Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ACT ONE: A crowded bar, the Samovar.

ENSEMBLE:
It’s a Friday night in Moscow
That’s when we spill the tea
Give me something shocking
Come now, put your trust in me

If you’re down for drama
You don’t have to look too far
Get your daily gossip
Straight from the Samovar

Who cares if it’s true?
Who cares if it’s right?
We’re awfully fond of vodka
But we’re here for tea tonight

YULIA LIPNITSKAYA:
Madame Eteri got new lips

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
Korovin gave his girl the slip

EKATERINA BOBROVA:
I heard those two Bohemians have joined the Cabaret

KONSTANTIN MENSHOV:
No longer does Kolyada have a runny nose all day!

MAXIM TRANKOV:
Stolbova’s off to God-knows-where

ELENA RADIONOVA:
Medvedeva has cut her hair!

TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
The men are in a medal drought

ANNA POGORILAYA:
Katsalapov got kicked out!

ENSEMBLE:
Who cares if it’s true?
Who cares if it’s right?
We’re awfully fond of vodka
But we’re here for tea tonight

YULIA LIPNITSKAYA:
In Moscow, things are getting bad

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
‘Cause Grandma TAT is blazing mad!

EKATERINA BOBROVA:
I heard Christmas dinner didn’t go well

KONSTANTIN MENSHOV:
She told the fools to go to hell!

MAXIM TRANKOV:
Yagudin’s taken up the bottle

ELENA RADIONOVA:
Zhulin met a supermodel

TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
Sotnikova’s found an actor

ANNA POGORILAYA:
Plushenko needs a chiropractor!

ENSEMBLE:
Who cares if it’s true?
Who cares if it’s right?
We’re awfully fond of vodka
But we’re here for tea tonight

YULIA LIPNITSKAYA:
Tarasova’s with Sochi’s Gomez Addams

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
What happened to her and Candyman?

EKATERINA BOBROVA:
It seems that Fedor started looking elsewhere

KONSTANTIN MENSHOV:
After his own partner got the ban

MAXIM TRANKOV:
Zabiiako and Enbert called it quits

ELENA RADIONOVA:
What’s with all these tragic splits?

TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
Now Mozer’s got no one at all

ANNA POGORILAYA:
Moskvina’s playing basketball!

ENSEMBLE gasps.

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV (spoken):
Now that can’t be!

ANNA POGORILAYA (spoken, shrugging):
It’s no more bizarre than the previous three.

ENSEMBLE:
Who cares if it’s true?
Who cares if it’s right?
We’re awfully fond of vodka
But we’re here for tea tonight

Chapter Text

MAXIM TRANKOV:
Heard it on the street, it’s just as I thought
Don’t know if it’s true
But apparently it seems Morozov tied the knot

ENSEMBLE (spoken):
Old news!

MAXIM TRANKOV:
Hold up, hold up, listen to the end!
I didn’t even tell you about his new friend!

TATIANA NAVKA (lounging glamorously at a table in the corner, looking bored):
No one cares about her name
Seven times, it’s still the same
He’ll take any hussy if she’s young, thin, and dumb,
Then trade her in and throw her out by twenty-one

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
Pardon me, Madame, but I’m curious
Where on earth did you hear of this?

TATIANA NAVKA:
It’s the same story every time
A mystery man and his little bride
Swept away in lust and thirst
Trust me, honey, I was the first

EKATERINA BOBROVA (spoken):
No way!

TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI (spoken):
You lie!

TATIANA NAVKA:
Once you hear it from my lips, I’ll let you decide!
(turns to the band)
Give me a F sharp, maestro

You see a lady-killer
So distinguished, suave, and cool
You know the Casanova
But I knew him as a fool

It was summer of ‘96
I was a Monroe in my own right
They tell me, “Go talk to this fellow.”
Now he wants me at first sight

It was really quite amusing
This little boy was so obsessed
Messy curls and eyes like saucers
Trying so hard to impress
No fortune, no fame
Not a ruble to his name
Shy and eager enough to burst
I like to think I was his first

He was oh-so persistent, but I had to turn him down
I had everything I wanted, I had nothing to gain
What does Marilyn need with a Charlie Brown?
But you know, green cards are a pain

White dress, gold rings, borrowed things, old things
He got everything he desired
I was his little dream, his goddess, his queen
But sometimes I got tired

You see, I felt a calling from up above
That I was meant for more than love
And he could never be enough
All his passion, all his thirst
Couldn’t keep me for better or worse
‘Cause I was destined to finish first

The part that still makes no sense
Is why he was the one who strayed
But I guess Charles found Camilla
And my Kolya found the maid

What can I say?
What else was I to do?
I signed the papers with the court
He got the money in the divorce
But I was free for someone new
I met a daddy who could fill my purse
And now I always finish first

I suppose you’re wondering what happened to my little man
Well, he found himself a French girl and he swears that she’s his first
But after he slipped off my ring, all his weddings have been cursed

Morozov is wed again
A new girl in his bed again
At least that’s what they said again
I guess karma is the best medicine!

He lives it up like Hefner
But you know how bunnies run
He thinks he’s some kind of James Bond
But in the end, I got his gun

Take my warning, ladies
His wedding car is like the hearse
When Morozov says he wants you
Believe me, you’re not the first

Chapter Text

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
Yeah, yeah, we get it. He’s a player.

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Oh, you don’t know the half of it. That poor French girl barely made it a month before he left her for someone else.

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
That’s not true.

TATIANA NAVKA:
Who the hell are you?

CAROLINE DOUARIN (spoken):
The “French girl” you spoke of. But you don’t know my story.

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Well, speak up, girl.

CAROLINE:
You don’t know me
You don’t know my face
When they talk of all his conquests, they never mention me
I vanished from their history without a single trace

They never saw me, they don’t speak my name
For I am not like you with all your worldwide acclaim
I was a simple girl, dreaming of love
And he was the man that I dreamed of
He told me dark tales of his cunning first wife
A conniving social climber with a heart of ice

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Rude!

