gavin. Perhaps it was her way of knowing how much danger her brother could be in. "No, I haven't seen Ward."

She studies him for a second, before declaring "liar."

"Once," Laurie corrects, "maybe twice."

"Okay, you are officially not allowed to make any judgements on the people I've been with," she exclaims. "What the fuck, Laurie. He's taking advantage of you!"

"He's not taking advantage of me," Laurie laughs; "he's fucking powerless."

"So it never like... switches?"

Laurie cringes, and now I'm laughing because I have the humour of a 12 year old boy. "Lex. I don't ask about the logistics of your sex life—"

"—I was not asking about the logistics of your sex life," Lexi quickly exclaims, "I just want to know how you don't think he's taking advantage of you!"

"Because he has about 40 years of suppressed desires that make him bend to my will the second he lets himself slip," Laurie assures her, "but just so we're clear: I don't get it in the ass."

"Okay," Lexi says in a very high voice. "Thanks for... letting us know."

"Oh, I didn't want to know," I say, "you do you, am I right?"

"Well, this has been a fun chat, no? I'll see you around, Lex," Laurie says as he's already moving to the door.

She doesn't argue, though I'm sure she wanted to keep trying with him. "Alright, bye bye Laurie."

Laurie grins, letting himself out as Lexi pretends to gag. "I really don't know what he sees in him," Lexi sighs after he leaves, "and I feel like I should tell him what I saw."

"Lets get evidence on it before," I suggest, "that way, he knows you're telling the truth."

"I still think he's getting taken advantage of," she adds. "Something doesn't seem right."

"Ward's a shady dude, who knows what goes on in his head," I say, "I don't think I want to know."

"My brother has always been there to protect me, and now that it's him I don't know what to do."

"I don't think he'll listen to you," I admit, "so I'm not sure if there is much to be done."

She groans, turning into my chest so that I can wrap my arms around her. I think back to what he had said earlier, and the bruise on the side of his face. I never believed in waving the white flag, but I don't know how much more of anything Lexi could take right now.

Perhaps seeing her mom wouldn't be worse than what might happen to her if she doesn't.

**^**

I told her I had to submit some results I had gotten a while ago, basically making some bullshit up about how the hospital needs to see that I no longer had an STD.

She seemed happy, singing along to the music she had on her Vespa as I watched her lips move from the side mirror. It made me want to turn around, tell her everything is going to be okay, and lock ourselves in her house—go back to the morning and stay like that forever.

Did Laurie really know what was best for her, or just what might not draw as much attention to the family. That thought scared me as well, as despite everything, it still felt as though he seemed to care more about his parents and their approval than she did. There was a chance he wasn't only thinking about her.

Was I doing the right thing by bringing her hear? Was I betraying her?

She follows me inside after we park, her one arm linked around my bicep as she glances around, "sorry, I really don't like hospitals."

"It's okay," I tell her, letting her cling to my side.

You're going to be okay.

"JJ," she says after a moment, glancing at the signs we pass, "JJ, I think you're going the wrong way."

I swallow slowly, now right outside the doors to the adult inpatient ward for mental health. "I told them we were coming," I tell her in a low voice, watching the panic bloom in her eyes. "Hey, hey sweetheart it's okay, you just have to trust me. You just need that head nurse to vouch for you the next time your dad comes in. That's all you need and then we can go."

"JJ, w-why are you doing this," she whispers in panic, trying to wiggle free of the grip I had on her hand. "Please, please don't do this. Did Laurie put you up to this?"

"H-he wants what's best for you," I try, hoping that by saying it out loud I can assure myself I'm making the right decision.

"He doesn't know what's best for me in this case," she assures me, "please. Can we just go home? I can handle whatever my dad throws at me, trust me, I'd take a thousand hits before I'd go see my mom right now."

"Why."

My question startles her, and she stares at me wide eyed as she still tries to wiggle free. I pull her into my chest so that I know I'm not hurting her hand, "if you tell me why then we can go home right now, but I can't just let you take a thousand hits if I don't know why."

She doesn't speak, and lets me lightly run my hands through her hair as I try to calm her down. "I don't want to hurt you, so just tell me why and we will turn around."

I pull away, watching as she opens her mouth as she tries to find the words, looking helplessly at me and the entrance to the ward. "I can't see her," is all she tells me, the door conveniently swinging open to reveal the head nurse I had spoken to on the phone.

"JJ Maybank?"

I nod, ignoring Lexi as she continues to protest in a low voice. "Yes, sorry. That's me."

"JJ, trust me..." she goes to say, her voice dying in her throat as she looks past me, going still in shock. I turn back towards the entrance, instantly recognizing her mom watching us—a little dazed.

"If you could follow me," the nurse tells us, "we can get everyone settled."

I don't know what compelled her to let me pull her, but she was suddenly walking by my side; wiping the tears which had fallen down her face away. I can't help but glance around at the room we're in, most of the people there sharing the same off-putting expression, the same look behind their eyes that made it unsettling to watch them for long periods of time. But I don't see why Lexi was so upset until her mom turns to look at us—and I see the scar on her neck.

It knocks the wind out of me, and I turn to see Lexi just staring at her with this blank look on her face and... and I question my choice to bring her here. "Lexi," her mom starts, "it's good to see you."

"You too," Lexi whispers. I watch how the scar changes shape as her mom talks, jutting out against the artery that runs down the side of her neck.

"And JJ, you set this up, I presume?"

"He thought it'd be good," Lexi answers for me, tucking her arms into her lap, though showing no sign of resentment towards me in her voice. It almost made it worse.

"I've reached this step in my recovery," her mom starts, "where I'm meant to right my wrongs. And so I need you here to do that."

"I figured," Lexi tells her, "I know all the steps already."

"Alexandra, I'm trying to apologize."

"It's fine mom," Lexi quickly tells her, "I forgive you."

"You don't mean that. You don't even know what..."

"I do," Lexi replies weakly.

"Then I want to thank you for saving my life."

Her statement seems to catch both of our breaths, and Lexi finally reaches out and takes my hand from under the table. "What you did... I mean, I know I gave you shit for it at first. But I must commend you for doing that, not many people can stomach that much blood."

"Mrs. Aldridge, I... I think she gets the idea," I cut in weakly.

"You know I didn't mean it when I said I wish you had let me die."

"I-I know," Lexi responds like she's taking a breath.

"Please, you have to believe me," her mom tries, reaching out to grab her hand that was resting on the table. "It was just a moment of weakness."

"I do believe you."

Her mom studies her, slowly letting go and leaning back in her seat. "You do?" she asks, Lexi quickly nodding her head.

"Of course, mom."

I glance over at the nurse who nods her head as well, telling us we're good to go; that she can go.

"C'mon," I tell her in a low voice.

"They've got to go now," the nurse tells her, and her mom nods absently, watching as we stand. "But I think we can work with that, can't we?"

He mom agrees silently studying her and I as we stand. "You've been watching your weight?" Her mother asks as she goes to leave. Lexi's eyes lock with mine before she turns to her mom, giving her a weak nod before turning to let me lead her back outside.

She doesn't say anything once we leave, but when we get outside she puts on the breaks. I take a few steps before I feel her hand slip away, turning to find her staring past me, tears streaming down her face with a black expression on her face; frozen in place. "Lex. Lexi," I whisper, "hey, you're okay. You did it." I try to pull her a bit, but she starts to shake her head.

"JJ, please," she gasps. "Just give me a second."

"What is it," I ask, half aware of the fact that it had started to rain.

"D-don't worry about it," she tells me, but her chest was starting to expand and deflate rapidly—her hands coming up to run themselves through her hair. "I-it's just if I move, if I move than I wont be able to stop myself," she cries, "just give me a second, because if I move right now than I'm going to..."

"Your going to what?"

"Die." Her whole body is shaking when I embrace her, trying to understand whats happening.

"Can you sit," is all I ask. Can you sit without... dying. What did she mean by that?

She lets her body slump to the floor, and I have to carry her a bit as I worry she'll hurt herself if I don't. But she doesn't seem to notice, and instead continues to try and control her breathing as she sits on the curb. "Lexi... you're scaring me a bit."

She bursts out into humourless laughter, turning a bit more pale as I really don't think she's getting enough oxygen to her body. "I'm scaring me too," she responds bitterly, gasping between every word. I watch as people walk by us, giving us the side eye as if they weren't leaving a fucking hospital. I mean, what did they expect?

"I'm sorry," I tell her, "I shouldn't have... I'm so sorry," I repeat, over and over again.

"Stop it," Lexi tells me in a low voice. "Can you stop it!" She then exclaim, "please, stop fucking apologizing! Jesus Christ."

But then I don't know what to do, so I just kinda stare at her as she continues to cry. "You're okay," I try, reaching out to caress the side of her face. She leans into my hand, but looks at me like I'm the dumbest person in the world—and wants it to stay that way.

"I'm not," she tells me. "I'm not okay. And don't even think of fucking apologizing because it isn't your fault." I close my mouth as I had, in fact, gone to apologize again.

"I mean, it's a little your fault," she adds after a moment. "But that doesn't matter; doesn't matter right now because there are bigger problems."

"Lexi?"

"Can I tell you something," she whispers, the tears already starting to fall at a faster rate again. "Can I tell you something really dark? And can you promise you'll still look at me the same way?"

"Yea, of course."

"And, I can't have you use it against me—not after what you did last time."

"I wouldn't—"

"—But you did," Lexi cuts in, "and I need to hear you say you won't do that again."

"I won't do it again," I say after a moment, not able to look her in the eye.

She inhales, glancing around at the people who continue to watch us as they pass us by. "I've only ever taken molly once," she begins shakily, unable to look me in the eye for some reason. "But it had been after my dad broke my jaw... and someone told me it would make me feel better because I felt like the world was caving in around me."

I furrow my brow in confusion, trying to figure out if this connects to her mom, but too preoccupied on trying to calm her down to ask. "I—oh Jesus," she sobs. "I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can explain it."

"Easy," I murmur, trying to flash her a reassuring smile, "just take your time."

The mist of rain that only moistened the air around us had started to ramp up, her hair start to stick to the sides of her face. "I never got over the come down," she whispers, just over the rain, "I guess you aren't supposed to do molly if your clinically depressed because a month later I was still unable to get out of bed."

She takes another moment, and my heart is starting to sink as I'm realizing where this is going. "Please don't hate me," she begs faintly, another sob escaping her as I take her hand. "Please don't hate me, I-I can't have you hate me too."

"I could never," I assure her, and I think she realizes I know what she's trying to say as her expression falls and she's already apologizing. "Nonono," I murmur, "d-don't apologize."

"I can't look at her," Lexi cries, "I can't see her like that, I don't understand h-how she can't see how fucked up it is to have your daughter holding your God damn jugular—" her voice cuts off with a gasp. "Because those thoughts... they're ALWAYS there, and I don't understand how she can just... it hurts how fucking jealous I get because she can just go through with it. I don't, I don't..." She sobs silently, unable to use her voice for a good minute or so, her forehead pressed to my shoulder as I wrap my arms around her.

"I did it once. I took a shit ton of pills."

Something about hearing it come from her mouth, makes it feel like I've been kicked in the head, and my ears are ringing as I try to pull her closer from the awkward angle I'm on.

I feel like an idiot, telling her that she's going to be okay. But I do it anyways because I need to tell myself the same.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs once she finds her voice, "I know what sort of pressure I've just added to your life, and I wish I could just forget about it, and not have to tell you," she rambles on, "and trust me, I hate myself for it, I hate that you have to... worry..."

"I-I don't hate you," I assure her, careful to try and keep a level tone.

"It makes me wanna die," she whispers, "seeing my mom like that. It makes me okay with dying."

"Then it's good you told me."

Oh God. I'm trying my best not to panic, I really am. But my hands are shaking as I hold her up, shifting her so that she can lie down on my lap, and the rain has cleared out our audience as people are no longer willing to take a moment to observe us. "You're going to be okay," I tell her softly. "Even if you aren't right now, okay? I'm not going to let anything bad happen."

"It wouldn't be your fault if something did."

"N-no," I whimper, happy for the rain as I finally let a tear run down my face, happy she didn't hear what I had said as I know I'd still blame myself if I couldn't save her. "It isn't yours either," I finally tell her. "It wasn't your fault."

"Laurie didn't speak to me for a month," Lexi tells me, her mouth moving against my leg. "And when he did, he yelled. I had never seen him yell before, not like this anyways. He was nicest person I knew, and he told me he'd never forgive me."

"It wasn't your fault," I repeat.

"He apologized later," she goes on. "And he said that he forgives me, but... I don't know if he has."

I had texted Laurie amidst this all to pick her up, as I didn't trust her to hang onto the Vespa, but only now that we're talking about him I remember and realize he was probably close. "Have I gone too far?"

"Oh God no," I tell her, "I mean, it's not like you sleep with socks on like some lunatic."

Lexi laughs through her tears, her body shaking against mine. "I'd rather know than keep unintentionally fucking up," I add.

"Are you sure it's okay?"

I know she can't see me nod, but I do anyways. "It's okay," I tell her. "I'm okay with it."

I see Laurie pull up next to us, the scooter in the back of the truck. He gets out of the car, "can you still not walk," I ask her.

No. She doesn't say it, but I can see her eyes begin to water again and so I simply pick her up and secure her into the back seat of the car, and I don't have to explain it to Laurie as he helps me. He doesn't say anything about it and mutters something to Lexi before kissing her forehead, moving to get back into the drivers seat of the car.

He keeps looking back at us as he drives, guilt betraying his expression as he tries to pretend like nothing was wrong.

But when we get to her place, Lexi walks on her own. "Hey," Laurie says to me before I can follow after her, his expression saying enough for him to continue on.

"You should have listened," I tell him. "I didn't know she was... I thought she just didn't want to get yelled at by her mom. Which, I get, but if I had known—"

"—you should be with her," he tells me, just over the sound of the rain. "I-I didn't think it'd be worse than the other option."

I leave without saying another word, meeting her before she gets to the door and leading her inside. "Are you cold?"

She nods, and so I lead her to the bathroom and run the bath. "This will help," I assure her, "lets get you out of these wet clothes."

She complies, leaving the only noise in the room to be the sound of her removing the wet fabric and slipping into the bath. "Good?"

"Yea."

I pause, glancing around the room when a full minute passes without either of us saying a word. "Did you know that the Vikings used to bury the dead of the high class using ships?"

She stares at me for a second, "I didn't know that."

"And some sailboats can go faster than the speed of wind."

I think I was definitely in some form of shock, unable to stand the silence.

"How do you know that?"

"Erm... one of the jobs my dad had him working at this marina a lot, and I'd go to visit and they'd have a bunch of facts about boats and cars in these magazines... sorry, you probably don't want me yapping in your ear."

"No," she says, "keep talking. It's nice."

And then she smiles at me, and I let out shaky laugh because she was smiling.

"You know that Grady White we found?"

She nods, and I let myself ramble on and on until she was ready to go to bed.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I don't know why I'm waking up in a panic, but I'm mid-scream when I do.

JJ's still half asleep, blindly finding my arm as he sits up with me. "Hey, you're good baby," he murmurs, planting a kiss on my shoulder as his hand moves to half-consciously rub my back.

It's ridiculous that I'm still crying, I mean, I don't even remember what scared me so bad. But tears continue to run down my face as JJ tries to soothe me. I eventually turn into his chest, "I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Hey, you're good," he tells me, "I was already awake."

He definitely wasn't, as one of his eyes was still shut and his hair was sticking up at ever angle. I smooth it down with my hand, stopping at the base of his scull when he leans forward to rest his forehead on mine. "Here, I'll play with your hair," he tells me, "let's just lie down."

I agree sleepily, resting myself on top of him after drying my face. "I love you," I whisper against him, part of me still terrified by the words, terrified his answer will somehow change in moments like this.

But he just continues to work his fingers through my hair, telling me "I love you too."

I drift off to sleep before he does, but when I wake up I see that JJ had already gotten up.

Neither of us leave the house on Sunday, I'm not even sure if I leave my bed. He lets me sleep during the day, and I wake up at some point to see he's watching something with headphones on.

"This movie is ridiculous," he tells me when he sees I'm awake.

I smile when I see that it's twilight.

When Monday rolls around, I'm not doing much better, but I'm good enough to at least put clothes on for school. I see JJ slip into the bathroom as I wash my face, not bothering with makeup today. He traps my arms when he hugs me, kissing my cheek as he watches me through the mirror. "Do I look sad?" I ask him as I tuck my hair under the fabric of my hoodie.

"You look beautiful," he tells me, grinning even before I shove him away as he's already accepted his fate. "Seriously, I can't stop staring at you," JJ continues on with a playful tone, holding me against him despite my attempts at twisting out of his grasp. "You're wonderful."

"You're awful," I fire back weakly, but still let him repeatedly kiss my cheek.

At school, everything feels like a blur. "Are you sure you're okay," Kie asks me on our way to class. "You look very... Jennifers body, before she feeds on the boys."

That makes me laugh a bit, "I'm fine, Kie."

She walks beside me in silence. "Did you and JJ break up," she asks after a moment.

"No, we're fine," I assure her.

We're fine, we're just... how do I even explain what JJ and I are now?

"It's just family stuff," I explain when I see she's still looking my way, sitting down next to her in my usual spot.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"That's why I have you guys, right?"

She gives me a reassuring smile, taking my hand and squeezing it before turning to the teacher as they start their lesson. And then the day blurs again, bringing me to lunch.

"You have that presentation today, right JJ?" Kie asks.

"Yup." JJ doesn't say anything else about it, and turns to offer more of his peanut butter sandwich to me.

"I don't feel well," is all I tell him. He doesn't say anything when I light a cigarette instead.

"You know those things kill," Pope tells me as I leave to smoke it.

I give him a crooked shrug, resisting the urge to say 'let it' by looking at JJ instead, his weary look a reminder as to how everything comes across now.

When we reach the end of lunch everyone begins to pack up to head to class. Well, everyone except for me because I'm technically on my spare now. "You know I can ditch, right," JJ tells me. 

"You should get that presentation out of the way," is all I say, trying my best to give him a smile.

I know I shouldn't pry, but after I'm left alone I find myself wandering to his classroom window, and just so happen to find a bench nearby to do some 'work' at. My own actions make me laugh, because even though I'd never admit it, this whole thing with Addison weirdly fascinating to me. She had to have something wrong upstairs, something that makes her truly delusional to think she hasn't done anything wrong, to think she has a chance with him.

I know JJ doesn't notice me when I spot him, begrudgingly going up to the front of the class, Addison walking behind him.

My breath hitches as I watch her hand come up, briefly resting on his shoulder as she passes him. He makes some comment, loud enough for the class to laugh and for the teacher to spend a minute or so scolding JJ for. I see him apologize to Addison, per the teachers request as she watches him closely and he does his best at sounding sincere. I scoff, going back to my computer as I try to focus on something else again.

These are his problems, I remind myself, you have enough going on.

But I can't focus, and eventually my eyes turn back to observe the scene inside. I can relax a bit when I see JJ talking, the whole class holding back their laughter as I know that whatever he's saying, he's doing so in a sarcastic manner. I can tell just in the way he smirks, in the way his eyes dance from person to person as their amusement satisfies him. I grin to myself, still met with the familiar feeling of pride when I see the effect he has on others, even after everything that's happened.

My expression only drops when I see his hands, fidgeting with something as they shift in his lap. Was he anxious? I cock my head to one side to try and see why his hands would jerk to one side every once in a while, as he wasn't one to get nervous about talking in front of a group of people. But then I see why, as Addison sits in the seat beside him, her arm reaching out and then retreating when JJ pushes her away.

I sit up straight, turning back to my computer for a second as I feel like I've walked in on something intimate. But it was JJ, it was my fucking boyfriend and I know where he stands with Addison. I feel sick, like, I worry for a moment that I'm actually going to pass out from the nausea that washes over me.

I kill the rest of my spare preparing for what is to come.

**^**

I spot JJ stepping into the hallway after class, keeping my distance as I see him turn to Addison as soon as he has the chance to. "What the fuck is the matter with you," JJ seethes, the others laughing at how pissed he was.

"What? Don't want to reck things with your little kook girlfriend?"

"That. Along with the fact that I want absolutely nothing to do with you," JJ exclaims. "I mean, come on! Are you trying to make me hate you more than I already do?"

Addison sees me then, as she's glancing around at how the others are laughing at her. I know she sees me because she fucking smirks before turning to JJ, who had been talking to some other guy in hopes of changing the conversation. I go still out of pure reflex, watching as she grabs at his shirt and spins him around, leaning in and kisses him... briefly. He staggers back pretty quick, "what the FUCK!" He exclaims, "what is your problem?"

"Maybe I want to reck things with your little kook girlfriend," she whispers, but I'm close enough now that I still hear her.

"Good luck with that," I say, tired of playing this game, just wanting for this all to be over. I watch as everyone turns to look at me, including JJ.

"Lexi, I—" He stops short when I gesture for him to stop talking.

"I'm a little confused, Addison, I'm not going to lie... is the thought of some guy rejecting you that hard to take?" I take a few steps so that I'm closer to her now, not breaking my gaze despite the side conversations that had developed around us. "Or is this personal?" I add, raising my eyebrows when she stays silent for a second too long.

"You don't know anything," she snaps. "You're just insecure cause of that scar that's got your face all fucking deformed."

I smile without any sincerity, "insulting my appearance isn't going to get you very far, hun," I tell her frankly, looking her up and down. "I'm just going to ask you once to cut the bullshit. You can stop all this now."

"You really think I'm so insignificant that you can just tell me to stop?"

"Yes, I do."

She tries to mimic my smile, though her attempt at looking smug almost makes me want to laugh. "Well," she says, "I'm pretty sure someone insignificant wouldn't have her hand on your boyfriends crotch all class now would she?" She lets out a huff when I don't respond and simply shrug her off with a frown. "You really don't care?"

"Oh, I would care. I just know better than to believe you," I explain, glancing over to JJ as he gives a helpless gesture, not quite sure how to handle this all as the hallways are suddenly a little more crowded with onlookers. Hey, this isn't exactly the position I wanted to be in given my mental state, but there was no way I was backing down now.

Especially not after Addison responds. "Yea, well, I bet you he gets off on the photos I send him."

I can't help but scoff in partial-shock, everyone else visibly cringing at her attempt at a comeback that only has her damaging her image further. Who would just admit that? I'm actually a little surprised by how easy this is.

"I'm glad you mentioned that," I say, "your parents names are Mike and Tory, no? I found their facebook, but got a little confused when I saw how much volunteer work their daughter does. I had no idea that you were so invested in non-profit."

"What are you on about?"

"And your school email, you really should change the password from the default one they give you—it's way too easy to get into."

"I can tell you, whatever you've done, you're going to regret," Addison insists, fear flashing in her eyes.

"And did you know, that you could get in quite a bit of trouble for distributing underaged pornography? Never mind to someone who explicitly says to stop doing so." I pause, pulling up one of the pictures I had kept, "this you?" I get close enough so that she can see it, her face dropping when she realizes what I had on my phone.

The PA sounds, calling Addison down to the office. "You should probably go see what that's about," I tell her.

"What have you done?"

I shrug, "why don't you go find out. And maybe stick to volunteering at the food bank instead of involving yourself in other peoples lives, it's bad karma."

"What have you done?" She repeats, her voice higher than the last time, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"I'm showing you what you get for not taking no for an answer, Addison." The PA calls her down to the office again, a little more urgently this time. She turns to look at me again, "what?" I ask. "You really thought I'd be some innocent bitch living off of daddy's money?"

"I'll get you for this," she hisses. "I'll... I'll..."

"I don't think you will, because charges can always be pressed. Yea, that's right," I sneer, watching as she recoils again. "You're in over your head."

Everyone knows nudes were the best blackmail there was. It was messy, and probably some screwed up form of internalized misogamy... but in this case? Oh, it was just perfect.

"What?" I laugh when she continues to stand there, "I came from a private, all girls school. You think I don't know how to fight dirty?" I scoff at the look she gives me, everyone else just there like they're watching a movie, their hand over their mouth and their eyes wide with shock as if they'd just gotten to the plot twist. Some of them laugh, too stunned to do anything else. Some of them look a little terrified themselves.

"Here's an idea," I call out to her as she begins to walk away, already beginning to feel tired again when I know I've won. "Don't fuck with me."

For the first time since I've met the bitch, she doesn't have anything to say, and walks away to accept her fate.

There's a moment of silence after she leaves, no one knowing how to go about their day without hiding the reason why they've stuck around. Finally, I hear JJ speak up. "Alright. The parties over guys."

It's enough to clear everyone out, a few looking over their shoulder to watch JJ come up to me. "I wasn't expecting her to kiss me, I'm sorry," he begins with when we're one of the only few people left in the hallway.

I'm prepared to give another long speech about how he doesn't need to apologize, but when our eyes lock we both, for whatever reason, begin to snicker. "Yea no shit," I laugh, JJ snorting at my comment, "at least you didn't slap her like I did with Simon."

"You're right, it is a very instinctive reaction to have," JJ chuckles, slinging his arm around my shoulders. "How did you see what happened during the presentation?"

"I was doing work outside," I tell him, "saw it through the window."

"Aw, I have a stalker. Does this make you Edward Cullen now?"

"Oh fuck off, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I explain.

"That's my job," JJ insists, "you don't have to worry about me, I had it under control."

"She wasn't listening to you, J. She wasn't going to give up, and I'm pretty sure she was delusional enough to think I was stealing you from her." He follows me to my locker, and even though we're both supposed to be in class it goes without saying that we're ditching the last period. "Are you mad at me?"

"I could've handled it myself," he reiterates, "I'm not helpless."

"I wasn't helpless against Simon."

"That's different."

"Is it?" I ask, "because Addison seemed to think I didn't matter because I was a kook; that I wasn't meant to be with you because of which side of the bridge I come from. Sound familiar?"

He thinks about it. "So, call it even then?"

He extends his hand and we shake on it, pulling me into him using his grasp so that I'm close enough from him to kiss me. I grin, grabbing the last of my stuff before texting Pope and Kie.

    >Felt like shit, ditched last. Don't worry about driving us home.

"Cause they got mad last time," I explain to JJ when he asks me what I'm doing.

He nods as he opens the door for me, the wind from the outdoors whipping at my face as I step outside. As the last of the adrenaline dies in me, I'm met with the familiar weight of my body, leaning on him a little bit as we walk to the bus stop.

"Why are you grinning?" I ask him when I catch a glimpse of his expression.

"Oh, it's nothing," he tells me, quickly stealing a look from the corner of his eye. "It was kinda cute, when you got all protective," he admits sheepishly. "You were all 'don't fuck with me,' and shit."

"Oh my God, stop it," I exclaim, "I was fucking pissed, don't tell me I looked cute."

"Yea, well it's cute when it isn't directed at me. I was all like 'that's my girl' in my head," JJ giggles, pulling me in closer to kiss my forehead. "You're fucking scary when you want to be," he adds, but with this smile that made it seem like scary was the most adorable trait to have.

"Yea, well keep that in mind the next time it's directed at you," I fire back.

"Oh, when it's directed at me it's just hot," JJ tells me, boxing me into the glass of the bus stop as I go to lean against it, his arm resting next to my head.

"Seriously?"

"Oh yea, it's my fatal flaw. Kinda hard to argue with you when I've got a hard on."

I shake my head, laughing at the image which comes to mind as I'm sure that's how JJ wanted me to respond. Still, I can't help but wonder how much truth there is to it. "What makes it so hot?" I ask.

"I don't know, you're expression? Or maybe it's just all the energy in the room... and how it can be put to better use."

"So then, why don't you?"

"Why don't I make a move when you're angry? Hmmm, maybe because I don't want to get killed."

"But you just said it was hot."

"It's... more complicated than that," JJ says, rolling his eyes as he tries to explain the logistics behind his thinking. "I'd have to be, um, rough. Otherwise, it'd just feel like I wasn't reading the room."

"Obviously."

He looks at me for a second, "you're serious?"

"Do you remember when you fucked me after that shit with Nick?"

JJ adverts his eyes away from mine, "yes. I do."

"Well, apart from the emotional distress it caused when I thought I had just let you use me... I didn't regret it, I still... liked it, and I think it cleared my head a bit. I'm just saying we're both awful at arguing, and things always gets blown out of proportion, which has us trying to hurt the others feelings. Because that's how we learnt to argue, right? Leave no cards left on the table?"

"I swear, I don't want to fight like that with you," he tells me. "I don't know why I do, I just reach a point where I can't control the stuff coming out of my mouth."

"I don't want to fight like that with you, either. But maybe releasing a bit of energy before we say things we don't mean might not be so bad," I suggest, glancing to my side as I see the bus approaching us. "You're kinda hot when you're mad too," I add before getting onto it, looking behind at him as I step up onto the platform.

I can feel his hands on my hips as he follows me to the back, and even though he doesn't say anything about it—I can see his shorts tighten before he can adjust himself. I grin, resting my head on his shoulder as he draws circles in the palm of my hand, his breath a little ragged in my ear as I'm sure I can take a good guess at what he's thinking about.

Now would be a perfect time to reach over and see if he was down to mess around a bit on the bus, but my eyelids are heavy, and I'm finding it hard to keep them open. I swallow hard as I try not to panic when I notice how little desire I have to do anything other than go to sleep.

When we get off the bus, it's a short walk back to my house, and I can feel his hand slip into the back pocket of my pants as I unlock the door. I giggle, feeling his mouth press against my neck as he lingers behind me. Would he notice? It was easy with other guys, as most wouldn't even notice the difference between a wet and dry pussy once their dick was inside, and even if they did I doubt they'd care.

I reach my door, my hand a little shaky as I come to the conclusion that there was no way I could be turned on right now. But either way, I sigh softy when he kisses my mouth, kissing him back so that he slips his tongue inside, closing the door behind us. He pulls away, "let's get you out of some of these clothes."

We're walking upstairs, and I'm replaying our greatest hits in bed over and over again in my head. But as I kick my pants off and see his hand brush up against my underwear I grit my teeth together, stopping him despite every instinct telling me to keep going. "Wait. Fuck I—"

He pulls away, waiting for me to continue as I try to find my voice. I close my eyes, trying to calm myself down as I'll feel as if I'm letting him down no matter what I do. I know he'd be disappointed if I didn't say anything, I know it bothers him to have to have the same conversations over and over again. "Um..." I trail off, my voice yielding to my fear of not being about to give him what he wants instead and pulling him into another kiss, falling onto the bed so that he was on-top of me.

But when I go to kiss him again, he asks me to tell him what I was going to say, his mouth hovering right over mine.

"Don't worry about it," I say, but he's clearly not convinced as he raises his eyebrows in amused confusion. I roll my eyes, trying again to voice my feels with a bit more success this time. "I-It just might hurt a bit, I don't know," I try, wishing I thought to explain it differently now that the words have left my mouth. He stares at me for a second, and then his expression softens and he rolls off of me. "Why did you... you can still fuck me JJ. I'm just saying..."

JJ just sighs from next to me, turning onto his side so that I'm forced to do the same. "Sorry, I'm not really in the mood," he tells me.

"I can see your dick, JJ. I know that's not true."

"No, that's what you're supposed to tell me," he explains in a low voice, causing me to swallow hard.

"I want to make you happy," I explain after sitting with the silence for a bit, knowing that JJ will instantly try to explain how it wouldn't. "But I still want to give you the option if fucking me happens to be the better option for you one day."

"It won't be."

I'm not crying, but I also don't feel very good. "It's what happens when I'm sad sometimes. Like, not when I'm upset but when I'm... depressed I guess. You just don't really feel like doing anything. It has nothing to do with you."

"Okay."

"But that doesn't seem fair to you because you didn't do anything wrong."

He runs his hands through my hair, as all he can really do is deny my reasoning and assure me it's okay. It's repetitive, and I wish I could say that I at least tried this time despite knowing how ridiculous it would sound if I tried to voice my accomplishment.

"Are you mad?" I ask, and he shakes his head.

"If you really need to me tell you this again and again I will," JJ tells me. "I just hope that one day I don't have to."

"Can we sleep for a bit, then?"

He takes my hand, and slides my ring onto my middle finger. "Now we can."

I smile weakly as he kisses my temple, and drift off in his arms—my body relaxing as it realizes its getting what it wants.

Because it's what he wants too.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

More time passes, perhaps a few days. I don't bother to keep track, and spend my free time either sleeping or studying law; trying to find a way we could have John B walk free. Unfortunately, my tiny brain can only handle so much of the fine print before it taps out—and even Pope finds it hard to stay concentrated on some days.

"This is useless," he decides on day at lunch, "we need a change of plans."

"Wasn't it you who suggested this?" JJ points out, smoking a blunt while watching us try to sift through some books Pope had checked out from the library.

"I can admit when a plan doesn't work out," Pope tells his friend, closing the book he had in his lap with a bang. "Lexi, did you find anything?"

I shake my head, JJ reaching around and placing the blunt on my lips for me to take. I breathe out, the smoke getting carried off by the wind.

I watch it disappear, and continue to stare after it does, as if it'd reappear with the answers.

Later, when we go home, I pretty much sleep till the next day, just like the day before, and the one before that.

JJ asks every once in a while how I'm doing, and part of me wishes that we could've spent a little more time together before he had to experience me like this, but he doesn't seem to mind so much, and so I don't mind that I'm falling apart; focusing on just not spiralling spiralling out of control.

At least it was starting to get better, until one day I wake up hours before my alarm goes off, and when I do I don't feel so bad.

I gently shake JJ awake, who responds by groaning and turning away from me—as he wasn't so horribly over rested like me. Still, when I ask to go surfing before school, he nods, and I watch him try to hide the excitement in his eyes as he's taking the surfboards off the rack, and turning to see I'm already ready to go.

It takes us less than half an hour to start surfing, as one of the great thing about where I live is that you can literally swim to the nearest beach, and so we don't need a car to catch some waves and can instead take our boards and paddle through the bay.

I watch the sun as it fully rises around us, the water reflecting the last of the oranges and pinks that illuminate the sky before it eventually returns to it's usual blue. It was breathtaking; to the point where the cold of the ocean barely even bothered me and I was laughing without even having a reason to, the haze that has been clouding my eyes is no longer so bad, and I can open them fully without feeling like it's such an effort.

Of course, that feeling dulls a bit as the day goes on, especially when I'm no longer surfing but listening to teachers talk for an hour and a half at time. But that moment—no matter how short lived—is enough for me to cling onto.

By the time I get to history I've started to feel pretty tired, but I had told myself I'd stay for the whole day and so I drag myself to that class.

It's about halfway through that Pope gets called to the hallway, the three of us looking to one another to see if the other knew anything about it.

"Okay, what was that?" Kie asks, noticing how Pope seems to march back to his chair when he comes back.

He doesn't respond, and only shows us the letter he had received. I squint from where I'm sitting, Kie voicing what everyone else was thinking as it hits us: "is that the wheat symbol?"

And JJ, well, he also voices what was running through our heads in that moment.

"What the f—"

The teacher looks at him before he can finish his sentence, causing him to trail off awkwardly; "f-fudge," he finishes, stuttering a bit through the words. But we're forced to wait till the end of the class before doing anything more.

When the class ends with the sound of the bell, Pope rushes off without saying another word, the three of us following in confusion through the hallways of the school.

"What is this, a game of tag?" JJ asks as Pope turns into the library. "Am I going to have to beat you with your protractor? What's going on?"

The librarian shushes him, and Kie mutters out a rushed apology on his behalf. "Seriously Pope, you are driving me insane," Kie tells him as he finally stops walking away from us, sitting down in front of one of the computers.

"Okay, so that guy was from the scholarship committee," Pope explains, "take a look at this. Read it."

"Out loud," Kie adds as JJ takes it from Popes hands.

He pauses, glancing around at the three of us a little awkwardly. "I can't read cursive," he whispers after a moment, silence falling over us as we take in what he had just said before Kie takes the letter from him without saying another word—though the look she gives him speaks loud enough.

He turns to look at me then, his mouth forming a line when he sees that I have a hand covering my expression as I try not to laugh, his attention turning back to Kie as she begins to read the letter just so that he doesn't have to see my amusement.

"—Material evidence that can exonerate John B Routledge," Kie reads, and I realize I've tuned in at the right point as she tells as this lady wants Pope to meet her in Charleston tonight. "Please come alone, Regards. C. Limbrey," Kie finishes.

"How the fuck does she expect you to get to Charleston tonight," I ask.

"We'd have to leave right now," JJ adds.

"I have a spare." 

"I... don't want to go to class," I tell them as I raise my hand, willing to be anywhere but here right now.

"Material evidence, what does that even mean," JJ asks, reading the letter over again in his head.

"It means that we can clear John B," Kie explains.

"Oh shit, then we're going the Charleston," JJ concludes, a short laugh escaping me as the librarian shushes him again. But as Kie sorts out the logistics with her parents, Pope has turned his attention to the computer.

"Pope, what are you doing?"

He lets out a sigh, and I see what he has pulled up on the internet. "I'm not sure, but I think whoever this Limbrey person is, they might be related to the captain of the Royal Merchant."

