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11 blocks from my door to your doorstep
Three years later and it feels too close
I thought I broke the last of that breakdown
The morning I sold your winter coat
You look around at the tables of stuff set out on the lawn. All of HIS stuff. You run your fingers over the puffy winter jacket and hesitate. The summer air is just turning to fall and you can feel the crisp edge on the breeze that blows; maybe nobody would be interested in it this early in the season. You are torn between letting it go and holding onto it. Before you can pull the coat out of the for sale items a family pulls up in a white hatchback.
The kids run around in the yard, picking up one of the old volleyballs and tossing it around amongst themselves. You smile softly at the sight, your heart warming just a touch. You give them a good deal on the prices and they end up taking many of the things you had laid out. As you toss the black and grey coat into an old grocery bag you feel some connection to the past snapping, as if the line had been drawn too taut.
The memories drive away in the car along with the laughter of children as they wave out the window. You take a deep breath, three years later and you finally feel a little bit lighter after what happened between the two of you. Some of the words you both said were not so easy to forget when he was always so close at hand, just a 20 minute walk away. But maybe, just maybe now you could finally let go.
You wonder if it should have been a more difficult decision or if you will regret it tomorrow but there is nothing you can do about it now.
As another month goes by it becomes a little easier to breathe each day that his stuff isn't taking up space in your house.
Taking advantage of the nice weather, you decide that a fun little adventure downtown might be just what you need to break up the mundane routine of everyday life. A quick car ride later and you find a place to park without much hassle.
You walk down the street, hands tucked into your pockets and a scarf wrapped around your neck, the air is cooler now by the river and you turn your face into the breeze enjoying the way it clears your mind.
In the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, it’s easy to forget the streets you used to walk together hand in hand.
You are comfortable here in the downtown city by the water. The evening sun is warm in contrast to the wind and the large glass windows of the shops beckon you in.
A quaint little bookshop is your chosen destination and as you browse through the racks your mind wanders over all the possibilities and worlds that lie between the covers on the shelves. If you pick up a new-to-you copy of an old favorite, well, nobody really needs to know.
You bid the clerk goodbye and head back out into the crisp evening air. Wafting on the breeze is the smell of fresh ground coffee beans and your mouth waters. You don't typically drink coffee so late in the day, but one cup won't hurt.
It doesn't feel right when I'm grabbing a coffee
The same old spot, but I'm on my own
I feel okay in the day, but at nighttime
You know how I get when I'm alone
Smiling, you step through the door to the nearest cafe and close your eyes for just a moment. You take a deep breath and the smell that had wafted outside now invades your senses. It is such a pleasant feeling.
You open your eyes and frown at your surroundings. You didn’t realize which cafe this was, and looking around at the small whimsical coffee shop with white painted walls you see memories in every corner. Laughing in the back booth, playing games in the window seats, admiring the Edison bulbs strung on the patio.
A flash of yellow catches your eye and you turn to see a tall blonde man leaving out the opposite door. You only see his back as he exits the cafe, but regardless, your body freezes up.
Was that him? Did he leave because he saw you? Was it just a coincidence? What are the chances that the one day you chose to walk into this coffee shop is the same day that he does? All these questions run a marathon in your mind and you are pulled from your spiraling thoughts by the sound of someone clearing their throat behind you.
You shake your head trying to ignore the pang of loneliness as you move away from the entrance and approach the counter. You thought you had let go of all those feelings already but seeing him so close they all come rushing back.
“Hi there! Welcome to Harbor Town Cafe, what can we get started for you today?” The barista at the register greets you warmly.
Unblinking, you stare at the menu for a minute not really seeing the words. “Umm, I'm sorry, never mind,” you tell the lady as you step out of line, not really in the mood for coffee anymore.
The tinkling of the bell on the door as you exit just makes it worse, the sound too joyful in contrast with the frown on your face and the sudden ache in your heart. The wind isn't calming anymore, instead, it feels too brisk and harsh; you sigh before turning and heading back towards your car.
