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Chapter Text

Alec stood silently in front of his parents scolding glares, focusing his vision on a cracked tile on the cold, grey wall. He forced his body to stay still, back straight and legs aligned in a regular soldier position.

The silent brothers were communicating telepathically, and the wait was making Alec’s heart thrum with anxiety. At last, they spoke.

“Alexander Lightwood, your punishment has been decided.” Alec gulped.

Alec had only turned 17 recently, and so far he had done his best to stick to the rules. He knew that his parents would be furious if he were to do anything wrong, they made sure he always remembered that he was going to be a future leader. He had standards that he needed to keep up.

To him, it seemed like he could never meet those standards, no matter how hard he tried. Even if he did everything exactly right, he would get punished for another thing that he should have known he needed to do, even if they didn’t say it directly.

For the most part, as long as it went under the radar, his parents would take punishment into their own hands. He knew he ought to be grateful, there were far worse things that could happen to him.

As for what he was being punished for today, Alec wasn’t entirely sure. He thought it might be that he had hesitated for a moment on a mission, after all that was a surefire way to get someone killed. Then again, perhaps it was that he didn’t make sure Jace had cleaned his room properly for inspection, and they had found mundane items that no shadowhunter should ever have.

If he was fortunate, they might actually tell him.

“We have taken into consideration your position, and we have decided that you shall spend some time in the whitespace. Alec shuddered slightly, but remained tight lipped.

The whitespace was considered a minor punishment, surely it was in comparison to prison or deruning. The whitespace referred to several rooms that had been designed for sensory deprivation, where every surface was the same cold, white, smooth ceramic. The lights were placed at the top of the room, so that no shadows could be cast anywhere.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the guards were completely silent, and the prisoner would be forbidden from making any noise themselves. All the meals were unseasoned white rice served on a white paper plate.

Alec felt sick. He had been in the whitespace several times, more than anyone else he knew. It was infrequent that he would know why he was put in there, but he always wished they would just beat him instead.

Jace and Izzy had never had to go there. In fact Alec suspected he was the only one in the family who ever got that punishment. The last time he was there his head had throbbed so hard Alec had been afraid he was going to die.

An extra bonus was that the rooms were encased in some warlock’s magic, all runes were nullified, even those of parabatai.

Despite his fears, Alec only nodded obediently. He knew better than to try and speak, it would only make the punishment worse. As far as he was aware, the longest anyone had been punished with the whitespace was 6 months. Apparently they had never recovered.

Alec shook the thoughts of that poor soul away. Whatever he had done, he was sure it wouldn’t warrant that much time. Normally he was only there for two weeks or so.

Alec pulled in a slow breath, exhaling steadily. He could manage this, he was a Lightwood after all. With a final nod to his parents, he followed the silent brothers to his punishment.

--- --- --- --- ---

By the time he got to his new room, nobody had said a word. He stepped it quietly, and the door was closed behind him. They didn’t need to explain anything to him, he had been here enough times.

The room was roughly 3x3x3 meters, brightly lit as it would be for the entirety of his time there. There wasn’t a single item in the room, not even a mattress. An eerie silence filled the room, the cold walls were completely soundproof.

Alec made his way over to a corner, adjusting the sleeves of his all white clothing. As he pushed his back against the wall, he tried to think about the future.

Izzy, Max, and Jace’s faces flashed in his mind, and felt the corners of his mouth curve into a smile. Out of all the people he had ever known, they were the only ones he felt like he could truly trust.

Perhaps that was unfair. He had seen how his parent’s treated Jace, with a warmth and affection that they had never regarded Alec or Izzy with. If he were a better son he might someday get that too.

Alec didn’t know how long he was there for before a hatch lifted at the base of the door, and a single white plate and cup were pushed inside. On the plate was a small pile of unseasoned rice, and the cup contained some water. It would be too much to hope for cutlery.

Alec took his time eating, trying to focus on the meak flavour. It wasn’t much, but it was something to separate the monotony of the time there.

Alec had learned ways to cope with being in here. Those that he didn’t figure out for himself were explained to him by some of the others who had been put in here. Hodge had been his guardian angel after last time.

“Try counting down from 1000 in 7’s.” The older man had suggested, and as Alec put it into practice he found it did help slightly.

Eventually, Alec got back into the routine of the whitespace. The mealtimes were somewhat regular, and he had to push the clean plate back under the door whenever he needed to go to the bathroom. The shadowhunter did his best to keep to a routine of sorts, trying to keep two meals between sleeping, spending the rest of the time pacing around the room.

Whenever he was still, he thought about his family, trying to recall every detail about them he could manage. He would wrap his arms as tightly around himself as he could when he thought of them, trying to mimic the sensation of Izzy giving one of her hugs.

Time began to merge into itself. It became harder and harder to try and remember how many times he had eaten in the day, so he started to sleep when he was tired and think when he was awake.

The feeling of loneliness was steadily increasing. The guards didn’t help in the slightest, their shoes were padded and they never breathed a word when he made the short trip to the bathroom.

It hit a point where Alec decided that he had to make some kind of noise, just to be able to hear something. The electrical shock that ran through his entire body was sharp and agonising, and he didn’t try again after that.

More time passed. It felt like he had been there for longer than normal, but Alec vaguely recalled that it often did. He could feel the lining of his ribs now through the clothes, but he didn’t feel overly hungry.

Once Alec tried to touch one of the guards on the way to the bathroom, and the same electric shock meant he never got the chance to make contact. When he woke up on the floor he had urinated himself, and was silently forced into a change of clothes. It was something different at least.

Even more time passed, and still nothing changed. On occasion, Alec thought he might have heard something, a slight scurrying from just beyond the walls, but nothing ever came from it.

More and more time dragged by.

The rice was soft between his fingers, breaking apart under the minimal pressure from his now skinny fingers. Alec felt nauseous at the idea of trying to choke it down, so he left the plate where it was. He wondered whether he would get into trouble for that, but the guards just came in when he slept and wordlessly removed it.

The longer he was there, the more Alec felt like his life before now had actually all been a dream. It all seemed pleasant and wonderful. In his dreams now the whiteness closed in around him.

Eventually it reached a point where the feelings became too much and Alec would scream, always promptly stopped by a painful shock. He was always left panting after.

Touching any part of his body felt strange now. His ribs felt stark against the rest of him, and his hip bones jutted out under his clothing. He went as long as he could without eating the rice, just to feel something different, but eventually he caved in to the hunger.

One day, Alec finally hit a breaking point. His body felt twisted with emotions he couldn’t name, and he could barely move. Whoever had put him here had forgotten about him, he was going to die in this stupid whiteness. His ears were filled with the sound of buzzing with no source.

When he tried to picture his sister's face, he couldn't find the right features.

Alec couldn’t remember exactly what happened next, just the feeling of the skin on his wrists tearing and the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. It was something different so he kept going.

Red splatters dotted the ground, and Alec was struck by it. He couldn’t make sense of it, too trapped inside his own head. He felt overwhelmed by the whole thing. His mouth was filled with the taste of copper, and he gagged at the different sensation.

The doors burst open just as he started to lose consciousness, and Alec tried to remember what he was doing. Black spots dotted his vision, and with little to tell him otherwise Alec decided to sleep.

--- --- --- --- ---

A long time had passed since then. Alec vaguely remembered waking up in a pale room with his wrists bandaged and people talking nervously around him. Other than that it was all pretty confusing, like his head was filled with fog.

Four months was his best estimate for how long he was there, based on the dates he had overheard whilst he was recovering. It had taken even longer to become “normal” again, Alec had needed weeks of reintroduction to different colours and despite years having passed he still felt overwhelmed at points.

Every now and then, the buzzing came back, and glimpses of white pricked at the corners of his vision.

Jace and Izzy had known that something was very wrong, but Alec could never bring himself to talk about it. Then again, he hadn't talked about anything at all.

At first they had worried that Alec had injured himself somehow, bitten through his tongue or something. Pretty soon they realised that he was able to talk, he just wouldn’t. Alec always felt like he couldn’t anymore.

It didn’t matter how much time they spent berating him, saying that he could have been in a much worse situation and just needed to man up, he didn’t speak.

Even Jace and Izzy couldn’t get him to breathe a word, he instead just listened. He listened to everything now, hypervigilant for any rule breaking that could put him back in that place. Once everyone had accepted that he was never going to talk to them, they picked up on certain gestures and movements.

Nobody broke a rule around him after that.

Until Clary came.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec didn’t know what to make of the young girl in front of him. The institute was filled with whispers.

“Raised like a mundane but she’s a shadowhunter?”

“What an unusual girl, she’ll die within a week I tell you.”

The girl, as they put it, had warm brown eyes and long, pretty ginger hair. Ginger had become one of Alec’s favourite colours after he came out, nobody he knew had ginger hair. Clary met his eyes but didn’t leave Jace’s side. She looked terrified, but had enough curiosity to keep her there.

she had a familiar determination about her, Alec used to have that. If she stuck to the rules, what a shadowhunter she would make. That is, if she was allowed to stay.

Alec hoped that she wouldn’t break any rules, but he was doubtful. She didn’t know anything about this world, and that meant she had no place in it, not if she wanted to stay sane. Alec didn’t want to have to report her, he didn’t want to report anyone, but he couldn’t go back to that place.

He would do anything to never have to go back there.

To their credit, despite Alec having changed, Izzy and Jace had never left him. Alec could feel Jace’s emotions through their bond, and did his best to assure his brother that he was fine, that they were better off not asking. Izzy accepted this new him, but he caught her glancing at the scars on his arms a few times.

He wore long sleeves now, unless he had no choice. Izzy would likely be the next leader, Alec was no better than a mute guard dog as he was, he could never give orders. His parents probably didn’t mind that, they had always talked about getting a pet.

“Clary, this is Alec Lightwood, my brother and parabatai.” Jace’s voice held a note of pride, and Alec would have felt warm were he not so worried. He regarded Clary for a few moments, wondering how she would react.

“Hi, nice to meet you.” She offered out a hand. Alec only stared blankly at it, he knew what he needed to do but the idea of touching this person who would likely come to hate him was unbearable. Slowly she lowered it, looking to Jace anxiously.

“Alec doesn’t really speak, he’s a bit of a grouch but don’t worry, he’s all bark and no bite.” Jace joked weakly, eying his brother with concern. Clary seemed to accept this, looking at Alec once more before Jace continued with his tour.

He watched them as they went, noting that Jace seemed very interested in this girl, perhaps a little too interested. Buzzing started to edge his hearing, and Alec went back to training.

--- --- --- --- ---

When Jace suggested that they go on a mission, an unsanctioned one at that, Alec thought he might burst into flame.

“Alec please! It’s her mother, we need to act fast otherwise who knows what Valentine will be able to do.” He could feel Jace’s desperation slipping through their bond, but he pushed it down, shaking his head vigorously.

“If we have to go through the clave it could take too long.” Alec stood firm, staring at his adopted brother with pleading eyes. He had to understand, surely he knew that nothing was worth disobedience.

For a moment he thought that Jace was going to ignore him, when the blond man looked into the eyes of Clary. Alec could see the tears in her eyes, and felt a spark of irritation. He was sympathetic to her cause, truly he was, but breaking the rules would only make things worse.

He might not like this girl who had come in and stolen one of the only people who viewed Alec as a human, but he wouldn’t wish the punishment on anyone.

Clary had been surprisingly sympathetic, all things considered, but he noticed how she avoided him. She was always tense when he was in the room, and he wondered whether his reputation preceded him or if she just didn’t know how to act around him.

Certainly it had been bad enough when she brought the mundane here. Alec had stood back, trembling slightly, as he watched every reaction of the institute. He could barely hear what was being said over the buzzing, even as Izzy assured him that it wasn't a big deal. The mundane wasn't a part of this world, and that meant something bad would happen.

At last Jace looked back.

“Alright, I’ll go talk to Lydia.” Alec felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and his legs felt weak with relief. Clary cried out in despair, but Alec pushed away any sympathy. He was doing the best thing for all of them.

--- --- --- --- ---

When the mission was cleared, it had been several hours. Alec waited patiently for the verdict, avoiding eye contact with the girl. Jace had spent the entire time with Clary, and Alec was cautious to not let his jealousy slip through their bond.

To his surprise, Alec was allowed to join the mission. When he found out that they were meant to be going to a nightclub run by a downworlder of all places, he expected the clave to be too ashamed of their pet to let him go.

Alec got all his gear together, huffing with silent amusement as Izzy picked out his outfit.

“You can't go wearing that!” She exclaimed, eyes glittering. Alec didn’t remind her that they would ideally be seen by nobody other than this ‘Magnus’ guy, too caught up in her excitement to care.

Obediently he put the navy shirt on and took his time making sure his hair wouldn't accidentally get into his eyes if he had to fight. Ok perhaps he was a little nervous, but he was determined not to show it.

Once they were on the move, Alec felt better. Night was a good time for him, the colours were less garish and it was quieter, more peaceful. A cool breeze passed across his skin, leaving him with goosebumps, and Alec felt a surge of excitement.

When he saw Clary, wrapped up in Jace’s arms, the feeling went away. Even Izzy seemed more intrigued by the girl now, and Alec did his best not to feel rejected and alone. The cold feeling of loneliness had never fully released its grip after the punishment.

Inside it was busy, and Alec took a moment to adjust to the powerful scents and noises. He shook his head irritably, trying to ignore the loud thumping music. They needed to be alert.

It was a good decision to stick to, it seemed, as the girl soon got into trouble. Alec bit back a silent groan of frustration, he had hoped for a peaceful mission. Fortunately, none of the downworlders caused too much trouble, and Alec soon dispatched enough to feel that Jace’s new girlfriend was safe.

When he caught up to the group, he barely got his bow and quiver up in time to shoot the downworlder that came at them. He retrieved his arrow with ease from the heavy body. He took great pride in his bow and arrows, they were the one item of his that he truly felt connected with, the indented wood grounding in his palms.

When he turned back, he was taken in by the man before him. He didn’t know whether man could even be applied to this… to this angel before him.

