Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Being a slut was hard.

If there was one thing DIO had learned from his 122 years of living, it was this one, simple fact. He had always been a slut, but he had always been punished for it. 

When he was just a young little twink, Jonathan would always slap him whenever he tried to kiss him. DIO could never figure out why.

When he had gotten a little older, and upgraded to become a twunk, his advances became more regular. But whenever he tried to grab Jonathan’s ass, he would punch him in the face. DIO could never figure out why.

Well, if he didn’t allow him to touch his body, he would just have to fucking steal it.

And so he did.

And then he chilled on the bottom of the ocean for one hundred years.

But at least he was now a full-on hunk. It was just unlucky that nobody was there to actually see him.

Then he was finally rescued by some friendly fisherman. But they made fun of his outfit so he ended up killing them. Oh well. 

And now, here he was. 122 years old, tall and broad as FUCK, and he had just created something incredible:

His fuckhouse. DIO’s fuckhouse. The most famous strip club in all of the world.

People came from all over the world to come and watch him strip. Some even attempted to kill him, because apparently, he was an “eViL vAmpiRE”, but DIO paid them no mind.

There was however one man who DIO always watched out for. He was a regular and would come to the club almost every day.

The man was handsome. Incredibly handsome. With a powerful body and a sexy mustache. And his accent, oh how DIO loved his accent.

“Mr. Stalin, I didn’t see you here yesterday~” DIO purred as he approached the man of his dreams. 

“My apologies, DIO, I had some business to attend to. One of my comrades had a baby last week, and it is uncertain if I am the father,” Stalin let out a deep sigh. “These goddamn omegaverses, always fucking with biology.”

“You could fuck my biology if you want~” DIO whispered into Stalin’s ear. But Stalin just shook his head.

“I’m going to be upright with you, DIO. I have developed feelings for somebody else, and our little fling can not continue.”

DIO felt his nonexisting heart break into a thousand pieces. Of course the one man he truly loved and desired would end up finding someone else. Whatever had he done to deserve this cruel fate? 

“Who is it?” DIO stammered out. He was still in shock at the revelation.

“I do not know his name, but I know that he is here tonight. I’m sorry DIO, but this is the last time you’ll see me,” Stalin got up from his chair and gave DIO a sympathetic smile and a pat on the shoulder. Then he turned and walked away into the crowd.

“No! Joseph- JoJo, don’t go! I can’t live without you!” DIO shouted out. But it was too late.

Stalin was already gone.

**************

Being a communist was hard.

If there was one thing Stalin had learned from his 62 years of living, it was that one simple fact. Ever since he had chosen to become a communist, things had been hard for him.

Everything that is yours is mine , is what people would say. But Stalin was tired of sharing. He wanted his own house. He wanted his own money. He wanted his own clothes.

He wanted his own lover.

And he knew just the person he wanted. He had just seen him once, but he knew it was his fate to be his lover. It was like they were Romeo and Juliet.

As he made his way through the crowds of DIO’s fuckhouse, he finally spotted him in a corner.

He had never thought he would be into bird-human hybrids, but this man pulled it off like no other. And the eyepatch covering one of his eyes just made him all the more desirable in Stalin’s eyes.

“Hello there, Mr. Bird, might I get what your name is?” Stalin asked as he stepped closer.

The birdperson looked him up and down, before turning to look out at the crowd, squinting his eye as if he was searching for someone.

“If I do, could you perhaps help me find someone I am looking for?” The birdperson said as he focused his eye on Stalin’s own.

“I’m sure that could be arranged,” Stalin said and stroked his mustache. It was a move that always got both the ladies and the gents to fall for him.

“Very well then. My name is Julian. You wouldn’t happen to know where this man is?” Julian picked out a photograph of a young man from his coat pocket. Stalin let out an internal sigh. Of course he wouldn’t be interested in some old geezer like himself.

“I have seen him before. He usually hangs out by the bar,” Stalin told him.

Julian gave him a wide grin, before thanking him and walking off.

God, how Stalin wished that he could have been the one thing he could have had for himself.

***************

Being adopted was hard

If there was one thing Julian had learned from his 32 years of living, it was that one simple fact. Being adopted had affected every single part of his life.

The worst part was that his mother had recently told him that he had a biological brother. She had shown Julian a picture of him, and holy mother of god was he hot.

Julian just had to find him. No matter what it would take.

The old man had pointed him in the direction of the bar. Julian looked around. It shouldn’t be that hard to spot him, thanks to his unique hair color. 

Then he saw him.

He was leaning up against a side of the bar, with his arms crossed over his chest, which was only covered in a bondage-harness. His longs, silvery hair seemed to flow around him, even though there was no wind.

Julian gathered all his courage and walked up to him.

