Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My dearest friend, my confident:

So much has changed since I last wrote to you, yet so much has stayed the same.

Each every year has come and go, the world kept spinning with no regard, but in the years that you’ve been gone, I’ve learned much about life.

There are some things that are better said out loud, and there are others for the ink and pen, it’s taken long but I think I now know how to tell them apart.

So when I see you again, somewhere good in this earth. Oh if I see you again, we’ll talk about all the things we can’t write.

Let us forget, all that went wrong. May we only talk about the now and tomorrow. It does not bode well, to dwell in pain and in sorrow.

I’ll be honored, to hear from you once again.

Sincerely

E.H.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My dearest treasure, my only friend:

Reading your words is my only light, I know there’s much I have to fix, but being torn from you is torture.

Each and every year has passed, and every each of them I’ve missed you, I wish we weren’t so far apart, I wish my words could reach you sooner.

But I have faith that our fates are intertwined, no matter how their words try to deceive me, my only comfort is that with me being here, they can’t touch you.

Soon, I’ll find a more trustworthy mean to send you letters, slow as it will most likely be, so that we both may speak freely; about our present and our future.

Sincerely

C.M.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My dearest and most trusted person in the world:

Wonderful news!

I hear tell that they’re planning to set up a new message system, something they call a telegram, it works with coded words, if J.K. is to be trusted with information, and he generally is.

The system would connect the entire world, can you imagine?

If this comes to be true, then we would be able to talk without worry. And if this comes to be true, my next letter to you will be printed.

Printed! I can barely believe it.

Sincerely

E.H.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My dearest:

I truly believe this might be my favorite invention yet, they’ve told me it would reach London by afternoon, so I apologize in advance for waking you at night; I don’t think they understand how time works.

Maybe one day, when we’re older and no longer under the influence of our families, we’ll be able to meet again, maybe one day I’ll be allowed to hold you and never let go.

I had to burn most of your earlier letters so that they wouldn’t suspect you, so that they wouldn’t know who you were, I know you’ll forgive me for this, but I never will.

Sincerely

C.M.

 <->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My heart:

Oh! How wonderful it feels to be able to call you that again.

I’ve longed for this side of you; the one you insist is mine only. Of course I forgive you for the letters, please don’t beat yourself up over it sweetest

Sincerely

E.H.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My dearest:

Things have been looking up recently, I found a stable job away from my father’s grasp, he wasn’t much content about the matter, but do consider it a minimal revenge.

How is it, that even from so far away, you’re still able to influence me like this? I must have done something truly magnificent in a previous life to deserve you.

Sincerely

C.M.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My one and only love:

I’m afraid I lack good news to trade you.

We both knew, deep down, the day would come that one of us would have to face the reality; to be forced into a loveless marriage. It only makes sense that I’d be the first one.

I know that the world wants us apart, but take this as proof that I detest this decision, do with my feelings whatever you find fitting; and if you disagree with my fury, then take it as proof that I existed in your life, shortly as it may have been, and that I loved you then, and I love you now, and I'll love you in any new life I might have after this one

Always yours

E.H.

<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->-<->

My most beloved:

I wish I could delude myself in the illusion that there were some way to make your words untrue, but I know you, and you’d never lie to me.

I received your feelings, and respond with my own, keep this picture so that it may remind you that you possess my heart, always.

If this is the last letter that we exchange, then let it be my way of begging whatever higher being is out there, that we may meet again in a kinder life.

Always yours

C.M.

Chapter Text

Heidi found the box in the very back of a closet, if it ever had anything written, time has erased it, she leaves it in the living room, to deal with later, as she gets a call from her work.

When she returns the box has disappeared, she later finds Evan with a chest on his bedroom, holding a worn down piece of paper, she knocks on his door frame and he looks up.

“Found anything interesting?”

“A bunch of love letters, they only sign with their initials”

Heidi, however, sees the inscription on the chest, an engraved name for the receiver of the letters, ‘E. Hansen’; part of her wants to get rid of it, but then she sees the look on Evan’s eyes, and decides the letters of his ancestor can’t do any harm.

She never asks to see them, and Evan never mentions them, but Heidi knows he treasures them, and can see that he’s trying not to hurt her, she has such a good son

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Evan knows any connection to his father hurts his mom, so he never brings up the letters, though he wants to, he can’t stop re-reading them; there’s quite a few hand written, it takes him a bit to make sense of them, but what he learns seems out of a story book.

