Chapter Text
INT. STAGE SET -EVENING
Red and green curtains. There is tinsel involved.
ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Ladies and gentlemonsters. It's the
annual "Monster Prom Holiday
Special"!
The curtains are pulled back, to the sound of clapping.
Musical fanfare plays as we see Brian standing on
centre-stage in a tuxedo, hands clasped together. He is
standing on a set resembling a wintery wonderland.
FADE TO
Close-up on Brian. He begins to sing a song, and the lyrics
to the song show up on the screen below his face.
BRIAN
~Deez nutz roasting on an open
fire...~
INTRO
TITLE CARD
==========
ACT 1
EXT. BEACH -DAYTIME
A tropical beach on a bright, sunny day. People in
swimsuits, beach balls, the whole deal. The words: "DECEMBER
23" show up on the screen. It's supposed to be funny because
it's not cold, but this'll get less funny as climate change
ruins everything. But at least 12 dudes got to waste their
mortgages on hideous monkey jpgs.
PAN RIGHT
On the beach, resting on one of those long beach chair
things under an umbrella is Vera Oberlin. She is on her
phone. She is wearing a one-piece bathing suit with a very
thin, transparent blouse thing tied at her waist. It's not
meant to be risque, but if Oz saw her wearing it, he'd
probably jizz so hard he'd fly off into space.
VERA
No, DiMarco! DiMarco, listen to me:
The promos for "Shark Rectum" need
to go up BEFORE the new year!
BEAT
VERA
Because that slot's already filled
with reruns of "The Racist Family"!
BEAT
VERA
No, I don't know why the people
prefer the racist cartoon at the
start of the new year. But that's
when the most eyes are on our
network after the holidays! This
network's spent too much money
funding that docu-series about
shark anuses! We can't let it get
lost in the post-Christmas
dead-zone!
VALERIE(V.O.)
You're doing a lot of Maxin', but
not a lot of Relaxin'.
CUT TO
Valerie in a 'kini, holding onto a beach ball, standing over
Vera.
VERA
DiMarco, I can't put out all of
your fires on my vacation.
She hangs up.
VALERIE
Come on, you spent all of our
birthday on your phone.
Their father shows up in a t-shirt and swim-shorts. The
t-shirt probably has a pun on it or something, to catch the
eyes of tourists. Maybe "It's not CAN'Tcun!". Because
they're in Cancun.
GAVEN
Is everything alright?
VALERIE
(sing-song)
~Veeeeee's grumpin' it UP.
VERA
I am not!
GAVEN
Anything we can do to help? Do you
wanna bury me up to my head in the
sand, and then sculpt the sand
around me to make it look like I'm
a beautiful mermaid?
VERA
No.
GAVEN
(saddened)
Aww...
VALERIE
She's probably mad you didn't get
her a BIGGER island.
VERA
I'm not mad about the birthday
gift! It's fine. It's great!
GAVEN
Is something else troubling you?
VERA
No...
She said, before an uncomfortable, drawn-out silence.
BEAT
Yeah there it is. Beat.
GAVEN
Well, if you ever wanna talk, we're
here, alright?
Valerie and Gaven give Vera some space so they can play
volleyball. With a beach ball. I don't know if that means
it's still called volleyball or not.
CUT TO
Vera, looking troubled, in spite of saying nothing else was
troubling her.
CUT TO
Vera in the distance, under her beach umbrella thing.
ZOOM OUT
Two suspicious looking guys overheard her conversation.
They're rough, mean-lookin' dudes. A taller, heavier-lookin'
guy with piercings in unconventional places, and a smaller,
paler, mustache'd guy.
STREET TOUGH 1
You hear that? They bought an
ISLAND.
STREET TOUGH 2
And no security detail. This could
be just what we're looking for...
Suspicious bad guy music plays, while they size up what they
see as easy prey. Like to show these bad dudes are up to no
good. And not even "saving the president's daughter" levels
of Bad Dudes.
The shorter one strokes his large mustache, menacingly...
CUT TO
EXT. SHOPPING MALL -AFTERNOON
Back to Monstropolis. The shopping mall during a snowy day
in December. The cars in the parking lot are packed. The
cars are stacked ON TOP of each other.
CUT TO
INT. SHOPPING MALL -AFTERNOON
Many people. Hordes of ravenous shoppers. Like a
Christmas-themed Hieronymus Bosch painting.
CUT TO
Vicky, Brian, Amira and Oz. They are struggling to make
their way through the herd. They stop in front of a store
where there's some elbow room. They are wearing scarves and
other winter-clothing that fit their colour schemes.
VICKY
Holy smokes! It's so crowded in
here!
AMIRA
That's what happens when you wait
until December twenty-third to go
Christmas shopping.
BRIAN
-Xmas- shopping.
AMIRA
What's the difference?
BRIAN
The X makes it sound "X-treme".
OZ
Christmas is the religious one,
Xmas is the capitalist one.
VICKY
Xmas is for everyone! Anyone can
buy stuff for each other in
December. And more importantly,
anyone can buy ME stuff in
December.
AMIRA
Well do it earlier next time! Or
don't make me come with ya to The
Trampling.
VICKY
This was the only time we were all
free to come!
BRIAN
Who are we getting stuff for?
VICKY
Each other!
OZ
Each other?
VICKY
Let's have a look around, and if
there's something you like, we'll
buy it for you! But try to keep it
under twenty dollars.
OZ
What can we get here that's less
than twenty dollars?
AMIRA
We can get escorted out by mall
security.
CUT TO
The inside of a store's display, looking out into the mall.
Brian peers in, looking at the items on display, hunched
over to get a better look. He takes his time. Vicky picks up
on this.
BRIAN
(muffled by the glass
window)
What do you guys think The Coven
would want?
CUT TO
Back in the mall proper, so their voices aren't muffled.
AMIRA
I dunno. Do they even celebrate
Xmas?
OZ
Isn't this holiday descended from
Pagan stuff? Witches love Pagan
stuff.
AMIRA
Witch, please.
OZ
(groans)
That was awful.
AMIRA
Don't pretend you didn't like it.
VICKY
Brian, you've hung out with them
more than any of us. You probably
know them better than we do.
BRIAN
Yeah, but you know what girls want
as gifts better than I do.
AMIRA
If you're going after Hope or
Faith, you're barking up the wrong
tree.
