Reviews
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022)
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here
Half of the users review-bombing this are purple-haired trans-rights activists who wish death upon JK Rowling for her psychopathic murderous twitter statements such as "only woman have wombs."
The other half are basement-dwelling men's rights champions who can't get over the fact that Johnny Depp was pre-emptively (and mistakenly) replaced for this film.
None of them have watched the movie. Never before have these two sides come together and agreed on a single matter -- until now. I guess nothing binds strangers together as strongly as blind hatred does.
This film is amazing. Leave your baggage at the door and simply watch it for what it is. It's not the magic that makes this movie magical; it's the characters, the story, and of course -- the beasts. Paired with the beautiful visuals & cinematography, I easily give this movie a 9/10.
In a year of complete garbage sequels, prequels, and remakes, this was a pleasant surprise.
No Sudden Move (2021)
Talented Waste
So many great actors in this movie -- but my god was it boring.
I really tried to immerse myself in this one -- as I love period drama/thriller/crime films. Perhaps I was in a bad mood or something, for even during the action scenes it simply felt like nothing was happening.
4/10 Brendan Fraser chungus.
The Black Phone (2021)
Blumhouse strikes again
Satisfactory at best. I should've turned it off as soon as I saw the Blumhouse logo (the children's horror specialists).
Production quality was good; but the story bland and the characters unengaging. Most of the acting was decent enough -- with the exception of the main younger girl who was basically just reading off cue cards and pulling funny facial expressions. Oh, we'll make her use some profanity though so you know she's cool and interesting.
The ending was boring and unimaginative. I'm not sure why this movie was made.
Escape Room (2019)
AtOmS dOn'T mOvE iF yOu StArE aT tHeM
I gave these movies a few stars because they can be visually striking at times.
The story is pretty bland. It's clear the creators think these movies are waaaay smarter than they actually are. In reality, it's more like Saw and Hunger Games had a child who was learning-disabled.
I also think it's hilarious how the diversity quota follows an exact script (for both movies) -- even though they plan to gruesomely kill everyone off. Like "Hey look at us! We're being suuuper inclusive! ...Oh btw, you all get tortured and die." That's true equality I guess.
Some decent performances from a few of the actors -- but the majority come off as wooden and unrealistic. Maybe that's what they were going for, I don't know. The black guy in the first movie was especially terrible.
Morbius (2022)
Malibu Stacy's New Hat
There was nothing particularly horrible about this, but how many times are they going to make this movie? It follows an identical script to Venom and other "in association with" marvel movies.
The Week Of (2018)
This movie is no joke, literally
Where the hell is the comedy?
Nothing at all funny happens for the entire movie. It's just two hours of overly-emphasised jewish accents and women laughing at themselves.
I love Adam Sandler, not sure what happened here though.
Choose or Die (2022)
Underwhelming noise
I liked the overall idea of this -- went in with pretty average expectations.
I made it 10 minutes before I had to turn it off due to the god-awful soundtrack. The dialogue wasn't much better. Boring and unimaginative.
The Batman (2022)
What a surprise
"The problem has always been white people..." -- Catwoman
Oh piss off already. Give it a rest.
It's a movie about an edgelord who dresses up as a bat.
New Year's Eve (2011)
Ignore the cast -- this movie sucks
Is this nonsense honestly funny to anyone?
It's like they filled up their celebrity quota but then forgot to actually write a story. I have no idea why this film needed to be made. Nothing happens. There's no point to it at all.
Lost River (2014)
"Slow burn" with no burn
Felt like it was going for an "American Beauty" or "Requiem" vibe but it fell severely flat. Basically a documentary on crumbling neighbourhoods in America. Nothing much really happens at all.
American Gods (2017)
Severely lost its way. Deserved cancellation.
I watched this because it had Ian McShane in it.
I have no idea why they treated this like a creative writing exercise for race-relations and LGBT issues instead of just writing a story and sticking to it. No wonder it got cancelled.
Parks and Recreation (2009)
Great casual viewing
Great for casual viewing -- for example, when you're scrolling your phone or having a conversation. The Office is better though.
