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Chapter Text

Wilhelm wasn’t really sure what had caused him to ask the question. Sitting next to each other in class and exchanging a few secretive, yet strangely understanding gazes here and there didn’t automatically make you friends. Frankly, he didn’t even know Simon that well - definitely not well enough to ask this, but here he was, anyways. 

Simon seemed equally as surprised by the question and glanced over his shoulder before pointing towards his chest, asking: “Me? You’re asking me?”

“Yeah, I-” Wilhelm cut himself off, feeling awfully self conscious because of the reaction. “I mean, if you don’t mind? I… I thought that maybe it would be fun.”

“Wille!” A too familiar voice exclaimed from behind him and next thing he knew, August was sliding in next to him and slinging one arm around his shoulder casually. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was, but the way the nickname sounded coming from August’s mouth was just… off. Maybe because it suggested a sense of closeness that he didn’t feel. “I’ve just talked to Vincent and Nisse, and they’re willing to make an exception this one time. So you’re staying in our room. Isn’t that cool? Staying with the third year students, huh?”

Wilhelm was trying his best to decipher the small hints of something that showed on Simon’s face, while carefully squirming out of the grip. “Uhm, yeah, I,” he stuttered out. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that both Vincent and Nils were watching the scene and it made his heart beat a little faster. The three of them would never understand why Wilhelm had just asked Simon if he’d maybe like to share a room, because frankly, Wilhelm didn’t even understand it himself. All he understood was just that he… had wanted to. “I think I can’t. Sorry.”

August looked at him as if he’d just told him that the earth was flat. “What do you mean?”

“That, uh… I think Simon and I are sharing a room. Ri-Right?” He managed to ask. 

All around them, chaos had broken loose. The sort of chaos that inevitably breaks loose when you ask a bunch of teenagers to get together in groups of fours for the camp's sleeping arrangements. And you’d think that being out here in the middle of the woods for three whole days, connecting to nature, would make even Hillerska-students calm a bit down, but no. 

The question hung in the air a little too long for his liking, but then the corner of Simon’s mouth twitched into a careful smile as he said: “We are.”

Dramatically, August sighed. This was partly why Wilhelm was having a hard time being friends with August. He always made sure to let everyone know that only the finest families were good enough for him, and it was a quality that Wilhelm really despised. What Erik and August had in common, why they were so close, was hard to understand - but right now, he really couldn’t think about that, because Simon had just accepted his request and was now smiling this cutest, little smile. 

“Alright, I gotta go tell Nisse then,” August said in dragged out words. 

“Tell him what?”

“That his bed is taken by Simon, since you insist on babysitting the socialist,” he explained. 

“Babysitting? Really?” Simon asked, crossing his arms. “You know that Wille and I are the same age, right?”

“That’s about the only thing you’ve got in common then.”

The ironic smirk August gave Simon clearly showed his annoyance with the situation, but nonetheless he backed a few steps away, before turning towards his friends. 

Wilhelm hadn’t even noticed before now that he had been holding onto a breath, but the second August was out of earshot, he let go of it. His hands came up to whip a few strands of hair out of his face and maybe hide the fact that his body was reacting to the situation. Which he honestly still didn’t really understand. 

“Why on earth are you friends with him?” Simon asked, glaring at the discussion now happening between August and Nils a few meters away. “He is the biggest asshole on this planet.”

“I know, I just… Don’t know how to tell him off,” Wilhelm admitted. 

It had Simon’s eyes turn towards him to carefully roam his face, as if searching for something. His whole body felt a thousand times lighter when Simon looked at him like that, and to keep himself grounded, he fiddled with the edge of his T-shirt. It was a particularly sunny day, and it was making Simon’s golden brown skin glow softly, the smoothness of it daring Wilhelm not to stare. So far he was failing miserably. 

“Well, maybe you should work on that,” Simon said. “Because now I’m stuck sleeping in the same room as someone who absolutely hates me for three nights.”

“Listen, you don’t, uhm… you don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Wilhelm said, shaking his head. “It’s really fine if you’d prefer to share with some other people. I would understand.”

