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Chapter Text

It was two days until his birthday, but Castiel wasn't looking forward to it at all.

It had been five years since Dean had broken up with him. And he could not talk about it with anyone until today, because Dean was still in the closet. Their relationship had never been public and that was also the reason why Castiel suffered so much. He would have liked a hug, but he had promised Dean at the time to keep quiet.

For three years, Dean and he had been together, but then Dean's book became a hit and Dean became an celebrated author within a few weeks. Then, just before his 25th birthday, Dean told Castiel that he was ending their arrangement because he wanted to concentrate on his career for now.

The argument that followed had ended with two bloody noses and an angry and disappointed Castiel. Wondering if all the whispered words of love had meant nothing, he had walked out of Dean's apartment and out of their, until then, shared life.

He had left Lawrence, his place of birth. He had left Dean, his friends and family behind, taking only his cat, Nawiri, with him. He had been without a permanent home for a while, but then had settled in Lafayette, Louisiana. He had quit all connection to home, had deleted all social media accounts, and since then also called himself Steve. He wanted to forget everything that had happened before, but even now, five years later, his broken heart had not healed.

When his big brother had stopped by last week, Castiel had been very baffled. He had believed all along that no one could find him.

Castiel's family knew nothing of his homosexuality, so he was all the more surprised when Gabriel at some point hinted in that direction. He told his little brother that he had gotten the idea when he had picked up a letter without an inscription from the mailbox almost four and a half years ago.

The letter was directed to a Cas and the Dean who had apparently written the letter mentioned in him of a very intense bonding. Gabriel had assured him that no one else in the family had read it because he knew what would have happened if they had. The Novak family was very religious and men who loved men did not fit in.

The thought that Gabriel had kept this to himself for so long, when he was the family clown and could never keep his mouth shut, made Castiel's throat tighten. He had looked down at his hands so Gabriel wouldn't see what was really going on. Gabriel must have guessed, though, and had taken Castiel in his arms. Castiel had cried and told the story between a few sobs. Gabriel had held him and Castiel had also mentioned that he had felt so alone. He would not have known how to explain his rushing away. Gabriel had then assured him that he would no longer be alone. His big brother was back now.

Gabriel had placed said letter on the sofa table, got up, and Castiel lay down. He didn't want the letter, but Gabriel insisted. Castiel grumbled, but his brother only put a blanket over him. When Castiel fell asleep, Gabriel disappeared. The letter was still on the table.

It was way past midnight when Castiel woke up. He had a headache and felt exhausted. He sat down and saw that Gabriel had fallen asleep in the armchair across from him. He got up and went to the kitchen to heat up the pasta from yesterday. Halfway through, however, he turned around, went back and took the letter.

Once in the kitchen, he put the plate of noodles in the microwave and then sat down at the kitchen table. With shaky fingers, he turned the letter over and saw that indeed there was no return address or address on it. He thought about whether to read it or not, but then decided to do so. He took the folded papers from the envelope and began to read.

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Gabriel had come into the kitchen and was taking the pasta out of the microwave. He pointed out to Castiel that food would get cold again in there as well. Then he saw that his little brother was holding the letter in his hands.

"So it's true? You had an affair with a man? With that Dean guy?"
"It wasn't an affair, Gabe. It was more, we were together for three years. And I was ready to ask 'the one question.' But at the time, it had looked like my feelings wouldn't be reciprocated in the end."
"Wow... I didn't know that."
"Well, that was the plan, no one was supposed to know. "
"You left that out earlier, though. You hadn't mentioned that detail, but now I can understand your behavior."
"It was the promise that I made to D-," Castiel had had to swallow, "that I made to Dean."
They were silent for a moment.

"It's like I'll never forget," Cas said quietly. "For five years I've been trying. I've dated other men, but no one can replace Dean. To me, he was and is the one great love."
"Cassie, come home with me. "
"No!"
"Yes you will, come with me and let your family help you. You don't have to tell them the truth. This can stay between us. But it would be a distraction, and besides, you're only going to be 30 once, so come home."
"Gabe, I-" Castiel sighed, "I'll think about it, okay?"

Gabriel grinned.

Chapter Text

It was still two days until his birthday, but Castiel wasn't looking forward to it at all. Nevertheless, he thought about it.

It had been a week since Gabriel had been there, listened to him, brought the letter from Dean, and asked Castiel to come home with him.
A week in which Castiel had thought a lot. And he was still thinking.

Right now he was warming up his dinner and while watching the food turn in the microwave, he made the decision to go to his parents after all. He was free and unbound and could go back to his apartment if he couldn't stand it. But Gabriel was right, maybe the distraction would do him good and one only turned 30 once.

After dinner, he cleaned up and packed his suitcase. Laundry and toiletries would be enough for a week. He wouldn't want to stay longer than that, if he could even stand it that long. Tomorrow he would be on his way.

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The evening before his birthday, he arrived at his family's house. Oh, what a surprise it was. Everyone was really happy that he had come by.
His sister Anna, his big brother Gabriel, his little brother Inias, his mother Naomi, his father Chuck, his good friend Meg and a few more people who had to belong to Gabriel. In addition to them, however, there was also a very tall, brown-haired young man and a small, petite woman with orange hair.
Her name was Charlie, as Meg later informed him, and she was an absolute computer freak.
His name was Sam, as Gabriel mentioned. Sam was a quiet man who tended to stay in the background. He was by no means unfriendly and as Castiel could tell during the evening, the alcohol lightened his mood. He laughed and joked and was actually always to be found near Gabriel, as Castiel noticed at some point.

