Chapter Text
The dull landscape passed by like the reels of a movie moving fast forward, the autumn sky promised of rain, and the melancholic music in the player did not make the mood better. As the car slowly traversed along the road, Jin wearily rubbed his temples. The road seemed endless. A large house, built of dark grey stones, loomed in the distance. A massive ornate iron gate swung open as the black car passed though. The driver opened the door to the new Mercedes, allowing Jin to get out of the car. A fresh breeze of the cool morning pleasantly tickled his nostrils and Jin sighed deeply, immediately he felt better.
The house was in the Cornwall, in southwest England. This place was the land of Celtic legends and to some this was the homeland of the legendary King Arthur.
He glanced around the stately home in front of him. The house looked just like Jin imagined. The house had stood here for centuries and many generations succeeded and lived within its walls. When Jin saw it on the brochure, he felt that he should come here. The house beckoned him, promising him something, and Jin wanted to believe that here he will find the something that he had been looking for so long, his inspiration - And to finally finish his masterpiece.
With deliberate steps, he walked along a path lined with heavy boulders and pushed the glass door, stepping inside. He felt a chill from somewhere in the depths of the house and goose bumps ran down his spine. He could smell the dust and the dampness, the musty smell that only old houses had. The house needed so much work before it could be livable again. Fortunately for him, the housekeeper who he hired would come the next day and clean everything. While Jin walked the long hall of the house, a strange feeling appeared in the pit of his stomach. This house was exactly what he was searching for. He can finish his book here. He can feel the headache fading away and Jin already felt the burst of energy in his hand, his fingers couldn’t wait to touch the cool keyboard and start typing.
*~*~*
When Jin first started writing, he was only 18 years old. He always had a very rich imagination, picturesque scenes just pop into his mind. He also loved reading a lot and always could express his feelings better in paper than talking with people. He wasn’t shy really but when faced with people, all words and thoughts evaporate leaving his mind blank. But when he had a pen and paper, he could write long and eloquent discourses about his thoughts and feelings.
His first novel was a story of one hero - his name was Kaoru. Jin wrote a lot about the character, he described in detail every trait of Kaoru: his appearance, his beautiful eyes, his not very full but refined lips. Kaoru wasn’t very tall; he was very delicate and sensitive. Kaoru loves animals and when he laughed, everyone wanted to smile in response. Kaoru was like the sunshine, people around were drawn towards him, to bask in the warm rays of his gentle eyes. Kaoru was very kind and compassionate. He believed on the good of people, he maybe a little bit naïve, but it was part of his charm.
Jin lovingly described what Kaoru liked and what he disliked. He devoted all his time to Kaoru. It was like an obsession. Jin wrote without rest, as if he was afraid to miss something and then the idea of Kaoru would be incomplete.
But after having finished a few chapters, Jin was in despair. He felt like he was being sucked into a huge hole, a hole full of emptiness and nothingness. He did not know what to write anymore.
After few weeks in severe depression, he bought a laptop and started typing a different story. It was a simple love story about two young people who gave up everything to be with each other.
With his novel on hand, he knocked at the doors of many a publisher just to be denied. Finally went into a small firm headed by a young man in argyle sweater with a big nose. The man had a very prepossessing appearance and with a perspicacious stare, he took the novel and promised to read it.
Jin could only wait and hope that the man in the argyle sweater would find his novel interesting, or at least worthy of attention. The next evening, the phone rang shrilly throughout his little apartment. He picked up the phone and heard a calm voice. The called introduced himself as Nakamaru, his new editor and Jin now had work and very soon his book would be on the shelves of all bookstores in the country.
Jin was stunned by the news and just stood there for a while until the pain from clutching the telephone receiver so hard made itself known. Now he was a real writer and people would be reading his books.
Jin’s first book became a bestseller. After few months, he wrote another one and the new book was even more successful. With every book Jin got more famous, his name was on everyone's lips, critic laud to the skies his extraordinary writing style, the fans admired his soulful, touching love stories. Jin basked in the glory, enjoying success and wealth.
After 10 years, Jin was still one of the most respectable and famous Japanese writers around the world. There were awards, interviews, a few TV talk-shows and his books, all bestsellers. He was at the peak of his career and in the depths of despair after another painful break up.
Despite Jin’s popularity, wealth and attractive appearance, he was doomed to constant failure in his personal life. He couldn’t build any lasting relationship. Jin wasn’t a playboy or the kind of man who liked spending his time, having fun and running away from serious relationships. It maybe was true once upon a time when he was younger, but no longer.
Jin was 28 years old and he wants to be loved, to have a home where he can return and a precious person who will wait for him. But no matter what he did, no matter how he loved his partner in the end he was left alone, not fully understanding what he did wrong. They always told him the same thing: “You didn’t love me enough!” or “I’m not what you are waiting for”.
Jin felt lost, alone in his now huge and modern apartment in the middle of Tokyo.
So Jin poured his troubles to his psychologist, Ueda who listened to Jin’s whole story about his life as told by Jin. Jin was really uncomfortable, trying to find right words. He even told Ueda that he will just write about his life and have Ueda read about it, but the doctor declined. According to him, Jin needed to talk this out, his blankness and inability to communicate personally, he needed to say it out loud not write it on paper. Jin felt naked like this and had the urge to cover himself with his notebook and write everything there. Listening to the insecure man before him ranting had Ueda doubting if the man was really the famous writer Akanishi. But Ueda is nothing but professional and it was his duty to help his patient, so they tried to find the most comfortable and safest topic they could talk about so that Jin would open up.
And they found it in Kaoru. Jin spoke for hours about Kaoru, about his character, about Kaoru preferences, how Kaoru loved listening to stories, and how he hated reading, how Kaoru loved helping animals where if he saw some little wounded bird, he would even start crying and will help to poor bird. The expression on Jin’s face was of pure adoration.
Once, Ueda asked how old Kaoru was in Jin’s story: “He is young, no longer a baby, but not yet an adult”.
“Why can’t you finish this novel?”- Ueda asked Ueda.
At the question, Jin became sad and a doomed expression appeared on his face. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
The following words of the psychologist made Jin freeze, shock-eyed staring at one spot with unblinking eyes which scared Ueda a bit.
“You created an ideal. And you compared your every partner to this ideal, which your partners does not hold a candle to. I believe that if you finish this book you will feel freer and it will help you as this story meant so much to you. I’m sure you can do it”
Jin wanted to believe in Ueda’s words because every person needed to believe in something to go on, they need to hope so that they could go on and make everything alright. When Jin found the house in Cornwall, he had a strange feeling. He felt that it was the perfect place, the place where he can finish Kaoru’s story.
*~*~*
His footsteps echoed on the wooden stairs, reverberating through the empty house where no one lived for so many years. Jin opened the door to the big room and entered, looking around. Antique furniture, luxurious drapes, crystal chandeliers. The house bewitched him, tantalizing him more and more. The high ceilings, the arched doorways, the magnificent paintings on the walls were truly magnificent. Jin sat on a sofa drinking the sight, enjoying the atmosphere.
He settled comfortably, watching how the driver entered the house with his suitcase and a bag containing a computer. The sky was pretty overcast the whole day, but when somebody opened the dusty window, the sun came out of the clouds, momentarily blinding Jin. Jin saw this as an augury that he will be able to write and finish Kaoru’s story here. It took the housekeeper and two other people a few days to clean the house making it more livable, making Jin breath more freely without sneezing. He had an awful allergy to dust. The housekeeper was a very nice woman who lived in the village. She was very friendly, with round cheeks and warm little hands. She told Jin that she would come twice during the week to help him. She even pinched his cheeks telling him that he was so skinny and that next time she will bring her best apple pie.
*~*~*
Jin was finally alone in a clean house after moving in. The house smelled like the coniferous gel that the housekeeper used in washing the floors. Jin sat in the sofa near the big fireplace, the firewood cracked with a hiss, he looked at the fire without blinking. It was dancing some mysterious dance and Jin felt how his eyelids became heavy and making him want to sleep. He yawned and decided to go to the bedroom, sleeping on the couch would be too painful for his back. He will take a good rest today for tomorrow he will start to write.
His bedroom was on the second floor. Jin entered the room which had a big four-poster bed. He undressed and lay down, snuggling the pillows under the covers. Jin heard the monotonous ticking of the old grandfather clock in the living room; a few minutes later he fell asleep.
*~*~*
He awoke to the sound of the sea waves, the sunbeams gently caressed his face. Slowly he opened his eyes, noticing the boy who sat near him playing with a little turtle. A gentle smile graced his face as he continued to observe his brother.
-Ren!- the smaller boy said, counting the turtle’s legs.
-Hmm, - a lazy response, it was so good just lying down doing nothing.
-I think it would be great to be turtle! – the boy said thoughtfully.
Ren started laughing looking at his brother’s funny expression.
-Why do you want to be a turtle? You resemble more like the little kitten that our gardener found yesterday.
-Because turtles have shells- he answered matter of factly, annoyed that Ren couldn’t understand such a simple thing himself.
-So? – Ren looked at him, puzzled; sometimes it was difficult to follow his younger brother’s train of thought.
-So that if it will thunder again today, I can just hide in my shell…- A tinge of embarrassment and sadness could be heard in his voice.
Ren messed Kaoru’s black hair. He remembered how he found his brother yesterday, trembling and in horror because of a loud thunder.
-Silly! You don’t need a shell, you can always come to me and I will hide you…- he said gently.
Kaoru was afraid of thunder and yesterday Ren had to stretch his imagination and tell stories to his little brother to distract him. They sat on a blanket and Ren told numerous stories before Kaoru finally fell asleep.
*~*~*
Jin opened his eyes. The strange dream still lingered in his memory. The dream felt so real and Jin was doubly shocked because he was sure that it was Kaoru who was in his dreams, the Kaoru whom Jin created in his unfinished book.
Jin sat in front of the laptop, waiting for the document to open. There was a cup of fresh coffee in his hand and a cheese sandwich in a plate near the laptop. He took a bite and started typing. In the huge room which Jin made his study, only the clacking of the keyboard could be heard.
*~*~*
This story took place many years ago, at the turn of the last century. The main character was Jonathan Black, the most eccentric Lord in all of England. He was very rich and famous. It was because of his lifestyle which distinguished Lord Black from the whole standoffish, snobbish English high society. And then after a few years of travelling around the world, Lord Black returned married to an exotic-looking woman named Aya. The ton expressed outrage at the blatant disregard of the rules of the noble society. But Lord Black didn’t react to any of it and retreated to his mansion in Cornwall with his beloved wife.