BRIAN
I'm not trying to romance them! And
yeah, I know, Hope and Faith are
together.
OZ
What about Joy?
BRIAN
What about her?
VICKY
Are you... Interested in her?
BRIAN
I've already got a date to the
prom. Miranda.
BEAT
AMIRA
(sly)
...That ain't what she's askin'.
BRIAN
She's probably with a guy she's
into already. Besides, she protects
the living, she wouldn't want to go
out with a dead guy.
BEAT
AMIRA
(sly-er)
...That's not what I've heard.
VICKY
Amira!
AMIRA
I'm not judging! She knows what she
wants.
BRIAN
I think we're just...
Acquaintances.
AMIRA
Don't tell me you're one of those
"friend-zone" losers.
OZ
What's wrong with the Friend Zone?
VICKY
That's where Friends are!
BRIAN
Yeah, and I need to get a gift that
doesn't make it seem like I'm
pushing for something else. What's
a good gift that says: "Friends
WITHOUT benefits"?
VICKY
Hmm... Maybe you could invite them
all over dinner?
OZ
Like a date?
VICKY
No. Like a family get-together.
OZ
That still sounds like a date. Like
"meeting the parents".
VICKY
Oh.
BRIAN
Maybe I could make 'em something?
OZ
What about getting them some Funko
Pops?
BRIAN
What about getting them diarrhea?
OZ
Not the kind you get in a store!
Customized! Funko Pops OF the
Coven!
AMIRA
Heh, make the tall one short and
the short one tall, just to fuck
with 'em.
BASSAM(V.O.)
Fuck with who?
AMIRA
OH NO...
VICKY
What is it?
Amira looks behind her and sees something she wished she
hadn't.
CUT TO
Three young people who look related to Amira have overheard
Amira, and make their way out of the crowd of shoppers.
Bassam, Chandi and Deniz.
Bassam is a tall, buff 20-year old, who looks straight out
of the early 2000's, except he has "hair" made out of rocks.
Even his thick browline is rock-like. He has a wry smirk,
contrasting his sturdy, stone-like demeanor.Chandi is 18-years old, snootier and has a head-scarf
made out of wind. She is the shortest of them all, with
a more expressive face than her older brother.And Deniz is the youngest, but still taller than Chandi. He
is thinner than Bassam, and has polygonal ice formations
resembling one of those emo haircuts.
BASSAM
Yo, Ammy! Who're they? Your
OnlyFans subscribers?
AMIRA
OH MY GOD, SHUT UP BASSAM!
BRIAN
Who's the gym/tan/laundry bro?
VICKY
Yeah, who are they?
AMIRA
God, I was hoping this would never
happen.
CHANDI
You didn't tell them about us?
DENIZ
Your own brothers and sister? After
all we've done for you.
AMIRA
YOU PUSHED ME INTO A TANK FULL OF
PIRANHAS!
CHANDI
Yeah, but one time you weren't
nice, so that balances it out, I
think.
VICKY
They seem... What's a nice word for
not-nice?
BASSAM
Thirty-Seven.
BEAT
The Colour Crew consider this number.
OZ
...Why Thirty-Seven?
DENIZ
Because it's not as nice as
Sixty-Nine.
BASSAM
NOICE.
AMIRA
What are you even doing here??
DENIZ
We're here getting Mom and Dad Xmas
gifts. You know, since YOU forgot.
AMIRA
We don't even celebrate Christmas!!
CHANDI
No, XMAS.
DENIZ
The X makes it sound "X-treme".
Chandi pulls out her phone and calls someone.
AMIRA
Who are you calling?
CHANDI
Mom and Dad.
AMIRA
What? Why?
CHANDI
Hey, Mom! I'm at the mall with
Bassam, Deniz and Amira. I was just
checking in on you and letting you
know we're okay because we love
you.
VICKY
Aww...
Vicky clasps her hands and rests her cheek on them. I don't
know if that pose has a name. She stops and returns to a
regular standing pose.
VICKY
Wait.
CHANDI
Yeah, Amira's here. She's here with
her friends. They're smoking.
AMIRA
OH MY GOD, CHANDI!
Amira then struggles physically with Chandi to get her phone
away.
CHANDI
(quickly)
And she invited all of her friends
to dinner tonight and they probably
sell drugs BYE MOM!
Chandi hangs up.
AMIRA
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
A flash of light. Bassam has taken a photo of Amira at her
angriest.
BASSAM
Hah! Got her right at Peak Pissed!
CUT TO
Bassam's phone, showing a photo of an unflattering split
second of Amira being angy. That's not a typo by accident, I
just like the way "angy" sounds.
CUT TO
Back to the siblings, gathered around to look at the picture
on Bassam' phone.
DENIZ
Hah, yeah, you got it right when
her nostril flares!
CHANDI
She definitely has the pig-nose
thing when she's pissed.
DENIZ
Post it online!
A fireball WHOOSHes past Chandi and Deniz! I LOOKED up an
actual screenplay, and a lot of the WORDS were CAPITALIZED!
At strange TIMES! Is that NORMAL? For SCREENPLAYS?
The two of Amira's siblings barely manage to lean back and
away from the path of the flame.
CHANDI
Whoa!
CUT TO
Amira, readying another fireball in her right hand, rage
erupting out of her eye-sockets. Vicky is behind her and to
her side, gingerly about to approach.
VICKY
Amira?
Amira turns around, her hair now immolating the ceiling of
the shopping mall.
AMIRA
WHAT?!!
Amira scares Vicky so much that Vicky tries her best to
become as small as possible.
VICKY
Eep! I uhh... Maybe we should
leave?
BASSAM
Yeah well, we were just leavin'
anyway.
DENIZ
See you later tonight!
Bassam elbows him, harshly.
DENIZ
Uhh... Jerks.
The three siblings head back into the crowd, which did not
disperse even during Amira's eruption. Such is the ravenous
appetite for consumerism.
CUT TO
Amira huffing and puffing, and her three friends unsure of
what to say or do next. Afraid of setting off another
explosion.
BEAT
BRIAN
...WOW.
VICKY
Amira... I don't know what to say.
AMIRA
Then DON'T.
OZ
Why are they like that??
AMIRA
Because our parents are worse. And
they can't take it out on them, so
they take it out on me.
BRIAN
Why you in particular?
AMIRA
I'm the oldest.
VICKY
Why put up with that?
AMIRA
You think I PUT UP with that shit?!