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
He ran straight to me, he lamented and cried
And I took him home with my arms open wide
He said he was broken, he needed a friend
He said my kisses helped his poor heart mend

He was worldly and wise and had stars in his eyes
He showed me a world I never knew
He was clever and sweet and he made me complete
And I believed him when he said, “I love only you”

Then he got on one knee and all I could see
Was the future, so bright in my eyes
I saw our great-grandkids, our white picket fence
Every Friday, I would bake strawberry pie
And I swore to never love another
I’d be his wife and his children’s mother

It all happened so fast, I still remember the day
When I told him the glorious news
He smiled and kissed me and said “Hope it’s a boy”
I never guessed he had a secret too
He was overjoyed to call me a mother
I never dreamed he’d find another

He was a wanderer, a restless young soul
He roamed the world, wild and free
Until one day, he found another
And left me as nothing but a mother

A beautiful girl,
My little Annabelle
Full of sunshine and love and heaven’s life
Nikolai adored her,
He treated her well
And he tolerated the woman who gave her life

And I stayed by his side,
But on long nights, I cried
For I knew why he didn’t come home
She was flirty and hot
Everything I was not
But it still cut me to the bone

Five years I endured with his ring on my hand
A wife by name, a stranger in truth
I should have run when I had the chance
Instead, he took everything I had
And there was nothing I could do

He took all the fortune and all the fame
He left me with nothing when he took back his name
He gave it all to the woman he loved at night
And that was all right
But there are some things that one cannot forgive
He snatched away my sole reason to live
He ripped my darling daughter from my arms
To live with him and his new bride
And all my pleas fell on deaf ears
I reached out, but my hands were tied
And I hated him like I hated no other
Who could steal a child from her mother?

Alone and abandoned, with nowhere to go
But in the darkness, I examined my soul
My name is not “Morozov’s wife”
My name is Caroline!

BACKUP SINGERS:
Her name is Caroline!

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
I put in the work, I served my time
Still he left me for another
It’s not my fault, for now I realize
He’s nothing but a mother!

Chapter Text

ANNA POGORILAYA (spoken):
Well, damn.

ELENA RADIONOVA (spoken):
I’m sure whoever he left you for couldn’t have been that great.

MAXIM TRANKOV:
A big-haired, small-minded floozy.

ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
I don’t think Morozov’s too choosy.

ANNA POGORILAYA:
Some silicone dime-a-dozen hoe

ELENA RADIONOVA:
Whose glory days were a long, long time ago

EKATERINA BOBROVA:
Well, I’m not one to judge
But she must’ve been quite a Jezebel

ANNA POGORILAYA:
I’d like to find both of them
And kick them all the way to Hell!

TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
Do you mind if I ask a question?
‘Cause I still don’t understand
What kind of heartless, soulless chick
Would try to steal your man?

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
I did.

Ensembles GASPS.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
But I’m not who you think I am.

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
You just confessed to messing around with her husband
What can you say to that?

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
Homewrecker, third wheel
I’ve heard it all before
Femme fatale, hell in heels
For every one I hear, there’s a dozen more

Shameless vamp, filthy tramp
Earning her keep in her sleep
It’s easy to judge when you’ve never been there
It’s easy to talk when you really don’t care

Prince Charming up on your white horse
It’s so cruel of you to look so fine
Prince Charming, you make me crazy
No one can understand how much I need you to be mine

The turn of a century, the start of something new
The minute our eyes met, I knew
That we could never stay just friends
He had that special something, a 2000s James Dean
A certain charisma that I’d never seen
After five minutes, I knew I’d love him till the end

He was everything I dreamed of, except the silver ‘round his finger
I asked him about it and he said it was no big deal
He said, “Don’t worry, hon,
We can still have fun
I’ll give my wife the slip before the day is done
‘Cause there’s no stopping the way you make me feel.”

Prince Charming up on your white horse
I’d wait a million years for your love
Prince Charming, you make me crazy
Our hearts fit together, like fingers in a glove

Summer nights in Connecticut, weekends driving to Maine
He was a player, but I loved the game
Billie Jean, dancing queen
Caught up in a teenage dream
Romeo and Juliet, sneaking out the back
I guess I never noticed everything he lacked

Prince Charming up on your white horse
It’s so cruel of you to drag your feet
Prince Charming, you make me crazy
I want to be your everything, the reason your heart beats

I knew it was wrong, I ain’t gonna lie
But we had this magic I couldn’t deny
And after five years of waiting, he came home with a smile
He signed all the papers, he was a free man again
We ran off to the chapel, together at last
How could something so beautiful be a cardinal sin?

New York apartment, living it up
Daisy and Gatsby, dancing till dawn
Keep the liquor flowing, fill up my cup
Never close your eyes, or it’ll be gone
Whirlwind, twirling, can’t come down
We keep spinning till we die
But when the party crowd went home
I realized our love had run dry

When I finished crying, I woke up sober
A homecoming queen, but high school is over

Prince Charming up on your white horse
It’s so cruel of you to break my heart
Prince Charming, you make me crazy
And now I understand we were hopeless from the start

Chapter Text

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
I ask you all a question.
(sung)
How am I the villain?
How am I to blame?
Why am I the only bad guy
When you know he did the same?

They all call me a hooker
But he’s the one who wanted more
I can’t help that I’m a looker
So why don’t you call him the whore?
I’m not saying I’m an angel
But the real tramp ain’t me
It takes two to tango
And for Nikolai, it was three
I’m not saying I’m innocent
I was an Angie, I’ll admit
(turns to Caroline)
Jenny, I’m so sorry
But you should really blame Brad Pitt

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Oh, you give him too much credit.

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
Okay, okay, we get the picture. Three wives in nine years. Let me guess: he started up with a new girl a month after you two split up.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
Actually, no. You see…he was in a bad way.

ADAM RIPPON (spoken, from the corner of the bar):
Oh, honey, you don’t know the half of it.

(All heads in the bar turn to Adam. He smiles at the attention, then serves diva face into the camera. The band starts playing a 1980s rhythm).

Chapter Text

ADAM RIPPON:
Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now
Don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time

(spoken)
Oh, that’s not the story, I just wanted to channel my inner Mercury there.

