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Honest Review & Summary of Everybody FightsJulie Slonski

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Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It? Hardcover – March 30, 2021

by Kim Holderness (Author), Penn Holderness (Author)

4.8 2,099 ratings

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A USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestseller!

Learn how to fight better and end your arguments with your partner feeling closer, more loved, and better understood.

We take our cars in for oil changes. We mow our lawns and pull weeds. Why don't we do maintenance on our marriages? This relationship is the most important one we will ever have, so why not get better at it?

For the last several years, Penn and Kim Holderness of The Holderness Family have done the hard maintenance and the research to learn how to fight better. With the help of their marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, they break down their biggest (and in some cases, funniest) fights. How did a question about chicken wings turn into a bra fight (no, not a bar fight or a bra fight)? How did a roll of toilet paper lead to tears, resentment, and a stint in the guest bedroom?

With their trademark sense of humor and complete vulnerability, Penn and Kim share their 10 most common Fight Fails and how to combat them. Throughout the book, they offer scripts for how to start, continue, and successfully close hard conversations. Couples will emerge equipped to engage and understand, not do battle—and maybe laugh a little more along the way.

In Everybody Fights, couples will learn how to:

Use "magic words" for healthy conflict resolution
Address unspoken and unrealistic expectations
Banish the three Ds of unhealthy communication—distraction, denial, and delay
Carry individual baggage while helping your partner deal with theirs

Penn and Kim want you to know you're not alone. Everybody fights. Marriage is messy. Marriage is work. But marriage is worth it. Fight for it!

From the Publisher

After Reading Everybody Fights, You'll Know How To:

kim and penn holderness

Make Fights Productive

Productive conflict hones, shapes, and refines your relationship. Discover how to be intentional about talking about your fights, to improve them moving forward.

kim and penn holderness

Amend Your Secret Contracts

Secret contracts are the silent deals you make with your partner by default and through routine. Figure them out + see what needs re-distributing and evaluating.

kim and penn holderness

Harness the Power of Metacommunication

Learn how to examine how you talk to each other, so you can come up with techniques that improve your communication.

kim and penn holderness

Use Magic Words to Change a Fight's Course

Come up with choice phrases and key words that, while they don’t solve everything instantaneously, help end your misery because they illuminate a way forward.

WARNING: California’s Proposition 65

Editorial Reviews

Review

'In this reassuring debut, married couple Kim and Penn Holderness, hosts of The Holderness Family Podcast, share examples from their 'fight fails' and strategies for fighting less frequently and having a happier marriage. The Holdernesses emphasize that, while they are not trained to address serious issues like infidelity, addiction, or mental illness, they can offer tools for couples who struggle with feeling misunderstood or lack communication skills, but who are willing to learn. . . These engaging tools and conversation-based exercises for couples will provide a great starting point for strengthening communication.' -- Publishers Weekly

About the Author

Kim Holderness was born and raised in Sarasota, Florida, and was a competitive dancer (once crowned Miss Dance Florida). She went to the University of Florida, then began her career in TV journalism. Penn and Kim met in Orlando while working in local news and were married in 2005. In 2013 they left the TV business and launched a digital content company called Greenroom Communications. Part of that launch was a video called “Xmas Jammies” that went viral, and led to appearances on GMA, the Today Show, Fox News Channel, and CNN. (Apparently Xmas Jammies are bipartisan.) The Holderness Family currently lives in Raleigh with their dog, Sunny.