You think we haven't all beat the
shit out of each other over the
years??
BRIAN
Then why didn't you do that here?
AMIRA
Because...
BEAT
AMIRA
Forget it.
OZ
Well, looks like we've got
somewhere to be tonight.
AMIRA
No!
VICKY
Why not?
AMIRA
I don't want you guys getting
caught in the insanity of my home
life!
VICKY
But if we don't go, you'll be there
alone with them!
AMIRA
I've done that for almost twenty
years.
OZ
That doesn't mean you have to.
AMIRA
Look, it's MY family. It's my
problem, I'll deal with it on my
own.
Amira walks away, hands in her coat pockets. She pushes
people out of her way in the crowd. Vicky, Brian and Oz
watch her walk away.
BRIAN
...You're gonna show up at her
house later, aren't you?
VICKY
No. WE are going to show up at her
house later!
OZ
But she said NOT to do that.
VICKY
You saw how they treated her! She
needs back-up! That'll be our gift
for her this year!
OZ
The gift of not respecting her
wishes?
VICKY
The gift of US!
BRIAN
That is way less than $20.
VICKY
We should come up with things to
talk about at dinner, stuff that'll
impress Amira's family.
OZ
We could learn about their cultures
and customs.
BRIAN
Eh, just make an 80's reference.
People love those.
CUT TO
Giant, triumphant words appear on screen during a quick
musical number. Stars flying, sparks, tons of shit. Vicky
and Brian pop up in round cut-outs to announce their lines.
It's almost "Laugh-In"-esque.
Wait, is there anyone still alive who knows what the hell
Rowan & Martin's "Laugh-In" is??
SONG
~80'S REFERENCE!
VICKY
~Make the audience feel old!
SONG
~80's REFERENCE!
BRIAN
Striking that iron while it's...
cold.
CUT TO
INT. SHOPPING MALL -AFTERNOON
The three of them.
BEAT
OZ
...What the heck just happened?
VICKY
No time to think about that, let's
buy stuff! What should we get
Amira's family?
BRIAN
I'll get something I like. I'm sure
they have the same opinions I do.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 1 END
==========
ACT 2
EXT. MARKETPLACE -DAY
The Oberlins are in a crowded marketplace near the hotel
they're staying at on their vacation. There are many
tourists and people who live there and work there. Because
it's close to the Hotels, they're generally upscale to look
good for the purposes of tourism. It's not like a seedy
Bazaar in a vaguely racist post-Aladdin cartoon. The only
downside is that would probably have more of an authentic
personality than a tourist-trap. But Vera Oberlin sure as
fuck wouldn't travel just to go somewhere a poor person
might exist.
Vera is observing a stall containing ornaments and
knick-knacks. Boredly scanning for something to buy, but
nothing catches her attention. Her father approaches.
GAVEN
Hey, Vera!
VERA
Oh. Hi Dad.
Vera looks to his side and sees... Nothing.
VERA
Where's Val?
GAVEN
She set up a stall.
VERA
Ah.
GAVEN
What'cha lookin' for?
VERA
I don't know. Looking for something
you'd like.
GAVEN
Aww, that's nice of you.
VERA
I never know what to get you,
though! You can afford anything.
GAVEN
Aww, it doesn't matter what it is.
VERA
It does, though! Nothing here's
gonna compare to getting me an
island!
GAVEN
It's not MY birthday.
VERA
Well... It's almost Xmas.
GAVEN
That's what this trip is for! The
best gift I could ask for is
spending time with my family.
VERA
...I'm not really living up to that
if I spend the whole trip over here
being moody.
GAVEN
Vera, you're not ruining this
vacation. And you're not in debt to
me. Okay?
Gaven's well-meaning sincerity does not dissuade Vera. But
she responds anyway.
VERA
...Okay.
GAVEN
Alright, I'm gonna go over there
now.
VERA
Alright. I'll keep looking around
here.
GAVEN
See you back at the hotel, Sweetie.
Oh! If you're shopping, maybe keep
an eye out for something Valerie
would like.
VERA
Okay.
Gaven heads to historic national landmark Over There. It's
got a sign and souvenirs and everything.
CUT TO
Vera. She continues looking around for something to
purchase. Something catches her attention. She nearly walks
out of the shot on the left side, when she doubles back to
take a closer look at something on display.
CUT TO
A large "sugar skull" decoration. It is painted to resemble
something by Louis Wain, when his cat paintings got
seriously fucked-up. But in a cool way. It's not cool that
he suffered from mental illness, I'm saying the dude made
some rad art. In spite of his troubles.
CUT TO
Vera.
VERA
...That is so stupid-looking.
BEAT
VERA
He'd love it... Or she'd love it.
Damn it, which one do I-
STREET TOUGH 2(V.O.)
Attention, everyone!
The sound of the guy shouting grabs Vera's attention.
CUT TO
The mustachioed Street Tough Guy from earlier. He is now
standing in the middle of the market, waving his arms and
legs. He is creating a commotion.
STREET TOUGH 2
I am NOT a distraction!
The crowd of people(including Vera) who noticed this are
relieved. They say things like:
ONLOOKER 1
That's a relief.
And:
ONLOOKER 2
I thought he was a distraction, but
he wasn't.
CUT TO
Vera. But OH NO! The larger Street Tough grabs her
mouth from behind and pulls her into a nearby alley.
SUSPENSE!
CUT TO
INT. HIDEOUT -DAY
In a grungey-looking hideout away from the bustle of the
crowds, the two Street Toughs are there with a captured
Vera. She is tied up to a chair. The Street Tough with the
mustache approaches her, while the bigger one is to her
side.
STREET TOUGH 2
Caught you! You fell for our trap!
CUT TO
The mustache'd one.
STREET TOUGH 2
You thought I wasn't a distraction.
All thanks to my brilliant
disguise!
He removes his fake mustache revealing... A full beard! And
another mustache!
CUT TO
Wide shot of the three of them. The shocking music sting
fades.
BEAT
VERA
...How did that give you MORE
facial hair?
STREET TOUGH 2
I'll ask the questions around here!
Word is on the street that you and
your family are rich. I bet they'd
pay a pretty penny for your safe
return.
VERA
..."Rich"? Do you even know who I
am??
STREET TOUGH 2
You're our meal-ticket out of this
hell-hole.
VERA
Oh, poor you, living in a tropical
paradise.
