Chapter Text
Chapter 38:
-Justin
It was all fucked up. So very fucked up. I know I had said this before, but this time, I really mean it. I couldn't imagine things getting any worse from this. There just wasn't a way.
There were this shit that was going on about yesterday, all the mistakes and one thing leading to another and misunderstandings, things getting interpreted wrongly, hateful words in the air, Cody's angry and disappointed eyes, Harry's hopeless look in his eyes, Tom shaking his head and looking at the floor – and then there was me. Me who could do absolutely nothing. Me who everyone were looking at, searching for some answers that I didn't have. Questions being aimed at me, then shot straight in to my chest and I had no time to duck out of the way. I could just watch as the bullet slowly flew across the air and I could already imagine the pain that would- inevitably- come.
"Justin?" Cody asked. My dear, loved most important person on this whole wide world asked. His eyes were wide and his mouth was tight and his hands were squeezing something invisible in his fists. I felt like it was my heart.
"I..."I started but faded off. What could I say? How could I fix this? I turned to look at Harry and his messy hair and I wondered how he and Zayn made it work so easily. I wondered if they came out, would it be as bad for them as it was for us. I wondered if it was even wise to come out at all.
"Oh my god." he said and turned away from me.
"I'm not saying anything, I just! There's pictures and everything!." His eyes closed and when they opened again, he wasn't the same. He shook his head and turned around. We fought and with every word I died a little inside. No matter what I said, it only went downhill. Well it was more like jumping down forma cliff. The more we talked, the more things escalated and the faster I fell and the more it hurt when I hit the ground.
And Harry was there too. For some reason I felt anger towards him. He didn't really do anything, but.. How could I know what they were doing? Then my eyes focused on a hickey on his neck. It looked new. How could he have had sex after last night?
"And hey, how can you know that it wasn't me who gave that hickey to Harry? I mean there are couple missing minutes where there aren't pictures just before we walked in and met you?" Cody said and sometimes I hated how well he knew me. And how well he could sometimes read other people.
Then he turned and left.
"Cody where are you going?" I asked.
"Somewhere else." he said and left. Harry said he'd go with Cody. Then it was just me in the room. There were other people but I felt alone. More alone I have felt in a long while.
"I can't do this." I said to Tom.
-Harry
"Just come back will you?" I shouted after him.
"No."
"Then would you even stop?"
"No."
"Just slow down then even! Anything really, I am not a person who could run a marathon unlike you." I said but it had no effect on him.
"You're the most stubborn and hard headed person I have ever met. And I know Louis and he's a hard one to beat." Again he kept on walking – more like running in my eyes – the hotels hallway.
He went towards the elevators and like magic one appeared right away. He stepped in, but I still had around ten meters to the doors.
"Can you at least keep the door open for me or what?" I shouted to him. He looked up and gave me a not so pleasant look but put his hand between the doors as they began to slide shut. I ran the last couple of meters and hopped in next to him.
"Well thank you. You do have some manners after all." I joked but he only huffed. He pushed the button for the highest floor and I didn't comment. It looked like he had a destination and was intending on getting there no matter what I said, so I decided to just wait it out and see.
The elevator rose without a sound. I glanced at Cody but he only had this determined, "I'm going to war" expression on. It made me not want to mess with him at all. The elevator stopped and Cody stepped out. I found that we were at the top of the hotel, by a pool. It was large and the view was great. To my surprise it was empty too. Cody walked on the edge of the space and climbed on top of a stone railing. For a moment I was scared that he was going to jump, but then he only swung his legs on the other side and sat down. I sighed quietly with relief. I felt stupid a second later. Cody wasn't that sort of guy.
My phone made a sound in my pocket and I fished it out.
"Is he alright? -J" a short text said. I looked over at Cody who was looking at his legs swinging over the edge.
"Im not sure tbh Give him time." I answered and then put my on mute. I had a feeling we needed some time alone. I stuffed the phone to my pocket and walked towards Cody. He was still sitting on the railing and made no indication that he wanted me to be there. Or didn't want in that matter. I took it as an encouraging sign and climbed to sit next to him.
