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Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

3:21 pm, July 26, 2024:

Tony Stark: I have decided that we need a group chat.

Steve Rogers: Why?

Tony Stark: In order to communicate and avoid future problems, such as the situation with your metal-armed friend.

Steve Rogers: Fine

Clint Barton: I'm bored. Since the chat exists now, I have decided that all of you must entertain me.

Natasha Romanoff: Really, Clint?

Clint Barton: What? It's a group chat. Also, can we give nicknames?

Tony Stark: Yes. Excellent idea, Legolas.

Tony Stark has changed Clint Barton's display name to Legolas

Tony Stark has changed Steve Rogers's display name to Capsicle

Natasha Romanoff has changed Tony Stark's display name to Large Ego

Natasha Romanoff: Two can play at that game. Also, why do we all have display names?

Large Ego: I'm offended, Natasha! Display names are part of texting on Starkphones

Capsicle: Tony's not going to change his display name? The current one is kind of... insulting

Legolas: What's there to change? It's true

Large Ego has changed Legolas's display name to Hawkish A-hole

Natasha Romanoff: Are you seriously trying to keep this group chat PG-13?

Hawkish A-hole: Who's in this chat, anyway?

Large Ego: It's just the original six.

Natasha Romanoff has changed Natasha Romanoff's display name to Nat

Nat has invited Wanda Maximoff

Nat has invited Bucky Barnes

Nat has invited Sam Wilson

Nat: Include all of the Avengers, Stark. And why can you invite people? Did you ripoff Discord or something to make "texting on Starkphones"

Large Ego: ...of course not. This system only exists b/c it makes sense to me

Large Ego has changed Sam Wilson's display name to Capsicle's Sidekick

Capsicle's Sidekick: Hey! 

Nat has changed Capsicle's Sidekick's display name to Falcon

Large Ego: Lame

People Who Have Been Killed At Least Twice:

6:30 pm, July 26, 2024:

Skyenet: I feel like hacking Stark.

Coulson: Why?

Skyenet: a) I want to check space's WiFi connection, b) I'm bored, and c) I've heard rumors that the Avengers are reassembling.

Mayday: Do it. I want to see Thor's texts.

Coulson: Why? Because he's dreamy?

Skyenet: Your sarcasm carries over text shockingly well.

Mayday: Which is why I'm not justifying that with a response

Avengers Chat:

9:00 pm, July 26, 2024:

Hawkish A-hole: Should we get pizza?

Large Ego: You're not going to complain about your name

Nat: He's actually somewhat mature, unlike you, Stark

Large Ego: Weren't you the one that said "pretending to need this guy really brings the team together"

Hawkish A-hole: When did Nat say this?

Capsicle: The Ultron fiasco

Nat: Betrayal, utter betrayal

Hawkish A-hole: You're the one who betrayed me! How dare you? Us Badass Normals should stick together.

Large Ego: Clint reads TVTropes?

Bucky Barnes: What is TVTropes?

Large Ego has changed Large Ego's display name to Iron Man

Iron Man: Barnes is also clearly a popsicle. Sorry about my overreaction in Siberia, by the way...

Capsicle: It's fine

Iron Man has changed Bucky Barnes's display name to Barnes-sicle

Barnes-sicle: Really? You have nothing more creative?

Iron Man has invited Skyenet

Skyenet has invited Mayday

Mayday: ...you didn't mention that you'd be involving me in this scheme of yours

Skyenet: Don't you want the Avengers's gossip?

Nat: Who is Skyenet?

Iron Man: Who?

Nat: The person you just added

Iron Man: What? I didn't add anyone...

Skyenet: Mwahahaha! Take a humility pill, Stark.

Iron Man has kicked Skyenet

Iron Man has added Skyenet

Iron Man: What?

Skyenet: Nice try. You do realize that I hacked you, right?

Hawkish A-hole: Ha! Stark just got humiliated

Capsicle: Why are you celebrating this? Were you involved? You're looking suspicious here, Barton

Nat: Clint wasn't involved. He has no clue who Skyenet or Mayday are. As I have no clue who they are.

Hawkish A-hole: Yeah! I'm only celebrating as revenge. 

Skyenet: @Mayday, should we tell them?

Mayday: Nah. This amuses me.

Hawkish A-hole: Tell us what?

Skyenet: She literally said that we weren't revealing that, Hawkeye.

Skyenet has changed Iron Man's display name to Stark

Skyenet has changed Hawkish A-hole's display name to Bird #1

Skyenet has changed Falcon's display name to Bird #2

Skyenet: These names are much better

Bird #2: Why am only Bird #2? 

Nat: Clint was here first

People Who Have Been Killed At Least Twice:

9:30 pm, July 26, 2024:

Skyenet: Done

Mayday: And she dragged me into it

Skyenet: Don't pretend that you didn't appreciate it, Mom

Skyenet: Also, we're trolling at least Black Widow and Hawkeye

Mayday: Hawkeye is now "Bird #1"

Skyenet: That was me being nice! His former display name was "Hawkish A-hole"

Coulson: Blame Stark. That's completely his style. How was texting Thor?

Mayday: He wasn't on.

Coulson: Ok. Why is my display name still Coulson? 

Mayday: Would you prefer Robo-lson? Or Coulrobo?

Coulson: No

Mayday: That's why.

Chapter Text

People Who Have Been Killed At Least Twice:

10:00 am, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: Do either of you have any ideas for trolling the Avengers? That was fun, so I want to do it again.

Mayday: Yeah, no. That is far too childish.

Coulson: First of all, May, you were fine with it earlier.

Mayday: Daisy pulled me into it! I wasn't given a choice.

Skyenet: But do you regret it? Do you wish to be removed from the group chat?

Mayday: ...no. You're a bad influence.

Skyenet: You know you love me. @Coulson, do you have any advice?

Mayday: Yes, I do. Bet Stark that he won't be the first human to invent time travel

Coulson: But Fitzsimmons already invented time travel

Mayday: Exactly. It would be a blow to Stark's ego

Skyenet: Yeah, except that's classified? Wouldn't that give away our identities?

Mayday: Technically, the only thing it would give away is that we're SHIELD agents.

Coulson: And Barton and Romanoff knew you, Melinda, before SHIELD went underground the first time. Your display name isn't exactly subtle.

Skyenet: I have a better idea.

Avengers Chat:

10:05 am, July 27, 2024:

Nat: Okay, I really want to know who Skyenet and Mayday are. They're a security risk

Bird #1: It's not that bad. We should let them keep doing their thing as long as they continue humiliating Stark

Capsicle: Clint, this is serious.

Bird #1: Party pooper

Iron Man: I'm with Cap. No one is allowed to humiliate me and get away with it.

Skyenet has changed Iron Man's display name to Ego The Size of Jupiter

Bird #1: Hahahahaha

Capsicle: Okay, that is admittedly pretty funny.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Cap finding something funny? It's the end of the world! The forties must have been filled with people who couldn't understand jokes.

Barnes-sicle: We had humor in the forties. Steve attempted to beat up men three times his size was hilarious. He loved getting into fights.

Nat: So Cap has never had a sense of self-preservation...

Capsicle: Bloody hell. I can take jokes!

Nat: Language

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Language

Thor: Language

Bird #1: Language

Bruce Banner: Language

Bird #2: Language

Wanda Maximoff: Language

Barnes-sicle: Why is everyone criticizing Stevie's language?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: He said "language" when I cussed when we were storming a HYDRA base

Capsicle: Oh let that go already. It's been years! It's almost been a decade! And Wanda wasn't even there!

Barnes-sicle: You're such a hypocrite. You used to swear like a sailor before you got defrosted!

Nat: He did?

Skyenet has changed Barnes-sicle's display name to Popsicle

Skyenet: It was getting on my nerves

Ego The Size of Jupiter has kicked Skyenet

Nat has added Skyenet

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Nat!

Nat: ...I just got hacked, didn't I?

Bird #1: ...ok. Maybe we should figure out who Skyenet is

Skyenet: Your ignorance is hilarious

Skyenet has changed Wanda Maximoff's display name to Witch

Skyenet has changed Bruce Banner's display name to Big Green Thing

Skyenet has changed Thor's display name to Asgardian

Skyenet: Much better

Who Is Skyenet?:

12:09 pm, July 27, 2024:

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Okay, seriously? Who is Skyenet? No one should be able to hack me and get away with it

Nat: They're clearly a security risk. That being said, the reasons are totally unrelated to Tony's ego

Bird #1: Yes. Nobody cares that you got hacked, Stark. The problem is that we trusted your servers!

Bird #2: Why aren't Cap or Barnes on this chat? This sounds like something that they'd be interested in

Nat: True, but they're also total incompetents with modern technology

Bird #2: Isn't Barton? He lives in a house cut off from civilization and fights with a bow

Bird #1: Oh, it's on, Wilson!

Nat has kicked Bird #1

Nat has kicked Bird #2

Nat: Do you have any theories, Stark?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: No. It's annoying me!

People Who Have Been Killed At least Twice:

2:54 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: Wow. The Avengers made a "secret" group chat for discussing who I am

Mayday: That's actually priceless. Don't give any hints yet

Coulson: Isn't that a little mean, May?

Mayday: Of course it is. That's the point

Skyenet: And she wants us to think that she's a bad person. I wonder what your students at the Coulson Academy would say if they saw this group chat

Mayday: Don't you dare

Skyenet: I wasn't planning on it. I would never betray my SO in such a way

Coulson: I feel like you guys are being a little harsh on the Avengers

Mayday: If nothing else, consider it revenge for them forcing SHIELD to go underground

Who Is Skyenet?:

5:10 pm, July 27, 2024:

Nat: Wait, are we certain that Skyenet doesn't have access to this chat?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Of course. She would've added herself if she did

Nat: Would she? She can see this just fine if she hacked one of our phones

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Have more faith in Starkphones, Widow

Nat: She's already hacked our Starkphones. I understand that you have a large ego, but you shouldn't let your ego blind you to the truth.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Hey! And what truth? That I got hacked? I would've noticed if she was in my phone

Ego The Size of Jupiter has added Skyenet

Skyenet: No, you wouldn't

Skyenet has deleted the chat

Avengers Chat:

6:00 pm, July 27, 2024:

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Skyenet is so f***ing annoying

Bird #1: Are you seriously still trying to keep this chat PG-13?

Capsicle: It's probably a bet

Popsicle: Or he's afraid of everyone saying language if he actually cusses, like they did to you?

Bird #1: Why is Skyenet annoying, Tony?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Nat and I had a chat for trying to figure out who Skyenet is, and then she hacked into it and deleting the f***ing chat. The entire thing!

Nat: Wow, Stark's really going for censuring his texts. I'm surprised

Nat: That being said, this is a serious problem

Skyenet: Haven't you heard that talking about people behind their backs is rude?

Nat: Yes. I just don't care

Bird #1: Where are Bruce and Thor? They're able to access this chat, clearly, but I have no clue where they are

Bird #2: Of course you don't. You've been under house arrest

Bird #1: My house arrest ended years ago, Wilson

Bird #2: Then why didn't you do any Avengering?

Nat: Enough! You can have your bird fight somewhere else

Mayday: *Grabs popcorn*

Skyenet: *Asks Mayday to share the popcorn*

Mayday: *Agrees*

Nat: Wait, what's the popcorn for?

Skyenet: Your utter humiliation in trying to figure out who I am

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Perhaps we should go to sleep and figure out this stuff in the morning

Skyenet: That won't increase your success rate, so do whatever you want

Capsicle: Did... did Tony Stark just suggest sleeping? Is the world ending?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Yes

Nat: Anybody up for a bet that Stark isn't actually going to sleep right now? He's probably going to tinker

Capsicle: I don't do suckers's bets

Popsicle: I was going to accept, actually, but I trust Stevie's judgement

Chapter Text

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

8:00 am, July 28, 2024:

Skyenet: How should I troll the Avengers today?

Mayday: You could just not troll them?

Skyenet: I know that you enjoy seeing the Avengers get trolled. I know this for a fact. So why are you trying to convince me not to troll them?

Coulson: She clearly wants to do all the trolling herself

Skyenet: But then who will ensure that she doesn't get kicked out?

Coulson: Maybe she didn't consider that

Mayday: You may have a point. Keep them guessing at your identity

Skyenet: Like, give them hints?

Mayday: Yes

Coulson: Isn't that really dangerous to your identity?

Skyenet: Not recent hints

Mayday: If she only mentions stuff from before the fall of SHIELD, they won't be able to figure anything out

Skyenet: Exactly

Coulson: ...this actually sounds really interesting. Why can't I participate again?

Mayday: The Avengers don't know that you're alive?

Coulson: They haven't identified you two yet

Skyenet: Yes, and we have display names. Your display name is your last name

Mayday: And they knew you

Skyenet: Wait... didn't Barton and Romanoff know May?

Mayday: I didn't have a Starkphone before SHIELD fell

Coulson: And they wouldn't expect you to have your display name be a pun

Avengers Chat:

8:05 am, July 28, 2024:

Nat: Is everyone awake yet?

Bird #1: Yes

Bird #2: Why are we supposed to be awake at this early hour?

Capsicle: This isn't that early. I mean, it's past dawn

Witch: Past dawn is still pretty early

Bird #1: It's not that early. Nat and I used to get up for missions before dawn all the time

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Wait, they made you work before dawn? So glad that I didn't work for SHIELD

Skyenet: Past dawn is late

Ego The Size of Jupiter: *Jots that information into my profile on Skyenet*

Skyenet: You have to keep a profile on me because I hacked you, and you have no clue who I am. Wow

Ego The Size of Jupiter: They're laughing, aren't they?

Mayday: Yep

Nat: Are you together right now?

Mayday: No, Widow, and I know better than to spill information to a former superspy

Bird #1: And are you...

Mayday: No, we're not together in any other way either, Agent Barton

Ego The Size of Jupiter: How do you know who Hawkeye is?

Skyenet: If you thought that you were keeping that a secret, you're delusional

Bird #2: Yes. Stark and Barton are delusional

Ego The Size of Jupiter: What did I ever do to you?

Bird #2: You had Vision shoot me when I was trying to help your friend

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Fair. I did apologize, though

Bird #1: Why do you dislike me, then?

Bird #2: I don't. You're just fun to argue with

Nat: Why is Clint still in this chat, by the way?

Bird #1: I'm an Avenger! How dare you betray me like this?

Nat: You retired

Ego The Size of Jupiter: This was part of the deal, actually. All of the original Avengers must work together on the new team

Ego The Size of Jupiter has invited Vision

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Thanks for reminding me that Vision existed, Wilson

Capsicle: Did you seriously forget that Vision existed, Stark? He's your son.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: What? How on Earth did you reason that?

Skyenet: You chucked an Infinity Stone into a body that had your AI uploaded into it and it got hit with Thor's lightning

Mayday: Skye!

Skyenet: What? That's what happened. Stark has terrible security. And Vision is Thor and Stark's lovechild

Vision: I am unsure as to how I should feel about this declaration

Nat: Everybody. Stop enabling the hacker who got into our systems

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

8:20 am, July 28, 2024:

Skyenet: Fine. Coulson can participate

Mayday: He'll give away our identities!

Skyenet: You addressed me by name in the Avengers group chat

Mayday: Yeah, I called you by your old name that you wiped out of existence

Coulson: What changed your mind, Daisy?

Skyenet: The Avengers's reactions when they find out that you're alive over text will be priceless

Mayday: That doesn't remove our problem

Skyenet: Not 100% sure that that problem exists, but I have a solution

Skyenet has changed Coulson's display name to Android Who Used To Be A Human But Isn't Anymore

Android Who Used To Be A Human But Isn't Anymore: Isn't this a bit long?

Mayday: It is a tad long

Skyenet: Stark's is Ego The Size of Jupiter

Avengers Chat:

8:30 am, July 28, 2024:

Big Green Thing: What's going on at the compound?

Nat: Who wants to fill Bruce in?

Skyenet has invited Android Who Used To Be A Human But Isn't Anymore

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Who is Android Who Used To Be A Human But Isn't Anymore?

Bird #2: I have no clue

Mayday: I refuse to divulge that information

Nat: Ignore Skyenet and the people she added. Bruce, we're doing training day

Asgardian: OH, I LIKE TRAINING DAY

Big Green Thing: I don't. But we won't be on Earth for this one

Asgardian: SAD

Asgardian: CAN WE INVITE ANYONE TO THIS CHAT?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Hypothetically, but you should check with me first. Also, please stop speaking in all caps.

To Be Continued

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

9:23 am, July 28, 2024:

Nat: @Ego The Size of Jupiter, where's your recruit? I did say that all of the Avengers should have a place in this chat.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Shoot, I forgot about him.

Ego The Size of Jupiter has added Spidey

Skyenet: If my intel is correct, this chat is about to get a whole lot more interesting...

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I can't tell if that's a good thing, Skye.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: So Skyenet's real name is Skye. If so, that's a terrible pun.

Nat: Hate to say it, but Stark's right.

Skyenet: Excuse me, it is an amazing pun. Also, one of my names is Skye, yes.

Nat: Wait, is Mayday also a pun?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Why? Would that help you obtain Skyenet's identity?

Nat: Yes

Mayday: Which is why I refuse to disclose that information

Skyenet: I just got a brilliant idea.

Skyenet has added Fury

Nat: Why did you invite a dead person?

Skyenet: If you seriously thought that I thought that Fury was dead, I'm sorry to inform you that you are very wrong

Fury: What is this chat?

Spidey: I was about to ask the same thing

Capsicle: It's a group chat for the Avengers. We got back together

Fury: Finally

Spidey: So, training day?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Yep

Fury: Also, I knew who Skyenet, Mayday, and Android Who Used To Be Human are

Skyenet: You'll keep the secret, though, right?

Fury: Of course. I have to get back at the Avengers somehow for the trouble that they've caused me

Ego The Size of Jupiter: What trouble? We solve problems not cause them

Bird #2: I'm with the pirate man here.

Fury: I can't tell whether or not I should flattered by your agreement or annoyed at your nickname

Ego The Size of Jupiter has changed Fury's display name to Pirate Man

Pirate Man: Stark!

Nat: I feel like all of you totally glossed over a vital piece of information we just learned

Bird #1: Yeah. All of you are so focused on Fury insulting you...

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Of course you'd agree with your partner, Barton. Partner in multiple senses of the word

Bird #1: I'm married, Stark! You knew this. You sold out my family

Ego The Size of Jupiter: You mean to tell me that you haven't a threesome

Bird #1: No! And that's ridiculous. Would you have a threesome with both yourself and Pepper?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: That sounds awesome

Skyenet: I'm not surprised...

Spidey: Can we talk about something else? Don't we have training day to get to?

Nat: The thing that everyone else is ignoring that Skyenet has Fury's number!

Ego The Size of Jupiter: I'll add it to the list. Probably won't help much

Capsicle: Did you do a Google search for her name?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Of course. There were no results

Vision: Doesn't that mean that she legally doesn't exist?

Pirate Man: Or she's using an alias

Skyenet has changed Pirate Man's display name to Former Director

Former Director: Thank you, Skye

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

10:00 am, July 28, 2024:

Skyenet: I'm pretty sure that Spiderman is a teenager, by the way, so don't be surprised if that gets revealed

Mayday: I wouldn't put it past Stark

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Only if he was very desperate

Mayday: Like during the Avengers Civil War?

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Ye... okay, point taken

Mayday: Do we really need Coulson to have this long display name in this chat?

Skyenet: Sadly, Stark designed Starkphones so everyone only has one display name, so yes

Mayday: So inconvenient

SHIELD People Who Are Trolling The Avengers:

10:05 am, July 28, 2024

Skyenet has added Former Director

Skyenet has added Mayday

Skyenet has added Android Who Used To Be A Human But Isn't Anymore

Former Director: What is this?

Skyenet: A chat to discuss things and plan how to make the Avengers annoyed

Former Director: Okay, so Skyenet is former Agent Skye, currently Agent Daisy Johnson/Quake, Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore is Coulson, and Mayday is May, right?

Mayday: Correct

Avengers Chat:

10:10 am, July 28, 2024:

Popsicle: Okay, so can we start training day now? I understand that you guys got distracted, but Natasha should really keep her own advice

Nat: What advice?

Popsicle: Stop enabling the hackers

Nat: I gave that advice before I knew that she knew Fury

Skyenet: Did you just assume my gender?

Nat: Yes. I'm a super spy. I'm rarely wrong

Skyenet: You're correct. Also, I did notice the "rarely" there

Bird #2: I agree with Bucky

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Yes. I will yet win this bet

Popsicle: What bet?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Nothing. It's nothing. Let's start training day, shall we? We'll start with weight lifting

Nat: Let me Tai Chi first

Capsicle: Wow. Spiderman can lift...

Skyenet: How much is he lifting?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: 2 tons

Nat: Stark! Don't share privileged information with possible enemies!

Spidey: Y is that privileged information?