“Sephiroth?” he asked hesitantly. 

The man turned to face him. A perfectly groomed eyebrow raised slightly as he took in Julian’s appearance.

“Yes?” was all he said.

“I think,” Julian paused for dramatic effect. “I think you are my brother.”

Sephiroth scoffed loudly, before he downed his drink and stood up. 

“I can guarantee you that I am no. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have somebody who needs me.”

“Wait!” before he could think, Julian had reached out and grabbed a hold of Sephiroth’s wrist. Sephiroth froze in place and slowly turned to face him.

“Do you want to die?” Sephirot’s voice was cold as ice.

Julian shook his head and quickly retreated his hand. But before he had a chance to protest, Sephiroth had puled out a metal stick from his boot. Julian watched on as Sephiroth took a step back, and held the stick out in front of him.

“What are you-” Julian was abruptly cut off as the metal stick transformed into a two-meter long sword with just a shard flick of Sephiroth’s wrist.

“Farewell, Julius,” Sephiroth said, before he folded the sword back up and put it back in his boot. Julian had no choice but to watch on as his only brother walked off, leaving him behind.

He was alone once again.

**************

Sephiroth was used to strange men coming up to try and flirt with him. But telling him that he was his long lost brother? That was a new excuse. Sephiroth might have entertained the idea for a bit, if he didn’t have an important job to do.

Sephiroth pushed himself past the queue to the bathroom. Many people stepped out of his way as he moved past them. They knew who he was, and what he had to do.

The bathroom would normally clear out as soon as he stepped inside. Today, however, there was a man who refused to leave the room. He instead stayed seated on his spot on the sink.

Sephiroth’s eyebrows furrowed as he took in the man’s appearance. He was significantly shorter than Sephiroth, and he was wearing a pair of overalls.

Sephiroth gasped. He knew this man! He just hadn’t seen him for so many years.

“Mario?” he asked hesitantly. 

Mario turned to look at him. Unlike Sephiroth, he didn’t seem the slightest bit happy to see him.

“Good evening, Sephiroth,” Mario said as he stood up. “I haven’t seen you since the… incident. ”

Sephiroth gulped audibly. If he had known that ordering a pineapple pizza would destroy his relationship with the Mario brothers, he wouldn’t have done it in a million years.

“Mario, please, I can explain,” Sephiroth begged. But Mario just shook his head.

“I didn’t come here to see you. And don’t worry, you will never see me again,” Mario said as he climbed back onto the sink. 

“But I love you,” Sephiroth’s voice was nothing more than a whisper.

Mario paused before he finally met Sephiroth’s gaze.

“I don’t give a shit,” was all he said, before he jumped into the pipe. And just like that, he was gone.

And it was the first time Sephiroth had cried in many, many years.

*********

Mario coughed as he appeared on the other side of the pipe. He would never get used to traveling like that. He brushed off his overalls. He needed to look presentable. After all, he would be meeting him .

Mario was pulled back from his thoughts by the unmistakable sound of sobbing. Mario felt his heart break as he noticed who it was, crying his eyes out into the bed underneath him.

“DIO,” he called out to alert the other man of his presence. DIO immediately stopped crying, and wiped his eyes. He looked and Mario and smiled, but Mario could still see the pain behind it.

“Mario, I didn’t know you were coming,” DIO sobbed. “I would have prepared some spaghetti.”

Mario shook his head. “That is not important. What happened to you?” 

DIO let out a deep sigh as he sat up onto the bed. Mario hesitantly took a seat beside him.

“I confessed to JoJo - the Stalin one - and he rejected me,” DIO’s lip quivered, as if he was about to break into tears again.

Mario rested his hand against DIO’s in an attempt to comfort him. While he knew that DIO was hurting, he was also kind of happy. Maybe now he would have a chance with him after all.

“Oh DIOs mio, I think I need a rebound,” DIO sobbed. But he didn’t reject Mario’s touch.

“Say, Mario,” DIO paused for a minute before he met Mario’s gaze. “You’re Italian, right?”

“I sure am,” Mario said.

DIO’s lips turned upward into a devilish smirk.

“I’ve heard that Italians are exceptionally horny,” DIO purred as he climbed into Mario’s lap, looping his arms around his neck. “Now what do you say, shall we get this show on the road.”

“No, DIO, wait,” Mario said. He knew that this would happen. He loved DIO so much, but he could never love him like this.

“I am asexual,” Mario confessed. 

DIO’s shoulders slumped, and he climbed out of Mario’s lap.

“Oh. I see,” his voice cracked as tears once again begun to drip from his eyes.

“But we can still be lovers! Just not intimate ones,” Mario quickly added. But DIO just shook his head.

