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Black Friday (2021)
Worst Toy Story Ever
Well, it wasn't ThanksKilling-bad, but very, very close.
This was awful. Like really, really bad and completely all-over-the-place. I don't think ANYONE involved in the making of this had any clue what movie they wanted to make.
A meteorite shower on Thanksgiving night causes some people to turn into Spirit Halloween-masked "zombies" (? I think anyways.) Meanwhile, a toy store group of employees fight/sacrifice themselves to crack "jokes" and spread drama.
Seriously, I've seen many trapped-survivor films, including in stores/malls. This has to rank at/near the bottom and just made me wish I was just watching 2007's The Mist instead. Or heck, even the opening to 2023's Thanksgiving.
Just skip this and shop online instead.
***
Final Thoughts: I started this review with a positive, albeit backhanded compliment. I'll end with one more, hence the extra star. TWO jokes landed - a defective sad bear's dialogue and a running shopping cart gag. Seriously, I did laugh at both, so kudos to something that gave me joy in this pile of shipping.
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (2022)
No Secret - I Loved This Movie
Here's a first: the moment the end credits finished upon my first viewing, I restarted the movie and watched it all over again.
And I cried both times, pretty heavily, I might add.
At first, I was puzzled why this was set in the 80s. Sure, many...MANY...movies are based in the 80s these days. Mostly for nostalgia. After watching this, it's clear: this WAS the 80s. To me, it was actually the 90s when I experienced this, but close enough.
Ari (everyone calls him that) and Dante bond over swimming lessons and they have a genuine youth friendship one summer. Almost immediately, Dante is thrust off to Chicago (from the full setting of El Paso, TX) for a year. During this separation, both boys come of age in seemingly different paths. Once reunited, their "secrets" become...complicated.
I LOVED how simple this movie was and yet, so freaking true. This "fictional" story is so many of our LGBTQIA+ journeys. I truly believed everything here as if it happened in front of my own eyes. And of all the coming-of-age gay-themed movies I've seen, this felt probably the truest.
It also helps this movie was beautifully shot, wonderfully acted with incredible chemistry between the title characters and well-paced with believable dialogue and actions from the teens. While some of the scenes in the climax might seem over-dramatic, they weren't to me. This REALLY happened back then. If anything, these characters got off lucky.
I bought this movie cold and it's probably one of the best purchases I've made this year. I've seen it twice today, and might watch it again tomorrow. I cannot express how much I loved this movie, this reenactment of my youth and how it felt going back to my coming-out story.
I'm going to have to update my all-time favorite LGBTQIA+ films list. This is going in the top 5 for sure.
No Strings Attached (2023)
No Real Plots Either
The movie "Lost in Translation" wasn't this Lost in Translation.
I wasn't aware upfront this was an anthology of short gay-themed films. I bought this movie on Amazon cold with the idea this was a sweet gay-Asian love story. Incorrect. SOME of it's Asian and NONE of it is Sweet.
Admittedly, as the shorts progressed, they got easier to understand, but still all-over-the-place. Maybe I'm just not used to the cultures or short artsy films. I DID like the last 2 shorts the best. So at least they saved the best for last.
Not recommended. Unless you're heavily into the underground micro-budgeted LGBTQIA+ experiments.
***
Final Thoughts: When I just came out...many moons ago, I purchased the first "Boy's Life" DVD From 1995, another LGBTQIA+ collaboration of short films. In this case, it was simple coming out stories. I still have that for nostalgia and I need to revisit that someday. Haven't seen it in just shy of 30 years. (Wow... have DVDs been out that long? Gosh I'm old.) I still own this movie, but haven't even thought about it in as many years. I really need to revisit it soon.
Red One (2024)
Shrink Your Expectations
From what I've heard for why this budget was stupid-huge, it sounds like it's Rock Bottom for Diva Dwayne. I even liked his Black Adam, but his reign might be coming to a close soon.
This is a hard movie to review. Red One was FAAAR from perfect. Only a few jokes landed - and admittedly, I did laugh a couple of times. The editing was terrible and script felt like a first/second draft with much more work needed. And yet, I enjoyed it. I would be lying if I didn't get a tad emotional in the ending with two side stories' conclusions.
The "Red One" is kidnapped despite being guarded by Hollywood's bulkiest star and only the naughty Johnny Storm can track him down in time for St. Nick's Christmas deliveries. Think Ernest Saves Christmas without the humor and 1,000x the budget.
I took my Father and Stepmother and they both thoroughly enjoyed it, which is actually saying a lot from my Stepmom's POV - she actually doesn't care for movies much. They both had a tremendously better time than myself and yet, I can't really complain much here. Despite the flaws, I didn't hate any time I was in the cinema. If you saw the trailer, it's that beat-by-beat. Almost zero surprises.
Now, did it deserve to be as big of a bomb as it was? Well, that depends. While there were a ton of special effects/CGI, I can't see why/how this cost $250m, aside from The Rock driving up the price tag with his issues. And again, while it's far from a 5/5-star movie, I am a little surprised it didn't make more. Maybe this felt too 90s? Too much of a Holiday movie made 30 years ago? Not sure.
