- Ki-taek: [to his son] You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan. No plan at all. You know why? Because life cannot be planned. Look around you. Did you think these people made a plan to sleep in the sports hall with you? But here we are now, sleeping together on the floor. So, there's no need for a plan. You can't go wrong with no plans. We don't need to make a plan for anything. It doesn't matter what will happen next. Even if the country gets destroyed or sold out, nobody cares. Got it?
- Ki-taek: They are rich but still nice.
- Chung-sook, Ki-taek's wife: They are nice because they are rich.
- Ki-taek: Rich people are naive. No resentments. No creases on them.
- Chung-sook, Ki-taek's wife: It all gets ironed out. Money is an iron. Those creases all get smoothed out by money.
- [last lines]
- Kim Ki-woo: Dad, today I made a plan - a fundamental plan. I'm going to earn money, a lot of it. University, a career, marriage, those are all fine, but first I'll earn money. When I have money, I'll buy the house. On the day we move in, Mom and I will be in the yard. Because the sunshine is so nice there. All you'll need to do is walk up the stairs. Take care until then. So long.
- Ki-taek: [message to Ki-woo] Perhaps you, if no one else, will be able to read this. You were a Scout, so I'm writing this just in case. Have your injuries healed? I'm sure your mother is plenty healthy. I'm doing fine in here. Though thinking of Ki-jung makes me cry. Even now, what happened that day doesn't seem real. It feels like a dream, and yet it doesn't. That day as I went out the gate, I suddenly knew where I needed to go. A house where such a grisly thing took place would surely not be easy to sell. I've struggled to hold on in this empty house. Still, thanks to the house being empty - what was her name, Moon-gwang? - I was able to give her a proper send off. I hear treeside burials are trendy. So hell, I did my best. Those real estate sharks sure are clever. They duped some people who had just arrived in Korea and managed to sell the house. With the parents working and the kids attending school, the family is usually out. But the damned housekeeper stays here 24 hours a day. Each time I go upstairs, I take my life into my hands. And it turns out Germans eat more than just sausage and beer. What a relief. Passing the time down here, everything starts to go hazy. Today at least, I was able to write you this letter. If I send out the letter this way every night, maybe someday you'll see it. So long.
- Kim Ki-woo: [narrates] Opening my eyes for the first time in a month, I saw a detective who looked nothing like a detective. Then the doctor who looked nothing like a doctor spoke. Even when I heard how much Ki-jung bled that day... even when I heard the words "forgery", "trespassing", "foul play", "murder", and that we were lucky to get away with probation... even when I finally got to see Ki-jung's face, I kept laughing. Though when I went back and watched the news reports, I didn't laugh.
- Ki-taek: Acting is one thing. But this family is so gullible, right?
- Chung-sook: Especially the Madame.
- Ki-taek: You said it. She's so naive and nice. She's rich but she's still nice.
- Chung-sook: Not "Rich but still nice." Nice because she's rich, you know? Hell, if I had all this money, I'd be nice too!
- Kim Ki-woo: [narrates] Actually, Mom and I had no idea where Dad was. But those detectives still wore themselves out following us. Eventually the news went quiet and after the surveillance stopped, I started going up that mountain. From up there, you have a great view of the house. That day, despite the cold. I felt like staying longer.
- Kim Ki-jung: [about Moon-gwang] She may look like a sheep, but inside, she's a fox. Sometimes she acts like she owns the house.
- Kim Ki-woo: Right. Of all the people in that house, she's lived there the longest. She was housekeeper to the architect Namgoong, but then she went on to work for this family. When the architect moved out, he introduced this woman to Park's family, telling them, "This is a great housekeeper, you should hire her".
- Chung-sook: So she survived a change of ownership.
- Kim Ki-woo: She won't give up such a good job easily.
- Kim Ki-jung: To extract a woman like that, we need to prepare well.
- Kim Ki-woo: Right, we need a plan.
- Park Da-hye: [cut to a scene with Ki-woo and Da-hye] I want to eat peaches. I like peaches best.
- Kim Ki-woo: Why not ask for some?
- Park Da-hye: No peaches at our house. It's a forbidden fruit.