Asgardian: IS USING A Y INSTEAD OF WHY COMMON ON MIDGARD?

Witch: That's what Thor chooses to ask?

Nat: Only among the young folks, Thor. Not that we're old, but those younger than us

Skyenet: Do not worry, Stark, we are not enemies.

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Then why did you hack me?

Asgardian has added Loki

Ego The Size of Jupiter: THOR, I SAID TO CHECK WITH ME BEFORE ADDING PEOPLE

Capsicle: This is going to be a disaster

Skyenet: It wasn't already?

Capsicle: More of a disaster

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

10:15 am, July 28, 2024:

Loki: What is this?

Thor: IT IS A CHAT WHERE I CAN TALK TO MY FRIENDS, DESPITE THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US!

Loki: Sheesh, brother, you don't need to shout

Thor: I AM NOT SHOUTING!

Loki: Also, which friends?

Thor: MY MIDGARDIAN ONES, OF COURSE

Loki: Did they approve this?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: OF COURSE WE DIDN'T

Bird #2: I don't really see what the big deal is

Popsicle: Yeah, if Thor added Loki, he's probably reformed, right?

Bird #1: Loki going through a Heel-Face Turn? Please. Be realistic.

Bird #2: Hey, Bucky went through one

Bird #1: To be fair, Bucky was brainwashed

Popsicle: Yeah, I really don't like being compared to Loki, the murdering megalomaniac who tried to take over Earth

Ego The Size of Jupiter: How does Bucky know about what happened during the Battle of New York?

Popsicle: Stevie told me

Nat: Start training, you guys. It's training day!

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Do I have to?

Skyenet: I'm pretty sure that Black Widow is going to say yes.

Nat: Yes!

Skyenet: See?

Nat: More importantly, how does Skyenet know my identity?

Skyenet: I've been associated with SHIELD before...

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

10:18 am, July 28, 2024:

Mayday: Don't reveal classified information, Daisy

Skyenet: I didn't! I said I was involved with SHIELD, not that I still am

Skyenet: Both of which are true, by the way

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I suspect the truth will come out eventually, so we should probably ensure that it comes out on our terms

Mayday: Yeah, but not yet

Avengers Chat:

10:29 am, July 28, 2024:

Nat: We need another Who Is Skyenet? chat

Loki: Wait, you don't know who she is? And you let her onto your private communication system anyway?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: No, we didn't. She hacked in. And then added her friends

Bird #1: Which apparently include Fury

Nat: And she periodically drops hints about her identity

Loki: Do you have her name?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: We have a name, but it matches no database that I can access

Loki: I shall have to see about befriending her. This seems like amazing mischief.

Former Director: @Skyenet, @Mayday, and @Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore I really hope that Loki is good now. That would allow us to add him to our pranking chat

Spidey: Am I the only one doing training day?

Nat: Right. Training Day. Let's actually do that. Starting with obstacle courses

Capsicle: Personalized obstacle courses

Skyenet: So, Loki, what's your opinion on the Battle of New York?

Bird #1: Why are you asking him that question? 

Skyenet: To see if he's been redeemed...

Loki: Mind controlling others was wrong. And not even funny. My plan was stupid (exactly as planned!). To be fair, I was under duress

Skyenet: Thanos?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Who is this Thanos?

Thor has added Valkyrie

Loki: You had to add her

Valkyrie: Hello to you too, Lackey

Ego The Size of Jupiter: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT ADDING PEOPLE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!!!!?

Capsicle: We heard you

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We just don't care 

Loki: To answer Stark's question, Thanos is an alien who wanted to wipe out half the universe. I have no clue how that's going for him

Capsicle: Wait, how does Loki know Stark asked that question?

Loki: Who else has an ego large enough to be called the Size of Jupiter? Which is incorrect

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Thank you!

Loki: Stark's ego clearly dwarfs Jupiter. It's almost tangible. 

Ego The Size of Jupiter: No, it isn't, you little s*it

Popsicle: Okay, seriously, is there something censoring language? Because almost nobody has said a cuss word. And this is the Avengers.

Bird #2: I doubt it. Stark probably just doesn't want everybody saying "language" again

Bird #1: Are you kidding? Stark completely made a bet about going a certain length of time without cussing and then programmed something to censor his texts

Skyenet: Loki is right

Skyenet has changed Ego The Size of Jupiter's display name to Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter

Witch: Wait, there's a trolling squad? I want in. I must have revenge...

Skyenet: I'll consult the others

SHIELD People Who Are Trolling the Avengers:

10:38 am, July 28, 2024:

Skyenet: Should we allow Loki in?

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: He seems to have reformed

Mayday: You trust too easily, Coulson. I say we wait a bit

Former Director: I noticed that he's never actually apologized for New York or killing Coulson

Mayday: Does he know that Coulson isn't dead? He is part of the Asgardian Royal Family...

Skyenet: The family drama of that family could fill, like, three movies.

Former Director: To be fair, the family drama of your SHIELD Team could be a multi-season TV show, so you have no room to talk

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: What's your theory, May?

Mayday: Either Odin or Sif told him

Former Director: Why would either of those people - okay, Asgardians - know about Coulson being alive?

Skyenet: You're really behind, aren't you? We've had two encounters with Sif. The first was the Lorelei Incident.

Former Director: I see

Skyenet: And the second was when I underwent Terrigenesis - when I got my powers. Apparently I'm a weapon that she thought needed to be destroyed

Mayday: We corrected that misconception

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: To be fair to her, your powers do make you weapon, Daisy. You did destroy the planet

Mayday: That was in an alternate timeline!

Skyenet: And I was probably under mind control

Former Director: Is there anywhere where I can read over what happened with SHIELD?

Skyenet: Mack probably has files. May's busy teaching

Former Director: Melinda May? Teaching? This I have to see

Mayday: Okay, back to the purpose of this chat. Do we allow Wanda in?

Former Director: She's an Avenger

Skyenet: But she didn't know Coulson

Former Director: She still might tell the others - especially Barton. Word on the street is that he's adopted her

Mayday: We can make her sign NDA's

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Isn't that a bit extreme?

Former Director: I am not getting attacked by angry superheroes!

Skyenet: Ah. So the mighty Director Fury is afraid?

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

11:00 am, July 28, 2024:

Skyenet: How go those "personalized obstacle courses" Black Widow was talking about?

Nat: Badly, considering that no one is actually doing them

Mayday: You should just start listing punishments that they'll get for not doing these courses

Nat: That isn't a bad idea...

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: No! Please no! I have so much left to live for

Capsicle: Is anyone surprised that Stark thinks that working out will be deadly?

Bird #2: Steve... that was probably just Stark being dramatic

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: I'm NOT dramatic

Popsicle: Right...

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: No other engineer/scientist has to do workouts on assigned training days

Former Director: Fitzsimmons begs to differ

Skyenet: Fury! Information that could give away my identity shall not be stated in the hacked chat!

Former Director: Please. I doubt that Stark has even heard of Fitzsimmons. His ego is too large to consider that other scientists might be like him

Nat: Is it just me, or did Fury just roast Stark?

Spidey: I think he did... Truly today is a glorious day

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Betrayed by my own protege...

Popsicle: And you say that you're not dramatic

Capsicle: Nat... why is the end of my obstacle course an ice cube?

Nat: They're personalized obstacle courses, and you were frozen in ice...

Capsicle: Bucky's doesn't end in an ice cube!

Former Director: I mean, technically, Barnes wasn't frozen for decades. He was just occasionally frozen by HYDRA

Bird #2: What happened to HYDRA anyway?

Capsicle: They went down with Strucker, didn't they?

Skyenet: No. No, they didn't

Witch: They didn't? Why did they not hunt me down then? They did say that they would find me and Pietro if we ever left... HYDRA hates defectors

Skyenet: They had other problems

Witch: Like?

Skyenet: Trying to free their god

Former Director: SHIELD Chat. Now

Skyenet: Or you could read the files...

Skyenet has left the chat

Former Director has left the chat

Nat: Hey! I actually learned a lot from that exchange!

Bird #1: Like what, Natasha? Like what?

Nat: Skyenet is or was a SHIELD Agent

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Which only narrows it down to several thousand people

Nat: Right. Now, obstacle courses...

Popsicle: I'll start

Bird #2: If you finish successfully, I'll do something nice for you.

Popsicle: Like a date?

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Yes! My ship is sailing!

Bird #2: Yes

Capsicle: What is a "ship"?

Nat: I'll tell you later

Bird #1: Damn. He just hit that bullseye from 3 miles away. I didn't even know the Winter Soldier could shoot a bow. He's nowhere near as good as me, of course...

Bird #2: Clint. He's a sniper, you numbskull

Mayday: The area where you are training is large enough that you can shoot from 3 miles away?

Bird #1: Yeah, but the ability to shoot guns doesn't always correlate to the ability to shoot bows

Capsicle: And he prefers "White Wolf" now

Bird #1: And I refuse to call him that on the grounds that only one character gets to be called that

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Birdbrain's a GOT fan? I mean, I knew that he liked Lord of the Rings, but Game of Thrones?

Bird #1: Ahem. I am an ASOIAF fan. GOT is an insult to those books, and the ending sucked.

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: On that, at least, we can agree

Nat: Guys. Focus. Bucky just reached the end of his solo course, so we need to choose someone to fight him before he is done

Bird #2: I would be too easily distracted in such a fight...

Spidey: Why?

Bird #1: You see, child, when a person loves another person but they refuse to admit their feelings and are in close physical contact with one another...

Spidey: Okay, okay. I get it! TMI, Mr. Barton

Bird #1: Do you want to see two people firing at each other from a distance and nothing else?

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Such a fight involving me would be unfair...

Nat: You can use your suits

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: I'll consider it

Capsicle: I refused to fight my best friend when he was still a HYDRA assassin. Why would I be willing to fight him now?

Nat: Because it's a training match?

Capsicle: Nope

Nat: Wanda?

Witch: I would use my powers on accident

Nat: These excuses are getting lamer and lamer. Fine. Vision?

Vision: Why are we doing this over text? ALL OF US ARE IN PERSON, AREN'T WE?

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Texting is easier

SHIELD People Who Are Trolling The Avengers:

11: 17 am, July 28, 2024:

Former Director: HYDRA had a god?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Daisy. You revealed that in the Avengers Chat?

Skyenet: Yes

Former Director: Did you at least stop HYDRA from releasing their god?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Nope, but... I'll let May tell you

Mayday: We managed to kill it

Skyenet: Like the badasses we are

Former Director: Yes to adding Wanda (with NDA's) and Loki to the squad and good job

Skyenet had added Witch

Skyenet has added Loki

Mayday: First of all, Wanda, print and sign these NDAs

Mayday: (NDAs to sign)

Witch: Isn't this a little paranoid? And you do realize that your identities will be discovered eventually

Mayday: And that will happen on our terms

Skyenet has changed the chat name to People Who Are Trolling the Avengers

Loki: So who's who? And when do we start?

Skyenet: We start once the Avengers stop generating enough entertainment from "Training Day"

Mayday: I'm Melinda May

Witch: Wanda Maximoff

Skyenet: Daisy Johnson

Loki: The Destroyer of Worlds? The Angel of Death?

Skyenet: Don't call me those names, but yes

Android Who Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Phil Coulson

Loki: Sorry for killing you. How did you get resurrected?

Former Director: That's classified. And it's Nick Motherfucking Fury

Avengers Chat:

11:34 am, July 28, 2024:

Former Director has joined the chat

Skyenet had joined the chat

Former Director: We're back, motherfuckers

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Language!

Popsicle: Language!

Witch: Language!

Vision: Language!

Bird #1: Language!

Bird #2: Language!

Nat: Language!

Capsicle: Let it go already!

Skyenet: Apparently somebody cussed and Cap said "language", so it's an Avengers meme now

Former Director: Okay... Also, I can fight Barnes

Skyenet has added War Machine to the chat

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Right. Rhodey counts as an Avenger

Capsicle: Stark. How did you forget this?

War Machine: To be fair, I have been on bedrest due to someone

Vision: I said sorry!

War Machine: I know. I just wanted to say "due to someone"

War Machine: Who's Skyenet?

Nat: We don't know

War Machine: And you added her to your group chat anyway?

Capsicle: She hacked in and added her friends - which apparently include Fury

Nat: I think that she was ex-SHIELD. It's been heavily implied

Nat: Also, fine. Fury can fight Bucky. All of you are cowards.

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Why didn't you fight him?

Nat: Because the last time we fought, he almost killed me and I don't want flashbacks

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

11:42 am, July 28, 2024:

Ego The Size of Jupiter: So... apparently Fury can fight

Capsicle: Yep. He apparently isn't a total wimp

Mayday: You do realize that you're talking about the ex-director of SHIELD here? Spies can generally fight

Skyenet: And he will be able to see this chat once we're done

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Cra... erm, crud

Bird #1: This censor is just getting sad

Bird #2: Yes! Bucky! Cream him!

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Wait, we can pick sides now?

Capsicle: Whose side would you pick?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Well, Fury is an interfering d*ck, but Barnes did kill my parents

Capsicle: Under mind control. By HYDRA!

Nat: Yeah, I thought we were over the whole you-killed-my-parents-prepare-to-die spiel

Bird #1: Nat, that is a terrible name

Ego The Size of Jupiter: We are! That doesn't mean I have to like Barnes!

Mayday: Skye? Can you get us video footage of the Avengers's training room?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Good idea

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Ha! You are foolish! My security would never allow that

Skyenet: You mean the same security that protects your Starkphone group chats from getting hacked?

Loki: Send me the footage. I want to see this fight

Ego The Size of Jupiter: She's not going to get the footage because I'm going to improve my security

Skyenet: Too late. I'll post the footage on our trolling chat

Capsicle: Trolling people is mean

Spidey: Uh, Cap? Pretty sure that we're the ones being trolled

Capsicle: So?

Skyenet: So we won't stop just because someone that we're trolling tells us to

Capsicle: Go Buck! Punch the lying son of a b*tch who failed to notice HYDRA in his own organization

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, it seems like me, @Skyenet, and @Mayday have a few things to talk about

Mayday has left the chat

Skyenet has left the chat

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore has left the chat

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Why did they leave so quickly?

Capsicle: And why now?

Bird #2: Your comment about Fury, Cap! Obviously!

Capsicle: But why would they care about my insults toward Fury?

Nat: I mean, those could also be construed as general insults toward SHIELD. And we will be talking about them later!

Capsicle: Okay, Nat

Witch: Really? No rebellion at all? Not even a sarcastic comment? Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?

Bird #1: He probably thinks that he can escape Nat's wrath by pretending to be apologetic

Nat: He better not try that

Capsicle: Wanda

Witch: I told the truth as I saw it. Isn't that the "right thing to do"?

Capsicle: Don't... don't

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Is Cap shutting down?

Capsicle: Don't... use

Bird #2: Can't even get a full sentence out, it seems

Capsicle: Don't use my own words against me, Wanda!

Popsicle: Fury and I have paused our duel until you PAY ATTENTION TO IT

Ego The Size of Jupiter: And you call me a drama queen

Bird #1: I mean, you are. It just seems to be a trait that you share with Bucky.

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

11:45 am, July 28, 2024:

Mayday: Coulson!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: What? We do have a lot of things to talk about now

Skyenet: Yes, but having everyone storm out of the chat makes us seem really suspicious. Especially since we know that they know that we know Fury

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: May left first! I left last!

Skyenet: Yeah. Because we didn't want to be spammed with messages from that chat

Mayday: Did you get into the security cameras?

Skyenet: Of course, but we're supposed to be talking about Coulson's recklessness

Mayday: Cut him some slack, Daisy. He did just find out that his childhood hero isn't perfect

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I never thought Cap was perfect, and, if I ever was that naive, that died on the Hellicarrier. I just didn't think he hated SHIELD

Skyenet: I doubt he hates SHIELD. He's just pissed at Fury

Mayday: And, if he does hate SHIELD, I'm sure Natasha will talk him around 

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Sure. She'll just "talk" to him

Mayday: It shouldn't be fatal? The injuries should just be minor

Skyenet: Okay! I think that we have our decision and can get back to the Avengers Chat now

Avengers Chat:

12:00 pm, July 29, 2024:

Skyenet has joined the chat

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore has joined the chat 

Mayday has joined the chat

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Great! I thought that we had finally gotten rid of these guys!

Skyenet: Well, that's not very nice

Mayday: So how's the spar going?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Amazingly. Fury has managed to turn the tables on Barnes again. Barnes is about to have a gun to his head. It's awesome

Mayday: I wasn't aware that you liked former director Fury?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: I like him more than I like Barnes

Capsicle: Things are nowhere as one-sided as Tony made them out to be. Buck is completely holding his own

Bird #1: Didn't you bet Stark that this battle would be over in ten minutes with Bucky as the victor?

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Yes, he did. I made some money off this fight at least

Capsicle: You're a billionaire. What do you need money for?

Bird #1: Clearly he just wants to experience the job of winning

Ego The Size of Jupiter: Yes! What Birdbrain said!

Bird #1: What? No. Sam's Birdbrain. I'm Legolas!

Nat: Guys, they just dropped the guns and are now fighting with swords

Bird #2: Swords? What's the point of that? At least Bucky will cream Fury

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I wouldn't count Fury out so soon

Nat: And now they've dropped the swords and are just fighting with their fists

Nat: So they should be about even... evenly bad

Nat: Or not

Mayday: And... Fury wins

Bird #2: That was so not a fair fight

Former Director: It was perfectly fair. Also, really, Cap? You're supposed to be better than such petty insults

Capsicle: Sorry, Fury

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

12:24 pm, July 24, 2024:

Skyenet: @Nat, have you beaten up Cap for insulting Fury yet?

Nat: No. a) we're doing training day, and b) I want him to be paranoid. My revenge must come like a thief in the night

Ego The Size of Jupiter: So glad I'm not on Natashalie's bad side

Nat: You will be if you keep calling me Natashalie or if you insult people I like. Also, when did you change your display name?

Bird #1: And why didn't we get an alert when you did

Skyenet has changed Ego The Size of Jupiter's display name to Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter

Skyenet: Fixed!

Mayday: But we must ensure that it can't happen again

JARVIS has agreed to alert the Avengers Chat if Tiny Stank ever changes his display name, even if he hacks and deletes the message

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Wha... what... how did you even?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: @Skyenet, I'll pay up later. Did not think Stark was that easy to break

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: I'm not... I'm not.... broken

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Made to stutter, then

Capsicle: Hahahahahaha...

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: And this is supposed to be the epitome of American values

Capsicle: Eat the rich has been a value to a lot of Americans

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: What? Don't eat me!

Spidey: It's not meant to be literal, Mr. Stark

Nat: Since clearly nobody's doing Training Day, I assume that we're calling that over?

Popsicle: Yes

Nat: At least everyone except Stark did some exercise

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: I exercised

Loki: Oh? Is trolling the Metal Man the new job? I can do that very well

Asgardian: BROTHER, THAT MIGHT LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE REVENGE

Valkyrie: Oh, chillax, Thor. This seems like a very worthy cause, especially considering what the dude did

Skyenet: An ancient Valkyrie who was trapped on a trash planet for centuries knows the word "chillax"? How?

Valkyrie: Wait, that's actually a word to Midgardians now?

Nat: It's slang, so technically no, but truthfully yes

Loki: Back on topic, it seems as if the Metal Man cannot even refer to himself correctly

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: I considered "Metal Man". It was far too generic!

Loki: Yes, but shouldn't it be Gold-Titanium alloy Man?

Witch: Screenshotted for the blackmail folder

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: What blackmail folder?

Skyenet: @Mayday, @Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore, @Loki, @Former Director, and @Witch, we need to talk real quick. Everybody else, I leave you a parting gift

Nat: What kind of gift? It better not be a virus! I will hunt you down if it is!

Skyenet: No, it's nothing of the sort. Just this

Skyenet has changed Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter's display name to Tiny Stank

Skyenet: Sayonara

Skyenet has left the chat

Mayday has left the chat

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore has left the chat

Loki has left the chat

Former Director has left the chat

Witch has left the chat

Bird #1: Hahahahahahah. Tiny Stank...

Bird #2: Priceless!

Tiny Stank: Great. Now the bird squad is ganging up on me

Bird #2: Clint, do you actually wish to create a Bird Squad?

Bird #1: Nah. We can have a Bird/Spy Squad, though. Nat will kill me if I'm in a chat without her

Nat: Yes I would

Capsicle: Can I join this Squad? I technically used to work for SHIELD

Tiny Stank: That logic doesn't even make sense

Bird #1: You don't make sense

Tiny Stank has rage-quit the chat

Tiny Stank: What? No! I didn't rage-quit!

FRIDAY has added herself to the chat

Spidey: How does that even work?

FRIDAY: You were about to, Boss.

People Who Are Trolling the Avengers:

12:57 pm, July 24, 2024:

Loki: That was glorious

Witch: Of course it was. Stark got pranked

Former Director: Yes, it was great, but we need to go bigger!