Yeah, you best leave your brain at the door and your expectations in the basement. Then, it should be a fun Saturday feature.
***
Final Thoughts: Funny, I'm absolutely no prude. My favorite film genre is, of course, Horror with Slashers as my fave subgenre. From the PG13 to the whatever the Terrifier series qualifies for. And yet, one of my biggest problems with this movie was...the swearing.
To step back, this holiday/Santa story isn't really for young kids. It's really a rather complicated script that never really focuses enough on the mystical or simple enough that may attract the younglings. But, they COULD'VE made this for everyone had they literally just replaced some of the verbiage.
To be fair, I'm not a huge Christmas Movie lover. Don't get me wrong, I have a TON I absolutely love and rewatch every Nov/Dec, from the G-rated to the Hard-R. This was just at that lower-Rating area that it could've been reevaluated to become a Christmas classic for all ages, like Elf or Muppets Christmas Carol...if not for the unnecessary bad language. And I mean, it was 100% needless and felt off from all the other dialogue.
Bad Boys: Ride or Die (2024)
Riding Diehard Fans Only
At least Miami looks awesome.
Maybe I wasn't in the mood for this. Truth be told, I seriously couldn't find a new-to-me movie for my Friday night to see until I settled for a Netflix movie and saw this one. I didn't hate it, but it really was a chore to get through.
Seriously, if you're a fan of this series, you'll probably love this. It's filmed like it was one of the Michael Bay released entries. It has ALL of the clichés and jokes between the leads. This movie is for YOU.
I just HATED how this was shot and edited. And it felt so very safe for Bad Boys-fans. I'm not necessarily complaining - I do love the Lethal Weapon series and that's not always perfect.
For the synopsis, just watch the trailer. It literally tells you this entire movie of our infamous Bad Boys trying to clear the name of their since-deceased captain.
This movie isn't really that terrible and it does contain every 90s action scene/buddy cop stereotype. So, if you're looking for nostalgia, here you go.
It just didn't do it for me here. I guess, I just have to go back to the beginning and be a real fan before I appreciate this add-on.
***
Final Thoughts: Speaking of which, I *know* I've seen the so-so original. I actually and surprisingly liked part 3. I don't at ALL recall seeing part 2. Per my movie-seen-tracking list, I only saw 1, 3 and now 4. Maybe I *do* need to see 2 to appreciate them all...?
Matthias et Maxime (2019)
Just Kiss Already
This movie began reminding me of 2009's Hump Day and left me with a little bit of sadness.
Two life-long "straight" friends are tasked to make out together for a mutual friend's indie film. One doesn't mind while the other definitely does. But it happens...off screen. The rest of the movie is the aftermath.
I liked it, but it's sad and depressing and very real. I can see this really happening and it's too bad it takes a very long time to get to what you know is coming. Also, it's hard to read all the subtitles since they come fast & furious.
I would barely recommend as nothing really happens for the two-hours you spend with it and it's just a sad tale of lost loves. I don't regret the experience, but it's hardly something I'd revisit.
***
Final Thoughts: It was AWESOME to feature a person with a large birthmark across his face. My niece was born with one half-her body covered in these. Yes, it's referenced in the movie, but it was nice that it's seen as normal. As it should be.
Kaibutsu (2023)
What Lies Beneath
Remember your 5th grade? I relived it here. Well, almost.
I don't normally do this, but I watched a bunch of review vlogs/Ending Explained YouTube vids covering this movie before I wrote down my thoughts in this review. I don't like to be influenced by others so I can be 100% clean in my perspective and opinion. I just wanted to make sure I was correct with how this story ended.
And yes. I was influenced. See? See why I don't do this? Lol. I went from 9/10 stars to a full 10/10 stars. While I wouldn't call this a masterpiece worthy of said perfect rating, I am enthralled, entranced and a better person after watching this movie. Hence, the 10/10 stars.
I REALLY want to avoid spoilers here as it's always best to go into a movie experience cold, so I'll do my best with the synopsis. This movie is about a troubled boy in the fifth grade that may or may not have been abused by his home room teacher and also might be a school bully or victim with another classmate. This incredible, and I do mean INCREDIBLE, story unravels the truth bit by bit. This truly feels real. Like we're playing God to these actions taking place over a short period of time.
For those who have experienced what these two boys went through during your adolescence, I feel for you. I LIVED this life during my youth. Of course, the events of this movie didn't take place in my personal story, but the yearning, exploring, the deep confusion/self-hate, society norms...ALL of this was so incredibly real, it was heartbreaking to see here. Like I was watching my own childhood on camera.
Such a powerful, beautiful, original film. My only regret is that I didn't see this in the year of its release as it would've shot straight to the top 5 (or better) of my Best-of-2023 movies list.
Simply cannot recommend this enough. And stick through it. Admittedly, the first half is slow-paced and hard to follow. It'll ALL become clear and you'll be rewarded for making to the end.
***
Final Thoughts: I recently subscribed to Mubi, yet ANOTHER streaming service. I only meant to subscribe to its 7-day trial period so I could finally watch this year's (2024) best picture: The Substance. But I allowed them to charge me for the 1st month so I could check out their entire catalog. I initially scoffed at the high price for no-name movies, but WOW, this site does have some wonderful gems. I've only seen 3 since I subbed, and I've loved all three: The Substance (2024, 10/10 Stars,) Sometimes I Think About Dying (2024, 8/10 Stars) and this one, Monster (2023, 10/10 Stars.) I think I'm sticking with this service.
