Archive of Our Own ^beta

From the private journals of Isabella, Lady Trent – redacted from the memoir manuscripts by the editor

 ***

This may come as a surprise to you, dear reader, but even after taking a great leap of a cliff, one must eventually come down. Even if it is only a metaphorical leap, and a figurative fall. Then again, if you recall my incident in Mouleen involving a glider and a waterfall, perhaps you were better prepared than I.

Tom continued to be almost unmoved by my most recent escapade.

‘If I told you I was surprised, would you believe me?’ He asked as we fed the dragons for the night.

‘Probably not,’ I admitted.  ‘Although you might be the only person in the world that applies to. I’m glad we’re going to the desert soon – I’d rather not be here to receive mail by the time news reaches our colleagues or, god forbid, my mother.’

Andrew was less philosophical about the whole thing. ‘I cannot wait until Mother finds out,’ he said, grinning for all it was worth.

‘Oh, thank you,’ I replied, dry as our surroundings. ‘Your compassion is much appreciated.’

‘Admit it – it’s been a good while since she had reason to get really outraged at you. You wouldn’t want it to go stale.’ He glanced at his watch, then gave me a nudge. ‘Now get going! It’s evening and I’m sure your new husband must be back any moment now!’

I left him to his cackling – he hadn’t really stopped ever since I asked him to serve as a witness – and not long after I had the opportunity to entirely wash my hands of thinking of anyone I did not like. Suhail returned, and we headed for a hotel in the city. Ostensibly because he had been kicked out of his family home and my room could at the moment not house us both – but in reality we were eager for some privacy after experiencing a severe lack of it for so long. Andrew had still waggled his eyebrows at me all the same.

Of course, these things never go entirely according to plan.

The point of landing, for me, came while I was soaking in an exquisitely tiled bathroom at that hotel, in the centre of Quarrat, on the evening of the day I proposed to him.

Because, yes, even if it did all eventually go well, there were still matters that needed sorting out. As I scrubbed away the grit of the desert climate, an unwelcome thought surfaced along with the soap bubbles. There were some very particular reasons as to why I had up until this point fervently avoided marriage. It was not as if I hadn’t had the chance to marry again after Jacob’s death – although I had found none of my self-declared suitors particularly appealing. The nature of my feelings might have changed. The nature of the reasons, however, had not.

I shook my head, as if that were in any way helpful in dislodging those thoughts, and went and dried off. Once I was dressed, I went into the rooms we had rented for the night. They were lavishly carpeted and decorated, and a little on the steep side when it came to the price, but even though I am capable of sleeping in uncomfortable and Spartan circumstances and frequently have done so, I do not actually enjoy it. I thought I could be excused a night’s comfort.

There was a bed in the middle of the room, and on it lay Suhail on his back, diagonally to the common fashion. His legs hanging over the edge, arms splayed to either side. He appeared to be asleep.

When I bent over to see if this was the case, he opened his eyes and looked at me, so that he had to be seeing me upside down.

‘I don’t think I was gone that long,’ I said.

‘I may have nodded off,’ he admitted, grinning back in the most fetching way. ‘Do you know, this year I have been more bored than ever in my life and yet I believe I did not truly relax until now?’ His upside-down smile gleamed.

I found a smile breaking out on my own face in response. As little as I appreciated the frequent jab from my male colleagues that I did not smile often enough, I did not mind doing so one bit just now. ‘The bathroom is unoccupied if you wish to relax further.’

He sat up with a sudden energy. ‘I think I will. Desert-raised or not, I may have stayed away too long to ever be entirely fond of sand.’

The door closed behind him, and I sat down at a desk by the wall, reaching into the pocked of my dress for my field notes. Then I hesitated and, instead, took out a stack of paper from a drawer, graciously provided by the hotel. There were several letters I had to write, to people who deserved to hear of my second marriage (actually third, but they didn’t need to know that) from myself and not through gossip. Andrew wasn’t wrong – my mother would have to be told. Less because I thought it was any of her business and more because I would rather she did not entirely lose her composure. I had a vivid mental image of her coming to Akhia just so she could admonish me. Although the prospect was unlikely it moved me enough to resolve to have the letter sent by the end of the week. Natalie, of course, I would tell, simply because she was one of my closest friends. It occurred to me that she had not even met Suhail, although looking back, it could be that she would not be too surprised. Even though I had pretended a certain aloofness towards him even to her, I doubt it was all that convincing. I am ever transparent to those closest to me.

But first and foremost, I had to write of the news to my son. I had no doubt that Jake would be happy to see Suhail again, and yet... Jake had never known his father. He would have no comparison for what having one was like. And he had not been here to anticipate it.

I was still tapping the wrong end of the pen on the paper when Suhail came out of the bathroom, smelling of clove soap. He leaned over my shoulder to look at what turned out to be an empty page.

‘Did a sudden hypothesis strike while I was gone?’ He asked.

‘I said I would not bring my work with me, remember?’ I shrugged. ‘But I thought I might write to Jake and tell him the news.’ The pen ceased its tapping. ‘But I am afraid I do not know where to start.’