"What the fuck is this life," I mutter, staring at the photo Pope had found, no one else saying anything more as Pope shuts the computer down and we shuffle out of the library.

JJ meets me at my locker, and we walk out to meet Pope and Kie.

"Are you up for this?" He asks before we come in earshot of the others.

"More than I'm up for school right now," I tell him.

"It could be sketchy," JJ points out.

I grin at him, "are you worried I'm going to be taken hostage or some shit," I tease.

"Alright, shut it now."

"I'll be good, I have a killer as my protector," I remind him, causing JJ to laugh, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me close. Not that I'd ever admit it as anything more than a joke, but it does have a certain appeal.

"Yea you will," he tells me in a low voice before greeting Pope and Kie, the four of us squeezing into Heywards truck despite it only really being fit for three.

It helped that I could sit on JJ's lap.

When we get to Kie's place, we let her out to talk to her parents, and though we didn't see the conversation that goes down, we begin to hear bits and pieces as it appears to escalate.

"Imagine having to ask your parents to go to Charleston," JJ says, trying to break the silence the three of us had fallen into as we subconsciously listen to Kie fighting with her parents. "Couldn't be me."

I snort, giving JJ a look as he stops himself from laughing at his own joke.

"No actually, you're not. Because you live on figure eight," Kie's mom yells as they come into view. "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"

We do our best to tune them out, as it feels like a conversation we shouldn't overhear. "How'd you get this rig? I know your old man didn't let you have it," JJ asks Pope, breaking the silence.

"I undid the intake valves on the carburetor, made it start pinging."

"An now your just going to take it to your cousin Jeffs house. Just going to get it fixed," JJ concludes.

"Crash overnight," the two add at the same time.

"Doesn't sound very prodigy child of you," I point out.

"I think I'm rubbing off on you Pope," JJ says, "lying to your old man, stealing his truck. Kinda sounds familiar."

"Touchy subject, my bad," JJ adds, raising his hands in defence when Pope only looks away.

"It's okay," I try to assure him when he says how long he has before his dad looses his shit, "we've got plenty of time."

But just as Pope relaxes, we tune back into Kie as she screams: "I'm not going to boarding school!"

"Oh fuck," I mutter, JJ and I sliding out so that Kie can sit back down into the middle.

"It's great to see you Mr. and Mrs. Carrera," JJ calls out to them with a smile and a wave, Pope assuring them that she will be back at a reasonable hour. I feel Kie's parents eyes falling on me as JJ's hand falls to rest on my shoulder, and I wave to them a little awkwardly as their stares linger.

"—If you don't come back at a reasonable hour, then don't bother coming back at all!"

"She's bluffing," JJ tells us as we tune back into the conversation. "Y'all have a good day!"

As we get into the car, Kie lets out a huff of anger, clearly still wound up and ready to keep fighting her parents on this. "This would be so much better without parents," she states.

My breath fails me and I find JJ's eye through the rear view mirror, sharing the same stiff expression I had as a sick feeling suddenly falls over me. Though both me and JJ had parents, it wasn't exactly like they qualify. Sure, it's easier to go to Charleston, or stay out late, or hang out on a school night... but I don't know. I guess I never saw that as an easier way of growing up.

Either way, I see JJ shrug it off, and I'm forced to do the same as Pope reverses out of the driveway.

**^**

"I'm not going to boarding school," Kie tells us later, once we're on the ferry. "They're going to have to kidnap me, tie me up, and throw me in a van."

"Maybe give you some heavy sedatives?" I add, "knock you out with a baseball bat."

"Oh, obviously."

I chuckle, something about the image of Kie going to a boarding school making me laugh as I sit at the end of the truck. "Well I say," JJ suggests, a smoke already between his teeth as he lights it, "we crumble some herb right now."

He passes it to Kie, who takes it passively—clearly still in her own thoughts as she smokes. JJ grins as he sits down, turning to me who sits across from him and playfully kicking my foot.

"Hey Kie, have you tried to hit John B back with that number yet?" Pope asks.

She nods, admitting that she had already tried like twenty million times with no luck, standing to offer him a hit of the joint. "What Pope are you going to be today?"

"I'm good," Pope says after staring at the offering between her fingers for a moment, "I'm going to try and stay on task."

"So good Pope," Kie concludes, sitting down next to JJ with a sigh. "Boring Pope," she then adds in a lower voice, but not low enough as everyone still hears it.

I give Kie a look, Pope turn away to lean his back to the truck and look at his feet. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't pay much mind to the comment, and just wiggles his fingers greedily; "I'll take that," he says, talking about the joint Kie was now offering to him. She jokingly holds it out of reach, pretending to order JJ around like a dog.

"Hey, Pope," I say as I notice him take himself out of the conversation. "Don't worry about tonight, alright?"

He pulls his weight off the side of the truck and takes a few steps towards me, "I just don't understand what they could have to help John B, I'm worried this is going to be another dead end."

I think for a moment, "even if they're bullshitting, it can't be a coincidence that they share the same last name as the captain of the Royal Merchant—it gives this chick some credibility at least. Plus, I swear I've heard the name before."

"Limbrey?"

I nod, "but, it was probably just John B, right?"

"Probably," Pope agrees, yet still nods his head with a bit more confidence this time. "Maybe she's looking to take the fortune away from Ward?"

"Maybe she worked with Ward?"

"Hm," Pope considers, "I guess we'll have to see."

"Hey, what are you two whispering about?" JJ suddenly asks, the joint in his outstretched hand for me take.

I roll onto my knees so that I can lean forward, taking a hit while he holds it out for me. "Just this Limbrey lady," I tell him, exhaling as I do so, "she's gotta have some ulterior motive, rich people don't give shit out for free."

"This is why we need socialism," Kie tells us.

"Either way, it's weird," I say, not entirely sure how Kie's comment relates to the situation at hand, "especially that whole 'coming alone' part. I mean, is she aware that Pope is seventeen?"

"If she knows anything about John B and the gold, then she'll know that we did all that on our own," Pope points out, "maybe we have a stalker."

"That's... a eerie thought," Kie grumbles, reaching across JJ's chest for the joint. "Hey, give it!" She exclaims when he holds her back.

"I'm not fucking done," JJ fires back, pushing her away as he smokes.

I watch her struggle, something odd in the way she fights back against him, something that... aggravates me. I see why it's so bothersome when Kie suddenly slaps his hand in shock, "those are my tits!" She gasps. Everyone, including JJ, turning to look at her with wide eyes, mostly because his hand had pretty much stayed in the same place the whole time. 

"That is your rib cage," JJ objects in a high voice, still instantly dropping his hand and giving her the joint. "But whatever you say I guess."

"It wasn't," Kie says shortly, JJ looking at me with his hands raised in silent protest, my eyes more focused on Kie as she looks away like she had been caught in a lie.

"Well, you have boney fucking tits then."

I choke on my laughter, and I hear Pope stifle a noise with his hand. "It's okay," Pope says, "I'm sure the female anatomy isn't JJ's strong suit."

Now I'm laughing, JJ's mouth falling open in offence as I don't rush to his defence. "Lexi! Help me out here," JJ exclaims, causing me to laugh even harder. "No. I see how it is," JJ sighs dismissively when I try to apologize, turning away as he pretends to hurt.

I'm still giggling when I speak; "alright, alright I'm sorry. Do you want me to tell you how well versed you are in the area? Cause you are sooooo—"

"—Well, now it isn't going to sound genuine," JJ pouts, his eyes dancing with amusement as he has to over-accentuate his frown or else he'll smile. I get back onto my knees, taking the joint from Kiara and taking a long drag.

"You know your good, killer, I'm not going to boost your ego," I say in a lower voice, a smile on my lips as I subconsciously glance at Kie from the corner of my eye to see her look away; hurt flashing across her expression before she can conceal it.

It makes my heart sink, but I don't show it; not wanting to accept why I feel this way, why Kie looks away in the way that she does.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt," JJ says, still pretending to sulk as he takes the last of the joint to finish.

"Pretty sure that giving JJ any more confidence would actually be detrimental to his health," Pope chuckles, hopping into the truck to spend the rest of the trip sitting down. I, on the other hand, test a theory I had by turning to sit between JJ's legs. I look up at him as I rest my back against him, smiling as he quickly ducks down to press a hasty kiss to my mouth before I'm resting my head on his shoulder—watching Kie as she tenses up and scrunches her nose in distaste.

She just doesn't like PDA, I remind myself, and even if she did like him—it's not like I stole him from her.

Still, I turn away from her to look up at the moving sky instead; pushing the idea as far from the forefront of my mind as I can.

I doze off a bit for the rest of the ride, only waking when I hear a few of the cars starting up again and we're getting back into the car.

It doesn't take us very long to begin thinking about the letter again as Pope drives. "Guys, I've been thinking about what you two were talking about," Kie says to me and Pope, "and like, you're right. This doesn't make any sense. The Limbrey's own like half of Charleston, what would they know about a murder on Kildare Island?"

"And like, why you, Pope? That the other creepy thing," JJ adds.

But just as Pope goes to respond, smoke begins to cloud the windshield, seeping out of the front of the truck. "I thought you lied about the truck having some problems," I exclaim as Kie takes note of how much smoke there is.

I feel JJ cough against me as he rolls the window up, "Pope, I got sensitive lungs, man!"

I don't have time to laugh at THAT statement, as we're hopping out of the car to see what had happened. "It's going to blow up," Kie frets, JJ moving to pick up the hubcap that Pope had managed to pop off.

"You probably unhooked the radiator," JJ tells him, clapping at his failure of an achievement with a laugh.

He takes a closer look as Kie starts listing off alternatives. "Yea, it's the radiator," JJ confirms, Pope staring off in shock rather than really listening to what JJ's telling him.

"My dad's going to kill me."

"Yea, he might. He might," JJ only says, patting him on the shoulder, "what do you wanna do about it?"

"What else can we do but take it to a mechanic?" Pope asks, and despite JJ's protests, we end up going with the only plan we have.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

We end up making it to this run down auto-repair shop that was in the middle of no-where, and spend a good deal of time watch the mechanic arguing back with Pope in an attempt to get more money out of him. I sit back with Kie, neither of us speaking as we listen into the conversation.

"You good?" I finally ask her, noticing how she's been off in thought a little more frequently today.

She doesn't say anything for a moment, shrugging my question off before looking off into the distance again. "Do your parents ever, threaten shit like boarding school with you?"

She still doesn't turn to look back to me as she speaks, like she was still engaged in the conversation she had with her parents despite it only being a memory now. "Sometimes, just because they know it's a threat," I tell her, "different intentions I guess, my dad, especially, cares more about being in control than my wellbeing."

I see JJ give up with the mechanic, walking over to us in defeat. "Dudes in heaven," JJ tells us, mimicking the mechanics voice until he notices the mood. "Hey, y'all alright?"

He looks to me for an answer, but I just nod my head towards Kie instead of explaining. "My mom is so worried about me being a Pogue, she's willing to send me away to boarding school," Kie murmurs. "I just can't wrap my head around it."

"She doesn't know what's best for you in this case," I tell her, "it seems in-personal to me, you didn't do anything wrong she's just... unable to see that you aren't the image she's drawn of you."

"I guess that's what you get for hanging out with the wrong crowd," JJ adds, Kie giving a small smile.

"Yea," I agree with a bit of a lighter tone, "what a group of kids we are; bad influences if you ask me."

"It's too late anyway," she tells us, "I already am who I am."

"Ain't all that bad," JJ tells her,"just look at that guy over there." He gestures to Pope; "he'd do anything for us. That's a Pogue if I've ever seen one."

We both watch as Kie studies Pope, before turning to look one another in the eye. "But that's just one mans opinion," JJ adds without turning back to her, giving me a little smile as our eyes stay locked.

"Make that two," I say, and part of me wonder's if JJ's just being a good wingman or if there's some other motive to opening Kie up to the idea of Pope. Had he begun to question Kiara's intentions as well?

Either way, it was weirdly comforting to hear him be so open to the pairing.

When the mechanic is done, Kie and I end up splitting the bill, hoping to minimize the fallout of dropping 370$ without our parents permission.

After paying, we drive to an open field, pulling out some blankets that we had found and making ourselves as comfortable as possible. I take a swig of JJ's flask before closing it for him, giving it to Kie to put away. I lie down next to him, which he takes as an invitation for him to slide his feet off of the trucks body so that he can turn to wrap his arms around me.

I hum in response, his body pressing against my backside making it feel like we're sleeping at home and not in the back of a pickup. I listen for the thought's I've grown accustomed to hearing as I fall asleep, the ones that tell me I'm better off dead, yet I wasn't really met with the same exhaustion that has been persistent for me lately, allowing me to savour the feeling of JJ's arms a little bit better.

God, I loved them, I think to myself as he pulls me in closer, noting how that's all that's running through my head now.

I let out a small breath, as without the thoughts—the ones that don't make me feel so good—I guess I can appreciate more of what life has to offer. Like JJ Maybank's arms.

"Goodnight guys," Pope sighs, snapping me out of my head to look over at him. I study Kie as she watches him before suddenly pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, JJ letting out a short chuckle against me as she bids him goodnight as well—obviously seeing what I saw as well.

It gives me another small breath of air, another relief I'm not exactly sure I wish to address.

Though they seem to fall asleep pretty fast, I stay awake, listening to JJ's breath that proves he's also still conscious, feeling how his grip would tighten around me every so often. It takes me by surprise when his hand finds the bare skin of my torso, absently running his fingers along the curve of my waist, flattening his palm when he finds a spot he likes. I choke on a gasp, not willing to bring attention to the knot twisting in my stomach from his actions.

I definitely wasn't about to go to sleep now, not while his hands move the way that they do.

At some point JJ sits up to drape a blanket over him and I, and I turn to face him. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," he murmurs when he notices my gaze.

"I hadn't fall asleep yet," I assure him, his brow softening as I do so before he twists overtop of me for a kiss. I instinctively reach out to hold him steady by his shirt as I deepen the act, shifting so it's not as awkward of a position.

He gives me a dopey smile when we pulls away, pecking my lips again before lying down next to me. "G'night princess," he murmurs, his hand reaching out to entwine with mine, and so he can idly play with my rings to pass the time. I swallow hard as an idea comes to mind, contemplating it for a good minute or so before I cave to temptation. Because he was hard too, I could feel it despite his attempt at trying to conceal himself by lying still. Reaching out to guild his hand, I get him to change my ring back to the finger I usually wear it on, listening as he lets out a heavy breath when he realizes what I'm implying.

"How do I know?" He whispers into my ear after a moment of silence.

"Check."

I feel him shift to slide his hand down my front, unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) flexing his hips into me as he runs his fingers between my legs, a short gasp escaping him when they slide into me with such ease that I wonder if it was even voluntary. He kisses the side of my face, pausing to watch the others sleep before I feel him pull my pants down to my knees, holding me still as he slips his cock into me with a groan.

"I didn't even have to—" his voice cuts out, a short chuckle escaping him as I feel him shake his head in disbelief, "fuck. You were ready for me weren't you." I nod absentmindedly, welcoming the pleasure that had washed over me, and slamming a hand over my mouth so that I don't make a noise.

"Good?" He asks, and I nod, turning into his shoulder so I can use his body to stifle my voice as he drives into me again.

But this time, we notice the major flaw in our plan, as the silence of the night is interrupted by the truck creaking to adjust to JJ shifting his weight. "Waitwaitwait, stop," I hiss, frantically placing my palm to the floor as if that could be enough to stop it from moving.

"fuck," JJ curses as he notices too, every muscle in his body tensing as he freezes. "I can try going slower or something?"

"It's... I wouldn't want to wake them up," I admit, no longer feeling so desperate for him now that I'm more worried about traumatizing our friends yet again. "I wouldn't feel comfortable i-if that's... okay."

"Yea no, same," JJ agrees, kissing my shoulder as he goes to pull out. "It would be a shitty thing for us to do."

"Wait," I whisper instinctively, reaching behind me to stop him, "what if you just... stay?"

"Huh?"

"I want... I want you to stay in me, even if you aren't fucking me," I quickly confess before I can chicken out, not even processing the thought until it's out in the open. "Just, stay?"

I hear him chuckle, "of course baby," he says, pulling me flush against the front of his body as I turn to get comfortable again. I grin, and he must've noticed as he's pulling the hair away from my face and kissing my cheek. "Thank you for telling me what you want."

I giggle, giddy from the feeling of him before I decide on continuing to say things I was usually to scared to say.

"Thank you for not fucking me when I was sad."

Okay, so it might have been a silly thing to be happy about, but I know I do want to tell him why I was so persistent, as I had insisted on multiple occasions over the past week that he could just use an artificial lubricant or something.

He only laughs again at the absurdity of my gratitude, as if he couldn't see any other option. "Seriously J. No ones ever... done that before," I explain, and I feel him go stiff as the meaning behind my words hit him now, no longer knowing how to respond.

And look, I know the bar shouldn't be that low, but I guess I'm only realizing the entirety of it now. You don't think of things like why you get so worried when you're not in the mood until you realize you've never been able to say no. I think that's why it's only really hitting me now.

"I'm just glad you're feeling a little better," is what JJ goes with.

"Yea well, a real shitty time to feel horny now," I add with a giggle, trying to lighten the conversation a bit.

"Hey, what are you talking about? There's no bad time to be horny," JJ tells me, "who wouldn't want to fall asleep with a personal heate—"

"—Alright," I step in, trying my best not to laugh to loudly, "we should go to bed."

"Alright," JJ repeats in good humour, "goodnight Lexi."

"Goodnight JJ," I say, already falling asleep, savouring the way his cock still satisfies the urge to get closer to him.

And he clearly likes it as well, as neither of us move until we wake up the next morning, JJ subconsciously rolling his hips into me as he begins to stir; my eyes snapping open when I'm finally conscious enough to notice. I blink, trying to make sense of my surroundings before I realize my pants were still pulled down, and though JJ's cock hadn't stayed hard the entire night (obviously), and was now, therefore, just resting against my ass, it was starting to wake up as he does.

Just for fun, I stick my ass out, and push his dick back into me, causing him to instantly grind into the feeling. I smile to myself as JJ's senseless state can still make sense of one things as his body goes through the same movements again, and I make sure to take note of when Kie and Pope begin to move around to avoid any chance of having to explain this.

I can already picture it: "no I swear we aren't fucking, his dicks just in me. We actually stopped last night because we didn't want to wake you guys."

Real classy, I know. But it doesn't stop me from testing my luck, and it doesn't stop JJ who's actually doing a half-decent job for being asleep.

A few minutes later I feel his body jolting awake beside me with a groan, going through the same stages of 'what the fuck is going on' that I went through earlier. "Fuck did I... did my dick stay in you all night?" He whispers.

I giggle, trying not to melt at the sound of his voice all ragged from sleep and being incredibly turned on, telling him "I might've helped it along," and turning so that I can speak into his ear and not raise my voice.

There's a moment of silence which follows before JJ lets out a short laugh. "I... I think I nearly just came right there."

"Seriously?"

"Yea yea, laugh away," JJ groans when he hears the humour in my voice, his breath hitching a bit as he accidentally moves to much and instinctively sinks into me again. "Holy fuck I'm..."

"You're barely moving," I tease.

"Yea but it felt really good when I was asleep," JJ mutters, "plus like... it's been a while."

"Like... you haven't even jacked off?" I ask him.

"No I... when would I have done that?"

"When I was sleeping," I suggest, "or, I don't know, in the shower?"

"No, that would've felt weird, I was worried about you. It tired me out, I honestly slept whenever you would."

The sun was starting to come up now, and I can't help but worry it'll wake Pope and Kie up if our talking doesn't. "Are you really that close now?"

"It's fine," JJ tells me, "just morning wood."

I respond by driving my ass back, testing to see how truthful his assertion was by shifting back and fourth. Not only 5 seconds had passed before I feel JJ frantically reach down to steady my hips, "o-okay easy now princess, I don't wanna make a mess."

"How close?"

"Incredibly."

I nod, slipping out of him and turning around to see the mixed emotions of relief and dissatisfaction on his face. But I wasn't done just yet, and I reach for the front compartment of the bag we're using as a pillow and pulling out one of those mini packets of Kleenex I keep in my bag, passing it to him. "Why don't you take care of that then?" I ask him. "If it'll really only take a few second."

His eyes widen in surprise, but I see his hand already moving to his cock, his free one hastily opening the packet with a decent amount of frustrated difficulty involved. But as soon as he gets the tissue out, I'm pressing a kiss to his lips, feeling his urgency when he kisses me back.

I surprise myself by reaching out and wrapping my hand around his neck, and though I wasn't quite sure what compelled me to do so, and I definitely take him by surprise as well, he doesn't protest; so I squeeze the sides a little tighter and he leans into my grip as his leg begins to twitch.

"Shit, you are close," I half-giggle-half-whisper, watching as all he does is whimper once more before mouthing a wordless 'fuck.'

His mouth falls open at the feeling as I grip his neck with all of my strength now, his eyes locking with mine before rolling to the back of his head and blindly finding my lips to smother the cry he lets out when he cums, frantically stroking himself through his high with as much composure as he can muster.

I relax my hand as I feel his muscles begin to go slack and his hand slows to a stop, wordlessly moving to help him clean up before slipping out from under the blankets to find a garbage, grinning as I replay the image of him getting himself off again and again.

When I return, I see that Pope was now awake, but immediately turns onto his stomach when he see's I've come back.

I guess not everyone has the luxury of dealing with their morning glory.

JJ laughs, "hey, don't worry, it's a natural occurrence."

Pope doesn't respond to that, and instead insists on getting an extra few minutes of sleep, flipping JJ off when he asks if he wants tissues. I hop back into the truck, JJ waiting for me with his arms outstretched and a tired smile on his face. "I never got to say good morning," he murmurs into my hair as he embraces me.

"Hm, good morning," I respond, noticing that Kie had begun to wake up as well.

"Hey, just so you know," JJ says after a second, "that was really hot."

"Yea?" I'm grinning as I turn to look at him, seeing how he watches me with adoration in such a way that makes me blush now that I wasn't feeling so bold.

I feel him nod, "oh yea. I can see why you like it now."

"I thought you liked to be in control," I tease, "what happened to that?"

It's his turn to blush now, causing me to grin at how he tries to come up with something to say. "I thought you didn't like being in control," JJ finally manages to come up with. "And like, I-I was still..."

"I'm more comfortable with you," I tell him, "makes me more comfortable with everything else."

"Yea, maybe I'm like that too, i-if you're chill with that." He seems to think for a second, dazed from the comedown and probably also because he's never been choked before. "Not that I want to be tied up or some shit," he hastily adds, "you don't get to call all the shots, alright?"

I giggle, nodding my head so that I don't have to say anything else on the subject before nuzzling closer to him, and we stay like this until the others are ready to start driving.

**^**

"You sure this is the place, Pope?" JJ asks later on as we pull up to the address indicated in the letter.

"Pretty sure," Pope says, a little dazed as he takes it all in.

"Alright," JJ says, everyone sliding out of the car, "talk about home security."

"JJ..." I trail off, not quite sure how to explain what those spikes were for as he asks if they were meant to keep people out.

"The slave quarters were over there," Pope points out, "they were meant to keep people in."

"Okay, I really don't like to be one to judge someone based on their appearance," I start, "but I am totally down to judge someone based on the house they own. Pope, I really don't know if this is a good idea."

"Agreed," Kie and JJ say at the same time.

But it was our one shot at clearing John B's name, and so Pope knocks on the front door anyways. "Do you think that was too much?"

"Well it echoed through the entire house, thats for sure. So they definitely heard it," JJ tells him.

"Maybe no ones home?" Kie suggests, looking to me in hopes I had something useful to add.

But before I have a chance to open my mouth, Pope tries the door again, a man opening it as he's knocking. The man was blond-ish, sorta average build, and looks between the four of us with mild confusion before the thought dawns on him; "you must be Pope," he says, pointing to him with a smile. "You were supposed to come yesterday."

Pope begins to explain what happened, but as he's stuttering through his response JJ cuts in; "carburetor blew up in nowheresville. Sorry about that," JJ says, knowing his friend will continue to ramble on and on if he didn't just get to the point.

"You were also supposed to come alone."

"Right cause that's not creepy," I cut in, "were you trying to sound like a sex offender?"

"The instructions were explicit," the man cuts in, "so you guys are going to have to stay outside." 

JJ goes to protest, but Pope tells us it's okay. "Get the car ready," he adds in a lower tone, Kie taking his hand for a moment before he disappears inside.

We go back to the car, JJ taking the drivers seat; keeping his hands on the wheel as if we're going to have to take off at any second. Kie plays with theories while we wait, toying with the idea of Sarah getting the gold if Ward is arrested, or anything that didn't have John B in jail for the rest of his life.

"Um... guys," I say, gesturing to Pope as he's lead by the man we had already met and some woman.

"Does that look voluntary?" Kie asks.

"That would be a negative," JJ responds, but stops her when she goes to get out, "they're going around the alley."

"So we drive around?" I ask him.

"Yup," he says, starting the car and pulling out onto the road, Kie reminding him to be chill as we cautiously make our way around back. Of course, JJ starts rambling about C.H.U.D. Asking if they could've gone underground.

"JJ, focus, that doesn't make any sense," Kie tells him.

"I can't see where they could've taken him," I say, too worried to focus on what JJ's saying.

"Me neither."

I think for a moment, "you think they had different fences around back?" I point to the brick that separates two houses, a small fence with similar spikes off to the side.

"That has to be it," Kie concludes, JJ stopping the car so that we can hop out.

By the time we make it over the fence, Pope is pretty easy to spot, JJ already there kicking the taser away to Kie and helping Pope run off by kicking the man down again when Pope gets off. I open the door, JJ taking the drivers seat again while Kie and I share one seat.

"Lets get the heck out of crazy town," JJ exclaims, pulling out and driving off as fast as he can—right down a one way street.

JJ turns at the last second, nearly taking out two people in the process as they're crossing the road. I let out a shriek; "holy FUCK!"

"Those were people, JJ!" Pope practically screams, but JJ's clearly past our near encounter with death as he lets out a whoop of excitement.

"That was evasive driving technique right there, y'all," he shouts over our cries of panic, bringing us all to slightly dumbstruck silence as we have no choice but to let him continue to drive.

Of course, he continued to drive right until the car broke down again, giving us no choice but to try and loose him on foot.

I swear I hear someone calling my name as I take off, trying my best to put those years I did track to use as Kie tells us that she thinks he has a gun.

How the fuck did I use to run like this for fun?

I'm blindly following JJ as he leads us down alleyway after alleyway before we finally come out onto a main road. The change in direction makes me skid to a stop, but the shock that comes over me when I realize what I was looking at nearly makes me fall over.

"J-Johnny boy?" I exclaim, speaking the first thought that comes to me, looking over to JJ to make sure I'm not seeing things before finding Sarah in the back seat. The moment passes and it all sinks in, time begin to return to normal, which allows me to move my feet to get into the back seat with Kie.

I'm numbly pulling Sarah into a tight hug as chaos continues to unfold around us, "oh my God, I never thought I'd see you again!"

I can't even hear her response as I'm moving so Kie can hug her too, though after the moment is over she's reaching back to pull Pope up onto the bike when she notices the strange man trying to grab onto him. "Ew," Kie exclaims as she shoves the guy, "get off!"

He then proceeds to face plant onto the road as we collectively shove him off the bike, earning a collective cheer from all of us as we ride off to safety.

It gives me a chance to look around, and to realize that everyone was back together. 

I yell out in glee until my voice is raw, the others doing the same.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

We don't waste any time getting out of Charleston, everyone climbing onto the boat that Sarah and John B got here on with about a thousand questions running through our minds, which none of us had the time to ask just yet.

When we do get off, there's a good couple of minutes where we're all just watching the town get smaller behind us, adrenaline still pumping through my body as I glance around at my friends; before everything hits us again and we go back to embracing one another.

We get in by sunrise, giving John B and Sarah time to explain their adventures while we do our best to describe ours.

"Wait so Lex, you were in LA?"

"Yea, for a bit," I tell John B, "but I'm here to stay now."

The motor is the only sound that fills the air as he nods before slowly looking from me to JJ; "so, should I... ask?"

Laughter instantly breaks out amidst the rest of the group, everyone already well aware of what he's talking about. JJ groans as John B begins to poke fun at him, "okay okay, I get it," he says, shoving everyone else off before slinging his arm around me, "but she hasn't killed me yet."

"Awww," John B chuckles as JJ kisses my cheek, which of course has me push JJ away in embarrassment, scrunching my nose in distaste as John B continues to tease us.

Times passes, and we park the boat sometime later with a mission to find food for breakfast.

Kie, Sarah, and I walk together, somehow ending up in someone's garden stealing a watermelon. "Jackpot!" Kie calls out, and we help her break it open before devouring it with our hands.

"Oh my God," I groan as I shove another piece into my mouth, glancing over at Sarah as she moans between mouthfuls of food, "this is amazing."

"This is better than sex," Sarah adds.

"Okay," I joke, grinning as I take another bite, causing her to giggle. "Hey! as great as this watermelon is, I'm not exactly sure if it should be granted such a title."

"Whatever, weirdo."

I playfully kick her shin as we go back to eating, the birds beginning to sing more now that the sun has fully risen, filling the silence that falls over us.

"Okay, so you really got married?" Kie asks after another few bites.

"Yea, what's up with that?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly legal but..." Sarah trails off, suddenly shy with her words as she knows how corny the gesture is, and yet something in the way she smiles tells me she loved it regardless, whether she was willing to admit it or not. We nod in understanding, causing her to look away "...yea," she concedes, Kie and I looking over to one another with the same knowing expression. "So, what's been up with you guys?" Sarah asks.

"Oh, you know," I sigh, "school, parties... trying to find evidence that proves our friend isn't a cop killer."

"Ah, so the usual," Sarah concludes with a laugh, "what about you and JJ?"

"What about me and JJ," I fire back, rolling my eyes when she persists. "We're still kicking."

"They broke up when Lexi went home," Kie spills, Sarahs mouth dropping open.

"No! Why? What happened?"

"I didn't know how long I'd be in LA," I defend, "and I don't know, I didn't want to always worry about being betrayed. Wasn't in a good place to do long distance."

"So you'd rather him hurt you with no strings attached?"

"Exactly! Plus, we're fine now," I assure her, "so you don't have to worry about getting kidnapped and held at gun point."

"Well, thank God for that," Sarah replies sarcastically. "What happened when you guys were broken up?"

"What happened was that he got Chlamydia," I laugh, telling her before I can stop myself.

Sarah actually gasping aloud, her hand slamming over her mouth.

"No, don't worry," Kie cuts in, "it's not as shitty as it sounds, just a bad situation all around."

"Chlamydia?" Sarah shakes her head, "when will this boy learn?" The air is filled with our laughter once more, something so satisfying about all of us talking together again, even if it is about JJ's slightly self destructive behaviour. "So, am I crazy, or is there definitely something going on between Kie and Pope?" Sarah points out once our laughter had died.

"Oh my God, yea!" I exclaim, turning to Kie, even when she doesn't meet our eyes.

"Maybe."

"That's not a no," Sarah says.

"That's not a no," Kie confirms, suddenly very interested in the watermelon as I begin to snicker.

Sarah looks over at me, biting her lip in concealed excitement. "Girl."

It has Kie bursts out into a fit of giggles, prompting us to follow suit just after composing ourself.

"I'm going to see what's up with the boys," I tell them, "see what they're gossiping about."

They follow with food for the boys, aka another watermelon, my feet make the dock creek and causing the boys to look over at me. "Hey," Sarah calls out to them as she comes up behind me, "what y'all talking about?"

"Fishing."

"Dropping lures," JJ adds.

"Sounds like we missed a real interesting one," I muse, rolling my eyes as there was no way in hell that was what they were really talking about.

"Need any help?" JJ asks Sarah, taking the watermelon from her hands before passing it over to John B, taking my hand as I step onto the boat and pulling me into his lap. "How was the watermelon?"

"Wonderful," I tell him, prompting him to kiss my cheek.

"You get used to it," Pope tells John B, who was busy gawking at the two of us interact with one another.

I feel JJ pull me a little closer in response, raising his eyebrows as if to dare John B to say something about it. "Alright, why don't we head back to the chateau?" John B suggests, still grinning at us as the others agree around him. "Perfect."

Boating home, I let the wind whip at my face, laughing mindlessly as I'll hear the odd comment from one of my friends. Every time I'd look over, and happen to see John B or Sarah, it'd hit me again—how they weren't gone, or just a voice on a messaging app.

They were here, and according to John B; here to stay.

"There she is," John B says as we pull up to the chateau.

"Bet its good to see her old bones." JJ reaches over and pats his friend on the back before turning to help dock.

I climb out of the boat; "I'm going to be honest," I hear Kie say from behind me, "not exactly looking forward to a checkin at home."

I laugh humourlessly, "you mean to tell us we didn't arrive with ample time to spare? What about you Pope?"

"I predict some unpleasantries at the Hayward household after leaving the truck in Charleston," he says.

"God, I knew we were forgetting something, don't you hate it when that happens," I tease, causing him to groan audibly.

JJ speaks up; "no one knows we're here right?" I turn towards JJ's voice, already a little sure of where he's going with this; "and you two can't get in any more trouble for showing up 12 hours later." JJ looks to them for confirmation, "am I right or am I right?"

"You're not wrong," is all Pope says.

But it's enough for JJ; "so, we have 12 hours to do whatever we want."

I look over at Sarah, seeing that she's already shaking her head, despite John B agreeing to let the shit hit the fan tomorrow. "The cops could be looking for us, it could be really stupid," Sarah points out.

"Sarah Cameron," JJ starts, "you've heard of my philosophy, right?"

"Oh God, not this," I groan as Sarah shakes her head, everyone else already ready for what JJ's about to say.

I can help but say it along with everyone else; "stupid things have good outcomes all the time."

"Just look at us," JJ adds, slinging his arm around me; "stupid things," he points to himself, "good outcome," he then gestures to me to make his case. He grins at his own little analogy, knowing that the others weren't about to argue.

"Congrats, you get twelve hours JJ," I chuckle.

"Alright, lets get some beer!"

We head over to the liquor store, Kie and JJ going inside to get some beer, but not before I hand over a bit of cash. "Daddy's money, always coming in handy," JJ sings as he takes it, "I will admit, your trust fund is starting to grow on me, Lex."

"JJ... just get the damn beer," I grumble, which he only does after giving me a quick kiss.

As they leave, Sarah speaks up; "so, speaking of your parents... you... still live with them?"

I'm actually a little taken aback by the question, as I don't get it as often as I probably should, which of course makes it feel like I'm just ungrateful for wanting to leave. "I don't really live with them here," I point out, "and I don't have to worry about utilities or rent. I can't see why I'd leave."

"Well," John B says after a moment, "you're always welcome at the Chateau if things get rough."

"I'll hold you to your word," I tell him.

"Hey Lex?" Pope says, the first words he had spoken in a while, "I forgot about this until now, but I feel like there's something Limbrey told me that you should know."

"What is it?"

Pope pauses, glancing at John B and Sarah before going for it; "she knew Nick. She told me... he was helping Ward and Big John out in the beginning, using his status to get around the law, sorta like a fall guy who never actually falls."

I swallow hard, a distant memory coming to me now as I do remember something about a Limbrey. "After what happened with Big John, I guess he still worked with Ward and Scooter," Pope tells me.

"Well, it explains why the gun you guys found in the safe had his name on it," I point out.

"Limbrey said he was the only one willing to continue to work with her... she said she met you once, recognized you when she was watching us from inside."

I blink, trying to put the blonde hair and crutches to some other face from my past, but I can't find her. "I don't know, but if she worked with him then that should be another reason not to trust her."

Pope nods; "I'm sorry we keep running into him."

"All I care is that Shoupe doesn't give Nick's decomposing body a second glance," I say, "what's done is done."

I'm partially grateful to see Kie and JJ reemerge with beer, so that none of us have to talk about Nick any longer and we can just go home.

When we arrive, I help JJ fill up the hot tub and change into my bathing suit.

"Hello," I hear JJ say from behind me, his voice low despite it just being the two of us inside, his hands sliding around my waist as I stand in front of the mirror. "Cute bathing suit."

I hum, letting my head fall back as his lips find my neck, his fingers digging into the bones of my hips as I feel him grind into me.

"JJ! Lexi!"

"They're calling for us," I murmur, causing JJ to begrudgingly pull away.

"I'm not done with you," he assures me, "mark my word, we will continue this."

I grin, pulling an open button down on so that I wasn't completely bare before following JJ outside.

I'm taking the blunt Kie's offered as the boys bring out the beer, giving it back to her as JJ passes me a drink. I help Sarah cut hers open to shotgun using my keys, laughing as John B lets out a yell when he finishes his, and I'm pulling Sarah up to dance with her in the hot tub.

The night goes on like this, the beer getting finished pretty quickly and our singing getting louder and louder.

"C'mon Lex," John B yells after the song ends, "there has to be a song you don't know the words to."

"Oh I'm sure there are plenty, but none that are good."