(sung in the style of a dramatic pop ballad)
When I was young – well, girl, I’m still young!
Before I got all this fortune and fame
Just a poor boy – hell, I still had ringlets!
And nobody knew my name
I believed in my dreams, I would defy the odds
I knew my destiny was up in lights
But I needed someone to rescue me from this tired little life

(disco beat starts)
I was a Penn State boy, down on the Jersey shore
Looking through windows at all this shit I couldn’t afford
But when you’re in Jersey you
Do as the Jerseys do

(spoken)
Jerseys? Is that even a thing?

(singing, while making his way between the tables)
Well Nick was the kind of guy
Who seemed to have everything
Gucci, Prada, Chanel, oh my!
And don’t forget those three wedding rings
The envy! The envy!

(stands up on the table)

He’s the real hot big shot, man of the hour
The Elvis, the Gaga, he got the power
A little bit Machiavellian
A whole lot of Kardashian
He’s the Bruce Wayne, Citizen Kane
Tony Stark with all the hullaballoo
Scratch that, he’s the Russian Donald Trump
I voted blue and honey so should you

(laughs, spoken)
So, yeah, anyways, back to the point

(singing, in the style of a 1980s rock star)
Nick was rolling in the dough
Things were going south with his third wife tho
When the divorce was set and done,
He met a mistress called Rum
Or whiskey, or vodka, or a good old Bud Lite
The nights were long and wild
He lost all his sense of style
Come on man, time to pick up your life

The debt started racking up
His problems kept on stacking up
All his money, chicks, and cars couldn’t get him dry
He was down in the dumps, I’m not gonna lie

I moved a long way from Jersey, so I don’t know the rest
But if you saw him back then – well, God bless
I ain’t trying to throw shade, I mean we all got our shit–

MIKI ANDO:
Oh, Lord, would you just sit!

Chapter Text

MIKI ANDO:
I was an overachiever
A fearless believer
I was inventing tricks and trying things no one had ever seen
A daring young leader
A tireless dreamer
I was moving Everest on my own before I turned fifteen

I wanted the spotlight, I wanted the glory
I wanted the world to tell my story
This strange foreign man
Took my heart, took my hand
And promised me a dream
He swept me off my feet
Put my name on the street
But things weren’t what they seemed

Every minute with you was a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
Crawling on my knees and begging, but you’d leave anyway
Every memory of you is a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
Lying on the floor and crying, asking God why you won’t stay
I ran through hell a thousand times to lie on your bed of nails

Wake up to morning sun and crystal skies
You say you forgive me, I don’t know why
How long until you remember to be cruel again?
You hold me close, keep me safe and warm
But then you cast me out in the thunderstorm
A thousand times, I’ve thought about the end

They tell me to run, before I come undone
But they don’t feel the way you touch me
They don’t hear your sweet whispers
Telling me you love me
And even though I know you’ll change your mind tomorrow
When you smile at me, I can almost see
The man I still adore
I forget the lies, I forgive your crimes
I erase the night before

Every minute with you was a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
Crawling on my knees and begging, but you’d leave anyway
Every memory of you is a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
Lying on the floor and crying, asking God why you won’t stay
I ran through hell a thousand times to lie on your bed of nails

Your eyes turn black, you throw me out
I spend the night on a colleague’s couch
And at three-o-clock I decide it’s done for good
But then you call me back, you call me “dear”
You tell me everything I want to hear
And I rush right back even though I know I shouldn’t

A sunflower
A beautiful, blooming young flower,
reaching for the sky
My daughter
My beautiful, blooming young daughter
I must give her wings to fly!

Every minute with you was a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
You can crawl on your knees and beg me, but I’ll leave anyway
Every memory of you was a thousand and one nights,
A thousand and one days
I’m lying on the floor and crying, but even God couldn’t make me stay
I ran through hell a thousand times to escape your bed of nails

I’ll take the scandal, I’ll take the blame
Let them whisper, but I’m not ashamed
Like a sunflower, I’ll stand tall
Like a sunflower, she’ll stand tall
I won’t wear your ring, I won’t be your bride
I won’t spend my life chained at your side
You can chase us forever, but you’ll always fail
‘Cause I ran through hell a thousand times to escape your bed of nails

Chapter Text

ADAM RIPPON (spoken):
Okay, I know when I’ve been outdone.
 
MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
So you turned him down. What happened next?
 
MIKI ANDO:
Well, by the time I left…there was another girl.
 
ANNA POGORILAYA:
The scum!
 
MIKI ANDO:
But I guess I didn’t suspect it right away.
 
ELENA RADIONOVA:
How come?
 
MIKI ANDO:
When I knew her, she was a child
The sweetest angel I’d ever seen
A beautiful blossom of charm and youth
But she was barely seventeen
 
ELENA RADIONOVA:
That’s bad!
 
ANNA POGORILAYA:
The cad!
 
ELENA RADIONOVA:
The pig!
 
ANNA POGORILAYA:
The rat!
 
TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
Even King Henry the Eighth wouldn’t stoop to that!
 
ALEXANDER SMIRNOV:
Poor girl!
 
KONSTANTIN MENSHOV:
My word!
 
MAXIM TRANKOV:
If you ask me, he should be a jailbird!
 
EKATERINA BOBROVA:
Nobody’s perfect, but that man’s a creep
To take advantage of a poor little dear
I pray for the little girl, wherever she is
 
ELENA ILINYKH:
She’s right here!
 
(All heads in the room turn to her)

Chapter Text

ELENA ILINYKH:
 
Darling, darling, don’t blame me
It’s not my fault God gave me gifts
There’s just so much I like to do, do, do
And I found all the wrong guys to do it with
 
Been dancing into hearts since I was thirteen
I know all the tricks to get the boys down on their knees
Almost had a Bukin but his parents got scared
Can’t say I blame them if I’m being fair
Then I met Nikita and my oh my,
Tall, fine, that look in those eyes
Spinning, screaming, can’t get enough
He drove me crazy but he was good at…stuff

He was my Walmart Bieber
I should’ve run like Selena

Chasing all the glory, but we needed a change
So we said goodbye to Zhulin and things were arranged
Hello, Kolya, why so charming?
(lowers her voice in an imitation of Morozov)
“‘Cause your beauty’s so disarming.”