Penn Holderness was born in Durham, North Carolina, to a Presbyterian minister and a public school teacher. He was super into Boy Scouts, show choir, and synthesizers as a kid, so he wasn’t exactly a ladies’ man. He went to the University of Virginia, then started a two-decade career in TV journalism. Penn and Kim met in Orlando while working in local news and were married in 2005. In 2013 they left the TV business and launched a digital content company called Greenroom Communications. Part of that launch was a video called “Xmas Jammies” that went viral and led to appearances on GMA, the Today Show, Fox News Channel, and CNN. (Apparently Xmas Jammies are bipartisan.) The Holderness Family currently lives in Raleigh with their dog, Sunny.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Thomas Nelson (March 30, 2021)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0785235728
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0785235729
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14.4 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.3 x 0.98 x 9.3 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #107,378 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #215 in Family Conflict Resolution
- #254 in Conflict Management
- #783 in Marriage

Customer Reviews:
4.8 2,099 ratings

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Kim Holderness
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Kim Holderness is one-half of internet sensation The Holderness Family - known for viral parodies and skits such as XMAS Jammies, All About That Baste, and Hamilton Mask-Up. Their videos have resulted in over a billion views and 6 million followers across social media. Penn and Kim decided to write their first book, Everybody Fights: Why Not Get Better At It, after several years of just an “okay” marriage. Over the last several years, they have done the hard maintenance and the research. With the help of their marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, they break down their biggest (and in some cases, funniest) fights.
Kim was born and raised in Florida and was a competitive dancer. She went to the University of Florida, and then began her career in TV journalism. Kim loves writing recipes for her blog, going on long walks, and daydreaming about living on the beach. She lives in Raleigh, North Carolina with her husband, two kids, and dog Sunny.
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Penn Holderness
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Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.
Penn Holderness is one-half of internet sensation The Holderness Family - known for viral parodies and skits such as XMAS Jammies, All About That Baste, and Hamilton Mask-Up. Their videos have resulted in over a billion views and 6 million followers across social media. Penn and Kim decided to write their first book, Everybody Fights: Why Not Get Better At It, after several years of just an “okay” marriage. Over the last several years, they have done the hard maintenance and the research. With the help of their marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, they break down their biggest (and in some cases, funniest) fights.
Penn was born in Durham, North Carolina, to a Presbyterian minister and a public school teacher. He went to the University of Virginia, then started a two-decade career in TV journalism. Penn loves watching sports, Science Fiction books about space, and disaster movies where they have to "assemble the best in their field." He lives in Raleigh, North Carolina with his wife, two kids, and dog Sunny.
See more on the author's page

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2,099 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book provides great advice from real people. They find it relatable and easy to read with well-written topics and real-life examples. The humor is uplifting and the tone is upbeat. Readers appreciate the honest, real approach to marriage improvement and effective communication skills reinforcement. Overall, they consider it an enjoyable and practical read that is worth reading.

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Advice quality Readability Humor Authenticity Communication skills Value for money Enjoyment Ease of use

87 customers mention "Advice quality"87 positive0 negative

Customers find the book provides great advice from real people. They appreciate the honest, humorous, and serious approach to making a marriage better. The book helps readers understand the dynamics at play in their relationships and adjust their behavior. Readers appreciate the sharing of stories about marriage, life, work, kids, and challenges in their marriage. They find the content fun, educational, and endearing.

"...THIS BOOK GIVES GREAT ADVICE FROM REAL PEOPLE. What makes it so good is that Kim and Penn are so relatable...." Read more

"...worked for them- after reading it, you'll better understand the dynamics at play in your relationships, and how to adjust your behavior to have..." Read more

"...done an excellent job of explaining tools that minimize the pain of emotional fights between partners...." Read more

"...Kim and Penn are open and honest about their relationship and how a marriage coach has improved their communication and understanding when they are..." Read more

45 customers mention "Readability"45 positive0 negative

Customers find the book relatable and easy to read. The topics are well-written in humorous ways, with real-life examples in each chapter. They appreciate the practical advice and wonderful stories. Readers mention the book is lighthearted but makes them think about their fights.