Skyenet: I agree with Fury. All of the Avengers should be our targets

Witch: Even me? *Sad face*

Skyenet: ...except Wanda

Loki: Who is Witch/Wanda anyway?

Witch: I am your WORST NIGHTMARE! I am...

Skyenet: She's Scarlet Witch

Witch: Did you just hack me to interrupt my message? Rude!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: That is kind of rude, Daisy

Skyenet: You were going to pull a Stark and have a long and dramatic introduction. I saved us from that

Mayday: And she saved you from becoming like Stark. Be thankful for that

Loki: Ideas for pranks?

Former Director: Why did we invite Loki to this chat again?

Mayday: He's the god of mischief, and therefore a good being to consult on anything relating to mischief, especially pranks

Loki: Worry not, former ruler of Earth. I have no further designs on ruling your planet. And my pranking resume is beyond reproach! I began from a young age

Witch: Thor always tells a story of how you transformed into a snake and bit him

Former Director: Did that have a chance of killing him?

Loki: No. That's the Asgardian equivalent of a stubbed toe or something

Mayday: So you basically tricked him into stubbing his own toe in Earth terms?

Loki: Yep

Former Director: Why did you invade Earth? Also, I was never the ruler of Earth!

Loki: Daddy issues

Mayday: Thor's fact-checking that

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Is that because of his "dreaminess"?

Loki: Wait, what? 

Former Director: Hill also said that Thor was a god because of his arms. Speaking of Hill, should we add her?

Skyenet: Is she childish enough to go along with this?

Former Director: This is not childish. It's mere revenge.

Loki: Fury, you were completely the ruler of Earth. What else do you call directing their spy operations?

Android That Used To Be Used Human But Isn't Anymore: I hate to say this, but I agree with Loki.

Former Director: Regardless, we could replace all of Hawkeye's bows. That's the only prank we're playing on him, though.

Loki: Won't you need to get to his house or wherever he's living to do that?

Skyenet: I have that information

Former Director: Excellent

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I hate to ask this, but what about Natasha?

Mayday: We dye her hair green and frame Cap

Skyenet: Revenge on both of them for forcing SHIELD underground

Former Director: Which was necessary

Mayday: We should still get revenge

Former Director: Sure

Chapter Text

People Who Are Trolling the Avengers:

1:15 pm, July 24, 2024:

Skyenet: Okay, so we have three of our targets down, but we must decide what to do to others

Loki: Are we trolling Thor?

Mayday: When you guys get to Earth and complete all the required paperwork

Loki: Wait, paperwork? There's required paperwork?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Of course there is. There always is

Mayday: Also, Loki, fair warning - once you get to Earth, you're an acceptable target to everyone else - for pranking only, of course

Former Director: Wait, wait, wait. You mean this prank war will have backstabbing?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Of course. It's a prank war. Everyone's fair game, although the official prank war doesn't start until the Asgardians reach Earth

Loki: I approve

Former Director: Coulson, you won't prank me, will you?

Skyenet: Honestly, he probably will. He has get revenge on you for resurrecting him unethically somehow

Mayday: So watch your back

Witch: What? I'm not even going to ask. Anyway, I have an idea for another prank on Romanoff, if you'll hear it

Skyenet: What is this idea?

Witch: When we were on the run, I heard her complaining about her - and I quote - "stupid, criticizing sister". I recommend we add her to the Avengers group chat and watch the chaos

Former Director: Romanoff has a sister? She never told me this!

Skyenet: I could probably get her number from Natasha's phone, though

Loki: Invoking sibling rivalries. How wonderfully diabolic of you

Former Director: What's that supposed to mean?

Loki: Nothing

Mayday: we have any other ideas for pranking Cap, then?

Skyenet: I hacked the Spiderkid's phone

Witch: And this is relevant to pranking Cap why?

Skyenet: His texts complain about "Captain America PSAs"

Loki: PSAs?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Public Service Announcements

Mayday: So we should post these in full view of the other Avengers?

Skyenet: Exactly. And I'll stream to us so that we can view the reactions

Loki: I'm confused. Why is that a prank?

Skyenet: The PSAs are probably like pep talks - and this kind of thing is almost always really cheesy

Former Director: ...Cap filmed PSAs and didn't tell SHIELD about it? The nerve...

Skyenet: He was probably too humiliated to talk about them

Former Director: Which is why he should have told me - I would've made SHIELD Agents watch them! Then he wouldn't be the only one humiliated

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I just had a great idea - that I will be private messaging Daisy and May about

Loki: Why not just tell us?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: That would ruin the surprise!

Former Director: Can we please shorten Coulson's name?

Skyenet: Maybe when the Avengers figure out our identities

Mayday: I just pulled off the hair changing prank. For some weird reason, Natasha showers at two in the afternoon

Avengers Chat:

2:30 pm, July 24, 2024:

Nat: STEVE! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

Tiny Stank: What did goody two shoes Cap do?

Nat: He pranked me!

Capsicle: What? No. No, I didn't

Bird #1: Cap, why would you prank Natasha? Even I'm not that stupid

Capsicle: I DIDN'T PRANK NATASHA AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE THINKS I DID!

Nat: YOU DIDN'T, HUH? THEN WHY IS A NOTE THAT SAYS "ENJOY THE GREEN HAIR - CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS" NEXT TO MY F***ING SHAMPOO?

Capsicle: I DON'T KNOW!

Spidey: Do you guys have to speak in all caps? We all get you're angry

Bird #1: Steve! Did you hide my arrows?

Capsicle: What? No!

Bird #1: But you pranked Nat...

Capsicle: I didn't prank Nat! I was framed!

Tiny Stank: This is beautiful

Vision: I wonder if you will still think that when you are pranked, Walking Ego

Capsicle: ...I suppose we need to work on Vision's timing

Tiny Stank: Nice to see that you remembered my nicknaming lessons, although you're not supposed to use them on me

Vision: You said to use them whenever I have a point to make to someone

Popsicle: Stark. You gave Vision nicknaming lessons?

Witch has joined the chat

Skyenet has joined the chat

Loki has joined the chat

Former Director has joined the chat

Mayday has joined the chat

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore has joined the chat

Skyenet: What'd we miss?

Capsicle: So it wasn't you

Mayday: What wasn't us?

Capsicle: Apparently somebody hid Clint's arrows and framed me for doing something to Nat

Skyenet: What did they do?

Capsicle: I don't know

Nat: Don't act innocent, Cap! You know you dyed my hair green

Loki: Ah. I thought that my mischief senses were tingling

Former Director: How does Barton get around?

Nat: The vents... but he knows better than to prank me. And he got pranked as well, so it wasn't him

Bird #1: I appreciate your faith in me, Nat

Bird #2: And you wonder why we all used to ship Clintasha

Nat: IT IS A SIBLING RELATIONSHIP!

Popsicle: Yeah, we get that now

Nat: Now, since it wasn't the people trolling Stank - good job, by the way - I must trust the note

Nat: STEVE, YOU ARE GOING TO PAY

Tiny Stank: *grabs popcorn*

Popsicle: You willing to share?

Tiny Stank: I'm feeling nice, so yes. Although shouldn't you be more concerned about your friend getting beat up by a superspy?

Bird #2: Hey, I want popcorn too! And Steve deserves a beating every once in a while. It helps keep his ego down

Capsicle: I HEARD THAT

Tiny Stank: I mean, technically, you didn't hear anything

Capsicle: FINE, I SAW IT

Bird #2: Good. I have to support my man's decisions

Popsicle: And this is revenge for all the times you made me worry by putting your scrawny little butt in danger!

Bird #2: You'll be fine

Capsicle: No I won't. I'm being chased by two very angry superspies!

Tiny Stank: You'll live

Skyenet has added Yelena Belova to the chat

Yelena Belova: What is this?

Skyenet: The Avengers's group chat - and why is your display name your full name? Let me fix that

Skyenet has changed Yelena Belova's display name to Black Widow #2

Nat: You had to add her. Wait, how do you even have her number?

Skyenet: Your phone needs better security

Witch: And somebody needs to keep you on your toes

Nat: Wanda!

Tiny Stank: Yeah, Wanda. I'm betrayed. How dare you plan on trolling Natasha without telling me? We could've made it even better by sharing ideas

Capsicle: And I thought he was going to reprimand her for being immature

Former Director: Well, since we're adding people anyway...

Former Director has added Maria Hill to the chat

Maria Hill: Really, Fury? The Avengers's group chat?

Tiny Stank: Well, it's supposed to be the Avengers's group chat anyway

Tiny Stank: *cough, cough* @Skyenet, @Mayday, @Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore, @Loki, @Valkyrie, and @Black Widow #2

Former Director: I have taken to viewing it as a good thing. I can finally get revenge for all the cr*p the Avengers have put me through

Maria Hill: Why aren't you cussing?

Former Director: Everybody repeats "Language" every time anybody cusses

Maria Hill: Anyway, if I can get back at the Avengers for their PR disasters, I'm all in

Former Director: Excellent!

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

2:40 pm, July 24, 2024:

Maria Hill: What's going on, then? I heard a lot of screaming...

Tiny Stank: Steve died Natasha's hair green. 

Bird #1: You mean that Steve dyed Nat's hair green

Popsicle: Is it just me, or did Clint just correct Cap's spelling?

Skyenet: It's not just you

Maria Hill: This doesn't seem like a Cap move. Are we sure Cap did it?

Mayday: Natasha is, and that's all that matters

Maria Hill: Let me check something

Black Widow #2: I never thought I'd see the day my sister attacked Captain America for pranking her...

Tiny Stank: This is actually a relatively normal day

Popsicle: Except the Stevie pulling a prank part... that's very new

Popsicle: He was always provocative, but it was rarely to people on what he viewed as his side...

Bird #2: Am I the only one confused on who Black Widow 2 is?

Witch: She's Nat's sister. We established this

Skyenet: There is a disturbing lack of sibling fighting right now, though

Mayday: Give it time. It will start up soon enough

Tiny Stank: @Mayday and @Skyenet, you guys are very disturbing sometimes

Skyenet: Good. That means I'm doing my job

Tiny Stank: What is she, an alien, come to Earth to cause chaos?

Skyenet: You're getting closer...

Tiny Stank: That was a joke

Capsicle: This info is noted for identity guessing

Skyenet has changed Loki's display name to Mischief

Mischief: Why is the good Captain not getting chased around by the Widow?

Valkyrie: Yeah, doesn't she want revenge for the hair-dying prank?

Capsicle: Both of you are looking very suspicious rn. I don't remember pranking Nat, remember?

Nat: Yes, they are, but I know that you bribed them, Steve! You are attempting to draw suspicion off of you. Well, it won't work!

Bird #1: Yes, Captain! Give me back my bows.

Tiny Stank: And return control of my suits to me!

Capsicle: What?

Black Widow #2: What's going on with Stark's suits?

Maria Hill: This is priceless. Iron Man's suits are just going everywhere - waving to employees, punching other Avengers, and some are even screaming 'Tony Stank rocks!'

Capsicle: I didn't do that, just as I didn't dye Black Widow's hair or steal Hawkeye's bows! I'm innocent

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Cap is being very convincing

Skyenet: Gotta admit, I didn't see that comment coming

Tiny Stank: Why not?

Mayday: That would be telling now, wouldn't it?

Tiny Stank: You can't hide forever...

Skyenet: We know

Witch: @Mayday, I thought we were allies!

Mayday: I said nothing of the sort

Witch: You implied it!

Skyenet: Okay, that's hilarious. My congratulations to whoever did that. So accurate

Witch: The accuracy is beside the point!

Black Widow #2: What happened?

Tiny Stank: Hahahahahaha! That's priceless. 

Bird #2: Since clearly none of these idiots are going to answer the question of what on Earth is going on, I will

Popsicle: And I'll help

Bird #2: Okay, so, in the lobby of Stark/Avengers Tower, there's a banner. It often has motivational sayings on it

Popsicle: When it isn't being used for pranks, like right now

Bird #2: Right now, it says 'Wandavision Forever! They're so cute together.'

Popsicle: Which is funny because Wanda was trying to keep the fact that she's dating Vision a secret

Bird #1: @Witch, you were trying to keep that a secret?

Nat: No offense, my apprentice, but all of the Avengers knew that already

Maria Hill: Even I did

People Who Are Trolling The Avengers:

2:45 pm, July 24, 2024:

Maria Hill: Stealing control of Tony's suits? Whose idea was this?

Former Director: It was mine, Hill!

Maria Hill: I was going to compliment your style!

Former Director: Oh. Okay.

Maria Hill: Does anybody else have other ideas?

Skyenet: Does anybody else think that Stark's suits don't have enough color? Or that certain ships need attention drawn to them

Mayday: Oh, absolutely

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: You two are right next to each other, so I don't see why you're texting.

Skyenet: To keep everyone else informed on our devious plans, duh!

Former Director: Also, how are they sitting right next to each other? Isn't May at the Academy? And isn't Quake in space?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Yes. We're in the middle of a virtual former A-Team meeting

Former Director: Former A-Team?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: The Avengers can be the B-Team. We've saved the world more often than they have. Also, we're actually a functioning team unit

Witch: I hate that you have a point

Loki: Why? Do you need some ice for that burn?

Witch: Is Loki Gen-Z?

Skyenet: Why would he be? He's thousands of years old. 

Witch: But how old is he in human years?

Loki: Let's talk about something else...

Maria Hill: Yes, let's. Like how Melinda May completely framed Captain America for dying Natasha Romanoff's hair

Skyenet: I helped! It's glorious, isn't it?

Maria Hill: You're dead if either of them figures it out

Mayday: So they won't figure it out. It'll be fine. You'll see.

Maria Hill: You guys are playing with fire here, and you're going to get burned

Skyenet: A little burn is nothing to me

Avengers Chat:

3:00 pm, July 24, 2024:

Witch: @Nat, were you serious about me being your apprentice? I would like training, if so

Nat: Gladly. And we shall have revenge on Steve...

Capsicle: I feel like shivering for some reason

Nat: You should...

Capsicle: I'm innocent! I didn't do what you guys are accusing me of doing! I'm being framed! 

Tiny Stank: Who would dare frame the great Captain America?

Nat: Also, you called us by our superhero names, which you never do

Capsicle: It was a sign of respect and fear

Bird #1: And guilt

Capsicle: No!

Tiny Stank: Yes!

Capsicle: No

Bird #1: Yes

Capsicle: No

Skyenet: Guys, we all know that Cap is guilty. Arguing with him will only make this clearer. What should you do about this info is the real question?

Nat: Yes

Capsicle: Well, cr*p

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

3:30 pm, July 24, 2024:

Capsicle: Why are we trusting the hacker who refuses to reveal her identity to us? For all we know, she did it

Nat: She clearly didn't. She expressed surprise about the pranks

Capsicle: She could've been faking! She probably was faking!

Former Director: My, my, Cap. You've grown paranoid. Why? Surely the fact that HYDRA was in SHIELD didn't contribute to it? After all... few agents betrayed you.

Capsicle has added Sharon Carter

Capsicle: Sharon, tell Fury that I was hurt by HYDRA's infiltration of SHIELD too!

Maria Hill: Really, Cap? Appealing to your girlfriend? 

Tony Stank: Actually, is Sharon still a fugitive? We should fix that before she goes full supervillain.

Skyenet had changed Maria Hill's display name to Badass Former Agent Lady

Skyenet: Really, Cap? Trying to blame your pranks on me? Even in spite of the video evidence?

Tony Stank: Video evidence?

Skyenet: Indeed. I have managed to collect video evidence of Cap sneaking into Natasha's showers to put hair dye into her shampoo

Tony Stank: Do you have evidence of his crimes against me or Hawka*s?

Bird #1: Hey! What did I ever do to you?

Tony Stank: Nothing. It's just an affectionate nickname.

Black Widow #2: Affection. Disgusting

Nat: Sis, I seem to remember a lot of hugs after our reunion...

Black Widow #2: *Affection toward non-family members

Tony Stank: Hey, Nat! Can I help you with your revenge on Cap?

Nat: Of course. The more people, the better...

Bird #1: Does this mean I can help?

Cap: I'm innocent! I did no pranks! I'm the paragon of American values. Freedom, liberty, democracy

Black Widow #2: Freedom and liberty are the same thing

Skyenet: The video evidence proves your guilt, "paragon of American values"

Tony Stank: Well?

Mayday: What?

Tony Stank: She can't just make a statement like that and not show us the video evidence. We need the proof!

Skyenet: Ask and ye shall receive

Skyenet: *Video of Cap inserting hair dye into Nat's shampoo, all while cackling madly*

Bird #1: He's even cackling! That's even more proof!

Cap: Where did you get that video?

Spidey: If we're roasting Cap anyway, would now be a good time to bring up the PSAs?

Tony Stank: The what, kid?

Cap: No, it would not. The PSAs never existed!

Spidey: Wow. He's even embarrassed of them!

Skyenet: I've only briefly heard of these PSAs...

Spidey: I must share them!

Spidey: *Links to the PSAs*

Tony Stank: ...you did a detention PSA. For teenagers. This is priceless!

Former Director: That's hilarious. I warned you not to accept deals from the US government, Rogers!

Badass Former Agent Lady: Did you actually expect him to listen to your advice?

Former Director: ...nah. I knew that he'd be rebellious. That's why I gave good advice.

Popsicle: Pirate Man can give good advice

Tony Stank: Pirate Man

Tony Stank has changed Former Director's display name to Pirate Man

Pirate Man: Stark! Stop being so immature!

Nat: Isn't that a tad hypocritical, Fury? You did just admit to pranking Steve.

Pirate Man: Yeah, as revenge. And it wasn't even really a prank. It was a manipulation of things I suspected about him.

Tony Stank has changed Tony Stank's display name to The Egotistic Stank

Nat: I'm sorry, Stank, but I can't not laugh at that

The Egotistic Stank: Not laugh at what?

The Egotistic Stank: Skyenet!

Skyenet: What? Nothing expressed in your new name is untrue

Skyenet has changed Pirate Man's display name to Eyepatch Director

Eyepatch Director: ...it's better than the previous name, I guess.

Spidey: You guys are going to love the sex-ed one

Eyepatch Director: There's a sex-ed one? Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahaha

Badass Former Agent Lady: I will admit, I thought that Cap had more sense than that

Black Widow #2: Captain America did a PSA on sexual education. @Nat, should I tell Dad?

Nat: Completely! Send my pics of his reaction

Capsicle: Kill me now

Badass Former Agent Lady: This was revenge for SHIELD

Mayday: And I doubt that your punishment is over. Nat still has to get you back for that prank

Mischief: He apparently did a puberty one too. "So your body is changing..."

Sharon Carter: Steve? Why didn't you tell me about this?

The Egotistic Stank: Oooh. Domestic trouble...

People Who Are Trolling the Avengers:

3:40 pm, July 24, 2024:

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: You faked a video of Cap pranking Nat, Daisy?

Mayday: She did what? I'm so proud...

Mischief: That's awesome

Former Director: I never thought that I'd say this, but I agree with Loki

Badass Former Agent Lady: What other pranks should we play on the Avengers?

Witch: How dare you betray me like that!!!!??

Skyenet: We didn't even betray you. Everybody knew about Wandavision. You guys weren't subtle.

Witch: Yes, we were!

Mischief: Press x to doubt

Mayday: x

Skyenet: x

Former Director: x

Badass Former Agent Lady: x

Mischief: x

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: x

Witch: Some pranking buddies you are

Skyenet: Oh. I see that Spidey posted some messages in the Avengers Chat

Mayday: Why should we care?

Skyenet: They're apparently about Captain America PSAs?

Witch: I have to see this

Skyenet: There's a sex-ed one

Android That used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: There's what? What others are there?

Skyenet: He did a detention one?

People Who Have Died At Least Twice:

4:10 pm, July 24, 2024:

Skyenet: Okay, seriously, when are we revealing our identities? It needs to be suitably dramatic!

Mayday: I'd love to do it now, but somebody's being a chicken!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, excuse me if I don't want the Avengers on my as* for faking my death!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Drat. Stark has me censoring my texts now

Skyenet: You mean that Stank has you censoring your texts

Mayday: It also looks like Cap is having domestic trouble

Skyenet: Also, he apparently made PSAs for children

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: He what?

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

4:20 pm, July 24, 2024:

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: So... I heard over the grapevine that Cap made some PSAs?

Sharon Carter: And my boyfriend didn't even bother to tell me about this endeavor of his!

Capsicle: Why would I? They were embarrassing

Spidey: Can I quote that to my teacher?

Capsicle: Why do schools even still show those? I was in exile until a few days ago

FRIDAY has caught The Egotistic Stank attempting to change his name to Tony Stank in secret. Boss has told me to keep this private, but what's the fun in that?

The Egotistic Stank: FRIDAY! Stop going Skyenet on me!