After a few years, the ton began to indulgently at Lord Black’s marriage, saying that his wife was a very nice woman from Japan, where the people are not wild and uncouth as they thought in the beginning. Lord Black didn’t care about other people’s opinion; he was crazy in love with his wife and was in seventh heaven after she gave birth to two sons two years apart.
Lord Black was loyal to his family and his love for his wife reached its pinnacle when he gave both his sons Japanese names. This had the prudes of London boiling in indignation. He named the older son Ren and youngest Kaoru. His sweet wife loved these names and he loved everything that she loved.
Lord Black lived with his happy family in his splendid mansion in Cornwall. But this happiness did not last long. After ten years, his wife succumbed to her illness. The severe climate of Cornwall wreaked havoc on her very fragile health and after fighting illnesses that followed one after the other, she died on a cold winter day. She left her sons and a husband who was crushed and lost all purpose in life.
Not long after the funeral, Lord Black packed his suitcase and started travelling again. He left his remaining family with no definite date when he will be back. He committed to memory the images of his beloved sons the day he left. The older boy’s eyes were calmer but the father can see in his brown orbs, which resembled so much his mother’s, anxiety. He was holding firmly his younger brother’s hand, who was hiding behind Ren’s back. His heart ached for Kaoru, who inherited the fragile health from his mother. It was too painful for the Lord to stay in this home because everything reminded of the happiness that he could never ever have again.
He left his sons under the strict supervision of a nurse and a priest, but in reality they were left to themselves. The Black Manor was near the ocean, so every day after their lessons with the priest finished, the boys ran to the rocky beach, where they spent the remaining of the day. They played with the stones and rocks. Kaoru would look for different little animals and took care of them. Ren read his books and afterwards retell everything to Kaoru because the younger boy didn’t like reading. And besides, he told Ren that the story was always more beautiful and interesting if the latter told it to him. Their life in the countryside was peaceful, the brothers became even more inseparable.
Kaoru’s health was very fragile, much like his mother’s. A simple cold would leave him bedridden for days. Ren would always be with his brother, telling him stories, singing him songs, distracting and cheering him up. Kaoru hated spending time in bed and only Ren could persuade Kaoru to stay put and take his medicine. Ren always took care of his brother, bearing the responsibility of a parent and loving him dearly.
*~*~*
Jin rubbed his eyes with a sigh. He threw a look outside the window and saw that it was already dark. Like always, when he had started writing, he forgot about everything. Near his laptop, he saw the empty mug and the plate with the partially eaten sandwich. Ueda had told him that this was a very irresponsible attitude. He should not forget to eat especially when he’s busy, that Jin should take better care of himself.
Jin made himself another sandwich. He looked at his watch, it was already 2 in the morning. This watch was a present from Haruhi, his girlfriend, no, ex-girlfriend. When she packed her clothes and left his flat, he could see the pain reflected in her eyes as if it was him who had dumped her when in reality it was the other way around. He saw tears in her eyes when she told him that their relationship was going nowhere and that she was not who Jin wanted.
How could she say that she knew what he wanted and what he didn’t? Haruhi was really nice and she was pretty, her body warm and his mom liked Haruhi. She told him that she couldn’t feel his love. Maybe Jin wasn’t a person who could show his feeling eloquently, that he was not a man of strong emotions but he appreciated her and enjoyed her presence. Jin took off the watch and threw it into the wastebasket. He didn’t want it anymore, no need for unnecessary reminders of memories best forgotten.
He decided to go for walk near the rocky beach on the morrow. The place was really beautiful and Jin didn’t regret leaving noisy Tokyo and going on this “insane and very expensive trip”, as how Nakamaru called it. But Jin had already made the first step towards finishing his favorite story, Kaoru’s.
*~*~*
Ren was near the entrance of their garden when he heard Jenny calling his name. He turned and looked at her with a smile. Jenny was the daughter of their doctor. Her skin was milky white and he could clearly see the noticeable curves of her supple body. Ren was 17 and her closeness excited him.
- Ren, - she said softly, a blush appeared on her peach-like cheeks, - I think I like you.
She threw Ren a hasty look and then held her face up, her eyes closed and rosy lips in a pout. Ren didn’t need a lot of time to understand her intention as he slowly bent down and kissed her.
When he finished the light kiss, her face was red and she ran away from Ren. He started laughing, his eyes following the running girl.
He didn’t notice Kaoru witnessing the scene, looking at them with a frown on his beautiful face.
Ren was reading in the huge study. Their father had sent him another packet of new novels and one of them was about pirates. Ren was sure that Kaoru would like to hear the story afterwards.
- Ren. – he didn’t hear Kaoru enter the room. His attention was on his brother’s anxious face, how anxiety filled the 15-year old boy’s face.
-What’s wrong? Are you feeling bad? - Ren put the book aside and stood near Kaoru, placing a hand on his forehead. He prayed that Kaoru didn’t catch a cold again.
Kaoru pushed Ren’s hand away which earned a surprised look from his brother.
-Kaoru, tell me what is wrong…- Ren started worriedly but Kaoru didn’t give him a chance to finish his sentence when he kissed him forcefully on the lips. Ren was taken aback, his eyes were wide open.
-What are you doing, Kaoru?
-I’m kissing you.- was the grumpy response, the boy’s chin was trembling.
-You can’t kiss me. - Ren voice was severe. And Kaoru exclaimed, his arms akimbo:
-Why that cow can and I can’t? You love her more than me? - Ren saw tears in Kaoru’s eyes and tried to calm down his brother.
-Of course I love you. You are my brother. And don’t call Jenny a cow, she is a nice girl. - Ren took Kaoru’s hand giving him a reassuring smile.
-She is not! You are my brother and don’t kiss her anymore, - angry tears rolled down his cheeks.
-Ok, please don’t cry. I won’t kiss her ever again. - Ren was gently hugging the crying boy and patting his hair lovingly.
He didn’t understand why Kaoru did it but he still can feel the taste of Kaoru’s lips on his.
*~*~*
When Jin woke up, he was embarrassed as if he was some voyeur peeping into other people’s lives. He went to the bathroom and washed his face. Looking at his reflection, he saw that his face was red and he couldn’t understand where the feelings came from.
After the first night in the house, Jin started dreaming. Every night he dreamed of Kaoru. He couldn’t understand why he had these detailed dreams about things that happened. He was at a loss whether it all stemmed from his need to finish Kaoru’s story or whether his subconscious was playing a trick on him.
Jin began to devote all his time to his book now, even when he was asleep he thought about his book. Maybe it was the reason, why it was already 5AM and he still couldn’t sleep. Jin lay in his huge bed, hoping that he would be able to sleep without dreams. We can hope, but not always our hopes implemented.
*~*~*
Ren was already asleep when he was jolted when a warm body slipped beside him. He opened one eye and uttered sleepily:
-Kaoru? Thunder? - the younger boy just nodded and snuggled closer to his brother, hiding his face on the pillow. The deafening clap of thunder broke the silence and lightning lit the room for a moment. Kaoru was trembling beside Ren and the latter tried to pat his head gently.
Kaoru had been afraid of thunders all his life and his fear was not like a normal person when jolted suddenly. It was more like a panic attack, every time there was thunder he would go into hysterics. Only Ren’s presence could calm him. Every time there was thunder, Ren would just hug Kaoru and Kaoru would automatically calm down and after a few minutes, he would already hear the peaceful breathing of his brother.
Ren looked at Kaoru’s face and then involuntarily glanced at his lips. He still remembered how they tasted, like chocolate because Kaoru was eating cake before he kissed him and like the sea because Kaoru loved the sea and spent too many hours wandering at the solitary beach with his many pets.
Kaoru had always worn a necklace. It was just a black ribbon with a little wooden turtle tied to it. Ren made it when Kaoru’s first pet died and the latter who was just a baby cried hard over his lost friend. When Ren put the ribbon around his 6-year old brother’s neck, the tears had dried and a smile appeared on the little pale face. Until now, Kaoru still wore it.
Ren closed his eyes, he was still sleepy but when he felt how Kaoru turned in his dream, his heart would start pounding like crazy. After the kiss, Kaoru acted like nothing happened so Ren just wrote it off as another one of his childish pranks. Kaoru was a very spoilt child, kind but really spoiled which Ren took the blame for. Kaoru was such a sickly child and spent more time lying in bed recuperating that Ren let him do whatever he wanted just because he wanted to see his brother smile. He, after all, took care of Kaoru after their mother’s death and their father’s departure and pampered him like no one else could.
But after the kiss, something changed and it scared Ren. The lightning lit the room once again and Ren could see the shadows danced. He could see his brother lying beside him. His brother who had a thin waist and hip with delicate curves so like a girl’s. He wanted to caress the fine line of that hipbone. Ren had the strange urge to touch his long white neck dotted with tiny moles. He could see his pulse beating. Ren suddenly felt inexplicably hot and his breathing came in loud pants. He looked at Kaoru’s trusting face, lips slightly parted, and Ren never felt so ashamed of his thoughts. He must purge these thoughts from his head. Forever.
*~*~*
Jin walked the rocky beach. And even though he was wrapped in a warm long coat, he could still feel the cold ocean wind seeping all the way to his bones. Jin started writing Kaoru’s story 10 years ago but after the beginning of the book, he had no idea how to continue with the story. Jin was a novelist. He wrote about love, about relationships but he had a hard time with Kaoru’s story. He couldn’t find the right character opposite Kaoru. He started a lot of times, tried different plots and line, but everything seems wrong. He ended up tearing those to pieces.
And now he had found it, the perfect plot and the perfect character. In all his life as a writer, this idea gave him difficulty understanding and accepting it. He did not know how the idea came into his mind, brothers? It was wrong, sick even, but Jin already knew that only like this could he finish Kaoru’s story. Only with Kaoru and Ren’s love story.
*~*~*
Jonathan Black returned home to his manor one sunny day, bringing boxes of souvenirs. In his face was a smile so wide as he pressed his sons to his chest. He was happy to be home again.
