Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
@beterbarker just sent me this . Please don’t worship me that's weird

Steve Rogers @causeimincharge
What about me, Buck?🥺

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
You’re the only exception, doll 😏

Steve Rogers @causeimincharge
Suddenly I’m not training anymore.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Disgusting. Right in front of my salad.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Uncle Steve not on twitter--

Hawk-EYE Can’t Hear You!! @hahagetmyjoke
Why is Steve running down the stairs instead of taking the elevator

Hawk-EYE Can’t Hear You!! @hahagetmyjoke
Nevermind.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Maybe putting Steve back on T after so long off of it was a bad idea…

The OG Spider @mamaspider
YOU THINK?

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
@beterbarker is this what I have to look forward to from you when I visit?

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Tori @stuckyismylifeblood
Did we just… get to witness @cuzimincharge’s first chaotic tweet???

Tori @stuckyismylifeblood
And was it about him… being horny?

Tori @stuckyismylifeblood
Also did THE TONY STARK say “right in front of my salad”? I can’t tell if this is the timeline god abandoned or his new pet project.

Go Away Anna @okaybye
Yes. Also what was that about Steve Rogers being on T???

Bi-der-Man!!! neighborhoodarachnid
Nothing, and it will not be mentioned again for his privacy until he’s ready

Go Away Anna @okaybye
Ofc, ily btw

Bi-der-Man!!! neighborhoodarachnid
Ilyt! Thanks for being a bro :)

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Daisy @flowerpower
Thor is a himbo, you cannot change my mind

Forgive Him, He’s Confused -Loki @thor
What is a himbo?

Forgive Him, He’s Confused -Loki @thor
Nevermind, Loki has explained it to me. I think you are correct

Daisy @flowerppower
This is??? The best day of my life????

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Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
I just called Peter to see what my ringtone was because his phone was on the couch

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
@beterbarker WHY THE FUCK IS MY RINGTONE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SFFJAJSKAKJDJFSAJ OH GOD

Shuri, 19 @neverlearnedhowtoread
WAIT YOU ACTUALLY DID IT???

THE bi Disaster @beterbarker
YOU TRIPLE DOG DARED ME YES I DID IT

I got a rock… -another Charles @charlesmurphy
… Peter? Do I need a new prescription or did Tony Stark and Princess Shuri just both tweet you?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh haha heyyyy Charles. No, you shouldn’t need a new prescription. That’s… no that’s accurate.

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
This is a fever dream and I am going back to bed. Good-bye twitter.

Chapter Text

Flash @hundredyarddash
Wtf not everything in the world is fucking gay, stop ‘claiming’ superheroes as trans or bi or whatever

I’m a Mess @frootloopenthusiast
I think we like to think/pretend that all of these heroes are lgbtq+ because it makes us feel more safe with them protecting us. Like they understand

LESBIANNNN @hannahluvswomen
Yeah like even if they are all cis and straight, barring @neighborhoodarachnid of course because we know he’s bi, it makes us feel better to relate to people, especially ones who risk their lives to protect us… sorry if that bothers you, i guess?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
The Avengers and I are all honored that you would claim us as your own, guys! Those of us who aren’t a part of the LGBTQ+ community are absolutely allies, and we love you!

LESBIANNNN @hannahluvswomen
Oh my god Spider-Man actually responded and said the Avengers are allies. My entire life was just made.

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Loki is my husband @yesiloveloki
Hi I love @godofmischief. That’s all have a good day

Not Puny, Thank You @godofmischief
I assume that if I knew you I would also care deeply for you, young Midgardian. Also, husband is an incorrect word to consistently refer to me as. I am as you would say, gender-fluid. @neighborhoodarachnid taught me about pronouns recently. Today my pronouns are they/them.

Loki is my Spouse!!! @yesiloveloki
I’m so glad you told me! I changed it. Also thank you… I think?

Dr. Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
“Care deeply for you” is the highest form of affection anyone except for Spider-Man has received from Loki. They really don’t… like that many people.

Loki is my Spouse!!! @yesiloveloki
Well then thank you!!!

Not Puny, Thank You @godofmischief
You’re quite welcome.

Loki is my Spouse!!! @yesiloveloki
Holy fucking shit this is the best day of my entire goddamn life. Send tweet. Farewell Twitter I will die a happy woman.

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Bi-der-Man!!! neighborhoodarachnid
WHY DO PEOPLE ASSUME I’M STRAIGHT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
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The OG Spider @mamaspider
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Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
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Dr. Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
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Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
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Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
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Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
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Shuri, 19 @neverlearnedhowtoread
rt

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
rt

Not Puny, Thank You @lokigodofmischief
rt

Forgive Him, He’s Confused -Loki @thor
rt

Bi-der-Man!!! neighborhoodarachnid
IT IS LITERALLY IN MY USERNAME I’M BI GUYS

Ryan @gayerthanu
Did we just… get to witness the most iconic day in twitter history?