Around ten o'clock, Castiel ducked outside. He was not annoyed, as he had first feared, but after so many years to see his entire family again, which had apparently not changed a bit, drained him. He was no longer used to so much company.
Ten minutes later, an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Castiel flinched slightly, turned to the side and looked at Inias. His little brother, who had grown taller than him by now. When Castiel had left, Inias had been close to his majority.

"Cas, it's good to see you again." Castiel and Inias had stopped. Castiel looked at his brother and whatever it was, Inias looked like the time he had come home as a young boy with a bloody nose and scraped up legs and hands. That had been the time when Inias had been so teased by the boys in his class. He had run all the way and hid in Castiel's room until he had come home, cleaned the wounds, put band-aids on them, hugged Inias and promised him that everything would be okay. Inias had always come to Castiel when something was bothering him, even later as a teenager. Until Castiel had left.

"I'm so happy right now, you know!" Inias had spoken very softly, as if no one should know, then he hugged Castiel. Castiel was totally confused at first. The last time Inias had hugged him like that was probably a good ten years ago. When they were younger it had been normal, later it had become weird. But the way Inias was clinging to him now.... Castiel swallowed, then returned the hug. Inias was almost 23, but here in his arms Castiel was not holding a young man. He stroked his brother's back reassuringly.
"It's going to be okay!" promised Castiel. What had happened, he would ask him later.

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At midnight they were all not sober anymore and after congratulating and singing loudly, they decided to play 'Truth or Dare'. The first round could still be called harmless, but after Naomi and Chuck said goodbye.... Well, we all know what happens when parents back off and leave their actually adult children alone.

The questions became more permissive and the tasks more 'interesting'. Gabriel's turn had just come and he had chosen Inias.
"Inias, truth or dare?"
"Well, actually, I'd quite like to sit this one out." Inias spoke very softly, he was still shy, but Gabriel had heard him. Some of the others as well and they started laughing. Now Castiel, who had momentarily disappeared into a daydream, looked up as well. He looked first at his big brother and then at his little brother, but could see nothing wrong.
"Inias, that's not how the game goes. Truth or dare?"
"Okay...", Inias thought for a moment, "then I'll take truth."
"Is it true that you're still a virgin?" Gabriel grinned.
"Ehm... Well..." Inias choked, had to cough, and promptly blushed. The other guests whistled and jeered, but Castiel stood up and went to Inias. The man had lowered his head.

"What are you doing, Gabe?" Angrily, Castiel looked at his brother. Gabriel had been getting on Castiel's nerves mightily with his questions for a while, and he had to know the answer to the question for Inias or he wouldn't have asked it. "For you, everything is always just a game right? I guess it doesn't occur to you that you're hurting someone with it?"
He had gone to Gabriel and, since he was still sitting, stood over him.
"Naawww, Cassie, still the the great protector for our youngest?" Gabriel's voice dripped with false pity. Even if he meant it in jest, Castiel knew Gabriel knew no such thing as boundaries. Even when they were children, Gabriel had it in for Inias. He never got violent with him, but words can sometimes hurt more than a fist.
"Gabe, you're such an ass!" Castiel's response was quiet, but angry. Gabriel winked at him, stood up and now looked Castiel in the eye. A small smile played around his mouth.
"I may be an ass, I know that. But you were in one, weren't you Cassie?"

The other guests held their breaths as Gabriel and Castiel stared at each other.
"You didn't?!" Castiel was shocked. All eyes were on him. Gabriel put his hand on his shoulder, but Castiel shook it off. He didn't feel like joking anymore.
"Oh come on, we're all drunk anyway. It'll all be forgotten later." Gabriel struck a conciliatory tone. Then he turned and looked at Sam. "Winchester, I'm right, aren't I?"
Sam looked uncertainly at Castiel. "I don't know..."
"Oh man, now don't act like that." Gabriel laughed and turned back to Castiel. "Sooner or later-" But that was as far as he got, because Castiel lashed out and struck. Gabriel's head shot back and he went down.
"Traitor." That's all Castiel said. He left the living room and went to his room. The others watched him silently.

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Once in his room, Castiel gathered everything from himself and threw it into his suitcase. He didn't want to see anyone else, he didn't want any presents, he just wanted to go home.
Why hadn't he noticed Sam before? Dean had often shown him pictures of his brother. So why hadn't he recognized him? Probably because he hadn't expected to. Castiel was annoyed. He would have left immediately if he had known Sam was here.
Someone knocked on his door and opened it. Castiel prayed it wasn't Gabriel.

"Cas?" Castiel turned around, relieved but still tense. Standing in the doorway was Inias.
"What?" Castiel sounded irritated, but Inias didn't seem to mind. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
"Sam and Gabriel had a fight. The others are still there, too, speculating with whom you-"
"Stop it, Inias. Please." Castiel interrupted him.
"It's true, isn't it? What Gabe said." Inias looked at Castiel, but he looked at the ground. "Cas, I saw you with the other young man then. When he said goodbye to you at our front door. You know, where Mum, Dad and Gabe went to Grandma and Grandpa's. I walked all the way to school and back again just so he could drive away and you had time to clean up the mess." Inias laughed softly and Castiel looked at his brother.