Simon dragged out the moment. It was always impossible to tell what was going on inside that boy’s head, he always controlled his features carefully and only showed glimpses of appreciation, of hurt, of whatever he was feeling. Something Wilhelm was finding strangely intriguing. 

Finally, he sighed softly, his plump lips parting, catching Wilhelm’s attention for a split second. “Everyone’s probably teamed up already, so I’ll just stay with you.”

“Can you pass me the crackers?” 

Felice stretched across the free seat to get to the crackers before tossing them towards Henry. “Keep them over there,” she said. 

“You don’t want any?” He asked in return, holding them up in front of his face questioningly. 

She shrugged. “Not hungry,” she let him know, while supporting her body on her arm in order to get back into a sitting position. 

The heat from the fire was just about palpable from where Wilhelm was standing a few steps behind Felice, debating whether or not to sit back down next to her. The blanket they had shared minutes ago was still half wrapped around her legs, half just lying there, waiting for him to slide back under. As he had waited outside the bathroom door a few minutes ago, he’d overheard her say to someone: You can’t sit here, this seat’s taken, which was partly why he felt bad for hesitating here a moment too long. 

But Simon was deep in a conversation with Sara, the small flames reflecting in his hair like a little dance of sparks and glitter, and all of it was drawing Wilhelm’s attention. And next to him on the cushion he’d dragged to the fire sat no one. 

Without allowing himself enough time to think this through, Wilhelm walked around the fireplace and slipped down next to Simon. The edge of the blanket the boy was sitting underneath was resting on the cushion between them. It prickled in Wilhelm’s fingers to pick it up and wiggle underneath just to be a little closer, and why the hell was he thinking that?

As expected, Felice noticed and she mouthed: what are you doing? his way, to which he half-shrugged.

When he cleared his throat, the conversation Simon and Sara were having seemed to come to a stall and though Wilhelm wasn’t at all looking, he saw the confusion that played on Simon’s face. 

“Hello,” Wilhelm said, eyes still on the flames. He could have been imagining it, but they made his face burn a lot hotter now than they had when he had sat next to Felice moments ago. 

“Hey,” Simon exhaled in his sweet, breathy voice. He nodded towards Felice. “Thought you were sitting over there.”

“Oh yeah, I was, but… uhm.” Honestly, he hadn’t realized why he’d sat down here, but the first thing to pop to his mind was just: “I wanted to check if we’re still good? You know, after what happened earlier?”

“You mean August mocking me by calling me a baby and a socialist, and you saying nothing?” 

“Yes… that thing.”

Simon pushed a breath of air out of his lungs harshly, something he often did when he wanted to say something, but was trying not to. Him making that sound was causing Wilhelm to rethink their whole relationship, because surely they weren’t close or anything, but they liked each other, didn’t they? 

Like a few days ago where Wilhelm had showed up ten minutes late to rowing practice because of an argument with his mother. He had walked in, feeling a little bewildered and off, and August had started going on about how he’d missed the tactic-meeting and that they sure as hell weren't going to explain it all again.

Maybe his shoulders had sunken too obviously upon hearing those words right after the argument, because Simon had gestured for Wilhelm to come sit down next to him. Something so soft had been on his features as he had leaned in and whispered, secretively and with that little sparkle in his eye: “Don’t worry, I’ll explain it all later. And it’s not rocket science.”

One thing that was, however, rocket science, was trying to understand Simon, because now he turned his gaze towards the flames and said: “It’s not like I care about what August thinks. It just pisses me off that he gets away with acting that way.”

“I know, I should have said something, I was just…. caught off guard,” Wilhelm admitted. Someone had just pulled out a guitar and now the sound of it being tuned filled the dark September evening surrounding them, while people chattered about which songs to sing. No one was paying any attention to the conversation happening between Simon and Wilhelm, besides maybe Sara who was half-talking to Stella and Fredrika and half just sitting there in silence. “And then I tried to say something later, but it was hard, because the moment had passed and I didn’t know how to say it.”

Simon side eyed him. “Hope you haven’t been thinking about that all day,” he said. 

It made Wilhelm realize that he had, in fact, been thinking about it more or less all day. He didn’t want to be the sort of person who would just accept others to treat his friends poorly, he wanted to be the sort of person who spoke up when something like that happened. For sure Erik would have said something, he always defended people, but for some reason it was so hard doing things as graciously perfect as Erik did them. 