Gray @survivingonmemes
This is the best day of my life

~~~~~~~~~~ The Next Day ~~~~~~~~~~~

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
In light of the PR nightmare that the Avengers and myself have created, we decided to use this thread and take the time to address our tweets from yesterday.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
[screeenshot of Spider-Man’s tweet about not being straight]
According to plenty of people across numerous platforms, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and I, quote, “broke the internet”. From what we, along with the PR team, have witnessed, that’s very true.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
The goal was to wait just a few extra months for pride month, to allow everyone to make up their minds about how much they wanted to reveal, however, I guess we’re here now.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
My name is Pepper Potts. I’m a queer woman. It took me a long time to accept that, but I have never been happier than I am now, comfortable with who I am.

The OG Spider @mamaspider
I’m a lesbian. I wasn’t allowed to be who I was for a very long time, but I’m so grateful for my girlfriend now.

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
I’m a proud gay man, and I have been since the 40’s. I’ve been engaged to @cuzimincharge since then, too.

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I’ve never said a word to the public, and it was erased from history, but not only am I bisexual, I’m transgender. When I was 13, I cut my hair in the bathroom and refused to respond to any name except for Steve where I could get away with it. Of course, I’ve been engaged to @hundredyearoldman since WWII. We’ve been planning our wedding for a year now.

Shuri, 19 @neverlearnedhowtoread
If you colonizers didn’t know I was a massive lesbian, I don’t know how you went this long before you figured it out. Now you know, I guess?

Forgive Him, He’s Confused -Loki @thor
I identify as what young Man of Spiders says is queer! Unlike my sibling, I only use one set of pronouns, he and him!

Better Bird Uncle @samwilson
I’m currently questioning my sexuality, but I will always be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I’m bi!!! Duh. But what you might not know is that I’m trans, too! Just like our lovely Captain America @cuzimincharge

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And I join the bi-trans people and make three! This is my official coming out to the world, huh?

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
I’m gay as hell, in case anyone was wondering. Also currently in love with @beterbarker which is super fun.

Dr. Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
I’m asexual! You’re all so shocked, I know. I’m also panromantic. @youknowwhoiam and I have a mostly-platonic situation going on. QPPs is what @beterbarker is telling me we’re called.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
I mean… here goes nothing. I’m asexual, too. However, I’m also gray-romantic, so I’m also kind of iffy on the romance stuff, too. But @doctornotmister and I make it work just fine.

Hawk-EYE Can’t Hear You!! @hahagetmyjoke
I’m cis and straight, but might play around with the term aromantic for a while? Otherwise, yes, I’m a cis white straight male. I’m sorry about us. BUT-- I bring a different kind of diversity being almost completely deaf. #disabledvisibility

Wanda <3 @scarletbitxh
@thorismydad and I are both straight and cis, but we are proud allies! We love the diversity on our team. Also, our Twitter-less friends have given me permission to tell you their sexualities as well!

Wanda <3 @scarletbitxh
Captain Marvel, aka Carol Danvers, is a very proud lesbian
The Sorcerer Supreme is asexual and biromantic, and he has also asked me to tell you that he and his boyfriend are very happy.
Ant-Man is a cishet ally!!
Our Guardians have disclosed that they have two queer members and are all allies, but wish to keep the rest private.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
The Avengers and I are so proud of who we are, and we hope to encourage happiness all around! If you are in a bad situation, please message one of us and we will do our utmost to help you. Please remember to embrace diversity, as it is what makes the world beautiful.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Also, please be sensitive with us, this was a very big step, especially for @cuzimincharge, @beterbarker, and @neighborhoodarachnid. We will all be taking a step back from social media for the next day or so and regrouping.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
At this point even I’M convinced this is a fever dream.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
‘Why Peter, what finally tipped you over the edge?’, you may ask?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I just came up from the lab, only to find Disney music playing and the so-called “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” dramatically reenacting the songs.

I <3 Spidey @spiderstan
I’m sorry, did you just drop a bombshell like this and NOT post a video?

Marshall @ihatetwitter
BRO WE NEED A VIDEOOOOO

I’m sorry in advance @ironstragefan1
MR. THE BI DISASTER SIR PLEASE POST A VIDEO

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OKAY OKAY HOLD UP I HAD TO GET THE VIDEO UPLOADED FROM FRIDAY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Here, you desperate bitches.
[In the video, Clint, Natasha, Tony, Steve, Bucky, and Bruce are seen. Loki is staring at them from the kitchen island.
‘Poor Unfortunate Souls’ is playing through the speakers.
Natasha is really into the song, using Clint as the Ariel to her Ursula.
Bruce and Tony aren’t really lip-syncing as much as they were dancing, Tony dips Bruce at one point, and they both almost fall, doubling over laughing as soon as they right themselves, Bruce’s head resting on Tony’s shoulder to avoid falling down. At one point Bruce grabs Tony’s hand and spins him around.
Around this time, Peter comes out from the elevator and stops dead as soon as he disembarks. The camera just barely catches him mumble “oh please let the cameras be getting all of this”.
Steve and Bucky are both a little confused, but they’ve got the spirit. Steve knows more of the song than Bucky, and they go in and out of lip-syncing from their seats on the couch.
As the speakers play “Floxam, Jetsam, now I’ve got her boys, the boss is on a roll”, Clint makes a mad dash for the remote.
“Back off bitches this is my moment!!!” Clint hisses, running and sliding down on both knees for the final dramatic “this poor unfortunate soul!!!” before standing up and bowing. Steve and Natasha are laughing so hard that Steve fell off the couch, Peter is already instructing FRIDAY to play “Make A Man Out Of You” from Mulan, and Bucky, Tony, and Bruce are all clapping for Clint as the video ends]

I <3 Queer-vengers @theyreallgay
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT BRUCE AND TONY THEY ARE THE CUTEST FUCKING QPPS EVER I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH

Jackie @jackiebutnotchan
@theyreallgay YES!!!! Thank you! They’re so wholesome. The SPIN???

Emmie @hawkeyetrash
Clint’s whole “back off Nat, this is my moment” is sending me--

Emmie @hawkeyetrash
And the remote control acting as a mic? ICONIC

Step on me @blackwidowiloveyou
Natasha’s Ursula was amazing and I am now making a “Times Natasha Romanov was Ursula IRL” compilation.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay I know it’s been a few hours, we just had a whole Disney jam session. Who wants more contenttttttt (keep in mind they’re all at least a little tipsy from the start so these only get better)

Bella @disneynerdnumerouno
I think I speak for everyone when I say “I DOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Leslie @imadude
@disneynerdnumerouno rt

Ryan @gayerthanu
@disneynerdnumerouno rt

Too Gay For This Shit @probablygaypanicking
@disneynerdnumerouno rt

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m just gonna post two more here, follow me on YouTube @/adventureswiththeavengers for the rest, plus maybe some vlogging with the gang. Spidey and I share the account so you’ll see a ton from him too!
[This video takes place directly after the last one, as the opening bars of “Make A Man Out Of You” from Mulan play. Peter readily jumps into the fray with Clint, grabbing the other remote for his microphone.
“LET’S. GET DOWN. TO BUSINESS. TO DEFEAT. THE HUNS.” everyone shouts, even Bucky and Steve.
The entirety of the song is lip syncing mixed with playful sparring on the part of everyone, Peter and Steve both shouting “BE A MAN” every time it comes up. “Haha trans humor” Peter smirked after the first time. Steve rolled his eyes, but still laughed.
Clint is half-singing half-shouting the words, but it’s evident that he has a decent singing voice.
Natasha is doing the most playful sparring, jumping onto Bruce’s shoulders from the ground at one point, and they fight that way.
Peter pulls Tony in with him and Clint near the end, and after some resistance, Tony joins their super-over-the-top lip syncing into the remotes.
The song fades out with a big finish on the entire team’s part.
“BE A MAN” Peter and Steve shout. “We must be swift as the coursing river” Clint sings, pointing at Natasha, who jumps off of Bruce’s shoulders gracefully.
“With all the force of a great typhoon” Clint points to Bruce, who gives him a playful glare. “Hulk is not joining this party.”
“With all the strength of a raging fire” Clint points to Bucky, who grins and winks at Steve.
“MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON!!!!!” Clint sings loudly, spinning around, effectively pointing to the entire group as the song closes out. The video ends with Clint falling to the floor, and Peter wheezing with laughter.]

hopeless, awkward, desperate for love @ilovechandlerbing
this is officially the best collective fever dream to exist

john @iwasoveronthebench
How could this get any better?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@iwasoveronthebench the other video i’m posting is “at last I see the light”. It gets emotional and I had to leave and call my boyfriend in the middle of it, ngl.

john @iwasoveronthebench
I stand corrected.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Everyone knows this song because Tangled is a collective favorite. This was our last lip-sync of the night, and yes after this Bruce and Tony left for the roof to have a long conversation. They’re not back yet.
[The opening bars play, and Clint takes on the persona of a 20’s jazz club singer, all dramatic and slow. Think Catherine Zeta-Jones in “All That Jazz” but it's emotional. Steve and Bucky are standing up from the couch, crossing to an empty space to slow dance. Peter, also on the couch, smiles as Tony and Bruce join Clint’s singing. He seems content to watch while biting his lip and checking his phone every few seconds, he’s obviously texting someone. Natasha is nowhere to be seen.
Around Flynn Rider’s piece, Bruce turns to Tony, offering his hand to him. Tony looks at him for a second, confused, before nodding and grabbing his hand. They join Bucky and Steve in slow dancing.
Eventually Peter sends a final text before answering his phone and leaving the room to the couples and Clint’s 5th wheel.
The song is coming to a close as Steve and Bucky press their foreheads together and Bucky yawns, causing Steve to chuckle before they both head off camera, supposedly to their room. Even Clint could take one look at Tony and Bruce and realize it was time to clear out. How does he leave? By moonwalking away.
It was just Tony and Bruce left as the song came to a close, and at the last second before the video cut off, Tony leaned forward and kissed Bruce.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
holy shit do i have two dads

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
idk bro I’ll keep you updated through the DMs

Here Queer and @fullofexistentialfear
I’m sorry did we all just witness what was probably the start of the Sciences Bros: Romance-ish Edition? (not fully romance bc I know Tony is gray-romantic)

[clever name] @cleverusername
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have watched it. This feels really private. But also, that was really kind of sweet. Bucky and Steve? Adorable. Tony and Bruce? Sweet af. I have cavities now.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Here are all the links to the other lip-sync videos!
Avengers Lip Sync! - Friends on the Other Side (The Princess and the Frog)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Hi-Ho (Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Remember Me (Coco) !!!Warning!!! Bucky and Steve get emotional, you probably will too
Avengers Lip Sync! - Sister Suffragette (Mary Poppins) (Natasha gets really into it)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Colors of the Wind (Pochahontas)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Let It Go (Frozen)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Show Yourself (Frozen II) (everyone's a little emotional)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Circle of Life (the Lion King) (Peter lifted like Simba)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Thomas O’Malley (Aristocats)
Avengers Lip Sync! - Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (Lilo & Stitch) (Clint loses sh*t)

You May Not Call Me MJ @scaryandiknowit
Did I just… actually witness that? THE Black Widow dancing to a song to Mary Poppins?

Step on me @blackwidowiloveyou
Mhmm. we all did.

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Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Damn Twitter stop blowing up my phone.

9 hours later…
Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
I’M SORRY OKAY I HAD TO CLEAR THIS WITH THE PR TEAM AKA PEPPER

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
To answer your question, @neighborhoodarachnid: you have two dads now.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
NO FUCKING WAY WAIT I’M COMING TO THE LAB SOMEONE HUG ME I M M E D I A T E L Y

Go Away Anna @okaybye
MR. IRON MAN SIR PLEASE HUG SPIDEY FOR US

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
@okaybye THE ENTIRE TEAM IS ON IT

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
@neighborhoodarachnid cried. @fridaytheai will provide a voice recording with Spider-Man’s voice modulation.
[the first photo is of a head-- covered by a hoodie-- jumping onto Tony, who’s grinning widely.]
[the second photo is the same person jumping onto Bruce]
[the third photo is the person pulling Tony into his and Bruce’s hug]
[the fourth photo is minutes later in the living room with the entire team hugging the three. Tony is subtly kissing the kid’s head while Bruce kisses his]

Shuri, 19 @neverlearnedhowtoread
FUCK. MY FEELINGS.

Wanda <3 @scarletbitxh
So I missed some things, huh?

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Voice Recording.mp3
[the sound of elevator doors is heard, and then footsteps
Spider-Man: (voice crack) Dad? That was real, right? You can’t play with my feelings like that
Tony: One hundred percent real, kid.
(sound of running is heard)
Tony: oomph-- damn kid. Don’t knock me over.
Spider-Man: You’re happy, right?
Tony: Very. I got you and Bruce, we’re gonna be just fine.
Spider-Man: Love you, dad.
Tony: Love you too, spiderling
(more footsteps)
Bruce: what, nothing for me?
Spider-Man: don’t scare me like that Bruce!!!
Bruce: Sorry, sorry… (two steps before another grunt is heard) kid I’m not as strong as your dad, I WILL fall over
Spider-Man: I’m not even sorry
(silence)
Spider-Man: (whispering) you know if you hurt my dad I might have to bury you alive
Bruce: don’t worry too much, kiddo. I really like your dad. I’m not going anywhere.
Spider-Man: (voice crack) okay--]

Better Bird Uncle @samwilson
You people keep this cute family shit up and I might have to come home early.

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
None of us cried. Nope.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay. so. Something is happening. And the Avengers are going to hate me. But you people are going to love me

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Right now, at this very moment, I have convinced Mr. Stark, Natasha, Steve, Bucky, Bruce, and Clint, Wanda, and Vision. Parental Guidance is recommended, things may get foul. Or explode.

Michaela @shellytheumbrelly
Oh please let things get foul. @beterbarker will you be in it?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m the judge! But I’ll be live tweeting the best parts as kind of a trailer!

Michaela @mickeymousketeer34
bring it tf on, genius boy

Nedward @justaguyinachair
why. was. i. not. invited.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@justaguyinachair because i’m afraid Vision is going to blow up the kitchen

Nedward @beterbarker
Fine but i want the unedited full version.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’ll see what I can do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And so it begins… the planning.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Bitch why was I not invited

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Because you’re an asshole

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
@youknowwhoiam DAD! The intern is being mean!

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Boss says “Boys! Get along. What was that last week about ‘trans bro solidarity’?”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
skskjdkssjsk just bc hes my trans bro doesn’t mean we like each other okay? Go back to your cake planning and defying gravity and all that shit.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Yeah what bitchboy intern said

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
On THAT note, the chosen soundtrack today is musicals. If you haven’t seen Wanda and Vision re-enact “Dead Girl Walking” from Heathers then you are in for something AMAZING when this video comes out.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I just saw Mr. Stark and Bruce’s cake design and I am so excited. That is either going to be a disaster or it’s going to be incredible.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Natasha and Clint’s is (hopefully) going to be so pretty, and Wanda and Vision’s is going to be adorable… if Vision doesn’t blow it up.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bucky and Steve’s is looking good! I’m so ready for this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WANDA IS MAKING SHIT FLOAT AROUND, SHE’S NOT TOUCHING A N Y T H I N G. JUST CALLING SHIT FROM ALL OVER THE KITCHEN AND SHE JUST HIT STEVE IN THE HEAD WITH THE OREOS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
STEVE LOOKED LIKE A CONFUSED PUPPY AND BUCKY IS HOWLING

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
NOW STEVE JUST LOOKS POUTY AND BUCKY IS KISSING HIS HEAD AND APOLOGIZING I CANNOT BREATHE I--

It’s a Me!! Marie! @noalmondsformarie
You are living the only valid life, my dude

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Thank you thank you

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WANDA WAS FLOATING THE FLOUR AND ACCIDENTALLY POURED FLOUR ONTO EVERYONE BECAUSE THE BAG HAD A MASSIVE RIP AND NO ONE KNEW. LIKE. EVERYONE. THEYRE ALL COVERED. PLEASE HOLD

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
[the photo is of the entire kitchen, Wanda and Vision at one end and Wanda is bright red and covering her mouth, one hand raised to float the flour. Vision is laughing with her. Next is Steve and Bucky, and both are white faced and coughing, little white clouds coming from their mouths. Nat and Clint are next to them, Nat’s eyes are still screwed shut, hands going to wipe her face and Clint reaching into their flour bag, evil glint in his eye. Tony and Bruce clearly got the worst of the flour, the initial avalanche from the bag. Both have hair so white that it’s opaque and flour is caked on their faces and staining the front of their shirts. They’re laughing at each other, Tony is halfway doubled over and Bruce is bracing himself on the counter]

Fuck the @patriarchy
I’m making this my new wallpaper

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
So am I

Fuck the @patriarchy
Proof or it didn’t happen… Ms. Pepper Potts my queen ma’am

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
[screenshot]

Fuck the @patriarchy
Goddamn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The cakes are in the oven!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Now, the frosting. Which is my favorite part and I’m out here BEGGING them all to not fuck this up because if they have shitty frosting they’re getting 50 points docked immediately.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well. That went ass-up real fast

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Clint snuck up behind Wanda and scared her and all the bags of powdered sugar that’s on the counter fucking EXPLODED, and it looks like it’s snowing. Mr. Stark is trying to catch the falling sugar on his tongue like snow.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Bro text me photos in the name of trans solidarity.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m on it

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Nat sent Clint to the store-- still covered in flour-- to buy out their powdered sugar because there must have 15 bags out. This is his punishment. We are having a break while he’s out. Bruce is already power-napping on Tony’s lap.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Avengers INCOMING

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
Nat and Clint are going d o w n

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Steven Grant Rogers get off of Twitter if you’re going to be all adrenaline-induced-competitive

Bi-der-Man!!! @nieghborhoodarachnid
Haha cap got scolded by his bf

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
Don’t make me sic your bf on you, spidey (FYI, spidey’s bf doesn’t have twitter)

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Fuck pls don’t

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
Too late

--------------
Harley -> Peter
Harley: Peter Benjamin Parker--
Peter: LET ME HAVE MY FUN HARLEY
Peter: TWITTER FEUDING WITH MYSELF IS AMAZING
Harley: you’re the weirdest
Peter: you loooooove meeeeee
Harley: I do
Peter: <3
Peter: I’m gonna go i love you byeee
--------------

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I was yelled at…

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
Haha spidey youfjdkskafdo

Abraham @noiwasntthepresident
He died before he could finish. Spidey got him

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
No i just took his phone from him

Hawky-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I’m broadcasting that I am on my way back from the store!!!

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
And yes I got a lot of looks and pointing/laughing.

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Pete, I’ll be home in 5 minutes @beterbarker

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
[photo of a sleep-rumpled Bruce Banner, sitting up next to Tony and adjusting his glasses. Tony is behind him with a sickeningly sweet and fond look on his face] Well look what you’ve done you woke up Bruce

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
and that’s MY new wallpaper. Family thingssss <3

Martine @martymcflybitch
Dr. Stark, Dr. Banner, and Spidey’s little family gives me the most amazing vibes Spidey loves his dad and his dad’s bf so much and they love him i’m gonna cry

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay Clint is home and the cakes are almost done (the amount of ovens Mr. Stark has… there are like 4 on this floor and 3 on the floor above)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bruce and Mr. Stark made like 5 cakes and I’m getting the scraps. Yes it feels a little like being a pet but I’m small and loud… WAIT, I’m kind of a pet??? Hold on--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I feel a quarter-life crisis incoming

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’ll get back to you on the whole pet thing. Anyway, the cakes are out and everyone’s icing is mixing! It’s. So. Loud.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I can hear it from down the street oh my god how are your ears not bleeding.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I think they are

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The kitchen smells so good. Haha @neighborhoodarachnid bet you wish you had enhanced smell, huh?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
fuck u

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bro just swing by for judging (lmao swing get it)

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
DM me

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay so Spidey WILL be coming by to help judge, but he can’t eat in his suit, so he’s gonna be off camera and we’ll modify his voice

Cheesesticks @ilovecheese
Oh man the frenemy trans bros judging together I cannot wait

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
SPIDEY IS IN THE TOWERRRRR

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I walked out of the elevator and everyone groaned. Even dad and Bruce. I’m hurt. Not surprised. But hurt.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Mr. Stark and Bruce are building their cake now and everyone has just realized that they’re probably losing.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Although, Natasha is being very scary right now and using knives to whittle carrots into flowers so maybe the physics-defying cake falls over. Whoops--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hi I am JOKING. I like this job and I want to keep it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HOW

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WHAT THE FUCK

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
MR. JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES JUST BLEW UP THE GODDAMN BLENDER. IT. FUCKING. BLEW UP.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
(everyone is fine and the cakes are okay too)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
How… how the hell did he do that?

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Blender Explosion Footage

Hey Judy @judymoody69
How do I walk around every day just projecting this video

Hey Judy @judymoody69
BARNES’ FACE IS SENDING MEEEEEEE

Colette @holeycoley
This video has convinced me that I would be best friends with @hahagetmyjoke because he laughed first and checked on his friends second and thats the kind of positivity that I need.

babbling brooke @brookecooks58
Wanda’s immediate reaction to try to freeze everything she could in midair is so wholesome. Also Vision looks very wary to continue staying out there.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh Vision just wants to go leave and have a nice, long charge/reboot (nap/sleep for us)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I had to beg him to stay just now, honestly. But he’s all good, everyone is unharmed except a few pieces sticking out of Bucky’s metal arm, thanks to Wanda

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
By the way!!! The frosting is done, I have taste tested all of them. Wanda and Visions could use a little work, but I think that’s just because Vision may have added a few extra things for the sake or creativity. He can’t eat, he doesn’t get to add extra things because he can’t TASTE THEM

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Everyone else’s frosting tastes great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The amount of fondant in this kitchen is disgusting.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
AND THE ROBOTS HAVE JOINED THE FRAY.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Did Mr. Stark and I stay up for a week creating baking bots to help especially with decorating because every single person here is an anxiety-riddled mess? And therefore half of us are decently shaky and need a little help?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yes. Yes we did and they are GLORIOUS

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Peter why.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BECAUSE CAKE, PEPPER

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WE ARE DECORATING FUCKERS LETS GO

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarahnid
Mama Spider is such a badass she’s carving flowers out of different veggies AND piping some. Wtf is Uncle Birdbrain doing? He’s watching the fondant robot. Also Wanda is successfully not hitting anyone with the knives
b r e a d @soggybiscuits
Hitting someone with a knife is also known as stabbing…

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Nah, not if it’s the flat side

b r e a d @soggybiscuits
i-- you’re not wrong but still

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Moving on… updates are gonna be a little sparse unless someone livens up this party. Cake decorating is boring and I now understand why @sorcerersupreme would have a hard time with this challenge.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team Old Men and Team Scary Spies are taking a break because Bucky accidentally scared Clint (his hearing aids died I’m on my way to get new batteries) and Clint freaked out and he needs a minute and Bucky insisted he and Steve stop with Clint and Nat.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
For further backstory: The kitchen is d e a d silent right now because of the decorating, so Clint literally just… didn’t notice when his hearing aids died a few minutes ago, and Bucky tapped him on the shoulder and Clint jumped about 7 feet in the air (yes. Nat caught him) and screamed. He’s totally fine. Just needs to make sure he’s still breathing

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ALSO YES I HAVE NAMED THE TEAMS. Bucky and Steve are Team Old Men, Mr. Stark and Bruce are Team Defying Gravity (after their cake), Nat and Clint are Team Scary Spies, and Wanda and Vision are Team Casualty. I mean, we’ve seen today’s wreckage.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And we’re back. Steve has edible paint and fondant that’s already half-painted… I’m sad I have to eat this

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THE AMOUNT OF BUTTERCREAM AND FONDANT FLOWERS SITTING IN FRONT OF NATASHA FUCKING ROMANOFF RIGHT NOW-- (A/N: in chris evan’s voice) this is gonna be amazingggg

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Wanda and Vision look like they’re almost done! Their decorating is *chef’s kiss*. Simple and stunning

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
I’m so hurt this couldn’t wait 3 more weeks I wanna be there

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’ll freeze you a slice, babe

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
You better freeze me more than one--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Or what?

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
…check your texts, darlin’

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OHNOOHNOOHNOOHNOOHNO NOT ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
*ignores all the replies to my last two tweets* back to baking!! Finally, Mr. Stark and Bruce’s is looking amazing, and I think I already see a winner, folks. I’ll post pictures the second they’re all done I swear to god.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also it’s like 2 AM so the cake tasting is gonna have to be in the morning. Worry not, @neighborhoodarachnid will still be in the video, he’s gonna stay in his room at the tower so we can have cake for breakfast!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Wanda and Vision are done and out for the night! Wanda is yawning left and right and Vision wants to charge.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Sorry, I know it’s been an hour, but nothing has happened. Spidey is already asleep. Bucky is putting the painted fondant on their cake… Steve is sitting on the floor.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Natasha and Clint are almost done with their cake too. I’m thanking everything for autocorrect because otherwise this would be unreadable

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m going to bed I’m too tired. Bruce and Mr. Stark are STILL working, and they’re gonna just turn the cameras off when they’re done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay. I know it’s like noon but everyone is finally awake. I’m pretty sure Mr. Stark and Bruce just stayed up.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
They w h a t

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Don’t worry, Ms. Pepper! Spidey and I are on it once we wrap up

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Good.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re walking and we’re moving on and we’re asking FRIDAY to get the competitors into the kitchen and…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Everyone is officially here!! Cakes are already coming out of storage, I’m taking photos and posting them right now!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Mr. Stark and Bruce’s Cake!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Steve and Bucky’s Cake!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Wanda and Vision’s Cake!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Clint and Natasha’s Cake!!!

april showers @ewwhoshowers
I--

april showers @ewwhoshowers
YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT CAPTAIN AMERICA PAINTED THAT CAKE

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I mean yeah i watched it

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ALSO!!! I meant to add, guys, I had cameras on each of the groups so I could do separate time lapses of each making of the cakes!!!

Lorraine Pascale Hate Club @neverenoughginger
Holy shit I understand why Peter called Bruce and Tony Team Defying Gravity

Duff Goldman✔️ @duffgoldman
Yes, hello, Food Network. I have an idea for a new competition show

Carla Hall✔️ @carlahall
I’m blown away by these incredible cakes! I can’t wait to see the taste tests!!

Gordon Ramsey✔️ @gordonramsey
I’m very impressed with these cakes. The buttercream flowers are precise, the hand-painted peonies are detailed, the steampunk three-layer is impeccably covered in fondant, and the castle one… it truly does defy all gravity and logic. I truly hope they all taste like they look.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The fact that GORDON FUCKING RAMSEY tweeted about this--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay. I had a very quick, very mild breakdown over the attention this is getting. Moving on.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
First up: Wanda and Vision

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Decoration: I love it! It’s super cute, a steampunk moment. A little simple but hey, simple isn’t bad!
Icing: ehhh… plain vanilla, a little too sweet, yknow? Just edging on gross
Cake: fuck. yes. So good. It’s red velvet
Overall score: 7/10 I warned yall about the frosting

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Next: Steve and Bucky

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Decoration: I-- the fact that this is fucking hand painted, I want to simultaneously punch and hug Steve
Icing: Yes. Just yes. Bucky knows how it’s DONE.
Cake: It’s lovely! Perfect little french vanilla!
Overall score: 10/10

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Yeah, Bucky and I have had a lot of shared frosting on sleepless nights after nightmares. He’s a frosting genius. His cookies and cream frosting is the shit

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well now I feel robbed of the really good stuff

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Haha no trauma icing for you

Cori @grammycori20
I suddenly really want to hug Bucky Barnes and Spidey

this bish EMPTY @y33t.
Fun fact: Spidey saved me once! He gives good hugs

Cori @grammycori20
Oops I’m gonna go get mugged. HeY sPiDeR-mAn!!!!

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
NO

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Nat and Clint’s cake!!! Which is gorgeous, btw
Decoration: impressive. I watched them pipe flowers for hours. Plus it’s edible. Icing counts for extra now
Icing: almost perfect. It’s missing something, but I’m not sure what
Cake: It was fine but Clint should not have been in charge of it.
Overall score: 9/10

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Finally!!! Mr. Stark and Bruce!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Decoration: i’m speechless
Icing: flawless. How are they so good?!
Cake: a little dry but the frosting helped it get there
Overall score: 15/10

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CONGRATS TO @doctornotmister and @younkowwhoiam on your win! You get nothing because it’s a youtube video.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The video will be up this weekend, I’ll post it here!!!

Chapter Text

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I am officially a full-time resident of @youknowwhoiam’s Tower.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
God save us all

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Alright, Twitter. Time to explore the vents lets gooooooo

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I’ve been up here a few times, but I know there are a few places I haven’t been yet. So we’re gonna go there

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Hey @hahagetmyjoke

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
What

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Have you ever checked the vents on the top floor?

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Holy shit I HAVENT I’m headed there now. Thanks, Barnes

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Oh god what have you done

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
[a quick snapshot of Bucky on their bed, clearly mid-giggle, looking at his laptop.]

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I just needed to show his version of a maniacal laugh: the maniacal giggle

Handy Manny @emmanuelisatool
wtf is in that vent

The OG Spider @mamaspider
I guess you’re about to find out.

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
It’s just vents, nothing cool yet

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Hey wait--

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
…@youknowwhoiam Stark… why the fuck is this part of the vents webbed off?

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
STARK YOU LIKED THIS ANSWER ME

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I have never heard Tony snort louder than he just did

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
[very blurry of probably-Tony, who is wheezing on the couch]

The OG Spider @mamaspider
Barton, i wouldn’t…

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
WHAT’S THAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M DEAF

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I’m gonna touch the web

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Okay barton for real, maybe come back down so I can debrief you on a few things…

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
… too late

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Why am I stuck

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Goodbye, Clint

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Wh… what?

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Why?

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Oh what the fucskshfdj

Mary-Louise Who?@marylouwhoo
He died

pepperoni pizza @cheetosarethebomb
RIP Hawkeye

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Vent Footage
[the video starts and Clint has an arm stuck and is tweeting.
He pauses, tweets again.
Pauses, eyebrows raise, starts to tweet, and then we hear a voice.
“I FELT PREY ENTER MY LAIR AND I CRAVE FLESH.”
Clint, understandably, screams and drops his phone.
“WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK.”
“SPIDER INSTINCTS SAY CONSUME THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO CHALLENGE ME”
“Uhhh… Spidey…?”
“Huh? Oh. Hey Clint. You good?”
“ARE YOU?”
“Oh, yeah I just kinda hang around here when the spider instincts kick in too hard to ignore.”
“Get me out of here and maybe let me know next time?”
Spidey is already moving to remove Clint’s arm from the webbing.
“I thought I had more time, you moved in like… an hour ago!!!”
“...and?”
“Get out of my vent, Clint.”
“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Clint says, falling onto his elbows and wriggling back down the vent.]

Freya, Darling @noitsfeyre
Spidey… what?

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Craves human flesh. Yeah, I know. It’s just the spider instincts talking. Why the hell do you guys think he has a designated vent area away from everyone?

Moriko @mowrites4u
It… makes sense, but is also terrifying. Do spiders… eat people?

Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
Not that we’ve found. However, spiders have been found to eat other spiders… so since Spidey is technically human--

LIES-el @swissboobytrap
Spidey: go away Clint
Clint: *desperate wiggling*

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Hi!!! I have returned. No, I don’t actually crave human flesh. I have never and will never eat another person. It’s… hard to explain. But genuinely, please don’t worry about it. When I can’t ignore the weird, feral urge, I head to the vents. I would never be out like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
If Spidey doesn’t stop writing his notes in invisible ink…

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Imagine NOT being able to see ultraviolet spectrums

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
I will reject your lab privileges again

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Whoop back to dumpster diving.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Get your ass out of whatever dumpster I know you just cannonballed into

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
HOW--

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Call it fathers-intuition. You’re working with Pete all next week instead.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
FUCK--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m not happy either what did I do to you Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
You’re being compensated. Bucky is making cupcakes

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bring it on Spider-Bitch

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
SPIDER INSTINCTS SAY RIP THE TRAITORS ARM OFF

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Making my way to the lab for Mr. Stark’s protection, walking fast

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I see you, little intern…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WALKING FASTER--

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
SPIDER-MAN [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] (yes I typed redacted I’m extra he knows what I mean) YOU BETTER REPRESS THOSE SPIDER INSTINCTS RIGHT NOW OR GET YOUR ASS TO YOUR VENT YOUNG MAN

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
You’re no fun

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Oh no how dare I tell you to not threaten my intern with loss of limb

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I just walked into the kitchen, and Spidey is eating chocolate covered crickets

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I should have stayed on the ice this is disgusting

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I see you tweeting about it, popsicle man

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I’m a fucking spider. They eat bugs. Therefore I eat bugs. I don’t like them, but it keeps the spider instincts at bay and I have a test to study for.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
It’s not that weird

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
Not everyone eats bugs, kid

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
But plenty of people do. Open your mind, Cap

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Having spidey-senses to warn me of incoming danger is great and all but uhh… I got dared to chug a 5-hour energy and now I can taste sound and smell color.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
ALRIGHT WHO GAVE THE KID CAFFEINE

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I can hear you typing from school

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Did you guys know mac and cheese sounds like opera music?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
And classic rock feels like wool?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Maybe I need a nap

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Nah…

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Also green beans from a can sound like angel choruses you hear in movies? Maybe that’s just because I like them a LOT?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Damn it I’m crashing already what’s the point of a 5 hour energy drink if it lasts an hour. I’m gonna get some coffee this is fun.

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
NO

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Too late lmao

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Did you guys know birds are assholes? I can understand them now. Also beetles just want to be loved. Ants are the Chads of the bug world, they have big egos because they can lift such heavy stuff.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
The stray dog in the courtyard has just confirmed that all dogs are cute. She says her name is Tessa! She’s some type of terrier, and I love her

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
She wants to stay a stray, she likes the freedom, but we’re officially besties now I don’t make the rules.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I think the bell for class just rattled my brain why is it so LOUD. Also why can I hear everyone breathing like they’re right next to my ears.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I don’t like coffee anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Fun Fact also really really gross fact: Once a month or so I peel like I have a bad sunburn. Molt thingssss

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
You’re giving Steve and aneurysm.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Not my fault I can’t just wiggle out my my skin like most spiders

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I am begging you to stop

--------------
Petey > Shmaptain Shmerica
Petey: [photo of skin falling off of Peter’s arm]
--------------

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Why did my fiance just gag and then throw up

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
<3

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
[redacted] Spider-Man [redacted] I will ground you

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Oop cant hear you over the peeling of my skin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Okay okay okay. So here’s the thing. You guys just see Spidey with super strength when he’s in his uniform, right? But he lives in the tower. With us. And this kid just does not look like he would be stronger than Captain America

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
But like… I just witnessed Spidey one-handedly pick up the couch so the robot could vacuum under it. The couch also had 4 people on it. And Spidey was wearing pascal (y’know the lizard from Tangled) pajama pants and a big tshirt. It just… doesn’t fit?

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
UNCLE CLINT STOP EXPOSING MY EMBARRASSING PAJAMAS

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Also I don’t do the weird super-human abilities thing that often

Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
Kid, last night I know for a FACT you were on the roof when I was 6 feet below and mentioned brownies. You swung through the window not seconds later and asked if we were making them

The OG Spider @mamaspider
Clint and I were making popcorn few years ago and you swung in and said you smelled it from Queens

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
You just randomly lifted one of my cars last month. Just picked it up and carried it over to me because I wanted to work on it but didn’t want to get up

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Yes thank you everyone we can stop now

Pepper Potts @ceoofstarkindustries
The Building. You weren’t in uniform there. Enough said.

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
Whoop traumaaaaaa I totally forgot about that one!!! Ngl it was scary but it was so cool too because I didn’t know I could do that.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HARLEY IS COMING HARLEY IS COMING HARLEY IS COMING

SIRACHAHAHA @iwasdrunkwhenimadethis
Who gave our favorite intern an energy drink?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HUH WHAT NOBODY I’M JUST EXCITED

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
I’M ALSO EXCITED BECAUSE MY BF IS COMING (not related to bitchboy intern, IronDad just didn’t want to have to hire another car)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I'M SO EXCITED @potatoflewaroundmyroom ARE YOU ON THE PLANE YET

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
Currently on the way to the airstrip (yes I’m flying private thanks to @youknowwhoiam) and freaking out

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yup thought so calling you now

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BABY BOY IS OFFICIALLY ON THE PLANE FUCK YES

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Oh my god my entire summer is going to be tainted with your gross couple shit

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
m o v e b a c k o u t t h e n

Bi-der-Man!!! @neigborhoodarachnid
Oop things are getting heated in Stark Tower i need popcorn

The OG Spider @mamaspider
@hahagetmyjoke get over it, you’ll get to have your girlfriend over too

slay me buffy @buffyfan01
IM SORRY HAWKEYE HAS A GF SOMEONE FEND OFF THE TABLOIDS RIGHT THIS SECOND DON’T LET THEM FUCK THIS UP

peter parker appreciation @peterparkerstan
OOP SPILL MR HAWKEYE PLEASE

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@peterparkerappreciation love your username broski

peter parker appreciation @peterparkerstan
Ofc! Trans bro solidarity. Also a fellow intern, although my place is so much less cool :(

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YAY MORE TRANS BROS. WE HAVE ENOUGH FOR A FAMILY NOW! ALSO ANY TRANS SISTERS MAY ALSO JOIN THE FAMILY. ALSO MY GENDERQUEER SIBLINGS ARE VERY WELCOME TOO ILY BBYS

Quinn @probablynothuman
Well that was officially the most wholesome tweet ever

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HARLEY HARLEY HARLEY IN THE CAR TO GET HARLEY. SPIDEY IS HERE TOO BUT I’M TOO EXCITED TO GIVE A DAMN

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
I’m way too excited to be here even if I’m just the photographer/videographer. Also, Peter is singing

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
Peter Video 512
[Peter is literally bouncing in his seat and singing to himself.
“Harley… going to see harley… so excited..”]
You’re welcome

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
HOLY FUCK MAYBE T H I S IS THE MOST WHOLESOME TWEET. @probablynothuman

Quinn @probablynothuman
IT MIGHT BE A TIE

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
MR. STAAAAAARKKKKKK

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
I would say Steve is crying but so am I

Better Bird Uncle @samwilson
That’s it I’m coming home I need Peter’s energy around me for forever

Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
Oh my god and WHY did I sit out on this, remind me?

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
You were supposed to go instead of me but you had a project, Bruce

Bruce Banner @doctornotmister
Goddamit

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Hi so we took Peter’s phone away because I’m terrified he’s going to accidentally throw it out the window again

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Yes. Again. Long story. Tony put his phone away because he’s just as excited as Peter, he just won’t admit it. Spidey’s crying (SPIDEY WHEN YOU READ THIS, YOU MAY NOT HAVE ANY OF MY LIMBS)

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
We’re here, waiting for the plane!!!

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
So i’m spending my life waiting for this meeting huh

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
I’m not mad about it, don’t get me wrong

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Plane is landing. Peter is SHAKING this is so precious

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
“He’ll like me, right, mr. stark?”
“He’s gonna love you, kiddo.”
Maybe I’m crying

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
For everyone asking about spidey, he’s being terrifyingly quiet. He’s going to jump that poor boy. It’s his version of a play-crouch that dogs do

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Also, Spidey asked me to not post any of the videos/photos we take of him/his bf, just so you know. His bf wants to stay on the downlow, and we respect that.

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Okay it’s happening people this is not a drill. Videos and photos coming

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Yes, I’m the CEO and this is the CEO account. Yes I should be professional. I don’t care because it is literally my company. So I’ll just say it: I AM FUCKING CRYING THIS IS SO WHOLESOME

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Harley and Peter Video
[the plane door opens and out steps Harley, tall, blond, and radiating southern charm.
Peter, who you can see in the periphery of the camera, squeaks.
“Holy fuck,” he says, taking one or two steps before running at his boyfriend, and they tackle each other so aggressively they almost fall, and once they’re steady, Peter wraps his legs around Harley’s waist and buries his face in his neck, shoulders shaking. He raises his head for just a second to whisper something into Harley's ear before tucking his head back down into his boyfriend's neck. Harley beams and buries his face in his Peter’s hair.
“The whole summer, huh?” Tony mumbles, and the camera swivels in time to catch his smile. The camera pans back to Peter, both feet on the ground, clinging to Harley’s hand as they walked over, his eyes a little red, but smiling bigger than ever]

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Harley and Tony Video
[Picks up a few seconds later, Peter walking towards Pepper, obviously the cameraperson, but standing right in frame so his face is visible.
Harley walks towards his favorite mechanic and Tony rolls his eyes, meeting his old protegee in the middle and grasping him in a tight hug.
“God you’ve gotten old,” Harley smirks.
“That’s it. Back on the plane. Chop chop, tennesse whiskey.” Tony says, pulling back and raising one eyebrow
“Just kidding,” Harley says, leaning very close to the camera to kiss Pepper’s cheek and then pull Peter back to him. “Missed you, old man.”
“Yeah yeah, you too, kid.” Tony pretended to be exasperated but everyone caught the sickly fond look he gave the two boys.]

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
Photos!!! attachments
[Photo 1: Clearly taken by someone else (Happy). Also obviously a really good camera. A different vantage point of the second after Peter whispered in Harley’s ear. It’s easier to Harley’s face here, and he’s smirking at whatever Peter is whispering to him. Peter’s eyes are closed, and he’s looking more sober than before]
[Photo 2: The second Harley lets Peter down, but they’re looking at each other in the most loving way, eyes locked. Peter is watching Harley like he hung the moon and stars.]
[Photo 3: Tony and Harley’s embrace, Harley stooped slightly to be level with his mentor.]
[Photo 4: Peter and Harley hugging tightly, Peter’s head rested perfectly under Harley’s chin.]
[Photo 5: Tony, Peter, and Harley are pictured together, all grinning like best friends who are in on the joke.]

Rebecca @blackertheberri
𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙢𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
He fits perfectly under my chin :’)

Tony Stark @youknowwhoiam
This is disgustingly soft

Bi-der-Man!!! @neighborhoodarachnid
MY BF IS HERE TOO I’M SO IN LOVE

Joey @broeyjoey
this was the most wholesome and emotionally draining twitter thread ever

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The OG Spider @mamaspider
Well this is tooth-rotting
attached image.253
[Peter and Harley sitting on the couch, the room only lit by the television. They obviously have no idea the camera is on them. Peter is asleep on Harley’s lap, and Harley is staring at him like he can’t tear his eyes away]

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
Steve just texted me and said that they remind him of us when we were that age (minus the tv of course). No I’m not crying of anything I just need to go find him and hug him for a minute...

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
Why the fuck is Peter living the dream life like I saw this guy 2 weeks ago at graduation and I feel like none of us ACTUALLY knew him like we thought

Deadpool @notryanreynolds
Honey you have no idea-

AJ @gameofthronesbish
Who… are you?

Deadpool @notryanreynolds
Haha no one of your concern byeeee

Fonda @fawnduhlmao
Well that was weird. Also holy fucking shit that picture is so amazing thank you Ms. Black Widow Natasha Romanov Ma’am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I just walked into the kitchen. It is literally the ass crack of dawn and Harley and Peter are making out??

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
I cannot believe I’ve just been flipped the bird by a 17 year old who I just met yesterday. But it worked. I’m going to the Waffle House down the road.

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagetmyjoke
Nevermind it was full but I’m not going back to that damn kitchen. If you see me strolling around in NYC COME SAY HI I’LL TAKE PHOTOS OR CHAT OR WHATEVER IM SO BORED

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Clint… you know there’s a kitchen upstairs right? Like… an entire second kitchen?
- sent with FRIDAY

Hawk-EYE can’t hear you @hahagaetmyjoke
It’s the principle of it all okay?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
I meant what I said. Harley and Peter are basically me and Buck when we were younger. They just walked past me and Peter was on Harley’s back and I’m getting flashbacks. @hundredyearoldman why don’t you give me piggyback rides anymore?

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
You’re the stronger one now, doll. I could try but I don’t know that it would end well

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
Humor me.

I got a rock… @charliebrown
Steve Rogers is a power bottom spread the word

Bucky Barnes @hundredyearoldman
I’m not allowed to confirm that statement or he might kill me

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
You’re not getting out of trying to give me a piggyback ride, I’m on my way.

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Disaster Supersoldier Fiances.video
[“BUCKYYY--” Steve called out, only to be met with Bucky barrelling into him, effectively cutting him off.
“You do realize I’m probably going to concuss you, right, doll? Like I’m going to fall and concuss both of us.” Bucky checked.
“It’ll fade in an hour if I’m even concussed at all,” Steve reminded him.
“God I cannot believe I’m doing this. Come on, then.”
Steve grins, and gets up onto Bucky’s back. Immediately, they both tipped over, and Bucky barely caught them. Steve started laughing so hard that he slipped down Bucky’s back himself, and Bucky shook his head fondly and laughed, staring down at Steve.
“So… try again later?” Bucky asked, smirk on his face. Steve reached up a hand and pulled Bucky down onto the floor with him.
“Sure,” Steve smiled, kissing his fiance lightly.]

Steve Rogers @cuzimincharge
So… that didn’t work

Dalia @heyyyythere
Bucky calling Steve “doll” is my new aesthetic it’s so perfect for them I cannot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
Central Park Date <3 He loves my bad jokes
Darlin in the Park
[Peter is laughing at something/someone just off camera, sitting on a blanket full of food. He doesn’t seem to notice his picture is being taken, and the photo is just a little bit blurry]

Pepper Potts @ceostarkindustries
New contact photo for Peter? I think so…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THAT’S WHY YOU TOLD THAT JOKE?!

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
I mean… yes? But also your laugh is just so much cuter in person

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FUCK I’M BLUSHING HARLEY JAMES KEENER IF YOU TAKE A PHOTO

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewaroundmyroom
Oops…?
That Blush Tho
[Peter’s hands cover half of his face, but he’s obviously laughing, brilliantly red]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
If I didn’t love you you would be dead, you know that right?

Harley the Potato Kid @apotatoflewraoundmyroom
I love you too, darlin’

Chapter Text

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Betrayal.video
[Peter walks in through the elevator, pressing some buttons on his phone. We hear a muffled voice that a lot of people have tagged as Karen, Spider-Man and Peter’s shared AI, and then Peter speaks.
“You’re a doll, Karen. This is why you’re my favorite AI.”
“Oh?” FRIDAY’s voice comes from the ceiling.
“Shit--” Peter sounds frenzied, and the video cuts off.]

You May Not Call Me MJ @scaryandiknowit
Now he’s d e a d

Karen @officiallythebestai
Even I’m scared

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Comforting, Kar

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
I’ve had my revenge. @youknowwhoiam @ceostarkindustries @hundredyearoldman @cuzimincharge @mamaspider @doctornotmister @hahagetmyjoke @neverlearnedhowtoread @godofmischeif @thor @samwilson @scarletbitxh @thorismydad @apotatoflewaroundmyroom @neighborhoodarachnid

Fuckwad Numero Uno @neighborhoodarachnid
what?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @neighborhoodarachnid
The f u c k is this?

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
I made some… adjustments to names and handles. You’re welcome, Peter

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
huh?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh fuck

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
These are my contact names...

Fuckwad Numero Uno @neighborhoodarachnid
ouch. But I’m keeping it. Let me make some changes real quick…

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Done!!

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
This name is valid i’m not even mad please tell me t’challa is in your phone as something to do with furries.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
He’s not in my phone?? But if he WAS, he would be

King T’Challa @wakandaforever
I’m hurt, but also not surprised

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I get that, Mr. King T’Challa of Wakanda, Sir. Wakanda Forever.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
What’s my name?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Oh…

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Tones is crying

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Look at that, there’s something in my eye too--

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Don’t be stupid, don’t be stupid

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Oh would you LOOK at that

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
HOLD ON WHY IS STEVE’S NAME SO ACCURATE

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Bucky’s crying he saw his name @tonystark @drbrucebanner can he join your crying

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
What, your name doesn’t bring a tear to your eye?

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Funnily enough, no.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
He can join we’re in the lab

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
NAME REVEALLL

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
I fucking love that kid we’re making a new Stark Industries account because I’m not changing this

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Should I be scared or excited?

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Definitely excited @beterbarker where are you i’m omw to hug you

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
You guys know you can just go to your profile and check your name… right? Also thank you, Питер very cute

Chad (endearing) @thor
What does mine mean?

Stabby Fren @godofmischeif
1. Peter, both of our names are very accurate, thank you
2. I explained it to him

Chad (endearing) @thor
THANK YOU YOUNG FRIEND

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
I could check my profile but finding out this way is more fun

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Catch me running home from study group to kiss my boyfriend because he is too pure

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
MINE IS SO CUTE WTFFFFF

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
It’s better than Clint’s for sure. Thanks, kid

Robo-Bro @visionisthorsson
Much love to you @beterbarker

Nedward Leeds @justaguyinachair
How many avengers are crying right now?

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
All of them. Peter can’t type because they all just tackled him into a group hug. He’s minorly concussed but “not mad about it”

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Yes. Even i hugged the loser. It’s cute that he even put effort into my name.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
I’m so mad I’m not there for this

Chad (endearing) @thor
We’re on our way to the compound, shall we pick you up?

genius (derogatory) shuri19
YESSSS

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
That didn’t go how I planned but here have the photos Fam-Vengers Album Photos 12478-12481
[photo 1: Peter’s head is poking out the top of a massive group hug
photo 2: Harley is legitimately dipping Peter into a kiss
photo 3: Tony, Bruce, and Bucky are crowding Peter, who’s clinging to Tony but has an arm reached back to wrap around Bucky and Bruce]

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Steve: says a curse word in public
Everyone around: recoils in horror
The Avengers: *yawn*

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I feel like my previous tweet was a sign to myself because this just happened

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bucky: *lost*
Steve: LANGUAGE
Bucky: BACK THE FUCK UP MISTER BROOKLYN BACKALLEY FIGHTER. DON’T ACT LIKE FUCK ISN’T BASICALLY YOUR MIDDLE NAME
Steve: Guys, I found Bucky!!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No I literally do not think you guys are realizing that I just witnessed this with my own two seeing spheres.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
EYES--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THEY’RE CALLED EYES

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Steve Storytime? Oh man do I have a story for you guys

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Before I came to the tower, aka well before Peter or even Spidey, Steve had a swear jar. Not for him. For the others

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
He reportedly carried around a jar (only in the tower) and anytime someone swore in front of him, they owed him a dollar

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
The REALLY nasty ones (use your imaginations) were $2

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
This went on for a few years, and when I… got back, I started to notice it. SURELY, though, it wasn’t my Stevie holding other people accountable for their swear words.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
And then, I noticed that Steve NEVER swore in front of the team. SO, I took him aside and asked him what the fuck was going on because he has one of the filthiest mouths the world has ever graced a man with.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
THIS MAN

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
MY FUCKING FIANCE--

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Says to me, with the most innocent, guiltless expression:

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
“They made their assumptions, Buck. I think those assumptions should help pay for a new bike, don’t you?”

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Keep in mind, I’d just come back from being mind controlled for the past 70 years or so, and so we weren’t TECHNICALLY “back together” yet, I needed a little bit of space to figure myself out.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
But damn me if I didn’t want to kiss that man when he said that. I’d forgotten how devious he was--

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
ON THAT NOTE, STEVE ROGERS AND THOR GO OUT AND COMMIT PETTY CRIMES WHEN THOR IS ON-PLANET.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
OKAY SOMETIMES I GO TOO

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
BUT LIKE-- WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?! A R R E S T U S

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
PLEASE ACTUALLY I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THEM HANDCUFF THOR. OR TRY TO

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
STEVE HAS BEEN HANDCUFFED 7 TIMES IN 5 MINUTES BECAUSE HE KEPT BREAKING THE HANDCUFFS AND THEY JUST GAVE UP AND LEFT

Turtle of Justice @stevergoers
Could we… not?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay okay but if the theme is chaotic Steve Rogers--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@tonystark CAN I P L E A S E TALK ABOUT THE PSA THING

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
@pepperpotts???

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Honestly I don’t think I could stop you but I’m also not gonna try because there’s really no harm

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YAYYYYY ILY AUNT PEP

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ALRIGHTY HERE GOES--

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I am literally begging you to stop

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I love you, steve. but no

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So has anyone noticed that in the Captain America PSAs, he never really… moves his mouth and when he does it’s like a little off??? Like it doesn’t really look like him???

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well I got home from detention one day and Steve sat down and I genuinely thought he was going to give me a talking-to (I had just come to live in the tower, we weren’t close) so I said “so you got detention”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And a lot happened at once. 1. He had no idea what I was talking about. 2. My wonderful scary friend, MJ, totally snorted soda out of her nose 3. Tony yelled from down the hall “YOU SCREWED UP!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG!!!”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
But… Cap didn’t remember MAKING any PSAs… because he didn’t

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So of course I show them all the PSAs. For science. We make a movie night out of it. Sam even comes home for this one. By the end of it, Bucky is crying with laughter, Steve is embarrassed as shit that they used him for this, and Pepper is calling All the Lawyers

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So we get into contact with the creators, and turns out, they got real creative. Because they reached out to Steve originally, when he first came out of the ice. But he turned them down flat.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So they used some of his promotional posters, a really accurate voice actor, and some guy named Timothy in SFX makeup to make these things. And eventually Steve gave up and told Pep to pull back because he didn’t care enough to drag this out for a year.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SO, @ all the students from Midtown High @nottheflash @dammitmoonmoon @itssallyyyy @justaguyinachair @scaryandiknowit @charliebrown @notlincoln, guess what?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CAPTAIN AMERICA NEVER WAS DISAPPOINTED IN US

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THAT TIME THAT HE CAME UP TO ME? THE TIME THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE ORDEAL?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME “FUCK THE SYSTEM”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CAPTAIN AMERICA LOVES YOU ALL

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
I’m convinced none of us actually know peter parker

The Sally @itssallyyy
I’ve never met him before in my life I can pretty much guarantee it now. That was a robot with his face

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh god things are going to get real weird in August

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
What?

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
PETER. SHUT UP

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SCREAM SHES COMING FOR ME

I got a rock… @charliebrown
PETER BENJAMIN PARKER SPILL

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I wish I could spill because I love you all but I literally can’t.

---------
Losers and MJ (nedward, mj, beter)
Nedward: sooooo?
Beter: spidey unmasking. August 17th, mark your calendars
MJ: shit, really?
Beter: yeah, it’s time. I mean I could do it now, but we have a lot of other things in the work
Nedward: SUCH AS???????
Beter: It’s all Big and Scary and I Cannot Tell You YET
MJ: ned, shut up he’ll tell us when he can. We’re talking tony stark and pepper potts
Nedward: sigh
----------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Steve Rogers Is An Idiot Send Tweet

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Uncle Steve Is An Idiot Send Tweet

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Cap is secretly a dumbass pt. 73 - i wish i could put shit like this on youtube but alas, the family account is the rule
Part 73.video
[a (obviously hidden) camera shows Steve mixing something in a bowl, tipping his head back to yawn.
“Steve…?” Peter asks.
“Hm?” Steve asks, not looking up from the bowl.
“Are you actually… awake? You just got home from a mission? Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Eh. Wanted some cookies first.” Steve grumbled, spooning the batter onto a plate, of all things.
“Ahhh…” Peter says, sneaking a glance at the camera, biting his fist.
He doesn’t even try to stop the super-soldier as he sticks it in the microwave for 9 minutes and walks away.
-- Time Lapse: just the microwave spinning and Steve and Peter at the counter, waiting--
Steve and Peter are still sitting at the counter, and Steve appears to be dozing on the counter, and Peter is on his phone when suddenly, the microwave catches on fire.
“Uh… Steve?!” Peter asks.”STEVE!!!”
No movement from the Captain.
“Hey, uh… Bucky?” Peter calls down the hall.
“What’s up, kiddo?”
“Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?”
“I really don’t like the sound of that. But we have one in the far left bottom cabinet,” Bucky answered. Peter dove for the cabinet immediately, nearly tearing off the door in his attempts to wrench it open.
Once he grabbed the extinguisher, he aimed it at the flames, which were covering part of the counter now, too, and squeezed the trigger.
The flames started going out, and from down the hall, Bucky shouted.
“I DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED TO FUCKING USE IT PETER!”
“WHAT, DID I JUST ASK FOR IT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES?!”
“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!”
“WE CAN WORRY ABOUT TEACHING YOU MORE SAYING LATER. ALSO, THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FAULT, YOUR FIANCE TRIED TO MAKE COOKIES IN THE MICROWAVE.”
“HE WHAT?!”
“AND HE’S FUCKING SLEEPING THROUGH THIS, CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH.”
“OH CHRIST-- HOLD ON,” Bucky said, finally finding his legs useful and scrambling down the hall.
By now, Peter has the fire out, and is just watching Steve with the most incredulous look on his face. Bucky stops in the doorway and observes the scene. His fiance, asleep at the counter, Peter with soot on his face, half of the kitchen covered in fire extinguisher foam and blackened with soot. And suddenly, both of them start laughing. Peter is on the floor in seconds, laughing so hard he’s crying, and Bucky is gripping the door frame, howling.
In the midst of all of this, Steve sits up, bleary-eyed.
“Hey, are the cookies-- what the fuck?!”
Bucky and Peter just laugh harder.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OH SHIT WRONG ACCOUNT WRONG ACCOUNT WHY DOES THIS ALREADY HAVE 10K LIKES

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Okay but if I may make a request of you, Питер, darling?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
?

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Post the video with Sam and the fire extinguisher

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
NOOOO I DON’T HAVE IT @fridaytheai

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Fire Security Incident.video
[A 15 second clip where there’s a fire in the training room. The cause of the fire is not shown, but it’s expected that a machine blew a mechanism. Only Sam and Steve are in the room.
“God fucking damn it-- SAM WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!!” Steve yells over his shoulder.
“I’ve got it!!!” Sam yells, racing back into the room. However, he wasn’t prepared for the kickback the extinguisher gave, so the metal canister flew back and slammed Steve square in the head.
“FUCK--” Steve said loudly as the video cut off.]

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
Hearing Captain America swear is the most mind-boggling thing. But it also simultaneously feels like this was the best thing I have ever wtinesses

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Thank youuuu

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
That is my favorite video in the world

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Of course, FRI always knows just what footage to show us to make us laugh, and you had better believe being sent that while I was down in the lab with Pete made my entire year.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Bucky and I were working in the kitchen when the video popped up on the tv. Bucky, who at this point is known for laughing until he cries, does just that, and I don’t think i’ve laughed that hard in years.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I had a purple bruise on my head for HOURS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well, it’s days for most people, Mr. Shmaptain Shmerica, sir.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH ITS PRIDE MONTH, FUCKERS

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
ITS PRIDE MONTH, HETEROS FUCK OFF (ily guys im kidding)

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Who’s gonna be at NYC Pride next week? I won’t be for long, I really want to go as myself, but I’ll be there for a bit in uniform! Come find me!

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
We’re all going to be there! Seriously, come say hi!

tyler @tylerssock
Oh shit who’s making the “find the avengers at pride” bingo card

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
In the spirit of pride month: who wants Gay History ft. Steve Rogers?

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
I think I speak for all of Twitter when I say: ME

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Alright, young ones, gather round to hear the story of Steve Rogers punching assholes who harassed a trans girl.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Stevie was always a scrappy thing before the serum, of course, but he was always getting into fights. One night we were walking home from dinner, we were… maybe 17? And we heard a scuffle and a scream. My instinct was to investigate before running into it.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
But Steve? Nah. He flew around the corner, and I of course, like a good bodyguard, followed him. Around the corner is a group of guys harassing a trans girl, Monica, a friend of ours. Lots of slurs are being thrown around. Steve, to his credit, did get in 3 fantastic punches on one guy’s face before the other two took him down and I had to jump in.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Monica was okay, and while I can’t say I know where she ended up, I was glad to have helped her that time.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
But yeah. STEVEN ROGERS: BI-TRANS ICON. HE PUNCHES TRANSPHOBES SO WATCH THE FUCK OUT.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I have the coolest fucking uncle ever. @steverogers totally would have thrown the first brick at Stonewall if he hadn’t been… y’know, frozen.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Actually, there were several queer activists before the War, but they were silenced by the Nazis. Maybe I threw a few stones… maybe I didn’t. Also, you guys have no idea how happy I was when I finally got the time to catch up on LGBTQ+ rights and I found out the pink triangle had been reclaimed? There were too many good men who were lost to history because of that triangle.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
So when Bucky heard about the triangle having been reclaimed as a symbol of power, we both wanted to get tattoos of it, but the serum rejects any permanent damage, and that includes tattoos. That was a fun afternoon.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Stark Industries R&D labs are working on super-serum resistant tattoo ink in their off time, actually. We have some really dedicated, insanely interested workers, including myself who want to give any super-soldiers the ability to have tattoos just like anyone else.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
It’s honestly fun. Peter even joins in with Harley when they’re not… preoccupied.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
MR. STARK

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
TONY FUCKING STARK

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Tones. Tasteful tweeting? The lecture with Pepper? Do not make me sit through another one of those with you.

Uncle Robo-Bird samwilson
Stark, you got the kid good.
look.at.that.blush.video
Peter is looking at his phone, oblivious to the snickering from behind the camera. He sees the tweet, shown by the camera zooming on his phone, where it’s barely visible due to the brightness. Sam, the assumed cameraman, zooms out to catch Peter’s instant turn from his usual pale to tomato red.
“HARLEY, LOOK AT FUCKING TWITTER,” he yells down the hall, hiding his face in his hands. There’s a pause down the hall, some shuffling is heard.
“Oh, you have to be joking,” Harley groans.

Gemini Bish @medusaaahhh
oh so he goes RED red huh

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Spider-Man red, yeah.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
I will take your twitter privileges.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
ANYWAY--

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
All of this to say that a) queer activism goes back a lot longer than you probably think. b) Steve WILL punch homophobes and transphobes, we’ve seen it happen. c) R&D is doing a fantastic job looking for a serum-resistant solution for tattoos.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
So I’ve done a LOT of catching up with the world in the past year. One of my favorite things I’ve learned about are they/them pronouns, I think that it’s amazing that gender non-conforming people have a comfortable set of pronouns available to them!

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Would you ever consider they/them pronouns?

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I wouldn’t NOT consider them? If that answers your question

genius (derogatory) shuri19
So, would that make you non-binary?

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Uhhhh…

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Hi!!! Bucky’s gonna take a short break from Twitter, he’s got some stuff to think about.

----------
Fiance -> genius (derogatory)
Fiance: I can see the bubbles that you’re typing
Fiance: you did not break the already-broken man (man? person?)
genius (derogatory): Are you sure?
Fiance: education can be daunting, and I honestly just don’t think he’d connected to the dots.
Fiance: I was literally sitting in the next room, I h e a r d him read the tweet. He gasped and said ‘oh fuck’
genius (derogatory): is that good?
Fiance: I assume it was more eye-opening than good or bad? All i know is he called Steve. I’m attempting to tune them out. Might patrol to give them the privacy
Fiance: but this is good, S.
genius (derogatory): promise?
Fiance: promise
-----------

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
So

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
he/they pronouns, please?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
INCOMING HUG IM COMING THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
wholesome spidey pt.1542
photo of Spidey, mask on, uniform already dissolved, hugging Bucky, who’s hugging back just as tightly

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
@shuri19 no, you didn’t break me. Idk what that means but the kid told me to

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Okay, wow. Lots of tweets, lots of questions. Here are a few answers

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Yes. I’m non-binary. Did a few hours of research, my therapist was a big help, I’m very thankful she could squeeze me in. As always, Steve was a big help, too.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I’m obviously not… the most feminine person (have you noticed?), so like… keeping with the more masc/neutral terms is my comfort zone.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Peter is tweeting for me btw… i can’t type with the metal arm and this is a lot to do with one hand so I feel the need to say I’m sorry for however he’s wording this because I know it’s not word-for-word

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I don’t mind the kid calling me Uncle, there really aren't any terms that fit me that are neutral anyway? ‘Sir’ and ‘Mr’ are both okay, too. I’ll admit I don’t HATE being called pretty should the occasion arise. But really, in reference to me, not much should have to change. The pronouns, of course, but that’s really it. I like being masculine, I don’t plan on changing that.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
But the pronouns are a big deal for me, I realized. Respect them, thanks.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Okay, I’m done for the day. Goodbye twitter

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
(bye, Bucky’s twitter. This is the kid, btw :))

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I. Punch. Transphobes. Not limited to but including people who are transphobic towards my family. Have a nice day.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
One of us one of us one of us

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Welcome to the club, @buckybarnes

Chapter Text

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
I know I’m not on Twitter much, but I have to say: I prefer you guys to the people on Instagram

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Instagrammers are t h i r s t y

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Anyway, that to say: my girlfriend and I have finally decided to make our relationship public.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
I would be happy staying quiet, but she wanted to, and I didn’t have a valid argument against it so… here we are.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
But we came to a compromise. We’re not giving it to you guys THAT easily. 2.5 million likes/retweets (whatever touches 2.5 first) and I’ll tag her.

17 hours later…

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
How??? Okay…
[screenshot of previous tweet with 4 million likes and 2.5 million retweets]

clever username @hyperfixation_station
WE DID IT TWITTER. FINAL BETS IN NOW

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
I feel it in my soul, Natasha and Pepper are dating

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
I don’t know… I feel like it’s outside of the avengers/shield

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Image.896
[Natasha and Maria Hill sit side-by-side, and Maria is kissing Natasha’s cheek while Natasha smirks at the camera]

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
@mariahill

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
I have officially blown up on twitter. 200k new followers in 10 minutes

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Darling… what’s your name?

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
The people deserved to know.

larn @timetravellerlarn
Alright, who had BlackHill?

Quinn @probablynothuman
I think I saw @gay4jennymccarthy tweet smth about BlackHill

Frick Ellen DeGeneres @gay4jennymccarthy
I DID!!! Thanks @probablynothuman

Quinn @probablynothuman
Anytime! I said Pepper/Natasha, but honestly I love Maria/Natasha, they look really happy, even in just that one photo.

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
attachments
[image: Natasha and Maria in the common area of Stark Tower, Natasha not paying attention to the camera, being busy working Maria’s hair into two braids. Maria, however, notices the camera and is smiling slightly]
[video: FRIDAY security footage. Natasha is returning from a mission and Maria is waiting by the elevator, bouncing on her toes.
“Director Hill, Agent Romanov is on her way down,” FRIDAY says.
A second later, the door opens, and Natasha springs out and onto her girlfriend like the spider she is, and kisses her on the head over and over.
“No more 3-week missions,” Nat sighs.
“Agreed!” Peter shouts from where the camera can’t see him, but it’s obviously his voice. Nat throws a laugh in his direction and goes back to hugging Maria]
[image: Maria sitting on Nat’s shoulders in front of the Eiffel Tower]
[image: a New Year’s Party from the previous year, a slightly blurry photo of Maria and Natasha kissing against a wall as confetti rains down]
[image: photo taken by Maria, Natasha beaming at the camera]

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
The last photo is my wallpaper ;)

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
I hate you…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Haha they’re kissing in the common room--

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Nat and Maria sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-gh,jrjd,.se2./ufja

Sokovia Sis scarletwitch
Oh my fucking god he fucking dead--

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
I like you…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I lived bitch

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
you won’t next time…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
In the spirit of publicizing relationships…

tequila<3 @9shots
YOU KNOW THE DRILL, ALL FINAL BETS

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
@zeldahannigan hi, honey

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
Hellooooo twitter! (and hi Clint)

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
I’m Zelda, which you may have gathered! They/them and she/her pronouns, but I prefer they/them! I’m 32, and I’m a freelance journalist. Clint and I met when he was so kind as to give me an interview after the Battle of Sokovia, but we didn’t start dating until MUCH later. Our one-year anniversary is in a month, actually

gracie @balletisasport
@zeldahannigan Natasha Romanov called you Clint’s girlfriend just a few weeks ago, though? Is your pronoun change new, or is that just what you prefer?

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
I’ve gone by they/them pronouns for around 10 years now, actually! Nat was okay in calling me Clint’s girlfriend, Clint alternates between calling me his girlfriend and his partner anyway.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ZELDAAAAAAAAAA YESSSSSS

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
My little queer bro! I’ll be back soon and then you are spilling EVERYTHING-- I haven’t seen you since Harley came in

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
OH MY GOD I GET TO MEET HARLEY

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
yessss i cannot wait to meet you!

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Why don’t you get this excited about me???

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Because I basically live with you at this point, and although I do love you, Zelda has that extra trans-fam bond. But I’ll make you cookies even tho your partner is cooler than you <3

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
this kid is too good for the world

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
You’re telling me--

Chad (endearing) @thor
I, too, love StarkSon.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You know i’m not Mr. Stark’s son, right, Thor?

Chad (endearing) @thor
I know, but I was calling you StarkSon for too long before someone corrected me, so you’re StarkSon or Peter, but usually StarkSon. My brother says this is because I’m annoying.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You are but we love you anyway, Point Break

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I get that reference now. Finally.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

rosewater @riverrose
Alright, ladies, gents and non-binary friends! Let’s do a pride month tally! Gay-vengers. Go!

Larry Stan 1 @larryisrealbitch
The Bi-Trans Trio: Steve Rogers, Peter Parker (who’s an honorary Avenger at this point), and Spider-Man

Frittata @bibblesslut
Pepper Potts, Maria Hill, Natasha Romanov, our queer queens

ken jeong is daddy @drchowwwww
Tony Stark and Bruce Banner, both ace, Bruce is pan-ro and Tony is grey-ro. Also Clint who… might be aro? But I don’t even think he would WANT us to count him.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
You’re right, please don’t include me! I’m not aro after all, just plain old straight and cis! But also, DON’T FORGET @samwilson BECAUSE HE JUST CAME OUT AS BI AND GOT NO ATTENTION FOR IT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WAIT WHEN DID HE COME OUT I’VE BEEN TAKING RANDOM TWITTER BREAKS

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
A few days ago. When you didn’t respond I figured I’d tell you when I got back tomorrow

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
COOL!!! MORE BI FAM. @steverogers @biderman @mariahill THERE ARE MORE OF USSSSSS

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
I think at this point it’s easier to list the non-queers. Clint, Wanda, Vision, Ant-Man (Scott Lang), and 3/5 of the guardians, undisclosed as to which.

oui oui lafayette @revolutionarylancelot
Petition for the Avengers to have a pride float?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Who says we don’t?

oui oui lafayette @revolutionarylancelot
SJDJSKJSFKJKSDJ wait fr?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
perhaps...

Chapter Text

Yolanda @thickthighssavelives
Hold up we were tallying up the gay avengers and no one brought up King T’Challa? Y’know, the fucking Black Panther?! Does anyone have an answer? To be queer or to not be queer?

King T’Challa @wakandaforever
I’m not… not interested in men. I am just in a committed relationship with @nakiathegreat and have never seen a need to mention it. However, to answer your question: to be queer. Happy Pride Month, everyone.

Yolanda @thickthighssavelives
Did… did the Black Panther just reply to my tweet?

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Yuppp

Yolanda @thickthighssavelives
I’m going to d i e

~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
PRIDE PARADE DAY PRIDE PARADE DAY PRIDE PARADE DAY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And they say I’M the hyper one in this relationship

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
You are, I’m just uncharacteristically excited about something

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
PRIDE DAY PRIDE DAY

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
@beterbarker I need coffee to deal with them this early. You want anything?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Can’t do coffee, but tea. Something decently strong, pls. You’re the best. I’ll make sure Bucky doesn’t accidentally faceplant while you’re gone.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Thanks, kid.

tinkerbell @fairycore
In the spirit of the gayest day of the year, @steverogers @buckybarnes, what’s the plan for the wedding?

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
A small ceremony, probably in January. We do want to record/livestream it for you guys, though. Past that, we have some ideas, but nothing concrete. What we’re wearing is super up in the air. Buck and I are working on discovering our style right now, something you’ll get to see later today. Clothes just used to be so… monotonous. Now they can be fun, and Bucky is losing his mind. I can’t say I’m not interested either.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
They both tried on dresses and skirts last week and I wasn’t allowed to take pictures but I think eyes were opened…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Eyes were definitely opened. I now own 3 skirts.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
They weren’t my thing. I like my jeans just fine. But I 100% understand the appeal

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
I’m sorry and I wasn’t home for this fashion show becauseeeee…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
… you’re an asshole?

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Fighting words, Barnes. I’m only 2 floors above you, I could fight you

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Two words, idiot: metal. arm.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Okay, @samwilson @buckybarnes stop bickering and go get ready for the parade.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
@beterbarker if you drink coffee I will end you. @steverogers if you GIVE HIM coffee I will end you.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
ALL AVENGERS: GET. THE FUCK. DRESSED. SHOWER, DO MAKEUP, HAIR, WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE. MOVE YOUR ASSES. WE WILL ALL MEET UP IN THE DESIGNATED PLACE AT NOON.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I guess you could say… we will ASSEMBLE

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I’ll knock you out.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You’re mad because I thought of it first.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Perhaps.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Ass is moving, Pep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I’ll be patrolling for a while after the actual parade, come find me!!

snape deserved better @afterallthistime
Does this mean you wont be on the avengers float?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I already made a commitment as my civilian self before I was invited to be on the Avengers’ float. So I’m actually IN the parade, but Spider-Man isn’t

Darkling is Daddi @darklinaforeva
I-Spy, Spider-Man Civilian edition!

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Good luck, but PLEASE don’t accost/assault anyone that you think might be me. Keep the assumptions to Twitter!

