Archive of Our Own ^beta

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[JK: “actually I think the lesson has been that we shouldn’t have secrets”]

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Over a year later
[Namjoon POV]

Namjoon set his phone down with his mood considerably dampened. He could see Seokjin glance at him with concern from where he stood cutting tiny tomatoes into even tinier pieces.

It had been a year since the incident that had shaken the foundations of their little close-knit group. The hurt had faded with time, but the one thing that stuck clear in everybody’s minds was the image of Yoongi lying pale on a hospital bed and of the faded light in his eyes never really returning.

For Namjoon, the fear that gripped him when he heard his friend’s slurred and terrified voice over the phone still returned to him in nightmares at times.

Yoongi had really loved Hoseok with all of his heart.

A small, treacherous slither of Namjoon’s mind – one that he kept carefully buried deep deep down – that small slither did blame Hoseok for the pain caused to someone he cared about as much as his own family.

The larger, logical part knew that it was just as cruel a fate to wish for them to have stayed in a decaying relationship where they would slowly hurt each other, and slowly lose themselves.

Were they really ready to try again? Should they, even?

Hoseok had grown a lot over the year. He respected himself more; he’d focussed on himself and on dance. He hadn’t dated anybody else, neither of them had.

Yoongi... was complicated.

He insisted he was fine, would laugh and joke with everybody happily. He told Namjoon each time he asked that he was content with simply being Hoseok’s friend.

But he hadn’t been able to say ‘I love you’ to him just now.

Not because he didn’t, but because he still did and it still hurt.

“You’re thinking so loudly. What’s wrong?” Seokjin set down the tray of food, and made his way over.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Namjoon answered too quickly. “I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?”

His boyfriend stared into his eyes, and Namjoon could physically feel the gaze as it easily toppled his defences.

“Just say the word and the party’s off.” He said softy.

“No way, you’ve worked so hard for this!”

“It’s all for you. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“It’s... it’s not the party I’m worried about.”

“So there is something?”

Namjoon nodded wordlessly.

Seokjin simply waited patiently, and placed his hands over Namjoon’s where they lay clenched in his lap.

“Hoseok said he wants to ask Yoongi to try again. I’m... I guess I’m just worried that Yoongi will rush into it without thinking and... and he’ll get hurt again.”

“It wasn’t just Yoongi who was hurt last time, Joon. I know he didn’t talk to you about it but Hoseok was in a pretty bad place last year and the relationship just made it worse. It was...”

“Do you think we should stop them? What if they’re destined to keep hurting eachother?”

“Do you?”

Namjoon considered this for a moment.

He knew that it wasn’t their place. Yoongi and Hoseok were adults, and they could make their own choices... Their own mistakes.

But there were two ways this could go. They got back together, they’d had the time they needed to think about their issues and they started a wonderful healthy relationship. Or, Yoongi clung to Hoseok and used him as a coping mechanism and reason d’être all in one yet again – crashing hard when Hoseok walked away.

“No.” He answered.

Because option one... that was the good ending. He’d already found his, and he could think of few people who deserved to find theirs more than Yoongi and Hoseok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon found himself hid away in the kitchen within minutes of the party’s official start. Only a few people had trickled in but he was not drunk enough to socialize without Seokjin as a buffer and he was in the bathroom.

He wouldn’t be happy about Namjoon leaving their guests stood around with no host but he would just have to deal with it.

There was the sound of the door opening and slamming shut just that bit too loud the way it always did when someone unfamiliar with its broken door closer entered.

“Namjoon!” A voice called out.

That was Yoongi. Strange. He used to live in this apartment; he knew not to slam the door like that.

“There you are.”

Yoongi rounded the corner from the living room and smiled with relief when he found Namjoon.

“Hi, I’m hiding.” Namjoon explained with a laugh. “But don’t tell Seokjin cause he’-”

His sentence came to an abrupt stop as he ignored it in favour of focussing on the more pressing matter.

A man had followed Yoongi into the room, and was clinging onto his arm and giggling.

Namjoon heard the door open and close again, softly this time.

“Oh, yeah, uh, this is Hyun-woo.” Yoongi introduced.

Then he giggled. Actually giggled. And leant up to kiss the other man on the lips.

Any illusion Namjoon may have had that this was not what it looked like was shattered.

Of course, by some fiendishly complex divine plan, Hoseok had chosen this moment to round the corner.