Black Cab (2024)
An Uber-Mess
While this might give you Insomnia, this World's "Greatest" Dad is far past the One Hour Photo era.
I hated this movie and it's definitely a contender for worst 2024 release. In fact, this *has* to be worse than M. Night's Trap by a landslide. I really loathed this movie.
Let's get the synopsis out of the way so I can rag on this movie more. An insufferable and absolutely unlikeable couple get into a cab after a tense dinner party and unfortunately, this cabbie has ulterior motives for them. He kidnaps them and in a jumbled mess of a plot, he explains why. Well, sort of. I'm still not sure how this movie ended and I just finished it.
I selected this Friday-Night-Fright film because the streaming service, Shudder, has an incredible track record for producing/featuring excellent cinema. PLUS, this starred the ever-great Nick Frost. Roughly twenty minutes in, I figured this was Frost's way of mimicking Robin Williams' transition from comedy to Suspense/Horror films. The Late-Great Robin Williams REALLY chose wisely with his incredible suspense/horror films. Nick Frost surely did not here.
This was horribly shot and it looked like some scenes were experimental or copying other better films - so shame for the plagiarism on full-display here. I really did despise practically every frame and the three main characters were so incredibly uninteresting and boring, seeing them for the bulk of the film didn't help.
What we're left with is a mismatch of supernatural and straight-forward suspense/kidnapping films. Neither worked and they seemed to react with each other like water and oil. I'm not sure THEY knew what they wanted this movie to end up as.
Just skip this taxi and wait for another one. I hear the Yellow Cabs are a little more reliable.
***
Final Thoughts: I think Nick Frost was trying to save this movie. Sounds like he was trying to aid the Director with the script and dialogue. While I didn't find any redeeming qualities in the film, I will give him credit for trying.
Heretic (2024)
Thoughts and Prayers
Not to be confused with Exorcist II: The Heretic. This one's actually a good movie.
Well, to be fair, Hugh Grant made this a good movie. Of course, that's par for the course.
Ever question your faith? Or wanted to hear more about its origins? Well, come on in and let Hugh Grant's Mr. Reed turn the tables on two Mormon Missionaries who visit his isolated home during a huge storm. I don't know what's scarier: What Mr. Reed has to say or what the missionaries do.
I kinda expected more and definitely didn't expect this to be as slow as it was. YES, it had it's very well shot scenes of tension as the movie's mostly about two young ladies trapped in a scary philosopher's house that holds many twists and turns. And yet, WOW, this was slow at times.
Don't get me wrong, I liked it. Reminded me a lot of the same feelings when I watched The Human Centipede, Knock Knock, Split, Barbarian and Black Phone, regardless of the these all having somewhat similar settings/conflicts. I just felt something was off.
Hugh and the ultimate meaning of the movie saved it. I wasn't really keen on the two girls' acting, but they were serviceable. Hugh really engaged me and despite him being in the grand majority of it, I could've even wanted more from him.
I did end up liking the reveal and how it all really paid off. And the opening background shots were absolutely stunning. It is a recommendation, for sure.
***
Final Thoughts: I actually don't think I've seen a bad Hugh Grant performance. Here are my top ten of his:
1. Maurice (1987)
2. Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
3. Notting Hill (1999)
4. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)
5. Glass Onion (2022)
6. Love Actually (2003)
7. Heretic (2024)
8. The Gentlemen (2019)
9. Nine Months (1995)
10. Wonka (2023)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)
Fatal Coming Attractions
It may not have been All About Eve, but it was all about the incredible script.
After GUSHING over 2024's The Substance to a coworker and describing the plot, she immediately, without hesitation, recommended "Sunset Boulevard." Of course, as a film lover my entire life, I had heard OF this film. I just had never seen it, nor knew really anything about it. I just gathered from her endorsement, it had to do with an aging movie star with a dark twist to the plot.
I was right. Not to mention, in both movies, the main fake-movie-star-within-a-movie was 50. Coincidence? Probably an homage.
I can't tell you how much I loved this movie and mostly for the script. No wonder, of the 11 Oscar Nominations, it did win Best Writing. YES, the acting was very good, sets, mood, score, cinematography, actor's chemistry were all also great. But, this script. I *wish* I could write this well.
Failing Hollywood screenplay writer inadvertently flies right into the web of a has-been Silent movie star's riches. The writer's not a great guy, but likeable enough and when he resists the self-absorbed, and literal mentally imbalanced prior actress, his whole life spins out-of-control.
While I caught a TON of film references here, I WISH I had seen this the year of release. Impossible since it would be decades before I was born, but I feel like I would've caught more cameos, movie-tie-ins and be in the know. I'd love to study up more on this great picture to understand and absorb it all.
When my coworker recommended this, she was worried I wouldn't watch a Black & White picture. On the contrary, it doesn't bother me, and the way she briefly described this, I thought of one of my favorite B&W movies: All About Eve. She said it's in the same ballpark but not that close. (Also, while on the subject, 1960's Psycho lands in my top 3 favorite horror movies of all time - ten years after this classic. Huh, they just didn't want to give up the old format for decades.)