"I can't tell you the young man's name, but you observed it correctly. He and I were even a couple until his career became more important to him." What Dean had written in the letter he concealed. Somehow he doubted Dean had meant it.
"I'm sorry about that."
"Oh come on, that's long gone and forgotten." Castiel smiled, Inias raised his eyebrows. "You better tell me what that was about your reaction to Gabe's question!"
"Well... So you know..." While Inias was searching for the right words, Castiel had sat down on the bed and gestured for Inias to join him.
"So what?" asked Castiel. Inias had his hands clasped between his thighs.

"Well, actually, I'm not a virgin anymore." Now Inias told him the story. After that he stopped and sighed.
"I could never have told Gabe all that. That's why I was so happy when you showed up. I was hoping, at the risk of sounding childish now, that you would give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay. Like you used to. When you actually said that yesterday, I was about to burst." Inias looked at Castiel. "I really missed you, Cas!" said Inias softly.

Castiel swallowed.
"I'm so sorry about that. If I had known what you were going through here, I would have come back!"
"Bullshit. You needed time to yourself."
"Yeah anyway. I'm sorry." They were both silent for a moment, then Castiel spoke again. He was sitting cross-legged by now, and in such a way that he could now look at Inias. "That you are confused, I can understand, but have you ever thought about it? I mean, why are you confused? I was no different back then. But I realized very soon that girls could be nice, but that I couldn't do anything more with them. It were always the boys who fascinated me."
"But, you never showed anything to indicate that."
"How could I. In this family, you only count if you marry a woman, or in Anna's case, a man, and start a family. With me, questions were never asked because I was so busy with school. Later came university, I had more opportunities and since I always had good grades, Mum and Dad didn't ask either. When I finished studying and came back here, it became more difficult then. When I met Dean, I often got into trouble explaining things to Mum. I'd quite often come home late or stay out for a few days, but I never brought a woman with me. Secretly, I wonder why I didn't get caught to this day."

"Cas?"
"Yes."
"Is Dean the young man where you wouldn't say the name?"
"Shit, yeah. It just slipped out now." Castiel shook his head at himself.
"It's all right. And yeah, I've thought about my confusion a few times, but just like you said - in this family, it doesn't count. And that's why I leave it at meeting women."
"Inias, if that doesn't make you happy though?"
"It will, I promise."

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Castiel had closed his suitcase after the conversation and had told Inias that he would now go to the motel at the end of town. If Inias should change his mind after all, Castiel would take him with him in the evening. There was room enough in his apartment. Inias had smiled and hugged Castiel again.

Of course, Castiel had to pass Gabriel on his way out. The guests, except for Meg and Sam, had all left. Meg stepped into his path first.
"Cas, you don't have to leave right now."
"Yes I do, I'm going."
"Come on, Cassie." Gabriel interjected. "Don't be a coward." That made anger boil up again in Castiel.
"I'm not a coward, Gabriel," Castiel shouted angrily. "I'm just a man who was trying to protect himself and the person he loves. From a world where we always have to defend ourselves, aren't acknowledged by the people who most should be, and are labeled by everyone as 'people of a different species' as soon as the truth comes out. So tell me Gabriel, who is the coward here? Me or you? Me who tried to have a life or you and your people who hide behind an old book and prejudice because they are afraid to get out of their comfort zone and would have to realize that the world is just not all black and white?!"
"Cassie-"
"You know what, Gabe? I'm really surprised you didn't bring 'him' here. After everything you've done here. You probably wanted to start small first by bringing his brother here. But it doesn't work like that. You may have had good intentions when you lured me here, but I can't trust you anymore. You promised it..."

"CASTIEL NOVAK!" they all cringed, for no one had heard Naomi and Chuck coming. "What are you yelling about? Have you looked at your watch? And what are you up to, leaving us again without saying anything?"
"Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you guys up. And yes, I'm going to go. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. But Gabriel can tell you everything else later. He's in a chatty mood."

Castiel smiled at Inias, who had come into the living room. He gave Sam an expressionless look, which Sam returned. He gave Meg a brief but firm hug. He also hugged his father and mother; it would be the last time, he knew. Then he stopped in front of Gabriel, looked at him sadly and held out his hand.
"Farewell, Gabe."
Then he left the house and his, for one day returned, old life.

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It was half past four in the morning when he was handed the key to his room. He put down his suitcase and lay down on the bed, totally exhausted as he was. Within seconds he was asleep.

A knock woke him up. Still half asleep, he glanced at the cell phone he had somehow placed on the nightstand. Eight o'clock.
The knocking did not stop. Grumbling, Castiel got up, took a step and fell lengthwise. He had forgotten his suitcase.
Castiel picked himself up, rubbed his aching arm, and shuffled to the door. If it was room service, he would ask that they not return until lunch. He opened the door.

"What the hell?"
"Oh shit, Sam was right!"
"Dean?"

Chapter Text

It was his birthday, 8 o'clock in the morning and Castiel was thinking.

The fact that Dean was standing in front of the motel door could only be a bad dream. Someone wanted to play a trick on him. He shook his head and slammed the door. But the knocking started again. Castiel took a deep breath, then opened the door a second time. It was not a dream. Dean was actually standing in front of the door. They looked at each other.

Dean had changed, Castiel had to admit. He had become thinner, he had dark rings under his eyes and the first gray appeared in his hair. But that was only noticeable because Dean and Castiel were standing close to each other. The only thing that hadn't changed was the gleam in his green eyes. Castiel shook his head slightly. How long had those eyes haunted him? And how often did they still do so today?

