Reviews
The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling (1997)
Absolutely fabulous!
If you like this sort of thing (and I do), you should love this. The English countryside is glorious, the costumes are wonderful, and the view of society is far more realistic (gritty...and bawdy) than you'll find in the A&E adaptations of Jane Austen's works. Nothing against Jane Austen, mind you.
The cast is superb, particularly Samantha Morton. If you are like me, when you come to the end you'll find yourself wanting more.
It's been my experience that one can't go wrong with an A&E/BBC co-production, and this version of Tom Jones certainly lives up to that rule.
Rosetta (1999)
Compelling
The camera work was often a little irritating, although it didn't really bother me THAT much. While the story of Rosetta is indeed depressing, I found it to be compelling, and despite the sometimes nauseating camera work, at no point did I want to give up on the film and quit watching. I wanted things to work out for Rosetta, even though it seemed doubtful that they would.
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
I mean, eh, eh?
Was this thing ever distributed to theaters or was it produced in hopes it would make it on TV as an episode of MST3K? One can only hope that the latter is true. The former is too frightening to think about, eh? Although I suppose that for a nation which foisted the likes of Alanis Morrissette and Jim Carrey upon the world, this might well pass as quality entertainment, if not art.
As for all the comparisons between Rowsdower and Joe Don Baker, I just have to add the following: this movie makes "Mitchell" look like Masterpiece Theater, and compared to Rowsdower, Joe Don Baker is the equivalent of any classically trained Shakespearean actor you'd care to name. And besides all that, Mitchell is a far more accomplished and amusing drunk. Rowsdower is just a cranky loser.
Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)
saved by the cast
Yet another cutesy collection of cliches punctuated by a soundtrack laden with hit songs and golden oldies. I guess they figure we're all a bunch of open-mouthed knuckle-draggers who wouldn't know how to react to a scene without an appropriate musical selection blaring away.
Anyway, I did find that such annoyances were negated by the delightful performance of Renee Zellweger (it doesn't hurt that she's as cute as the proverbial button!) Hugh Grant was also perfect in his role. I have always liked Colin Firth, but here I thought he was just a little too dour at times. Especially during the "I like you just as you are" scene.
One other thing I found puzzling were the references to Bridget's weight. She was fat? Sure didn't look that way to me.
Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966)
not a total loss...at least there was some cleavage
As with many cinematic stinkers, I never would have encountered this one if it hadn't been for MST3K. Perhaps in editing the movie for the show the producers had to cut out the part of the flick that explained what H.A.R.M. stood for, if such an explanation was ever given at all.
One could tell this was going to blow chunks from the tone set by the opening scene, with the elderly dude and his assistant fleeing through a culvert, being chased by a lone Soviet soldier armed with an American battle rifle (seeing as how the credits so kindly thanked Colt Firearms for the weapons used in the film, I guess I'll have to overlook that faux pas, seeing as how the mini pistol carried by the 'Agent for H.A.R.M. was so non-descript as to leave me guessing who might have manufactured it).
The rest of the movie was quite unintentionally funny, from the drunk sounding spymaster to the evil henchman who resembled Prince, to the much maligned cardigan worn by our hero Adam Chance. Although at his age, bones chill more easily, so I can understand his choice of such a sensible garment, although he could have picked a better color than that gawdawful yellow. The one shining spot in this whole mess was Eva, who, despite being a dirty commie spy, was pretty hot. I sure miss the Cold War, don't you?
The Deadly Mantis (1957)
my favourite giant killer bug movie
I'd gladly watch this one without the benefit of MST3K, as it wasn't half bad, considering the genre and era in which it was made. But then I'm a sucker for movies which open with giant maps, and story lines that offer military responses to life's problems.
To those of you who think this movie sucked, I suggest you view "Beginning of the End," another '50s era bug spectacular, this one featuring Peter Graves vs. a giant mutant grasshopper. I think after that you'd agree that the Mantis wasn't so bad.
The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
sure it sucked, but it was fun
This movie is almost as much fun for the way it was cast as for the unintentional humor rendered by its sheer cheesiness. You've got at least one husband and wife, plus a father and son, starring in this thing, not to mention the incomparable Alan Hale, Jr., who shall be remembered and loved for all time as "The Skipper" (during one of the opening scenes, Alan even gets to greet one of the younger characters as "little buddy").
Despite the low production values, bad script, etc., you've gotta love it. Especially if you see this film as an episode of MST3K. Which is probably the only way you'd want to see it, to be honest.
Mission to Mars (2000)
Could the future be so bleak?
If this film is any indication, the most positive thing about the future is that people will still be listening to Van Halen in the year 2020. I guess rock 'n roll will never die after all.