I can't see this is for everyone. I mean, it would be a tough-enough sell for GenZ to watch this aged, B&W movie and when it constantly references "silent pictures," they split. Doesn't matter to me. This script is perfect and it's great that everything else fell right in line with the screenplay. This is a TOTAL recommendation.
Regretful it's taken THIS long to finally see it. Won't be my last time, I assure you.
***
Final Thoughts: I *know* it was the 50s, in fact, it was the very beginning of said decade. But, it's fun how they used both "queer" and "gay" for their original definitions.
The Substance (2024)
Call Me Insane, Call Them Ms. Vain
I can see why this got the attention it so deserved.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, we come to a close. The End. Halloween Day 2024. I was supposed to watch the classics, Halloween (1978) and its first follow-up from 1981. But no. Facebook advised me "The Substance" was available (finally) on Streaming - via Mubi, included with a 7-day trial. I *knew* I had to jump on the bandwagon.
I was right. They were right. This movie will be talked about for years. Decades. Talk about an Instant Classic. It IS worth the hype. I *loved* this movie and need to own it.
Demi Moore, sorry, Hollywood-Has Been Elisabeth Sparkle is getting oust as a 50-year-old (Shoot, I can relate) and as her career is set to be behind her, she's given the "Substance" to rekindle her youth and continue on. Only, there's a catch, isn't there? Oh, yes, there's a catch.
As this movie neared its third act, but still within Act Two, I compared this to 1986's The Fly. This feeling only grew stronger as the finale drew near. This WOULD be a great double feature with that masterpiece from the mid-80s. YES, I would rate The Fly higher, but this was close.
There is no subtlety here. This is in your face. It's odd and off. Everything is very exaggerated. And it makes you know the rules of this universe. So, this causes stakes and you'll feel those so high. This was brilliantly spread throughout.
Speaking of which, I *did* think this movie was too on-the-nose during the first half. I never thought it was bad. It was just too obvious for what they're trying to convey. As it progressed, it didn't matter anymore. This felt like...a whole world I loved to be in. This was pure horror and I haven't experienced this in years.
Sure, it's not completely original in its minute/initial concept. It comes into its own. You Do know the rules, so you know what these dueling entities are dealing with.
100% I felt, in the final act, this movie will be studied for years. Sure, it's just another indie horror film in the 2020s. This one just feels special. Well shot. Well-acted. With Great locations, believable actors and situations. It IS fantasy, but you can still relate.
Let this be a lesson to you all. Accept your fate or face a worse situation.
***
Final Thoughts: If only you followed the rules...
Strange Darling (2023)
STRANGE DARLING
I was really worried about 2024...And I haven't even gotten to "The Substance" yet.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I really fell for it. And I'm really ashamed I did. And to be doubly problematic, I fell for both rouses.
There's an opening crawl that states this is "based on a true story" of a recent serial killer from the late 20-teens. I immediately doubted that and was correct. That was just a fabrication. No spoiler - they tell you in the facts-section.
The other "spoiler" revelation, I'll leave to you. Admittedly I REALLY didn't see that coming.
Basic synopsis is, this is a mockumentary of a serial killer that spans several states and we follow the latest victim to the standard isolated/farmer's house where the victim/survivor meet to duke it out.
REALLY liked this one. YES, it was yet another Quentin Tarantino/Pulp Fiction jumbled storyline and yet, it was captivating and easy to follow throughout. So many filmmakers trying to mimic this in the 90s/2000s and yet, in 2024, this did it right. Even with a great soundtrack.
EXCEPT for the overused "Love Hurts." God, that's used as many times as "The Man Comes Around." The rest of the songs - fantastic.
Gory, great acting, BEAUTIFUL cinematography...I'm saddened I just didn't purchase this when I had the chance to rent/buy this and just rented it. I kinda knew I wanted to keep this beauty.
***
Final Thoughts: She-Devil is my Number One favorite Ed Begley Jr. Movie. This might come in a close second - if he wasn't in it for SUCH a short time.
Venom: The Last Dance (2024)
Barely Held Together Symbiote
How on Earth does Tom Hardy keep getting better looking? At least I can give that positive about this movie.
Actually, this isn't a terrible movie. It has many funny moments and pretty much any scene involving the buddies, Venom and that Hot Hardy guy, was either funny or enjoyable. Sadly, those other six or so subplots/characters and terrible editing dragged this down.
For really dumb reasons, Eddie Brock & his Alien Buddy need to leave their hideout (Mexico) and head to the Big Apple to see Lady Liberty. The entire movie is a detour through Area 51 and some Vegas scenes. Oh, and generic monsters are after a MacGuffin within Venom/Brock, the weirdest alien-seeking family is on mission and scientists/military argue. I might be missing some of the many subplots here.
This movie felt very off. Like too much was cut out or too much left in. For example, the Vegas scene. While I'm ALL about seeing my Precious on the big screen, if you cut out the entire Vegas segment, it wouldn't have changed a thing. And the trailer not only had so many more scenes not featured in the movie, they're completely set up to be seen in the final edit and were abruptly cut out.