Dean also noticed changes. Castiel had gained a little weight, but really only a little. And it suited him well, he no longer looked as slim as before. Dark circles had formed under his eyes and he looked much older. The only thing that reminded Dean of the Castiel from before were those piercing blue eyes and the way Castiel tilted his head to the side when he was thinking. That's exactly what Castiel was doing right now, and Dean, who had often thought of that gesture, cleared his throat.

"What do you want?" asked Castiel gruffly. It seemed he didn't want an answer, as he turned away from the door and walked toward the center of the room. Dean stood in the doorway a little indecisively, but then stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
"Say hello to you, ask you how you're doing? I don't know, man. Okay?"
"Say hello to me-" Castiel whirled around, his face contorted angrily. He walked toward Dean. "Say hello to me?"
"Yeah, Cas, say hello to you. It's been a while, after all."
"Been a while... Whose fault is that, then? Certainly not mine, and honestly, I could have lived better without a reunion. So, you said hello. Mission accomplished, you can go again!"
"Aren't you even interested in how I found you?" Dean sounded cautious.
"No, I don't care. Now go," Castiel replied irritably. "And don't call me 'Cas' anymore, that time is over."

"I was talking to Sam. About us. I explained everything to him and found out two years ago that Sam is friends with Gabriel. I sought Gabriel out and asked about you. He couldn't tell me anything, though, and I gave up hope of ever meeting you again." Dean's voice sounded sad.
"You talked about us?" asked Castiel in shock. "You talked even though we agreed to keep it under lock and key?" Castiel began to tremble.
"Yes, I couldn't at some point. When I found you were gone.... I wasn't well."
"You weren't well?" hissed Castiel. "Do you know how I was? I was left by you for a book. Do you know how cheap I felt? I loved you, Dean. With everything I had. I wanted to spend my life with you." Tears welled up in Castiel's eyes. "I would have left my family because of you. I was going to ask you to marry me. Do you understand?" Castiel looked down at the floor for a moment, then glanced at Dean.

Dean's mouth fell open in amazement. "I didn't know that!" he whispered.
"What?" Castiel gave a short laugh. It sounded anything but happy, though. "That I loved you?"
"No. That's not what I meant. I'm just surprised at how much I really meant to you."
"Yeah, how could you. You only had your career in mind, after all."
"That's not fair, Castiel. You know how much that book meant to me." Now Dean sounded angry. Castiel narrowed his eyes. Had he been asked later what had triggered it, he probably would have just shrugged. Whether it was Dean's obsession with the book or the argument with Gabriel that was still bothering him? I don't know. Whatever it was, the anger boiled up again and Castiel lashed out.

Dean, who hadn't seen the punch coming, went down. He wasn't hit hard, yet he looked up at Castiel, a little confused but also angry. He stood up and, holding his left cheek, walked toward Castiel....
"Dude, what was that about?" cursed Dean, shoving Castiel. He lashed out again, but this time Dean intercepted the fist first. Now, as Castiel raised his other arm to hurt Dean elsewhere, Dean enclosed him in his arms.
"Stop it!" he said calmly but firmly. "This isn't making it better." Castiel tried to break free of the embrace, Dean only held him tighter. "The best thing is, you-"
"Don't tell me what to do!" Castiel's voice sounded exhausted and he began to shake. "Don't fucking tell me what to do!" He sobbed.

"Hey," Dean said softly and began stroking Castiel's back. Castiel, meanwhile, was holding onto Dean's jacket desperately, his face pressed against Dean's shoulder. Dean rested his head against Castiel's and rocked them both back and forth gently.
"I wanted so badly to talk to someone about this, it would have been a lot easier for me to deal with the whole thing. But I stuck to our agreement, Dean. Even though it was damn hard. To be honest, it still is. I don't understand how you could break that promise?!" Castiel had spoken very quietly, but Dean had understood everything. He loosened the hug and pushed Castiel a little away from him.
"Cas, look at me. Please." Castiel glanced at Dean. "It's over, okay? Talk to me. Tell me everything. Laugh, cry, yell at me, but please talk to me."
"Dean, it's not that simple. I-"
"Yes it is, Cas" Dean said, putting his hands around Castiel's face, "it's that simple." He looked at Castiel intently, then lowered his head a tiny bit. Their lips touched, just very lightly, but for both of them it felt like time stood still. At first Castiel didn't move, but a short moment later he sighed, wrapped his arms around the middle of Dean's body and returned the kiss with more vigor.
It wasn't just a kiss, they both knew it, it was coming home.

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When Castiel woke up for the second time this morning, he didn't do it alone.

At first he was a little confused, but then it came back to him. Dean was here and he was lying, snuggled close to Castiel, behind him. Dean still seemed to be asleep, so Castile kept quiet, snuggled a little closer to Dean, closed his eyes and smiled. Yes, Dean was here.

Not five minutes later, Dean's hand, which until then had rested on Castiel's stomach, began to move. Dean let it rest on Castiel's abdomen and Castiel could feel the warmth radiating from it. Very lightly, Dean stroked his finger along the cuff of Castiel's boxers and Castiel moved slightly. Dean laughed softly.