He came up on his white horse
Well, okay, it was a black Porsche
And he said, “Lena, darling, that boy’s no good.
Come home with me and I’ll treat you like I should.”

He was a modern George Clooney
Red wine and honeymooning

Darling, darling, don’t blame me
It’s not my fault God gave me gifts
There’s just so much I like to do, do, do
But now I found another guy to do it with

It’s true, it’s true
Kolya and I had a little rendezvous
Coffee, dinner, pop the champagne
Whispering things in my ear till he drives me insane

I never dated a guy who owned three houses
Or traveled the world like a movie star
He’s smooth, quick, but oh-so wild
And I forget my promise not to go too far
 
Nikita hears the news and it’s more than he can take
Guess I forgot to tell him we were on a break
He’s mad, he’s bad, like he has no chill
He’ll never understand Kolya like I will

Darling, darling, don’t blame me
It’s not my fault God gave me gifts
There’s just so much I like to do, do, do
But I found a bad boy to do it with

The press catches wind
and oh, what a sin!
Everyone’s flying off the handle
“The little princess is ruined!”
“And it’s the coach that she’s doin’!”
But what’s life without some scandal?

“Don’t worry, don’t worry,” that’s what Kolya said
“Forget all the blah-blah-blah and come to bed.”
So I stuck around and I thought I was set
Except he said the same to this ditzy brunette

Darling, darling, don’t blame me
It’s not my fault God gave me gifts
There’s just so much I like to do, do, do
Turns out he was the wrong guy to do it with

Guess you could say Nikita was still falling for me
‘Cause he kept falling, and falling, and falling again
Guess you could say Kolya was still falling for her
‘Cause he kept cheating, and cheating, and cheating again!

Well, what’s a girl to do
When the lovers don’t love you?
I was young, I was willing
but no matter how sexy,
I begged him, I pleaded
but still, they both left me

So Nikita met a Barbie, took her for a fling
And Kolya gave his side chick a two-carat ring
Now they say I’m the hoe while they sit like saints
And I’m all alone, learned my lesson too late

But darling, darling, don’t blame me
It’s not my fault God gave me gifts
There’s just so much I like to do, do, do
And I found all the wrong guys to do it with

Chapter Text

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
All right, all right, let’s cut to the chase. Who’s the broad who turned Nikolai’s head this time?

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
Well, first of all, I don’t answer to “broad”.

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
Well, what do you answer to, then?

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
My name is Vasilisa Davankova. But you may call me “Lady Vasya”.

ADAM RIPPON (spoken):
Okay, I get it. You’re like a Walmart Lady Gaga.

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
You’ve got me all wrong, little boy.

(Vasilisa looks up on the stage, where Elena Ilinykh is still standing)

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
And I don’t think anyone in this bar would call me ditzy

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
Well-

(Vasilisa gets on the stage and takes the microphone, nudging Ilinykh out of the way).

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
Pardon me, pardon me.

(Ilinykh backs off the stage, scowling).

 
VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
Lights. Camera. Ahhh.

I grew up dreaming of fame
Haven’t you all done the same?
I was destined to be a queen
He spotted me as a starlet
But I was no harlot
Why, I was only thirteen!

Darling, I knew I was born to be a star
An Audrey, a Greta, a Liz Taylor at heart
I’d give anything to get my name up in lights
I’d be rolling in the dough and drinking champagne all night
But it’s a man’s man’s world and there’s only one way up:
Look good, play dumb, and give them some love

Well on my yellow brick road, I met my dear friend Annie
We were besties at first sight on the highway to Malibu
And one summer night, she let me meet her daddy
And a few nights later, he became my daddy too
 
You know the scandal, you know the story
I was seventeen, but he looked damn good for forty
Sorry to the other girl,
but he was from another world
Diamonds! Perfume! Chocolate-covered cherries!
He had to let her go, ‘cause I’m not into sharing

And he said,

“Darling, I know you were born to be a star
So come and give me a little piece of your heart
Close the curtains, lock the door, turn down the lights
We’ll be rolling in the sheets and keep the neighbors up all night.”
It’s a man’s man’s world and I need my ticket up
So I look good, play dumb, and give him some love

He’d call me baby
His fine and sexy lady
His little bunny
His sweet sugar honey
Born to shine, strawberry wine
Anything I want is mine
for a touch, a kiss, a granted wish

On my eighteenth birthday, he got me a surprise
“The only thing that sparkles as much as your eyes.”
White gold, two carats
Hush, hush, don’t tell my parents

Darling, I was finally flying with the stars
My man stood up and promised me every inch of his heart
With one little “I do”, I got my name up in lights
We were rolling in the dough and drinking champagne all night
It’s a man’s man’s world but I got my ticket up
Just gotta look good, play dumb, and give him some love

For six months, it’s a dream
I’m his pretty little wife
But I guess Kolya isn’t one for the married life
Work, work, work - he’s always got to run
I wait for him at night, but his day is never done
He says that’s how he pays for my Chanel
My Weitzman, my Gucci, my Prada
But what good’s a charming husband
if he won’t come around for nada?

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Well, actually-

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
Jersey, Moscow, France, then NYC
He always takes his suitcase but he never takes me
If I’m his one and only,
I shouldn’t be this lonely
The days tick on and I’m sleeping alone
I‘ve got no one to listen when I talk about my day
And he’s always so tired even when he comes home
How could he throw something so precious away?