“I could never do it. I’m just a slut after all,” DIO sighed. “I think JoJo Stalin was the only man I have ever truly felt anything for,” he trailed off.

They both stayed silent for a few minutes, until Mario eventually got up.

“I should probably get going,” he said, avoiding DIO’s eyes. DIO nodded.

“And it was going so well,” he whispered.

“I know. Goodbye, DIO,” Mario climbed back into the pipe.

“Farewell Mario. I hope you’ll find happiness in somebody else one day.”

“You too DIO, you too.”

And with those words, Mario disappeared, never to be seen again.

Chapter Text

People sometimes say that everyone will eventually get their happy ending.

DIO thought this was bullshit.

He had destroyed enough happy endings to know that it wasn’t true. And he had never gotten to experience it himself. Because Stalin had left him, broken and alone.

DIO heard a knock coming from the front door of his fuckhouse. Who could it be at this hour? He wouldn’t open in another few hours.

It is a woman. DIO had a feeling that she should be wearing glasses, but she isn’t for some strange reason. The wonders of technology, he guesses.

“Hello, do you have an interest in buying these?” the woman gestured to three naked fuckboys standing in a line behind her.

“Isn’t human trafficking kind of illegal?” DIO asked suspiciously. Was this the po po trying to get him again?

“They aren’t technically real, since they don’t have birth records. I have studied law and human rights so don’t try me, bitch” the woman replied.

“What a coincidence, so have I!” DIO exclaimed. 

“I don’t care. Do you want the whores or not? I will sell them all to you for three moomin-lollipops.”

DIO shrugged. That seemed fair, didn’t it?

“Alright then” DIO replied, handing the moomin-lollipops over. “Will that be all then?”

“Actually” the woman said, looking at something behind DIO. “May I have him as well?” she pointed to a tall man with long silvery hair dressed in bondage-clothing standing inside the mansion. The man in question looked startled at the suggestion. DIO didn’t know who he was, or why he was even there in the first place.

“Sure thing” DIO replied. He walked over and picked up the man, before handing him off to the woman.

“Bye then” she said, before walking off into the sunset with her new man cradled in her arms.

*****

DIO didn’t regret his purchase one bit. The fuckboys are wonderful. They pet his hair and tell him he’s the biggest whore on the planet. They feed him grapes. They draw lewd art of him and upload it to twitter, where people call him out for being into incest. All in all, DIO had a great time.

But he couldn’t lose the feeling that there was something missing. Things were too peaceful, DIO needed some angst and drama in his life.

One night when the fuckboys were busy entertaining him, a strange man fell in through the door.

“Lord DIO, I found a sexy snake in the garden and I want you to have her!” the man shouted as he ran towards DIO, presenting the snake to him.

DIO hated snakes. They were all filthy, disgusting, phallic creatures.

“Take it away, I do not want it” DIO backhanded the man so hard that his head was thrown against the wall, his nose breaking at the contact. The man falls into a panting heap on the ground. When he looked up at him, DIO expected to see hatred. But his eyes were filled with something completely different.

Why was the man on the floor looking at him like that? and why the fuck was he rock hard?

“You’re into that?” DIO asked, disgust lining his voice. The man only nodded and began to crawl towards him.

“Well, I guess that’s fair” a plan is beginning to form in DIO’s head. “What is your name then?”

“Julian” the stranger moans. “Please kill me, I love being tortured”

DIO dismissed all three fuckboys with the wave of his hand. he wouldn’t be needing them anymore. He had everything he could ever need right in front of him, ready to be tortured by him day in and day out. 

Maybe he could have a happy ending after all.

*************

If DIO wasn’t such a piece of shit, the story would end here. But it doesn’t.

Because there was one more thing that DIO desired, beside a happy ending.

Revenge.

He would be the ONLY one allowed to have a happy ending. Except for Julian, but that was only because they were a couple now. And if there was one thing Stalin had taught him, it was the power of sharing everything with your loved ones.

DIO decided to start with Mario.

He found him in his house, just eating his dinner with his brother Luigi. A calm, domestic picture that DIO couldn’t wait to rip apart.

DIO kicked down the door with a single kick of his good leg. He walked into the small cottage, Julian being dragged across the floor behind him, a dog-collar around his neck. DIO thinks he might be choking to death,k but neither of them would mind if he did so he ignores it.

“FUCK YOU MARIO!” DIO screamed. Both the Mario brothers scramble up from the table. Luigi immediately got in front of Mario, as if to try and protect him.

“Mario, run before it is too late!” Luigi yelled. But Mario stood frozen on the spot.

“But Luigi, you can not do this! Why would you sacrifice yourself for me?” Mario asked.

