Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You’re staring again.”

Renjun’s whole body jerks, as Jaemin’s words cut through his thoughts, and catapult him out of his very enjoyable, very vivid daydream, and back into reality.

Reality is much less pleasant.

Jaemin looks at him through narrow eyes - disapproving and judgmental. His green highlighter hovers above the anatomy notes he’s been making his way through steadily over the past hour, and Renjun feels a stab of guilt when he considers his own neglected essay.

He shifts his body, angling himself away from the distracting sight of the boy who has now uncapped his water bottle and brought it to his lips. “I am not staring.”

Jaemin scoffs, unconvinced.

But it’s true.

He really isn’t staring. All he is doing is casually appreciating the other student’s aesthetics. Today, he’s sitting at a desk just two rows away from where Renjun and his friends are sitting, and it’s the perfect opportunity for Renjun to admire his form - the strong angle of his jaw, the perfect contrast of pitch-black hair to pale skin, the well-fitted black t-shirt stretched tightly over his broad shoulders. Renjun is an art student - he’s supposed to appreciate beauty, and his careful observations were all purely scholarly, and had nothing to do with the fact that he’d like to crawl into the stranger’s lap and suck bruises into the perfect column of his neck.

Renjun crosses his arms, and leans back in his seat. “I’m not staring,” he repeats, looking between Jaemin and Donghyuck.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes at Renjun’s insistent denial. “Whatever you choose to call it, it’s still creepy,” he says. “Just talk to him. Your sexual frustration is putting me off my essay.”

“That might just be the essay putting you off your essay,” Jaemin suggests.

Donghyuck considers the possibility. “Maybe,” he admits reluctantly. “But I’m sure that Renjun’s pathetic staring isn’t helping.”

Renjun bristles at Donghyuck’s words. He is not pathetic. He’s about to tell Donghyuck as much, when Donghyuck cuts him off. “It’s been weeks of this. Just go over there and talk to him. It’s easy.” He reaches over to give Renjun’s shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “You’re twenty-two, grow a pair. I’m sick of watching you salivate.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Why not?” Donghyuck demands. “Sure, he’s hot. But so are you.”

Jaemin pouts. “Good to know you think our best friend is hot,” he mutters.

Donghyuck grins at his boyfriend’s pettiness. “Don’t be jealous, babe.” He blows Jaemin an exaggerated kiss, lips smacking wetly against the palm of his hand. “I think you’re hot too.”

Renjun wrinkles his nose in distaste. “You’re both disgusting.”

“And you’re changing the subject,” Donghyuck says sharply, as if it were Renjun’s fault and not his own boyfriend’s that he’d been momentarily distracted from his mission to annoy the hell out of Renjun. “We’re not done here. Why won’t you talk to him, when you spend half the time we’re here watching him and sighing like you’re the lead in a teen romance?.” His gaze drifts between Renjun and the boy in question, expression turning thoughtful. “Hmmm...he is pretty intimidating,” he says slowly. His eyes grow wide. “Are you scared?”

Renjun’s fingers clench around the pen he’s holding, skin turning white.“I am not scared,” Renjun says through gritted teeth. The insinuation is insulting, and he will not stand for it.

“Then what?”

“I’m just not interested,” Renjun says simply.

“The patch of drool on your sleeve says otherwise.”

Renjun glares at Jaemin. “I do not drool.” He breathes deeply through his nose. “And I’m not going to talk to him, because there’s no point.”

Jaemin’s mouth drops open. “That,” he jerks his in the direction of the guy, who’s now glaring at his phone, an icy expression on his face. Renjun half-expects the screen to shatter under the intensity of that look. “-That is the point. He’s hot.”

“So it’s ok for you to say things like that, but not for me?” Donghyuck whines.

“Yes,” Jaemin says dismissively. He turns his attention back to Renjun. “Isn’t it at least worth a try?”

Renjun sighs. He wishes his friends would just drop the subject. He knows what he’s doing.

He’s content with just looking. He doesn’t need to humiliate himself in front of the beautiful stranger, his own friends and everyone in the library, to know that he and the boy would never work out. He’s spent countless hours studying the boy’s face, and yet he’s never seen him smile - never seen a spark of emotion flit across the coldly perfect face. Add in the ripped black jeans, studded leather jacket, and the ripple of muscle straining unsubtly against the fabric of his shirt, and Renjun knows with absolute certainty that they couldn’t possibly have anything in common.

Renjun likes walks along the river, soft ballads, long lazy days on the couch; He is all smirks, and danger, and most likely has a million admirers much more suited to him than Renjun could ever be.

Renjun isn’t being judgemental, he’s realistic. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes one plus one equals two. Sometimes fantasies were better off staying fantasies.

Renjun’s not stupid - he isn’t about to walk in front of a switchblade just because it’s pretty.