He laughs, slinging his arm around me; "I'm glad you didn't stay in LA."

"Aw, would you have missed me?"

"Oh horribly. I'm not sure how this one would fare either," John B says, nodding his head towards JJ.

"Alright, alright," I hear JJ yell over at us, "we get it, I'm hopeless on my own."

John B laughs as JJ shoves him off of me so that he can be next to me instead. "You weren't exactly a prime example of coping," I say.

"I heard you got Chlamydia," John B adds.

"Oh fuck you, I was wondering when that would come up!"

His voice is drowned out by John B's laughter at how self destructive his friend was, "c'mon man, do better."

"Yea yea, I know," JJ groans, "I'm... an idiot."

JJ turns to talk to Pope then, but as I go inside to grab more booze, I can't help but notice him following me, reminding me of what he had told me at the beginning of the night.

"What do you want," I tease without turning around, listening to the door as it shuts behind the two of us.

"Hm," he muses as I feel his hands track my waist, "there was a conversation we had earlier that I'd like to resume."

I turn around to face him, his lips on mine the second I do so; my hands running through his hair. "What... do you... wanna... talk about?" I say between breathes, but I'm left without an answer as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, picking me up and bringing me to the kitchen counter.

When he finally does pull away, I'm still leaning forward, my mouth still open and waiting for his. He runs his thumb along my bottom lip; "do you remember how I said I'd make my follies up to you? Because I feel like I've accumulated a few."

I think for a moment, or perhaps I was just stuck on him using the word 'folly' in a sentence as I can only give him a blank look.

"Watch the door."

"Watch the door?" I repeat, looking to it as if it somehow had the answer.

"Mhm," he says, "I feel like it's been too long since I've paid my debts and..." he brings me closer to the edge of the counter, lowering himself to one knee; "I miss the taste."

My voice dies in my throat as he presses his lips to my inner thigh, sucking enough to form a mark on my skin. He repeats the motion again, a soft moan escaping me as I let my head fall back—a little too quickly as I accidentally bang my head on the kitchen cabinets, the act making a loud bang.

I feel JJ pause at the noise, and when he looks up at me I see him trying not to laugh, causing me to snicker at his expression. "Are you okay?" JJ asks me, the odd laugh escaping him as well.

"Fuck off."

It's enough for him to giggle, letting his head fall for a moment before looking back up at me, "I'm going to eat you out now, if you aren't too injured to carry on," JJ tease, which only makes me laugh harder, "okay?"

"Okay," I say shortly, smiling down at him as he pulls my bathing suit to one side before abandoning the material all together and pulling it off.

"Eyes, princess," JJ reminds me as he starts to rub me off, "watch the door."

I comply, stealing a quick glance down as I feel his tongue graze past it's objective end.

It's objective—I nearly laugh at my choice of wording in my head—as if the sole purpose of his tongue was to get me off.

But as his tongue begins to lap at my clit, that's exactly what it felt like.

I watch the door, and the window that is open to allow the breeze to flow through the house, reminding me to stifle each moan that slips out; sinking my teeth into my knuckles as he slips two fingers into me, his other hand coming up to press against my stomach.

I whimper as a jolt runs through my body, his fingers curling to nudge up against the same spot every time, dragging them down the wall of my cunt in the same way with every stroke. His movements were methodical, drawing a consistent reaction out of me as the feeling of him pushing up against me from both sides has me seeing double; the pressure almost feeling to be too much.

I feel myself begin to twitch before I cum, making sure to give the door one last good look before feeling the pressure in me let go, my vision whiting out as I bite down on my hand as hard as I can and I go rigid, tears leaking from my eyes and running down my face as pleasure courses through me.

But as I tilt forward, I notice JJ's no longer eating me out, but simply watching his fingers continue to sink into me, my body beginning to pulse as...

I let out a strangled gasp, more surprised than anything to see my inner thighs now drenched with... well I guess it would be considered cum? More floods from me every time my body convulses until I've reached such a point where I'm begging for him to ease up on me.

I drop my hand, JJ reaching for it as he sees that I've drawn blood; "you okay?"

This time he does sound a little concerned, but I just brush him off. "I'm wonderful," I assure him, "more... surprised I guess."

"Why?" He sounds genuinely confused for a second as he reaches for paper towel, but then the realization hits him; "y-you don't know that you do that?"

"WHAT?"

"Yea. Sometimes, but I guess you're often a little, um, out of it."

I laugh, shocked that I had never seen it, or... felt it before. "I guess it feels kinda similar to a regular orgasm," I say, "and yea, I'm often a little, how did you put it? Out of it."

I clean up, and he helps me off of the counter (to wipe it down as well), holding my hands up to my face as I feel it's still burning hot.

JJ chuckles, fixing my hair as we join the others, making sure to kiss me one last time before we hear the distinct voice of John B yell out to us. "Well, look at what we have here!"

I blush; slightly. I knew at this point I've put myself in situations that are much more embarrassing than this. "I went out look for drinks," I try, showing them the bottle of hard liquor.

"And it took 10 minutes?" John B fires back.

"Hey, five," JJ cuts in before hopping back into the hot tub, earning a collective laugh slash groan from everyone around.

"It took a second to find," I say, grinning as I know at this point there's no point in making excuses, but it was sorta funny to keep trying.

"Oh? It took a second did it? Did you just happen to end up in the spare bedroom while you were looking?"

"Hey!" I pretend to be offended by the accusation, playfully shoving him away as he reaches for the bottle of alcohol and taking a swig as I get back into the hot tub.

"Fuck, I need'a chaser," I practically gag, beer being the closest thing I could find, "what the fuck is this?"

"Erm... pretty sure it's vodka I managed to get for 10$?"

I shiver, passing it to John B so he could try. "Look at us," Sarah chimes in, "the last time we were partying together, it was when we found the gold."

"Pretty good night," Pope sighs, "if only we had known what was awaiting just around the corner."

"Remember, JJ wouldn't even admit he liked Lex then," John B pipes in, gagging before and after speaking from the drink.

"Hey! I hate to be THAT person, but I did, in fact, admit I liked her that night," JJ points out.

"You admitted that you lovvveeeeddd her," Sarah purrs, teasing the words out just to get a reaction out of him.

He finds my eye, laughing in embarrassment as the others continue to poke at his feelings as he moves to sit next to me. "Okay okay," JJ exclaims playfully, "enough of this mockery!"

"I think we will never get tired of mocking you, JJ," Kie sighs, briefly diverting her attention from the conversation she was having with Pope when we had come back.

"Well, I'll drink to that," JJ tells her, taking the bottle from John B and taking a gulp. "Oh fuck, that is really bad," JJ chokes out, turning away to compose himself before sitting up straight, "what are y'all saying? Cause I wanna keep this night young!"

Taking one of the beer boxes, JJ cuts eye-holes in it using his pocket knife, pulling it over his head and raising his hands up in the air.

He keeps it on for a ridiculous amount of time.

At some point Pope ends up free-styling?

I'm listening as I pass the blunt back to JJ, "wow, Pope Francis," I giggle through the smoke.

"Just like the good Lord intended," JJ adds with a sigh.

"That was way to genuine."

I'm laughing at Sarahs comment as JJ protests, Pope sliding into embrace JJ, which makes him burst out into a fit of giggles. I'll admit that while Sarah and John B were gone, it was sometimes hard to hang out with our friends, but right now there was genuinely no place I'd rather be.

After, the boys seem to find some entertainment in wrestling one another; "since when did you start wrestling?" John B asks.

"I dunno," Pope exclaims, standing with affirmation before stumbling off. "I'm done, I'm outta here."

"Uh oh," I joke, "do you need someone to hold back your hair?"

"Drink to many beers?" JJ asks in a odd accent, offering to go for another round, which Pope promptly passes on.

My eyes go wide as I see Kie stand then, sheepishly glancing around before following him off without saying another word.

"Really?" Sarah exclaims.

"Way to be discreet!"

I'm laughing at JJ as he yells out to her; "hey Francis!" I add, "don't forget to use protection, there can only be one Pope!"

Sarah snorts into her drink. "I leave and this is what happens?" John B sighs dramatically, looking right at JJ.

"Are you blaming me?" JJ accuses, shaking his head when John B doesn't deny it as he steps out of the hot tub. "You guys are the ones that died, alright?" JJ reminds him as he leaves, "like that was like—"

"—Literally one job, JJ," Sarah cuts in.

"OkAy."

"No pogue on pogue macking, what else could have possibly hindered your attention with Lexi gone?"

"Are you calling me a distraction Sarah Cameron?"

"You were not meant to lead by example," Sarah presses on wiggling her finger at JJ as he rolls his eyes.

"One job?" He repeats, "I only had on—who got you the phantom, huh? Ever think about that!"

"Look what you let happen while you were busy sulking, JJ," Sarah laughs, "no excuses! You're a pogue..."

She trails off as JJ tells her to hold that thought, noticing John B by the tree. I watch as he climbs out to talk to his friend, handing Sarah a drink of the mystery vodka she had been refusing all night as she finally caves to the pressure.

"Oh, eugh!"

I giggle as she gives it back to me, "all the important nutrients, right here in this bottle," I tell her.

"Then explain to me why it makes me wanna yack?"

I shrug, "healthy never tastes good."

We let our laughter die down before Sarah speaks up again, "so... do I need to change the sheets before going to bed tonight?"

"Oh my god," I roll my eyes, "we have a bit of respect..."

"It's worse than that, isn't it."

Just like that, I'm laughing again, telling her not to worry about it as she cries out in distaste. "You guys need help," she tells me.

"Oh, I'm aware."

Sarah shakes her head, "so I'm guessing these past few weeks haven't been great?"

"It's been... a lot," I decide on, "you know, you guys... me leaving... me coming home to everything kinda spiralling..."

"What the fuck was that with JJ and another girl?"

"It's... complicated, he was not in able body or mind when it happened."

Sarah gives me a look as she gets the gist of what I'm saying, glancing over at the blond as if it was her way of trying to comfort him. "You know... I really missed you," I tell her, "everything's been fucked here."

She pulls me into a hug, "fuck, I missed you too. I don't even know how I'd have handled it if the roles were reversed and I thought you guys had died."

We stay like that for a moment before I pull away; "plus like," I add in a lighter tone, "I think Kie needs another girls opinion cause I'm like, really not great when it comes to that stuff."

Sarah laughs, "what are you talking about? I think you give good advice."

"Yea, anything dark and horrid problem? I've got that shit covered. Boy problems?"

I make a face which seems to say enough as she mirrors my expression; "fair point."

"Oh!" I hear JJ call out, turning to see what he was looking at as I see a boat pulling away.

Pope and Kie.

"Have a good time," Sarah yells out to the two, making me snicker.

"Dude, he jacked your boat!"

"Popes poking on the pogue," John B says as he watches them leave. But as JJ goes to speak, John B tells him to wait; "what was that?"

"Your... chicken," JJ suggests, but John B insists it was a car door.

"Maybe a... neighbour," I chime in, JJ too busy mimicking the chicken to make any other helpful remarks—John B shutting JJ up by covering his mouth with his hand. But then I hear it too, "JB..." I say in a low voice, "I think..."

He tells us to climb, extinguishing the fire as JJ begins to help me and Sarah get to the first branch quickly; following me as soon as I gain some distance from the ground. I silently watch John B as he scales up to our level, all of us exchanging a worried glance as the footsteps are much more noticeable now.

My body goes numb, but I still manage to point Barry out when I see him, JJ's breath hitching in his throat as he reaches up to briefly take my hand in an attempt to reassure me.

And then I see Rafe. I look over to make sure Sarah sees him too, her face paling at the sight.

Barry comes out a minute later, telling him there was no one inside.

"They were obviously just here based off the smoke, man," Rafe tells him.

"Yea, yea, yea, great observation Boy Scout," Barry fires back, making them sound like an old married couple.

"They're not far!"

"Smokey the bear, look at you!"

I probably would've laughed if I wasn't scared half to death.

Because when Rafe laughs, looking at the memorial engraved into the tree, listening to Barry joke about who his sisters become, he looks to be bordering on insane. John B reminds Sarah to be quiet as she begins to hyperventilate, JJ watching to see if I'm okay.

I give him a small nod, looking back down as Rafe suddenly yells out, causing Sarah to flinch.

But what made me flinch was the gun, the first one hitting the tree, the second getting fired into the air when Barry tries to restrain him, the third...

I feel the third blow past me, hitting the tree JJ ducks behind. I'm grateful for the two's bickering now as I let out a ragged sob, terrified for a moment that JJ would suddenly fall limp above me.

I cover my mouth, only able to relax ever so slightly when I see him reappear unharmed to examine the hole the bullet made.

But it doesn't stop the tears from falling.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

It takes a good couple of minutes for me to calm down, as ridiculous as it sounds.

JJ eventually climbs down to sit next to me, John B now next to Sarah as she too seemed pretty shaken up—mostly from seeing her brother.

We go inside, but stay up all night.

"You know that night I got upset and stormed off," I whisper to JJ at around the 3am mark. "Well, I saw him."

"Saw who?"

"Rafe."

It clicks after a couple of seconds, his head whipping to look me in the eye. "What? Why didn't you... see THIS is why you don't just leave without telling anyone where you are going, Lex," JJ exclaims, "what the fuck."

"I know, and I'm sorry," I tell him, "but I think Ward had him out burying Gavins body."

"What?" The small voice of Sarah asks, "Gavin?"

"The, um... pilot," I say, awkwardly clearing my throat, "your dad, he um..."

"Shot him," JJ finishes for me.

"But, what I'm trying to say is that whatever this shit is that's making Rafe able to kill someone, Ward's been feeding into it."

We all go silent, John B turning back to watch the window for a moment before asking Sarah if she was okay.

"What counts as okay?" Sarah asks him.

"Fair enough."

JJ insists I get at least 30 minutes of sleep, and so at some point I end up dosing off in his lap, the sun jolting me awake an hour later as it peaks in through the windows.

We practically run to meet Kie and Pope when we see them casually making their way to the dock, explaining in the simplest of terms that we have to go now when we get there.

We keep a low profile as we boat off, and I'm still trying to keep myself together as my head can't seem to keep up with all the changes.

As we find a place to dock, Kie comes to the natural conclusion that it's only a matter of time before everyone knows about Sarah and John B.

I'm gone, so gone now, and everyone else is too freaked out to even notice.

JJ getting mad, explaining that we should've gone south and John B has to try to calm him down, knowing it's probably what he should have done now that he's back one peoples radar. JJ only sits when I drag him down next to me by reaching out and taking his hand, subtly noticing how he brings his hand up to clutch his heart.

All I can do is try to comfort him, which I do by wrapping my arms around his bicep, kissing the tip of his shoulder.

"I have an idea," Sarah tells us, her voice shaky as she suddenly pipes in, "with me back, my dads going to have to choose between me and Rafe."

"Sarah, Sarah," John B cuts in.

"He's going to choose me!"

"Ward keeps lying to you," John B only says, fear threatening to tamper with his voice.

"Sarah, he's not going to just agree after everything thats happened," Kie tells her.

I'm a bit better now, and I ignore the fact that it might be because of him.

"I'm going to have to agree with them," I add, in somewhat of a steady manner, "you're going to get yourself in a bad situation if you go through with this."

"I know it sounds crazy," Sarah tells us, "but... h-he's my dad, and I know him, and I know he loves me."

JJ shakes his head, everyone else shares the same expression of doubt. "I'm just asking for two hours," Sarah says, leaving before anyone can work up the courage to say something else.

"I don't know," Kie groans once she's gone, "if it were like Lex or something, I really can't see her running back to ask for her dads favour."

"Sarah's relationship with her father has only been recently tarnished," I say in a low voice, "she's probably still in denial."

"That makes it worse," Pope points out.

"How can she not see—"

"—She can see the person he is," I say, cutting JJ off, "I... I sorta get it, from back when the wounds with my dad were still fresh. You know they're a bad person and yet... you still want them to pick you."

"Yea well, I was an only child."

JJ's sarcasm lightens the mood a bit, but John B still doesn't crack a smile.

"Do you think he'd hurt her?" John B asks, his voice barely audible as if it pains him to even ask.

"No," I assure him.

"If it were your dad—"

"—it's not my dad," I say before he can finish his sentence, "different demons."

We can hear the birds singing loudly now as no one speaks.

"So," JJ awkwardly clears his throat, turning to look at Pope and Kie, "you kids got home late."

I wasn't sure of what sorta reaction I was expecting, but I was a little surprised to see that neither even tried to steal a glance at the other, sitting up a little stiffer as both of their faces colour.

"Hey, it's chill," JJ adds when he sees their reaction, "we were just fucking around about the rules and all that."

"We'd be the biggest hypocrite's to exist if we actually had something against it," I add.

"Yea," Pope only says, "it's... thanks."

Kie doesn't say anything at all.

Sometime later we see Sarah reemerge on boat. "Sarah," Kie calls out, waving her arms in the air.

I didn't have to be a mind reader to already know how the conversation went, as even though she put on a good front, her eyes were still red with tears when she greets us.

"You guys were right," she says, "It didn't work."

"Well then that settles it guys," JJ declares, and this time no one disagrees with his plan for them to leave town. But just as everyone begins to come together and sort out the logistics of it all—Kie comes to the startling revelation that it was quite possibly too late.

I don't remember much after that, but I do know that when the dust settled, and there was no where else left to run; John B made JJ drop the gun.

I'd never say it aloud, but I was grateful he did.

To say it make it any easier to watch John B get his ass kicked before driving off in the back of police car though? No, it didn't make any of that easier.

"What do we do now?" I ask when we get back to the chateau, still holding Sarah as tears continue to stream down the sides of her face. They had questioned us, and eventually they let Sarah go as we weren't willing to leave until they did, however, by the time all that got taken care of it was practically midnight.

"All we can do is sleep," Pope tells us.

"I don't know if I can," Kie replies weakly.

I swallow hard, "why don't we just stick together tonight?"

That was how all 5 of us managed to squeeze onto one bed, sharing the rest of the previously undrinkable vodka without saying a word about its quality before passing out.

It helped that I feel asleep on JJ's chest, giving everyone else a bit more room.

When I wake up the next morning, I'm surprised to see that everyone is still on the mattress, turning to my side to see Sarah next to me; her arms around the empty bottle of booze like she was cuddling with it.

"That's a photo," I hear JJ tell me, and despite everything I take one, "she'll thank you later."

I nod, laughing inwardly when I notice everyone's face. "The dirt we all got on our skin looks funny when we've been crying, everyone's got these lines down their face."

JJ smiles softly, "you've got them too."

I hum, only noticing how Kie's got her arm wrapped around JJ's now that I'm a bit more awake. I almost want to roll my eyes at the feelings that rise up inside of me, as if something like that was really so important to take note of right now. But my brain clearly doesn't have any of that perspective, nor does it have common sense as it's also quite possible that it was an unconscious thing she happened to do in her sleep—nothing intentional about it, I mean fuck, JJ doesn't even notice.

"We should shower before John B's trial," I tell him, "at least get the dirt off so that his friends don't look like a bunch of delinquents."

Can I rate my pain now that the dust has settled?

It was nothing, really, even though it should be off the charts.

On a scale from one to ten?

A four, but then a six when I wonder why it's so low.

JJ follows me to the bathroom, lazily pulling his hair out of his face as I turn the shower on. "How bad do you think it'll be?" He asks me as I strip out of my clothes.

"He's seventeen," I point out, trying to look for the good in the situation, but JJ doesn't seem entirely convinced as he joins me. I do my best to change the subject anyways. "Did you know Sarah and John B got married?"

"Huh?"

"Like not legally, but like..."

"How can you get married if it isn't legally?" JJ asks me, though he sounds slightly amused by his friends dedication to romance.

I bat my eyelashes, "they're married in their hearts, J," I coo, giggling when I can no longer stay in character. "I just think it means that they're prepared to stay together," I explain, "and I don't know... it's just sad now that..."

"Now that the rest of John B's life is starting to look like it'll be behind bars?"

"Don't say that," I murmur softly, "I can't handle the truth right now."

"My neither."

I can tell JJ's deep in thought as he lathers soap on his body, staring intently at the ground rather than the naked girl in front of him. "Hey," I try, tilting his head up to face me, "what's up?"

JJ's eyes shift to study my face, smiling softly when I get on my tip toes and tilt his head down to kiss his temple. "Do you think it's silly," JJ starts after a moment, "for Sarah to think she's found, like, the one so early in life?"

I shrug, and now it's my turn to stare off into nothingness. Was it unlikely? Probably. But it was Sarah and John B—they sorta made me believe that it was possible to fall in love in like 3 days. Either way, the way JJ's looking at me has me wondering what he's thinking about, as I know there's something in me that I can't even bring myself to justify. But I know... I know why I'm so keen to believe in young love. "No, I don't think it's silly," I say as I slowly turn back to face him.

"Me neither."

We both stare at each other for a moment before JJ leans in and kisses me, his tongue sliding against mine as I unhinge my jaw. His hand moved to hold the side of my face, the other pulling me as close to him as physics would allow. He kisses me, and I feel like oxygen doesn't matter so much now, like all I needed was to stay like this and all of my problems would disappear.

We spend the rest of our shower like this.

The strangest bit was that it wasn't sexual, like how you'd expect a make out session might be, it was almost... sweet. Like when you were younger and had no concept of sex and really thought the peak of intimacy was just 2 hours of kissing.

Honestly, we might've been onto something then.

I change into the only good clothes that I can find when we get out, walking down the hall to see that Kie was making everyone breakfast. "Figured it would take my mind off of things," she tells us breathlessly, Sarah already at the kitchen table staring blankly at her food.

JJ walks to stand over her, taking her fork full of food and lifting it to her mouth. "You're gunna feel like shit if you don't eat anything," he tells her.

"I already feel like shit," she mutters, but takes the forkful of food anyways.

"Well, did it work then?" I ask Kie as she reappears with more eggs and bacon and waffles and... pancakes? How much time did this girl have. I guess having your parents own a restaurant has you at a few advantages.

"Are you asking if I'm no longer thinking about how we're about to listen to our friend get sentenced for a crime he didn't commit? No, but it was worth a shot," she tells me.

I sit down next to Sarah, JJ on my other side. "I feel like I'm going to be sick," she tells me, "like when we saw Nick die: that type of sick."

I try to rub her back, taking my free hand and tucking her hair out of her face. "It's just an hour, and then we can go home and come up with a plan moving forward," I tell her, glancing over as I see Pope appear in the kitchen.

"It's just an hour," she echos, though everyone knows it's much more than just that.

But the thought of it being for the rest of our lives hurt a little too much right now.

**^**

When John B comes out to hear his sentence, everyone forgets to breathe for a moment, and I have to turn away as the orange jumpsuit makes it seem all too real now. I find Ward in the crowd, I see Rafe there too.

Neither of them even flinch when they hear John B getting sentenced to death.

I'm numb as I stumble outside, trying to grab JJ's hand in hopes that I'm helping in some way other than looking like an idiot. But as I go to find Sarah, I see my own brother is helping her stand, clearly noticing her struggle despite everyone else focusing on Kie as she begins to yell at Ward; Shoupe even getting involved.

"There's a reason why your daughters standing here with us," Kie tells Ward once the crowds begin to settle, but as everyone is still so focused on them, no one notices me, and the person who literally fucking pulls me into the woods.

"What the f—" I thrash against the other persons grip, finally turning around to see who was holding me hostage. "Rafe?"

"I just want to talk to you for a moment, alright?"

"I—No! Let me go."

"No, wait!"

I slowly stop struggling, turning to look him in the eye as they stare steadily into mine. "Rafe," I say, announcing every word as if I were talking to a dog or something, "Let. Go."

"I'm not a child, Lexi."

"Then stop acting like one."

"I-I'm not..." Rafe stammers for a second as his eyes drift, "I just wanted to know... what you were doing two nights ago. Were you... were you with..."

"Rafe..." I think for a moment, trying to find the right words to use; "I don't know what you're trying to get at here, I honestly don't. But I think you really need to get some help."

"Lexi."

"No. Rafe, look at yourself!"

"You're friends haven't noticed you're missing," is all Rafe says.

Fear threatens to numb the nerves in my hands once again, but all I can do is look him in the eye; "so? What are you going to do about that. You just watched someone else get sentenced to death because of the first person you killed, who would you blame it on this time?"

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just showing you how much they really care."

"Rafe. I will literally drive you to the god damn hospital, but this feeling you have in you? It isn't just going to go away," I explain, ignoring his attempts to 'show me' how I needed better friends. "It doesn't matter if you spend the rest of your life covering it up, your head will always remember what you did."

Rafe doesn't say anything, but actually loosens his grip on me a bit. "I feel like your the only one who understands me," he admits in a low voice.

I don't have time to respond, as he lets me go and I'm telling him to leave me alone as I walk out of the woods.

Laurie notices me first, calling out to the others as he leads me to his car.

"Lexi," I hear JJ call out to me, "where the fuck did you go?"

"Long story, I'll explain in a moment," I breathe out, glancing behind my back, "lets just get out of here."

I feel JJ lingering close as we get into the car, only half aware of the fact that it was Laurie who was driving us home. I sit in silence, ignoring JJ repeatedly ask me what happened. I brush him off until I can't anymore; "it was Rafe, okay? He wanted to talk or some shit but I'm fine. Just a little shaken up."

JJ's eyes widen, and he leans back in his seat before looking at the others to see their reactions, but it was my brother who speaks up. "What did he say, exactly?"

"I-I don't even know he sorta just rambled," I tell him, "I'm not sure if he had a point."

"The screws have come loose in that guys head," Laurie mutters, driving over the bridge to tell us we're in the cut, "do you need me to grab anything, Lex?"

I sit there, staring at the back of the seat as anger suddenly hits me like a sucker punch to the gut. "Are you still going to see them?"

"See, who?"

"Rafe. Are you still going to go over to Ward Camerons house when you know damn well who really killed Peterkin?" I ask, my voice as even as I can make it without raising it.

"Who says I know who really killed Peterkin?"

Our eyes lock in the rear view mirror, though his seem to be filled with amusement whereas mine were boarding on disgust. "Ward killed his pilot," I add in a lower voice, "cause he knew too much."

"How do you know that?"

"I saw it."

Everyone else in the car was silent now, watching to see why I was telling him this—because JJ was the only other person who really knew why. Laurie finally breaks eye contact with me, going back to shifting his gaze somewhere else. "Well, I've barely spoken to the Camerons," Laurie tells me simply, causing me to roll my eyes. "Seriously? You're going to get all high and mighty when JJ's sitting right next to you?"

"What the fuck are you on about?"

Laurie glances over to JJ; "so you didn't tell her?"

"Tell me what."

I'm only partially aware of the fact that we're now home, but it does allow Laurie to turn fully when he parks the car. "Nick Paris."

"You really believe that bullshit Rafe told you?"

"Yea, I do, just like how I believe you when you say that John B didn't kill Peterkin. I'm not taking a side, I'm just... believing what I believe."

I shake my head slowly; "you know, for the first time in my life I can say that you're fucking up more than I am."

"I'm not taking Rafe Camerons side, and I don't want him near you—"

"—but you can go near him? You aren't fucking invincible Laurie, at some point your either going to have to leave or join them, you can't stay neutral on this forever!"

"Why not!"

"Why not? Because you're dealing with killers Laurie!"

"So are you."

"That's different and you know it is," I snap, "but you wanna be a fucking cunt about it, go right ahead."

I open the door, prompting the others to get out of the car as well. "I don't know what you want me to do, Lex," Laurie calls out to me as I start to walk away.

"I don't know either Laurie! But right now it's starting to feel like you're on the other side."

"I'm not," he tells me, stepping closer so that he doesn't have to raise his voice, "I'm just... figuring my shit out."

I watch his expression fall as he seems to be distraught by his own thoughts, and my expression softens as well when I recognize the feeling in myself; my anger dying with it. "Same. But I know this," I tell him, "and I need you to trust me on this one."

He thinks for a moment before responding, "and I will, you just gotta give me some time."

Chapter Text

**LAURIE**

"So... how is she?"

I don't speak right away, listening to the squeak of the wiper as it continues to dance back and forth across the glass, to the hum of the car's engine as Ward sits in the passenger seat.

"Sarah's about as well as you'd expect her to be," I finally decide on going with, glancing down at my phone as I see a text message light up the screen.

"Do you need to respond to that? Is that her now?" Ward asks, his words both desperate and slow like he's trying to decide which direction to go in.

"No," I say, "it's my sister. Probably thanking me for driving her and her friends home."

She most definitely wasn't, but for some reason it felt like a bad idea to tell Ward about the conversation I had with her not even an hour ago.

"I'm glad you agreed to reach out to Sarah. You have... no idea what this means to me."

"She's hysteric, Ward. It was the right thing to do."

"It'll correct itself over time," he assures me... or assures himself. Either way, he senses my doubt, "why wouldn't it?"

"I don't know, Ward. I'm just saying that I didn't do it because you asked," I tell him. "And I'm not going to intervene between the conflict she has going on with you."

"Once that boy is out of the way..."

"She was ready to die for that boy," I remind him, anger pricking my skin, "that doesn't just go away."

It's Ward's turn to be silent now, watching the windshield wipers as they sense the rain as it starts to fall; beginning to move back and forth across our vision. "You're upset," Ward notes.

"You're acting like a child."

He snaps his head towards me, some form of shock flashing across his expression. "I'm not the child, Laurie."

My point in case, I want to say; but I hold my tongue. I've gotten quite good at doing that. "Look, why don't you come over for dinner—I'm sure Rafe will be more then willing to catch up with you," Ward says, clearly not willing to keep talking about Sarah.

I agree before really thinking about it, but as we drive back I partly wish I had declined. I finally look down at the text message Lexi had sent me when we stop on a red.

>Tell me when you're ready to pick a side. We could use ur help.

I read the words over twice, a thing I always did. It was stupid, but I always thought something bad would happen if I didn't.

I did it with everything: billboards, test questions, every sentence I write in an essay... it drives me insane that I waste so much time on it but I've stopped trying to break the habit at this point. Regardless, I don't respond to her, and turn my phone off to watch the rain hit the windows of the car.

"Do you think Sarah will come around?" Ward asks me as we pull into his driveway.

"If what you've told me is true, I can see no reason why she wouldn't."

"And you believe me?"

"It doesn't matter what I believe," I tell him, keeping my eyes in front of me, "this is about Sarah, no?"

"Y-you believe me, though. Right?"

I furrow my brow as I turn to him, his expression so jarringly vulnerable it actually scares me a bit. He needed this, he needed to think I believed him—that he could at least have me like this. My expression softens, but my mind does not.

"Yes. I believe you," I tell him, watching him as he let's out the shaky breath I guess he had been holding.

He stops me as I go to get out of the car, nervously glancing around before kissing me on the mouth. I jump back in surprise, pulling away a little awkwardly as I search his eyes for an explanation. "Sorry, erm, I just wanted..." he trails off, his eyes shifting past me in anxiety. I find my answer; right there in how he still clung to my shirt, a fistful of material in his hand, in how his mouth drops open when I lean in again and kiss him properly. "I need you to believe me," Ward finally finishes as we part, "because I've grown fond of having you around again."

I blink, giving him a small smile; enough for him to let go of my shirt and relax a bit. I glance down at my phone again, and though I don't check my messages again I think back to what Lexi had said. There was no doubt in my mind that this family was to blame for all of this, not John B, but I can't seem to let go of this idea of Ward Cameron that has me keep coming back.

We head to the front door, my thoughts running through my mind too fast for me to do anything else but follow him inside. Thankfully, it isn't just Rafe in the kitchen, but Wheezie as well.

"Hey kid," I grin, as she's the first to notice me.

"Hi Laurie."

"Laurie?" Rafe turns to find me, "what are you doing here."

"Your dad let me in, asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner."

"Yes, that'd—that'd be good," Rafe quickly nods once, "you were at the trial today, right?"

"Yea. Lexi said you tried to talk to her."

I'm actually surprised by how easily I confront him, and apparently, so is he as he freezes for a moment before giving me a sheepish smile; "yea, I did."

"You scared the shit out of her."

"It wasn't my intent."

I still, making sure my movements are slow enough for me to make my point clear. "You dragged her out into the woods. Rafe."

I hear a gasp, turning away from Rafe's unreadable expression to see Rose turned away; preparing dinner with a hand over her mouth—clearly still listening in. "Rafe," Ward speaks up, "is this true?"

"I just, I just wanted to talk, and like, I know they wouldn't let me go near her..."

"I wonder why," I sigh, shaking my head, before giving in; "just, don't do that again, man."

"I love her."

This time, Wheezie is the one who reacts, clearly still a child in terms of being in love with the idea of love, covering her grin with her phone. I, on the other, scoff; "you, what now?"

"I—"

"—No I heard you, I just don't understand."

"It's... well it's complicated," Rafe tries to explain.

"Right, and well, does Lexi know its... complicated?"

"Alright, fuck off man. I was trying to be honest with you, but whatever."

"I..." I glance around, honestly shocked he'd be so open in front of his entire family and... me? Where was all of this coming from.

The drugs were the only answer I could come up with once I take in his appearance. His eyes are wide as he looks at me, and he speaks without really knowing what he's saying. "Rafe... I'm just going to tell you once. Dragging a girl out into the woods isn't going to leave a romantic impression."

And I'll fucking loose my shit if you go near her again.

I expect Rafe to say more, but he only nods; "yea, I wasn't thinking."

"Dinners ready!"

I glance over at Rose as she nervously calls out to us, and Ward gestures for us all to sit down at the table. I follow, half aware of the fact that with Rafe on one side, and Wheezie on the other, I look a little bit like Sarahs replacement. I try to push that thought away, and instead complement Rose on her cooking and make small talk with Wheezie.

"Did you hear my sister is alive?" Wheezie asks me, causing the entire table to fall silent.

"I did," I tell her, "you must be happy."

She nods, grinning into her plate of food. "She doesn't want to stay with us, though."

I can hear her emotions falter slightly, and so I try my best to reassure her; "she might just have to take some time to think, you know? Surviving a hurricane is not a small thing, I'm sure she has a lot on her mind."

I make a conscious effort to leave out John B.

"You think so?"

I nod, smiling when she looks up at me, "she even told me how much she missed you," I tell her, nudging her with my elbow.

"Really?"

I nod, noticing how Ward has stopped eating to watch, Rafe stiffening from next to me. But... I really could care less, I didn't care for their approval.

I didn't.

I don't outwardly express the realization that suddenly dawns on me, but I feel it hit me nonetheless. It wasn't the powerful feeling I got when I was with Ward that I liked... it was the approval.

I suddenly feel nauseous, swallowing the last pieces of my food before politely excusing myself to the bathroom, texting Lexi on the way.

I actually have to sit on the bathroom floor for a minute, and count the marble tiles that line the surface over and over again to try and calm down. I was always calm, I could always hold my tongue—everyone liked me. I tug on my hair, trying to make sense of it all as my thoughts start spiralling out of control.

One, two, three, four, five...

The tiles beg me to count them.

Six, seven, eight, nine... what happens if I stop?

What happens if I just walk out of here now, and tell Rafe to stay away from my sister. What if I never speak to Ward Cameron again?

I swallow hard when I see that my sister has responded, happy that I'm willing to help her with John B's case, and that helps a bit. I was still needed, I was still wanted and in control—even if I don't have everyone's approval.

It's fine, I already don't have my dads; my moms doesn't mean much at this point anymore, though she is getting more lucid with every day my dad gets worse.

Am I still in control?

I close my eyes so that I don't look at the tiles, ignoring the anxiety that proceeds to crawl at my skin. I bite down on the palm of my hand, like how Ward would when I was fucking him.

I take a shaky breath, and suddenly I'm standing again, remembering that I can still have a place in all of this—that I just have to pick a side.

Rafe was unstable, and if I had any loyalty left to him then I'd do what's best for him and get him away from his father. I suddenly don't like the feelings I get when I think of Ward now, like I'm the dirty mistress he's willing to keep around. But I know I still have one thing on him, and that is that I have everything on him.

I still had all the power.

I wash my hands, the feelings subdued enough for me to act someone natural once again—and I'm walking out just as someone knocks on the door.

It was Ward.

"Sorry... erm... just making sure you were all good," he tells me.

"My sister called," I explain, which is not exactly far from the truth, "I was just making sure she was alright."

"You were good with Wheezie tonight, y'know. That was good to see," he continues on, "it was nice having you for dinner."

"Well, Rose did a good job," I say, smiling as I half-notice him get a little closer.

"You know she's going to be gone tonight?"

I watch him closely, noticing how he looks past me, noticing how he steadies his hands by shoving them into his pockets. I knew I could just leave, I already had proof Ward Cameron had given me evidence taken from the Chateau, and even if there was more from where that came from, I didn't need to find it.

But I wanted to, and I wanted to do the absolute best I could. I deserved that much—the satisfaction at least.

"Are you asking me to your bedroom, Ward?"

"Rafe's going to go over to Barry's, just wants to say bye to you first," he tells me, "and Wheezie's staying at a friends house."