“Well, I have.” He had no idea why he’d admit to that. He wanted to add something more, maybe say that he didn’t agree with August’s opinions, but before he managed to speak, everyone had started singing. It took only a second for Wilhelm to recognize the Hillerska-song; he knew it by heart, he remembered having listened to Erik play it on the piano probably a hundred times. 

Still, his head was somewhere else. Especially as Simon started singing, his beautiful voice curling around the words as if their only purpose of existing was for Simon to sing them.

The nostalgia from the song and the angelic lightness of Simon’s voice formed a tight knot somewhere beneath Wilhelm’s sternum, and he couldn’t pinpoint why he was this emotional today, he just was. 

Simon’s hands were hidden underneath the blanket that was sprawled out over his lap. Good thing Simon always sang with his eyes closed so he couldn’t see the way Wilhelm’s gaze roamed him, taking in the way those lips came together and parted around each word, the way his back was straight, allowing easier access for the change of air. 

He really didn’t mean to disturb the moment, but the urge to scoop closer hit him so hard that he couldn’t resist. He twisted the edge of the blanket between two fingers, then whispered: “Would it be okay, if I…”

The way he lifted the blanket seemed to convey his point to Simon, who was trying to catch up with the lyrics of the song. But clearly it was hard for him to do while adjusting the blanket so the both of them could fit. When Wilhelm moved himself even closer, pressing his leg determinedly against Simon’s just to feel the warmth of him, the song seemed to die altogether on Simon’s lips. 

“Was getting a little cold,” Wilhelm said. “I forgot to bring a proper warm sweater.”

“I think I packed two, actually,” Simon let him know. He moved his leg, pressing it further into Wilhelm’s and it made a million thoughts race through Wilhelm’s head. 

See, the thing was that Wilhelm knew about Simon being gay. When it came to himself, though, it was all a chaos of thoughts and emotions, and the only thing he knew for sure was that lately he’d found his heart reacting in strange ways around Simon. He definitely wouldn’t go as far as to say that he had a crush on him, because that would also involve him admitting to liking boys. But whenever he was near Simon, a blur of adrenaline was making him do things he’d never done before, and a few times now he’d caught himself thinking: Am I flirting with Simon right now? 

And Wilhelm could only imagine that the very same thought was on Simon’s mind from time to time.

The first time it happened was about three weeks ago. During lunch break, Wilhelm had gone to the library to turn in a book when he’d noticed Simon on his tiptoes, reaching for the top shelf of a bookcase, stretching his body so the tan skin on his hip bone showed. Wilhelm, stunned for a moment, had just watched from the sideline, until it was clear that Simon wasn’t going to reach that certain book. 

“Need help?” He had asked with a careful smile. He hadn’t even waited for an answer, before he had confidently walked closer and brushed the side of his body against Simon’s in order to reach for the book.

“We’re the same height,” Simon had said, to which Wilhelm had replied: “We’re so not.” They had exchanged a few more teasing comments, had both smiled shyly at each other while Wilhelm had fiddled for the edge of the book. 

Once he had gotten it, he had pressed the cover of it against Simon’s chest and leaned, if possible, even closer. “See?” He had asked. “Good thing you have me, huh?” 

It wasn’t just the words, but also something about the look he had given Simon and the proximity of it all that had felt flirtatious. 

“I mean, if you want to borrow one?”

The warmth from Simon’s small, slim body had momentarily made Wilhelm forget that he was mid-conversation. Simon’s words pulled him back to the situation.

“Oh, uh,” he stuttered as a response, not sure what to think of it. He could only imagine what August would say if he walked around wearing Simon’s sweater. Despite that, he breathed out a soft: “Yeah, actually that’s - that’s sweet of you.”

In the background, the others were singing the last verse of the song. Wilhelm’s favorite sentence embraced the moment they were suddenly caught in: … if only you dared to watch, I’d dare to grow... He and Erik had tried harmonizing that verse over the summer holiday right after Erik’s first year at Hillerska, and Wilhelm had always been certain of one thing: Erik was his ‘watcher’. 