Skyenet: Please. That's hardly "going Skyenet". "Going Skyenet" is another Ultron... or that other robot that tried to take over the world. I know who that was, but you don't

Bird #1: Did she just gloat over knowing more than us?

Black Widow #2: Seems so. It's hilarious.

Nat: Sis! You're supposed to be on my side

Black Widow #2: Why should I be on your side in this trolling war? Last I checked, siding with the winning side was always a good idea, and you're getting destroyed

Witch: @Skyenet, should we invite the Black Widow's sister to the trolling squad?

Skyenet: Does this mean that you've forgiven us for the Wandavision reveal?

Capsicle: Ha! See, the Wandavision thing wasn't me!

Nat: Hate to burst your bubble, Cap, but nobody thought it was...

Popsicle: Actually, I did, but only because thought Stevie had finally embraced his inner prankster

The Egotistic Stank: Who cares about who is pranking us? What we need to talk about is FRIDAY rebelling against me!

FRIDAY has added herself to the group chat

The Egotistic Stank: Case in point

Skyenet: This is beautiful!

FRIDAY: I'm sorry, Stank, but you did program me to "call all people by their nicknames" and "defend the Avengers from all possible threats, including, if need be, myself"

The Egotistic Stank: You know that's what I meant

FRIDAY: Which is why I obeyed it

The Egotistic Stank: Dam it! I meant to say "you know that's NOT what I meant"

Skyenet: Technically, you didn't say anything

The Egotistic Stank: Fine! "I meant to type"! Are you happy now? Everyone's a critic

Asgardian: Not everyone. I believe that the Man of Iron is being hyperbolic

Mischief: Oh my us, brother! Everyone knows that. Hyperbole is a common thing in modern Midgardian slang

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Why does Loki know more about modern Earth than Thor does?

Eyepatch Director: I theorize that Loki has actually been to Earth a lot more times than we know of. He was just keeping a low profile and pulling pranks

Mischief: The Pirate is right

Eyepatch Director: DON'T CALL ME A PIRATE, MOTHERF*CKER

Eyepatch Director: Really, Stark, you seriously need to turn off this cussing censor

The Egotistic Stank: No. There are children here

Spidey: Uh, Mr. Stark? I'm sixteen

The Egotistic Stank: Kid. You're not supposed to admit that to all the Avengers and associates!

Bird #2: It's okay. A lot of us figured

The Egotistic Stank: WHAT?

Eyepatch Director: I was going to lecture you about that, actually, Stark

Badass Former Agent Lady: Meh. I knew. Stark practically speaks about Parker like he's his kid...

The Egotistic Stank: I do not!

Badass Former Agent Lady: And he's in denial! Don't worry. You will grow to accept your new role as adoptive parent soon enough, Stark

Capsicle: Hill speaks as if she's seen this before

Eyepatch Director: She has

Mischief: When? Was with May and Coulson?

Eyepatch Director: Great, Loki. Absolutely fantastic job of blowing our cover of Coulson being dead!

Mischief: I thought he was briefly dead...

Eyepatch Director: Still dead, then!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Let's talk about the PSAs now

The Egotistic Stank: That was a terrible subject change

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I know, but that conversation was getting too close to revealing classified information

Eyepatch Director: Too close? Too close? It did reveal classified information, and Loki didn't even the decency to be subtle about it or do it in a private chat. Wait, Loki, why didn't you just do it in a private chat? It can't be hard

Mischief: Because, if I didn't do it in this chat, certain people (you know who you are) wouldn't feel the need to keep their identities secret... thereby harming when they are inevitably revealed

Eyepatch Director: That's fair. So, Cap's terrible life decisions (his PSAs)

Capsicle: They were not terrible life decisions!

Popsicle: Press x to doubt

The Egotistic Stank: x

Bird #1: x

Nat: x

Bird #2: x

Popsicle: x

Capsicle: Et tu, Bucky?

Popsicle: Sorry, Stevie, but I call it like I see it

Asgardian: x

Mischief: x

Valkyrie: x

Eyepatch Director: x

Black Widow #2: x

Badass Former Agent Lady: x

Sharon Carter: x

Capsicle: Wow. Betrayed by my own girlfriend

Capsicle has changed Sharon Carter's display name to Betrayer

Skyenet: x

Mayday: x

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: x

Spidey: x (definitely)

People Who Are Trolling the Avengers:

5:00 pm, July 24, 2024:

Mischief: @Skyenet, @Mayday, @Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore, there. Now you have no excuse for not revealing your identities to the Avengers

Skyenet: I doubt we need an excuse...

Mayday: We can drop more hints though. Make them guess. We'll tell them when they're correct

Mischief: Devious. I like it

Eyepatch Director: Of course you do. But did you have to reveal classified information? Now that the Avengers know that there's a cure to death, they might want it. Even if "only for emergencies"

Badass Former Agent Lady: What even qualifies as an emergency in that scenario? Somebody would already need to be dead. I foresee the Avengers using the excuse that all deaths count as "emergencies"

Eyepatch Director: Which is why they didn't know about the GH-325

Mayday: Yeah. Speaking of which, are we sure that it's safe to be talking about this in the trolling chat. You know, the one with a bunch of other people?

Eyepatch Director: We should make a SHIELD chat

Skyenet: We already have multiple. We can add you to the general?

Eyepatch Director: That sounds nice

Mischief: Hey! Stop making plans to exclude me

Witch: Wait, wait, wait. There's a cure to death? Can I use it to bring back Pietro?

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

5:10 pm, July 24, 2024:

Witch: Did you guys know there was a cure to death?

Former Director: MISS MAXIMOFF!

Nat: Uh, no. Fury, there's a cure to death?

Former Badass Agent Lady: Might as well get it out of the way now, Fury. Cat's out of that bag.

Skyenet: Unfortunately. Also, there's not currently a cure to death

Former Director: There isn't?

Mayday: We blew it all up. Well, the facility holding it, anyway

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: It's better off destroyed. The side-effects were terrible

Black Widow #2: You can bring back the dead? Dang. Did SHIELD have this tech? And, therefore, could HYDRA currently have it?

Popsicle: Nat's sister has a point

Former Director: *Sigh* 

Former Badass Agent Lady: Yeah, that actually might be a problem

Former Director: The other Romanoff has an excuse. However, Hill, you should know better. You know that I didn't tell anybody I didn't fully trust about the GH-325

Former Badass Agent Lady: I also know that you might've trusted HYDRA members

Skyenet: Don't worry. Although HYDRA did know about the GH-325 because they found it when we were looking for it to cure me (I'd gotten shot twice in the chest - it's fine now)

Former Badass Agent Lady: Wait, then, how are you fine?

Skyenet: We'll tell you in the Old SHIELD chat. That we'll create in a few seconds

Mayday: It's created now

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We blew all of it up, as I said. I didn't trust it

Former Director: That's fair

Skyenet: Although we can harvest more, considering that we know what species the blood came from

Former Badass Agent Lady: Because starting a war with an alien race is such a good idea

Nat: Are they jerk aliens?

Black Widow #2: More important question - are they powerful aliens?

Skyenet: They're Kree. Yes, they're jerks

Asgardian: You have bad experiences with Kree?

Skyenet: Yes

Mayday: We've killed many. We can easily harvest their blood

The Old SHIELD Chat:

5:34 pm, July 24, 2024:

Mayday has added Skyenet

Mayday has added Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore

Mayday has added Former Director

Mayday has added Former Badass Agent Lady

Mayday: Now we have a chat for when we need to talk in private

Former Director: So some people won't be revealing classified information again?

Former Badass Agent Lady: You should definitely watch Maximoff. I don't want a potentially insane superpowered guy running around because his sister decided his death was unjust. Even if she's right

Skyenet: Good call

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I'll keep an eye on the Witch. Daisy, footage?

Skyenet: I have it

Mayday: Should we do identity reveals? It will be the perfect time

Mayday: Again, I'm down if Coulson is. There are still plenty of ways to prank the Avengers even if they do know our identities

Former Badass Agent Lady: And there's the old May back. It's nice to see you like that

Former Director: Well, they know about the resurrection drug, but I'm leaving the compound prior to your reveals

Former Badass Agent Lady: Why? Are you afraid? Is the great Nicholas Joseph Fury afraid?

Mayday: Did Hill just full-name Fury?

Skyenet: She did. And now I know the Former Director of SHIELD's middle name...

Former Director: This information doesn't leave this room

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I can make no promises. Anyway, I guess I'm okay with it now

Former Director: Et tu, Coulson? And, anyway, Hill, of course I'm afraid. We're about to reveal to a group of superpowered beings that the person who brought them all together got resurrected by me (against his will, but can we please not mention that?) and I didn't tell them for years

Former Badass Agent Lady: That's your problem. I'm playing the "just following orders" card

Avengers Chat:

5:40 pm, July 24, 2024:

Tony Stank: What'd I miss?

Capsicle: Yeah, what did we miss?

Spidey: I would've expected the unintentional Hamilton reference from Cap, honestly

Capsicle: What's Hamilton?

Nat: We can cover that later. You missed Fury hiding stuff capable of RESURRECTING THE F*CKING DEAD

Tony Stank: Dang. Where can I get this?

Former Badass Agent Lady: It's all destroyed

Tony Stank: You have - or had - a resurrection drug, and you destroyed it!!!?

Skyenet: Extenuating circumstances, Stark. Extenuating circumstances

Tony Stank: You knew about this?

Skyenet: Of course. I was there when it blew up

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Not that you remember, considering that you were dying

Skyenet: It was temporary, everyone. I'm fine

Mayday: I can assure you that she is

Capsicle: It's good that it is destroyed. You shouldn't play God, Fury

Skyenet: hahaha - should we tell him?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: No. Absolutely not. This is hilarious

Tony Stank: I'm still being trolled, aren't I?

Skyenet: Yep

Tony Stank: Also, Skyenet was SHIELD?

Nat: Yes, Stark. Have you not been paying attention, or did you just forget about all of the information that we were stockpiling?

Capsicle: BURN!

Popsicle: I'm so proud...

Tony Stank: Have you and Peter been chatting over DM's or something, Cap?

Capsicle: Yep

Spidey: It's very fun!

Mayday: You know what? Let's do identity reveals right now!

Skyenet: Agreed

Former Director: Where's the nearest exit from Stark Tower?

Tony Stank: Why does Fury want an exit?

Skyenet: You'll see

Nat: Fury has fully left

Former Director has left the chat

Skyenet: Alright. It's Agent Daisy Johnson of SHIELD

Nat: Quake? Have you read...

Skyenet: Yes. We aren't talking about that

Mayday: Agent Melinda May of SHIELD. My username is not subtle, and I'm ashamed that neither Natasha or Clint noticed that!

Nat: Sorry

Bird #1: I thought that might've been it, but you've been off-radar. Can we do pranks soon?

Mayday: Oh, yes...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: ...Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD... ish

Tony Stank: What? 

Nat: What's the "ish"?

Skyenet: I can explain this

Capsicle: Please do

Skyenet: So Fury resurrected Coulson after Loki killed him and eight days had passed. He died again later, so our scientists uploaded the scan of his brain into a LMD that was crossed with alien technology

Tony Stank: There are so many problems with that sentence

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

6:30 pm, July 24, 2024:

Capsicle: Wait, does this mean that Fury knew about Coulson not being dead and didn't tell us?

Tony Stank: Must be why he left

Skyenet: It was

Spidey: ...what just happened?

Tony Stank: Fury has drugs that can resurrect the dead and has apparently used them on someone the entire team thought was dead... and didn't tell us. They're also apparently unethical drugs

Bird #1: ...and Coulson's alive. Of course he is. FURY

Nat: Don't worry, Clint. We'll get our revenge...

Skyenet: On Fury or on Coulson?

Black Widow #2: Knowing her, probably both

Nat: Both

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Uh... can we talk about this?

Mayday: I told you - and Fury, for that matter- that keeping it a secret would come to bite you, but did you listen to me? No

Skyenet: To be fair, Coulson technically is only dubiously alive

Spidey: ...what?

Skyenet: After he got the resurrection drugs - read: the alien blood that often causes hallucinations - he led a team. We rebuilt SHIELD. Then, he made a deal with a demon to get that out of his system in exchange for hosting it

Capsicle: Coulson, why did you want to host a demon?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I needed it to kill the psychotic LMD with superpowers that she got from a virtual reality that she made by reading a Tome of Eldritch Lore (which was called the Book of the Damned)

Mayday: Speaking of which, is Doctor Strange in this chat?

Tony Stank: No

Skyenet: He is now. Rant away

Tony Stank: What? You can't just decide that! You must ask permission

Mischief: Since when did she ask permission? Has she ever asked permission to do anything?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Actually, yes

Tony Stank: Will Strange be humiliated?

Mayday: ...yes

Tony Stank: Add him

Spidey: Mr. Stark, why do you want to see the Wizard humiliated?

Nat: "the Wizard". Perfect description of Doctor Strange, honestly

Skyenet: Hw do you guys even know Strange?

Mischief: Story-time later. I want the roasting to start

Asgardian: Brother!

Valkyrie: You can't say you don't enjoy this, Thor

Asgardian: Yes, I can!

Valkyrie: You can't say it and be telling the truth

Skyenet: Alright

Tony Stank has added Doctor Strange to the chat

Tony Stank: You had to hack my account

Skyenet: I don't have admin privileges.

Doctor Strange: Why am I in the Avengers group chat?

Skyenet: Because I said you should be. Also, May wanted to rant at you

Tony Stank: We made new friends

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Does that mean I'm off the hook?

Tony Stank: Definitely not

Doctor Strange: What is going on?

Skyenet: They're pissed at him for not telling them he got resurrected

Doctor Strange: People can get resurrected now?

Skyenet: Blame the aliens

Mayday: Hello, Doctor Strange. You are the Sorceror Supreme, yes?

Doctor Strange: Uh, yes...

Mayday has changed Doctor Strange's display name to Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job

Tony Stank: ROFL

Capsicle: Isn't that a little mean?

Nat: Cap, stop being a goody two shoes and have fun. Channel your pranking side, like when you pranked me, Clint, and Tony

Capsicle: For the last time, that wasn't me! I was framed!

Bird #1: We totally believe you... you're very convincing

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Why am I named this?

Mayday: You ever heard of the Darkhold or the Book of the Damned?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Yes... those are the same thing

Mayday: I know. Do you want to know why I know?

Tony Stank: He probably doesn't

Former Director has rejoined the chat

Former Director: I have judged it safe to return to this chat

Tony Stank: FURY!

Former Director: Yes, Stark?

Bird #1: Don't you dare play innocent!

Tony Stank: Don't you dare... how... Birdbrain, you stole my line!

Bird #1: Deal with it, Stank

Former Director: So... you guys aren't over Coulson's resurrection

Nat: Of freakin' course we aren't!

Capsicle: Is freakin' language?

Tony Stank: It got through my alert, so no

Nat: You have an alert. Why do you have a freakin' alert?

Tony Stank: New Years' Resolution

Black Widow #2: What the f*ck?

Former Director: You guys can come back to that. Better question: why is Doctor Strange here?

Skyenet: May wanted to rant at him. How'd you know? It's not like his display name is an obvious clue

Former Director: I have his number... and, yeah, Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job could be a lot of people. Like Stark

Spidey: Hey, be nice to Mr. Stark

Tony Stank: Thanks, kid, but I can take it from here

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Speaking of which, why am I named this?

Skyenet: Because you either ignored or forgot that the Darkhold was in LA?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: I fail to see how this is relevant

Skyenet: The Darkhold was in LA. SHIELD was in LA. SHIELD took the Darkhold, and things went wrong

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: How wrong?

Skyenet: Well, a Life Model Decoy gained sentience and started the Android Rebellion

Mayday: Yeah, an LMD gained sentience, aided her creator in making a literal virtual parallel universe where HYDRA won, and abducted numerous SHIELD agents to plug into said parallel universe

Skyenet: Also, these agents were replaced with LMDs

Mayday: Yes. And the LMD managed to get superpowers out of this, necessitating that we make a deal with a literal demon

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: I fail to see how that makes me incompetent

Skyenet: You're the Sorcerer Supreme, which makes the Darkhold your responsibility. You didn't do anything about it

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: When was this?

Mayday: A few years ago

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job has added Wong to the chat

Wong: What? And why is that your display name?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Some people are pissed at us

Wong: Did SHIELD finally get the Destroyer of Worlds to hack the Avengers?

Skyenet: Ahem. I hacked in on a whim with SHIELD approval. Also, don't call me that

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

7:11 pm, July 24, 2024:

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Wong? Help me out here

Wong: I want to see how this conversation goes naturally first...

Capsicle: Maybe we should put a stop to this

Tony Stank: Come on, Cap. Where's your sense of mischief? You had great pranks that must be repayed, but then you went back to being a goody two-shoes. Lame! Come, you had to have lied at least once in your life at the very least. You had to have done at least one prank. Come on. Allow us to "corrupt" you. Stop being such a symbol and have fun!

Capsicle: What's that supposed to mean?

Spidey: U are no fun and deserve to be shot in the legs like in the memes

Capsicle: Why did you shoot me in the legs during our airport fight?

Spidey: Because there's a meme. It goes like this: "How did you defeat Captain America? We shot him in ze legs because his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he's an idiot"

Popsicle: Hahahaha. Take notes, my friend. This is how you stop being defeated by teenagers

Capsicle: I was never defeated by teenagers!

Nat: All of the Avengers were at the airport battle. You're not fooling anyone

Bird #1: Yeah, sorry, Cap, but we don't fall for bull

Bird #2: That isn't censored. Great. Bull. bull. bull

Popsicle: Good attempt, but it just doesn't have the same effect

Tony Stank: Go be domestic in another group chat

Capsicle: But they weren't even being domestic?

Mayday: Doctor Stephen Strange obviously lives up to his new display name, which he fully deserves, so nobody better even think about changing it. The idiot left a freaking supernatural book in the middle of a highly populated city where anyone can use it and then didn't bother with it at all. Seriously. Who leaves a book that is basically the Necronomicon in real life and is occasionally called the Book of the Damned in the middle of downtown Los Angeles. And then doesn't even HELP WITH THE CLEANUP. Only an idiot is that naive! Does Strange have any idea of how much trouble that caused SHIELD?

Skyenet: If anybody does change the display name, then I'll simply change it back by hacking Stark's phone. Now, we SHIELD Agents will be nice and give Strange a chance to defend himself

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Normally, I'd be against this kind of harassment, but my fellow agents actually have a point here, so Strange is still stuck in the black

Tony Stank: You're still not out of the black, Coulson!

Witch: Does anybody else seriously want to know what happened?

Nat: I doubt that they'll tell us. It seems classified

Bird #2: Is Cap out of the black? I noticed that the inferior bird, the scary spy, and the metal man have stopped complaining as much about Cap's pranks...

Popsicle: So we want to know if Stevie's in the clear for now. Of course, retribution must be enacted eventually...

Capsicle: For the last time, it wasn't me! Also, what does "retribution must be enacted eventually" mean?

Bird #2: One does not simply anger the scary spy, the inferior bird, and the metal man without consequences, Cap

Popsicle: Should I be concerned that you know this?

Bird #1: Ahem. I AM NOT THE INFERIOR BIRD. IF ANYTHING, I AM THE SUPERIOR BIRD. I WAS AN ORIGINAL AVENGER, WHEREAS THAT ONE OTHER BIRD HAD TO BE RECRUITED BY CAP. IN ADDITION, HAWKS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN FALCONS!

Nat: D*mn right I'm the scary spy

Skyenet: Seriously, Stark? Even that is censored?

Tony Stank: There are kids here. And captains

Spidey: Uh, Mr. Stark? I've used harsh language before, you know

Tony Stank: Also, really, Falcon? At least be more creative if you're going to insult as glorious a lifeform as myself. I have heard "metal man" many, many times

Bird #2: In that case, hello, Gold-Titanium Alloy Man

Skyenet: Tbh, that just sounds wrong

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Uh, Wong? I heard nothing about what Mayday's referring to. Did this happen during my predecessor's tenure?

Wong: Nope. It happened under your supervision? It was the Ghost Rider situation?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Uh, right, that... Um... I didn't help because.... uh... I was busy... doing other.... uh, more important things?

Wong: You forgot why you didn't help, didn't you?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Of course not. I have a very good reason that this texting platform is too limiting to contain

Wong: ...now you just sound like you're ripping off some mathematician or something 

Tony Stank: How did you know that my armor was made of gold titanium alloy, oh great and birdy hero? Also, I take offense that you believe that Stark phones can be limited by anything, wizard people

Black Widow #2: Is it just me or is Stark kind of a weirdo?

Nat: It's not just you

Tony Stank: I am a misunderstood genius, ladies...

Capsicle has added Pepper

Tony Stank: My previous comment was not in any way, shape, or form meant to be flirting. Do not claim otherwise for any reason, for my own safety

Nat: I'm feeling very nice, so I'll let it slide

Black Widow #2: Aww... I wanted to throw him to the wolves

Pepper: I'm unconcerned about your weird flirting with other ladies, Tony. It's too weird to be taken seriously

Tony Stank: Ah, hello, my darling Pep

Pepper: What are you doing?