I sigh slowly, watching how he's already fidgeting now as we sit there, talking like two civilized adults. I respond by kissing him, letting him sit there unmoved as he waits for more while I pull away.

"Let me say bye to Rafe."

I glance back as I walk downstairs, seeing that he still stayed exactly where he was.

**^**

I sit on the dock after, alone, smoking a blunt.

Or at least I thought I was alone.

"I thought you didn't smoke weed."

I nearly jump out of my skin as I turn and see Wheezie, moving to sit down next to me. "I know my dad told you I was at a sleepover, but they cancelled on me last second because of what's happening with my sister."

"Oh." I know my voice is too high to sound natural, but I'm even more surprised when Wheezie asks for a hit. "You're a little young," I point out.

"Why were you home alone with my dad?"

I stay silent, not really knowing what else to say as I take another hit. "I don't usually smoke," I tell her, "but I will occasionally."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I don't think it'd be right to tell you," I finally say, turning over to look at her; "and I'm not overly proud of it, either."

"I'm invisible in this house," she tells me, "but it lets me notice things that others don't notice. Laurie—"

Her voice breaks off, and it hits me then, that she was crying. I freeze as I see her wipe the side of her face; "Wheezie. I am so sorry if you saw something, and I know what I did was wrong, and I had no right to get involved in family matters—"

"—Does he make you do it?"

"What?"

"M-my brother is already quite possibly a... a murderer," she stutters out, "and n-now I know m-my dad likes minors and I... I want to know how bad it is..."

I'm taken aback by her response, but I feel a bit better knowing that I wasn't directly responsible for her tears, however involved I was.

"It's not like that, don't worry, okay?" I tell her, and it felt weird to hug her at first, but she turns into my embrace and accepts the comfort gratefully. "It's more complicated than what it looks like."

"You didn't look like you wanted to do it," she finally says, "I saw you two talking outside the bathroom, I mean, I had sorta known for a bit now... he always speaks so highly of you and sometimes I hear bits of conversation... but you didn't look happy when you kissed him..."

I already hated PDA, so it was bad enough I had to hear someone had seen me kiss someone, but that someone's father? I grimace aloud, apologizing despite her telling me it didn't bother her.

"No. It's not okay," I tell her.

"Rose isn't my mom," Wheezie says, "maybe if it were her I'd feel different, but... that's not what bothers me."

"And what about the, uh..."

"I don't care if my dad likes guys, I care if my dad likes guys my sisters age. Oh my God... I always wondered why you never dated my sister," Wheezie suddenly realizes, laughing at the thought.

"Well, I um... I do still like girls, but it would be weird to date your sister," I finally say.

"Oh. My dad always said guys who say they like both are usually still in denial."

"Well, your dad might just be speaking from experience on that one, but that is a common conception, it's just... not always right," I tell her, "not that it matters," I quickly add.

"No, it does," Wheezie tells me, "it must get annoying, having everyone talk about what is and isn't possible for you."

"Why do you think I don't tell anyone?"

"You told me."

"I don't want to be another person that doesn't tell you anything," I say, "you deserve more than that."

"Are you going to stop seeing my dad?"

"At some point, yes. I just need to figure some stuff out first."

"And when you do, you'll probably stop talking to Rafe too? I know," she says when I give her a look, "I know what he did, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that either I just... he's my family."

"My family isn't very good either, me and my sister only really have each other," I tell her.

"I wish I had mine." She sits in silence for a moment, "could you, still talk to me? Even after you sort things out?"

I nod, wishing I could be a better person and not have put her through the additional stress, but knowing that this was the best I could do.

I don't think of what will happen to her if John B walks free and the truth is revealed.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"I'm going to testify, under oath," Sarah tells us, "I was there! I just need to get ahold of my sister."

"Sister," JJ mutters under his breath, as if he doesn't believe her.

I check to see if Laurie had responded to me with no luck, turning my phone over in an attempt to push the conversation we had from my mind. I glance over at Kie as Sarah asks to borrow her phone, turning to watch Sarah as she tries to make a plan. "Wheezie is the only other person that knows Rafe wasn't home that day," she tries to explain.

"Wheezie?"

"JJ," I sigh as I sense the aggression in his tone, "please."

"Look, I got us into this mess, I'm going to do my best to get us out of it," Sarah tells JJ.

"Wheezie?" JJ repeats, "yea that will work."

By now Sarah knew what that tone meant with JJ, and understood that all she could do was leave the room at that point.

While all I can do is close my eyes.

"Well she is right about one thing, we have to do something," JJ says as Sarah leaves. I swallow hard, listening to JJ as he rambles without making much sense—like he's disconnected reality with the situation at hand. I had almost forgotten what he sounded like when he got like this, and I can't help but be overwhelmed by the memories of what happens when he's been like this before.

"What's the plan then?" Kie exclaims as JJ goes on about enemy lines; "we kidnap Shoupe?"

"Maybe, like, that's not the worst idea actually," JJ fires back.

"Oh it's not?"

"No!"

"JJ," I cut in, "it actually is. How the fuck would that solve any of our problems?"

"Yea, that is actually one of the worst ideas I've ever heard," Pope tells him, Sarah agreeing from the other room.

"You know what, please just stay out of this," JJ snaps at Sarah.

"JJ, please—she's trying to get in contact with her sister," I tell him, cutting him off every time he'd go to say some snide remark in response. "Hey!" I finally snap, "would you just take a moment to think about what your saying?"

"Oh for fucks sakes, Lexi," JJ exclaims, standing up as he does so, "sue me for thinking out loud! At least I'm contributing. What are you doing to help?" He clearly expects me to respond, but I only stare at him, watching his chest rise and fall rapidly as he begins to get frustrated with my silence. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

I glance over at the rest of them, as even Sarah has peaked her head out onto the porch. All of them; waiting. Waiting for a repeat of the van.

"Please think before you speak, JJ," I finally say again, thought it doesn't sound as strong as I'd like it to; "I can't handle..."

"What?"

"Do you blame her," Sarah cuts in, anger laced in her voice as she can't quite believe how he couldn't see why I was suddenly so quiet, JJ turning to her with his arms raised in confusion. "She doesn't want you to snap at her," Sarah explains, annunciating each work to make her point clear, "you know, like you do."

"Snap? I..." He slowly turns back to me, a flash of emotion betraying him before he shakes his head; "I wasn't going to... say anything."

"You wouldn't know until after you've said it if you did," I say, still not willing to raise my voice despite JJ's expression dropping.

He only notices now how everyone is watching him, all of them thinking the same things I've spoken out loud. "I wasn't going to snap," he tells me, guilt more prominent in the lines of his brow now, in his jaw that seems to bear most of the emotion. "I wasn't..."

JJ runs his hands through his hair, looking down so that he no longer had to meet anyone in the eye. "Look, Pope," JJ says, changing the conversation, "we've been doing everything your way, and hows that been working out?"

"Okay, okay, so what's your plan?" Pope asks, standing as he too has begun to let his anger flow from him, "you're going to storm a jail, guns a-blazing?"

I shake my head from where I sit, wishing I could do more than watch JJ as he can't help but get mad at whoever he talks to, no matter if they're trying to get him to see reason. "No. Fine, man," JJ says, after Pope tries to point out how he can't just storm a jail, "sit in your comfy chair. Do nothing. I'm going to see what I can do, make something happen." I see him look at me. "Even if I have to do it myself," he adds before storming out into the rain.

Rain. When did it start raining?

"Okay," Kiara says as he leaves, clearly not sure what else to do.

"Should we be worried?"

"Yea, for sure," Kie tells Pope before looking to me; "can't you like, calm him down or something?"

"I'm not his therapist," I tell her, resting my head in my hand, "and as much as I wish I could help him with his temper—he has to come to that realization on his own."

We aren't THAT couple.

"Look, I'm going to hit up my parents; see if I can get money for a lawyer," Kie tells us, reminding Pope that justice costs money when he points out that John B has a public defender.

"You're right. So I'm going to dig hard into anything I can find about this key," Pope tells her, "whatever's on this tape can exonerate John B."

I glance down as I feel my phone buzz, Laurie's text lighting up the screen.

    >What would you need from Ward?

"What is it?"

I turn to Pope as I realize he caught my expression; "maybe another lead?" I tell him while typing out a response.

    >Something that could prove Rafe wasn't at the house that day, or literally anything that could prove Ward is shady.

"What type of lead?" I hear Kie ask, causing me to briefly look up from my phone.

"Don't know yet," I tell her, "but I'll let you know when I do."

    >Laurie, just don't do anything that could put you in danger. You have to start thinking of Ward as a scary dude.

I glance up from my phone, and instantly want to gouge my eyes out as I'm met with Kie quickly removing Popes hand from her waist as he had begun to lean in for a kiss, my body physically cringing as I watch quite possibly one of the most uncomfortable encounters between the two. I turn away as if I had just seen them both naked, trying to tune Kie out when she tells him they'll talk about it later.

    >No need to worry about me, Lex. You forget my irresistible charm.

Now, to top it all off I'm trying to cover my laughter as Laurie's comment did it for some reason to me, and I move to the other room to give them space and so that I can get away from whatever I had just witnessed.

At least while everyone has something to do, I can try to track down JJ, I think to myself—praying he hasn't done something stupid already.

**^**

I ask Laurie to pick me up sometime after dinner, with Pope, Kie, and Sarah all gone on leads of their own.

"Where to?" Laurie asks when I get into the car.

"Not sure yet," I tell him, "where would you go if you were planning a jailbreak?"

"Probably to the jail?"

"Fair point," I say, pondering it for a moment before turning to him; "how many jails does this place have?"

"Are we breaking John B out of jail?"

"Of course not, that'd be ridiculous." It takes me a second to realize Laurie is still waiting for a further explanation, and so I begrudgingly explain why I have to get a drive to Killdares County Jail.

"Ah, so you aren't the idiot, your boyfriend is," Laurie concludes.

"He isn't an idiot," I defend as we pull out, "he's just... passionate."

Laurie scoffs in laughter, shaking his head before decided against saying more. 

We drive more or less in silence for the better half of the car ride, Laurie only speaking up to pass me some file when he remembers he had it. "Ward gave it to me," he explains, "has a bunch of shit about Nick being connected to some 'Royal merchant' thing, or whatever John B's dad was apart of."

"Ward was apart of it too. He worked with John B's dad until he killed him."

"So, he must've erased any evidence of his involvement when the police went through the Chateau; he told me he got it directly from the crime scene, just picked it up."

"What?" I turn to look at him, "are you saying that he might have more files like this?"

"Probably, unless he destroyed them, but what I wanted to tell you was that I could keep looking," Laurie tells me. "Look," he adds when he catches my nervous expression, "I know you see him as this corporate killer... but I don't. I've got a pretty good handle on him, Lex, and as bad as it sounds, I almost feel like the one who's taking advantage here."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I think shit happened when he was younger and maybe more open with himself about who he was, and I think now that he's older it's like his Achilles heel. Something he's never been able to overcome."

"Just because Ward couldn't come out of the closet as a child doesn't mean you're taking advantage of him," I reply, "don't burden yourself with that."

"I burden myself with everything, Lexi. Why should it matter what it is."

We stop in front of the jail, part of me happy that I can finally breathe when I notice how it still runs normally—no trace's of whatever JJ was planning to be seen.

"I'll hang around until you find him," Laurie tells me as I get out, noticing that the rain had cleared and the last of the sun was warming the early autumn air.

Fuck this weather was weird, I never did get used to it in the summer.

"What are you doing," I mutter under my breath as I spot his bike, cautiously making my way up through the front doors to see if I could get some answers. Yet, I don't quite make it there, as I can't help but notice the group of prisoners playing basketball in the fenced off courtyard.

Had JJ noticed?

I doubt it, as they seem to be just starting their game now. Either way, my eyes are fixed on Luke Maybanks as he runs around with the others, stopping short when he notices me.

I look away, doubting he would even remembered who I was before I hear him call out to me.

I turn back, surprised by how close he could get to my side of the fence as he steps away from his game for a moment. "Lexi, isn't it?"

"Yea, that's me. How are you... doing mr. Maybank."

It feels like we're breaking a rule by talking this way, but the guard seems preoccupied by something else at the moment and so they don't notice.

"I thought I told you to call me Luke."

So he did remember that part of the conversation, I realize. "Of course, Luke."

"Atta girl."

I give him a small smile, trying to stop myself from comparing Luke to JJ, as it only makes comments like that feel a little weird.

"So, is my son going to be joining me in here?"

"Wha—oh, no. I'm visiting John B."

"Right, I forgot about that," Luke chuckles, "the others can't stop talking about it, y'know?"

"Well, here in the outside world people are more or less the same."

For a moment I think the conversation is more or less done, but just as I'm about to say goodbye he speaks up again. "Y'know, I was just thinking about you the other day, Lexi, ain't that crazy? You see uh, as apart of my 'rehabilitation' plan I've gotta go into the hospital to get all sorts of tests done; talk to someone about drinking and all that. But I was walking through one day and I see this woman who kinda looked like you," he tells me. "Didn't think much of it, but as we got to talking, it hit me who she reminded me of."

I laugh nervously; "would you be talking about my mom?"

"She's a very interesting woman."

I glance around as if she'd pop up behind me, noticing how some of the other inmates had now come over to see who he's talking to, showing an interest in how Luke knew the girl who didn't have clothes to change into, and so was walking around in the same ones she had worn to court. "This is my kids girlfriend," he tells them when they ask, and I realize their is actually pride in his expression. "Lexi."

I wave and give a tight smile, something in the way he gestures to me feeling almost like he was showing me off; as if JJ had brought home a good art project or did well on a test. I'm partly thankful when the guard finally notices them and tells them to get back to the court, giving me the opportunity to move on.

It takes me a minute before I get the confidence to walk inside, greeting the man working at the front desk with a high pitched "hello," which has me clearing my throat when I hear the state my voice is in. "Erm, sorry—this is a bit of an odd question, but you didn't have to see a blond guy walk in here to see someone, around my age?"

His entire expression changes to show a very distinct look of irritation—but as it turns out, he doesn't even have to speak as I hear JJ's voice from down the hall; "thank you," I tell the man, despite him never actually opening his mouth, and I walk outside to meet JJ when he comes out.

He emerges a second later, storming out with a female officer I had seen around; "I just have one question before I leave," JJ says, not noticing me yet as I lean up against the side of the building. "How much are you splitting with Shoupe."

She shoves him, and he stumbles more out of surprise than anything else. "You'll be back here one day," she tells him, clearly unable to help herself; "it's in your blood."

I step up behind her, a fury begging to be released as I can't help but notice JJ's expression fall. He notices me a second before the officer does, a sharp yelp escaping her as the officer turns around and actually jumps back in fright.  "What's the matter? I thought composure was meant to be apart of the job description," I say, pushing past her so that I can get to JJ. "But I guess it's also in your job description to be a bitch."

"C'mon," I grumble when I reach him, "let's go."

I hook my arm around his bicep, pulling him close as we walk away. "Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid," I say as we walk to his bike.

"Don't worry about it, princess."

I could tell he was upset, I could tell just in the way he drove us back to my place, but as we walk through the front doors I don't know how to bring it up.

"Laurie said he'd help us," I tell him.

"About time."

I close my mouth, realizing how he was going to be. "That lady was a real cunt," I try.

"Yea, she's a cop. What else is new."

I roll my eyes; "JJ, I—"

"—Why did you think I was going to snap at you?" JJ cuts in, turning to look at me fully now.

"Because you were lashing out at everyone... and I'm a fairly easy target."

"You... you really think I'd pick on you like that?"

"I don't know, JJ. You were talking about breaking into a jail, and I know when you get unreasonable when your mad you just... don't think," I tell him, my voice raising ever so slightly as emotions threaten my voice. "You are, the most thoughtful person at times JJ, but when you got mad that day..."

"I know. Trust me Lex, I know. I only wish you'd trust me to not hurt you like that, again. No matter how angry I get." He runs his hands through his hair as he takes his hat off, stepping closer to me as I try to find a way to explain to him how it wasn't so simple. "You think I didn't see everyone else in that room? Waiting for me to start like I was some abusive boyfriend—"

"—you saw them after I said something."

"What?"

"You only noticed them after I told you to slow down," I explain again, "because you get on a train of thought and just fucking go, not bothering to notice where it's taking you."

"Well I'm trying to notice," JJ tells me.

"I know."

"Then fucking trust me!"

"I can't! I can't just follow blindly and then get upset if I get hurt again!" Now I was getting mad too, "you think I want our friends to get nervous whenever you raise your voice at me? I want to be able to talk to you! But I can't do that if I'm worried you'll bring a gun to a knife fight."

I watch how JJ sets his jaw, and there's a moment where the only thing I can hear is our breath filling the room; panting from raising our voices.

And then his lips are on mine, slamming into me with such force I feel my back hit the wall, his hands holding the sides of my face. I let out a gasp, feeling his strength as I can't even shift to adjust my position, like he had clamped me to the wall.

He tentatively pulls back, just enough to look me in the eye and read my expression, clearly satisfied with what he's met with as he grinds into me, kissing me again with his one hand dropping to hold my hips flesh to the wall.

"You're going to use your words, aren't you? You'll tell me to stop?" JJ asks.

I quickly nod, a soft 'yes' on my lips, which I repeat over and over again as he kisses my neck, his teeth snagging the skin as he pulls away.

"Get on your knees for me," he tells me, pushing me down as he speaks, my head tilting up as I make sure to keep my gaze locked with his. He free's his cock from his pants, already hard, my mouth falling open as I try to clue him in on what I want.

He grins wickedly, pushing my head so that it's flush to the wall, "want me to fuck your face?" He asks as I keep my mouth open, my eyes trained on him as he slides himself down my throat. "Tap twice to stop," he murmurs as he begins to move, a low moan escaping me as he slowly sinks deeper and deeper as he gets bolder.

I focus on pressing my tongue up whenever he pulls out, on keeping my eyes on him as he watches me with a growing satisfaction on his face.

"Oh my God," he breathes out, his hand making a fist by his side as he begins to loose control as he now relentlessly drive into me, his eyes shifting between my face and the hand that rests on his thigh—waiting for the signal to stop.

But little does he know I had built up a great deal of resilience from the few years I'd purge most of the meals I'd eat, to the point where I stopped being able to throw up on my own.

His pace slows slightly, a small gasp escaping him before he's pulling back and yanking me to my feet. His thumb drags along my bottom lip as spit runs down my chin, roughly wiping it away before kissing me on the mouth; his touch laced with fire and passion and something sharp that breaks my skin. His teeth.

"Should I fuck you right here?" He asks me between kisses, rolling his hips into me as he does so with a groan as I dip my head down to find his neck. It gives him a chance to look around, and I hear him open the bathroom door that stood next to me, and I let him lead me inside. I tug on the ends of his shirt so that he gets the idea and helps me take it off.

"Your turn," he practically moans in a low voice, his voice rattling in my ear as he hastily strips my clothes off of me, spinning me around so that I was facing the bathroom mirror.

Ah—the mirror. We meet again.

I whimper, which is actually a little humiliating given that he hadn't even touched me yet, that the most he's done is gotten me in my underwear and I've already soaked through them. "What's the matter baby?" He teases, his two hands finding their place on either side of my ass and sinking his fingers into the flesh; "do you want me to touch you?"

I nod thoughtlessly, causing him to bring his hand down on my ass with a harsh smack. "I need to hear that pretty voice of yours," he tells me.

I take a shaky breath as I watch my reflection, my hair disheveled from him grabbing it while I sucked up him, my eyes red from having his dick repetitively rammed down my throat. "Yes," I say as I take in my tousled appearance, "please touch me."

Something about the way he pulls my panties down with his teeth, the way I feel his mouth grazing my skin, has me lurching forward with a groan, every part of my body that wishes to seek reason dissolves with my dignity. But when he finally does slip his fingers between my legs, everything feels worth it, his dark laughter in my ear as he catches my expression through the mirror.

Our eyes lock, and I plead for him to fuck me.

But I don't expect him to enter with such force, and I'm clawing at the sleek surface of the countertop in hope's that I can find something to grab onto with no luck as he begins slamming into me; again and again.

It suffocates me—stuck mid-gasp with no ability to fill my lungs with air, while nothing is physically stopping me from doing so. It results in this sort of wheezing sound coming from the back of my throat, every ounce of emotion JJ has previous expressed now found in every thrust, and he's muttering words under his breath that I can't quite catch until he's leaning forward.

"So fucking perfect for me," he practically seethes, "fuck, you're so good, oh fuck, fuck, fuck..." he swears with every stroke, his hips slamming into my backside with enough force that he needs to steady me with his hands. But he only uses that to his advantage, driving down instead of just into me in such a way that has my knees buckling.

It encourages him to reach his hand around my front and give me something to rub against, his teeth digging into the small of my shoulder before slowly up the path to my neck. I don't notice it at first, but I catch his eye right as I realize I'm going to cum, his hand making sure to keep my head up to watch him as my mouth falls open. Every part of me wants to scream, yet no sound escapes me as his fingers begin to move at a rapid pace the second I begin to seize, my body going rigid for a good 10 seconds before I can even begin to come down. He coaxes me through it, slowing, but not easing up on me, as he still bottoms out every time with a harsh slam.

It causes me to cry out, audibly this time, as my entire body begins to pulse and shake against his hold. He leans back, watching my backside as I do so, and I realize what exactly has his attention. When he meets my gaze again, he's grinning as he notes the blush on my cheeks. "You gunna let me touch you here too?" He asks, his two fingers extending to graze my asshole as it continues to quiver and he continues to pound into me.

I nod weakly, "yea. All. Yours. I'm. All. Yours."

His hand comes up, and he lets his thumb sink in between my lips before sliding into my other hole.

We both freeze for a solid second, which feels like eternity in such a position, a whimper escaping me as JJ actually gasps from the feeling and falters forward—stumbling to regain his control.

I slam my eyes shut, as let me just say, coming from a girl who only really figured out how to say no recently, it wasn't exactly like I was TOTALLY inexperienced to this sort of thing. But, it was never something I'd have considered to be a desire of mine because it's never been something that felt very good.

This, however, actually had my eyes rolling back as he picks up the pace again, his other hand beginning to work on my clit as he leans forward. A sob rattles the back of my throat as his thumb presses down from inside of me, making it feel like everything is suddenly so much tighter. "C'mon, I wanna feel you cum again," he whispers in my ear, the pressure making me feel all dizzy and I've got no thoughts left in my brain.

You could see it in my eyes.

8 strokes—I actually count them. 8 strokes before my vision whites out and pleasure mercilessly rips through me, burning my insides until there's nothing left to give.

All I can focus on is how JJ begins to frantically snap his hips into me as I convulse around him, his voice high as he says my name, over and over again. His voice is high and strung out and he's suddenly jerking forward as I watch his mouth fall open and his eyes flutter. I swear I can feel his cock pulsing in me as he cums, his final few thrusts so deep I whine. "Oh fuck princess," he finally manages to grunt out, pressing slopping kisses up my spine, "ohhh fuck."

He lets out a shaky laugh, slowly helping me stand up straight as he pulls out of me. I take a deep breath, and realize it was the first time I could actually get a proper amount of air into my lungs.

It makes me giggle, as I feel like one of those kids who had just chugged a big drink and forgotten to breathe, and so they're gasping for air when they finally realize. "So," I say after a moment, turning so that I don't have to just look at JJ's reflection but see him for all he is; his hair matted to his neck and sticking up on odd angles. "Butt stuff?"

JJ snickers, biting his top lip in hopes to stifle some of his delight in the matter with little success as his eyes give it away.

"Okay, hear me out," JJ insists when I begin to shake my head, "hear me out! In the moment? In the moment, it was a tempting thought."

"Yea?"

"You didn't seem to mind," JJ points out, mimicking some noise I made to my great embarrassment and causing me to groan in an attempt to tune him out.

"Fuck off!" I exclaim, repeating myself when he doesn't stop right away and I slam my hand over his mouth. "Alright," I admit once I take some time to think, "it wasn't... the worst thing in the word."

JJ grins openly now as I let my hand fall, kissing me on the mouth as he pulls me into his chest. "You're funny," he chuckles, kissing me a few more times before settling on just holding me close.

"My funny girl."

Chapter Text

**JJ**

There was a moment where I was worried we'd start fighting again, but after getting dressed, we just sorta... talk.

And the craziest bit was that I actually spoke up first. "I know it'll take more time," I had blurted out as she fixed her top. "I know... I know it's not fair of me, I just wish things were different."

I watch her eyes snap up to look at the back wall, surprised that I've spoken up. "Me too," she tells me after my words resonate with her.

She turns to look at me, "but that doesn't mean I'd rather be anywhere else but with you."

"I'm sorry for taking it all out on everyone." For always taking it out on everyone—even when I don't know why. "I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

"I know... my first reaction to these sorts of things aren't particularly useful," she admits, "I know it's hard to just watch me sit there when everyone else is clearly panicking—"

"—don't apologize for that," I tell her.

"I feel bad."

I step towards her, wrapping my arms around her waist as I kiss her forehead; "why?"

Lexi shrugs, furrowing her brow when she can't come up with an answer. "I don't know," she says, "maybe it's more embarrassing than anything."

"Maybe you need to stop apologizing for everything that isn't... how did you put it? Daddy issues and a high sex drive?"

She lets out a dry laugh, letting me kiss her when she lifts her head, but when I pull away I'm met with the tears in her eyes. "H-Hey, what's wrong?" I quickly ask, shaking my head when she tries to brush me off.

"It's nothing," she insists, "I love you, that's all."

"W-what?"

"I love you." Her voice breaks, "I love you and... it's just so much to feel." She laughs through her tears, making me smile as well. "I just... can you promise me one thing?"

"Of course, princess."

She raises her hand, resting it on my heart as I stand between her legs. "You remember how Sarah and John B got married, and it was all cheesy and didn't make any sense?" She asks me.

I nod, causing her to look down; "I... just need that blind sorta faith, because I... I-I love you. I really—"

"—h-hey," I cut in, "yes, I'm with you, okay? I'm with you tomorrow, and if you want me five, 10 years from now too." I kiss her, continuing to assure her I meant what I said. But it was only when I meet her eye that it hits me—how hopelessly devoted I was to a girl I hadn't even known before the summer break. I was with her, and I really did want it to stay that way for the rest of my life. Jesus, even saying it sounds crazy.

"JJ..."

"No, I mean it."

Now I feel like crying, and I get why she was so emotional. I never got the whole unconditional love thing with family, but I think this is more or less what it would feel like. The problem, of course, is that with family there's this assurance that they're going to be with you no matter what, but this, it's like I said; I hear myself and a part of me is telling me how crazy I fucking sound. Crazy for a girl whose realistically not going to be in my life forever.

But I don't think of that right now, and focus on the comfort of having someone with me whose in it for the long run. "I mean it," I tell her again, my voice now small and full of emotion. "I promise."

I hold my pinky out for her to entwine with mine, my hand a little shaky as she takes it with a laugh. "You promise?" She asks once more, and I nod, tears welling in my eyes.

"See? You've got me all emotional again," I gasp out, letting my head fall on her shoulder. "I love you," I murmur into her, because as unrealistic as it was, I never wanted this to end.

She slowly pulls away, "do you um," she clears her throat, "do you wanna go swimming?"

"I would love to."

So that's what we do— stripping out of our clothes and diving into the cold water. The whole time, all I could think about what we had talked about.

"Hey," I whisper as she swims up to me, feeling a certain nostalgia as I wrap her arms around me, "guess what."

"What?" She asks.

"It's, um... been 6 seconds."

"What?"

I didn't know if she'd even remember, such a small interaction from the last night she had before she left for LA in the summer.

"Since I've told you I'm madly in love with you," I state like it's the most obvious thing in the world, causing her to burst out into laughter.

"You remember that?" She asks me.

"Of course I do."

She presses her lips to mine, that familiar feeling of comfort washing over me despite being frozen from the cold water. I hear her laugh, and for a moment I don't understand why until she moves.

"You're seriously hard right now?"

I snicker; "oops?" It only makes her laugh harder, her voice smoothing out to a low hum as I lean into kiss her again. "Can't help it. Got my arms wrapped around a naked woman and she's got me feeling all warm and happy."

"It's freezing!"

"I know!" I fire back, partially aware of how she presses herself against me. "But you make it feel... good."

She notices me swim the both of us over to the ladder, her eyes glazing over when she looks back at me. "Are you telling me that you're getting turned on by domestic sentiments?"

"Yes," I tell her shortly, bracing her body between mine and the docks, holding onto the ladder she's now against. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"It's cute."

"Well, you're cute," I murmur, leaning into press my lips to hers, my hands running down the sides of her waist. I was well aware of the fact that we weren't totally secluded to the outside world, and in fact, any member of her family—well I guess we can exclude her mom—but any other member could decide to peak their head outside and be met with a very interesting sight.

Her hands are in my hair as I slip two fingers into her with ease, something satisfying in the way her eyes roll in anticipation, in how I've fucked her so much I know exactly where to press—and if we were on land I could see the freckle that lies right on the other side move to my touch.

Need crawls at my skin, my dick aching to release again as I watch her lips part, her fingers digging at the roots of my hair.

When I do fuck her, I have to plant my feet at the base of the ladder, my knuckles already white against the railings as her one arm moves to warp around my back. She's pulling us closer, her face buried in the crook of my neck as she whispers my name, and there's something so wonderful in how intimate it all is while being totally exposed for any wandering eye to see.

"Oh fuck, Lexi," I breathe out, her head shifting to meet her lips with mine. It takes me a second to hear what she's muttering between each kiss, a slight gasp escaping me when I finally hear her words properly.

"IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou—"

Fuck.

After we're done, we stay interlocked in each others arms.

"C'mon, you're going to get hypothermia," I finally tell her, ignoring her telling me I was just finding an excuse to get out. "No, no! You're the one always complaining about how bad your body is at keeping heat—I'm being logical."

"It is really bad at staying warm."

"See! Your lips are blue, princess, c'mon."

"Okay, okay—let's just wait for the sun to go down a bit first."

"If you die, I'm not going to be very happy."

"Well there goes my weekend plans—"

"—okkaayyy we're getting out now."

This time, she doesn't protest, and lets me wrap her in a towel before getting us both in a couple of layers, watching the sunset from the dock; smoking a joint in silence. As I come down, the thought of telling her what I had planned to do tonight tempts me, but something has me feeling that she wouldn't be on board.

As I come down, I start to second guess my fool-proof plan as maybe being a tad self-sacrificial, a thought that had come to me in a moment where I felt like I was alone. Would she say the same thing?

It was a stupid question with an obvious answer, but I couldn't think of anyone else who should be taking my place.

I was doing this for her, I was working my bad karma off as Kie would say.

Even if she was with me, fully. Even if I'd be separated from her if I get caught.

This does put some hitches in the plan, because, for the first time in my life I really think I have someone, and I don't want to loose her—almost as much as I don't want John B to die.

The reality of my plan hits me again, but it's not like I have the capacity to do anything else. I'm not Pope, I don't come up with meticulous, thought out plans. I don't have money for a big lawyer like Kie, I don't have ties to the Camerons like Sarah.

I was meant to go down sometime or another, why not take my chances and do it for a friend, it's not like I had anything else to give.

I'm lucky she passes out after smoking, falling asleep in my arms as the events of today, the sex, and the smoke had drained the life out of her. I sit with her longer than I should, before tucking her into bed and finding the ambulance I might've stolen from my cousin.

Show time, I think to myself as I start the engine, and push everything else away.

**^**

Before I know it, I find myself in the ambulance, trying to make small talk with this officer that's complaining about the lack of action. I talk my usual bullshit, but find I'm just trying not to think about getting caught now, despite knowing that I'll have deserved it if I did.

I'm so in my thoughts that it takes me a second to realize I'm being called to the scene, which has me snap out of my own head and try to get back into character. It's then that I find my first problem, as it's actually pretty hard to act as a paramedic, mostly because my extent of knowledge begins and ends with the time I had broken my arm surfing when I was ten.

I try to act natural by swinging the keys around my finger as I talk to the nurse, wondering if there were any key terms I should be using as I ask where the patient is. I know I should be focusing on what she's telling me, but I swear my brain doesn't even register that words are coming out of her mouth despite the fact that I can see her lips moving.

I narrow my gaze, willing myself to hear her ramble on.

"—stage four lymphoma—"

My heart drops, and I almost instantly tune her back out as I realize what the nurse is telling me, the keys stop swinging around my hands, a cold chill numbing my body as the officer brings someone who definitely wasn't John B out for me to take.

I was good at bullshitting, but I really couldn't see my way out of this one.

What's worse was that I recognized the fucker.

"Uh, is this the only patient tonight there, ma'am?" I ask.

"Why? You wanna take more than one tonight?"

She was joking, and I know I sound odd for suggesting it, but I couldn't think of what else to do.

So I dig my heels in, and ask about a patient with appendicitis, cursing under my breath as I see suspicion begin to brew in her eyes.

"Where did you say you worked?"

More lies spill from my lips as I try to keep an even tone, blood pounding in my ears. She insists she's never seen me over at Deer County, while I'm just trying to figure out which key unlocks the back doors of the ambulance.

"JJ, is that you?"

I freeze when I hear his voice, internally slamming my head into the frame of the vehicle. "He's delusional as shit," I mutter, trying to let the comment blow over and instead just loading him into the back of the ambulance.

"So where's your partner?"

Shit.

Now I just have to get out of here.

I'm bullshitting my heart out, but as we pull away I know I've been caught—or destined to be as soon as we get to the hospital.

Blue and red lights begin to flash around me, leaking through the windows; panic choking the breath out of my lungs as the officer keeps his eyes in front of him when I ask what's going on.

I think fast, and text the only person who I knew who had a car. "C'mon Kie," I mutter under my breath as I send the intersection she has to get to, "I need a miracle."

I don't try to hid the panic now, slamming my fists against the wall in hopes that it'd be enough to get myself under control, a wheeze escaping the back of my throat as I curse and sink to the floor in defeat.

It's only now that I think of Lexi again, everything hitting me again as I do—yet somehow it hurts more the second time around.

But then, I'm thrown into a wall, my thoughts dissolving around me as the vehicle coming to an abrupt stop. I swear I've never reacted faster as I realize what this was, bolting out the side door without a second glance.

I'm running blindly through the trees as I try to orient myself, finding an opening that leads me to another road, Kie's banged up car coming into my view from down the street. I hear their voices as I slide into the back seat, but it's only when I look over to see whose closing the door behind me that I realize Lexi is with them.

Our eyes lock, her gaze drowning out the voices of Kie and Pope as they're already yelling at me, creating a moment of silence as I realize I was looking at the very girl I was scared I'd loose.

"I'm seriously not even going to ask," Kie exclaims, her voice no longer so distant as Lexi briefly turns towards the noise, breaking the trance I had fallen under.

"Look—" I swallow hard as I try to catch my breath, "I busted the wrong guy out of jail. Sue me."

I can see Lexi smile wearily at the look Kie gives me, but all I care about is how her eyes turn to me again, something in the way she looks at me has me realize she's on the verge of tears.

"You're an idiot," she finally tells me before pulling me into a tight hug, the noose loosening around my neck as I relax into her embrace. I can hear Kie asking me why I'm always doing such stupid shit, Pope doesn't have to say anything for me to know he's wondering the same thing.

And Lexi? I honestly can't tell what she's thinking of right now.

"At least I was trying," I utter through my exhausted state, "and like, I'm gunna end up in jail anyways... so why does it matter."

I know I shouldn't have mentioned the last part, but my head is so out of whack that my mouth does as it pleases.

"You okay, man?" Pope asks after exchanging a look with Kie, while all Lexi does is tense up against me.

"Yea," I tell him, "just a doozy of a day."

I let my head fall back, Lexi telling them to just drop us off at her place as the questions die down. "Lexi..." I whisper in a low voice as she keeps her eyes in front of her.

"Lets just go home, killer."

No one says anything else for the rest of the car ride home, which has me practically running to get inside when we get to Lexi's place.

"So that's why you were at the station earlier? To tell John B your plan?"

Her question breaks the silence, yet all I can do is nod and advert my eyes.

"Didn't want to tell me that?"

"You wouldn't have been onboard."

"Yea? I wonder why."

"I'm sorry, Lexi, I just didn't know what else to do. I don't have anything else to give."

"You have plenty to give that doesn't involve self-sabotage," she insists, moving so that I'm forced to look at her as she tilts my chin up with her two fingers. "And not leaving me includes avoiding jail time."

"I know, I'm sorry," I say again.

"I'm not mad."

I scoff; "disappointed, then?"

"Worried."

I go quiet, noting how her eyes have gotten glossy again despite her attempts to stay together. "I'm worried about you," she continues on, "because I love you, and because I don't believe you're destined for a jail cell, I know you deserve more than that, and I wish you could see that too."

"I..."

"You don't." She insists, "you deserve much more than the life you've been given."

"I don't deserve you," I point out.

"People don't deserve people," Lexi tells me, "people need people no matter what they deserve. And you? You deserve to be loved, JJ."

"People..." I trail off, trying to find a good rebuttal to her statement, "you're smart in how you talk, I'll give you that."

