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The Franchise (2024)
A few minutes in, you know it's unwatchable.
The gang's all here... all those familiar faces you remember from previous incestuous and unfunny shows, scratching each other's backs and providing work for one other. An enthusiastic review in the Guardian - I should have been warned. It's Ianucci doing his "suck up to the American market" thing again (there's a Thanksgiving joke in the first couple of minutes) with loads of esoteric industry references that 99% of viewers won't get. It's a giant comedy industry circle jerk. There are so many people in that industry now making a fantastic living just because they went to school with the right people. It's depressing.
Early Doors (2003)
Royle Family in a Pub
Yet another from the "say it in a northern accent and it must be funny" school. Offensive garbage, Cash riding on the coat-tails of the Royle Family (which I found equally obnoxious). From the gentle acoustic theme tune to the vacant, dull witted speech pattern of the young girl, it's a Royle Family tribute act, and not a very good one at that. The two police officers who have a pint in the kitchen - we get it, they don't like doing any work. The miserable old guy - we get it, he's a miserable old guy. And so it goes on. The women folk upstairs (one of whom actually has a Yorkshire accent) are occasionally inserted to make their asinine observations - "Ee, I thought he were one o' them gays" - which, because they are recited in the voice of Ena Sharples, have us falling about and saying "Just like our house! Our Nan was just like that!" The likes of Cash, and Aherne before him, would have the rest of the country believe that northerners act and speak like they have been stunned with a baseball bat.
I blame Peter Kay.
Ellie & Natasia (2019)
Another roaring success for the Beeb's diversity programme.
My God, words almost fail me. This is so bad... But that is completely to undersell just how embarrassing and shameful this programme is. Is somebody at the BBC going out with a giant butterfly net catching posh girls and forcing them to write "comedy"? Because it seems like nobody involved with this production had ever heard a proper joke in their lives. Could daddy not have got them a job down at the hedge fund factory or wherever he works? There is so much of this kind of diversity-hire flimflam on the BBC now. Watching "Live at the Apollo" is akin to being beaten on the head with a mallet for an hour. This dreck is more like an axe than a mallet.
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Ken/Kendra (2024)
Lifestyles of the Smug and Privileged
This is by far the worst episode ever. I have defended Curb from all the recent attacks, claims that it has deteriorated beyond repair and is at the end of its shelf life. I can see where people are coming from now.
The scenarios are now so tired, predictable and contrived, and the circle jerk of guests gets wider and wider (Springsteen in this episode, for God's sake). You could tolerate the bad acting and wooden direction when it was funny. Take away the humour and all that's left is an embarrassing mess. And how do they get away with always depicting Asian people in that manner? Larry is going through the motions in this final series - hope he enjoys cashing the cheque.
Tiffany Jones (1973)
Unwatchable
I didn't get far into this before, realising how bad it was, then skimmed through the rest of it to have that initial impression confirmed. It really is a cheap, nasty, offensive piece of junk. The one positive is the beauty of Miss Hempel, but neither her acting, the script, nor the people surrounding her can raise this above the level of disaster.
You may recall this kind of muck that was prevalent in the 70s - Mary Millington, Fiona Fullerton, etc. This is a prime example. The attempts at humour are sub-infantile, the nudity is unimpressive (imagine the desultory naked women from a 60s movie, like Woodstock, for example) and everything about it is simply an insult to the intelligence. I'm not surprised Miss Hempel tried to wipe it from history.
I just wish she had been successful.
Prospects (1986)
The Poor Man's Minder
A bit late to the minder/only fools and horses party, this is a desperate attempt to get in on the act.
Positives first: it's wonderfully evocative of the mid-80s - not grim and bleak in a "boys from the blackstuff" way, but has a more optimistic visual appeal, from when fashions and hairstyles were starting to improve a little. The script isn't completely bad, it's just not that great, with the occasional good line. There is loads of wonderful location filming, in a much changed London.
