Archive of Our Own ^beta

It wasn’t that Viktor thought about trivial things like affection very much. He was always busy, constantly fighting to earn his place. He didn't have the time to dwell on it, or the luxury to trust anyone to give it to him. 

He was almost certain it hadn’t crossed his mind at all in years until Jayce came along. They were partners now, chasing after the same dream. 

But Jayce was… still something to get used to. He was Viktor’s opposite- larger than life, charismatic, and proud- all smiles and smooth-talking during meetings while Viktor hung back in silence. Jayce was sure of himself, chasing after his dream with bright eyes, never once questioning his place in the world. 

Not until Viktor found him on the ledge, the night they’d properly met. 

The spark in his eyes had been relit since the two of them had started Hextech together, determined to change the world, to help people and make a difference. 

Jayce valued Viktor’s ideas and input, always treating him like an equal, always seeming to cherish his company while they worked. Viktor felt safe with Jayce and that was… that was another thing to get used to. 

Jayce could take up an entire room if he really wanted to, command any crowd with his voice alone, but when it was just the two of them he never rose up to his full height, never raised his voice, never tried to overshadow his quieter partner. Sometimes it felt like everything he did was for Viktor’s eyes only.

 Jayce could tower over Viktor, talk over him with ease, silence him, look down on him like an outsider, like vermin that wandered up from the Undercity, just like most everybody else. But he didn’t. He never did. His voice was quiet around Viktor, smiles soft and real, hours of conversation and theorizing and planning coming easy to them both. Viktor had never felt so relaxed with anyone in his life. Jayce didn’t see the sickly boy from the Undercity that had gotten lucky by some miracle and wormed his way into the academy. He just saw Viktor.  And something about that made Viktor feel lightheaded in a way that definitely breached the boundaries of their strictly professional relationship. 

Not that Jayce was particularly professional. He was very… touchy, Viktor had noticed. He’d touch people’s shoulders and arms in passing, a large hand on their backs when squeezing past. Hugs and embraces came easy, Jayce always open with his affection like it was second nature. 

Well. Second nature with everyone except Viktor. 

He knew it was nothing personal. Rationally, he did know that. Jayce didn’t find him unsettling or repulsive like everyone else who had deemed him nothing but an outcast from the Undercity. It had been Viktor’s own fault, flinching away with fear in his eyes the first time Jayce had reached out. 

It had just been the two of them in their lab, exhausted and weary in the late hours, Viktor’s shoulders stiff as he hunched over his notes, pouring over his own messy scrawl for the hundredth time, bouncing ideas off his partner. And Jayce had made a gesture, something slow and casual just to touch his the other man’s hand, and Viktor had flinched back like Jayce had raised a fist to strike him, body reacting without his permission. 

He was frozen for what felt like an eternity, shoulders hunched as he held his breath, wide eyes flickering from Jayce’s hand, still hovering in the air, to his eyes. 

Jayce’s face fell, just for a second, before he plastered on an apologetic smile and quickly retracted his hand. 

“Sorry,” he said simply, like he understood. He wasn’t pushing, wasn’t making it a big deal, and Viktor was grateful for the escape. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. What were you saying?” 

Viktor cleared his throat, willing his frantic heartbeat to slow, hastily composing himself before speaking again. If Jayce noticed the slight tremor in his voice, the way he couldn’t make eye contact for the rest of the night, he was courteous enough not to say anything. 

But now here Viktor was, thinking about something ridiculous like touch when it had never been an issue before. 

It wasn’t like he’d never been touched before. Quite the opposite- it was nearly impossible to go through life in the Undercity without getting roughed up at least a little, a poor cripple always an easy target. 

But he supposed things like physical affection, casual touches with no intention to hurt, were strikingly absent in the Undercity. At least, they had been for Viktor. And there was even less of it when he came to Piltover. No more being mugged on the street, grabbed and shoved to the floor as soon as he let his guard down, but the people at the academy had been stiff and proper, nobody interested in doing something as uncleanly as touching a cripple from Zaun who had gotten out by some stroke of ridiculous luck. 

So maybe Viktor had never had what Jayce gave out so freely, gentle touches on the arm, grounding hand squeezes, warm hugs with close friends and family. 

That didn’t mean it was appropriate for his mind to wander like this. For his eyes to linger on Jayce’s hands every time he touched someone else. To space out when he was meant to be working, losing himself in a daydream of what it would feel like to have Jayce’s arms around him, holding him, warm and safe and… 

This was ridiculous. Viktor was being ridiculous, and Jayce clearly had no qualms with keeping his distance. He probably had the same reservations about touching Viktor as everyone else did, using his untimely flinch as an excuse to stay away. 

Which was fine. Viktor didn’t need it. They had work to do. 

-

Apparently, Viktor had been wrong to think Jayce held those reservations. 

Because now, alone in their lab with the excitement of a new discovery ringing in the air, Jayce had clapped Viktor on the shoulder, squeezing slightly, and his hand hadn’t moved. 

Viktor couldn’t, for the life of him, remember what on earth they had been talking about. His breath caught in his throat, vision tunneling, eyes glued to Jayce’s hand wrapped around his shoulder, easily able to fit around Viktor’s frail arm. 

Jayce was still talking, always so passionate and excited, but Viktor couldn’t latch onto his words anymore. His hold brought a warmth Viktor had never felt before, seeping through his sleeve and spreading a pleasant burn across his arm. It was so unexpected, like a fire suddenly spurring to life, it was a miracle Viktor was able to keep himself upright, knees nearly buckling, breaths coming out shallow and shuddering when he remembered he needed to breathe. 

Viktor didn’t know what to do. It was too much, more than he’d ever had, ever dared to ask for. He couldn’t handle it, couldn’t understand, and he never wanted it to stop. 

“Viktor?” Jayce asked, the unabashed concern in his voice yanking Viktor back up to the surface, head still fuzzy with the warmth on his shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Viktor blinked, squeezing his cane until his hands shook, opening and closing his mouth as he struggled to form words, to assure Jayce he was fine, suddenly better than he’d ever been, impossibly warm. 

“I- I’m… I…” But of course that wasn’t working, the feeling of Jayce’s hand still on his arm stealing his breath away. “You… it’s just your…” 

He couldn’t bring himself to voice it aloud, heat rising to his cheeks as it dawned on him just how utterly ridiculous his reaction was. He glanced at Jayce’s hand, still comfortably resting on his shoulder, willing his partner to understand. 

Unfortunately, Jayce seemed to jump to the wrong conclusion. He ripped his hand away like he’d been burnt, eyes wide and face twisted in sudden panic, quickly taking two steps back, completely out of Viktor’s space. 

As soon as Jayce pulled away the cold came rushing back, crashing over Viktor like a tidal wave, only a hundred times worse than ever before. It was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on him, or punched him right in the gut, or shoved him to the floor, laughing in his face for ever daring to believe he could get what he wanted. It was a miracle he didn’t tear up, though he wasn’t doing a great job of hiding how close he was coming if Jayce’s horrified expression was anything to go by. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said, hushed, like he was talking to a spooked animal. “I’m sorry, Viktor I didn’t realize I… are you okay?” 