But he’s not in the mood to explain all of that to his friends right now, so he just glares at Jaemin’s expectant face - still waiting on an answer. “No, it’s not. I don’t have time for distractions,” Renjun says, tapping his pen impatiently against his open textbook. “I have a lot of studying to do.”

Donghyuck looks like he’s about to argue, but Renjun has had enough of the subject. “Isn’t your essay due in like three hours?” he asks Donghyuck sharply.

The glimmer of panic that crosses Donghyuck’s face is a cheap thrill.

***

For the next two weeks, Renjun is pretty good at keeping the ogling to a minimum. Or rather he’s pretty good at not getting caught, because despite his best efforts, he still finds his gaze drifting unconsciously to the boy in the library.

It’s entirely understandable - he’s beautiful and desperately attractive, and Renjun’s only human. Even so, nothing has changed. Renjun still has no interest in approaching him. He continues to look just as cold and untouchable as ever. Definitely not the kind of person who’d consider a night of Renjun’s home cooking, and Jenga to be a thrilling evening. He tells Donghyuck as much the two times he decides to bring this up again. The third time he tells him to fuck off.

Despite a few slip ups, Renjun is impressed with himself. He has this under control. He actually manages to get some studying done - just in time for exams. He’s still a little behind on the material - not surprising, considering Renjun’s been distracted every time he made his appearance in the library. That, on top of Renjun’s natural tendency to procrastinate, has left him a little less prepared than he should be.

But it’s nothing a few all-nighters won’t fix.

It’s why he finds himself at the library so late. Donghyuck and Jaemin had abandoned him hours ago in favour of a ‘movie’ which will probably turn into traumatising Yangyang with their obnoxiously loud sex-marathon. Renjun just hopes it’s over by the time he crawls home.

It’s just gone three o’clock and not for the first time, Renjun is overwhelmed by gratitude to whoever came up with the idea of 24 hour operating hours during the week before exams. He owes them a blood debt.

His usual study room is almost deserted - it’s just him and a girl with purple streaks through her hair, snoring quietly into the crook of her elbow. It’s quiet, peaceful and Renjun’s making good progress. He’s almost done with revising his notes for chapters three and four - which, granted, he was supposed to have finished three days ago - but there was no use in thinking about that. He can’t change the past.

Renjun yawns and glances down at his phone, and he’s just about ready to pack it in for the night. He just needs to finish the last few sections, but the late hour is starting to catch up to him. His brain feels sluggish, his thoughts jumbled. He needs coffee.

He knows that there’s a vending machine in the library foyer, so Renjun pulls out his wallet, not bothering to pick up his things (it’s three am, and there’s no one around to steal them). He trudges his way through the empty library, and after carefully counting out his coins, he gratefully pops open the can of coffee that the vending machine spits out at him.

By the time he makes it back to the study room, the purple-haired girl is gone.

But Renjun is not alone.

Sometime in the few minutes that Renjun had been away, chasing his much needed caffeine fix - he had showed up.

Renjun blinks in surprise. He’s not entirely sure he’s not experiencing a fatigue-induced hallucination. It’s not just the weird hour, and the absurdity of the coincidence that’s throwing Renjun off, but Renjun can hardly believe that this is the same guy he’s been watching from across the library since the beginning of semester.

Tonight, he looks so different. Grey hoodie, soft fringe falling across his forehead, and round glasses perched on his nose. He looks tired, undone. Still inhumanly beautiful - just different.

He starts pulling books from his black backpack, arranging them methodically around himself. Renjun quietly returns to his own desk, slipping into his seat unnoticed. He forces his attention back to his notes. He’d been doing so well, he couldn’t let hot, mysterious boys distract him from the all-important mission of not failing his classes.

But it’s not that easy to extinguish the spark of curiosity that’s burning in his chest. Renjun has so many questions. Like, what was he doing here at this hour? It was one thing to be like Renjun - camping out in the library since the previous day, desperately trying to catch up on work he’d let pile up over the semester - something else entirely to just show up at the library at four am.

Had he just returned from a wild party? A shift at a biker bar? His soft, tired appearance seemed to discount these possibilities, but you never could be sure. Maybe he was having trouble sleeping?

No.

Renjun brings this train of thought to a halting crash.

He doesn’t have time for this. Renjun is a man on a mission. He still has studying to do. His will is iron, his self-control is unshakeable. He takes a grounding breath, and straightens out his pile of notes.

He is ready.

Except the universe has other ideas, because no sooner has Renjun picked up his pen, head bent diligently over his work, when music blasts through the library.

“-ntimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium -”

Renjun’s head shoots up.

His eyes zero in on the other boy, who’s staring at his phone in shock. It takes him a moment to react, but then he scrambles for his phone, desperately tapping on the screen, fingers slipping, clearly missing the pause button in his panic, because the music keeps blaring, only this time the song changes.

“Do-do-do-Dora, Dora Dora Dora the explorer, who’s that cool exploradora? -”

After what seems like an eternity, the boy’s fingers find the pause button and the song cuts out.