- Kim Ki-woo: [cut back to the Kims; referring to Moon-gwang] So according to what Da-hye told me, she's got a pretty serious allergy to peaches. You know that fuzz on the peach skin? If she's anywhere near it, she gets a full body rash, has trouble breathing, asthma, a total meltdown!
- [Moon-gwang falls sick after Ki-woo puts peach fuzz on her]
- Ki-taek: Anyway. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but her words came through clearly! So I couldn't help but...
- Kim Ki-woo: Cut, cut! Dad, your emotions are up to here. Bring them down to about there.
- Ki-taek: So I couldn't help but overhear...
- Kim Ki-woo: Keep it focused!
- Ki-taek: [to Mrs. Park] What I'm trying to say is... it's just that, your housekeeper's voice is quite loud, you know?
- Park Yeon-kyo: I understand, it's all right. Just tell me, okay?
- Ki-taek: She said she got diagnosed with active tuberculosis and she was practically shouting over the phone, so upset she could barely control herself!
- Park Yeon-kyo: Tuberculosis? Come on...
- Ki-taek: It's true, she phoned someone saying she had active TB.
- Kim Ki-woo, Park Yeon-kyo: Do people still get TB?
- Kim Ki-woo: [cut back to the Kims] Dad, back in the day, people used to buy Christmas Seals, right? Feels like a bygone era.
- Ki-taek: [cut back to Ki-taek and Mrs. Park] But I saw it on the internet. Korea has the #1 rate of TB of all the OECD countries.
- Kim Ki-woo: [cut back to the Kims] But she's still working, as if nothing's wrong - with a kid like Da-song in the house.
- Ki-taek: [cut back to Ki-taek and Mrs. Park] So you've got a young kid like Da-song in the house, and a TB patient is doing dishes, cooking, spraying spittle...
- Park Yeon-kyo: Stop it, please!
- [cut to the Kims putting peach fuzz on Moon-gwang, causing her to fall sick again, and Ki-taek using chili sauce to fake Moon-gwang's blood]
- Moon-gwang: [Impersonating a North Korean news anchor] Today our beloved great leader Kim Jong-un, after witnessing the charlatan family video, was unable to contain his shock and fury at their wicked, despicable provocation!
- Geun-se: I've missed your jokes, honey!
- Moon-gwang: Therefore, our great leader in this age of denuclearization has commanded the nation's last remaining nuclear warhead be driven down the throats of this wicked family!
- Geun-se: No one can imitate North Korean news anchors like you!
- Moon-gwang: With their stinking guts serving as the last nuclear graveyard, our dear Leaders wish to denuclearize and bring world peace... Hands in the air, fuckers!... Higher! you scumbag family!
- Kim Ki-woo: [referring to a forged document that falsely shows that he is a college student] I don't think of this as forgery or crime. I'll go to this university next year.
- Ki-taek: So you've got a plan!
- Kim Ki-woo: I just printed out the document a bit early.
- Park Yeon-kyo: [referring to an abstract painting by her young son] Da-song is an artist by nature. Look at this painting.
- Kim Ki-woo: It's so metaphorical. It's really strong.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Strong, right? You've got an eye for this.
- Kim Ki-woo: It's a chimpanzee, right?
- Park Yeon-kyo: A self-portrait.
- Kim Ki-woo: Sure enough! The perspective of a young artist eludes understanding. Or perhaps it's Da-song's expressive genius...
- Min: [giving a stone as a gift] My grandpa has collected scholar's rocks since his cadet days. Now the annex, the study, every room in the house is filled with these things. But this stone here is said to bring material wealth to families...
- Kim Ki-woo: Min! This is so metaphorical.
- Ki-taek: For sure. It's a very opportune gift. Please relay our deepest thanks to your grandpa.
- Chung-sook: [complaining about the gift] Food would be better.
- Kim Ki-woo: [suggesting an art teacher for Yeon-kyo's son] Someone just came to mind. What was her name? Jessica! Right, Jessica... She was in the same art school as my cousin. What was her Korean name? Anyway, after studying applied arts at Illinois State University, she returned to Korea.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Illinois... tell me more.