It was surprisingly easy to piece himself back together, to scramble for composure even as it felt like he was shattering like glass. “I’m perfectly fine, Jayce.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jayce said again, unconvinced. “I’m really… I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking.” 

“I understand,” Viktor said, ignoring the way Jayce’s words made his heart sink. “Trust me, I know you have a difficult time keeping your hands to yourself. It’s quite alright.” 

Jayce visibly relaxed under Viktor’s teasing tone, sending his partner a sheepish smile. And Viktor knew he could have backtracked and explained what the real issue was (and ask Jayce to come back, please touch him like that again) but… but something kept him silent. 

He had no right to ask that of Jayce. They both had so much on their plate, he shouldn’t bother his partner with something so pathetic, something that didn’t even matter. He couldn’t be desperate like that, couldn’t beg Jayce for something he might not even want to give. 

“It’s just a habit,” Jayce admitted, still a good few strides away. The distance made Viktor feel numb, more alone than he’d ever been. “I won’t do it again, I promise.” 

And Viktor had felt heartbreak before, felt desperation and panic and pain, but somehow never quite this intense. 

“Alright,” he said, averting his gaze so Jayce wouldn’t see the way his eyes were watering. “Shall we get back to work then?” 

They fell back into their familiar routine, Jayce’s bright spirits and enthusiasm returning like they’d never faltered for a second. Viktor knew he’d probably forget about the whole thing within the hour. 

Jayce didn’t close the distance between them for the rest of the night, always at least a foot away, and Viktor forced himself to focus on his work and ignore the cold settling in his chest and the growing pit at the bottom of his stomach. 

-

He’d really thought it would be fine. He’d have a few hours of being a little unsteady, a hard time falling asleep that night at most, and then it would pass, fade to an unimportant and slightly embarrassing memory. 

But, yet again, Viktor was proven wrong as everything only spiraled out of control. 

He hadn’t been able to get to sleep at all that night, shivering all the way home after he and Jayce had finally exhausted themselves, crawling into bed with every blanket he could possibly find. 

It hadn’t been enough, not nearly enough, Viktor still frigid and empty under the weight of his comforter, clutching his shoulder where Jayce’s hand had been hours before, desperate to replicate the warmth he’d felt and not coming anywhere close. 

He didn’t understand. He shouldn’t want this, he’d never wanted it this bad before. He’d never needed it so why now was something so insignificant sending him spiraling like this? 

He’d never felt like this before. He’d never been so cold, felt so small, longed for something so badly. He couldn’t ask for it. Viktor knew he couldn’t. He barely belonged in this city as it was, barely survived at the academy, he couldn’t risk his partnership with Jayce by bringing this up. He could wait for it to pass, or learn to live with the cold if it never did. 

But it only got worse. 

The longing grew every time he was in Jayce’s company, hours spent together in the lab causing the cold to steadily grow overwhelming. It stayed right there with him whether he was with his partner or not, settling deep within his bones, his already sickly body aching with want. 

The longing would become almost painful whenever he would see Jayce touch someone else so easily, Viktor suppressing anguished pleas whenever his partner would so much as shake someone’s hand. 

And to make matters worse, it seemed Viktor wasn’t doing a very good job at hiding his distress. 

Jayce hadn’t confronted him yet, but he wasn’t even attempting to disguise his blatant worry, the way he’d watch Viktor closely from across the lab when he thought his partner wasn’t looking, the way his brow would crease whenever Viktor swayed or trembled, the way he’d stare when all Viktor would do was pick at what little food he accepted.

Viktor was careful to keep himself busy, desperate for a distraction. He threw himself deeper into his work, driving himself to exhaustion just to be able to maybe fall asleep that night, the cold and bitter loneliness following him no matter what he did. 

He kept Jayce busy with new ideas, new solutions to old problems, anything to keep his partner from asking too many questions. He left the lab less, distanced himself as best he could, turned down offers for dinner or quiet evening walks or casual conversation. 

He just couldn’t. He couldn't be this close to Jayce right now, not until he got over this. Not while it hurt so bad. 

If the disappointment on Jayce’s face every time Viktor turned an invitation down made the weight on his chest worsen, the way his partner visibly deflated nearly every night turning Viktor’s guilt into a suffocating vice, that was just something he would have to live with. He could fix it when he was better. He would. 

Jayce didn’t deserve to be brushed aside like this. But he definitely didn’t deserve to deal with Viktor’s problems. Viktor couldn’t risk letting him see how pathetic he was, couldn’t risk Jayce agreeing to touch him despite his own disgust out of guilt or pity. 

A selfish part of Viktor couldn’t stand the thought of Jayce outright refusing even more, turning him away in clear disgust. 

So Viktor could handle it on his own, keep it as his little secret. It wasn’t an illness or an injury, nothing needed to be done. It was just touch. He didn’t need it. Until he realized that apparently, he really really did. 

Viktor had actually managed to get a couple hours of sleep the night before, and he’d nervously allowed Jayce to accompany him on the trek across the crowded academy campus with as much nonchalance as he could possibly muster. 

Viktor doubted he would have been able to get Jayce to leave his side anyway, but he’d have to be a monster to squander the excitement in his partner’s eyes, the joy in his voice when he’d called Viktor’s name and jogged to close the distance between them, slowing his pace to match Viktor’s as they walked side by side through the bustling crowd. 

Besides, Viktor really did miss the ease of Jayce’s company. His partner didn’t deserve to feel unwanted, not when that couldn’t possibly be farther from the truth. 

Viktor didn’t even see what happened next, too caught up in watching Jayce’s hands and stupidly hoping they may brush his own. He just caught a blur of an academy uniform before something slammed against his arm, sending him stumbling. 

He had no idea if the shove had been intentional, though it wouldn’t surprise him in the least. It wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. 

But right now that didn’t matter. What mattered was that he nearly lost his grip on his cane, agony shooting up his leg as he careened forward, just barely managing to catch himself before he crashed to the cold hard floor, finding purchase against his cane as his legs wobbled, hands wracked with terrified tremors. 

What mattered more was Jayce, hands hovering so close to Viktor’s hunched over frame, seconds away from throwing caution to the wind if Viktor lost his balance. His head snapped back up to the rapidly moving crowd, no onlookers stopping to offer any help, and Jayce’s eyes darkened dangerously. For a terrifying second Viktor thought he might stalk into the crowd and throw a punch, but all he did was shout something after the assailant, his words completely lost to the ringing of Viktor’s ears. 

Because what mattered most was that, as unpleasant as it had been, Viktor had just been touched. 

Warmth had sparked to life along his arm where the stranger had bumped into him (as well as what was likely a very ugly bruise, but he could handle that later) just briefly making the cold melt away for a blissful second. It made his legs weak for a whole new reason, throat tight as he struggled to get it together before Jayce turned his attention back. 