Alec had always known that he didn’t see women the way other guys in the institute did, and he had been appalled when he realised that he did see men that way. It was wrong and he dreaded the punishment he would get if anyone were to ever find out, so he made sure nobody ever would.

What he felt was his, nobody else was allowed into that part of him. Sure, he would give Jace a glimpse of it every now and then, but the deepest, most precious emotions he had were pushed down. He had felt guilty at first, but it was best for all of them.

The man stared at Alec with a look Alec couldn’t name. Alec expected to feel cold under the intense gaze, and was pleasantly surprised to see the man only mirrored his intrigue.

With a single flourish, Magnus opened a portal, gesturing for the others to follow. Alec almost followed the others blindly before he realised he didn’t know where the portal would take him, and he paused, staring hopefully at the warlock. Margus didn’t say a word, instead reaching out a hand. Alec, despite himself, took it.

--- --- --- --- ---

When they came out the other side, Alec realised they must be in Magnus’ apartment. It was beautiful, not a speck of white anywhere. Distantly, Alec could see the new york landscape through the glass balcony doors.

Alec, when he got back to his room, had redecorated. The white walls that used to keep him safe at night were now cold and unwelcoming, and his parents had been gracious enough to let him cover them with a solid blue paint.

This place had none of the coldness of the institute, instead feeling warm and welcoming. Alec was vaguely aware of a person approaching him, but he didn’t expect the hand on his shoulder.

He jumped, dodging out of the way. Then he lay his eyes on Magnus. The man looked apologetic.

“My apologies nephilim, I didn't mean to frighten you. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, call me Magnus.” Magnus offered a hand, and this time Alec found he could shake it.

Magnus was looking at him expectantly, and Alec realised he was supposed to introduce himself. He panicked for a minute, unsure how to get the truth across to the warlock.

“I hope you like my home, I recently redecorated, do you have any thoughts?” Alec shoved his shivering hands into his pocket, doing his best to nod enthusiastically. The man’s eyes flashed gold for a heartbeat, so fast Alec wondered if he imagined it.

“Ah, I see. Once again, my sincerest apologies. Forgive me if i'm wrong but are you unable to speak?” His tone was soft and non-judgemental. Alec nodded, relieved that the stunning man had realised so quickly, rather than mistaking his silence for rudeness.

Magnus glowed with curiosity for a moment before he continued. “Do you know sign language?” Alec looked down, embarrassed. For shadowhunters, there was no such thing as sign language. They used gestures, but a deaf shadowhunter? Just a liability, they were sent away before word could get out about such a weakness.

“Not to worry my dear,” Alec blushed, “if you need anything, just tap my arm and we can work it out from there, please make yourself at home. You can sit anywhere if you need to, I recommend that sofa there before someone else steals it. Delightfully comfortable, it actually belonged to Edgar Allen Poe, who was excellent in bed I’ll have you know.” The warlock gave a coy wink, and Alec blushed more.

Magnus Bane was different from how his parents had described him. This man wasn’t arrogant or cold-hearted at all. Alec found himself hanging on every word, caught up in each elegant movement and flicker of magic.

When the time came for them to leave, Alec felt oddly sad. It felt like barely a moment had passed since they met this god on earth, and Alec wished he could stay longer. Then he thought of what could happen if he was late, and he froze.

What if they realised that he wanted to spend time with a warlock? His ears buzzed and his vision faded to white, and Alec suddenly felt they needed to get home very urgently. Everyone seemed to pick up on his anxiety, and Jace gave him a look as they said a brief thank you and headed for the door.

On the way out, a wrist wrapped around Alec’s, gentle and warm, nothing like the usual bruising yank of his parents. Alec met Magnus’ beautiful brown eyes, and his heart skipped a beat.

“It’s been a pleasure meeting you Alec. If you have the chance, I would love to see you again.” His voice was as smooth as a snake, and Alec felt butterflies in his chest. Then, Magnus was gone. Alec gave a final, longing glance at the door, and followed the others.

Chapter Text

“Come on, you’re my brother, do it for me!” Alec shifted uncomfortably, glaring at Jace despairingly. His brother had approached him that morning asking Alec to help Clary with some basic training and Alec would rather cut off his own hands.

Over the last few days, Clary had put him on edge. Not only had she come through the institute like a tornado, ripping up the very roots of everything Alec had worked so hard to maintain, she seemed to think that no rule applied to her.

Alec had watched her apprehensively when she argued with Jace, insisting that her mother was more important than any clave rule. His skin prickled as Jace started to drift away from him, as though Alec were losing a part of himself.

Didn’t she see what could happen? The rules were there to keep them safe, even if they were unfair. Alec felt bile rise in his throat as loneliness tugged at his heart, images of Jace being punished in that hellhole in her stead.

The night before, Maryse had warned him that the silent brothers were wary of this new girl, and Alec knew he couldn’t let her lead them astray. He couldn’t go through that again, and he would die before he let Jace or Izzy suffer as he did. Alec didn’t have any ill-will against Clary, in fact he did feel pity for her situation, but he was an older brother before anything else.

Jace laid the puppy dog eyes on, and Alec felt his resolve weaken. Perhaps if he showed Clary a little more of their life she might start to understand, she might realise that he was trying to protect her. Finally he nodded, and Jace broke into a grin.

“Thank you Alec, I knew I could count on you.” Alec watched his parabatai leave to let Clary know, and the slight skip in his step didn’t escape the shadowhunter. Jace had always been quick to flirt with girls, but at the end of the day Alec had always meant more. He had always come back to his parabatai.

This though… this was different. This was more than just a crush. Alec wanted to be happy for his brother but could only feel the void of rejection, and his chest started to ache. Clary could have anyone in the institute, anyone in the world probably, why did she have to take him?

The room started to buzz, and Alec made his way to the training deck. After he had recovered he spent the better part of his days here, training until his fingers were raw and bleeding. It was the perfect place to keep an eye on everyone, the best place to catch any bad intentions.

Alec burned every time he had to turn someone in to his parents, but over time the pain had eased. It was better to nip trouble in the bud, before it got people killed, or worse put them before the silent brothers.

For a moment his eyes fixated on the blue of the angel blade he brushed against. It was a similar colour to Magnus’ magic. It wasn’t the first time since they had left that Alec found himself thinking of the warlock, and in a rare act of indulgence Alec allowed his imagination to drift.

Beautiful, brilliant Magnus, with eyes the colour of the setting sun as it painted the horizon. Soft, elegant fingers dancing as he cast a spell, leaving trails of glittering blue, the slight wrinkle in the corner of his eye when he smiled at Alec. For the first time in as long as Alec had been silent, someone had accepted him.

“So< are we ready to go.” Clary’s voice broke through the clouds of his thoughts, and Alec bit back a rush of irritation. He refused to let it show on his face, keeping a well practiced neutral expression. He needed to focus anyway, no point living in a dream.

Clary looked nervous, more so than normal. Once she had settled into the institute a little more she had visibly relaxed, carrying less tension and laughing more. Alec suspected it was because of him.

She wasn’t the first person to be unsure of how to act around him, and she probably wouldn’t be the last. Not everyone was as accepting as Magnus. Alec didn’t care to ease her tension, it would make her a better fighter.

Alec passed her one of the training batons, watching to see how she would react to it. She looked to him for a moment, expecting guidance, but when she realised she wouldn’t get any she just sighed and looked over the weapon.

Clary ran her hands over the smooth wood, before she seemed to work out the balance of it, and adjusted it in her hands. It gave Alec hope that she did seem to have some instinct with it, Max was better but Alec reminded himself Clary had never been trained. For a first go, not too bad.

Alec nodded approvingly when she looked back to him, and her eyes lit up for a second. He took one of the batons himself, setting his feet apart to balance himself, glad to see Clary mimic the movement. He gave her a nod.

“Wait so do I just… go for it?” Alec nodded, bracing himself again. If he was going to train her he needed to get a better look at what he was working with, strengths he could work on. Clary looked hesitant, before she finally took a step forward and tapped Alec’s baton lightly.

Oh boy, they had a long way to go. Alec straightened his back again, shaking his head. Were this a normal training session with Izzy, for such a weak move he would have knocked her legs out from underneath her, but he needed to be patient. Izzy could hold her own, Clary was more… child-like.

He gave a beckoning motion, telling her to try again. She grimaced, but was a little firmer this time, and Alec remained still this time. When she tried again, he actually felt the contact through the wood. This time he nodded encouragingly.

Next, he started moving more animatedly, and Clary seemed to click that he wanted to have a bit more action. Her posture would need work, but that could wait. When she went for him this time, he blocked her with ease and returned with a firm tap to the thigh.

“Ow! Some warning would have been nice!” She yelped, and Alec rolled his eyes. Did she think everyone she fought would be giving her warning? He gestured to her eyes. Clary would look at where she was aiming for seconds before she acted, that needed to be stopped immediately.

“My eyes? What about them?” Alec mimicked her attack strike. “Oh, I’m looking too soon?” Alec felt hope rise in his chest. She was clever and a quick learner, he could make a shadowhunter out of her yet.

When she attacked again, she was much better, almost getting a hit off before Alec could block her. If he wasn’t so well trained she could have gotten a good blow in. then he thought for a moment.

Clary was talented, but she was too in touch with her mundane weakness, he could tell that she didn’t actually want to hit him. He gestured for her to try again and this time didn’t move.

Brown eyes flashed with concern as she realised he was still, and she slowed her blow. He barely even felt the contact when it hit him, and he gave her a look.

“Why didn’t you protect yourself? I could have hurt you!” Alec very much doubted that, his parents hit him harder. He gave her a meaningful look. Clary glared back.

“I’m not like you! I haven't been doing this for years, I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose before now.” The intensity was back, and Alec observed her for a moment. He drew his hand across his neck in a slicing motion, and her eyes dropped.

“You think I’m going to get myself killed.” Alec shrugged. Certainly she wouldn’t do well if she was in an actual fight and couldn’t hit her opponent. A new idea arose in the back of his mind.

In a flash, Alec swung the baton, and when she did an admittedly quite impressive dodge, he kicked the back of her knees. With a loud thump she smacked against the ground, groaning slightly.

“Hey!” She cried indignantly, and Alec met her eyes, offering a hand to help her up. He pulled her upright and got into position again. This time, she looked slightly more angry, and Alec smirked. Finally.

This time she didn’t hold back.

After an hour of this, Clary was panting but she looked pleased with herself. Alec actually had the beginnings of a bruise developing on his arm, and he felt oddly proud. She had a long way to go, but she had improved a lot.

By now Jace was back from his hunt, and Clary gave him a final glance.

“Thank’s Alec.” Surprised, Alec could only blink back, before she hurried over to his parabatai. Nobody had thanked him before.

--- --- --- --- ---

Pretty soon Alec was wondering whether he had a sign on him somewhere that told Jace he was a babysitter. He barely had a chance to brood angrily before he had to keep an eye on Clary again, and any allegiance they had made was gone in an instant.

Alec had been helping her with her stance when his phone rang, an unknown number. Hesitantly he answered, heart thumping painfully in his chest. Nobody would bother calling him normally.

“Alexander! I’m glad you picked up!” Magnus. Alec’s heart skipped a beat, and he felt his face heat up, gasping slightly at the soft voice. “Now I know this probably isn’t the easiest method, but I had to check I had the right number. I’ll text next time if that's easier.”

Smooth as a snake, Alec noted. The warlock didn’t skip a beat, he sounded so confident that Alec was sure even if he could speak he would be lost for words.

“I never got an answer on that whole drink situation, perhaps you would like to come by later? You know where I am. I’m sure you are very busy, just let me know.” With a click the call ended, and Alec was frozen.

Magnus, the high warlock of Brooklyn wanted to meet up with him? Alec was a terrible shadowhunter, he barely held any position within the institute anymore. He felt slightly wary, and strangely disappointed.

It must be for some kind of business thing. Alec wondered whether he would actually go. There was nothing in the law saying he couldn’t, or that he would need to tell anyone, so perhaps he would go for just a moment. After all, if it was for business he should hear him out.

Alec’s head went light with nervous excitement, but he pushed it down. He was a professional, he was doing this for the institute, not pleasure. His parents would be glad to know that Magnus might have branched out.

He would let them know when he got back, nobody would miss him. No point wasting their time if it turned out to be nothing, Alec justified. Still, he felt lighter than he had in a long time.

When he turned back around, expecting Clary to attack him with questions, he blanched when he realised she was gone. Alec wracked his brain, perhaps she had just gone to the bathroom or something. A deeper part of him knew that wasn’t true.

Typical, he should have known better. He had to find her before someone noticed she was missing, or worse before she got herself killed. Alec’s vision faded to white, and he inhaled deeply. Don’t think about what the clave will do when they find out you lost Valentine’s daughter.

Silently, he slipped out of the institute and thought about everything he had heard her say. At least she didn’t talk as much as her mundane friend, Alec considered himself a good listener but even he had just blocked the man's voice out.

At last it clicked, she must have gone back to her mothers flat. Alec winced in frustration. Why did he ever think she would have listened to anything but her emotions, with a final sigh, he broke into a run, activating a tracking rune.

--- --- --- --- ---

When he found her, he was relieved that she was sensible enough to activate her runes. The relief vanished almost immediately as he heard her phone ring. She fumbled for her phone, gasping with shock when she accidentally elbowed Alec and realised she had been found.

Alec glared at her, and she at least had the decency to look guilty.

“I’m sorry Alec, I know I shouldn’t have run off like that but I think I know where the cup is.” Alec raised an eyebrow. If she got put into the whitespace then she would have plenty of time to think about the cup, and so would he when they realised it was his fault. His ears buzzed.

Clary answered her phone, and Alec rolled his eyes when he realised it was Simon. His day couldn’t get any worse. Apparently it could, as Simon agreed to come with her.

Alec did his best to stop Clary, all but pinning her down, but she escaped his grasp before he could get a good grip. Terrified, he raced after her.

After a few minutes, they had reached what Alec presumed to be the fire escape of her old flat. Graffiti decorated the walls, and the scent of burning was still present despite a week having passed since the fire. Simon waited excitedly, seemingly relieved to see Clary.