She smiles at my defeat, moving to press a soft kiss to my lips; "please don't do that again."

"I'll work on it," I assure her, trying my best to find it in me to believe everything she's telling me, to believe my own words.

She lets her head fall to one side a bit, as if she could read my thoughts and knew my promises were struggling to seem realistic. "Hey," I try, my hand slipping into her hair as I caress the side of her face with my thumb, "I'll work on it."

Now it's my turn to kiss her, the feeling of her lips drawing me back for more.

"Wanna go one more time?" She asks as our lips part. "Been one hell of a day."

"That it has," I sigh, picking her up as I do so, leading the both of us upstairs. "And I'm..." I pause as I let her fall onto the bed, "addicted to how you make me feel."

"Well that's not good," she teases softly, her breath hitching as I run my hands along the curve of her waist, stopping at her hips as she brings her shirt up over her head. My fingers unintentionally dig into hollow divots of her pelvis as I watch her, already feeling as though it's been too long since I've seen her naked, despite it only being a couple hours in reality.

Maybe I really was addicted.

I tilt forward, listening to her gasp as I drop my head down to her chest, idly kissing her sternum before moving to her tits to do the same to them, my actions intensifying before I can help myself and I'm kneading the flesh with the palm of my hand, my tongue twisting the bar that's in each nipple until I hear her moan.

"Tell me you wont leave," she tells me as I pull up.

"I won't leave," I instantly respond, "you've got me, alright?"

"Show me."

We undress fully, and I'm kissing between her legs, knowing by now that it was the easiest ways to get a reaction out of her, to get her to say my name the way I like it—with desperation tainting each letter.

It was funny, as I know it was a common thing for guys to like making the girl hold the finale off until they get permission or whatever, but I was never really one of those people. The only time do is either when I'm mad or because I find amusement in watching her ire, but usually it makes me feel better to give her everything I can.

To give it until she physically cannot take it any longer, and then give a little more—that's what I like, and everything else came secondary. Which is why I show no hesitation in getting her off now, as if it'd validate everything I'm telling her, as if it'd prove I'm hers.

She's saying my name now, which has me instinctively nip at her clit, the edges of my teeth sending a jolt through her body and a small cry to her lips. It encourages me to continue, to feel her core begin to tense as her fingers pull at my hair. It has me trying to relieve the tension building between my legs, my free hand hastily reaching down to get myself off.

Her breath changes, and my hand clamps down across her front as she curses before going rigid against me, my actions quickening as she begins to cry out, unable to get out of the hold I have her in until I'm done with her.

"JJ," she purrs when I lift my head, pulling me up to kiss her mouth, as I fully remove my boxers. "Fuck."

I grin, knowing she was still referring to me going down on her as I had yet to do anything since. "You liked that?"

"You know your good," she fires back, her back arching as I sink into her.

"Fuck, you gotta relax a bit," I tell her as she instantly tightens around me, still feeling the effects of her orgasm.

"Should you be used to it by now?" She teases, and I know I shouldn't have been so quite to try and relieve myself as now I'm not sure how long I'm going to last.

"Please," I add, my eyes fluttering a bit as she sits up to start kissing my neck. "Please," I repeat, though it sounds more like a moan as she begins to leave marks on my skin, my mouth hanging open as she lingers on the spot that has the coil inside me wring tighter.

I sink into her as soon as she complies, my arms wrapping themselves around her body as she places her hand on my hip to pull me in closer to her. I'm kissing her neck, her jaw, her mouth—which has her moaning against my lips and I feel myself already starting to slip as she's gone back to clenching around my dick whenever I pull up. "I'm not going to leave," I assure her again, "you've got me. Y-you've—"

My voice is cutoff by a sharp gasp, as I try to keep the agonizing rhythm I had started off with, my head falling into the crook of her neck.

"Touch yourself," I plead, knowing I won't last to see her finish again if she doesn't.

She smiles, tilting my head so that I'm looking at her, and wetting her fingers by slipping them into my mouth before letting her hand trail down her front to find her clit. "Yes, that's it," I groan in her ear, kissing it as I do so. "That's my girl."

"Fuck JJ," she whispers, and I glance down to watch her fingers move to my great enjoyment, re-adjusting ever so slightly so that I hit the spot in her that has her breath quickening.

The spot beneath the freckle, which lets me know I'm more or less in the right ballpark.

"All yours," she breathes out, "I'm all yours too."

When she moves her hand to hold me instead of working on herself, I worry she's given up until I hear it... the change in her voice that has her sounding almost surprised by how close she is, the sharp breath that tells me she's about five seconds away from finishing.

I let myself go when she does, a jagged cry escaping me before I can stop myself, and I'm emptying myself into her as she's encourages me to do so, her body beginning to shake when she finds her voice again. My muscles beg me to slow as they begin to twitch and an incoherent noise is escaping my lips before I find hers to muffle the sound, finally collapsing overtop of her when I have nothing left to give.

I eventually roll off of her to grab a towel, kissing her each time I get the chance to.

"What is it?" I ask when I catch her expression, the one she didn't think I could see.

She runs her hands along the curves of my arms, smiling to herself before meeting my eye again. "You're just... pretty."

"Pretty?"

She nods, and I laugh a bit as I'm once again reminded by how she uses such odd words to complement me, not sure if I've been called 'pretty' by anyone except for her. "My pretty boy," she adds with glassy eyes and a soft smile, making me blush a bit as she watches me with such adoration.

"Oh princess," I sigh, pulling her into me as I can't quite comprehend what she sees that's so special, "you flatter me too much."

Chapter Text

**LEXI** 

"Do you think we fuck too much?" 

My question has JJ erupting into a fit of giggles, his laughter echoing off the walls of the empty house as I'm instantly trying to defend my question; though perhaps it was a little funny that it was the first thing I've said this morning. 

"Do I think we fuck to much?" JJ repeats, and I shift onto my side to face his amused expression, nodding my head. "I didn't realize there's such a thing." 

"Well, I don't know!" 

"There's no point in worrying over stuff like that when we quite literally have about a thousand problems much greater." 

"You're right," I sigh as his hand comes up to tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss my temple; "who cares." 

"That's my girl," he grins, rolling over top of me to grab his phone as I ask him when he wants to head to the chateau. "Anytime," he tells me, "I don't care." 

We end up going shortly after breakfast, which consists of bacon, eggs, and the same coffee I always drink. 

When we drive to the chateau, I can't help but notice the waves peaking through; irritating in how perfect they look as if to tempt me into having fun. "We still have surfboards there, don't we?" I ask. 

"I think so, why? Wanna go surfing?" 

I nod, my hands tightening around his waist as the bike picks up speed and I watch the shoreline twist and turn as we move. 

Pope and Kie seem fairly onboard with the idea themselves when we offer it up, the boys leaving to bring the boards down to the dock as Kie and I hang back. 

"Hey, I've got something to tell you," she whispers once the others are out of sight. 

"Yea you do," I chuckle, "I still haven't gotten the in on what's up with you and Pope, like, for example, what you guys got up to on that midnight boat ride?" 

She gives me a sheepish look, but keeps her eyes trained to her feet. "Hey," I add, "there's literally no judgement here, okay?" 

"It's... well yea, I guess you could say we, did it," she admits, playing with her fingers as she speaks, "and... I might've sucked his dick last night." 

"Kie!" 

She laughs as I grab her in excitement, a blush rising to her cheeks as I squeal in good humour. "You little slut!" 

"Lexi!" 

"I'm fucking with you," I laugh, "and I mean it with the utmost endearment." 

"Yea, okay, okay," she says, rolling her eyes with a slight smile, but something in her expression has me pulling back a bit. 

"What is it?" 

"I just... I guess I was maybe expecting... more?" 

"More? When you were... sucking his dick? Because I don't think he can control that." 

"Oh my God, no! No. Not a problem in that department," she assures me, her eyes widen as she thinks about it for a second, "yea. Definitely not a problem." 

Kie has to wait for me to stop laughing before elaborating further. 

"No. I'm talking, like, the whole sex thing. You know, I guess I was just expecting more in terms of 'wow,' like, the type of thing that takes your breath away," she explains, "it was sorta awkward, which surprised me cause it's never been awkward with Pope before." 

"The sex was awkward?" I confirm, her explanation kinda hard to follow. 

She nods, and now it's my turn to look away in discomfort as there's something about how we're talking about my friend that has me a little taken aback. "Well... pretty sure he was a... virgin," I spell out, as I vaguely remember some form of a drunken conversation along those lines. 

"I just don't think we connect in that way," she admits, "because I like him, a lot... and I think he feels the same way, but it didn't feel like that when we..." 

"Oh." I think for a moment, "but you... sucked his dick?" 

"Yea, I know. I was just so stressed over John B and I needed... something, I guess. He's like, my best friend, right? It's crazy I thought I could ACTUALLY be sexually attracted to him, but hey! Maybe I could be like the person who teaches him what girls want in bed or something." 

"Huh?" I furrow my brow as I try to understand what she's getting at, "you can't just string him along, Kie." 

"I'm not stringing him along, Lex. I mean, is it so wrong to want to feel wanted when everything's going to shit? You just don't get it cause you have JJ." 

I go to respond, but see that Pope and JJ had returned and so I'm forced to refrain. But the look I give her says enough, as she turns away from my disapproval and to JJ instead, whose passing her her board. 

She puts it aside, slumping into a lounge chair and picking up the ukulele, idly strumming as JJ begins to wax his board. My eyes stay glued to her, but she refuses to engage any further. 

Moments like this make me feel like I'm looking at a different Kie than the one I knew in the summer. But I guess one could say the same about me too. 

"That's a lot of wax on your board," Pope notes, taking me out of my thoughts, "put too much wax, and it's going to be slippery." 

"Are you telling me how to wax my board?" JJ asks, stopping what he is doing to stare blankly ahead of him.

I chuckle, glancing over at JJ's work to see about this excess of wax; "looks fine to me, Francis."

"Just saying that it's a lot of wax." 

JJ just repeats his original question, this time with a bit of aggression in his tone. "I'm just saying it's a colossal waste of wax," Pope insists, Kie cutting into defuse the tension as she's not down to handle the petty quarrels at this hour. 

"Hey," I suddenly realize, "where's Sarah?"

But before someone can respond, JJ's attention is suddenly diverted elsewhere. "Do you guy hear that?" He asks, changing the topic before I can get an answer. 

No. No way that's what I think it is. 

A strange feeling falls over me as the sound somehow feels so normal, despite it being months since I had heard that van sputter into the driveway—months since that stupid horn had graced us with its presence. But right now, that stupid horn sounded like the voice of an angel.

"Holy shit," I breathe, JJ asking us all if he was dreaming as our sight confirms what we think we hear, and we feast our eyes on the remnants of Twinkie screeching into the driveway. 

"Guess whose outta the clink, boys!" 

Kie actually screams as John B moves to greet us, and we each take a moment to embrace him, as the thought we'd never get a chance to again dissolves the longer he's in our presence. 

"How'd you do it? How'd you bust out?" JJ asks him as he pulls away.

"Uh, they dropped the charges," John B explains; dazed. He's still a little out of it, like he could quite believe what was happening, and his eyes are glazed over as he stares off into the distance while we celebrate. At least he seen seems happy to see us. 

However, now that John B is back, I really was starting to wonder where Sarah is, tuning out most of JJ's banter about his great plan going to waste as I check my phone to see if she had texted. 

Apparently, John B had a similar train of thought to mine. "Wait, where's Sarah?" He asks, almost as soon as I try her number. 

"She went to go meet Wheezie last night, didn't come back," Kie tells him, Sarahs call going to voicemail as she does. 

Annoyance pricks at my skin, "JJ and I weren't here," I tell him, "so I know she didn't go back to my place, either." 

"I'm sure she'll turn up," JJ tries to assure his friend, "but in the meantime... those waves look pretty—" 

"—JJ!" 

"Alright, my bad," JJ quickly apologizes, his expression becoming guarded once he realizes he's over doing it, "I'm just happy you're home." 

"I know. Just think of it as if it were Lexi, would you still be down to catch some waves?" 

It shuts him up pretty quick, which I'll admit, does give me a certain satisfaction as we head to the back. 

"Kie," I mutter once everyone's walking away, holding her back; "you know what I'm going to tell you, right?" 

"We're still on this? Why can't we just celebrate that our friend isn't going to die right now?" 

I bite the corner of my cheek, glancing up to where Pope is as he talks to John B; "just... at some point, can you try to talk things through with Pope?" 

I keep her from walking away as she goes to move, forcing her to respond. "Yes, okay? Of course I will. These boys mean more to me than anything else in the world, I do anything to keep them." 

I try to think about the psychology of that statement as I give in and follow her down to the dock, wondering how her attachment to the three has caused her to keep changing her mind about the one, but I figure it wasn't worth my time right now as there were more important things to address. 

"Should I go to the Camerons place?" I ask as I hop into the boat, noting how Sarah still isn't back from talking to Wheezie. 

"You aren't going anywhere near that place," JJ tells me, "especially if Ward's taking captives now." 

"I could ask Laurie?" 

JJ snorts, "yea, maybe he can coax it outta him." 

"What?" 

"What?" JJ repeats John B's question, as it only seems to register now that there was something the others didn't know. 

"What you said about Laurie," John B restates, "can he do that?" 

"Are you asking me if Laurie's a master manipulator?" 

"Well, if he's good with his words than it's worth a shot, no?" 

JJ tries his best to keep a straight face, "uh..." he trails off, "maybe. I think Lexi's asked him to look around a bit." 

"I don't need him getting involved," I tell John B, "but it is helpful to maybe have some insight from behind enemy lines." 

"Well that's good that he's helping, maybe he can go over and look for Sarah?" 

"JB..." Pope intervenes, "let's not go the worst case scenario just yet." 

"Ward tried to have me killed! Excuse me for considering all the measures he would be willing to take. Yea," he exclaims when he see's our expressions, "had me yoked up and almost had me killed!" 

"Hey, it's okay," Kie tells him once our clamour dies down. 

"No, it's not." 

No, literally. She's right there," Kie points out, and we all turn to see her approaching on Toppers boat. Yes, the one that Pope may or may not have sunk this summer. 

"John B?" Sarah calls out when she sees him, a smile slowly spreading to her lips when she sees that her hopes are correct. "John B! Oh my God, he's out." 

"What the hell is she doing with Topper?" Kie asks, causing me to snicker. 

They embrace as she hops out of the boat, my eyes trained on Topper as I can see his composure fighting for it's place in his expression. 

"You're okay," John B breathes out, while Sarah voices how she never thought she'd see him again. 

"What happened?" 

"They dropped the charges, I'm a free man," John B explains, "but, Sarah, they're coming for Rafe—"

"—Good," she cuts in, "he's completely unhinged." She takes a breath, before continuing on. "He jumped me last night." 

I snap my head towards her in shock, the others more or less doing the same with the exception of JJ, who looks to me instead. 

"Yea man," Topper adds, "Rafe lost his damn mind. Nearly drowned his own sister." 

"What the hell?" I exclaim softly, "Sarah, are you okay?" 

"Thankfully I got there just in time," Topper finishes, Sarah looking over to share a look with me before nodding her head to verify what Topper had said. 

"Uh, well I guess I owe you one, don't I, Topper?" John B begrudgingly concludes, my eyes still locked with Sarahs as we both have the same expression— in awe of the gall of men. 

"It's all good, I mean, someone's gotta save your girlfriend." 

My eyes instinctively roll, Sarah silently pleading for this conversation to be over so that she could properly process everything that had happened. 

"Ah that's funny," John B continues on, "because she's not actually my girlfriend, right?" 

He turns to her, and I realize what John B's getting at, the awareness instantly making me sick with second hand embarrassment and I do the only thing I can think of and save myself from listening to this conversation by getting up and leaving, walking back to the chateau after muttering something about a beer. 

JJ finds me only a minute later, running into the kitchen with this grin on his face as he explains to me what happened. "Oh God," I cringe as he explains how Sarah had only stuttered something along the lines of 'yea, we're together.' 

"Look, if I had to hear it, you do too," he tells me, shivering as he replays the events over again; "yech. Wanna erase it right from my memory." 

I giggle, letting him pull me into his arms as he plants a kiss on my forehead, "please, never leave me hanging like that?" 

"Please, never put me in that situation," I counter, "I mean, Sarah could've died!" 

"What about the dignity!" 

"Fuck the dignity!" I fire back playfully, shaking my head as he pretends to be offended by my words and I pretend to be mad. 

We don't notice that the others have joined us until I hear Kie gak as she walks into the kitchen. "Are you guys here to hide from what we just witnessed as well?" She asks once she composes herself. 

"Brutal, wasn't it," I say, and she opens a beer for me to take. "Didn't realize we had any of these left." 

"We didn't. I went to the store last night." 

I thank her as we head out to the porch, and watch as JJ goes to ask John B to shotgun with him. 

"Sarah!" He tries as all John B does is storm past us. 

"No!" She exclaims before he even has a chance to ask her. JJ does it anyways, looking back to me for my praise at his 'accomplishment.' 

"That was pretty fast, no?" 

I roll my eyes, messing with his hair as all I can do is agree with him, knowing anything else will involve me shotgunning as well, just so that he could prove his point. 

"Hey JJ, do you wanna smoke?" Kie asks out of the blue, causing us both to turn towards her as she reappears. 

"Nah, I'm good right now," he tells her, his eyes flickering back to me, "definitely more of a later flex." 

She only glances at me then, but rather than offering it up to me she just nods and walks to where Pope is, leaving me speechless and once more filled with that dreaded feeling in my stomach. 

"So... did you guys fight or..." 

"Nope," I tell him, letting us both sit with the silence for a moment as I work up the courage to speak my mind. Was he thinking it too? I couldn't be the only one whose wondered if Kie had real feelings for JJ. It wouldn't explain all of the weird quirks of Kiara's personality recently, but it would explain some of them. 

"Hey... do you think—"

"—nah..." JJ says as he seems to instantly know where I was going with it, "right?" 

We share a look, JJ knitting his brow as I guess I don't appear to be convince. "No," he says with more certainty this time, "she literally sucked Popes dick this morning." 

"He told you?" 

He nods, opening his mouth to say more before deciding against it. "Actually nevermind," he says. 

"Nevermind?" 

"Nevermind what?" John B asks as he emerges to stand with us. 

"Kie sucked Pope off," JJ tells him before I can change the topic, stating it so plainly that John B actually starts to laugh. 

"You're serious? That's what you guys were talking about?" 

"We weren't," I defend, "JJ's just being crude." 

"I mean, aren't they like kinda together anyways? It would make sense," John B points out, "unless I'm missing something here." 

I shrug, "I don't know, Kie's being weird with it when she talks to me. I swear she changes her mind on him every other hour." 

"Maybe she's been talking to Sarah," John B suggests, bite in his voice despite his attempt to conceal it with a smile. 

"Oh come on Johnny boy," I groan, "you were using that as ammunition and you know it." 

"So what if I was!" 

"Dude, I tried to explain the dignity—"

"—oh not this again," I cry out, shaking my head as I do so, "love isn't a sword, man. Don't be a dick to her when she nearly died last night." 

"So did I!" John B points out. 

"Oh, is this a competition?" 

"No, it's..." he trails off, "it's a miscommunication, I know. But I could just tell Topper really still thinks he has a chance now that he was able to rush to her safety." 

"Don't you wonder how?" 

"How what?" 

"How Topper was able to get to her just in time, find her at some abandoned shipment yard by chance?" John B goes silent at my observation, "because," I add, "at some point, she's probably going to ask herself that question, and trust me, no one wants a stalker for a boyfriend. Not that he's any competition to the guy she risked her life for on multiple occasions." 

"I'm going to kill him," John B mutters. 

"Give him time," I tell him, "he'll either do it to himself, or come around. Either way, I think you should apologize to your girlfriend." 

"Well... I'll keep that in mind," John B sighs, glancing down to see an incoming call from someone named Guffy. 

"Guffy, whose guffy?" I question, JJ picking up the phone to ask him why he was calling, but his expression drops as he gets a response and signals for us to follow. 

All I'm able to make out as I follow a few paces behind JJ, is that something had happened to Popes dad. 

**^**

Sarah helps bandage mr. Heyward's forehead, earning a gruff thanks from the man as he tentatively touches the now covered wound. 

"What happened?" Pope asks his dad, who then proceeds to explain how he was jumped by a man in a leather jacket, giving a description that sounded suspiciously like the man we had met in Charleston. 

"...he asked for that key that you showed me," Heyward explains, gesturing to Pope, "from that... drawing. In case your wondering, I ain't tell him nothing," he adds, but asks if Pope had found what he was looking for. 

"I found it in Mee-maws old apartment above the apartment, like you said." 

"Shit boy, you should've gave this to me. I would've had to take a beating," Heyward exclaims, "what's the big deal! It's not worth anything, why'd they want it so bad." 

"I don't know," Pope admits, and his dad insists on finding an answer rather than just handing the key over—suggesting that he go and talk to his great-grandma in an attempt to get some clarity when he can't find a good reason for why these people want it so badly. 

We stay over at the chateau that night, JJ and I getting the spare bedroom while Sarah and John B take the master, Pope and Kie awkwardly finding separate spots on the couch. 

"What happened with them?" Sarah asks. 

"I don't know," I tell her, "she's... been acting weird." 

"I thought she liked him." 

"I thought so too," I sigh, shaking my head as I decide to change the subject. "What's been up with you and John B?" 

Sarah shakes her head, "he's been acting like such an ass, I don't know. I'm just trying to be happy he's home, but he's hell bent on holding onto the fact that Topper saved my life, like that's the worst thing to happen?"  

"So, tell him. Be persistent," I tell her. 

"I don't want to fight with him," she insists. 

I sigh, "trust me, fighting now while it's small will be a lot better than if you let your feelings sit with you." 

"What are you two whispering about?" 

We both turn towards JJ's voice as he notes the odd setup Pope and Kie have going on. "Nothing," I assure him, hooking my arm around his, "ready to go to bed?" 

"Yup." 

"Alright," I say, deciding to put all the tension to rest for today, "'night guys." I turn into the bedroom with JJ by my side. 

I refuse to look Kiara in the eye, as all it would do is start another analysis that gets me nowhere.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

We drive to where Pope's great-grandmother now lives as he tells us everything he already knows about the key. 

"...She said the key leads to the cross of Santo Domingo," Pope explains to us as he twirls it between his fingers. 

"Are we supposed to know what that is?" Sarah asks as JJ takes the key from Pope to inspect it for himself, while Pope suggests it might be an artifact of some sorts. 

"Well according the interwebs, it was a gift from New Spain to the Spanish king," Kie tells us. 

"New Spain? Is there an old Spain?" JJ asks as Kie shows us a picture. 

"Talk about over-gifting," Kie chuckles as she hands me the phone, ignoring JJ's question as she focuses on the cross. 

"It almost looks like a reliquary," I point out as I note the embellishments, while Kie is more interested in the height of the damn thing. 

"It was lost off the coast of Bermuda in 1829." 

"Bermuda?" JJ asks Kie before turning to John B, "it always leads back to the triangle, dude." 

I guess it had been a topic of interest for some time now, as John B clearly knew what JJ was going to say and groaned in exasperation. 

"Okay, well what does a key found above you mee-maws pharmacy have to do with any of this?" Kie says, asking the obvious question before turning to me, "you said it looked like a reliquary? What's... what's that." 

"Erm... when pilgrimages were popular in the Middle Ages, churches would be built to house these relics that these people would travel some distance to visit—and they would held in protective containers called reliquary's. Belief that the second coming was imminent then, and people thought that by going on these pilgrimages they'd be saved, some would even donate gems and other precious metals, which is why these containers were often so ornate. What?" I ask after realizing I had begun to ramble, "I took art history." 

"Anyways," Kie finally says, "it still doesn't explain where we come in." 

Pope doesn't have a good answer, and so all he can do is hope that he can find some answer. 

When we park in front of the old age home, JJ hops out to open the back door, but Pope stops Kie from getting out as she begins to; "hey, uh... I think I'm going to do this one by myself," he tells her. 

"Are you sure?" 

I watch JJ as he looks between the two, his brow furrowing ever so slightly as Pope tell's her he doesn't need any help. "Oh, well aren't we all just one big happy family today, aren't we?" JJ quips before he can help himself, like he was trying to make the conversation a little more awkward to watch. 

"Alright man, we'll pick you up in a bit," John B calls out as Pope walks off and we drive away, and I watch Kie as she slips back into her seat with a compelling expression written on her face. She was upset, and clearly a little surprised by whatever that conversation was as she doesn't say a word for the rest of the trip. 

Once we've stopped, the girls get out per Kie's request to go to the convenient store. "Want anything?" I ask JJ as I lean over the back of his seat. 

"Hm, gummies?" 

"Any kind?" He nods, prompt John B to ask for some too. "Yea, alright fine. But just cause you nearly died a couple of times," I sigh, quickly kissing JJ on the cheek before sliding out of the van and joining the others. 

"So, I'm guessing you and John B didn't talk?" I ask Sarah once we get inside, causing her to scoff. 

"What gave that away?" 

"Y'all have yet to say a word to one another all morning," I laugh, Kie cracking a smile from next to me. 

"C'mon, it's John B," Kie points out. 

"So?" 

"Isn't that why we love him, cause he's so easy going," Kie points out as I grab the food the guys had asked me to get. 

I just shrug, glancing back at them as I finish paying. "I'll just tell it as it is," Sarah tells us as we step out of the convenience store, "I mean, of course I thanked Topper! He saved my life, and I've already put him through so much already. And you'd think that is the crime of the century." 

We head outside, "tell me about it," Kie adds, "all this crazy shit happening, and Pope's giving me the silent treatment for not being in love with him." 

"And we're the dramatic ones," Sarah smirks, both of them looking to me as I walk by their side. 

"Is this where I vent about my boy problems? Because I'm pretty sure JJ's presence alone is dramatic enough for this conversation," I say, Sarah already beginning to laugh through the straw of her drink. "But if we really want to go into details? There was an incident involving him stealing an ambulance because he believed we were all just sitting on our asses." 

"Like... was that really the most logical plan he could come up with?" Sarah laughs. 

"I still can't believe he did that," Kie adds, shaking her head in amusement, "if that were me, he'd be sleeping on the couch, I can tell you that much." 

I snicker, "I think it was too insane for me to even be mad, just..." 

"Concerned?" I turn towards Sarah, nodding once as I don't really feel like going into much detail about it. "I mean, if that were John B, I would have been terrified," Sarah admits, "I can see why..." 

"Yea." 

I wonder if she was a making a point to rephrase the scenario Kie had used, but I decide I've got to be reading too much into things, I mean, I was just picking apart every little thing at this point. There's a lull in our conversation before Kie speaks up again; "do you guys think what I did was wrong?" Kie asks, referring to her and Pope. 

"I mean if you don't feel it..." Sarah trails off. 

"You should be honest," I add, "and better now than in like 3 months, right?" 

"Fuck. This feels just like when John B liked me," Kie groans, "I love these boys more than anything, I just wish they'd stop messing with it, cause I really can't loose them." 

I didn't know if Kie simply chose to ignore the hitch in Sarah's throat, or happened to not notice it, but either way she heads back to the van as if she could see no reason why there might be a problem with that statement. 

Sarah speaks up after a moment of shocked silence; "did John B..." 

"I don't know," I answer honestly, "I think he thought she was flirting with her and tried to kiss her once, but I'm not sure if he was all too hurt when she said she didn't see him in that way." 

"Yea, John B mentioned something about a kiss, but didn't say anything about having any real feelings for her," Sarah tells me, pretending to tie her shoe so she can prolong the conversation. 

"It really wasn't a big deal," I assure her, helping her back up once she's sat with her thoughts for a moment. "Trust me, alright?" 

"Did JJ ever like her like that? Or did she... you know, like him?" 

I pause, "I'm not really sure, but if she's wavered on her feelings towards both John B and Pope, chances are JJ's been in the grey area as well." 

I wasn't technically lying to her, and this way if I ever needed to tell her what I knew, it was a conversation that could be re-opened. I assure her that it was nothing once more before getting back into the car, passing each of the boys a bag of gummy's. 

"Love ya," JJ says as he rips the package open, John B thanking me from next to him as he shoves a mouthful of candy into his mouth. Sarah smiles at John B, leaning into peck him on the cheek as she sneaks a candy for herself when he's distracting, making a point to pop it in her mouth so that he can see what she's done. 

"You thief," John B cries, yet seems a little more relaxed now that Sarahs shown the slightest signs of a truce as he starts the van. "Alrighty, think Pope will be ready?" 

"Only one way to find out," JJ says, and so we drive back to the nursing home to see what Popes been up to.

He's waiting for us when we get there, a little shell shocked as he climbs back into the car without saying a word. 

"Hey, what's up bud," I say, concerned by my friends expression. 

"How'd it go?" John B adds. 

"Shit just got way more personal," Pope states, glancing around at the rest of us as we try to figure out what he means. 

But I guess our question of where we fall in just got answered, as Pope explains everything to us on the way back to my place. 

It was... insane. 

"So you're related to Denmark Tanny? For real?" I ask him as I unlock the door and let everyone in, confirming what I had just heard. 

"Are we in the presence of a royal?" John B joke. 

"A king?" JJ adds, pretending to put a crown on his head as he mimics a horrible British accent: "we shall crown him. All hail the lord of Tannyhill." 

"Relocate the cats ass, question mark?" Sarah suggests, taking a seltzer from my mini fridge. 

"Think Pope can take back his land?" I ask.

"I'm with that," JJ says, while Kie asks when we all can move in. "Bunk beds?" 

I laugh at the thought of that, all of us stacked on top of each other in single beds, while Pope seems to still be deep in thought. "Hey," I tell him, "just have a drink, relax a bit." 

"I just keep thinking of that letter Limbrey sent; with the wheat symbol on it. That must mean it had something to do with the Royal Merchant." 

"We can look into it later," I tell him, adverting my attention for a moment as John B as he asks if we can build a fire. "Go right ahead," I tell him, stopping Pope from leaving while I was looking elsewhere as I turn to talk to him again; "hey! Are you okay?" 

"I mean, it's just a lot to take in, I feel like I've missed this big part of my life—"

"—I'm not talking about that." 

"Oh." Pope goes silent for a moment, shrugging me off as he looks down at his feet, only to meet my eye with the slightest traces of sadness in his. "No, not really. But I'll survive," he tells me. "It's not like I haven't been down this road before." 

"Pope... Kie's always been funny with her friendship with you guys, but I didn't think it'd go this way," I try, "I'm sorry it did." 

I pull him into a hug, lingering there for a moment before giving him a quick pat on the back and a kiss on the cheek, "you'll be alright? Right?" 

"Yea," Pope says, trying to sound a little more upbeat, "lets just have some fun." 

We join the others by the fire, JJ taking my hand as I walk past him to pull me down next to him. "So controlling," I tisk, but move to sit on his lap anyways. 

"I thought that's why you liked me?" JJ whispers in my ear, and I can tell he's grinning just by how he speaks. 

"Maybe," I admit, watching as the others begin to roast marshmallows and make light conversation around the fire. 

"Look at them," JJ says as he too watches everyone else around us, "couldn't ask for a better family." 

"You know, I was just thinking the same thing," I sigh, taking his hand in mine and entwining our fingers together. 

Sometime later we head inside to watch TV, John B shifting through the options as Sarah lies her head on his lap, his hand stroking her hair. 

I feel JJ behind me as I lean my elbows on the kitchen counter, snapping his hips into me as he pretend to fuck me from behind. I giggle, "you having fun?" 

"That never gets old," he assures me, just as I hear a knock at the door, followed by Laurie stepping into the house and making his presence known. 

"Hey Laur," I say as he steps inside, a file of papers in his hand, "is that for me?" 

"It's all I could find," Laurie tells me. 

"Well I told you not to get too involved," I remind him, "anything is good." 

"What's this?" Sarah asks after saying hello to my brother. 

"It's uh... files that your dad had," Laurie explains, "they might be helpful..." 

John B hops over the couch to see them, "hey, thanks man," he mentions, "this really means a lot." 

"How'd you get ahold of these?" Sarah is looking through them as well, her brow furrowing as she reads everything with her fathers name on it. "It's still crazy to think that our dads worked together," Sarah adds in a lower voice. 

"It's crazy that..." 

John B doesn't finish his sentence, but everyone knows what he was about to say. 

"Is there anything on Nick?" I ask before I can help myself, Laurie nodding after a second to confirm what I was dreading to hear. 

"Nick appears to have gone off and begun working with this woman named Carla Limbrey when big John decided he was too much of a liability, and Ward worked with them for a bit before something happened that had both parties severe all ties." 

"And this is all in these files?" 

Laurie nods, "Ward was able to get his hands on a lot of the text conversations that link him and Nick Paris together." 

I take one of the files from John B's hands, my face falling when I catch sight of a phone clearly taken off of Nicks phone. "What is it?" JJ asks when he notices my expression, trying to see what was so off about a simple recording of Carla Limbrey handing files off to the man I once called Tom, quite possibly so that he can remember the event taking place as it was clearly taken mid-party. 

"The background," I breathe out, as I see my younger self sitting back on the couch, my eyes half closed as I hold a rolled dollar in my outstretched hand—passing it to someone whose face I've never seen before in my life. 

I can feel everyone's eyes on me as they all get a chance to look at the screenshots of the video, no one saying anything as I quickly put it away. 

"So uh..." John B clears his throat, "going back a bit here, but how did you get these, Laurie?" 

Laurie doesn't say anything at first, the slightest falter in his expression that could only really be noticed by someone that knows to look for it quickly concealed as he snaps back into character. "You know, I'm over at the Camerons place a lot," Laurie tells him, "Ward... I think Ward believes I'm a good influence to Rafe." 

"Right... and hows that going" Pope pipes in. 

"Ha. Well let's just say I haven't done miracles for his coke addiction." For a second, Laurie almost looks like he is going to say something else, before he decides against whatever it was and just smiles. "Anyways, you take photos of whatever might be useful and I'll get it back before he notices it's missing. There's an arrest warrant out for Rafe now so the place is pretty staked out, I just wanted you to see the evidence before it goes to the police." 

"Thank you, Laurie," I say, giving him a small hug before assuring him I'll have them back by the end of the night. 

When he leaves, John B goes right into doing a proper look through all the files, Kie putting on a movie for some background noise as everyone gets comfortable. I'm in one of the chairs with JJ, tucking myself into the blanket that he offers as Twenty-One Jump Street plays in the background; the lights dimmed as low as they could go. 

I can tell he isn't focusing on the movie, just in the way he shifts and keeps whispering dirty jokes in my ear, causing me to laugh. 

"Are you bored?" I ask him after this goes on for a good 30 minutes. 

"Wanna fool around?" JJ counters, a small gasp of surprise escaping me from not expecting him to be so blunt. 

"In front of everyone?" 

"They don't have to know," JJ points out, pulling the blanket up a bit, "as long as you're good and don't give it away. Can you do that? Can you be good?" 

I nod slowly, turning into him ever so slightly so that I can meet his eye; "I can if you can." 

He smiles, his eyes flickering back up to take in his surroundings as he shuffles his weight. I realize why he's been so twitchy now as I feel him press against my hip. "How long have you been like this?" I ask him. 

"The whole time," he admits, lightly nipping at my ear as he does so, "I have what one might call an overactive imagination." I feel him undoing my pants as he speaks, while keeping his eyes on the screen. "Kept picturing... well I kept picturing you." 

I slip my hand under his pants to feel him, a short gasp escaping me as I feel his body tense beneath me. "Doing what?" I counter as I begin to run my hand along his length, barely doing anything other than letting the anticipation grow, his hands going limp as he gives up on trying to focus on anything else.

"What?" 

"What am I doing?" I clarify, though I'm sure he knew what I was talking about the first time around. 

"I-you really wanna know?" 

"Why wouldn't I?" I giggle, "it's... hot, to hear about stuff like that." 

"Yea but," JJ sighs as he tries to find the right word to use, "it's... a lot." 

"What? Worried I wouldn't like your twisted fantasies, JJ?" I pause, slowly tightening the grip I have on his cock, my thumb drawing light circles around the tip, causing JJ to straighten his posture a bit and check in on the others. "Or," I add, making sure to get close to his ear as I speak, "are you worried I would like it." 

JJ's breath hitches, a small smile on my lips as I can't help myself and suddenly call out to John B; "hey! Did you find anything?" I ask, while JJ scrambles to act natural, his eyes going wide when he realizes what I've done. 

"It's actually, kinda nice," John B tells me, "it feels like I'm getting closure by getting the exact rundown of what went down." 

"That's great, I'm glad," I tell him, letting him turn back to his work before snickering. 

"You're an ass," JJ grumbles, "you really are..." 

I turn to the TV, making sure it doesn't look too weird as I begin to move a little quicker, sliding my hand up and down until I feel his cock begin to leak with pre-cum. 

"You ever see the type of restraints where your wrists are tied to your ankles?" JJ breathes out, my stomach twisting and my hand falters as I picture it. "You like that? O-or, what about, what about somethin' round your neck?"