The place wasn't that bad. It had a great view across the city, the Thames in front of us. The water looked bright, some ships sailing slowly forward.
"I wanted to own a boat when I was small. I saw a program about a family that just sold everything and just sailed around the world. How cool would that be?" I said but Cody remained silent.
"Easier than all of this." I continued but he did nothing.
"Or then owning a plane. And traveling with that. Cool too." I went on.
"Or a car, works too-"
"D'you think that we could just walk away? From everything?" he suddenly spoke. He did interrupt me, but I thought it was good that he was talking. The cool and cold version of the warm and happy Cody I knew was freaking me out.
"Of what?"
"The bizz. The fame, music, performances, the everything. D'you think we could do it?" he asked and turned to look at me. The question was genuine in his eyes and he looked like he really was serious.
"Would you want to?" I asked. He paused and turned to look at the water again.
"Well you said it: buying a boat and just sailing. We'd have the money for it." he said and ran a hair through his hair.
"Is that what you want?" I asked again. " because if it is, that can be arranged. You could go and study and get a job at a hospital or tax office and live on. " I said and watched his face. He looked serious, lines appearing between his eyebrows.
"I don't think you do." I said and turned to look at the water too. I saw how his eyes turned to look at me.
"Why's that?"
"You love it too much. Just like I do, like Justin does like everyone does. Why do you think we are here then?"
He paused again and took a breath in.
"I don't know. It's too complicated for me. Too… Mixed up, too shitty."
"Of course it is. You are adored by thousands of people. They try to find out everything about you, where you were born, did it rain that day, what's your favorite chocolate, if you like zebras. Most people only have one or two that kind of people during their whole lifetime. And then you end up knowing if that person likes chocolate or if they wear red only on Thursdays and then you run on a flower field together, hand in hand. You kiss under the moonlight and say "I love you" to each other.
You talk about your worries and joys by sitting on a bed and treading your fingers through their hair and you want to understand everything and make it better.
But unlike normal people, we have thousands, maybe millions of people who say "I love you" to pictures of us on their walls and sing our songs and listen to our voices. We tell about our good and bad times by Twitter of Facebook and they like our status and write long comments on how they want to be the one to make it all good and you never even read that comment and it breaks them.
And it keep breaking them more and more and all they want is you, but you can't give that to them. So all they do, is try to get to know more about you and your passion for zebras. The more they try, the more it hurts and the more they try to fix it by trying to get to you.
So can you blame them?" I finished. I turned to look at him and he was staring at me with a wondering expression.
"Not really I guess."
"Yeah. It's not their fault. It just makes things really hard for us. You're not the only one that has thought of leaving." I said and he nodded, looking down at his feet dangling over the edge.
Silence fell over us. I looked at Cody's hand on the railing. He was squeezing the stone surface hard.
"Why didn't you leave then?" he asked after a while with a low voice. I looked up at the sky and thought about it.
"I'm not sure. First it was the love for music – and still is- but then… Me and Zayn happened. I found someone real to talk to and say I love you. And then there's family and friends and Lou Niall and Liam. They're like a family to me. Then the crew who also have to be on the road and miss home and know what we talk about. Mostly it's about leaning against the right person when times get too tough and when you just want to get that boat and sail away."
-Justin
"Justin we need to focus. Just please forget about everything else and focus on the problem in hand?" Tom almost pleaded me. I was holding my head between my hands, squeezing it a bit too tight.
"I'm sorry that I can't focus when the love of my life is maybe having an affair or what ever you might call it, or then he isn't and then I'm the bad one here and don't know how to trust him and he's jealous and I don't know why and I'm losing him and everything is fucked up, so sorry if I can't focus on some media issue." I bit out.