STREET TOUGH 1
There's a lot you don't know about
this place.
VERA
Like WHAT?
STREET TOUGH 1
It's only SEMI-tropical!
Dun-dun-DUUUUUUN!
VERA
That's my phone.
STREET TOUGH 2
Your ring-tone is "Dun-dun-duuuun"?
VERA
No! That's my text alert.
The now-bearded goon has Vera's phone. He checks it to see a
text from Valerie.
STREET TOUGH 2
"Valerie"'s saying she and your
Daddy are heading back to the
hotel. I'm gonna give 'em a quick
call. Tell 'em if they wanna see
you alive again, they're gonna have
to pay up.
STREET TOUGH 1
How much?
STREET TOUGH 2
TEN MILLION DOLLARS!
VERA
TEN MILLION DOLLARS?! You son of a
BITCH!
BEAT
VERA
I'm worth more than THAT!
STREET TOUGH 2
What?
VERA
I'm the daughter of a BILLIONAIRE!
I wouldn't wipe my ASS with ten
mil!
STREET TOUGH 1
I thought you had solid gold toilet
paper.
VERA
What? That would be TERRIBLE.
STREET TOUGH 2
Why?
VERA
Because gold is really heavy. My
workout routine involves lifting
bags of gold. Look, demand a bigger
number than ten million!
By now, whatever suspenseful music had played before has
ceased. The tone is considerably less foreboding because of
it.
STREET TOUGH 2
Alright, alright! Geeze. Okay, so
I'll ask him for... What, fifty
million?
VERA
No, no, you START with an absurdly
high number.
STREET TOUGH 1
Like infinity-jillion dollars?
VERA
Too high. But you start off high
and then they low-ball you. You
keep lowering your price and they
keep raising theirs, and eventually
you meet in the middle. It's called
haggling.
STREET TOUGH 2
But I want ALL the money I want
right now!
VERA
And you get NOTHING if the deal
falls through! Gosh, it's like
you've never kidnapped and held
someone for ransom before!
The bearded Street Tough groans in frustration.
CUT TO
EXT. RASHID RESIDENCE -EVENING
A doorbell rings. A door opens. A blue Frankengirl, a green
Zimbo and a whatever-the-fuck Oz is are standing on the
front steps. Vicky, Brian and Oz have all brought ceramic
bowls containing food.
CUT TO
Deniz at the front door.
DENIZ
Oh... Hey, you made it.
VICKY
Of course we did! We're honoured to
meet Amira's family!
DENIZ
She'll be surpissed.
BRIAN
Don't you mean "Surprised"?
DENIZ
Oh you'll see. Come on in.
Deniz enters the house, back turned to them.
CUT TO
Vicky, Oz and Brian walking into the house.
OZ
I didn't know what to make. I
brought Pork Vindaloo.
VICKY
Oz, they're Muslim. They can't
touch that!
ZOOM IN
Oz stops in his tracks. Eyes wide. Pants about to be
surpissed. Scary realization music sting happens.
OZ
Uh-oh.
CUT TO
INT. RASHID RESIDENCE DINING ROOM -EVENING
The Rashid family is seated at their dining room table.
Amira is nowhere to be seen. Her siblings, however, are VERY
excited that they have arrived. Mostly because it means they
can annoy and embarrass Amira more.
BASSAM
Awwww shiiiiit!
CHANDI
Wow, I didn't think they'd show up.
MRS. RASHID
You said they were coming over. Why
wouldn't they show up?
CHANDI
Oh... Uhh... Right. Yeah. Heh.
Chandi looks away. Nervous.
CUT TO
Deniz, Vicky, Brian and Oz. Oz is the farthest back, near
the still-open front door.
DENIZ
Hey, that smells interesting. What
is it?
Deniz points to Oz's offering in his hands. Oz suddenly
POINTS!
OZ
Look! A diversion!
BASSAM
Where? WHERE?!
Everyone looks in the direction Oz pointed.
Oz throws the ceramic bowl out the front door as hard as he
can. He quickly puts his hands behind his back, while the
sound of breaking ceramic occurs outside.
BEAT
VICKY
Anyway, we're Amira's friends! It's
great to meet you all!
BRIAN
We brought several foods.
CUT TO
Amira's parents at one side of the dining room table.
Foreboding music plays as Amira's father reacts to this.
SLOW ZOOM IN
MR. RASHID
Oh. You brought food. During our
sacred time of fasting. Insulting
our struggle and our customs.
Mocking our hunger and devotion by
flaunting something we cannot have.
CUT TO
Vicky and Brian now looking as terrified as Oz. At the
realization that they have greatly insulted their hosts. The
music stops, leaving them in an awkward silence louder than
a scream.
BEAT
BRIAN
Uhhhh....
CUT TO
Mr and Mrs. Rashid.
MR. RASHID
HAH! I'm just pulling your leg.
Ramadan was in May.
MRS. RASHID
Zaeem, come on, they're trying.
Mr. Rashid gets up from his chair to greet Amira's friends.
CUT TO
Him doing that, but over where they are. He bows lightly to
Vicky.
MR. RASHID
I have heard very little about any
of you. Just that you are
drug-dealers.
VICKY
I promise we are not drug-dealers,
Mr. Rashid.
Mr. Rashid goes to shake Brian's hand until he sees he is a
zombie.
MR. RASHID
Oh... Umm...
BRIAN
Is it a... Religious thing?
MR. RASHID
No, I just...
CHANDI(V.O.)
He doesn't wanna turn into a
zombie.
MRS. RASHID
CHANDI! Don't be rude! Zaeem, he's
not a leper!
BRIAN
It's fine, forget it.
MR. RASHID
No, no, I apologize.
He extends his hand out again. Vicky sidles up to Brian.
VICKY
(whispers)
Do it for Amira!
BRIAN
(groans)
Alright.
He begrudgingly shakes Mr. Rashid's hand. Neither are
comfortable. Then Mr. Rashid steps over to Oz to shake his
hand. Oz, realizing he handled Pork Vindaloo recently
panics, shooting his hands straight up.
OZ
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!
Shot-reverse shot of The Rashid family, Vicky and Brian are
left speechless, and Oz, hands in the air.
BEAT
OZ
Bathroom?
DENIZ
Upstairs, second door on the left.
OZ
Thank you!
Oz flees up the stairs, arms still raised above his head,
trying not to touch ANYTHING.