Unwillingly, Alec removed his glamour. He fixed Clary with another glare, but he realised that he couldn’t stop her, she had the same look that Izzy had when she was determined to do something. Alec felt bile rise in his throat.

“Hi Alec, you look happy as always.” Simon’s tone was joking, but Alec wasn’t in the mood. He looked around anxiously, half expecting the silent brothers to appear around the corner at any moment. He ignored any conversation attempts, listening carefully to every rustle of leaves.

He followed them cautiously, every sense trained on the environment around them. Simon kept chattering away happily, talking about some wedding or whatever, typical mundane stuff.

He felt a glimmer of sympathy for the pair, they were obviously close. The way Simon looked at Clary was familiar, Jace had been following her with the same moony expression. It must have been a big change for them. Alec tried to ignore the feeling, things were always going to change in life, they shouldn’t be so stuck in the past.

Alec pushed Clary back when she tried to go through the door, ignoring her protest. If there was something here, and there probably was, she wasn’t nearly trained enough to protect herself from a demon. Alec had a vision of her bleeding, and his wrists itched, mouth filling with the taste of metal.

The apartment seemed to be empty, but Alec didn’t lower his guard for a second. Simon and Clary made their way into one of the rooms, and Alec wrinkled his nose at the acrid stench of burnt wood and fabric.

It wasn’t until they had found the box Clary had mentioned that a noise finally came, and Alec would have been glad to point out that he was right were they not in danger. He gestured for the pair to stay where they were as he slipped into the apartment.

At this point, he imagined that Clary would stand a chance, if she didn’t freeze up, but Simon would be ripped to shreds in a second. He was far too soft, he lacked Clary’s fighting spirit and Alec doubted he had ever been in a proper fight in his life.

When he got outside, he followed the noise. He kept his bow up the entire time, arrows gripped in a loose fist. He kept his weight on his toes. When he caught up to the noise, there was nothing.

He realised it was a trap a moment too late, and he could only watch with horror as the pair were dragged into a car, gone before he could register what had happened.

The small clearing was silent except for the faint swishing of the grass as a breeze slipped between the blades.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec flinched away from Jace’s anger, feeling it thrumming through their bond. His hands trembled, but Jace was too angry to notice, eyes flashing with fury.

Izzy was more forgiving, but Alec couldn’t escape the sensation of cold dread trickling through every fibre of his being. His concern for Clary was replaced by frustration, and even if that wasn’t fair he couldn't help it.

His ears buzzed and Alec wondered whether he might pass out from fear when they got back to the institute. If he had to go back into that room, he would go mad. He couldn't bear it, not again, and for what?

Clary had been selfish and inconsiderate, she didn’t care about anyone but herself and her own, the suffering of the people she dragged on her journey be damned. And Jace agreed with her.

His own parabatai was choosing to follow this girl, who had torn their lives apart, over him. The feeling of isolation was like an insect in the back of his brain, just waiting for him to descend into insanity. Of all the people to leave him, he didn’t think it would be Jace.

Even Izzy barely made eye contact with him, and Alec wondered if she was ashamed of him.

Alec tried to help Jace track her, but it was hopeless. The skin of his hands felt singed under the force of his brother's grip, and Alec found himself shivering again. They had no choice but to go back to the institute after that.

Maryse and Robert were waiting for them, and Alec forced his legs to move, feet turning to stone.

“Valentine’s daughter? All you had to do was keep an eye on one girl and you didn’t even manage to do that.” Maryse spat the words out, and Alec couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. “Jace, Izzy, you are going to fix this. Alec, come with me.”

Jace and Izzy looked like they were going to argue, but to Alec’s relief they clearly thought better of it and lowered their heads in submission. Izzy gave Alec a wistful look before she followed the blond.

Alec followed his parents into their office, mouth dry as a bone. This was all too familiar. When they got inside, Alec jumped at the sound of a slamming door.

“How could you let this happen?” Robert’s words were like venom on his skin, and Alec forced himself to stand straight. He needed to hold himself together, lest they lose whatever respect they might have left of him.

“I expected better from you. We’ve had quite enough of this silent business, you are supposed to be the heir to the Lightwood institute and all you have done is humiliate our family.”

Alec had tried to speak, but the words got caught in his throat, and in a shocking turn of events being yelled at didn’t seem to shake them loose. The raven haired shadowhunter wondered whether someone else would have done better, whether he really was being as pathetic as they said he was.

“Look at me Alexander.” Maryse was giving an order, and Alec raised his head, hoping the fear didn’t show in his eyes. A sharp slap sent a hot flash of pain across his face, but Alec fought to keep his face impassive.

“You are fortunate that we are not going to tell the silent brothers about this, but if she isn’t found we will have no choice. I will put you in the whitespace myself if anything like this happens again. Now get out of my sight.”

Giving a polite nod, Alec backed out of their office and made a beeline for his room. As soon as the door was shut, the emotions tore their way out of him in ragged, uncontrollable sobs. Alec wrapped his hands around him tightly, grasping at his skin so firmly he wondered if it would tear.

Shudders wracked his entire body, and Alec could barely breathe through the fear and the pain and the anger and so many emotions. He felt trapped in his head. The buzzing was like wasps.

Alec tangled his fingers in his hair and tugged, but the pain did nothing to help him calm down. He let out a low groan, terror rising in his throat.

They were going to send him back there. They would put him back in that room and he would die there, he couldn’t survive that place, not again.

The sharp flavour of blood burst across his tongue, and his arm tensed under the agony of tearing skin. Alec paused, his heart slowing against the sensation. Blood dribbled down his chin, painting red streaks down his arm. It stemmed from the repetitive teeth marks around his wrist.

Alec hadn’t intended to do that, in fact he didn’t even realise he had put his wrist in his mouth, but it grounded him slightly. He forced himself to breathe, entire body feeling exhausted and drained.

On shaky legs, the shadowhunter forced himself to stand, grabbing a bandage from his drawer. It was normal for shadowhunters to take care of their own injuries, but Alec had gotten the occasional backhanded comment over the pale blue colouring of the bandages he used.

He couldn’t keep the white ones.

Wrapping the wound tightly, Alec tugged off his shirt that was now damp with sweat, changing into a black, long sleeved top. Nobody would question the bandage, not in the institute, and Alec checked himself in the mirror before he left.

His eyes were slightly red, but Alec was sure it would fade quickly enough. Jace and Izzy would be too distracted to care anyway. His cheek was slightly red, but it probably wouldn't leave a bruise, with any luck nobody would think it was more than a normal training injury.

Pulling himself together, he stepped back into the institute.

Chapter Text

As he predicted, Jace was so focused on finding Clary that he barely gave Alec a second glance when the shadowhunter caught up to them. Izzy on the other hand peered at him, much to his discomfort, clearly wanting to know more but Alec waved her off. She was evidently frustrated but held her tongue.

Fortunately for them, the mundane did have some use as he managed to get hold of a phone. Alec’s knees almost gave out, werewolves were bad but Valentine would have been far worse.

It was a relatively quick mission up until two werewolves got into an intense fight. Alec watched with mild interest, his curiosity tempered by the awareness that they could be torn apart at any moment. The victor, Luke, seemed to know Clary quite well.

“He needs help, right now!” Clary’s voice was pleading and Alec felt his heart lurch. For a moment he was sickened by his weakness, his parents might be traditional but they were right about emotion getting in the way.

Alec dreaded the idea of bringing the injured wolf to the institute, but Izzy had a much better plan.

“Let’s take him to Magnus. He needs warlock healing, help me get him to the car.” Alec felt his face move, and realised with a jolt that he was actually smiling. It had become a somewhat unfamiliar feeling, and Alec wondered whether the warlock had somehow put a curse on him.

Alec took one of Luke’s shoulders and helped drag him to the car, slightly daunted by the mundane transport. He vowed to make sure Clary didn’t notice, he would never hear the end of it. The shadowhunter shook his head, trying to bring himself to his senses.

It didn’t matter what the girl thought. She had flouted every rule and for as long as the consequences didn’t affect her she wouldn't stop.

When they reached Magnus’ apartment, Alec felt strangely anxious. After the punishment he had been pretty bad at socialising with people, but this was something different.

Maryse and Robert had been the first people he saw when he woke up in the infirmary, and Alec had no idea how to respond to them. Truthfully, it had felt like he was on another plane of reality, as if they were just some figment of his imagination. He knew what they were meant to be to him, but he couldn’t connect the emotions.

It was like all the cables in his brain had been switched, everything tangled and disjointed.

Maryse had been softer than usual with him, keeping the doctors at bay whenever he got too overwhelmed, a saving grace considering how often it had happened. It wasn’t until a week later that Jace and Izzy finally broke in.

*** *** *** *** ***

“Alec?” The whisper was like thunder in his ears, and Alec barely recalled moving before his back slammed into the corner of the room. He looked around desperately, where was the white? What was going on, where was he?

A shape came out of the shadows, and Alec pressed himself further into the wall, until his rips compressed painfully. He could hear a rapid, distinctive noise, and realised it was his own breathing.

Had he gone insane at last? There were bugs crawling through his brain, scurrying around his ears and making them sting at the noise. Everything was too loud.

“Alec, it's just me. It’s Izzy.” Izzy? The image of his sister was fuzzy, and Alec didn’t know if he could believe this voice. He let out a silent whimper as a light flicked on. The room was white, and Alec’s panic started to reside. He knew white.

There were two people in front of him, and they looked horrified. Alec shivered violently, from the cold air as well as the terror. He had showered for the first time in however long earlier, finally able to stand up by himself. He flinched at every droplet, eventually his mother had to turn it off until he was calm enough to try again.

Alec looked away, scared of the shapes. He pressed his hands against the familiar smoothness.

“Alec, do you know who we are?” Of course he did, his parents had shown him pictures when he woke up, despite his body having been made out of glass. Alec could feel their concern, and his brain took a moment to remember that he had a parabatai. Yes that was it!

At last Alec looked up, unsure of how long they had been frozen in time. Things moved strangely here, events were too straight. Izzy had tears in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks, Jace looked like he was going to join her.

Alec wondered if they knew who he was, he wasn’t too certain himself. He knew his name and that he was a shadowhunter but he didn’t feel what he was supposed to. His wrists throbbed faintly.

Jankily, he made himself nod. That didn’t seem to ease the concern, and Alec wished he could turn it off. He didn’t like it, he didn’t like that it was inside him.

Izzy lowered to a crouch beside him. He could see the way her hands shook, as if she didn’t know what to do with herself. A part of him wanted to reach out but his arms weren't his own right now.

“What did they do to you?” Jace’s voice wavered, and he settled on the floor next to Izzy, raising his hands up as though Alec were a scared animal. “We aren't going to come any closer Alec, you are safe.”

Alec found that he believed them, and his shoulders loosened slightly. The movement was rather painful, most things were at the moment. The doctor said it was because of the malnutrition, which Alec supposed made sense. He didn’t feel hungry, but when he was shown himself in a mirror he thought he might have become a skeleton.

Since he came here he hadn't been able to eat, the different textures were too powerful. Maryse had thought he was asleep when she spoke in hushed tones about getting a warlock to heal him, to fix him.

Izzy and Jace didn’t move for the rest of the night, instead they started to tell stories about things they had done as kids. Alec remembered it all, in the same way you remembered a dream when someone told you about it.

Sometimes it all became too much, and he would shut his eyes and imagine he was back in the white room. They would be silent then.

The next night they returned, and then the night after that. They kept on coming back, and each time they would tell him stories, only stopping when he couldn’t handle it.

He wanted to ask why they never came during the day, but he couldn’t make the words. Despite that, Alec felt a little more like himself.

After a few weeks, Alec reached out. Izzy had been telling him though teary eyes about a cooking mishap when he felt an odd burst of familiarity. He had wanted to protect her, from this thing that was making her sad. He didn’t make eye contact, but he did put the tips of his fingers on her arm.

She was silent for a bit after that, barely even daring to breathe. Alec pulled away when his skin started buzzing, but it was probably the first touch he could remember.

He had overheard Jace as he shouted at the doctor, demanding that they tell him what had happened. Based on the anger Alec felt through their bond, he assumed the doctor didn’t tell him.

Strangely, Alec didn’t want them to know. It felt too personal, as if they would be able to pick him apart if they knew, and Alec didn’t know if he could put himself back together again. His words were caught in his chest.

Izzy tried asking once, and Alec pulled a blank on what happened afterwards. There was a lot that he couldn’t remember of that time, but they never asked him again.

*** *** *** *** ***

Alec was so lost in thought that he didn’t realise the door had opened until Jace gently nudged his shoulder. The shadowhunter dragged Luke into the now familiar room. It was just as he had remembered it in his dreams.

Luke was a deadweight, and Alec found himself panting roughly after he and Jace got him onto the sofa. Only then did he get a proper look at their host.

Magnus was in a silk robe, the red of the fabric working perfectly with his complexion. Alec reminded himself to breathe.

“Alexander! You brought company.” Alec felt like he had been struck, he was so worried about everything at the institute he completely forgot about Magnus inviting him over. He felt dreadful.

Magnus took it in stride, however, quickly explaining that he was joking. Despite his calmness, those warm eyes were taking in every aspect of Alec, and he hoped that he was right about there not being any bruising.

Even if there was, he wondered how Magnus would be able to see it over his blushing.

With a clap, Magnus was straight to work, listing off various herbs and items he would need. At last, he landed on Alec.

“If you don't mind, I would like to keep you here. I’ll need your assistance.” Jace squared up, standing defensively in front of Alec.

“What do you need him for?” Alec couldn’t help feeling irritated at the gesture. He knew Jace had good intentions but ever since… Then, Jace had a habit of treating him like he would break at any second.

“Virgin shadowhunter energy.” That put an end to the argument pretty quickly, and Alec would probably have been humiliated were he not so distracted by Magnus’ smirk.

After brief instructions were given, he and Magnus were finally alone.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec stood uncertainly by the door frame, unable to tear his eyes from Luke’s suffering. He wondered if he would have done it, Alec knew that he was a good fighter but to take on an alpha was quite something, even for another wolf.