But as he sat here by the fire now, the pleasant feeling of Simon’s eyes on him was making him think that maybe it was possible to have more than one ‘watcher’.

Then he ripped his eyes away and cleared his throat, saying: “Have you, uhm… have you had a marshmallow yet?”

Simon stirred. “No, not yet.”

“I’ll make one for you, then.”

Whether that was just an excuse to do what he did next was unclear to him. But the bag of marshmallows was placed in front of Sara and in order to get to it… well. Wilhelm leaned over Simon and placed a sprawled out hand on Simon’s thigh to support his body's weight as he reached for the bag. He couldn’t help but dig his fingers slightly into the thick material of the checked pants Simon was wearing. His little finger was definitely too far up the thigh to be considered 'just friendly', and anyone could turn to look right now. Even though it was dark and his hand was hidden underneath the blanket, maybe they would know .

Wilhelm’s cheeks were turning dark red from touching Simon somewhere so… private. And god, his mind was wandering instantly, making him want to slide the hand up even further, so he hurried to grab the bag and lean back again. 

Confusion was clearly showing on Simon's usually unreadable face. It was twitching across his forehead, but Wilhelm couldn’t bring himself to remove the hand. So he straightened his back again and stared right into those dark-brown eyes while moving his thumb in a shaky caress that none of them would have probably noticed if it hadn’t been for the breathtaking intensity of the moment. Not only was the action shivering down Wilhelm’s spine, but it was also making the hints of confusion on Simon’s face turn softer. There was no doubt, and Wilhelm sensed that the both of them knew: He was flirting with Simon right now. Full on flirting. 

“Get up, Wille.” 

Those words, along with a big hand on his shoulder, made Wilhelm’s body flinch, and he yanked his hand away from Simon’s thigh as if his life depended on it. To be sure that he wasn’t being suspicious in any way, he adjusted his body so it slipped out from underneath the blanket and stared up at the owner of the voice. 

“What?”

“August sent me to go get you,” Vincent explained. He threw his head towards the woods. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Wilhelm wanted to know. 

“Look, I can’t explain it to you yet.”

The song had ended by now and he sensed that other people were listening in on their conversation. Which was why he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Maybe it was stupid what he did next, though.

“Simon, you wanna come too?” He asked recklessly.

“Nonono, Simon, you can’t come,” Vincent hurried to add, holding one hand up in a warding manner. “Don’t think you’re part of the inner circle, just because you happen to be sleeping in our room. To be perfectly clear, we don’t like you. We don’t engage with people like you, so consider yourself lucky that we're tolerating you. Understand?” Someone started chuckling somewhere across the fireplace, while a murmur of whispers began forming. “Now, come on Wille.”

Not to draw any more attention towards the scene - and frankly to not give away what had just happened - Wilhelm sent an apologetic smile at Simon and got up. 

Wilhelm was shivering by the time they reached the main building again. Fat stripes of water were making their way down his cheeks and dripping from his jaw. His pair of pants were thrown heavily over one of his arms. He’d taken them off, because it was colder wearing them than not wearing them, and now his legs were as stiff as poles. 

“Gosh, you should have seen your face,” Vincent teased. He was covered in a thick bathrobe, as was August and Nils. Turned out that Wilhelm had been the only one not knowing about the so-called ‘Shotgun-swim’. And though August had told him multiple times on the walk back from the lake that it was an honor for Wilhelm to even be invited to this ritual, it sure didn’t feel like an honor. 

He had been pushed into the lake out of nowhere and everything had gotten wet. The darkness had swallowed him for the matter of a moment before he had suddenly remembered how to swim, and his chest had burned both from the water he had inhaled and the panic rising.

August barged through the door to their room while Wilhelm tried to tell him: “Maybe we should be quiet to not wake up-“ But it was already too late. 

“I’m gonna go grab a shower,” August announced as he flicked the light on and proceeded to loudly search through his bag to find his stuff. The room contained two sets of bunk beds, a dresser and a desk by the window. The bunk beds were lined up against one of the walls in continuation of each other, and Simon was currently underneath a duvet in one of the top bunks. 

He stirred. He had clearly been asleep, and instantly Wilhelm felt bad for having asked him to share a room in the first place. He should have predicted this. 