I hum, and he can see my grin as his hand finally slips beneath my pants to slide two fingers between my legs, my head unable to will my arm to work in the same way now that he begins to stroke my pussy, my head not able to focus on anything other than not making a noise. 

"Why don't we get stuff then?" I suggest through shallow breathes, "what's stopping us?" 

"Yea? You'd want that?" JJ lets out a shaky laugh, making it look like it was from the TV before lower his voice again; "so fucking dirty, aren't you." 

Now it's my turn to laugh, "who says we stop there?" 

"Why. Do you have something in mind?" 

I pause, realizing how this conversation really should be something we talk about without the risk of getting caught. But, there's no reason why I shouldn't open the conversation up for future reference. "Where do I start?" I grin, my mind drawing a blank as it wasn't about preference but rather inexperience, "what about... wax?" 

"Wax" JJ repeats. 

"Hot... wax," I add, the first thing I could think of really, "it's supposed to feel good." 

"Such a pain freak," JJ teases, his fingers briefly speeding up the second I can find it in me to focus on giving him a handjob—just to keep me from succeeding and to keep my head clouded. "What about, in the interest of the present, something... cold." 

"Cold?" 

I turn, watching JJ take a sip of his water in confusion before his free hand takes one of the ice-cubes from the glass. "Right here?" I ask him. 

"How bought a taste," JJ says, juggling the solid in his one hand as he cautiously slides it down my front as well. He has one hand around either side of my waist now, trapping me in his arms and I feel the cold now as he tests my sensitivity. 

I suck in as he lets it graze my clit, using his finger to block a fragment of the cube so that it doesn't feel too intense as the feeling makes my eyes gloss over. He repeats the action, before his other hand goes back to getting me off. I moan inwardly, my grip on JJ's dick instinctively tightening as I know I want to get him off, even if I can't think properly and so the technique isn't exactly there. 

He was painstakingly hard, his body fidgeting beneath me as I am suddenly so close it hurts, my body fighting my release as everything around me begins to overwhelmed my system. But just as I think I couldn't hold it back any longer, John B's telling us he wants to head home, JJ's body going tense and he clearing his throat with a nod when John B finally lifts his head to see our response. 

I hear the ice cube hit the ground. 

"Ah, okay," I tell him, regaining my thoughts as JJ slides his hand off of me, and I'm forced to do the same. 

I'm giddy with adrenaline, getting up to clean once I can check to make sure the melted ice hadn't made a mark, John B calling out to let everyone else know: "the train will be leaving in a few minutes!" JJ can only sit there, trying to figure out how he's going to say goodbye while his dick is still rock hard. 

It is a little satisfying, I will admit. 

I walk through the front door so that I can get to the large recycling bins and dump the empty cans there, noticing Kie and Pope killing the last of the fire. I move towards them, Kie saying something I don't quite catch before I hear my name. 

"...I'm just saying," Kie says. 

"I know what you're saying," Pope counters, "but it seems odd of you to say it." 

"Oh come on seriously? How long do you really think they're going to last. Lexi can't help JJ in the way he needs to be helped, and so it's just a matter of time before he snaps again." 

Everything goes cold around me, nausea nearly making me drop to the floor right there as I realize what she's talking about. 

"I don't know, I think Lexi is smart in not trying to fix JJ," Pope tells her, "do you really think he'd snap at her, again?" 

"It's not just that..." 

"Then what is it! Cause by you just coming out here and telling me you think they should break up, you're making quite a statement." 

I know I should turn away, I know I should for my own sake and for theirs as well. But I can't. 

Where would you rate your pain, on a scale from 1 to 10. 

I don't know, I can't feel anything at all. 

"I just think they're going to mess up the friendship we all have, and I don't want that! Come on, Pope, you have to see that they're no good together," Kie continues on, "and what the fuck is JJ going to do when Lexi gets sick like her mom? She's already a little... off. At least if John B and Sarah break up they'd be someone chill with it." 

"Kie..." 

"No seriously. JJ can't handle something like that, he's too fragile, it'll wreck him." 

"Kie I don't want to talk about this." 

"They're already so fucking dependent on each other, I can't even see them functioning properly when they break up." 

I leave them, and go back through the front door—the same way I had gone out, words like dependent and no good digging into the corners of my mind.  

"Alright, are we all ready to go?" John B asks when he sees that everyone's back inside, Kie and Pope not realizing I had ever left. 

John B says goodbye to me and JJ before calling out to the others one last time and leaving through the front door, the others following him out. 

"Lex. JJ. You sure you don't wanna come?" Kie asks on her way out. 

"Nah," I tell her, that feeling in me returning as it hits me all over again. "We'll just see you guys tomorrow." 

Kie looks over to JJ, who just looks at her with a deadpanned expression on his face. "Why would I go?" 

"Just wondering," she says before leaving to catch up with the others. 

I turn to JJ then, and though I could tell him what I heard, I don't. 

"I need you," I say to him instead, fisting the material of his shirt as I turn to him. 

"Need me... for what?" JJ asks with a growing smile, playing dumb as he takes the sides of my face and kissing me. 

I'm already trembling, wanting him to kiss me again as soon as he pulls away. "Make me yours, please," I murmur desperately, "I don't want to feel anything but you."

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

JJ takes me to the bedroom, stripping me naked and tying my hands behind my back with a belt before telling me to stay put and going back downstairs. 

I let my eyes close, testing how tightly JJ had done up the belt as I wiggle my hands—finding that they stay stuck together. I sink into the feeling as I lie on my tummy, anticipation crawling at my skin as I let myself forget everything that's happened. Right now, nothing else matters, and I can let my thoughts dissolve and focus on the silence that now lingers in the house. 

I hear his footsteps, but don't open my eyes until I feel him kiss my shoulder as he hovers over me, feeling his hips roll into my backside. "Hey pretty girl," he murmurs in my ear as he nips at it. 

"Where'd you go?" I sigh as he pulls my ass up off the bed so that my back arches, watching him through the mirror that leans up against the wall, parallel to my bed, as he sits back and grinds into me. 

I watch as he leans over to grab something from the nightstand table, "I wanted to finish what we started earlier," he tells me, and I see the the ice cube in his hands now as his head drops and I watch his head disappear between my legs, licking a single stripe of anticipation that has me go completely slack against the duvet. My hands fiddle within it's bindings, my fingers running along the smooth edges of the belt, feeling the metal clasps that affix to the ends. 

JJ lifts his head to trace my spine with the ice cube, a shiver passing through me as it shocks my system. He stops where my hands around bound, picking the cube up and putting it in his mouth, dipping his head down once again to eat me out. But this time, he first drags the cold against my sensitivity, the shock making me cry out just as he twists the ice beneath his tongue to soothe the sting that pulses between my legs, the warmth of his mouth as he licks soft circles against my clit radiating to the rest of my body. 

I groan, my arms straining against the hold their in, the air in my lungs getting squeezed out of me as he guilds the ice cube back onto me, teasing my entrance as he briefly dips his tongue lower before moving it up again. 

"JJ," I choke out as the feeling lingers longer than I had expected, "JJ—Please." 

He chuckles against me, waiting until I start to whine before he lets the ice cube disappear beneath his tongue, lapping warmth back into me with building pleasure to my core. I begin to swear, mumbling 'fuck' over and over again until I'm finding it hard to speak and I'm just squeaking out unintelligible noise. 

And then, he switches to the ice cube again, my entire body going stiff as he holds it there, right on my clit for a good three seconds before releasing the cold burn that ignites within me, his tongue no longer letting me relax but only adding to the the tension that builds. I stay rigid when I cum, and he's holding me steady as he refuses to let up into I'm writhing against him. 

"That's it," he finally mutters as he lifts his head, swallowing the last of the ice cube with a satisfied gulp, his fingers idly sliding up and down my pussy as he sits back, "fuck," he chuckles darkly, "you're so fucking wet for me." 

I've barely caught my breath, in fact, I was still sorta panting when he suddenly enters me, my body collapsing beneath him as he rocks into me steadily, furiously, as he refuses to let up. 

"So good," he's muttering, "so good for me;"and there is tension in his words as I catch his expression in the mirror to see his jaw set in place. 

It twists my insides, and I feel every stroke a little more when I'm watching him, my head beginning to feel light as the burn in my core sets in and makes itself at home. "F-fuck daddy," I say before I can stop myself, my eyes rolling as a buzz begins to tingle my hands and feet. I've begun to repeat myself, but it isn't registering that I'm even speaking, my mouth going slack as he reaches around me and rubs me through my second orgasm as soon as he senses I'm close. 

I let it rip through me, tear at every muscle in my body, all without saying a word. I practically yank my shoulders from their sockets without a sound, the restraints enduring my silent efforts until I begin to tremble and the scream finds it's voice from the back of my throat. 

He's chuckling to himself, "yea? You like that princess? Such a fucking whore for it aren't you." 

I nod into the bed, "yes. Yes daddy," I cry out, bracing myself as he thrusts all the way into me once, slowly, a strangled moan escaping me before he's pulling out and untying me. 

"Don't worry, baby," he assures me when he senses my confusion, "we aren't done yet." 

He's turning me onto my front, and for a moment I wonder why he's let up on me for so long before I see him reach for the toy that resides in my bedside dresser. 

You're going to take it, alright?" He tells me as he holds my face tight to look him in the eye, a dreamy smile forming along my lips as I can't help but admire him, nodding rapidly as, in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to do as he says. 

I hear the vibrator turn on, but hold my gaze on his face, letting my body shake as it's instantly overstimulated while all my face does is go slack. 

It's all-consuming, and when it finally register in my head, that familiar sense of panic starts to take over as it shatters me from the inside out. I relish in the feeling, but it doesn't stop the pain from shooting through me, sending warning signs to my brain and begging me to let up on whatever's electrocuting every nerve in my body. 

"Oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck," I moan loudly, my voice raising with every syllable until I'm practically screaming. "Fuck I can't... I can't..." 

"That's not true," JJ tells me, his voice dark as he meets my eye again, "you can take it." 

There's a moment where neither of us speak, my breath suspended mid-inhale as our gaze refuses to break, pleasure surging to my core as I watch him before I let my climax hit me—hard. 

He's holding me steady, keeping the vibrator on me for as long as he could before pulling back just as the string inside me snaps. He begins to fuck me as the world dissolves around me and he's the only thing left, tempting the vibrator every once in a while, just to keep the adrenaline flowing. 

I watch his face when he finishes, savouring the way his body trembles over me as I lie dazed in ecstasy beneath him, letting him pull me into his chest and cradling my body as he slowly pulls out. 

"You're crying," he tells me after we lie like this for a few minutes. 

I tentatively reach out to touch my face, realizing that he was right; "it was good," I tell him, surprised by how far away my voice sounds in my ears, "that's all." 

I sigh slowly, adding, "I think I needed that. Need you."

"Hey," he murmurs, "you've got me, alright?" 

Exhaustion hits me like a punch to the face, burrowing myself as close to him as I could possibility get as a cold shiver rushes through me. "Why don't we get you into some clothes to sleep in and get ready for bed, hm?" JJ suggest. 

"Can you carry me?" 

He chuckles, and complies without saying another word, the rest of the night a drunken blur as I'm intoxicated by the feeling of him, and I never want to come down.

**^** 

"How are we just meant to go to school on Monday?" 

"Beats me," I tell John B the next morning, throwing the football for him to catch as Pope, him, and I pass it in a circle. 

"Sarah's definitely not going," he tells me, nodding his head towards her as she listens to JJ as he tries to teach her how to take the fish she accidentally caught off the lewer, as I guess she had casually dropped the line into the water without thinking of the outcome. 

"Why would you fish without wanting to catch something?" I hear JJ ask her. 

"I don't know! I just haven't done it in so long I wanted to remember what it was like!" 

I laugh at the two of them, "yea, it makes sense for her to take it slow," I tell John B. "She's still got a lot to process." 

"I did apologize about the Topper thing," He finally admits. 

"Yea?" I ask, Pope chuckling at my expression as he listens to us talk. 

"Oh, don't give me that look," John B half-heartedly demands, "I know I might've over-reacted, but she did apologize for not telling Topper we were married—if you cared to know." 

"We didn't," Pope tells his friend, ducking when John B purposefully sends the ball right at his face, "gotta do better than that, buddy!" 

Popes confidence doesn't last long, however, as he's sprinting away moments later as John B suddenly charges at him. 

I grin as I let them wrestle it out, half-aware of JJ as he comes up behind me to try and scare me—forcibly grabbing my shoulders and letting out a short yell to make his presence known. 

"That was pretty bad," I chuckle. 

"Yea, definitely needed better approach," JJ agrees, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my cheek, "you wanna stay here or go home for the night?" 

I shrug, "that's a lot of driving if we go home." 

"Yea, I don't really feel like trekking back and forth, plus we're supposed to go to Heyward's seafood to pick up some dinner later on. He told John B he'd give him a deal," JJ tells me. 

"That's nice of him," I say, and he nods absently from behind me. 

"You okay?" He asks after a second, his arms still wrapped around me as he whispers in my ear. 

I think for a second, because really I was fine as long as I didn't think of the girl who was currently playing the ukulele on the porch. "I'm alright," I tell him, stealing a quick look at Kie now just to see if it still hurt the same. 

It did. 

I want to just confront her at this point, but by doing that I'd have to be prepared to actually argue—which I really didn't want to do. So instead, I'm stuck with this horrible pit in my stomach as I think back to how she insisted on shitting on me and my relationship, as it reminds me of all the small things she has done since I've been back. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Just coming down," I murmur, half aware of Kie as she approaches us. 

"Oh, well, if that's the case we can lie down for a bit?" 

"You guys are going to take a nap?" Kie asks us as she gets within eavesdropping distance. 

"I was feeling a little tired," I grit out with as neutral of a tone as possible, "it was just a thought." 

I was not about to deal with my feelings today, especially when it's been brewing for so long. 

"Well then why don't you lie down for a bit... alone? JJ, are you tired too?" 

"No, I-I'm good," I tell her, turning to face her as JJ does the same, watching her look at me with a confused frown on her face. 

God, I don't feel very good now, and I think JJ can tell as he suddenly seems a little more focused on the conversation. "She said she was good," JJ cuts in as Kie continues on, causing her to slam her mouth shut. 

"Okay..." she trails off, "no need for the hostility." 

"What are we all chit-chatting about?" John B asks as him, Pope, and Sarah all join us, Kie's expression instantly relaxing once the others are around. 

"Oh, you know," JJ sighs dramatically, quick to change the topic, "just wondering when we're going to get some food." 

"Have a bit of patience," John B urges playfully, "good things can never be rushed." 

"Sarah probably wishes you take your own advice," JJ fires back, causing John B to drop his mouth when he gets the joke. 

"Sarah! Tell him he's wrong right now!" John B insists, masking his amusement in outrage as Sarah bursts out into laughter. "Sarah! Sarah!"

"I'm not laughing.... Cause of what... it's not true...it's just funny," Sarah tries to assure him between breathes.

John B grins picking her up as she's doubled over and spinning her around, kissing her cheek as he does so. "Can you guys not?" Kie cuts in, causing them both to abruptly stop. 

"Get used to it," JJ mutters, raising his eyebrows and gesturing towards Kie as they both look for an explanation as to what they've done. 

Kie lets the comment slide as she blushes, furrowing her brow as she realizes she wasn't being subtle in her distaste towards the romantic affections within the friend group. It angers me, adding to the growing list of reasons why I wanted nothing to do with her right now as the group disperses a bit once again, John B informing us that we had about 20 minutes before we can go to get the food. 

But I didn't want her to leave me, she was part of my family. 

I scream internally, frustrated that my brain works the way it does in this moment as I watch her go inside to get a drink. 

A sudden clarity dawning on me as there was no point in holding back now, and so I tell JJ I'll be back in a moment before following her inside. 

I find her in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and watching her feet dangle over the edge. She was crying, I realize when she wipes her cheeks as she hears me come in, sniffling as she adverts her eyes. 

"Are you good?" I ask her. 

"Yea, I..." she pauses, before rolling her shoulders back and looking at me with more assurance, "it's just, I guess it feels like I'm started to get teamed up on, y'know, especially now that me and Pope decided that being a Pogue was more important than peruse a relationship. I feel... I feel like I'm being judged for it." 

I give her a blank look as her words sink in accidentally letting out a small laugh at Kie's statement once they do; "are you serious? I thought we had this conversation already, Kie. We aren't invalidating our friendship with one another by putting a relationship first, and the fact that you seriously can't handle John B picking his girlfriend up—" 

"—It's not that I can't handle it, I find it weird," Kiara clarifies. "It's like, weird for me that..." 

"That what? John B likes Sarah more than you?" The realization hits me around the same time I speak, "Kiara. You can't have them all." 

"What?" 

"You can't be all of their number one girl," I clarify, "you can't have them all." 

There was a reason why she could never fully commit to Pope, the same reason why she turned John B down that summer—getting with one of them would mean she wouldn't feel special to the other two, while at the same time she struggles with being the only one who doesn't have someone who'll comfort her the way JJ or John B does with me or Sarah. 

"C'mon, just admit it, it's a little weird," I add when she looks at me as though I was insane, "that you're still in denial about relationships that started months ago." 

"I'm not in denial, I'm fucking happy for both you and Sarah," Kie suddenly exclaims wildly, "how could you even suggest that I'm, what? Hoarding them all for me?" 

"You're happy for us?" I ask her, raising my voice to match hers. 

"Of fucking course I am!" 

"But you think me and JJ should break up," I conclude, the words I've wanted her to hear finally rushing out of me as I see her glance outside to see if she could find Pope. "Don't look for him," I add, "he didn't say anything, I overheard." 

"I-I didn't—"

"—You didn't say we should break up? Well, what about the part where you called me unhinged, and that I was going to break JJ because he couldn't handle me?" 

"Lexi..." 

I shake my head, letting the emotions rush out of me, "I wouldn't have cared, if you had just kept it simple by saying you were worried the longer that we go on, the more awkward it would be if we ended things. You're right, if me and JJ did break up, it would be weird," I tell her. "But you know what also makes things awkward? Calling your friend a fucking liability, ever think of that?" 

"You weren't meant to hear that, Lexi. I'm sorry." 

I pause, everything crashing into me and yet time simultaneously freezing as I choose my next words carefully, quickly nodding my head as if to absorb everything that I was hearing. "Trust me, Kiara. You hear things you aren't supposed to know all the time, my suggestion is that you try to not make it a habit among friends."

I know we're both thinking the same thing as she adverts her gaze, I know she's wondering if I know about the summer. 

"I'm sorry," she repeats, "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm not sure what else I can say." 

"I'm... not sure either," I finally say, "but I suggest you hold back on making any further comments about us, or else I might just suspect that there's something else going on—"

"—There's nothing going on, Lexi. You should trust that JJ—"

"—I trust JJ," I cut her off, "and I'm not saying the feelings are mutual because that would be a whole other issue. I'm just saying that you should tell me now before things get ugly, because once things get ugly you're right: it'd really fuck up the friend group." 

She was like my sister, she was still Kiara. She's still some of the only family I have; JJ's too. I think I could handle her telling me she has a crush, I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive her if she held back to wait, as if she'd have a chance to act on it. 

"There's nothing to tell." 

I study her for a moment longer, shaking my head slowly; "then act like it."

Chapter Text

**JJ**

It's not like we didn't hear them yelling at one another earlier, but to top it off it's now clear that Lexi and Kiara are avoiding one another after a car ride where neither of them say a word. Lexi's distress towards the whole thing was also much more obvious now, as she tended to go a few shades lighter whenever she's around people she doesn't want to be, and currently she was passing as a ghost. 

We sit outside the Haywards shop as he prepares the food, and I try my best to ignore it when Lexi excuses herself for a minute. I know she wants to be alone, but part of me wonders if she's the type of person who should be when she's upset, as she returns a few minutes later with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. 

She has those fingerless gloves on that hide her wrists, not that she would want me checking either way. 

It probably didn't help that everyone else was more or less in a good mood when she returns, even Kie smiling and making jokes despite the fact that we all knew she had gotten into a fight. Everyone heard them, it wasn't like she was fooling anyone. 

"You still wanna stay at the chateau?" I whisper as I pull Lexi close to me. 

She nods, "yah, I don't feel like going home." 

It scares me, I guess, just watching her struggle without knowing what to do or what'll happen. It's not exactly like I've forgotten what she had told me that day we went to see her mom. 

I also know that she's definitely not at that point where stuff like a TV playing in the background could take too much energy out of her, she was just... upset. I could tell in the way her eyes still opened all the way, and how she still speaks at a normal pace. 

I tune back into the conversation that I guess I hadn't noticed was happening before, just as Pope begins talking about splitting the money for the cross like we were going to do with the gold. I agree passively, knowing that I can't get my hopes up with that sort of thing. 

The first time we had been given hope, the gold had felt like my shot at getting even with the kooks—like a way to redeem myself to Lexi, even though being with her has shown me how money can't buy happiness, nor forgiveness. Her dad has tried both. 

Still, I can't help but feel like I'm ripping her off this way, and part of me is able to use that to convince me that I don't deserve her, even now. 

I snap out of my head, "and you'll all live happily ever after?" Someone asks, the voice startling me as I turn to see who had spoken before holding Lexi a little closer, the others taking a step back in surprise. 

Pope, however, takes a step forward. "You assaulted my father," he spits out, rage boiling behind his eyes as Carla Limbrey and her little bodyguard deny responsibility, brushing his comment off before going right back into business, resuming where I guess they had left off. 

"Listen, I don't have a choice, which means you don't either," Limbrey concludes, insisting that their negotiations must come to an end despite the fact that Pope had only found out about the key a couple of days ago, while all I'm thinking is that I hope John B remembers the plan. 

But just as my confidence begins to waver, John B doesn't disappoint as he calls out to her. "It's Limbrey, right? Is that right?" 

Her mouth practically waters as her eyes fall on the key in his hands, pulling it out so effortlessly I hadn't even noticed him getting into position. "Yes," she breathes out. 

"Is this what you're looking for?" 

"Yes it is." 

"Looking at the tide right now, I'd say it's about 20 feet deep out there," John B muses to himself, Lexi watching wordlessly as I partly wish I told her what was about to happen just so she can find it as entertaining as I am finding it right now. "So if I threw it in the channel, the probability of you finding it would be slim to none," John B concludes, "you wanna give it a shot? Lets see what happens, ready?" 

They both yell out as John B pretends to throw the key, chuckling to himself when he gets the reaction he had hoped for. 

"Get him to back the hell up," John B tells her, referring to the man that still lingers dauntingly close to Pope. 

"Of course," Limbrey says before turning to her watchdog, "backup." 

"The key," Lexi murmurs in my ear as she had glanced down to see Pope take the real out of his pocket. She watches my reaction as she makes sure I know what she's getting at; "you know?" 

I nod ever so slightly as I watch Pope negotiate the tape, John B pretending to wrestle with the fact that he's giving something important up that had come from his family. I watch Lexi's mouth twist to form a small smile, glancing over at the guy who now hangs back as she feels him turn to look at her. I swallow hard, and for a second I think he recognizes her just as Limbrey had before I watch where his gaze travels and feel her tense and quickly look away. 

I bite down on the inside of my cheek until I draw blood, and it takes everything in me to keep my composure, knowing now would be a poor time to loose it as I remind myself that there's always time to start conversations later. It was nothing, I tell myself, knowing that that's what Lexi will do as well, and I turn back as Pope reminds John B that this is about his dad, taking the key from his hand. 

"You're a good friend," Limbrey tells him, the group organizing the exchange to be done simultaneously, John B finally gets his hands on the tape at the end of it all. 

I watch them go, Pope going around to make sure they're actually leaving as John B moves in next to me. 

"How long do you think it'll take her to realize she has your father's old key?" I ask him.

"10 minutes," he fires back honestly. 

"Whose idea was the fake key?" Pope exclaims once he knows they're gone. 

"Shockingly not mine," Kie tells him. 

Lexi steps back as she see's John B slowly sling his arm around me, and I'm allowed to smile openly for the first time. "No way," Lexi gasps, hints of amusement in her eyes. 

"I don't know. Should we tell him?" John B asks me, my eyes glued to Lexi as she laughs at the expression I make, my noise scrunching as I try to hold back my smile. 

"Wow. I'm impressed," Kie says, "maybe you are good for something." 

"Did hell freeze over?" Pope adds, sliding into my side to wrap his arm around me. 

"Even a blind pig can find an acorn at times," I fire back as he shakes me in excitement, the others bursting into laughter as I look up to see Lexi's hand over her mouth as she watches me in amusement. "I actually don't know what that means, but I saw it on Reddit," I add, causing her to laugh openly this time and pull me into a hug as the others draw back. 

"Smart boy," she whispers once no one else can hear and John B's already moving to get the tape to Shoupe. 

"Hey, I have my moments," I chuckle as she gives me a quick kiss before following everyone to the van.

"Are you going to be okay with this?" I hear Lexi ask Sarah as she lags behind a bit. 

"Of course," she tells her, and I glance down to see her give Lexi's hand a little squeeze as they catch up to me and the others. "Let's do this," Sarah breathes out as everyone hops in. 

"You're doing the right thing," I assure her, "you'll see it in the long run." 

"Thanks, JJ," she tells me, her shoulders relaxing a bit and she sits back in her seat a little more as we start to drive. 

**^**

John B ended up delivering the evidence alone before we all went to the Chateau while we await any further developments. 

I sit with Lexi and the other guys, glancing over at her as she watches Kie talk to Sarah from the other room. I take her hand from under the table, her attention shifting back to me for a moment as my touch registers between her fingers, a small smile in her expression as she takes her other hand and places it on top of mine. 

I wanted to ask her what had happened between them, but I'm not sure if it'd be much help for me to know. 

I wanted to ask her if she had told Kie she knew what she had done at the end of the summer, but figure it'd be bad timing if that wasn't what this is about. 

I swear she looks like she's in pain. 

But just as I'm about to ask once agin if she's okay, she's leaving to the bathroom, and I let her hand slip out of mine as she walks away, my heart already beginning to beat faster as I watch her go. Should I have done more? I ask myself, should I follow her? 

"—JJ!" 

I turn to realize Pope and John B have been calling my name; "quit bouncing your leg like that, you're going to knock the table over." 

I glance down to see that I had, in fact, been bouncing my leg, my hand coming down to steady it as I let the palm flatten along my knee. "My bad," I apologize, while going back to wondering if I should see if Lexi was okay. 

"You good man?" 

"Yea, yea..." I trail off, giving the bathroom door another glance as I do so. 

"Do you know why Lexi and Kie are fighting?" 

I turn towards John B, realizing that it was obvious as to who I was looking for. "No, I don't, why?" 

"Lexi and Kie are fighting?" Pope asks. 

"Yea, Sarah told me she got weird vibes between them when she walked into the Chateau to get a snack."

Pope goes quiet, and something about the way he dismisses the topic has me turning to watch him closer. "Do you know something?" 

"No, I... w-what would I know?"

John B gives him the side eye; "we aren't going to torture it out of you, man. Just wondering. C'mon," he says after a moment, "how about another round of cards while we wait?" 

I mindlessly agree, but after another 2 minutes of waiting for her I can't take it and get up to find her. 

"Lexi?" I ask, knocking on the bathroom door, "Lexi? C-can I come in?"  I can hear my voice rising, blood pouring in my ears. 

"Yea." 

I step inside almost as soon as I hear that her quiet voice from the other side of the door, making sure to close it behind me as I turn to find her—my heart stopping for a solid second as I take in what I'm looking at, my lungs gasping for air even after I know it's all in my head. 

It's just her. 

It's just her crying in a bathtub, there was nothing else to it. But I swear, for a moment I thought I was looking at something else. 

"Jesus," she exclaims when she sees me, "do you need to get in the tub too? You look like you're about to pass out." 

I don't say anything, my body still numb as I slip in to sit on the other side, forced to spread my legs apart due to the size. "You just... scared me," I admit, my eyes glued to her as if I needed a constant reminder that it was all in my head. 

It seems to hit her then as to what I was referring to, as her brow softens a bit and she wets her lips. "If it makes you feel any better, I would try to off myself with everyone... around. At least I can't see myself doing that right now," she tells me, cringing a bit to herself when she realizes she might've been too casual about it. "And really," she adds, "it's... nothing like that." 

"Then what is it about?" I ask her, noticing how she's started to cry again, noticing her those gloves of hers now discarded to show her wrist that's now swollen by her side; the scars her mother had left from searing her flesh on a grill now inflamed and turning a dark-ish red. 

"I'll explain it all, just give me a second," she tells me, trying to compose herself as she repeats her promise. I watch her out of instinct bring her arm down to slam into the corner of the tub before either of us can register what she's doing, crying out when she's met with more pain then she had expected; the thoughtless movement forgetting her injury, like rubbing salt in a wound. 

It was so fast, it was so fast that neither of us could even react until she was gasping in pain. It was instinct. It was as if she hadn't even realized what she was doing. 

"I think that's sprained," I tell her truthfully. 

"I-I know, I did it earlier, I j-just... it's so stupid, and I'm so stupid," she gasps, refusing to meet my eye as she's almost embarrassed by what she's done, "because I was just trying to pull myself together. P-please don't be mad, please I, please I'm really sorry a-and..." 

"Hey, it's okay," I tell her, "I'm not mad. I'm not mad," I repeat as I try to think of what to say, "oh I'm sorry. I grabbed your hand earlier." 

"N-no, that didn't hurt," she assures me, but she was clearly in a great deal of pain now—sweat beading along her forehead as her body goes back into shock. 

"Okay, well... we should probably put s-some ice—" my voice breaks a bit, her head lifting to look at me as I'm met with my own tears welling in my eyes. "Oh fuck, m'sorry," I breathe out, watching as she sits up and moves to sit in my lap, her arms wrapping around my neck as we embrace. 

"I just don't like seeing you hurt." 

And I thought you were dead in this tub when I had walked in, I add silently to myself. So anything other than that has been quite the release of emotions for me. 

She finally pulls away, "can I tell you later? I promise I will... I just can't stop crying every time I try to get the story together," she tells me. "I'm just really emotional right now, but l-later... later I'll tell you." 

"Of course, baby. C'mon, why don't we get some ice for your wrist." 

I help her stand, times like this make me note how frail she was compared to the summer, something that often goes unnoticed as it's more in her complexion than her physic; in how her fingers were almost blue, how she's forced to use me to steady herself when she goes to move too quickly. 

Pope and John B are instantly asking me what was wrong as they notice me first while I'm marching right to the kitchen. 

"She sprained her wrist earlier, tried to treat it without telling anyone," I grit out as I stare blankly at the backsplash rather than turning to look in the direction they're in, as there's a moment where I start to loose it again and tears threaten to fall. 

"What?" 

I'm able to pull myself together before turning to John B as he appears behind me, "yea," I say, "she didn't want to bother us."

"Is she okay?" 

"I'm fine Johnny boy," Lexi assures him as she overhears him when stepping into the kitchen, "just embarrassed I sprained my fucking wrist. Then got all woozy when I tried running it under cool water in the bathroom." 

"Yea, cause it fucking hurts," John B fires back, taking the ice I had taken out of the freezer and putting it on her wrist for her, "Lexi! Don't do that." 

"What'd she do?" 

"Sprained my wrist," she tells Pope, whose instantly inspecting her injury and asking her if she's okay. 

"I'm going to get you some Advil, alright?" He tells her, reappearing a few seconds later with a couple red pills. 

"Thanks, you're a saint," she tells him, grinning weakly as she swallows them dry, "no pun intended." 

"Well, I'm glad your god awful humour hasn't been effected." 

I make her lie down for a bit while the swelling goes down, tucking her into the spare bedroom before rejoining the others outside. 

"Sarah and Kie don't want to join?" I ask as I see they're still outside. 

"I think Sarahs processing it all," John B tells me, "best not to disturb them." 

I don't ask why he doesn't check to see if she's okay as I sit down again, trying to focus back on the game we had been playing. "Is Lexi okay?" John B finally asks me, not bothering to start the game up just yet. 

I keep my eyes on the table so that I don't burst into tears, "dude, this is supposed to be your happy moment, don't ruin it," I tell him. 

"Is that why she didn't tell anyone about her wrist?" John B shakes his head when I don't say anything, "JJ. I want to know if something is wrong." 

"What's wrong?" Sarah asks as she hears us from outside. 

"Lexi sprained her wrist," I tell her without turning around, "she'll be fine, don't worry about it." I stare down at my cards, just because my next few words were hard to spit out as I hear Sarah go back to her conversation with Kie. "Lexi says you and Sarah got married in your hearts," I tell John B, "how'd you reckon a plan like that?" 

John B chuckles, glancing over at Sarah whose oblivious to the attention. "I don't know man, just in the moment." 

"Why?" 

"Cause I want to spend the rest of my life with her." 

"If you want to spend the rest of your life with her than tell her you want to spend the rest of your life with her," I argue, "isn't that the best way to tell her that?" 

"But anyone can say that," John B points out, "and it felt more... symbolic." 

"That's... a ridiculous way of looking at things," Pope tells him. 

"Okay Spock, lets simmer down with the pessimism," John B fires back, and I can't help but chuckle at his reaction. "Why'd you ask, JJ?" 

"W-what? Oh, I don't know," I quickly rush out, playing my hand as I start talking about Ward in an attempt to change the subject; raising my voice at the slightest excitement to keep the good mood from leaving the room. 

I go on like this for a few minutes, yet I'll admit I'm half grateful for Sarah as she rushes in to tell us that they're coming for Ward now. 

"I'll tell Lexi," I say to them as everyone's getting up and rushing to the van. 

She's lying down as she blankly stares at her wrist that's wrapped in a cold pack, her eyes briefly shifting to me as she hears me come in. 

"You don't have to go," I tell her after explaining what was going on, but she's already sitting up. 

"Nah, I... wanna be there for Sarah," she insists, the swelling in her wrist beginning to go down after the Advil and ice kicked in. 

John B's yelling at us to hurry up as we head to the car. 

"Yea yea," I hastily grumble as we get in, "quit it with this hostility." 

Clearly, John B doesn't listen, the tension in the van thick as we drive, making it fees like an eternity between the Chateau and Tannyhill.

We go around to the side, quickly realizing that the wall limits a great deal of visibility to whatever's going down. It was one of those moments where rationality kicks in for just a second, and you get this bad feeling in your stomach as you realize how badly this could go. But I push the thought away, figuring that I was letting other stresses get in the way.

We climb over the barrier, Lexi first asking if this really was a good idea—to trespass an active crime scene—but John B tells her he doesn't care, and so all she can do is shake her head and follow. She must've gotten that feeling too as she gives me a weary look, keeping my pace as we first find Wheezie per Sarahs request. 

Wheezie's running out of the house when she sees her sister. "What's going on? Why are the police here, again?" She asks as Sarah embraces her. 

"Go inside, and don't come out," Sarah instructs her, holding her for a second longer before pushing her towards the house. 

Wheezie starts to protest, crying out as Sarah continues to insist, but another voice beckons her back inside. "C'mon Wheeze," Laurie says as he steps outside, Sarah doing a double take in surprise as she wasn't expecting to find Laurie, of all people, at her house—the shock clearly not keeping her from being oblivious to everything. "I've got her," he tells Sarah in a lower voice, "don't worry about it." 

His assurance lets us go down to the docks, following the same path the cops appear to be taking, which brings us parallel to where Ward sat on his boat. 

Everything moves fast, and nothing really feels like it was really happening right now, as this day had been some fantasy that seemed unachievable till this moment.

"Sarah?" Ward recognizes, the confidence in him leaving as he sees her, "what are you doing here Sarah?" 

Something in the way he asks has me wondering if we should be watching this, in the way he frantically begs her to go, all of it making me uneasy. A thought dawns on me, and some part of me wonders how big of a chance there there was that he had no plans on turning himself in. "Just come on in, and you can talk to her," Shoupe tells Ward as he continues to insist on her not watching this. 

I think Sarah begins to realize the situation as well, as she nervously glances back at Lexi; "what's he doing?" Sarah asks her. 

"Sarah... maybe you should go back," Lexi murmurs, her eyes wide as everything, now, was almost too real, the world now moving too slow as all we can do is watch the situation play out. 

"No. I-I'm not leaving." Sarah turns back as she hears her dad begin to apologize as he draws the anchor up in the process. "Dad, what are you doing?" She calls out, "dad, no, no, no!"

"Please don't leave!" She screams, Ward telling her he loves her before rushing into the cabin. 

I don't know what she was expecting, but Ward blowing his ship to bits definitely came as a surprise. 

I jump back as the boat suddenly bursts into flames, the sound starling everyone as the dock has to adjust to the shift in everyone's weight. I turn to make sure Lexi is okay, reaching out to grasp her shoulder in a protective manner before giving in and pulling her into my arms. 

"Sarah," she mutters, as we hear the piercing cry over the noise of the debris hitting the water. 

I let her move to be by her friends side, forced to watch in shock as it the last of My Druthers sinks to the bottom of the marsh.