Life in the Black Manor was turned upside down. Ren and Kaoru looked in amazement at the different trophies that their father brought home. There were luxurious and splendid silken Persian carpets that changed colors depending on the angle that you looked from, the different figures made of leather probably from Africa, the thinnest of Egyptian papyrus, the golden sphinx and the most beautiful fan made from pavonin. Kaoru touched the fan that looked so unreal. He asked his father if he could have it. He was bewitched of the colors and the texture of the fan.
Lord Black brought a lot of beautiful but peculiar and sometimes odd things, like the statue of a god with a lot of hands and the books with covers paved with sapphire, diamonds, pearls and gold.
The most unbelievable present was waiting in the big park, a young midnight-black Arabian thoroughbred. When Kaoru noticed the elegant animal, his heart stated racing, forgetting about the fan. He wanted it, he wanted the beautiful animal.
But the animal was yet untamed, therefore, Lord Black forbade his fragile son to come near the dangerous animal. But Kaoru didn’t want to give up. He really wanted to have the horse.
They spent days listening to Lord Black’s stories about his adventures. He told them that one day he will take both Ren and Kaoru with him. They had to see with their own eyes how great the world was outside of foggy Albion.
Lord Black looked at his sons proudly who promised to grow up as good men. He worried about Kaoru’s health and brought from overseas a special medicine which he must take to make his cough during the cold season easier.
He was a father who hadn’t seen his sons for a good few years and he missed those years that they were growing up. He looked at his boys. He thought that they would still be the same children that he left alone in the Black Manor years ago, when he was trying to find a place that would erase his pain.
But they had changed, and if he didn’t notice it, it didn’t mean that they were still the same.
Kaoru and Ren walked near the ocean almost every day, they talked about everything, joked with each other and played different games. Ren loved chess, Kaoru preferred cards.
Lord Black was that kind of father that if he was far away, he would try to hide his thoughts of his children as far as he could, and focused on his own life. But if he felt their presence, he would want to be a better father.
Once during dinner, he announced:
-Ren! You are going to London!
Silence fell around the table, and contently rubbing his hands, he continued:
-You are already 18 and you have to finish your education in London, learn how to live in society and be my successor. I know this idea will make you happy, don’t thank me, just show to these snobbish conservatives what a man from Black family is.
He winked at his who just looked at him confusion and started eating his next dish. Lord Black had shown again how eccentric he could be. He would be sending his older son to the open mouth of the conservative and snobbish high society of London that he despised and ignored before. Maybe he started thinking about the future of his son and wanted to choose the best future there was for the smart and intelligent Ren.
For his younger son, who was a bit reckless, he wanted to stay with him. He was afraid to let Kaoru from the safe walls of his house. Kaoru had a very complicated nature: he had a very kind heart, he spent all his life near the ocean walking through the rocky beach, he was to naïve for the world, and maybe a bit wild, this Lord Black could understand very well and he wanted to protect his son.
He decided to separate his sons who were inseparable before without thinking of the consequences of his radical decision.
*~*~*
Jin looked at the last word that he typed, satisfied with the results. He spent a few hours sitting in front of his laptop and now his back was aching alarmingly. Maybe it was time to rest.
Jin went to the kitchen and opened the white fridge, the nice housekeeper had left as she had promised left a plate of her special apple pie. It was delicious and he took the last piece and made tea for himself.
It was already late, the sky was pitch black and Jin couldn’t see any stars. The sky looked like a black abyss, he shivered at the strange comparison that came to his mind.
He needed to make a few calls. One to his mother, she worriedly asked if he was eating and if his back was troubling him. She knew that her son was writer and she was very proud but his sitting style left something to be desired of. She reminded him of his brother’s wedding next month and that he must have finished his work and return home. She even complained that he supposed should be the first to get married seeing that he is the eldest son, but girls ran from him because he was engaged to his work. He chuckled at her harping, thinking that no matter how old you get your mother’s voice would always have a warm effect on you and could make you homesick.
The next call was to Nakamaru. He hadn’t told him that the book would have an unconventional love story. It wasn’t easy for Jin, he could already imagine how Nakamaru would be nervously rubbing his nose while listening to Jin attempt to explain his idea. Jin put down the phone and decided that he would just write Nakamaru a long mail.
*~*~*
Ren had already finished packing. This would be the last night that he would inside this house for a very long time. On the morrow his journey towards another life would start. He was still confused over his father’s decision. It was difficult to leave the place where he had grown up and at the same time he was excited going to into the unknown.
Thinking about Kaoru was troubling him. He had already started missing his brother and he felt lost. How would he manage living without Kaoru. But what bothered him most was that Kaoru would be left alone in the manor, without Ren. Their father told them that he had found a very good teacher for Kaoru. He had met him in Japan. He was a scientist and had a degree in biology. The teacher would arrive in a few months so Kaoru wouldn’t have time to be bored.
Ren sat on his bed balling his fists as tightly as he could, he wanted to run away. He wanted to run from Kaoru, from the feelings that the younger boy awoke in him. Ren needed all his will to control the sudden urge to touch him, to kiss his lips and to hold him tight. It was wrong, he knew it very well and we would fought this strange desire tooth and nail.
It was the summer time and yesterday, they were swimming in the ocean. And when he saw Kaoru’s smooth skin, the gentle curve of his back, the line of his thin waist, the long neck, he could not take his eyes off. And when Kaoru unconsciously licked his lips, Ren swallowed hard and tried to tear his eyes away from his brother.
With each passing day, Kaoru became more beautiful and tempting for Ren. When he lay on the same blanket with Ren, blabbering about the Arabian horse whom he called Kaze, their father told them that it meant wind in Japanese and Kaoru simply loved the name, Kaoru had no idea of the storm of emotions that was swirling inside his brother’s chest and how his closeness and cold toes which sometimes touch with Ren’s affected his brother.
He heard his door opening, there was only one person who would do that. Kaoru. Ren raised his head to look at his brother.
- I’m done packing. I will be reading for a little bit then I’m going to sleep. You should too, Kaoru. Go to sleep or you won’t be able to wake up early to see me off tomorrow. – Ren wanted to sound nonchalant. He noticed Kaoru’s expression though.
Kaoru could never hide his emotions. He was very silent, his beautiful eyes full of sad emotions. When he started speaking, his voice trembled from suppressing the sadness that was growing inside of him because of Ren’s departure.
-Don’t go, - Kaoru implored.
- Don’t be a baby, Kaoru. You know that I must go. It’s father’s decision. It won’t be for a long time – he tried to calm Kaoru down, feeling anything but calm himself.
- Two years? It’s not long for you? – he could hear the accusation in Kaoru’s quivering voice.
- I will return for holidays and write you long letters. I know you don’t like it but write me long letters too. I want to know how you are here and Kaze and your turtles and that cute puppy that you found a few days ago.
He wanted to be sure that everything would be alright with Kaoru. Ren didn’t want to leave his brother behind, remembering the anxiety and uneasiness in his eyes.
Kaoru walked towards Ren. He was so close that Ren could see the shadow that his long eyelashes cast on his face. Kaoru looked at him with intense eyes, when he said the next words his voice wasn’t trembling anymore.
- I love you, Ren. – he looked expectantly at Ren.
Ren smiled, messing Kaoru’s thick locks.
- I love you too, Kaoru. You are my one and only baby brother.
Kaoru pushed Rens’s hand away. His eyes were determined when he uttered the words again, like he wanted the words to sink under Ren’s skin.
- I love you, Ren. – his eyes shone, lips parted, cheeks red as if he had high fever. Ren felt how something was crushed inside of him. He had only one desire at that moment: to run away.
He wanted to turn away when Kaoru pressed himself firmly against Ren’s body and kissed him. It was a different kiss, not even reminiscent of the first one. It was a childlike claiming kiss. Ren froze on the spot, feeling dry hot lips on his. Kaoru wanted to say everything through the kiss, to make Ren understand how scared. Lonely and lost he felt, how he would miss Ren. And how much he loves him, passionately, desperately, hopelessly.
When they parted, Kaoru hugged Ren tightly, not giving him any chance to run away. Ren felt how Kaoru trembled and shivered as he hugged him. He kissed Kaoru in the forehead; he was hot, fever again. He helped Kaoru lie on his bed.
The whole night he held Kaoru’s body which quaked from the fever, the hot puffs of his breath on Ren’s neck. He was mumbling and Ren soothingly caressed his back, whispering words that Kaoru needed.
- You will not forget me, right, Ren? – Such despair could be heard on the boy’s voice.
-Never, Kaoru.
- Don’t ever let anybody else kiss you, Ren! – another hot whisper and Kaoru snuggled closer.
-I would never.
- Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me. – a hand was placed on Ren’s cheek, hot dry hand.
-I promise.
-Love only me, Ren! Only me! I will wait for you! - Eyes shone feverishly in the darkness like lonely stars.
Ren was silent. He felt a lump in his throat and he couldn’t utter anything.
Even without saying it out loud, Ren knew that he would love Kaoru all his life.
*~*~*
When Jin opened his eyes, his heart was pounding. The strange nagging feeling in his chest didn’t let go. He stood up and felt how his pajamas were glued to his torso. He had sweated badly during his sleep. He looked at the thermometer, the temperature of the bedroom was too high, hence the heat. Jin tried to change the setting to make the room less stuffy but it seemed that the thing was broken. Jin had to open the windows, letting the chilly breeze penetrate the room.
Jin felt so tired, even more tired than before he went to sleep. Lately, even in his sleep he was being haunted by Kaoru’s story.
The last dream was so vivid, full of colors and Jin can even discern the smells and the sounds. He never in his life had so realistic dreams and it frightened him and excited him at the same time. He wanted to understand why he was having this dreams. He wanted to know the source of these dreams. Even then, these dreams helped him a lot. The story was going forward and every day he made another step towards the end of the novel. But at the same time, he wanted to understand, to get to the bottom of everything.
What bothered Jin the most was Ren’s character. Was it Jin’s imagination that created Ren or something else? He was puzzled how easy it was for him to write about the character, his desires, insecurities and feelings. Why did Jin felt that Ren was closer to him than he could fathom?
Jin knew very well that in novels the author often creates a character that in some way resembles himself, who would express his point of view. Jin thought that in this story Kaoru would be his voice but it was his error. Maybe it was the reason why he couldn’t finish the story even after ten years.
And Kaoru, with every dream and every moment that Jin spent on writing about him, he opened new sides of the character. Even then he was an enigma to Jin even if he was the one who created him.