The trouble is, it really is a transparent rip-off of minder. Instead of the father/son, dynamic of that great show, we have two likely lads (another touchstone) of about the same age as each other. Their ducking and diving is hackneyed and uninspired - Arthur Daley cornered the market (so to speak) in dodgy products like fire damaged fire extinguishers. These guys are really in his shadow. The acting is poor - I don't wish to speak ill of the late Gary Olsen, and I have seen him do much better in other things, but his take on the geezer here is really lame. His co-conspirator, Bovell, is similarly weak.. There is what is fondly known as a "cast of characters" surrounding them, market traders, racist police, all the stock personae. It's not bad, and at only 12 episodes, worth a watch, but probably won't live up to the memories of a lot of people.
On a sidenote, the theme tune, by Ray Dorset of Mungo Jerry is wistful and evocative, as are the opening titles... A promised mood that is never delivered.
I have it on DVD and have had it for some years, but I believe it is difficult to get hold of now. This is a poor quality reproduction - in the credits, Dorset sounds like he was recorded off another TV into a cassette recorder. There are no subtitles and the dialogue is very muffled. Apart from all that...
Deadloch (2023)
I envied the guy with his privates on fire.
I admit I didn't watch much before switching off. How long do I have to hold my hand in the fire before deciding I don't like it? The first scene - a man (deceased) with his genitalia on fire. The next scene? An explicit lesbian sex scene. Subtle, ladies!
It didn't get any better. Badly made, dreadfully acted, grim looking, depressing sounding. I went to the reviews and found the 10 star people rather obsessed with the bad reviews, rather than celebrating something entertaining. It's because it's full of women! They're saying women can't be funny! Well, I hadn't even noticed the former - I don't conduct a gender-based headcount when I start to watch something - and I can't say for sure whether these women are capable of being funny, but they certainly don't show it in this. It's excruciating, like adolescent schoolkids making each other laugh with private jokes. Lots of mentions in the reviews of "Australian humour" too. Funny is just funny, it doesn't have to be regionalised. But this is not funny.
Inside No. 9: Love is a Stranger (2023)
A Date With Dullness
Very poor. This series has been running on empty for a while to be honest. What started as a serviceable if unspectacular potboiler has become a dreary succession of cliches. They seem more concerned with style over substance - re-creating tropes and references cineastes will recognise and nod at approvingly. In this episode, the "twist" is telegraphed in the opening seconds. There are some laughs along the way (e.g. The arrival of the wife), but really, when you get to the "dramatic" final line, you realise that that was the first thing they came up with, then wrote the episode around it. It's actually embarrassingly lame.
The Confession (2022)
Tell me you're a killer without telling me you're a killer.
An engrossing documentary about a case I was not familiar with that unfortunately takes the form of a giant spoiler from the opening frames.
The fact that the murderer (yes, I'm choosing my words carefully) conducts his smirking interviews from the comfort of his own home throughout rather gives away the ending. But still, the court case is reconstructed skilfully enough that you still cross your fingers and hope the jury foreperson will say the magic word - guilty.
Of course, he is found not guilty because the judge decided recorded evidence of him confessing to the crime was not admissible. (To correct a previous review - this was not the fault of the jury. Although we don't get to find out much about the conduct of court case, apart from the ruling about the recording, all they got to hear was circumstantial evidence). The judge was entitled to make this decision - in fact, I was amazed that the police operation took this form at about the same time as the Rachel Nickell/Colin Stagg case (similarly amazingly, this case is never mentioned, nor is the timeline, so we don't get to find out which honeytrap was played out first).
The husband is an obnoxious narcissist. He can't resist being in front of the cameras when a dig for his wife's body is being carried out. After the court case, he revels in a TV appearance - however, the audience tears him to shreds, while his solicitor desperately tries to stem the flow, like the little Dutch boy and the Dyke. The solicitor desperately manages to keep a straight face whilst telling us that this is an example of how wonderfully fair the British justice system is.
The killer is completely lacking in self awareness - he chuckles as he brags about getting one over on the police. He says to his "girlfriend" (actually an undercover police officer) "they've been trying to get me to crack for ages, but I'll never crack". Hardly the indignant and outraged reaction of somebody wrongly accused of the killing of his wife.