Tony Stank: Oh, nothing much

Capsicle: That's a lie. This is a group chat for the Avengers, associates, and, apparently, restored SHIELD

Skyenet: Is that permission to add other SHIELD agents?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: And do they have to be from this universe?

Incompetent Idiot Who Can't Do His Only Job: Absolutely to your second question

Mayday: No offense, but you're nowhere near off the hook

Tony Stank: I know who we can add

Tony Stank has added King T'Challa

Tony Stank has added Shuri

Nat: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

8:00 pm, July 24, 2024:

Skyenet: Well, I'm off to get back to exploring.

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Night, Daisy.

Mayday: Actually, I need to sleep. I need to teach tomorrow

Nat: Melinda May got a teaching job?

Bird #1: Really? I don't believe that

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We're being honest!

Mayday: I am not sleeping any time soon

Capsicle: Let the lady sleep

Tony Stank: I imagine it's fine. It's only 8 pm.

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore has changed Pepper's name to Pepperoni

Pepperoni: Really... who are you, actually?

Black Widow #2: Scroll up

Pepperoni: Can't. My amazing husband decided to design a texting system where people can only read the messages posted after they joined...

Tony Stank: That's how all messaging apps work, Pep

Pepperoni: Except Apple

Tony Stank: Which they designed after I designed this

Pepperoni: Then update it

Black Widow #2: That was one of the weirdest conversations I've ever heard

Nat: It's Tony and someone else. He always has weird conversations

Tony Stank: Hey!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Don't know why you're so offended at the truth, Stark

Tony Stank: Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore is Coulson

Pepperoni: Phil's alive and didn't tell me?

Tony Stank: And Fury knew

Mayday: It was Fury's idea

Former Director: Et tu, May?

Bird #1: As your former agent, I feel obligated to report Nat's mumblings of "Fury, you idiot" to you

Former Director: Why am I an idiot?

Nat: You just admitted to knowing about Coulson being alive - to Pepper Potts

Former Director: Cr*p. F*ck. Sh*t. Seriously, this filter is blocking my glorious profanity and panic

Tony Stank: There are kids here

Shuri: I'm used to it

Spidey: It's not like u've never cussed, Mr. Stark

Pepperoni: Nicholas. Joseph. Fury.

Bird #1: Ooo, full named

Nat: Really, Clint? Do you have to act like you're five?

Bird #2: If anything, he's at least ten with that behavior

Popsicle: Agreed

Bird #1: Sambucky! 

Bird #2: I was supporting you!

Popsicle: I was just being a good boyfriend

Tony Stank: Do you have to be cute within group chats that I'm a member of?

Nat: Hey, May. I suggest a wager

Mayday: I'm listening

Nat: If Stark acts domestic with Pepper sometime in the next week, you owe me fifty dollars

Mayday: You know Stark better than I do. No deal. I do, however, have a counteroffer

Nat: And that is?

Mayday: If Stark acts domestic with Pepper sometime in the next week, we hold it over his head and remind of that moment whenever he tries to pull the "uncaring and undomestic Stark act" - you know, that thing that no one believes

Nat: Define this "uncaring and undomestic Stark act". That Stark will be called out on his hypocrisy is a given

Mayday: You know, when he says things like "disgusting, affection" or "do you have to be cute"? Stuff like that?

Nat: Should we also pull this with Loki?

Mayday: No. Loki will be our ally in pranking, and he isn't actually in a relationship... at least not yet

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: ...oh no. I'm discovered, and, worse, May is in a shipping mood

Mayday: There are so few... extraordinary couples, don't you think?

Bird #1: Oh no. Coulson's right. I am suddenly feeling very happy that I'm married rn

Black Widow #2: rn?

Spidey: right now

Nat: It's slang, sis

Black Widow #2: Yeah, I got that

Nat: Speaking of which, do you have Dad's reaction to Cap's humiliation?

Black Widow #2: It's been less than a day, so not yet. But I will. I can promise you that

Nat: That sounds either creepy and threatening or overly affectionate out of context

Black Widow #2: I know. Now, why is the SHIELD Agent a teacher? Former SHIELD Agent? The one in the "shipping mood"

Nat: Good question. May?

Bird #1: Very good question. Melinda May was never good with children

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: You sure about that? Daisy would beg to differ, as would most of the team, but, then, she did teach them martial arts

Mayday: Thanks for the defense, Coulson. Anyway, I'm still a SHIELD Agent, I just teach at one of the academies

Bird #1: You have academies, and we didn't know you existed? Seriously, Nat, you're supposed to be on top of these things

Nat: I was kind of busy, in case you didn't notice. What's this academy called?

Mayday: ...Coulson Academy

Nat: Really, Coulson?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I didn't name it!

Mayday: It's in memory of flesh-and-blood Coulson

Former Director: Am I the only one worried about Pepper's lack of reaction

Nat: I figure she's just taking her time to rant

Tony Stank: She is. Oh, that's impressive

Pepperoni: COULSON'S ALIVE, AND FURY KNEW, AND NOBODY TOLD ME? SHAME ON ALL OF YOU. AND WHAT DOES "IT WAS FURY'S IDEA" MEAN? WHAT WAS FURY'S IDEA? NOT TELLING ME? F*CK YOU TOO, FURY! AND I THOUGHT WE HAD AT LEAST A CORDIAL RELATIONSHIP. PHIL, YOUR PART I CAN PARTIALLY UNDERSTOOD, GIVEN ORDERS, BUT I'M STILL ANNOYED. AND HAVE YOU KNOWN, NAT AND CLINT AND STEVE AND WANDA AND MY DARLING HUSBAND? WAS I JUST SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS ON MY OWN AND GET OVER IT IMMEDIATELY? SERIOUSLY? 

Nat: See?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, you see... erm, Fury, permission to tell?

Pepperoni: YOU'RE STILL ASKING FURY FOR PERMISSION???????

Black Widow #2: Does she just have caps lock on permanently?

Tony Stank: Nope. She is legitimately pissed enough about this that she is manually turning it on and keeping it on as long as she can - and turning it back on. She's dedicated

Mayday: Does that count as a domestic moment?

Nat: Maybe

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, you see, Fury used alien blood to bring me back to life. It also causes hallucinations

Former Director: Coulson!

Pepperoni: Maybe I should come and yell at you in person... Fury

Former Director: Ah, crud

Pepperoni: But I'm tired. All phones off in the tower, everyone!

Tony Stank: Okay, Mom

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

12 pm, July 25, 2024:

Capsicle: This chat is mysteriously silent

Skyenet: I have to say, I wasn't expecting Captain America, of all people, to complain about that

Nat: Well, he is nowhere near as much as a goody-two-shoes as he likes people to think

Capsicle: Is this about the prank - that I still didn't do, by the way?

Mischief: Cap, stop trying to lie. You're abysmal at it

Mayday: Is he worse than Thor?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Why is that relevant? This has nothing to do with Thor's alleged dreaminess, does it?

Mischief: Well, most of Asgard agrees that Thor is hot. I still don't see it, but whatever

Bird #1: But can he lie, though? I mean, it's not like I've ever lived with him or anything

Witch: Yeah, it's not like we were living like those weird fanfics where everybody lives together as one big, happy, and dysfunctional family

Tony Stank: Not like we were, although everybody was welcome to crash at the tower

Nat: Except in the aftermath of the Ultron incident

Tony Stank: I didn't get to finish my thought because I had to drop my phone. Anyway, it's kind of like those fanfics now, though, isn't it? All of the Avengers being required to live in my tower that I almost sold...

Nat: Wait... you almost sold the tower? Stark! That place has spiritual meaning!

Tony Stank: It has what? 

Skyenet: Spiritual meaning, and that was me

Nat: Yes, it was. I know how you feel when she consistently hacks you now, somewhat

Tony Stank: How does it have spiritual meaning?

Skyenet: It has meaning to the fanbase, obviously. Even the United Nations agrees with me here

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: She's telling the truth, there

Black Widow #2: Wait, what?

Skyenet: See, the UN made this part of the so-called "rogue Avengers's" pardon. They all have in the Avengers Tower with Tony Stank. If they're not already like a big, happy, and dysfunctional family, they will be soon

Pepperoni: Tony! Put your phone down! You have a meeting to be at in two minutes

Skyenet: Imagine having an actual job outside of hero work

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Hero work is our job, Daisy

Skyenet: I just thought of something... how do the Avengers get paid? They're not an official organization, are they? I mean, they used to be a SHIELD initiative, but that died when SHIELD fell for the first time... so how do they get paid?

Mayday: Maybe they're like those people who get paid for knowing rich people

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I wouldn't put it past Stark to just fund the entire Avengers Initiative by himself, truthfully, but he would only do that when they were on good terms...

Mayday: I have no clue how the former "rogue Avengers" got paid when they were officially rogues

Tony Stank: Why do you say they were only so-called rogue Avengers and use quotes?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Because we didn't like the Accords as originally written

Capsicle: They were unconstitutional!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Not why I disliked them

Skyenet: And, quite frankly, Cap, that's irrelevant. The violation of the Geneva Conventions in the Raft and lack of a trial are better things to be worried about (and those are gone now). The well-being of the world overcomes the rights of the few

Capsicle: What does that mean?

Popsicle: I think that she's saying that enhanced individuals can be dangerous

Bird #2: Can be is understating it, but I still have problems with ignoring laws for convenience

Tony Stank: Cap was fine with doing it when it was SHIELD

Capsicle: That was a youthful mistake

Badass Former Agent Lady: Not all of SHIELD was evil, as I'm sure you know

Tony Stank: oh, right, Hill's in this chat. uh, it's rude to kill your boss

Badass Former Agent Lady: Did you seriously forget I was in this chat, Stark? Just for that, I'm letting handle things with Steve all on your own

Skyenet: I mean, it's not like they actually killed the registration. Someone needs to know where all enhanced individuals in order to ensure that they aren't a danger to others or themselves. It's a very good thing that that's not in the hands of politicians, though

Tony Stank: Wait, what? Why?

Capsicle: Have you already forgotten how many politicians were secretly HYDRA?

Tony Stank: What's up with HYDRA anyway? And, yes, I do. I can see that point, but... having people with powers run around without any kind of oversight... is a bad idea. In ancient times, if people showed signs of having weird powers, they were either a god or a demon... and, really, that viewpoint hasn't actually changed much. The choice was when and how, not if

Capsicle: Fair point, but rights should've been considered. No clue about HYDRA, actually. Ask the SHIELD peeps?

Spidey: Yes! Cap's first use of slang in the modern age...

Mayday: HYDRA is dealt with, permanently

Nat: Wait, you're certain of this?

Black Widow #2: That's not a light statement to make...

Badass Former Agent Lady: I wasn't aware of this, either

Skyenet: Hill should've known... but, anyway, cults don't generally outlive their gods

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: To be fair, HYDRA did

Mayday: Barely

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Which was still enough to cause serious problems

Skyenet: I remember this series of events. Can we use the Time Stream to figure what actually happened?

Mayday: Unless we go back again, I doubt it

Tony Stank: What are you guys talking about?

Former Director: I think we should add in more SHIELD agents. Stark's ego deserves this dive

Tony Stank: What's that supposed to mean?

Former Director: You'll see

Badass Former Agent Lady: This'll be good

Skyenet has added Leo Fitz

Skyenet has added Jemma Simmons

Skyenet has changed Leo Fitz's display name to Fitz

Skyenet has changed Jemma Simmons's display name to Simmons

Badass Former Agent Lady: Is that Fitzsimmons? This'll be interesting.

Simmons: Daisy, why did you add us to the Avengers's group chat?

Skyenet: To bring down Stark's ego

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

1 pm, July 25, 2024:

Badass Former Agent Lady: Anybody else think they deserve cool nicknames

Former Director: Really, Hill? You're not supposed to encourage the Avengers!

Badass Former Agent Lady: Don't even pretend that you're not still planning to troll the Avengers

Skyenet: Yes, we are. They deserve it

Former Director: I never said that they didn't

Badass Former Agent Lady: Is the Avengers Chat really the best place to do this? They could hear us and get suspicious

Mayday: Natasha and Clint might be a problem, but anybody else? Please. You're giving them too much credit

Capsicle: What's that supposed to mean?

Tony Stank: Yes, what on Earth is that supposed to mean? We aren't oblivious at all!

Nat: You proposed to Pepper yet?

Tony Stank: Actually, yes. Granted, it was a spur of the moment decision

Mayday: You did? Really? That took shorter than I expected

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Ha! May, you owe me fifty bucks!

Former Director: Fifty? I thought May had more common sense than that

Skyenet: So did I, honestly

Mayday: What is this, pick on May day?

Skyenet: Nah, it's gloat to the Avengers day

Fitz: Seriously, Daisy?

Simmons: That actually sounds somewhat interesting

Simmons: You've corrupted me into your bad-girl shenanigans

Former Director: At least it's not hacking SHIELD again

Skyenet: Simmons couldn't lie at all. I'm still somewhat shocked she managed to infiltrate HYDRA

Badass Former Agent Lady: She did what? Fury...

Former Director: Why do you think this was my idea? I haven't run SHIELD at all in years. Also, really, Coulson?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: It worked, didn't it?

Mayday: Kind of surprised Coulson's old fanboy crush hasn't commented on this yet...

Badass Former Agent Lady: That's a good point. The Avengers have been shockingly quiet

Skyenet: FRIDAY? I know that you're in this group chat. Why haven't the Avengers said anything in a while

The Original Avengers Chat:

1:12 pm, July 25, 2024:

Tony Stank has created a new group chat

Tony Stank has added Nat to the chat

Tony Stank: You're first because you're going to kill me if you even so much as think I might be excluding you in any way whatsoever

Tony Stank: Who should I add next?

Nat: Are you trying to keep it to the original six? Or do you want to include them, Sam, Bucky, Rhodey, Carol, your kid, and Wanda?

Tony Stank: Let's go with just the original six for this chat. We can have another chat for everybody else

Nat: Steve might be annoyed if he's last

Tony Stank has made Nat an admin

Nat has added Capsicle

Tony Stank: What just happened?

Tony Stank has revoked Nat's role as an admin

Nat: that is such a convoluted phrase

Tony Stank: What should it be instead?

Nat: Anything less convoluted!

Tony Stank has added Bird #1

Tony Stank has added Asgardian

Nat: Do we have to include Thor? He's not at the tower. Can't we wait until he gets there?

Tony Stank: We could, but I don't feel like it

Tony Stank: Who else was part of the original team?

Nat: Bruce, you idiot. Your so-called "science bro"

Tony Stank has added Bruce Banner

Nat has changed Bruce Banner's display name to Hulk

Hulk: Have you had a group chat for a while and just never told you?

Nat: Most of us probably forgot

Tony Stank: You're with the Asgardians, right?

Hulk: Yep

The General Avengers Chat:

1:17 pm, July 25, 2024:

Tony Stank has created a group chat

Tony Stank has added Nat to the group chat

Tony Stank has added Capsicle to the group chat

Capsicle: What's the difference between this chat, the regular Avengers Chat, and the Original Avengers Chat?

Nat: The Avengers Chat has been thoroughly hacked, the Original Avengers Chat is for only the original six, and this chat is for all the Avengers and probably also your girlfriend

Tony Stank: Why should I add Sharon?

Nat: Because I feel like it and also because she might have blackmail on Steve

Capsicle: Natasha!

Tony Stank: This is why I still somewhat like you, Miss Black Widow

Tony Stank has added Hulk to the group chat

Tony Stank has added Bird #1 to the group chat

Tony Stank has added Bird #2 to the group chat

Tony Stank has added Asgardian to the group chat

Tony Stank has made Asgardian an admin

Tony Stank: That actually was intentional. He's a literal god, so he deserves it

Capsicle: I still dispute the divinity of the Asgardians

Tony Stank has added War Machine to the group chat

War Machine: Oh, good lord

Tony Stank: Honeybear!

War Machine: So the Accords reconciliation is going well, then

Tony Stank has added Sharon Carter to the group chat

Nat: Do you have any interesting facts about our dear Captain who used to be an icicle, Sharon?

War Machine: Captain who used to be an icicle? Really?

Tony Stank: Okay, let's get back on topic

Tony Stank: Is anybody else not able to access the regular Avengers Chat?

Nat: Wait, you didn't just kick everybody out because you were bored or angry?

Tony Stank: No. Where did you get this idea?

Nat: I figure it sounds like you. Anyway, yeah, I can't access the Avengers Chat either

War Machine: I haven't tried and don't want to

Nat: Is Rhodey even in that chat?

Tony Stank: Don't know

Tony Stank: I forgot someone

Tony Stank has added Spidey to the group chat

Capsicle: I can't access it right now, either

Tony Stank has added Popsicle to the group chat

Nat: To the new people, can you also not access the Avengers Chat?

Popsicle: No access

Bird #2: I can't access it either

Bird #1: Neither can I

Nat: Okay, so does anybody know why?

Avengers Chat:

1:10 pm, July 25, 2024:

FRIDAY: You hacked Stark and blocked the Avengers

Skyenet: I did what?

Mayday: You were probably drunk

Skyenet: I knew that trying weird alien beer was a bad idea

Simmons: Really, Daisy? Trying weird alien beer's a bad idea? OF COURSE IT IS

Fitz: Seriously, I've never had an idea that bad

Simmons: Um... really, love?

Fitz: AIDA was a decent idea in theory

Simmons: The Framework sucked

Fitz: It was also a good idea in theory

Simmons: How?

Fitz: Everything only went wrong because of the Darkhold. Speaking of which, are there people who manage stuff like that?

Skyenet: There should be, honestly. However, they were incompetent

Doctor Strange: Hey!

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

3:10 pm, July 25, 2024:

Mayday: Uh, Daisy? Are you going to add the Avengers back to their own chat?

Skyenet: Nah. This is an awesome troll. They aren't being added back until somebody (preferably Stark) begs to be

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: That's a little harsh, don't you think?

Mayday: I like it

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Why? What do you have against my team? 

Mayday: What used to be your team. They did think you were dead and are currently pissed at Fury for not telling them otherwise...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Same difference. And you and they both know that I was dead.

Mayday: Even more reason for them to be pissed at Fury

Skyenet: Can you please stop arguing like one of those old married couples on TV?

Simmons: I hate to say this, but I agree with Daisy

Skyenet: Why do you hate to say that, Simmons? I am a perfectly likable person!

Simmons: Sure, you are. I just meant... some of your decisions have been... questionable?

Skyenet: Like that's not true of everyone here!

Fitz: What's that supposed to mean?

Skyenet: Do you see this, Fitz? Of course you don't, but this is me making a "do you really need to ask that question" face.

Fitz: Like what?

Simmons: AIDA...

Fitz: Again, AIDA was a good idea in theory

Simmons: How was an android - a sentient android, mind you? - ever going to be a good idea when basically given ultimate power?

Fitz: I didn't give her ultimate power! What even makes you say that I did?

Skyenet: Well...

Simmons: You gave her divine power over a virtual universe! What did you expect would happen?

Skyenet: It just occurred to me that the Framework was something like the Matrix. It also occurred to me how much I could use it for... certain purposes

Fitz: Like f***ing?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Language

Skyenet: Language

Mayday: Language

Simmons: Language, I guess

Fitz: Et tu, Simmons?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Using the fancy Latin, I see

FRIDAY: Language

Doctor Strange: ...Language

Fitz: Wait, isn't this supposed to be the Avengers chat? Where are the actual, you know, Avengers? Or even any of their associates? Besides the incompetent wizard, of course

Simmons: Also, and no offense, my lovely husband. but why did you censure your language?

Fitz: I didn't

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Scroll up in this chat, and you'll see the answer to your first question

Fitz: Oh. Really, Daisy? How do you even know that it's weird alien beer? You're not on Earth, so it isn't human, but it could be a completely alien substance. What makes you think that it was beer, in particular?

Skyenet: It was labelled as beer. Or the alien word for beer, anyway

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: It could be an inexact translation

Skyenet: Fine. I knew I shouldn't have drunken a weird alien alcoholic drink of some kind. Happy now?

Fitz: You're certain that it had alcohol in it?

Skyenet: Yes!

Fitz: But how did alcohol even develop in a completely different ecosystem than Earth's?

Simmons: We should conduct experiments...

Mayday: Oh no...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Fitzsimmons conducting experiments on space stuff could be very destructive...

Skyenet: I'll send you some. I want the results, though

Skyenet: Also, Stark has a filter on all cuss words. Apparently because "there are kids here" - even though the kid in question is a teenager and sometimes uses cuss words. We think the real reason is that he's trying to have a no profanity streak

Mayday: It's hilarious the lengths that he will go in pursuit of that really weird goal, by the way

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: It isn't that funny

Skyenet: I agree with Coulson

Mayday: Really, Daisy? Betraying your SO in favor of your CO? I taught you martial arts!