“Geez, are you okay?” Jayce asked, no longer quite so angry, hands still hovering uselessly. A stupid, selfish part of Viktor wanted to lose himself to gravity just to see if Jayce would catch him. He wanted to know what it would feel like. “Viktor? Hey- are you okay?” 

Viktor blinked owlishly back up at him, having to crane his neck despite the way Jayce was slightly crouched. He forced a smile, softening his features in a futile attempt to calm his partner down. 

“Believe it or not, I can handle being shoved around a bit, Jayce.” He’d had worse than this, much worse before he was Heimerdinger’s assistant. But it was the first time something like a crude shove had made him feel like this. A childish part of him wanted to be angry at Jayce for awakening these feelings. “I would not have made it this far if I couldn’t.” 

“Are you sure?” Jayce asked, lowering his voice. “You just—”

“I’m alright,” Viktor assured, more curt than he would have liked. Despite how much he didn’t want to, he straightened up just to prove his point, clutching his cane like a lifeline. “Really, I’m fine. You worry too much.”

“You’re not hurt?” 

Viktor hoped his eye roll came across as more exasperated than angry. “Jayce, I didn’t even fall.” 

“I know, you just…” he hesitated, the look in his eyes sending alarms blaring through Viktor’s skull. “You don’t… look good.” 

He didn’t feel good either. The cold had only dissipated for an instant, now back with a vengeance, the ice in his veins making Viktor want to curl into a ball, wrap himself in blankets and sleep for the rest of his lonely life. 

Viktor smirked, pushing down the urge to bump Jayce’s shoulder as he continued his trek to their lab. “Always the charmer.” 

“I’m serious,” Jayce said, easily catching up to Viktor. “You’ve been… you just haven’t been yourself lately.”

“I’m fine.” 

“I’m worried about you, Viktor.” 

“And I said I’m fine.” He took a shuddering breath, steps faltering for a moment. The overwhelming warmth from the shove was still lingering, clouding his head, and Viktor almost wanted to track whoever it had been down and beg them to do it again. “I’m fine, Jayce. Just a few… sleepless nights. They happen.” 

“You’re sure that’s it?” Jayce asked with a tone that made it clear he knew Viktor was full of shit. “If something’s going on you can always come to me. We’re partners, Vik. I’ll be here to help, no matter what it is.”  

Viktor forced his smile not to drop, forced himself to hold it together just a little while longer and not break right then and there, to not to fall into Jayce’s chest and hold on tight and beg him to never let go. 

“I appreciate that,” he said carefully. “Can we go to the lab now? You’re causing a scene.” 

Jayce’s face fell. “Viktor—”

“I’m fine,” he insisted again. Maybe if he said it enough times, he’d start to believe it himself. “If there is an issue, I assure you, you’ll be the first to know.” 

“You promise?” Jayce asked, and Viktor couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“I promise.” 

-

This was, without a doubt, the stupidest thing Viktor had ever done. It was illogical and reckless and Jayce was going to kill him. 

But the thought wouldn’t leave him alone, wrapping around his head almost as incessantly at the stupid longing for touch, and going through with this would allow him some relief from both. It would be worth a little indigent pouting from his partner. 

Viktor had an uneasy feeling he’d regret his plan as soon as he actually went through with it. If he was in his right mind, he never would have even considered something like this, something so dangerous and self-destructive. 

But the feeling had only gotten worse, the cold turning his blood to ice. He was even weaker now, sleep came less and less, he was jumpy and irritable and his bad leg had decided to start acting up more. 

He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t keep going like this. It wasn’t going away. 

Jayce’s touch had felt better than anything he could have ever imagined. It had awakened an endless yearning in his chest for more, and he’d come to terms with the fact that it was something he was never getting again. 

The shove from a stranger had been the only thing to come close, and Viktor knew exactly how to recreate it. This was maybe… a bit extreme, but he’d get what he needed, the pain would clear his head, and the feeling would finally go away, at least for a little bit. 

And if it came back, well. He could always do this again.  

It wasn’t until he was actually there, the tapping of his cane echoing across one of the many run down alleyways in the Undercity, that Viktor started to have his doubts. 

He hadn’t been back down here in what felt like forever, but somehow it seemed exactly the same. He felt so out of place now, hobbling through darkened streets in fancy clothes with a polished cane, an open, defenseless opportunity. 

He was the perfect target for a robbery. Which was, unfortunately, the reason he was down here. 

The longer he stayed, the air harsh on his already damaged lungs, the familiar sounds of the city’s life rising up around him, the more he began to realize just how ridiculous he was being. He could get himself killed, risk everything he and Jayce had worked so hard to build, and for what? To be touched? To satiate the aching want in his chest for just a moment? 

A small part of him, the part that let himself stare at Jayce’s hands and long to lean into his side, whispered yes. Yes, that was exactly it. He’d take whatever he could get, no matter the risk, no matter what the rational part of his head screamed at him. Because he couldn’t take this anymore. 

But maybe this wasn’t worth the risk. He could head back to Piltover where it was safer, figure something else out and—

“Well, what do we have here?” A voice rang out and Viktor froze, the tapping of his cane silenced. “You’re certainly a long way from home.” 

Fear started bubbling up in Viktor's chest, finally overshadowing the blinding desperation, and he forced it back down as he slowly turned around, cane held tight in his hand. 

“I’m very sorry,” he said, keeping his voice level. “It appears I’ve taken a wrong turn.”

Laughter broke out, cold and humorless, and Viktor took the opportunity to assess the situation. There were three of them, all at least a head taller. They were eying Viktor like prey, covered in rags and dirt and leather, and Viktor suddenly felt even more out of place in his academy uniform. 

He’d never belong in Piltover, Viktor knew that. He’d been an outsider the moment he stepped foot out of the Undercity, and no matter how far he made it, no matter what he did, that would never change. 

But somewhere along the way, he’d stopped belonging in the Undercity too. Maybe he never really had. 

Viktor had always been an outlier. He’d always been smaller and weak and unwanted, destined to die early, sick and alone. 

No wonder nobody wanted to touch him unless it was with the intention to hurt. 

“Come on,” one of them crooned, the group spreading out to surround their victim. “Hand over everything you have, and we’ll let you limp back to where you came from.” 

Viktor shifted so his cane was shielding his bad leg as much as it could manage, an almost unconscious gesture by now. Not that it had ever done anything to help before. 

“I don’t have any money,” Viktor said, voice quieting. It was a lie, of course, he’d made sure to bring as much as he was comfortable losing, a pouch tucked away safely in his vest. He’d already made it down here, he may as well follow through. “Please, I’m just trying to—”

He didn’t get the chance to finish before two rough hands were suddenly fisted in the back of his shirt, yanking him back fast enough to send a spark of pain shooting down his neck. 

They threw him to the side with ease, and Viktor gasped when he landed on his side against the cold dirt, pain exploding up his arm. His cane fell from his grasp, clattering to the ground, and Viktor’s throat tightened in frustration when the brief warmth of the contact, rough hands touching him through his shirt for just a second, didn’t chase the cold away. 