It's really too bad MST3K is no longer around. They could have had fun with this movie...
The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
this film will really make you think...
Maybe health care reform wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. The film starts off with a lovely operating room scene where our hero, after arguing with his fellow doc and Dad, proceeds with a risky and bizarre procedure on a hapless patient. Sure, it works, but at what cost? Like this particular maniacal medical practitioner needs any extra encouragement to continue down his unorthodox, unethical, and just plain unsavory path. BTW, we also learn during this opening scene that he's responsible for making off with all the missing limbs from amputations, which he's been using in his little experiments. Dr. Mengele, eat your heart out.
Not surprisingly, the movie goes downhill from there. Seeking a bit of R&R, our hero drives out to the country with his plucky finacee in tow. In his haste, he manages to run the car off the road, and wouldn't you know it, as a result of the accident his lovely wife to be loses her gosh darned head. Oh well. Luckily he is well schooled in the ways of mad science and has a nice panful of revitalizing neck juice in which to keep the head alive and well until he can, you guessed it, find a suitable 'donor' body.
As an MST experiment, it makes for some good entertainment. I wouldn't care to watch it on its own, however.
The Thing That Couldn't Die (1958)
a genuine cinematic tray-sure!
This one was a laugh riot as an MST experiment, but even without Mike and the Bots, it would be a hoot. If you disagree, just name one other film that brings together the following diverse elements: water witching, a beatnik artist, a big dumb farmhand, an oily amoral farmhand (who ironically happens to be one of the most well-mannered peepers you'd ever want to meet), traderat archaeology, trigger-happy cops, and the strong suggestion of geriatric sexcapades, among other things.
And why this film never won an Oscar for Best Use of a Hatbox is beyond me.
Revenge of the Creature (1955)
an important lesson for us all
No, the lesson is not that we shouldn't mess with Mother Nature (or more specifically, her sometimes less than civil creatures), but that sexual harrassment isn't funny! And it's against the law!
A group of kindly humans travel to the steaming jungles of South America, travelling up a seldom filmed backwater of the Amazon in search of the Gill Man, so that they might show him a better life in a pristine, sanitary tank (with windows in the side for gawking) at a marine park in sunny Florida. As you might expect, the ungrateful Gill Man proves to be nothing but trouble, and in time, he lavishes his unwelcomed attention on a pretty young thing who has already been marked as the territory of John Agar. Conflict ensues, with a resolution as predictable as the tides. But what else is new?
Morozko (1965)
weird, but fun
Yeah, this movie was weird, and full of all kinds of strange cultural stuff that made little or no sense, but hey, that goes with the territory when you watch something FOREIGN. Which is half the fun.
It was also interesting to learn tidbits about rural life in Russia. Before watching this film I had no idea that when preparing to meet potential husbands, girls would don clown makeup and a Burger King crown. I also liked the self-propelled pig sled. I'm sorry to say we never had those when I was growing up in Amerika. But, if that's the price for winning the Cold War, so be it. I doubt the pig sled could outrun a snowmobile anyway.
Squirm (1976)
neither the South nor worms deserve the rap they get
This movie could easily be mistaken for a piece of anti-Southern propaganda. I don't think there were any negative stereotypes about the South and Southerners that got left out. Tack on some stuff about angry killer worms (which are an easy enough target, I suppose...being slimy and all not many people cotton to 'em) and it provides a thin disguise for this exercise of regional bigotry. For shame. Can't we all just get along? Mint juleps all around, yawl. Take yer shoes off and sit a spell...
On the other hand, I doubt the producers could have found a more annoying geek to portray the sole northerner (or Yankee) in this film, so I guess it all balances out...except for the anti-worm angle. But, they were just going to wind up as fish bait anyway, so I suppose indifference to their plight is understandable.
Hope Floats (1998)
a real sleep inducer
Like so many movies today, this one was really more of an excuse for a soundtrack than anything else. But then I suppose the snooty, self-important Hollywood execs honestly don't think anyone would know how to react to a scene without a relevant hit song to indicate the proper emotional response.
Then there's the plot...like we haven't seen this kind of slop before. And of course there's the whole cutesy/eccentric small-town thing, like that's a new device as well. But if it's a cure for insomnia you're after, this one should do the trick after a few short minutes. Just make sure to keep the sound at a low level, lest you be awakened by one of the louder moments in the soundtrack.
Hobgoblins (1988)
it's still better than "Invasion of the Neptune Men"
Yeah, it was bad, but I can think of a lot of movies that were worse...many of which even had BUDGETS. Clearly, if one were to compare "Hobgoblins" with say, "The Postman"...well, you get the picture.