"...If you are looking for a book that is an easy, quick and enjoyable read that you actually take away some usable skills from, this is the book...." Read more

"...The topics are well written in humorous and helpful ways...." Read more

"...It was an easy and accessible read. I like that they reframe fighting to be a way to increase communication and learn more about your partner...." Read more

"...The real life stories, strung together with advice makes you feel like you're having lunch with some old friends you haven't seen in awhile...." Read more

30 customers mention "Humor"30 positive0 negative

Customers find the book humorous and relatable. They find the anecdotes funny and laugh out loud. The tone is upbeat, with practical tips. Readers describe the book as endearing, well-written, and helpful.

"...this book is that both Kim and Penn's unique voices and humor come through on every page...." Read more

"...The topics are well written in humorous and helpful ways...." Read more

"It is exactly what we all needed after this past year! The same charm and humor from Penn and Kim Holderness that we have all fallen in love with..." Read more

"...It’s full of great content and well-written. I’ll be recommending this to anyone in relationship! Thank you for sharing the work with us, Hold fam!" Read more

19 customers mention "Authenticity"19 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's authenticity. They find the stories relatable and honest, with a good balance of humor and seriousness. The advice is described as true and candid, with the authors being personable and honest.

"...tell about their real life struggles and solutions are just that, real life. Nothing here feels fake or filled with just a bunch of boring research...." Read more

"...It is so honest and real. There really is no better way of saying it...." Read more

"...a bit like school reading, this is filled with great anecdotes and personality and feels a bit like summer reading...." Read more

"...I love how personable and honest they are in the audio version!..." Read more

18 customers mention "Communication skills"18 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for reinforcing good communication skills. They appreciate that the authors talk to them, not at them. The book addresses real-life topics and is open about the authors' struggles and successes.

"...The greatest thing about this book is that both Kim and Penn's unique voices and humor come through on every page...." Read more

"...I like that they reframe fighting to be a way to increase communication and learn more about your partner...." Read more

"...The real talk and showing both sides to some of their biggest fights helped me remember there is always another side to this story in my own marriage..." Read more

"...the book isn't about winning your fights, it is about using valuable communication techniques to improve your connection with the other person...." Read more

18 customers mention "Value for money"18 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's value for money. They find it relatable, informative, and a practical read. Readers describe it as a wonderful resource and enjoyable source of entertainment.

"...The outcomes are insightful and meaningful. Definitely a book worth reading!!" Read more

"...THANK YOU for reading the book yourselves, and even more impactfully, speaking from the heart when you thought of things that weren't on the page...." Read more

"...I have thoroughly enjoyed this book and have even gotten him to read it...." Read more

"...And I love their videos and this book made me smile. Keep up the good work! We love you guys and Dude Dad so much!!" Read more

17 customers mention "Enjoyment"17 positive0 negative

Customers enjoy the book. They find it entertaining and fun to read together as a couple. The book has a podcast feel, which some readers appreciate. It also introduces them to the weekly podcast that touches on similar topics.

"...If you are looking for a book that is an easy, quick and enjoyable read that you actually take away some usable skills from, this is the book...." Read more

"Everybody Fights is an enjoyable, educational and entertaining book about better ways to “fight” when dealing with conflict in relationships...." Read more

"...I took my time and enjoyed reading it over the course of a few weekends giving myself time to reflect in-between chapters...." Read more

"...It gave the book more of a Podcast feel and less like listening to someone read their book. It's very difficult to orate a self-help book...." Read more

9 customers mention "Ease of use"9 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to use and relatable. They appreciate the helpful and humorous writing style. The book is well-written and customers will apply much of its advice.

"...If you are looking for a book that is an easy, quick and enjoyable read that you actually take away some usable skills from, this is the book...." Read more

"Kim and Penn Holderness have done an excellent job of explaining tools that minimize the pain of emotional fights between partners...." Read more

"...The topics are well written in humorous and helpful ways...." Read more

"...It was an easy and accessible read. I like that they reframe fighting to be a way to increase communication and learn more about your partner...." Read more

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Top reviews from the United States

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MedinaMom
BEST Relationship Book I've Ever Read!
Reviewed in the United States on December 21, 2021
Verified Purchase