Kaoru was perfect. He was very gentle. He has all the character traits that enraptured Jin in people but he was also free, emotional, sometimes reckless yet very deep, ungovernable yet natural in his impulses and reactions. He was a walking contradiction and absolutely perfect in his imperfection.
Jin dried his wet hair and wrapped a towel around his hips as he went to the kitchen. He poured took a glass of cold water from the fridge and drank unhurriedly. He wasn’t sure what time it was in Tokyo but he needed to talk to somebody. He dialed a number and a few seconds later he heard a calm voice answering the call from the other side of the world.
-Yes.
- Hello, it’s me. – Jin made himself comfortable on the coach, the dying embers in the fireplace quietly hissed.
- Jin, how are you? How do you find England? Ueda’s voice was always calm, his calmness spread towards Jin’s raw nerves.
-It’s really good. - Jin answered quietly.
- My cousin recommended the place. He’s photographer, traveling around the world. He would be having an exhibition of his work by the time you return to Japan. I’ll give you an invitation. He told me that the view on that part of the country is fantastic. – A pause, they both knew that Jin did not call for a polite chitchat.
- What’s bothering you Jin? - came Ueda’s professional voice.
- I’m having these dreams… - Jin’s voice sounded uneasy.
-Nightmares?
- No, about my book. But they are so realistic and I see them every night. – Jin’s grip on the phone became tighter.
-About your book? I see…- a short pause and then Ueda continued in his most professional tone that most often than not reassured Jin.
- You know Jin, there is this very famous theory by Freud about dreams. He said that your dreams can be impressions of your day like when you think too much about your book that even in your dreams your subconscious thinking will manifest itself. Sometimes, it is also a manifestation of your desires, your hidden desires some of which you don’t even know of or acknowledge.
-You mean like some scenes of my book which I felt too realistic for comfort, - Jin swallowed, remembering the kiss from his dream.
A silence fell between them and then Ueda added:
- You should take a break from your writing, like go somewhere and... – Jin heard the voice of Ueda’s secretary telling him of that his appointment had arrived.
-I need to go, Jin. Call me anytime you need to. Jin closed his phone and looked at his laptop. Impressions, thoughts… Maybe… He had been thinking about Kaoru for the last ten years and maybe even before. For Jin, the best distraction from his dreams was to write and so Jin opened his laptop and began to write anew.
*~*~*
Ren wrote Kaoru very long letters almost every week. He would tell Kaoru everything that happened to him since the last time he wrote. He told him about London, about the long trip that he made and what he saw during said trip. He tried to make it more interesting knowing how easily Kaoru get bored reading very long letters. He wanted Kaoru to like it, to know the things as he knew them.
Ren missed his him, missed his time with Kaoru, missed their closeness and the smile of his brother that was only for him. He had never left home before and it wasn’t easy for Ren leaving. He started his education and found new friends. People found him exotic, the son of Lord Black and his exotic wife. Ren was welcomed everywhere. He was, after all, the son of a very rich noble. And Ren could be charming, if he wants to.
Sometimes, Kaoru wrote to Ren too. Not very long letters more like notes from different days and moments in Kaoru’s life put together as a missive. He wrote about Kaze, of how he would be able to ride the horse. And that the new teacher had arrived in the Manor. He was Japanese and would teach Kaoru Japanese and a lot of other interesting things.
Kaoru’s letters sounded excited and Ren was happy that their father found a good person to be near Kaoru, even if it made hi jealous that someone else would take his place in making Kaoru smile and happy.
They never mentioned the kiss that happened before Ren’s departure in their letters. Kaoru ends his every letter with the words:
Love and wait, your Kaoru.
While Ren always finished his letters with:
With love, your brother Ren.
Ren found new friends and they often sat in company telling each other stories and jokes. Once, his friend asked him to tell them about the book that Ren had just finished reading, Ren opened his mouth and closed it again. Kaoru’s farewell words rang in his ears:
“Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me.”
And Ren wanted to keep even just one of the promises that he made to Kaoru.
Time passed and it was the holidays. Ren wanted to return home as he had promised Kaoru. But on the last day of the term, his friend, one of the golden youths of the London society invited him to a celebration. They were sure that Ren would be invited too. It was a very loud party, a party with wine and women, where they could do and have everything they want. Ren was already drank when he felt how warm hands pushed him towards the closed door; he was surprised how he found himself in bed with a woman all over him. She wasn’t tall; she had a thin waist and brown hair. Ren closed his eyes and he saw Kaoru. With every kiss, with every touch he felt only Kaoru. He whispered Kaoru’s name while his hands wandered on the girl’s body. He was lost in sensation, lost in his lust for Kaoru.
The next day, Ren returned his train ticket and during the two years he spent in London, he never visited home.
Kaoru waited. He waited every day, watching the road towards the huge iron gates; he waited desperately, his heart full of hope and love. It would be the day that Kaoru would confess to his brother, hoping that Ren would not push him away. It would his sheer heaven.
Kaoru never doubted his feelings for Ren. He loved him wholeheartedly, unreservedly with all the passion that his young heart could muster. He didn’t see anything wrong in his love for his brother. But Ren didn’t return home that time, not even during Christmas or the other holidays. Kaoru was almost 18 when they received scandalous news from London. Ren had some love affair with a beautiful and famous actress in London. His father laughed it off, remembering that when he was in Ren’s age, he was also naughty. Kaoru never felt the pain as he clasped the wine glass with such power that it broke to pieces. Wine melded with blood in Kaoru’s wounded palm.
Kaoru then decided that he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
*~*~*
Jin stopped typing and fixed his gaze at the last sentence. He felt it too, that awful moment, ten years ago. His fingers impatiently tapped on the table; inhale, exhale and nothing. His mind was blank again.
The ground on which he trod was unfamiliar. He continued looking at the white laptop screen, where the next words were to be written. But he couldn’t. It was only the middle of the day and Jin didn’t feel tired yet. His plan for the day was to write and write without pause. Maybe a little walk would help.
The wind was again severe. It seemed that in this coast, the wind was always piercing. Jin wrapped a wide scarf around his neck, trying to protect his face from the sand that the wind lifted from the ground.
Jin found a branch, not very long and sturdy enough. He wrote two names in the sand: Ren and Kaoru. Jin had never wrote about love between men before and truth be told never experienced it either. There were times during conferences or parties that he would notice eyes on himself, but he was never interested in pursuing it. He had a few gay friends and he knew that it was not such a big deal but he felt nervous writing about them. He was not educated enough in their ways. The thing that bothered him most was that the main characters of his story were brothers. He had heard and read that there was no barrier with love but the idea itself sounded wrong. And what bothered him all the more was how and why Ren and Kaoru fell in love with each other. Why Kaoru never doubted his feelings and was so sure that he was right in loving Ren as Ren was trying to come into grips with his feelings by fighting it?
Two boys who lost their mother at a very young age, and in a way their father too, were absolutely alone with only each other. With only each other’s support and warmth, understanding and needing each other. Jin tried to find an explanation but sometimes love had no explanations, it just happened.
He felt that his story had hit a snag and he prayed that it would disappear soon.
*~*~*
Ren couldn’t believe himself. He was home, after two years away he was finally back. His father hugged him tightly and patted his shoulder fondly. Ren was happy to be home. But most of all, he wanted to see Kaoru. His father told him that Kaoru was on the beach. Ren smiled and made his way toward Kaoru and meet him halfway.
The moment he saw Kaoru, he held his breath. He wasn’t sure if he had changed a lot during the two years he was away, but Kaoru did. His long black hair which reached his shoulder fluttered in the wind and hit his face while he was riding a gorgeous black horse at full speed. Kaoru was no longer that boy with sharp angles and clumsy movements. Ren saw a man with sparkling eyes confidently holding the reins, riding the horse bent down close to Kaze’s neck.
Ren watched his handsome brother who gracefully jumped off the horse. Ren wanted to call his name but he heard his laughter. Even his laughter had changed; his voice became lower with new notes that Ren didn’t remember he had before.
Kaoru was laughing and smiling, but to someone else, Ren noticed a man who was leaning on the rock, his hands crossed in his chest, a grey horse standing nearby. The man noticed Ren before Kaoru did and pointed Ren with a nod to his direction. Ren felt uncomfortable. He had no idea where this strange feeling came from.
Kaoru slowly turned his head which seemed like an eternity for Ren. Their eyes met. All the fear and worries disappeared from Ren’s exhausted and suffering heart. It was Kaoru, his Kaoru. The next thing he knew, Kaoru was running towards him with arms open and embraced him tightly. Ren hugged his brother and hid his face on his hair. He smelled him, he had the same smell as his Kaoru, like the sea and something sweet.
- Ren, you are back! – Kaoru pushed away his brother gently, examining Ren’s face, his voice full of emotions and sounded so differently. This was no longer his baby brother, Ren noted with light sadness.
-I’m back, - Ren voice was trembling; he couldn’t hide his emotions.
-Kaoru, I think you should introduce us, - the way the man pronounced his brother’s name grated on Ren’s ears. He said it softly, in the Japanese manner, and followed the wide smile on Kaoru’s face.
-Of course, this is my brother Ren, - Ren noticed how the stranger’s eyes became darker, so flitting that it might have been his imagination, - and this is my friend and teacher. I wrote you about him, Nishikido Ryo.
A hand was offered for shaking, Ren reached out and shook the man’s hand and felt a strong grip.
-Nice to meet you,-Ren said politely.
-My pleasure, - Ryo answered and Ren look at the dark eyes, feeling uneasy.
*~*~*
Jin yawned, stretching a little bit, the couch was really uncomfortable. He was reading a book about Ancient times when he fell asleep. The book was lying on the floor. Jin needed coffee and something to eat. It wasn’t evening yet and he knew what he would write now.
Chapter Text
Nishikido Ryo was a very ambitious man. He was 25 years. He dedicated all his life to science and when he met the very rich and eccentric English Lord, he felt flattered by the attention that Lord Black gave to his knowledge and planes. Lord Black was a very interesting interlocutor, one who had a very wide knowledge and a curiosity that Ryo was happy to satisfy.
Ryo loves science. It was his life but his hands were tied, and he can’t fulfill all his dreams. He wanted to travel, like Lord Black, whom Ryo started admire but his financial situation didn’t allow him. He was working everywhere he can. Sometimes forgetting about his wishes and dreams, all for the sake of his family.
