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A Family Affair (2024)
Gross
Nicole Kidman is 57, but looks like she's 70. Her face looks so fake, I kept having flashbacks to the Terminator movies.....and was waiting for her face to melt off to reveal the cybernetic structure beneath. Maybe these are actual clones being used, so they don't have to pay the real actors.
It's funny that Zac's character is a talentless actor who can't say no to a bad script because he needs to get paid, and that's exactly what he did when accepting to make this movie.
At this point, Hollywood is just picking crap up off the ground, and rubbing it directly in our faces. They have nothing left.....no talent, no vision, and no shame.
Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024)
Typical Hollywood garbage, made for a 10 year-old
5 minutes in, the characters are all stupid, and the CGI is horrible. There are bands of marauding raiders scouring the wasteland, so let's allow our small children to wander off on their own to look for fruit.
Hemsworth is a terrible actor, and his fake nose is absolutely laughable! He looks like Peter Sellers in "Revenge of the Pink Panther". All he needs is the fake bird perched on his shoulder.
These are supposed to be the survivors of an apocalypse, but all of their brand-new costumes and motor vehicles look like they were funded by a billionaire. They may as well have just left the green-screen behind all of the scenes blank, because it all looks so fake.
Somehow these people can dodge bullets, are unaffected by flame-throwers, and can take a direct hit from an RPG with zero damage.
It's 2.5 hours, and half the movie are just scenes of people sitting behind a steering wheel, or looking through a scope. It's all very serious and tense though.....can't you tell by the dramatic music?
Damsel (2024)
The Click Farm Dragon
It's like Shrek, except it's not entertaining, not funny, not interesting, and has no redeemable qualities whatsoever. I don't understand why they even bother paying real people to make this garbage. They could do it all on a computer, it would be just as terrible, and no actors, actresses, wardrobe people, or anyone else would have to get involved.
Maybe someone lost a bet? Maybe the producers are intentionally trying to lose money.....or they have so much they can just flush it down the toilet? Hard to say, but the disconnect with an audience is quite glaring.
This is what a dying industry looks like.....propped up corpses spray painted gold and silver.
The Bear (2022)
Proof that a great soundtrack can make anything watchable
Good cast, intriguing story, and a great soundtrack. The characters are dumb, incompetent and narcissistic. All of them have severe anger issues, which eventually makes them all unlikeable. They constantly make the same mistakes over and over, and never learn.
Did I mention the soundtrack is amazing? I would like to know what percentage of the budget goes to securing the rights for all of the songs. At times it feels like watching a bunch of commercials, or music videos...it's just one song after another all episode, every episode. I love good music, and as long as they keep paying for the songs, I will keep watching, regardless of how annoying the characters might be.
The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)
The most incompetent crew of sailors ever.
All of the livestock are killed, time to make port so you can restock your food, right? Nope, just keep going, cuz you need that bonus check.
A stow away tells you there is a demon on board, and 2 of the crew members see it with their own eyes. Time to make a pit stop at any of the number of ports in the Mediterranean, right? Nope, just keep going, cuz you need that bonus check.
2 crew members are murdered, and one is barely alive with bite marks on all their necks. Time to haul ass to the closest port along the coast of Europe, right? Nope, just keep going, cuz you need those bonus checks.
Now the captain writes in his journal that "We can't turn back now, England is the closest port". To which I would say, have you ever looked at a map of Europe? They sailed through the entire Mediterranean, through the Strait of Gibraltar where you could literally spit and hit land, and even after that, England is NEVER the closest port until you actually arrive there. Spain, Portugal, France....they are all closer.
These are the most incompetent sailors in the history of the world, and deserved to all have their blood sucked dry.
The Sandman (2022)
The Sandman puts you to sleep by forcing you to watch this show.
Trite, contrived, and incredibly boring. A bunch of narcissistic female bobble-heads pretending to be smart and strong, a spoon-fed story that leaves nothing to the imagination, and the worst part of all.... Patton Oswald as the voice of a crow?
This whole thing is dumbed-down drivel, and it's hard to believe Neil Gaiman signed off on it. The target audience seems to be 12 year old girls suffering from gender dysphoria.
Just take all of the original Sandman and Hellblazer comics, run them through a paper shredder, reconstitute the confetti into toilet paper, and wipe your ass with it. That's about all it's good for.