The silence that follows is deafening. The boy slowly lifts his head, wide eyes meeting Renjun’s from across the room. His cheeks are stained red, and Renjun can’t help himself.

He gestures exaggeratedly towards his own ears. “I think your Airpods aren’t connected,” he says straight-faced and serious.

The boy slumps forward, burying his face in his hands.

Renjun almost feels sorry for him.

Almost.

Instead, something about his reaction makes Renjun want to tease him, to see how far he can take it. He doesn’t understand it - maybe it’s the exhaustion, maybe just the sheer shock of seeing him here, maybe it’s something else entirely. Whatever the reason, Renjun realises that he should probably get out of there, before he says or does something he’d regret in the morning.

He carefully packs up his things. All thoughts of notes and studying are gone from his head. He doesn’t feel too guilty about deserting his post - distractions aside, given how tired he is, there doesn’t seem to be much point. He pulls on his denim jacket and slings his backpack over one shoulder, and makes his way toward the exit.

He almost makes it out of there.

But Renjun has never been able to resist the opportunity to prod and poke. His steps slow as he crosses the room, coming to a sudden halt by the boy’s desk. His whole body tenses, as he looks up at Renjun with huge shiny puppy eyes, and Renjun is once again struck with how different he looks to his usual. His face is clouded with apprehension, ears still pink with embarrassment.

Renjun opens his mouth, teasing words poised on the tip of his tongue, but the mortified horror on the guy’s face, forces them back down his throat.

It’s a weird feeling - he’s not usually this easily disarmed.

In a split-second decision, Renjun shoves his hand into his pockets, and pulls out his headphones, a knotted mess of wires. He drops the headphones in front of the boy.

He’s not sure why he does it.

It must be the exhaustion.

The boy looks between Renjun, and the headphones, mouth turned down, furrow forming between his eyebrows.

It’s very cute.

Renjun bites the inside of this cheek to keep himself from smiling at the pure confusion on the boy’s face. “Good luck with the studying, Dora.”

“It’s Jeno,” he blurts out lamely. His eyes dart up to meet Renjun’s, wide with surprise at his own outburst. It’s the first thing he’s said all night, and his voice is pleasantly deep. It sends a thrill of delight down Renjun’s spine, despite the boring response.

Renjun shrugs, and gives Jeno an angelic smile. “See you around,” he says, and finally turns to leave.

***

“He’s looking at you,” Donghyuck announces, poking Renjun hard in the arm. “Sure, it makes a nice change from you staring at him, but I wonder what he wants.”

Renjun looks up from his laptop. He follows Donghyuck’s gaze, eyes falling on Jeno who is indeed staring in their direction. He’s back in his usual uniform of black on black on black, harsh and intimidating, but the moment their eyes meet, Jeno looks away, blushing furiously.

It’s an interesting contrast.

“Huh.” Donghyuck blinks in surprise. His voice turns thoughtful. “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Renjun says dismissively.

Donghyuck frowns. “No. That was definitely something,” he says slowly, eyeing Jeno with renewed interest. “Did you finally talk to him?”

“It was nothing,” Renjun repeats. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t told his friends about Jeno, only that it didn’t feel right. It still doesn’t.

But Donghyuck won’t let up. “Then explain the blushing and furtive glances,” he demands.

“I don’t know,” Renjun snaps. “You’re imagining them?”

“I’m a lot of things but I’m not delusional,” Donghyuck says vehemently. He looks back towards Jeno, who’s determinedly paging through his textbook. “And that was definitely some kind of interest. What if he thinks you’re cute? Go and talk to him.”

Renjun hesitates. “No.”

It doesn’t come out as firm as last time, and Donghyuck immediately senses the change. He leans over to Renjun, digs his sharp chin into Renjun’s shoulder. “Renjun,” he whines. “Please.”

Renjun sighs. “Why do you want me to talk to him so badly?”

“Because you’re lonely.”

Renjun narrows his eyes, mouth open, ready to protest, but Donghyuck cuts him off before he has a chance. “There’s no shame in it,” he tells Renjun. “But you don’t have to stay that way.”

“Are you sure you don’t just want to watch me humiliate myself?”

Donghyuck pulls away from Renjun. “What?” His eyes are full of reproach. “Of course not. I would never. You know it’s only fun for me if I’m the one embarrassing you.”

He has a point.

“Besides,” Donghyuck continues. “He’s stealing glances at you and blushing. I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

Renjun lets his gaze drift towards Jeno.

“Come on,” Donghyuck coaxes. “You know I won’t shut up about it until you do.”

Renjun sighs. “How does Jaemin put up with you?”

“Well…. I can do this thing with my tongue whe-”

Renjun claps a hand over Donghyuck’s mouth. “Okay,” he hisses. “I don’t want to hear that. I’ll go and say hi. Just please shut up.”

Donghyuck claps him on the shoulder, a triumphant grin on his face. “There’s a good boy.”