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

"John B didn't want to stay with Sarah?" I ask JJ once John B was out of earshot and we were back at the chateau. 

"I guess he thought it'd be weird," JJ tells me, shrugging a little indifferently, "the whole thing is just... a bad situation." 

"I'd still want to be with you," I tell him, "I think it would hurt me if you had just stood there like John B had." 

"Yea... dudes in shock—"

"—I know," I quickly tell him, "I don't think he did anything wrong, I'm just saying..." 

"Yea, I know," JJ cuts in, "it felt weird to watch, I don't know how he could just leave her there." 

He lets me go about my nighttime routine, as I didn't like going to bed without at least washing my face. When I come back, I see JJ's already made himself comfortable in the guest bed, grinning when he sees that I'm wearing his clothes to bed. 

"Hey," he murmurs once I'm lying down next to him, pausing to make sure I'm comfortable, "wanna talk about earlier?" 

I knew it was coming, and I'm partly grateful that he was the only who brought it up as I would've let it slide until he did, even if I wanted to tell him. "I heard Kie talking about me," I admit, even those words alone granting me a bit of relief as I let them roll off my tongue. 

"Talking about you?" 

"Talking about us," I clarify, "but directing most of the cheap shots towards me." 

"Wh-why?" 

"Good fuckin' question," I laugh humourlessly, "I guess she thinks we shouldn't be together... that I'm... unhinged, and I'll break you because you can't handle me." 

"She said that?" JJ asks, not expecting her to be so cut-throat, "s-she thinks we should, what? Breakup?" 

"Yea, something like that," I tell him; tasting bile. 

"Are you okay?" 

"One of the only people who I've ever called my family literally thinks I'm a burden to my fucking boyfriend, and I don't even know what I did to deserve it," I tell JJ, "so no. I'm not doing wonderful with that thought constantly in my mind." 

"She had no reason to speak about you in that way," JJ tells me, the shock beginning to wear off and replace itself with anger, "and the fact that she's talking shit about a relationship that isn't hers is fucking ridiculous." 

"That's what we were arguing about earlier, I uh... called her jealous and a bunch of other things, I honestly wanted to tell her that I knew about what had happened between you two in the summer," I explain as JJ's now sitting upright in anger. "S-she's been like this since I've been back, J. Not necessarily blatantly aggressive towards me, but, weird whenever we are together. I-I couldn't take it anymore, and it hurt to feel so sick when I'd see her and she would just continue to be oblivious to my pain." 

JJ runs his hands through his hair as he tries to process everything I'm rambling on about, my words making him re-think everything he knew about his relationship with her. "It's like I said, she's like family to me," I add, saddened by the very thought. 

"She's... I saw her in the same way," JJ admits, his voice sounding a little far away as he continues to contemplate it all. "I can't believe it was this bad," JJ finally says, still stunned by what I've told him, "I really thought she felt the same way about us." 

"I think she thinks that way about you." 

"Lexi..." 

"It was directed at me," I insist, "I'm not saying... anything. But, she doesn't want to fight for your attention, she's never had to fight for your attention before." 

"Then what about all that shit with Pope, you know me and him talked a bit about what happened, and it wasn't like she handled that with much grace," JJ points out, "it has to all be connected." 

"She told me she wanted to feel wanted when I asked her why she was stringing Pope along. Maybe she feels neglected, or maybe... jealous." 

He doesn't brush my comment off so casually this time, his jaw set in a storm of emotions as I see him struggle with what to say. I take the side of his face, sitting up so that I can tuck myself into his arms. "What do you wanna do about it?" JJ finally asks, "cause I think I wanna say something about the way she's treated you."

"We gotta wait for all this stuff with Ward to die down first. Trust me, she'll use anything as an excuse not to talk about things," I explain to him, "for now, all we can do is go to bed." 

He lets himself drop back down onto his back, and I consequently lie down with him. "Yea, I like that idea," JJ tells me, "it's been a long fucking day." 

"That it has," I agree, "we have all of tomorrow to figure things out." 

"G'night, love," he sighs before kissing my cheek, and I smile at the gesture and bid goodnight to him as well. 

I let myself drift off, exhaustion taking over the second I let myself feel it.

The next morning, we slowly make our way down to the dock, noticing John B already there as he clearly still hasn't processed everything that's happened yet. 

"He deserved it, right?" JJ tries to assure his friend, no one quite comfortable with the idea of being eye-witnesses to someone getting blown to bits. 

"Are you joking?" Kie says as she watching's JJ cast a line into the water, "of course he deserved it." 

JJ looks to me, my head shaking ever so slightly and so he refrains from bringing up what he wants to. 

"Never seen anyone blow themselves up like that," Pope mutters. 

"Cross that one off my bucket list." 

"JJ!" Kie scolds, gesturing to John B as he stares into the water. 

"Oh," JJ realizes, "yea. It does suck for Sarah." 

"I wonder how she's doing," I say, thinking out loud. "I might go over to try and find her later." 

"Can Laurie check on her?" JJ asks me, "Rafe is out of jail now and..." 

"Sarah was the one who was nearly killed by the guy, and she's with him," I point out, "I'll be fine." 

I watch Kie as she lets her hand fall on John B's back, "are you okay?" 

"It's not me I'm worried about," John B tells her. "And I'm not sure if going over the Tannyhill will do anything." 

"It could show that we care," I point out, "that we know that even if Ward was this horrible person, that we're still here to support her if she wants to grieve." 

John B just continues to stare off into nothing, slowly shaking his head as he thinks; "I'm not sure if she can feel comfortable grieving around me." 

I hadn't though of it that way before, but as I think on it for a moment it kinda makes sense, why he's okay with letting her be on her own. 

"I guess we should start getting ready for going to school tomorrow, we don't exactly have an excuse not to go now," Pope points out, "and I am SO behind on everything." 

I groan inwardly, as just the thought of it makes me want to curl up into a ball and never move again. I didn't want to admit that I was starting to feel bad again, but even now that John B was back and everything was supposed to be great—I didn't feel that way. Sure, the Kie thing didn't help, but it wasn't just that, it was like my brain has slowly decided to stop working with no real reason why. 

It was annoying, mostly, because I didn't want to put JJ through that again. 

I try to think back to the summer, as it wasn't like I had nothing bad going on in my life, and yet, I was more or less able to control it better. I think I knew the answer why I wasn't like that anymore, I think it lied with that feeling I got when I walked into see my mom bleeding out of her neck, in how she begged me to leave her and forget this ever happened. In the envy I felt for her that day, in the guilt that followed those emotions. 

I know that I should be on something other than the anxiety meds for panic attacks, especially since my dissociation has never mixed well with Xanax; to the point where I don't even think I'm supposed to be taking them, and that it was just a easy way to get me to not cause a problem.

But the anti-depressants I've tried made me feel all floaty and weird, and I have a bad habit of accidentally putting myself in danger whenever I try them. I don't want to think about the other options, as I know there are more out there than SSRI's, and I know that ever time I get my prescriptions filled they try to suggest something else when I say I can't take them. 

But, that scares me almost as much as getting sick does. Because it would mean that I already am. 

We end up going inside to work on a bit of homework, as crazy as it sounds, because Pope was right—we were all incredibly behind. 

John B opts out of it, staying down by the water while everyone else tries to get caught up with their classes. Which was a little hard to do in one day. 

We decide it's enough as the sun begins to set, Kie throwing some fish in the oven for a late dinner as Pope goes down to talk with John B. 

"What do you think they're talking about?" Kie asks us when she glances out to see they've been talking quietly for a while now. 

JJ just shrugs, "should we go and find out?" 

"I was going to smoke anyways," Kie tells him, "everything still feels so out of sorts for me." 

She glances over at me, going to say something as I turn to look down at my phone before closing her mouth and asking if we want to join.

It's clear that Pope and John B are both wallowing when we get there, which of course prompts JJ to go into saviour mode and do everything to try and up the mood a bit. "Hot potato, hot potato, hot potato," he repeats with every can of beer he throws towards them, "what are you guys doing down here? Having a good cry." 

I snort at how blunt JJ is, and how John B and Pope both try to cover their obvious states to save their dignity. 

"Me and Sarah... we fought. Might be broken up now," John B explains when I ask him what's wrong. 

"You know it's not your fault, dude," Kie tells him. 

"You think she'll come around?" 

"Yea, she's one of us." 

"Don't worry about it, Johnny boy," I add with a smile, "she couldn't go back to that kook life if she tried, now." 

John B thinks for a second before chuckles softly to himself; "Sarah's a pogue." 

I laugh at his reaction, "through and through." 

I find JJ's eyes as I can feel him watching me, and I don't let my smile waver despite the fact that he clearly doesn't notice how close Kie is as she smokes a joint. I wonder if it was the same joint she wanted them to smoke a few days ago, but either way, I walk back up the dock and ask for a hit, turning my body so that she's forced to take a step away from JJ. 

"Yea, of course Lex," she tells me, and I listen to John B ramble on as I take a hit. 

"—I'm going to do a backflip." 

It was the first words I catch from his long monologue, cocking my head to one side as I try to figure out if I heard him correctly. "A backflip?" 

"Yup." 

Everyone else is calling his bluff, but he hands Pope his beer and fully commits to his declaration, hitting the water with a splash. We cheer, eventually going back inside for some dinner before final thoughts by the fire. 

"You sure you wanna stay over again?" JJ asks. 

I think on it for a second, knowing we hadn't been home for a while now, but nod as an idea comes to mind. "Why?" I ask in a low voice, "what were you thinking of doing at our place." 

JJ looks away with a smile, scrunching his face as he pretends to think, "I don't know, some privacy would be nice." 

"We have privacy here," I point out. 

"Yea?" JJ's smile widens as he thinks on it, "we'd have to be... quiet." 

"I'm sure we can find ways of accomplishing that," I fire back, prompting JJ to quickly stand and pull me up with him, abruptly bidding everyone goodnight and practically carrying me back to the chateau. "Goodnight guys!" I call out before I dragged out of earshot and into the house. 

It doesn't stop me from taking my time getting ready for bed, JJ following me around for a bit before giving up and waiting for me in bed. When I do join him, he acts surprised to see me; "what brings you to my chambers at this hour, malady?" 

"Wanted something to suck on," I tell him, crawling onto the bed and stopping right at his hips, lowering my head down to his crotch. "Hey. I found something." 

He laughs as I begin to suck him off, "you are... such a little slut, aren't you?" He teases as he senses my enjoyment. 

I briefly pop my head up, "hey. I could do this all day," I tell him, the distinct sound of the front door opening as he groans a bit. 

"You kids clean up after yourselves!" John B yells from the other room, "I fucking mean it." 

"Don't worry about us!" JJ calls back, pulling me up his body as he speaks, "it'll be like no one was even here." 

"And I swear, one more noise from that room..." 

"Yea, yea," JJ laughs, "and you have fun by yourself tonight, buddy." 

"Oh, fuck you!" 

I laugh as we hear the door to John B's room abruptly slam shut, muffled as JJ kisses me. I let him turn me onto my back, and I savour every moment we're together as he takes his time fucking me. I knew it was obvious as to what we were doing, I wanted it to be. I wanted the odd noise to slip between our lips, JJ slamming his hand over my mouth when I do just a wonderful bonus. 

It wasn't like I was trying to make noise, that would be fucking weird. But I just continued to enjoy his company as I always do. 

After, I find Kie in the living room, already asleep. But as I come out of the washroom minutes later, I swear I see the gleam of her eyes. 

**^**

The next day, we're awoken by Popes alarm, telling us that it's time to get ready for school. 

I groggily pull myself out of bed, listening to the odd complaint as Pope talks about a test while I'm walking into the bathroom. I'm slowly waking up as I sit on the toilet for a little longer than I had needed, finally sitting up as I rub my eyes, blindly turning on the tap to wash my hands. 

But when I turn to look at myself in the reflection, now properly awake and able to sense the world around me, I burst into tears. 

I'm more shocked than anything as I begin to sob uncontrollably, forced to hold the corners of the sink for support as I try to figure out why I'm like this. 

The only thing I could think of was that I really didn't want to go to school. 

JJ's asking me what's wrong when he notices the fact that I'm unable to pull myself together. "I don't know," I tell him between small gasps of me trying to catch my breath, "I don't know." 

When we do get to school, I can barely concentrate for more than a minute with the world feeling like it was starting to strangle the life out of me, and so when I excuse myself to the bathroom during my second period class I'm forced to switch my ring to my middle finger. 

It makes me cry more, because now I feel bad about it all as well. It had only been like a week or so since I went through my last episode, this can't be the same thing again, right? How could my brain be THAT dysfunctional. 

I cave after a good ten minutes, and text JJ, telling him that I think I was going to just head home; knowing he'll join me. 

At least when I finally walk through that front door, I feel a bit more at ease. 

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" JJ asks me, as I insist I must just be getting a migraine or something. He makes a smoothie anyways, watching me drink it as he sips one for himself. 

"Do you hear that?" I ask as I put the empty glass down, as I swear I hear a crash coming from the main house. 

JJ pauses for a second, "is you're..." 

"My moms still in the hospital," I say, thinking for a second. "Jesus, she's still in the hospital. That's... never happened. She always comes out too early." 

There's another crash, and the noise has me jolting to my feet in surprise. "I think I'm going to go check on it," I tell him, "you stay here, okay?" 

"W-wait," JJ tells me, reaching out to steady my hand, "are you sure?" 

"Yes, I'm sure," I tell him. 

"I'll give you 5 minutes, okay? I'm coming over after 5 minutes." 

I nod, rushing off to investigate what's making that noise as I hear it again—this time followed by my dads voice. My feet falter, my instincts knowing to avoid that sound by now, and I consider going back and just calling the police; but I don't. 

Because if my mom really wasn't home, than the only person he could be talking to was Laurie. 

I step through the double glass doors, the ones that look out to the water from the backyard.

And then, I'm frozen, my breath caught in my throat. 

Panic surges through me, the blood rushing from my head and my heart plummets as I take in what I'm looking at, fighting the urge to double over as my stomach contracts. 

"Dad?" I half-cry, forcing him to look up at me, my brother slumped against a wall, blood seeping through his shirt, his eye already swollen shut. 

My dad turns to me as I take a step forward, my ears ringing as Laurie isn't responsive to my presence, my hands numb as I bring them to cover my mouth. "He wouldn't fight back," my dad says, his voice gruff and a little trance-like, like he wasn't fully there, "this is what you get for not fighting back." 

I take another step towards Laurie, and my heart stops as I watch Laurie's body goes limp and slide down the wall he was leaning against and onto the floor, nausea washing over me as I hear a gargling sound from the back of his throat. I pick up on a high whine that's barely audible as it echos off the walls, and realize after a moment that I was the one who made it, and my voice does it again without me being able to control it. 

"Hey!" 

I can't take my eyes off of Laurie, my dad's voice so far away I don't even acknowledge it, but when I reach out to touch my brother I'm thrown into the kitchen island. 

"You fucking look at me when I'm talking to you," my dad practically yells, a sharp pain radiated from the side that took most of the impact. I try taking a breath, crying out as my torso spasms and I lurch forward, my body trembling as my muscles reel from trying to work through the stabbing sensation that's spreading to my entire body. 

"What did you do to him," I gasp out, another wave of realization crashing into me as I begin to react, "please, he needs help." 

I silently beg for Laurie to get up, to walk it off as he always does, and I start to sob as the shock begins to wear off and my emotions rip through me. "Dad," I weep as he only glances over at his sons broken body, "dad, please." 

"Oh, for fuck sakes, Lexi! He did this to himself," my dad grits out, telling me get onto my feet, but my legs are too numb to work and I half-worry he had paralyzed me. But when he pulls me up, I realize I was overwhelmed. "All you kids EVER do, all you kids ever do is do it to yourselves," my dad breathes out, clearly annoyed by the unbroken noise coming from my mouth, a high pitched moan I can't seem to stop myself from making as I feel frantic, as I feel absolutely delirious every time I get the chance to look at Laurie's body. 

My dad hits me; hard. 

It feels like all of my teeth are getting knocked out from the impact, like when he lets go of me I'll just fall to the ground. 

I stumble backwards, wondering if he broke my cheekbone as I tentatively raise my hand to touch the area, not even able to register how much pain I'm in despite feeling the impact with every bone in my body. 

I expect for him to come at me again, but this time he hesitates before slamming an open hand against my jaw, not breaking it this time as he steps backwards in mild confusion, in realization of what he's done. 

But even as clarity begins to fill his eyes, all he does is turn away. "Clean up the mess you made," he tells me as he leaves the house, the sound of the door slamming behind him enough for my body to stumble to Lauries, begging him to open his eyes as I take in the damage. 

I feel it all hit me, and this time it isn't like a shot to the head, but a wave that swallows me whole again and again. My knees buckle beneath me, and I don't feel the tears anymore as I begin to check Laurie's vitals, my hands shaking so bad as I convulse with every breath, sobbing in panic, in fear, in agony as that final cord in me snaps. 

And then, I'm screaming, because crying no longer feels like enough, and I can't feel his breath as I let my ear hover over his mouth. 

All I can hear is that noise, that gargling sound that almost makes it seem as if he's... choking. 

"Lexi?" 

I jump back before I realize it's JJ in the entrance, his eyes wide as I try to tell him what's going on, but all I can do is cry out as he moves to be next to me. 

"Lexi, oh my God. Oh my God," JJ repeats, trying to stop me as I begin to move him. 

"No, NO," I insist, trying to find a sentence to use as I try to shove him away, but can settle on one word—choking. 

He hears the sound now, going icy pale as he helps me get Laurie into semi-prone, and I let out another sob when the gargling noise stops, rushing to check his airway. 

"I'm calling 911," he tells me, his voice shaky as he tries to keep it together,  "don't worry okay, okay Lexi? I'm getting help." 

I don't respond, my head rolling as it suddenly feels to heavy for my neck to hold, my voice cutting out as JJ keeps calling my name, keeps asking me to stay with him. Everything feels as though it's been lit on fire, my body continuing to spasm with every breath I take, my brain trying to reject what I'm looking at as I see what Laurie was choking on. 

Blood begins to trickle from his lips, a bit even coming out of his nose. 

I have about 3 seconds to realize I'm about to throw up, and I use two of them to get away from Laurie before hurling into a houseplant.

Chapter Text

**JJ**

I help the paramedics get into the house when they come, and I have to pry Lexi off of her brother so that they could take him, holding her back she insists she needed to help him. 

She was hysterical as I hold her, every inhale sounding like she was coming up for air after being held underwater for too long, her hands covered in blood from trying to keep Laurie's mouth open, and from the gash she had in the side of her head—the one she had no memory of as she had focused on the broken ribs. 

To top it off, I get in shit as I guess I was supposed to specify that there was more than one injured, as only one ambulance was called to the scene and it wasn't customary to have more than one person receive treatment in one vehicle. 

The more you know, I guess this all would've been helpful when I was trying to break John B out of jail. 

I watch them work on Laurie as we drive to the hospital, sticking tubes and other electrical devices into him so that they can watch his vitals and begin draining the blood that had gotten in his lungs, a result of what they believe to be a decent blow to the ribs—the impact collapsing his lung. 

There's a police officer with us, as he had been first on the scene and was now patching the side of Lexi's head up, asking her to explain what happened to the best of her abilities. 

But all she can do is cry, her eyes erratic, shifting, as she tries to make sense of everything, wide as she watches what they're doing to her brother. 

I wasn't supposed to be sitting a few feet away from her, as I guess they worry about bystanders getting in the way, but I can't help myself and move to be closer, wrapping my arms—carefully—around her as touch is often the only thing she responds to when under stress. "You have all the time in the world to talk about it," I tell her, "just try to take a deep breath, okay? You need to breathe for me." 

It was the first time I actually watch her get a proper amount of oxygen into her lungs, the officer letting me stay to comfort her once he sees how it's helped. 

"D-did t-they..." she takes another breath, my body relaxing a bit when I hear proper words coming from her lips, "did they f-find my, find my dad."  

"Your dad?" 

I had a suspicion, but her question alone seems to confirm it, filling me with a certain anger that takes my breath away as I sit with the knowledge for a moment. 

She nods slowly, watching her brothers helpless body as the paramedic calls the hospital to schedule emergency surgery. 

"Your dad," the officer repeats, "where was your dad." 

"I found him there," Lexi tries, but starts to cry again and has to take a couple of seconds to steady her breath, "you look at my brothers knuckles, and you'll see that he didn't try to fight back. He didn't—" her voice cuts out by a silent sob that escapes her. 

"Your dad did this to you and your brother?" The officer asks, clearly needed a proper statement, but glances over at the others to see their jarred reactions. 

"H-he... he gets mad sometimes," she tries to tell him, "he c-can't help himself... he's sad cause of my mom." 

Don't fucking defend him, I want to tell her, but all I can do is keep rubbing her back, keep telling her its going to be okay, and that she was okay now. 

But she wasn't, none of this was okay, and nothing could have prepared us for what happens next. 

It was a good thing that I had moved to be closer, as the officer wouldn't have had enough time to get to her when Laurie codes, the sickening sound filling the space around us as the line that shows his heartbeat goes flat. 

It feels like everyone stops moving for a second when he does, like there was a delay from when the heart monitor flatlines to when it strikes us. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget her scream when it hits her, fighting with everything she had to get out of my arms as the officer tells me to keep her away from the body. 

The body, as if it wasn't even a person anymore. 

"No, no JJ please," she shrieks, "pleasepleasePLEASE let me see him! PleaseIneedtoseehim!" 

I just say her name, over and over again despite the fact that her voice drowns most of what I'm saying out, a single tear falling down the side of my face as I watch the modulated voice of the defibrillator tell everyone to stand clear before Lauries body jolts upward from getting shocked by the paddles. 

"I hate you," she's telling me, "I hate you, I HATE YOU! Let me GO!" 

"You don't mean that," I murmur, trying to hold myself together despite my lungs no longer working properly. "You don't mean that," I say again to assure myself that she wasn't in her right mind. 

I've never been more grateful to feel the vehicle come to a halt, letting the doctors escort Laurie out before someone's helping me hold Lexi steady. 

I don't notice them stick the needle in her until she goes limp in my arms, and it almost feels like I've been sedating too, finding it hard to move when they take her from me as my limbs suddenly feel heavy. 

"Wait," I mutter, suddenly reaching out to stop the nurse as she goes to leave with her in a stretcher, "please. I need to go with her." 

She gives me a sympathetic look, and beacons for me to follow her. 

"The sedative will only last 30 minutes," she tells me, "can you give me a list of medication she is currently on?" 

I think for a moment, "stuff she's supposed to take, or stuff she actually takes?" 

"Anything that could be currently in her bloodstream, and might affect the effects of the sedative." 

"I don't think she's taken her medication recently," I tell the nurse. 

"Right, well then. I'm going to give you this," she tells me, handing me a bundle of forms for me to take, "so anything she's been prescribed you can make a note of it here—and these pretty much cover everything else." She pauses, "this is going to be the room she stays in—"

"—woah, woah, a room? She should be good to go once she wakes up and gets some drugs for her ribs."

"The officer thinks she's suffered a concussion," the nurse tells me, "and she'll need to be in a separate room for when she's stable and can give a statement to the police." 

"Oh." 

She transfers her to the bed, and leaves me alone with her after fixing her to the machine, the only noise I can hear once she close's the door was the steady beat of Lexi's heart. I was alone with her, and it felt weird after everything that's happened. 

I glance down at the papers, instinctively going to my phone to ask Laurie for help before realizing: I wasn't going to get a response. 

I slowly move as I read the papers so that I'm sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, reaching out to hold Lexi's hand as I can't help but be terrified for how this will all hit her when she wakes up. 

C'mon Laurie, I silently pray, please don't fucking die. 

The nurse comes back sometime later; "you're going to need to get some of the info from Lexi," I tell her, "but that's everything I know." 

Her smile falters slightly as she glances over the paperwork, which was a little weird, and I nervously ask if there was something wrong. 

She looks at me differently when she meets my eye, her gaze hardening as if she had turned into a different person. "No, no," she tells me after the second, "she should be waking up shortly, and I'm sure I can get her dad to fill out the rest." 

I go still, replaying what she tells me a second time over in my head, just to make sure I was hearing her correctly. "Hey dad?" I finally manage to ask. 

"Yes, well, once he's cleared up all that stuff with the police," she adds. 

"So, he'll be doing it behind a jail cell," I retort. 

She looks at me, and for a moment I see a mourning behind her eyes before she turns away without saying another word. 

At least she was right about one thing, as sure enough Lexi wakes up a few minutes later. 

"Wha—" her voice accompanied by a great deal of confusion before her eyes land on me. She grinds her teeth together as it hits her, whispering "no" over and over again until the grief becomes too much and her murmurs turn to cries. It was like I could see the memories getting replayed in her head, like her eyes held little projectors that let me know what she was thinking before she's dropping her head and curling up into my arms. 

 She apologizes to me after a few minutes of us sitting like this, tears rolling down her cheeks as she begins to assure me that she doesn't hate me. 

"Well that's good, cause I was beginning to worry," I joke, turning to lie down next to her on the bed until the doctor comes to patch her up. 

The doctor was a nice enough woman, who had a little sticker on her coat that said Dr. Sable in colourful letters, the 'D' and the 'S' shaped to look like different animals. "I'm usually on the paediatric floor," she explains when Lexi asks about it, "but we're a little short staffed today so I'm working trauma. Can you lift your arms up for me, sweetie?" 

Lexi does as she says, and Dr. Sable wraps her ribs so that she could be relieved of some of her pain, well, on top of the drugs the nurse had given her. 

She moves to the gash on Lexi's forehead next, getting one of the interns to give her a few stitches while she calls someone down to do a concussion check. 

I don't even notice how I'm not paying attention to what Dr. Sables saying until I don't hear her address me, as all I had been listening to was the heart monitor they had hooked Lexi up to, which had been assuring me with every beep that she was going to be okay. 

"Sorry?" 

"You found her with all of this?" 

"Yes. In the kitchen." 

Dr. Sable pauses, "where are the stairs in your house?" 

"They're at the front of my house, you'd see them walking through the front door," Lexi cuts in to tell her, "was that one of the tests for my concussion?" 

The doctor laughs, before turning back to me. "You came through the front door?" 

"No, the back." 

I refrain from making the obvious joke, which Lexi clearly catches as she shoots me a look. 

"Which is where the kitchen is." 

"I'm not the one with the head injury," I snap before I can help myself, trying to keep it at least partly together as I quickly tire from this odd set of questions. "Sorry," I add, "yes. The kitchen is right by the back door." 

"That's not the story I got from her dad." 

"Well her dad dipped pretty quickly when he realized what he did, I can imagine he would say something like that," I fire back, glancing over at Lexi as her bottom lip begins to tremble. "How do you think this all happened?" 

"Her dad said they both fell down the stairs." 

"They fell down the stairs?" I want to laugh, but keep a sober expression, "they fell down the stairs. That's what he's saying." 

Dr. Sable doesn't say anything after that, leaving the specialist to confirm that Lexi did, in fact, have a pretty decent concussion—and he suggests an MRI to make sure there wasn't any bleeding in the brain. 

"Seriously? That bad?" She jokes, "or is it cause everyone thinks I'm lying." 

It was then that I realized that we were far from being in the clear, as the second we're left alone she can't keep her eyes open. "M'sorry," she tells me, "but as these meds start to wear off, I'm really starting to get a headache." 

"Yea, of course," I tell her, lying down next to her once again and letting her rest her head on my chest, stroking her hair as she drifts off. 

I want to check and see how Laurie's doing, but don't want to leave her alone. I don't want to feel so helpless in all this, as that's how I've started to feel. 

I call Pope, realizing that I had completely forgotten that I did have support to help us through all of this. 

"Pope?" 

"JJ! I've called you like 20 times. Where are you?" 

I pause, turning to look at the girl tucked into my arms and for a moment my emotions overcome me, giving Pope time to repeat his question with a bit more urgency. 

"Are you at the chateau?" I finally ask him. 

"Yea. Sarah's here. Her and John B have been talking for like an hour now, arguing in circles... I think at some point they just sat next to each other in silence." 

"Yea?" 

"Yea, sounds like John B's playing the marriage card, telling her not to give up and all—wait! None of this matters. Where are you?" 

I hear my voice break slightly, and Pope clearly does too as he's asking if I'm okay. "It's not me," I finally explain, "it's... do you think you guys could come down to the hospital, it'll be easier to explain in person." 

Pope agrees almost instantly, assuring me we'll talk soon before hanging up, and once again, leaving me to try and keep myself calm. 

When Lexi wakes up the second time, she's in a significant amount of pain, asking the nurse to get something for the pain. 

"The doctor will be in shortly, you can discuss it with him," the nurse assures her rather indifferently, hesitant to say anything more as she gives her another weird look that has a bad feeling forming in my stomach.

"What about Dr. Sable?" Lexi asks. 

"This one is more specialized," the nurse explains, "and after, you can see your dad if you'd like. Maybe to clear the air?" 

"Where's my brother." 

"He's still in surgery," the nurse tells her, "his ribs were putting pressure on his heart, which is why he coded." 

"Okay, lady. I think that's enough," I say as I see Lexi's eyes well with tears again, a sharp gasp escaping her as the memory starts to replay in her head. "And just so we're clear, her dad isn't going anywhere near her." 

"We're just getting two different stories here," the nurse tells me in a very stiff voice, "and from Lexi's charts and her current condition—" 

"—Her charts? What do you mean by that?" I ask her.

"Her medical history. Dad filled us in on her condition—"

"—That's who I'm going to see?" Now it's Lexi's turn to cut the nurse off, her knuckles white as she tries to keep herself together. "After all this? All you're going to do is have me talk to a fucking psychiatrist?" 

"We were informed that you have a family history of mental illness, and that your dad has been told to keep a close eye on you since being admitted into an inpatient program when you were 15," the nurse says before asking me to lower my voice as I begin to curse her out for being blind as a bat. "Sir. Would you like to be escorted out of here? Because that is what will happen to you if you don't compose yourself." 

"JJ, please," Lexi begs, unable to go through this alone, "please just sit down." 

It's painful to listen, but I do so anyways, watching as Lexi takes a moment before responding. "Ma'am, you have to understand that I don't even live in the same house as my father. He was not 'keeping an eye on me,' and this is not a result of my mothers illness." 

"But you don't remember trying to throw yourself down the stairs?" The nurse asks, "or taking your brother down with you." 

"That didn't happen," she insists, the thought making her start to cry harder, "JJ... please explain..." 

"Alrighty folks, lets get this show on the road!" 

Everyone turns to the slightly odd looking doctor as he walks into the room, my mouth hanging open as I can't quite explain the fury I felt as this guy waltzes in here like nothing is wrong. His hair was gelled weirdly and was a little too long to be considered professional, and yet, that wasn't the most informal part about him. 

His shirt that was under his overcoat fit him oddly and wrinkled, and he bordered on being a little pudgy in his face and belly, but it was his smile that did it for me, his expression that seemed to thrive off of the fact that everyone had turned to look at him. 

Lexi seems to feel the same way, as the first words that come out of her mouth consisted of: "are you fucking kidding me?" 

"Well, kid. You've clearly had a rough day," the doctor start, making me scoff aloud. "Hey, there's no denying it, your father—"

"—I swear God, you mention her dad one more time, imma break your fucking fingers," I hiss, my voice low as I fear if I raise it at all I'll start yelling at the top of my lungs. 

"JJ," Lexi says, her voice soft as she silently tells me to calm down. 

"Okayy," the doctor laughs lightly, brushing my comment off, "here's what we're going to do, Lexi. We're going to try and get you fixed up and ready to go right away. I'm Dr. Boothe," he tells her. "And you are Alexandra Aldridge... gotta nice ring to it, I must say." 

"You're going to fix me up?" Lexi snickers, "can you do anything about my pounding headache, cause that's all that's bothering me right now." 

"Is that all?" Dr. Boothe looks over at me for the first time, gesturing over at her with an odd smile, as if to ask me: 'can you believe this chick.' I don't laugh. "So... you must be JJ," Boothe says, addressing me properly, "the boyfriend." 

I don't like how he says that word 'boyfriend,' like he was somehow mocking me. "That would be me," I respond stiffly. 

"Got some anger streak in you, I'll give you that," the guy chuckles, my lips curling into a sarcastic grin. 

"So, here's what we're gunna do—"

"—yea, we got that bit already," I cut in, but he ignores my comment. 

"Lexi. Your... well, we've been told that you've responded well to ECT in the past?" 

Lexi's brow furrows before her eyes go wide as she realizes what he's talking about, while I stay as lost as I was before. 

"I-I swear, sir-erm-doctor, I swear I did not have a psychotic break here, I did not throw myself down a set of stairs in a mad dash to kill myself," Lexi tries to explain, her voice a little high, "and I don't know who told you I responded well to ECT, but I've never had it, so I wouldn't know." 

"You've never had it, then how would you know what it is?" 

"Because my mom has," Lexi explains. "Just because I know what it is... doesn't mean..." 

"Well then you would know how misunderstood the procedure is," Dr. Boothe points out, cutting her off. 

"I just don't think it's necessary, I mean, it's mean't for patients who haven't responded to other forms of treatment. It seems extreme." 

"Throwing yourself down a set of stairs might be seen as extreme to some." 

I watch as Lexi recoils from the comment, and I want to ask this doctor what sort of credentials he has to be talking this way, but figure I'm already at 2 strikes when it came to loosing my temper. "Listen, kid," Dr. Boothe adds, "you've got the brain some foreign psychologist in the 40s would've loved, this is going to be right up your ally." 

I am still so lost. 

"Okay, but what about my head," Lexi continues on, "there must be rules against shocking someone's brain when it's injured?" 

Doing what now? 

It's the first time I see Dr. Boothes expression change, and that bad feeling in my stomach is starting to do backflips as it's clear that Lexi has made a good point. It's also at this point that I realize that the doctor was talking about electroshock therapy, my body going cold as the doctor only brushes her very valid question off and asking if she had any more concerns before they get started. 

"Wait. We're doing this now?" I see the panic growing on her face, "what if I don't want to, I mean, I don't consent to having this procedure." 

"Well, as of right now your considered to be not of sound mind, and therefore unable to make these decisions on your own." 

"So..." 

"Your dad has already signed the paperwork." 

There was something really wrong with all of this, and I'm starting to argue with the doctor once again as I insist that he should at least wait until she's feeling a little better. 

Which of course has him asking me to leave while they prep Lexi. 

"Are you fucking serious?" I exclaim as he tells me I'll be allowed to see her after the procedure, glancing over at Lexi as panicked tears are streaming down her face as too much is happening at once, and she's begging me to stay in fear of loosing the last bit of reassurance she has. "Just... let her breathe for a second," I tell him, "she's been through a lot, just give her a second—"

"—She'll feel better when this is all over," the doctor ensures me, calling some of the nurses back as he leads me outside. 

"JJ, wait," Lexi calls out, "JJ! Please stay." 

I try to slip back into the room, but the doctor has a surprisingly strong grip and holds me steady. "Can I at least say goodbye?" I ask him, starting to panic a little bit myself now. 

He begrudgingly lets me back into the room for a few more seconds, and I try my best to calm her down with the little time I have. "Hey," I say to her when the doctor tells me to go and Lexi only holds onto me tighter. "I love you okay? You're going to do great, and I'll see you after." 

"Somethings wrong," she insists in a small voice, "he didn't answer my question about the brain injury, somethings wrong." 

"You're going to be okay," I tell her, "and I'll see you in like an hour." 

"How is this happening?" She asks me, "how is this suddenly my fault? Laurie..." 

She can't finish her sentence, and I feel Dr. Boothe behind me as I kiss her forehead and tell her I love her one more time. 

"I love you too," she tells me, and something else I don't catch as I'm being led out and the door closes behind me. I'm shaking as I'm being led out to the waiting room, turning a corner only to stop dead in my tracks. 

"Come on," the nurse tells me when I stop moving, but I'm walking down a different hall as I see him standing there in the hallway, on the phone with someone. 

"Hey!" I call out, Lexi's dad turning towards the voice and quickly hanging up the phone when he sees it's me. 

"I'll call for security," he warns when I'm close enough, "you come any closer and I'll call for security." 

"I don't know what you're trying to do," I seethe, "but I swear if you hurt her any more than you already have you'll regret ever laying a hand on her." 

"I'm just trying to do what's best for her." 

I shake my head, biting down on my knuckles as I want nothing more than to slam into the side of that mans face. "Your son is in surgery right now, you know that right?" 

"I am aware, yes." 

"Yea, you keep thinking of that, okay?" 

The nurse finally catches up to me, and I'm getting forcefully led this time as she doesn't trust me to walk on my own. 

I refuse to let my emotions show as she leaves me, telling me to stay put once more before I'm left standing alone in the waiting room. I let out a shaky breathe, fear crashing down into me as I feel completely helpless. 

"JJ?" 

I turn to see Pope rushing to me, "oh my God! Please, tell us what's going on. No one would tell us anything!" 

I see everyone else notice me, calling me over to give them some answers. 

It gives me an excuse to put up a good front a little longer.