~~~~~~~~~~

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
DID I JUST SEE CAPTAIN AMERICA AND HIS FIANCE IN CROP TOPS

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
I FUCKING D I D HOLD ON

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
attachment
[Steve and Bucky standing with someone, assumed to be @unfortunatelysherlocked. Steve is wearing a plain blue crop top, Bucky’s is black with rainbow skeleton hands on it, the skeleton hands are holding up peace signs]

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
SHUT UP THAT IS ICONIC I’M ACTIVELY SEARCHING FOR ANY/ALL AVENGERS TODAY.

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
On the float on the float

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re movinggggg

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
I SEE THEM

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
Avengers Float!!! attachments
[image: all of the Avengers on a rainbow float, all of their emblems set up around the float.]
[image: a slightly blurry shot of Peter and Tony waving at the crowd. Natasha’s arm is also in the frame.]
[video: there’s music blasting, and people are cheering and clapping, and the Avengers’ float is rolling by. Peter is running around the circumference of the float, waving and throwing glitter and confetti at his friends. Tony and Bruce are sticking to one spot by the railing, waving. Clint, who’s on the float wearing a shirt that says ‘BEST ALLY EVER’, is tossing out rubber bracelets with Sam. Steve and Bucky are sitting at the front edge, beaming at everyone who’s calling their names. Everyone else is spread out, waving and throwing things, looking thrilled. Even Wanda and Vision found their way back to New York from West View for the occasion(A/N: Wanda and Vision still live in West View, Billy and Tommy are alive and well, a year old, and at home with Agnes, their totally normal next door neighbor), and they’re walking beside the float with Loki and Maria.]

nicolai @niconiconico
The Avengers: heroes in and out of uniform.

Britt @timelinegodabandoned
Fun fact: I’m an intern @ Stark Industries, and I know for a fact that if anyone, ESPECIALLY Tony, Bruce, or god forbid Peter or Pepper, catch a whiff of any homophobia/transphobia/racism, whoever the offender is is immediately fired and blacklisted from the company and all related companies. We’ve finally got good people in high places

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Trust me when I say they’re the best kind of people.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Get off your phone @harleythepotatokid

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
Mr. Stark says you both should get off of your phones

I <3 Spidey @spiderstan
I’m so depressed Spidey isn’t on the float, but honestly? This is so good, I can’t stay mad.

------------
Peter->My Boy <3, Badass Queen, Best Dad in the Universe
Peter: [screenshot of ‘I <3 Spidey’’s tweet] ummm… heh..
My Boy <3: I know, I saw you snort
Badass Queen: A U G U S T, PETER. NOT A SYLLABLE ON TWITTER
Best Dad in the Universe: haha you got told
Peter: I have glitter
Best Dad in the Universe: fuck
-----------

morgana @peterparkertrash
Tony Stark just got a large cup of glitter dumped on his head--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And he DESERVED it

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I’M HERE BITCHES

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Holy fucking shit holy fucking shit. PS - he gives great hugs - attachment
[image: a person, assumed to be @booksandspite, is standing with the entire group from the float, excluding Peter and Harley, but including Spider-Man. The person is beaming ear to ear, and the rest of the group is smiling, too]
[image: Spider-Man holding @booksandspite in his arms, kind of a princess-carry.]
[image: @booksandspite and Spider-Man hugging]

jodi lynn @witchling034
HOW--

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
I caught them all a few minutes after the parade ended! I’m bummed I missed Peter/Harley, but apparently they were, in the words of Tony Stark: “*cough*preoccupied*cough*”

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Their lack of self-defense kind of proves my point…

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
The dual Look Bruce and Pepper are giving Tony right now is making this so much more amusing

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
attachment
[image: Pepper and Bruce giving Tony the Look. Pepper is doing it better, she had years of practice, but Bruce looks as though he’s had some experience with it.]

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Buck and I were just gifted the best shirts EVER. Thanks to Harrison and Louis! (Harrison is wearing the shirt I got and Louis is wearing the one that Bucky got)
attachment
[image: Steve and Bucky standing in-between two people. Steve is next to someone who may as well be the definition of ‘tall, dark, and handsome’, wearing a muscle tank top that imitates the captain america suit but there are top surgery scars in the trans colors on the chest. Bucky is next to a tall person who looks like Steve with a bigger nose and less muscle, who’s wearing the same style shirt with the winter soldier emblem on the front of the shirt, but the star is the non-binary flag colors]

Harrison Thompsons @yupimtheonefromthephoto
Okay, so Lou and I have both gotten SO many requests so a) sell these and b) do more heroes. Keep checking back here, I’ll keep you guys updated, those of you who requested/care

(A/N: pause. I just realized after writing this and going back over it that Harrison and Louis = Harry + Louis/Lou and the 12-year-old Larry Stylinson stan in me is screaming. Okay, back to twitter)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Okay so this is the gayest day ever and I hate to dump on it with my hetero-ness. BUT, Clint just found out something and I want to tell people before he opens his mouth or turns on his phone.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I’m pregnant again--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HOLY FUCK! I deadass went to lunch with Harls, the things I miss--

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Congratulations, Wanda and Vision!

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Thanks, Bruce <3

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
One more straight thing and then I will dump rainbow glitter on myself to make up for the straight vibes I have put on twitter: If I have twins again, things are going to get real interesting. No more twins. I will riot.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
She did it. She actually did it. attachment
[video: Wanda dumping rainbow glitter on her head, tossing the plastic cup aside and shaking her head, raining glitter]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
GOODBYE NYC PRIDE!!! IT WAS SO FUN MEETING YOU GUYS, ILY ALL, BUT I’M OUT OF UNIFORM AGAIN!!

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Oh shit did I just see Peter and Harley making out by the churro cart hahaaaaa hey Pete

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
stalker!!! Total moodkiller, [redacted]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also yes, we all type out [redacted] to be extra, because he knows exactly who we mean and you guys don’t and that makes it so much funnier.

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
HAHAAAAAAAAAAA VICTORY - attachment
[image: @booksandspite in a selfie, smiling with Peter and Harley]

clever username @hyperfixation_station
Bro you got the whole set-- even Loki.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I think I speak for all of the Avengers & co. when I say that we had an incredible time at NYC Pride! I know it was a first for a lot of us, and it was an incredible experience!

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
The world has come a long way, but it also has a long way to go, that’s for sure. It’s incredible to see how much work goes into something like this, and I know things can only get better from here.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I think I speak for the whole fam when I see I’m exhausted and calling it an early night, so you’ll forgive us if we just disappear for a while. Thank you all for a wonderful day <3

Chapter Text

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
OKAY WHO THE FUCK COVERED THE FLOOR IN PEPPERMINT

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
IM GONNA THROW UP THIS IS THE WORST TIMELINE

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
:))))))))

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
oh --

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Clearly the little birdie has a death wish

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck not again

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
STARK LET ME INTO THE LAB PLEASEEEEE @tonystark

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
The birdie is running.. I hear it…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Oh for fuck’s sake. Clint, come on in. Spidey, vents. Now.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Father wants spidey to retreat to his nest

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
No limbs for me…

A Few Minutes Later

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I’m so sorry, Spidey. I won’t do it again please don’t dismember me

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I won’t… for today. Never again, birdie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Okay… so it’s been MONTHS since the first time I ever mentioned it, but people still tag me asking why the Inner-Spider threatens people with dismemberment

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
It’s because spiders can regrow limbs. (fun fact if you didn’t know!!!) and since I’m part spider and part human, I sorta register humans as my own kind, if that makes sense?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Therefore, humans = spiders, and therefore receive spider-threats

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Okay but that doesn’t excuse you from trying to steal Bucky’s metal arm when he pisses you off

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
YEAH WHAT HE SAID

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Damn

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Also, it is only today that I realized how creepy Spidey really is. And it’s not even because of this thread.

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
You can’t just say that and NOT expect us to want a storytime. (also for the sake of comedy, usually i’ll add in “sir” or “ma’am” or some nb people use “Sai”??? What do you prefer?)

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
(Sir is fine, Ma’am is much more feminine than I like, and even though I’ve never heard of Sai being used, it feels like a name more than anything. Sir is totally cool, but honorific-wise, Mr or Mx is okay)

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Anyway, we had a meeting today, just the team, no one who didn’t know who Spidey really is. And Spidey is sitting on the ceiling the whole time in civvies, which really doesn’t have anything to do with this, it was just off-putting

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
But the whole time he’s on the ceiling, staring Clint down like predator and prey

Deadpool @notryanreynolds
By the way, this is the day after the peppermint incident

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Whenever Clint moves, Spidey twitches a little, moving with him. It got creepy.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I started recording near the end of the meeting, just in case, and well…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Long story short… - attachment
[Clint gets up, and Spidey (face blurred out thanks to FRIDAY) pounces on him, hissing.
Clint shrieks like a child, and starts trying to shake the Spiderling off of him, to no avail.
It takes Steve and Tony to pry Spidey off, and when they do, he hops up and into the vents, leaving a traumatized-looking Cling behind]

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Payback :)

~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Oh my god… I’m literally the guardian of spider. Spider-Man…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
2 A.M. It is literally 2 A.M. What are you talking about

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
The spiders. They speak to me. They love me. They told me I’m their guardian spider.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Bedtime. I’m coming in to make sure you actually sleep.

ronan @rosswasright
Iron-Dad :)

LATER THAT DAY…

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
New friends!!! - attachment
[Spidey, mask on. But his clothes aren’t seen because he’s covered in spiders from the neck down]

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
no

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Yes.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Kid. No.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
>>:(

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Fine. I’m taking my children and leaving and we’ll make a new home far away from you cynics.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
… kid what are you doing in central park?

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
BURROW

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
[redacted], honey. Please no.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
attachment
[image of a very tired tony staring at the screen. They are clearly in a car]

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
attachment
[image of a giant flap of grass, dirt and webs being lifted enough to see Spidey's lenses glaring at him]

30 MINUTES LATER

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I GET TO KEEP MY FRIENDS IN MY VENT!!!!

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Okay, I will definitely not go there. Not again. (As if I was planning on going up there anyway)

~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
EW I GOT PAIRED WITH PETER TODAY IN THE LAB BECAUSE HARLEY AND TONY ARE WORKING ON THEIR OWN PROJECT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
aaand i get to work with THIS dickwad the entire time. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time <3

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
How fucking dare you, you decomposing slug

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Go to hell, you hornet

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
YOU’RE A DISGUSTING FUCKING MOSQUITO, HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THOSE ASSHOLES

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
🖕

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I COULD WRAP YOU IN A COCOON AND DRINK YOUR INSIDES LIKE A SMOOTHIE, YOU OVERGROWN FRUIT FLY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@tonystark Mr. Stark… i did a bad thing…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Goddammit why do i try. Peter. Lab. Now.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
MR STARK HES COMINGFKFJDF

