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Emily didn’t know how they got here. How they ended up in the situation that they were in. It had happened so slow that she didn’t notice, she probably should have. No actually, that’s a lie, she knew exactly how they got here. Because of her. And now there she was, staring at the brown wood of her door and he was on the other side. Aaron Hotchner, her boss, her friend, the love of her life, standing on the other side but not coming in. Just waiting, waiting for her? She wasn’t sure at this point.
The door was the only barrier between them, the only thing distancing her from him and even though they were so close, Emily had never felt further away from him.
****
It had started like these things usually started, a spark, immediate when she shook his hand that first day. The attraction instant but buried down deep. She wouldn’t go there, not with him. Then months past and she slowly started to feel like she was a part of the group, the team. JJ and Penelope invited her to girls’ nights, Derek would flirt and tease her, Spencer shared her love for reading and Dave, when he joined the team, immediately felt like the father she never had but always wanted. And then there was him, scrutinizing her, challenging her, forcing her to be the best she could be and she never even saw it coming.
The attraction built.
A year went by and she started to dream about him. Dreams that had her waking up hot and confused, and then the anger would come. He was her boss, he was married, he was someone she couldn’t have. When Haley sent the divorce papers she was sad for him, but could still feel the corner of her mouth tug upwards against her will. She still couldn’t have him, but knowing that he was a free man made her feel a little better.
Then Vegas happened, he made sure that she was okay with meeting Viper and she wanted to roll her eyes.
“Yeah I’ll be fine, sadly I’ve dated people worse than Viper.” She caught his surprised face even though he covered fast. She changed the subject to Jordan and made sure that the young agent would help her in the club. When the night was over, she caught him looking at her, and for the first time she could see the heat in his eyes.
And she knew she was fucked.
And boy was she fucked. After the case was solved and it was decided that they’d spend another night in Vegas, they all had dinner, then drinks, then another club and she finally had enough liquor courage to make her move. She kissed him, hidden away in a corner, away from their coworkers. He kissed her back, then his hand wandered, she moaned, and they ended up in his hotel room.
They started sleeping together, then a drink, then dinner and soon enough they were dating. They knew that the team knew, but they kept it all on the down low, she had no interest leaving the BAU and neither did he.
“I love you.”
It came out of no where and Emily turned her head so fast she was surprised she didn’t hear the bones in her neck crack.
“Sorry?” She asked even though she heard him. She had been doing dishes in his apartment while Aaron had put Jack to bed and she hadn’t seen or heard him coming towards her.
“I love you.” He said again, it was soft, maybe even a little bit shy and Emily could feel her throat drying up. There was still so much he didn’t know, so much she hadn’t shared and for a split second she wanted to run. The moment was gone in an instant though, his arms coming around her from behind, hugging her close to his body as he kissed the exposed skin of her neck softly. Protective.
“You don’t have to say it back. In fact I don’t even want you to because I know how guarded you are.” The words were whispered against her skin, making the fine hairs at the back of her neck stand up. “But I wanted you to know, because I do. I love you.”
Emily let herself relax against him, her body resting against his stronger one.
“Thank you.”
He chuckled against her skin and somehow she knew that everything would be alright.
****
“Do you want more kids?” She asked him one morning over coffee, Jack was playing in the other room. It was a Saturday and they had plans to go to the park, the little boy more than excited that Emily, or Emmy as he called her, would be coming along. It was her favorite nickname she’d ever had.
“I don’t know, maybe.” Aaron stared at her, his own coffee cup lifted halfway to his mouth, clearly not expecting the question. “Me and Haley always said we wanted two, but then we had Jack and then the divorce happened, and then Foyet,” he paused then, a sadness coming over him for a moment, it always did when Haley was brought up, “so I guess I just got used to the idea of it just being him and me.” He slowly took a sip of his coffee, his eyes never leaving hers. “I know you talked about adopting that girl in Denver a couple of years ago…” He drifted off, leaving the question unspoken.
“I’ve always wanted children, but somewhere along the way I made peace with the fact that it may not happen.” She shrugged, trying to sound indifferent but knew that he could read her like an open book.
“And now?”