Renjun closes his eyes, breathes deeply through his nose. He doesn’t want to admit it, but it’s more than Donghyuck’s nagging and the threat of hearing about his sex life, that has him agreeing to talk to Jeno.

Something had changed when he’d seen Jeno that night in the library. The soft clothes, the glasses, the embarrassment - it had all been so warm and so human. That night had stripped away the veil of cold perfection that surrounded him. The children’s music had been so at odds with Renjun’s expectations. If not for Jeno’s blushing, he might have thought he’d dreamed it all up - the product of sleep deprivation.

But Jeno was blushing.

He wondered what other surprising things Jeno might be hiding.

But he wasn’t about to do anything with Donghyuck watching. He pulls his hand away from Donghyuck’s mouth, wiping his damp palm on his jeans. “I’ll do it,” he says. “But you’re not going to stay here and gape at me. I’m not your social experiment.”

Donghyuck pouts. “What am I supposed to do then?”

Renjun heaves a sigh. He hates himself for what he’s about to do. Future-Renjun hates him even more. “I think Jaemin’s at home.”

Donghyuck’s eyes light up. “Oh.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “Just get out of here.”

Donghyuck scrambles for his bag, throwing his books in any which way - as if he and Jaemin hadn’t been dating for the better part of two years. It’s disgusting and Renjun’s definitely not jealous. “Thanks Jun,” Donghyuck says, sounding slightly out of breath. “See you later.”

Renjun nods. “Much later.”

As Donghyuck beelines towards the exit, Renjun pulls out his phone, sending a quick warning text to their other roommate, Yangyang: Nahyuck incoming.

It’s the least he can do.

***

Half an hour after Donghyuck’s enthusiastic departure, Renjun’s still firmly glued to his seat. He’s not sure what the problem is.

He wants to talk to Jeno.

And Renjun isn’t known for being shy. Sure, he isn’t Donghyuck’s level of obnoxious extrovert, but he’s never paid too much mind to what others thought of him, carrying himself with a quiet confidence. It’s one of his better qualities.

And yet here he is, worried about approaching a boy who was filling his ears with children’s songs at 4 am in the morning.

This is ridiculous, Renjun thinks to himself. I’m ridiculous. He imagines himself telling Donghyuck that he’d failed - that he’d been too much of a coward to approach Jeno. He pictures Donghyuck’s famous look of disdain in vivid hyper-realistic detail.

It’s exactly the push he needs because suddenly he’s throwing his belongings into his bag, and crossing the room, straight-backed and determined.

Nothing motivates quite like pride and spite.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he slides into the seat beside Jeno, empty as always. Jeno’s entire body jerks up, his knees knocking against the table.

He yanks out one of his earbuds. It swings gently on its cable, stark white against the darkness of Jeno’s sweatshirt.

They’re his earphones, Renjun notes with surprise.

Jeno tilts his head in confusion. “Hi?” It’s hesitant, uncertain, like he isn’t sure what Renjun is about to do next. Renjun doesn’t blame him - he himself has no idea.

“Hi, I’m Renjun,” he says, feeling clumsy and awkward, but he won’t let the feeling overwhelm him. He wasn’t the one caught listening to the Dora theme song, he definitely has the upper hand here.

“Did you want something?” Jeno prompts cautiously. He’s still looking at Renjun with that wary, mistrustful expression.

Renjun shakes his head. “Just came by to say hi,” he says slowly. “And ask how you’re enjoying your new headphones.”

Jeno’s eyebrow inches upwards. “Is that all?”

It sounds like a challenge.

“No,” Renjun admits. He chooses his words carefully. “I also wanted to compliment you on your music taste.”

He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, and this could backfire spectacularly, but he thinks that if he treats Jeno like he would a friend, he’s almost halfway to the real thing. He waits for Jeno’s answer, hardly daring to breathe.

Jeno sighs, the tips of his ears turning faintly pink. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?” He sounds resigned, but the corner of his lip twitches.

“A little bit.” He nods towards Jeno’s phone. “I also couldn’t help wondering what else you have on there. Nursery rhymes?” He leans closer to Jeno, not sure where this sudden burst of confidence is coming from, but taking full advantage. He lowers his voice to a whisper. “The Wiggles?”

“Alright, alright,” Jeno waves him off. “Get it all out of your system.” He crosses his arms, and bites his lower lip. “But just so we’re clear, that’s not all I listen to.”

Renjun raises an eyebrow.

“It’s really not,” Jeno insists. “What you heard-”

“The Dora the Explorer theme song,” Renjun interrupts.

“Yes, that,” Jeno says, rubbing at his temples. “That’s not what I usually listen to. Most of the time I listen to regular music, just like everyone else.”

It feels like an opportunity.

Renjun takes it.

“Like what?”

***

“I did it,” Renjun announces.

“That’s great,” Jaemin says, leaning his body to the left, trying to see past Renjun. “But can you move? We're trying to watch the movie.”