Darling, I knew I was born to be a star
An Audrey, a Greta, a Liz Taylor at heart
I gave up everything to get my name up in lights
Now I’m rolling in the dough, but I’ve got no one at night
The old tricks don’t work and I can’t give him enough
Except look good, play dumb, but he don’t want my love

Then one day, he says, “Let’s talk!”
And I’m like, “That’s what I’ve been trying to do for a year!”
So I start telling him about my girl friends, hair trends, the goods from Cartier
But he frowns and says, “No, love.”
And he’s like, “That’s not what I’m saying, and I don’t give a f*ck!”
And he starts telling me about this new friend, work friend, some girl outta luck

Now I ain’t pretending to be a Mendeleev,
but I knew then that it was over
He was through with me, wanted more than beauty
So he found some old lady named Stolbova

But darling, I knew I was born to be a star
Even if my man moved on and broke my heart
I gave up everything to get my name up in lights
I should be rolling in the dough and drinking champagne all night
‘Cause he’s just one man in the world, and I can make my own way up:
I’ve got a million subscribers who can give me some love

Check out my life, I’ll put it in the vlog
I auctioned the rock and now I’m living on the hog
And now I pop up in Kolya’s recommendations
Look at Lady Vasya, the self-made sensation!

Yes! I’m a celeb in my own right
A YouTube superstar
So hit the bell and like
Lights. Camera. Ahhhhh.

Chapter Text

ELENA ILINYKH (spoken):
Well, good for you, but I still hate you.

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
Me? How could anyone hate me?

ELENA ILINYKH:
Hmm, let’s see!
You took my man
You took my place
You flirted with him, right in my face!

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
Lena, Lena, can’t you see?
He played you the same way he played me

ELENA ILINYKH:
Well, I never stole his affection
away from another girl

MIKI ANDO:
What? When you stole his attention,
I disappeared from his world!

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
I guess we all got our hard knocks in life

ELENA ILINYKH:
He takes us high but always lets us fall

MIKI ANDO:
Rather be a pauper than Morozov’s wife

VASILISA, ELENA, MIKI:
Have mercy on us all!

(They strike a dramatic pose on the stage).

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken, from the back of the bar):
Okay, okay, I have one big problem with all of this.

MIKI ANDO:
Who the hell is this?

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
Kolya’s new bitch!

ELENA ILINYKH:
The old witch?

KSENIA STOLBOVA (moving towards the stage):
I was twenty-six!

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken, frowning):
Well, that’s ancient by Kolya’s standards.

KSENIA STOLBOVA:
Well, how about some words of wisdom
from the so-called “old maid”?
Kolya never seemed to mind
You know I age like Chardonnay

Chapter Text

You know my reputation
You saw my coronation
Morticia Addams never looked so fine
It was one for the ages
Poker hand, four aces
Little I knew I was on borrowed time
 
I thought I could do anything
So I did anything, and everything, and everything again
 
For nine years, I had myself a steady man
But sometimes I can get a little temperamental
He slipped, he fell, I glared, I yelled
And you know how people get all judgmental
 
Suddenly they think I’m the biggest bitch of the year
Everybody’s sending Fedor all their love and prayers
You know men are fickle, they never stay for long
He wanted to retire but I wasn’t ready to quit
Couldn’t live my whole life dragging him along…
…so we split
 
I wanted to do anything
So I tried anything, and everything, and everything again
 
You see, girls, I was kind of in a jam
I was running out of dough
I had burned up all my bridges
Where else was I to go?
So I called up good old Kolya and explained
He said he’d fix my problem and get me back to the top
Asked for nothing in return except my lipstick stain
That man will buy you anything when the panties drop
 
He said I could do anything
So I did anything, and everything, and everything again
 
Pretty girl, better watch your step
The man’s a player, he’ll mess up your rep
But my name’s already been tainted
That’s the way of the world, ain’t it?
 
His mind’s a dagger, his soul is black
No one thought I could play him back
No gloves, no chains, no strings on me
I’m long gone but he still thinks of me
 
He said I could have anything
So I took anything, and everything, and everything again
 
You’d think a man with six exes
would be used to rejection
but he looked pretty confused
when I ran off with his loot
 
For every notch in his belt, there’s a hole in his bank
Now I’m in a penthouse – I forgot to say thanks
He was the playboy, but I got the mansion
He better hope he’s got a pretty pension
 
Diamonds, rubies, more than I can hold
You know all I ever wanted was a taste of gold
Don’t look so shocked – he had it coming
I paid my dues – I owe him nothing
 
Now he doesn’t have anything
Cause I took anything, and everything, and everything again

Chapter Text

ADAM RIPPON (spoken):
Okay, that’s hella savage.

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
My heart goes out to Poor Chick Number Eight.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
Yeah, who’s his next victim?
(crowd gasps)
I mean girlfriend.

ELENA ILINYKH (spoken):
That poor, innocent little girl…

ALEXANDER ENBERT (spoken, from the corner):
Well, actually…she’s not so little.

ADAM RIPPON (spoken):
You mean he’s moved on to the curvy type? I mean, stan Lizzo, y’all.

ALEXANDER ENBERT (spoken):
Oh, you’re a Lizzo uber too?

ADAM RIPPON:
It ain’t my fault that I’m out here gettin’ loose

ALEXANDER ENBERT:
Gotta blame it on the Goose!

(The whole crowd is staring at them. Enbert blushes and clears his throat).

ALEXANDER ENBERT (spoken):
Great song, but that’s not what I meant. In fact, Morozov’s bride is actually on the petite side. But you see…she’s not…young.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken, laughing):
You mean this one is actually over thirty?

ALEXANDER ENBERT (spoken):
Yes. By quite a bit, actually.

(Crowd murmurs)

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken, rolling her eyes):
You didn’t really think he was marrying another beautiful young woman, did you?

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken, annoyed):
Well, forgive me if I was starting to see a pattern!

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken):
Patterns were made to be broken.

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
That’s not how the saying goes.

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken, scowling):
Whatever. She’s seventy-eight.

Chapter Text

(The band plays a few dramatic bars)

ALL:
Seventy-eight?

TAMARA MOSKVINA (half-sung, from the door):
Guess he took the bait.

ALL:
Seventy-eight?