Viktor opened his eyes just in time to see the boot flying towards him. Something cracked when it kicked him square in the ribs, making him wheeze as the air was knocked out of him, curling up fruitlessly when the kick came again and again. 

When it finally stopped, leaving Viktor dizzy and gasping for breath, he could just vaguely register figures moving around him, their words lost to the pounding of his own heart, the rushing of blood in his ears. 

Instinctively, he started to reach for his bad leg, desperate to protect it as much as he possibly could. He froze when there was suddenly a weight against it, a heavy boot rested against his calf, wracked with tremors. 

There wasn’t enough pressure to do any real harm, and it took Viktor a moment to register that it was just a warning. Something to hold him still. 

Viktor tensed as one of his attackers circled around him, eventually stopping to crouch down by his side. He yanked Viktor’s vest away, carelessly rummaging through his pocket, and Viktor’s breath caught when the man’s hand just barely brushed his side for a brief second. 

The thug produced the pouch of coins Viktor had carefully tucked away, grinning, and the scientist averted his gaze, the fear now suffocating. 

“Thought so,” his attacker said, pocketing the bag. “You topside pricks always love to flaunt your wealth, don’t you?” 

Viktor swallowed, fighting to clear his head around the pressure against his leg, the agony in his ribs, the fading presence of a hand against his side, tugging at his clothes. “I don’t—”

He barely got two words out before the man was swinging on him, fist colliding with Viktor’s cheekbone and sending him crashing back down to the ground, temple slamming against the dirt, stars dancing along his vision as the world spun. 

“Come on,” one of the thugs called, and Viktor gasped when the pressure on his leg finally lifted. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Viktor blinked rapidly as everything slowly filtered back to awareness, fighting to lift his head off the cold floor, and his heart dropped when he saw one of the men picking up his discarded cane. 

“No!” he gasped, every little movement sending him crashing back down again. “My cane, I- I need my cane, I have to get back, I—”

“It’s nice,” the thug, mocked, turning it over in his hands. “We could get a good price for it.” 

“Please.” Viktor resorted to begging, face burning with how pathetic he knew he sounded. “Please, I can't… I- I need my cane.” 

“Just leave it,” the third thug- the one that had been leaned against his leg- snarled, and Viktor flinched at the all too familiar tone. It reeked of pity, of condescending disgust. It never got easier, no matter how used to being weak he was. “You want him off our streets, don’t you? He won’t get topside if he can’t stand.” 

“Fine,” the one with his cane relented, and Viktor felt dizzy with relief. “But he’s gotta crawl for it.” 

Viktor could only watch as he tossed the cane aside like it was a cheap toy, his crutch sailing across the alleyway until it hit the wall on the other side and fell to the ground.

 And Viktor… suddenly wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it that far. He wasn’t even sure he could get back home with his cane. 

As soon as the alley was quiet Viktor took in a steadying breath, still shaking like a leaf in a thunderstorm, turning with slow, agonized movements until he was facing the wall, chest heaving with the effort. 

He pulled himself forward, crying out against the strain on his ribs, nails digging into the dirt as he forced himself to move, shirt no doubt stained beyond repair as it dragged against the ground. 

It felt like it took hours, the minutes passing by in an agonizing blur. His fingernails were caked with dirt, muscles screaming as he crawled forward, only allowing himself to drop, practically limp, when his shaking hands found purchase against something cold, fingers weakly wrapping around the familiarity of his cane. 

Viktor shuddered, breath catching in his throat as he pulled it close to his chest. 

It hadn’t… it hadn’t worked. Of course it hadn’t worked. It had been a stupid idea, fueled only by panic and idiotic desperation. The cold was still there, the longing for gentle touch as present as ever, but it was overshadowed by something else. Something worse that he couldn’t quite place. 

He needed to get back home. He needed to get himself on his feet and make his way back to Piltover, deposit himself in his own bed for a couple hours, and make it to the lab early the next morning. As long as Jayce didn’t find out about this, he could forget about the whole thing once the pain passed. 

Jayce would never let him live this down if he found out. He’d be furious.

But right now, Viktor couldn’t move even if he wanted to. He was freezing and scared, every inch of his body in agony, and- although laying defenseless in the Undercity streets was the last thing anyone should do- it was like he was frozen in place, weighed down to the dirt. 

Right now, all Viktor could do was shut his eyes and weep. 

-

It took Viktor longer to get back than he’d intended. 

He’d laid there and cried until he barely had the strength to lift his head, skull pounding and his body aching, the bruise along his cheek throbbing in time to his racing heart. 

Standing up was far more taxing than usual, legs wobbling like a newborn deer as he pushed himself up with one hand clutching his cane, the other gripping the wall for any kind of support. 

It felt like it took hours, the pain worsening with each movement, leaving his head dangerously light and cloudy. 

The sun had risen by the time he could see the academy again, hobbling down the street while leaning heavily on his cane, fighting for each breath and wheezing with every step. Nobody else from the Undercity moved to intercept him, and nobody in Piltover stopped to help. 

A couple of Enforcers on the academy grounds eyed him warily, and Viktor was willing to bet that if it weren’t for his damaged uniform still being recognizable, they would have marked him an outsider and thrown him in jail. 

But in this state they’d have to carry him, and the thought was almost appealing. 

The dread started settling in his stomach when he realized there was no way he was beating Jayce to the lab this morning, and he wouldn’t have time to go home and clean up first. The later he was the more suspicious (No, angry. Jayce wouldn’t care, he’d just be angry at Viktor for being so careless when their work was so important) his partner would be.

It would be fine. Viktor was sure he had a clean shirt somewhere in the lab, and it was just a couple of scrapes and bruises. Someone like Jayce could have walked this off with ease, Viktor was just… weak. 

He’d brush off any questions from his partner, lose himself in his work until it was late enough to go home, and use the aching exhaustion in his bones to hopefully get at least a couple hours of sleep tonight. 

Viktor finally found himself pushing the door to the lab open, cane still echoing along the corridor, every muscle begging for relief from the strain of just keeping himself standing. 

“There you are,” Jayce called as soon as Viktor stumbled inside. His back was to the door, tinkering with something at their work station. “And here I was starting to think you wouldn’t—”

Jayce turned around and froze, words dying in his throat as every muscle tensed. His expression was unreadable, eyes blank as his eyes fell on the state Viktor was in.

“Good morning,” Viktor greeted, silently praying Jayce would just drop it. “Sorry I’m late, I just lost track of time.”  

“What the fuck happened to you?”

Well, so much for that. 

“Nothing,” Viktor said quietly, hesitating by the closed door, wondering if he needed to leave. “I’m fine.” 

“Nothing?” Jayce echoed, incredulous. “Don’t bullshit me, Viktor! You- you’re barely standing, come sit down.” 

Viktor tensed, that familiar defensiveness rising up at any hint of pity, any sign of being treated like something fragile. “I don’t need to—”

“Sit down, Viktor,” Jayce snapped, but his face quickly softened and he pulled up a chair from their work station, eyes hopeful. “Please.” 