Donghyuck pops a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “What is it that you did?” he says, chewing loudly. Renjun can see the half-chewed popcorn in his mouth. He shudders.

“The thing,” he says vaguely, because Jaemin is right there, and he doesn’t want to make a big deal of something that’s still nothing, and Jaemin is the human embodiment of making a fuss. “That you told me to do. I did it.”

Jaemin snaps his fingers gleefully. “Oh. You talked to your library boy.”

Renjun glares at Donghyuck, who just shrugs, unconcerned.

“It’s cute that you think Hyuck would ever keep anything from me.” Jaemin pats the space between him and Donghyuck, gesturing for Renjun to sit down.

Renjun throws himself down into the empty space, sinking into the cushions. “When did he even have time to tell you,” Renjun grumbles. “I thought you were supposed to be otherwise preoccupied.”

“It’s better if you don’t know,” Donghyuck says, patting Renjun’s thigh.

Renjun blinks at him, mouth twisting with disgust. “Both of you need therapy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jaemin dismisses. “Heard that one before. Mostly from you.” He tucks his legs underneath him, shifting his body to face Renjun. “But how did it go? With hot library boy.”

“His name is Jeno.”

“And?” Jaemin presses.

“And,” Renjun feels his cheeks grow warm. “I think I’m going to talk to him again.”

“Cute” Jaemin coos, grabbing for Renjun’s cheeks.

Renjun swats him away, but he can’t bring himself to feel too annoyed.

Because he has Jeno’s number in his phone and the promise to meet in the library in a few days, and that’s enough to offset any number of Jaemin’s cheek pinches.

***

Being with Jeno is alarmingly easy.

They both like music, bad sci-fi movies, and spicy chicken. Both would take a quiet night at home over a party, like cats over dogs, and both have a messed up tendency towards perfectionism.

They don’t agree on everything - Jeno’s music taste is often questionable (he has no respect for Justin Bieber, and he listens to more Drake than is healthy), he goes to the gym every morning before class (Renjun would rather die, and if he attempted it - he probably would), and he thinks that dark chocolate actually qualifies as a dessert.

But none of that seems to matter. He can put up with Jeno forcing him to listen to another Maroon 5 song, because Jeno laughs at all the sharp, prickly things that come out of Renjun’s mouth. He accepts Renjun’s relentless teasing with a sigh, and a gentle smile. He knows how to be quiet, knows when Renjun needs to be pushed. He’s quietly surprisingly funny, and disarmingly cute.

He slips into Renjun’s life easily, comfortably.

“You’re nothing like I expected,” Renjun tells him one day, as they’re huddled together in the library. They’re supposed to be working - Jeno has a paper due the following week, and Renjun has three chapters of art theory to summarise. Instead, they’re hunched over Jeno’s phone, rewatching Sky Castle. Renjun has Jeno’s earphone in one ear, and the space between them is shrinking rapidly, as they struggle to watch the action on the small screen. Renjun’s leg is thrown over Jeno’s knee, and Jeno’s head is resting on Renjun’s shoulder. It’s nice, comfortable - and Renjun likes it more than he’s given himself permission to.

Jeno angles his head to look up at Renjun, a crease forming between his eyebrows as he shifts his attention from the screen, and onto Renjun. “Is that a good thing?”

Renjun shrugs.

What it is, is a problem - but he can’t tell Jeno that. “It’s a just a statement, Jen.”

“Don’t be vague. You’re the one who brought it up.” He pauses the drama and leans back into his own chair. Renjun mourns the loss of contact. “What did you expect me to be like?”

Renjun lifts his hand to rub nervously at his neck. He’s a little ashamed of how he’d misjudged Jeno. “I don’t know. Scary?”

Jeno looks perplexed. “Why?

“You wear a lot of black.”

Jeno frowns. “Yeah. Because it’s easy to match.”

Renjun feels increasingly embarrassed. “And you never smiled.”

“I was studying. Do you smile at your textbooks?”

“Good point,” Renjun concedes. “I already know I was wrong. But you can’t blame me, even you have to admit that you’re pretty intimidating.”

Jeno tilts his head in confusion.

Renjun can’t believe he has to explain this. “You’ve got the whole ice prince thing going on. All that black, the silent stares, your perfect face.”

Jeno’s eyes grow wide. “You think my face is perfect?”

Renjun freezes. He wasn’t supposed to say that, even if it was true.

He laughs stiffly. “Too bad it’s attached to an idiot,” he says, patting Jeno lightly on the cheek.

Jeno closes his eyes at the contact, brief enough that Renjun might have imagined it, because just as quickly, Jeno is looking at him with those big eyes, twinkling with the promise of mischief. “Takes one to know one,” he shoots back, with a small smile.

It doesn’t feel like an insult.

An invisible hand reaches into Renjun’s chest, and squeezes at his heart.

***

“Jeno is staring at you again,” Donghyuck says.