"So you're awake, then?" murmured Dean, right by Castiel's ear. Castiel's skin crawled.
"Mmh," he murmured just as softly, stretching his neck a little. Dean understood immediately and began kissing lightly from his ear down to his shoulder. Castiel's response sounded like a purr.
"Dean?" asked Castiel softly.
"Mmm," Dean said now, but didn't let that stop him from continuing to spread kisses on Castiel's neck.
"We need to-" He gasped, Dean had reached under his ear and was sucking lightly. "We need to talk, Dean."
"Mmh."But Dean didn't seem to be interested in that, wandering his lips along Castiel's jaw and muttering a 'later' when he reached his chin. Castiel clasped Dean's hand, which was still stroking along the cuff of his shorts. He could feel himself starting to get hard again. He turned his head to Dean, mumbled an 'okay' and pulled Dean down to him.

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It was just a simple kiss and Castiel turned so he was laying on his back. Dean pushed himself up and settled on top of Castiel, never breaking the kiss. When they came up for air, Dean burried his hads in Castiel's hair. They looked at each other.
"I missed you," whispered Castiel.
"i missed you too" whispered Dean. He placed a kiss on Castiel's nose. "I missed your face, your lips, the way you kissed me, the way your fingers tightened in my hair." He placed a kiss on Castiel's right cheek. "The way your body moved, no matter if you were under or above me. The way we cuccled afterwards." He kissed Castiel's left cheek. "The way you talked. The way you listened when I had a bad day. Your cooking, your selfmade pie, how you managed to stay calm when I talked about 'Baby'. The many times I turned your romantic movies down and switched channels so I could watch my action movies and you never said anything. And so much more. Cas, I'm really glad you're here." Dean's voice hitched. "And I'm so sorry." He kissed Castiel again, this time on his mouth. "Let me show you how sorry I am, okay? Please."

But before Castiel could say something, Dean pushed himself up and shifted so he'd sink down between Castiel's legs. He took of Castiel's boxer shorts and wrapped his hand around the other man's length. Castiel gasped, pushed himself up and settled onto his elbows. He wanted to see what Dean had in mind. Dean stroked his hand up and down, slowly, and Castiel hold his breath. Yes, it was a good feeling.

Dean's hand curled gently around the base. His gaze flicked up and met Castiel's. They already had one round earlier but it hadn't been like what was about to happen now. This time it would be different.
"I missed this too," Dean said but before Castiel could ask what he meant, Dean's lips wrapped around the head of his cock.

"Argh," Castiel made, dropping back onto the pillow. Dean's mouth was warm and wet. There was also a tiny hint of teeth as Dean slowly went down. He let his tongue explore the underside and Castiel had a hard time to not push up his hips.
Dean went up again so only the head was in his mouth. The tip of his tongue swiped around it and then pressed into the slit. Castiel held onto the sheets and moaned. Then his hands let go and he slid them into Dean's hair. Dean hummed in approval and the vibration went right down Castiel's cock.

Dean repeated this a few times but Castiel pulled on Dean's hair harder and Dean let go of his cock. Castiel motiones that Dean should come to him and Dean crawled up Castiel's body. Then their lips came together in a slow but passionate kiss which sent shockwaves of pleasure down both their spines. Castiel's tongue grazed Dean's bottom lip and Dean opened them so their Tongues could meet. They both groaned.

"Fuck," Dean breathed, burying his hands in Castiel's hair while Castiel rested his on Dean's hips. Their erections lined up, Castiel thrusted up in a slow move.
"This-" Dean gasped with pleasure. Castiel's hands were on his ass and the squeeze pulled their hips harder together. Their mouths met and again it was slow but passionate. Dean knew that this was Castiel's favourite kind of making love. He chuckled and Castiel turned them around so that he was on top now.

Castiel captured Dean's lips once more and rolled his hips again. Still easy and slow. Dean put his arms around Castiel in a tight embrace. Yes, he had missed this. To be near a person but not only with the body.
Dean broke off the kiss and turned his head to the side. Castiel started to kiss from his chin to his ear, never stopping to roll his hips. They're both heavely breathing by now. When Castiel reached Dean's ear he murmered.
"Turn to your side." Dean obeyed.

Soon after he turned around, Dean could feel Castiel's strong hands wrapped around his stomach. Castiel spooned him tightly, pressing his lips to Dean's neck. He groaned and turned his head so he could give Castiel a proper kiss. While Castiel's hands wandered down over his chest to his hard cock, his mouth came to Dean's ear.
"You know-" Castiel purred, "I'm sorry as well." His hand began to stroke Dean's erection, his own cock slid between Dean's ass cheeks. Dean asked himself blurrely when Castiel had removed his boxer shorts. The hand moved again.
"Geez, Cas," whimpered Dean.
"Ssh." Castiel's hand was still stroking him in a lazy motion but he tightend his grip a little bit. "Let me show you how sorry I am."

"Cas?" Dean asked, his hips rocking back against Cas's. Castiel let out a quiet moan.
"I'll make it good for you, Dean." He let go of Dean's hard on and Dean whined. But he gasped when he felt Castiel's finger brushing against his hole. Castiel removed his hand and turned away to grab the lube which was standing on the nightstand. He also took a condom. He was sure that he wasn't 'ill' but better safe than sorry. When he gripped Dean again, the other man squirmed. Castiel chuckled.
"Are we a little impatient?" Dean grunted and rocked back. He had missed this. Only for Castiel he bottomed, he only trusted him. So yes, he was a little impatient. He wanted to feel it again. He wanted the feeling of letting go.