And Viktor relented, because keeping his partner as calm as possible was suddenly a higher priority than his pride. 

He didn't want Jayce to be any angrier at him than he already was. Not when the second he’d seen him, the longing in Viktor's chest had returned twice as bad as before. 

Jayce pushed the chair closer and Viktor limped across the lab, his hold on his cane unsteady, unable to lift his gaze to meet Jayce’s eyes as he slowly lowered himself into a sitting position. His back and ribs protested the movement, and he gasped at the wave of pain before he could stop himself. 

Jayce stood vigil at his side, watching closely. His hand was poised to reach out and steady him if he fumbled and Viktor’s shoulders hunched, breath catching at the image of Jayce’s hand holding his arm, heart leaping to his throat. 

But Jayce stepped away as soon as Viktor was seated, and the pang in his chest hurt worse than any of his bruised ribs. His partner crouched in front of him to get a better look at his face, brow furrowed as he eyed the bruise. 

“I can grab you some ice—”

“I don’t need it,” Viktor said, barely a whisper. He just wanted to move on and get this over with. Being this close to Jayce was making everything harder. “I’m alright, it barely hurts anymore.” 

Jayce hesitated, searching Viktor’s face for any sign of deception or hidden pain, apparently satisfied with what he found. “Alright. I’ll go grab an Enforcer, then.”

“What?” Viktor tried to sit up, shrinking back with a hiss of pain when his ribs reminded him why any sudden movement was a terrible idea. “That’s hardly necessary.” 

“Somebody attacked you, Viktor.” 

Viktor swallowed, clasping his hands together, knuckles turning white. “I fell.” 

“I asked you not to bullshit me,” Jayce said, steady voice laced with poorly concealed fury. “You’re hurt. Someone punched you, I’m not blind!” 

Viktor’s chest tightened, something uneasy twisting in his gut. “It really isn’t worth the trouble.” 

“Someone hurt you,” Jayce said, like this was news to Viktor. “They’ll find whoever it was so they can’t do it again.” 

“They won’t find them,” Viktor said. He’d honestly rather get beat up again than have to recall the events from last night to anyone, let alone with Jayce in the room. “Nobody will bother looking for a couple Undercity thugs. Muggings happen, it isn’t worth it.” 

“The Undercity?” Jayce repeated, and Viktor didn’t miss the panic in his voice. “Robbers from the Undercity came up here?” 

Viktor set his jaw, bracing for what came next. “No.” 

Jayce was a smart man, the smartest Viktor had ever met, and he knew it wouldn’t take long for him to understand what his words meant. He could see it in Jayce’s eyes, the way his expression changed, posture shifting, the instant realization dawned. 

He straightened, rising to his full height, and Viktor dropped his gaze. Jayce towered over him, and suddenly it was hard to breathe. 

“You want to tell me what you were doing down there?” 

“Last I checked I could go wherever I pleased,” Viktor said, fidgeting with his cane. “You aren’t in charge of me.”

“I know that,” Jayce said, words practically a snarl. “But the Undercity is dangerous—”

“I’m from the Undercity.” 

“And you’re lucky you made it out of there alive,” Jayce snapped. “You said so yourself.” 

Viktor didn’t have an argument for that, because Jayce was right. Those had been his own words, now thrown back in his face. He scowled, crossing his arms over his chest despite the twinge of pain the movement brought, and Jayce sighed. 

“You can’t go down there alone.” 

“Why?” Viktor demanded, helplessness making him defensive. “Because I’m too weak? You don’t trust me to take care of myself?” 

“No!” Jayce ran a hand through his hair, frustration rising. “Neither of us should go down there alone, you know that. You should have told me so I could come with you! What were you doing down there, anyway?” 

And that wasn’t a question Viktor could answer, no matter how angry Jayce was. “That isn’t your concern.” 

“Not my concern?” The rise in volume made Viktor’s already shallow breath hitch, eyes now glued to Jayce’s waving hands. “It’s my damn concern if my partner decides to—”

Jayce cut himself off when Viktor flinched, the movement too sudden and violent to plausibly cover up. They both froze, Viktor left with his hands raised in a poor attempt to block his face, staring up at Jayce with wide eyes. 

Viktor suddenly wished he had closed his eyes, because the look on Jayce’s face made his heart shatter. 

He dropped his hands to his side and his face fell, his expression a sickening look of horrified realization, and Jayce quickly took two steps back, well out of Viktor’s space. 

He saw Jayce swallow, forcing himself to unclench his fists and relax. “I’m not… I’m not going to hit you, Viktor.” 

“I know,” Viktor said, dropping his own hands back down to his lap. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, I’m sorry.” Jayce was frozen, scared, and Viktor didn’t know how to fix it. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you, I just… don’t like seeing you hurt.” 

His words made something warm flicker to life in Viktor's chest, combating the icy cold in his veins for just a moment, the irrational fear beginning to dissipate. 

“Thank you,” he said quietly, adjusting his hold on his cane and slowly pulling himself to unsteady feet. “But I’m fine.” 

Jayce stepped back again when Viktor stood, eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. “Where are you going?” 

“To work, Jayce,” Viktor answered wryly, sending his partner a small smile over his shoulder as he turned to his desk. “That is what the lab is for, no?” 

“You should be resting.” 

“I will,” Viktor assured, and it wasn’t a lie. He’d work until he was dead on his feet, too exhausted to keep himself awake anymore. It was the only way he could possibly get any rest. “Can we just… drop this? Please?” 

There was a beat of silence, the air in their shared lab tense and heavy in a way that had never existed between them before, and Viktor held his breath when he heard Jayce take a careful step closer. 

“Alright,” he relented, and Viktor sighed in shaky relief. “I’ll drop it. If you tell me what’s going on.” 

Viktor stopped, chest squeezing with panic. “I have no idea what you mean.”

“Yes you do, Viktor,” his partner argued, but any trace of anger or frustration was long gone. “You’ve been acting off for weeks, you’re avoiding me, and now you’re sneaking off to the Undercity without telling anyone.” 

Viktor kept his eyes glued to the ground, fidgeting under the weight of Jayce’s gaze. “I’m—”

“Don’t say that you’re fine,” Jayce cut him off, and Viktor snapped his mouth shut. “You’re not fine, Viktor, Look at you!” 

Viktor knew that. He knew he wasn’t fine, he didn’t need Jayce to tell him that. He could barely stay upright, everything hurt, he was so cold and he just… he wanted…

He just wanted to be touched again. It was pathetic, but it was the truth. He wanted Jayce to touch him, to be gentle and hold him close. He wanted it more than anything, and nothing he did was making the feeling go away. 

“I’m worried about you,” Jayce continued when there was no answer. “Whatever this is, we can fix it. I can help you, just talk to me. Please.” 

“It’s not…” Viktor hesitated, silently begging his voice not to shake. “It won’t impact Hextech. I can still work fine.” 

“I don’t care about the work right now,” Jayce said, almost desperate. “I care about you. You’re my best friend, and I- I want to help with whatever’s going on. Let me help you, Viktor.” 