Time seemed to freeze around them for a moment. The voices from the party that were filtering down the corridor faded out. Namjoon stared past the couple in the doorway and locked eyes with Hoseok.

He hadn’t been lying, he did look amazing. He was wearing a white shirt with the top couple of buttons undone, and tight black pants – his dark hair was curled and parted in a way that perfectly suited his face. His expression was completely blank and impassive, but Namjoon could see something else in his eyes.

A moment later the strange look was gone, replaced with a blinding smile as Yoongi noticed the obvious shift in atmosphere and turned around.

“Hey, you guys starting a second party in the kitchen for the cool kids?” Hoseok asked, with what could have passed as a convincing laugh to anyone who didn’t know him as well as they did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The party was slowly drawing to a close.

Almost everyone but the seven of them had already left, and those that remained were at varying levels of sobriety.

In many ways it had been a great success, the celebration it was meant to be.

Hoseok’s facade hadn’t faltered for even a moment, and he had been thoroughly charming and entertaining.

This disturbed Namjoon rather more than if he’d broken down, or stormed out.

And then there was the matter of Yoongi. The man currently straddling his new boyfriend on the sofa was a completely different person.

Seokjin was slowly ushering the last few guests out of the door, and seemed at a loss as to what to do with Hyun-woo. They would have to extract him out from under Yoongi if they wanted to get him to leave, and that wasn’t exactly an achievable feat.

Taehyung was sat next to an utterly drunk Jimin and Jungkook looking bored. It was really no fun to be almost sober while your best friends were discussing how they were going to steal the silverware in conspicuous stage whispers.

However, Hoseok was nowhere to be seen. Namjoon slowly wandered in the direction of the kitchen, perhaps he was getting another drink?

On the way, he passed by the glass doors that led to their small balcony and spotted a figure leaning on the rails and looking out at the night-time city.

After only a moment’s hesitation, he joined him.

“Stargazing?” He asked tentatively.

Hoseok shook his head gently.

“You can’t see the stars over the city. Too much light pollution.” He answered dismissively.

“Well the moon looks nice tonight.”

The other man was silent, not even turning to face Namjoon.

A long time passed like this, and Namjoon stepped forward to lean on the railing next to him – catching a glimpse of a tear-streaked face.

“Can you leave me alone?” Hoseok asked.

“I’d rather not.”

Another long moment of silence.

“It doesn’t end well, does it?” Hoseok said.

“What doesn’t?”

“Me and Yoongi. Our story... It’s not meant to have a happy ending.”

“What does he mean to you?” Namjoon asked, avoiding Hoseok’s question.

The other man considered this for a while, staring out at the skyline.

“I’m not sure. I know I love him, still. Sometimes I wish we could start again completely – no history. And sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it for just one person. Yoongi always says there’s no such thing as destiny. Love isn’t fate, it’s chemicals. Love grows through shared experiences, shared lives. I could love someone else as deeply as I love him – I would have, had I never met him.”

“Maybe. Probably, even. That doesn’t change the way you feel now. Just... just answer me... Would he make you happy?”

Hoseok closed his eyes.

“More than anything.” He whispered. Then, in a louder voice, his eyes open again. “But it’s too late for that. He’s moved on, and I should too. I was so self-obsessed – really thinking that losing someone like me could break him... can you leave me alone now, please?”

“What will you do if I go?”

“What do you -?” Hoseok’s eyes widened in realisation. “I just need some air.” He said hurriedly. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Namjoon spared him one more solemn look, and left him out in the dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hoseok POV]

The balcony doors swung open a few minutes after Namjoon had left.

“I said I’ll be back, just leave me alone Namjoon.” He snapped irritably.

“It’s me.” A voice responded.

Hoseok turned around to see Yoongi framed by the apartment light.

“What do you want?” Hoseok asked coldly. He wasn’t sure why, Yoongi hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I don’t know.” Yoongi replied, catching Hoseok off guard. “What do you want?”

Hoseok frowned at him for a moment, as Yoongi walked up confidently to stand beside him and stare out at the view.

Taking a deep breath, Hoseok turned as well.

They stayed that way, looking out into the darkness, barely acknowledging the other’s presence.

“I lied.” Yoongi spoke suddenly.

“Huh?” Hoseok tilted his head to look at him, and really looked at him for the first time in over a year.

He was beautiful.

“I lied.” Yoongi repeated. “I do know what I want.”

He smiled sadly, and looked out once more.

The sun started to rise.