"Don't take this out on me, I'm only trying to help you. And don't get me wrong, I feel bad that you and Cody are having issues, but this media issue is on the scale from one to marijuana, about three million and we need to figure this out. As soon as things calm down you guys can sort out your things." Tom said, his voice a bit angry. I knew that he was right, it was obvious but I couldn't quite focus and think straight.
"Okay okay. I'll try to…to focus yea." I said and slapped my cheeks a bit.
"Good. I can't lose you right now." Tom said and nodded towards me.
"Okay so… How do we fix this?"
-Harry
We had been quiet for a while now. I could almost see the thoughts bouncing, running and colliding in Cody's head. He had a thoughtful expression, frowning, lips tight, hands squeezing the railing.
I didn't push him, I knew that he needed some time. If I had been in his place, I'd appreciate some space and quiet.
My phone vibrated and I fished it out. I saw that I had six new messages, five from Justin and one from Zayn. I opened Justin's first.
"Where r u?"
"Well if he doesn't want me to know then fine."
"Just tell him that… well idk something."
"We're trying to sort this out. We kinda need him, but no rush, just get here when u can."
"I hope he's fine."
"Was that Justin?" Cody suddenly spoke. I was slightly startled and thought about if I should lie.
"Yea. Zayn asks what I want for dinner." I replied and smiled. Cody didn't respond.
"I think I'm gonna go with chicken. I feel like chicken yeah." I thought aloud.
"What did he say?" Cody asked.
"Who? Justin?"
"Yeah."
"Just asked where we are and that they need your help. But no rush thought." I said honestly.
"Okay." he only said. I was getting quite desperate. I didn't know what to say to him and what to do. I was usually quite good at this sort of things, but I didn't know Cody or Justin that well. And I have never been in this kind of situation before. Of course I was familiar with magazines and rumors and stuff like that, but nothing quite in this scale.
"Cody… I'm going to be bluntly honest here: I don't know how to help you and believe me, I want to, really want to. But I don't think I am the best person for you right now. I will do whatever you need me to do and will try to sort this thing out, but… Is there someone else who could help you better than I can about this thing about Justin and you?"
He staid silent and took a deep breath.
"Yeah, maybe."
"Who is it?"
"I… I don't know if it's a great idea." he admitted, shaking his head.
"What do you mean?"
"Well… Me and him have… History." he said and bit his lip.
-Justin
"So just let them know, that'd be great." I said to a manager and he nodded shortly. I checked my phone but there was no messages – well not the one I wanted anyhow. Only mum asking if I was okay. I typed that I was fine.
Time has passed slowly, the sun rolling down already, making the city look magical. The Thames was covered in a small amount of white fog, making the ships sailing on it look like they were flying on clouds.
Me and Tom had done everything we thought could help. I had given a statement on what happened and given the reporters instruction on what to write. The story would be out in tomorrows papers. I wasn't looking forward to it. At all.
I checked my phone again but Harry hadn't replied. I guess he was busy. With Cody. The idea made me slightly nervous.
The whole Cody-might-have-a-thing-with-Harry was kinda ridiculous. I wasn't sure what to think of it. I didn't know if I they could actually have something going on, Harry was with Zayn and Cody with me. And in both cases, happily. Well that's what I presumed at least. But things had gone downhill very fast with me and Cody, so I guess nothing could be predicted.
I sighed again deeply and pushed the screen lock button on my phone. Still no messages.
Couple hours passed. Night had fallen and it was dark when I looked up from the papers I had been reading . They were the sketches of tomorrow's papers. As much as we tried and told the journalist what to write, this thing was still bad. Very bad.
There would have to be a lot of interviews – both live and to papers and we had to show our faces. The most important thing right now, was not to hide. We had to show them that we weren't afraid and this was no big deal. Even thought it was. And even thought I have never been this scared in my life.
Then I heard steps on the hallway outside the door. I looked just in time as the door opened. My heart sped up in exciment. Maybe Cody was back? Maybe he wanted to talk to me?