They weren’t rich and he had a sister who would get married soon and he needed money for arranging all this. He lost his father two years ago and all responsibility for his mother and his sister came to rest on his shoulders. It was a tragedy because he was standing between a very difficult choice - his career or his family. He tried to balance both but with few work, it was hardly possible and in this hard period of his life he met with the English Lord who made him a proposition that he couldn’t decline because it would save his family and his dreams.
-Nishikido-san, - Lord Black said in Japanese with a very noticeable accent, - what do you think about going to foggy old England?
Ryo was speechless for a second and could only nod. There was a wide smile on Jonathan Black’s face and patted Ryo’s back.
-I have a son. He is a very smart boy, he loves nature and animals, and I think for him it will be interesting to have such company as you. You could also teach him Japanese. I want my boy to know his mother’s language? - Lord Black’s eyes looked with a smirk and they both knew Ryo’s answer. He would never miss on such a chance. Ryo would travel to another country and he was sure that the Lord would allow him to devote his time to research and of the boy, Ryo was confident that he would find something interesting to busy the young Lord.
The first time that he met Kaoru, the smiled at him shyly and Ryo suddenly felt so warm. His father was right; Kaoru was very smart, curious and inquisitive. Ryo shared with his lover for biology. He couldn’t forget how the boy’s eyes shone when Ryo showed him the microscope and how to use to.
They talked for hours. Ryo found a rich library in the Black Manor. He took many different books, often with picturesque images. He watched how gently and with love Kaoru cared for his little friends. The boy was so warm and so kind. He fed his red fishes in the aquarium and always cleaned it himself. There were two turtles that loved moving in his palms, the funny guinea pig and hamster. There were a few dogs also and of course, Kaze. Kaoru was still forbidden from riding Kaze but he loved to spend time with Kaze, caressing his coat. Sometimes when they walked near the beacj, Ryo would tell Kaoru about the white bears and how they were hunted. He always saw a sad expression on Kaoru’s face. The boy awoke strange feelings in Ryo’s heart. He wanted to protect him, to cherish him, to tickle him until she started smiling and his eyes shining again. Kaoru told him of the brother who was in London and whom he missed so much. Ryo wanted to be Kaoru’s friend and tried to distract him from missing his brother too much.
Ryo spent almost two years in the Black Manor. He taught Kaoru how to speak Japanese which wasn’t difficult for the latter as he had a receptive mind. And when they’re alone, they would talk in Japanese which gave Ryo a feeling of some bond that only the two of them shared. They became friends and he found out what Kaoru liked and disliked. He was sure that he could read Kaoru like a book now.
With the passing of each day, Kaoru became more beautiful and attractive. He fell into easy camaraderie with Ryo. Lord Black once offered Ryo to pursue his career and leave the Manor but Ryo declined. The idea of no longer hearing Kaoru’s laughter and sharing precious moments with him made Ryo desolate. He wanted to be the reason for Kaoru’s shining smile, he didn’t want to leave him.
Until one day Ryo saw new sides of Kaoru, one that showed him how naïve and self-confident he was thinking that Kaoru was so simple. The evening when Kaoru wounded his hand there was an expression of grief and pain in his beautiful face and Ryo had no idea how to deal with it. Kaoru shut down his emotions, the high fever was ever present and he spent weeks in bed, suffering from his sickness and inner pain. Ryo didn’t know what the source of this pain was but he wanted to help. He wanted to sit by Kaoru and talk with him but Kaoru wouldn’t let him.
It rained that day, a loud thunder woke Ryo up. He hears soft knock at his door, when he saw Kaoru, in pajama, with hair messed from sleep.
-What’s wrong, Kaoru?-he asked softly.
- I’m afraid of thunders. Could I sleep in your room? - Kaoru looked so innocent but Ryo had doubts. Kaoru was no longer a kid and Ryo wasn’t sure if he could control himself but the sadness in those innocent orbs, red from crying, made him waver. He let Kaoru in.
They were lying in Ryo’s bed, listening to the peals of thunder as lightning lit the room, the wind outside was howling. Ryo felt Kaoru’s warmth, too warm and he saw his eyes. The feverish gaze looked desperate. Kaoru suddenly embraced Ryo and whispered:
- Make me forget, - Ryo closed his eyes for a minute. He couldn’t believe his ears. The fantasy that he had been chasing was slowly coming true. If Kaoru wanted to be with him, he would be incredibly happy.
He caressed Kaoru’s pale cheek. He looked at Kaoru’s lips and slowly gazed into his eyes, sparkling even in the darkness. Ryo was afraid to speak, to interrupt the fragile but unbelievably charged atmosphere. He kissed him slowly, tenderly feeling the pliant lips under his. Ryo didn’t want to think what exactly Kaoru wanted to forget. He had no idea what could make the 18-year old Kaoru suffer so much but he wanted to wipe it away and make him happy. He felt the smooth skin under his palms. He kissed Kaoru’s fingers gently and placed his wounded hand on the pillow. He was gentle, he was tender. He made Kaoru feel and that’s all that Kaoru needed. Just to feel, not loneliness and the stabbing pain of betrayal, something different.
They were lovers now. A secret known only to Ryo and Kaoru which Ryo didn’t want to share with anybody. He thought about Lord Black and how kind he was to Ryo but at the same time he remembers Kaoru’s soft moans, soft skin and silky hair that messed his pillow, his lips that drove him crazy and the dark eyes which forced him to lose all sanity and plunge into a world of feeling and sensations.
Ryo was in love, madly and deeply. He forgot about his ambitions, about yesterday and tomorrow. He had Kaoru now here in his arms, answering his kisses, leaning to his touch. He was drunk with happiness. His world spun around Kaoru and his smile. Ryo loved him so much and he wholeheartedly believed that Kaoru loved him too. Until…
Kaoru was very passionate, answering Ryo’s kisses with joy. He never acted like this before and Ryo enjoyed the burning touch of his younger lover and then he heard him whispering. He embraced Kaoru closer, to feel him better and to hear clearly:
-Ren, Ren, Ren, - Kaoru’s eyes were closed and he whispered the name like a mantra, a name that was not Ryo’s.
Ryo’s world crashed. He was too naïve and over confident. The understanding after the discovery made him mad. He now knew that Kaoru was in love with his brother but his brother never touched him, that Ryo was sure of. The oldest son of Lord Black was in London, far from Kaoru and Ryo preferred him to stay there.
He knew already that he loved Kaoru and would be as long as Kaoru wanted to be with Ryo. He would never leave him. He will protect Kaoru.
Ryo was at the rocky beach watching the handsome face in front of him. The brown eyes looked Ryo worriedly. He was attractive, Ryo decided. Tall, well-built, a mole near his eyes gave a sensitive look to his face. Kaoru had the same mole, Ryo knew of it, he kisses it gently every night after all.
- My pleasure. – Ryo heard his voice. It sounded strange even to him. He looked at the man, his nightmare had come true and in his heart was only hate.
Jin covered his tired eyes with his palms. He felt so exhausted that he couldn’t even move. He undressed himself as fast as he could with trembling hands and fell into his bed.
The words flowed like a river, without pause. Jin wrote excitedly, his inspiration came back to him but at the same time he was worried. It was the first time in his life where he wrote without having a slight idea as to the ending of his book. It seemed that Kaoru’s story showed itself to Jin step by step like Kaoru himself. Jin never was sure what twist in the plot awaited him in the morrow. But he was alright with it as long as he would finish the story.
Ren was boiling inside. He had already noticed how the teacher’s hand, as if by chance, was placed on Kaoru’s waist and held itself there longer than necessary. Ren looked at the wine glass in his hand, the dark liquid swirling at the bottom. It was his fourth for the evening and he had a huge desire to continue with something stronger. He couldn’t understand why Kaoru and his father were turning a blind eye towards Ryo. He had noticed it and it was so blatant that it drove Ren crazy.
He had been home for two weeks already. Kaoru was so warm towards him and always shown him care but they spent so little time together. Kaoru was always busy with his lessons. He was already 18 and Ren decided that his lessons must come to an end. Once he walked into the study to find Kaoru and the teacher reading a book together. They were talking in Japanese and Ren felt like he was being isolated but the warmth of Kaoru’s smile told him otherwise. They joked with each other in a language that they shared. Ren felt lonely and anxiety rose inside of him. He must do something. He didn’t like the man. Ren refused to call him by his name, the man who was giving Kaoru dirty looks. Ren wasn’t sure what drove him, whether it was pure worry for his brother or simple jealousy.
He waited for the moment when he and Kaoru were alone before he spoke his misgivings to the younger man.
-You must be more careful with this man, Kaoru;-Ren said looking intensely at his brother.
-His name is Ryo, Ren. And he is a good friend to me, - Kaoru’s voice was calm but Ren saw the stubborn line of his chin.
-You are young Kaoru and may not understand a few things, - Ren started patiently; he hated himself how he sounds right now.
-I heard about how experienced you became in London, - the unfamiliar notes of sarcasm said by a beloved person’s voice whom Ren realized in horror became a stranger to him.
-You can’t see it and he wants…-Ren wanted to loosen his collar, he tried to find the right words.
-What does he want, Ren? – Kaoru’s eyes bore into, provokingly. Ren was speechless for a second but then continued on noticing how lame he sounded:
-You are just but a child and…
He stopped on his tracks when he felt Kaoru very close to him. Ren could feel his breath on his neck, the brown orbs looked at him challengingly and whispered, almost into his ear:
-I’m no longer a child, Ren. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m not a child anymore.
That night, Ren had only one desire, to get himself drunk.
That night, Ren couldn’t sleep. His thoughts were in a jumble. Life has changed. His Kaoru was now a stranger to him. He thought about Kaoru’s kiss a few years ago, about his own cowardice hiding from his true feelings and from Kaoru. He felt so lost. Where was his Kaoru? What did this man do to him? Ren had so many questions and no answers. The wine was still in his blood when he finally decided that he will speak with Kaoru. They were brothers and they would understand each other.