He supposed that if Jace or Izzy were in danger, he wouldn’t think twice.

Magnus hummed a pretty tune, and Alec wished he could ask what it was. When Magnus caught his eye, he stopped.

“It’s a song that my mother used to sing when she was cooking. It’s been so long that I’m afraid I can't remember the lyrics anymore, but the tune has stayed with me, even after all these years.” His voice was wistful and longing, and Alec wanted to pull the man into a hug.

When he was being punished, one of the worst parts was slowly forgetting. It was as though his memories had taken form, and slowly seeped out of his mind along with his sanity, slipping through his fingers like water. The only difference was that he was able to relearn them.

“We have a little while before this will be ready, and I’ve cast a spell to ease Luke’s pain, so how about we catch up a little.” Alec stepped back, intrigued. He found himself wanting to know everything he could about him.

“Before I get lost in a tangent, how would you prefer to speak?” Alec cocked his head, unsure of what Magnus was asking. “Well as much as I enjoy hearing my own voice, it takes two to tango. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to actually speak, give me a moment to grab some paper.” With a flourish a ornate pen and a small notebook appeared in his palms. “Here you are.”

Alec was awestruck, unsure whether he was actually expected to take the materials. Izzy and Jace had tried to see if he would write instead of talk, but he had still been lost in his head and never even tried. They had given up a while after that, knowing that if he wanted to he could always get it himself.

This was the first time in years that someone had actually wanted to include him in a conversation. They wanted to talk to him rather than just at him. Alec felt tears brim in his eyes, before turning away quickly in humiliation. Crying in front of an especially handsome high warlock of brooklyn? Come on Alec that's pathetic even for you.

Magnus waited patiently, hands still extended when Alec turned back, and he hesitantly took the items, half expecting the warlock to whisk them away as a joke. The warlock blinked kindly, eyes betraying his thoughts.

Alec had expected revulsion and disgust, perhaps even pity. But Magnus only seemed… sympathetic. Alec realised that he didn’t know how to respond to it, but he nodded gratefully for the gesture, relieved that his manners were still intact.

“So, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself? I know your name, but I want to know more.” Magnus was as warm as the sun, and Alec could barely understand the devotion behind his attention.

With a shaking hand, he started writing. It had been a long time since he actually talked about himself to anyone but Jace and Izzy, and even then it was normally through gestures. He had never been a wordsmith, the words tumbled out of his mouth like thorns rather than flowing like his parents. Even before the punishment, he had preferred physical displays of affection.

When he was done, he turned the page before he lost his nerve, or thought too much about the ugliness of his writing. The time showed.

*My parents are Maryse and Robert Lightwood, Jace is my parabatai and Izzy is my sister. Clary is a person that I know.* Magnus chuckled slightly.

“Not a big fan I see, she is a nice girl but I imagine a bit of a whirlwind.” Alec nodded, his mouth curving into a shy smile. “I am glad that you feel able to talk to me, but I want to know more about you, what you like and don’t like, what you want to be.”

Alec frowned slightly, he didn’t really want to be anything, he was meant to be the Lightwood heir and now he wasn’t, that was it. Tapping the back of the pen against the pad, he thought.

*I like to read.* Magnus broke into a huge smile. Alec had loved reading for most of his life, and hated how it was often looked down upon by the other shadowhunters. Despite their contempt, Alec would sneak into his parents office as a child to read the books they had there.

Over time he realised that the books were not always right. Whilst he preferred fiction, non-fiction was normally the only thing he could get his hands on. Alec wasn’t able to ask questions, but he could listen.

“We will have to get that warlock in again to reinforce the wards.” His mother had hissed the words, as though the word warlock hurt her. When the warlock arrived, she had ignored their hatred and done as they asked. Alec snuck away from training to watch, he wanted to see whether the warlock really did have blood as black as demon ichor, oozing poison and cursing children.

To his surprise, the warlock looked just like he did. When she noticed him, he tried to disappear into the wall as he shivered with fear, waiting for her to curse him. But she didn’t. Instead she asked him if he would like to learn a bit more about magic.

He had known that his parents would be furious if they found out, but his curiosity got the better of him. She had used her magic to give him a book that was written by a warlock, which he accepted gratefully. Once she left, he hid the book in his bedroom, only reading it at night.

He still had it, hidden under a loose floorboard under the bed. It was a little worse for wear now, but it was one of his most treasured possessions. The warlock had never come back after that day, and he always hoped he would one day see her again.

“As do I, we will get along very well Alexander.” Magnus had a look of genuine happiness and interest. “What sort of books do you like? Personally I am a fan of Honore de Balzac, the way he writes his characters has such a feeling of realism.” Alec felt woefully unprepared, he didn’t really have a favourite author.

Picturing his hidden book, he wrote the name of the author.

*John Shade.* Magnus paused at the name.

“A warlock? Well I… I can't say I expected that.” Alec flinched, wondering if he had done something wrong. “No. This is good, I didn’t realise that they allowed such books in shadowhunter Institutes.”

Alec looked away slightly, and Magnus let out a surprisingly boisterous laugh. “You don’t mean… Alexander Lightwood did you sneak a forbidden book into the institute?” The shadowhunter blushed, quickly writing down an abridged version of the story and showing it to the warlock.

Magnus’ eyes glowed. “Oh Alexander, I like you more and more by the second.” Alec’s heart was like a hummingbird in his chest, and he was drawn in by Magnus’ words. He could listen to the warlock all day.

The warlock’s face darkened. “Did you get that bruise from training, or did they tell you that you had broken another rule.” Alec froze, every muscle tensed. There was no law against being disciplined within the institute, but he felt vulnerable under Magnus’ eyes. He shrugged.

Seeming to detect his discomfort, Magnus changed the subject.

Holding up a single finger, the warlock gestured for Alec to wait, before he vanished into another room. When he returned, he carried a leather bound book, titled ‘Velvet dancers’. He passed it to Alec, and the shadowhunter admired the intricate designs.

“I think you will like this one, unfortunately it’s my only copy so I suppose you shall have to come by again to return it.” Magnus winked, and Alec found himself blushing again. He tingled with excitement, already looking forward to reading it when he got home. Fortunately, it was nondescript enough that Alec doubted it would be against clave regulations.

As if he could read his mind, Magnus confirmed it.

“Don’t worry my dear, completely within the law. I wouldn’t do anything to put you at risk.” There was something about his voice that Alec couldn’t identify, and Alec wrote down a sincere thank you. Magnus put on another winning smile. “You are very welcome, perhaps you could send me a text when you are finished?” Alec nodded enthusiastically.

With a loud bang that made both of the men jump backwards, Jace burst through the door, healing plants in hand. Magnus gave Alec a final, longing look, before he went to meet the blond. Alec found himself still smiling.

--- --- --- --- ---

When they got back to the institute, Alec was exhausted. He didn’t know whether it was just because of everything that had happened, or whether it was the energy he had given to Magnus.

Feet dragging, he pulled himself onto his bed, clutching the book to his chest. He had been careful to avoid drawing any attention to himself, terrified that his parents would still be angry and might take it.

The book was satisfyingly heavy, and when he opened it to the first page he realised it was handwritten. Adjusting his torch, he started to read.

Alec was so drawn in that he didn’t stop until the sun rose to signify the beginning of the new day. The story was one of love, describing two female vampires as they fell in love over the centuries, weathering all sorts of trials and challenges along the way. He was particularly drawn to one of the side characters, who they rescued from his prison during a war.

The character described how he had felt alone, and the words resonated inside Alec. Unlike most shadowhunter fiction, the story had a happy ending, where they finally got to be together forever. Alec had never read a story like it, all the ones he had been expected to read were to prepare you for the hardness of the world.

Certainly, they would never involve two people of the same gender falling in love. It wasn’t explicitly against the rules, but Alec was well aware of what his parents would likely do if they found out. The world buzzed.

Not only that, their love didn’t involve sex. The idea of it had scared Alec for a long time, he had never been able to ask the same questions that Jace and Izzy did. In shadowhunter culture, the purpose of sex was reproduction, to make the new generation of warriors to serve the institute.

Alec did think that he wanted to have sex at some point, but he didn’t think he could ever have that with a woman. This idea of not needing to reproduce but being able to love anyway was foreign, but he liked it.

Closing the book, Alec lay back on his bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Magnus, and his heart fluttered.

Chapter Text

Alec met up with Magnus a few more times after that, and he thought he might be falling in love. He knew that it wasn’t against the clave, the idea of being in a relationship with a downworlder was so obscene that they never bothered to include it, but whenever he snuck away he always felt like he was doing something wrong.

There were quite a few times when Alec felt so inexplicably guilty that he wondered whether he would be better off stopping. Then he would see Magnus again, and all doubt would fly away.

It was easy to slip away, Alec was always so silent that people rarely noticed him, considering him more of an ornament than actual person. Izzy knew something was up, but when Alec accidentally let it slip she was delighted. She assured him that she wouldn’t breathe a word to anyone, her loyalty almost made Alec feel better about Jace.

Almost.

Jace was more distracted by Clary than ever, and Alec suspected that he might be sneaking out with her to do unsanctioned missions. He could feel his parabatai’s guilt and adrenaline rush each time, but there was nothing he could do.

It came to a head when Alec was woken up by an intense rush of apprehension, and he swung his legs so that he was sat up. The tile was cold under his feet, but he ignored it as he slipped quietly down the hall.

Just as he suspected, when he rounded the corner he was met by the whispers of Clary and Jace as they grabbed their gear. In a moment of fury, he walked over and grabbed Jace’s arm.

The blond turned on a time, eyes bright with anger, before he relaxed.

“Oh, it’s just you Alec.” He sounded relieved, and Alec’s anger was renewed. He glared intently at Jace, ignoring Clary as she tried to justify what they were doing. It didn’t matter why they were doing it, not anymore.

Jace tried to brush past him, but Alec pushed himself back in the way. He begged for Jace to understand, for him to see the fear in his eyes and feel the impending threat, but his brother was too blinded by his affection for Clary to care.

“Get out of our way, we have to do this. Can't you understand that Alec!” Alec could understand, but he knew better than to think that they were above the law. The silent brothers wouldn’t care about their reasons.

Truthfully, Alec was getting sick of being understanding. His entire life he had been ‘understanding’, and he was always the one to get punished for it. Izzy knew their parents, when she had realised that Alec was the scapegoat she had been appalled, furious at their parents for their unfairness.

To Alec, he had always known that it was his duty to protect his little sister, and that instinct had never gone away. She was reasonable and controlled, she would bend the rules but never broke them.

Jace was less observant. For a long time, especially after hearing about the way he was raised, Alec considered himself fortunate. After all, he barely ever got a bruise from his parents, and they always acted in his best interests, certainly he was better off than Jace.

When Jace became a part of their family, Alec knew he needed to protect him, as much as he was able, and he had held that up. He knew that for as long as he lived he would hold that up.

But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t hard when Jace actively looked for trouble. Alec wished that he would see that Alec was suffering, but he never did. It wasn’t his fault, Alec never told him what was going on, but he thought their parents could do no wrong, dismissing Izzy when she tried to explain.

Even when they were children it had never been this bad. The odd occurrence of sneaking out to go to a nightclub was nothing in comparison to this blatant disregard of the law. Alec bit back a scream of despair. Clary was going to ruin them.

Alec tried to send more of his emotions down their link, but Jace blocked him off. Alec was shocked. They had argued before, much worse than this, but Jace had never blocked him out. Alec felt more desperately alone than ever.

He shook his head ferociously, reaching for the relationship he and Jace had shared for the better part of their lives. Jace shook him off.

“We are doing the right thing, the clave just can't see it.” Alec wanted to scream. It didn’t matter whether the clave saw it or not, the only thing they would be seeing would be white walls. “I’m going with Clary, either tell me why I shouldn’t or leave us alone.”

Alec flinched like he had been hit. He didn’t even recognise the man in front of him. Where was his brother, the person who stayed up with him each night as he shook and sobbed, the man who had never forced him to try and speak?

He was gone, replaced by this stranger who was using the one thing that Alec was defenceless in against him. Jace froze. “Alec, I’m sorry I didn’t mean-” Alec couldn’t listen to anymore, the buzzing was getting louder and louder.

Gasping for air, he fled, ignoring Clary and Jace as they called his name. Without thinking, he found himself going to the main office, currently housing Lydia. She had come to the institute quite recently, and had complimented Alec on his quick response.

When the other shadowhunters explained that he was mute, that he was weak and pathetic, she defended him, saying that he might be mute but he was faster than them. She had Alec’s respect, he admired her loyalty and strength, her determination to do what was necessary.

Remembering his manners, he tapped on the door. He barely felt like he was in control of himself, as though he were being controlled by strings. Bleary with sleep, Lydia opened the door.

“Alec? What’s going on? Is the institute benign attacked?” Her hand reached for her stele, and Alec quickly shook his head, raising his palms. Lydia had discussed some gestures that he could use to give base messages, in the case of an emergency. He gave a sign of peace.

Relaxing slightly, Lydia rubber the sleep from her eyes, meeting Alec with respect and patience. He quickly signed for a pen, and she passed him one.

*Jace and Clary are leaving.* Lydia read the message, and nodded.

“Alright, do you know where they are planning to go or what they are going to do?” Alec shook his head, and Lydia pulled on a clean shirt as she moved. “I’ll catch up to them. I don’t doubt that you’ve already tried but I’ll see if I can stop them.”

Alec nodded respectfully, directing her to where he last saw them. He admired the new leader, not only did she treat everyone fairly, she also trusted the competence of the shadowhunters.

The brunet felt his skin prickle with guilt, feeling like he had betrayed his parabatai. He ignored the feeling, reminding himself that he was doing what was best for both Jace and Clary. It might have stemmed from anger, but he trusted Lydia to act accordingly.

If she could stop them, then it was unlikely that she would make a report to the clave, he might have been fast enough. He mentally pleaded with Jace to not get heated and refuse. Alec felt helpless.

After a tense few minutes, Lydia returned. She looked as calm and collected as always, and Alec felt a wave of admiration for her.

