Work Text:
The hardest part about his destiny was the loneliness. Sure, there was Arthur but Arthur didn’t care for him in the same way. To Arthur, he was just another servant—albeit a loyal one who had been willing to put his life on the line many times for the King, but still just a servant. They could never truly be equals or friends even. The king had stated as much on many occasions. Then there was the fact that Arthur loved Gwen and Gwen loved Arthur and while Merlin was happy for that, he hated it all the same. He cared a great deal for Arthur but it wasn’t as though he thought Gwen didn’t care.. perhaps Merlin cared too much for Arthur.
There was Gwaine but Gwaine had become more enticed by his new kinship with the knights. He had changed since becoming a knight and Merlin hardly ever saw him between Gwaine’s duties and his own of saving Arthur’s backside so frequently.
There was Gwen but again: she was with the King and the sort of relationship Merlin had with the Queen wasn’t one of romance or anything more than friendship. At best she felt like a sister or his best friend. He couldn’t imagine ever having her be with him.
There had been feelings for Morgana, once, but it was clear they walked different paths especially now. He felt immense guilt whenever he thought of her. He could have saved her, he could have prevented all this. Instead, his actions drove her straight into her destiny and had caused her to hate him. Thinking about Morgana hurt more than any wound he’d suffered in the last ten years.
Once there had been Freya, but now the barrier of life and death kept them apart. That was when Merlin came to understand that his destiny would not allow him things like love. Especially if it strayed him from his path. But knowing that didn’t make it any less lonely.
Despite being surrounded by people who cared for him... the world still felt heart achingly lonely to him.