Literally every side-character in this show is funnier than the lead woman, and makes it worth watching for them alone. She's not annoying or anything -- just really boring and unfunny.
Gold (2022)
Pointless crayon-sniffing garbage
I have no idea why I thought this would be good.
It's just Zac Efron crying for two hours. It's not a slow-burn at all.
It just sucks. Nothing happens. It doesn't "explore the downfall of humanity" like it thinks it does. It's boring.
Jesus Christ, what a stinker.
Legends of the Fall (1994)
Riding the Carousel
A lonely widow goes on a revenge-fuelled sex spree to see how many relatives of her super-dead fiancee she can get into bed with.
The poor guy gets blown apart by a machine gun turret (that the germans specifically set up just to kill him) and then his poor memory is shamed by the lustrous crazed beast that he unfortunately fell in love with.
Devs (2020)
Mesmerizing, but with flaws
This show really struck a chord with me, in a weird way that not many shows do.
Unpopular Opinion: I wish Lily didn't exist. She was completely ordinary and her acting was sub-par compared to everyone else involved. I have absolutely no clue why she was the main character.
The show would've been better without her.
Forest's character was much more interesting and relatable.
I feel like the show could've delivered so much more.
The Misfits (2021)
"Haha yeah for real my man, no cap ngl bruh this is lowkey a mood"
I've never seen Nick Cannon in anything before. I made it fifteen minutes into this movie before having to turn it off. Whoever decided to let him narrate the whole thing should be fired. Absolutely unbearable.
Finch (2021)
Tom Hanks and his dog
Love Tom Hanks, I'll watch anything he's in.
Can't shake the feeling that something was missing in this story. It's a drama with no drama. Action with no action.
The voice they chose for Jeff the Robot really annoyed me for some reason. Like, they could've used literally any other robotic voice and it would've sounded fine. He sounds like an old Jewish accountant with a head cold.
Free Guy (2021)
Hard to hold back the wholesome feel of it all
Finally, a good freakin' film to come out of 2021!
This was so much better than I expected.
I wish they hadn't used irl streamers in the movie though -- they cringe the heck out of me.
Overall 9/10 though. Great feel-good film and I went into it kinda tired and grumpy. Turned me right around.
Old (2021)
What the hell, shamamalan
Poorly acted with nonsense dialogue. None of the characters or their reactions were believable in the slightest. Garbage, annoying camerawork with random extreme facial close-ups right up the actors' nostrils.
The reveal almost earned an extra point, but the body of this movie was fucking horrendous. I'm so disappointed. I didn't even pay to see this but I want a refund.
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)
What the heck
Not sure what happened here.
Absolutely loved the first movie -- making this sequel one of my most anticipated movies of 2021.
I couldn't even finish it. Turned it off around the 1-hr mark.
Stillwater (2021)
Damon da man
Bill's relationship with the local woman and her daughter was acted brilliantly by all involved. I could've watched hours of them just chilling in their apartment.
Bill's biological daughter, however, was completely unlikeable from the start. I found myself completely uninterested in her fate.
The Guilty (2021)
Boring, no story
Love Jake. Will watch anything he's in.
This was pretty ordinary, though. His character is douchey and the story isn't gripping enough to hold interest. 911 operators are known for their arrogance, but this character takes it to a whole new level.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
Short & Sweet
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
It even has bow wow in it for some reason. He even winks at the camera at one point. So unbelievably stupid.
The Tomorrow War (2021)
They're not even hiding it anymore
It's great to finally see a Ugandan movie getting some recognition.
The casting was very diverse (around 95% black), but they had to throw in a few white people or the aliens would've had nobody to kill without being called xenophobic bigots.
The music at multiple times was too loud to make out what the characters were whispering. Poor editing.
Overall good CGI and some very stunning & brave characters.
Fantasy Island (2020)
(((spooky)))
No idea why Blumhouse decided to plaster their name all over this one. It's basically a kids' movie.
Oh, and every couple in the entire movie is interracial lmao. Even the dead people. Even the two brothers --- one of them is a gay asian lol. Try harder, wokesters.