“And what about it?” Renjun says, keeping his voice carefully casual. He doesn’t care. Not even a little.

He steals a quick glance at Jeno, and when their eyes meet, it’s nothing like the first time. Jeno doesn’t look away, just jerks his head to indicate the empty space beside him, a small smile dimpling his cheeks.

It makes Renjun’s whole body feel warm and weightless, but as much as he wants to rush over to Jeno, it’s not their day. He’d promised to study with Hyuck and Jaemin, and Renjun keeps his promises. He shakes his head apologetically, looking pointedly at his friends.

Jeno looks disappointed, but he shrugs, and returns his attention back to his books.

When Renjun turns his attention back to his friends, Donghyuck is looking at him with a knowing smirk. “You want to go over there,” he says smugly.

“No, I don’t.”

“You should go over there,” Jaemin butts in.

“No, I’m hanging out with you.” Renjun isn’t about to become one of those people who ditch their friends for the first cute boy who pays them any attention. Even if it’s Jeno.

Jaemin huffs in exasperation, the sudden gust of breath sending a ripple through the pages of loose notes he has piled up in front of him. “You see us all the time. You live with us, Renjun. Go to your boy.”

“He’s not my boy,” Renjun denies.

“He wants to be.”

“I’m not so sure,” Renjun says.

“You’re just too scared to believe it,” Jaemin says. “Go study with Jeno. You want to. He wants you to. And we’re not going anywhere.”

Renjun looks between his friends and Jeno, torn over what he should do. “Are you sure?” he asks.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Just go already.”

***

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Jeno tells him as Renjun slips into his usual seat on Jeno’s right.

“I got a reprieve.” Renjun looks over at Jeno’s books. He’s surrounded by a wall of thick, dull-looking books, laptop open to a blank document, cursor blinking mockingly. “What are you doing?” He picks up one of Jeno’s books, runs his fingers down the spine. “What’s this one about?”

“Nothing exciting. It’s just a collection of letters,” Jeno tells him, plucking the books from Renjun’s hands. “For my next essay.”

“So you’re snooping through someone’s personal letters?” Renjun sighs exaggeratedly, shakes his head in theatrical disappointment. “Sounds pretty intrusive.”

“She’s very dead. I don’t think she’ll mind.”

“Who is it? Someone important?”

“Not in the way you’re thinking.”

“Then what’s the point of studying her letters, if she’s no one special?”

Jeno shrugs. “It’s not really about her. It’s about what these letters can tell us about how people lived at the time. Not everything in history is about wars, and presidents, and huge world-shaking events. Sometimes it’s about normal people, like you and me.” Jeno tugs on the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling it over his hands. “I like thinking about it like that. It’s nice to think that even if we don’t achieve anything momentous, we can still matter.”

“But what if I don’t leave a trail of letters for future Jenos to dissect,” Renjun teases. “Do I still matter then?”

The expression on Jeno’s face is uncharacteristically serious. “You’ll always matter, Renjun.”

Renjun inhales sharply.

He’s not sure what to say. The problem with Jeno is that even though he’s not free with his feelings the way Jaemin or Donghyuck are, when he says something, he always means it. It’s not good for Renjun’s brain or his heart, now rabbiting in his chest like the time he’d been dared to drink Jaemin’s coffee.

He can’t help but wonder whether when Jeno says you’ll always matter, what he actually means is you’ll always matter to me.

It’s a slight but important difference.

The moment feels loaded. Jeno’s looking at him with a strange intensity, and something desperate tugs in Renjun’s chest.

Renjun almost tells him.

I like you.

It wouldn’t be that hard. The words threaten to spill out his mouth.

But then Jeno’s looking past him, a frown on his face. “Why are your friends staring at us?”

The moment breaks.

Renjun follows Jeno’s gaze across the library, until it lands on Jaemin and Donghyuck. Donghyuck waves at him cheerfully. Renjun clenches his fists, resisting the urge to make a rude gesture at him.

He gives Jeno’s thigh a placating squeeze. “Don’t worry about it. And only Donghyuck is staring. Jaemin’s face just looks like that.”

“Ok,” Jeno says slowly. “But why is he staring?”

They’re staring because I’m interested in you, and they’re interested in me being interested in you doesn’t seem like the right answer, so Renjun just shrugs. “They’re just weird.”

Jeno doesn’t seem convinced. He casts a worried glance at Renjun’s friends. “Are they annoyed you ditched them for me?” He sounds concerned, and Renjun doesn’t know how to tell him that it was the opposite - his friends had practically given him their blessing to go sit with Jeno. “Do you want to invite them over to sit with us?”

Renjun freezes. “No,” he says firmly.

“Why not?”

“Just no.”

Jeno frowns. “Do you not want me to meet them?” For some reason he sounds upset. “Do you think they won’t like me?”

Renjun almost laughs at that. Because the thought had never even entered his mind. He knows without hesitation that Jaemin would absolutely adore Jeno, if they were to meet.