CUT TO
Amira walking to the stairs, and seeing a frantic Oz
running up the stairs.
AMIRA
Oz?! What the hell are YOU doing in
my house?!
OZ
Don't touch me! I'm UNCLEAN!!
Oz finds the bathroom door open, enters and closes the door
behind him with his foot. Amira observes this, and makes the
quiet realization that if Oz is here, then the rest of the
Colour Crew must be downstairs. She puts her face in her
palm.
AMIRA
UGH...
CUT TO
The downstairs. Wait, should I have specified specific parts
of the house in the "INT. PLACE- TIME" header? I guess that
would be the thing to do if this was a shooting script. But
this isn't one of those. This is still fan-fiction, it's
just sort of flavoured like a screenplay. I bet it's
equally-frustrating to both people who know how to read
screenplays and people who don't. I guess it doesn't matter,
it's not like some famous Hollywood hotshot is going to be
reading my fan-fic and hire me on the spot to adapt Monster
Prom to the small screen. I'm pretty much the only one
holding myself to any standards, so-
OH SHIT, right, the story!
INT. RASHID RESIDENCE DINING ROOM -EVENING
Amira's back to the screen on the right side, with her
family and two of her friends sitting down at the dining
room table.
MRS. RASHID
(condescendingly)
Oh, look who decided to join her
family for dinner!
AMIRA
What are you guys doing here?
CHANDI
Uhh, we LIVE here?
AMIRA
Not YOU!
VICKY
We were invited, and we wanted to
come!
BASSAM
Haha, "come".
MRS. RASHID
Bassam!
AMIRA
You guys didnt have to co-.
BEAT
AMIRA
To show up. In fact, I told you
guys NOT to!
BRIAN
Well, we're here.
VICKY
We're all here.
AMIRA
Yeah, yeah, I saw him upstairs.
CUT TO
INT. RASHID RESIDENCE BATHROOM -EVENING
Oz is attempting to wash his hands without touching any
surface with his hands. He awkwardly tries to turn on the
sink faucet with his feet. He looks like he is about to
perform the dumbest-looking karate move. He is able to burn
his foot with the scalding hot water he's turned on with the
sink.
OZ
GyAOW!
Isn't this funny? A thing happened! It wasn't the thing the
characters would have preferred to happen! COMEDY!!
He uses his hands to keep from falling down. His hands touch
the sides of the sink. He panics.
CUT TO
Close up of him panicking. Lots of fast anime speed-lines.
OZ
OH NO!!
He then attempts to wash the sides of the sink with the
soap.
OZ
Oh no. How do I clean SOAP??
CUT TO
INT. RASHID RESIDENCE DINING ROOM -EVENING
AMIRA
Okay but why are you guys here?
BRIAN
We were invited and we like you, so
we're here.
AMIRA
(groans)
Amira sits down in her seat.
BASSAM
Yasmine, where's the lamb?
AMIRA
Don't call Mom by her first name!
BASSAM
What should I do, call her someone
ELSE's name??
BRIAN
"Supreme Commander".
MRS. RASHID
...I like that.
VICKY
..."Lamb"??
CHANDI
What, you don't like lamb?
VICKY
...Baby sheep.
Vicky is very D': about this.
CHANDI
Do you eat beef? Or chicken?
VICKY
Oh no! All of the delicious things
are also ADORABLE! Why can't there
be an ugly animal that's tasty?!
BASSAM
Pigs are ugly and gross.
Amira had been Not Participating in the discussion, just
trying to quickly and quietly eat to she can leave sooner.
AMIRA
No they're not.
BASSAM
They're only good when they're pork
jerky.
MR. RASHID
You're not supposed to eat that!
BASSAM
Whatever, it tastes good! I'm not
gonna go to Hell for a snack!
CHANDI
I'm not gonna eat pork, but I'm
pretty sure that whole "unclean"
thing is from a time before health
safety standards.
DENIZ
It probably wouldn't be a rule in a
Post-Bacon world.
VICKY
Yeah, and piggies are cute!
AMIRA
You tell 'em!
MR. RASHID
Pigs are disgusting.
Vicky pulls out her phone and searches for an image.
VICKY
Look at this little oinker in the
eye and tell him he's "disgusting".
The Rashid family lean in to look at Vicky's phone.
CUT TO
Vicky's phone. And an image of a tiny piglet who is sniffing
a flower in a field, the grass nearly taller than it. The
angle makes it look like the little piggy is smiling and
happy to be a small piggy in a field with a flower.
CUT TO
The Rashids looking at the photo.
BEAT
MRS. RASHID
...I would die for that little
oinker.
MR. RASHID
Alright fine, they're cute! I'm
still not gonna eat them or touch
them. Just in case.
BRIAN
Kinda reminds me of how cows are
sacred in India. They don't eat
them either, but that's out of
respect.
BASSAM
Yeah, well, we're not Indian.
AMIRA
We're Black and Djinn.
DENIZ
Eh, Amira only likes pigs because
of Tepig.
CHANDI
The WORST starter.
AMIRA
Uhh, I think you mean BEST.
DENIZ
It's a pig, which we've just
established is... Gross/cute?
AMIRA
It's cute as hell! Literally.
BRIAN
Because it's fire-themed.
AMIRA
See, he gets it. And then it turns
into a big, strong fire dude!
VICKY
Unless it's a female.
AMIRA
Oh yeah. Mine was a dude, so I
associate Tepig with... Being a
dude.
BRIAN
You and Damien make more sense
every day.
MRS. RASHID
Who is "Damien"?
VICKY
Her boyfriend.
CUT TO
Vicky and Brian see the shocked faces of Amira's parents,
and then start to feel Amira's gaze to their side. They turn
and realize they have made an oopsie. Their fear is
palpable.
CUT TO
Mr. And Mrs. Rashid.
MRS. RASHID
A boyfriend??
MR. RASHID
You know the rules of this house!
No dating boys until you're
married!
AMIRA
You're not mad about Bassam's
girlfriend!
MR. RASHID
Don't change the subject.
MRS. RASHID
Maybe the reason she's like this is
because this boy is a bad
influence.
CUT TO
Vicky sitting up. She is about to try and defend Amira and
Damien from this claim.
VICKY
That's...!
BEAT
Vicky sits back down.
VICKY
Well...
CUT TO
Amira's parents.