Sympathy for the Devil (2023)
Devil? More like God-awful
It's hard to care about all of the twists and turns in a movie, when the characters are dumb as rocks, and the script is this sloppy. The movie should have lasted about 5 minutes.....just get out and run.
Oh, but wait, there is a "surprise" ending for anyone who judges a book by it's cover. Too bad it was completely ruined by one of the most absurd scenes I've ever seen. One second there are 2 police officers approaching the vehicle that just crashed, and then inexplicably a 5 minute scene plays out where one guy kills another...right there, 2 steps away, but somehow time is completely frozen for those officers? One of the most idiotic endings ever. I can't believe there are actual people who pay actual money for this literal garbage.
Asteroid City (2023)
A bunch of bored actors playing with their own poop.
Times are tough.....Hollywood being outed as a map factory, writers on strike, a shortage of baby paste to keep them all looking young, Frankepstein's client list, etc.
Wes sends out a mass text, to see how many people can spare one afternoon to fling their own poop around. This "movie" is made, then they all crawl back under the asphalt.
It's trite, contrived and incredibly boring. The best scenes involve the unknown sisters, until King Map himself shows up.....Tom Hanks.
If you like being spoon-fed garbage that's coated in MSG, then this is the film for you. Perhaps you can leave a review after it comes out the other end.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
It's basically a modern version of "The Wall".
You could almost play the album along with this movie, and it might sync up. "Another Brick in the Wall"....."Mother"....."Young Lust"....."Nobody Home".....it's all there. The ending is pulled straight from the final judgement of 'The Worm' as in the song "The Trial".
I see a lot of reviews complaining that it's "too artsy" or "weird just for the sake of being weird", but I disagree. The whole movie made perfect sense. A spiteful, judgmental, abusive narcissist of a mother completely derails her son's development. The father is reduced to a mere story, because there is no room for him in the self-centered world of this insecure witch.
65 (2023)
Better suited for extinction.
The main character is supposed to be a trained Hyper-Space pilot with multiple missions under his belt,
but he leaves the girl alone immediately after finding her so she can wonder off by herself when she wakes up.
He runs around like Yosemite Sam blasting his guns in the air, constantly dropping his rifle and then scurrying away unarmed, only to realize for the 10th time in a row that he may in fact need that rifle.
He trips over every rock in his path, and thinks a dried twig can support his entire body weight.
He has to constantly be saved from his own stupidity by a 7 year old.
And now they fly off into space to do what? Run out of fuel and then slowly starve to death?
It would have been more fitting if they both had died with the Dinosaurs, and then have some archeologists dig up their ship and fossilized corpses 65 million years later.
Lamborghini: The Man Behind the Legend (2022)
I can't drive....25!
Whoa, slow down there.
Somehow the filmmakers managed to make the old race cars look like they are going about 25 MPH. The faster more modern versions look to be traveling at speeds of around 45MPH! Wow!
The characters who make these amazing machines are bumbling idiots who can barely drive.
This all sounds a little crazy...can it be true? Well, some other stuff happens too...then back to some high-speed 45MPH drag racing.
In the end we come full circle, to realize that the Lamborghini is a status symbol, that breaks down all the time and is incredibly expensive to fix...kind of like this movie.
Blackout (2022)
I made it to the 1:50 mark.
One minute and 50 seconds. Think you can stand watching this atrocity for longer? Take the challenge! See how long you can last.
There is no need for a script, or a director, or a screenplay, or an editor, or anyone with any semblance of talent. Just a guy with a cellphone and the video-editing program that's included in Windows 10.
See it's all about the story, the emotions, and the overly dramatic music. If we can just sew together various parts of different corpses to create a new kind of movie, the people will hold their noses as they watch it slowly fall apart, then devour the rotting meat.
Wire Room (2022)
Shot using a cell-phone, with a budget of $50
The script is so bad, Bruce doesn't even bother to get off the couch for his scenes. He just reads his lines, collects his check, and walks away in shame.
This entire movie was filmed in a single afternoon, and they didn't even need a wardrobe...everyone just showed up in whatever they were already wearing. They even used a back-alley vagrant to play the part of the villian.
The crux of the story revolves around a swiveling office chair. They spent weeks trying to find the perfect fit for Mr. Dillon's behind. Kevin is still waiting for his entourage to show up and save him from this atrocity.
Hot Seat (2022)
It's good for a laugh.
I don't think this movie was intended to be a comedy, but it is certainly laughable. Low budget, bad edits, goofy dialog, and the most cheesy one-liners I've heard in a while. I had to keep watching to see how bad it could get.