Every now and then, my husband or I will pick up a book about how to improve our relationship. We've been married 20 years and while we think we do a pretty good job at being married, we can always use some good advice. Most of the time I get about 1/3 of the way through it and I am put off by the "preaching" nature or by too much statistical or negative sounding filler. THIS BOOK GIVES GREAT ADVICE FROM REAL PEOPLE. What makes it so good is that Kim and Penn are so relatable. I suffer from anxiety and a little bit of OCD in my need for things to be "in order" and I am convinced my husband has ADHD, so the stories Kim and Penn tell about their real life struggles and solutions are just that, real life. Nothing here feels fake or filled with just a bunch of boring research. They give examples of real fights, challenges and frustrations, which seem to closely mimic my own life. There are times I've laughed out loud reading something and commented to my husband, "hey, this is totally us." If you are looking for a book that is an easy, quick and enjoyable read that you actually take away some usable skills from, this is the book. In fact, I think I will buy it on audiobook just so I can hear the stories in Kim and Penn's voices.

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Meghan Terry
Worthwhile read, whether you're married or not!
Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
I'm not even in a romantic relationship, and I still needed this book! Like many Holderness Family fans, I initially showed up for the silly videos, but what has kept me most engaged is their podcast. This book is such a natural extension of what they've been doing on their podcast for years- listening, learning, and trying to be better people. Kim and Penn's take on the universe is one that I can really relate to: they know that they are flawed on some areas, and view it as their responsibility to improve whenever possible. Their egos are both well in check, which is what allowed them to write a book like this.

They candidly outline their 10 most common marital conflicts, and they are mostly universal conflicts that many people will tend to have in many different sorts of relationships. They share all of the unflattering details, as well and then review advice that they've learned from their marriage coach about how to reframe their discussions to get to the bottom of the conflicts. I use Christopher's catchphrase "Mature people ask for what they want." about ten times a week when interacting with my teenaged children. If I can send them out in the world with only one piece of relationship advice, that would be it.

The greatest thing about this book is that both Kim and Penn's unique voices and humor come through on every page. You don't feel like you're being preached to- you just feel like you're getting great advice from a couple of close friends after drinking a few beers around a fire pit. They allow the humor to show through, even when discussing something really difficult. I laughed out loud so many times when reading this, but also had moments where I had to look up from the page and just digest some heavy truths. I am a female, but I really think that the tone of this book would be equally enjoyable for a man because of the humor. That said, don't think that this is all fluff and giggles! The techniques discussed in this book come with a dose of scientific backing, so this isn't just Kim and Penn's opinions or what worked for them- after reading it, you'll better understand the dynamics at play in your relationships, and how to adjust your behavior to have better outcomes when conflict rears its ugly head.

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95 people found this helpful

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STurner
If you fight with your partner, don't miss these tools!
Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2025
Verified Purchase
Kim and Penn Holderness have done an excellent job of explaining tools that minimize the pain of emotional fights between partners. Several examples they used reflected situations my husband and I have had. We look forward to trying these tools out. Thank you to Kim, Penn and Christopher!

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Ed Leach
Open, honest and relatable situations with helpful advice!
Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
Everybody Fights is an enjoyable, educational and entertaining book about better ways to “fight” when dealing with conflict in relationships.
The topics are well written in humorous and helpful ways. Kim and Penn are open and honest about their relationship and how a marriage coach has improved their communication and understanding when they are disagreeing
Many of the tactics are useful in any type of relationship - coworkers, family members and friends.
It’s refreshing to read a book in which the authors are not professing to be experts. Kim and Penn share what they have learned through trial and error and with the guidance of their marriage coach. Each provides their perspective of various fights in relatable and often, funny, ways. You feel their raw emotions and are drawn in to learn what happens. The outcomes are insightful and meaningful.
Definitely a book worth reading!!