“I got them to come back, and I won't make a report this time, but if it happens again I won't have a choice.” Alec was so relieved that he thought he might drop to his knees, and he bowed his head. He handed her another piece of paper. She smiled softly.

“You're welcome. I know that must have been hard, I can't imagine having to go behind my parabatai, but we both know that it's for the best.” Alec’s chest tightened. “You are a good shadowhunter, I am glad to have you by my side.”

Unsure of what to do next, Alec awkwardly ducked his head again and backed away. When he got back to his room, the feeling of betrayal and anger was so strong that he couldn’t bear it.

--- --- --- --- ---

In his dream, Alec was surrounded by white. Every way he ran he met a wall, and despite clawing at it until his fingers bled nothing changed. Alec screamed desperately, lungs struggling to inflate and heart thumping out of his chest.

The walls were closing in, and Alec curled into a fetal position, eyes closed as he screamed. Spiders were crawling into his veins, tearing at his skin with tiny, razor sharp teeth and eating him from the inside out.

He called out for Jace and Izzy, jumping when a hand hit his shoulder. He looked up to see Magnus. His hope was dashed immediately as the warlock glared at him with disgust, skin as cold as ceramic. He ignored Alec’s pleas as he walked away.

Digging his fingers into his skin, Alec tried to wake up. The silence got louder and louder, and Alec wondered whether he was still trapped in the room.

Gasping, he jolted awake. The white was still there, and Alec whimpered, clawing at his skin in a desperate attempt to escape. His fingers scratched until they were wet, but he couldn’t see anything past the white.

He was on his feet before he realised it, slamming his hands against the frictionless walls as tears streamed down his face. Trying to scream, Alec couldn’t make a sound, throat raw and painful.

Collapsing to the ground, Alec buried his head in his arms, rocking back and forth with unbearable adrenaline. He was stuck, he was going to die. Wetness spread down his legs, but Alec was barely even aware of it.

After a few minutes, the terror started to ease slightly, his body too exhausted to keep going. He still trembled, but the buzzing was easing.

Alec didn’t lift his head, too afraid to break the darkness and kill the illusion. He forced himself to breathe with Herculean control, feeling his head start to clear. Grasping at reality, Alec pushed his thoughts onto Magnus, he knew that the warlock had to be real. Even in his dreams, Alec had never made someone so perfect.

Eventually, Alec forced himself to lift his gaze and sobbed with relief when he was met by the ocean blue walls of his bedroom. Like a cornered animal, Alec grabbed the nearest item to him with snakelike speed.

The item turned out to be his stele, having been knocked off his bedside table in the panic. Running his fingers over it, Alec could feel the regular indents and breathed in turn with finding one.

The act worked to ground him, and Alec eventually felt present enough to assess the damage. Blood ran down his arms from claw marks, and with a shudder of revulsion Alec realised that the liquid was not only mottling the floor but was also smudged on the stele. That would be a bitch to get out later.

His arms were stinging, and Alec turned his palms downward, analysing the bruised and bleeding knuckles. One of his fingernails was slightly loose, but didn’t seem to have come off entirely so that was a win.

Most distressing was the disconcerting wetness between his thighs, and he hit his head against the wall behind him tiredly. It had been a long time since he had a panic attack bad enough to cause that.

Dragging himself to his feet, he dragged himself into the shower, tossing his soiled clothes into a spare bin bag as he went, electing to burn them later. The water was pleasantly cool, and when Alec stepped back out he felt much more human.

Swiftly changing, Alec checked the clock balanced precariously on the nightstand. He was relieved to see he had 20 minutes before he was meant to join a hunt this morning, it gave him enough time to cover up what had happened.

In the back of his mind, he could feel Jace’s concern through their bond, but it was overshadowed by his brother's pride and anger. Alec didn’t mind, he doubted that Jace would get over his betrayal for a while. He couldn’t comfort himself as he usually would with the thought that Jace and he would always work it out, not whilst Clary was still here.

Emotions still running high, Alec felt singed by jealousy, so overpowering that his damaged arms barely stung as he cleaned them. It might be childish, but Alec was too exhausted to try and be the bigger person.

It was unfair, he realised, that he only blamed Clary. She hadn't forced Jace to do anything, in a sense she was so new to the world that Alec doubted she even knew all the laws within the clave. Nonetheless, Alec felt like an angry child who’s favourite toy had been stolen.

Alec knew that Jace wasn’t just his parabatai. Jace was one of the best shadowhunters in the institute, strong and courageous, Alec would want nobody else by his side in battle. The man had overcome too much to just be a trophy.

Jace had always been flirty, but since Clary had arrived it was as though Alec had stopped existing, stopped mattering to him. His brother got on well with everyone, he was confident and social, something Alec equally respected and envied. Alec however, was alone.

Izzy and Jace, especially since the punishment, were the only people who didn’t tiptoe around him. They were all that he had, and the idea of losing someone who was a part of him, his parabatai, was near unbearable.

To put it simply, Alec felt insecure. A flash of a particular warlock crossed his mind, and Alec wondered whether Magnus would still want to be around him if he realised how ugly Alec was, both inside and out.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec was cleaning his bow when his parents found him.

The hunt had gone well, it had been a small one, just a few shadowhunters aside from himself and Izzy. it had been nice spending some time with his sister, in battle there was no need for words between them, they could read each other like a book.

Izzy had looked so genuinely happy, more like herself. Alec suspected that Jace’s distance was hurting her too, after all she and Jace had been like siblings since Herondale arrived at the institute.

Clary and Izzy seemed to be becoming better friends, at least. Alec envied the ease with which his sister had accepted Clary, not once had she seen the girl with anything but compassion. When she became the new head of the institute, she would be a fantastic leader. Already Lydia was giving her more duties.

Alec was proud of her achievements, she truly did deserve her success. He knew that their parents had never gone easy on her, not like they had been with Jace, but she had overcome it all.

When Maryse and Robert came to a halt, Alec noticed an all too familiar gleam in their eyes. They wanted something. As expected of him, Alec rose to his feet respectfully, awaiting their instruction.

“Alec, we thought we might find you here. We have something we need to discuss.” Already this was making him concerned, but he kept his face impassive. “As you probably heard, the Lightwood institute has come under investigation recently.”

Alec nodded, he had suspected as much when Lydia had arrived. It was rare for the leadership to be passed to an outsider in any situation, unless there was no other choice. With Izzy there, he could assume that this wasn’t due to there being no options.

“As a way of avoiding unnecessary conflict, a union of the Lightwood’s and the Branwell’s has been suggested as a solution.” Alec felt a cold lump of dread starting to form in his stomach. Lydia was the only Branwell he knew that was of a similar age to any of them.

“You won't be forced into it, but a marriage between you and Lydia could be the only thing stopping the fall of our family.” They seemed to sense Alec’s concern and Maryse sympathetically continued. “Think about it, that's all we ask.”

And think about it Alec did, so much so that he barely slept that night.

He didn’t know why the idea felt so wrong. He liked Lydia, she was everything he wanted to be and he respected her as a leader. Alec knew that his parents didn’t make it an order, but he wondered whether they only did it because they knew he couldn’t say no.

To this day he didn’t know why he had been punished the way he was. Mistakes had been made, sure, but to deserve four months of isolation? He had tried to ask, but everyone turned away. Ever since the idea of saying no to them was like a bone in his throat.

Alec lay still and tried to convince himself that marrying Lydia wouldn’t be so bad. She was a great person, and she seemed to like him well enough. It wasn’t love, but Alec knew that if it were for the greater good of shadowhunters, she would do her duty.

That was a part of why he admired her so much, she would always do her duty. Perhaps if he truly did admire her then he should be willing to make the same sacrifice. His heart throbbed.

His silence would be another issue. Alec imagined that if he agreed he would be all but forced into actually speaking, maybe even threatened with the whitespace again if he didn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t have things he wished to say, it just seemed like he had a muzzle on.

Sometimes he would speak in his dreams, but the idea of doing it in the waking world was terrifying, more so than taking on thousands of demons.

Deep down, Alec knew where his real hesitation lay. If he married Lydia he could never be with Magnus, no matter how much he wanted to. The marriage ceremony prevented any such affairs.

In such a short time, Magnus had come to mean everything to him. It was a slight exaggeration, but Magnus was always in his thoughts, even when he wasn’t meant to be.

Alec forced the idea away. He was a shadowhunter, not only would he likely be disowned if he revealed the truth, it didn’t matter what he wanted. His duty to the clave was more important than anything in his life, what he wanted was minor compared to the needs of his people.

If the institute was removed from the Lightwood family, then all the shadowhunters they had would be scattered around the rest of the world. In all his time listening Alec had come to realise quite how many of them had bonds with each other, how much they cared for each other.

What they wanted would matter even less than Alec’s desires. He pictured families being torn apart, any pleads falling on the deaf ears of the silent brothers.

Feeling ill, Alec rolled onto his side and banished his thoughts to the darkest crevice of his mind, to where he put all his emotions. He would think about it more tomorrow, but a part of him already knew what his answer would end up being.

A single tear slid down his cheek, and Alec didn’t have the heart to wipe it away.

--- --- --- --- ---

“They can't be serious!” Izzy looked distraught at the mere idea of the wedding. “Alec you deserve to be happy, you aren't just a tool for our parents to use.” She flipped her raven black hair over her shoulder, eyes dark with anger.

“They got themselves into this mess when they sided with Valentine, and now they expect you to fix it.” Her gaze turned soft. “You can't keep giving in to them, you deserve better, and so does Lydia. She would marry you if our parents asked, but don’t you think she deserves to be happy too?”

Alec must have given away some of his hurt on his face, because she quickly continued. “Don’t take that the wrong way Alec, you know what I mean. You respect her, all of us do, but you don’t love her.” She dropped to a whisper. “There's also the fact that you play for the other team.”

Alec glared for a moment, but the anger melted away as quickly as it came. She was right, as she always was. Izzy had figured it all out much faster than he had, and in the end she was the one to actually drag him out of denial. His heart warmed as he remembered her promise that she would never leave his side, and that she loved all of him.

The pair remained silent for a moment, Alec leaning back against the wall of his bedroom. The chipped paint was rough against his back, but it no longer reminded him of the white walls. He noticed his sister run her fingers across the new indents in his wall.

“Did you have another panic attack?” Alec nodded, there was little point in lying after she saw the bandages, and he knew that she wouldn't hate him for it. Still, he avoided meeting her eyes.

From her silence, he knew that she felt hurt that he hadn't gone to her. For a long time, Alec didn’t understand what was happening to him, and Izzy was the only one who was able to calm him down. His stomach churned.

When Izzy moved to her stele, Alec moved backward. As much as he disliked the pain, it was the only thing that he could use to drag him back to reality. A deeper part of him liked the marks that it left, it made the outside look as damaged as the inside.

His sister sighed, opening her mouth to say more but thinking better of it. “I’m going out.” Alec raised an eyebrow quizzically. “I can’t stand being here with them anymore, all they do is criticise me, as if I don’t already know how terrible a leader i'll be.”

Alec could hear the tightness in her voice as she spoke, and he shook his head fiercely. They were wrong! He grabbed his notebook, scribbling the words down, ignoring the pain in his fingers.

*You are a great leader, better than they are.” Izzy’s face was disbelieving.

“You’re my brother, you have to say that.” Alec almost let out a low growl of frustration. When they were kids, Alec and Izzy were able to handle the slaps and roughness, but the heartbreaking words had injured them more deeply.

Alec knew that up until the punishment, he had gotten off lightly in the insult department, for the most part their parents had nothing to say to him. Izzy had gotten the brunt of it. Spitting out venomous insults and criticising her every choice, Izzy would meet their eyes and stand obediently, only breaking down when she was alone.

Jace and Alec had heard her weeping through the walls, but had never known what to do or had the courage to answer back. It was one of Alec’s greatest regrets that he didn’t do more to stop them.

She would never admit it, but Alec knew Izzy was insecure. She was brilliant in every way, at least in his eyes, but she needed other people to validate her decisions, and Alec knew that he was the same way.

Their parents had pushed them down, and now they had to drag each other back up, no matter how hard it might be. One day, Alec hoped that Izzy would see herself the way he saw her.

He hated a lot of the downworlders his sister got together with. It had nothing to do with her ‘promiscuity’, as their parents called it. Izzy liked to have sex, and that was all there was too it, it wasn’t up to Alec or anyone to say how she lived her life.

What he didn’t like was the people that she chose. Meliorn was one of the better ones, he would admit, but the vampire she had dated when they were just finishing their training? Complete arsehole.

Each time she went out, Alec worried about her, whether she was safe, whether someone would try to take advantage of her. He knew that she was more than able to take care of herself, and she had in the past, but it didn’t stop his brotherly concern.

In this situation however, Alec couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave the institute. Truthfully, he was considering taking a leave also.

His heart yearned for Magnus. The shadowhunter had enjoyed his time with the warlock far more than he did when he was in the institute, and his chest fluttered when he pictured the beautiful man’s face.

Pushing down any anxiety, Alec walked with Izzy to the door, both skillfully avoiding meeting their parents or Lydia. He didn’t have the energy to handle them at the moment, and based on Izzy’s slumped shoulders, she didn’t either.

Once outside, they bid a quick farewell before going their separate ways. With a final look behind him, Alec was reminded of how fortunate he was to have Izzy, he didn’t know what he would do without her.

Chapter Text

“You can't do this!” Alec narrowly dodged an incoming punch from his sparring partner when he heard his sister’s voice. Tapping his arm twice as a signal for a time out, Alec turned his attention to his fiance.

Lydia was as calm as ever, bright blue eyes cold as she directed the guards holding a prisoner to take him down to the cell’s. With a jolt, Alec recognised Meliorn, he had seen the seelie at a few clave meetings when he used to go to Idris with his parents.

Izzy was exuding fury, eyes bright with distress, but she was contained and meeting Lydia levelly. “This is an unjust arrest, you have no right.” Lydia remained emotionless.

“We have reason to believe that he is involved with Valentine, with your… affairs, you are fortunate I haven’t arrested you also.” Alec met his fiance’s eyes, ignoring the cold feeling in his chest.