TAMARA MOSKVINA (moving through the bar with a smile):
Why so shocked, why so surprised?
I’m still as sharp as I was at twenty-nine
Who says old girls can’t have a little new fun?
(giggles mischievously)
I heard even Tatiana Tarasova’s getting some

(crowd gasps)

I was born in a siege,
’41 in St. Pete
But that never slowed me down
I grew up in a Cold War,
but Mama taught me to go for
everything I wanted in town
Only four foot ten,
but I could run with the men
(laughs)
Well, actually, I beat them all
You heard it from my lips
I was smart as a whip
“She be but little” but she’s standing tall

(steps up on the table)

Keep moving, keep grooving
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of this wonderful life
Keep working, keep flirting
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of feeling all right

Seventy-eight
But still feel as good as I did in ‘78
Fringe and tie-dye goddess
I take it if I want it
Honey, I’m in charge of my fate

(Moskvina poses dramatically)

So one day I was looking so fine
One-sleeve dress like it was ‘65
And this younger fellow started coming on to me (on to me)
Oh, he was so smitten and weak
Why, he forgot how to speak
It was obvious he wanted me (wanted me)

(Moskvina rolls her eyes and jumps from the table to the stage)

Well I’m not dumb, I knew what he was after
I’ve seen a dozen men like him before
But I took his offer – ‘cause hey, free drinks!
Little did he know he was getting more than he bargained for!

Keep moving, keep grooving
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of this wonderful life
Keep working, keep flirting
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of feeling all right

Well it turns out he was a good-for-nothing cad
If only he got a ruble for every wife he’s had!
Nothing unexpected,
but the man sure likes the ladies!
He’s had more lovers than yours truly,
and I’m nearly eighty!

So I put on my thinking cap
And put an end to all his messing
No more of his philandering, womanizing crap
Time to teach that boy a lesson!

I took his ring
I love the bling
And he doesn’t suspect a thing
Let me snitch,
I won’t get hitched
That guy deserves the altar ditch
Up there in his tux
Betrayal sure sucks
Now the shoe’s on the other foot
If you want to teach the weeds not to grow in your garden
You’ve gotta pull ‘em by the root

Keep moving, keep grooving
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of interrupting his life
Keep working, keep flirting
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of setting him right

(Moskvina starts leading the backup dancers into a jazz routine)

It’s nothing personal
I’m just doing my part
I’m just showing him what happens
when you mess with a young girl’s heart

Keep moving, keep grooving
Keep aging like Fonda
‘Cause my magic methods go way back
Keep working, keep flirting
Keep aging like Fonda
‘Cause I’m awfully fond of payback

ANNA POGORILAYA, ELENA RADIONOVA, and TIFFANI ZAKHORSKI:
Way back!
Payback!

TAMARA MOSKVINA:
Keep moving, keep grooving
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of this wonderful life
Keep working, keep flirting
Keep aging like Fonda
Cause I’m awfully fond of doing what’s right!

Chapter Text

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
I don’t believe this

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken):
What, you have a hard time believing Nikolai would fall for such a…mature woman?

MAXIM TRANKOV (spoken):
Well…you do know he’s broke, right?

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken, laughing):
Of course!
(She smiles)
But that’s not to say he wouldn’t fancy me even if he was loaded.

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken, clearly grossed out):
Okay, can you just, like…not talk about him like that? It’s bad enough I’ve had to sit through these six other chicks talking about their little love affairs, but this…I can’t take it.

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken):
Well, it’s not like I would ever accept! Just because I’m an older girl doesn’t mean I have to settle for any dumb schmuck, even if he’s thirty years younger than me.
(She walks over to Vasilisa and takes her hands).
Look at yourself. You are a beautiful young girl who’s already built herself an empire just by looking good and smiling into a camera. You are capable of so much in this world – so much that you still don’t understand.
(Moskvina turns to face the whole room)
All of you are incredible, strong women who don’t need to waste another moment of your lives on that good-for-nothing scoundrel.

TATIANA NAVKA:
She’s right!

CAROLINE DOUARIN, SHAE-LYNN BOURNE, and MIKI ANDO (harmonizing):
She’s right!

ELENA ILINYKH:
She’s right!

VASILISA DAVANKOVA and KSENIA STOLBOVA (harmonizing):
She’s right!

TAMARA MOSKVINA (smiling):
Of course I’m right!
(Moskvina stands at the center of the stage, gathering the seven women around her)
I don’t wish him ill
I don’t want him killed
I don’t want him to crack his skull from slipping on ice

KSENIA STOLBOVA:
Even though that would be nice

TAMARA MOSKVINA:
I have no bad intentions
No sinister inventions
I don’t have dark missions or murderous plans

ELENA ILINYKH:
Although that would be grand

TAMARA MOSKVINA:
Instead of chasing revenge,
I’d rather chill with my friends
And let karma do the rest
‘Cause that’s what karma does best

(She picks up a glass from the table and holds it aloft)

So let’s have a toast and wish him well
Trust me, he’ll find his own way into hell

(Moskvina approaches the bartender, and the other women follow her, forming a line. The bartender starts sliding drinks down the counter, and the women catch them one by one. They drink).

TATIANA NAVKA:
To Nikolai!
Congratulations on your engagement
I wish I could’ve seen your new wife’s face
When she learned it’s a financial arrangement!

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
To Nikolai!
Don’t bother to write your own vows
At least you won’t worry about any more children,
‘cause she’s well past menopause!

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
To Nikolai!
I heard you’ve got a new lady
She’s actually quite the stunner
For a woman pushing eighty!

MIKI ANDO:
To Nikolai!
Don’t spend it all on the honeymoon
I suggest you save every kopek
‘cause she’s learned the truth too soon!

ELENA ILINYKH:
To Nikolai!
How does it feel to be a toy?
Young, pretty, and hopelessly naïve
I guess they call that karma, boy

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
To Nikolai!
I’m honored by your invitation
I’d love to swing by and chat,
but I’m an Internet sensation!

KSENIA STOLBOVA:
To Nikolai!
At least your fiancée’s of legal age
But soon you’ll find McDonald’s
Pays a scanty minimum wage

TAMARA MOSKVINA:
To Nikolai!
I hate to step on your dreams
But it’s not my fault your mama never taught you
To treat your lady like a queen

ALL:
To Nikolai!
To Nikolai!
To Nikolai!