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
[redacted][redacted][redacted] GET OFF OF THE INTERN RIGHT NOW AND GO TO YOUR VENT

~~~~~~~~~~

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Spidey just hissed at me… I could have sworn he had actual fangs but no, just your everyday sharp incisors.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
So that was a totally terrifying moment

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
No. Those were fangs. They only come out when his instincts go into serious overdrive

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Which leads to: @clintbarton what did you do

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I resent that question

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
But I stole his crickets… in my defense, though!!! He never does that when he’s hunting me

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Nah, most of his hunting you is just him messing around. Like you know your life isn’t in REAL danger until the fangs come out and then you need to like… vacate and tell FRI ‘initiate spider-bite protocol’. Should I be telling you this over text? Probably. But this whole account existing is already a PR nightmare…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the kid has remarkable control over the worst of his instincts.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Sorry, Bruce. And Clint, be lucky I got myself under control so quickly…

-----------
Caw Caw Motherfuckers -> Scary Spider Child
Caw Caw Motherfuckers: pete. For real, i’m sorry. I didn’t think it would bother you so much
Scary Spider Child: don’t worry about it too much. I’ve been a little stressed. But also i dont always know what’s going to get me, so more than anything, be careful? Bc as annoying as you are, i do love you and dont want to actually rip you limb from limb
Caw Caw Motherfuckers: that was oddly comforting. I love you too kiddo. We’ll be more careful about things from now on. You stop scaring the shit out of me in the vents and I’ll just… refrain from touching your food forever.
Scary Spider Child: deal
----------

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Hey, Twitter. Stop blowing up my phone. We’re good. He’s my uncle, I actually do love him. Proof: This just happened - attachment
[image: Clint hugging Spidey, who isn’t in uniform, just a red hoodie pulled over his head]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
This kid is going to give me a heart attack

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
How do you do it @tonystark

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I resigned myself to my fate that he’s going to be the death of me a long time ago

Quinn @probablynothuman
Wtf is going on

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
attachment
[video of Spidey on the roof, glaring at them all. He quickly turns to the ledge, shooting a whole bunch of really fine webs into the air from both his arms. As the wind begins to carry him, he shouts "AU REVOIR, MOTHERFUCKERS!". Tony starts and stops protesting, seemingly realizing that it’s going to get him nowhere. Not two seconds later, an apple launches through the air and breaks through one of the webs and Spidey falls.
Just a few seconds later, Spidey’s voice reaches the camera, angry.
“BUCKY--”
Spidey is seen vaulting back over the side of the roof and onto Bucky, who just laughs]

Quinn @probablynothuman
What… the fuck

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
:)

~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
PSA DONT LISTEN TO ANYTHING CLINT TWEETS EVER AGAIN

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I HAVE MADE A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I AM BEGGING YOU TO NOT

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Spider-Man!!! Our feral, fierce, unbeatable Spider-Man!!!

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
PURRS

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
wHYYTUTUFIFGDID

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
RIP Spidey, unknown-2020

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Nah i just started ruffling his hair like i was scratching him and he was trying to fight against it

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
fuvj toi

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Ypo suxk

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I hstw youfjksk

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
He has succumbed. Finally, a good way to fight back. It’s tiring to be constantly on guard. Just pet him and he gets all cuddly and sleepy.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Oh it’s my favorite thing, hands fucking down. Sometimes it’s the only way Harley or I can get him to sleep after he’s been up for like 60 hours

~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
Lotion… smells so good. But it tastes so bad… why

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Kid-- did you

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
No. gross. Wtf

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I tasted it with my arms and legs. I have taste buds there

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
[redacted] stop making steve puke, it’s gross

hadley-anne @ways2bwickd
Somehow, the fact that Spider-Man can taste with his limbs is worse than the idea that he’s eating hand cream.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
my body is but an eternal mystery. Tasting with limbs is a part of that lovely mystique. If your fiance is getting sick just because he has issues with that, then that’s above my pay grade

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Funny, he wasn’t arachnophobic before

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
OMFG WAIT I GAVE HIM ARACHNOPHOBIA THIS IS KILLING MEEEEE

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
YOUTUBE VIDEO NEXT WEEK: “How I Gave My Uncle Arachnophobia”

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Why does this affect me so badly? I’m not sure.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But this is my life and I am about to make it @biderman’s problem

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Brooo had studio time for the first time in weeks-- my legs

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fuck-- wrong account

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
(for those of you saying to just delete it, i’ve already been tagged in 7 screenshots of the tweet and it’s been 5 minutes)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yes, I dance. Sometimes. No, you don’t get to see. SOMETIMES I’ll post it on my private account if I’m particularly fond of the routine and want to save it somewhere.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Hi I have already seen a bunch of rude comments about Peter’s dancing, some derogatory and some just generally hurtful. But uhh.. haha my brother is the black panther, if i keep hearing this shit i will find you :))))))

several hours later

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker (this is Peter’s personal account)
Okay so now that i’m on the right account… i’ve been working on this new number, kinda wanna post?

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Like maybe tomorrow?

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Do itttttt

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Any other votes?

haha i can call her mj @michellejones
1. This is the first time I’ve been on twitter in months why is my name different
2. Do it coward

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
Me too @ 1 and also @ 2 pls do it or else i’m coming over and you’re doing it in front of me bc i am a supportive best friend dammit

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
attachments
[screenshots of Ch 7: Friday’s Revenge (go back and read that if you haven’t!!!)]

haha i can call her mj @michellejones
ah. that makes both total sense and no sense. only you could get on the bad side of an AI, parker.

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
I don’t wanna talk about it… she knows everything

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Also fun fact, this is an Avengers-free account! Nat and Dad are here, because Nat taught me dance and Dad is… dad. But yeahhhh so it’s a vibe.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
👋

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Thank you nat very educational.

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Posting 2 videos because I like them both and I won’t work up the nerve again for a while - attachment
[video: Peter backs away from the camera, standing in the middle of the space.
“FRIDAY, play ’Pray’ by Xana,” he says, before shooting a quick look at the camera. “This is 100% improvised, so should I end up posting this, that’s why it’s not polished. Like you guys would care.”
With that, he headed into a routine that was contemporary, edging on Jazz. (sorry, i’m a long way from being a choreographer, so I would say just listen to the song and use your imagination :), that’s what I did)
When the song ended, he was barely out of breath, smiling wide, crossing to the camera and turning it off.]
[video: Peter sitting in front of the camera.
“Okay so this is the one I’m actually really proud of, this song brings me so much serotonin, and I’ve missed ballet so much, so… here goes nothing. FRIDAY, play ’Carl Goes Up’ by Michael Giacchino.”
Cue a dance to Carl Goes Up, a ballet/jazz dance that included a few of Peter’s favorite gymnastic tricks.
When the song ended, the video cut back to Peter, who looked more than a little emotional.
“Okay okay okay. I know this is just going to be seen by like the 6 people on my private account, but wow. I need to say something quick, just for me. Because I fucking did that. It took me so long, and I missed dance so much, and I did it. I recorded it, I’m posting it somewhere. This is insane. Okay. I’m done now. If you’ve made it this far, I love you.”]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh. fuck.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
@natasharomanov @buckybarnes Living Room. Now.
-sent with FRIDAY

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Okay okay now I get what Peter’s notifications feel like. For y’all asking after him: he’s… overwhelmed. Like, he’s ready to give up Twitter for a WHILE. Tony and Nat and Bucky are with him, I went for a walk to give them some space. Y’all have to understand, his personal account only has 6 followers, and it’s his closest friends and family, like the Avengers aren’t even following it because they know it would be a lot for him if they did. And he had a tough time posting it THERE. He has MILLIONS of followers on @beterbarker

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
He’s going to be just fine. It’s just been an overwhelming few weeks, lots of big things in the works. I’ll keep you guys updated if there’s anything to update on.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
❤️❤️❤️ - attachment
[image: Peter in a big hoodie and sweatpants, curled up on Harley’s lap, face tucked into his chest, sleeping. His eyes are still a little puffy, and Harley’s hand that isn’t taking the selfie is wrapped around Peter’s back]

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m not going to give up Twitter, guys, calm tf down <3

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
attachments
[images: screenshots of the Notes app on a phone.
“Hey, so I know that I took an unexpected overnight twitter break after my post of videos of me dancing, and I feel like it’s important that I explain why.
A little bit of backstory, I used to take dance classes when I was a kid. Like back before my parents died, I have flashing memories of walking into dance class with my mom, a bun in my hair and carrying my tutu so I didn’t bump into anyone on the subway.
Even when I was living with Ben and May, I was still taking ballet classes, and I loved them, but what I didn’t love was everyone complimenting my classmates and my feminine traits and features and trying to shame our masculine ones. Even in the boys.
Ballet was for girls. That's what I learned. It was an inherently female dance of grace and beauty. Looking back, my teacher was 1,000, give or take 100 years, and was very into gender roles.
Anyway, I’m just getting to the point in my life where I don’t have to constantly correct people on my pronouns and fight to be called a man. That fear has been there for a long time that if I went back to ballet, or told people about it, they would start rejecting me as a man, start treating me like a girl again, and I just couldn’t bear the thought. That video was the first ballet video I’ve ever even recorded.
It felt like it was going to be a “2 steps forward, 1 massive step backwards situation. And I know that’s just the trauma talking, but it doesn’t make it less scary to share one of your biggest vulnerabilities with millions of people by accident.
I always associated dance, especially ballet, with femininity. I’m still working on that, even now. But honestly? Fuck that. Ballet is breathtaking to watch, and even more breathtaking to perform (seriously don’t knock pro ballerinas guys, they’re in better shape than you). Gender roles are fucking stupid, do what makes you happy even if it’s hard sometimes. Dance is for everyone. <3
Rant over. I AM going to take a break for a few days, just because I’m overdue. I love you all, and I promise I have some awesome youtube videos coming soon.
❤️ - P”]

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ROAD TRIPPPPPP

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re going to California for a few weeks. Tony has some business and everyone else just needs a damn vacation, so we’ll get there right before the 4th of July, and then we’ll leave the first week of August

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
40 hours in the car with the World’s Mightiest Idiots… I can’t believe Harley talked Tony into taking a 20-passenger van instead of the jet…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
On the roster we have: me, Harley, Happy, Tony, Bruce, Pepper, Clint, Natasha, Steve, Bucky, Thor and Loki, Sam, and… Shuri! Wanda, Vision, and their boys are going to meet up with us, but since Wanda is kind of… let’s say a high risk pregnancy, they’re just going to fly out for a week so they’re not away from her doctor for too long.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Pray for me. We’re loading up the van now.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I have never been happier about my lack of driving skills. We’re not even in the car yet and Happy looks like he’s plotting Clint’s murder.

georgi @georgijean154
I’m noticing a lack of Spidey on that roster… is he staying in New York?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Actually, he’s taking some time off, too. He’s headed to Wanda and Vision’s place until they fly to join us, and then spending a week or two with his best friend out of state.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Goodbye, creepy crawly man!

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
See you in a month, human sized hornet

Stabby Fren @godofmischeif
I am publicly thanking @tonystark for giving up his seat in the front so as to avoid things going south before we leave the city.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
He was SUPPOSED to sit next to me--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
But Shuri stole his seat.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
WAS I GETTING A FRONT SEAT?!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No, you were getting the entire back row to yourself, Tony was getting the front seat, Sam was going to sit with Bruce, Nat would have gotten 2 seats to herself and Clint would be sitting where she is now. It’s working out fine either way, though, because we all love each other for the most part.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
This is what our seating chart looks like NOW - attachment

(Blue is Shuri, Pink is Harley, Purple is Peter)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay someone tell Steve and Bucky to stop kissing in front of my young eyes

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Okay I can see you and Harley making out in the rearview mirror

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yeah but we’re doing it to annoy Shuri

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Every time i talk to them, they start making out.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THOR JUST STARTED SINGING PARTY IN THE USA

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WHO SHOWED HIM PITCH PERFECT

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
attachment
[video: Thor is about halfway through the first verse when the video picks up.
“... look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign, this is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous--”
“My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick. Too much pressure and I’m nervous,” Pepper joins in from way up in the front.
“Until the taxi man turns the radio, and a Jay-Z song was on,” Clint jumps in.
“And a Jay-Z song was on…” Loki decides to add in his voice.
“And a Jay-Z song was onnnn--” surprisingly, it’s Natasha who decides to join in. There’s a pause, and everyone glances at each other, even Steve and Bucky, grinning.
“SO I PUT MY HANDS UP THEY’RE PLAYING MY SONG, THE BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY, NODDING MY HEAD LIKE YEAH, MOVING MY HIPS LIKE YEAH--” the entire van is singing now, although Shuri did throw a look at the super-soldiers when they join, as if she wasn’t expecting them to know the song.
Clint stands up and starts performing the song while walking up and down the aisle of the van, stealing a hairbrush from the side pocket of someone’s bag to use as a microphone. Harley stands to give a better view of the van. Bucky is looking at the lyrics on his phone, Sam is singing like it’s his last performance, and even Happy is tapping his hands on the steering wheel.
Peter is beaming as he sings, he and Shuri attempting to coordinate their hand movements as they sing, and failing. Natasha is adding a shockingly high soprano voice to the low voices, and Loki’s singing, the pieces that can be made out, is really quite nice, while Thor looks around proudly, knowing that it was doing that starting this real-life movie scene. Steve looks thrilled that he gets this reference. Tony and Bruce are both lip syncing, but not singing along, doing all the movements along with the words.
The song ends, and Peter pipes up from next to Harley.
“Next we should do Jo--”
“NO JOLENE!!!” half the bus yells back.
“That’s a song for later when we all already hate ourselves for being in this van in the first place,” Clint calls back.
“I OFFERED YOU ALL THE OPTION TO FLY, IDIO--” Tony is cut off by the video ending]

The Sally @itssallyyyy
I’m sorry, you’re telling me that that outgoing little creature is Peter Parker, the same mostly-quiet boy we were on Aca-Dec with?

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
Wait okay real question @beterbarker how long have you known Stark. Alternate/more aggressive way of asking this is: how long have you been besties with the Avengers?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay but those are two totally different questions. I’ve known Tony since the start of sophomore year. So maybe 3 years? Besties with the Avengers? 2 years.

I got a rock… @charliebrown
WTF

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
I don’t know how to react to any of this… i’m having an out-of-body experience

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Skskskdjskj all my old classmates reacting to this is KILLING me

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
Parker you’re killing US. Next you’ll be saying that seeing Captain America shirtless is just… normal

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I-- hold on.

----------------
Double Life->Moon-Moon
Double Life: okay. so.
Moon-Moon: ?
Double Life: seeing cap shirtless for the first time was a goddamn religious experience
Moon-Moon: FDKFKEJGHKFJ
Double Life: I mean. Clint, Bucky, Steve. INCREDIBLE. Seeing Nat in a sports bra is… well, she’s always been like my aunt so it doesn’t do anything for me, but Sally would drop dead.
Double Life: Flash would CRY to see Spidey’s abs
Moon-Moon: I have never been more jealous of you
Double Life: Valid
Moon-Moon: you wanna sneak a photo for us thirsty hoes?
Double Life: uhh i mean… if i ever see them shirtless and have my phone… yeah
Double Life: Wait-- we’re about to be in Cali. Cindy, this is your lucky week
Moon-Moon: I’m already swooning
Double Life: however good you think it’s going to be. It’s better.
Moon-Moon: Oh I am going to die.
----------------

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay I’m back. And No Cindy It’s Not A Big Deal.

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
Wait have you seen Spidey shirtless--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@dammitmoonmoon

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yeah. Bro you would CRY. He’s no Cap or Bucky. But wow--

------------------
Best Dad in the Universe -> My Kiddo
Best Dad in the Universe: subtle
My Kiddo: i know right
Best Dad in the Universe: stop talking about your abs peter
My Kiddo: but DAAAADDDD they don’t KNOW they’re my abs.
Best Dad in the Universe: but they WILL in 6 weeks. Think about THIS resurfacing when the time comes
My Kiddo: ah shit i hate when you have a point.
--------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CUZ I GOT A COUPLE DENTS IN MY FENDER--

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
GOT A COUPLE RIPS IN MY JEANS

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
TRYIN’ TO FIT THE PIECES TOGETHER--

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
We know. You’ve been singing it over and over for the past 10 minutes.

Stabby Fren @godofmischief
Its supposed to be catchy but I hate it

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
I am going to climb back there and no one can save you--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
TAKE A LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
SHE’S THE ONLY ONE I GOT

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
BA BUH DA BAH

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Happy is going to lose it in a minute kid

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SLOW DOWN-- GRAB THE WALL

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
WIGGLE LIKE YOU’RE TRYNA MAKE YOUR ASS FALL OFF

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
HELLA THICK I WANNA SMASH EM ALL NOW-- SPEED UP. GAS PEDAL

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
паук ребенок, please

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
GIRL THE WAY YOU MOVIN’

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
GOT ME IN A TRANCE, DJ TURN IT UP

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
LADIES THIS YOUR JAM. IMMA SIP MOSCATO

honey pie @likeloversdo3
Oh my god this is the best thing ever

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
AND I CANT TAKE IT BACK SO IN THE PAST SO IN THE PAST IS WHERE WE’LL LEAVE IT

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
SO THERE YOU GO, OH--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CAN’T MAKE A WIFE OUT OF

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
A CHILD--

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
NO

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Just so we’re clear, they’re singing the full song each time

Chad (endearing) @thor
I just asked for the radio. Happy said no… here we are.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
For what it’s worth, he regrets it deeply…

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I’m sure he fucking does. I’m so glad I’m pregnant and can’t leave home for too long. I love you guys, especially Peter, and I want to continue to love him when we get back home. But if I was in that car… well.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
that’s totally fair. love you <3

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
<3<3<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’ve officially been in the van for 8 hours. Jolene?

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
no.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Joleneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Soon, bud. But not yet. We aren’t that miserable yet.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You just almost took Sam’s head off…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
He took the gummy bears

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Understandable, proceed

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
kid???

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@tonystark are we stopping for the night?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Nat’s gonna take a shift driving so Happy can sleep. We’re here til California. No hotel stops.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay then may I suggest the next restaurant?

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Sure, Peter

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well I think for breakfast we should eat at Hampton Inn’s breakfast spread. For guests.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
oooh i think that might have been a hint--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
What gave me away

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Oh my god it’s literally 11 PM just sleep. Time zone lag is sucky already for Shuri I’m sure. Just sleep.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Harley is a weakling and fell asleep an hour ago i hate him for leaving me I’m not even tired

20 minutes later…

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
attachments
[image: Peter and Harley, Harley is curled into Peter, torso stretching across his chest, head tucked into the crook of his neck. Peter is kind of cradling him so he doesn’t fall in case he shifts]
[video: Peter sets his phone down and shakes Harley a little.
“Hmm?” Harley mumbles.
“C’mon, baby. Let’s go back here. More room for you,” Peter whispers, yawning. Harley nods a little and gets up, shuffling into the very back seats, the row behind where they were initially. Peter follows him, and they clumsily tangle themselves together. Harley starts snoring lightly a second later, head on Peter’s chest so Peter can play with his hair.]
[image: both boys sleeping, arms wrapped around each other]

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Their arms are going to have pins and needles in the morning…

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Okay i’m out for the night, too. Goodnight, people <3

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Status update: currently driving through assfuck, Missouri. Seriously. Every hick in America comes from these tiny towns that we’re driving through. Everyone on the street looks like they would gladly hate crime me.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I made eye contact oh god

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m hungry but none of us feel comfy stopping here

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Time to break out the Emergency Snacks

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m so sorry, Steve

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Please no

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I literally do not have another choice.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I TOLD them we should have stopped in Illinois to stock up on snacks but noooo

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
We have MULTIPLE people on this bus with super-metabolism and we were low on snacks but Stark, ever the genius, said we would be fine. And now here we are.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m eating as fast I can. Harley doesn’t like it any more than Steve does.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Kid, none of us like it. It’s not the most appetizing snack

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
wtf is this kid eating

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
heheh

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Let’s leave that to this: it is not an appetizing snack. Even Thor isn’t a fan. I have an odd choice in snacks.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
haha you have your own crickets. Like how everyone is grossed out by my crickets? You have that.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yeah it’s really annoying. But it’s literally the only food left on the bus.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay I’m done Steve take your head out of your pillow.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Is this a bad time to say that we just passed another gas station, but it’s in assfuck, missouri 2.0 so we can’t stop again?

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Steve is crying--

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
I’M fucking crying--

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Pepper looks like she’s about to smack me haha I can’t run away but I can run to the back row so I hope Shuri and the boys like my company. Sorry @drbrucebanner i’m totally abandoning you

Stabby Fren @godofmischief
Banner is asleep… someone keep me company. Happy doesn’t talk to me and Pepper is reading and I feel bad bothering her. Not you Thor. Stay where you are.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
I’ll be up in a sec, Laufeyson 👍👍

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Haha okay Harley and I are gonna pretend to make out and see how long it takes Tony to notice, because he’s rambling about a new product

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
I wanna record this…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Do it.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
I just woke up to see the tweets from the past hour and??? We still haven’t stopped for snacks???

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
attachment
[video: Bruce, obviously sleep-rumpled, checking his phone, commenting out loud. Steve is cracking up next to Sam.
“WE STILL HAVEN’T STOPPED FOR FUCKING SNACKS--”
“Oh I’m so glad I missed peter’s snack.”
“TONY GET YOUR ASS BACK UP HERE”
Tony pipes up now from behind Sam, “But Bruceeee…”
“Tones…” Bruce whined, a knowing smirk on his face where Tony couldn’t see it.
“On my way--” Tony said, voice nearing, slipping back into his seat next to Bruce. “Wait were Peter and Harley making out-- BOYS--”
The entire bus busts out laughing, and the video cuts off.]

emilia @pepperpottsily
Bruce, knowing it’ll get Tony to do what he wants: Tones…
(btw on that note, ‘Tones’ is the cutest damn nickname bc they don’t seem like pet name people.)

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Similarly:
Harley, knowing it’ll get Peter to do stuff: Darlin’

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Can also be compared to:
Bucky, knowing it’ll melt Steve like butter: ‘doll’
Steve, knowing Bucky will have blush stop-sign red: ‘baby’

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
STOP CALLING US OUT GUYS WTF

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I would protest and say I won’t do whatever he wants when he calls me Tones, but…
It would be a lie

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Ew stop being gross on Twitter

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WE HAVE EXITED ASSFUCK, MISSOURI

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
(no hate to any of our Missouri peeps, we <3 you all. there are just… certain places, y’know? where you feel totally uneasy. and that’s most of Missouri for us. and we’re HEROES so… be safe)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also we all have to pee--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Stopped at McDonalds… half of us are going nextdoor for Wendy’s food/bathrooms and the other half are here. Reconvening on the bus in 20

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
45 minutes later update: We spent so much fucking money at McDonalds. I have never eaten more chicken nuggets in my life. Or fries.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
I usually try to eat better than this but fuck-- we all needed food. And now we’re stopping to stock up on snacks. Right??? Stark???

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
That was the plan, Nat.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Snacks retrieved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WE’RE ALREADY LEAVING KANSAS? BUT I WANTED TO HEAR MORE OF STEVE’S WIZARD OF OZ JOKES?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
(no i didn’t thank you happy)

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Well, I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WE LITERALLY WERE IN KANSAS FOR 20 MINUTES IT WAS JUST THE CORNER

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I love you, doll. But I might kill you myself.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Buck, protect your man. I’m coming for him--

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
EVERY SINGLE AVENGER IN THIS VAN. SIT DOWN. NOW.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Steve, I adore you. But the puns must stop. Loki is breaking pens up here. Shuri, no murder. Diplomatic immunity doesn’t mean we can’t kick you off this trip and ban you from Stark Tower. Peter, you’re antagonizing. We have 20 hours left. Don’t.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
JOLENE JOLENE JOLENE JOLENE JOLENE

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
We’ll sing Jolene when we pass the Grand Canyon as a celebration of us all fucking surviving 95% of this trip

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FINE. Song suggestions anyone?

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
I’m in a Taylor Swift mood.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Coming upppp

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Oh this was too good to not share - attachment
['London Boy' by Taylor Swift begins to play from the van speakers.
“OH FUCK YES!” Harley cheers.
“I hate myself for knowing this song,” Natasha grumbles, just barely audible above the noise.
“You’re welcome, Nat,” Peter calls down the aisle.
“We ALL know this song because you two can’t stop listening to it,” Bucky added, sounding slightly exasperated.
There’s some rustling as Sam shifts onto his knees, facing the back of the bus. His camera more clearly sees the back rows now, and Harley and Peter are enthusiastically lip-syncing in their seats.
“They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine is…” the lyrics sing, the boys and now Shuri lip sync.
“EVERYBODY SING!” Shuri yells, and there’s a collective sigh of resignation.
“YOU KNOW I LOVE A LONDON BOY, I ENJOY WALKING CAMDEN MARKET IN THE AFTERNOON,
HE LIKES MY AMERICAN SMILE, LIKE A CHILD WHEN OUR EYES MEET, DARLING, I FANCY YOU--”
Mid-chorus, Harley stands up on his seat, only having to hunch a little bit, to sing out loud, pulling Peter up a few seconds later. Shuri joins them next, and then Clint stands next to Sam. Even Natasha and Steve stand up, the entire group singing the rest of the song, and Peter falls to his seat laughing as the song draws to a close, pulling Harley down by his shirt for a kiss, Clint and Bucky gagging at the sight. Peter flips off the camera as the video cuts off, Harley’s sharp laughter cutting through the noise at the last second.]

Nina Zenik Stan @veraearl
Okay I could SWEAR I heard happy’s voice in the singing

Penelope @hotdogwater03
Me too! I will say, hearing Natasha and Tony made my d a y.

The Sally @itssallyyyy
I will never get over the drastically different Peter that I see in these videos. Does he have a doppelganger that he sent to school, who can hide that much personality?

Farrah @farrahgodmotherhehe
If he had let it shine through, that boy could have easily been prom king

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I mean… I had my reasons for being invisible. But I’m glad y’all do get to see that I have a personality beyond my anxiety

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
I always knew you had one, it was a matter of when you would grow into it, not if.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Sigh… if only you guys could see me on karaoke night…

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
INVITE ME TO KARAOKE NIGHT, H U H

Not-Ugly Betty @futurepresident
HEY ME AND @michellejones too

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’d love to have everyone over for karaoke night! But probably not until December, so everyone has a chance to be in the city, since I know most of y’all won’t be in NYC when I get back in August.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay, I get to DJ again so new topic: song recs!

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas

kermit sold shampoo @oceanbreezesoap
Everywhere I Go - Hollywood Undead

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You. @oceanbreezesoap. You scare me. I like it. I’m doing it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I don’t know how many Avengers know this. My bet is Pepper knows it for sure.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
attachment
[video: the opening bars to the song ‘Everywhere I Go’ by the Hollywood Undead are playing.
Shockingly, Peter is right, because Pepper’s head shoots up immediately.
Most of the Avengers know bits and pieces, but the most shockingly knowledgeable are Steve and Bruce, but they seem to be trying to hide their laughter, but every time they glance at each other, they break out laughing. Bucky, Clint, and Sam, however, are getting into the song and dancing.
The camera pans to Shuri every once in a while, where she’s reading a book while aggressively head-banging and lip syncing to the song. Pepper is actively singing along to the song, filling out forms (in the moving van!!!) as she does so.
Harley is shown near the end, sleeping on Peter’s lap.
“He’s missing the fun… he just fell asleep,” Peter’s voice says, clearly marking him as the cameraman. The video ends right before the song draws to a close.]

Gerty @qwertygerty
PEPPER POTTS-- KNOWS HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh my god I LEARNED this song from Pep. She’s a hard rock/metal/pop punk fanatic

My Chemical Romance ✔️ @mcrofficial
@pepperpotts favorite song of ours?

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
The Sharpest Lives or House of Wolves

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I was not included in this but mine is House of Wolves too!

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Nah… *whEN I WAS-- a yOUNG BOY--*

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Oh thank god i was recording bc i was planning on pranking Thor - attachment
[video: Harley singing the opening line of ‘Welcome to the Black Parade’ as he types it, and Bucky and Steve clearly see it on Steve’s phone.
“MY FATHER TOOK ME INTO THE CITY TO SEE THE MARCHING BAND--” Bucky sang out, shockingly on-key but nonetheless loud. Steve, who happened to be unfortunate enough to take a drink of water at this moment, did a spit take. Thankfully it was towards a window. Clint is behind the camera wheezing, and Shuri is nearly on the floor laughing.
“Where the hell did you--” Steve stops himself.
“ALL BROKEN WHITE BOYS KNOW MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE,” Shuri wheezes out, and the video ends.]

Chad (endearing) @thor
You were planning to prank me?

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Yeah, but you were asleep. I was just going to put whipped cream in your hand and flick your nose so you would smack yourself in the face. Not something creepy or scary

Chad (endearing) @thor
Oh. that would be funny, i suppose.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You would have laughed at it later, i promise. Maybe not so funny at the time, but later

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
EXCEPT MY DICK

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ONE--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HAHA TRANS HUMOR

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
I’m… so sorry. He hasn’t slept in almost 24 hours and he had a sip of Shuri’s redbull… harley and tony are trying to make him sleep

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
attachment
[image: a selfie, taken by Bucky, of Peter, him, and Natasha in the very back, Peter laid across their legs, head in Natasha’s lap. Natasha is pointedly not looking at the camera, but her hand is in Peter’s hair, caught blurry on camera from where she was carding through it.]

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Oh thank god now we can ALL get some sleep

about an hour later…

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
attachment
[image: a shot down towards the back of the bus. In the bottom corner, Loki is asleep next to Pepper, closed eyes just visible in frame.
Bruce and Tony are sleeping with their heads together, Bruce’s head on Tony’s shoulder and Tony’s head on Bruce’s.
Sam and Clint are leaned back in their seats, Clint’s mouth wide open and looking to be mid-snore, Sam’s arms crossed on his ribcage.
Bucky has migrated back to his and Steve’s spot, and the two are curled close together, Bucky’s metal arm on the floor beside them. Bucky’s other arm is resting in Steve’s hair where his head lays on Bucky’s chest. Steve’s arms are wrapped around his fiance.
Thor is in the seat across the aisle, sitting on a pillow on the floor and using his chair as a pillow.
Harley has moved back to Peter and Natasha, so Shuri has taken their spot to stretch out in… kind of. She’s still nearly in the fetal position, but at least she’s laying down.
Natasha, Peter’s head still in her lap, is resting her head on the window, eyes closed peacefully. Harley seems to have switched with Bucky, because Peter’s legs are on his lap, and he’s sleeping with a travel pillow around his neck, head tilted just to the side.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Good morning! Most of us are awake now, and Pepper is driving! Also Loki and Shuri switched because Shuri’s having a rough morning, just one of those days (yes I have permission to say she’s feeling bad) so she’s gonna vibe up front because Pepper is listening to an audiobook quietly and Bruce is just a generally calming presence. (ironic we know)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Quick location check! We’ll be in Arizona in an hour. We apparently paused at some point last night.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Anyway, send some love Shuri’s way, because we love her <3

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Who wants to switch with me? They’re listening to the Hobbit

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
If Bucky wasn’t still asleep, I would.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Get back here, i’ll swap for a while. Maybe I’ll sleep better there. Clint won’t sneak up on me and attempt to prank me

Stabby Fren @godofmischief
she/her today

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I think van life is getting to a few people. Harley isn’t doing too great today, and Bucky almost woke up swinging from a nightmare. Thankfully the metal arm was on the floor.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We have made the executive decision to stop at the Grand Canyon for a few hours, we’ll be there around 1:30. Fresh air will probably help a lot

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Seriously even I’m feeling it today. What was in the Dallas water?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Only 9.5 hours left til LA

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
3 hours til the canyon, and then when we all feel up to it after, Peter DOES get Jolene.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I think we’re all just gonna nap until we get there. Bucky and Steve were going to read Harry Potter, I think. But hey, if my boy wants a nap and cuddles… I can’t complain.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
look who joined me in the cheap seats - attachment
[image: a drowsy looking Bruce resting his head on Tony’s shoulder, eyes mostly closed.]

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I know you guys aren’t having a great day but i miss you all. Vis, the boys and I want to be there. See you soon <3

~~~~~~~~~~~

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Ah, what a big happy family - attachments
[image: what looks like it was supposed to be a nice family picture, but Clint and Peter are fighting, Bucky is resting his head back on Steve’s chest, and Shuri is making a face. Natasha is standing on top of the sign they’re standing in front of.]
[image: a shot of all of the avengers, following Pepper like shes a tour leader. Harley is trying to steal Sam’s sunglasses from his face, Steve is craning his neck to see the canyon, and Peter and Bucky are behind, Peter in the middle of getting onto Bucky’s back. Everyone is squinting the sun, Clint looks like he’s about to complain about something. Shuri is the only one who looks like she’s genuinely enjoying the experience.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You don’t give us enough credit, Pep - attachment
[image: the good version of the family photo. Natasha ended up on Clint’s shoulders. Harley is hugging Peter around the shoulders, and Steve is beaming, but he’s actually looking more at Bucky than the camera, his whole face lighting up.]