He didn’t agree with the decision to take Meliorn in, but he had barely been able to keep his sister from being taken in. Fortunately, Lydia had been willing to listen when he argued that Izzy was a loyal and brave shadowhunter, and had been able to convince her that no betrayal had taken place.

His stomach curled as he watched Meliorn leave. Alec would have to keep an eye on them, despite what the clave argued nobody, not even a ‘mere downworlder’, deserved to be sent to whitespace.

Izzy was tense as she lowered her head, Alec thanked the angel that she had more sense than to keep arguing. She was at enough risk as it was. Silently, he slipped over to the pair and eased Izzy away, nodding respectfully at Lydia.

The temporary leader blinked softly at him, eyes brimming with sympathy. Alec knew that she was following orders and had no other choice, and he felt a wave of fondness for his partner. Lydia really was a good person.

When they reached Izzy’s room his sister slumped against him, overwhelmed by emotion. Alec rubbed her back softly, holding her in a warm hug. Fortunately his parents were away for the week, he couldn’t imagine their reaction if they walked in.

Izzy was trembling slightly, but within moments she was back on her feet and thinking. Quiet as ever, Alec could only watch anxiously. Finally she seemed to settle on a decision.

“We need to protect Meliorn, I promise you Alec that I never told him anything about us and he would never work with Valentine.” She spat the name out, eyes dark with disgust. Alec nodded, he never thought for a second that Izzy would betray the clave, nor ever have such a poor judgement of character.

“Alec, I know this is a lot to ask but I need you to get Magnus to help us.” Alec blinked, astounded. “Please, he’ll listen to you. The clave will never give a downworlder a fair trial, they won't listen to be but they might listen to the high warlock of Brooklyn.”

Alec knew she was right. When he was being punished nobody had listened, he dreaded to think of what they would do to a downworlder. He hasn't spoken to Magnus since he and Lydia got engaged, and his fingers twitched with nervous energy.

After a moment, Alec nodded, and Izzy almost collapsed with relief. There might be some awkwardness, but Magnus would understand. Besides, a man’s life was much more important than his emotions, Alec reminded himself.

Izzy finally sat back down on the bed. “You and I both know what the clave can do.” Her face was contorted with fear, and Alec wondered whether she knew more than she was letting on. The woman gave nothing away.

Jumping to his feet, Alec motioned that he was heading out. Better to get this over with sooner rather than later. If the clave already knew about Meliorn they had no time to lose. Leaving Izzy behind, Alec made his way to the exit.

--- --- --- --- ---

The sensation of passing through wards was an unusual one, leaving Alec with a tingling on the back of his neck. Underneath a heavy layer of anxiety, Alec felt the usual low level buzz of excitement as he went up to Magnus’ flat.

Before he even reached the door it had been opened, and the shadowhunter was hit again by how beautiful the warlock was.

“Alexander? I thought I felt you coming, I was worried after you didn’t text me back.” His voice was edged with concern, and Alec felt a wave of guilt. He never meant to leave the warlock in silence, but he had needed the time to work through his own thoughts.

Using one of their gestures, Alec asked to come in, and Magnus gave him a welcoming hug. The shadowhunter leant into it, muscles relaxing in the comforting embrace. He breathed in the comforting scent of Magnus’ clothing, relieved that he had stopped experimenting with “one of Cat’s friends' perfumes.”

No offence to Cat, but it had been so strong that Alec had not been able to stop laughing at the sheer shock of it. Magnus had joined in as well, saying that it wasn’t the best he had ever used, but he had hoped he would adjust.

The memory vanished, and Alec remembered the seriousness of his visit. Pulling out his notebook, he shared a look with Magnus. The warlock was watching him intently, having picked up on the negative energy.

Thinking for a moment, suddenly nervous, Alec tried to put his words into order.

*Need help at the institute. Meliorn was arrested, they think he knows Valentine.* Magnus tensed as he read over Alec’s shoulder.

“Those bastards! They’re always the first to blame shadowhunters. His eyes were blazing, and if it were anyone else Alec would have felt frightened. Instead he found himself agreeing.

*He is safe, but they wont give him a fair trial.* picking up on the hint, Magnus went to storm off, before doubling back to hold Alec’s shoulder comfortingly.

“Of course I’ll help. I’ve seen what the clave likes to do to their prisoners.” Alec shifted uncomfortably under the searching gaze. “I don’t blame you my dear, I need you to know that.” Throat tight, Alec nodded.

Whilst Magnus went to grab some books, Alec finished off the note explaining his engagement. His heart burned, but Magnus needed to know the truth. He felt empty when he finished.

Magnus came back, wisps of magic simmering around him as he grabbed more items, only pausing to look at the note. “Oh… I see. Quite fast isn’t it?” Alec didn’t miss the shock in his friend's voice.

*It needs to be done. It’s what is right for the institute.* Magnus’ eyes gleamed yellow.

“For the institute maybe, but what about you? Alexander, I’ve lived a long long time, longer than I would care to admit. You're not the first person to be sucked in by someone saying that they are doing what ‘needs to be done’. The institute didn’t crumble before you came, and if it will crumble after then perhaps that is what needs to happen, but you should not be taken down with it.”

Alec felt like he was staring at the sun, burned by Magnus’ care.

“If this is what you really want, then I will not stand in the way, but I truly don’t think it is. I can only tell you that what you want, and what Lydia wants, goes beyond the clave’s rules.” He paused. “I know that the clave did something to you. Jace and Izzy haven’t told me much, but I can recognise the effects of torture from a mile away.”

Alec felt scalded at the use of the word. He had never been tortured! Torture was physical agony until you couldn’t bear it, Alec had only been put in a room for a bit. If he were stronger, he would have managed it.

Magnus read this in his gaze. “Oh Alexander, they have made you blind. You justify their actions because you must, but you did not deserve whatever it was that they did to you. You couldn’t have been much more than a child, certainly in my eyes you would have been.”

“Torture can come in many forms, and they are not always physical. But even if you insist that they did not, I have seen the scars on your arms and the way you will set yourself on fire to keep others warm. They might not have cut you directly, but they hung the blade over your neck.”

Alec bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood, and refused to meet Magnus’ eyes, afraid the man would see the tears that were scarcely held back. A wave of comforting magic washed over him.

“I care about you Alexander, more than I have cared about anyone in a very long time. I want you to be happy. I’m sorry if I am pushing too hard, but I need you to hear me more than I need you to like me.”

Alec felt his gut tie itself in a knot. He could never hate Magnus, not his beautiful, brilliant warlock. A deep part of him knew that the man was right, that what the institute had done was worse than he let himself think, he justified it because he couldn’t bear the thought that the clave had been wrong.

From birth, he had been told to trust the clave, to understand that the law was the law. But now, it was a little less clear. The law had punished a 17 year old boy for a crime they couldn’t even accuse him of, one of their own people.

Seeds of doubt were starting to blossom in his chest. He cared for Lydia a lot, but could he really go through with marrying her? It had been a few nights ago that she explained what happened to the man she loved, the one who had died in action.

He had felt an odd kinship with her, as though he could understand her feeling of loss. When he had been punished, everything he had known and trusted had been torn away, he felt her grief and desperation.

She didn’t love him, she had given up on the idea of love. Like him, all she had left to justify her pain was the clave, the belief that she was doing what needed to be done.

Alec finally met Magnus’ gaze, and saw his own pain reflected there. They stayed silent for a moment, before Alec uncharacteristically moved to sit beside his friend, burning his head in the warlock's shoulder.

Normally he reserved such familiarity for his parabatai or his sister, but Jace had not spoken to him in days and Izzy had her own issues going on. For now, he needed Magnus.

Magnus froze for a second, before he gently rested his chin on Alec’s raven black hair. “It will be alright Alexander, we can work this all out.” That was how they stayed.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec awoke with a gasp, sitting up sharply. A fluffy grey blanket had been laid over him as he slept, and a tabby cat was resting against his stomach. In a moment of panic, Alec stared at the cat.

The institute didn’t have pets, they were an unnecessary item that would get in the way of the important work. The only thing he knew about cats was one that he tried to say hi to as a little boy whilst on a hunt, an old tortoiseshell who had swiped and hissed at him.

This cat didn’t seem so scary, but perhaps he was just asleep and would scratch Alec if he woke them up. The creature moved, and Alec pulled the blanket up to his chest, but the little tabby only ran their paws over their face, before going back to sleep.

“Ah, I see you’ve met Chairman Meow.” Alec glared at Magnus as the warlock chuckled. He gestured to the paws, mimicking a clawing gesture. The warlock’s eyes glimmered with amusement.

“Don’t worry nephilim, you are far more dangerous than he is. Chairman is a big softie.” Magnus took hold of Alec’s wrist, gently tugging him to put his hand on the sleeping cat. The warlock was fortunate he was so cute, otherwise Alec would have thrown him out a window.

To his surprise, the cat was oddly soft, and started purring under Alec’s touch. The shadowhunter watched with anxious fascination, but he slowly relaxed as he realised that the cat wasn’t about to wake up and claw his eyes out.

When Magnus removed his hand, Alec continued stroking the cat, tickling Chairman behind his ear. In response, the tabby yawned, displaying tiny white teeth. Alec felt warm and fuzzy looking at the tiny creature.

With a jolt he remembered what had happened last night. Noticing this, Magnus came back with two cups of coffee, settling down on the other sofa. ‘Edgar Allen Poe’s’, Alec remembered fondly.

“Don’t worry my dear, I let Izzy know what happened. The trial isn’t until this afternoon, and your sister assured me that Meliorn is quite safe.” He raised his hands submissively. “I slept on the other sofa.” Alec blinked, processing the information.

Chairman rolled onto his back, exposing his soft belly, and Alec watched the legs warily as he continued scratching. The pale fur was even softer than his back, and the cat let out a trill of pleasure.

Forgetting himself, Alec mimicked the noise. A cold feeling rushed up his spine and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He met Magnus’ equally astounded eyes.

“Well if I had known that was all it would take I would have put the cat on you earlier.” Alec blinked owlishly before he started giggling silently. He wasn’t ready to say words yet, but that hasn't been as bad as he imagined.

Embarrassed, he turned back to the cat, and Magnus seemed happy to let it go. The loft felt lighter than ever, and Alec felt prouder of himself than he ever had.

--- --- --- --- ---

Outside the institute, Alec shivered in the cold winter breeze, regretting that he forgot a coat in his hurry last night. Magnus was stoic beside him, evidently deep in thought. Alec was careful to not interrupt him.

Already, he missed the warmth and comfort of the loft, as though it were his own home, and he shook away the thoughts. The trial was in an hour, and was much more important.

Much to Magnus’ irritation, they had forbade him from meeting his client before the trial. Alec shivered, and he wondered whether it was the cold or his fear.

The pair were waiting outside until his parents came to invite them in, unfortunately Alec didn’t have that power. He wondered how they would feel if they realised that he had spent the night, but soothed himself by recalling that they never checked on him unless he had done something wrong.

Finally, a raven haired woman walked over to them.

“Alexander, Magnus.” Maryse was as cool and emotionless as ever, calmly observing Magnus. The warlock didn’t even flinch under the glare, and Alec felt a pulse of admiration. “Please< come in.”

Magnus was stiff as he made his way inside, and Maryse dropped back to walk aside Alec as Robert took the lead. “Why were you waiting with a warlock?” She hissed, and Alec held steady. He knew she didn’t expect him to answer.

Jace, Clary, and Izzy were already waiting, and to Alec’s relief none of them commented on his late appearance. Jace didn’t meet his eyes, and Alec felt the cold flush of rejection from his parabatai. He returned the wave with a feeling of loneliness, and he noted Jace as he shifted slightly.

“Magnus, thank you for coming.” Lydia greeted the warlock passively, slightly uneasy but Alec chalked it up to slight nervousness. After all, they were meant to be getting married in a week.

“Pleasure to meet you Lydia, I’ve heard good things about you.” She looked slightly abashed.

“Thank you, please follow Izzy, she will guide you to the courtroom.” With a final fleeting glance at Alec, Magnus followed his sister. “Alec, do you mind if I speak to you for a moment?”

Alec followed his fiance to the side of the room. “I didn’t see you this morning, is everything alright?” She sounded genuinely concerned, and Alec nodded. “Good. Look, when this is over, can we talk properly?” Her eyes widened.

“Sorry I don’t mean-” Alec cut her off with a smile, he knew what she meant. “Oh, good. I’ll see you in my office when you’re ready then. Take your time.” Blue eyes flitted across to the hallway Magnus had gone down, and Alec realised she had noticed.

He blushed slightly, looking down as he waited for her to explain how she turned him in. “Alec, look at me.” Hands trembling, Alec obeyed, fearing the punishment would be made worse.

“Alec I’m not angry. It’s ok.” Her expression was soft and warm, corners of her mouth turning into a small smile. “I’m not going to turn you in, if I did you would have to do the same to me.”

Twitching, Alec stared at his fiance, astonished. With a jolt, he recalled the way she had looked at his sister when they first came in, and he admonished himself for being so blind. Despite himself he realised he was smiling slightly. Lydia returned it.

Brown met blue, before they followed the rest of the group. Alec stretched his shoulder blades, readying himself for an uncomfortable trial.

--- --- --- --- ---

“The trial of Meliorn versus the clave will now commence.” The court fell silent, and Alec brushed his shoulder against Izzy, but she didn’t break her focus on the seelie.

To Alec’s relief, the seelie looked unharmed. His face was unreadable. Magnus was settled beside him, a piercing brown gaze set on the silent brother leading the court.

Alec carefully avoided looking at the soul sword or the silent brother, worried that he wouldn’t be able to contain the memories that threatened to break to the surface. Every muscle in his body was tense against his will, and he reminded himself to breathe.

“Will the prosecution take the stand.” Lydia stepped forward, golden hair neat and organised. You wouldn’t think for a second that she had come out to Alec only moments ago. Settling herself on the stand, Lydia started talking.