Ren wanted to open the door when he heard a soft laugh. It was Kaoru’s voice. But then Ren heard another voice, that hateful voice, calling Kaoru’s name so differently:
-Kaoru, Kaoru…
Ren clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white. It was too painful; it hurt… too much…
The pillow was wet, Jin’s eyes were open wide. He felt it, the hot whisper and the pain. Jin felt it all. He washed his face with cold water looking at the pale reflection with dark bags under his eyes which looked so strange on Jin’s face; a stranger looked back from the mirror. He was scared. For the first time in his life he felt the pain, it hurt…too much…
He wanted vengeance for Ren.
The shorter man looked up at him, brown eyes filled with challenge.
-Leave him alone! – Ren’s voice rang dangerously, emphasizing every word. He held the shorter man by the collar but the other was able to free himself despite Ren’s strong grip. He was stong, Ren thought, or maybe Ren was just tipsy.
-I wouldn’t deny myself of this pleasure. - the raised eyebrow and piercing eyes of the teacher stoked the rage roiling in Ren’s chest.
-Don’t you dare touch my brother with your dirty hands; - his heavy fist landed on the other man’s face, and Ren saw the line of blood trickling from wounded lips.
-Why? Because you wanted to do it yourself? - the venom of his words paralyzed Ren and Ryo retaliated with a hard punch him to his face.
-You are like this dirty dog in the manger, if you can’t have him yourself you don’t want to see him with anybody else.
Ren’s breaths were coming in hard pants but the words uttered by Ryo made him lose his remaining composure, the alcohol burned in his veins and he had only one desire and purpose, to destroy this man, the one who dared touch his brother, who dared to get into his head.
Reading the last page again, Jin felt satisfied. It exactly how he wanted the turn of events to be. It was exactly what the man deserved for laying his hand on his Kaoru. A bitter smile appeared on his lips, Jin hadn’t even noticed how he started losing himself in his dreams. He didn’t even suspect that the line between reality and fiction was so thin and so unstable and maybe now he was on the verge of insanity.
His kneaded his fingers, hearing them crack and continued to write.
The week passed and Ren tried to avoid everyone’s eyes, curiously looking at the bruises on his face. He knew the other man’s face looked no better but he was still ashamed that he lost control. During dinner, he felt Kaoru’s eyes on his face but he was afraid to raise his and met with Kaoru’s. If he would see disgust or accusation in those beautiful orbs, he wasn’t sure if he could handle it.
Ren wanted go for a walk when he noticed a figure with a suitcase by the entrance. It was Ryo and Ren understood that he was leaving. He made a few steps towards the other man and looked at him as the other noticed his presence. Ren said in a low voice:
-Thank you.
He heard a bitter chuckle and looking into eyes full of despise:
-Don’t flatter yourself; I’m leaving not because of the few kid’ punches you gave me.
Ren tensed at the insinuation and Ryo’s haughty look which really irritated Ren no end.
-Kaoru asked me to leave.-a heavy bitter sigh. It was painful for Ryo, remembering Kaoru’s words. - He doesn’t want the hand that harmed his brother to touch him anymore. Kaoru told me that only he had right to punish you.
Ren stayed emotionless, watching how Ryo made a few steps towards him. He bit his lip and said in a low voice:
-Kaoru is very sensitive, you know? When I touched and kissed him in that small spot behind his ear, he always moan like a little kitten, trembling in my arms and asking for more,- Ren’s face was lifeless, he held his breath,-and he always whisper into my ears. Do you want to know what he whispered?
Pain reflected in Ren’s eyes, he couldn’t endure this torture. He heard a dry, malevolent laugh:
-Your name. He always uttered your name. Only your name, always. And I hate you, I hate you so much, you can’t even imagine how much. - Ryo nervously licked his lips, looking at the man who relaxed a little bit upon hearing his last words. He chuckled:
-But you lost. - Ryo emphasized the last words; - I know the type of people that you are. You are a coward, the snobbish prude who hides under the cover of morality, secretly lusting over his own brother. But you will never allow yourself to even touch him, you can’t make this step. You are so pitiful in this hopeless love. Kaoru is different, his feelings are real and free but you will never have him.
Every word stabbed Ren, leaving deep scars on his heart. He hated that the man can read his feelings so easily.
Jin hands trembled; he rubbed his cheek which already had a light bristle that made his face itchy. When was the last time that he shaved? A week ago? Two weeks ago? Jin wasn’t sure anymore. He vaguely remembered how the housekeeper was knocked on the door but Jin was too busy writing and didn’t open, when was it? Jin couldn’t remember.
He felt that his story will soon start the climax and he wrote without pause; forgetting about food, bath, his telephone which already had no battery on it. Everything evaporated from his head, only Kaoru stayed. Only feelings, emotions, pain, jealousy, rage, regrets, love, despair remained. These feelings were roiling in Jin’s chest pushing him forward. One more word, one more page, one more chapter.
He rotated his head, his stiffened neck muscles cracked at the action. The shirt he was wearing had already seen better days, there were a few stains he couldn’t recall from where. Dirty plates piled high near his laptop. Jin looked around him as if waking from a deep slumber, Jin was disgusted at the sight. A shower and fresh clothes, a cup of strong dark coffee and he was ready to continue again. Jin could already feel the end.
A resounding echo can be heard as unhurried steps traversed along the path lined with heavy boulders, Ren looked at the sky, it was grey. It was really rare to see the clear blue sky in this place but Ren had a little hope that maybe in his life it will be the blue clear sky line that will lighten his days and make this heavy feeling disappear from his heart. Grey. He was used to the color. It was how his life looked like for last two years, like the lonely sky without any hope and like the clouds coming closer and promising the rain, that was not so rare in this place too.
Every day he fought with himself, with the wild desire to pack his clothes and run back home. But every time, when he was already at the train station preparing to make the final step, he couldn’t do it. He would just sit for hours on the lonely bench by the station, looking at people who passed by him not paying attention to the young, elegantly dressed young man with no life in his eyes.
His eyes were empty. He was no longer conscious of the happenings around him. He could not even react to the cold or the heat. He was plunged into his memories, the happy memories of that time, a time which seemed a lifetime ago.
The memories of the rocky beach, of soft laughters, of the shine of silky hair as the sun touched it, the look filled with adoration and warmth, the pale skin, the blush that shyness was not the reason for, the high fevers. Of the little turtle moving ever so slowly atop the boy’s palm and the childish desire to have a shell and hide under it.
Ren was hiding all these years, hiding from his feelings, from his fears, from the world preferring to live in a world that didn’t exist. This life, this woman, this city and even this college and ambitions that weren’t even his, he never wanted it, never needed it.
What he always wanted was always here, always patiently waiting, looking at the iron gates with feverish eyes, suffering from pain and betrayal and trying to forget everything in the warmth of another. Ren understood it now, perfectly. From the very beginning, he was the one to blame for everything. He prayed that it wasn’t’ too late.
He felt the presence, as if someone was watching him. Ren raised his head to look at the window and finally found what he was searching for. Dark eyes were watching him and Ren felt how something soft and warm began spreading inside, slowly reaching his wounded heart, healing it. Kaoru looked like how always did. And he felt something gently touching his cheek and lips and he looked up, it was the sun which was slowly appearing from behind the grey clouds to gently caress him. Maybe one day, he would see the blue sky, too.
Ren told Kaoru everything, every memory of the past two years, every impression, every smell. He saw how Kaoru’s eyes shone with curiosity and wanted to tell him more, to bask in the look that he missed so much.
It’s not correct to say that everything would pick up from the same point that they had left two years ago. They already had went through so much, made mistakes, experienced feelings unfamiliar to them and tried so hard find peace in their hearts.
Ren often looked at Kaoru’s profile and even though Kaoru is younger, her had a look that showed maturity beyond his years, a certain boldness of character. He had accepted his feelings and the fact that it was difficult for Ren too which was why he agreed to wait. He believed that one day, time would come when barriers would not exist between them.
The day changed and they were together, walking on the rocky beach, hands brushing against each other. Sometimes, Kaoru would just take Ren’s hand and Ren would feel at ease. Sometimes Ren would feel the weight of Kaoru’s head on his shoulder while telling him stories.
Kaoru was reading letters, long letters and Ren knew from who they were just by looking at the Japanese characters and smile on the younger boy’s face. In this moment, he could almost hear someone call his brother’s name, softer, differently. He knew that Kaoru always got attached to the people he cared about and Ryo had a huge place in his heart and it would always be like this.
Kaoru told him about Japan and the beautiful flowers that fall on people like magical rain and he wanted to see it even once. Ren wanted Kaoru to fulfill all his dreams so he just continued to caress his hair, listening to the excited voice.
Like a little asterix that appear inside and grew everyday leaving behind insecurities and suffering, you feel how hope awakens and it was easier to breath. When the time came for Ren to return to London to his work that his father prepared for him, he felt light and he knew that when he comes home again everything would be the same. There was nothing more to be afraid of. He felt lips on his, kissing him gently trying to hide the feelings gushing out. He said goodbye, knowing that it was not for long.
Every week, he would send long letters and every week he received long replies. The only one time that he received a very short one but it made his heart pound hard, making it hard to breath. He packed his bags in haste and at the station there were no hesitant steps. Before he entered he threw the sky a look.
It was grey.
Jin slept for almost 12 hours. He felt energetic and well-rested and he had no idea where to use all his energy. He decided not to write today because he needed time to clear his thoughts. He felt that the end of the story is nigh and this hope gave him a very light feeling.
He ran a little bit near the ocean. Jin wasn’t the sports type but because of his work, it was necessary to sometimes exercise. Nakamaru always told him that a fat writer would not sell, so he was Jin’s editor and part-time personal trainer.
Jin hadn’t called him yet regarding the specifics of his new book. He just wrote Nakamaru an email and told him that it was almost finished and that there was nothing to worry about. He was afraid to meet the other side of the usually collected and serious Nakamaru who would start to panic even more than Jin before the book hits the bookstore shelves.
Jin wandered around the house. It was quite large. Only two floors were made habitable for him and the last one was left alone. Jin decided to check it. He walked up the stairs, hearing the squeaking under his weight. A few more steps and he was at the beginning of a long hall with a lot of doors in each side. He opened the first door. It was very dark there and Jin started sneezing, remembering too late about his damned allergy. Nothing interesting was inside he decided. He walked towards the huge window at the end of the hall instead.