C.M., as Evan doesn’t have their real name, meet his ancestor on a party and quickly befriended him; and Evan could tell his ancestor was a guy because they apparently shared a name, which he knew thanks to C.M. starting the first few letters with a very familiar ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.

The later letters have a very distinct change, as C.M. grows infatuated with Evan’s ancestor, whom Evan will refer to as E.H. just to keep track; and who probably reciprocated if the slow turn into love letters is anything to go by.

Through the letters he finds out that C.M. comes from a wealthy family, and that they don’t seem to have the best relationship with them, as they want them to cut all ties with E.H.; the letters imply that there’s more to it than monetary interests.

If Evan’s making the right math with the dates, E.H. would be his great-grandfather, which helps Evan feel a little more connected with the person C.M. cares about so deeply. It also tells Evan that there’s a gap in between the letters, in which nothing was written, the letter that follows makes it seem as though C.M. is very far away; Evan guesses their family moved away, tearing the two lovers apart, then there’s a bunch of telegrams, held together with string, some of them are trivial, mostly C.M. complaining about their family, and their insistence on finding C.M. a spouse; but others catch Evan’s eye, as C.M. makes the most of the fact that their family isn’t reading the telegrams to be very open about their affection towards E.H., everything seems to be going their way, but then Evan finds one last letter, one that’s still in its envelope, it’s hand written, but newer than any of the others, it comes with something attached.

Evan gets teary eyed as he reads the letter, quickly making the connection that something must have happened to E.H.; and he feels frustrated at the lack of information, but there’s little he can do about that. The letter mentions a picture, and Evan is a bit surprised to find it still there, he takes it out of the envelope and freezes.

Staring back at him, looking like the picture of a perfect gentleman, is a man that looks every bit like someone he knows. Evan actually searches for his latest yearbook just to make sure, finds the right picture and puts them side to side; surely enough C.M. looks like the posher, old time version of Connor Murphy.

Chapter Text

The metal suitcase and key where hidden in the attic, inside a box with a bunch of things Connor would’ve never bothered with in the first place, and Connor had long since forgotten what he had been looking for in the first place, the suitcase was engraved and everything, key hanging of the handle by a piece of string, the engraving read ‘C. Murphy’.

Connor had received his name from his great grandad, so he figured this belonged to him. Curious, and with nothing better to do than sit in an attic looking at old things, he opened it. Inside he found three open envelopes with paper inside, a stack of telegrams, a newspaper clipping, and a picture frame that faced the interior of the suitcase, he started with that, turning it over to stare at the picture of a familiar looking man, not familiar in the sense that he looked to be related to any of the Murphys, but familiar as in Connor had seen someone with those features before, he just couldn’t remember where.

Figuring he’d get some sort of clue from the letters, he started by opening the envelopes, then untying the stack of telegrams, then organizing the letters in order. At first he skimmed through them, then, upon realizing what they were he picked everything up, closed the suitcase and escaped with it to his bedroom.

Connor was, a secret romantic, and that meant he had a soft spot in his heart for love letters, and these also told a story. The sender signed only with the initials ‘E.H.’, so that’s what Connor would refer to them as, he would have to refer to his great grandpa as C.M. to avoid confusing himself.

E.H. had a neat cursive when writing on hand, and they made it clear that the letters weren’t just read by the two people that they belonged to; their excitement over the telegram was cute. The telegrams, on the other hand, were obviously private, as E.H. wasted no effort in hiding just how deep their relationship to C.M. really was; practically waxing poetry as he worried over their love.

Apparently, C.M. also had a bad relationship with his parents, though C.M.’s anger came from the fact that they were the ones keeping him from E.H.; Connor was glad E.H. was so wordy on their letters.

Connor was fully convinced that E.H. was completely besotted for C.M., and the feeling was returned, when he reached the point of the last hand-written letter. The writing on this one was messy, and it didn’t take a calligraphist to be able to tell that it was written through tears; Connor’s heart ached as E.H. was stripped of any chance they had to be with their love.

The newspaper clip talked about the camera, the word photographs was underlined, and Connor connected the dots. The picture was not of his great-grandfather, but of E.H.; and it had been an act of rebellion to ensure C.M. wouldn’t forget the person who loved him most. At least Connor wasn’t the only Murphy to prefer guys, and he had to hand it to his great-grandfather, E.H. was just as beautiful as his writing.

