10 movie tie-ins that nobody wanted

Obviously nothing endorses the movie's anti-consumerism message quite like a cynical cash-milking tie-in. And with nary a supersonic incendiary punch in sight, the spectacle of nondescript (with the exception of Bob and his magnificent bitch tits) blue/white collar workers subjecting each other to reciprocal violence never felt inherently suited for a gaming translation. To paraphrase Tyler Durden: "This movie tie-in is just more shit we don't need."

Without doubt one of the most baffling movie tie-ins ever made. Based on Paul McCartney's 1984 movie flop, in which Paul McCartney self-indulgently plays Paul McCartney as he searches for some missing Paul McCartney master tapes (yes, it's as terrible as it sounds), the game was a Commodore 64 and Spectrum oddity that appealed to no one besides Paul McCartney. First rule of making movie tie-ins: if the film bombs, don't bother.

This is exactly what we're talking about. A film like Little Nicky is 90 minutes of entertainment. Nothing more. We watch and we move on to the next dumb-for-fun comedy that's doing the rounds. It's just not the kind of film we invest much time in. We don't sit around waiting for the 2D side-scrolling platformer to come along. Even if it does turn out to feature the only instance we can recall of a pixellated lady stripping down to her brassier on the GameBoy Color.

Everyone loves Spielberg's flick from 1975 about the hungry fish that loved to chew on swimmers, right? Well hello 30 years later and a movie tie-in that absolutely nobody was waiting for. Apart from maybe sharks. Did publisher Majesco not notice that the consumer feeding frenzy around the Jaws licence died around the same time as disco? We'd suggest that tie-ins should at least be released in the same decade as the film to really maximise those sales.

Holy Virgin Mary. Is nothing sacred? One of cinema's most epic, tightly-woven and sophisticated pieces of work given the game treatment courtesy of EA. It's like Nickleodeon having a crack at Tolstoy's War and Peace. Sure, if you asked gamers to list their favourite films, The Godfather would frequently crop up, but were any of them desperate to see it make the jump to derivative game form? Director Francis Ford Coppola described it as "a misuse of film." And despite thinking the game is decent enough, we'd have to agree with him.

Perhaps publisher Wizard should have been applauded for trying to buck-the-trend in 1982 when it decided to release the adult-targeted pile of blocks known as Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the Atari 2600. But, honestly, what kind of sick-minded psychopath would come away from watching Tobe Hooper's disturbing slice of family life in Dixie with a twisted desire to take on the role of Leatherface in a game? We don't know, but we'd check their wardrobe for skin-suits before accepting any dinner invitations.

Film students, movie buffs and Japanophiles love stroking themselves over Akira Kurosawa's 1954 epic. But just because a film is cherished by many and widely regarded as one of the most influential pictures in cinema history doesn't mean turning it into a game is a good idea. In fact, it's a horrible idea. Absolutely nothing precious can come from fiddling with the classics. Rear Window, The Third Man, On The Waterfront... all immense movies. Would we want to play game versions? Don't be silly.

That silly old Quentin Tarantino - he left out lots of bits from his film. Who makes a movie about a heist and then forgets to put in the heist? What an airhead! Thankfully, 14 years after the film, Eidos decided to do fill in those annoying storyline blanks with a brilliantly mediocre third-person shooter. It really was exactly what all Reservoir Dogs fans had been waiting for. And we're sure lovers of Pulp Fiction are at this very moment waiting for a game that reveals what Marcellus Wallace's pipe-hitting friends actually did with that pair of pliers to naughty old Zed.

Seriously. How many SNES gamers in 1993 would be more interested in Dorothy than Mario? It does not compute. In principle we suppose it has all the makings of a great RPG - a protagonist far from home travels with a party of oddballs across a strange magical land inhabited by flying monkeys and ruled over by an evil entity. But it wasn't an RPG, it was a rubbish platformer and expecting any Nintendo kid to give a shit was optimism in the extreme. Oh, and look, this just in: Wizard of Oz RPG? Turns out someone's making it for DS.

Even if you wore your 'Vote for Pedro' tee with pride, chances are you never played this remedial DS and PSP tie-in. So you might be a bit fuzzy trying to recall all those 'ideal for gaming' moments from the film. Remember when Napoleon feeds the llama, works in the battery-hen house and - gosh - plays tetherball? Yes, all of these and many more mentally-deficient activities were inexplicably transferred for handheld mini-game 'enjoyment'.