Suhail said nothing, but laid an encouraging hand on my shoulder.

I turned around and smiled. ‘But that can wait for now.’ My own hand reached for the one that lay on my shoulder.

He smiled again, entirely unreserved, and it was such a wonderful return to our old ways that he no longer had to curb the emotions that showed so easily on his expressive face. I could not but lean forward and kiss him.

His fingers, for a second, were stiff in mine, and then he twined our hands together, as if in pleasant surprise.

It was sweet, to kiss him like this after all this time, but I’m afraid I didn’t keep it merely chaste for long. At some point I was out of my seat, with my arms around on his shoulders and his around me. Not long after, the back of his knees bumped against the edge of the bed. I may have been unsubtly steering us in that direction, and followed him as he sat down, eager to not break the contact. As our kissing become even more involved, I reached for his face, caressing the curve of his cheekbones. Then my fingers found his hair, and the silky softness of his curls. I wasted no time making myself familiar. Of the many regrets I had had from parting from him in the Broken Sea and the subsequent wall between us, was never getting the chance to run my hands through his beautiful hair.

I pulled away for a moment to lay a kiss at the nape of his neck, which caused him to give the most delightful little sound, and it compelled me to kiss him again.

Just then, we overbalanced, and he fell onto his back, and me after him. We lay still for a moment, me leaning over him, both breathing heavily. His face was flushed, and he had seemed as enthusiastic in our activities as I. But he also seemed somewhat overwhelmed. I recalled his adherence to his culture’s rule of not touching women that weren’t part of his family, unless it was required by the circumstances. Of course we had had great fun bending those rules while I was married to Liluakame, but he never overstepped.

My own first wedding night had been something of a surprise, given my social class’s reluctance in educating girls in these matters. It had ultimately turned out fine, but I did not wish that initial panic on anyone. I wondered what to say, but only knew how to be straightforward.

‘Would you like to stop?’ I asked.

He swallowed, and seemed to argue with himself for a moment, but nodded.

We raised ourselves up against the headboard and after getting comfortable I leaned against him, grateful for his warmth even in the hot night air.

After a while he said, ‘I am sorry.’

I looked up at him in surprise, and saw a measure of self-loathing in his face. I laid my hand on his chin so that he would look at me. ‘If anyone should apologize, it’s me,’ I said. ‘After all, I did... rush in. As I seem to do in everything.’

He gave me a half-smile. ‘Then you should know it was a very pleasant rush,’ he said with some humour. ‘Understand, it’s not as if I do not want to. You just weren’t the only person who never expected to marry up until today. Again,’ he amended belatedly, in my case.

I gave him a curious look. ‘Not once?’ I asked.

‘It was rather a moot point after my father disowned me,’ he replied. ‘And after that, I was too busy travelling the world, trying to see it all.’

I hummed, and laid my head on his shoulder again. ‘Now that tune I know. Do you know, I think I regret not proposing to you sooner? If not for the fact that I had no idea how you would reply. That and I was busy worrying about my tattered reputation.’ Well, that ship had definitely sailed by now. ‘It would have saved us some trouble.’

He gave me a disbelieving look. ‘You had no idea as to my feelings on the matter?’

‘Maybe a little,’ I said. ‘But I had convinced myself that it was all wistful thinking on my part.’

This seemed to move him sufficiently that he placed a kiss atop my hair. ‘And you truly no longer worry about the effect that this – that I will have on your reputation?’

‘I had thought the part where I married you in front of witnesses made that clear,’ I joked. ‘But I do not. I had long ago decided not to condemn myself to live only by halves, as an old friend advised me. And when I realized that was what I was doing, by separating myself from you so thoroughly, I decided against it. Besides, my reputation is already bad enough, I can’t imagine it could get any worse.’ There, at least, I was partially right. A few of the items on that gossipy list made me frown. ‘I imagine I should probably clarify some of that – ‘

‘You have no obligation to do so,’ said Suhail emphatically. ‘Whatever the truth, it does not change the respect I have for you.’

His words warmed me, and I said, ‘Nevertheless, out of annoyance at the gossip-mongers, I would like to clarify that there never has been anything but a working relationship between Tom and I. All of those rumours seemed grounded largely on the basis that apparently, there cannot possibly exist a friendship between a man and a woman without any ulterior motive,’ I said, as deadpan as a rock.

Suhail laughed. ‘You must admit that in this respect they were not entirely wrong,’ he said, and gestured to our surroundings.

I elbowed him gently in the side.  ‘This is an outlier! Anyway, I would never give them the pleasure of admitting it.’

We sat in silence for a while, and I let myself enjoy his company in peace, occasionally curbing the urge to pull away guiltily as if Hussam or Pensythe or – god forbid, my mother – might suddenly appear, intoning to us about Improper Behaviour. Not that they had any ground to stand on in that regard, as we were now legally married. Although I wouldn’t put it past some of them to try, I would have been of the mind to defenestrate each and every one of them right out the window if they intruded now. The thought made me feel quite smug.