“Not if I get to it first,” Vincent said, throwing the content of his suitcase onto the bed beneath Simon’s. 

“There’s plenty of showers. Wille, get your things ready,” August ordered. 

But Wilhelm was still standing in the doorway, wearing only his soaking wet T-shirt and his underwear. He hesitated while trying to figure out if they’d woken up Simon. 

In a whisper, he said: “I’ll be there in a moment.”

August rolled his eyes. “Alright. But hurry up.”

Though the air inside the room was warmer than outside, Wilhelm’s body was still shaking uncontrollably as August and Vincent disappeared down the hallway. The first thing he did was turn off the light, then he stumbled towards the dresser and tried to find his towel in the bottom drawer from only the guidance of touch. 

“I’m awake now, you know,” Simon said in a sleep-drunken voice. “You can turn on the light.”

“It’s fine,” Wilhelm whispered. 

But a few muffling sounds suggested that Simon was throwing off the duvet and sitting up in the bunk bed. “Are you…” he began, but paused for a second. “Why are you soaking wet?”

The towel didn’t seem to be in the drawer, and now Wilhelm’s movements were getting a little more frantic. Apparently the gentle light from the moon was enough for Simon to see that Wilhelm’s shirt was sticking to his skin like a second layer and that his hair was shedding cold droplets of water down onto the base of his neck. 

The situation somehow hit him all at once. All the way on the walk back he had tried to keep himself together, because letting the other’s know that being pushed into the lake had scared the living hell out of him wouldn’t bring anything good. But the silence that August and Vincent had left behind in the room and the careful observant gaze coming from the top bunk had the fear dawn on him. 

At the same time, the last thing he wanted was to make a big deal out of this in front of Simon. This was literally what Simon had been trying to stay as far away from as possible, and now Wilhelm had somehow accidentally dragged him right into it. 

“It’s nothing,” he ended up saying. “We were at the lake.”

“But you’re shivering. Did you fall into the lake?”

The stupid towel was nowhere to be found, and now Wilhelm was getting frustrated. He threw the drawer shut and straightened back up, staring into the wooden surface of the dresser. “No. It was a ritual.”

“A ritual?” Simon asked. His voice had gained a little more strength. Had the room been lit up, it would have been possible to see the deep purple colors of Wilhelm’s fingers and lips - and maybe Simon was aware of that, though he couldn’t see it. There was a hint of alert to the words as he said: “Wille, is everything okay?”

“I’m fine, Simon, I’m just freezing cold because August pushed me into a pitch-black lake in the middle of the night and I can’t find my fucking towel.” And once those words were off his chest, he sighed deeply in an attempt to calm himself down again. 

He pretended not to hear Simon make his way down from the bunk bed or see him pull out a towel from his own backpack. “Here,” he said, handing it over to Wilhelm. His chest was bare, but he was wearing a loose pair of sweatpants that hung low on his hips so the curve of his bone-structure was on show. “Use mine.”

Wilhelm was too cold to refuse it, so he took it. And why would he even refuse it? The gesture was sweet and he had been wanting to get closer to Simon for weeks now, but this whole sleeping constellation was making him feel strangely guilty. “Thank you, Simon,” he whispered, drying off his wet hair. 

“One second,” Simon said. Out of the corner of his eye, Wilhelm saw Simon reach for his duvet and drag it down from the top bunk. “Let’s get you out of your wet clothes and wrapped up in this one, then you can tell me what happened.”

“We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.”

“You’re clearly not fine, you don’t have to pretend you are. I know I wouldn’t be fine if I had just-“

“Simon,” Wilhelm interrupted. "Stop, okay?" Then the guilt instantly surfaced again, and though the moonlight wasn’t enough to make out the expression on Simon’s face, he could imagine exactly what it would look like. And it made him whisper a careful: “Sorry.”

“I get it. You don’t want my help. I’ll go back to bed again.”

He began turning around, but before he managed, Wilhelm changed his mind. “Wait,” he said while reaching for Simon’s wrist. “Sorry, I… I’m just a little edgy because of the cold, that’s all. I really do want your help” 

“Okay,” Simon breathed out.