Chapter Text

(From a dark corner of the bar, Annabelle Morozov stands up).

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken, under her breath):
Enter the mistress.

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken, under her breath):
Well, at least he’s got good taste.

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken, under her breath):
Oh, that’s not the mistress. That’s his daughter Annabelle.

ELENA ILINYKH (spoken, under her breath):
The only woman in Russia under thirty he hasn’t tried to get with.

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
Annie! How wonderful to see you again! You look –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
You should all be ashamed.

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Excuse me, honey?

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
For the past two hours, you’ve done nothing but laugh at my father, tear him to pieces for his life decisions, and criticize him for his past mistakes.

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken):
Sounds like a damn good party to me.

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
You know, I really thought I could trust you all.

MIKI ANDO (spoken):
Annabelle, we didn’t mean –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken, to Miki):
We used to play with my dollhouse at Papa’s apartment.

ELENA ILINYKH (spoken):
Annabelle, I –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken, to Elena):
You used to sneak me into movies.

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken):
Well that’s all very nice, but –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken, to Ksenia):
You let me wear your dress for my first date.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
Look, we weren’t trying to –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken, to Shae-Lynn):
You used to take care of me when Papa was away on all his business trips. You took me to the zoo and waited for hours because I wouldn’t leave the spider monkey exhibit.

CAROLINE DOUARIN (spoken):
Annabelle, listen to me! We –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken, to Caroline):
And you – you’re my own mother!
(Turns to Navka and Moskvina)
And I don’t even know who you are. But now I see that all of you have one hobby in common: hating my father.

TATIANA NAVKA (spoken):
Get out of here, you little brat.

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
I just have one question: why?

KSENIA STOLBOVA (spoken):
For starters, he’s a two-timing piece of –

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
How could you do this all behind my back…

ELENA ILINYKH (spoken):
Well, it would’ve been awkward to invite you.

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
…and not invite me?

(Everyone gasps)

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (spoken):
It wouldn’t have been proper.

(Annabelle throws her coat on the floor, revealing a sparkling showgirl costume, and steps on the stage. The other women back up)

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
Band, please!

(The band starts playing an old jazz beat. Annabelle shakes her head).

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
Hmm, more modern.

(The band starts up a country tune)

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
Something edgy.

(The band starts a hip-hop beat).

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
Bingo!

Chapter Text

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (rapping):
Hey, hey, hey, it’s your girl A-Belle
Y’all know I’m fine, I’m smooth, I’m able
Yeah I’m a frost queen
Your little daydream
I be leaking the gossip, I be spillin’ the tea
You know I’m on it like TMZ

(Singing, to an energetic club beat):
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping):
Born in Moscow
Living like a boss now
I was my daddy’s only one
But not his only girl
You see he liked to have his fun
Running ‘round the world
Mama didn’t like it, but she was a trooper
Held on like a hero without the super
But Daddy got bored
So he hit the floor
and hooked up with Shae
(Annabelle points at Shae-Lynn)
He be feelin’ all right
Got a new chick all night
and my mama all day
O Canada!
Secret Bourne identity
A little infidelity
Never told me why Aunt Shae won’t come for dinner
But now Mama’s on the street, didn’t know what hit her

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
New York, Jersey, getting’ wild and dirty
Looking fab, pop the tab, but I don’t think he heard me
He says he loves me on the phone
But wouldn’t it be lovely if he’d ever come home
Then it’s papers, courthouse
Shae-Lynn’s in the poorhouse
Thought we’d have some father-daughter time
But now he’s down at the whorehouse
Pour the man another bottle
Try the latest model
Clubbing all night, waking up at noon
Full speed ahead, going full throttle

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
Me and Dad, we go nomad
Till I wanna go mad
Tokyo, Moscow
Another stop in Glasgow
Airplanes, fast lane
Layover in the John Wayne

His love is international, so irrational
No end to his passion, no
Raise a toast to Bacchus
Leather pants, trying to rock it
Goin loco like Martin
Six A.M., the party’s just starting
No sweat, no worries, I’m safe in bed
Love you but I can’t love the beast in your head

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
Now he’s bringing home a geisha
all the way from Asia
And she’s got all his attention
But he’s got sinful intentions
And he swears he’s getting sober
But I know it’s never over
She’s sweet like candy
A Pink Lady Sandy
He’s all over her like an olden-days dandy
Aunt Miki treats me like a princess ‘cause she’s always wanted a daughter
But when that daughter comes, their love’s dead in the water
I stood in the doorway and watched it fall apart
‘Cause Daddy got scared and he threw her to the sharks

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
By then there was a swan girl
But next she was a gone girl
And I made the mistake of studying with her one night
(Annabelle points to Vasilisa)
My daddy couldn’t resist and he had to take a bite
Next time he asks to meet my new friend,
remind me to tell him she’s a lesbian
Best friend, girlfriend
Weird to call you stepmom
Hotel, don’t tell
Silk sheets, bath bombs
All night, daylight
He won’t rest till he gets some

Now my best friend’s my mama
How’s that for drama?
Till he drives her mad, she’s climbing up the walls
Ripping out her hair, there’s no escape at all
And my papa’s got no care in the world
‘Cause he’s already lining up the next three girls
She had to get out, she ran like the wind
And I never saw my bestie again

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
Then we’re on a one-way ticket to nowhere
‘Cause Daddy’s new friend got a dose of the “no fair”
(Annabelle points to Ksenia)
Out of luck, out of money, and out of a man
So she’s starting fresh and Pop’s got a plan
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho!
Welcome to Perm!
Where it’s so damn cold that even timber won’t burn!
Falling down, falling down,
No forest through the trees
‘cause there’s nothing else to see!
Practically in Siberia
So off the grid, it’s eerie, yeah
No friends, no fun
No department stores
Silence isn’t golden
I can’t take it no more!