I just kept feeling this was wildly edited and spliced back together so weirdly. I'm gonna assume due to the 25 minutes of end-credits with multiple full songs/scores, this wasn't made by A. I. It just really felt like it was.
If you liked the other Venom movies, I'm sure this'll get a pass from you. Again, I didn't hate it and I did laugh a bunch. Plus, the chemistry between Venom and Eddie is so golden.
Which is a weird thing to say considering one of them is CGI...
***
Final Thoughts: The Vegas scenes totally cracked me up - but, not for the right reasons. Eddie Brock is turned away at the entrance of the Paris Las Vegas hotel and casino for not meeting their dress code. Um, there is no dress code. I would assume you need to at very least be completed clothed, i.e. Not naked/underwear only. Other than that, no dress code.
Also, slot machines never say "You Lose." And there are cameras everywhere. 100% of the things Eddie did inside or out that he believed were done "in private" would've been captured. So, like, those two assaults and the theft of the man's clothes would've alerted at least security.
I will give them this. Where Eddie was dropped off on The Strip and his journey from that drop-off point to the Paris was 100% accurate. 95% of all Vegas movies seeming get The Strip's continuity completely off and makes me angry.
Azrael (2024)
Say What?
Funny. I was just saying the other day that we needed more movies with Samara Weaving. I need to be more careful for what I wish for.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I jumped at this due to her name attached alone. What a weird, experimental and still very hard to understand film.
In the future, post the Rapture, we have survivors who either refuse to speak or have become mute. Unfortunately, this causes great confusion with trying to put the pieces together. Anyhoo, the movie follows, I guess, "Azrael" (no one speaks English or in subtitles, so who knows any of these characters' names. Wish they, at least, had a "Hi! My Name Is ____" nametag...) as she's simultaneously stalked by a human tribe and burnt forest demons.
Aside from Weaving, the "beyond the Rapture" bit I briefly read in the description prior to starting the movie intrigued me. Not many of those movies outside of the Left Behind series. I believe this ties in the confusing ending. Still, I'm lost and probably have to watch one of those "Ending Explained" YouTube vids covering this.
It's not necessarily a bad movie and I get the very deliberate choice of almost 96% zero dialogue. It's just not a gimmick I'd like to hear from again.
At least the gore and special/practical effects were top notch. Always gotta give great kudos to these artists for that.
***
Final Thoughts: By the way, the film "No One Will Save You" did this "silent" movie bit SOOO much better. I'd highly recommend that incredible movie over this. Especially that ending I loved so much and will never forget.
Trap (2024)
Don't Get Trapped
Congratulations, M. Night...You received the coveted single 1/10-star review of 2024, so far. (Bet you'll win this "prize," even with 2 months left to go.)
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I actually wanted to see Trap, M. Night Shyamalan's latest effort. He's about an 80%/20% Incompetent to decent filmmaker. To say he's hit & miss is being far too generous. The grand majority of his films are laughably bad or just awful.
The trailers for this, which only focused on 50% of the film, showed a pretty bad concept. The authorities plan on "TRAP"ping a serial killer by using a very lazily-choregraphed concert with thousands of innocent people to apprehend the perp. I had hoped there would be more to this plot...and I was fooled. There's very, very little more to this.
First off, I hated how it was shot. Constantly framing the actor in the dead-center of the screen. This made me question all of M. Night's other films to see if this is how he shoots ALL of his movies. Second, EVERYONE did a terrible job at acting, including the extras. Sure, they're not trained as actors, but wow, even they didn't act as real people. Not to mention, Third, the dialogue and how people acted actually felt like A. I. or if Aliens landed and wrote the script.
And speaking of which...this script felt like it was written by a 14-year-old with absolutely no assistance or knowledge how anything works in this world. It's hilarious to really know this was written by the constant letdown M. Night is.
Is he in on the joke? Is this unironically/unintentionally hilarious? Is he really a genius who trolls the critics and purposely creates bad films for his own amusement?
Perhaps. But I pray I won't be Trapped again. This movie is so laughably bad from frame one to the ending. Nothing worked here. I don't wish to get political here, but I guess I understand M. Night's appeal.
In a world where people find entertainment with Trump and actually would vote for him despite his 150,000 flaws and crimes, I guess we also could live in a world where people believe M. Night could actually deliver competent filmmaking to us. Spoiler: Neither Trump nor M. Night are truly smart. We just love their material to truly mock them.
I really hate to use this word, but this movie was DUMB. I thought that in Act One and it never left my head. I kept 100% feeling this movie was DUMB every scene following. Please...people don't be dumb. Stop voting for Trump and stop feeding M. Night with any box office dollars.
Thank GOD I waited long enough to get this "free" on Max so I didn't have to pay for a ticket or rental price.
