Archive of Our Own ^beta

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“Nana, it’s hard.” Mark muttered slowly, making the words sink into Jaemin as if they weren’t clear enough. 

Jaemin clutched his phone tightly, preventing himself to emit a single noise. His breathing uneven. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me.”

Mark’s tone was pleading, the most desperate Mark has ever got since Jaemin first met him. It was unbearable to listen and it made Jaemin almost run to NCT’s dorm or to wherever Mark was just to give him a hug. 

The younger knows, he knows how much the leader was hurting because he himself has been feeling the same emotion for a few months now. 

“Hyung…. You know Donghyuck loves you…” Jaemin quietly said after a moment, and he knew it didn’t assure Mark much because his words didn’t sound so convincing. Even Jaemin wasn’t sure himself anymore. 

He heard a faint chuckle from the other line, it sounded more like Mark choking down a sob but Jaemin didn’t commented on that. 

“Yeah.. He does. Right? And Jeno loves you too.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it was a harsh one. Hitting right through Jaemin’s fragile heart.

A drop of tear fell from Jaemin’s eye, followed by another one and more. The brown-haired boy bit his lower lip, drawing blood from it. 

“We sound like fools.” Jaemin managed to deliver without releasing a sob. 

Mark laughed earnestly at that, causing the younger male to grin too. Mark’s laughter is nice to hear. The leader doesn’t laugh much offcam these days, being too troubled by all the work and his problem with Donghyuck. 

“We sound like fools because we are fools Jaemin, you know it.” Mark’s words were soft, but it didn’t lack honesty. It was stable and firm, not giving the younger any chance to say otherwise. 

“Good point hyung.” He seconded, nodding along as if the gesture was visible to the other line. “I know I’m stupid at school, but I didn’t know I’ll be stupid when it comes to love too. Unfair!” he added as he forced a giggle out of his lips. 

They were silent for a moment, all could Jaemin notice is the awful taste of his own blood coloring his pale lips as he bit it harder and the salty liquid streaming down his cheeks. He wanted to feel the pain, to distract himself from the tugging of his heart. But he can’t. The scratch that Lee Jeno left in his chest was more agonizing than any wound he ever acquired. 

“Tell me Jaemin, what did you like about him?” He heard mark ask a few moments later. It confused the younger boy at first but after processing the words, a smile grazed his bruised lips. 

He inhaled deeply before gathering the strength to answer, whole-heartedly.

“Everything hyung. Everything about Jeno is perfect… He is so, so perfect. So damn perfect it hurts. I- I j-just… I just love him so much.” He finished off with a whimper, bringing his free hand over his mouth to prevent himself from creating any more noise. 

“He’s lucky to have someone like you.” Mark uttered sincerely, letting himself fall back into his cold bed making a soft tud. 

Jaemin blinked twice. “Is he?” 

“So it’s possible for Donghyuck to fall for him too….”

“I don’t know. Is it?” Jaemin wanted to burst out laughing. Life is so pathetic. One of his closest friend is asking him if its possible for his boyfriend to fall for the boy Jaemin is inlove with? Isn’t that the most peculiar question a person could ever hear? 

Yes Jeno is beautiful. So is Donghyuck. They’ll make a great pair, really. While he and Mark are nothing but insecure teenagers who are not even sure about their boyfriends’ love for them. 

“Jeno’s still contacting you right?” Mark asked out of nowhere, shifting the topic. 

The question caught Jaemin off guard. It was the question he had been avoiding all these time. He pulled the sheets higher on his chest, trying to provide himself the warmth he’s been missing. 

“No. Not anymore.” 

Mark’s heavy breathing could be heard, he was probably having a hard time dealing with the conversation they were having. 

Jaemin understands that Mark was stressed, sad and lost. He’s tired and so is Jaemin. They’re both consoling their broken hearts. 

Can a wounded soldier tend to another wounded soldier? Sure he can. But it’ll worsen his own injury. 

“We broke up hyung.” 

It was something Mark didn’t expect to hear. Not from Jaemin, not about his and Jeno’s perfect relationship. How could that be true when you can’t even separate the two when Jaemin was still living in their dorm. They do things together, not living one out. 

Mark was a witness of how much they loved each other. Of how much Jeno valued Jaemin and of how much Jaemin adored Jeno. 

“W-why?” Mark questioned in disbelief, his voice wasn’t stable threatening to fail him soon. 

Jaemin fisted the corner of his blanket, bringing the hem under his chin as he squirmed to make himself more comfortable on his bed. The cool air was blowing towards his open window, but he didn’t make any efforts to close it. The cold was seeping into his skin, but he didn’t care. 

“I set him free.” Jaemin smiled painfully as the words left his lips. Convincing himself that he’s doing good. Doing good at pretending that he isn’t hurting, that he made the right decision. 

It was for the best, he reminded himself. His already dried up cheeks were once more stained with his own tears.

 “Did you really have to?” 

“If Donghyuck tells you he loves someone else, would you do the same thing and let him go?” He asked, turning his body to face into the direction of his window. 

The sky was pitch black. It was a starless night. The moon was nowhere to be seen too, making the surrounding dark. 

The breeze was rocking a nearby tree, making calming sounds caused by the rustling leaves. The lightning strikes from time to time, being followed by a thunder that would never catch its muse. 

“Should I?” was the answer that came.