“Because..” Luigi paused for dramatic effect. “Because I love you, in a non-brotherly way.” Luigi said, shame burning in his eyes.

Mario gasped.

“Luigi, why didn’t you tell me. I- I have felt the same, for so many years..”

“I couldn’t do it, Mario. I have social anxiety” Luigi sid as he stroked Mario’s face tenderly. “Goodbye, brother”

“No!”

Their gentle embrace was broken when DIO kicked Luigi so hard that he broke through the roof, flying far up into the atmosphere. 

“He is on the moon now, Mario” DIO said in a serious voice. Julian just moaned like a whore from his spot on the floor.

“Then I would like to join him” Mario straightened his back as he accepted his fate.

DIO obliged.

*********

“Isn’t killing someone on their wedding day a little extreme?” Julian croaked, barely being able to talk thanks to the collar around his neck.

“Not for me, DIO, it is” DIO said, before kicking the door to the church down.

“WELL WELL WELL, GUESS WHO DIDN’T GET A FUCKING INVITE!” he screams as he walked into the church, Julian being pulled behind him. The guests start screaming as soon as the spot them. Julian just moaned as a piece of broken wood from the door stabs him in the abdomen, effectively puncturing his lung.

“DIO!” Stalin is clearly chocked as he steps toward him. “Why are you here?”

“To kill you!” DIO replied dramatically. “And your...Kakyoin?”

“Sup” Kakyoin said as he gave him a bisecual finger-gun in reply.

Stalin ran over to DIO, clenching his fists into his almost non-existent shirt.

“But why, DIO?” he pleaded.

DIO just stared into his eyes. He may have loved this man once. but that was a long time ago.

“I hate happiness” is DIO’s only response. Then he picked up Stalin by the neck and squeezes it so hard that his head flew off.

“God I wish that were me” Julian moaned.

The people around them just shrug and start leaving the church, clearly disappointed. Guess there wouldn’t be a wedding after all.

“Does this count as a divorce? Can I get all his money now?” Kakyoin asked.

“I guess” the priest said. He looked tired and like he just wanted to go home and never return to work. “Well, since the wedding is over I guess we should all head back to-”

“NOT SO FAST!”

DIO turned around. The Jojo with the hat had suddenly appeared, walking down the aisle toward where they are standing.

“I kind of have to get going, so could you just hurry this up?” DIO asked, clearly irritated.

“Since Joseph Stalin was technically my grandfather, I think I should get to inherit his spouse” Jotaro said. 

The priest looked tired. DIO was also tired.

“Fucking fine then” the priest sighed.

“M’kay” was all Kakyoin said in regards to the change of plans.

“This is becoming a mildly bizarre adventure” DIO turned to leave. He wasn’t needed here any more after all. And there was still one more man on his hit-list.

“Stop right there Mr. Murderer, I need you as a witness for this to count as a legal wedding!” The priest yelled after him.

Luckily for DIO, the ceremony was short. There wasn’t a flower bouquet to throw, since Kakyoin had already eaten it. But DIO didn’t mind, it wasn’t like he wanted to catch it and end up having to get married anyways.

And also - there was cake!

“I hate cake and I am gluten intolerant. Please force feed it to me, master DIO” Julian moaned from the floor.

DIO obliged. But he wished that he wouldn't have, because now Julian was throwing up all over the place. And that was not DIO’s kink.

“That is your wedding present I guess” DIO said as he pointed to a pile of Julian’s puke on the floor. “Bye then”

And after that they finally left to hunt down the last person on DIO’s hit list.

********

DIO and Julian are on a bus. DIO doesn’t know where they are, or where they are even going, since there aren’t any fucking signs on the bus to show where the fuck the next shitty bus stop is. 

But DIO can sense something. Something so, so wrong. 

The bus pulled to a stop outside of a small apartment complex. They walked up the stairs, and DIO once again kicked the door in. The apartment was completely silent. Nobody seemed to be awake yet.

Somebody was sleeping on a rug in the kitchen, but DIO simply ignored it. That was not why they were here. He mustn’t get distracted from his important mission.

They walk/are dragged into one of the bedrooms. In there DIO finally sees them.

It is Sephiroth. And some blond he hasn’t seen before. They are currently busy throwing up at one another. DIO would comment on it but he does not have enough functioning brain cells to even comment on it at this point.

“May I join?” Julian asked. Sephiroth and the blond both look at him and shrug.

“Sure”

Julian crawls toward them. It is a slow journey since most of his bones are broken at this point.

DIO doesn’t stay long enough to watch whatever it is they start doing. He doesn’t want to know anymore.

DIO is alone again. He had finally gotten his happy ending, but he had still fucked it up. He had lost it all, just because he wanted revenge. Was it worth it? he would often ask himself. And the answer was no.