“You can’t,” Viktor choked out, and his voice betrayed him with a crack. “You can’t, I… I’m going to fix it. I can handle it.” 

“You don’t have to do this alone,” Jayce said. He paused, the sudden silence deafening, and Viktor could almost hear the gears turning in his partner’s head. “Is it… something I did?” 

Viktor hesitated, heart beating hard enough to make his chest ache, unwittingly thinking back to what had started this whole thing. “It wasn’t… anything you did on purpose.” 

It was stupid, just a simple touch on the shoulder. Nobody else would let it affect them this much. Nobody else would think twice about it. 

“But it was me,” Jayce said, and Viktor winced. “Viktor I’m… whatever I did I am so so sorry.” 

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Viktor assured, but he couldn’t look at Jayce. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“But I’m hurting you,” Jayce said, and his tone left no room for argument. “Whatever it is, I promise I’ll find a way to fix it. I’ll—”

“You won’t,” Viktor said before he could stop himself. There was a lump rising in his throat, and he tilted his head back to keep any traitorous tears from breaking free. “You won’t. It- it’s fine, Jayce.” 

“It isn’t fine.” Jayce took a step closer, and for a terrifying moment Viktor forgot how to breathe. “I want to help, Vik. Tell me how to help you.”

Viktor shook his head, the longing in his chest turning to a suffocating want. “I can’t I… I can’t—”

“You can,” Jayce said, and his voice sounded so warm, so inviting, that for a moment Viktor thought, just maybe, he could. “You can, Viktor. Tell me what you need. Please just… just tell me what I can do.” 

Viktor couldn’t breathe. His hands shook, cane wobbling in his grasp, eyes watering as he warily glanced back at Jayce. 

“Can you… I…” his tongue felt heavy, words coming out shaky and weak as he trembled. The fear was consuming him, and if it wasn’t for Jayce’s encouraging nod, the unabashed hope in his eyes, Viktor wasn’t sure he could have continued. “Can- can you touch my shoulder again?”

Jayce blinked, taken aback, and Viktor felt sick. “...What?” 

“My shoulder,” Viktor said again, like that would make it any better. “I just… please?” 

He didn’t see Jayce move, didn’t hear him say anything else, but suddenly there was a weight on his shoulder, Jayce’s strong hand settling on his arm. 

He gasped as the cold was chased away, blazing warmth from the contact spreading across his freezing body, the sensation just as overwhelming and wonderful as the first time Jayce had touched him. His knees buckled, numbing pain shooting up his bad leg, and he leaned heavily against his cane to keep himself standing. 

“Viktor?” 

“I’m sorry,” Viktor breathed, dizzy with relief, with the feeling of Jayce’s gentle touch. This was what he’d wanted so bad and he couldn’t bear to think about how much worse it would be when Jayce pulled away again, for good this time. “I’m sorry, I just… just a minute. I just need this f- for… for a minute.” 

Jayce tightened his hold, and it was a miracle Viktor didn’t lose his balance. “I don’t…understand.” 

“You’re just,” he took in a shaky breath, eyelids heavy as he leaned into the touch. “You’re really warm, Jayce.” 

There was a beat of silence, then two, then three, and Viktor waited for the rug to be pulled out from under him. He waited for Jayce to rip his hand away, to shove Viktor away in disgust, to demand his partner leave and not return until he could get ahold of himself. 

Instead, all he heard was a sharp intake of breath and Jayce’s hand squeezed. “Oh, Viktor.” 

And then suddenly there was a second hand on his other shoulder, holding on just as tight, and Viktor forgot his own name. He blinked, looking up at Jayce with wide eyed disbelief. 

“What- what are you—?” 

“Viktor,” Jayce cut him off again, eyes brimming with the farthest possible thing from disgust. “Why didn’t you tell me you were touch starved?” 

“I’m—” Viktor could barely talk, head spinning, struggling to grasp that both of Jayce’s hands were holding onto him like there was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing there to repulse him. “I- I don’t… you don’t have to.” 

Jayce furrowed his brow, like he didn’t understand what the issue was. “You shouldn’t even have to ask. I should have noticed.” 

“No, I—” Viktor shuddered, Jayce’s thumb rubbing circles into his arm. “I don’t… I don’t need it.” 

“Everyone needs it,” Jayce said softly, frowning when Viktor shook his head. “It’s okay.” 

One of Jayce’s hands lifted and Viktor’s heart began to sink in disappointment as the cold crept back, but suddenly there were fingers brushing his face, warm knuckles gently resting against his unbruised cheek. 

He had about two seconds to register the feeling of skin against skin, of Jayce touching his face like delicate glass, before his mind caught up with him and he jolted under the touch, scrambling back so fast he nearly lost his footing, cane scraping against the floor. 

“Woah! Hey, I’m-  I’m sorry.” Jayce stayed where he was, hands held up placatingly, and Viktor couldn’t stop shaking. “Was that too much?”

Viktor shook his head, tongue like lead in his mouth. That was more than he’d dared to even think about, more than he’d ever had, and he didn’t… know how to handle this. He couldn’t understand why Jayce would possibly be alright giving him this. 

“It’s okay.” Jayce kept his voice quiet, talking carefully, but it didn’t sound like the condescending pity everyone else had always thrown in Viktor’s face. It just sounded concerned, genuine and warm. “It’s okay, V.” 

He approached slowly, crossing the distance between them with one easy step, and Viktor’s breathing quickened, panic and anticipation waging war in his head. 

Jayce reached forward again, his movements never too quick or sudden. He offered a reassuring smile as he moved to carefully cup his partner’s face in his hands, and Viktor nearly melted. 

It was so much more than just a simple shoulder touch, the exact opposite of the strike to his face just hours before. The warmth the touch brought when it was skin against skin made the room spin, Viktor’s head light and fuzzy in a way it hadn’t been when Jayce had touched him through the cloth of his shirt. 

He was trembling harder by the second, breaths coming out in frantic gasps as he struggled to keep himself grounded, fighting to convince himself this was real, that this wasn’t some cruel, desperate dream. 

He let himself lean forward, resting his cheek against Jayce’s pleasantly warm palm. He kept one hand on his wobbling cane, the other reaching up to shakily clutch at Jayce’s sleeve. 

“I’m s- I’m sorry,” Viktor choked out. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Jayce said, and Viktor made a noise he planned on taking to his grave when Jayce moved to run one hand through Viktor’s hair before it settled back on his face. “When was the last time someone touched you like this?” 

Viktor hadn’t meant to laugh but the sound slipped out anyway, bitter and scared and a little hysterical. “Nobody’s ever… I- I can’t… th- they’ve never…” 

He didn’t even realize a few tears had slipped free until Jayce was wiping them away with his thumbs, the gesture so deliberately gentle it made Viktor’s knees buckle. 

“I’ve got you,” Jayce whispered. He looked away to clear his throat, and Viktor noticed his eyes had grown suspiciously shiny. “We’re going to fix this, okay? I’m going to help you.”