But he isn’t ready to share him just yet.

“Don’t be stupid,” Renjun tells him. “They would love you.”

“Then why?”

Renjun lets out a breath. “I just kind of like having you all to myself.”

It’s more honest than he’d usually allow himself to be, but Jeno’s answering smile, the way he leans further into Renjun’s space, his shoulder pressed against Renjun’s - it makes it worth it.

***

“What do you need to go to the library for?” Jaemin complains. “Exams are over.”

“I just don’t want to fall behind again,” Renjun says evasively, shoving the remainder of his sandwich into his mouth.

“And there’s no other reason?” Donghyuck pushes. “None at all?”

“Nope,” Renjun says, through a mouthful of bread.

He’s lying. His friends know he’s lying. He knows they know they’re lying.

They make sure he does.

“You’re such a liar,” Jaemin says.

“Say hi to Jeno for us,” Donghyuck tells him. His expression turns wicked. “Have you told him you’re in love with him yet.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Renjun snaps. “I just like him. And no, not yet.”

“Then when?” Jaemin demands.

Renjun slings his bag over his shoulder. “When the moment is right.”

“And when will that be?”

Renjun doesn’t know.

***

The moment arrives sooner than he’d expected. It catches him completely unprepared, crashing into him with no warning.

He’d just arrived in the library, mumbling his apologies. He was late - his little chat with Donghyuck and Jaemin throwing off his carefully planned schedule.

Jeno smiles at him, as he accepts the consolation coffee Renjun had picked up for him.

Jeno gestures apologetically to his phone. He has his earphones in, and Renjun can see a blurred face on the screen. “Facetime,” he mouths to Renjun.

Renjun nods and pulls out his laptop. “I have to go,” Jeno says quietly.

A pause. Jeno sighs deeply.

He pulls out one of his headphones. “Chenle wants to say hi.”

He turns the screen to Renjun. A boy with sharp features, and a shock of blonde hair peers up at him with interest, then turns back to Jeno, talking quickly.

Renjun can’t hear the other side of the conversation but there’s a frown on Jeno’s face.

“No.” A sigh. “Maybe.”

“Ok.”

“Not now, Chenle."

“I really have to go.

“Ok, I will. Now hang up.”

Renjun looks at him, concerned. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. Just Chenle being annoying.”

He doesn’t elaborate, and Renjun doesn’t push.

They settle into their usual routine. Jeno’s phone lies between them, soft music playing through their shared headphones (the airpods have slowly earned back Jeno’s lost trust). Jeno pages absentmindedly through his book, but his heart isn’t in it.

After about fifteen minutes, he gives up all pretence of study.

“Renjun?”

“Mmm?” Renjun hums looking up from his notes. Jeno is looking at him strangely, his eyes studying him in a way that makes Renjun feel self-conscious

“Why did you start talking to me?”

Renjun freezes. “I’m sorry?”

Jeno angles his body until he’s facing Renjun. “That first time. Why did you do it?”

Renjun put down his pen. He’s not sure that this is a conversation he’s ready for.

“Why do you ask?” It’s measured and careful. His tone is a combination of Do not look behind the curtain and There’s nothing to see here. Renjun’s stomach twists - any misstep and he’d be found out.

“I just -” Jeno swallows. He shakes his head - a tiny movement, almost unnoticeable. “Actually, never mind,” he mutters. “It doesn’t matter.”

That, more than anything is the trigger. The reluctance, the barriers slamming down right in front of Renjun’s face. Jeno is usually honest, direct - just like Renjun but with smoother edges, less likely to prickle. If it truly didn’t matter, Renjun would have gotten a straight answer.

He reaches out for Jeno, laying a hand on the side of his arm, fingers resting lightly against bare skin. Jeno turns his head slowly, like he’s afraid of what Renjun might say. It’s a mirror of the look he’d worn that first time Renjun had approached him.

Jeno’s expression is so vulnerable, so fraught with something, that it makes Renjun think fuck it.

“Do you really want to know?”

He’s not ready for this conversation, but he’ll never be ready for it. And he’s tired of pretending.

Jeno doesn’t say anything, just nods. His eyes don’t leave Renjun’s face.

Renjun takes a breath, jagged and uneven. “I came up to you, because I wanted to.” The words mean nothing, but to Renjun they feel like a confession. He’d wanted to. All this time, he’d wanted. Renjun can’t bring himself to look at Jeno. If he looks at Jeno’s face right now, he might not be able to go through with this, so he just focuses on his hand, which had now slipped down Jeno’s arm. His hands look small, his hold on Jeno’s elbow timid - and that’s exactly how he feels. “You’re so gorgeous, Jen,” he continues. “So ridiculously, unreasonably beautiful. I noticed you ages ago. That sounds so shallow but that's how it started. Still, I never would have talked to you if not for that night in the library.” Renjun’s mouth feels dry. “It was the stupid music. It was so unexpected, and suddenly I wanted to know more. And then I found out you were a dork, with a terrible sense of humour, and I just couldn’t stop coming back.”