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3 people found this helpful

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Amanda
Better communication is always great!
Reviewed in the United States on May 5, 2021
Verified Purchase
We're big fans of the Holderness family YouTube channel in our family and I was excited to see they had a book. It was an easy and accessible read. I like that they reframe fighting to be a way to increase communication and learn more about your partner. I think if anything I wish they had gone deeper! I've already started using some of their tips not just with my partner but my kiddo too! Better communication is always great! Now, if I could get my partner to read it....

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L
Very good!
Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2025
Verified Purchase
I just had to read this after watching this couple with the amazing race and seeing how well they treated each other! Must read for all couples!

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Laura S
I did not know I needed this...
Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021
Verified Purchase
It is exactly what we all needed after this past year! The same charm and humor from Penn and Kim Holderness that we have all fallen in love with online has now moved to book form. Marriage advice books will never be my go to read, but when I saw that Kim and Penn wrote a book, I knew I had to check it out. The real life stories, strung together with advice makes you feel like you're having lunch with some old friends you haven't seen in awhile. They do not claim to be the experts on marriage which makes the advice valid for so many couples. The real talk and showing both sides to some of their biggest fights helped me remember there is always another side to this story in my own marriage. In a time where my husband has been essentially in the same space for 365 days I think we forgot how to communicate effectively and I look forward to putting all the advice into practice for years to come.

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Amazon Customer
Loved this book
Reviewed in Canada on July 23, 2021
Verified Purchase

I loved the personal stories and the helpful checklist and the "alternative ways of responding". I will be keeping this book, and will need to make it an annual read for my husband and I.

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Amazon Customer
Great book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 14, 2021
Verified Purchase
Currently reading it but great book

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Amazon Customer
I love, love, love this book!
Reviewed in Canada on April 11, 2021
Verified Purchase
I didn't buy this book because I thought I needed to learn how to fight better with my spouse. I bought it because I really enjoy everything Kim and Penn do. Turns out I did learn a few things after all, as well as reinforcing a few things I already knew. This is a serious topic but the book was also seriously fun to read. There were quite a few "OMG, yes! That's us!" moments.

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NA
Humorous and Insightful
Reviewed in Canada on January 5, 2023
Verified Purchase
I was already a fan of the Holdernesses from their YouTube channel, so this is a slightly biased perspective. They bring their signature humour and compassion to this open and honest analysis of their relationship and how they navigate fights. I really appreciated how the key fights are shared through each of their perspectives, and found it gave me some insight into the potential mindset of my partner / friends during similar 'tension' points.

While some of techniques and approaches will be familiar if you've already done some learning / reading around communication strategies, others were new to me and quite insightful.

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Yvonne
Great read!!
Reviewed in Canada on February 14, 2022
Verified Purchase
I wish you could have written this years ago as it truly speaks volumes in how to treat one other. Would highly recommend!

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Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It? Hardcover – March 30, 2021

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After Reading Everybody Fights, You'll Know How To:

Make Fights Productive

Amend Your Secret Contracts

Harness the Power of Metacommunication

Use Magic Words to Change a Fight's Course

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5.0 out of 5 stars BEST Relationship Book I've Ever Read!

5.0 out of 5 stars Worthwhile read, whether you're married or not!

5.0 out of 5 stars If you fight with your partner, don't miss these tools!

5.0 out of 5 stars Open, honest and relatable situations with helpful advice!

4.0 out of 5 stars Better communication is always great!

5.0 out of 5 stars Very good!

5.0 out of 5 stars I did not know I needed this...

Top reviews from other countries

5.0 out of 5 stars Loved this book

5.0 out of 5 stars Great book

5.0 out of 5 stars I love, love, love this book!

5.0 out of 5 stars Humorous and Insightful

5.0 out of 5 stars Great read!!

BEST Relationship Book I've Ever Read!

Worthwhile read, whether you're married or not!

If you fight with your partner, don't miss these tools!

Open, honest and relatable situations with helpful advice!

Better communication is always great!

Very good!

I did not know I needed this...

Loved this book

Great book

I love, love, love this book!

Humorous and Insightful

Great read!!