Chapter Text

Could you fall in love with the concept of a person?

Evan knew it was possible, because this felt like his crush on Zoe had, only far more hopeless; Evan was enamored with the words of C.M., and he knew that would make any interaction with Connor a trip and half, the similarity was uncanny, and Evan wasn’t sure how he’d react.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Connor, on the other hand, never thought about it, never considered love, but being infatuated with a person long gone meant the only one getting hurt was him; however he worried about the fact that the picture had been so familiar. Even though it was definitely the first time he had seen the photo, which was now safe in his hiding place, where Connor could stare at it in failed attempts at remembering where he had seen that face before, but his family would be none the wiser.

Everything came crashing down when they went back to school, when Evan walked by Connor without noticing and Connor did a double take three steps later, when it registered in his head that ‘oh, that guy looks like E.H.’; and whipped around, needing to make sure.

He soon finds himself face to face with Evan Hansen.

It made sense; it made all the sense in the world.

Not only did Hansen share initials with E.H., but he was practically a carbon copy of the man, how had Connor gone this long without ever taking a proper look at him? How did someone so beautiful slip under the radar of people? Did Evan know about the letters? Did he know who Connor was?

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

The two stand there, in complete silence, just staring at the other like they’re seeing a ghost, and then Evan takes out a well-worn book, from which he pulls a photograph, taking a step towards Connor.

Connor offers one of the telegrams instead; the picture and its frame are kept hidden, where Larry can’t possibly hear about them. Evan is bold once more.

“I uh… I kind of want to know the other side of the story”

Connor has never agreed with a sentence more.  

Chapter Text

They arrange to meet so that they can read the whole story in one go, Evan explains that C.M. had to burn most of his letters so his family wouldn’t go after E.H.; Connor is a sucker for that kind of shit, it’s tragic that he’ll never get to read the letters that made C.M. fall for E.H.; but Connor’s fallen for the ones after that so he doesn’t think it took much effort.

Connor makes a few historical puns, but it takes a while for Evan to be comfortable while alone with him, once he does though, he starts calling Connor’s bullshit whenever he gets something wrong; later he even quotes one of the most suggestive lines from C.M.’s letters with little to no stutter, and Connor falls to the floor, rolling in laughter; when he recovers he finds Evan smiling at him, eyes gleaming with amusement, and his heart skips a few beats.

By the time they finish piecing together everything it’s gotten late, and Connor has to go, he finds that he doesn’t want this to end, doesn’t think he’s capable of going back to how things were before, not now that Hansen has turned into Evan.

“Don’t be a stranger Hansen”

“No one says that anymore Murphy”

“Damn, annihilate me”

“Oh god I-“

“Nope, I deserved that, no apologies” 

Evan actually giggles at that, which is the single most adorable thing, Connor is too gay for this shit.

“I’ll see you at school?”

A reasonable question, considering… well, everything.

“Sure Hansen”

Connor thinks of many ways to accompany that sentence, but each is a little more telling of his sexuality, and the fact that he thinks Evan is cute, and honestly he doesn’t want to deal with this right now; so he just leaves with a wave goodbye.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-... .-. . .- -.- / .-.. .. -. .}-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Can you fall in love with the same person twice?

Evan had to remind himself that Connor wasn’t C.M.; even when the two shared so much in common, which Evan knew because Connor kept talking to him after the whole ordeal was over, or should’ve been over. Falling for Connor was surprisingly easy though, he had no fear of speaking his mind, and Evan envied him for this, but he also had a softer side that was reserved for people who actually tried to get to it, and Evan was lucky enough to be one of those people.

The hopeless romantic Evan had come to cherish on C.M.’s words liked to rear its head in Connor whenever he spoke about the letters, when he tried to come up with the words E.H. would have used to respond to C.M.’s earlier letters.

“You know, it feels like we switched places, like I should be reading for E.H. and what not”

Connor hummed, but it would make sense for Connor to be the voice of C.M., because Evan seemed to love them both, and because they both loved E.H.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

“How would you respond to him then?”

Connor asks because he knows Evan loves C.M., but refuses to associate him any more with E.H. than he already does, and he refuses to admit that hearing Evan wax poetry about C.M. would hurt him at all.