“And now, things have changed. Now I’m in love with you.” She smiled and slowly a matching smile appeared on his face across from her. The moment was interrupted by Jack running in and started to pull Emily towards the living room, wanting her to look at his fort.
****
They were happy, blissfully so. Until they weren’t anymore.
Ian Doyle showed up and Emily’s whole life turned upside down. She turned into herself, shut herself off more every day and even though Aaron and the rest of the team tried to get through to her, Emily wouldn’t budge. She couldn’t because they were in danger. They were in danger because of her.
The first person she thought of was Jack, he was just a little boy but Doyle wouldn’t stop, probably would kill him last just to make sure her suffering was maximized. So she ran, she hunted him down, intent to kill him once and for all. But he was smart, he always had been and when he branded her with a four-leaf clover just above the top of her bra, all she could think about was Aaron.
Derek found her, bleeding out but not in pain, not really. She felt numb, she had already let go. Let go of the life she’d never have. She squeezed his warm hands but her body was too tired. In the ambulance Aaron sat beside her, when she coded and was then returned from the cold and darkness, she could hear was him crying and all she wanted was to hold him.
Miraculously she survived, she healed and was sent off to Paris to continue her life, but how could she continue her life when it was in Washington, with him? She tried, believe her, she tried, but Aaron Hotchner was her life and no one else could ever compare. Then she got the call.
“Come back.” He sounded cold, distant but Emily still smiled because it was his voice.
She was on the next plane out.
****
She came back and nothing was the same, it had been stupid of her to think that it would be. Derek being upset was expected, she knew she hurt him almost as much as she hurt Aaron with her lies. But she mended the broken bond between them, slowly fixed all of her relationship with the team, expect for with him.
JJ and Penelope would give her sad smiled and touches of support as their boss kept snapping at her for the smallest things. Derek would narrow his eyes and sigh at his dismissal of her at the most random times. Spencer tried to defend her once but was shut down within a blink of an eye and Emily told him not to bother, she could handle Hotch. Dave would come to her with coffee or sometimes the offer of a drink in his office to take the edge of.
She had been back for almost three months and she wasn’t sure if she could continue like this for much longer.
“You should have told me.” He said it so quietly that she thought she imagined it at first. They were back after another case and she was the only one still working, except him. The bullpen eerie quiet. He stood above her, her desk was still facing his office. When she stared up at him with nothing but dark, saddened eyes he repeated the words.
“I- I couldn’t.” Her voice was trembling, but she didn’t look away from his accusing stare.
“We were together for more than two years, talked about having a family, for Gods sake Emily I let you get close to Jack!” His words got louder and louder, finally showing his anger with her. “How do you think this affected him huh? What I had to tell him?”
“That’s why I ran in the first place, for him!” Her own mix of emotions, anger, despair but most of all guilt made her raise her voice as well.
“And that makes it okay?” His voice was so graveled, his face looked so tired that Emily recoiled slightly, she wasn’t afraid of him, but his tone scared her slightly.
“He would have killed him Aaron, would have killed you.” Her voice trembled slightly, tears already filling her eyes but she wouldn’t let them drop. Instead she stood up straight, bracing herself towards him. “I did what I had to do.”
“If you would have told me, all of this could have been avoided.” Aarons hands were around the railing, gripping so tight his knuckles where white.
“I didn’t know before he escaped from North Korea, it was too late then.” She argued right back, the pent-up unresolved feelings between them finally erupting.
“You should have told me before! Before he escaped, when we talked about a life together.” He stopped then and took a deep breath, his anger subsiding suddenly and it was like he deflated right in front of her. “I feel like I don’t even know who you are, the woman I wanted to marry, is not who I thought, do you know what that feels like?”
Emily inhaled sharply, his words hitting her harder than any bullet ever had. The tears finally starting to roll down her cheeks.
“You know that’s a lie. I’ve ever only been myself with you, but this, Aaron, this, I couldn’t tell you. I literally could not and you know that. Maybe I shouldn’t have run, but you know that I couldn’t share confidential information like that with anyone.” She sniffled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “But don’t you dare say that you don’t know me, that the life we created together was anything but truthful.” She grabbed her bag from her desk, she had to get away from him, the emotions becoming too much. Emily turned around and started to walk towards the door, Aaron didn’t try to stop her like she knew he wouldn’t.