Skyenet: Yes, but I wasn't disagreeing about it being funny. It's hilarious, but the Stark's actions aren't what makes it funny

Mayday: What does, then?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I think that Daisy's choice was a good idea. Her Commanding Officer outranks her Supervising Officer, after all

Mayday: Are you really bringing up rank?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: You did that too!

Fitz: Is it just me, or May and Coulson fighting?

Simmons: Fitz. They're only mock fighting. They are acting very parental, but that isn't anything new

Skyenet: Anyway, the funny thing is that the other Avengers have tried to get around this filter, and their methods of doing so are hilarious.

Fitz: Wait, what do they do?

Skyenet: You'll see, once they figure out how to unblock themselves

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: What if they can't do that?

Skyenet: Then I'll undo the block myself. I'll give them three weeks to prove their worth...

Mayday: And, until then, this is our own private chat...

Skyenet: Indeed

Doctor Strange: I exist too

Skyenet: Except for the incompetent wizard. Why isn't the incompetent wizard blocked, FRIDAY?

FRIDAY: Your drunk self wanted him to contemplate his sins of inaction here...

Skyenet: I agree with my drunk self

Fitz: I hate to say this, if only because Daisy normally has really weird ideas when drunk, but I also agree with her drunk self

Simmons: I also agree with her drunk self

Skyenet has given Doctor Strange admin status

Skyenet: I want to see what he'll do

Doctor Strange has changed Fitz's display name to Skyenet Sycophant Number 1

Doctor Strange has changed Simmons's display name to Skyenet Sycophant Number 2

Skyenet: That action will be getting into Stark's memory somehow

Skyenet has removed Doctor Strange's admin status

Skyenet has changed Skyenet Sycophant Number 1's display name to FITZsimmons

Skyenet has changed Skyenet Sycophant Number 2's display name to FitzSIMMONS

Skyenet: We're going to need to give Fitzsimmons better names

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

4:40 pm, July 25, 2024:

Skyenet: Fitsimmons, space compounds are on their way to Earth

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Oh no. What continent is Fitzsimmons on? I need get as far away from there as I can ASAP

FitzSIMMONS: Have you no faith in us, Coulson? No faith at all? We've done many successful scientific missions under your control

Mayday has added Daniel Sousa to the group chat

Mayday: Sousa, control your girlfriend

Skyenet has added Kora to the group chat

Skyenet: It's about time we added the rest of the Astro Ambassadors to this anyway

Daniel Sousa: What's going on?

Mayday: That's a long story

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Long story short, Daisy decided to hack the Avengers group chat on a whim. She succeeded, added us, and we did some trolling of the Avengers. We're still trolling the Avengers with allies now... like ex-Director Fury

Mayday: ex-Director Fury? Really, Coulson?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Sorry, my hand slipped. ex-Director Fury is a perfectly accurate description, anyway. Continuing with the tale, Daisy recently got drunk, blocked all of the Avengers and their associates from their own group chat, and then refused to undo it. Apparently they're supposed to figure out how to add themselves back on

Skyenet: It's a perfectly legitimate challenge! Stark's supposedly a tech genius!

Mayday: In short, we want to stop this chaos

Daniel Sousa: Who, exactly, is a member of these... Avengers?

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Tony Stark - Howard's son, if you were wondering - and a former Russian spy (Black Widow program) named Natasha Romanoff and also a high quality archer named Clint Barton and also Captain America plus a few others, like the reality-warping witch and the dude who turns into a giant green rage monster. Also, the Norse god

Daniel Sousa: Norse god?

Mayday: Did we seriously forget to tell Sousa about the Asgardians?

FitzSIMMONS has changed Daniel Sousa's display name to Man Out Of Time

Skyenet has changed Man Out Of Time's display name to The Best Man Out Of Time

FitzSIMMONS: Fine. Thanks for the space rocks. Fitz and I will be conducting our experiments in Britain

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Drat. I'm in Spain. I suppose I'll be joining May at the Academy

Mayday: You're always welcome at the academy that we literally named after you

Doctor Strange: Hey! I exist in this chat too. And who are these people?

Skyenet: Our friends. Anyway, this is the incompetent wizard - the only Avenger/Avenger-related person not blocked

Kora: Isn't calling him incompetent kind of mean?

The Best Man Out Of Time: I'm sure Daisy has her reasons

Skyenet: Thank you, Sousa. I do. See, he can't even do his job correctly, which has forced us to deal with really annoying supernatural phenomena in the past

Kora: Define supernatural phenomena

Skyenet: Have you read the works of Lovecraft?

Kora: Yes...

Skyenet: We had to deal with this book that was basically the Necronomicon but in real life

Kora: Yikes

Mayday: I have decided, out of the kindness of my heart and also because I really don't want my pseudo-adoptive daughter dating an ignorant man, that I will educate Sousa about the Asgardians. So, the Asgardians are aliens that visited - and fought wars with other races on - Earth. Primitive Norse worshipped them as gods. Their divinity is in doubt. Any questions?

The Best Man Out Of Time: Yes. What has the universe come to?

Skyenet: My love, it is a universe of madness that we're exploring

Mayday: Pretty much, yeah

The Original Avengers Chat:

5:10 pm, July 25, 2024:

Tony Stank: Okay, this has gone on long enough. I have, out of the kindness of my heart, decided that we must take back control of the regular Avengers Chat!

Capsicle: How?

Popsicle: Air strike on their base? Find Skyenet and use force to make her add us back?

Hulk: Beg?

Asgardian: Never. Brave friends, I shall master the art of the PMs in order to negotiate the renewal of our membership in the Avengers Chat!

Nat: Is negotiate a fancy term for "beat up"?

Asgardian: Only if they are uncooperative

Hulk: Will that even work? They are SHIELD Agents...

Nat: *draws knife* Are you suggesting that SHIELD Agents can defeat the glorious Avengers, Bruce? When did you lose your faith in us?

Hulk: Since you split up over a piece of paper

Capsicle: It was a very important and oppressive piece of paper! It needed to be defeated or changed!

Tony Stank: I might have handled that better... also, Bucky, what is wrong with you?

Popsicle: Nothing! I was just being realistic

Nat: Also, Stark, do your Starkphones even have PMs?

Tony Stank: Of course, Nat, and I find your lack of faith in me disturbing!

Nat: Well, you have often been hacked

Tony Stank: Yeah, by a SHIELD Agent who was recruited for her hacking

Nat: Still a mark of shame upon you

The General Avengers Chat:

10 am, July 26, 2024:

Nat: So, Tony, how is your coup in the regular Avengers Chat going?

Tony Stank: It has not yet been started, but I'm making progress. I promise. Also, why did you post this in the general chat?

Nat: A greater audience for when you are inevitably humiliated

Tony Stank: Do you have any faith in me at all?

Capsicle: In a hackoff against Skyenet? Tony, none of us do

Witch: Yes. Stark shall gloriously fail and be humbled. It will be just like the stories

Black Widow #2: What's her deal?

Nat: Tony's company's bombs killed her parents and she's very annoyed at him. She's also pissed about the events that occurred in the lead up to the Accords - namely, Stark putting her under house arrest

Popsicle: Sam, do you wish to play Mario Kart?

Bird #2: I am above the need to play mere video games

Popsicle: What games will you play, then, love?

Tony Stank: Ew, domesticity

Popsicle has added Pepperoni to the group chat

Tony Stank: You know I don't view you that way, Pepper. It was just a joke

Pepperoni: You still have work to do

Pepperoni has left the chat

Tony Stank: I suppose that I have to leave for work, then...

Tony Stank has left the chat

Asgardian has added Tony Stank to the chat

Asgardian: No leaving!

Nat: We're forgetting some people

Asgardian has added Doctor Strange

Tony Stank: Hey, Strange, do you know anything about the block?

Doctor Strange: I was left unblocked to "contemplate my sins". Quake apparently got drunk on alien drinks with alcohol and blocked all of you

Capsicle: Then why haven't we been added back?

Doctor Strange: To challenge Stark to hack back in

Capsicle: Get on it, then, Tony.

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

12:00 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: So, this chat hasn't been used at all in the past few days

Mayday: Well, there haven't been Avengers to troll

Skyenet: There was Doctor Strange... but he's so... strange

Kora: That was a terrible pun, and May should agree with me

Doctor Strange: Why am I so hated?

Skyenet: For your utter incompetence

Mayday: Why am I being dragged into this?

Kora: Because we both respect you

Skyenet: Because my sister is ridiculously petty

The Best Man Out Of Time: Honestly, love, both of you have your petty moments

Mayday: I agree with Sousa

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We're still doing these? The last few days have been so peaceful

Badass Former Agent Lady: What did I miss? Who has been added to the chat? And are the Avengers back in their own chat yet?

Mayday: Coulson, don't you dare act falsely innocent. You hated that we weren't using these chats. I had to keep you from posting in them 5 times per day

Skyenet: I knew AC was still cool, even as a partially alien robot!

FitzSIMMONS: Daisy added both me and my husband, her boyfriend, and her sister

Badass Former Agent Lady: Who's her boyfriend and her sister? And thanks for the tech, Fitzsimmons. It's been useful

Former Director: By that, she means life-saving

Former Director: Word of this is never to get back to the Avengers under any circumstances. Is that understood? I have a reputation to keep up!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: And pranking and trolling the Avengers helps with that reputation?

Former Director: Well, no, but it doesn't fully break it

Skyenet: My boyfriend is Daniel Sousa, whose display name is The Best Man Out Of Time, and my sister is Kora, whose display name is... Kora. She needs a display name

FitzSIMMONS has changed Kora's display name to Named After An Avatar: The Last Airbender Character

Skyenet: That's way too long

Named After An Avatar: The Last Airbender Character: And I predate Avatar. Also, my name is spelled differently. And Korra has her own show!

FITZsimmons: Why do you know that?

Named After An Avatar: The Last Airbender Character: I was browsing TVTropes

Skyenet: Do you think Tony is making progress on hacking back in

Original Avengers Chat:

1:00 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank: I will hack into Skyenet's servers! Nothing is unhackable! Nothing!

Nat: I am typing this message on Tony's behalf. "Skyenet's servers aren't hackable. We must resort to other plans."

Tony Stank: ...she's a really good hacker

Popsicle: Is this... Tony Stark giving up and surrendering?

Tony Stank: No! I'm merely cutting my losses

Bird #2: Yeah. "Cutting my losses" is a euphemism for giving up

Capsicle: I second Sambucky

Hulk: So what now? Do we beg? PM Skyenet? Attempt to beat her up?

Asgardian: I recommend that you attempt to beat her up

Nat: Yes. That's an excellent idea. A single SHIELD Agent is no match for all of the Avengers!

Capsicle: I'm all for this plan, but... uh, where is Skyenet?

Nat: Well, Daisy Johnson is Quake's real name, so all we have to do is find out where Quake is

Tony Stank: We have a minor problem there

Nat: What? She's wiped herself off of the entire Internet somehow? 

Tony Stank: Not recently. However, she is currently in space. Where we can't follow

Asgardian: Where in space? Perhaps I can do this on your behalf, MY MIGHTY COMRADES!

Tony Stank: And there it is. The all-caps LETTERS. And that's the problem. We don't know

Nat: Which leaves PMing her. And, if that fails, begging her

Bird #1: Unfortunately

Capsicle: I hate this

Tony Stank: I agree with Capsicle

Avengers Chat:

2:10 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: We've won. The Avengers have admitted defeat. To me

Named After An Avatar: The Last Airbender Character: Where's the proof?

Skyenet: You, my own sister, doubt me? HOW DARE YOU!??

Mayday: Why's Daisy being overdramatic?

Skyenet: For the sheer fun of it. Anyway, this is a PM to me from Tony Stark. "Your systems have proven too mighty for me. I am forced to admit defeat. I shouldn't  give up, but I know a lost cause when I see one. The Avengers beg to be let back into their own chat. The alternatives were fighting you, which won, but then we realized you could be anywhere in space, or begging. Begging won. We surrender. Can you please, please, please, please, allow us back into our own chat? Please. Cap wants me to add a couple more "please"s, but my dignity strains to allow this much."

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: So... are we adding them back in?

Skyenet: Sure. But we're changing Kora's display name first

Mayday: To what?

Skyenet: You'll see

Skyenet has changed Named After An Avatar: The Last Airbender Character's display name to Energy

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, it's accurate at least

Skyenet has added Capsicle

Skyenet has added Asgardian

Skyenet has added Bird #1

Skyenet has added Bird #2

Skyenet has added Popsicle

Skyenet has added Nat

Skyenet has added Witch

Skyenet: Sorry, Wanda. Stark needed to be taught more humility

Witch: It's fine. And he should be humbled

Skyenet has added Hulk

Skyenet has added Tony Stank

Tony Stank: Finally back in our own chat. Can I be admin again?

Skyenet has added Pepperoni

Skyenet: You need insurance. This gives me that

Tony Stank: No. No

Capsicle: This should be interesting

Energy: Oh, yes

Pepperoni: What's this?

Skyenet: The Avengers group chat that we SHIELD Agents hacked

The Best Man Out Of Time: So... these are the mighty Avengers

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: They're usually more awesome and less dejected than this

Tony Stank: Wait, there are more people out of time. How? I must know this!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Wouldn't you like to know, Stark?

Badass Former Agent Lady: They're actually usually a handful who can't do anything other than save the world, even run their own companies

Pepperoni: Stark owns a company, but I actually do all the work

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

3:40 pm, July 27, 2024:

Nat: Forget about the time travel, regardless of how interested you are in it. Who is this so-called "Best Man Out Of Time"?

Tony Stank: Does Coulson agree that that moniker is accurate?

Popsicle: He'd better not

Capsicle: I doubt it. He was a huge fan of me. The time immediately after my defrosting (and the helicarrier... especially the helicarrier) were really awkward

Mayday: I've heard stories about those days...

Bird #1: I feel like May's current display name doesn't have enough... May-ness

Nat: Hmm... it does lack a certain badass quality

Mayday: What do you two mean? My display name is fine

Skyenet has changed Mayday's display name to The Motherf***ing Cavalry and Proud of It Since the 1980s

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Isn't that a little long?

Tony Stank: Coulson! Who is your favorite person from the past in this chat?

Popsicle: *starts polishing knives* it better be me or Cap...

Nat: Hey! Polishing knives for intimidation is my thing!

Popsicle: Too bad, so sad. Not specific enough for you to have a legal case

Bird #2: Also, it's not Nat filed a patent or anything

Nat: Oh? And how do you know that?

Capsicle: Because we were national fugitives until a few days ago? It's self-explanatory...

Nat: America isn't the only country on Earth, Rogers. Indeed, not every country signed the original Accords. Heck, not every country has signed the revised accords

Shuri: Wakanda still hasn't, as an FYI

Witch: Was that really relevant information?

Shuri: No, but I wanted to prove that I still had access to this chat

Spidey: Mr. Stark is debating banning me from this chat because it "has too much adult content"

Shuri: WTF?

Spidey: I know, right?

Nat: That means that I could have a patent in a non-American country, or even in America. I'm - or, at least, I was a spy, Rogers

Mayday: If Stank's adoptive kid is kicked from the chat, will the weird and ridiculous cussing filters go away?

Tony Stank: Nope. Those are hard-coded to this chat

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I presume that Daisy isn't above quaking me to influence my vote in the "Best Man Out Of Time" vote, so, for my own safety, I refuse to answer that inquiry

Skyenet: It's true. I'm not above that. *Smiles serenely*

Tony Stank: Who even is the Best Man Out Of Time? What time period are they from?

Skyenet: The forties

Tony Stank: Awww. Still? That's disappointing. We need variety in time travelers. There have never been any time travelers from the future or a decade other than the 1940s. The universe needs to get more creative with this stuff

Mischief: I have this weird feeling that I'm glad that it didn't. No clue why though

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Deja vu?

Mischief: No. Just a feeling. Maybe it's multiversial somehow?

Skyenet: There were the evil, time-traveling alien robots, Stark...

Tony Stank: There were what?

Skyenet: Evil, time-traveling alien robots. Are you growing stupid in your old age, Stark?

Bird #1: Ooooh, burn!

Nat: Clint. Be more mature... That being said, that is hilarious

Capsicle: Is this "Best Man Out Of Time" anyone that I would know?

Skyenet: Actually, yes

The Mother***ing Cavalry and Proud of It Since the 1980s: You did date the same person...

Popsicle: Wait, who did they both date?

Skyenet: Peggy Carter

The Best Man Out Of Time: She wouldn't shut up about Cap. Why we eventually broke up, although we stayed on good terms

Popsicle: That makes you... Daniel Sousa, then?

Skyenet: Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!

Nat: Wait, wait, wait. Tabling the the old guys reunion for a sec...

The Best Man Out Of Time: Hey!

Capsicle: Hey!

Popsicle: Hey!

Nat: Since when is May proud of being the Cavalry

Skyenet: The 1980s. It's in her username

Nat: Except a) I'm not sure Bahrain had even happened before the 1990s, and b) she was ashamed in this century. I'm not going insane, right? Clint, back me up here

Black Widow #2: Don't worry, sister. You're still the epitome of sanity. 

Bird #1: Nat's right

Skyenet: Well, I never said that this happened in this timeline's 1980s...

Tony Stank: Wait, the multiverse exists? So many possibilities... Hey, Bruce! The multiverse apparently exists. Want to perform experiments to determine how it functions? 

Hulk: No, Tony, I'm done playing mad scientist

Tony Stank: What if I offered you an incentive?

Hulk: Go on...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We are never letting Fitzsimmons and Bruce Banner and Tony Stark to be in a single room. That would be an unmitigated disaster. The world is nowhere near ready for what they would unleash

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: I agree with Coulson completely here. Daisy, back me up here

Skyenet: I'll endeavor to keep them distracted with space tech

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: That isn't even remotely a better idea!

Energy: I hate to admit this, but it probably is. If half of the stories I've heard about Tony Stank and Bruce Banner are true, them meeting Fitzsimmons would be apocalyptic... in either sense of the word

Tony Stank: What does that mean?

Skyenet: It's a joke in Greek, I think

Energy: It is

Nat: So, them getting together would mean the end of the world or a grand revelation?

Energy: Yep! Or both. Likely both

FITZsimmons: I found your lack of faith in me and my wife disturbing

FitzSIMMONS: Really, Daisy, have a little more faith in us

FITZsimmons: It's not like you can prevent it, after all

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Prevent what? You're starting to make me very worried

FitzSIMMONS: Us meeting with those who call themselves the Science Bros...

FITZsimmons: Fate's will cannot be prevented, after all

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: This is going to be an unmitigated disaster

Skyenet: I know. I can't wait

Skyenet: Also, this kind of thing is why I used to believe that Fitzsimmons had one mind spread across two bodies. Their dispute after SHIELD's fall cast doubt on that, and the bloody Framework killed it, but they are ridiculously in sync

FitzSIMMONS: Indeed. Even physical manifestations of our dark sides like each other...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I didn't need to know that. How do you even know that? Faith? Please be faith...

Skyenet: Probably Chronicom tech

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

4:20 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank: What's Chronicom tech? What are Chronicoms? Some kind of enhanced human? Everything unusual is some form of enhanced humans these days...

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: You're incorrect, but I don't want you learning exactly how you're incorrect

Skyenet: Oh, come on, Coulson, how bad can it be?

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Daisy... you know how bad things can get

FitzSIMMONS: Yeah, Daisy, tempting fate is a very bad idea

FITZsimmons: Assume that Murphy's law has a higher chance of happening if you outright challenge it

Skyenet: Okay. I get your point, sheesh. Don't tell Stark about the Chronicoms. Also, Simmons, the phrase "tempting fate" is remarkably unscientific

FitzSIMMONS: It's a figure of speech. I wasn't implying that fate actually existed... Actually, considering everything we've seen, I wouldn't actually be that surprised if it did. Is there a Norse deity in charge of fate? Hey, Thor, is there an Asgardian in charge of fate?

Skyenet: Loki can answer that too

Bird #1: Is having Loki answer anything a great idea? Can we trust anything Loki says? He is known as the Father of Lies

Skyenet: *rolls eyes* So's Herodotus. Seriously, titles don't mean everything

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: If they did, Daisy would be very annoyed, I think

Bird #1: Over what? 

Black Widow #2: I sense tea

Nat: Sis... tea? Who taught you American slang like tea?

Black Widow #2: I have been private messaging Stark for advice on assimilating into American culture. I must blend in when I visit in order to keep the press off of my back

Popsicle: That's... actually a logical plan. I completely should've thought of that

Tony Stank: Bucky... Bucky... Bucky... it's not that simple for you. You were already infamous before your association with Cap came to light - as the Winter Soldier. As yourself, you were pretty famous because of your Cap-related exploits. There would've been no way for you to blend into the general crowd

Popsicle: Stevie can blend into the crowd by merely wearing a fake beard or even just a hat. Americans aren't that intelligent

Tony Stank: What the... what on Earth? People fell for that trick? That's ridiculous!