***
Final Thoughts: Thanks to Trap, I can now, finally, make a Bottom Ten WORST M. Night movies ranked from the vilest to really bad:
1. The Happening (2008)
2. Trap (2024)
3. After Earth (2013)
4. Lady in the Water (2006)
5. The Last Airbender (2010)
6. The Visit (2015)
7. Old (2021)
8. The Village (2004)
9. Glass (2019)
10. Signs (2002)
Til Death Do Us Part (2023)
Divorce Before it's Too Late
Despite always trying to go in as cold as possible, I really need to check out the audience rating. Plus, to see if this is actual horror or not.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, another misfire appeared. Not just in the form of a dud, but as a movie that masqueraded as a horror when it's barely even an action, Mr. & Mrs. Smith action movie.
I *think* this was a Not-Guy Ritchie knockoff starring Not-Jennifer Garner and Not-Ryan Reynolds, but with a worse plot, acting and so little action. Oh, and also, this AIN'T HORROR. I really hate it when someone labels a movie as "horror" when it's anything but. Oh, sure, there's blood and guts. While that may be horrific, it's NOT horror.
A Runaway Bride (for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us) wants to leave the (spy-killer) organization. Unfortunately for her, "no one leaves" the band of killers. So, she must Jane Wick her way through to the groom in a very predictable way.
I will say, I did like SOME of the fight chorography. I liked the enthusiasm of the Non-Ryan Reynolds character and the Asian Assassin was cute (and fierce.) But really, the rest of the acting, ESPECIALLY the lead Bride, was awful.
I mean, I GUESS...if you left your brain at the door, this might be mildly entertaining. Just don't expect much, nor any horror movie.
***
Final Thoughts: This is why we need to keep our receipts for wedding gifts.
You're Killing Me (2023)
You Killed Smalls
I'd suggest "borrowing" this from the Hoopla site so you don't have to pay the $1.99 Prime wanted to charge. That's like two bucks more than this is worth.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024 and desperate for new-to-me horror, I found the horribly awkward "You're Killing Me." During the 1st act, I wondered if this was based on a true story (it wasn't.) Throughout the 2nd act, I was bored. And by the 3rd act, it did pick up with a great twist and then changed directions so badly, you couldn't root for anyone anymore.
This movie is about a scholarship kid who's trying to use a Congressperson's son to get a letter of recommendation from his father...but once he's tied to a fellow classmate's disappearance, there's a stalemate that kinda reminded me of Green Room. Only...so much worse.
This truly felt like there was a partial script and they decided to begin filming prematurely thinking they could just play it by ear. We have very fine actors all-around with competent cinematographers. Unfortunately, even they were slaves to a scriptless movie.
So many dumb decisions made by the characters, it's not just hard to root for anyone. It's wrong to side with anyone. They're all dumb.
Smalls got killed repeatedly here. Don't be like Smalls.
***
Final Thoughts: And we thought Anne Heche was the crazy one. Maybe she was, but Ellen did end up being a monster herself. Anyhoo - crazy to think this must've been Anne's final role, or one of them. Like filmed RIGHT before she tragically passed away.
MadS (2024)
It's a Mads, Mads, Mads, Mads World
Well, that escalated quickly. I don't believe in nukes, but you probably gotta Blow this city.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I finally get to see the beginning of the zombie (?) outbreak I've been wanting to see. George A. Romero basically did it with his 2007's Diary of the Dead - and despite that not being very well received AND found-footage, to boot, I actually really liked that entry. This would make a great companion piece, a super double feature. (Maybe a fun triple feature with the also-similar Cloverfield from 2008.)
This felt VERY experimental and even though not 100% original as a One-Take Movie, it was enormously effective and very well-thought out. I loved how this moved from character to character, tragedy to escalating situations. You got enough background for each character intro and then onto the next victim. PLUS, it absolutely didn't overstay its welcome with such a short screentime.
The movie begins with a 18yo Birthday Boy all coked up and while on his merrily way to party, he encounters (what I'd assume to be) Patient Zero of some kind of diseased experiment. There we follow him as he slowly becomes Mads with so many around him...and the sad aftermaths.
This was haunting, realistic, terrifying and probably could very well happen. I don't believe in conspiracy theories and yet, how could this not be a real threat to all of us?
We need to celebrate movies like this and creative artists who make 'em. This could NOT have been a huge budget and yet it's a fantastic, memorable and dare I say: an instant classic. Obviously, it's not Hollywood since this is sooo French.
This will be one I'll want to revisit several times. It feels so real, I'm genuinely creeped out. I know this screams sequel and an expanded universe of what this outbreak means/originated from. I honestly don't need it. I am fully satisfied here.
Heck, I even LOVED how they presented the title in the opening. If this doesn't end up on many people's Best of 2024 list, there is no justice.
(Side note: this will be in direct competition with Oddity as my #1 horror movie of 2024. I *may* have to watch these both again just to make my final determination.)
***
Final Thoughts: Add this to the latest string of foreign horror films that are WAY low budget (compared to the normal Hollywood blockbuster fare) and outshines them ALL. Including, but not limited to: Godzilla Minus One, Talk to Me and When Evil Lurks, just to name a few. All GREAT movies, none from the Hollywood engines/Producer-Interference and super-low budget. THESE are the movies to cherish.
Strait-Jacket (1964)
Another Psycho II
Why doesn't ANYONE talk about this slasher? Seriously, this is a slasher from the 60s that's never brought up.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, this older/B&W film was recommended to me by a Slasher-Fan-Friend of mine. I figured, given the name/era/star, it would've been a character study into horror but I never expected a slasher from the mid-60s.