I have to mark it down to 7 because of the format, where a lot of the tension is removed. At almost 2 hours, it's possibly a little overblown as well. But if you want to know that the "fairness" of the British justice system can produce examples of grotesque unfairness as well, then this is a very illuminating documentary.
The Royle Family (1998)
Champagne socialists think they know how working class people live.
Utter dreck. Condescending, pandering nonsense, claiming to be a "realistic" look at what the little people are like as they sit on their tatty couches, watching telly and conversing in inane non-sequiturs. You just have to look at the headlines of some of the glowing reviews here to see what it is that people find funny about this - "I'm just off for an Eartha Kitt!" for example. Is that really the best we can do? Tricking someone into making a "Brew"? Wow, to think I wasted my time watching Seinfeld and Frasier when I could've been binging this. It's so horrible to look at too - we are supposed to find it funny that we, the common people, live in these grim, drab surroundings? The lead actor's past (he was involved in extreme right-wing politics) tells me all I need to know about this. An ugly man, fronting an ugly show.
Paula (2023)
Women gooood, Press baaaad
An interesting enough documentary about a fascinating, unconventionally, beautiful character. I was a fan of hers during her lifetime, though she didn't have one particular skill set - she dabbled in several things, not always successfully. She had a lot of fans, and that's where this documentary falls down slightly. She was not a victim. Yes, the tabloids did what the tabloids do (and the broadsheets joined in), but she was a popular, admired and envied girl. Some of the footage here does her no favours - her crude, childish double entendres in interviews, especially during the execrable bed interviews on the Big Breakfast, are simply embarrassing and depict her as the airhead the tabloids would have us believe she was. She made a deal with the devil, as anybody with any kind of fame does with the tabloids. Mainly, it's the men in this documentary who come off best - a glaring exception, being the holier than thou, Ian Hislop and Paul Merton on Have I Got News for You who humiliate her in a way that would be unthinkable nowadays, especially for those two self-righteous wokesters.
Robbie Williams speaks sincerely and humbly, The journalist interviewing her on the tapes that form the backbone of the documentary is sympathetic and interesting, Terry Wogan seems to have real chemistry with her, and is genuinely affectionate, and also highly amused by her. Nicky Clark makes a very dignified contribution, and the former Terence Trent D'Arby also speaks well, if slightly eccentrically. Of the women that feature, I honestly don't remember Vanessa Feltz or Grace Dent making such a staunch defence of Paula during her lifetime as they do here, nearly 23 years after her death. The message they seem to want to send is that men, and male journalists, drove Paula to her death whilst the sisterhood tried to rally around her. Dent and Feltz have never been reluctant to stick the knife into celebrities and we know that nobody tears down a woman like another woman. The lady described as a friend of Paula's, who features throughout may well have been a confidante, but seems to me like a dedicated hanger-on. So, a fascinating look at a fascinating and tragic character, and a well made document with plenty of talking points.
Mayflies (2022)
A Failure with Good Intentions
I read the book as it was centred around an all day music festival in Manchester in 1986 that I attended. Wisely, the makers didn't try to replicate that huge event but rather portrayed a smaller, more orthodox gig (still unrealistic - why can't TV and movie people get rock concerts right?).
I didn't actually think it was a great book, but the TV adaptation is worse. Understandably, as with the Manchester festival, chunks are left out - we are given glimpses of the other members of the group of friends but they are allowed to disappear without being fleshed out, or even sketched.
The two male leads are straight from central casting, and Cliche Corner. The socialist firebrand (red hair and beard!) bravely but angrily fighting his cancer. Cracking wise with the nurses while his loved ones weep nearby. The (also socialist and very comfortable and smug) bespectacled academic, scorned by the firebrand for not having cleaved to his roots (did either of them change the world in any way? I didn't see any evidence).
I was reminded of the friendly admin guy in Life of Brian handing out crucifixes and directions to the men about to be executed. "Crucifixion? Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each". The admin on Mayflies would have asked "Middle aged socialist? Good. Red hair or glasses?"
The "intense friendship" of the group is illustrated by someone every so often saying "OK. Top three De Niro movies" or similar. You know, the movie makers idea of how we plebs interact when we're in our "pubs" or wherever we go. At least we didn't get "Who would win in a fight between Dracula and an octopus?"