Connor had known when he approached Evan again, that if he got too close he would inevitably fall for the boy. But Evan was understanding, and willing to listen, and everything Connor had longed for, and he couldn’t let him go, so he faced the consequences.

Now he watched, as Evan fixed his eyes on something Connor couldn’t see, a soft smile drawing itself on his lips.

“I would be doubtful, at first, not really believing anyone could feel like that towards me, much less someone so wonderful”

Connor can imagine the reaction C.M. would’ve had, at having his feelings be both doubted and reciprocated in one go. He can see the response written in the letters Evan found of that time, it had been enough to make Evan fall, and Connor wants to know how to do that.

Evan turns to him, still smiling softly, and Connor’s heart does somersaults, he wants to know what it’s like to be loved by this boy, doesn’t think he’s ever wanted something so badly.

Chapter Text

When Connor gets home that night he’s greeted by his sister.

Zoe stands in the center of the living room, arms crossed, Connor was fucked.

“And where exactly have you been disappearing to all week mister?”

“No one says that anymore Murphy”

“What the fuck Connor?”

“Man that sounds really weird when I say it”

“Where have you been Connor?”

“Out”

“That’s not an answer”

“Oh, sure! I’ve been out sucking dick for meth, is that what you want to hear Zoe?”

“Is that what you’ve been doing?”

“No, fuck off”

“Then what have you been doing?”

“I was hanging out with Hansen, you know, my friend”

“Then why didn’t you say so?!”

“Because the last time I tried talking about a guy I liked you scared him away!”

There’s a pause, as Connor gets his breath back, and both of them catch up to what’s been said. Connor pales, swallowing loudly, before getting the fuck away, locking himself into his room and collapsing against his door, head in his hands as he lets out a muffled scream.

Zoe blinked at the space her brother had just occupied, once, twice, thrice, till his words finally made sense.

“Oh”

A smile started stretching across her face, because a lot made more sense now.

“Oh!”

Her brother was head over heels for sweet and shy Evan Hansen; that was kind of adorable, actually.  

The last time Connor had a crush on someone was close to the worst fight they had. It was when the pills and the therapy seemed to be a moot point, when his temper seemed to only get worse, and Zoe told the guy to cut things off with Connor before he got hurt, she had been angry and scared; she couldn’t say she wouldn’t have done something similar with Evan Hansen.

However, not counting this fight, Connor had been mellower in the last week, which is a whole fucking achievement; Zoe should ask Evan for pointers on how to do that. A smile drew itself on her face as she had a brilliant idea; picking her cellphone she sent a quick text.

Bulletjazz: Hey Lana

Bulletjazz: Do you have Jared Kleinman’s number?

Chapter Text

Evan has gotten used to Jared randomly climbing through his window. Ok, that’s a lie, who could ever get used to something like that? It’s just that once his mind makes the connection that this is Jared; then it calms down a little.

“Hey Hansen, we’re going to a party this Friday, just warning you”

Besides the whole getting Evan closer to a heart attack, Jared also had the bad habit of dragging Evan places, normally nowhere too out of Evan’s comfort zone, so while it isn’t exactly surprising, it is odd.

“Anyway, that’s all I had to say, no you can’t get out of this, I already told your mom”

“What the- Jared!”

Jared was out of the window before Evan could say anything else, he slumped into his bed groaning; it was only Tuesday, but he already could tell Friday would be a disaster.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Wednesday morning Connor notices something off, Evan had been slowly getting comfortable around Connor while in school, but today it was as though all his walls had been built back up, and it pulled at Connor’s heartstrings, did he do something wrong?

Eventually, he caves and asks him during lunch, mainly because they’re outside, away from prying eyes, but Evan is still way to tense.

“Is everything ok?”

Evan opens his mouth, fake grin painted expertly, only to sigh loudly and give Connor a more real, and sheepish smile.

“Is nothing really, just… Jared is dragging me to this party on Friday, and I can already see how it’s going to turn out”

Connor’s heard about the party from his sister, and he knows Evan by now, so he can’t just stay put and do nothing about it.

“Oh, you too?”

Evan frowns at him.

“What does that mean?”

“Zoe is dragging me to the party too, parents wat her to keep an eye on me, and she wants to socialize or whatever”

“Oh”

“Yeah, so, I could always come to your rescue if Kleinman ditches you”

Evan blinks at him, before smiling tentatively.

“Really?”