“We have reason to believe that Meliorn is working alongside circle members, including valentine.” She began to list off various incidents, each more flimsy than the last. Alec couldn't relax, however, he knew how little it took to convince the clave of their enemies.

When it was Magnus’ turn, he stepped up to the soulsword. Alec didn’t miss how no shadowhunter had to do the same, clearly the clave believed their own to be unable to lie more than a seelie.

“I would like to argue that there is no substantial evidence of any connection between my client and Valentine. As you are aware, Seelies are unable to lie, and if you ask Meliorn he will be able to tell you himself that he has no connection with any circle members.”

On command, Meliorn did indeed confirm his innocence. Alec watched the silent brother intently, wondering whether he could read anything in that sewn closed face.

To further prove his point, Magnus retrieved several images and witness statements confirming that Meliorn couldn’t have been to any of the accused meetings.

The court was silent for a moment as the brothers deliberated, and Alec could feel Izzy shaking beside him. Stunned, he realised that it was actually his own shivering. He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. Surely the silent brothers could see what was so obvious.

At last, the silent brother addressed the court.

“All sides have provided their evidence. Under due consideration, we will not be imprisoning Meliorn for association with the circle, however we will be containing him for a further two weeks to corroborate the evidence provided.”

Alec bristled, and Magnus looked shocked.

“Can I guarantee that my client will receive no ill treatment during his stay in your care.” The warlock’s voice was tight, and Alec could feel Izzy’s rage from beside him.

“He will experience no harm. For his safety and the safety of our members he will remain in the whitespace for this time.”

At the word, the tight bowstring that had been holding Alec together snapped, and for a moment all he could see was white. His hands reached desperately for something to get hold of, and a thin wail of terror escaped his lips.

Gasping for air, Alec thrashed against the invisible hands holding him still, and a tight band wove around his neck, forcing him to the ground.

Hands pinned behind his back, Alec continued to fight, desperate to get away before the doors closed. He couldn’t go back there again, he would die before they took him. Trying to stand, a force pushed him back down, and Alec cried out in pain as his knees scraped on the rough floor.

Air got stuck in his throat, and Alec started to feel lightheaded from terror. His struggles were getting weaker, and he was distantly aware of his throat stinging from his screams of horror.

Then, the hands were gone. Barely seeing the world around him, Alec pressed his back into the nearest wall, and he realised it must be one of the pews. Alec forced himself to breathe, using every method he had to try and calm down.

He was not there, he could feel the uneven floor underneath his fingertips. A wave of magic surged over him and Alec began to feel his chest loosen. Once his panic had subsided a little more, he could hear voices.

“That is an abhorrent way to handle a panic attack! Don’t you dare do that again, you could have killed him! Now stay back and give me room to work.” The anger is replaced by softness. “Alec, you are safe, nobody is going to touch you. Just breathe.”

The terror was receding faster now, like a tide pulling back from the shore. Alec suspected that Magnus had something to do with that. He could feel wetness on his cheeks, and everything was aching and sore. Magnus continued to give orders.

“Jace, would you please get me some water. Izzy, could you help us get some privacy.” Footsteps thundered around him, and Alec felt the cold start to fade slightly. Something warm was wrapped around his shoulders.

Exhaustion caught up with Alec, and he felt it tugging at the corners of his consciousness. The memory of the trial swept over him, and Alec felt lightheaded. A soft hand rested on his cheek.

His ears continued buzzing, and Alec felt the beginnings of fear start to fight through the tiredness. Then another surge of magic hit him, and Alec felt his awareness start to fade as he drifted into unconsciousness.

Chapter Text

When Alec awoke to the mundane blue walls of his room, he wondered if he had somehow dreamt the last day. A quick glance around, eyes landing on a worried Izzy and Magnus, showed that this was not the case.

Alec was alarmed by the depth of the concern in their eyes. It had been a long time since he had a panic attack in front of anyone, let alone during a trial before the most important members of the institute.

With a silent groan, everything set in. the whole institute already knew he was the broken shadowhunter, and now they would see him as a pathetic coward who couldn’t keep his composure.

He dreaded to think of what his parents would say to him when they caught him alone. Already their voices pierced his ears. ‘Failure’ they whispered, ‘Useless’ they taunted.

Izzy was the first to break the silence.

“Thank the angel you’re awake, how are you feeling?” Alec felt a pinch of guilt at the question. She had been so stressed and now she had to deal with this too. His heart ached. Mutely he nodded, surprised by the glimmer of relief in her eyes.

“We were so worried! Before you ask, the trial is already over but Jace is talking to them. He thinks he can make sure they don’t put Meliorn in.... They don’t do anything rash.” Alec felt a wave of calm so powerful it made him lightheaded. He and Jace may have their arguments but he knew his parabatai would do his best.

Magnus, who had been scarcely more than a shadow in the room, suddenly drew forward.

“Alexander, are you sure you feel alright? I should have noticed sooner, I can't believe they did that to you.” The warlock’s voice broke slightly, and Alec took his hand without planning on moving.

Vaguely, Alec recalled the powerful grips that had taken him to the ground during his attack. His neck ached slightly, and he wondered whether it might leave bruises like last time.

The clave had never had much awareness of mental health issues. Growing up Alec had never even been aware that it was even a thing, it was kept silent if a shadowhunter had any lapse that might affect their work. To be ill, within an institute, was considered a sign of weakness.

As a result, there was no protocol in place for incidents like Alec, especially when he got into such a state that he was completely unaware of the world around him. When he had returned to the institute for the first time after his punishment, he had been so overwhelmed. It was then that they realised pinning him down prevented him hurting anyone else.

If he hurt himself, or got hurt during the restraining process, well that was his own business.

Since they realised, Alec did his best to avoid any situation that may lead to such an incident. He was so practiced that it had been over a year since the last one, and he felt choked by anger that he had broken his streak.

Rather than saying all this, Alec simply nodded to Magnus’ question.

“I don’t understand Alec, normally there are some warning signs when that is about to happen. Why didn’t you let me know?” Izzy sounded heartbroken. Alec knew that she meant well with the question, normally the fear came on slowly, unless it was from a dream.

Magnus’ eyes were shaded, and with a jolt Alec realised that the warlock was angry. The sudden change in emotion made Alec twitch, unused to seeing such passionate hatred in his beloved friends eyes.

“Unless you didn’t have the chance.” Alec wondered whether Magnus had meant to speak, or if he was even fully aware that they were there. A cold bubble of mixed anxiety and hope curled in Alec’s stomach.

He realised now, that Magnus was reliving the events of the day, making the link between the exact word that had set the shadowhunter off. It brought a strange and unfamiliar feeling of relief.

Alec had kept the secret of what happened for so long, without even truly knowing why he could never speak of it. Perhaps he had believed that saying it would make it more real, would make them see him as weak.

In a sense, it had been his only shield. If they knew, they could say what he could have done to avoid it, to change things. For as long as the pain was only his, it was almost a safety blanket.

That was where the anxiety came in, he supposed. The only people who knew were the silent brothers and his parents, and none of them had given an inch when he begged for mercy.

They didn’t even flinch as he tore out his own veins with his teeth like a rabid animal.

He watched Magnus warily, wondering how the warlock would react when he figured it out. Izzy’s face was awash with confusion and fear, as she looked between the two men. Alec didn’t blame her, Izzy was one of the most intelligent people he knew but she didn’t have the same emotional awareness as Magnus.

Alec could see the exact moment it clicked, as Magnus’ face contorted with pain and rage.

“Oh Alexander. I cant… I would never have believed they could be so cruel. Oh my dear Alexander I am so sorry.” Amber eyes gleamed in the half light with unchecked emotion, the warlock seemingly unable to control himself.

With a sharp pang, Alec realised that Magnus was trembling slightly, and suddenly he felt very uncertain. A part of him wanted to calm the warlock, but a bigger part drew scene after scene of the man realising how unfixable he was.

“Magnus? What are you talking about?” Izzy’s voice was shrill with fear, clearly as unnerved as Alec upon seeing the always collected warlock so overcome with horror.

In a split second, Magnus met Alec’s eyes. An unspoken question rang between them, as the warlock asked for the shadowhunter’s permission.

The world seemed to freeze. Alec was in awe of the tenderness, a kindness that he had barely ever experienced. Even in the height of distress, Magnus would wait for Alec to be ready.

Magnus was the first person that Alec had felt any connection with in longer than he cared to remember. In that moment, Alec realised that what he felt was stronger than just admiration. He could have laughed at the audacity of it, that a Lightwood could be in love with the high warlock of Brooklyn.

At the same time, it was no surprise. Deep down he had known it all along, that this wasn't the gentle wave of affection he shared with Izzy, or the hopeless devotion Alec had to his parabatai.

A while ago, he had wondered whether he had been in love with Jace, and perhaps he had, but it was nothing like this. Jace was everything to him, his brother and confidant. Jace loved him, in a way that only the golden shadowhunter could, he felt it everyday through their bond.

Alec loved him too, there was no doubt about that, but it had been from a place of inequality. He had adored his parabatai, held him on an impossible pedestal that Alec could have never hoped to reach.

With Magnus however, he felt at peace. Without words, they could share their affection and warmth. His heart thrilled at the mere thought of the beautiful man.

Breaking from the thought, Alec returned the gaze. He was ready now.

“The whitespace.” Izzy’s eyes narrowed, before going wide with horror.

“You don’t mean…” Unable to continue she slapped a hand over her mouth, choking back a cry of despair. Alec felt her eyes burn into him, and he shied away. Izzy broke into a sob. “All this time… I never even thought.”

Now that the secret was finally out, Alec felt free. There was no doubt in his mind that things were about to get far more complicated, but for the first time in years he didn’t have to be silent anymore.

It was like the clamp holding his tongue shattered to dust between his teeth. An invisible demon wrapped around his mind uncurled slightly, the loneliness that had never truly left easing its grip.

“Alexander, thank you.” Alec blinked, confused by Magnus’ words. He raised an eyebrow, and the warlock continued. “Thank you for trusting us with this information. I am honoured by your courage.”

That was not what he had anticipated. The raven haired shadowhunter had no idea how to respond, mouth agape with shock. Magnus had sounded so sincere. Izzy mirrored the downworlders expression.

“Alec, Magnus is right. I am so proud of you big brother.” Tears started to run down his cheeks, and Alec couldn’t hold back the sob of relief that broke from his throat. Izzy pulled him into a hug. “Thank you.” She whispered.

Once she let go, Magnus took Alec’s face in his hand, as gentle as he would be with the most fragile artwork. As the pair shared a look, no words needed to be exchanged.

For the first time in years, Alec didn’t feel alone.

--- --- --- --- ---

The parabatai rune burned on his side, strong enough to wake Alec from his thoughts. Initially Alec felt panic that his brother was being hurt, before he realised that this wasn’t physical pain. With a jolt he realised that Jace must know the truth.

Magnus and Izzy had left a little while ago, assuring Alec that he would not be disturbed. His sister had rekindled her spirit, now filled with the normal fiery determination that had been missing for the last few days. Magnus had been much the same, a shadow in his eyes that made him look so different from the man Alec recognised.

He trusted them to not lose control, but his chest tingled under the weight of their love of him. Exhausted laughter bubbled at the base of his neck, every inch of him trembling.

A thump at the door drew his attention. It was a pleasant change to his adopted brother's usual lack of consideration, more than once Alec had been naked when his brother kicked the door open.

With a creak, the light of the institute broke through the opening, and a golden head of hair poked through. Jace’s heterochromic eyes took in the space for a moment before they landed on Alec.

The dark haired man felt shy under the intense gaze, feeling a swirl of emotion from the bond they shared. Emotions changed so fast and with such little resistance that Alec couldn’t put a name to any of them.

Wordlessly, Jace crept over to the chair beside his bed. Alec watched cautiously, hoping that they weren't about to have another argument, well aware of his lack of energy. After a few moments, he felt a burst of concern. Jace had never been this silent.

Alec almost jumped when he finally spoke.

“I ran into Izzy, she told me what happened, what… what they did.” His voice was husky and low. “I should have been there for you.” A rush of all to familiar self loathing pushed through their bond, and Alec fiercely pushed back with warmth.

He had been thinking a lot since their argument, despite the pain it caused him. Alec wondered whether he could have done something different, but he wasn’t ashamed of it. Holding his chin high, he met Jace’s eyes.

His parabatai looked like he had been physically hurt, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes. Feeling braver than normal, Alec didn’t break away. With a churn of pride, he realised that he felt more like himself than he had since the punishment. He doubted he would ever go back to how he used to be, but the idea that he actually could start feeling different filled him with hope.

“I’m sorry.” Well that was a change, Alec didn’t think he could remember the last time his brother had actually apologised willingly. “I… you were right to turn me in to Lydia, I should have listened.”

“I know this doesn’t justify it, but when I met Clary it was like I could be someone else. She was so different to us, it was like she was from a different world, and I guess I got caught up in her needing me.”

Alec raised an eyebrow, and Jace continued. “When Maryse and Robert took me in, it was like I had been given a second chance. I didn’t think I was meant to be happy, but you made me believe that I was worth something, like I deserved it.”

“When Clary arrived, she was so alone, in a world that she didn’t know or understand. She was alone, and I know how terrifying that is. When she asked me for help, I could only think of how you took me in, and how you made me realise how wonderful life could be. I got caught up in the idea that I could give that to her.”

Jace chuckled slightly. “I wanted to be a hero, I wanted to be like you.” Alec couldn't believe what he was hearing. Jace, who had always been the golden boy, the pride and joy of his parents, had actually admired him.

Understanding flowed through his head. As painful as it was to feel his brother drifting away, he realised he could sympathise with Jace’s desire. Had someone come back from the whitespace, Alec could picture himself wanting to do the same.

It didn’t make everything right, but Alec couldn’t be upset anymore. The last tendrils of rejection and anger started to drop away, and he pushed a wave of warmth through their bond.

No matter what, they would always be brothers. They wouldn’t say and do the right thing every time, but Alec knew he would always trust his parabatai.

The black haired shadowhunter was baffled when Jace broke into another laugh, and Alec couldn’t help himself from mirroring it. He didn’t even know what was funny, but seeing Jace break into high pitched giggles never failed to make him join in.