First in walked a mop of brown hair. My face fell slightly, even when I tried to hide it. Harry must have caught it, he smiled apologeticly at me. He walked over to the window next to me and leaned against it.
"He said he'd just need a bit time." Harry explained and I shrugged.
"I get that I guess." I said and looked down at the small cars rolling around the streets. " It's just hard you know?" I more to myself than to him,
"How did I get this fucked up?" I asked and pressed the heels of my hands on my forehead. I heard him huff out a sad laughter.
"Made that we. And I guess we…. fell in love." Harry said and he was right. He was surprisingly right. I first heard his words and then they hit me. I stopped writing and looked up without seeing anything.
Then the door opened again. This time in walked a messy bunch of golden hair. I dropped my pen and looked in to his blue eyes. I wanted to run and hug him, but I didn't know if that was okay. He walked over to the table with short anxious steps.
He stopped there, looking weary and on edge. I decided not to touch him right now.
"I… I heard you needed me." he said finally. I realized I had been staring at him intently, so I coughed and lowered my eyes.
"Yea yea umm.. Sit down." I said and waved vaguely towards the chair in front of me. Everything was tight and awkward and so not us. We were the easygoing, hanging in our sweatpants in the middle of the day, eating with the same spoon kind of couple. The word couple kept ringing in my head again and again, like on repeat. I shrugged it off, we could make it.
"So what's up?" Cody asked and I noted that I had been quiet for a while.
"Oh yea umm.. So here's what's going to come out tomorrow, well a sketch, you might want to read it and um.. Tom said we should get prepared for a lot of interviews and.. stuff… " I finished off lamely. It felt like the whole room was awkward, totally filled up with it.
"Okay. okay that's cool." he said and took the paper I was holding out for him. He read it through quickly.
"Yea that's good." he said and nodded. I nodded back, too many times and all I could think was awkward.
Silence fell and then stretched. I glanced at Harry and he looked as unease as I was feeling.
"Yeah so…" Harry said and ran a hand through his hair.
"Yeah…" I answered. Cody was determingly looking at the paper in his hand, even though he must have read it around four times already in this time.
"I'll just nick to the toilet." Cody finally said and almost jumped up. When he was gone I glanced at Harry. He shrugged and was looking after Cody.
"God dammed. "I cursed silently. I felt like I could really use a break. Well that was an understatement, I felt like the room was caving in and I needed to get out now. I got up and said something about stretching my legs. Harry nodded.
I walked out the door and was right away yanked from my collar and pushed against the wall. My head and back hit it painfully.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" someone was shouting. I had closed my eyes because of the pain and quickly opened them again.
"Not you again." I sighed and closed my eyes again.
"Oh hell yes it's me again. It seems that you can't manage two second without me before you go and screw things up again!" Evert yelled at me. A guest of the hotel walked past us and eyed us angrily.
"Come." Evert only said and yanked me from my hand. I yelped but didn't have any time to react of pull away or anything, before I was pushed in to a room. It was dark before the lights were turned on.
The room was around two meters by three meters and it looked like some abounded closet or cleaning cabinet.
"Evert!" I shouted and turned around.
"What?" he yelled back.
"Stop manhandling me everywhere I'm not a kid!" I yelled and I knew it sounded pathetic.
"Then if you're not a kid, would you mind telling me how the hell you got yourself in to a mess the size of an universe?" he bit out and shook my head.
"I don't know." I said silent.
"What was that?" he yelled.
"I don't know!" I yelled and covered my ears.
"Well you damn well should."
"I… I don't know! Selena was back and Cody started acting odd about her and the he and Harry fought and I don't know why and there was all blood and yelled at Selena and I don't know!" I yelled and my voice broke. I slid down the wall to the floor and held my head in my hands. I heard Evert sigh and walk next to me. He sat down and staid quiet.
"I just want to help you." he said after a second.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
"I know." I said and meant it. After all the shit that had gone down with me and him, it only made me know him better than anyone else. I knew what he was like and what was under that sarcastic and cocky side of him. He only wanted to help.