Connor shrugs, though Evan is actually the only reason he’s even thinking about going.

“You’re not that hard to find”

Evan gives him a dopey smile.

“I think I might love you”

“What?”

Evan goes completely still for a moment, and… is he blushing?

“I must leave”

As Evan runs away, with a speed that Connor didn’t know him capable of, Connor sinks to the ground, back against a tree, did that just happen?

><><><><><><><><><>< 

Bulletjazz: Hey Lana

Bulletjazz: Do you have Jared Kleinman’s number?

BeckAn: Might I ask why you need it?

Bulletjazz: Oh, it’s kind of about Connor

Bulletjazz: He has a crush on Evan Hansen

Bulletjazz: And I wanted to be a good sister and help him out

BeckAn: I did notice Connor and Evan getting closer

BeckAn: But I didn’t know their relationship was of the romantic kind

Bulletjazz: It isn’t yet

Bulletjazz: But it’ll be soon if my plan works

BeckAn: I’ll send you Jared’s number as requested

-|-New contact info-|-

-|-Added new contact-|-

><><><><><><><><><>< 

Bulletjazz: Hello Jared

Bulletjazz: It’s Zoe Murphy

Bulletjazz: Alana gave me your number

J.Exe: Well hello there

J.Exe: What can the J man do for you?

Bulletjazz: I need a tinny favor

Bulletjazz: Do you know Evan Hansen?

J.Exe: Why, interested?

Bulletjazz: What? No!

J.Exe: Bc he has a thing for your brother

J.Exe: And that’d be kind of sad

Bulletjazz: I want to help them get together

J.Exe: Oh, cool

J.Exe: I’m in, the pinning is ridiculous

Bulletjazz: Ok, first things first

Bulletjazz: You’re going to invite Evan to the party this Friday

Bulletjazz: Make sure he goes

J.Exe: Consider it done

J.Exe: What about Hot Topic?

Bulletjazz: Don’t worry about him

Bulletjazz: He’ll be there

J.Exe: Whatever you say Murphy

Bulletjazz: Here’s the plan

-|-New file attached-|-

J.Exe: Huh

J.Exe: That could actually work

Bulletjazz: Think you can do it?

J.Exe: Never doubt the awesomeness of Jared Kleinman

Chapter Text

Connor reaches a decision, after the whole two days where his interactions with Evan have gone back to being awkward. He decides to be honest, clear the air, and try not to fantasize about his feelings being reciprocated.

But once Friday does come he’s getting ready for the party, and runs a plan on his head for how to approach Evan. And it’s a thing, because he wants to make an impression, and it takes him digging in his closet for a non-ripped pair of pants to realize he’s acting like he’s going on a date, when he’s actually going to confess to the prettiest boy ever, and probably ruin his friendship with said boy.

And if Evan did mean those words; then is Connor really the kind of person Evan should be with? But, if he has any chance to be with Evan at all, then he wants it, wants to be selfish on this.

God; Connor’s not ready for this party, or anything it will bring.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Jared was digging through Evan’s closet; the other figured it was just Jared’s attempt at making him look descent; or as descent as Evan can get.

He comes out of it with probably the only black shirt Evan owns, which has the words ‘I like you more than coffee’ on the front, and ´but not always before coffee’ on the back; because Evan though the phrase was kind of funny, but he doesn’t really drink coffee, so he didn’t think he could wear it. Jared throws it at him and then digs out a pair of dark blue jeans; they’re a tight fit, so Evan’s rarely ever worn them.

“Hold a sec”

He gets his bag, which Evan had been wondering about, and pulls out a pair of neon green converse, and then another one of baby blue ones; Evan quickly grabs the second pair, Jared rolls his eyes but nods in agreement.

Jared is wearing a red shirt, a pair of black jeans, and now, the neon green converse, but he’s Jared so he pulls it off; Evan is both amazed and jealous.

“So, Connor Murphy”

Evan blinked, but he reasoned this had a long way coming.

“W-what about him?”

Jared smirked at him, like he knew something Evan didn’t.

“Well, do you have a Murphy kink or something?”

“Just because I like him…”

Evan went completely red, oh god.

