"Ben Turner is the sexiest, kindest, gentlest, most charming man I have ever met."
Jade Dunbar says this line numerous times in the middle of "Sapphire Girls", and that was truly the only funny line in this film.
We begin with said Sapphire Girls--an all-girl rock band consisting of three kooky characters--Chrystal (Elizarah) the lead guitarist, Jade (Jodie Moore) the bass player, and Ruby (Mary Carey--yes, THAT Mary Carey) the drummer. They were once a hot commodity, but now they've been relegated to menial jobs and Ruby is now banging random guys in her van (as we see at the beginning of the film). An enterprising producer, Ben Turner (Tony Brale), has offered to let the girls use his studio to record their comeback album, so off they go to his house, where they get drunk, get naked by the pool, and participate in the usual hijinks.
However, there's a fiendish plot taking place as well. Ben Turner is conspiring with a scientist, Dr. Wuhrman (Dugan Hayes, a longtime softcore regular) to create a potion that will give a person the power to control the minds of others--all it takes is a "switch", such as a snap of the fingers or a "magic word"--to turn it on. Of course, Ben plans to use it on the girls, and use their music to control the minds of everyone who buys their album, which he hopes is many millions of people.
Far-fetched storyline aside, we're really here for the sex, and if you're expecting the best, look elsewhere. The sex scenes are bogged down with a cheesy rock soundtrack and uninspiring performances. I would think that Mary Carey, being a veteran of many pornos, would at least make her sex scenes look very real--but unfortunately they're as bad as the others. Jodie Moore, an Australian-born hottie who also dabbles in porn, had a couple of decent scenes.
There's a guy who works as a gardener of some sort on the premises, but he's actually a secret spy trying to bring down Ben's operation. He asks the girls to help him as "deputy spies." A bad storyline just got worse. Let's not go any further with that, it just gets stupid later on.
Overall, this film is NOT tapeworthy, but if you're in the mood for a laugh and a fair amount of nudity, "Sapphire Girls" won't disappoint. It's not stupidly funny like "Bikini Airways" was, but it'll do in a pinch.
Women: A- (I will give this movie credit in one category--the women. Mary Carey, as bad an actress as she is, has an awesome body. It's too bad it wasn't used to its full potential in this film. Jodie Moore is great looking as well, and her Australian accent was a big plus. Nicole Oring, playing Ben's hot Asian assistant, was great also.)
Sex: D+ (Lower the volume on the stupid music, please. It detracts from the sex going on. A couple of the scenes were okay, but overall they were pretty by-the-numbers and uninspiring.)
Story: D (I'm being VERY generous by giving this movie a D in this category. The plot was way out there to start with, but at least it didn't end in a stupid fashion. The girls singing a lullaby to put everyone to sleep at the end was pretty funny.)
Overall: D (Since the "Women" grade and "Sex" grade are of equal weight, they end up cancelling each other out. If this is the best Silhouette Entertainment can come up with, they might as well close up the studio right now. It was funny in spurts, and the women were nice looking, but the sex looked fake and it didn't seem like the people involved were "into it." On any given night, if this is the only softcore film on, by all means watch it. But if you've got other choices, go there first.)