“I would have said yes, just so you know, if you had asked me, I would have said yes.” She said sadly, just before pushing the heavy glass door open and walking out. Missing the tears matching hers on Aaron’s face.
****
And now, here they were. Hours later and Emily didn’t know what to do, he was so angry with her that for the first time in a very long time she was truly at a loss. He was just outside the door, the heavy knock warning her of his presence. But she didn’t open the door and he didn’t use the spare key that she knew that he still had because she’d seen it on his keychain just a couple of days ago.
So she stood there, one palm pressed against the cold wood, her heart beating so wildly that she thought her ribcage would break. And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to let him in.
“Emily?” His voice sounded so broken, even through the muffling that the door provided. “Emily open the door.” It sounded pleading and she could feel her heart breaking even more, the tears once again filling her eyes and dropping down her cheeks. She moved her hand from the door to the lock but she still couldn’t unlock it, she didn’t want him to see her like this, she felt like it wasn’t fair, after all, this was all because of her. She didn’t move until she heard him speak again.
“Please Em.”
The way his voice cracked, just a little, was enough to finally let her go of her stubbornness and she quickly unlocked and opened the door. He looked up at her almost with surprise that she caved, he was leaning with one hand on the doorframe, his eyes shiny and she could tell that he had been crying as well. She could only recall seeing him this broken-down one time before, when Haley was killed, and it felt like she’d been punched in the stomach by the guilt.
He didn’t make any attempts to walk inside, like the mere image of her was enough to him and she didn’t try to move towards him. Instead they just stared at each other, the entrance still like a barrier between them. She could see the questions and accusations in his eyes and she was sure that he could read the answers in hers.
“How could you?”
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“Yes you did, you had plenty of choices.”
“I was protecting you.”
“You betrayed me.”
“I did what I thought was best.”
“You were wrong.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“Aaron…” She finally spoke, it was quiet enough to almost be a whisper, her voice raspy and trembling “Please, I can’t.” She concluded, just about to close the door but he was faster, the hand that had been resting against the doorway pushing the closing door open and he stepped inside.
Emily barely registered what was going on before he kissed her. It was a kiss filled of anger, regret and sadness, but also overflowing with love and adoration and Emily responded to his demanding kiss within moments. He kissed her until they ran out of air and with a groan he broke apart from her. They stared at each other, panting and wanting and for now, that would have to be enough.
Like they were magnetized they kissed again, pulling on clothes and nipping on skin. Aaron bit down on her collarbone, leaving his mark on her while she tugged his pants and boxers down. She felt him moving her towards the stairs, not caring that they were stumbling over clothes and steps until finally she landed on her bed. He had managed to rip everything off her body except her panties which he hurriedly tore down her legs.
He crawled onto the bed and over her body, kissing the soft skin of her stomach, stopping briefly to look at her scar before gently pressing his lips to it.
“Aaron…” She started, embarrassment clear in her tone.
“Shh,” He moved up to kiss her lips. “We kind of match.” He whispered against her lips and it dawned on her that he was right. His body was scared, some would say flawed, and now so was hers. His scars were older, subtler in color and feel but they were there and in time hers would be as well.
Before she knew what was happening he pushed inside of her, his length filling her completely and she moaned against his shoulder. Her legs wrapped around his hips, causing him to go even deeper inside of her. The feeling was euphoric and it was overwhelming her.
“Fuck Emily.” He groaned against her skin, his lips against her ear. He moved deep and hard, bottoming out on each stroke and Emily would moan each time she was filled. He kissed up her neck, her jaw and then cheek and was surprised to find wetness there. Aaron pulled back slightly to look at her and saw the tears on her face.
“Em,” He knew why she was crying; he could read her like a book by now.
“Ignore it.” She sniffled “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”
And so he didn’t. He kissed away her tears and ignored his own threatening to fall and instead focused on the pleasure of her body against his, her tight heat fluttering around his shaft indicating that she was getting close.