The one that preceded it turned my mind to a previous question I had asked myself. Suhail noticed the way it turned my expression. ‘What is it?’

I took a deep breath. ‘There is, in retrospect, one thing I feel I should have brought up before we, er, rushed into things.’ Even though the idea turned my stomach, I knew that discussing it now rather than waiting and letting it come between us was the best course.

Suhail waited patiently and before I could lose my nerve I looked him square in the eye and said, ‘I can’t have children. Physically, it would be very dangerous to my health – I could not carry Jake entirely to term and his birth alone was difficult enough. Even before that, being pregnant made me very sick and did not turn out –‘ I swallowed and searched for a word, ‘Successfully. If it happened again, both my life and that of the fetus would be at risk.’ To fill in the silence, I went on. ‘I know I should have said something when proposing, but –‘

To my great surprise, he kissed me; just once, just gently. ‘I am only the disowned second son and stand to inherit no position of power that needs passing on. I am very fond of your son and,’ he hesitated, ‘Hope to one day call him my own, if he accepts. Even if I felt some great longing for more children, it would be the height of arrogant selfishness on my part to put your life on the line to achieve it.’

Hearing that was such a relief that all my breath went out at once in a single undignified ‘woosh’.

He grinned at my response. ‘I’ve only just found you again,’ he said. ‘I don’t intend to lose you anytime soon.’

I smiled, and looked down ruefully. ‘You know, I was relieved when I found out? As much as I love Jake now, I was never really suited to motherhood. My male colleagues never quite understood that it wasn’t just a job of nine months. But the truth is that I never really wanted it, regardless of the timeframe.’

Suhail pondered this. ‘Well, scholar, scientist, dragon-rider, banned in three different countries... You may already be too formidable. Adding ‘ideal mother’ to the list just seems excessive.’

I couldn’t help laughing, despite the raw feeling of finally getting this off my chest. ‘Wait a second – I know you know of A’lu’ko’o – after all you were there. But I never told you about the other two!’

‘No, but... I didn’t exactly avoid rumours of your exploits in these last three years.’ He contrived to look embarrassed, but did not really succeed.

‘I assure you most of them are exaggerated. Well, at least some.’ I gave him a sideways glance. ‘But very few of them make me impervious to sleep. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.’

He pulled me closer, and yawned in response. ‘Who would have thought that scandalous elopement would be so tiring?’

‘I don’t think it counts as eloping unless you run away to somewhere else.’

He kissed the top of my head again. ‘I suppose this will have to do, for now.’

As I lay with my arms around him that night, it seemed remarkable to me that any of this had been such a source of anxiety to me before.

When I woke up, I had a kink in my back, my arm had gone to sleep and I lay on my stomach like a squished spider. Granted, this was not unusual given my erratic sleeping habits, but it did take me a moment to figure out where I was and why I wasn’t alone.

Beside me, Suhail mumbled ‘wstflg’ in his sleep, and turned over.

I smiled.

It took some time stretching to get my back in order, though. As it turns out, sleeping with another person after doing so alone for over a decade takes some getting used to. And once we got back to the House of Dragons, my brother wasted no time giving my dishevelled hair pointed looks and raised insinuating eyebrows at my yawning. I studiously ignored him – there was almost no-one on this earth I wanted to talk to about my personal life with less than my brother.

He did, however, do one good thing for me that day, although I did not appreciate it right away. That afternoon, Suhail and I moved into our new room in the base, which had already mysteriously acquired a double bed. We did grumble a bit as we moved my crates of books and field notes  from my old room, as it was in another wing of the compound, which left us with quite a bit of walking.

‘Wasn’t there another room of the same size closer to my old quarters?’ I asked the Sergeant, after putting down a particularly heavy box of papers.

‘Yes, ma’am, but Captain Hendemore insisted – that is, er, your brother suggested this one would be a better fit,’ said the Sergeant, staring straight ahead.

I gave him a quizzical look. ‘Did he say why?’

‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, staring over my left shoulder without making eye-contact. ‘Only that there were fewer people in this wing of the building.’

I stared at him until the implication (hard to spot if you did not envision my brother making it) sank in. I exchanged a look with Suhail, who shrugged, although I could tell he was hiding a grin. I threw up my hands. ‘Oh, whatever he says! And in turn he can help us carry those heavier boxes over here. No, Sergeant, thank you for your help, but we can manage the rest.’ As he left, his ears suspiciously red as he retreated, I turned to my husband and said, ‘And here I thought my brother was quite done meddling in my personal life. I will have to retaliate if he doesn’t stop.’

Suhail shrugged again, and this time the grin did break out. ‘Whatever his motivation, I cannot begrudge him giving us some more privacy.’

Just being here with him already felt good enough to be true. I closed the door behind me with a nudge, and put my arms around him, studying his face as leisurely as I could. ‘Then we had better put this gift to good use.’

Falling may be inevitable, but you can always take off again.