The Man from Toronto (2022)
A boring and stale copy of Rush Hour.
A money-grabbing ripoff, with zero originality, and very few laughs.
Ridiculous action sequences, cluttered dialog, and bad music. Exactly what we have come to expect from Petlix.
Might as well watch a dog lick his own butthole.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
This series is so stupid, it's laughable.
Literally made for a 5 year-old. The acting is atrocious, the chase scenes are ridiculous, the fighting sequences are clunky and boring, the dialogue is childish, and all of the characters are cardboard and unlikeable. Disney spent more money garnering fake ratings, than they did making this piece of garbage. There is a special place in hell for the people who produced this.
Morbius (2022)
"Wow, What A Great Audience."
I Just Flew In To New York, Boy Are My Crutches Tired!
I'm Cool Like A Fool In A Swimming Pool.
The Talent Show Is Happening Right Now! Let's Get To Rammin'!
You shall p-p-puh.... You shall pa-paaaa.
Severance (2022)
I can't get past the incredibly annoying soundtrack.
The story is okay...nothing original. Good acting, directing, editing....but the soundtrack is horrible. I want to jump through the screen, and smash that piano to bits. It's the same annoying notes over, and over, and over. No, it doesn't help the mood of the story, it makes it all seem too repetitive and boring, and cliché.
Licorice Pizza (2021)
A cluttered, boring 2 hour long music video.
Great soundtrack...that's about it. It felt like a string of unconnected music videos. Add in some well known actors, and a touch of Hollywood ped0, and the critics will rave...right?
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
"Sometimes, dead is better"
A cheesy, spoon-fed, rehashed, boring, money-grab.
All of the action sequences suffer from poor editing, cheap special effects, and childish dialog, specially tailored for the mind of the average 10 year-old.
Strategically enhanced with cute robotic pets!
Vanishing of the Bees (2009)
Just more fear-based propaganda
I researched the so-called "vanishing" of bee populations worldwide, and it's all a hoax. Yes, there was a dip in bee populations in the late 90's, and to this day, that is still the same data that is used to perpetuate this lie. Every single year since then, bee populations have steadily risen worldwide. Many people tried to blame the collapse of the late 90's on Neonicotinoids, a pesticide derived from the tobacco plant. The problem with that is, bee populations in countries where these pesticides were never used also saw a decline in the 90's. Actual researchers say it was probably some kind of fungus, or parasite, that caused the collapses of that era...but again, bee populations are doing just fine since then. I saw one study that concluded the hive decline may simply been due to cold weather, you know, because it gets cold in the winter in the northern hemisphere...imagine that!
Now let's imagine all the bees in the world suddenly disappeared overnight. Then we would have to use a different insect to pollenate our crops for us, or (God forbid), we would have to do it manually. The horror!
Malignant (2021)
I couldn't stop laughing at this atrocity of a film.
It's good for a laugh I guess. I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle these people myself....just one stupid decision after another. The soundtrack was horrible, the CGI was lame. The last 30 minutes is so absurd I just couldn't stop laughing. I guess when you are as established as James Wan, you can do whatever you want, and studios will throw money at you, no matter how bad it is.
No Sudden Move (2021)
No matter how many high-paid actors you add, it still sucks.
"Hey do you want to be in a Soderbergh movie?"
"Sure! I'll just phone in my part."
"Sounds good, there isn't really a script...so just wing it. Where do we send your payment?"
The End.
Separation (2021)
The lock on the door literally changes from one scene to the next.
Yes, this movie definitely suffers from lazy writing. I could not get past the ridiculous scenes regarding the lock on the attic door. They show the lock being opened by the "spirit", but it's a keyless lock on the outside, which the girl could just turn and open herself if she wanted to. Then, in the very next scene, it magically changes to a keyed deadbolt, which makes more sense considering the father couldn't figure out how she got the door open if it was locked, then the very next scene, it magically changes back to a keyless lock that the babysitter turns shut, again from the outside. This is just one of the absurd inconsistencies of this movie. The soundtrack leaves much to be desired as well. It's a shame, because the overall concept had some potential.
Voyagers (2021)
Lots of stupid people running down hallways
They overcompensated for a trite, contrived, and incredibly boring story, with an over-the-top dramatic soundtrack. If these are the people who are chosen to repopulate another planet, then we can be assured the new colony will last about 2 weeks.