Cause my mind won't stop, it's just 11 blocks
I know that you're home
'Cause it's Friday night, you're not that type
I know that you're home
The sun sets quickly and the night chill rolls in from the river as you make your way home, counting the blocks as you go. It's Friday, and most people would be out with friends, but you know he's not that person. He would rather stay at home reading a good book or listening to music. Something the two of you always had in common.
You pass by his house and see a light on in the bay window. Something in your heart screams at you to stop and talk to him, but your head knows better than that. Things didn't end on good terms when he stormed out of the house that day and didn't look back.
You shake your head, willing the memories away, and continue the trek home alone.
Before you make it all the way back to your driveway, your phone dings in your pocket. You dig it out and a message from your exuberant friend lights up the screen.
“Hey, Short Stuff! You should come hang out tonight! I've got a couple other people coming over.”
You shake your head and move to put your phone away, closing the messaging app. Another ding chimes from your phone.
“Oh come on Y/N! Don’t ignore me, I know you saw my message! You have read receipts on,” reads the notification, followed by two more blips in your home screen.
“I know you aren’t doing anything either, so don’t even lie about it.”
“Please!! Please! Please!”
You roll your eyes but smile at Bokuto’s dramatic personality. He has a heart of gold and will take any opportunity to pull you out of your little shell and get you socializing. Knowing he won't drop the subject until you respond(and not having the heart to make him sad today), you shoot him back a quick message and turn the car around.
14 blocks from your door to this party
I caught myself counting on the way
And right when I stepped in the door to the party
I stepped outside to grab a smoke
Turns out what Bokuto meant by “a couple other people” was really most of the old volleyball crowd.
You park down the street from the house, a few cars already sprinkling the block. You make your way up to the door, taking a deep breath before you head inside. Bokuto and Kuroo’s boisterous laughter greets you as you open the door, and you smile through your discomfort. You never really liked being this close to that many people.
After doing a quick round of greetings, you scurry to the kitchen under the guise of getting something to drink and step outside into the cold night air. As you close the back door, you see there is already someone else out on the back porch, someone vaguely familiar but honestly you don't hang out with the old crowd enough to remember his name. You nod at him to be polite, but make no move to socialize.
"Too many people?" He asks, not picking up on your solitary vibes.
You nod again. "Yeah you could say that."
He smiles and scoots closer, leaning on the railing beside you and offers a cigarette. You take him up on his offer, coughing on your first inhale and he chuckles. You shoot him a glare but the facetious smile on his face lifts your mood.
The two of you converse well into the night, drinks and words flowing easily. You can feel yourself loosening up and you end up hanging onto him as you both laugh over old stories. You somehow manage to avoid talking about your ex and everything is going pretty well until the party winds down and he says his goodbyes. Before you can talk yourself out of it you exchange phone numbers and plant an unintentionally sloppy kiss on his cheek. He smiles and bids you goodnight with the promise to text you tomorrow.
You know how I get when I'm alone, no
'Cause my mind won't stop, it's just 14 blocks
I know that you're home
'Cause it's Friday night, you're not that type
I know that you're home
Without another soul to keep your mind occupied, the thoughts of your ex creep right back in, the feelings of loneliness squeezing your heart. The drive home won’t be a long one, but despite knowing you are a little more drunk than you would like, you gather your jacket and your keys. You make a stop by where Bokuto is a little stoned on the couch and thank him for inviting you out. You wave to the other guys on the way out the door with another forced smile.
Someone stop me, please, from hurting myself
'Cause I'm two blocks away and you're hurting my health
And it's Friday night, you're not that type
I know that you're home
Being away from the crowd doesn't really clear your mind at all and before you can decide better of it you find yourself pulling into the driveway you have been avoiding. You’re angry with yourself for letting that jerk invade your thoughts, but more than that you’re here to prove that you don’t need him... At least that is what you mutter to yourself as you climb out of the car.
