DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I live separately, and lately, I’ve been getting the feeling that he might be avoiding me.
Normally, we spend time with each other only on weekends, at one of our homes or on a date, or both. That frequency hasn’t changed, but I feel that even when we talk normally, if I ask what he’s up to or if he has plans, he’s always quick to say he’s busy.
It feels like he’s trying to close off his calendar before I can try to ask for some of his time.
Honestly, most of the time when I’m asking, it’s just for conversation, not because I wanted to do something with him.
What should I make of this? Why does it feel like he’s trying to assert a boundary of some kind?
— Kept at Bay
DEAR KEPT AT BAY: Tell your boyfriend how you are feeling, and ask what is going on. Something has changed. You may have a feeling, but you cannot read his mind, so you expect him to keep you in the loop.
Trust your gut. If he acts like you’re delusional, stand down and observe what comes next. Let his actions guide yours.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating someone for almost two months now. Earlier this week, my date suggested going out to celebrate my 35th birthday.
It’s been a while since I’ve celebrated my birthday with a woman I’m involved with, and quite frankly, I was flattered.
My birthday came around, and my date took me to a fun restaurant with great ambience and food. When the bill came, I didn’t reach for it because I assumed she was gifting me the experience. After a while of it sitting between the two of us, she asked if I was ready to go. I replied, “Yes.” She giggled and pushed the bill toward me and said, “Well, let’s close out.” So I did.
Since we started dating, I’ve always paid, but I thought my birthday would be an exception. I tried to tell her jokingly on the ride home that I thought she was going to take care of it this time, and she asked what would make me think that. The rest of the car ride was silent.
As a man, I take joy in catering to my romantic partner, but when am I allowed to expect the same?
— Birthday Treatment
DEAR BIRTHDAY TREATMENT: You were not wrong to believe that your date was going to pay for the birthday dinner. Now you know you need to establish a bit of clarity.
Yes, it will likely be an awkward conversation, but you can do it. Forget the jokes and tell her you have something serious you want to discuss with her. Tell her how happy you were when she offered to take you out for your birthday; it touched you. Naturally, you expected that since it was her invitation, she was footing the bill.
If she then says that you always pay the bill, you can acknowledge that and even say that you are somewhat old-fashioned, so you are accustomed to paying. However, if someone clearly invites you to do something, it is understood that they are paying for it unless it is otherwise stated.
Further still, in a relationship — which I would argue you two are in at two months — the expectation should not be that you pay for everything. Since you haven’t established that, now is the time.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