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
THAT’S the photo that needs to be on the Avenger’s website or the official twitter

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
GUYS OKAY SO-- we won’t have a lot of wifi in the park but I’ll post photos later!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay before photos, everyone was in a really good mood after being in the fresh air.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SO

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
JOLENEEEEEEEEEEE

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So here’s that - attachment
[video: the video starts before the song even plays
“Jolene! Jolene! Jolene!” Peter is chanting.
“I’m working on it, Pete,” Pepper calls back. Just then, the opening notes play, and Peter screams,
“YESSSSSSSSS!!!”
Steve’s foot starts tapping from the very start. Loki has hate on her face, but laughter in her eyes as she nods along. Bruce only shakes his head when the camera is pointed at him.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene…” Peter and Shuri start out being the only ones singing.
“I’m begging of you please don’t take my man,” Sam, Clint, Steve, and Thor join in.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene… please don’t take him just because you can--” by now everyone is singing, Bucky is bouncing in his seat.
Tony is doing a wonderful pantomime job, back up front with Bruce, who’s softly lip syncing and bobbing his head. Happy’s hands are even tapping the wheel slightly, though he’ll deny it.
Loki rolls her eyes as she sings along, laughing when Shuri tries to drag her into a dramatic duet.
The song eventually ends, and everyone is laughing, and Peter turns the camera around as Harley pulls him down for a kiss, waving the camera goodbye right before their lips touch, and the video ends]

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Yes, I know Peter and I kiss after every lip sync but like, here’s the ugly truth. You ready for it? We’re dating. We kiss. A lot. We don’t really need a reason. But I think he’s so fucking gorgeous when he’s been laughing and singing and having fun, I can’t NOT kiss him

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
*I’m saying sappy cute shit in person that will not go on twitter so y’all fill in the blanks*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
5 HOURS LATER. WE ARE IN LOS ANGELES. TONY’S HOUSE IS A MANSION (don’t act like you’re shocked) HE KEEPS INSISTING HARLEY CAN HAVE OUR OWN ROOMS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
TONY, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
But, what?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Goodbye, Twitter! :)

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re going to the beach today! We spent ALL of yesterday getting settled in, me and Harley’s room is amazing, and this kitchennnn. Plus, FRIDAY is here too! We love FRIDAY. Tony says he’s considering making FRIDAY solely for himself and the Tower, and putting another AI, maybe JOKASTA or HELEN. My vote is HELEN, I met her briefly and she reminds me of family members that I was really close to @beterbarker
ANYWAY, like I said, beach day!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OH SHIT MARIA’S HERE LETSSS GOOOO

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
Hi I flew in because I had work and also 40 hours in a car with Stark might have killed me, as much as I do love him :) 👋

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Officially loading up the van, we have 20 cans of sunscreen wtf

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fun fact, LA traffic is much worse at 10 AM on a Friday than it is on 9 PM on a Wednesday. Who’d have guessed?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Happy is losing his shit this is hilarious.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
attachment
[video: Peter giggling behind the camera, sitting much further forward than he had on the road trip to LA. Happy’s face is in focus, a menacing scowl turned on the traffic around them.
“Nice fucking turn signal, VolksWagon-- oh FUCK you, old guy in a sports car-- OH MY GOD SOMEONE TEACH CALIFORNIANS HOW TO DRIVE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!”
“You’d better not complain about driving in New York ever again,” Tony said from off camera.
“Oh believe me, I won’t…” Happy grumbled. “DON’T YOU DARE CUT ME OFF YOU--”]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
This is comedy gold guys. But also like a little headache inducing. Thank god it’s only a 30 minute drive

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
AVENGERS… welcome to Santa Monica - attachment
[image: the camera is peeking above all the Avenger’s heads to see Santa Monica beach ahead of them.]

~~~~~~~~~~

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Maria made me post this because she said I look pretty, so here - attachment
[image: Natasha in a bathing suit and sunglasses, lounging in a chair with a book in her lap. She’s smiling at the photographer openly.]

astra maris @certifiedilflover
Oh my god Natasha Romanov is so attractive I refuse to keep dating if no one is going to look like her--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
There’s no one like nat, honestly.

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
It’s good that your standards are high but, yeah… she’s one of a kind ;)

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Take that winky face back now, everyone knows what it means

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
Make me <3

BlackHill <3<3<3 @natarialover
Well if anyone ever wondered who topped and who bottomed--

farrah lovejoy @earthsmightiestmorons
Gross--

BlackHill <3<3<3 @natarialover
I agree, honestly. Like I’m all for sex positivity, but it’s not our business how much information we get. But I have a large following, and maybe if enough people see my tweet, it’ll stop popping up on my fucking timeline--

farrah lovejoy @earthsmightiestmorons
Ahhh. I gotcha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chad (endearing) @thor
Humans are so small…

Chad (endearing) @thor
And they all want photos with us.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Someone just screamed from afar asking if they could lick Thor’s abs… ew that’s my uncle

Stabby Fren (she/they) @godofmischief
I was approached by a fellow genderfluid today, and they mentioned putting my pronouns in my name like Clint’s partner does, especially since mine change often. I’m very grateful for the suggestion, and will be using it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The amount of queer people who have approached us, not necessaily because we’re the Avengers, but because we’re huge public figures who are openly queer and HAPPEN to be heroes and hero-adjacents-- honestly it’s amazing. They tell us how we gave them courage to come out, or to tell their story, and honestly it’s beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
We love having a panic attack on the beach and having to go back to the van. I literally have had top surgery why am I dysphoric

---------------
Trans-Vengers
(Turtle of Justice, NB-Uncle Buck, Petey-Pie)
Turtle of Justice: you okay, Pete?
Petey-Pie: no. and I hate my name on this chat
NB-Uncle Buck: is Harley with you?
Petey-Pie: no but he knows where I am. So does dad and Bruce.
Petey-Pie: I just… ugh. I don’t GET it. Why am i having such a problem with this?
NB-Uncle Buck: I don’t know, Peter. I wish I could help you, I really do
Turtle of Justice: It’s probably just the fact that this is the first time you’ve been to a real beach since the surgery. Dysphoria just kind of naturally popped up. Happened to me the first time I hit the workout room after top surgery.
Petey-Pie: probably. Doesn’t make it less shitty though.
Turtle of Justice: no, it really doesn’t. you want me there with you?
Petey-Pie: …
Petey-Pie: yeah.
Petey-Pie: you too, Buck
Turtle of Justice: okay. Letting your dad know and we’re on the way
------------------

------------------
Dad->Spider-Son
Dad: you need to talk about it?
Spider-Son: steve and buck are otw. Times like these i wish spidey was actually another trans person so I had someone my age to talk to about this
Spider-Son: I love you, though, and I’ll be back soon and then I will totally dominate you in a handstand competition
Dad: you better
Dad: I love you too, buddy
-----------------

-----------------
Mighty Morons
(all avengers)
Wanda: Peter, are you okay?
Clint: @harley are you with your boy?
Harley: nah, he needed a minute to himself, which I get.
Tony: yeah. He’s gonna be okay.
Steve: Bucky and I are on the way, he asked us to come.
Steve: if we’re not back in an hour, check in with us? We might just need to cut this day short and come back another week.
Natasha: agreed. I’ll come by the bus and check. You two don’t check your phones, make sure spidey is ok
roughly half an hour later
Bucky: [image: Peter and Steve hugging, Peter’s head buried in Steve’s chest, Steve’s hand in Peter’s hair.]
Bucky: well. He can handle physical touch now. So we’re getting there.
Sam: well that’s insanely wholesome
Maria: I’m jealous, spider-hugs are the best.
15 minutes later
Steve: we’re on the way back
Peter: I’m doing better, guys. I think I’ll feel a little shitty for the rest of the day, but it’s bearable now.
Thor: oh thank goodness stark-son, i am relieved to hear you are better
Peter: thanks, thor
----------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Watch me dominate Tony in a handstand competition here -> - attachment
[video: “Three… two… one… go!” Bruce’s voice comes from behind the phone camera. Tony and Peter grin, and both go into handstands.
“You’re going down, Petey-Pie!” Tony calls.
“Not my name, Anthony!” Peter laughs.
“Never call me that again.”
“Okay, Anthony.”
“You know what you little shit?!” Tony laughed, still upside down but wobbling slightly.
There was a slightly tense silence as the two men continued to hold their positions on their hands. Not long after, Tony finally lost the fight with gravity and went down, laughing and scowling playfully as Peter stayed where he was, walking back and forth on his hands now.
“Showoff!” Maria called, and Peter whooped, finally standing back upright, immediately holding his head.
“Head rush is no joke, kids. Don’t handstand and drive--”
“You’re an idiot. An actual idiot,” Harley laughed.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Headed to dinner, idek if its on the pier or not

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
On the pier, beautiful waterfront view, I’m in love with it and Harley and I are moving in here and getting to see this sunset every night.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Do I get a say in this?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
👀👀👀

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Yes, darlin

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’d call this a successful beach day. Thanks to Nat for the snapshot at the end - attachments
[image: the entire group standing on the beach, smiling at the camera in varying degrees of dryness, Thor’s hair dripping with salt water, while Loki was entirely dry. Maria’s hair was clearly in the middle of air-drying. Everyone was actually looking at the camera, laughing.]
[image: the same group at dinner, looking slightly more put together and clothed, almost all looking at the camera. Sam’s eyes are shut as he laughs, head tipping back, and Bruce smirking over at Tony.]
[images 3-8: various candids taken throughout the day]
[image: Peter and Harley, arms wrapped around each other, clearly laughing at what the camera person is saying.]
[image: Peter and Harley, silhouetted against the sunset, faces barely visible, but they’re obviously staring at each other like they hung the sun and moon for one another.]

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I’d call this a success for sure - attachment
[image: Happy’s scowling face in the driver’s seat, Peter laughing his ass off next to him.]

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So we’re actually here because Pepper and Tony have to work. But I get FOMO and also anxious when I’m not busy, Harley and Shuri go where I do, Bruce is never far from Tony, and the rest just didn’t want to stay in the tower. So here we are!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Of course, because they’re here to work, they are working! Duh.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
But the rest of us aren’t. So we’re playing a TON of games. Charades, capture the flag/cops and robbers, X-Treme Hide and Seek. We will be taking you on this journey with us.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
First: Charades!!!

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
@clintbarton ALADDIN. IT WAS FUCKING ALADDIN. H O W DID YOU NOT GET THAT

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Meanwhile, Peter and Harley just racked up 12 points in a minute. Clint and Bucky only got one.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
They made me sit this out because 1/2 of these cards are references, and I STILL don’t understand enough of them. There are too many to keep up with…

Gushy @thatweirdo
Someone call John and Hank Green. Steve needs a crash course in pop culture

Hank Green ✔️ @hankgreen
I’m on it. John is in, too. Buckle up, @steverogers

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hashdhshfskjsf Hank Green is actually making Steve a Crash Course

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We had to stop playing charades. Because Clint is an idiot and also Sam is Bad At This.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Next: Capture the Flag!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The Malibu house is more suited to capture the flag, plus it’s more fun!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team Captains: Me and Nat
Team Purple (Peter): Harley, Bucky, Sam, Loki, Maria
Team Red (Nat): Shuri, Steve, Clint, Thor, Bruce

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Honestly, I picked Harley first. But I traded him for Steve because let’s be real, Peter and Harley would sabotage the game for each other. Bucky and Steve are overly competitive with and should be kept on separate teams so as not to kill someone trying to win.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I would say I take offense. But she’s right.

owls @owo
Peter made out like a bandit. Loki, Bucky, AND Maria? Loki especially.

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
I’m not allowed to teleport, which I find rather disappointing. But Thor isn’t allowed to use Mjolnir or Stormbreaker, so I feel less taken advantage of.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
No potato guns for me :(

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And no vents for Clint XD

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
You’re such a dick

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You love me

~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The Official Cut of Avengers: Capture the Flag - attachments
[Image: Titled “MAP OF GROUNDS”, and a marked up printed layout of the Malibu house, Natasha’s team had the front half of the grounds and Peter’s team received the back half of the grounds. There was a neutral area in the kitchen for breaks/timeouts, and Peter’s flags/home base were in the back corner of the property while Natasha’s were upstairs in the only guest room not being used.]
[video, 10 minutes: Title Screen: “EARTH’S MIGHTIEST MORONS PLAY CAPTURE THE FLAG - BEST MOMENTS”
First clip: Nat running toward Peter’s Team Base through the trees when Maria drops from one, effectively tagging Natasha and putting her in timeout for 3 minutes.
“Fuck you, how did you know it would be me?” Nat asked. Maria smirked and pecked her cheek.
“I just crossed my fingers and hoped it wasn’t Bruce,” she shrugged, and Natasha laughed, taking off at a jog towards the kitchen.
Second Clip: Bruce is seen in the guest room where Natasha’s base is making smoke bombs. One detonates early, and he sputters, coughing the smoke back up, resettling the glasses on his nose and continuing, laughing to himself.
Third Clip: Peter seems to have acquired walkie-talkies for his team, and is talking to them.
“This is Cricket to Snake. Do you read, Snake?”
Loki’s voice crackles through the walkie-talkie. “Can you hear me, Peter?”
“Yeah, Lo. Do you remember the code names?”
“Yes, but why can I not just call you all by your true names?”
Peter sighs, slapping a hand to his forehead before responding.
“For the aesthetic, L-- nevermind. Do you have eyes on the target?”
“Yes, cricket I have eyes on the guest room.”
“It’s called the-- I give up. Good luck, Loki.”
Fourth Clip: Peter and Harley double-rushing Clint, and Clint looking back and forth between them, finally taking Peter down. Harley gets a flag, though, and starts at a dead sprint for home base. (there are 3 flags) Peter and Clint are wrestling on the ground when Bucky runs by and grabs a second flag and turns on his heel, booking it afterward.
Fifth Clip: Peter’s team celebrating, high fiving.
“Wait… who stole one of ours?” Loki asked, noticing the one empty flag-holder.
“Goddamn it, Nat,” Sam grumbled.
Sixth Clip: Soundless, Nat and Clint arguing next to the one remaining flag. Nat is gesturing wildly, and Clint is pointing wildly and motioning how the whole thing happened.
Seventh Clip: Thor trying to sneak up on Peter’s base to grab a flag, and passing a large rock. As he does, Loki spins out from behind it, hissing. Thor falls back with a scream, and Loki just laughs, patting him on the shoulder, effectively placing him on a 3 minute time out.
Eighth Clip: Peter sneaking into the guest bedroom window where Shuri is keeping guard over the final flag. When Shuri notices, she runs over to the window. The second she’s gone, Sam rolls out from under the bed, snags the flag, and quietly moves from the room, sprinting as soon as he clears the doorway. Shuri has tagged Peter by now and is heading back to her post, only to stop dead when she sees the flag gone.
Ninth Clip: Steve, chased by Maria, grabs Team Purple(Peter)’s second flag and turns, vaults over the huge rock Loki hid behind, and keeps running, having gained a good distance on the SHIELD agent. Sam runs past him a second later, diving onto base, effectively winning the game for his team.
Tenth Clip: Peter’s team celebrating their win, Peter on Bucky’s shoulders, holding all three of Nat’s team flags in his hand. Steve pecks Bucky on the cheek as a congratulations.]
[image: the winning team holds a cheap plastic trophy, grinning wide at the camera.]

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Okay so am i the only one a little bit curious about why Peter was the other team captain? Like, Nat is literally a super spy?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I was bullied in high school, I know how to get around without being seen.

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
That’s super fucking depressing but it makes sense

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re too tired for more games, so we’re just gonna start dinner so Tony and Pepper can have something when they get back.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also we’re going to Disney tomorrow and I’m fucking dying

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Me too, I’ve never been!!!

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Honestly most of us have never been. We’ve been meticulously planning this for WEEKS. What groups we’ll start in and end in, where we’re meeting for lunch, what rides we’ll ride on when? It’s like 50% sad because we are grown ass people, and 50% awesome because Disney!!!

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Okay so like… I’ve been? But it was pre-Hulk so I have no idea how this is going to go. If I Hulk out on Small World because Tony INSISTS we ride it, don’t say I didn’t warn you

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
On another note: WE MADE DINNERRRRRRR - attachment
[photo: 2 huge trayfuls of baked mac and cheese next to a massive plate of sauteed chicken breasts.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also, everyone likes different salads so we all make ours separate. We weren’t forgetting the healthy stuff :)

astra maris @certifiedilflover
Okay so I’m going to start eating with the Avengers, because that looks AMAZING

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
DISNEY DAYYYYYY

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I’m so fucking tired we took off at 6:30 and I can’t sleep on planes.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
By the way thanks @tonystark for letting us use your jet

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
@beterbarker Happy says you all had better “get your sorry asses outside” the second he pulls up with us. Also warning: we had to put in all the extra seats so everyone just needs to climb as far back as they can go once they get in and we should all fit fine.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
This is the current state of things here - attachment
[video: the camera moves from a doorway and heads toward the stairs and then down 2 flights of them. The stairs end in the living room, which everyone is using as a hub, running through and yelling back and forth.
“Where the fuck is my hat?! Loki you better not have stolen it again!!!” Shuri is yelling. Loki peeks out from behind one of the couches, indeed wearing a hat, presumed to be Shuri’s. The camera moves toward the kitchen, where Bucky’s arm is jerking around a little, and Harley has a panel open trying to clean what looks like sunscreen out of the wires.
“How did you manage to…” Peter’s disembodied voice asks.
“Clint,” both Bucky and Harley groaned.
Natasha and Bruce are standing at the counter, packing multiple backpacks with water bottles and sunscreen and snacks. Steve and Sam are sitting at the table, staring at the map as Steve points to different places.]

Vizzy @thevision
Who changed my name?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hehe about that…

Hanne @avengersassemble
Omg it looks like the opening of Home Alone in there with everyone running around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THEY’RE HEREEEEE

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Get in the van and stop tweeting.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m already in the van. Look in the back window.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
What the fuck when did you get here

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I climbed in through the back doors.

My Boy @harleythepotatokid
He had one (1) sip of coffee before I caught him.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I didn’t sleep last night I needed a pick-me-up

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Peter you have to stop drinking coffee

Elaine Howard @lainey020478
I cannot be the only person wondering where @beterbarker’s parents are and why they would allow their 17 year old son to just… cross the country with these people?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Thank you so much for your concern, Elaine! But my parents are dead <3

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
P E T E R

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
We ARE his family, thank you very much

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
The sheer volume of people who assume that Peter is defying his parents to be in California with us have obviously not paid enough attention to… well, anything Peter has said or done anywhere ever.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HAPPY THINGS NOW: WE’RE LOADED UP AND ON THE WAY TO DISNEYLAND

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YOOOOO - attachment
[video: Peter is again, cameraman. There’s rustling as he kneels on his seat in the very back.
“Say hi, everyone!!!” Peter yells, and holds the camera up.
Wanda is the first person to turn around and wave, all the way in the front. It’s a ripple effect from there, the rest of the van turning around, shouting and waving and shoving to get front and center from the camera. It doesn’t take long for everyone to start laughing, especially Peter, and the video ends as his phone falls]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
We have made it through the gates and into DisneyLand! - attachments
[photo: the entire group in front of the castle. Peter is on Harley’s shoulders, Bucky is on Steve’s, and Shuri seemingly talked Thor and Loki into creating a seat with their arms for her to sit on. Maria and Nat are playfully glaring at each other in this one, Maria’s smile giving Nat’s glare an edge. Tony and Bruce are the only couple that are both ACTUALLY looking at the camera and smiling. Tony’s head is angled slightly to the side, resting on Bruce’s, and their arms are around each other’s waists.]
[photo: the exact same photo, but by some miracle, everyone is smiling AND looking directly at the camera. This is the photo that the Official Avengers social media accounts post later in the day]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Harley, Shuri, Bucky, Loki, Steve, Clint and I are splitting off into one group and going for the classics. I want to ride Haunted Mansion so bad.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
The rest of us (Nat, Maria, Wanda, Vision, Billy and Tommy, Sam, Tones, Thor, Pepper, and I)(Happy is spending his day at one of the hotels) are the other group. I’m mostly here to watch the kids when everyone wants to do big coasters. Also because HARLEY’S GROUP doesn’t want to ride Small World???

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
IT’S SO FUCKING CREEPY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Dont worry bruce, I’ll get a video of him when I force him on it for the meme

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
I’m not getting on that ride, Peter

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I fucking am wtf

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I saw you tweet that on Bucky’s phone, Steve. Just tweet fuck

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
You have no proof

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And not you, Loki. Just Steve, Bucky, Harls, and I. I don’t want ride it but I’ll sacrifice my innocence for the humor of it all

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You’re too dramatic. Go ride Buzz Lightyear, kid

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bold of you to assume we’re not already in line.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I BEAT EVERYONE ON BUZZ LIGHTYEAR

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YOU. ARE. A SHARPSHOOTER. We’re not counting you because it’s obvious you were gonna win. Harley got the second high score, he’s the winner we’re counting

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
:(

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
<3

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Alright, onto Incredicoaster!!! Which is really just for Shuri, Harley, and Clint.

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Shh we’re gonna get Steve on the ride too

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Skfjskfjsk - attachments
[video: the Incredicoaster at Disneyland is in view, and as it flies by where Peter and the rest are standing, someone, definitely Steve, screams “FUCK YOU, PETER”. Peter’s answering wheeze sets off everyone next to him, roaring with laughter.]
[video: Steve stalking out of the exit to Incredicoaster, Clint, Shuri, and Harley laughing as they walk behind him. Steve’s hair is wind-tousled and his face is distinctively green.
“I’m not talking to any of you until we get to the Haunted Mansion,” Steve grumbles.]

------------------
Buck->Stevie
Buck: Are you actually mad?
Stevie: kind of.
Buck: I'm sorry, doll. If i had seen anything wrong with it, I wouldn’t have let them do it. You know that, right? I wasn’t gonna let them do something I KNEW you would hate.
Stevie: I know. However, now I owe you all one.
Buck: Jesus christ. Hey we did you a favor. Now we know you don’t like roller coasters.
Stevie: yeah. But now that I've been on that, you and I are going on the Mad Hatter’s Tea Cups until you throw up.
Buck: deal
---------------

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@steverogers WHY DOES BUCKY GET TO TALK TO YOU WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
heheh queers - attachment
[photo: Steve and Bucky walking hand in hand. Bucky is wearing Maleficent-themed Mickey ears and Steve has Olaf ones on. Bucky is laughing as Steve sticks his tongue out at them]

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Hey we’re queers too - attachment
[photo: a selfie, Harley’s arm around Peter’s waist and kissing his cheek. Peter’s nose is scrunched up as he laughs, his eyes squeezed shut.]

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Ewww stop kissing and go ride haunted mansion

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re already in line the photos just take longer to post.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh my god oh my god here we go I’m so excited. I actually think LOKI is excited?! Or anxious? His leg is bouncing.

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
Both.

~~~~~~~~~~

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
Watching Vision with Billy and Tommy on Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree is incredible because he’s obviously dizzy but the illusion of white skin and blonde hair is just that, an illusion. So he looks like he should be about the color of pea soup with how nauseous he is, but he’s not. Look at this man - attachment
[photo: Vision, looking distinctly nauseous and leaning on a wall, but everything about him looks perfect, not at all green or glassy-eyed.]

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Okay now that we’re on the move again-- we’re headed to the only ride that we actually argued about. Snow White’s Scary Adventures.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
We’re only in line and I already Do Not Like This

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fuck the haunted mansion. Snow White is LITERALLY the scariest ride at any of the parks. I looked it up. Wtf why

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Honestly I'm just interested enough in this ride that I’m not worried about Hulk, but I'm worried about ME. We’re already in line and I have goosebumps.

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Oh my god even Nat is wigged out

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Do you want to keep your thumbs, Wilson?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
@scarletwitch almost peed herself on Snow White

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I’M PREGNANT-- THAT HAPPENS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Not when you’re barely 4 months along

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Peter Benjamin Parker

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Suddenly I am turning my phone on airplane mode so she can’t track me down

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I’m fine. But I think we scarred my fucking children for life. Also I thought Maria was going to shoot the animatronics at one point

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
She was. Thankfully she only had an empty nerf gun in her holster because she can’t carry on Disney property.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
So what i’m hearing is that she willingly brought an empty nerf gun?!?!

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
LET ME HAVE MY TRAUMA IN PEACE BARTON

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Yes ma'am

~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
In case anyone was wondering, Haunted Mansion was worth the wait and no one peed

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Your phone isn’t on airplane mode anymore…

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Why did Peter just scream in the middle of waiting for Winnie the Pooh?

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Nevermind.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yes we’re going on Winnie the Pooh. Fight us.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Okay why was that more unsettling than Haunted Mansion?

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Okay apparently we’re putting Dumbo on hold until after lunch and going to do Snow White??? Goddamnit.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Whoops

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
OH THANK GOD PAY UP @thor

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m sorry??? THOR??? WHEN DID YOU AND THOR BET??

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Yesterday. It was impromptu.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Obviously because I wasn’t included--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also we’re in line for Snow White now and hi I’m scared

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
GASP MAYBE I’LL PEE AND WANDA AND I CAN BE TWINS

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
1. I DIDN’T PEE YOU ASSHOLE 2. EW

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
What the fuck

Chad (endearing) @thor
Why would you want to be twins with Wanda, she already had a twin brother?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Someone else explain twinning to Thor please

~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yes, Snow White is scarier, but Winnie the Pooh is more unsettling.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Agreed

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Agreed

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Yeah what Peter said

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Yup

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Yeah wtf was Winnie the Pooh that was equally as weird but less scary

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
I didn’t like either of them

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Me either, Lo. Not good.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also: LUNCHTIMEEEE . We’ll be back to tweeting shortly

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re back and all going to Small World together!!! Billy, Tommy, Shuri,Pepper, Loki, and Thor aren’t going on it. The rest of us totally are, so the others are going to try not to lose Wanda & Vision’s kids

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay I am Scared™ but Harley’s face will be very worth it

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Update we are off the ride and I am traumatized. You know that part of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the wax dolls catch on fire and melt and whatever? It felt like that was gonna happen any minute. No thank you

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Anywayyy i did make a quick video compilation of the clips I got - attachment
[video 1: Harley, boarding one of the boats to enter the ride. They’re in one of the middle rows, and Harley looks back, his face already half-scared, half-amused.]
[video 2: the camera spins, showing the whole group sitting mostly comfortably in the boat. The row ahead of the camera, the front one, has Bucky, Steve, and Sam. The second row holds the cameraperson (Peter), Harley, and Tony. The third and fourth row, respectively, hold Wanda, Vision, Nat, Maria, Bruce, and Clint. Half of the boat’s inhabitants look skeptical, the other half excited.]
[video 3: The boat enters the first tunnel, and the Small World song plays. Harley looks mildly terrified, and Sam happens to look back.
“Steve and Bucky are way too okay with everything that is happening in here,” Sam whispers. “How the hell are you two not terrified?” he asks, looking at the couple.
“Have you ever seen ‘Doctor X’? We thought that would be the best movie to watch when we were 15. As a teen in the 30s with no exposure to horror, that changes a person,” Bucky says, leaning over Steve, who pushes them back across his lap.]
[video 4: “IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALLLL--” Clint sings obnoxiously, only cut off by Maria not-so-subtly pinching his arm. “OW--” and then it was Bruce’s hand over his mouth.
“Shut the hell up, huh-- oh you did not just fucking lick me,” Bruce says, leveling a Look at Clint, who has the decency to look sheepish.]
[video 5: the song is currently transitioning into Swedish, and Harley is looking around at the dancing dolls in horror.
“What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?!” he whispers. Peter is giggling behind the camera.]
[video 6: “È un mondo di risate
Un mondo di lacrime
È un mondo di speranze
E un mondo di paure
C'è così tanto che condividiamo
Che è ora che ce ne rendiamo conto
Dopotutto è un piccolo mondo…” the Italian version of the song plays, and Harley is still looking around in terror and what’s beginning to look more and more like exhaustion.
“It sounds like children singing some sort of cult song in different languages,” Harley sighs, head in his hands. Bucky hears him, and they turn around to look at him funny, already laughing.
“Ah shit, it does--” Bucky says, turning back around.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
It’s like a 15 minute ride, guys. I was not about to video the entire thing.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I think I broke my boyfriend. Oh well, he has a sister. Hey @abigailkeener

Abby Sucks @abigailkeener
No ew gross you already kissed my brother. Cooties. BACK 🤺 BACK I SAY 🤺

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Skjdksjfkjsk

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
DUMBO. FINALLY

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I’m marrying a man-child

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You didn’t already know that???

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Shut up peter

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Nope. Moving on before Steve gets me--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We are in fact going on Dumbo! And Harley hates heights and gets mild motion sickness. So we’ll see how this goes.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
It didn’t go well. There was light-headedness and dizzy spells. Also general nausea.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I had fun, though!

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Next: Steve’s payback. Bucky is going on the Mad Hatter’s TeaCups while the rest of us ride Alice in Wonderland!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I Am Not Happy

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Didja throw up????

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
attachment
[image: Bucky, flipping off the camera. They’re sitting on a bench and looking very nauseous.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So no?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We just met up and it was confirmed. No.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
This makes me think that Splash Mountain might need to be a sit-out ride for a few people. Thoughts @tonystark @natasharomanov?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You know you’re walking next to me, you could just ask

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
But this is funnier because you type like an old man

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You’re an assole

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I know <3

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
So I’ve been tasked with tweeting updates for now because everyone going on the ride didn’t want their phones to get wet.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
So sitting out we have: me, Vis and the boys, Bucky, Harley, Bruce, and Sam. Sam is just tired and wants to have a quick nap while we wait

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
This is so boring nothing is happening, but I’ll try to get a video of the group on the drop. We’ve got a while to go.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Also, fun fact that like 6 people actually care about: Vis and I have an announcement that I haven’t even told Peter…

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
We had an anatomy scan last week and we may or may not be finding out the baby’s sex tomorrow!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Kskjskfjskfj wait really?

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I have your phone…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I have a smart watch

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Post splash mountain - attachment
[image: a selfie of everyone who went on Splash Mountain. Everyone is smiling to some degree and mostly looking at the camera, and everyone is soaked.]

Chad (endearing) @thor
I liked that ride?

Chad (endearing) @thor
I feel like I wasn’t supposed to. Natasha didn’t

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Thor--

Chad (endearing) @thor
I’m scared. I’m also supposed to say that we’re going on Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain next.

Gushy @thatweirdo
I love Space Mountain!

Quinn @probablynothuman
May we leave ride suggestions for you guys? Or snack options or whatever?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Of course! Please. I want to know: is the Dole Whip Cult worth it?

Ophelia @spaghettibish
NO

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
YES

clever username @hyperfixationstation
I mean. Okay. The pineapple is not. But the raspberry? So. Incredible.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Message not at all received I got so many mixed answers. But I think the answer is just to order a few of each and let everyone share and decide that way

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay so here is our final verdict (we tried these on the way to Space Mountain/in line for Space Mountain btw so we kinda rushed)
8/18 of us prefer the raspberry
4/18 prefer the pineapple
6/18 liked mango best

astra maris @certifiedilflover
that actually makes sense. Let me guess: Natasha preferred mango, Peter preferred raspberry, and Bruce can't get enough of the pineapple?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Burn the witch!!!

astra maris @certifiedilflover
I don’t wanna talk about how quickly I guessed this…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
To be fair… I predicted who would like what and I got like 90% of them right…

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay. Post-Space Mountain Impressions

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I think I can speak for everyone when I say: My fucking neck hurts

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
yeahhhh

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Someone better give me a neck massage

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Update: Billy gives a decent neck massage for a literal toddler

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Tommy spent that entire time period climbing me like a jungle gym. Like Thor was RIGHT there

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re rounding out the Mountain rides and doing Thunder Mountain next!! This is supposedly a fan favorite, and I’m excited!!!

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
One year I’m ‘tall, handsome, evil, mysterious Loki’... 8 years later and this is my life - attachment
[image: a photo of Loki taken by another member of the group, one of Wanda and Vision’s twins on his shoulders.]

Loki is my Spouse!!! @yesiloveloki
I mean… you’re still all of those things, except for evil. And technically, you did say once that you were being majorly manipulated and mind-controlled when the manipulation stopped working?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
He agrees with you (he can’t tweet back because he’s occupied with keeping Tommy from falling off of his shoulders)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
In line for Thunder Mountainnnn I’m so excited

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Okay okay hear me out. Before you go tonight, maybe before fireworks if you’re staying for them, stop by a bakery and get those iced sugar cookies. Life. Changing.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Wait that sounds amazing. @tonystark can we can we can we can we

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Would it make a difference if I said no?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Nope. Besides making me sad that I would have to sneak around to do it.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Thought so. Sure, kid, let’s do it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yay!

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
Okay, but why is the queue line for Thunder Mountain so awesome? Like, of all the Disney lines I’ve been in today, and there were a LOT, this is my favorite.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
I think the Buzz Lightyear line was my favorite.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Haunted Mansion line was mine

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Okay okay hear me out: the Snow White line. The ride was creepy and all, but the queue line was really pretty cool

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Guys guys guys we’re almost at the front of the lineeee

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Everyone else was in front of us - attachment
[image: a selfie of Peter and Harley in one car, Tony and Bruce behind them, and Natasha and Maria behind them.]