Viktor made a noise in the back of his throat that was far too close to a whine for his liking. “You don’t… you don’t have to. It’s stupid.” 

“This is not stupid,” Jayce said, with the same unwavering determination he’d held when defending his ideas to the Council. It sent a chill down Viktor’s spine, making him shudder again. “I’m so sorry, Vik. I had no idea, I thought you didn’t like to be touched.” 

Viktor closed his eyes, the feeling of Jayce’s thumb tracing along his cheekbone making his eyelids heavy. “It’s just that nobody ever… ever has. Not… not unless they were trying to hurt me, I don’t—”

“Oh, Viktor.” 

“It’s okay,” he said, struggling to pull himself together, even as he felt himself coming undone at the seams. “You don’t… I don’t need it. This is enough, you don’t- you don’t have to do it again.” 

It hurt to say aloud, his chest aching at the thought of never having this again, of giving it up for a second. But he couldn’t force Jayce to do this, to touch someone nobody wanted anything to do with. 

“I’d like to,” Jayce said, an unwavering calm against Viktor’s rising panic. “I don’t mind at all, Viktor. I’ve been so careful not to touch you, I… I thought that’s what you wanted. I should have noticed.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Viktor said, still breathless, the fire that had ignited at Jayce's Touch still just as intense. “I shouldn’t even want this, it’s… I’m sorry. I know it’s silly.” 

Jayce was so close to him, and Viktor hesitantly lifted his head to meet Jayce’s eyes as he carefully searched his partner’s face, brows pinched in worry. 

“You’re touch starved,” Jayce said, laying it out so plainly, and Viktor dropped his gaze. “That’s not silly. It’s… this is serious, Viktor. Especially if it’s affecting you this much.” 

Viktor wanted to disappear, to hide away until they both forgot all about this, until the stupid longing in his chest went away forever and he could stop being so weak. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Hey.” Jayce kept one hand on Viktor’s cheek, the other moving down to gently take his chin and tilt his head up. “Don’t be, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m… I’m sorry nobody’s ever given you this before. That’s… that’s really sad, Vik.” 

Viktor didn’t think he could pull away even if he wanted to (he really really didn’t want to) but his shoulders tensed at Jayce’s words, refusing to look him in the eyes. “Please don’t do that.” 

Jayce tilted his head, watching Viktor curiously. “Do what?” 

“Pity me.” 

“I don’t,” Jayce said, his words heavy. “I’ve never once pitied you, Viktor. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met, but it’s okay to need help sometimes.” 

Viktor leaned further into Jayce’s palm, still fighting to believe that this was real. “I don’t… know how to ask.”  

“That’s okay,” Jayce said, and he was smiling again when Viktor looked at him. “We’ll work on it together. Right now you don’t have to ask for anything. Here—”

He pulled his hands away, and this time the noise that escaped Viktor could definitely be considered a whine. But Jayce didn’t go far, and his hands were back on Viktor’s arm before he could blink. 

“I’m here,” he said quickly, squeezing gently. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying right here.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Jayce said again, like he was desperate to keep Viktor together. “Can I hug you? Would that be alright?” 

Viktor swore his heart stopped, head snapping up to stare at Jayce in shock, certain he’d misheard. “You- what?” 

“A hug,” Jayce repeated, and Viktor felt weightless. “I’ve been told I give good ones, and I’m guessing you could use one.” 

Viktor hesitated, suddenly sickeningly self-conscious. He was all too aware of how he looked, frail and exhausted, covered in dirt and blood and bruises. He’d always been a cripple from the Undercity, a disgusting outsider, but he’d never felt like he fit the role quite as well as he did now. 

Viktor’s shoulders hunched, curling in on himself as best he could with Jayce’s hands still on him. “I’m… I’m filthy, Jayce.” 

“It’s just a little dirt,” Jayce said. He laughed, soft and quiet, void of any mocking. “I can change my clothes later, I don’t mind.” 

“I’m not just talking about my clothes.” 

Jayce fell silent, and for a terrifying moment the only sound in the lab was the whirring of machinery and the pounding of Viktor’s heart in his ears. 

“Oh,” Jayce breathed, and Viktor wanted the floor to swallow him up. “You think I don't want to touch you.” 

Viktor didn’t get a chance to answer before Jayce’s arms were wrapped around him, pulling him close against his chest and holding Viktor in place for his first ever hug. 

The warmth spread across his whole body, so intense that for a blissful moment he forgot what the cold felt like at all. He was frozen against Jayce’s chest, shaking like a leaf, eyes wide and breathing quick and shallow. 

“You’re my best friend, Viktor,” Jayce said, voice low in his ear. “You’re not disgusting or bad or… or anything else people have told you. You deserve to have this. You can be touched and held and taken care of.” 

Viktor’s vision had gone blurry, and it took him far too long to realize it was because the tears were gathering too fast to push away. “I- I don’t—”

“I know it’s a lot,” Jayce said, tightening his hold. “But you don’t have to do this alone. You never should have been alone, and I’m going to make damn sure you never are again.” 

Viktor tried to choke back a sob, but at this point he’d practically lost all control of his body. Jayce just hushed him when the sound broke free, one hand moving to run soothing circles along Viktor’s back, and the dam broke. 

He buried his face in Jayce’s chest, finally letting himself cry until his voice was hoarse and his chest burned, wrenching sobs echoing through the silent lab as Viktor dropped his cane and raised his arms to clutch weakly at Jayce’s back.

“I’ve got you,” Jayce’s voice filtered in through his cries, the presence of his arms wrapped around Viktor stronger than anything else, and it took him a moment to realize Jayce was rocking them both gently. “I’ve got you, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here. I’m here, Viktor. It’s over now. You won’t feel like that ever again.” 

Viktor squeezed his eyes shut, breaths nothing more than panicked, hiccuping wheezes. He wanted more than anything for that to be true, to let go and believe everything Jayce was saying. He didn’t know if he could take it if he never had this again, if he had to live with the cold after knowing what true warmth really felt like. 

He wanted to stay here forever, fall into Jayce’s embrace and never let go, but of course Viktor’s bad leg eventually gave out, making him gasp as he pitched forward. It was a miracle it hadn’t happened sooner, he usually wasn’t able to stay standing this long even when he wasn’t injured, but dread started creeping up when he realized this was coming to an end. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jayce said, careful not to jostle Viktor’s leg as he took the majority of his weight and eased them both down to the floor. “There we go. Let’s just sit here for a minute, okay?” 

Viktor didn’t have the strength to reply, letting himself be maneuvered until he was half in Jayce’s lap, still held tight and close against his chest. 

He kept his eyes closed and dropped his head to the crook of Jayce’s neck, holding on as tight as he dared and fighting to savor the moment. Every instinct was screaming that this would be it, that the warmth would be taken away again and he’d never get it back. So maybe it was okay to be selfish just this once and take as much as he could get. 

Jayce didn’t talk again until Viktor had cried himself out for the second time that day, sobs slowly dying down until the lab was plunged in silence again, his breathing gradually evening out. 