“I didn’t just say that”

“Dude it’s ok, I knew, hard not to with how much you’ve been flirting”

“I haven’t been flirting with Connor”

“Say that until you actually believe it”

Evan opened his mouth to retort but promptly closed when he realized what Jared was doing, cheeks still painted pink.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-... .-. . .- -.- / .-.. .. -. .}-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Zoe was standing in the door frame of her brother’s bedroom, astonished. Sure, it wasn’t the first time her brother had left his room like a hurricane had passed through, but normally it was just the things that were in reach, not the entire contents of his wardrobe, sitting cross-legged in the bed, hands together in a mock prayer with his nose sinking in between, was Connor.

He has a pair of miraculously non-ripped jeans sitting in the bed with him, but he’s staring at the clothes on his floor like they personally offended him.

“You own white jeans?”

He doesn’t even lift his head, apparently too busy making sense of his own clothing choices, it’s slightly amusing.

“I was surprised too”

“Ok, you need a dark color or he’s not gonna recognize you”

He finally looks her way, completely flustered.

“I’m not-“

“I’m going to stop you right there, because we both know you’re about to lie”

Connor huffs, Zoe strides to the pile of clothes receiving only a curious stare, it could be worse. She digs in until something catches her eye, it’s a purple shirt with a design of what looks like an eye but the pupil is a half-moon, she shrugs but throws it at him, hitting him in the face.

“Wear that”

Connor pulls the shirt off his face, looking at it before giving her a confused look.

“Trust me on this, now go clean up, and come back so I can tie your hair”

Surprisingly, he does as told, and she decides that he’s definitely smitten. She hopes, truly and with all of her, that Jared was right, and that Evan won’t break her brother’s heart.

Chapter Text

The party is at the house of some popular kid Connor doesn’t care for, so they aren’t an asshole at the very least. It takes him a minute of wading through other teenage bodies to find Evan.

Connor makes a double take once he gets a proper look of him, and he once more wonders how it could be possible for people not to see him when he’s the only thing Connor can seem to look at.

Evan looks up, probably sensing the eyes on him, and smiles at Connor in a way that leaves his heart speeding out of control. Connor walks the rest of the distance, feeling a bit silly for having been just standing there like a creep, or a lovesick idiot more like.

“You look nice… I mean, you looked nice before, I just-“

“Hansen”

“I think you look nicer now, not that there’s anything wrong with how you usually look, I-“

“Evan”

He stops then, looking like this is the first time he’s ever heard his own name, Connor smiles at him.

“You look nice too”

“O-oh, thanks”

There’s a beat of silence, as Connor tries desperately to find something to say, anything to break the atmosphere that’s fallen on them. That’s when Jared Kleinman appears, slinging an arm around Evan, who stiffens almost audibly.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeey Murphyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

“How drunk are you?”

“I’m gonna drag my boy here for some truth or dare, feel free to join us”

“Jared wait-“

“Oh, come oooooooooon Han-sen, you don’t spend time with me anymore”

Evan lets out an exasperated sigh before he gives Connor a sheepish smile and lets Kleinman drag him away. Connor takes a moment to try and make sense on the relationship between the two before giving up, instead he follows after them, it’s gonna be a long night.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-....-...--.- .-....-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The circle is formed by four people Connor doesn’t recognize, his sister, Jared Kleinman, Evan, and surprisingly Alana. When Connor sits down, right next to Evan, they pass him a glass and fill it with beer; he notices everyone has one.

“We’re playing drunken truth or dare, which is normal truth or dare but with more alcohol involved”

The explanation comes from one of the strangers, a boy who looked to be the less drunk of all of them, he continued by swinging an empty bottle of beer into view.

“If you don’t want to answer a truth, you take a swing, can’t pass a dare though, but you can drink for some bravery if you need it”

Then the girl right next to him piped up

“Oh, are we playing by the rule of three truths one dare?”

“Yeah, sure, that oughtta make it more interesting”

He placed the bottle down into the center of their make-shift circle

“I’ll start, and then we’ll go counter clockwise”

He spins the bottle and it lands on Kleinman, who raises an eyebrow, the guy makes a hand motion.

“I’ll pick dare”

And that’s how it starts.

They go around, most truths are boring, but the dares are interesting, Connor learns that he can stay on his tiptoes for like twenty minutes, which apparently is a lot, or it seems to be to the group of drunk teenagers. Then the bottle lands on Evan, who’s only been picked twice so far, so he still has a truth left, the unknown girl is the one to ask.

"Who do you have a crush on?"