So it’s Dad, me, and her
All bundled up in fur
Media’s on it, making a stir
And he swears on his heart that this chick’s the one
But Ksyusha got fed up and went on the run
Offered me a cut of the dough she took
I’m underplaying when I say Daddy was shook

Six months clean, not a “she” in sight
Real nice, quiet nights, nothing left but cold ice
But now there’s an old lady dressing in white
Old habits, back at it
Roll the reel, same spiel
Can’t help the way he feels
New rings, dove wings
And we’re back on the hamster wheel

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
So keep on comparing stories
About all his drunken orgies
I know all his little secrets
All the lies behind the glory
I was there for every minute
Every breakup, I was in it
And I know he’s too far gone no matter how hard you try to spin it

(To the band, spoken)
Break it down!

(Rapping)
Skeletons in the closet, he’s got a whole catacomb
Smiling for the camera, raising hell back at home
He’s racking up hits like Grande
Weekend fun’s gone by Monday
For every one he dumps, two more pull in
His hand’s full of trumps, he keeps on rollin’

They come and they go
They get high, they get low
They say hi, they say bye,
but they never say no
The girls keep on workin’ it
Even though nothing’s permanent
The wine, the dine, the good good time
Ain’t no ride or die till the end of the line
‘Cause number one in his heart’s always been mine
And he says I’m still his favorite girl, hey-hey
‘Cause while they run like bulls, I still stay
And I’m the only one he won’t throw away

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Seven of her father’s bunnies and sex bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
And while he was off changing his wives on a dime
No one even noticed I lost my mom six times

(Rapping)
He still thinks I’m his loyal soldier
But little does he know it’s over
I’m not giving up another mama
I’m just hoping he gets his karma

I drag him harder than RuPaul
I’m just saying what’s true, y’all
If he’s my father,
I’m Skywalker
Got my lightsaber out, I’m here for some sparring
Yeah I’m queen of outer space – tell ‘em to call me Gagarin
I’m not just his baby, I’m a grown-ass lady
I got the brains and the looks like the mama who made me
I’m a self-starter, I be making a killing
Welcome to teatime, you bet I be spilling

(Singing)
Snow White and the seven stepmoms
Setting off my father’s secrets and truth bombs
Half a dozen lovers, half a dozen mothers
You know all of his loving ain’t worth a dime
So let’s spill the tea and hit it one more time

Chapter Text

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken):
Darling, you haven’t lost your mother six times. All of your mothers are right here.

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
I don’t get it.

ELENA ILINYKH and KSENIA STOLBOVA (harmonizing):
You didn’t lose us.
You didn’t lose us.

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
You’re part of our family as long as you choose us.

CAROLINE DOUARIN and MIKI ANDO (harmonizing):
You’ll never lose us.
You’ll never lose us.

TATIANA NAVKA:
As long as you wish, you belong to us

VASILISA DAVANKOVA (spoken):
Okay, can I just call you my sister? Because it’s freaking weird to be your mom.

TAMARA MOSKVINA (spoken):
Fair enough.

ELENA ILINYKH and VASILISA DAVANKOVA (harmonizing):
We’re your sisters.

MIKI ANDO and KSENIA STOLBOVA (harmonizing):
We’ll care for you.

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
We love you, darling

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
And we hope you love us too!

ANNABELLE MOROZOV:
I am your sister!
I belong to you!

TATIANA NAVKA:
We are sisters
We will stand against the storm

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
And we stand together
That’s what sisters are for

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
In a world of scheming men,
can’t let the fox get through the hens
So it’s best to be close with your coop

MIKI ANDO:
If one woman’s a warhorse
seven are an armed force
They can’t stop us if we come as a group

ELENA ILINYKH:
Welcome to our little sorority
where getting the best of men is our first priority!

VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
And we’re all superstars
Get up here and show ‘em who you are!

KSENIA STOLBOVA:
There’s so much left in store
So come on, girl, what are you waiting for?

ANNABELLE MOROZOV:
I always wanted a sister
And now I’ve got a brood
It’s a bit overwhelming
But I will follow you!

MIKI ANDO (spoken):
Annabelle. You do have a sister by blood – a half-sister.

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
What?

MIKI ANDO (spoken):
My daughter. Sunflower.

(Annabelle gasps)

MIKI ANDO (spoken):
Nikolai never told you?

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (spoken):
Never!

MIKI ANDO (spoken):
I’ll take you to meet her sometime. I’m sure you two will get along just fine.

TATIANA NAVKA:
Seven queens in our own right
Bound by our questionable taste in men
But with each other’s sisterhood,
we won’t make that mistake again!

CAROLINE DOUARIN and SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
Seven brides for one lucky brother
who never deserved us at all

CAROLINE DOUARIN:
But now we’ve got each other’s friendship

SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
And I’ll be there whenever you call

MIKI ANDO and KSENIA STOLBOVA:
Men are overrated
Sisterhood lives on
When all the rice clouds have faded,
our comradery ain’t gone

ELENA ILINYKH and VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
We are survivors
And no man can make that change
My mama raised a fighter
And a fighter I will stay!

TATIANA NAVKA, CAROLINE DOUARIN, and SHAE-LYNN BOURNE (harmonizing)
Fighters we will stay!

TAMARA MOSKVINA:
Forget all the rules about how girls can’t be friends
Clearly those fools never met this bunch
Linking their hands, forming a circle with no end

We are all one
Whether old or young
Although “old” is a relative term

We’re all diamonds
Sparkling, precious, and shining
Patient – we’ll all get our turn!

ANNABELLE MOROZOV (rapping):
Don’t need no nations when we’ve got a seven-woman army
Bye-bye Clyde, cause it’s a whole gang of Bonnies
The dudes are lining up but we pay no attention
‘Cause most of the fellows don’t deserve a mention
Ain’t stepping aside for no guy who won’t see
That every girl in this world is born as a queen
Hey hey!

TATIANA NAVKA, CAROLINE DOUARIN, and SHAE-LYNN BOURNE:
We’re queens!

MIKI ANDO, ELENA ILINYKH, and VASILISA DAVANKOVA:
Queens!

TAMARA MOSKVINA, KSENIA STOLBOVA, and ANNABELLE MOROZOV:
Queens!