- Kim Ki-woo: Her teaching is unusual, but she knows how to handle kids. She's got a special reputation in her field. But even though her methods are unique, she can help kids get into good art schools.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Now I'm really curious. What is she like?
- Kim Ki-woo: Would you like to meet her? Though I heard she's in high demand...
- Kim Ki-jung: But isn't an older driver better?
- Park Yeon-kyo: That's true. They drive better, have better manners.
- Kim Ki-jung: My father's brother had a driver just like that. Mr. Kim. He was so congenial and nice. I used to call him Uncle when I was young.
- Park Yeon-kyo: You know a man like that?
- Kim Ki-jung: Yes, he was so mild-mannered. Oh, but my relatives relocated to Chicago. I wonder if Mr. Kim's free now?
- Park Yeon-kyo: I'm really interested! Could I meet him?
- Kim Ki-jung: Really?
- Park Yeon-kyo: I don't trust anyone now. I only trust someone recommended by a person I know well. But if you've known him so long, I'd feel much more at ease.
- Kim Ki-jung: Do you really want to meet him?
- Park Yeon-kyo: I'm deadly serious. This chain of recommendations is best. How should I describe it? A belt of trust?
- Park Yeon-kyo: Jessica, the last time you came, our driver gave you a ride, right?
- Kim Ki-jung: That's right.
- Park Yeon-kyo: This may be an odd question, but nothing happened then?
- Kim Ki-jung: No, he was very nice. I told him to go to Hyehwa Station, but he insisted on driving me home.
- Park Yeon-kyo: That jerk! He took you home late at night? Revealing where you live?
- Kim Ki-jung: No, I got off at Hyehwa.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Oh, good girl. Very good. Jessica nice...
- Kim Ki-jung: Did something happen with him?
- Park Yeon-kyo: He won't be working for us any more. A slightly shameful incident.
- Kim Ki-jung: What incident?
- Park Yeon-kyo: Oh, you don't need to know.
- Kim Ki-jung: But I'm surprised. He was so gentlemanly and cool.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Jessica, you're too young and innocent! You have a lot to learn about people.
- Dong Ik: Why such a craving for braised ribs today? Our old housekeeper made delicious ribs.
- Ki-taek: The one who quit this week?
- Dong Ik: My wife wouldn't even tell me why she quit. Sure, it's easy enough to hire a new one. Still, it's a shame. She was a great housekeeper.
- Ki-taek: I see.
- Dong Ik: She kept the house in great shape, and she knew never to cross the line. I can't stand people who cross the line. Perhaps just one weak point? Eating too much. She always ate enough for two. But considering all the work she did...
- Ki-taek: Then you better find someone new. A new housekeeper.
- Dong Ik: We're in trouble now. In a week, our house will be a trash can. My clothes will start to smell. My wife has no talent for housework. She's bad at cleaning, and her cooking's awful.
- Ki-taek: Still, you love her, right?
- Dong Ik: [laughing] Of course. I love her. We'll call it love.
- Kim Ki-woo: Da-hye, you solved those later problems then went back to #24. Right?
- Park Da-hye: Yes.
- Kim Ki-woo: If that were the first question on a real exam, you'd be screwed. Look at this. Your pulse is racing. The heart doesn't lie. An exam is like slashing through a jungle. Lose that momentum and you're finished. The answer to #24? I don't care. Slashing through the exam, dominating it! That's all I care about. What you need is vigor. Vigor. Understand?
- Park Da-hye: Did you know that Da-song is faking it all?
- Kim Ki-woo: Huh? What do you mean?
- Park Da-hye: It's all a show. Acting like a genius, that 4th dimension stuff is all fake. An artist cosplay.
- Kim Ki-woo: Da-song?
- Park Da-hye: You know that thing, when he freezes and stares at the sky, as if struck by inspiration.
- Kim Ki-woo: So he's walking along, then he stares at the clouds for 10 minutes.
- Park Da-hye: So you know what I mean? He gives me the creeps. He pretends that he can't live a normal life. Makes me want to puke.
- Chung-sook: Why didn't you put up a 'No Urinating' sign? I told you!