~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THAT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WAS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
AWESOME

Vizzy @thevision
I stayed behind with the twins, and that was an adventure in its own right. It did look like fun, though. I have discovered today that I dislike most rides that have sharp turns or too much spinning.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Going on that ride while pregnant probably wasn’t my wisest decision. But it was fun. I WILL be throwing up this time <3

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Definitely my favorite ride of the day

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Next… the carousel.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Nat’s excited for this one. She won’t admit it. But she is

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
She’s gonna kill me, isn’t she. I don’t wanna look.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Let’s put it this way. She’s staring you down so hard that she can probably see your phone screen. Don’t turn around

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fuck.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Did she just… tweet a blank space

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
She did. I can't save you now, kiddo

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I have resigned myself to my fate.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I just signed my own death certificate, but this is cute and Nat is my best friend and I’m glad she’s happy. Come at me bitch - attachment
[image: Natasha on a carousel horse looking uncharacteristically giddy, Maria watching her with a fond face]

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
Oh you’re so far gone, Barton.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Thank the universe for Bucky and Thor, who are literally holding back the world’s deadliest assassin, aka Aunt Nat.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay soooo we’re gonna take a twitter break because 1. It’s tiring and 2. If Nat DOES kill Clint, we don’t want there to be anymore proof of premeditation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well that only lasted a few hours. But hey. It’s almost fireworks time!!! We are currently buying the last of the frosted cookies from the bakery on Main Street

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
attachment
[video: the entire group sitting on a group of stone benches with their desserts, watching and waiting for the fireworks. Steve and Tony talk across Sam and Bruce to each other, Natasha and Clint are arguing. Harley and Loki can be heard discussing some book or another, and Shuri and Pepper are laughing together.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
It’s happening, people-- i’ve wanted to see these fireworks my entire life.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
As one of the few here without a significant other (someone date me pleaseee) I felt like it would be wrong of me to not take these incredibly sweet photos. Plus, I’ve seen the show before, so I’m not missing it - attachments
[image: Natasha and Maria, both smiling at the fireworks illuminating their faces. Natasha is pulling Maria close with an arm around her waist, resting her cheek against Maria’s shoulder.]
[image: Steve and Bucky, but while Bucky looks at the sky, Steve is watching Bucky. It’s impossible to call the look on his face anything but adoration, the couple’s hands clasped together. Their faces are illuminated blue and green with the fireworks.]
[image: Bruce and Tony, Tony is leaning back against Bruce’s chest, head nestled under his chin. Bruce has his arm draped over Tony’s shoulder to loosely hold one of his hands. Their faces flash red in the light.]
[image: Peter and Harley, light covering them in neon pink. Peter is leaned into Harley’s chest, one arm raised up to settle a hand in Harley’s hair, and one of Harley’s arms is resting on Peter’s leg, where Peter’s free hand holds onto it, the other points towards the sky. Harley’s posture is slightly stooped, and he’s grinning as he whispers something to Peter, likely about what he’s pointing to, and Peter is mid-laugh in response.]
[image: Wanda and Vision are mostly blocked by the stroller that contains two sleeping toddlers, but Wanda is laid across the bench, head resting on Vision’s lap. One hand rests on her stomach, the other is mid-reach for one of Vision’s hands. Both watch the sky, illuminated red by the fireworks.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well I think I just found my new wallpaper. I legit love you @shuri19

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I know those seemed half-staged, but really it was just good timing on Shuri’s part. It wasn’t a perfect fairytale day, but that’s what made it fun. We’re headed back to the van now, I’m half carrying Harley, and Clint is rubbing his eyes like a kid. We’re all so tired, guys.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
We might have to put off finding out the gender scan results another day because I actually want everyone awake for them. And I might not even be awake for them tomorrow. I’m beat, Vis and the boys are beat, I need a fucking coma.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
It’s been incredible. Thank you, Disney, for the obscene amounts of souvenirs and the wonderful memories. We have a horde of photos, watch the official Avengers Instagram for the best ones.

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
I will definitely return to DisneyLand one day. I think it would be wonderful to come back and ride the Jungle Cruise, which was closed today.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
I’m half asleep so thank god for autocorrect but: goodbye, disneyland

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Good morning and goodnight. I’m beat

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Yeah, we’re all exhausted. Come back tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well we all just spent the last 24 hours napping and watching movies. We are now mostly alive again.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Alright boys, girls and non-binary peeps-- Loki and Shuri now have the results of the anatomy scan! Shuri promised some sort of not-so-dramatic reveal. It’s actually more of a name reveal than anything, Lucy Elaine for a girl, Charlie James if it’s a boy.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
For everyone already coming for me, I am growing a human being, and I don’t care what’s between their legs, but I am curious and I don’t like surprises. And if, one day, I need to hold a second name-reveal party for either of them or both of them, I’m more than willing to do that. Actual Gender (or Lack Thereof) Reveals are always on the table <3 These kids will be so loved no matter what

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Oh god. Riot time - attachment
[video: Shuri is standing in front of the gathered group of Avengers and co. Loki has chosen to sit this out, but he has a knowing look on his face.
“Wanda and Vision, you’ve done it again! Just a year and a half after Billy and Tommy, you’re right back at a new name reveal. I’m more-than-ready to announce, after holding onto this secret for less than an hour, that in mid-November of 2021, Lucy Elaine Maximoff will meet the world!”
Everyone starts to clap.
“But wait!” Shuri calls. “There’s more! Wanda, you better pick out another name, because Baby Girl #2 will also come calling in November!”
“Oh fuck me--” Wanda says loudly, Vision’s hand clapping over her mouth before she can finish. Suddenly, Vision yanked his hand away.
“You licked me!” he half-shouted.
“Well I had to get your hand away somehow!” Wanda insisted. “Kennedy Marie Maximoff will be Baby Girl #2.”
“If it were 2 boys again, would you name the second one Peter?” asked the would-be namesake from the back row.
Wanda laughed. “Absolutely, bud,” she nodded, and Vision agreed.
“Wait, hold on--” Peter said, clearly flustered now.
“We did discuss it, Peter. We discussed all of your names, but in the end, the second name would have been Peter Clinton--”
“Only because Peter and Clint don’t go well, so we changed it to Clinton!!” Wanda interjected.
“--what Wanda said, yes,” Vision said.
Both Peter and Clint seem to have been rendered speechless.
“While those two pick their jaws up off the floor…” Shuri said. “We’re all going to try Wanda’s pregnancy cravings!!!”]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I swear to god we have video of all of us trying her cravings, I’m uploading it to YouTube later!!

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Forget the YouTube video, I’m holding to my promise. Second set of twins? RIOT TIME

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WHO’S RIOTING WITH US?!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay nobody is rioting with us but that’s fine, we’ll have a mini-riot that literally won’t change anything because they are children in-utero!!!

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You guys are so weird

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We know <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay so hold on I have important news

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
When @thor was younger, he wanted to be a Valkyrie, and cried when he found out they were A) no longer serving Asgard because most of them were, yknow, murdered by his sister. We kinda knew that

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT THOR, GOD OF LESBIANS, HIMBOS, AND THUNDER??? ASKED FOR OKOYE’S AUTOGRAPH WHEN HE FIRST MET HER BECAUSE, AND I QUOTE FROM SHURI: “you ladies are the new Valkyries!!! I always loved the Valkyries, wanted to be one when I grew up.”

owls @owo
Oh shut up no way.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THERE’S MORE. APPARENTLY T’CHALLA TOLD THOR LATER THAT DAY THAT HE HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO BE APART OF THE DORA MILAJE. AND CRIED WHEN HIS PARENTS TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST FOR GIRLS--

owls @owo
I love Thor and T’Challa so much they really drink their “respect women” juice huh?

Chad (endearing) @thor
I do not know exactly what that means, but I do respect women, they are very strong and kind. Except for Hela. We don’t talk about her.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Oh lord help me I’m dating a supergenius who simultaneously has the IQ of a kitchen cabinet.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HEY--

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
No no. That’s valid. You’re an idiot.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
@fridaytheai roll the clip

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
attachment - sent by Tony Stark
[video: everyone is in the Malibu training room, paired off and sparring at various levels of intensity. Tony and Peter are working on self-defense.
“Okay, kiddo,” Tony starts. “I’ve taught you all of the basics. Now I’m gonna pretend to be a mugger, you try and stop me.”
“Okay,” Peter shrugs. Tony backs up a few feet before walking quickly towards Peter and grabbing his shoulders.
“Give me all your money,” Tony growls.
“Bold of you to assume I have any money, Mr. Robber Sir.” Peter says.
“Money, kid. Now.”
“No thank you!” Peter says brightly, smiling before jabbing his knee forward, catching it before it hits Tony. He shrugs off his mentor. “And then you jab them in the crotch, instep of the foot, get them in the eyes, and punch them in the nose for good measure, blah blah blah.”
“Peter, you can’t actually tell a robber ‘no thank you’. You’re aware of that, right???” Tony asks.
“You’re lucky I resisted kissing you on the nose before going to knee you in the balls,” Peter shrugged.
“Hold on, what did I just miss,” Clint calls from the other side of the room.]

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
If we’re talking chaos, please see the following which I found on one of Peter’s hidden cameras that he uses to mess with Steve. Clearly he hadn’t turned this one off yet. - attachment
[video: Tony comes up from the garage with Peter, and there are a ton of grocery bags around their feet. Tony picks up like 7 and carries them to the counter. Peter leaves without one, sitting at the counter.
“Peter?” Tony calls. “Would you carry this one for me?”
“I don’t know that I can carry anything else on top of the weight of my sins,” Peter says immediately.
“I-- just pick up the damn grocery bag, Peter.”]

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
This reminds me of the time Thor called me a thot because SOMEONE told him it was slang for “thoughtful friend”

larn @timetravellerlarn
HE WHAT

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Yeah. I still haven’t figured out who actually did it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
*snicker*

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I mean. Chaos was mentioned. Should I bring up when Steve used to address AND SIGN his texts. Ex: “Dear Peter, Hello. Sincerely, Steve Rogers”. I’m so serious.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
That was hilarious. I have so many screenshots.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Spidey isn’t here to eat me, so I can fully expose him right now. When we first met, I was trying to get an idea of the range of his powers. This jackass tells me: “heightened senses, enhanced speed, agility and stamina, yo mamma jokes.” And of course, how the fuck is that a superpower. This depressed fucker says “well Mr. Stark, my mom is dead. I can make a joke but no one can say anything back” and I--

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
YOU ASSHOLE-- come on that was funny

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Spidey. I didn’t know your mom was dead. Even a little bit. That was how you TOLD ME your mom was dead.

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
And…?

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Okay, last one before we all beat each other up. Spidey and Shuri are really annoying in a fight. They quote vines the entire time. The first time it happened though, Spidey yelled, from the sidelines mind you. “CAN I GET A WAFFLE” and LITERALLY FROM 50 FEET AWAY, Shuri yelled back “CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE.” and we were all so confused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
Oh my god if Tony had a heart it would have just stopped.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
It’s 2:28 A.M. what the fuck Bruce.

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
attachment - sent by Dr. Bruce Banner
[security video: Tony and Bruce are sleeping when Peter and Shuri walk in. Peter stands over Tony until he wakes up just a minute later with a scream, sending Bruce shooting up in bed, too, looking around.
“So, we-- stop screaming it’s us-- we had an idea.” Peter says.
“Who the hell is WE?!” Tony pants.
“We had this idea--” Shuri says from the right of Tony’s face.
“Oh holy hell there are two--” Tony groans, pushing both of their faces away and rolling over onto his chest.]

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Ah. That’s who screamed.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
So you didn’t come look?

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Nah. If it had been a real problem, there would have been more than one person screaming.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Hi. I present to you, a thing that just happened. Everyone was in the living room, except for Peter, Tony, Steve and I. We were in the kitchen cooking.
Peter: Onion rings are just veggie doughnuts. - Tony: sure, kiddo - Peter: Your stomach has never seen potatoes as anything but mashes - Tony: cool, pete. - Peter: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. - Tony: *staring off into space* - Peter, oblivious to Tony’s breakdown: Lobsters are the scorpion version of mermaids. - Tony, actively crying now: kid. I’m begging you to stop. - Steve, having been fascinated this whole time: no, please continue.

Ophelia @spaghettibish
How chaotic ARE you guys?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Very very chaotic. That’s why we get along so well. `

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We had to teach Steve a LOT before he reached modern chaos levels, but he was already pretty chaotic. Hence, the swear jar.

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I still can’t believe he did that.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
The first time he said ‘fuck’ in front of me, i handed him the jar, even though it was out of use at the time. Just to see his face.

Chapter Text

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
Who’s ready for The Surprise?

Shhh… it’s a secret @avengersassemblequietly
Couldn’t we just have a group chat? - Maria