“You okay?” Jayce asked and Viktor nodded against his neck. He wasn’t sure if he was expected to pull away now, but Jayce made no move to untangle himself. “You sure?” 

Viktor didn’t want to talk, words heavy on his useless tongue, throat raw and sore. But he couldn’t make Jayce worry, not after everything, so he forced his mouth to move. “I’m okay. Just… just tired.” 

“You had a long night last night,” Jayce said. One of his hands moved to stroke through Viktor’s hair, nails scratching lightly at his scalp, and Viktor was almost positive he was going to fall asleep right here on the floor if Jayce kept that up. “Why did you go to the Undercity, Viktor?” 

Between  Jayce’s hand in his hair and the overwhelming mixture of exhaustion and pain and relief the last few hours had brought, Viktor didn’t have the energy to lie anymore. 

“I knew I’d get robbed,” he muttered, quiet enough that there was no way Jayce could have heard if they weren’t so close. “I just- just wanted this, I wanted to be warm and I thought… I thought it was the only way, I—”

“Oh, Viktor. I’m so sorry.” 

“I’m sorry,” Viktor said over him, not sure why Jayce was apologizing. “I know I shouldn’t have, I knew you’d be angry but I—”

“I’m not,” Jayce said, effectively silencing him. His fingers slowed in Viktor’s hair, the larger man shifting slightly. “I’m not mad at you, I promise. Here- look at me, okay?”

Jayce pulled back and Viktor reluctantly lifted his head to look up at him, still shuddering under his partner’s touch, all of it too much in the best possible way. 

“Listen to me,” Jayce said, his hands delicately framing Viktor’s face again. “You won’t ever have to feel like you need to do that again. I won’t let you feel like this again, Viktor, I swear.” 

“I’m… I’m fine, Jayce you don’t- you don’t have to.”

“I know I don’t,” Jayce said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Viktor’s eyes. “I want to. You’re my best friend, I want you to feel safe and- and loved and I want to help you. You deserve to feel okay.” 

Viktor’s head was spinning, ears ringing with the word loved, fighting to understand what Jayce was saying, to let go and believe him. This was what he’d wanted so bad, exactly what he’d never allowed himself to hope for. 

“I’ve got you,” Jayce said, still wiping away stray tears with his thumbs, and Viktor fell into his touch. “If you want to be touched, you don’t have to be afraid to ask, alright? I’m always happy to do this.” 

Viktor shivered, just barely managing to hold back another embarrassing noise when Jayce moved to run his fingers through Viktor’s hair again. “Are you sure?” 

“Of course I’m sure,” Jayce said, grinning. “I would have done this a long time ago if I knew you were okay with it.” 

“Oh.” 

“It’s okay,” Jayce soothed, hands never moving. “I’ll just have to make up for lost time.” 

Viktor wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, wrapped in each other’s arms on the hard floor of the lab, but eventually he felt himself start to tip forward, head heavy as his eyes started to slip shut against his will. 

“You look exhausted.” Jayce finally pulled his hands away from Viktor’s face, moving to steady him instead. “Come on, I’ll help you get home.” 

Viktor couldn’t stand the thought of going back to his own bed, of suffering through another miserable night wrapped in weighted blankets that would never ever feel the same as Jayce’s hold, the cold creeping back slowly. 

He trusted Jayce, but he was terrified that as soon as he untangled himself from his arms, he’d never get this feeling back again. 

But he was exhausted, and he knew his damaged ribs wouldn’t appreciate him sleeping anywhere but his own bed. 

It took a ridiculously long time just to stand up, Jayce staying right by his side with a steadying hand on his arm, quickly handing Viktor his cane from where it had fallen carelessly to the floor, still caked in dirt. 

“You’re doing good,” Jayce said, a hand on the small of Viktor’s back, and his knees felt weak. “We’re almost there, you’re okay.” 

Jayce didn’t leave his side, a hand always on Viktor’s back or shoulder as they made their way across the academy, the campus thankfully fairly empty this time of day. Viktor wasn’t sure he could survive getting knocked down again. 

It took all the strength Viktor had left not to start crying again when they finally made it to his bedside, heart already sinking at the thought of being alone, cold and desperate all over again. 

He managed to get changed without any help, only stopping when the pain made him too dizzy to move once or twice, propping his cane up against the wall and carefully easing himself down on the mattress. 

He was already shivering again. The warmth from Jayce’s touch was lingering longer than it had before, a fire still burning through him, but Viktor was grieving the loss of contact like the death of a loved one. 

Jayce hovered at the edge of the bed, just inches from where Viktor sat, one hand moving to rub the back of his neck. He looked… nervous. Like he was working himself up to something. It wasn’t a look Viktor was used to seeing. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Jayce asked suddenly, words tumbling out in a rush, and Viktor blinked in surprise. “You can say no, I know this is… this might be too much for you right now but I can lay with you. I can… I can keep holding you, if you want. It might help you sleep.”

Viktor’s throat tightened all over again, vision going blurry once more. “I can’t ask you to do that.” 

“You didn’t ask,” Jayce said, carefully moving to sit beside Viktor. “I’m offering. Besides I don’t… really want to leave you alone right now.” 

For a moment Viktor didn’t move, trembling beside Jayce with his hands clenched in his lap. This didn’t feel real, couldn’t be possible and yet…

Jayce was here, sitting with Viktor because he chose to. He could have left, could have dumped Viktor in bed and escaped as quickly as possible, but he didn’t. 

Jayce had held Viktor for who knew how long, pieced him back together while he broke apart and cried, and now he was offering to do it again. 

Touch was no longer something out of Viktor’s reach, something dangled in front of his face that he could never have. It was being given to him freely. He was allowed to take this. 

Viktor was throwing himself forward before he could talk himself out of it, wrapping his arms around Jayce and burying his face in his chest again, holding on for dear life. 

Jayce relaxed under him, returning the hug just as quickly and hooking his chin over Viktor’s head, holding on tight. 

Viktor let himself be slowly guided back until he was laying down, Jayce’s head against the pillows and Viktor’s head against Jayce’s chest, more warm and content than he’d ever been in his life, like this was where he was meant to be. 

One of Jayce’s hands found Viktor’s hair again, scratching lightly as he ran his fingers through dark strands, and Viktor sighed shakily into Jayce’s neck. 

“You don’t have to stay,” Viktor said, though he couldn’t stomach the thought of Jayce leaving. “It’s the middle of the day. We have work to do and—”

“The work will be there tomorrow,” Jayce said, only tightening his hold. “Besides, I haven’t been sleeping much either. I’ve been… really worried about you.” 

Viktor’s first instinct was to apologize, guilt curling in his gut and squeezing, but this time it was mixed with something warmer, the reminder that someone actually bothered to care. 

“Thank you,” he said instead, and he could almost feel Jayce smile. 

“Get some sleep,” he said, and Viktor didn’t think he was imagining it when Jayce placed a kiss to his hair. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

And Viktor believed him, finally shutting his eyes and letting sleep overtake him, everything fading to the sound of Jayce’s heartbeat.