- Ki-taek: No, signs like that just make them piss even more.
- Park Yeon-kyo: [referring to her son's artistic ability] He has a Basquiat-esque sense, even at age 9!
- Kim Ki-jung: [as fumigation is occurring on the street outside their home] Shut the window.
- Ki-taek: Leave it open. We'll get free extermination. Kill the stink bugs.
- Moon-gwang: [after capturing the Kim family on video] Are you some family of charlatans?
- Chung-sook: So, sis...
- Moon-gwang: Don't fucking call me sis, you filthy bitch! I'm gonna send this video to the madame, how about that?
- Ki-taek: No reception in the basement, right?
- Kim Ki-jung: The phone works fine.
- Kim Ki-woo: Ma'am, to be honest, the jobs we have here...
- Moon-gwang: Shut up! It's too late now! Let's all go to jail! We're fucking going down!
- Ki-taek: Lady, are you crazy? If they see that video, Mr. Park and his wife will be so shocked! What did those nice people ever do wrong? Why do this to them?
- Moon-gwang: Stop right there! Or I'll push the 'send' button.
- Da Song: [after sniffing Ki-taek and Chung-sook] It's the same! They smell the same!
- Park Yeon-kyo: What are you talking about? Go up to Jessica.
- Da Song: Jessica smells like that, too.
- Park Yeon-kyo: It's ridiculous, right? Running around, trying to please a kid. He's not some kind of prince.
- Chung-sook: He's the youngest. It's common.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Please understand. Da-song is a bit... unwell. He's receiving trauma therapy and art therapy. There was an incident.
- Chung-sook: What incident?
- Park Yeon-kyo: Sis, you believe in ghosts, too? Da-song saw a ghost in the house when he was in 1st grade. He had a birthday party at home that day. Late that night, when everyone was sleeping, Da-song crept down to the kitchen and took the cake out. The whipped cream on that cake was amazing. Even in bed, he couldn't stop thinking about it. So Da-song was sitting, eating his cake... He screamed, and I ran downstairs, and he was all... his eyes rolled back in his head, convulsions, foam in his mouth. Have you ever seen a child have a seizure?
- Chung-sook: No.
- Park Yeon-kyo: They need 15-minute treatment, or they're done for. That's the time you have to reach an emergency room, 15 minutes.
- Dong Ik: Wait a minute. Where's that smell coming from?
- Park Yeon-kyo: What smell?
- Dong Ik: Mr. Kim's smell.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Mr. Kim?
- Dong Ik: Yeah.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Not sure what you mean.
- Dong Ik: Really? You must have smelled it. That smell that wafts through the car, how to describe it?
- Park Yeon-kyo: An old man's smell?
- Dong Ik: No no, it's not that. What is it? Like an old radish? No. You know when you boil a rag? It smells like that. Anyway, even though he always seems about to cross the line, he never does cross it. That's good. I'll give him credit.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Yeah.
- Dong Ik: But that smell crosses the line. It powers through right into the back seat.
- Park Yeon-kyo: How bad can it be?
- Dong Ik: I don't know. It's hard to describe. But you sometimes smell it on the subway.
- Park Yeon-kyo: It's been ages since I rode a subway.
- Dong Ik: People who ride the subway have a special smell.
- Park Yeon-kyo: They say a ghost in the house brings wealth. Actually, the money's been good recently.
- Kim Ki-woo: If Da-hye and I marry, we can bring in actors to be my mom and dad.
- Kim Ki-woo: [pointing at Ki-jung] Look at her. She got so many jobs acting in weddings last year.
- Kim Ki-jung: I even caught the bouquet from a bitch I've never met. If you get the bouquet, they pay an extra $10.
- Chung-sook: That's how your acting got so good!
- Ki-taek: [referring to the secret room underneath the Park family's house] How can you live in a place like this?
- Geun-se: Well, lots of people live underground. Especially if you count semi-basements.
- Ki-taek: What'll you do? You don't have a plan?
- Geun-se: I just feel comfortable here. It feels like I was born here. Maybe I had my wedding here, too. As for the National Pension, I don't qualify. In my old age, love will comfort me. So please. Let me live down here.