Emily arched against his touch, pressed her chest against his, her hips moving against his meeting every thrust with a push of her own, her body chasing the bliss it so desperately craved. She hugged him close to her body, inhaling his scent, basked in his touches and kisses, she memorized how he felt, smelt and tasted like because she knew that this would be the last time.
Aaron moved one hand in between their bodies and easily found her clit. He circled the hardened nub slowly and Emily immediately tightened around him. He looked down at her and was met by her big eyes staring right at him, the dark orbs looking almost black in the darkness of her bedroom.
“Let go.” He whispered against her face, his nose nuzzling hers gently before kissing her hard.
It was the last push she needed and Emily came with a sound resembling his name but was broken up by a sob. She trembled in his arms, her center clenching rhythmically around him and dragging him with her. Aaron came with a deep grunt that she swallowed up in a kiss as he came inside of her.
After he didn’t move, knew that once he did he’d have to leave her and he didn’t want to. Not yet. Instead he kissed her everywhere, her nose, cheeks, lips, down her throat. He kissed her until his lips were dry and Emily was crying again, the sound breaking him and suddenly he was crying as well.
“I’m sorry.” She wiped the tears from his cheeks gently with her thumbs and when Aaron nodded, some resemblance of accepting the apology she felt relief wash over her.
“I know.” He finally said and rolled of her but staying close, let her cuddle close to him, her arm hugging his body and her leg intertwining between his. “But it’s too late.”
“Yeah, I know.” She whispered against his chest, the finality of it all hitting her hard. “You’re the love of my life.” It felt stupid now, freaking out the first time he said it and not saying it back, that it took another three months before she told him. It felt stupid not having told him earlier, not having told him every day for years.
“And you’re mine.” He promised and kissed her temple.
They didn’t say anything else after that, the silence albeit sad but comforting as they grieved what could have been together.
When Aaron finally left hours later, she didn’t follow him to the door, instead she heard him locking it and then her key falling to the ground through the mail slide. And she cried.
****
Emily woke up the next morning feeling heavy and drained. It was still early, barely six am but she had a missed call. Clyde Easter, what the fuck did he want? With furrowed brows she hit the call button and waited as it ringed. He answered after three signals.
“Emily, you’re alive.” His sarcastic tone came over the phone. “That’s good because I have a job offer for you.” He continued before she even had time to reply.
“Oh really?” She huffed, her voice still rough from sleep and the previous day.
“Come to London. Run Interpol.”
Emily almost dropped the phone, the offer besides being incredibly flattering and a huge step in her career, was for once perfect timing. She listened to Clyde as he talked about the job and why he wanted her to replace him and a small sliver of happiness shined through the darkness she felt.
“I’ll do it. I’ll come to London.”
****
Telling the team was hard, but they all understood why she left, it wasn’t working for them anymore, any of them.
“I’ll miss you so much.” Penelope said while hugging the air out of her, her tears falling on Emily’s shoulder.
“I’ll miss you too.” She said as her eyes locked with Aaron’s over her shoulder.
It was hard, teary goodbyes and hugs and promises to keep in touch and vacation time to London and a week later she was all packed and trying to get a cab to the airport. Somehow she wasn’t surprised when Aaron showed up in his SUV.
“Can I drive you?” He asked through the open car window and Emily nodded, a real smile grazing her lips for the first time in weeks. Aaron helped her with her bags and his fingers intertwined with hers for a moment before he started the drive towards the airport.
“I’ll miss you.” He said once they were there, people rushing by with their baggage at the busy airport.
“I love you.” She replied, not wanting to leave without telling him one more time.
“I love you too.” He kissed her, gentle and slow, his hand on her cheek in a vain attempt to keep her close.
Emily kissed him back, trying to pour all of her emotions into the kiss that left her breathless. When she pulled back he was smiling, it was a sad smile but a smile nonetheless and she smiled back.
“If I don’t go now, I don’t think I ever will.” She confessed quietly. “Tell Jack that I love him too, please?” Her pleading eyes stared up at him and when he nodded she breathed a sigh of relief.
“I will, now go.” He let go of her and watched as she picked up her bag. Without another word Emily turned around and walked toward the entrance, leaving her old life behind and trying to get ready for her new one.