The story of Tully's cancer and his determination to avail of voluntary euthanasia (he's just so darn stubborn!) was interesting and raised questions, but the two dimensional characters were incapable of depicting an effective examination of these issues. Ashley Jensen is never less than good when she can prise herself away from Gervais, and Tracy Ifeachor as the girlfriend of Tully's friend Jimmy (Martin Compston) wasn't given much to do but did it well.
I don't like to slaughter it as it was a well-meaning attempt to discuss a sensitive subject, but it just didn't come off.
So, a poor TV drama from a so-so book. It could have been so much better.
Glass Onion (2022)
Knives Blunted
I watched Knives Out as homework for this. What a great movie KO is, and what a great character Benoit was in it - mysterious, inscrutable and, please note, SEXLESS. Not once did I wonder whether he had a girlfriend. But of course, in GO we discover he is gay. Why of course he is. So unnecessary and distracting.
He portrays a bumbling caricature of himself for the first half of the movie - remember his sinister plinking on the piano key in KO as the characters are interviewed and introduced to us? Here he would probably jump on the keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis.
However, we find out half way through why he is pratfalling around and yes, it makes sense. A nice, mid-movie twist. If only it had kicked on from there but instead we get a weak-kneed apology for a climax. Must do better in Episode 3.
Mammals (2022)
Too Much Blubber
I'm not surprised James Corden has been shouting at New York wait staff recently. He must have been in a really bad mood when he finished filming this. Like me, he probably thought it was going well for the first couple of episodes then realised too late he was being sucked downwards into a spiral of laughable pretentiousness, boredom and outrageous misjudgement.
As you can read elsewhere, after his wife has a miscarriage early in episode one, Corden's character discovers evidence on her phone that she has been unfaithful with multiple partners. He chooses to deal with this in the most ridiculous manner. After some time, we discover that he is - guess what - a temperamental genius chef. Cue obligatory scenes of shouting random dishes in the kitchen to a chorus of "Yes, chef! Yes, chef!" Original, what? Suddenly, a whole episode is devoted to a flashback. The backstory of the couple - and if you dosed Barbara Cartland up with a gallon of syrup, she could not have come up with a less plausible origins story for these two.
Soon we have another episode almost exclusively devoted to a fantasy sequence, apparently based on the worst movie ever made, Phantom Thread. Posh food, posh fashion - goodness me, could this series BE any cooler?
Sally Hawkins, chief protagonist in the latter sequence, is not only wasted here, but rubbish. As are most of the participants. The standard of acting is strictly school play.
In the final episode, the makers demonstrate just how little they know about creating entertainment, or art for that matter. Where the story should be reaching a dramatic conclusion, we get along interludes where people sit and talk at each other. We get a character, stumbling around drunk and high (and there are a few more boring things. Than following the progress of someone in that state) and right at the last we get ... A giant whale falling from the sky into the street. At this point, I did something I never do - I swore at the television. It really was that annoyingly bad. The only consolation was that we got to see the hilarious sight of Corden running (filmed in three meter bursts)
I had seen this advertised on social media and all the comments without fail said they would not watch anything with Corden in it. I decided to buck the trend as I thought he was great in The Wrong Mans a few years ago. Looks like that was a blip!
Mammals is truly awful. Avoid like a drunk on a railway platform.
Animals (2019)
Pigs On The Wing
Yet another movie from the much-lauded Irish film industry that thinks it's clever and edgy but is simply hackneyed and derivative. I tuned in to see the sights of my home city of Dublin but what there was of the Fair City didn't justify sitting through this utter dreck.
OMG, girls who swear, drink and drug?? FEMALES, honestly?? Haven't seen that before! Not since the last Fleabag/ Chewing Gum/AbFab knockoff anyway. Depicting them in HILARIOUSLY vulgar tableaux like studying their own urine or lying splay-legged in BIG PANTS (lol) is about as funny and intellectual as it gets - these inexplicably well-heeled gals lurch from one drink or toke to the next, spewing foul-mouthed non-sequiturs which pass for wit in the cool, Emperor's New Clothes world of Irish cinema.