Harley’s Boyfriend @peterparker
You’re no fun. Hold on

-----------------
Surprise!!!
Peter added: Maria, Sam, Tony, Bruce, Bucky, Nat, Clint, Harley, Wanda, Vision, Loki, Thor, Pepper, Shuri
Peter: Maria is boring
Maria: STEVE HAS THE LOGIN TO THAT ACCOUNT???
Peter: where’s your sense of risk?
Tony: Peter
Peter: Daaaadddddd
Tony: Peter
Peter: haha I’m about to get Yelled At. Moving on: Steve’s Surprise Party. Bucky, thoughts?
Bucky: Don’t go over the top. Don’t scare him too bad. I’ll get him out for the afternoon.
Bruce: What type of cake does Steve like?
Bucky: Carrot cake, it’s disgusting.
Peter: Degenerate--
Harley: carrot cake it is, buck. thx
Sam: WTF do we get him? Not like we can get him a new shield or anything
Shuri: Speak for yourselves, peasants. I live on a rock of Vibranium. I could special order one and have it here by tonight. But I won’t.
Peter: this is the time you pick to NOT pull the Princess card???
Shuri: <3
Nat: pay attention, kids. What are we getting Steve?
Tony: I mean… there’s always an island
Bucky: veto
Bruce: Veto.
Peter: Ve🦶
Tony: ?
Peter: Ve-TOE
Harley: Good god.
Peter: what if we renovated Steve’s art studio back home? Expanded it and gave him more shelves/restocked them?
Thor: I like Peter’s idea very much
Bruce: why did Tony just sigh
Bruce: oh. Because Peter had a real idea and not buying an island
Tony: dick text, Banner
Bruce: Islands are not a valid birthday gift, Tones
Pepper: so we’ve decided on the art studio
Clint: yup
Wanda: Absolutely. We’ll chip in too!!
Harley: yeah
Sam: sounds good to me
Peter: Dad agrees too, he’s just pouting
Pepper: okay, sounds good. I’ll make a few calls in the morning!
Maria: Nat and I are on decorations. We’ll go to the store tomorrow.
Bucky: I’ll take Steve out for a late birthday date
Loki: Maybe I’m missing something, But wasn’t the Captain’s birthday a few weeks ago?
Peter: Yeah, it was on July 4th. But since we were packing up to leave on the 4th, and Pep, Tony, and Maria have been busy almost the whole time we’ve been here. But we wanted to throw Steve a party before we head back home. So it’s almost a month late but it’s happening!
Loki: ahh. Understood.
--------------

~~~~~~~~~~~`One Week Later

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Ewww Bucky is taking Steve on a ROMANTIC date

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
You’re jealous because Harley hasn’t taken YOU out since we got here

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No you’re just old and it’s gross

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
I know we’ve said it before, but you are such an asshole

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
We’re teenagers. It’s in the job description.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
What he said

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Please excuse Bucky, they get annoyed when we call them old.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Gays and theys. Behave yourselves.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Why am I always getting lectured :(

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Really-- did you really just ask that--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I did <3 answer me

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I love you to death kid. But you get lectured because you are not only an instigator, but an asshole

Gushy @thatwierdo
Honest IronDad :)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We love IronDad. Tony’s pretty great

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
The boys are looking good - attachment
[image: Steve and Bucky in button-ups and jeans, holding hands and smiling at the camera]

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Taking my best guy out for a late birthday celebration - attachment
[image: Steve and Bucky sitting in the back of a car, Bucky is kissing Steve’s cheek]

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
Where are you guys going?

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
He won’t TELL me. They know it drives me crazy to not know, so here we are. In a car.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I know where you’re goinggggg

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Don’t mind him, there was an experiment involving coffee cake. He can’t have that, either.

Emmaline @scienceboyfriends1
Thats so sad Siri play “good 4 u” bu Olivia Rodrigo

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BRO I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SONG DIDN’T EXIST BEFORE NOW--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
BRUTAL IS MY DAMN ANTHEM, AND GOOD 4 U???? OH GOD

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Where was this for all the breakups I’ve ever been through

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hold on like half of these idiots have never heard this song one minute.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Update: Wanda is dragging Nat into dancing with her, Clint (one of like 4 who already knew the song) is screaming the words, and Shuri evidently has an established routine to this song.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Dance break is over, back to being busy ✌️

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Well they’re just the love of my life no biggie (they didn’t realize I was taking the third photo and may kill me for posting it) - attachments
[image: Bucky sitting on a swing in a park, laughing at the camera]
[image: Bucky walking next to the camera, sticking his tongue out at the camera and flipping it off]
[image: A slightly blurry photo, Bucky is smiling in the softest way in Steve’s direction]

Uncle Bucky Barnes White Wolf Sir @buckybarnes
Okay, I’m putting my pronouns in my name because the amount of people who are coming at Steve and Peter and everyone for using one pronouns or the other is killing me.

-------------
Cap’s Bitch -> Spider-Jerk
Cap’s Bitch: what’s my name in your phone
Spider-Jerk: uhhh. Why?
Cap’s Bitch: Twitter name
Spider-Jerk: Cap’s Bitch.
Cap’s Bitch: I hate you.
Spider-Jerk: I hate me too
Cap’s Bitch: Peter, no.
Spider-Jerk: peter, yes.
------------

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
It has been done. Now for the love of god drop it.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
I’m going back to my date.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-------------------
Surprise!!!
Peter, Maria, Sam, Tony, Bruce, Bucky, Nat, Clint, Harley, Wanda, Vision, Loki, Thor, Pepper, Shuri
Bucky: getting hard to stall here, what’s the deal?
Peter: almost done! The cake wasn’t done when Nat and Maria went to get it, and Pepper is TRYING to get the people working on the studio to send a decent photo/video. How far out are you?
Bucky: 30 minutes, 40 if I work some magic.
Peter: I’m not going to ask in case I’m scarred by the answer. But… keep it close to 40 if you can. Have Happy drive slowly.
Wanda: what Pete said. Working fast. Not fast enough. Clint fell and got tangled in the paper streamers and broke them. Tony is flying out to get more.
Bucky: disasters, all of you. I’ll try.
Peter: Sam is turning on “Find-a-Friend” for you, Bucky. So we can keep track of how close you are and how much we need to panic
--------------------

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hi panicking I’m dad

astra maris @certifiedilflover
Why??? Exactly are you panicking?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Stressful situation, I do my best work under stress. So this is good but I am Not Having A Good Time

astra maris @certifiedilflover
Valid have a good day

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SUCCESS

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
???

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
He’s being cryptic because he has to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Heheh we did itttt

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
What did we learn tonight, children?

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
That you scream like a small child when scared?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
He totally does

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But thank you all anyway <3

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You’re welcome <3

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
Mr. Beter Barker sir, can we know what’s going on now?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Happy Belated Birthday, Steve!!! - attachments
[video: clip 1: Peter holding the camera to face himself.
“Okay guys. We’re putting together a surprise party for Steve while he and Bucky are out all afternoon, and everyone has a job. The man likes carrot cake, which is a crime, so Nat and Maria are picking up a chocolate cake AND a carrot cake. Clint is putting up the streamers, Harley and Tony are on balloons, I just made jalapeno dip, and everyone else is making other various snacks and doing decorations. Pepper is in charge of his present because she’s scary enough to make it happen in time,” Peter narrates.
Peter then turns the camera around and tours the main areas, aka the kitchen and living room. Clint is indeed up on a ladder stringing up streamers, while Harley and Tony blow up balloons with alternating helium and air, so some will linger near the ceiling and the rest will bounce through the crowd’s feet.
Loki and Thor are in the kitchen arguing over a mixing bowl while Bruce sits nearby, supervising. Sam is taking some balloons and a drop-background and creating a photo wall.
“What happened to a photobooth?” Sam grumbled.
“Claustrophobia,” Peter said. “But it’s looking great! If we have extra posterboard, you should make a sign that says something about old people and Instagram. Or I can do it if you’re busy with other stuff.”
“We can figure it out later,” Sam nodded.
Wanda and Vision were sitting at the table with the boys helping them draw cards.
“Very abstract, boys! I’m loving it!” Peter cheered. “High five, high five!” he said as he held his hand out for high fives from both toddlers.
clip 2: “Okay, time to panic. Nat and Maria aren’t back with the cake because they aren’t finished with the carrot cake yet, Tomy had to go out for more streamers because Clint fell and brought them all down with him, and they broke because they’re paper, and Bucky and Steve are headed back soon because Steve is getting suspicious and they’re out of stuff to do.” Peter said from his seat at the table in front of a massive poster board and a ton of markers. “But I’m almost done with the photo wall sign! It says ‘News Flash Old-Timers: You’re Supposed to POST Photos on Instagram. So Take Some!!!’. It’s nothing special, it’s just the perfect occasion to call Steve old,” he said, shrugging.
“Brownies are successfully complete!!!” Thor’s voice calls from the kitchen.
“That’s great, Thor! Why don’t you go see if you can help with the decor in the living room?”
“Wonderful! Are you coming, brother?” Thor asks someone, probably Loki.
“No.” comes Loki’s flat reply.
clip 3: The camera is surveying the entire living room, set on a tripod most likely, where Clint stands on Thor’s shoulders hanging up streamers once more, Peter and Bruce spotting the pair. Loki looks on from the couch. Tony, Harley, Vision, and Sam are working on hanging up a birthday banner above the currently-empty snack table.
Suddenly, floating trays of food and two cakes come into the room, followed by Wanda, a twin on one hip and the other holding her hand. Natasha and Maria follow her.
“The cakes are here!” she announces. Just then, Sam’s phone dings. He checks it.
“They’re pulling onto the street!” he says, and the room descends into chaos.
Peter dives for the lights, Thor lifts Clint down from his shoulders, and everyone else ducks behind the massive sectional, even Loki.
“Boys, what do we say when Bucky and Steve come in?” Vision asks the twins, heard but not seen.
“Surprise!” they exclaim.
“Perfect!” Maria breaks in. “But until they walk in we have to be super silent, just like Uncle Peter. See how quiet and still he is. Be just like that until we all jump up, okay?”
“Mhmm.” two quiet voices mumble.
“Awesome. Also, they’re getting out of the car,” Sam whispers.
clip 4: time jump about 30 seconds. The door opens and Steve and Bucky are seen silhouetted in the doorway.
“Hello?” Steve calls. Obviously, no response. “Maybe they went out?”
“Maybe, doll,” comes Bucky’s unbothered reply. They walk into the dark living room, and Steve flicks the lights on. The whole group jumps up.
“SURPRISE!!!!” everyone yells, and the twins clap and laugh.
Steve, on the other hand, jumps a foot in the air.
“What the fuck?” he asks, gasping for breath and holding Bucky’s shoulder.
“Language!!!” Clint says cheerfully.
“Happy belated birthday, Stevie,” Bucky grins. Steve cuffs them on the shoulder, shooting a glare at Clint.
“So that’s what the sudden late birthday date was all about, huh?” he asked, smirking.
“I would have done it anyway. This was just a plus,” his fiance shrugged.
Finally Steve steps forward to survey the room, and people start filing out from behind the sectional.
“D’you like it?” Peter asks, practically bouncing. Steve ruffles his hair.
“It’s awesome, kiddo. I love it.”
“I HAVE RETURNED!!!” Pepper calls out, entering through the kitchen. “Happy birthday, Cap.”
She hands him her computer, a video playing. Steve watches the video, eyes wide and mouth gaping.
“You… my studio. You guys didn’t have to--” he starts, backing away.
“We wanted to, doll. You deserve it,” Bucky says gently, grabbing their fiance’s hand. “It was Pete’s idea.”
Steve grabs Peter in a massive hug at that.
“So you like it?” Peter squeaked from the hug.
“I love it. Thank you so much,” Steve said for the second time in 10 minutes.
“Group hug!!!” Harley called, and everyone converged on the two who were already hugging. Even Loki kind of leaned in until Thor grabbed him and pulled him closer.
clip 5 - 8: clips from the party, Peter using the camera to get way too close to people’s faces and the group telling shitty jokes]

Genevieve (she/her) @homemadesocks
That was. The most. Wholesome. Video. Ever.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I feel like we REALLY should get back to doing actual YouTube videos.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@tonystark can we do a group Q & A when we get back to NY?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Sure.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Wait fr???

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Yeah, why not. Maybe we can all stop being incessantly tagged in questions. Now pay attention to the movie

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Y’all tweet your questions to #AvengersAsks and we’ll make a video when we get back!

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Thanks to this wonderful group for one of my best birthdays ever (photo credit to RedWing) - attachment
[image: an aerial photo of the entire group in a group hug. Everyone is looking up and squinting as they grin, Steve’s the biggest of all in the middle. One twin is on Thor’s shoulders and the other is on Bruce’s.]

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
We’re home, unpacked, rested, and ready to film a Q&A!!! Sadly, not everyone can be here, but I’ll text anyone who’s not here and screenshot their answers and insert them into the video

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Filming today, editing tomorrow, should be ready in like… 3 days??? ✌️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Official Stark Industries @starkindustries
If you were not invited or if you did not receive a ticket, please join our livestream on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021 for an important press conference

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No. Tony, Spidey, Pepper nor I cannot say anything before you ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Video is on youtube, and it’s linked here too! - attachment
[video: Nat, Maria, Steve, Bucky, Peter, Tony, Harley, Clint, Bruce, Loki, and Thor all sit around the common room in Stark Industries Tower.
“Helloooo YouTube!!!” Peter greets the camera with a smile. “Today we’re going to do a quick Q&A under the @AvengersAsk tag. As you can see, not everyone could be here, so we’ll message the missing ones and get screenshots of their answers. Let’s get started! Harley gets the honor of the first question, which is: ‘I know how you met Stark, but how did you get him to keep in touch?’”
Harley grins and smirks at Tony. “Honestly I emailed him and called him like once a day until he started responding, he even came back for a visit just a few months after he left. Eventually he was sending gifts on birthdays and holidays, coming to visit, he flew me and my sister out to New York once, which was awesome. He just became this really annoying and amazing presence,” Harley answers.
“All I seem to remember is Pepper saying that the company email was being flooded by a ‘[email protected]’, so I figured I would call the number you sent a million and one times and teach you a thing or two,” Tony winks.
“I resent that--” Harley is stopped by Peter’s hand covering his mouth.
“Don’t lick me,” Peter says quickly, shooting Harley a glare he had definitely learned from Pepper. “The next question is for… oh! It’s for, quote-unquote, ‘everyone but mainly Peter’. The question is: ‘How did Peter get into the Avengers and Co. group?’”
“Ohhh boy. Well, Petey--” Bucky starts.
“Not my name!” Peter interjects.
“Whatever. Petey was, from what I understand, doing some not-quite-legal things with Stark Phones and other tech. Spidey found him first and they designed his tech together, right?” Bucky asks, looking at Tony.
“Yeah. So when I found Spidey, he basically led me right to Peter and said I had to give him some sort of internship because he was the only one who could get his tech right, and he could teach me if I really wanted to know. So I made him my personal intern, even though there wasn’t THAT much I taught him until a year or so in, because it was non-stop Spidey tech until then,” Tony explains.
“I didn’t really meet any of the Avengers until… oh god, mid-sophomore year, which was over a year into the… uhh, the internship,” Peter falters for a second, but moves on. “Tony and Bruce were in the lab together when I arrived one day, and I had a whole fan moment because I’m a science geek and ‘holy shit that’s Bruce Banner’. But Bruce talked to me even though I was losing my mind. He asked why Tony was hoarding Spidey and I and not letting us meet the rest of the Avengers, and there wasn’t really a good answer. So we just kinda… went to the next team dinner,” Peter shrugs like it’s no big deal. “Eventually I became like the team mascot or something, and they’re a pretty close-knit group, it really is a family, so that was kind of the next logical step. Being a part of the family, that is. I was cooking with Steve and teaching Loki to bake and training with Nat in like… maybe a month.”
“What can we say?” Steve asks. “He’s a cute little shit, and great company.”
“Appreciate it, Steve-o.”
“Really?” Steve sighs. “That’s coming back?”
“You know, if you didn’t call me PETEY--”
“Okay, enough, you two. Peter, is that the end of your answer to that last question?” Natasha interrupts. Peter nods. “Alright. Next question, then.”
“You got it, Nat. The question is for… me again. Harley, why don’t you read it out?” Peter asks, handing the phone to his boyfriend. Harley takes it and reads the question.
“Oh-- okay. So, Peter. If you had superpowers, what do you think they would be?”
He asks. Someone snorts.
“Ummm. Okay you know Honey Lemon from ’Big Hero 6’? I know it’s not technically POWERS, but I think her ability to come up with chemical formulae using the periodic table on the fly is awesome and I would probably use that ability. But for an actual power, I think I’d have something no one would ever guess. Like being super strong or something?”
This time it’s Harley who noticeably snorts.
“Don’t mind him, Spidey’s making a face at us behind the camera. Oh, oh I’m stealing your powers? Get over it, bug boy-- oh shit.”
“паук ребенок, go cool off, okay?” There’s the sound of a door closing and Peter sighs.
“Trans bro solidarity, sure,” Steve rolls his eyes.
“The next question is for Steve!” Harley interrupts, still holding the phone. “And Buck, too. This person is wondering about any wedding details you two have planned out?”
Steve and Bucky look at each other. “Well,” Bucky starts. “We know we want to get married sometime in January. We both suffered through one particularly terrible January, especially me, and we’re hoping to shine some light on that particular month. Besides that, all we know is it’s going to be a small-ish wedding and we’ve already hired Peter to make a wedding vlog for you guys.”
“We’re really not that worried about the fine details,” Steve adds. “We discussed just going to the courthouse, but we decided that we still wanted the ceremony and reception. Just a simple, not-too-over-the-top day.”
“It’s gonna be awesome. I’m really excited to get paid to go around and annoy people to talk about you guys. The next question is for… it’s for-- Harley Sadie Keener give me the phone--”
“SADIE?!” Clint shouts, cackling with glee.
“NO MY MIDDLE NAME IS JAMES. PETER PARKER YOU ARE A DEAD MAN--”
“Oop gotta run I’m a dead man,” Peter says, jumping up and sprinting off screen. Tony had already grabbed Harley before he could stand up. Peter slowly edges back into frame, grabs his phone, and sits back down.
“The sexual tension in this room is disgusting,” Natasha comments, and both boys go fire engine red.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Tony says, covering his ears. Bruce pinches him.
“Tones. They’re adults.”
“Pete still has 3 days to go!”
“Tones.” There’s just a touch of exasperation in Bruce’s voice, and Tony lets it drop.
“The next question is for all of us again! What’s something about the Avengers and Co. that no one would ever know about that isn’t confidential?” Peter asks.
“I mean… Fury told me that he personally put a cat named Goose into the custody of Area 51,” Clint shrugs.
“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you. Area 51?” Peter asks, fully turning around.
“It was a Flerken, it just LOOKS like a cat,” Maria explains, rolling her eyes.
“Oh because that makes more sense?!” Clint half-yells.
“Our next question goes to Loki and Thor!” Tony swiftly interrupts, heading off whatever ongoing argument was about to rear its head. “‘How’s Valkyrie? We haven’t heard from her in a while?’”
“Brunhilde is wonderful!” Thor booms. “She watches over Asgard whenever Loki and I are gone, and she does an honorable job!”
“There was a little bump in the road the first time we left her…” Loki mused. “She decided to play ‘I take a shot every time I feel depressed.’ And we had to explain to her that such a game already existed. It is called alcoholism.”
“Hey!!!” Peter said. “I had that talk with… well, a few of the Avengers.”
“Someone else wants to know what, quote-unquote, ‘Evil Peter’ would be like,” Clint says, having stolen Peter’s phone from Tony. The room got very quiet before everyone burst out laughing. Even Natasha was laughing.
“Most people wouldn’t take him seriously, I think,” Bruce admits. “But Peter is extremely intelligent, and if he ended up on the wrong side of things, I wouldn’t discount him at all.”
“I agree,” Steve pipes up. “But Bruce is right. No one would take him seriously, because I think Peter would act the same, it would just be a more underhanded interaction. Most people wouldn’t even know he was using them and just be like ‘Found: teenager. Overly bubbly, kind of a dumbass, likes puppies, asks about World Domination and International Trade too much.’ and we’d all just collectively sigh, if that makes sense.”
“Thanks… I think?” Peter says, looking around at the group of people nodding along to Steve’s assessment.
“It’s mostly a compliment,” Harley tells him. Peter shrugs.
“I’ll take it,” he says.
“Wow, a LOT of these questions are for Spidey and Peter. My personal favorite is for all of us, asking if Spidey and Peter actually hate each other?” Steve asks the group.
“They’re actually best friends,” Natasha admits.
“I mean… Shuri, Spidey, Pete and I are all best friends. But Pete and Spidey are so similar it’s scary. They’re the kind of best friends who are so in sync it scares people. But they spend all of their time at each other’s throats, which is what you guys see.”
“It’s a stress reliever to always have someone who’s as chaotic as you and is always willing to scream at you and argue with you,” Peter adds on.
“Working with them in the lab is annoying as hell, they barely have to talk to each other when Spidey’s tech is being worked on,” Tony rolls his eyes. “Sometimes all Peter has to say is the generic tool, and the exact one will go flying across the room.”
“Seriously. Like he’ll just call out the word wrench, and Spidey will throw exactly the one he needs, down to the size and grip he likes to use. It’s eerie,” Harley shudders.
“Okayyy, enough about Spidey and I,” Peter sighs, finally reclaiming his phone. “Someone is wondering how long the various couples have been together?”
“Oh god. Well, Wanda and Vision have been together for almost 6 years now,” Clint says thoughtfully. “Zelda and I have been for a year now, which is crazy to think about.”
“Tones and I had a platonic relationship-like arrangement for several years before we made anything official, so counting that, about 4 years. If we’re only counting official time, 8 months or so,” Bruce says, looking to his partner to confirm.
“Parker and I have been together for a little over a year now,” Harley adds.
“Ria and I got together… Christmas 2018, so almost 3 years,” Nat says after a minute. Maria nods.
“Steve and I--” Bucky begins.
“Can I guess first?” Peter asks, interrupting. At Bucky’s nod, he guesses. “78 years.”
“You’re not… insanely far off, I don’t think. We got together in what, Steve, March of ‘34?” Bucky asks, turning to their fiance.
“That sounds close. ‘34 is for sure right, give or take a month or so,” Steve agreed.
“No, I remember it was right after my birthday, because you were sick on my birthday so I went over to see you once you were better and you gave me that note.”
“What note-- oh god,” Steve sighs.
“What note?” Nat asks, leaning forward with a smirk.
“It was the love confession of the century,” Bucky laughs as Steve buries his head in their shoulder. “It was sweet, I don’t have it anymore, but I practically had it memorized. It was in my pack, which I haven’t seen since the last time I was at camp in ‘43.”
“Going back to how long we’ve been together, which was March of 1934 to today, that’s just over 87 years,” Steve says, still slightly red as he retreats from his hiding place in his partner’s shoulder.
“Ewww you’re old,” Peter jeers playfully at the pair. Bucky sticks their tongue out at him.
“I think this is our final question for the day,” Peter says. “I’ll text a few other people and add those screenshots, too, but this is it for the people right here. It’s for Nat and Clint. ‘What happened in Budapest?’ is the question. That’s a good one, because they always mention it, but none of us know.”
“I mean, we could tell you,” Clint said.
“But we’d have to kill you,” Nat smirked. Everyone stared at them.
“Okay, so that concludes this video, right, Peter?” Bruce asked, breaking the silence.
“Absolutely! After we say goodbye, I’ll include some screenshots, but that’s really it from us in this video! Say goodbye, Avengers and Co!!!” Peter said. The group waved at the camera, and it went dark.
(insert screenshots from text messages between Peter and other non-present Avengers and Co.)
An outro song plays as the video ends.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So… how did you guys like the video?

astra maris @certifiedilflover
That was… maybe the best youtube video i have EVER seen

clever username @hyperfixation_station
I’m glad to hear Valkyrie is doing well, she’s amazing

owls @owo
I’m sorry, is anyone else going to comment on the fact that Steve and Bucky have been together for 87 years?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I gave them some shit for it, but honestly it amazes me. It also puts into perspective how long they were in their respective situations. They were together for nearly 10 years BEFORE everything, and they’ve been back together for coming up on 5 more years, so that’s only 15 actual years of dating. They just didn’t break up in the interlude.

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Thats… trippy???

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I know…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
We just finished dinner and I think Pete has finally let his guard down and thinks we’re not going to post birthday messages. So…

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Happy birthday, bud. You’re the best sidekick in the lab that I could ask for. I love you, kid - attachments
[image: Peter, blowing out his birthday candles.]
[image: Peter and Tony in a selfie, Peter is making a face and Tony is laughing at him.]
[image: Peter and Tony smiling after Peter receives an award.]

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
с днём рождения, питер. Я люблю вас

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Happy Birthday, Petey-Pie. You’re going to kick ass at adult life. - attachment
[image: a slightly blurry photo of Peter in a suit and glasses, standing in front of his mirror, his reflection showing a grin.]

Fuckwad Numero Uno @biderman
I guess I like you sometimes. When I have to. HBD, P. You’re an asshole.

Stabby Fren (she/he) @godofmischief
Happy Birthday, Peter. You are an incredible asset to this team and a wonderful friend.

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
Oh my god my best friend is 18 he’s a whole ass adult now. Happy Birth, @beterbarker - attachments
[image: Ned and Peter in what has to be middle school, doing peace signs at the camera.]
[image: Peter and Ned at graduation, holding their diplomas.]
[image: The entire AcaDec team celebrating winning at finals, cheering. Even Flash seems to have forgotten his grudge and is high-fiving MJ.]
[image: a selfie of MJ, Ned, and Peter eating pizza, Peter has cheese sticking to his chin, but all 3 are laughing.]

haha, i can call her mj @michellejones
I guess I should say something, so happy birthday loser. I hate you. @beterbarker

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Happy birthday to the love of my life, I’m so proud of you - attachment
[image: a blurry photo of Harley and Peter, foreheads touching, smiling and looking about 2 seconds away from bursting into laughter.]

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Happiest of Days of Birth to my bestest friend in the whole wide world. There’s only one you, Parker. Thank fucking god - attachments
[image: Shuri and Peter hugging right next to the elevator, Shuri just barely lifted off of her feet.]
[image: a photo taken with flash, Peter is bright red and tears are running down his face as he laughs.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I am going to murder you all. But thank you and I love you all.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Remember that there’s going to be a Stark Industries-Avengers joint press conference tomorrow afternoon, tune into our livestream if you weren’t invited to be there in person!!!

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
You guys aren’t going to want to miss this one, trust me.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
If either of you say another word I will track you down.
… but Tony is right, you don’t want to miss this one.

Ophelia @spaghettibish
I cleared my entire afternoon, I think I know what’s happening… but I’m not gonna say anything in case I jinx it or SI/Avengers people track me down and question me for knowing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

------------------
Mighty Morons
(all avengers and co.)
Peter: hi panicking i’m dad
Harley: what because I’m not panicking either?
Harley: where tf are you
Harley: someone find this man and make him take deep breaths
Peter: breathing will only keep me alive
Tony: Peter Benjamin Parker where are you?
Pepper: I second that. Peter, honey, I love you and I understand that you’re freaking out, but you don’t have long. We need you and your dad and Harley here in the next 20 minutes.
Tony: Pep. Not helping. But we’ve got it, we’ll be there.
Bucky: link - Daily News: Spidey Out Patrolling Before Big SI/Avengers Conference?
Bucky: at least Tony and Harley will be there.
Bruce: goddammit.
Steve: i second that
Nat: i third that
Tony: should i go and look for him?
Shuri: Why don’t T’Challa and I go? Might be faster.
Tony: Princess, you’ve got 15 minutes, 20 is pushing it at this point.
Shuri: on it. call Ned in case Peter decides to drop by his dorm.
Harley: Ned and MJ are here, they got tickets to the conference.
Nat: check the top of Rockefeller. He likes it up there.
Shuri: en route now. Thanks, nat.
-----12 minutes and 22 seconds later--------
Shuri: and it didn’t even take 15 minutes, anthony.
Tony: You’re on thin fucking ice--
Bruce: Tony. Shuri found Peter. Just drop it.
Shuri: he was on top of the Empire State Building. He said he thought Rockefeller would be too predictable.
Nat: I taught him well
Pepper: is he in his suit?
Shuri: dress suit or spidey suit?
Pepper: yes.
Shuri: affirmative. We’ll be there in like 3 minutes. No one panic, we’re all good.
----------------------

Quinn @probablynothuman
I was never into businesses or press conferences before SI or the Avengers… but I’m sitting on the livestream waiting with bated breath for something to happen.

renee w. @number9rainbows
2 minutessss

Official Stark Industries @starkindustries
Here’s the link to our live press conference - live.starkindustries.org

---------------------
↓↓↓Live Conference Stream↓↓↓

The camera has a perfect view of the stage set up in the SI atrium, the tops of the heads of the crowd just visible. Polite clapping breaks out as none other than Tony Stark and Steve Rogers step out onto the stage, taking their seats at the table. Slowly all the seats are filled, including but not limited to Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Pepper Potts, Natasha Romanov, Harley Keener, King T’Challa, Princess Shuri, and Bucky Barnes. The final person to enter from the wings is Spider-Man, taking a seat in the very middle of the table. Tony on his right and Steve on his left. But one chair remains open.
“Thank you so much for coming,” Pepper begins. “We know that none of you are quite sure why you’re here, we never released the topic of this conference. We do have our reasons, as I’m sure you’ll come to understand in the next few minutes. Mainly, we wanted to avoid harassment of our employees and inner circle. I’m going to go ahead and announce that we have not one but two announcements to make this afternoon. Before I give the floor to Mr. Stark, are there any questions?”
One reporter’s hand goes up and Pepper nods at them.
“Mr. Stark’s intern, Parker, right? He seems to be missing from this panel. Everyone has been under the impression that he’s vital to the company. And there’s one empty seat. I would assume that’s for him. Was he a no-show?” the journalist asks.
“Peter? He’ll be just a few minutes late, he had a prior arrangement,” Pepper answers. “Nothing else? Wonderful. Well then, I’m going to ask that you look to Mr. Stark, and please hold all questions until the end of the first announcement,” Pepper says, and then looks to Tony, who clears his throat.
“Well, let me start off by welcoming you all here today! Very high profile events, these conferences. I hope you all find them entertaining, because truly they get very old for me, but I guess it’s a perspective thing,” Tony starts, seeming to bask in the moment, where he had everyone hanging on his every word. “I guess I’ll be starting with the first announcement of this conference. Which would be… well, I’ll give Spidey the floor for this one,” the billionaire pauses, glancing at Spider-Man, who takes a breath.
“Which would be to reveal my identity,” he said, and the entire panel nodded. Most of the room gasped, just a little. “Which, hey, easier said than done. It’s nerve-wracking. There were a few legal hoops to jump through. But at the end of the day, I’m terrible at secrets, and I get a million and one questions about who I really am, my friends and I get a laugh out of it. Hence, conference. So, before I reveal who I am, take off my mask for the first time in public, I’m gonna do something kind of weird, because I want you guys to believe me, I don’t want to be branded a liar or a patsy for the real Spidey.”
With that, Spider-Man stands and walks to the back wall, up the wall, and stands on the ceiling.
“So hey, if you don’t believe me now, I don’t know what to say. But uhhh… okay.” Spidey says, and taps his watch, his suit retracting to show an impeccable suit, but no shoes. “Excuse my lack of shoes. Harder to stick to the ceiling with them on, especially those weird dress shoes. Too stiff. Okay, okay, the looks I’m getting are telling me that I’ve kept you waiting long enough. So… yeah, okay.” and then Spider-Man pulls off his mask. Flashes go off in all directions, blocking the streaming camera’s view, but when it clears, Peter Parker is upside down and laughing. “You guys should see your own faces. Honest raise of hands, who called it?”
About a quarter of the room raises their hands, and of course the entire panel does.
“Oh put your hands down, you losers. Obviously you knew,” Peter says, turning and walking back down to the floor, taking his seat once more, sliding his feet into some loafers as he walks. “Now, I assume Pep is alright with me opening up the floor for a few questions?” he asks, looking at the CEO, who nods toward him. “Perfect! So yeah. Ask away! In an orderly form of course.”
“Peter, why did you choose now to identify yourself?” one reporter asks.
“Well, I just turned 18 a week ago! Legally I can do whatever I want now, no parental consent necessary. Which was always a… well, it was an awkward conversation when they needed my parents’ consent. But also, we had to make a few deals with law enforcement and the government and I had to officially sign the Accords, which makes me an Avenger too! But don’t worry, that wasn’t the other announcement. Just stuff that had to happen. Even if I wanted to reveal who I really was sooner, this was as soon as it could have been since we had to do this the legal way,” Peter explains.
“You’re a very popular Twitter user on your personal account, and Spider-Man’s profile also has a massive following. You created a whole personality around him. Spider-Man is more aggressive than you tend to come across on your personal account. Do you consider Spidey to be your alter ego, or just a part of your personality you handed over to the hero for the time being?”
“That’s a fantastic question and I love it. First of all, not to be That Teenager, but you should check out my Twitter. Weird stuff goes down, it’s entertaining. Second of all, yeah, I always made Spidey out to be more of a dick. Can I say that, Pep?” Peter pauses, looking to Pepper for approval.
“You’re allowed to curse, Peter,” Tony says, beating her to it, but she still nods.
“Great! Being overly-formal is annoying. Anyway, yeah, Spidey was always more of a dick than I was on my personal account. But if you compare us, you’ll find that we’re really the exact same person, it’s just how we express ourselves online. We both use chaos and humor as our main form of communication, I’m just nicer about it, or I add flowery words to seem less blunt. I always tweeted/instagrammed Spidey when I felt the need to be blunt and just say things. In real life, I’m a lot closer to what you see on my personal account, just a disaster who loves his family and his boyfriend and spends more time joking around than being serious. But we all need to let off steam sometimes, right? To answer your question simply, Spidey and I are the same person, I just had to figure out a way to separate us in my own head. Like you said, I just handed part of my personality over to him for the time being to draw a distinct line between us. My main goal for the past 4 years was just to not be discovered.”
“Spider-Man is widely known to call Mr. Stark “dad”, and uses family names for the other Avengers, too. It can only be assumed that you do that as well, correct?”
“Absolutely!” Peter exclaims. “I’m so happy someone brought that up! Now it won’t be as weird when I finally start calling Tony “dad” on social media! I’ve been calling him dad for a little over two years now. I call some of them names, but not all of them. Of course we have Aunt Nat and Uncle Steve, Uncle Clint and Aunt Pepper. I do call Carol Danvers “Aunt Carol” when I see her, sometimes. Tried to call Sam “Uncle Sam” but that felt weird. But Bucky is always just Bucky, they hated being called “Uncle” way before they came out as non-binary. Maria, Fury, Thor, Loki, they’re all just their names. I tried to call Fury “Uncle Nick”. But it was only one time. And Bruce is Bruce, for now. Who knows what the future holds? The important one, and the first one, was always dad. I had to jump that hurdle before I could brave the others,” he explains.
“There are plenty of exchanges between you and your partner or the other Avengers where you and Spidey are referred to as completely separate entities. How did they discern who was who?”
“I mean, some of that was just a 50/50 deal. If dad was talking about a conversation with me, sometimes he would just say “then Spidey said” and give his response and then say that I responded to that. If that makes sense. Some of it was straight up lying. We realized that people got suspicious if we stopped mentioning one of us for too long, so we made shit up. The things that happened were always real, but Spidey didn’t always have an individual part in them. We tried to avoid that, of course. I hate lying. Again. Hence, conference.”
“What came first?” asks another reporter. “Your spider bite or your internship at Stark Industries?”
“My spider bite came about 6 months before my internship. The other Avenger’s and I did a Question-and-Answer on YouTube last week that asked how I, as Peter, became a part of the group, and we basically said that my dad met Spidey first, and Spidey led him to me, because we worked together. That was technically true. Dad and I first ran into each other when I was working as Spidey, before the official suit was a thing, but I had already made a prototype of the mask. It took a few times of us meeting for me to admit that I was doing all my own tech, and it didn’t take long for dad to realize I needed an actual lab to work with. So when I got there, I took off my mask. Spidey led dad to Peter. We just kinda left out that Spidey and I were the same person all along.”
“We only have time for two more questions,” Pepper interjects. “And then we need to move on to the second announcement.”
“What led you to want to fight crime? You could have just kept your abilities a secret and done nothing. Was there any reason you decided against that?” one reporter asks eagerly after a nod from the young hero a moment later.
“Actually,” Peter says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “That was originally the plan. I’d just decided to keep Spidey under wraps when my Uncle Ben was shot and killed in a robbery. It didn’t take long for me to reverse my decision. Uncle Ben was my father before Tony and after my real dad. He was my favorite person in the world, and his death shattered me. My aunt and I both had a really rough time, and once I got over the initial shock of his being gone, I knew that I couldn’t sit by when the next person who died in a robbery could be someone else’s Uncle Ben. Or their cousin, brother, husband, mother, whatever. It didn’t matter to me who they were, I just didn’t want any more innocent people to die preventable deaths. That was when I decided to become that Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man that the papers just loved to shit on for those first few months,” Peter explained. “Okay, last question,” he said, nodding at the last reporter.
“Do you live permanently here at the Tower? If you do, how did your guardian, you mentioned your Aunt? How did your guardian react to your moving in? Is she aware of your superhero double life?”
Peter shifts uncomfortably, his whole body going taut and looking as if he’s considering his answer very carefully. Suddenly, Harley coughs loudly, and everyone, Peter included, looks at him. He catches Peter’s eye, and Peter relaxes again after a second. Harley mouths something that the cameras don’t catch, and Peter has a ghost of a smile on his face as he turns around, schooling his features again.
“I’ve been living permanently at Stark Tower for 2 years now, actually. Dad took legal guardianship of me after Aunt May died in 2019. She did know that I was Spider-Man, and she was really supportive. She took the news really well, said she always knew I was up to something. She was just glad it wasn’t clubbing and drinking and shit,” Peter laughed. “I was basically living with May on weekdays, and every other weekend I would stay at the Tower, so I had my own room and everything. She was a nurse, and some nights she would call me while I was patrolling and say that she was working late, and to just stay with Tony, because there’s no point in going home when I already have a bed there and she wouldn’t be in til nearly sunrise,” Peter reminisces, suddenly catching himself. “I’m sorry. I already answered your question, really. Yes, I live here permanently. My guardian when I officially moved in was Tony, and he was… well. We were all shocked that I had to. And I would hope that dad is aware of my double life.”
Peter falls silent again, and Pepper clears her throat.
“Our other announcement is the reason I’m here at all, since it has to do with Stark Industries. Mr. Stark and I have been making some big behind-the-scenes decisions in the past year. This one is so under wraps that only 7 people know about the entire deal,” Pepper begins.
“In hindsight, we really should have eased our co-workers into this,” Tony interjects, and all the heads (except Pepper) at the table turn towards him.
“Well. Okay. Yes. However, Mr. Stark and I are here to announce who we will be choosing to succeed us when we retire from SI.”
“Or die,” Tony adds. “Whatever comes first.”
“Whatever comes first,” Pepper agrees, sending a dirty look toward her friend that very clearly tells him to shut up. Which he does. “The only people who were fully aware of this deal are Mr. Stark and I, our respective successors, and a handful of lawyers who handled paperwork.”
Other people at the table are sending glaces at one another, Maria and Fury even whispering a quick exchange.
“Both of these young men have proved themselves extremely capable in the past year,” Pepper continues. “And should anything happen to one of us, they will be more than ready to take on SI and all of its dealings. Unlike Tony and I, they won’t run one part of the business each, but share the entire thing, because they both have a mind for business and inventions alike.”
“So,” Tony takes over smoothly. “We’d like to announce our successors, Harley James Keener and Peter Benjamin Parker.”
The gasp is loud this time, because the entire table joins the crowd, unable to contain themselves. Nat reaches to either side of her to close Clint and Maria’s mouths where they’ve dropped open. Shuri is whispering furiously at Harley, who’s just smiling. Steve is just looking at Peter, who’s laughing at the bug-eyed stare.
Once the entire room is recomposed, Harley and Peter, who have moved to sit together with their predecessors, clear their throats.
“We’re only going to take a few questions right now,” Harley announces, nodding at the frontmost reporter.
“How long have you known you were the chosen ones, so to speak?” the person asks.
“Chosen Ones. I like that,” Peter grins. “Well… dad threw out the idea a few years ago as a joke, before Harley and I even met. Harley has, apparently, always had a mind for business. I used to not, inventing was the only route for me. But as the years carried on, and especially having Harley here recently, we’ve both proved that we have minds for both, and would rather just run the company together. I only found out this was going to be, like, an official thing 6 months ago, and I was told that Harley was the other successor and we couldn’t tell anyone.”
“My mom and sister didn’t even know until this morning when I called them. With permission of course,” Harley added, smiling as he nodded toward another reporter.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you two are a couple, yes? What happens if you two decide to break up?”
“That’s easy,” Peter says, smirking under Harley’s glance. “We won’t. I’m sure someone out there will brand us as silly kids who haven’t experienced real life yet, but I am totally confident that Harley Keener is it for me. We’re a perfect match, and not to be a sap in front of about a million people, but I’m going to marry that boy one day. Don’t worry about the future of SI if we break up,” Peter says simply. “Because it won’t happen.”
“You could chalk this up to naivety,” Harley adds. “But it’s not. Nothing fits for me in my life better than Peter does. We’ve always been perfectly in sync, and that won’t ever change.”
“Final question, please!” Pepper says quickly as Peter nods toward another reporter.
“Is there anything you’ll change about the way SI is run?”
“We haven’t discussed that yet,” Peter admits. “But if you’re asking if we’re going to begin mass weapons production again, your answer is absolutely not. Never again will Stark Industries create weapons for the government,” Peter says in a firm voice.
“As far as how things are run here in the Tower, I doubt that anything will change. Tony and Pepper have done a magnificent job with this company, and we love how this company is run,” Harley says. There’s a pause before Pepper begins speaking.
“I think that concludes today’s press conference between the Avengers and Stark Industries. Thank you so much for your time, your attention, your questions, and your good reactions to our news! Hopefully we won’t have to hold another massive press conference like this for a very long time. Have a wonderful day, everyone!” Pepper says, and the people at the table rise and exit, Fury and Maria first and Tony, Pepper, Peter and Harley last.

this livestream has ended.
---------------------

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
… surprise

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Holy motherfucking shitballs

The Guardian ✔️ @guardian
BREAKING NEWS: Tony Stark’s Intern Peter Parker is Spider-Man AND Heir to Stark Industries?

The New York Times ✔️ @nytimes
Peter Parker and Harley Keener Named Heirs to Stark Industries

The New York Times ✔️ @nytimes
Spider-Man Reveals His Own Identity as Stark’s Personal Intern, Peter Parker

USA TODAY ✔️ @usatoday
Stark and Potts to Hand Over SI Reins to Parker and Keener When the Time Comes

Los Angeles Times ✔️ @latimes
Spider-Man Takes Off His Mask and SI Leaders Reveal Successors… and You’ll Never Guess Who They Are

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Another reason Spidey wasn’t in California with us: he actually was.

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
It’s been the kind of day where that makes sense

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
I’m sorry, so Peter Parker is a genius, lower-middle class, bisexual, trans superhero, and Harley Keener is a middle class, gay, genius inventor from a small town? SI is going into AMAZING hands. ALSO LETS BACK UP TO WHERE PETER WAS SPIDER-MAN

haha i can call her mj @michellejones
I’m sorry… you’re the heir to stark industries @beterbarker

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
I SECOND THAT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I mean… Harley and I. But yeah. Surprise

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Don’t worry, we weren’t informed either

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fun fact: right after we left the stage, Shuri tackled me and started crying and congratulating me. Also, Thor and Loki, who were in the penthouse, hugged us both and I got to sit on Thor’s shoulders. ALSO: Bruce (who doesn’t like hugs) actually hugged both of us and told us he was proud of us.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh my god I can shitpost about being bored in meetings now!!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
GUYS I HAVE BEEN SO BORED IN THOSE MEETINGS

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Congratulations again to Harley and Pete. They deserve everything coming to them

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
That verbiage indicates we’re going to pay for not telling them

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Yes, yes it does

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
I wasn’t informed either. In a weak moment I did agree to help. I don’t think I regret it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Goddammit they turned pops to the dark side.