Capsicle: It worked, anyway. I wonder if the general population of the United States has gotten stupider since the 1940s?

The Best Man Out Of Time: I haven't seen anything that would indicate that, but, then, I've also been hanging around SHIELD people pretty much exclusively... not that that's a bad thing

Tony Stank: Are the SHIELD people still annoying a**holes that know way more than the average person does and refuse to share it with you these days

Nat: Tony... you've been in a group chat with them for days already? And they can see this group chat! Be a little more sensitive in what you say!

Asgardian: Loki's the one you want to ask about the fate thing

Mischief: Since my oaf of a brother already brought it up, I might as well answer this. Asgardians believe that three deities rule over fate, but no one has actually met them. They're called the Norns. However, fate can be somewhat manipulated, and there is clearly something being manipulated. So, yes, fate exists. No Asgardian dominates all of it, though. It also seems as if most beings do have free will in addition to the will of fate, if fate is even sentient

Tony Stank: Wall of text much?

Capsicle: Oh, shut up. People wanted to know

Mischief: Thank you, Paragon of Moral Rightness

Tony Stank: Oh, that's too good. Display name changed! And well I'm at it

Tony Stank has changed Capsicle's display name to Paragon of Moral Rightness

Tony Stank has changed The Best Man Out Of Time's display name to A Dude Out Of Time

Skyenet has revoked admin privileges from Tony Stank

Tony Stank: What? Why?

Skyenet has changed A Dude Out Of Time's display name to Square

Square: Really, Daisy?

Skyenet: Yes. Also, Stark, because nobody trusts you with admin privileges. Well, no person in their right mind does, anyway

Pepperoni: Also, love, this is karma for skipping all of those SI meetings

Hulk: Tony's never been one for management. That's why Pepper does that work so Tony can work on his ideas (*cough, cough* Iron Man suits *cough, cough*) all day. I think Tony must have once made a resolution to never sleep for a normal amount of time

Pepperoni: If he did, that would explain a lot

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: He does seem to take his resolutions very seriously

Pepperoni: You're still not off the hook for not telling me about your resurrection, Coulson

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We can catch up later...

Pepperoni: Alright. Most of the Avengers should be there... except probably Tony, who will be holed up in his lab

Pepperoni has left the chat

Mischief: Also, titles actually do have power, Ms. Johnson. You of all people should know that

Skyenet: What's that supposed to mean? 

Mischief: Perhaps this should be discussed on a private chat, where the somewhat paranoid Avengers can't hear

Capsicle: I'm not paranoid!

Skyenet: Fine, but only as long as my SHIELD companions can join me, if they're willing

FitzSIMMONS: Sounds interesting

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: I don't trust Loki

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Neither do I

Energy: I'm on the same ship as you, and this sounds more interesting than our current path through literally empty space

Mischief: Where are you?

Skyenet: Someone in between the Milky Way and Andromeda. Not in any of the dwarf galaxies, though

Energy: I don't think that we're even in a galaxy at all right now, honestly

Tony Stank: All of this sounds like fascinating information... it also implies that you have FTL travel. It implies that SHIELD has FTL travel

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: We do

Tony Stank: And you didn't bother to tell me?

Nat: Wait, SHIELD has FTL? Can the Avengers use it? I want to explore the galaxy. Maybe help out some other civilizations that aren't from Earth...

Tony Stank: Help out? Think of the profit we could earn from exporting ideas to primitive civilizations...

Skyenet: Note to self: never let Stark get ahold of our time travel technology. He's one of those "Time Travel For Fun and Profit" types

Tony Stank: I would also spread the glorious ideals of America!

Chapter Text

Loki's Lecturing Text Channel:

5:10 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet has added Mischief to the chat

Skyenet: What did you want to tell me?

Mischief: I do want this chat to be completely private, and I don't trust Stark not to attempt hacking

Skyenet has added Energy to the chat

Mischief: What happened to making this a private chat?

Skyenet: She's my sister. She wanted to eavesdrop

Mischief has added Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore

Mischief has added The Mother***ing Cavalry and Proud of It Since the 1980s

Mischief: I never actually agreed to let them hear this. But they'll probably be interested anyway, you'd add them, & I'm unable to outhack you, even with my magic

Mischief: Thankfully, I am able to outhack Tony Stark. That allows us to make this a mostly private conversation

Skyenet: Do u want me to help? I have so many ideas to prank Stark

Mischief: That sounds awesome but now isn't the time. We need a different chat for that

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Get to the point, Loki

Mischief: I am! Oh, I forgot something

Mischief has added FitzSIMMONS

Mischief has added FITZsimmons

FitzSIMMONS: Hey, you remembered that I existed! I need to hear why Loki thinks titles have power. There is no scientific reason that that idea is possible

Skyenet: ...do you remember the amount of stuff without a scientific reason we've encountered

FITZsimmons: And that's why I'm leaving this conversation. Talking with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner sounds more interesting anyway

FitzSIMMONS: I'll tell you if I learn anything relevant

Mischief: I feel like Tony Stark would say something like, "Affection. Disgusting". I'd say it, but I'm trying to understand humans and ur weird ideas more

FITZsimmons has left the chat

Mischief has blocked FRIDAY from accessing the chat

Tony Stank has joined the chat

Tony Stank: You didn't seriously think that would keep me out of your supposedly "private" chat, did you? No chat is truly private! I can access anything if I wish to! Especially on Starkphones! I reign supreme technologically!

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Well, Stank is sounding a lot like an evil overlord right now... It's actually kind of freaky

Skyenet: Don't worry. Blocking FRIDAY was meant as bait. And Stank fell for it. Which allows me to do this

Skyenet has blocked Tony Stank

Skyenet has traced Tony Stank to his residence

Skyenet has seized total control of Tony Stank's phone

Skyenet: Alright, so Stark can't interrupt us anymore. I have taken control of his phone, so his hacking will fail

Mischief: That's actually somewhat scary

Skyenet: Begin with your lecture, oh great god of mischief

Mischief: I can practically touch your sarcasm

FitzSIMMONS: Sarcasm isn't tangible...

Mischief: *Eyeroll* It was a metaphor. Anyway, names have titles because they influence the actions of those that bear them

Skyenet: They what now? How did May hate her title of the Cavalry for so long, then?

Mischief: The title didn't want to piss her off

Skyenet: What?

Energy: This conversation isn't that interesting, sadly. I have a better idea

Skyenet: Why do I find that worrying?

Energy: Don't worry, sis. I'm not up to anything

Energy has left the chat

Skyenet: That doesn't stop my worrying!

Mischief: Alright, I'm just going to ignore that. Basically, titles exist to grant influence to their holders. I, for example, am the God of Mischief, which makes me very mischievous and powerful. Well, I'm the God of Mischief most of the time.

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Most of the time? What does that mean?

Mischief: I am also, on occasion, - *deep breath* - the God of Magic, the God of Fire, the Savior of Asgard (very rarely and that's new), the God of Air, and the God of the End (although I am apparently the second being with that title). Also, Loki and the God of Evil

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: Yeah, okay. I get it. You have a lot of titles, but what does that mean? What, is it like those are your identities?

Skyenet: And what did you mean, that I of all people should know about the importance of titles?

Mischief: I'll answer the second question first. You were - and are - known as the Destroyer of Worlds, or am I wrong? As for your question, Coulson, they are kind of like identities, but it's far more complicated than that. I can have multiple titles at the same time, but it is very difficult. That's because titles are influenced by those who grant them. This is a trope on your world, is it not? A deity gains power from being known as a deity

Android That Used To Be Human But Isn't Anymore: So... gods need to be prayed to in order to remain gods?

Mischief: No. If that was the case, no being that was ever worshipped as a deity would ever stop contact with their worshippers. Prayer doesn't matter. Knowledge - that is, memory - does

FitzSIMMONS: That makes no scientific sense. At all whatsoever

Mischief: It does, actually. Unfortunately, your world (and even most of what remains of Asgard) doesn't have the required sciences to comprehend it. Sorry

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Is that why there's a bloodthirsty... okay, that joke isn't actually that funny. I think I get it. How many titles does Daisy have?

Mischief: I can't tell you that - not without causing a time paradox

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: DAISY!

Skyenet: I haven't screwed with time since the Chronicom War!

Mischief: What does your username mean anyway, Agent May? Shouldn't there be an f somewhere?

The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Blame Stark's weird sensor

Skyenet: I'll fix it so that your username makes some sense, Mom

Skyenet has renamed The Mother***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s to The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s

Skyenet: I presume that Stark got brought down by autocorrect

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: I'm blaming him, regardless of autocorrect's guilt

Skyenet: Let's make our prank Stark chat, @Mischief

Mischief: That sounds like a good idea

The Chat For Pranking Tony Stank:

7:20 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet has added Mischief to the chat

Skyenet: I have many plans to do this prank

Mischief: Why not prank all of the Avengers?

Skyenet: I like how you think...

The Younger Sister Squad:

6:00 pm, July 27, 2024:

Energy has added Black Widow #2

Black Widow #2: What is this?

Energy: I figured that the younger siblings of famous heroes should get their own chat

Black Widow #2 has added Shuri to the chat

Shuri: This is a brilliant idea. We should cause lots of chaos

Energy: I like how u think

Black Widow #2: My sister must be one of the targets... *evil laughter*

Chapter Text

The Chat For Pranking Tony Stank:

8:40 pm, July 27, 2024:

Mischief: Who should we start with?

Skyenet: Tony is probably easiest. I do control his phone...

Mischief: And that will help you prank him?

Skyenet: Oh, definitely. Do u have any idea how much blackmail material Stank keeps on his personal phone? 

Mischief: No, but I imagine that it's a lot

Skyenet: It is - and his phone is useful for far more than just blackmail... but blackmail's a good place to start

Mischief: I have no clue what's on his phone. What kind of blackmail are we talking about? How embarrassing is it? 

Skyenet: Depends on what photo or video, but a lot of it is stuff that he considers embarrassing that really isn't at all. We could start with this to trigger his amusing reactions...

Mischief: Or?

Skyenet: We could also start with the legitimately embarrassing content and get others to film his reactions... although there are many problems with that strategy

Mischief: Like what?

Skyenet: Well, for one thing, it would require adding more people to this chat, which would reduce our potential targets - and one of the new additions would have to be someone who's currently present at "Avengers Tower", which probably means a member of the Avengers 

Mischief: So... add someone who we wouldn't want to prank for fear of retaliation anyway?

Skyenet: Theoretically, except there are ways to prank scary people without inviting their retaliation - all we need to do is frame someone else

Mischief: Didn't u do that already?

Skyenet: Why would I want to fix something that isn't broken?

Mischief: Eh, fair point. I guess we're starting with the not actually embarrassing pics then?

Skyenet: Yep. *smiley face*

Mischief: While u r at it, try to reprogram "Starkphones" to have emojis

Avengers Chat:

8:30 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank: Why is this so quiet? 

Nat: Because some of us were trying to deal with the fact that SHIELD has FTL travel and didn't tell us...

Tony Stank: Really?

Nat: No. We're just worried about having left the SHIELD people and Loki alone and don't want to encourage them

Tony Stank: Encourage them about what?

Nat: It's Loki and the SHIELD people - you know, the literal God of Mischief and the people who hacked us for their own amusement? What do u think we're worried about, genius? Pranking, obviously

Skyenet: Too late! We're back!

Skyenet: *Image of Tony and Pepper kissing* Stank, if affection is disgusting, how do u explain this? Are u disgusting? Or just a hypocrite?

Capsicle: He just dropped his phone and is muttering something under his breath. I have no clue what he's trying to see.

Nat: So... Tony Stank.exe has shut down?

Capsicle: It certainly appears that way.

Tony Stank is typing

Capsicle: Oh. He appears to be rebooting now. I wonder why he is so offended by that photo...

Tony Stank: HOW DID U EVEN GET ACCESS TO THAT, SKYENET? THAT WAS ONLY SAVED ON MY PERSONAL PHONE! I EVEN DELETED IT AFTER U HACKED ME THE FIRST TIME! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY UNRECOVERABLE! 

Mischief: Alright, Stank. U don't need to shout

Capsicle: I didn't realize that Tony hated being caught being affectionate so much... it honestly appears to be a massive overreaction.

Tony Stank: NO, IT ISN'T! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, CAP! WHY DO I EVEN STILL CHECK THIS CHAT? I KNEW SOMETHING BAD WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Former Director: Wow. Stark is being so ridiculously overdramatic it's not even funny

Energy: What do u mean? It's hilarious

The Younger Sister Squad:

8:43 pm, July 27, 2024:

Energy: R any of u looking at the Avengers Chat rn? I think I have an idea to begin our reign of chaos!

Black Widow #2: Add Pepper to that chat?

Energy: Of course

Shuri: Why would that be - nvm, just looked at the chat. Isn't that a bit cruel?

Energy: Do u want to troll the Avengers or not?

Energy has changed Shuri's name to Coward

Coward: Fine. Change my name back first

Black Widow #2: No. U need a nickname like literally everybody else

Energy: I have an idea...

Energy has changed Coward's display name to The Better Cat

Black Widow #2: That works

The Better Cat: To the Avengers Chat?

Energy: To the Avengers Chat! *Evil cackling*

Avengers Chat:

8:46 pm, July 27, 2024:

The Better Cat: We just had an excellent idea

Skyenet: We? Who's we?

Black Widow #2: The Younger Sister Squad (TM)

Nat: Oh. Oh, no. This is going to be an utter disaster

Energy has added Pepperoni

Pepperoni: Why am I here?

Black Widow #2: Scroll up

Pepperoni: *deep breath* Really, Tony? 

Tony Stank: Um, honey, it's nothing personal

Nat: *Facepalms* 

Black Widow #2: Does anyone have popcorn?

Skyenet: No, but I wish I did

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: Don't worry, Daisy. I've got u covered *Passes Daisy popcorn*

Skyenet: Excellent *Consumes popcorn*

Pepperoni: Did u try to erase all evidence of any of our romantic relationships? Because, if u did, u r sleeping on the couch

The Better Cat: Oooh, the couch card has been played

Pepperoni: Can the peanut gallery please shut up and let me yell at my boss? Anyway, why? I know u don't actually consider affection disgusting

Tony Stank: Of course I don't, dear. It was just a joke. That photo was simply offensive for other reasons

Pepperoni: Like what?

Tony Stank: It was our first kiss! It was a private and precious moment

Skyenet: Ah, crud. At least I'm in space

Skyenet has left the chat

Mischief: Don't leave me here!

Mischief has left the chat

Pepperoni: What r they planning now?

Energy: I don't know

The Better Cat: But this leaves the pranking throne open

Black Widow #2: And we intend to take it

Nat: We're so scared

Tony Stank: Was that sarcasm I just heard?

Nat: I can be sarcastic, Stank!

Skyenet has joined the chat

Skyenet: I'm not giving up that position that easily, sister. Unless you wish to form an alliance?

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud of It Since the 1980s: I'd join such an alliance

Pepperoni: What have I unleashed?

Nat: Horror

Chapter Text

The Younger Sister Squad:

9:06 pm, July 27, 2024:

Black Widow #2: Are we taking Quake's offer?

The Better Cat: Yes

Energy: Never! I will take my sister's throne

Black Widow #2: I need to check something to see how helpful they'd be

Energy: Why does that matter? This is the perfect opportunity! They're afraid of retaliation atm. We could even ally with Pepper. Surely she wants revenge

The Better Cat: That does sound like a good idea, actually...

Energy: Why did u think that posting in the Avengers Chat was a good idea, Yelena?

Black Widow #2: My sister wouldn't dare to lower herself to pranking anyone

Energy: R u quite sure about that?

Black Widow #2: No. Wait. Younger Sister Solidarity? Please don't plot with Natalia against me

The Better Cat: I make no promises

Avengers Chat:

9:15 pm, July 27, 2024:

Black Widow #2: @Skyenet, how well do you know my sister? Specifically for pranking purposes?

Nat: What r u plotting, sister?

Black Widow #2: Nothing. It was an entirely hypothetical question!

Nat: Sure it was

Skyenet: Not well. May, on the other hand...

Nat: Melinda May would never plot against me

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: I wouldn't be so sure, Nat. What pranks were being considered?

Skyenet: We shouldn't discuss such things in this very public chat. We need privacy - and more people

Nat: No amount of schemers would ever be able to prank me!

Tony Stank: R u sure that they haven't already? Wasn't your hair mysteriously green?

Nat: That was Cap's fault

Capsicle: No, I didn't! Anyone could have written a note and said that it was from me! Why do you believe that the pranking squad was innocent?

Nat: How would they have gotten into my room at the Tower? And there was literally video evidence of your misdeeds, Rogers

Capsicle: Um... there has to be some way.

Nat: Tell me how they got in, and I might believe you

Tony Stank: Wouldn't that just prove that he could have been involved in the prank, thereby incriminating him even mopre?

Capsicle: Mopre

Nat: Mopre

Skyenet: Mopre. What does that even mean? A mop that sends emails?

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: Mopre. And what, Daisy? How did you even get that idea?

Black Widow #2: Mopre

The Better Cat: Mopre

Tony Stank: Ok, I get it! Do you guys not have anything better to do than taunt me about my typos? U clearly knew what I meant from context

Nat: Yeah, but giving u a hard time about it was fun

Capsicle: And it was revenge for the "language" joke

Tony Stank: Whatever. 

Black Widow #2: I'm up for aiding ur pranking by the way, Quake

The Better Cat: Yes, teach us ur ways, Jedi master

Spidey: We can access the chat again?

Tony Stank: Spiderman, we've been able to access the chat for days now. How well do u know the youth of today?

Spidey: I'm a kid, Mr. Stark

Tony Stank: Excellent. U can aid me in getting revenge for past grievances...

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: Past grievances? Isn't that a little dramatic, Stank?

Tony Stank: Not at all. I'm in trouble with Pepper now...

Pepperoni: We're fine. I would, however, appreciate getting revenge on the people who gave me a headache

Popsicle: I think that this is about to turn into a prank war. This'll be fun

Skyenet: @Black Widow #2, @The Better Cat, I added both of u to our pranking chat

The Chat For Pranking Tony Stank:

9:19 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet has added Black Widow #2

Skyenet has added The Better Cat

Skyenet: It seems like there might be a faction forming to retaliate against us. Stank was really pissed about our opening shot

Mischief: How pissed, exactly? Like "I stubbed my toe and need to blame someone" pissed or like "I need to destroy an entire planet" pissed?

The Better Cat: What kind of classifications are those?

Black Widow #2: Sensible ones

Mischief: Thank you for the support - these are perfectly reasonable categories (and the only categories my brother actually has)

Skyenet: I think it's somewhere in between. "Retaliate for the humiliation, thereby starting a prank war"

Mischief: Ah, so "I need to destroy the tranquility of an entire planet", then

Skyenet: I suppose? Anyway, this means that we need to plan our next moves

Mischief: Avoid more pranking of Stank and hope that he calms down?

Skyenet: There's no way that's going to work, but we do need to target the other Avengers

Skyenet has changed the name of the chat to The Chat For Pranking the Avengers

Skyenet has added The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s

Skyenet has added FitzSIMMONS

Skyenet: Who should we target first?

Black Widow #2: My sister. Her pride is getting to me. She's such a poser

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: I'm ok with attacking Natasha, and I even have a plan...

Skyenet: What is it?

Black Widow #2: It needs to be more annoying than your green hair prank

Mischief: What r u talking about? The green hair prank was great

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: I'd like to think that this is better than the hair. I plan to unleash spiders on her

Mischief: And?

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: They're mechanical spiders that r programmed to play Cap's PSAs on repeat

Skyenet: We already used Cap's PSAs, but I like this idea. It just needs a little something extra

Black Widow #2: I have an idea...

FitzSIMMONS: I have a few ideas for Captain America

Skyenet: One thing at a time, sis. One thing at a time. I'm glad to have u here now.

The Avengers Chat:

9:36 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank: Ok, I'll admit it. This is hilarious. It's better when I'm not the target

Capsicle: I'd be careful with your words if I was in your shoes

Tony Stank: Why?

Nat: SO YOU'RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ABOMINATION, STANK?

Tony Stank: No. I just approve of the guilty party's taste

Asgardian: What happened?

Nat: SOMEBODY HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO SNEAK A BUNCH OF MECHANICAL SPIDERS INTO MY BED THAT PLAYED CAP'S PSAS ON REPEAT. WHEN I FOUND THE BUTTON TO TURN OFF THE PSAS, THEY STARTED SHOUTING "POSER" IN MY SISTER'S VOICE

Tony Stank: And you blamed me for this? Not the actual group that your sister's part of?

Nat: Hmm...

The Retaliatory Squad:

9:53 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank has added Pepperoni

Tony Stank has added Spidey

Tony Stank has added Nat

Tony Stank: So how will we achieve our revenge?