Despite its rank cheesiness, it made for a memorable episode of MST3K. Who could ever forget the riveting Club Scum scene? It's been a few months since the last time I've seen it, yet I still sometimes find myself laying awake at night trying to figure out what that rockin' band was singing about...was it "fish picker," "pig licker," or maybe even "pig liquor"? Which begs the question, who would distill pig liquor anyway...and why would anyone want to?
Werewolf (1995)
match the actors with their native countries and win a prize!
Yeah, this movie was bad, but compared to "Invasion of the Neptune Men," it looks like "Citizen Kane."
The most challenging (and irritating) thing I noticed about this movie, was trying to figure out the accents of some of the actors. It's almost as if this one was cast by the INS or something. But whatever aggravation I felt was more than soothed by the always sensational onscreen presence of Joe Estevez. Enough said.
The Leech Woman (1960)
they sure don't make them like this anymore...
Well, actually they DO, but nowadays such flicks go straight to video or cable...and nowadays they'd be sure to include plenty of gratuitous nudity.
Anyway, I liked this one. Even though I saw it as an episode of MST3K, it reminds me of all the old b&w sci-fi/horror movies they used to show Sunday afternoons on TV when I was a kid. It's just too bad this was made before product placement became so important to the industry. They could have made a fortune off the major distillers.
This movie had a good story, with a good moral; it showed the consequences of misdeeds and binge drinking, and taught us all just how very precious our pineal juice is. What more could you want in a motion picture!
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
painful is a good one-word review for this movie
Even as an episode of MST3K, this one is very hard to watch. As a matter of fact, of all the "experiments" I've witnessed, I would have to say that only "Invasion of the Neptune Men" induced more agony.
One curious thing about this film: Merlin isn't the only one who appears to have dabbled in time traveling - the whole damn MOVIE seems to have gone back in time, as the second half looks like it was right out of the 70s. Very disturbing...especially if you've had a few too many beers.
Armageddon (1998)
you want artsy fartsy? try the Sundance Festival
I suppose for those inclined to do so, it is just too easy to rag on Armageddon. But you know, I somehow doubt the makers of this film were out to win Best Picture or create a cinematic legend. Instead, they simply churned out a good piece of entertainment. To that I say, bravo.
Unlike the other asteroid movie, this one wasn't a yawner full of soggy sub-plots. Although I will grant you, Armageddon would have been MUCH better if the nauseating scene featuring Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, and the unnatural use of animal crackers had been left on the cutting room floor.
When I watch an asteroid movie, I want to see stuff get blown up. And boy does it ever. I also found the cast enjoyable, and there was a lot of good lines and humor. So maybe it's not going to go down in history as a cinematic classic, but it's fun, and that's enough.
Track of the Moon Beast (1976)
Do not attempt to view this except as an episode of MST3K
This movie is not the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen, but it's definitely in the running. You've got a "leading man" who sounds like he's reading his lines (and not very well, either); his love interest, who looks like she's seen better days (like maybe 10 years prior to the filming of this stinker); and a supporting cast of various other bad actors. The best performance in the movie comes from the dude who plays Johnny Longbow, who is at his very best as he so ably recites the ingredients of his authentic Indian stew. Damn, he's good.
The moon beast was pretty funny...and it bore an uncanny resemblance to the alien creature known as the Gorn, the big lizard dude Captain Kirk had to fight at the behest of the Metrons. Anyway, the final scene was a hoot. After getting hit with Johnny Longbow's special arrow, the moon beast seemed like it was trying it's best to give us a demonstration of robot dancing, or something.
Given the MST3K treatment, it made for some good entertainment. On it's own, it might induce one to put a brick through the TV.
Final Justice (1984)
Mitchell in Malta!
This would have worked a lot better if it had been made as "Mitchell in Malta." At least then we would have been spared the sight of Joe Don Baker running around an otherwise scenic Mediterranean locale clad in that ridiculous looking cowboy outfit...not to mention acting like an Old West gunslinger. Mitchell being Mitchell, the film wouldn't have suffered from a lack of gratuitous police brutality either. Oh well. At least the comic comments of Mike and the Bots made this enjoyable fare as an episode of MST. I can't imagine watching it on it's own, however.
Space Mutiny (1988)
what continuity!
Like many others, I saw this film as part of an episode of MST3K, for which it made excellent fodder. As grist for the humor mill, Space Mutiny is a classic. I particularly liked its nonchalant attitude toward continuity, best demonstrated when one of the bridge personnel (Lt. something-or-other) was killed, and then in the very next scene she was back at her post.