I actually had this now-60-year-old murder-mystery pegged from the VERY beginning. I don't think 1964 audiences did, but watching this for the first time in 2024, I knew where this was going. I actually never doubted my prediction from moment one and I was ultimately correct.
And I'm pretty impressed with it's before-it's-time plot twist and graphic kills for the 60s. Yes, this came out after 1960's Psycho, but long-before 1983's Psycho II. (Full disclosure, I felt Psycho II was a better film and yet, this one is absolutely entertaining and far before its time.)
Cougar Joan Crawford catches her younger Hubby in bed with another woman and she silently axes them a question. About 30x she axes them while her young daughter watches on. Joan is sent away for 20 years in a mental hospital only to return to her now-grown daughter's farm and life. When more dead bodies appear, is the mother's past of killing/lunacy resurfacing?
Admittedly, even as a movie lover/amateur critic, I haven't seen too many Joan Crawford pictures. I can see from this movie she WAS a MAJOR star back then and commanded the screen. She was truly a professional.
I did like this movie - it's pretty much harmless and, again, way ahead of its time with how much slashing goes on. It's just too bad it was so predictable from today's standards.
***
Final Thoughts: I think they were really trying to ride the wave of success of 1960's Psycho, especially with that exposition-dump of a finale. Just who knew, this would be the basis of the first sequel almost two decades later...
Constantine (2005)
Constant CGI
Did a Ghost Writer this?
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I was desperate for new-to-me horror. I was literally running out of horror movies I wanted to see, but haven't yet. And then I came upon this comic-book movie promoted as horror. I guess it can pass.
When this premiered in 2005, I was in my "don't like Keanu" phase. So, I totally skipped this one. Despite it getting some kind of resurgence over the years - enough to garner a soon, long-delayed sequel, I still had little desire to see it. Since I do now love me a Keanu movie, I decided to give it a chance.
This movie felt like a part two of a trilogy with SOOO much exposition and characters. I truly felt lost in the world-building. Suffice to say, it's merely about a man cursed to Hell for attempting suicide and trying to redeem himself with his ability to condemn demons back to hell.
The special effects were laughably bad, even by 2005 standards. This was in the tradition of Spawn and that came out 8 years prior.
I did feel bad for the main character having known his fate of perishing in Hell despite his attempts to buy his way into Heaven. Yes, I know how this ended, despite literally falling asleep towards the end. In my defense, this was a rather LONG movie.
I've been told this isn't a faithful adaptation of the source material. Here's to hoping the sequel will course-correct and with modern/believable effects.
***
Final Thoughts: I didn't hate this movie nor had too many problems with it. This is usually where I'd make a top 10 list of best Keanu movies. I won't bother here as this wouldn't even crack the top 20 of his movies.
The Demon Disorder (2024)
Disorderly Conduct
Oh, When Evil Lurks, it's a chest burster.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I found another Australian horror to promote. But, barely. This is such a minor version of the great "When Evil Lurks" of 2023. I will say, though, this has INCREDIBLE special/practical effects. I will ALWAYS praise a movie that favors/uses practical over CGI. Especially, THIS well.
Two estranged brothers reunite when a family member suffers from a demon attack much like the father/head of household. This isn't a straightforward tale, but it's fairly easy to grasp. I just can't fathom these people surviving these chest-bursting demons.
I do LOVE Australian movies, especially the horror kind. SOOO many of them out there to enjoy. Problem here is, it's very self-contained. It all takes place in two locations and literally could've taken place anywhere in the world.
It's also very short - only 86 minutes, but it does feel SOOO much longer. Not much story here and yet, it's serviceable. Especially due to the effects, acting and it being well-shot. Slight recommendation.
***
Final Thoughts: Let's all support filmmakers like these. Practical effects need to be front and center. It's creative and shows heart.
Ready or Not (2019)
Super Survival Mansion Double Feature
Everyone knows your wedding day is stressful. This stressful...is questionable.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I have attempted to avoid movies I've already seen. When a friend advised he just saw this during the same week they announced a sequel, I thought: What a great double feature with "You're Next." I've only seen each once, haven't seen either for years and loved both. I was both wrong and right for that idea.
I was right for selecting two incredible movies that have now elevated from my original rating of 8/10 stars to 9/10 stars and maybe they'll reach that coveted 10/10-star rating with the next viewing. Mercifully, Amazon had them both for under $5 for purchase. I easily bought both and can't wait to watch them multiple times more.
And I was wrong to think these movies were similar. YES, they both have incredible final girls battling their way through a mansion that's six times the apartment building I live in. The similarities end there. In fact, You're Next's final girl is prepared and is a warrior. This one isn't and is just an everyday gal who mostly lucks her way out of trouble.
I digress. Ready or Not is still absolutely incredible. This creative team (writers, directors, cast & crew) all put their 100% in and we need more movies like this. Everyone showed up and worked in harmony. Of course, the absolute standouts, amongst everyone who did very well on their own, were Andie MacDowell, Adam Brody and, of course, the absolute gem, Samara Weaving.