Dad??? @drbrucebanner
They turned… who??

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Shit.

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
🎵 Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no 🎵

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
For the entire month of September… the swear jar returns

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
And this time, Steve can’t lie to us and/or not swear because we’ve gotten him comfortable and now he swears like the rest of us

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I’ve been corrupted--

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
bullshit

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
If I recall, you were the one who set the tower record for longest string of swear words

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I did NOT

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Should I have FRIDAY call up the video??

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
No thank you

Stabby Fren (she/they) @godofmischief
Oh please do.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
James Buchanan Barnes.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Ah shit I’m gonna sleep on the couch for a week

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
attachment - sent by Bucky Barnes
[video: a security video of the living room. Peter, Harley, Bucky and Clint are spread out on the floor in front of the coffee table that sits in front of the couch. After a few seconds, Steve crosses into the view of the camera, entering the living room.
“How’s it going?” he asks. All four men immediately break out into frustrated recounts.
“Fucking Spidey jostled me with his elbow--” Clint groans.
“I did not! You’re just a sore loser--” Peter protests.
“You both suck--” Harley snarks, eyes still intent on the screen.
“Bucky keeps winning, that metal arm is just unfair, superhuman reflexes,” Clint whines.
“I’m sorry I asked,” Steve laughs, eyes on the tv as he walks behind them. Suddenly, he rams his three smallest toes into the table leg and slaps a palm over his mouth. “Motherfucking--” he starts, and immediately the other boys start whooping and yelling.
“GODDAMN, ROGERS, YOU KISS YOUR PARTNER WITH THAT MOUTH?!” Clint yells.
“SOAP FOR YOU MISTER, RIGHT NOW!!!” Peter is half shouting, half laughing.
“OKAY MR. RIGHTEOUS I SEE YOU--” Harley’s eyebrows are almost in his hair. Bucky is on his back, wheezing and laughing.
About halfway through that ordeal, Bruce steps foot in the room, pauses, and walks right back out, shaking his head.
When all the yelling is over, Steve limps angrily from the room, laughter following him from the room.]

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Hope no one else needed to shun a partner to the couch tonight, or else they’ll have to get real cozy with Buck…

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
Funny you should mention it. Hope @clintbarton and Buck don’t mind getting cozy.

-------------------------
Buckaroo -> Doll
Buckaroo: just so we’re clear-- I’m sleeping on the floor in the room, yes?
Doll: and risk you punching Clint if you have a nightmare? Obviously
Buckaroo: cool. I can deal with that.
Doll: good.
-------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh lord the swear jar took effect 15 minutes ago and Uncle Steve already said “gosh darn it”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OBVIOUSLY I will dominate at this because I’m me and I’m awesome.

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
Considering the fact that Steve just said “gosh diddly dang it”--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
NO HE DID NOT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FUCK I MISSED IT

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
… whoops

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
The speed at which Clint dove for the swear jar and then booked it down the hall to Peter’s room. I don’t think you understand--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh so that’s the way we’re going to play? Okay. It’s on. I’m winning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Spidey’s winning.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Also I have to say, it’s such a relief to be able to call Pete ‘Spidey’. Most of us almost never actually call him Peter. 85% of the time he’s Spidey.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But yeah. Spidey’s winning.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Pep and I leave for a week and Peter starts winning? How exactly???

FRIDAY @fridaytheai
attachments - sent by Steve Rogers
[video: Thor is in the kitchen, having just taken brownies out of the oven and cut them up. Peter walks up and grabs a brownie-- straight from the glass pan. He draws his hand back like he was burned. Which he was.
“SON OF AN EGG SAC--” he groans through gritted teeth.]
[video: Clint drops from a vent and lands directly on Peter, sending them both crashing to the ground.
“I am going to tear off all of your limbs and eat them.” this is said while punching Clint repeatedly in the arm.]
[video: Harley surprises Peter with a picnic on the roof. He leads his boyfriend outside, eyes closed.
“Okay, open them,” Harley grins, and Peter’s eyes fly open.
“Holy horsefly, I love you.” is Peter’s response.]
[video: Peter is pouting after having lost at Super Smash Bros™. Again. Everyone is teasing him.
“Awww poor Spidey. Guess you can’t win every fight.” that’s Clint.
“Should I break out the ice cream?” Nat taunts, a playful smile on her face.
“That pout is too precious. We should keep beating him so we can see it,” Harley winks at his boyfriend.
Finally, Peter rolls his eyes impressively far back in his head and stands up.
“You all can go web yourselves,” he snaps, and leaves the room.]
[video: the Avengers and Co. are sitting at the table eating dinner, a welcome home dinner for Sam, because he’s been gone since they got back from Cali. Suddenly, Bucky’s arm buzzes and shorts out, flinging the mashed potatoes on his fork across the table.
They hit Peter square in the face. The whole table is quiet for a minute before Natasha snorts, breaking their silent concentration. A food fight breaks out. Steve is, shockingly, the first person to officially throw food. The asparagus slaps Peter in the face and he sends a death glare towards Steve.
“You poisonous pest,” he growls, taking two handfuls of potatoes and jumping across the table at his uncle.]

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
The kid is winning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
🎵 Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no 🎵 pt. 2

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
What now?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SO. Okay. The old AcaDec team and I are on a groupchat, and since most of them are at the same college (cough Harvard cough), they decided that they had enough company there with them to put their phones down for a few weeks to focus on their first semester there.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
They planned on a full month. On August 4th they put their phones down. What’s today?

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
September 4th…? I don’t see the issue.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bucky. No social media for a month. What did they miss on August 17th?

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Oh you’re in deep shit

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Everyone send good thoughts to my boyfriend. He’s about to get his ass kicked by geeks.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
They’re not going back on their phones until after classes, so I have like 20 minutes. Someone hide me. Cindy is going to fly here just to murder me. Flash might actually die. Like have a heart attack and die on the spot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh lord save me - attachment
[screenshot]
↓↓↓Screenshot Contents↓↓↓
------------------------
Big AcaDICK Energy
(Sally, Flash, Cindy, Ned, MJ, Abe, Peter, Charles, Betty)
Betty: we’re back, fuckerssssss
Ned: welcome, welcome
Flash: I’ve missed my phone so much. But it was cool to not have to worry.
Sally: I want to go on instagram immediately omg
MJ: Before you do, Peter has something to say
MJ: Peter?
Ned: Peter
------------------------
end of screenshot

owls @owo
@beterbarker you need to tell them before they find out for themselves

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I sent the link--- now all I can do is wait - attachment
[screenshot]
↓↓↓Screenshot Contents↓↓↓
------------------------
Big AcaDICK Energy
(Sally, Flash, Cindy, Ned, MJ, Abe, Peter, Charles, Betty)
Peter: okay okay I’m here
Abe: what do you want? I miss twitter
Peter: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GO ON TWITTER
Charles: ???
Peter: This is a compilation of some big things that you missed, nothing you see will make sense without it - youtube.com/hGjdinsKngBer/Stark
------------------------
end of screenshot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Well, that went well - attachments
[multiple screenshots
↓↓↓Screenshot Contents↓↓↓
------------------------
Big AcaDICK Energy
(Sally, Flash, Cindy, Ned, MJ, Abe, Peter, Charles, Betty)
Cindy: WHAT THE FUCK
Charles: wait I had to pause the video why is flash laying down and not moving
Charles: HOLY FUCK
Sally: Okay wait why does that make so much more sense
Betty: Abe is facetiming me because Peter won’t pick up but he told me to tell you guys that now we HAVE to do something over Christmas break
Flash: I. Bullied. Spider-Man. Shoot me.
Peter: A year ago I’d have taken you up on that
Flash: shut up you could snap me like a twig with two fingers
Charles: i can’t tell if you mean that in a menacing way or in an erotic way
Charles: nevermind he’s blushing i got it
Sally: SIMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Ned: Ew
Peter: hi i’m throwing up now
Flash: leave me alone i’ve always had a thing for spider-man i just have a face for the name now. i’m not HAPPY about it
Cindy: sorry ive been in a state of shock since my last text
Cindy: parker i am going to murder you
Peter: CALLED IT
Cindy: FOUR YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND NOTHING? NO “hey btw im the next ceo of the biggest tech conglomerate in the world”? No “heads up im the masked hero you have a thing for”?
Peter: okay. Honest raise of hands. Who has a thing for Spidey?
Sally:...
Cindy:...
Abe:...
Charles:...
Betty:...
Peter: cool. I’m going to go die in my vent. You are now free to go about social media.
Sally: omfg it’s YOUR vent. Now I have to merge you and Spidey in my mind that’s so weird.
--------------------------
end of screenshots

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Should I have called them? Probably.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Did I forget they didn’t know? Absolutely

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
I’m genuinely curious as to how you forgot?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I don’t know!!! Just… slipped my mind. Things have been so busy and I haven’t laid eyes on them since MAY. And obviously the group chat was kind of an “out of sight, out of mind” situation.

Not-Ugly Betty @futurepresident
Hey bitchboy I’m coming back next weekend for my moms birthday you know?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh no

Not-Ugly Betty @futurepresident
hide.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Yes maam

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
On a TOTALLY different subject, i can’t hang out next weekend.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Simp

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
Oh totally not even gonna deny it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CLINT SAID THE F WORD

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FIVE DOLLARS IN THE JAR BUDDY BOY

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I have created a monster

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Yes

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
question of the day: will nat ever stop tweeting ominously?

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
No

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
hahaha... intimidation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Sally @thesallyyy
OKAY BUT EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW THAT I KNOW PETER IS SPIDER-MAN

Flash Thompson @nothteflash
I cannot believe I’m putting this on twitter but… spiderman was my gay awakening

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Weren’t you a little old for a gay awakening?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Also ew

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
Dude you’ve met my parents. I was so far beyond repressed

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
Yeah i know. The entire point of that post was actually to tack on an ew. Like… you’re cute, you’re attractive, whatever. But you’re… Parker.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Forget the conversation ever happened?

Flash Thompson @nottheflash
Gladly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
NAT JUST SAID LIKE 4 SWEAR WORDS IN A ROW-- 2 MILD, 1 BIG AND 1 CREATIVE, THAT’S $1 PER MILD, $5 PER BIG, AND $10 FOR A CREATIVE

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Nat, you must learn to watch your language, young lady

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Uh oh im in the vents and i think someone is in here with

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Clint is busy - Nat

Chapter Text

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I know Twitter is usually our place for chaos, it’s never really a serious place. But I don’t like using instagram, it feels showy to have to post a picture just for the words that most people don’t read. Plus the thirsty comments overpower the whole point of whatever message there IS

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But I did want to give you guys more of a… realistic, I guess, slice of our life. Not daily life, but every few weeks or so there’s a day like this.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Bucky has panic attacks. Not constantly, but often enough that we all know what to watch for. Even Tony begrudgingly will keep an eye out, as much as he pretends he doesn’t care. This morning, Bucky had a panic attack. I don’t know when, but it was either while I was in the shower or before I even woke up.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I knew right away something was off, but it took me a while to drag what had happened out of them. There are a few things that happen post panic attack for Bucky. One is they get really clingy and we settle down for a movie day on the couch. Another is nothing. Sometimes he gets a panic attack and nothing happens, it wasn’t bad and they’re fine. But often he retreats into his own head and goes around for the next day or so feeling like everyone secretly hates them

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Guess what today’s thing was? Yeah. So all day they’ve been distant and it’s like watching them fold in on themself. It took all of 15 minutes for Spidey to clock Bucky’s mood change, and when he was reading on the deck an hour or so ago, he asked me what was up and if Bucky needed cheering up.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
This is the part where I have to say what an incredible kid Spidey is. He’s just a good person. We’ve all had kind of a tough week, the swear jar thing got out of hand, and we all got frustrated and have been taking a few days to ourselves. Pete got back from a long weekend at the beach with Harley and jumped right to helping Buck. No questions asked.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Anyway, I told him the situation, that they’d had a panic attack and it was the usual ‘everyone secretly hates me’ narrative he was just like “oh, i know how that feels”-- first off, kid are you okay?? Second off, I love Spidey, but I wasn't sure it would work? Like I said, they were totally shut down.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But this kid is magic. Bucky came in once he’d finished his book, and Peter looked at them and walked up and just hugged them, and Bucky looked up at me and they were a little tense and more than a little confused. Before I could say anything, Peter was saying “you know I love you right? Fuck what your head says. We all love you.” and I thought Bucky was going to cry when I saw the look on his face, but he just relaxed into the hug and mumbled something into Pete’s hair and Pete did say something back and I didn’t catch it.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I did go, because even though it was MY partner, I felt like I was third wheeling on a nephew/(i don’t know a non-binary term for aunt or uncle but you know what I’m trying to say) moment. But I came back after a while to find Peter using an Expo marker to draw on Bucky’s metal arm while Bucky dozed.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
But this is all to say A) please be patient with us. A lot of us have days like this, and often. B) make sure you’re keeping an eye on your friends and family. Make sure they know they’re loved

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Back to chaos, go on

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
In case you wondered @steverogers, he asked me how I knew he needed to hear that, and I told them that it’s what Harley or dad tells me every time I’m feeling that way, because it’s all I need to hear.

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
sometimes the world feels like it’s drowning in hate but seeing this sort of thing… there are still good people in the world, they’re in high places, and they can (and do) take stances on things and people will LISTEN to them. That’s big. It’s also really comforting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
While we’re still kind of on the topics of “heroes have hard days too” and “peter is the best”, I wanted to address it. I know I’m not exactly known for being ‘serious’. But hey, we all have to start somewhere.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
We all have hard days in the Tower. We’ve been through a lot individually and together. There’s no “worst” trauma, it’s all trauma and it affects us all in a painful way. Peter especially. He’d seen and been through so much before half of us ever laid eyes on him.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I should back up and say that, like Steve said, the swear jar got out of hand. I won’t say too much because that’s not fair to everyone. But I will say that there was an argument between all of us that got way too out of hand and half of us self-isolated and half of us took off for the weekend.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Peter and Harley went to the beach, Steve and Bucky holed up in the art studio, Zelda and I took the kids off Laura’s hands and did some NYC tourist stuff, Bruce and Tony actually went away, but I don’t know where. Maria had to drag Nat out of the ballet studio every night.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
All this to say that it was bad, and I know it hurt all of us to have to leave on a note like that, but it was better to clear our heads and apologize later. But something I know more than anything else is that it killed Peter to leave. When I called him and Harley the next night to talk about everything, he sounded like he was having a rough time.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I asked him about it, and he flat out told me he had been having a bad mental health week and he knew he needed the time away, but he just wanted to be home. I’m actually not back yet, but having heard that the first thing that kid did was check on everyone else? Peter is really the best.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
So yeah. I mean really that’s it. I know we all shit on him because he’s just a kid(and an easy to fluster one at that). But he’s a really damn good kid.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
That’s all. Now I need to earn back my branding as “most chaotic Avenger”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No one calls you that

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Hush spiderling

A few hours later

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Perfect - attachment
[security video: Nat is sitting on the couch in the living room when Clint rushes in with cans of silly string, tosses 2 at her, and smirks when she observes them.
“Oh you’re going down, Barton,” Nat grins, a slightly evil glint in her eye. In response, Clint uncaps both of his cans and sprays her before booking it out of the room. Nat follows with a shout of laughter, book forgotten.]

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Status restored.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
This is NOT our week.

Shannon, I’m in the cupboard, like the others @whatislifeanymore
Oh god what NOW

clever username @hyperfixation_station
For real. Like first the MASSIVE twitter break, and then Bucky thought everyone hated him and then Peter apparently had a minor breakdown??? What’s left? No one is dead right?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Everyone is breathing. BUT we’re all sick. We hung out in Central Park yesterday, just team bonding. But here’s the issue: we walked there. And it started POURING rain after an hour, so we had to walk home. I always thought walking in the rain and getting sick from it was a joke

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
IT’S NOT--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Even Steve, Bucky and I are beyond congested-- I am officially a mouth-breather. My entire face feels like a ticking time bomb. If I sneeze, it’s all over. Hell it even got Loki and Thor--

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Can confirm. Head might explode

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
I loathe Midgardian illnesses

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I mean… there’s no way Asgard’s sicknesses are easier than this

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
Oh they’re not. However they are significantly less annoying.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I JUST SNEEZED-- HOW DID THAT MAKE THIS W O R S E

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Decongestants for Pete and the Super Soldiers next. Got it. Good god my ‘n’s sound like ‘b’s. “I’m fine” is “I’m FIBE”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I want to Kermit Sewage Slide now please

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
My head feels like there’s a bass just constantly thrumming around me, and not in a good way.

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
You know, being on your phone won’t help your head, Peter.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Mhmmm

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
I could feel THAT eye roll from across the tower. You know that “Doctor” people tend to put before my name means that I’m… a doctor?

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Welcome to having a teenager. And Peter is one of the good ones.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
What about meeeeee?

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
Or @michellejones and I?

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Hey! I’m still here

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I said that and purposefully didn’t include you. Actually, I DO like @michellejones she reminds me of Pep

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
She’s going to faint when she sees that, you know

Chapter Text

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I feel like this was a terrible idea.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Probably. But that’s why it’s so fun.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
No, Peter. It’s just a bad idea.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Is it though?

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
Yes.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Unfortunate that it’s happening, then, isn’t it?

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
WAIT FOR ME WAIT FOR ME I’M FLYING IN TOMORROW ANYWAY

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SIGH-- i guess

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
By the way, Ned and MJ are going to be here!

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
oh?

---------------------
Black Panther II -> Harley’s Bitch
Black Panther II: SJKFHGKSHIDH
Harley’s Bitch: ???
Black Panther II: hey peterrrrrrr, love of my life, bestest friend ever
Harley’s Bitch: no
Black Panther II: RUDE I DIDN’T EVEN ASK
Harley’s Bitch: *hand gesturing* proceed
Black Panther II: is MJ single???????? also does she happen to like women????????? :)))))))
Harley’s Bitch: yeah… why?
Harley’s Bitch: OH
Harley’s Bitch: GROSSSSSSS THATS GAY
Black Panther II: Parker you have a boyfriend.
Harley’s Bitch: your point is…?
Black Panther II: SET ME UP WITH THE HOT GIRL-- PLEASEEEEEE
Harley’s Bitch: desperate much?
Harley’s Bitch: don’t kill me--
Black Panther II: Peter.
Harley’s Bitch: i’ll work on setting you up tomorrow? i guess? i’m terrible at setting people up.
Black Panther II: thank youuuuuuuuu
-----------------------

-----------------------
Darlin’ -> Yeehaw Keener
Darlin’: soooo
Darlin’: tomorrow i’m supposed to try to set Shuri and MJ up
Yeehaw Keener: you’re literally sitting on my lap, you couldn’t TELL me this
Darlin’: and risk being overheard? absolutely not.
Yeehaw Keener: well good luck
Darlin’: you know I’m dragging you into this, right?
Yeehaw Keener: fuck.
-----------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
IT'S HAPPENINGGGGGG

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m making the Avengers and Co follow makeup tutorials--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Remember when we did the baking thing? It’ll be like that! They’re teaming up and competing for the best makeup look (and yes it WILL be a YouTube video!)

larn @timetravellerlarn
This can only be described as chaos in the making

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh absolutely. We already have all the makeup, and once Shuri gets here, it’s on!

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Shuri just got here and immediately called me a bitch?

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
No i called you THAT bitch

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
There is, apparently, a difference

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
Yeah. one is consistently good, one depends on who’s saying it to who.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And honestly? Steve IS That Bitch.

Gushy @thatweirdo
This thread feels cursed

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Oh it’s totally cursed

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
TEAMS HAVE BEEN CHOSEN

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
1. Shuri and MJ 2. Harley and Ned 3. Nat and Clint 4. Steve and Bucky 5. Tony and Pepper 6. Loki and Thor

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Bruce used his pass to get out of this one, we were all up all night in the lab, but he was the only one who had been up for like 3 days and Maria had to work. Sam and I are gonna be judging because not only does he not have a partner, he doesn’t want to wear makeup and quote “watch his skin erupt in pimples”.

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Okay quick note for y’all already coming for me: this has nothing to do with fragile masculinity and everything to do with the never-ending cycle of makeup. If I wear makeup once, I’ll break out. Breaking out makes me want to wear makeup to cover it up, which doesn’t solve the fact that I’m breaking out. And I have a meeting in 2 days that I don’t want to look like a 16 year old in.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
That’s valid. I just don’t like the smell of foundation, it’s way stronger for me, especially when it’s on my FACE. It makes me gag.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Guys I have so many sensory restrictions it’s annoying. I literally have special JEANS because the denim fabric drives me insane. I can’t be within a 15 foot radius of real mint, I WILL be violently ill. Mint ice cream is gross but it usually doesn’t bother me. Anytime I’m overwhelmed, Inner-Spider comes out and threatens to rip off limbs. Which is why I have sound cancelling earbuds, so I can avoid that in public.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
They’re all working in teams. Steve and Bucky, Shuri and MJ, Ned and Harley, Nat and Clint, Dad and Pep, Loki and Thor.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HERE WE GO! MAKEUP IS BEING PASSED OUT AND OPENED

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
So apparently I have to explain to Loki and Clint what all of these products are for, because they have little-to-no experience with them.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Loki actually knew more than Clint… wow.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay we’re off to a decent start. Dad and Clint started with eye makeup instead of primer and foundation but I guess we’ll see how this goes…

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Clint??? Might be colorblind??? He chose pink, green, and purple for his eye makeup. Sparkly. Olive. Green.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
He is definitely color blind. Red/green at least.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Shuri’s foundation-matching is ON POINT. She completely eyed the mixture she was making and it was basically perfect.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
WHAT THE FUCK IT’S LIKE THE PAINT-MATCHING GUY ON TIKTOK-- - attachment
[video: Shuri has a foundation mixture palette in her hand, and she takes the sponge and dabs some on MJ’ skin. It’s a perfect match, almost impossible to tell that it’s foundation.
“What the hell--” Tony sputters from just off camera.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
ALSO why is my boyfriend so good at makeup and he never told me-- he just lets me struggle when I do mine. Bitch. @harleythepotatokid

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Progress report: -Steve’s eye makeup is annoyingly good. -Clint’s color blended surprisingly well? It’s giving me ‘early-2000s Disney channel star’ color palette. -Dad’s foundation matching could use some work but it still looks half decent

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
-Harley is just now getting to the eye makeup, he saved it for one of the last things he did. -Loki is completely and purposefully doing this wrong, he's doing the Mr. White Christmas/Green Christmas trend from like a year ago. -Shuri should be famous for this shit why have we not figured this out before she’s amazing.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SHURI’S COLOR PALETTE IS PINK PURPLE AND GOLD. AHHHHHHH

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Harley finally chose a gold/smokey eye vibe and I think this might be amazing

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Steve and Bucky are going to win again. I don’t make the rules. The detail… I--

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
I just walked in and Peter’s right. Steve’s is… wow.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Dad’s eye makeup for Pep is done, but it’s red and gold and I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite, it's better than I thought it would be?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Heheh I’m making bread while everyone finishes doing their makeup looks. As usual, Steve has a ton of time left before he’s done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
The bread is literally DONE. Like it rose and baked and everything. And we made grilled cheese with it. And Steve is still working. I’ll give it to the man, he’s dedicated.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Bucky is sleeping while Rogers works. That’s how long it’s been.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OH MY GOD FINALLY. LITERALLY 6 HOURS. IT WAS SO WORTH IT TO SEE THE FINAL PRODUCT BUT HOLY SHIT

ask me about plaudius @PlaudiusPlants
When do we get to see the final products?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’ll post photos here once a) Bucky wakes up, b) I can get the photos taken in good lighting, c) we do our closing our thingy for the video.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
FINALLY. That took longer than I wanted it to, but waking Bucky is hard, so we usually just let them sleep and then finally get bored and make Steve do it.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The video is gonna take a few days, maybe a week to edit. BUT I can finally give you guys the photos.

owls @owo
YES. FINALLY.

(A/N: These next tweets actually ARE links to makeup looks)

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 1- Shuri & MJ - Shuri was the artist and MJ was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 2- Harley & Ned - Harley was the artist and Ned was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 3- Clint & Nat - Clint was the artist and Nat was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 4- Steve & Bucky - Steve was the artist and Buck was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 5- Tony & Pepper - Tony was the artist and Pepper was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Team 6- Loki & Thor - Loki was the artist and Thor was the model
Here’s their makeup look

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Vote for your favorite makeup look here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Runner up: Loki and Thor! Lo did some incredible work, congrats guys!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
And of course, the obvious winner, Steve and Bucky!!! The detail of the design was incredible, and I am so angry at Steve’s talent. I could NEVER.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
sigh... back to wakanda I go

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
BYE @michellejones
BYE @beterbarker
😘bye @michellejones😘

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You said bye to MJ twice

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
:)))))))))

--------------
Black Panther II -> Harley’s Bitch
Harley’s Bitch: Sooooo
Black Panther II: Well, I’ll be town more if this works out--
Black Panther II: WE’RE GOING OUT NEXT SATURDAY
Harley’s Bitch: HOLY SHITTTTT
Harley’s Bitch: haha gayyyyyyyyy
Black Panther II: bye parker
--------------

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
shuri has a date shuri has a date shuri has a dateeeee

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
That’s gay.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Oh my god there are more of them. First Peter, then Harley over text, now Barnes. All the broken white people have the same joke.

Chapter Text

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
“What’s it like to have hearing aids, Clint?” you may ask.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Well. I think I just scared the life out of Zel and Nat because of said devices.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Yes.

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
Kinda, yeah.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
Let me tell you a quick story.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
To start with, a fun fact: taking off shirts with hearing aids is a constant adventure because one wrong move could knock them out and then it’s basically the deaf version of Naked and Afraid, called Naked and Annoyed.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
So I knocked both of my hearing aids out today, obviously I was like 98% deaf because of that and so I, naked, crawled around on the floor to find them. When I stood up after finding them, Nat and Zelda were in the room, too. I think they were looking for a movie on my shelf.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
But obviously, I didn’t hear them come in. So it scared me and I screamed. For a sound reference, without hearing aids, I can MAYBE hear music if I’m at a concert with floor seats and near the speakers. And when I screamed, I HEARD MYSELF.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
I thought Z was gonna pee. Nat screamed back, I think.

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
Yeah, she did.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THAT WAS YOU?! I HEARD THAT FROM ACROSS THE STREET

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
@harleythepotatokid please tell me you were with him

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
I was. He jumped onto the ceiling of the restaurant. Then people noticed and started asking for his autograph because “oh my god it’s Spider-Man!!!”

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
It was mostly moms who wanted autographs for their kids who were in school. STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zelda (they/she) @zeldahannigan
So maybe I’m just really new here… but why is Peter on the ceiling?

Stabby Fren (he/him) @godofmischief
Peter just likes to be up there. We’re not really sure why.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Because it’s fun! You’re all so small down there!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Especially you @clintbarton

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
You little shit

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Haha I’m on the ceiling you can’t get me

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
@tonystark DAD HE’S BORROWING SAM’S WINGS

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
In a meeting. Call Pep.

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
I’m in the same meeting. Call Steve.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
I’M LITERALLY SITTING NEXT TO YOU. Call Bucky.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Ah shit on the way now.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
My hero - attachment
[image: the camera is pointing down, showing Bucky, scolding Sam and Clint and holding Sam’s wings.]

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Now, for the obligatory Peter Story™ to go along with this event

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh this could be anything I’m on the ceiling a LOT

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
I present you with two alternative scenarios. Both of which have happened. Recently.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Scenario 1: Peter is just chilling on the ceiling, and I walk into the living room. I comment that there’s a spider on the ceiling, and Peter fucking FLIES off the ceiling, screaming bloody murder and going “WHERE?! WHERE?!”

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Scenario 2: Peter is sitting on the ceiling, and Sam walks in with a broom and goes “oh look, a spider. Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” and starts HITTING PETER WITH THE BROOM.

erin:) (she/they) @queervengers
He-- I mean that's what you do when there’s a spider on the ceiling.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I am offended.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
Haha bitchboy

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Fuck you

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Oh shit there was a spider in my bed - attachment
[security video: Peter is lying in bed when Harley walks in, holding a broom.
“Ah, shit. A spider on the bed,” Harley laughs, lightly swatting Peter with the broom as he leaps up onto the ceiling and hisses.
“Stop fucking hitting me,” Peter whines, but Harley persists. “Okay, you know what?” he finally grits out, grabbing the broom and yanking it up into his hand. “Spider strikes back!”
“Damn,” Harley says as Peter jumps down from the ceiling, wielding the broom, and Harley runs out the door again.]

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You’re all fucking BULLIES

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
No one loves meeee

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Anyone looking to complete a found family with a bi-trans superhero with crippling mental illness?

Yes I’m Here Stop Clapping @thegenerallyconfusedbisexual
It’ll complete my Found Family bingo card, dibs!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Cool, let’s do it.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Peter Benjamin Parker get your ass back into the tower.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Uh oh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Hey, quick fun fact for all the kids in my US History class at Midtown!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
That essay on Captain America that I did for my final in junior year? But I got a zero on it the first time because my only source was “Captain America and Bucky Barnes”? Captain America and Bucky actually helped me WRITE that, and dad and Steve had to go to the school and yell at the teacher.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
This fucking kid came into our room at MIDNIGHT. Thank god we were still awake. He was like “uh… hey so I have a problem and I kinda need your help. I could probably do it myself, actually. Nevermind this is stupid, sorry.” and of course Bucky and I were concerned.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
Because this is Spidey. His “oh I can do it myself” ranges from cooking a frozen pizza to battling supervillains. Bucky was immediately like “what’s wrong are you in danger what do we need to do?”

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
And boy genius indeed. Holy shit. This kid just goes “oh well so I was supposed to write an essay about you guys and the rest of the commandos and it’s due on Tuesday (it was Sunday) but I have decathlon tomorrow and I just remembered that I even had to do the paper. And I could do it myself and halfass it, but my teacher is fucking crazy and…” he went on and on and on until Bucky had him dangling out of the window. WITH THE METAL ARM WE’RE NOT INSANE

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
To reiterate: Peter would have been fine if he DID fall, but Bucky used their metal arm so he wouldn’t. Okay. So anyway. We made him shut up and stop over explaining, because we were going to help him anyway. I had some old stuff, my journal and sketchbook that I’d gotten back from Fury after I woke up because he’d taken them to examine. So we wrote the paper pretty fast that night.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You were nOT that collected. I went back to my room while you grabbed all your stuff, and I’d just gotten my computer turned on when you both FLEW into my room with your stuff and almost vaulted over my bed.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
But yeah, Dad and Steve (maybe Buck was there too, idk because I was NOT there. For those of you who don’t know, I have a marvellous talent which is Not Knowing When to Shut Up) went down after I got my initial grade back and made him sign a TON of NDAs before they’d even talk to him. But they finally did yell at him and I got a 100 :)))

maddie, more like tiddie @booksandspite
Avengers Fam to the rescue omg i love

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Without a doubt the best adoptive family. I mean, MOST of us don’t have family anymore anyway, so it’s just kind of family but you know what I mean.

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
He says all this but still hasn’t called me Pops to my face.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I don’t call you POPS

Pops??? @drbrucebanner
FRIDAY’s videos of you talking to your dad or Harley say otherwise

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
skfjdkjskfhkvh

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
I saw this coming, thankfully I got to my phone in time. - attachment
[video: Bruce is working in the lab when Peter comes around the corner and knocks on the doorframe.
“Come on in,” Bruce says, without looking up.
“So… do you want me to call you pops or…?” Peter asks. Bruce looks up, not having realized Peter was the visitor.
“You can call me whatever you want. Obviously you didn’t want me to know you were calling me that. So if that means you keep calling me Bruce, that’s fine. Or you can call me Pops,” Bruce says.
“You don’t care, then?” Peter asks again, not looking sure.
“I just want you to be comfortable and not be embarrassed or overwhelmed if you do decide to call me pops. I’d be thrilled if you added me to the list of people you consider a father figure, but it’s entirely up to you.”
Peter seems to consider this before nodding.
“Can I… give you a hug?” he asks after a minute. Bruce nods, and Peter does just that, only holding on for a second, and then heading for the door. “Bye dad, bye pops!” he calls over his shoulder.]

Quinn @probablynothuman
Holy shit I am way too invested in this.

astra maris @certifiedilflover
You and me both @probablynothuman

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
Are you FUCKING kidding me I’ll be home in like 3 days this couldn’t have waited?!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
… you want a hug when you get home?

Uncle Robo-Bird @samwilson
duh

Chapter Text

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN BITCHES. 4 DAYS

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I cannot believe I was convinced to go ANYWHERE. But we’ll be there tomorrow--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh shit wait what’s your due date again? Because you’re like… more than 8 months soon.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Nov 10th

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Oh shit. Are you sure you wanna come?

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
It’s actually probably not a good idea, but I have a group costume to be in, and so does Vis.

Pops for sure @drbrucebanner
You know, I think everyone would get it. Personally, I think we would all prefer to not have to deliver your children in the tower.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
You can say “that won’t happen” all you fucking want. I can already hear you thinking it from hundreds of miles away. But it’s U S. It. Will. Happen.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Eh. There are enough geniuses in the tower.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Not. Reassuring.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
:)))) <3

~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: 3 DAYS

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
THEY HAVE ARRIVED - attachment
[photo: selfie of Wanda, Vision, Billy and Tommy, and Peter. Billy is looking away and Tommy is sticking his tongue out at the camera. Wanda’s bump is seen in the bottom of the photo.]

Natasha Calls Me RiRi @mariahill
You guys can’t see it, but poor Wanda is huge. Those babies sure have the room to move.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I am officially over being pregnant. Maybe I WILL have the babies here just so it’s done.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
COULD YOU NOT

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
She can’t control that...

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I mean TECHNICALLY-- I CAN warp reality/speed things up

Vizzy @thevision
We agreed that you wouldn’t do that again.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
I hate when you’re reasonable.

Vizzy @thevision
I know, darling.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Are you sure????? LOOK AT THIS THING - attachment
[image: A bumpdate photo of Wanda. Look up ‘8 months pregnant with twins bumpdate’ and imagine that on Wanda. Or just think WandaVision again.]

Badass Queen @pepperpotts
On behalf of all of us, I can say that we love you, but we’re sure.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
The Boss has spoken

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
*john mulaney voice* we know, but HEY

Shannon, I’m in the cupboard, like the others @whatislifeanymore
Who showed this man John Mulaney?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: 1 DAYYYYY

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Who gave Peter caffeine? He’s actually bouncing off the walls.

Caw Caw Motherfuckers @clintbarton
So we’re like… 98% sure he had a few sips of it, because Tony said that he left a tiny bit in the bottom of the pot last night. But Peter was up early and by the time any of us got up, the coffee was gone.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Peter… did you drink the coffee?

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
OH HEY LOOK IT’S SHURI SHURI JUST LANDED.

Pops for sure @drbrucebanner
Does that answer your question, Bucky?

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Unfortunately, yes.

genius (derogatory) @shuri19
I HAVE ARRIVED AND I’M READY TO PARTYYYYYYY

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Good, because we have a good crowd coming tomorrow night.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
CINDY, MJ, AND NED ARE COMINGGGGG

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
Yes I AM, and my costume is going to ROCK

nedwardian technology @nedleeds
Cindy… we’re all going as a group.

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YEAH, WE’RE A L L GOING TO ROCK

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Alright, who's gonna catch him so we can make him sleep this off?

Pops for sure @drbrucebanner
I’m avoiding concussions, thanks.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Clint and I are on it. Sam is backup.

Mama Spy-der @natasharomanov
Godspeed

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
God this was easier when Wanda could help us.

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
heY MAYBE IF I HAD THESE BABIES--

Vizzy @thevision
no.

Turtle of Justice @steverogers
The boys can handle themselves just fine, Wanda. Just stop eating spicy curry--

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
YES PLEASE, I’M TOO YOUNG TO SEE HOW BABIES ARE BORN

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
1. You are an ADULT. 2. We all saw the same scarring video in freshman year. You have SEEN a child being born

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
NOT IN FRONT OF MY FACE IRL

Cindy Moon @dammitmoonmoon
Go to sleep Peter

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. I HAVE SUPERSTRENGTH.

Best Dad in the Universe @tonystark
Oh lord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING HALLOWEEN

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
I’m not hopped up on coffee, just excited!

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Update: Wanda is, thankfully, still pregnant. Ned and MJ just got here, Cindy is on her way and then we’re going to get ready! While we wait, Shuri and MJ are being gay somewhere else.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Fun fact: most of us are in group costumes, and no one knows each other’s costumes outside of their group. All we know is we’re not matching group costumes because Thor (the only one NOT in a group costume) confirmed it for us.

owls @owo
Oh this is going to be FANTASTIC

I Am the Night @Batfriend
I should not be this excited about other people’s Halloween costumes

larn @timetravellerlarn
Me either, but here we are.

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
Cindy has arrived! And so it begins…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Also, NO I am not dressing as anything traditionally ‘pregnant’. If I wasn’t so over being pregnant, I would probably do something like an avocado or paint a pumpkin on my bump. But I honestly cannot be fucking bothered.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
So we all decided we CAN go ahead and lay out who’s in what group. So…
1. Peter, Harley, Shuri, MJ, Ned, and Cindy. 2. Nat, Wanda, Maria and I. 3. Steve and Pepper. 4. Tony, Loki and Zelda. 5. Vision, Bruce, Clint and Sam.

Cap’s Bitch (they/he) @buckybarnes
Billy and Tommy are kind of a group but not really. Their costumes are just kinda coordinated. And Thor is by himself but also kind of coordinated with the kids?

Sokovia Sis @scarletwitch
Also, Kennedy and Lucy (IF THEY WERE BORN) would have been in a group too. I would have dressed them in little onesies and wrapped them in blankets that looked like Subway sandwich wrappers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boy <3 @harleythepotatokid
PARTY TIME!

clever username @hyperfixation_station
COSTUME PHOTOS COSTUME PHOTOS

Shuri Supremacy @unfortunatelysherlocked
AHHHH I’M SO EXCITED

THE bi disaster @beterbarker
Okay okay okay. We’re posting photos before we go down to the party. Dad, Loki, and Zelda are already down there, but only because it’s Dad’s party and he kinda has to be there. Anyway.