Evan blushed and quickly took a gulp of his beer; Connor guessed it'd be difficult to explain to a bunch of teenagers that he had a crush on someone who died years ago.

"He did that because they're in the room"

Kleinman's voice is louder now that he's properly drunk, Connor wants to brush it off because it's Kleinman, and he's known to joke about these things, but Evan looks down completely flustered and everything halts.

Evan Hansen has a crush on one of the people in this room, most likely someone in this circle, how did Connor not notice?

He was so sure Evan was fully in love with C.M., or at least the idea of him, that he never thought the other would have a crush on one of their classmate, but it made sense, it made all the sense in the world. Whoever they were would surely fall in love with Evan just as easily as Connor had, but he would still keep an eye on them, make sure they wouldn't harm Evan.

It hurt though, it hurt so fucking much, not only to know that Evan liked someone else, but that he had told Kleinman and not Connor; it hurt to know Evan didn't trust him enough to tell him; sure, Connor hadn't told Evan about his own crush, but that was because said crush was on the boy himself. But he wouldn't let that destroy his friendship with Evan, if this person made Evan happy, if they brought that bright eyed look he got when he loved something out, then that would be enough for Connor, it would have to be.

He’s barely paying attention to the next few turns, but then Kleinman has the bottle, and he looks like he’s plotting something, and Connor has to stop himself from swallowing too loudly.

The bottle spins with a glassy sound, and somehow, and here Connor is pretty sure Kleinman found a way to cheat at spin the bottle, the bottle lands on Evan, who looks pale-ish.

“Can’t run away tree boy”

Evan noticeably shivered, eyes set only on Jared, dread practically irradiating from him, Connor knew what he was going to ask, and knew, despite how many times he told himself that he cared more about Evan being happy, that this would destroy him.

Chapter Text

Jared smirks, and Evan knows he’s going to die because he recognizes the look.

“I dare you to kiss your crush”

Yep, Evan was dead, oh god. It didn’t help that he couldn’t back out, or he could but that would break the rules, and then everyone would be upset, and he would have to leave, and he didn’t want to walk to his house alone at this hour. He swallows what’s left on his glass with one single movement, and feels it going down for something to delay this, closing his eyes as he does.

He can feel the eyes of those around him, and when the staring gets to be too much he opens his eyes, takes a breath and turns to Connor, who frowns at him after a beat, and Evan makes a note to apologize. He pulls Connor down, just enough to crash their lips together, and it’s rushed, and not at all how he imagined his first kiss going, but Evan doesn’t let himself linger too long, pulling away.

Evan hears the exited voices of the rest of the circle, but all he can really concentrate in is Connor. Connor who has gone completely still, eyes wide and staring at him; Evan opened his mouth, ready to apologize profusely and wait for the worst, but he couldn’t.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

“I dare you to kiss your crush”

Connor knew it was going to happen, and he was not ready to see it happen, but he still watched as Evan drank down what he had left in the glass in one go, and how he closes his eyes for a moment, probably steeling himself, Connor wants nothing more than to run away now, before he gets his heart broken, but he’s frozen in place.

Evan opens his eyes, taking a deep breath, and turns to Connor, probably looking for some reassurance, something to fall back on, lake-blue eyes clashing with mismatched ones. The next thing Connor knows is that there are lips pressed against his, and everything stops, and he can’t move, he’s screaming in his head because he wants this, he wants this and needs Evan to know, and he can’t fucking move.

Evan pulls away and Connor feels his heart clenching, he watches as Evan becomes sheepish, he sees when he’ll start to apologize, and something snaps, and he’s moving, pulling Evan to him and finally, finally kissing him. Slowly, but surely, he feels Evan kissing back, and it feels right,  and when he pulls away for air Evan looks at him with half-lidded eyes, grinning, and he looks at him like Connor is all he can look at.

“Get a room!”  

Connor flips Kleinman off, but he stands and pulls Evan to his feet, and guides him out of the house, only there does he ask.

“Did you mean it?”

“Yes! I mean, yes, of course”

Connor nods, Evan takes a step closer.

“Did you?”

“Yes”

And Evan beams at him, like that’s the best thing he’s heard. He reaches a hand out and places it on Connor’s cheek.

“I’m going to kiss you”

And Connor’s smiling like an idiot, but he doesn’t care, he feels so fucking happy. He nods, and meets Evan halfway, and god, he’s the luckiest person ever.

Fin.