The liquid courage fuels your actions, where you would usually be hesitant you are now emboldened pounding obnoxiously loud on his front door.
The light inside comes on and he answers the door, blonde hair mussed from sleep.
“What the hell Y/N?? It’s 2am! What are you doing here?”
You push yourself past him into his entryway and spin on him pointing a finger at his chest. “I am just fine without you!”
“Oh yeah, I can see that.” He says with that sarcastic tone that grates on your nerves. That same cocky attitude that he somehow never grew out of.
He crosses his arms, eyes bright and ready for the confrontation.
“I am!” you insist, “But I don’t understand! I can’t get your stupid face out of my head!” as you step into his personal space, his smirk drops “Why the hell can’t I stop thinking about you?!”
"Oh, so you still think about me, then?" He goads, his lock on the cocky facade faltering as his eyes flicker down to your lips for just a second. He tries to step away but his retreat is blocked by the closed front door at his back. Seeing the ever superior Tsukishima Kei, lose hold of his cocksure attitude satisfies some of the anger inside you, the fire dying down to smoldering embers.
Somebody stop me
I should be going home
Somebody stop me
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Anger and passion go hand in hand and something in your inebriated mind crosses those wires. It rationalizes that maybe if you just get these feelings of longing and frustration out of your system you can finally push him away from your heart and mind for good.
Before you can question the logic behind the decision, you lean in a little closer and wrap your arms around his neck, crashing your lips into his.
Surprisingly, he doesn’t push you away. Instead, he brings you closer, hooking his fingers through your belt loops and pulling you in by the hips. It's not soft or delicate. It’s a battle for dominance as you try to push all of your frustration into the kiss.
Clothes come off as the two of you make your way up the stairs to his room. Pushing him down on his bed, you straddle his hips and when he tries to grab your waist to try to gain control of the situation like he always does, you smack his hands away. You hold them in your grip above his head, taking what you think you need.
~
You wake up the next morning to an empty bed and a throbbing headache as your phone buzzes on the nightstand. You grab it and squint against the light as you unlock it to see a couple messages from the party guy.
“Hey cute stuff, wanna grab some breakfast? I figured you might be down for some greasy food after all that drinking”
“Oh shit, sorry this is Terushima from last night at Bokuto’s get together.”
At least he sent his name. You groan and sit up before you remember where you are and the next groan comes for a completely different reason.
Looks like Kei had been kind enough to gather your clothes and dump them on the floor by your side of the bed. You pull on your pants, wincing as the motion jostles your head and you shoot a message back to Terushima.
“Uh yeah, sure. Did you have a place in mind?”
He sends you back an address and you make your way down the stairs trying to be quiet in order to avoid the awkward interaction that would surely come if you ran into Tsukki.
When you get down to the lower level of the house you realize that he doesn't seem to be home and you breathe a sigh of relief as you let yourself out the door. You lock the door behind you with the extra key that was still hiding under the dying succulents on the window ledge, and pray nobody sees your walk of shame.
You find the diner easily, more than a little embarrassed to still be in last night's clothes but you offer him a sheepish smile and offer your hangover as an explanation. You’re glad when you realize that he’s just as cute in the daylight as he had been the night before.
Well, I met someone
And I think I'm in love
The conversation flows easily, even without the drinks and the guilt over last night's actions slowly fades away taking a backseat to the man in front of you.
You don't remember him being so cool back in highschool, but you aren't really one to judge someone for their past as long as who they are in the present isn't a huge asshole.
This morning it's breakfast, a week later it’s dinner and a movie. The relationship between the two of you blooms easily as you spend your days together.
Days turn into months and you swear that you're in love. Or at least, you should be.
When he tells you that he loves you, you smile and say it right back. It’s easy. It’s exactly what a relationship is meant to be, but something is missing
But my mind won't stop, it's just 11 blocks
I know that you're home
'Cause it's Friday night, you're not that type
I know that you're home
Sometimes when you find yourself alone, your mind wanders to the blonde, and you find yourself craving him. Longing for his touch and his stupid sarcastic smirk. And if you decide to send him a text one day, well that is your own business. And if texting turns into meeting up, then maybe you keep that bit of information from your boyfriend.