The silence that follows Renjun’s confession feels endless. Renjun can’t stand it. He forces himself to look at Jeno. “Can you please say something?”

Anything.

Jeno blinks slowly. He looks as though he’s coming out of a trance. “Was that a romantic confession?”

Renjun feels his cheeks grow hot. “Isn’t that obvious?”

“Just making sure,” Jeno says. He leans closer, knee sliding between Renjun’s, as he positions himself so that they’re facing each other. “Before I embarrass myself.”

“You do that all the time anyway,” Renjun grumbles. His heart flutters nervously in his chest.

“Only in front of the boy I like.”

“Oh my god,” Renjun closes his eyes and breathes out slowly, like Jeno’s response is causing him physical pain. “You are such a loser.”

He lightly shoves Jeno’s chest, but Jeno grabs for his hand before he has a chance to push him away. He can feel the steady beat of Jeno’s heart beneath his palm, Jeno’s hand warm over his.

“But you like me,” Jeno says happily. Jeno pulls Renjun’s hand from his chest, tangling their fingers together. Renjun looks down at the entwined fingers, now resting gently atop his thigh. Jeno’s hands are beautiful - slender wrists, long delicate fingers, and large enough to dwarf Renjun’s own. His grip on Renjun’s hand is solid.

Renjun could get used to holding his hand.

“I guess I do,” he finally replies. “Now can we get out of this library? I don't even know if you exist outside of it.”

Jeno nods eagerly. “Yes, please. I’ve spent more time here than I’d ever need to. I don’t want to see another book for the next six months.”

Renjun reluctantly lets go of Jeno’s hand. His hand feels empty without it, fingers clasping at thin air. He shoves his books into his bag haphazardly, then waits impatiently for Jeno to finish packing. He’s a lot more careful than Renjun.

When he’s finally done, Renjun holds out his hand.

Jeno wrinkles his nose. “You’re so demanding already.”

“Get used to it.”

They make their way towards the exit, joined hands hanging between them. Jeno’s shoulder knocks gently against his.

“Can we make a detour?”

Renjun frowns, but before he has a chance to answer, Jeno pulls him upstairs towards the main collection. They take the stairs up to the upper levels, and Renjun would complain, but there’s something about the determined set of Jeno’s shoulders that keeps him quiet.

The upper floor is almost empty. There are a few students perusing the shelves, but it’s so quiet that it feels as if he and Jeno are the only ones up here. Jeno tugs him towards one of the back shelves, 940-943.2, European History - Jeno’s playing field.

“What are we doing up here?”

Jeno looks suddenly nervous. He takes a tentative step towards Renjun, hands fidgeting restlessly at his side, before he lifts a hand to softly brush the hair from Renjun’s eyes.

Oh.

Renjun’s eyes flutter closed at the gentle touch. He steps closer. His hand goes to Jeno’s shoulder.

“We don’t have to,” Jeno says, hesitantly. “I just thought it would be romantic.”

“Been thinking about this a lot, have you?” Even now, Renjun can’t resist teasing him.

“All the time.”

The shy admission sets something smouldering in the pit of Renjun’s stomach. He doesn’t say anything, just takes Jeno’s hand, and places it on his own waist. He inches closer, closing the space between them.

He lifts his hand, tracing his fingers lightly along Jeno’s jaw. Jeno’s gasp is loud in his ears, and he feels the shudder that goes through Jeno’s body. It’s not so much Renjun’s touch, but the anticipation, that has Jeno leaning heavily against the shelves. “Just kiss me already.”

So he does.

Renjun’s hand slips to the back of Jeno’s neck. He presses a soft kiss to Jeno’s lips. Jeno kisses back shy and sweet, and he tastes like the fruit gummies he’s always eating.

It feels good, better than it should but Renjun wants more.

He pulls away, rests his forehead against Jeno’s. “You don’t have to be so careful,” he tells him.

Jeno doesn’t need to be told twice. His lips are still gentle, but more insistent, and Renjun parts his lips easily. Jeno is more confident this time, lets one hand tangle into Renjun’s hair, adjusting the angle of the kiss. It’s hot and wet, and perfect. Renjun desperately pulls Jeno closer, and kisses him fiercely enough to leave them both a little breathless.

When Jeno pulls away, his skin is flushed a deep pink, and his lips are swollen and shiny.

The sight of him so undone sends a thrill of pleasure down Renjun’s spine. “Guess we can check making out in a public place off the bucket list,” he says, once his breathing evens out. “What was that?”

Jeno shrugs. “You thought I was a bad boy,” he says slowly. His lip twitches. “I’m just trying to live up to your expectations.”

Renjun sighs.

Jeno was still a dork.

But at least now he has an easy way of getting him to shut up.

He pulls Jeno in for another kiss.