After a minute or so the laughter trailed off into the occasional spasm, and Alec felt a surge of relief that he had his brother back.

“Maryse and Robert did this didn’t they.” It wasn’t a question. “I should have been there.” The golden haired boy looked strangely vulnerable. “When we were kids they would always compare us, and I didn’t try to stop them because it made me feel special, like I was doing something right.”

Alec glared at his brother. He would not allow Jace to blame himself for what he did as a child. Even when their parents punished Alec in his siblings stead, he never blamed them for it, even now he didn’t.

None of them had deserved it. Their parents had pitted them against each other, never thinking twice about how much it would hurt them. They punished Alec and relied on his silence, they insulted Izzy and shattered her confidence. They held Jace to standards he couldn’t reach, allowing him to feel worthless when he couldn’t reach them.

Jace shook his head. “I never answered back because I felt like I owed them for their kindness, but they’ve done far worse haven’t they?” He sounded fragile, as though he couldn’t comprehend the words he was saying.

Alec pulled his parabatai into a hug, needing to comfort him. Jace sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m sorry Alec, I shouldn’t cry when I know what they’ve done but I...” He broke off, and Alec hugged tighter.

Jace had glorified their parents, seen them as heroes. In a matter of moments, all of that admiration and respect had been torn away. Alec’s heart clenched. It must feel like Jace was losing another person he loved.

Alec held his brother as he sobbed. When their eyes met, Alec could see the deep pain Jace tried so hard to keep down. “I know I haven’t been the best parabatai lately, but I will never give up on you Alec. Where thou goest, I will go, we will deal with this together, no matter what comes our way.”

Touched by his brother's kindness, Alec felt a wave of emotion so powerful that he could barely contain it, and he blinked meaningfully in return. Jace understood his message, he always did.

For the first time in weeks, the pair were able to relax in the comfortable silence that followed.

Chapter Text

Alec summoned the courage to leave his room again a few hours after he and Jace spoke. Some of the shadowhunters watched him warily, as though they expected him to lose control at any moment, but Alec did his best to ignore them. He made his way to Lydia’s office, keeping one eye open for his parents.

His parents would normally think twice about disciplining him in the presence of others, but Alec doubted they would have the restraint.

Lydia opened the door almost as soon as he rapped his fingers against the old oak wood, offering a warm smile. Obeying her beckoning gesture, he settled in one of the seats. His muscles were tight with anticipatory tension.

“Are you feeling better?” Her voice was devoid of any mocking tone, and Alec nodded stiffly. “Not the best situation, but I believe that was the first time i heard your voice. Despite the circumstances it was nice.”

Alec shifted uncomfortably, not sure how to handle what he assumed to be a compliment. He gave a tight lipped polite nod, and Lydia averted her gaze.

“My apologies, I can't say I know much about… what happened there.” Her eyes darkened. “Is it true what they are saying? That you were…” Her voice broke off, and Alec ignored the faint buzzing in favour of nodding. Lydia paled for a moment.

“Perhaps this is a conversation for later. In the meantime we have more pressing concerns.” Alec blinked. “This wedding, it’s not right for either of us.” The man wondered if he ought to try and disagree but he couldn’t bring himself to argue.

Lydia’s expression was unreadable for a moment, before hardening with determination. “I will be the one to deal with this.” The words made Alec jolt, tongue burning with questions. “Don’t argue with me.” She froze him with a look.

“You may be a Lightwood but I am the current head of the institute. It’s my choice, and I am not going to change my mind. You have dealt with quite enough from Mr and Mrs Lightwood, and even if we aren't meant to get married you are still my friend. I will not throw you to the wolves.”

Alec felt equally ashamed and relieved. The institute already perceived him to be a coward, so he supposed it would hardly make a difference.

“I assure you Alec, I am well aware that you could handle this easily, but I am the one who is calling the engagement off.” The raven haired shadowhunter reached across the desk tentatively, taking her hand in his. To his relief, she understood.

“We make quite a pair don’t we.” Her tone was light, and Alec found himself feeling slightly lighter knowing that she wasn’t angry with him. Mutual or not, his brain had a nasty habit of making anything that didn’t work exactly as planned his fault.

“I can't say that there won't be fallout over this.” Alec hoped his face reflected his emotions. Things would never be that easy, not in their world. Despite himself, he had already made his peace with what was going to happen. Lightwoods broke noses and dealt with the consequences.

The pair stayed in silence for a few moments after that, content in each other's company.

--- --- --- --- ---

As expected, Robert had some harsh words for Alec when they saw each other next, which was somewhat better than Maryse’s cold refusal to even acknowledge his presence. The feeling of isolation was not unfamiliar, bringing up terrible feelings he longed to forget.

Lydia had made the announcement the day after their conversation that she would be stepping down as temporary head of the institute. Fortunately, she wasn’t too upset, relieved to return to her home.

More of note was the hushed rumours spreading around the institute. Whispers of his parents being brought in for questioning about their previous relationship with Valentine and their treatment of the shadowhunters under their rule.

A false sense of loyalty tugged at Alec’s heartstrings, but the burning anger from his parabatai rune grounded him. Jace and Izzy barely spoke a word to their parents after they discovered the truth.

Their unconditional support had come as a surprise, after years of his parents ordering him to stay silent. All those years he had been convinced they would abandon him if they realised quite how broken he was, they had accepted him.

He grew accustomed to the glances of sadness and anger cast his way, but it was never directed at him. After the initial shock had died down, even his fellow shadowhunters had slowly changed from viewing him with discomfort to pity.

Whether that was an improvement was debatable, but there was a certain freedom to it.

Clary had been the one who seemed to take it the hardest oddly, and she carefully avoided him for several days. Jace had barely left his side since it happened, and the glimmer of envy in her eyes was familiar.

--- --- --- --- ---

The quiet noise of her footsteps alerted him to her arrival on the training deck. Alec watched her cautiously for a moment. It was well past midnight, most of the institute was asleep and he had taken the chance to get some exercise away from their prying eyes.

Used to slipping away in the shadows, going unnoticed in the corner of rooms, the sudden change had been hard to deal with. Alec preferred the peace of the night, when he could be alone with his thoughts.

Ironically, it was Jace who he had been avoiding more than anyone. His parabatai was almost unbearably present at the moment. It was a good change, compared to how it had been when Clary first showed up, but it was starting to get annoying.

Through their bond he could feel the regret and guilt resonating within Jace’s heart. Sometimes it became so strong that it was stifling.

More than anything, Alec found himself wishing for things to go back to normal, and he could have laughed at the irony. It seemed that change and he would never have an easy relationship.

Clary was watching him in turn, and Alec found himself feeling oddly protective of her. He would have to make sure he got rid of that before it got any worse, but that look was too familiar.

The way she watched Jace with sad eyes, the looks that she thought nobody would notice. Perhaps, Alec realised, they had more in common than he would be willing to admit when it came to his brother.

“Mind if I join you?” Alec nodded tersely, pulling his focus back to his bow and arrow. The weight was as comforting in his hands as ever. He shot another bullseye, heart trilling with overshadowed victory.

Clary fumbled with the angel blade for several moments, more graceful than she had been but not nearly good enough. Alec watched out of the corner of his eye for a few moments before it became too much.

Waiting for her nod of permission, he gently altered her wrist position. She was still too stiff and uncertain in her movements, looking like she would shatter like glass. In the new position, she gave a testing swing. Alec nodded approvingly when she met his eyes again.

She opened her mouth to speak, but caught herself before she made a noise, and Alec looked at her pleadingly. What he wouldn’t do for someone to just speak to him normally.

“I really turned your world upside down didn’t I?” Alec cocked his head, uncertain. “I saw the way you looked at Jace, the way you looked at everyone. I felt so out of place that I barely even paid attention to how it would make you feel.”

“My world was turned upside down by… all of this. I’ve never felt so alone and scared and like I don’t belong, and it was easier to let them save me than to think about it.” Alec felt like he was frozen to the floor.

“Now Jace had just… forgotten about me entirely.” Her voice was choked off by a sob, and Alec felt his heart clench. Before he could stop himself, he pulled her into a hug.

To Clary’s credit, she seemed equally surprised, frozen for several seconds before she returned the gesture. “I’m sorry.” Alec held her tighter.

Alec felt the last of the jealousy he had felt toward her burn away like mist in the sun.

At last they let go, and Clary wiped away her tears.

“Did they really do that to you? I had to look up what it was, and I can't…” She paused for a moment. “I felt like I was going mad when I realised my mum was gone, I can't even imagine how that must have been.” Alec could taste the memory of blood on his tongue and buzzing in his ears, blinking to dissipate it.

Instead he looked away, lifting his bow to fire another arrow into the target, biting his cheek. Clary seemed to get her answer.

“Do you think you’re ever going to talk again?” Alec blanched, his aim skewing and the arrow hitting the backboard. He gave her a glare, and Clary flinched slightly, but didn’t back down.

Alec wanted to be angry but he had asked himself the same question. In truth he didn’t know, he thought that he might want to but it wasn’t that easy. It had been so long he didn’t know if he could anymore, not properly.

His mind filled with clouds, and he took a breath to clear them. He realised that perhaps he would never know. Magnus’ voice echoed in his thoughts. Would the warlock still be interested in him if he never recovered? Surely he would see that Alec was completely broken, inside and out and realise that he was so much better.

Clary touching his shoulder jerked him back to the present.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I was just thinking that in the mundane world we have a thing called sign language. You don’t have to of course, but the least I can do is let you know.”

Alec considered her proposal. He had heard of it before, plenty of times, but it had never been an option in his mind. The tendrils holding him in time tightened threateningly, but Alec found it easier than he ever had to push them away.

Maybe if everything around him was changing, he could too.

--- --- --- --- ---

Alec had to admit that he had been nervous to see Magnus again, mind going over every word of their last conversation. It had been well over a week since they last spoke, and Alec had felt like he was missing a part of himself.

Would Magnus still value his ‘courage’? He hesitated at the door, only for it to open before he made a choice.

“Alexander.” Magnus was just as beautiful as ever, every part of him as ethereal as it had ever been. His voice was like a chiming bell, and before Alec could stop himself he rushed forward and hugged the warlock.

Remembering himself, he jumped back awkwardly, cheeks burning with humiliation. Magus only laughed.

“Relax my dear, I am happy to see you as well.” Alec dared to meet his stunning eyes, glittering with the golden fire of the sun. “I was starting to worry that you had forgotten about me.” Alec shook his head vigorously. As if he ever could.

With a lazy flick of his hand, Magnus presented Alec with a hot chocolate, and Alec felt unshed tears sting the back of his eyes. The one act of kindness, perfectly anticipating what he needed, was more than his heart could take.

A gentle hand pressed his shoulder blades and led him to the couch.

“I can't say how happy I am to see you Alec.” The shadowhunter blinked away the tears and allowed himself to take in the beauty of the man before him.

The tender moment was broken by a loud caterwaul as Chairman realised who was there. Both men jumped at the abrupt sound, as the cat ran over and wound himself around Alec’s legs.

They blinked in shock for a moment before Alec found himself unable to hold back a choked laugh, Magnus joining him moments after. A wave of fondness overwhelmed his heart.

“So I hear that you’re a single man now.” It wasn’t a question, and Alec felt his heart flutter in his chest as he nodded. “Well, it if isn’t too soon I would love it if you would consider perhaps going out with me at some point.”

The warlock sounded suddenly unsure, and Alec had to review the words several times before he fully registered what had been said. Stiffly, he pointed at himself, shellshocked. Magnus rolled his eyes.

“Of course with you, there's nobody else here is there? Unless you count Chairman, but I think he already has a favourite.” The cat purred in agreement. Alec blinked, still taken aback.

“You don’t have to of course!” Magnus quickly amended, eyes glittering. Alec’s chest felt tight with emotion, and for once he didn’t restrain himself, grabbing Magnus’ collar and pulling him into a kiss.

For a few all too fleeting seconds everything in the world clicked into place, as Magnus returned the kiss. Hesitant at first, but growing more confident. They broke apart, and Alec felt lightheaded.

“Shall I take that as a yes then?” Alec rolled his eyes and tapped Magnus in a joking punch, only for the warlock to laugh. Anxiety sparked in his chest, and Alec felt his cheeks burn with shame.

Maguns’ eyes widened in alarm. “Are you alright Alexander?” Alec looked away, covering his hand with his mouth and making a slicing gesture at his neck. Magnus blinked.

“Are you referring to you not speaking?” Alec nodded, heart aching. He didn’t dare meet the older man’s eyes, waiting for the warlock to speak again.

“Alexander, you do not need to speak for me to know what you are saying. I feel that I understand you more in a single gesture than I do in another's thousands of words.” Alec was sure he stopped breathing.

“You could never say a word, and I would be happy to spend as many nights as you will allow me to with you. You have awoken something in me Alexander, something I didn’t think I would ever feel again. Love comes in more languages than you could ever imagine Alexander.”

His voice was endlessly gentle and soothing, and Alec found the courage to meet his eyes again. They were liquid gold. “Not once have you judged me for these, how could I for something about you either?”

The couple shared a profound look for a while longer, before Chairman decided to make himself known again, pouncing onto the sofa between them. A grey paw dabbed at Alec’s hand.

There was no buzzing this time, Alec realised. His mind felt clear for the first time in his life, and he wondered whether anything could ever be as perfect as these few seconds.

Against the backlight of the streetlights, Magnus was haloed in white, and Alec decided that not all white was bad. Not this time.

Chapter Text

Hi all!

So I just wanted to say a few things. I’m planning on rewriting big parts of this, because I’m not happy with the ending I gave it. It won’t be instant, I have a few others that I am rewriting first, but I will get to it.

I won’t be deleting all parts of this, but I’m sure you can see areas that need improvement. I was new to writing an actual story as opposed to a one shot, and in truth I lost passion for the story part way through.

I appreciate all comments I have received, and I will probably post it separately. It’s ok to make mistakes and mess things up the first time around, and I hope y’all will enjoy any future updates!