Archive of Our Own ^beta

"So, how was it?"

"Huh?"

Peter Parker, bless his soul, walked into Tony Stark's expensive kitchen (wait, does he have more than one kitchen?) with a red face, wide smile and a dreamy look on his face.

He did not count, however, on the Avengers (THE freaking Avengers!) asking him about his first time at 8am on a Saturday.

'It's too early for this...' thought Peter, covering his face with his hands.

He was about to reply to Natasha (BLACK WIDOW'S!!) question, when a certain red-suited mercenary came crashing directly through the glass window.

Said red-suited mercenary was carrying a bouquet of roses and was seemingly distracted by blowing away a bee, as he proclaimed, "Hey Pete, look I know it got weird last night, but I just came here to say sorry; I had no idea you were allergic to that brand of lube, not that your body swelling up isn't a total turn on, but I promise I'll be more careful next time. Maybe. Oh, and while we're here, maybe we can-WILL YOU FUCKING POLLINATE YOUR STRIPY ASS ON ANOTHER SHITTY 3-DOLLAR BOUQUET?!?!!"

Deadpool whipped out a gun and shot at the bee, making several holes in Tony's kitchen wall in the process.

"MY WALL!!!"

Deadpool looked around to the sound of the shout, seemingly only just realising he had an audience.

Of Peter's entire family.

His family which consisted of a rich billionaire with an iron suit, an 70-something-year-old super soldier, two assassins, a badass A.I., a God of Lightning, and a Hulk.

Shit.

Peter let out a strangled noise that sounded like, "Wade!", grabbing his boyfriend by the arm and dragging him away with a mixture of love, lust and annoyance bubbling away in his system.

Which wasn't that different from normal, but still.

Meanwhile, as the sounds of Peter lecturing Deadpool got fainter, the Avengers looked at each other with identical looks of murder.

"Okay, so, who gets to do the 'assertive dad talk'?" asked Bucky.

"Me, obviously!" said Tony.

"I highly object to that!" replied Steve.

Bucky shook his head. "Look, why don't I..."

"NO!"

Nat rolled her eyes and stood up, marching towards the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" asked Tony.

Nat smirked and said, "Clearly, you guys have never had the 'assertive mom talk'."

Without another word, she turned and marched down the corridor, boot heels clacking on the marble floor.

The guys exchanged looks and nodded in agreement.

"He's dead."

Bonus:

"Really, Wade? I'm sorry you're allergic to lube?! Are you kidding?!??"

"Oh what? Do you want me to rip your ass in half? (I mean if you're into that kind of thing...)".

"WADE!!!"