You know you shouldn’t want to be around him; he’s a jerk, he broke your heart, but three and a half years later you still find yourself walking to his house. You aren't surprised to see the light on in the upstairs window, because you know him. You have always known him, even better than you know yourself.
And I met someone and I swear I'm in love
But I'm two blocks away and you're just like a drug
My mind won't stop, it's just 11 blocks
I know that you're home
This obsession isn’t healthy and you know it. You try to keep yourself away, but you still end up knocking on the door. He answers with a knowing smile and opens the door wide for you just like he does every Friday. You hate yourself for it, you know it’s wrong but it doesn't stop you today, and it won't stop you next week either.
It certainly doesn’t stop you when the visits start feeling more like dates instead of just sex.
I got somebody
Waiting for me at home
I got somebody
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The feelings start to overflow from where you have them locked away, frustration seeping into your relationship. As hard as you try to ignore them, they still nag at you everytime you walk or drive by the house with the light in the window. You try to fight the pull that house has on you. The pull that HE still has on you. But the guilt eventually drags you down. Each spoken “I love you” weighs like lead on your tongue and your heart.
Before winter fades and the fresh blooms poke through the melting snow, you bid farewell to Terushima. No matter how good the relationship before you is, you can’t let go of the blonde from your past who broke your heart and you know it’s not fair to either of you to keep going as you are.
He kisses you softly on the cheek and walks out the door, the same door that the blonde slammed so many years ago, but this time when it closes, it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t tear you open or leave your soul feeling bare like it did before.
It shouldn’t be such an easy choice for you, but as soon as he is gone you don't even think twice about it as you take off. The sun hangs low in the sky, but you tell yourself that you know Tsukki better than anyone. He’ll be home. He always is.
You take the backway to his house, excitement building. You are going to knock on the door with pride this time. You're going to talk to him and say all of the things that have been building up inside since the day you saw the back of his head in the coffee shop.
But excitement turns into fear, your anxiety whispering that he won't feel the same. That these last few months had been purely physical for him. You are terrified but you don't stop walking.
As you approach his house the first thing you see is it shrouded in darkness. All the windows are still and lifeless. No light shining from behind the glass; you shake your head, not wanting to acknowledge what is right in front you.
You know him, he doesn’t go out on Fridays. He never does… He’s not that type of person… You approach the door and knock anyway. Just once, and nothing happens. There is no stirring, no lights flicker on. You knock again and the desperation starts to seep in.
Still nothing happens and your heart sinks. You turn away, trudging down the sidewalk feeling defeated and ashamed of yourself. You ruined a perfectly good relationship for uncertainty. You glance up at the windows like they have betrayed you. Like it is their fault that the lights weren’t shining through on this one night.
One last look back before you turn to make your way home, your eyes cast down to the ground. Not watching where you are going, you slam into something solid. Pale hands reach out to steady you before you lose your footing and when you look up, you meet honey colored eyes.
Relief floods through you but all you can do is give a tremulous smile and say, “Hi.”
“You know, you should probably watch where you are going,” He pokes at you, but you can hear something akin to relief in his voice. “You wanna come inside?” he asks a little sheepishly. This is not how you usually see him, nervous and hesitant. For a moment you are stunned into silence before you nod.
Once you are both through the door he pulls you into a tight embrace. He has never really been the most affectionate person so when he is, you know he means it, and you squeeze him right back.
“You weren’t at home,” he explains softly and once again you are stunned as you register the meaning of his words.
A relationship with Tsukishima Kei is a bit like a roller coaster. The high parts are perfect and amazing but the low parts hurt you both, despite how unbothered he tries to appear. No matter how many lows you hit, you will always get back on the ride just to experience the highs one more time.
11 blocks from my door to your doorstep
Three years later and it feels too close