Snake Eater III: His Law

SNAKE EATER III: HIS LAW is the final part of the B-movie trilogy and the good news is that it's the same quality as the second instalment rather than the awful first. The focus here is on fight action, with Lorenzo Lamas returning as the renegade cop, this time hunting down the members of a biker gang responsible for brutalising a young woman. The dialogue is ripe and the performances riper, with larger-than-life characters like Goose commanding the viewer's attention. Thankfully, to take our minds off the inanity of it all, there's a wealth of fun action sequences to enjoy that increase in ferocity as the running time progresses. Cheap but fun fare.

Lorenzo Lamas returns in his last go around as Soldier, this time the renegade cop takes on a gang of bikers who have caused trouble for suburban families. This time he's aided by Minor Mustain nicknamed "The Cowboy" This one is easily the weakest of the series, only because there isn't enough of the crazy ridiculousness of parts # 1 and 2. There are some shootouts but these are generally one sided and the bikers provide lame fodder for the vigilante and his Cowboy partner. Although the film starts of blissfully stupid enough, with Lorenzo Lamas pretending to be a robber, while another guy robs some place. (I think it was a store) Of course this then gives way to a moronic story with bikers doing things that only the wimpiest bikers do. Indeed if you want a good biker flick, check out Stone Cold for sheer fun ridiculousness. Snake Eater III:His Law is a sub par effort which is as terrible as what you would come to expect from Lorenzo Lamas.

*1/2 out of 4-(Poor)

My movie group is a huge fan of the first SNAKE EATER - which has to be seen to be believed but we got our hands on the third installment and watched it tonight and we were howling with laughter. Lamas again with perfect hair and dead eyes and robotic line readings. A stuntman given a chance to be his sidekick "Cowboy" gives one of the worst uncomfortable performances on camera we've ever seen - he does everything but stare directly into the camera. The outlaw biker gang is one of those movie biker gangs - so not real, so cartoonish that it is unintentionally hilarious. The former pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow gives it his all as Goose - sadly he was dead by the age of 45 after a drug overdose. The acting is so lame, the fight scenes under rehearsed, the dialogue so bad it is hysterical - everything you want in a bad movie! Highly recommended to watch with pals and booze and weed.

If you've seen any of the "Snake Eater" trilogy, you would know the following. The stories are based, well stolen, from many others. The first is an odd mix of "Miami Vice" and "Deliverance" (?)...the second is "Lethal Weapon", or any cop vs. drug world story, mixed with "The Three Stooges" and "Laurel and Hardy" (??)...and the third is pretty much every vigilante cop movie-only totally messed up. You would also know that it seems every line in these movies either makes absolutely no sense, is horribly acted, or is just plain hokey. Finally, every scene is directed with such an unmistakable ineptitude that it creates a disorientingly bizarre environment you will never forget.

This time, Mr. Eater (who has a needless other name, Solider, as well as his real name Jack Kelley) is suspended, for the millionth time, for handling a stick up in the deranged, overly violent fashion he is known for. He is hired by a family to protect their inexplicably (and unnecessarily) sex-crazed daughter...one who pulls down her skirt on first meeting with Soldier AKA Snake Eater AKA Jack Kelley. The story has no set direction and meanders into a biker gang subplot. Of course, you'll find nothing but laughs here.

Everything about this movie is laughable, including Lorenzo Lamas' signature destitute, blank performance. Eater's wingman this time is, wouldn't you know it, a deranged vigilante. The only difference between the two is that the wingman is an aged cowboy who is slightly more sociopathic in his unjustified killings. Its funny how every destructive thing Soldier accomplishes is completely not noble. He's not even an anti-hero, he's in a category all his own: psychopath wanna be anti-hero. It makes one wonder if the filmmakers and actors were trying to create something so awful that it is intentionally comical. I highly doubt it, but its a thought.

Solider Kelly is back. First he took on backwoods hillbillies and then it was drug pushers, but now its punk bikers he's waging war against. You know what else is there to do, when you constantly get put on suspension. The third entry was a vast improvement over the stupidly poor original, although I've to yet to watch the first sequel. That's not saying that this one isn't any less silly, because it has its bases cover. However it tends to be better-made, merciless and playing up its tongue-in-cheek vibe. Lorenzo Lamas in the title role is looking even more comfortable, balancing the martial arts and with rapid-fire wisecracks. Like the hilariously bad-ass opening café robbery sequence, which sees Solider being suspended for the methods he used to do his job. It wasn't by the book, but justice was served… his way "It's up to them if they wanna die". Because of this he gets the attention of some parents, who offer him a job to take revenge on a gang of outlaw bikers called Hell's Furies that kidnapped their daughter months ago where they treated her like a piece of meat. She was constantly raped and drugged, which left her in a vegetable state. So without the law on his side, he seeks help from a Private investigator / former biker friend Cowboy in tracking down this biker gang.

Low-crack, but enjoyably macho, pumped-up and over-the-top exploitative b-grade action joint that's economically directed. Where I found it hard not to like. There's a reckless formula to it all, as it has snake eater written all over it. Bar room brawls, smart-ass jibs, profane dialogues, beer sculling, low-brow sleaze, pulpy violence, unfathomable actions, exaggerated villains and you got it… elaborate booby traps. Everything about has a sense of humour to it. The funny thing is, after ridding the earth of these bikers. The girl is magically cured. No more scars and giving herself to any nearby male ("don't you wanna f**k me?")… She's sane. Only if things could be that easy. The performances are spot on. Minor Mustain stolidly wry turn suited his Cowboy character and made for good chemistry. Tracy Cook plays soldier's love interest. Then for the bikers is man-made-mountain wrestler Scott "Bam Bam" Bigelow and a mean Chris Benson as the leader of the pack. Also appearing is Walker Boone as Soldier's police Ltd.

"Who the hell is Hulk Hogan?"