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I only wanted to bury my hands into the Milky Way but instead I fell right through. I tumbled and rolled until I crashed into you; or was it you who fell into me?
I recall you being someone who also wanted only a little but ended up getting way too much. I recall you being like me.
When I saw you I thought that you didn’t belong here, you belonged with the sun. I thought perhaps, maybe, you were the sun.
Why were you not the sun?
I remember reaching out to touch you but you were just centimetres out of my grasp. That distance between us. It left me upset and wanting yet another thing it seemed I could not have…
Several weeks passed without us noticing and by then I had finally managed to reach you, a miracle in itself. You were soft to the touch and sent a certain type of sadness down my spine that I had yet to figure out.
Consciously I thought that you really were one of a kind and that I was unbelievably lucky to have even met you. Then, almost as abrupt as your arrival, you began falling again but this time it was away from me.
Why did you have to leave?
“Calum!” You shouted, voice panicked, as you began to slip. I remember the way you looked as the atmosphere around you, or was it simply you, began to tilt and I remember feeling as if I was tilting as well. I remember desperately wishing that you really were the sun so that you wouldn’t ever have to leave.
I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t, so I tried reaching for you like I did before but this time, somehow, it didn’t work.
Why didn’t it work?
I tried grabbing your hand but your fingers slipped right through mine and I moved back in shock wondering how that had just happened. You looked just as shaken, hands quivering as your hazel eyes looked my way.
I wish I never saw those eyes.
My eyes locked on yours and I didn’t quite register it at the time but I had begun hysterically shouting into the void.
“Ash! Hold on-I-Ashton!” The yelling didn’t cease, it only continued.
I watched as you fell, as you crashed down to Earth. I remember wondering whether it was possible for me to just crash with you because I didn’t think I could ever go on without you.
I tried my hardest to fall with you but I couldn’t. I was stuck on my star and it would not tilt, it would not waver, it simply remained motionless as it always had.
Your screams were so, so loud and sometimes I feel as if I can still hear them. Heart in my throat, I watched you descend. You crashed into the Earth and nobody noticed. Nobody knew. Nobody heard your final scream, “I love you!”
Nobody but me.
It was as if you never existed and I dreaded the mere thought of that. Now however, I often find myself wishing you never existed so that this unbearable ache in my chest could go away.
Why won’t it go away?
My heart’s been torn in two and the bleeding has yet to stop. Though bandages won’t work, nor will surgery. For this heart is destined to bleed until it feels content and I fear that, that may be never.