MR. RASHID
I KNEW we should have taken her out
of that school! Now it's too late,
because I forgot why we didn't.
MRS. RASHID
Something about... Giving me fifty
dollars?
CUT TO
Vicky, Brian and Amira.
VICKY
Hey, Amira's boyfriend is... A
top-notch guy!
BRIAN
(whispers)
"Top-notch guy"?
CHANDI
He's a serial killer.
AMIRA
Vicky, don't bother-
VICKY
Amira's boyfriend is so good and
reputable, that seeing him will
instantly make you respect her
more!
AMIRA
Wha-?
VICKY
IN FACT HE'S HERE TONIGHT!
MR. RASHID
Oh? And where is he?
VICKY
He... Uhh...
A door opens upstairs. The sound of footsteps clomping down
the stairs. Everyone in the dining room looks to the stairs
to see...
CUT TO
OZ! And he is covered head-to-toe in cleaning supplies.
Mask, rubber gloves, hair-net, etc. He smells of chemicals.
OZ
Alright, I'm back. My name's not
"Explosive Diarrhea" by the way.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2 END
==========
ACT 3
INT. RASHID RESIDENCE DINING ROOM -EVENING
The Colour Crew and the Rashid family are in the dining
room, looking at Oz.
OZ
So, what'd I miss?
Vicky lunges up next to him.
VICKY
DAMIEN! It's good that you're back
to have dinner with your
GIRLFRIEND!
She smiles intensely at the Rashids.
OZ
What? My name's not-
Vicky elbows him in his side.
OZ
Ow! My name's not-
Vicky elbows him in his side.
OZ
Ow! My name's-
Vicky pushes him toward the open seat next to Amira. The
camera focuses on whoever is speaking.
OZ
WHA-!
MR. RASHID
So, you are this "Damien" I've
heard so much about?
MRS. RASHID
Amira, if you were going to bring a
boy to dinner, couldn't you have at
least worn something presentable?
OZ
"Presentable"?
CHANDI
Sayin' she looks like a slut.
BASSAM
Hah!
MR. RASHID
You could have at least worn a
head-scarf!
BRIAN
How would she even do that?
Her head is literally on fire.
CHANDI
I wore a headscarf. Out of my wind.
MRS. RASHID
Thank you, dearie.
CUT TO
Amira, who pushes the table away from her, getting up out of
her seat. Without saying a word, she storms out the front
door and slams it behind her.
CUT TO
Vicky, Brian and Oz, having watched her leave. Oz tries not
to make any waves, quietly trying to eat dinner.
OZ
Uhh... So. How about the 80's,
am I right?
BEAT
OZ
This food looks nice.
He takes a bite.
OZ
Oh no.
His feeble taste buds are no match. His face contorts like a
cheap photoshop filter. His eyes and nostrils begin to
leak.
OZ
What was in that?
DENIZ
Salt.
OZ
BAFROOM-!
Oz gets out of his seat and runs up the stairs again.
MRS. RASHID
(sighs)
I'm sorry about my eldest. It's
always some drama with her.
Vicky has decided she has had enough of this. She tries to
do the same "push herself away from the table" thing Amira
did, which looked very impressive and dramatic to her. But
instead Vicky falls backwards with her chair.
VICKY
WHA-!
Brian observes her below the table. Then she gets up, dusts
herself off and says:
VICKY
Thanks for the meal.
She says it in a not-really grateful way. Showing she's mad
at how they treat each other and Amira. Then she stamps out
of the house. She's too small to storm out with the strength
of Amira, but she tries anyway.
CUT TO
The dining room, now with only the Rashid family and Brian.
It is quite awkward.
BRIAN
Uhhh... Aren't any of you gonna go
look for her?
MR. RASHID
She's always like this. Even when
she was a child.
CUT TO
Flashback to Amira as a young child, arguing with her
father.
MR. RASHID
Go to your room!
AMIRA
Whatever, DAD!
ZOOM OUT
She then becomes an orange mist that flies into a nearby
lamp. Like a magic lamp. It looks sort of like reversed
footage of a tea kettle, with the steam retreating into the
spout.
CUT TO
Back to the present.
BRIAN
Wait, she doesn't have a room?
CHANDI
Bassam, Deniz and I have our own
rooms. But we don't need 'em, 'cuz
we have our lamps.
BRIAN
What about Amira?
BASSAM
When Deniz popped out, Mom and Dad
gave her room to him.
BRIAN
The... Room he didn't need, and
that none of you need?
CHANDI
Her lamp's in the broom closet, she
doesn't need a big room.
MRS. RASHID
She's the oldest.
BRIAN
...Sooooo?
MR. RASHID
So she has to take responsibility
for raising her siblings.
CUT TO
Brian, close-up. Finally, even he has reached his limits.
Even his chill has run out. He tries to do the "push away
from the table thing".
CUT TO
Side shot of Brian pushing THE TABLE forward. He forgets his
own strength. This startles the Rashid family, and their
drinks and food almost spill.
BRIAN
Oops.
BASSAM
Where're YOU going?
BRIAN
Bathroom.
DENIZ
The other one's in there.
BRIAN
I know.
The camera lingers on Brian, who is formulating an idea.
His "I'm hatching a plan" face and the appropriate music
for this is interrupted.
DENIZ
You can't both poop in
there at the same time!
Don't ask how I know,
but trust me.
CUT TO
EXT. SIDEWALK -EVENING
Vicky rushing out of the Rashid household. The sun has
nearly set, which makes finding Amira easy, since her
hair-fire glows. Because fire. Fire hot. Me write good.
Amira has stopped walking away from her house, which makes
catching up to her even easier for Vicky.
VICKY
Amira, wait!
AMIRA
I'm already waiting! You see me
walkin'?
VICKY
Oh.
AMIRA
I told you guys not to show up.
VICKY
I thought it'd help to have us
there backing you up.
AMIRA
It just gave them three more people
to talk shit about me to.
VICKY
Amira, why do you put up with this?
AMIRA
I don't "put up" with it!
VICKY
Then why do you stay with them??
AMIRA
I CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE OUT!!
CUT TO
Wide shot of the two of them on the sidewalk. Pause for
dramatic effect.
BEAT
CUT TO
Shot-reverse-shot between Vicky and Amira.
VICKY
Oh... Geeze.
AMIRA
I haven't been able to find a job.
Lots of discrimination.