“You’re right, I should probably get out of this.” Wilhelm gestured for the soaked T-shirt and before overthinking this, he pulled it off and searched the room for somewhere to put it. The only place that seemed appropriate was the chair by the desk, and he hung both the shirt and the heavy pair of pants over its backrest. 

When he turned around to face Simon, his back pointing towards the window, a single moonbeam managed to light up the outline of a smile that landed on Simon’s face. A few curls were pointing in the wrong direction as he slowly walked closer with the duvet between his hands, but all it did was make him appear more gentle. 

None of them seemed to bring up the fact that Wilhelm was still wearing his wet underwear. Without saying any words, Simon wrapped the duvet around Wilhelm’s body, covering him in warmth and the characteristic smell of Simon all at once.  

“Thanks,” Wilhelm mumbled while leaning backwards to sit on the edge of the desk. He was a little shorter when sitting there, so he had to crane his neck slightly to look up into those eyes. 

Simon’s hand was still holding onto the duvet. It wasn’t completely dark, but dark enough for the moment to feel honest and fragile. Then Simon slowly slid the hand inside the duvet to place a flat and very warm palm right on top of Wilhelm’s freezing cold chest. And just that small touch had his heart pick up so much pace that he for no second doubted that its demanding pounding could be felt through the thickness of his sternum. 

None of them dared speak, but their gaze held a thousand words. Simon swallowed dry as he took a small step closer, causing Wilhelm’s legs to spread further apart to allow access. 

Never before had Wilhelm felt the heat burn in his veins like this, and it was both pleasant and fucking scary all at once. This was the first time Simon had ever done something like this, before now it had always been Wilhelm giving away hints of interest, Wilhelm flirting. And that soft and warm hand on his body, it felt… god, it made him crave more. 

But Simon seemed to be waiting for a reaction and when he got none, he hesitated. The hand stirred as if he was about to retrieve it, and nope, Wilhelm couldn’t take this any longer. 

He places his hand on top of Simon’s. Staring straight at him, he let the blur of adrenaline guide their hands downwards. The heat he felt inside hadn’t quite reached the surface of his skin yet, so the touch left a trail of goosebumps down his chest and stomach. 

He had absolutely no idea what he was seeking, besides maybe an intensification of the kick of adrenaline, but he confidently pushed Simon’s hand further and further downwards until the warm palm of it was placed on top of his wet pair of underwear. And he wasn’t even hard. Maybe he was semi-hard at best, and there was no way they’d be able to do anything in here right now, but… Fuck, he had just really wanted to feel Simon’s hand there. And it felt even more exciting than he had imagined. 

Not even for the flicker of a second did his attention leave Simon’s face. He was trying his best to figure out what this damn boy was thinking, but there was nothing giving it away. Absolutely nothing. They both just stared at each other as if any reaction would completely shatter this moment into pieces, while blood started rushing a little more forcefully towards his dick. He was going to get hard from this somewhat awkward touch and extremely intense eye contact, he couldn’t stop it.

And of course that was when the door flew open and two very loud boys walked in, turning on the light and laughing about something. 

He managed to yank their hands away from his crotch before any of the two caught on to what was happening, at least he thought so. 

“Wille, you’re still in here?” August asked, surprised, to which Vincent added: “And Simon’s awake.”

Clearing his throat, Wilhelm pushed himself away from the desk and pulled the duvet off his body. “Was just about to head for the showers,” he said, handing the duvet back to Simon and picking the towel back up from the floor. Right now was not the time to try to figure out all of this. 

“What’s going on?” Vincent asked. 

“Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Anyways, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

He couldn’t get out of this room fast enough. He pulled his pajamas and a dry pair of underwear out of the bottom drawer in rushed movements, stalking past the two third year students to get to the door. The last thing he wanted was for them to see that he was getting hard, and he could feel the arousal in the pit of his stomach, threatening to make his underwear appear tighter.

He had to get this under control again. He was going to take a shower now and wash away all of this. He’d probably jerk off to the thought of Simon's touch and have a proper existential crisis in there, because what else do you do when you’ve just realized that it turns you on crazy much to be touched like that by another boy? 

Without as much as a single glance back into the room, Wilhelm pulled the door shut and hurried to get as far away as possible from all of this.