He looked down, this side of the house overlooked the iron gates and the little road to the main entrance. The wind picked the colorful leaves and slowly buffeted them. Jin looked at it entranced. The view from the window was very dreary. He then remembered Kaoru who waited for his love to return. He opened another door. It was dark inside but a few rays of light penetrated through the heavy silken curtains. Jin stepped towards the middle of the room. It must be a bedroom seeing the huge canopied bed collecting dust. Jin sneezed again.
Jin felt tendrils of dread ran through his nape, as if somebody was watching him. He turned around and met with dark eyes looking directly at him. Jin let out a scream of horror, covering his eyes with both his hands. His heart pounded and it was quite loud in the stark silence of the room. He stayed rooted on the spot for a few seconds, afraid to breath, but when he was unable to discern any sound or steps going towards him he opened his eyes again.
He met with dark eyes looking at him without blinking. He made a few steps closer and sighed in relief when he saw that it was just a portrait in the wall. But because of the light which fell only on the eyes, it looked alive. The picture on the wall was in a massive golden frame. He removed it from the wall and went near the window with the desire to take a better look at it. But the pale light was not enough, Jin wanted to see more. Jin closed the door and returned to the study, the fire burning the fireplace was crackling happily. He placed the picture in another sofa and sat in front of it, looking at it closely.
It was a picture of a man in a white shirt in a design which was popular a century ago. It looked like silk and it made the pale skin shine and the long hair was tied with a black ribbon. The dark eyes looked calm but his gaze gave Jin an impression that this made is trying to hide his emotions under the calmness but something gave him away, the corner of his lips curved into a bitter smile. The man was Asian in his 20s maybe, Jin thought. The face on the picture looked strangely familiar and he tried to remember where he saw that face before. The man’s features were aristocratic and the open forehead conveyed that this man was smart, the hard line of his chin showed that he was also stubborn. Jin wasn’t good at reading people’s faces so that was all that he could discern from the dusty picture.
Jin poured himself a cognac. It was cold outside and Jin wanted to relax a bit. He slowly sipped the amber-colored liquid unable to take his gaze away from the picture. And then realization hit him, the glass of expensive cognac fell into the marble breaking into pieces. The sound of breaking glass didn’t bother Jin. He took a few steps toward the picture and fell into his knees, only one thought ringing through his head.
Kaoru. It was Kaoru from his dreams, the Kaoru who was created by Jin almost ten years ago.
-Oh, you found this picture?- he heard a voice, the housekeeper had just finished her baking.
-Who is it?-Jin was still so shocked because of his discovery.
- It’s a very old picture. This young master us the son of one of the owners of this house. I think he lived here more than 100 years ago. –her voice was calm, kind even.
-Owner of this house? – Jin’s voice vibrated as he listened intently to the housekeeper.
- My family had lived near this house for so many years and had always worked for the owner of this beautiful manor. This manor had been owned by the family of Lord Black. – she then noticed the broken glass and decided to clean it before she left.
-And what about this young man? - Jin asked looking at the dark eyes in the picture.
-I don’t know a lot. Only, that he died young.-she said and left.
Jin forgot how to breath he was looking at the face of the person who became a part of his soul.
Ren ran as fast as he can, he was already near the iron gates. After reading a few lines from the letter that his father sent him, he left everything trying to be home as soon as possible. The rain poured mercilessly and Ren was soaked but it didn’t bother him.
“Son,
Bilateral pneumonia, he calls for you,
Father.”
The road between the gates and the main entrance was an eternity. Just a few steps more and Ren was in the house. The last thing he heard before closing the door was a thunderclap.
Ren wanted to see Kaoru immediately but his father stopped him and ordered him to change his clothes first. He saw how his father went into his room with heavy steps and closed his door silently.
He slowly stepped into the long hall. He almost reached the last door nearest the window and slowly opened it. Kaoru was sitting on his bed, looking outside his window. The rain pattered on the roof and windows. They could hear the howling wind. Ren wanted to embrace him and hide him from every suffering that life may bring.
Ren stepped deeper into the room and Kaoru finally noticed his presence. His smile was sincere and he patted the place beside him. Ren sat carefully taking Kaoru’s hands and squeezing them softly. The dry palms were very warm. He gently kissed Kaoru on the forehead, it was burning.
-I’m fine,- Kaoru said guessing what was troubling Ren. – Father’s just overreacting.
Ren nodded and lay near Kaoru, embracing him.
That night they heard the peals of thunder and the lightning bathed the room in eerie light. Ren remembered so many nights like this when they were still kids, of how he hugged his little brother trembling from horror and trying to distract him with different stories.
But this night, Kaoru embraced Ren tenderly and placed his head on the latter’s chest, feeling its rise and fall as he breathed. Kaoru wasn’t afraid of thunders anymore, Ren didn’t ask about it.
Kaoru gently caressed Ren’s cheek and when Ren looked into his eyes, he felt that he was slowly drowning in them. He felt a strange worry looking into those feverish eyes, so bright against his pale face and flushed cheeks.
-Everything will be all right,- Kaoru whispered.
-I know,-Ren answered, not recognizing his own voice that came out faintly.
Through the night, Kaoru would suppress the cruel wracking of his body brought about by the cough that was slowly draining his life force. Ren could only hug hum closer to his chest. In the darkness of the room, Ren felt how Kaoru was having problems breathing. His most important person was fighting for his life. As Ren looked out the darkened window, he remembered how Kaoru told him with confidence those simple words, those simple words which made him the worst coward. Their precious moments passed in front his eyes, those moments of great joy. His heart clenched and a lump appeared in his throat, the feeling in his chest was absolutely the worst he could imagine – he felt utterly hopeless, knowing that he was powerless to change anything..
If only they could return to that day and change everything. But he knew it was impossible. Ren did what he knew he could do at that time. He kissed Kaoru lightly at the corner of his lips, his tears streaming hotly from his eyes and whispered softly words that only Kaoru could hear, repeating over and over again:
-I love you, I love you, I love you,
His whisper sounded like faint sobs. They were sobs that he could no longer suppress no matter how hard he tried. He soothed the heated body pressed against him, removing hair that covered his sweaty face. He saw Kaoru looking at him and he could hear the hoarse voice, croaky and low because of the cough that tortured him.
-Thank you. I’ve been waiting so long for it. Ren, I love you.
The shadows was playing at the walls, the whispers were mixed, they were lying at the big bed, embracing each other and trying to help suppress the fear because they both knew that the inevitable is night and how painful it would be. When it was already dawning, the rain and thunder fell silent, like in purpose to let Ren hear Kaoru’s last breath. A last warm puff on his neck and Ren was lying embracing the lifeless body of his love.
Jin felt hot tears falling from his eyes. He looked at the darkness of his room hugging himself with trembling limbs. The pain was unbearable and he couldn’t stand it anymore. Jin could still feel the warm body in his hand and the thought that he had lost Kaoru, lost him forever drove him crazy.
Jin’s life became the moments when he sat and looked with unblinking eyes at the picture of the face that he loved so much, and the moments when he wanted to forget everything in his dreams. He wanted to sleep, to watch Kaoru’s vibrancy again and again. These dreams made Jin want to stay asleep always. But his last dream kept haunting him and every time he woke from that dream he was in tears. He could still feel the last puff of life on his neck.
Jin was so deep in his grief that he no longer reacted to his surroundings.
Ren woke up with a start. It had started to rain again and the thunders would soon follow. He immediately remembered Kaoru and prepared to run and find him but at the last moment he remembered that it was impossible. The unbelievable peal of thunder made him quiver in horror. Ren trembled and thought about Kaoru. Kaoru who was always afraid of thunder, he must be horrified now and was sitting somewhere alone, crying and asking for help, calling for Ren. He ran around the house, opening every door trying to find Kaoru. Then he heard an inner voice telling him that he would never, could never find Kaoru ever again. It’s over. Kaoru would never be back again.
Ren covered his face with trembling hands, feeling that he had no more strength for anything.
-Jin! What happened to you? I called almost every day but you never picked up the damned phone? – Ueda’s voice, always so calm and professional was different now; he was irritated and was worried too much.
-He is dead, - Jin’s voice was lifeless.
-Who? – Ueda’s voice sounded calmer, the panicky note disappeared.
-Kaoru,-the same emotionless voice.
-Kaoru? Why you do it?- Ueda asked curiously.
-Because I was a coward all my life and-Jin’s voice trembled.
-Jin! What are you talking about? Why did you do it if it upset you so much?
-You don’t understand, I’m powerless. It’s fate and I saw it and I knew it, he is dead.-Jin said with despair.
-Jin, listen to me carefully, - Ueda’s voice became hard, - have you finished your book?
-I can’t! It’s over he is dead! - Jin continued repetitively.
-That only you can decide, you created him, you are the writer!
These words were ringing in Jin’s head. He was so tired because of the emotions, of despair of loneliness. He felt so lost.
Jin couldn’t proceed. His dreams became too real and the thin line between reality and make believer began to evaporate. He could no longer separate the dream from reality.
Ren was alone in Kaoru’s room. They left him alone seeing how inconsolable he had become. His father had become a shadow of his cheerful self. Lord Black aged overnight, he became small and the loss in his life weighed him down. The loss of his young wife then his younger son became a weight on his shoulders that crush him terribly.
Ren touched Kaoru’s things with trembling hands. His black ribbon that still smelled like Kaoru, his favorite toys that he never was able to throw out, the wooden turtle necklace that Ren made for him, the long letters from Ren that had yellowed and was wrinkled from being read so many times over, the old pavonine fan that his father gave him. The fan looked so bright and inappropriate disturbing the abyss of Ren’s despair. Ren’s expression horrified others, his eyes were devoid of any emotion, only silent tears flowed from his eyes.
His long fingers touched the leather cover of the book. Lord Byron. A bitter smile appeared on Ren’s wounded lips, lips wounded from futile attempts to suppress the wild and inconsolable lament that he has never known before, when he saw the dedication on the first page. The book was a gift, from Ryo to Kaoru in the hopes that Kaoru would feel and understand the beauty of poetry and enjoy it.
Ren was looking at the pages of the book. When he was younger he loved Byron and often read his poems. His eyes found the lines:
Ren’s eyes filled with tears. He hit his chest with his fist trying to erase the pain, the unbearable longing. The book fell from his trembling hands and the pages turn until the last page. Ren stood still looking at the page full with the painfully familiar handwriting. His heart stopped beating for a second when he finally comprehended that it was Kaoru who wrote it. Ren read a few lines and the already forgotten memory played before his mind’s eye.