When Castiel's first finger pushed in he sighed but also tensed up. Castiel kissed his neck and then under his earlobe.
"Relax, Dean," Castiel said softly. As soon as Dean did it he moved his finger in and out, slowly. Dean's breath came through his open mouth and his fingers curled the sheets.
"Cas-" Dean panted, eyes closed. "I need- Can you-?" Castiel hushed and kissed Dean's neck. After a moment he inserted a second finger and kisses his shoulder.
"Is this what you wished for?" He began to move the fingers already scissoring them. Dean panted and curled in himself a bit.

"Cas, please." He begged but Castiel only pulled him closer.
"No, Dean. Not yet, just relax." The slow torture continued but then Castiel added the third finger. Dean groaned.
"Ff- Cas-," he whispered. Castiel moved again and Dean could feel the burn but it didn't matter. Pleasure he felt too and he wanted more. He began to rock back against Castiel's fingers.

Castiel removed his fingers after stretching Dean open so it wouldn't hurt, both of them were already sweating. Dean heard how Castiel rolled on the condom and used some lube so he would get in easier. Castiel positioned himself at Dean's entrance, wrapped a hand around Dean's cock and slowly pushed in. Both men held their breaths until Castiel bottomed out and then moaned simultanisly.

"Are you okay, Dean?" Castiel asked in a raspy voice.
"Yeah, Cas, I'm alright." Dean murmered. He turned his head and smiled. "Just move, please." With his other arm an hand Castiel held him even closer and locked their lips. It turned out to be a very passionate but also gentle kiss. Castiel pulled his hips back a little bit and pushed forward again. Dean let out a quiet moan and Castiel repeated the move. Only this time he pulled out a bit further before diving back in.

Dean began to shiver. "Please, Cas" he whispered against Castiel's mouth. "I need more."
"No, just like this." Castiel told Dean. He had found a languid rhythm for them while kissing Dean deeply. But when Dean begged again he managed to put more power behind the next thrust. Dean rocked back against him and Castiel who by now has burried his face in Dean's neck, moaned.
"I'll do it this way, y'know? It's me who's saying sorry." He wrapped his hand around Dean's erection and began to stroke him, matching his thrusts. Dean closed his eyes. "But I'll add this."

"Ah, shit," whispered Dean. Castiel chuckled but didn't stop. This felt so good, so familiar. Dean opened his eyes, his breath hitched. Castiel noticed it. He slowed down.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked softly. Dean turned his head and his watery eyes looked at Castiel.
"I-" he swallowed and shook his head as if he wanted to escape a different world. "Just don't stop, okay?"
Castiel smiled. "I won't." Then he kissed Dean, tenderly and his hand and hips began to move again. Dean choked out a moan and Castiel moaned in response. Castiel's hand tightened a bit more around Dean and his thumb swiped around his head and Dean realized the certain feeling in his abdomen.
"Cas-"

After one or two more slow thrusts and a squeezed fist, he came. He locked up, clamped down around Castiel's cock. He didn't make a sound he only pressed their lips together harder. A few seconds later, Castiel followed.
Both of them were sweating and heavily breathing now. Castiel slipped out slowly, took off the condom and threw it on the ground. They could care about it later.

Castiel put his second arm around Dean as well and pulled him close. They were still lying under the covers, all sweaty, and they were supposed to be taking a shower, but neither of them wanted to get up. Now Castiel also felt Dean start to shake and cling to his arms.
"Hey," he said softly. "It's okay." Then he freed his arms and turned onto his back. "Come here."
Dean rolled over and snuggled against Castiel. He buried his head in the crook of Castiel's neck. Castiel stroked his back soothingly.

"I'm really sorry, Cas," Dean affirmed softly, his voice shaky. "I really missed you." Castiel cleared his throat, then replied just as quietly.
"I think you know there's still some clarification needed on some things, but I hope we do better this time." Dean laughed softly.
"Don't you think that's a little too soon? I mean, we haven't seen each other in five years."
"No, I don't. Sure, there's a certain amount of 'getting to know each other again' involved, but I believe in us. You know what I mean? If there was nothing more between us, I could have sent you away earlier without a second thought. You probably wouldn't have even come here. So. I don't know about you, but I'm going back home today. You're welcome to come with me, and it doesn't have to be permanent yet, but I want to get out of here."
"I'll definitely come visit you, give me a few days first. I have to finish something here and then I can take some time off." He stopped for a moment, then said softly. "I want to be with you again." Castiel gave him a kiss on the head. 
"And me with you." They both smiled and shortly thereafter they fell asleep, even though it was already noon.

=||=||=||=||=

When Castiel woke up for the third time this day, it was almost half past three and he was alone. He got up and went to the bathroom to take a shower. Afterwards, he got dressed and grabbed his suitcase. He looked around and noticed that Dean had 'cleaned up'. He smiled. Then he looked at his cell phone and saw that Inias had texted him. "I thank you for your offer, Cas, but before I come to visit you, I have to clarify something! ;-)"
"Very nice," Castiel thought and smirked. Then he left the room.

Arriving at his car, he was astonished. A daisy and a folded note were stuck under the windshield wiper. Castiel put his suitcase in the trunk, went back and took the flower and note. The daisy he tucked behind his ear, the note he opened. He remembered that Dean had always carried a notebook with him. Then he began to read.

Chapter Text

It was the evening of his birthday and Castiel was sitting on the couch at home. The TV was on, but he hardly looked at it. He was thinking.

Dean's note had been on the coffee table since he had arrived back home. Castiel wanted to call him, but he didn't know if it might be too soon. They had just seen each other again today. And even though it was the best birthday he'd had in years, it felt to Castiel like he was crossing a line if he called Dean now.

