A Cobra Assassina

Even taking into account what obviously was a miniscule budget, one of the worst efforts I've been exposed to. In a nutshell, this is a tale of a small town under the attack of a genetically engineered, grossly oversized mutant snake (half King Cobra-half rattlesnake) that has escaped from the local laboratory. To remedy this awful situation, they hire expert snake wrangler Mr. Miyagi to corral the ferocious reptile. Honestly, Pat Morita would have won more of my respect by signing on for another Karate Kid movie. And despite the fact that both the plot and the realism are miserable, every cloud has a silver lining - this movie is so bad that laughter is all but guaranteed. That's the only reason you'll make it to the end. And if you do, there's gold at the end of the rainbow. In one of the most outstanding moments in bad movie history, the movie's final scene features one of our heroes delivering a breathtaking drop kick to the snake that is guaranteed to have you doubled over in laughter while frantically reaching for the rewind button. You've got to see it to believe it.

1) You can survive an explosion straight to your face and only suffer from a missing eye.

2) The "African King Cobra" exists, even if king cobras only live in Asia.

3) Aggression makes things bigger.

4) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can spit venom, even if both species are incapable of doing so.

5) Rattlesnakes rattle when they're hunting. Screw being silent.

6) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can make Jurassic Park Raptor noises.

7) Bullets do not affect a king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid at all.

8) A beer festival is way too important to mind the lives of innocent civilians.

9) Never trust people from you snake-hunting team, as they might mistake sleeping gas for toxic gas.

10) Expect the unexpected.

Snake movies are the worst. And this one is the equal of any. A King Cobra/Rattlesnake hybrid has escaped from a lab wrecked by two of the most insane scientists in film history. The scene was brief, but possibly the most entertaining in the film. The monstrous mutation has claimed a small, rural town as its territory. Of course they are about to have a festival a beer fest no less! And will the Mayor cancel the festival because a couple of people are killed? What do you think?

The acting in King Cobra is remedial at best. Even Pat Morita cannot make is role entertaining. The stoic Casey Fallo was a pretty good reason to keep viewing. She was nice to watch in what little she was given to do. Everyone else was just not in attendance.

Perhaps the major problem for me in the film is that a snake was able to outsmart one-and-all homo sapiens throughout most of the film. And the two ton beast seemingly appeared and disappeared with all the velocity of a mako shark. He wafted through the delicate branches of trees with the grace of a ninety pound ballerina. A trained deputy is cornered against a tree by the rampaging reptile, and she panics, seemingly forgets she has a pistol in her hand, and screams for the hero; who drop-kicks the lightnening-fast saurian without even getting bitten.

One must always suspend belief to some extent in order to enjoy a monster film. However, the director created such a "super snake", and such inept humans, that King Cobra far surpassed my ability to stretch reality.This mess eventually became boring and predictable. That is the only real sin a monster film can commit. And it is terminal in King Cobra.

But it just might be that the worst faux pas of this film was the beer recipe recited by the supposed artisan brewer. If you are able to muster the gumption to watch this snake calamity, listen carefully for it. This "master brewer" is concocting a classic American mass-produced, tasteless near beer; not a sapid, artisan brew. After all, snakes are a dime a dozen, but a really good beer is sacred.

I cannot recommend this film, unless one is in traction and cannot reach the remote. However, perhaps enough good beer could make it tolerable?

I was looking forward to seeing another "Anaconda" and what I got was instead was a laugh out of it. This movie was probably the worst horror movie I have ever seen. Reason I say this, is not because it was poorly directed or made, but because of Pat Morita's entrance into the movie. Not only did he come in after a great hour of the movie, but he came in with his jokes and his knowledge on snakes. Honestly, I don't think the movie needed a snake guy to help out, I'm pretty sure the Doctor, which was played by Scott Hillenbrand (the director, also), would know what was poisonous and what was not. I think any movie, regardless of the genre, wants to make someone their leading man in the credits like this movie did with Morita, they should atleast put him in more than 30 minutes of the movie. Nonetheless, this movie was still entertaining, not scary, but entertaining. You even get a good laugh at the end that makes you feel like you actually didn't waste the 93 minutes of watching the movie.

King Cobra

I didn't know this was a sequel to the 1997 sleeper "Anaconda" until I looked it up on IMDb. Needless to say, it's worse than the original.

"The Karate Kid" star Pat Morita (yeah, the Chinese guy) stars as a snake hunter who must track down a genetically-altered King Cobra python-whatever when it escapes its super-duper high tech prison: a tin cage. Wow, the government must really be cutting down on containment these days. Anyway, Pat goes after the snake with the help of Scott Hillenbrand (also co-director of this journey) and Casey Fallo, who do, of course, fall in love and kiss right after a snake is about to chomp their heads off. But that's okay - it's in the script.

There are countless things in this film that are truly laughable, including the scene where Pat Morita tells Hillenbrand that he injects himself with snake venom to acquire an immunity to it. You can see the regret in Pat's eyes. He knows this is a stinky movie, and he hates having to say what he's saying. He's been around in the Hollywood circuit long enough to know that saying that kind of thing can get a film - and an actor - killed. But directors can be very picky about their films. I just thought of something that rhymes with `picky,' as well.

Pat Morita is in the low-point of his career. Actually, let's face it: He doesn't have a career. He got lucky off a few `Karate Kid' movies, and his fame disappeared instantaneously. He tried to get back in the acting showbiz with `The Next Karate Kid,' but his plan backfired, and his apprentice in the film became the one to gain worldwide recognition AND an Oscar (Hilary Swank). Too bad for Pat.

Scott Hillenbrand is like scraping the bottom of the barrel. His acting talent is niltch. He can't direct or act, which leaves me to wonder...how did he get his big break? I can't imagine he gained anything from the 1997 thriller `Hostile Takeover'.

David Hillenbrand, Scott's brother, is the other co-director of this film. And quite frankly, they both share the family gene specialty, which is being manager at a McDonald's somewhere out in Oklahoma. That's their specialty, and they should stick to it.

Saying this movie is bad is like saying "Anaconda" was sort of bad. The original was awful enough, but this sinks even lower in the depths than the original.

Sure, it's great for a Friday or Saturday night when you've got nothing else to do. But in all honestly, I'd rather waste 93 minutes of my life on something good than something below-average, even if it has a campy quality to it (and not much at that!).

Worth avoiding at all costs. Well, almost all costs. It's hard to keep a straight face when Morita says he injects himself with snake poison. What a pathetic way to make the hero immune to venom. B-A-D is written all over this straight-to-video flop.

0/5 Stars -

John Ulmer