It was before Ren left for London the second time. They weren’t children anymore. They sat on their favorite spot on the rocky beach, the wind fluttering Kaoru’s long hair, he was looking far into the horizon.
-Ren?-he asked calmly.
-Hmm,-Ren was lying on the sand; one hand covered his eyes protecting them from the sun.
-Do you believe in other lives? - he asked curiously.
-I don’t know. Never thought about it before. - Ren said with a sigh, changing his position to see Kaoru’s face better.
-I want to believe in it. It will be boring to live only once. - he tilted his head, looking lost in his thoughts.
Ren started laughing, thinking that after so many years his brother and his fantasies hadn’t change at all.
-I’m seriously talking here, Ren!-his frowned but a small smile betrayed him.
-Of course, you are. Don’t worry, I will find you, - Ren said still laughing.
-Don’t,-Kaoru’s voice sounded serious now, Ren looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
-Why?-he asked curiously.
-I will find you and you will wait for me like I was waited this last two years, -Kaoru said stubbornly. Ren was laughing on such childish words.
-You are so mean Kaoru!-he said smiling, but then he added, feigning seriousness, - and how will I know that it is you?
-Because you will be waiting only for me, - his tone was calm, he raised an eyebrow as if asking how Ren couldn’t understand such a simple thing.
Ren smiled at Kaoru’s strange logic.
Jin’s heart pounded. His cheeks were wet, he was crying because of his dreams. He felt exhausted from the endless nights filled with loneliness and hopelessness. Jin couldn’t write, he couldn’t think. Only Kaoru was important and his last dream touched a string of Jin’s soul making him believe that maybe, just maybe there is hope in this story. That maybe, his suffering was not for nothing after all.
It was still dark outside. Jin threw a glance outside the window he couldn’t even see the moon. He stood from the bed and left the room. He let his dreams show him the way.
He entered the room with the big bed in the center again. It was very dark and from this side of the house the only source of light was the pale moon.
Jin looked around and then he saw the long shelves lining one corner of the room which he didn’t notice the first time he entered this room. He touched the covers of the books on the shelves, casually reading through their titles. And he found it. Lord Byron.
Jin left the room. It was too dark there. He went to the study and with trembling hands opened the last pages of the book. A lump appeared on his throats, his feelings overwhelmed him.
The pages of the book were yellowed and very old. He touched the small handwriting and shivers ran through his spine. Jin started to read, his trembling voice resonated in the silence.
Jin repeated the last line of the poem again. Hot silent tears flowed down, a strange feeling of peace spread inside his heart, a small smile appeared on his full lips. Now, Jin knew how to finish his book.
After so many years that the Black Manor was full of life and light, it was finally silent. Jonathan Black, the eccentric Lord could no longer endure living in that place anymore. Every wall, every sound, every room and every corner of the big park reminded him of the boy who had a contagious laughter, who loved animals and who was stubborn sometimes. It reminded him of the boy who was the happiness of his father and brother, the boy who died too young and took with him all the hopes and joy of the family. Lord Black’s heart bled and he left his home again to forget the renewed pain. He took his remaining son with him. He wanted to believe that time would heal them eventually. He saw how his other son suffered and the fear of losing his last dearest person drove him crazy. He wanted to save Ren from his despair.
Of the remaining Blacks, people said, that they decided to start travelling and forget their sorrows in other countries. Others said that Lord Black brought his son back his precious wife’s motherland to show him how beautiful and extraordinary the place was and fulfill the promise they made to Kaoru that they will watch the unbelievable picture of the flower rain. Lord Black never returned to his home in Cornwall. Rumours abound that he found death in a very faraway place, in the land of the rising sun.
Of the handsome and promising young Lord Black, not one of his friends in London ever saw him again. Many thought that he went to fulfill his promise to his brother to see the magical flower rain. And with his brother in his heart, he decided to stay there with the desire to watch the flower rain every year. But there was also a rumour that some people found the lifeless body of a man in the rocky beach clutching a black silk ribbon in his hand.
Jin was relishing the smell of the ocean, walking by the shore where the water kissed the sand, feeling the light breeze tousling his hair; it was not that cold just enough to bite. He finally finished THE book that he started 10 years ago and the accomplishment felt wonderful and he felt very light. For so many years he had labored over the story, cherished and dearly loved the story and its characters. It became his story, and the hero became the hero of his life. This morning he sent the final version to Nakamaru. The latter hadn’t called back yet; Jin thought it a good sign. Which meant that his editor was so engrossed in story that he had no time to call back.
He finally finished Kaoru’s story. He felt how the story changed him through the years he was writing it. He still wasn’t sure what triggered him to write Kaoru’s story. Maybe it was just his overactive imagination, his mind creating Kaoru’s world or maybe it was destiny which eventually led him the road to the house in Cornwall. Mayhap, it was a long forgotten memory in the form of his dreams which seemed so real that pushed him to write.
It was a weird twist of fate that showed Jin that his life was empty, how he thought of things before and how he experienced such different feelings from utter happiness to utter despair. Teetering on the verge of insanity but finding his way back because of Kaoru. He threw a last look at the lonely rocky beach thinking about Ren and knowing with sadness, that he found peace in the end.
Jin’s life wasn’t full right now and he was still waiting.
Jin was returning home from the beach in unhurried steps when he noticed an unfamiliar car as he was passing the iron gates. He wondered if the housekeeper came. As the traversed the road to the main entrance, he frowned when he saw that the door was open. With a last step, he went through the glass door and was surprised to see a man, standing in the middle of the big hall. He was in jeans and leather jacket, a big professional camera slung over his shoulder.
Jin saw only his profile, the sunlight streaming from a window played with the hues of his light brown hair that curled in the tips, he wasn’t very tall but Jin noticed muscles on his arms when he placed the heavy camera and its special suitcase on the table near the entrance. Jin observed the stranger, trying to remember who his visitor could be.
-Hello, can I help you?-Jin asked politely and the young man immediately turned his attention to Jin.
The sun shone on his face, showing a handsome man with delicate features, elegant eyebrows, and a slightly crooked nose. When Jin looked into his eyes, the light brown orbs gave him a strange feeling, so warm yet strange nonetheless. -Hello, - the stranger greeted, simultaneously showing Jin his camera, - I’m a photographer.
Then he blushed when he realized how irrelevant his words were, which also did not explain his presence inside the house. It was then that he noticed that the other man wasn’t asking. Jin couldn’t take his eyes off from the stranger’s face. He looked straight into those eyes which gave such warm radiance.
-I’m Kamenashi Kazuya- the man continued, nervously licking his lips. He shifted from one foot to the other.
Jin noticed the long earring with a little turtle in the end. It brought poignant memories of long forgotten sounds, the whistle of the wind, the splash of the ocean, the soft laughter, the tender whisper, the warm hand and dry lips, the pain and the hope that always glimmered in his heart. He had a strange feeling of a knot untying itself and slowly disappearing.
-I..-Kazuya wanted to say something again but fell silent and then noticed how Jin slowly walked towards him.
Jin was looking at the man in front of him. He felt the colors change around him as he took a few steps towards the other man who was standing still, looking confused. A few steps in and Jin can see long eyelashes, one more – he felt the other man’s breath. His eyes were watching the other with such longing, with such hope and stinging pain that Kazuya froze where he stood.
Kazuya had this strange feeling about what just happened, about what would happen. He couldn’t understand how a total stranger looked at him with such a pained expression. And why he was having an irrational urge to calm the other down, to tell him that everything would be alright. He shouldn’t be surprised though because from the first time that he set foot inside the house, he was overcome by a strange feeling, that strange that was always with him ever since he could remember. He was always searching for something, something that he couldn’t quite grasp. He had been travelling with his camera in his quest for that something. He took pictures of different places trying to capture that elusive something. Yet no matter what, he was not able to find it.
A few years ago, Kazuya was in this house and took a few shots for a special advertising brochure. The place enchanted him that he took so many pictures of the lonely beach and the house with a lot of windows. Not long ago his cousin told him that one of his clients, the famous writer Akanishi Jin, decided to go to this place to work because liked Kame’s brochure a lot. Kame was really happy that someone liked his work. Then few days ago, his cousin called again telling him that his client was losing his mind and that Kame must go with him to England. Knowing Tatsuya, who was always calm and collected, it was something really urgent. Kame was ready in no time, using his connections for his visa and tickets.
He knew that the man who was looking at him was a writer. He was handsome and Kame had the desire to capture his picture. He thought about the different angles and the places where he can take the picture. The beach. He wanted to take a picture of this smiling, hair fluttering from the sea breeze. He wanted the desperate expression of the man’s beautiful eyes to disappear.
Kame was agitated at how they are so close with each other but couldn’t bring himself to move. His legs were too heavy and his head too light, as if all thoughts evaporated and all he see were the other’s eyes, looking at him desperately. A slight breeze wafted the man’s scent towards him, it was painfully reminiscent of something, something which he could not grasp.
Then the strangest thing happened, the writer bent closer and kissed his lips. Kazuya felt how his hand wrapped around the writer’s neck like it was the most natural thing to do. It was stranger still that he didn’t want to run, he didn’t want to move, that he only wanted to stay like this, in the embrace of this person feeling the softness of this lips.
They were so caught up in their own little world that they didn’t noticed Ueda entering the house. The latter froze at the sight in front of him, slowly he retraced his steps deciding that he needed fresh air.
When Jin pulled away, he looked at the hazel eyes – was it only his imagination or did the world just became brighter, was it only his imagination or was his heart pounding so fast, so loud that Kazuya could hear it, was it only his imagination or did he see the smile on the other’s fine lips. No it wasn’t his imagination for he heard the other whisper:
- You can call me Kame; - Jin started to laugh and smiled a happy smile, looking at the other man tenderly and whispered back:
- I was waiting only for you…
It wasn’t his imagination when he felt Kazuya kissed him back, fiercely.
Jin had waited for so long. He will never repeat his mistake, he will never let go of his happiness again. The breath on his neck and the strong heartbeat under his palm, he had waited for this feeling of home for so long. So many lonely days and even lonelier nights, suffering through so much misunderstandings and insecurities, he waited for only him.
Maybe it was only his imagination or the shining eyes looking at him tenderly when he heard a faint whisper in his ear, so faint it seemed it came from another time.
I finally found you, my love.