But he couldn't concentrate on watching TV even half an hour later. He decided to let it go for the day. He got up, turned off the TV, and went to the kitchen. His mother had used to make him warm milk with honey when he was a little boy and not quiet. He had always fallen asleep after it. Why it came to him just now, he didn't know, but he would just try it.

An hour later, Castiel went to his bedroom. He was slightly annoyed.
He had burned the milk twice, made the honey run out, bumped his head while cleaning, and burned himself several times on the pot. In the end, he had managed to finish a glass of warm milk with honey, but he felt as if he had been standing in the kitchen for the first time ever.

Now he put the glass on his nightstand, put on his pajamas, crawled into bed and sat against the headboard. Then he drank a few sips, leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Wonder what Dean was doing right now?

He sighed.

Then he drank the rest of the milk, put the glass away, turned off the light, and lay down. He actually fell asleep pretty quickly, too, but that didn't last long. Around midnight Castiel woke up again. He had had a strange dream, but couldn't remember it. Maybe he would fall asleep if he turned on an audio book? He got up and went to the living room, where he had left his cell phone earlier.

Back in his bedroom, he turned on his cell phone. He had a message from Meg and one from Gabriel. Meg's was nothing more than 'maybe we'll see each other again', while Gabriel's was 'PLEASE get in touch. We need to talk.' But Castiel ignored them. Yes, maybe he had overreacted, but Gabriel had broken his promise. That hurt. He lay back in bed and turned off the light.

He stared at the screen. His wallpaper was the photo he had taken of a picture of a four-year-old boy. The boy's mother shopped regularly at the supermarket where Castiel worked under the name Steve. One day the boy had given him a picture that had a flowery meadow painted on it with lots of bees buzzing about. There was also a big bee and Jonny, the boy's name, had explained to him that it was Castiel/Steve.

Castiel had asked why the bee was called >Angel< then and Jonny explained.

"Mummy said bees are busy. So are you. You're here, you're at cookies or you're at fruit. Mummy says you make much work and I say 'like bees.' That's when Mummy nodded."

The boy had been very excited, but Castiel/Steve had smiled. Then he asked again about the name >Angel<.

"Mummy says because you make much work, you help people. Like angels. In kindergarten, I drew this picture yesterday. And I'm giving it you today."

Jonny had pushed the picture across the treadmill toward him, beaming so. His mother had looked first at her son and then at Castiel/Steve.
"I'm sorry, but Jonny wouldn't give it a rest. He really wanted to give you this." She had smiled. Castiel had tried to swallow the lump in his throat. No one had ever surprised him like this before. He was in the supermarket for at least nine hours every day, working until he dropped, but no one had ever really thanked him. And now this four-year-old showed up here and gave him a picture.

"I'm really glad, Mam," he said to the mother. Then he looked at Jonny and reached for his little hand. "Thank you so much, Jonny. I'm sure you'll be as busy as a bee someday." Jonny had laughed. Castiel/Steve had scanned the purchase and cashed it out. Then mother and child left. "Bye, angel!" Jonny had called out loudly and had waved wildly.
Castiel didn't wipe away the little tear that ran down his cheek as he served the next customer.

The picture hung in his locker, but after a few weeks it had disappeared. Castiel had wondered about that, and not a little, because only he owned the key. Oddly enough, Jonny and his mother had also never come back. What he had experienced at that time now made Castiel decide to dial the number from the note. He somehow already knew it by heart. No matter what time it was or how Dean might react, Castiel had already lost too much.

It rang twice, then picked up.
"Cas?" asked Dean. He sounded tired, but not as if he'd been asleep yet.
"Yeah, but how-?"
"Unknown number, Cas."
"Oh, right." They both laughed briefly, and Castiel shook his head at himself.
"What's the matter?" asked Dean. "Can't sleep?"
"No." Castiel muttered. "You?"
"No. Not really." Pause.

"Cas?"
"Yeah?"
"What's wrong?" Dean's voice sounded so loud it sounded like he was lying next to him. Castiel swallowed.
"I miss you, and I can't sleep." Castiel had mumbled, but Dean had understood him.
"So tell me something. Like you used to. That always helped, didn't it!" And Castiel began.

He told from the beginning.
How he had run away after their breakup....
How much he had missed Dean...
How he had never managed to start a new relationship again....
How alone he had felt....
How he still hadn't wanted to go back to his family....
How much he liked his work, despite all his efforts....
How he had received the picture of little Jonny....
How much he liked his little apartment....
How the argument with his brother kept him busy....
How afraid he was of meeting his parents again....
How much he wished he didn't wake up alone in the morning or go to sleep alone at night....

Castiel had lost track of time and he feared that Dean, who had not even interrupted him, had fallen asleep. He was about to ask if Dean was still awake, but didn't get around to it.
"Cas?" asked Dean quietly. "Can you give me your address?"
"Okay." Castiel said no more. He remained silent.
"Cas?"
"Yes?"
"Your address? Please?"
"101 Glouchester Road, Lafayette, Louisiana 70506, It's called Willow Gardens."
"Louisiana, Cas? For real?"
"Yes, Dean, Louisiana."
"All right, Cas. I want you to go to sleep now. Thank you for telling me all this. Really. Thank you for trusting me." He stopped short. "When you wake up again, the world will look very different, I promise."
"Dean?" Castiel frowned. "What-?"
"Good night, Cas." Then he hung up, and Castiel didn't understand anything anymore. He also didn't understand why he was acting like he was out of this world.