Shawkat probably thought it was a good idea to attach herself to something from the land of U2, Riverdance and Linger, but her stock plummets as she plods through this morass.
Women don't need us to make a dog's dinner - sisters are doing it for themselves.
The Simpsons: The Star of the Backstage (2021)
Faeces Everyone!
There are those of us who spend our lives defending The Simpsons, saying it IS as funny as it used to be and that it should not be cancelled. We are betrayed by garbage like this. If you want to get into musical theatre, go and do it, but don't inflict your wet dreams on us.
Hightown (2020)
Rotten Fish
I love the reviewers that pride themselves on "getting it" and who look down on the "prudes" who give this a deservedly low rating. How old are you, 12? Going gaga over a bit of girl on girl action is for schoolboys. I'm a big fan of erotica but for God's sake give me a story and some decent acting to go with it. The writers of this are like the reviewers - "Whaddya think of THAT??" you can hear them say as they unfurl another tedious sex scene that contains all the raunchiness of a three-days-dead lobster. So desperate to shock are they that they forgot they were supposed to be writing a tv drama.
Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Stuck In the De-Laughtered Zone
Teeth-grindingly annoying. Williams being Williams - if you like that, first of all my sympathies, secondly, you'll love it. He spouts inanities in machine-gun fashion, as Williams is wont to do, failing even once to be funny, but what's this... everyone else on screen is falling about laughing at him! This means it must be funny, and I just don't get it! A patronising, irritating toothache of a movie.
The Long Island Railroad Massacre: 20 Years Later (2013)
A moving tribute to a brave group of people.
An excellent and moving documentary let down by a slight change of direction towards the end, when it becomes an anti-NRA polemic. Gun Control is a worthy cause, but so is organ donation, to which the family of one victim have devoted themselves. That could have been given equal airtime But it's not such a "cool" topic. Apart from that, the interviews with these brave, dignified people stood in stark contrast to the ravings of the killer in the courtroom. It was very satisfying to see his parole date of... August 6th, 2309. Too soon, if you ask me.
Bloods (2021)
Flatlined
Exactly what you'd imagine a Sky comedy to be like. You know those other sitcoms they put out over the years that never got to a second series? Well here it is again. They steal from The Office and Perp Show but somewhere along the line beat all the funny out of it. The usual deluded people who think they're cool but are in fact silly (Brent), the gauche outsider with a square hairdo from - get this - Nottingham! Whole conversations between two of the characters that are just a pale imitation of Partridge's attempted tough swearing. When oh when will we see something fresh in comedy? Not in my lifetime, I fear.
The Kate Bush Story: Running Up That Hill (2014)
Hammy Horrors
There is a fantastic story to be told about Kate Bush, possibly the greatest woman in music history. Unfortunately here we are forced to listen to it via the pretentious musings of desperate fellow musicians, each trying to outdo the other with their superlatives and non sequiturs. Elton John, Saint Vincent, Bat for Lashes, the Alan Partridge guy (who starts one of his statements with "Byron once said of Keats..." - I assume he was in character), each of them has swallowed a thesaurus and spews out the results in front of us. Just imagine 20 people all saying "And I was like, wow!" and save yourself the trouble of watching this. It was made in 2014 so one can't escape the feeling it was just an advertising puff for her Hammersmith Odeon shows.
Three stars for the Kate clips.
Arena: Remember the Secret Policeman's Ball?... (2004)
Smugness Abounds
One or two comic gems poke through, but generally the atmosphere is of self-congratulation, even in the contemporary links. The audience are laughing before the punchlines, because they know what's coming, while the performers seem more interested in amusing each other than the spectators. I'm sure it did a lot of good, which is the most important thing, but I think it did more harm than good to the cause of comedy over the years in perpetuating the middle-class, stale, and, I hate to say it, but WHITE domination of the field.
Bloodlands (2021)
Line of Doody
Sorry, I gave up less than half an hour in. Life is too short, and my TV box is too full. Let me give you a for instance. Our hero is interviewing an IRA wife. He asks her, would you believe, "Do you have a toilet?" purely so that she can snap back "No, we s*** in our hands!" That's the level of obviousness we're working with here. It looks so ugly as well, from the surroundings, to the weather, to the cast... It really is painful to look at. I won't be allowing it to hurt my eyes again.
