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Jihoon is a blazing fire. His flames flare up uncontrollably that Junkyu fears he gets burned along with it.
But Jihoon projects his flames to practice. Sweat-drenched shirts, wet hair, and shallow breaths show his fiery passion for performing. Honey lemon tea is his go to drink after hours and hours of vocal practice. Junkyu's thighs are his pillow on nights when he's too exhausted to even lie in a proper bed.
He is passionate. Junkyu can see that. The main producer can see that. Everyone can see that.
But why does it seem like it will never be enough?
Junkyu sees the way Jihoon's shoulders tense up as the producer gives him a warning. Junkyu could almost see the flickering flames, attempting to die out.
But Jihoon keeps his flames burning.
Every night he stays later than everyone else. He practices way harder than anyone else and Junkyu can't help but express his concern for his best friend.
"Park Jihoon. Don't push yourself too hard. You might compromise your health in the process." Even Junkyu finds it strange to speak his thoughts out. He cares. But he rarely ever pokes his nose into other's business or openly speak his thoughts.
Jihoon doesn't seem to notice the nuance, too focused on figuring out a way to make his knees pop out sharply for the dance. He doesn't reply to Junkyu. Either he missed it or he just wants to avoid the topic altogether, Junkyu doesn't know.
But Junkyu's not having any of this right now.
"Park Jihoon. I'm talking to you." He says this in a stern, almost scary, tone that Jihoon turned to him with a start. His surprise is evident on his face. Junkyu doesn't blame him. Even he's surprised with himself.
Jihoon stares at him in shock for a few seconds before sighing.
"Kyu, I can't afford to take it easy now. I am in danger of being kicked out, you know that. I can't let that happen." Jihoon said with so much exhaustion in his voice.
But I don't want your embers to burn out. Junkyu wanted to say but kept it within his head.
"I know that. I'm just worried, Jihoon-ah. You've been missing so much sleep and you don't even eat enough meals anymore. We can't have a zombie idol, can we?" Junkyu teased in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere.
Jihoon just shrugged. "I have to work hard, Kyu. And it's not just because I don't want to be dropped."
Junkyu waited for him to continue but nothing came. Instead, he went down on the floor, leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.
Junkyu followed suit, squatting side by side with Jihoon on the floor.
A few minutes of silence ensued with only the sound of Jihoon's heavy breathing after a tiring round of practice and Junkyu's tapping on the wooden floor heard.
"I'm scared, Kyu." Jihoon suddenly blurted out.
"Of getting dropped? Of course you are."
"No, not just that. Just..."
Silence.
Jihoon let out a huge sigh. "I'm scared of what comes after. Not about whether I'll be able to debut or not. But because I'm afraid I don't know what to do if I ever get dropped. Performing is all I've ever known, Kyu. I don't know what I'll be doing if that gets taken away from me. And I know I can still find ways to perform somewhere else but... I don't want to go somewhere else."
"If you say it's because you want to perform with me I'm gonna smack you. That's so cheesy Park Jihoon."
Jihoon lets out a small laugh. "Well, you're not exactly wrong. But with the others too. And besides, I'm working hard because I don't want to get dropped. Because if I get dropped, that would mean I'm really not improving. That's going to take a toll on my self-esteem, I just know it. I know it will and I know it can never amount to good things so I don't want it to happen in the first place."
"I want to prove to myself that I can do it right now. Not later. Not after I get kicked out."
And right then, Junkyu understood. He understood that Jihoon's flames burned too bright. Too bright that he doesn't know what to do if it dies out. He became too used to the blazing flames, he doesn't know how to deal with otherwise. And so to keep himself safe, his core warm, he keeps on fanning his flames.
Practice, practice, practice.
Practice to ignite the flames even brighter. Practice to let the coals glow. Practice to keep the fire burning with newly added embers every time.
The realization dawned on Junkyu, leaving tears welling up in his eyes. Without a word, he moved to engulf Jihoon in a tight hug.
Jihoon was obviously baffled but returned the embrace nonetheless.
Junkyu gulped and willed the unshed tears welling up in his eyes to go back to wherever they come from.
"I understand. So please don't let it die."
Jihoon let out a confused hum but nodded anyway, too used to Junkyu's random bouts of spouting confusing words.
Is Junkyu selfish for asking that? Maybe.
Because he understood too.
He understood that because Jihoon glowed and burned so bright, he got used to light that he emits, the warmth he offers and the fire he ignites in others.
Junkyu suddenly can't picture himself without the fire.