VICKY
Are you sure it's not because you
set fires with your head?
AMIRA
No, it's 'cuz I'm Black. I lost a job
to a white guy that was
SCREAMING and on fire.
VICKY
Amira, what're you gonna do?
AMIRA
I DON'T KNOW! If I can't get a job,
I can't afford to move out.
CUT TO
Brian and Oz show up behind Vicky.
BRIAN
Hey.
VICKY
You guys left already?
BRIAN
I don't wanna be in a house with
those assholes. No offense.
OZ
I allllso think... Bad.
Oz's face is no longer a vortex.
VICKY
You're okay now, Oz?
OZ
(sluggish)
BeMNadriiil.
He sways and swerves, giving a thumbs-up.
BRIAN
Yeah, I don't think you should live
there anymore.
AMIRA
What the hell am I supposed to do?
It's either them or being homeless!
VICKY
Have you asked Damien if you can
move in with him?
AMIRA
Nah. He's visiting his Dads in Hell
before I could ask him.
CUT TO
INT. HELL -HELL O'CLOCK
Damien showing his Dads the joys of beating up a Cagatio, or
"Shitting Log". Liam is also there. And also I don't know
what the time-zone would be in Hell.
CUT TO
EXT. SIDEWALK -EVENING
AMIRA
Besides, I don't think it would
work. He ain't big on commitment.
VICKY
You really think he wouldn't?
AMIRA
I think he's a grown man, but he
still thinks he's a kid. He's not
ready. Doesn't matter.
OZ
(drowsy)
Yerrr fillings Matt.
VICKY
Oz is right! I think. You shouldn't
have to put up with your relatives
treating you like that.
AMIRA
It's not bad enough to just leave
though.
VICKY
Yes it is!
AMIRA
It's not like they abused me.
BRIAN
What went on in there was a LOT of
abuse.
AMIRA
I mean like... Physical. I don't
think I can just leave unless it's
THAT bad.
VICKY
Did they give you that idea?
AMIRA
...Well... My lamp is there, and it
has all of my stuff, so-
CUT TO
Brian, pulling Amira's lamp out from his jacket!
CUT TO
Amira looking at it in shock.
CUT TO
Brian and Oz.
BRIAN
Merry Xmas.
CUT TO
Amira. Uncertain.
AMIRA
...It... It can't be that easy.
Where would I stay tonight? What'll
I do tomorrow?
OZ
(drowsy)
Whhuuuutever you want.
Oz points at Amira. Then he points at her again. He
keeps pointing. He points another time. It's possible
he keeps dozing off and forgetting he already
pointed.
CUT TO
Amira and Vicky. Vicky puts her hand on Amira's arm.
SLOW ZOOM
Amira gets misty-eyed. A swelling of relief and fear and
uncertainty. The enormity of her future in front of her.
AMIRA
(sniffs)
You dork-asses.
CUT TO
Brian, holding the lamp out in front him with his hands, to
Amira. Amira holds it in her hands. She has held it
countless times before, and now it is the lightest it's ever
felt. But then a familiar pressure returns.
AMIRA
What about...?
VICKY
Your siblings aren't made of tissue
paper. Maybe they'll finally get
their acts together, now that they
don't have you to take out their
issues on.
BRIAN
They can sink or learn to swim
without you.
VICKY
Come on, you can stay at my house,
while you figure out what you wanna
do next.
CUT TO
Wide shot of them walking together, away from the Rashid
house.
CUT TO
Shot of the four of them walking toward the "camera", but
the camera is also moving with them. So they don't just bump
into it. There's not actually a camera there.
BEAT
VICKY
Hey, Amira?
AMIRA
Yeah?
VICKY
Are you... Religious?
AMIRA
Hmm... Not really, no. There's a
lot of beautiful stuff about Islam,
but it's just not for me. I hope
you guys don't have a bad
opinion about it just because...
of Them.
BRIAN
Is that maybe why your folks are
like that to ya?
AMIRA
It's lots of stuff. But yeah,
probably. They think I'm
deliberately betraying them or
dishonouring them, but... I've
never needed it. I think it'd be
worse to pretend for their sake.
VICKY
Yeah, people think something has to
be sacred for EVERYONE if it's
sacred to them.
AMIRA
Ehh, I think they're just mad that
it looks bad for them. But that's
their problem, not mine. Or maybe
they thought I was abandoning them.
BRIAN
Nah, you had it right before.
You're leaving because they let YOU
down. Not the other way around.
Amira stops walking. Vicky and Brian notice and stop. Oz,
still in a Benadryl-induced haze keeps stumbling forward,
until Brian grabs his sleeve.
Something itches in the back of Amira's mind.
AMIRA
...Why'd you guys to this for me?
VICKY
Uhh, because we like you?
AMIRA
Why, though? I haven't made life
easy for any of you. When's the
last time I did anything this nice
for you guys?
VICKY
Nobody deserves what you've had to
live with.
OZ
(drowsy)
Maybe without all them... Bads. Can
good. Now. I am REALLY tired.
VICKY
I think he means: maybe now you'll
have the energy and willpower to be
a better person. Now that you don't
have to deal with... All THAT.
BRIAN
I mean... It's not like you owe us.
OZ
I know what I said.
BRIAN
What did you say?
OZ
I forgor.*
VICKY
We'll be there for each other. Or
here. Wherever.
CUT TO
Amira, face on the brink of exploding from several emotions.
CUT TO
Amira giving an enormous group hug to the rest of the Colour
Crew. They take a moment to enjoy it. But then Brian's hair
starts to catch on fire, due to being close to Amira's fire
hair.
BRIAN
Uhh, Amira?
AMIRA
Just one more second.
CUT TO
EXT. THE SKY -DAYTIME
A private plane flying in the sky during the day. I don't
know if that would be before or after the Monstropolis
stuff.
CUT TO
INT. PRIVATE JET -DAYTIME
Valerie sitting in her seat, counting her sales from the
vacation.
PAN RIGHT
Vera Oberlin is sitting in a seat next to her, looking out
the window.
BEAT
VALERIE
So... Wanna talk about it?
VERA
About what?
VALERIE
Where you were yesterday?
Vera thinks back to the previous day's events.
CUT TO
INT. HIDEOUT -EVENING
Flashback to the hideout, where Vera has somehow taken over
their operations. Vera is at a desk on the phone, in the
hideout, while the two Street Toughs are taking notes and
attending to her needs like secretaries or assistants.