=||=||=||=||=

When Castiel woke up around half past eleven, he felt surprisingly well. The sun was shining brighter, the birds were singing louder.... Whatever that was.
He got up, showered, and made his breakfast in a good mood. According to the time, it was more like brunch, but he didn't mind. He sat down at the kitchen table and looked out at the courtyard. The sun was reflected in the blue water of the large swimming pool.

He drank his coffee, listened to the birds he could hear through the open window and enjoyed Sunday. It was a little quieter outside, you could hardly hear anything from the neighbors. In the distance he heard a low rumble and thought, illogical as it was, that maybe a thunderstorm was coming. He shook his head, got up and took the dishes to the sink. He took the rest of the groceries to the refrigerator.

He went back to the bedroom, where his private desk was. In the left drawer were still things from the relationship with Dean. Letters, small souvenirs, a disposable camera and a frame.The frame contained his favorite photo of the two of them. It was taken when they had met, before they had really gotten together.

They had been at a market and an older lady had mentioned what a beautiful couple they were. Dean had reacted a little angry and had denied it. The older lady had smiled and winked at Castiel, who had blushed slightly. Then she had asked for one of her cell phones and had taken two pictures. 
The first one hadn't turned out pretty. Dean had looked grimly into the camera, Castiel not at all.

Before the woman had taken the second picture, which was now in the frame, Castiel had turned his back on her and whispered to Dean: "Let's take these pictures quickly, and then we'll be rid of her. And we'll have a little memory of this day."
Dean had looked at him and Castiel could see he was thinking. Then Dean had smiled, nodded, and in Castiel's stomach the butterflies had flown off again. They had met months ago in the library at their university and Castiel had believed from day one that a new life had begun for him. He didn't know if Dean felt the same way, though.

He had turned around, the woman had nodded, and Castiel had kissed Dean on the cheek. He had taken the unique chance to get closer to Dean in this way. With astonishment he had noticed that Dean's hand pressed more firmly against his shoulder in the process. He had closed his eyes then. He wanted to capture the moment.
Eventually, though, the photo was taken and they moved apart again. The woman had handed Castiel his phone back and had left with a 'what a handsome couple'. Dean and Castiel had looked at each other a little uncertainly, then laughed and shrugged.

Something had changed since then, Castiel sensed. And he was to be proved right, for when they had arrived at Castiel's room on campus, Dean had shut the door behind them, pulled Castiel to him, spun them around, had pressed Castiel against the door and kissed him (and how he had done it) until they had both been breathless.

Now Castiel looked at the photo somewhat wistfully. It reminded him of a time that was long gone. Yes, he and Dean had decided to try again, but could they have back what they had once had? He didn't know himself where these doubts came from. He hadn't had them yesterday. Maybe they would go away when he and Dean had everything settled. He put the picture back in the drawer.
Then there was a knock.

He went to the door, but he wasn't really expecting anyone. It was 2 p.m. on a Sunday. He opened and almost fell over backwards. He hadn't expected to see Dean. They eyed each other slightly uncertainly, then laughed and Dean shrugged.
"Sorry, Cas, but after that phone call tonight, I left right away."
"Oh. Oh, that's why you were so weird. I was starting to think..."
"No, was just startled by some of the things you said. That's why I left right away. I wanted to see you."
"Dean-"
"Will you let me in?"

Castiel backed away, letting Dean enter. Dean closed the door, grinned briefly, pulled Castiel to him, spun them around, and pressed Castiel against the door. Their lips met and they kissed until they couldn't breathe. Then Dean broke away and looked at Castiel.
"Just a kiss, Cas? Like the old days?" Castiel shook his head slightly. He kissed Dean on the mouth and across the jaw toward the ear.
"No," he began. He kissed Dean on the neck, then gave him a kiss on the collarbone. Dean gasped for air. He pulled Castiel close, and Castiel returned the hug. The doubts from before were gone.
"No, Dean. It wasn't just a kiss then, and it isn't just a kiss now!"

Chapter Text

First Chapter

~ The 'letter' pictures are made with PicsArt
~ Gabriel's disappearance will be explained in one of the following parts of the series

Second Chapter

~ It is possible to get from Lawrence, Kansas to Lafayette, Louisiana within one day (or the other way around)

~ Inias's story will be told in more detail in another part of the series
~ Sam and Castiel will talk in person, too

Third Chapter

~ Dean and Cas will talk more in one of the following parts.
~ Picture of 'Dean's note' is made with PicsArt.
~ The phone number is made up, nevertheless I ask not to try it, because it could be real.
~ Why I chose the daisy?
1) We know the daisy as a May or Easter flower. Their appearance heralds the beginning of spring.
The little flower stands for: New beginning, loyalty, trust, innocence, constancy, purity and modesty.
2) A daisy can be found everywhere so it was easier despite the fact that they were at a motel and it would be a little bit weird if Dean had found white roses or something similar in its meaning.

Fourth Chapter

~ I searched for apartments in Lafayette, Louisiana and actually found one which I could use as inspiration. Name and location are real and if you want to take a look at it, here's the link: Castiel's Apartment
~ Liam's picture is made by me. I hope it looks like a four-year-old has drawn it.
~ If you wish, I will describe the deja-vú of Dean & Castiel more precisely in one of the following parts.