Lock Your Door (1949)
Maybe he should have got very, very drunk...
Want to see the world's oldest man telling a rambling, incredibly non-scary story in his front room while determinedly not looking in the right camera? This is the one for you! It does have curiosity appeal - the guy was born in 1869!! That was like before the X-Factor started!
But seriously, a very interesting guy but the format is so creaky and the material so mild and unthreatening, "interesting" is the most you can say about it.
The Sex Victims (1973)
If you go down to the woods today...you'll be bored stiff.
Astonishingly bad. Amazing that someone actually thought this was acceptable and allowed it to escape out into cinemas as a supporting "short" (not short enough) in 1973.
It looks like it was made in summertime so while Sunderland fans were celebrating their FA Cup win a 70s misogynist and borderline rapist was chasing a page three girl, interminably through a forest in Surrey. It does earn a star for the glimpses of the Orchard truck-stop café, which seems to be still going and garnering good reviews.
First of all there is a huge spoiler in the IMDB synopsis, so I won't hold back here. I am most certainly no snowflake but the values exhibited in this dross are really Neanderthal.
From a technical point of view, this mess is all over the place. For instance, the glamorous pedestrian in the opening scenes who scratches her backside right in front of the camera (how that must have looked on those big 1973 cinema screens) then casually climbs into a lorry, never to be seen again. Who was she? Why was she? The pacing of the movie (let's call it a movie, at a very long 37 minutes) is woeful, as though it were directed by a hyperactive child who got tired half way through and decided to pad it out with the longest chase scene since The French Connection - except here it's a blonde in 70s lingerie (no thanks) on horseback being inexplicably pursued by a lorry driver with an aversion to motorways and a love of narrow forest roads.
A soothsaying tramp turns up and seems to know a lot about our protagonist, but his mind is full of naked horsewomen and his suspicions remain dormant. He visits some stables where he encounters ANOTHER blonde (or is it the same one? We may never care) to book a midweek horse ride. As you do. This being the Seventies, he feels obliged to sexually harass the proprietress, invading her personal space, mauling her face and hitting her with a riding crop (she actually corrects him when he calls it that, but I don't remember what it was actually called). Then, either losing interest or realizing he doesn't have the capability, he suddenly moves on from his molestation of this very tolerant businesswoman.
Whilst out riding he spots the (now semi-clad) horsewoman (of course) and the long, tedious chase, on horseback and then on foot, ensues. He actually catches her a couple of times but she gets away, and at other times he's within grabbing distance but slows to a jog so that she can accelerate away. Again, like the dog chasing the car, he probably wouldn't know what to do if he caught her.
WHY is he chasing her? Why has he elected himself the arbiter of all that goes on in the woodland, the enforcer of dress codes? Anyway, he does catch her, wordlessly grapples with her and gives her a conveniently knicker-showing fireman's lift and before we know it she is happily succumbing to his Yorkie bar-fuelled advances.
No sooner has Nirvana been reached than she is demanding he bring his mate next time. He does (it's Brian out of New Tricks - but with hair! Lots of it!) but far from a willing blonde, they find coppers behind every tree! "It took you long enough!" says the main man, a detective. What...they were hiding behind trees ever since the girl was murdered (which we are led to believe was months before) because of the famous adage that the killer always returns to the scene of the crime? Well I bet they were queuing up for that detail! The overtime's good but by heck it gets boring! So with God knows what evidence ("found wandering in a wood hoping for a threesome") they are thrown in a police car and driven off. The girl was an apparition. The stables were an apparition. Was the horse from those stables that he chased her on for an age an apparition? The tramp was an apparition. Fin.
Like most "so bad they're good" movies, it's actually quite boring when you have to sit through it (see also Plan 9 From Outer Space - hilarious to talk about and watch clips of but goodness, what a drag). That's the main takeaway from The Sex Victims (who are the sex victims? The men who end up in chokey or the girl who ended up choked and the stable owner?) - for all the humorous aspects it's just plain boring and dreadfully made.