VERA
DeStephano, DeStephano, listen! You
get those bootleg Shark Rectum
souvenirs at the front of the
stalls! Tourists need to be in
arm's reach of them as soon as they
step off the planes!
BEAT
VERA
I KNOW the sugar skulls are your
best selling product, that's why
you gotta set them aside! Let
people miss them. You'll get a
surge in sales for their
"triumphant return"!
Vera sips her coffee. She gags and coughs.
VERA
Eugh! I told you THREE sugars! Not
one, not two, THREE! What is this,
Amateur Hour?
CUT TO
The bearded Street Tough, who has had enough.
STREET TOUGH 2
Wait a minute! How did we let this
happen?? Give me one reason why we
shouldn't chop off one of your
snakes and send it in the mail to
Daddy!
CUT TO
Vera, slow zoom in. She shows a brief glimpse of uncertainty
and dread. What will she do? The camera stops.
VERA
WAIT! What if... I give you my
island.
STREET TOUGH 1
Huh?
VERA
You guys said you wanted a ticket
out of this hell-hole, right? You
could move your whole organization
there! No laws!
CUT TO
Wide shot of the two Street Toughs hearing this, and then
considering it. Hands rubbing chins in contemplation.
CUT TO
INT. PRIVATE JET -DAYTIME
Back to the present, or whenever I decided the Oberlins
would be on their plane. I had like six weeks to plan this
chapter, and here I am just sort of winging it at the last
minute.
VALERIE
Looks like Dad's gift came in
handy.
VERA
Mmm-hmm.
VALERIE
And I made a killing selling off
all that bootleg "Shark Rectum"
merch.
VERA
Good work, "DeStephano".
While Valerie is counting the fat stacks, Vera smiles to
herself, satisfied.
VALERIE
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
snuggle this pile of money like
it's my dragon hoard.
She does.
CUT TO
Gaven, emerging from the bathroom.
GAVEN
Oof. Maybe give it a few minutes in
there.
CUT TO
Vera, seeing her father.
VERA
Dad!
She gets up out of her seat, and does something unexpected:
she gives him a big hug. As big as she can.
GAVEN
Whoa, hey!
VERA
Thanks for the gift, Dad. It was
perfect.
GAVEN
Oh. Hey, I'm glad you liked it.
She lets go.
VERA
I'm sorry if I've been a drag
lately.
GAVEN
Sweetie, you haven't been "a drag".
I'm worried about you. It really
seems like there's something
troubling you.
VERA
I've been thinking about... past
holidays. And... well...
CUT TO
INT. OBERLIN HOME -MORNING
Flashback: A younger Gaven watches as a six-year-old Vera
rips open the wrapping paper of a previous gift.
GAVEN
Merry Xmas, Sweet Vee! I got you...
A living, talking, solid gold pony!
Vera regards the Solid Gold Living Pony. The Pony regards
her, in all its' wondrous majesty. Vera then immediately
starts thrashing and screaming in a temper tantrum!
KID VERA
I wanted a solid gold UNICORN!!!
AAAAAGHGHGHGH!!!#!!11
Xmas decorations are tossed, broken and smashed in her tiny
fury. Gaven, young Valerie and the Pony can only watch on in
horror, as Vera shrieks in a way that only a spoiled little
girl can.
CUT TO
INT. PRIVATE JET -DAYTIME
Vera, face in her hands, crushed by the weight of
embarrassment and shame from her past.
VERA
Ughhh...
GAVEN
Vera... You were a CHILD. That was
YEARS ago. You gotta forgive
yourself for that.
VERA
If I do, then it'll be like I got
away with it! After all you did for
me and Val. Everything you've done
to give us a loving home, and to
make sure we never want for
anything. And I exploded. If anyone
else treated you like that, I'd
hate their GUTS...
CUT TO
Gaven. He takes in what he's just heard. He scratches the
back of his head, and exhales.
GAVEN
That was... a hard day. But seeing
you beat yourself up over it is
even harder.
Vera is still distraught.
CUT TO
Valerie, on her hoard, observing this.
VERA(V.O.)
How can you love someone who
treated you THAT badly? And how am
I supposed to forgive myself for
BEING the one who did that?
Valerie's mischievous smirk is gone. Not even the allure of
ALL of the monies is enough to distract from her sister's
emotional peril.
CUT TO
Gaven and Vera.
GAVEN
Vera, let me show you something:
Gaven takes out his phone.
GAVEN
Val, come here, I want you to see
this too.
CUT TO
Close-up of Gaven's phone. He swipes through vacation photos
taken over the last few days. All of them show Vera and
Valerie genuinely enjoying the time they've spent. Visiting
landmarks and such. Several moments of them enjoying a
scenic view, or maybe Gaven wearing a gigantic sombrero.
GAVEN(V.O.)
I know you worry you've been making
this vacation worse. But I promise
you, you're not. And just to prove
the little naysayer inside you
wrong, I make sure to catalogue
when you two are enjoying
yourselves.
CUT TO
Vera and Valerie looking at the photos. The camera cuts back
and forth between them and Gaven.
VERA
Wow...
VALERIE
Actual documentation of Vee NOT
grumpin' it up!
GAVEN
You were wondering what to get me
this year. Well, honestly, just
seeing you two happy is the best
Xmas gift I could ask for.
VERA
...Even though I-?
VALERIE
Do you see anyone else here? Dad
and Me only hang out with The BEST.
Valerie puts her hand on Vera's shoulder. Vera wipes her
eyes with her fingers. Some of her inner wounds salved. Not
just aware that she is loved, but truly feeling it.
VERA
Thank you. For the gift, for...
Everything.
CUT TO
The Oberlins in a group hug.
BEAT
GAVEN
Oh, hey! I think we're about to fly
over your island!
CUT TO
The outside of one of the windows of the plane. Vera and
Valerie look out through it down to the Earth below.
VERA
Oh yeah, there it is.
VALERIE
...There's a lot more polar bears
than I remember.
VERA
Well, they gotta go somewhere.
CUT TO
Inside the plane, looking behind at Vera and Valerie.
VALERIE
What'll they eat?
VERA
Anyone stupid enough to move there.
ZOOM OUT
Gaven takes another photo on his phone, of his two daughters
sharing a moment.
ACT 3 END
==========
CUT TO CREDITS