Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jim lived by the notion that it was always easier to hate someone than it was to love them. He had grown up with that idea.

It wasn’t easy for Jim to love George Kirk when the man had died twelve seconds before Jim’d been born. It wasn’t easy for Jim to love a shadow of a person who once lived in greatness only to be cut down in the prime of his life. It wasn’t easy for Jim to love him. But it was easy to hate his father for abandoning his family, even if it was for the greater good.

It wasn’t easy to love Winona Kirk when she was so often disappearing throughout Jim’s life. It wasn’t easy to love a mother who was never there, even if she thought she was doing right by her family. It wasn’t easy to love her when she chose the stars over her two young sons. It was easy to hate her for leaving when he needed her most.

It wasn’t easy to love his stepfather. He was cruel, abusive, controlling. In fact, it was so easy to hate Frank that Jim wondered if he had ever loved him.

It wasn’t easy for Jim to love his brother Sam. It wasn’t easy to love him when his brother had taken off and completely left Jim behind to fend for himself. It was not easy to love a sibling who didn’t seem to care about him. It was easy to hate Sam for giving up on Jim.

And then there was Spock.

Spock was the easiest to hate, because he hated Jim right back. From the moment they had laid eyes on each other in his academic hearing, they were at odds.

Jim hated Spock for what he thought were unfair charges of academic misconduct. Jim hadn’t cheated. No. He’d just given himself a way to win. Jim hated Spock for bringing up his father. He hated Spock for being a total dick to him in front of the entire student body. Jim hated the stupid Vulcan for trying to strangle him. He hated Spock for ditching him on Delta fucking Vega. He hated him he hated him he hated him.

But he also kind of loved him. It was difficult to love an alien who once had a penchant for killing you, but Spock made it easier. He loved Spock for coming back to the Enterprise. He loved Spock for agreeing to be his First Officer. He loved him for his brilliant mind. He loved him for his wit and his stupid pointed ears. He loved him for his eyebrows and the way his cheeks turned green whenever Jim kissed him. Jim loved Spock for his (sometimes) unwanted opinions. He loved Spock for coming to him when he was dying. Jim loved Spock for saving his silver lady. He loved Spock for defeating Khan and being there when he woke up from death. He loved Spock for their chess nights and the way the Vulcan curled his hand around Jim’s shoulder while they slept in the same bed. He loved Spock for being a child of two worlds because no one had ever loved him for that before.

So, yeah. It was easier to hate Spock than it was to love him. But Jim loved him anyway, and that was more than worth it.