- Geun-se: Honey, this 'send' button is like a missile launcher.
- Moon-gwang: What do you mean, honey?
- Geun-se: If we threaten to push it, those people can't do anything. It's like a North Korean rocket. A North Korean missile button!
- Park Yeon-kyo: Listen, do you know how to make ram-don?
- Chung-sook: Ram-don?
- Park Yeon-kyo: Da-song likes ram-don more than anything.
- Chung-sook: If she wanted, she'd be a fucking great con artist.
- Ki-taek: Isn't her voice tone great? Takes after me.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Anyway, ram-don as soon as we walk in, okay?
- Chung-sook: Then you're almost here?
- Park Yeon-kyo: 8 minutes, according to the GPS.
- Chung-sook: You arrive in 8 minutes...
- Park Yeon-kyo: Start boiling the water right away!
- Chung-sook: [after getting off the phone] What the hell is ram-don?
- Chung-sook: What's going on here?
- Moon-gwang: I know you must be startled. I would be too in this situation. But as two fellow workers... Right, Chung-sook?
- Chung-sook: How do you know my name?
- Moon-gwang: To be honest I'm still texting with the boy Da-song. I knew they were going camping, so I came today. I wanted to speak to you alone. Talking about. Don't worry, Chung-sook. I cut the wire on the CCTV by the gate. Nobody knows I came. Isn't that good, sis?
- Chung-sook: Don't call me sis!
- Ki-taek: [after learning that everyone in his family has the same smell] So do we all need to use different soap, now?
- Kim Ki-woo: Dad, we'll need to use different laundry soap, too. And fabric softener.
- Chung-sook: You mean doing four separate loads of laundry each time?
- Kim Ki-jung: That's not it. It's the semi-basement smell. We need to leave this home to lose the smell.
- Ki-taek: Anyway, aren't we fortunate to be worrying about things like this?
- Kim Ki-woo: Sure.
- Ki-taek: In an age like ours, when an opening for a security guard attracts 500 university graduates. Our entire family got hired!
- Kim Ki-woo: That's right, Dad!
- Ki-taek: If we put our 4 salaries together? The amount of cash coming from that house into ours is immense! Let's offer a prayer of gratitude to the great Mr. Park. And to Min! Ki-woo, that friend of yours turned into such a fine guy, and thanks to him we're all...
- Kim Ki-jung: We're the ones who need help. Worry about us, okay? Dad! Come on, Dad! Just focus on us, okay? On us! Not Driver Yoon, but me, please!
- [lightning crashes]
- Ki-taek: Awesome timing, huh?
- Kim Ki-woo: She speaks, and the lightning crashes!
- Moon-gwang: [capturing the Kim family on video] You scumbag family. Husband?
- Ki-taek: Husband.
- Moon-gwang: Wife?
- Chung-sook: Yes.
- Moon-gwang: Son?
- Kim Ki-woo: Yes.
- Moon-gwang: Daughter?
- Kim Ki-jung: Daughter.
- Ki-taek: Look kids, we made it out of there safely, right? And besides us, nobody knows what happened there. Right? So nothing happened. You understand? I've got my own plan. So you two just forget about it, okay? Let's go home. Let's go take a bath.
- Ki-taek: Ki-woo, you know what kind of plan never fails? No plan at all. No plan. You know why? If you make a plan, life never works out that way. Look around us. Did these people think, 'Let's all spend the night in a gym'? But look now. Everyone's sleeping on the floor, us included. That's why people shouldn't make plans. With no plan, nothing can go wrong. And if something spins out of control, it doesn't matter. Whether you kill someone, or betray your country. None of it fucking matters. Got it?
- Moon-gwang: Honey, that woman Chung-sook... Oh, god. What a nice person. She kicked me down the stairs. Repeat after me. Chung-sook... Chung-sook...
- Dong Ik: You still have those cheap panties? Huh? The ones Yoon's girlfriend left behind. If you wear those, I'll get really fucking hard.
- Park Yeon-kyo: Really? Then buy me drugs. Buy me drugs!
- Dong Ik: Eat this instead.
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