Chapter Text

**JJ**

I'd like to say after I saw all of my friends and we talked for a bit I calmed down. But talking to them only made me more aware of the situation we were now in, as well as the clear red flags that were waving in my face. 

By the time we finally see Dr. Boothe again, I've just about yanked all my hair out from the roots, only to find him with that ridiculous look on his face, as if my stress is completely irrational. 

"JJ!" Dr. Boothe calls out in a way that makes me want to punch the man in the face. "She's back in her room," the doctor tells me, "will probably take a few minutes for the anesthesia to wear off, expect her to be a little... groggy. And uh..." he gestures to the others who have begun to stand, "maybe ease into things, best not to overwhelm her with everyone at once." 

I tell the others to wait outside, walking into the room just as Lexi had begun to wake up. 

"H-hey," I breathe out, rushing to her side as she sits up a little abruptly, a hazed panic in her eyes as she tries to make sense of everything around her while still fighting the remnants of her sedation. "Take it easy," I tell her. 

"Take it..." she gasps out rather than finishing her sentence, "my... head." 

"Yea, your head, you had... you had a head injury," I try to explain, "a concussion." 

"Wha—" Our eyes lock for the first time, and something about her gaze has me recoiling slightly, warning bells going off even before her words confirm the worst. "Who... who ARE you, what's going on. What... where..." her breath starts to take off, and she's pulling away from me as she takes it all in, her eyes glancing around wildly before giving up on trying to answer her own question and she cries out in a scared voice; "what's going on?" 

I try to reach out to her again, which only has her freak out more and ask again who I was. I place my hands in the air, and it has her stop struggling to look at me fully. "Y-you're going to be okay," I try telling her, slower this time as when I extend my hand out to her again she still shrinks away. "L-lex... please." 

"Lex." She repeats, her name foreign on her tongue and cutting deep as everything starts to sink in. 

She didn't remember me. She didn't remember... anything. 

This wasn't happening, I want to say, this can't be.

"Hey. Okay it's okay," I say, as her gasps of breath were suddenly not getting any air into her lungs, "you're Lexi. That's... that's you, that's your name." 

"My... agh!" She cries out, her hand coming up to hold her head in pain, "why does my head h-hurt... everything hurts." 

"Y-yea I know, I know. You hit your head, Lexi. That's why it hurts," I tell her, "you're going to be okay, you're going to be okay, I'll have a doctor get something for your head, okay?" I glance wildly around at my surroundings, finding the call button and hitting it repeatedly, "see? People are on their way." 

She starts to cry, or maybe she was crying before and I've only noticed it now as she asks again what's going on. "Y-you hit your head," I try again, my voice breaking a bit this time as I want more than anything to reach out and hold her, to try and provide her with a bit of comfort. "I know it hurts sweetheart, I know, I know princess." 

Princess, my princess. This was never supposed to happen. 

I can hear the nurse come in, trying to explain to her what's going on as she looks over at the attendants in panic while they hook her up to an IV and something to help with the pain. "Ma'am. We're going to have to sedate you if you keep fighting," the nurse tells her, while I'm left standing there, staring blankly at her as a few others move around me to check her vitals. 

So I reach out at take her hand. 

She flinches away at first, but relaxes as I run my thumb along her knuckles, "hey, you're okay, alright? Can you trust me?" 

The nurse get the needle into her arm, as Lexi is now just staring at my hand that's holding hers. 

Her brow furrows as she looks up at me, "princess," she says, repeating me from before. 

My eyes go wide as I nod once, "yes. Princess, that's you. That's what... that's what I sometimes call you." 

She thinks for a second, "it's corny," she finally settles on. 

I let out a short laugh, the slightest hope returning to me before I hear the door open and I'm suddenly being asked to leave by Dr. Boothe. 

"Are you kidding me?" I practically yell, "I'm not leaving her now." 

"It's a common side effect of the anesthesia, and shock therapy is known to show small instances of memory loss. We just need her room cleared so that she can get some proper rest and we can assess from there," the doctor tells me.

"I'm not leaving," I repeat. 

"Well, that's not an option." 

"What do you mean that's not an option? I'm staying with her." 

"She's going to be fine," Dr. Boothe insists, and I'm half aware of the two rather scary looking men appearing in the door way and walking to my side, "you'll be allowed to come back in when it's appropriate for you to do so." 

To say I went elegantly would be a lie, as I go limp when the security guards take me, and they have to drag me out as I refused to take another step. 

When I finally get to my feet after they pretty much throw me out of the room, I'm standing right in front of my friends, realizing that they watched that all take place in shock. 

"JJ!" Kie says, the first to speak up, "please tell us what's going on right now." 

"I already explained it to you," I tell her, my words a little slurred as I need a second to pull myself together again. 

"Then what was THAT!" 

"Well THAT," I point to the door that was now closed, "was me getting my ass kicked out because the doctor fucked up and Lexi doesn't remember anything." 

"Remember anything?" Pope cuts in, "what do you mean by that, remember anything?" 

"I mean it exactly as I said it, Pope! She doesn't remember anything. I said her name and she couldn't figure out who I was addressing." 

Don't cry, don't cry, you're not going to cry. 

It doesn't register to me that Pope is pulling me into a hug until I'm wrapping my arms around him, repeating myself over and over again as it sets in. 

"Hey, what's going on here?" 

I pull back to see Shoupe and two other officers approaching us, "we got a call—"

"—you're a little late to the call!" I practically seethe, "where the fuck have you been." 

"Easy now," Shoupe exclaims, gesturing for the others to stand back a bit, "we've been overrun at the station trying to sort out this whole Cameron fiasco." He glances quickly over at Sarah, giving her an apologetic look before turning back to me, "and we heard that security was going to deal with this until we got here. Something about Lexi fallin' down the stairs?" 

"Oh my fucking God if I have to hear that BULLSHIT story line one more god damn time I'm going to LOOSE IT! There's no way she fell down the stairs. The stairs are at the front of the house and a found her and Laurie at the back of the house. She wasn't even at the house when Laurie got hurt, she heard a crash and went over to see what the problem was. She found Laurie... found Laurie choking on his own blood, man." 

I could tell Shoupe was trying his best not to react and keep a neutral expression, "Laurie's hurt too?" 

"He's in surgery now. Fucking coding in the ambulance, right in front of us." 

"Of both of you?" 

"Well, I didn't realize I was supposed to say they were BOTH injured. I was lookin at the guy who looked fucking dead and just went with that," I ramble on, "you can ask the doctor what happened to Laurie, but their dad made up a bunch of shit on Lexi so you can't believe anything they fucking tell you." 

"Why would he do that?" 

"Cause he's the one who fucking did this to them!" 

"O-Okay," Shoupe says, glancing back to one of his men, "you go find Lorenzo Aldridge, let me know the status on him. Hey," he addresses me as I begin to pace back and forth, "hey, we're going to sort this out, alright?" 

"No. No, you don't understand," I say, "she doesn't remember anything now. Her dad made up a bunch of shit and they shocked her brains out and now she doesn't remember anything. T-that doctor... I don't know... Lexi told him she had a concussion, she asked him if it would effect the results and he didn't respond. She shouldn't have even been talking to a psychiatrist, it's her dad who should be seeing the shrink." 

"They shocked her brain?" 

"They think she's crazy," I cry out, my fingers digging into my palms with such force I actually wonder if it'll draw blood, "and her dad needs her to be like that. Cause she can't give a statement on what happened if she can't remember it, and Laurie can't give a statement if he's fucking dead." 

Everything stops for a moment, "oh my God," I realize, "he needs her to be crazy." 

"JJ. What are you suggesting?" Shoupe asks me, "why don't you take a breath, we can come back to this later." 

"That doctor is being paid off or something. He ignored Lexi's question. He knew it would only mess her up more," I ramble on, "Shoupe, you have to believe me. Lexi's dad paid—"

"—JJ!" Shoupe stops me, reaching out and steadying me by my shoulder, "here's what we are going to do. I'm going to look into this, and you are going to let your friends buy you a bagel or something because you really don't look very good." 

"Thanks. I'm flattered." 

"Look. Temporary memory loss is common with anesthesia and or electroshock therapy—both of these have such side effects. So, I'm going to look into it, and I'm not going to blindly believe what her dad tells me, but I still have to hear what he has to say, and I have to take these factors into consideration." 

"No," I mutter in a low voice, "no you weren't there. Laurie coded right in front of us." 

"You told me that already," Shoupe says softly, turning to John B as he had begun to step towards me, "your friends are going to take care of you until you're allowed to see her again. Right? John B do you need like 5 bucks or something?" 

He gives him the money before he even gets a chance to respond, and I don't know whose walking me back to the waiting room, but I had no energy to try and stay. 

I turn once I'm sitting to see that it was Sarah by my side. "Hey," I say with a small grin, "at least I got you and John B to be in the same room without fighting." 

She responds by pulling me into a hug. 

**^**

I'm allowed back in the room after a few hours, my heart dropping to see that Lexi was still very out of it. 

"Hey there," I try, her eyes fluttering as she goes to look at me. 

"Hey princess," she states aimlessly, her eyes looking past me when I meet them with mine. 

Despite everything, it makes me laugh; "not quite," I tell her, her lip curling into the slightest smile, "how's your head." 

"All numb and good to go," she assures me, "made me forget about you for a bit, but I remember once you came back into my room." 

"You remember me?" 

"You yelled at the doctor with the bad haircut," Lexi tells me, "you know, it makes him look like a founding father. Not the mention the farmer jeans, I mean, what possessed him to make that decision. Got the cowboy belt and everything to go with it, a real bold fashion choice when paired with that overcoat if you ask me." 

"Oh, so you remember what the founding fathers look like?" I ask her, trying to remind myself that getting hurt over something like that would be ridiculous. 

"I... think," she tells me. "Do you remember what the founding fathers look like?" 

"Erm... well I never knew them personally." 

She giggles, "did I?" 

I shake my head, "I'd have my doubts." 

She thinks for a second, before suddenly taking my hand with hers. "I liked it when you held my hand earlier," she tells me, "and you moved your thumb like... that," she adds when I begin to mimic what I was doing before. "Are we together?" She asks bluntly. 

"Together?" 

"Yea," she says, "you're awfully nice to me, and I like how you hold my hand." 

I smile, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed "Yea. We're together," I tell her, my body slowly relaxing as she doesn't instantly tell me to get off her bed. 

She smile's softly, "hello, boyfriend." 

I burst out into laughter, as I'm pretty sure the strain this has put on me has made me a little delirious as I find her static voice a little too funny. It makes her smile, but as she goes to laugh she winces and her expression falters. "You okay?" I ask her. 

"You'll... stay this time, right?" 

"Yes, of course," I quickly tell her, "I'll do whatever you want me to." 

"Can you lie down?" 

I nod quickly, my feet bouncing on the bed as I throw myself next to her a little too quickly, causing her to laugh-slash-wince-in-pain. "Uh oh, looks like I can't make you laugh," I joke, "that's going to be hard." 

She doesn't say anything, staring off into space as I readjust my hand as it holds hers. 

"I just wanna know what's going on," she murmurs after a second, her voice breaking as she starts to cry, "I don't know why I feel so sad, JJ." 

I turn to look at her, "you remember my name," I point out after a second. 

She blinks, realizing what she had said. "Yea, I guess I do." 

I don't even notice she's getting tired until she's turning into me and closing her eyes, something in the way she lets me hold her making me feel like we'll be okay. 

Of course, it doesn't last. 

She forgets it all again when she wakes up, and ends up having to be sedated after I snap at Dr. Boothe when he comes in, as she senses my fear and reacts accordingly. After that, however, she finally asks what I was doing earlier when I was on her bed. 

"You had asked me to be there," I tell her. 

She gives me a dazed look, "sounds like I like you." 

"You could say that," I say, now sitting in the chair that's designated to visitors. 

"Can you tell me what's going on?" 

I leave out the bad stuff, but spend the next 20 minutes explaining everything I could think of, to who I was, to what we were doing here. I tell her about the day we had met, and how she had come back from LA after having to leave at the end of the summer. 

I tell her about Sarah and John B, and that day we had thought they went down in the hurricane. I tell her about the nickname she has for Pope, I re-teach her the handshake we all use. 

"Do I call you something too?" 

"Killer. Sometimes," I tell her, "you're usually just being funny." 

"Why do I call you that?" 

"It's uh... not a good story," I say. 

She thinks for a second, her brow furrowing before her eyes go wide. "You killed someone." 

I don't say anything, but the small nod I give her says enough. "D-do you remember?" 

Please, I want to say, out of everything you get back. Please don't have it be THAT that you remember.

But her next words aren't what I expect them to be. "You saved my life." 

"Lexi..." 

"JJ, what's going on?" 

My name, it's always good when I hear her say my name. 

"You had a head injury—"

"—You told me that already. I want to know why I can't remember anything, did the concussion do that too?" 

"No," I tell her honestly, "no the doctors messed up. I-I think the doctors messed up." 

The subject is dropped after that, and I quickly learn that one of the biggest side effects of the procedure was that she gets tired really fast, as she's already getting sleepy again. 

"Do you think you're going to have to tell me all this, again?" 

"That doesn't matter," I tell her, "all that matters is that you let your body heal." 

"But I don't want to forget," she whispers a little desperately. 

"Don't worry," I tell her, "cause I'll be here to tell you it all again." 

I watch her sleep, tears silently falling down the sides of my face for the first time as I let myself feel it all for the first time since this all has happened, and because there's no one there to see.

At some point the others join me in the room, and I'm adverting my gaze as I pull myself together. "Oh, hey guys." 

"We wanted you to have some time alone with her," John B tells me, "but uh... we want to be here for you too." 

I guess Shoupe had given them all money for dinner as well, and they pass me a burger from this place I always raved about and let me eat in silence. 

"Did Shoupe tell you how Laurie was doing?" 

I didn't really want to know, as I think any more bad news would take the last of the air from my lungs at this point, but I knew if Lexi suddenly remembered I should be the one to tell her what his status was. 

"He's... stable I think," Pope tells me, "Shoupe says he's out of surgery, but in a coma." 

I cringe at those words, "fuck. That's..." 

"Are they going to let you stay overnight?" Kie asks me. 

"I don't know, I haven't thought that far." 

"They should, no?" 

I shake my head slowly, "I don't know, Kie. I don't know if I can go home, to be honest." Where even is home now? I take a shaky breath, "I really just want to know what's going on. Do you know if Shoupe found anything?" 

"Erm... cameras were wiped on the Aldridges security footage, and the dad continues to deny responsibility. It's obvious he did it but... I don't know, it's weird," John B tells me, "without the doctors support it'll be hard to make a case of anything." 

"So that psychiatrist and the nurse are definitely being paid off or some shit," I conclude. 

"It's not just that," Pope adds, "because of their lack of support, the police are reluctant to do anything. It's like..." 

"It's like Ward Cameron," Kie finishes, "how it felt like every obvious lead they got they just ignored." 

"It'll be worse than my dad." 

We all turn towards Sarah as she speaks up, "Nikolai was much richer than my dad, Ward told me himself." 

"I'm sorry... Nikolai? Nikolai Aldridge?" 

Was it bad that I had no idea that I didn't know his first name, probably. 

"Aldridge isn't actually their last name... do none of you know any of this?" 

"It isn't something I've ever talked about with her," I admit after a second. 

"Well I can see why," Kie chuckles dryly, "Nikolai?" 

"What about it?" 

"Nick." 

It wasn't funny, but I still laugh, knowing that that name has probably scarred Lexi for life now. 

"Yea no, his real last name was some foreign one that his father had changed when he decided to move business west, they owned a bunch of hotels—Lexi's dad sold them all and now runs some networking thing, I honestly tuned most of it out when they had first moved here and Ward was looking into them. But what I'm trying to say is that it might look like new money cause they came from the west coast, but that family is far from it." 

"So, it's going to be a fight," Pope states. 

"A useless one," I add. "Especially if Lexi can't remember anything and Laurie doesn't wake up from the fucking coma." 

We decide against thinking about it for any longer, and they get to witness first hand what Lexi was like when she wakes up, only this time she's not only panicking, but crying out in pain from the meds wearing off. 

"Don't worry, I gotcha," I tell her as she squeezes the sides of her head to try and relieve some of the tension, pressing the call button and telling that bitch of a nurse she needs more meds. 

"Yes, I know. I was getting to her, we're just a little overrun at the moment." 

"W-what is going on?" 

"You're fine sweetheart, you're going to be okay," I tell her, turning back to the nurse as I realize it'll be a helpless cause if she's in pain, "okay. Well. Can you get some now?" 

The nurse leaves, and the others help me try to calm her down with little luck, some interns coming in after a couple minutes of her panic continuing to increase until she was practically screaming to sedate her, again. 

"You know, if she keeps fighting every time she wakes up, we're going to have to restrain her to the bed," one of them tells me. 

"She has a sprained wrist," I tell him, "and she's calmer when she isn't in so much pain." 

"She's calmer when you're next to her," the other tells me, "if you hadn't noticed by now." 

I guess it was what granted me the permission to stay the night, as it was the one thing Dr. Boothe actually let me do, which was weird, because I was pretty sure it went against some rules in place for visitors. 

The others have to leave when visiting hours are up, but tell me they'll bring some clothes and other toiletries for me when they come back tomorrow. 

"Where are they going?" Lexi asks me when she sees them leaving. 

"They'll be back tomorrow," I tell her. 

"What if I don't remember them then?" 

"Well then they'll re-introduce themselves." 

Lexi had asked me to lie down next to her this time, and seemed to understand to some extent that I was someone who cared about her, even if she didn't remember anything about who I was.

"How do I know your telling me the truth?" She had asked as I had tried to explain everything to her again. "What if none of this is real, and you're really from like... the FBI." 

"Well then, ma'am. You should feel even safer knowing that it's my job to protect you," I say in an overly serious voice, causing her to smile. 

"Is that what you are? My protector?" 

"Yup, that's me." 

She moves to rest her head on my chest, "you protected me that day... from Nick." 

You don't know the context of that, I want to tell her, wondering why that's all she's managed to remember after a day of starting fresh. "Is that all you remember of me?" I ask, wondering if she was beginning to form a connection between her periods of consciousness. 

"No. I remember you... singing." 

"Singing?" I can't even think of what she could be referring to, as it wasn't something I did a whole lot of.

"Horribly out of tune and off beat," she adds with a smile, "but you were calling me beautiful. I remember admitting to myself that I loved you then." 

"Well, I remember the day you told me that," I tell her, and the odd memory surfaces for me as I realize she must've been talking about the night before, right after she had forgiven me for what I had done. I take my phone out, finding the song and playing it for her, laughing a bit to myself as I really didn't think that One Direction would be the first thing I'd re-introduce her to, but either way, I let the song play. 

"Yea, that's the one," she tells me. 

"And that's when you..." it's not like I could verify what she's telling me, I didn't know when she had admitted she was in love. 

But I like to think she was right. 

It was the first time I didn't want her to fall asleep, and I mourned her loss silently when she did.

Chapter Text

**JJ**

Lexi isn't much better the next day, which is unfortunate as Shoupe arrives first thing to take a statement. 

"I really don't think you're going to get anything out of her," I tell him honestly, as she had already woken twice in the unusual confusion. 

"Well, I should stay to observe anyways," Shoupe tells me, "it gives me a chance to gauge how bad this is." 

I nod, which has us fall into a awkward silence as Lexi sleeps next to me. "They told you to sleep with her like that?" 

"They think it might be an unconscious thing, a familiar presence with an unfamiliar face," I explain, before a thought comes to me. "Hey. Can I trust you to watch her while I go and see what the deal is with Laurie? She'd want me to check on him." 

"Yeah yeah, of course," Shoupe says, but I hesitate at the door. 

"Shoupe, I'm being serious. Don't let them do anything until I get back." 

"Of course, JJ." 

It feels weird to have Shoupe talk to me with such empathy, but I guess it reminds me how bad it is. 

I'm not allowed in Laurie's room, but I can watch him from outside. "Fuck, man," I mutter to myself, "I don't know what to do." 

I wonder if he could somehow see me, and if he could he'd probably be shaking his head, annoyed that I'm complaining about my life while he's trapped in his own head. He'd hate this, needing people and machines to stay alive, he'd find a way to break out of a coma on his own if he could I'm sure. 

I don't stay for long, and when I return I see I've made it just in time as Lexi begins to wake up. 

Dread fills me, and guilt for such feelings as I should just be happy I have these moments, knowing I wouldn't be able to take it if her and Laurie had switched places and all I could do is watch her helplessly. At least I can help this way, at least I can hear her voice. 

"You okay?" I hear Shoupe ask. 

"Yea, yea," I try to assure him, "it should be better now that they've switched her to morphine." 

It gets administered right into her veins periodically, and therefore she doesn't need to be awake to swallow any pills, or to let the doctors know she needs more after it's too late. 

"Morphine? Guess she's really banged up," Shoupe muses as I go back to lying down next to her. 

"Yea, you have no idea," I mutter, not sure if he heard me or not. 

I feel Lexi shift, her eyes fluttering open and I watch her take a deep inhale as she comes to her senses. 

"Lexi," Shoupe says, "how are you feeling."  

She only stares at him for a second, suddenly bursting out into tears as her hand comes up to cover her mouth, trying to stifle her emotions with her palm. "L-Lexi?" Shoupe repeats before turning to me, "is this normal?" 

"Uh, no," I tell him honestly, my attention turning back to Lexi as I reach for her hand. She doesn't let me take it, gasping something as she cries that I can't understand. I keep repeating the same thing's over and over again, the same things I'm always telling her, but this time it isn't working for some reason. 

"Y-you shouldn't... you shouldn't, he'll kill you." She then looks right at Shoupe, "tell him." 

"Tell him? Do—do you know who I am?" Shoupe asks in surprise. 

"You were there when that doctor came," Lexi said, the original shock subsiding, "like 10 minutes ago, when they stitched up my face." 

"Your face? Wait. Are you talking about Nick Paris?" 

"He's going to be so m-mad if he sees..." 

"Woah," I cut in, "don't worry about me, alright? Nick can't hurt me." 

"You don't know that. You don't—wait. Who are you?" 

I think for a second, blurting the first thing that comes to mind; "FBI." 

"FBI?" 

"Yup. So you really shouldn't be worried about my safety ma'am, cause I've got this under control." 

She stares at me for a solid second, her expression almost as animated as it once was before all this happened, "you? You're from the FBI?" 

"You don't believe me?" 

"If you really were from the FBI, you wouldn't be lying on my bed." 

"Oh, well, you asked me to." 

"I asked you to? When was this?" 

"Like you said, after you had the doctor come in and stitch up the side of your face. You see, I'm working with the Sheriffs department to try and take down this whole drug business your friend Nick has going on—"

"—he's not my friend," she quickly tells me, before backtracking as she reminds herself that it doesn't matter, because "literally none of that makes any sense." 

"Doesn't matter if it makes sense to you," I tell her, "all that matters is that you know your safe now, and we are taking it from here. There's no need to worry, especially about my safety, princess." 

Her face relaxes, "how can... do you promise?" 

I nod, and she goes quiet for a second as she stares off in thought. "My head hurts," she states after a moment, and I have to tell her she's already maxed out on pain meds. "No," she tells me, her voice slurring as she squeezes her eyes shut, "it just feels... overwhelming. I can't put my finger on it, but it's like I've been studying for 48 hours straight or something." 

"M-my head," she groans again as her hands come up to brace her head, inhaling once quite suddenly before telling me, "you aren't from the FBI, you're JJ. Popes friend." 

"Yes," I gasp, trying not to raise my voice too much as it makes my heart leap to hear her say my name. "Yes. That's me." 

"That idiot who fired a gun in the air at the..." she cries out a bit from the pain, "boneyard," she finishes, "at the boneyard." 

I can't help but look over at Shoupe, as even though he was clearly already aware of this, he couldn't help but be a little amused that she was snitching on me and pretends that this is news to him. 

"What happened?" She asks after a second, "after." 

"You let me be your roommate." 

"Seriously?" 

"Well, you lost a bet," I clarify. 

It makes stop focusing on her head for a moment to stare at me, "and is this why I'm in the hospital now?" 

"Okay..." I exclaim, pretending to be offended, "I'm not that much of a hazard to be around, alright?" 

"But... but I thought I was here cause of Nick a couple seconds ago, and now. And now? Wait... huh?" She looks over at me, "how much time has passed since that night?" 

I look up as I try to calculate it, "a couple months?" 

"You're fucking me." 

"Technically, that too." 

I think Shoupe pretends he didn't hear that one, as he's awkwardly shifting in his seat and suddenly very interested in his phone, meanwhile, Lexi's mouth hangs open as she tries to figure out if I'm being serious or not. She turns to Shoupe, "is he being serious?" 

"Erm... yea, from what I've been told yes. He is telling the truth... about you two being in a r-romantic relationship, of course not... well... I don't know about the other stuff... that's really up to you guys whether..." 

"I think she gets it," I cut in, and I think the guy is grateful I stepped in as he was starting to dig himself into a hole. 

"No," she states, still in disbelief, "you... you don't like me." 

"Where the fuck did you get that from?" I exclaim. 

"You talked shit about me having money and stuff," she explains, "I don't know!" 

"Princess. I was flirting with you." 

"Oh God, not that stupid nickname." 

"What's wrong with princess?" I laugh. 

"You say it to mock me," she insists. 

"Maybe, but trust me. It'll grow on you." 

She shakes her head, "I still don't believe you." 

"Your favourite food is French toast, you used to go to interior decorating conventions with your mother," I tell her, her eyes widening as I speak, "you like the colours green and blue, and you do this thing where you don't need to listen to a song more than like three times to know all the words." 

She swallows hard, "anyone can know that." 

"You brush your hair in the shower because it gets really frizzy if you do it when it's dry. You know how I know that?" I raise my eyebrows, letting her fill in the rest for herself, and because I think Shoupe has just about heard enough. 

She thinks for a second, "yea, okay," she finally says, "you've convinced me." 

I grin, watching her dumbfounded stare as she takes everything in. "What is it?" I ask her, "can't believe you'd be going out with a guy like me?" 

"No. I knew... I knew I'd like you right away," she admits, "I just can't believe it didn't end really badly, that never happens." 

I can tell she's starting to feel her head again, the shock wearing off just enough for her to flinch into her pillow and turn away from the lights. "I feel really tired," she says after a second, "I'm not really sure how much longer I can stay awake." 

My heart sinks, but I don't show it, quickly nodding and tentatively kissing her forehead, "of course—sleep all you want, you need it." 

"Won't I forget everything?" 

My eyes water, but I don't show it, shrugging her question off like it was nothing, "maybe. But I'll tell you everything you want to know." 

She was right, and that hope that she was somehow progressing forward in time is crushed as she's back to not even knowing her own name. 

"You can go," I tell Shoupe after a round of Lexi being awake for about 10 minutes before falling asleep again. 

"No. I can stay," he tells me. 

"There's no point, she's clearly not making any progress." 

"Visitors aren't allowed in for another hour, JJ," Shoupe tells me, "I'm not leaving you here alone." 

She wakes up again, and there's something so draining about the way she looks at me, in how she keeps asking what's going on, in how she asks me who I am and why her head hurts so much. 

She closes her eyes, and before I can help myself I've burst into tears that I can't get under control, really wishing that Shoupe had done what I said and wasn't sitting there watching me from across the room. 

"I-I didn't get a lot of sleep last night," I try to explain. 

"JJ. I see people dealing with loved ones getting hurt every day, you're handling it better than most." 

I lift my head up to look at him, and I realize he's felt the strain as well, his eyes a little red as he watches me break down in front of him. 

I struggle to compose myself for a few more seconds before I give in, turning into Lexi's shoulder as my body begins to shake uncontrollably and I cry freely, her hair muffling my voice as I don't even bother responding to Shoupe. 

We promised one another, we promised each other we wouldn't leave—and now it feels like she's gone. 

Our friends visit the second they're allowed in, bringing me stuff like a toothbrush and a change of clothes, and some stuff for Lexi as well. 

It's actually nice to have a change to excuse myself to the washroom for a second, splashing my face with water as tears roll silently down my cheeks. When I get back I see that Sarahs crying as Shoupe explains what he's seen so far. 

"I have to admit, I've never seen the memory be effected in this way," he tells us. 

"So, something else must've interfered," I point out, heading right back to my previous position as if I had never left, "it's the only explanation." 

"I just don't understand how," Shoupe tells me, "even if Dr. Boothe was paid off by her dad to give into the story he was given, and even if he was supposed to botch the procedure—someone else would've noticed." 

"She had a concussion," I explain, "you could do the procedure exactly like it's supposed to be done, and still cause damage if there was preexisting factors." 

"The brain is a complicated thing, JJ," Pope tells me, "the injury would have to have been in a certain place to create such side effects. How would the doctor have known she would end up like this?" 

"I don't know!" I exclaim, "I don't know anything except for the fact that she doesn't remember shit." 

Lexi shifts in her sleep when I raise my voice, and I curse softly as I realize she's stirring awake. 

"Are you going to be okay?" Shoupe asks me. 

"Of course," I quickly say, my grip on Lexi subconsciously tightening as I feel her wake up. Everyone's eyes are on me, and I'm waiting for Lexi to speak now, dreading the moment where I have to start to tell her what's going on, while relishing in the fact that I still get to hear her voice. 

I watch as she sits up rather suddenly, slowly sitting up myself as I rub her back, surprised when she doesn't instantly flinch away from me. "Lexi? You're okay," I tell her as she stares at the wall in front of her intensely, startled by her own consciousness. 

"W-where's Laurie?" 

"What?" 

"Where's Laurie, JJ. Please," she gasps, "ohnoohnoohmygod, please, no. Where's Laurie?" 

"Y-you remember?" Everything feels numb, my hand that's still on her back now shaking as I repeat my question with a bit more strength in my voice. 

"JJ..." she chokes out, "why does it feel like I've been out for more than a couple hours?" 

It takes me a couple tries to actually speak coherently, as my first two attempts are just heaves of incomprehensible noise. "Y-you haven't been able to remember," I finally tell her, "Laurie's out of surgery. He isn't awake yet. He isn't... but you, you haven't been able to remember anything." 

She turns to look at me, and it must've been my expression or something as her face falls when she meets my eye. "I haven't been able to remember?" She asks me.

"No," I say, my voice small as it hurts to even admit, and she's pulling me into her arms as she asks how long she's been like this. "A day, more or less. You keep falling asleep cause of your head," I explain. 

"Yea, I feel really tired," she tells me, "and my head feels like its been lit on fire." 

She turns to look at the others as they approach her, letting each one hug her and tell her how happy they were to see her. 

"So, I'm guessing this has thrown a hitch in the people's confidence of my story," she says. 

"We're still looking into it, but we can take your statement now if you remember what happened," Shoupe tells her, Lexi's eyes beginning to water the second she thinks about it. 

"Take your time," I add. 

"I'm already starting to feel really tired," she admits, "it's now or never." 

Don't say that, don't say never. 

But I don't speak, and let her explain it all to us, as for the first time I can understand the story right from the beginning, right from when she had left to investigate a crash coming from the main house. 

"Do you know what caused your dad to snap?" Shoupe asks her when she's finished.

"No, I don't," Lexi tells him, turning into my chest as she lets a few more tears fall. "I'm sorry—"

"—No! It's all good," Shoupe tells her. 

"I had security cameras put in place after everything that happened with Nick," she says, "Laurie had installed them... I don't know if my dad knows about them, but it would prove that I wasn't the one who hurt Laurie. I need them to know that I didn't hurt him." 

"We can go get them," John B tells her, "that way, no one will suspect anything." 

"Don't worry, Lex," Kie adds, "we're going to get you out of here." 

I can tell she was already exhausted, and so when she asks to go see Laurie I have to tell her it'll take too much out of her. It was selfish, but I wanted to be with the girl who remembers me for as long as I could. 

She seems to understand, though it eventually becomes too much for her, and the others leave to let her rest. 

She gives Shoupe a look that seems to be asking for privacy, "I'll let you guys talk for a minute," he tells us, understanding, before going to awkwardly stand outside the door, making it look like he was guarding it. 

"It's okay," I tell her, though I'm sure my face betrays my emotion, "you need to sleep, it's the only way you're going to get better." 

She takes hold of the side of my face, "in case you don't hear it for a while," she murmurs, "I love you. I love you more than anything." 

"I love you too," I quickly tell her, the last word getting cutoff as she kisses me. "I love you," I mutter against her lips, holding each other as tightly as we could. 

She falls asleep shortly after, and Shoupe comes in to see me sobbing, still holding her as close to me as I could manage, her arms still around me from when she was awake. 

**^**

It's as if the second Shoupe leaves, Dr. Boothe feels comfortable to just waltz into her room, still indifferent to anything that could indicate things have gone wrong.

"Well, you certainly took your time," I seethe, "didn't want the cop to be overseeing this?" 

"Don't be ridiculous JJ, I came to prep her for her next round." 

Everything goes cold, "what do you mean by that?" 

"Well, these things never work the first time around." 

I go rabid, instantly choking on my panic as I yell; "doesn't mean you're allowed to shock her brains two days in a row! That's definitely NOT what you're supposed to do, I betcha I could look it up right now and it'll tell me you're going to FUCKING KILL HER!" 

"JJ... I'm the doctor here, I think I know what'll kill her," he tells me, as if he were telling a joke. 

"W-whats going on?" 

I turn towards Lexi, realizing she had woken up because I had raised my voice. "Hey, take it easy, alright?" 

she repeats her previous question, pulling away from me as she realizes how close we are, asking who I was, and why her head hurt so bad. 

"You're going to be okay," I tell her, ignoring the doctor that awkwardly stands at the end of her bed, "you hit your head, it's why you can't remember anything." 

She doesn't ask me to get off the bed, but Dr. Boothe asks me to wait outside while he talks to her. "I'm not leaving her," I tell him, keeping my voice even and as quiet as possible in order to not scare her. "I'm not letting you near her." 

"Your scaring her," Dr. Boothe tells me, "just wait outside." 

"No. I'm not leaving her again! You aren't taking her away from me." 

I realize I was scaring her now, as she asks me what they're going to do to her, she asks me if she somehow knows me as I go back to consoling her, giving Dr. Boothe time to have someone escort me out. "NonononNO!" I yell, my attempt to break free useless as I'm tossed outside and the door is closed and locked behind me. 

I'm so sick and tired of crying, but I do so again anyways, and then I'm left wondering if I had ever stopped. 

Pull yourself together, JJ, I tell myself, she needs you to keep it together. 

I can hear her screaming even as I start walking down the hall.

I have to do a double take as I pass Laurie's room, stopping dead in my tracks as I realize whose sitting in the corner, shielded within the shadows. The worst bit of it all is that I had 24 hours to come up with a big long speech, and yet now I don't even think I had energy left to yell at Lexi's dad, and so I just stand there, leaning on the doorframe. 

"Hello, JJ," he says without looking up from the book he was reading, "hows Lexi?" 

"You know how she is," I tell him, not willing to admit anything more out loud, "you signed all the consent forms." 

"She was bound to go crazy anyways, it's better this way." 

"I beg to differ," I counter, crossing my arms, "you're destroying her." 

"I'd stop, y'know. If I had insurance." 

"Insurance that you won't get in trouble for what you did?" I ask him, "that's all you're doing this for, right?" 

"I learnt a long time ago that people are always easier to handle when the world thinks they're unable to handle themselves," he tells me, "you are in total control. Maybe you'll see that one day." He pauses, before turning to look at me, "but, yes. If I knew she'd keep quiet, I'd let her leave. The only unfortunate bit is that I have no way of knowing what she'll do once she's gone." 

I shake my head, turning to leave but stopping to say one more thing, "just do me a favour, and don't go near her again." 

I hear him chuckle, "well. That I can't do. What?" He asks when he sees me turn back, "family has to stick together." 

I leave before I find it in me to punch him in the face and get kicked out of the hospital. 

Chapter Text

**LEXI**

I know time is passing, I can tell just in the way my consciousness stirs, in how there are moments where I'm awake enough to remember, to see what's going on around me. I had been conscious right before they put me under again, I know that because I remember the realization hitting me and sending me into a full blown panic. 

I think I had called out to JJ, despite the fact that I knew there was no way he'd hear me. 

"You're awake." 

I turn towards the voice, seeing a young nurse changing my IV bag, her eyes widening when she sees my face. "Do you remember?" 

She was probably in her late 20s, with dark skin and large almond eyes, her hair pulled back in a brightly coloured headscarf that looks like it's decorated with images of people surfing. 

"Where's JJ." Is all I say. 

"Oh! He's uh... washroom, left like 20 seconds ago. Oh thank God, I was not prepared to handle all the questions," she says, pausing when she realize how that sounded, "not that it's like, annoying or anything. It's completely normal, it's just, JJ's much better at handling them." 

"What's your name?" My voice is hoarse, and very scratchy whenever I go to speak, my throat sore, and I realize it felt as though I had been screaming for hours. 

"Camilla." 

"I had a friend named Camille," I tell her, "I'd call her Cami. She's in LA, we had a very odd relationship."