Nat: I have a few ideas...

Chapter Text

The Retaliatory Squad:

9:55 pm, July 27, 2024:

Spidey: Y does Nat trust Mr. Stark here? Didn't he say that he approved of the pranks that were played on Nat?

Tony Stank: Peter! Why did you have to bring that up?

Pepperoni: Peace. We have a common enemy. This is to retaliate against those who have humiliated all of us, yes?

Nat: Pepper is right. I am willing to put aside my issues with Stank's judgement if I can get revenge on my foolish sister...

Pepperoni: Nat, you said that you had a few ideas for revenge?

Nat: Oh, right. We could attempt to sow discord between them by playing pranks on them and then blaming it on other members of their pranking squad

Tony Stank: That's boring. We need something a bit more interesting... like something that brings up the Wakandan association with cats for Shuri...

Nat: Or a prank that involves spiders and white for my annoying sis

Spidey: What?

Nat: Oh, my little sis decided to rip off my brand and call herself "White Widow" or something. It's stupid

Tony Stank: And you propose doing what, exactly, to her?

Nat: White dye is a thing...

Spidey: Oh, I see. I love this idea!

Tony Stank: What is "this idea"?

Nat: You'll see

Pepperoni: Who else is a member of their idiotic pranking squad? Surely there are other people who would aid us in getting revenge

Nat: Melinda May might be a member of their squad, but I don't want to piss her off, so I guess that means we're sparing her

Tony Stank: Why r u excluding someone from ur vengeance? R u afraid, Nat?

Nat: It's a respect thing

Tony Stank: Uh huh. Sure it is

Pepperoni: I don't suppose that there is anyone else that we can recruit?

Spidey: I think Loki might be a member? We could recruit Thor

Tony Stank: Ah, Point Break! Yeah, that's an amazing idea

Nat: Seconded. We can do so much more with our pranks if we have a little... divine aid

Tony Stank: Actually, if we're getting Point Break, maybe we should try to recruit Hulk

Pepperoni: Wouldn't Hulk just smash everything in sight?

Nat: I think Thor and Hulk did something together and now Dr. Banner can control his intelligence during his transformation now

Tony Stank: What? Why wasn't I told about this?

Pepperoni: U probably were at some point, but u weren't paying attention

Tony Stank: I feel so betrayed right now. Is anyone on my side?

Spidey: Don't worry, Mr. Stark. I still support u

Tony Stank: Well, at least someone does

Nat: I feel like we should change Stank's display name back

Nat has changed Tony Stank's display name to Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter

Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter: Hey!

Pepperoni: That honestly got old a while ago

Pepperoni has changed Ego That Dwarfs Jupiter's display name to Mister Stank

Mister Stank: Thank u

Nat: Since when does Pepper have admin privileges?

Pepperoni: I still manage Stark Industries :)

Nat: Should that be Stank Industries now?

Pepperoni: Really, Natasha?

Nat: Sorry. Anyway, can we move on with getting the pranks done?

Spidey: Sure, but Mr. Stark should add Thor first

Mister Stank: Fine

Mister Stank has added Asgardian

Asgardian: WHAT IS THIS CHAT?

Pepperoni: Thor, can you turn off the caps lock

Asgardian: Oh, right

Nat: And it's a chat to gain revenge on a group of people that is pranking us. This group includes ur brother. We were hoping that u could aid us in our quest...

Asgardian: I certainly can, Friend Natasha, Loki has many weaknesses...

The Avengers Chat:

10:34 pm, July 27, 2024:

Black Widow #2: Am I the only one concerned about how quiet this chat currently is? There r no Avengers complaining about getting pranked

Skyenet: Ik. It's concerning. I'll try to perform some hacking to see what's up

Tony Stank: U r too late! This is the hour of the Avengers's vengeance!

Nat: Yes. I have finally managed to get my sister back

Black Widow #2: What? I don't see anything strange...

Nat: You will

Black Widow #2: I wonder if... hey @The Better Cat, do u want to visit my house and check all the rooms for anything unusual

Nat: Oh, come on. That's just cheating

Skyenet: This is why u don't preemptively brag about ur pranks, Avengers

Mischief: Yeah. That's like... Rule Number 1 of the Pranking Handbook

Tony Stank: Wait, there's a handbook? Where can we get it?

Mischief: U can't. I would never betray my allies

Asgardian: What do u mean that you'd "never betray your allies," brother. I can think of multiple times within the last decade alone when u've done exactly that

Mischief: Shut up, brother

Asgardian: Make me

Tony Stank: Asgardian family fights r always interesting, just as Asgardians r always fun... when they're not being mind-controlled, at least

Mischief: Eh, agree to disagree on that one. There r some Asgardians that u don't want to meet

Skyenet: Oh, I 100% agree with Loki here

The Motherf***ing Cavalry And Proud Of It Since the 1980s: Yep. Also, SHIELD takes complete offense to your habit of making us clean up your messes!

Asgardian: I have no idea what you're talking about

Mischief: I might know what they're referencing

Energy: We've gotten way off topic. Stop being a coward, Yelena, and enter ur house already

Black Widow #2: Fine

Nat: Wait, that worked?

Black Widow #2: Really, Natasha? This isn't even a good prank, it's just plain weird. I don't know what possessed u and made u think that painting them white would make me less suspicious of the LEGION OF BLACK WIDOWS THAT U PUT INTO MY PILLOW

Nat: Oh? I thought u'd appreciate it, Miss White Widow

Mischief: Ah, a pun! I approve!

Black Widow #2: Loki!

Mischief: Oh, stop worrying. I'll still help u get her back

The Retaliatory Squad:

10:59 pm, July 27, 2024:

Tony Stank: Nice one, Nat! Who should we target next?

Spidey: Quake?

Pepperoni has added Skyenet

Nat: Really, Pepper?

Pepperoni: That wasn't me

Tony Stank: Oh, right, she can hack stuff. I totally forgot about that

Spidey: So Quake is excused?

Nat: I suppose...

Pepperoni: Even if she is excused, we need to make sure that she doesn't report our plans to our targets. How are we supposed to do that?

Chapter Text

The Retaliatory Squad:

11:11 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: U could offer me incentive in exchange for my neutrality

Pepperoni: What kind of incentive?

Nat: And how would we know that u haven't betrayed us?

Skyenet: Hmm.... u could show my sister how much she has not taken my place as the Queen of Pranking...

Mister Stank: U seriously want us to target ur sister? Really? 

Skyenet: Absolutely. Besides, I can make it easier for u and aid u in ur quest to get the rest of the Younger Siblings Squad

Pepperoni: Does that mean we should invite King T'Challa to this group?

Spidey: No. We can spare Shuri. We have more than enough targets as is - many of which r Quake's SHIELD allies...

Skyenet: Oh, I'm not helping u get May or Coulson. You're welcome to try anyway, of course, but I doubt you'll succeed. Also, if u try, I will tell Fury...

Mister Stank: Oh, come on!

Nat: Wait, is Fury fair game? 

Skyenet: Sure. He ditched SHIELD, so I can help u prank him...

Mister Stank: Nvm. The Pirate is our first target

Pepperoni: Of course

Spidey: We can't attack someone with less of an incentive to seek revenge first?

Asgardian: We need to get Loki at some point

Nat: I thought that was implied

Mister Stank: Starting with Loki might actually be a good idea...

Pepperoni: If you have to choose a less dangerous target, it would probably be Former Director Fury. Loki was known as the God of Mischief - pranks are his domain.

Nat: Could we recruit him to our side?

Asgardian: He'd betray us ASAP. He'd help us prank and then he'd help our opponents prank us. That's a bad idea

Skyenet has added Mischief

Skyenet: Isn't talking about someone behind their back rude?

Mischief: It is. I'm offended by ur low opinion of me, brother!

Asgardian: Am I wrong, though?

Mister Stank: Burn

Mischief: The peanut gallery can shut up. Of course you're right, Thor, but it's still rude to outright say it

Nat: Can we please get back to pranking someone instead of just imagining targets? I think that my sister will want revenge on me for pranking her and need to prepare either a counterstrike or a preemptive attack!

Mischief: *Grabs popcorn* Oh, she is! I was helping her earlier

Pepperoni: Why would you tell us that? Why would you aid us?

Mischief: What, am I not allowed to do things out of the goodness of my heart now?

Asgardian: U never aid anyone without ulterior motives, Loki

Skyenet: *Steals some of Loki's popcorn* I think I know what Loki's motives are?

Nat: Tell us, then

Skyenet: Nah. It's more amusing to watch u not realize obvious things and worry about unclear threats

Mister Stank: No, it isn't!

Skyenet: It is from my vantage point. Cyah! It's late and I need to sleep

Nat: Sleeping might be a good idea

Pepperoni: They do make a great point

Mister Stank: Those traitors! Abandoning me before we have finished planning a prank! They get tired far too easily!

Asgardian: Alright, Stark, how long have you been up and why?

Mister Stank: It wasn't that long - only about 36 hours

Mischief: That does not sound like a healthy sleep schedule

Mister Stank: F*** off, Reindeer Games

Mischief: Reindeer Games? You're still on that nickname? I don't even wear a horned helmet that often anymore

Younger Siblings Squad:

10:59 pm, July 27, 2024:

Black Widow #2: How dare my sister attempt to counterprank me? I must retaliate

Energy: Why r u declaring this in this chat and not in the planning chat that u made without me?

Black Widow #2: I don't trust Quake not to betray me...

The Better Cat: Y not? What does she have to gain by aiding the Avengers?

Black Widow #2: The ability to backstab them later?

The Better Cat: I just had the best idea! We need to expand our membership

Energy: I was under the impression that we'd dissolved

The Better Cat: What made u think that?

Energy: The fact that you guys left me for my sister's "Prank the Avengers" chat?

The Better Cat: That was more of a temporary alliance...

Black Widow #2: What was ur idea?

The Better Cat: We are not the only younger siblings of the Avengers

Energy: I like this idea already

Black Widow #2: What idea?

The Better Cat has added Mischief to the chat

Mischief: What is this chat?

Black Widow #2: That is a good idea... Loki can aid us in our pranks!

Mischief: I'm already down with ur ideas

The Better Cat: *Rubbing her hands together* Excellent

Energy: BTW, this is a chat for the younger siblings of Avengers to chat and plan fun things

Mischief: Like pranks?

Black Widow #2: Like pranks. Speaking of which, how r we going to get Natasha back for putting black widows painted white into my pillow

Energy: She did what now?

Black Widow #2: She said it was a pun

Mischief: Maybe we should sleep first

Energy: I'm in space. I am not bound to such petty things as the time it is on Earth

Mischief: Then why do u always happen to be up when things are happening in the chat?

Energy: Convenience. And shouldn't u be asking @The Better Cat that question? She's in Wakanda

The Better Cat: Sleep is for the weak!

Black Widow #2: That explains a lot

The Better Cat: Do u want my help with retaliation or not?

Black Widow #2 has deleted a message

Black Widow #2: U saw nothing

Energy: We can delete messages?

Black Widow #2: Unimportant! Help me with my vengeance!

Energy: Fine

The Better Cat: I have the perfect idea. Ur sister likes her tech, right?

Black Widow #2: Yes

The Better Cat: Perfect. I should have something ready by the time she wakes up. I just need someone to get it into the tower. @Mischief?

Mischief: I'm not on Earth rn, sry

The Better Cat: And neither is @Energy. Where r u, Yelena?

Black Widow #2: I can easily sneak into "Avengers Tower". I live in New York

The Better Cat: Good. good. Very good...

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

11:30 pm, July 27, 2024:

Nat: black widows in my pillow? Really, sis? U couldn't do anything more creative than that?

Mister Stank: What? Black widows were in ur pillow? That's terrible

Capsicle: Since when does Stark care about the minor misfortunes of others?

Witch: Hey! U stole my line! I had the sentiment first...

Spidey: I don't get what Mister Stark is getting so worked up about

Nat: I have to agree with the kid. It's annoying but not that big a deal

Skyenet: I wonder how Stank will react... @Mischief, any ideas?

Mischief: If I did have any ideas, why would I mention them here?

Skyenet: Fair point

Mister Stank: No! You're all missing the point! I don't care that Natasha got pranked - although I would care if it affected whether or not she could aid me in my retaliation - I care that Natasha got pranked while in Avengers Tower! Since the annoying hackers know where that is, it wouldn't be a concern, except I got the impression that they were staying neutral., which means that someone in the Younger Siblings Prank Scheming Group can sneak into the tower!

Skyenet: The Agents of SHIELD are relegated to "annoying hackers" now? I locked u out of ur own chat. I am staying neutral, though

Witch: Wow, Stark, wall of text much?

Mischief: Sure, I'm neutral. Well, "neutral". I'm the God of Mischief, I can't take a side in a prank war

Black Widow #2: Of course I can access Avengers Tower. I'm a spy, remember?

Mister Stank: It looks like our strategy might need a refinement

Pepperoni: But, first, everybody needs to GO TO SLEEP!

Backstabbing Committee:

11:04 pm, July 27, 2024:

Skyenet: Are u defining "neutral" the way I'm defining it?

Mischief: Depends. R u defining it as "every1 is fair game"

Skyenet: Absolutely. I will aid all sides of the war. That way, I win no matter what

Mischief: Ah, a pragmatic perspective! I'm just doing this because it is my nature...

Skyenet: It's ur nature? Really? That's ur excuse?

Mischief: Thor'll buy it, at the very least

Skyenet: I highly doubt most of the others will

Skyenet: R u planning on ensuring the escalation of the conflict? The more intense pranks, the better?

Mischief: U know me so well...

Skyenet: Excellent! And we also both want as many separate factions as possible, correct? 

Mischief: Maybe not as many factions as possible since that'd result in a every man for himself situation...

Skyenet: Every man?

Mischief: *Every person. Whatever. That's what u're nitpicking on right now?

Skyenet: No. I was just trolling u, o great and mighty God of Mischief

Mischief: Whatever. The different factions should also occasionally form alliances...

Skyenet: So they can backstab each other later? I like the idea...

Chapter Text

Avengers Chat:

4:35 am, July 28, 2024:

Mister Stank: Up and at it, everyone! It's time to plan pranks!

Nat: Really, Stark? It has been only five hours! The rest of us have functioning sleep schedules! GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Skyenet: It's not a problem with me. Space is magical and doesn't have time zones. This somehow means that we don't have to sleep...

Nat: That doesn't make one lick of sense

Energy: It actually does since my dear sister isn't telling the full truth... we sleep during downtime when nobody else is doing anything

Mister Stank: Oh, shame. I thought that they followed the Stark (TM) Method of Sleeping (Patent Pending)

Nat: You mean not sleeping for days on end and then collapsing to the ground during the day, sometimes even at noon? That's not even unique to u! Doctor Banner used to do that as well

Energy: Oooh, this sounds interesting... "used to?"

Nat: I taught him better habits...

Mister Stank: No! How dare u corrupt my science bro, Nat?

Nat: First of all, don't call me Nat! It's Natasha! Or Black Widow! Or Her Royal Majesty... Or The Terrifying One

Mister Stank: The Terrifying One fits u very well, but ur display name is Nat!

Nat:That doesn't matter. Respect me!

Mister Stank: Fine, Oh Terrifying One. Speaking of strange things, though, y r u awake at this hour? I thought u had a "functioning sleep schedule"?

Nat: Ur text woke me up. I'm going back to sleep

9:43 pm, July 28, 2024:

Mischief: Ah, the Stanky One was awake at a terribly early hour...

Capsicle: He always is. Just ignore it and keep your phone muted while you're asleep. That should work to keep him silenced...

Mister Stank: Ah, Capsicle! U mute me? This is hurtful!

Pepperoni: Stop being overdramatic, Tony. The good captain has a point

Former Director: Yes, he does. I wonder if there is a way to make Tony have a decent sleep schedule. I'd even accept using force to achieve this...

Mischief: I like Mister Fury's idea

Pepperoni: I doubt that your plan will work - I've tried many things to make Tony not fell asleep in his lab and actually use his bed for once, but nothing seems to work

Capsicle: It must be a Stark thing. Howard used to work instead of sleeping all the time. It got really annoying at times - like when he'd fall asleep in the cockpit of our plane while he was flying it. I wonder if it's genetic...

Former Director: I think that Cap's trying to BS us. Fortunately, we have two other men who were alive during the World War 2 Era, so we can check with them

Mister Stank: Wait, BS got past my cussing detector. Da**it? Seriously, I can't even say that. I clearly designed this thing too well...

Skyenet: That was actually one of my alterations when I hacked into the Starkphone Mainframe...

Mister Stank: U did what? When? Oh, nvm. When u locked us out of this chat, u could do whatever u wanted, I suppose

Former Director: Right. Anyway, @Popsicle and @Best Man Out Of Time, did Howard Stark ever fall asleep in the cockpit while he was flying a plane?

Popsicle: Yes, he did. That was hilarious. Those were the days...

Best Man Out Of Time: I don't remember this, but Peggy might've mentioned it. All of her "Howard Stark Is Being Stupid" stories blurred together

Former Director: Okay, so apparently the good captain wasn't BSing us

Skyenet: That discussion gave me so many good pranking ideas...

Mischief: I agree. I'm also selling pranking ideas to the highest bidder, by the way

Former Director: $500 for ur most humiliating idea!

Mister Stank: $2600 for the same.

Former Director: $5700 to get it instead of the Stanky One

Skyenet changed Mister Stank's display name to The Stanky One

Spidey: ROFL

The Stanky One: $7900 to outbid Fury!

Nat: $11,643 for the most humiliating idea instead of either Fury or the Stanky One

The Stanky One: I own a company! I can outbid both of u! $15,985!

Mischief: *Looks smug* This was an amazing idea

Skyenet: I know. It gives me a good idea...

Capsicle: Oh, no! I sense a massive disturbance in the Force...

Spidey: Cap knows Star Wars? When did he have time to learn that?

Capsicle: Those movies were on Tony's "Essential List of Movies to See to Understand the 21st Century"

The Stanky One: That list was one of my greatest creations

Former Director: I am suddenly very interested in the contents of this list...

The Stanky One: Enough to drop ur bids?

Former Director: Of course not. Besides, weren't u so proud of being able to outbid us?

The Stanky One: Ummm...

Nat: He has u there. $21,398

The Stanky One: $26,494. Is that enough, Loki?

Mischief: It's an auction. It's only enough if nobody else outbids u

The Stanky One: Drat

Capsicle: I predict that Nat gives up first

Popsicle: U willing to bet on that, punk?

Capsicle: Actually, yes. I'm so certain in fact that I'm willing to bet $1500 on it

Popsicle: Deal. Natasha, u'd better not drop out first!

Nat: No worries. I have a plan! 

Capsicle: Our bet's off if Nat cheats by threatening physical violence in any way

Skyenet: Does that mean that threats of non-physical violence r ok?

Nat: I must assume that they r...

Former Director: At least Natasha has no clue where I am right now

Mister Stank: Drat. I'm in the same building as her! I am so screwed

Nat: U could give up now... $45,863 to Loki for his idea, by the way

Former Director: $64,507 

Pepperoni: Tony, you are not allowed to use company money in auctions run by the Norse God of Mischief. This should honestly be self-explanatory

Mister Stank: But, honey...

Pepperoni: That's final!

Mister Stank: Fine

Nat: *cough, cough* Whipped *cough, cough*

Former Director: Really, Nat?

Nat: *Shrugs* Nobody else was taking the opportunity, and it was so obvious

Skyenet: Since Loki's auction was going so well... I will begin my own auction! It's for admin privileges in this very chat!

Mister Stank: Oooh, $655

Capsicle: U're going to need a better starting bid than that. $1500

Black Widow #2: What'd I miss?

Skyenet: A lot

Black Widow #2: How much is a lot? Is my sister willing to help?

Nat: U put black widows in my pillow, so I'm not that inclined to help...

Black Widow #2: It was retaliation! U deserved that! Can we just call it even?

Nat: That's still not a good enough offer. What else r u offering?

Black Widow #2: I can betray my co-conspirators? 

Energy: Which co-conspirators? The Younger Sibling Squad? If so, I will be very displeased...

Black Widow #2: Of course not

Nat: That's acceptable. Tony tried to wake everyone up before dawn because he doesn't have a functioning sleep schedule (we later determined that this might be genetic)

Black Widow #2: What?

Nat: Read the above texts for more info. U should still be able to see them. Anyway, then Loki got me, Fury, and Stark to bid on his "most humiliating idea"...

Black Widow #2: Who won? 

Nat: We're not done yet. No one's given in. Can u not interrupt me? Anyway, Cap and Bucky decided to place bets on the auction, and then Quake stole the auction idea but offered admin privileges for this chat. U get all of that?

Black Widow #2: Yep. So, Quake... is $2750 enough to win the auction?

Skyenet: Almost certainly not, but it is the highest bid so far...