The movie revolves around a richer than heck family who pledges newbies/spouses with "a game." If you're unfortunate to randomly select "Hide & Seek," you'll need to be hunted to keep the bloodline (and bank accounts) flowing. Or so this family truly believes. New family member/bride, Grace, disagrees.
It would've been easy writing to elevate the Final Girl to fighter. I liked how they kept her grounded and relatable. I actually didn't like the back-and-forth final act that sadly padded the already short runtime. Mercifully, it does finally end and it's thoroughly satisfying.
NO. I cannot see how a sequel could work or how this "girl" isn't in any legal trouble. I'm still Ready for what's Next.
***
Final Thoughts: Again, these two movies couldn't be tonally and plot-wise different. Still, they do make for a great double-feature. Though, I would probably reverse the order I watched them in. Begin with this great movie and end with the even better flick: You're Next. Always saving the best for last.
Smile 2 (2024)
Candid Cameras
Neither the first Smile nor the second had any right to be this good and yet, here we are again.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I rewatched the original Smile today IMMEDIATELY before beginning Smile 2 and that was a good idea since these can/should be watched back-to-back. In fact, if you have 4 hours to kill, it'd be a great double feature.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. ALL of the jump-scares in movies have been enormously effective on me when in the past, I scoffed at them. My poor friend to my left. He probably has a bunch of bruises on his arm from my jerk reactions as I lashed out from being scared.
The curse continues on... The last victim from Smile 1's week is almost up and a new unfortunate victim carries the entity through to a Lady Gaga-type superstar. Her life, and demons, REALLY take over as she plunges into madness. And she thought she previously had nothing to Smile about.
I thoroughly enjoyed this sequel. While it's not as good as the first one - the majority of sequels ain't, it's definitely for the fans of the first. As stated, these two work perfectly together and flow as if no time had passed.
Unfortunately, there were some pacing issues that caused the movie to slow down way too much - this shouldn't have been over 2 hours and some of the silly smiles weren't even creepy. Yes, I did jump a ton when the "ghosts(?)" were stalking our "hero," but they were a tad generic. And finally, despite me wishing this to be shorter and since we're basically following an unreliable narrator, I kinda wanted to see some more from the POV of the fans (or viral vids) of her many public crazy incidents.
Other than those issues, I really don't have much more negative to say here. I loved the songs/choreographed dance scenes, the drama, the lead's performance and how much we got to see her spiral out of control in the final act. Plus, if you let yourself go and just enjoy the obvious jump scares, you may have a great time, too.
Can't even imagine what they'd do for a third Smile with the way this ended. They're gonna need a bigger budget.
***
Final Thoughts: They really need to do a It Follows a Smiling Ring crossover. Feels like these movies all share the same universe.
Mr Crocket (2024)
A Nightmare in Mr. Crocket's Neighborhood
Discount Freddy wants to be your friend to the end!
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024 we have Mr. Crocket, a very bland supernatural TV host who only wishes to protect kids from their bad parents. Too bad he only has a fraction of charisma Richard Pryor had. (Yes, he reminded me of the late, great Pryor.)
This is another movie that's trying to cash-in on nostalgia. Yesterday, for Ahhctober 2024, I watched Deer Camp '86 that obviously took place in the mid-80s but barely put any effort into that illusion. This one, a decade later in 1993 and the only thing tying it to that year was VCRs.
I didn't mind this supernatural horror. It's campy and, at times, pretty gory. Plus, SOME of the jump scares, even when I forecasted their arrival, were effective. And it's harmless/leave your brain at the door, horror fun. The unfortunate thing was, again, Mr. Crocket's a pretty mid villain.
Anyone can see the Freddy influences and everyone can see Robert Englund's a bucket-full more effective than Elvis Nolasco playing the title character here. Additionally, I sincerely doubt the kids these ages would've been so enthralled in this Blues Clues/Pee Wee's Playhouse downgrade.
Still, overall, it's inoffensive fun. Watch for some good gore and bad parents getting their due.
***
Final Thoughts: I kept thinking Five Nights at Freddy's even though it's only a slight carbon copy. I can see the influences, but it's not even at FNAF-levels.
Deer Camp '86 (2022)
Deer John-Boys
Sooo not sure why this Cabin in the Woods took place in 1986 if not to cash-in the 80s nostalgia craze. Really nothing about this felt 80s.
Continuing into Ahhctober 2024, I had a BLAST here. It was equally hilarious and felt so slasher in the woods, even though barely any slashing takes place for a very long time.
All-around Weekend-Deer Hunters stop at a bar first and when the most interesting character gets killed, the rest of the clan are targets. A little exposition is explained - just enough to get back to the boys being so-to-be slaughtered boys.
Aside from some TERRIBLE explosion CGI, most felt like great practical effects. This all felt VERY low-budget and at the same time, felt very well-acted/well-shot. I really had a blast here and I'm glad I found this gem.
Just no need to set it in 1986 except for the racism/no cell phones, etc. Heck, how it ends, that's all irrelevant anyways.
***
Final Thoughts: For me, personally, it helped there was a cute (and most hilarious character) bear, a gorgeous Latino and a Pretty Boi. I wonder if this is what's it's like to hunt with friends. You know, aside from the stalking undead Native American killer.