Les Seins de glace

Is it me? Am I just overly cynical and jaded? Or is it patently absurd for Peggy to have ever agreed to see Francois again after they first meet, and for him to use the words "I miss you" after he's known her a total of, what, one day, and seen her twice? Moreover, while Francois is obviously written as a boorish oaf, and Alain Delon capably plays him as such, the tack is more obnoxious than it is entertaining, especially as it spills over into the broad tone of the film; I can never tell if this thriller is self-serious, or a parody. As if to emphasize the point, we're treated to a surprising amount of plot in the first quarter of the length, dispensed very casually - a narrative, with scene writing and dialogue, that's so melodramatic as to recall the most blustery B-movies of misunderstood U. S. network Lifetime. I'm not saying 'Les seins de glace' can't still be worthwhile such as it is, but however this looked when it was released in 1974, 49 years later the response it evokes isn't exactly what I think was intended.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get better. In fact, it gets much worse. The movie continues to throw ideas, story beats, and little moments at us that don't make any sense, or that pointedly confuse the tone it's trying to adopt - whatever that amorphous tone might be. I'm not impressed generally with what this pretends is "plot development"; how can I be, when I don't rightly know just from watching this what the plot even is? 'Les seins de glace' is terrible at establishing who characters are, not least those who are killed; the Who, What, Where, Why, and How are undetectable by modern science. I can't say I'm familiar with Richard Matheson's novel that this is supposedly based on, but I assume the notions unconvincingly represented here come from source material that's more solid and sensible. Presumably it's filmmaker Georges Lautner, directing from his own adapted screenplay, who has minced 'Someone is bleeding' into a form that rather comes across as a series of empty images and half-baked thoughts. Or maybe Matheson is responsible after all, and Lautner is surprisingly faithful. Maybe editor Michelle David has chopped up a cohesive, coherent tale into an indiscernible shape. I don't know. All I know is that this picture is astonishingly bad at communicating its narrative, let alone any feelings that a title of this ilk should conventionally impart. It comes close at multiple points to being laughably bad, but the storytelling is too scattered even to have fun at the feature's expense. For all this, furthermore, 105 minutes are agonizingly long, and it's impossible to care about the contributions of anyone else involved, cast or crew.

I sat to watch with no foreknowledge or expectations, as innocent as a newborn kitten. I'm altogether flummoxed by what this is. I recognize fractured pieces of what may have been a complete, compelling thriller, or alternatively, a comedy. As it stands, however, I just don't know what's going on here. I can't help but think of a remark I saw someone make, suggesting that modern audiences are too obsessed with plot and have forgotten how to just let a film be what it is, and have fun with it. Well, that sentiment is fine with action blockbusters, and flicks that are more about general vibes than a concrete plot, but if the heart and core of a film is the tale it's trying to weave, then plot is indeed essential. Suffice to say that no matter how you look at it, as far as I'm concerned 'Les seins de glace' is a hopeless mess. I will allow the possibility that I checked out too early from this hodgepodge and I never gave it a chance to recover, but even then I don't think that speaks well to the end result. I'm glad for those who get more out of this picture; I just don't know how they manage to do it. However you came across this, whatever your impetus for watching, there are countless other things you could and should be watching instead. Don't waste your time here.

It looks like an American film noir from the forties with Mireille Darc instead of Lizabeth Scott or Jane Greer and Claude Brasseur instead of Arthur Kennedy or Dick Powell. It remains French in the making, action, editing, atmosphere but remains effective, and above all dark. Brasseur is rather good in the lead male character. The director George Lautner was a great comedies specialist, but when he tried something different, he succeeded as well: LES SEINS DE GLACE, LE PACHA, LE PROFESSIONEL.... The trademark of a good film maker for me. The biggest surprise here is of course the ending that only a few could predict.

Gross dude relentlessly pursues a woman who is not interested and then ends up in the friend zone and then...come on! Gross dubbing, bad acting, terrible non-plot-no idea how anyone could rate this above a 2, tops. Creepy, icky, gross cringe nearly the whole time. If you get the chance to watch this, pass. HARD.

So many other better flicks from this era to watch instead.

When French superstar Alain Delon turned to producing his own vehicles, he opted to tackle more serious subjects (usually of some social relevance) – if, shrewdly, still within the framework of a commercial property. I recently watched him in TWO MEN IN TOWN (1973), where he played a Jean Valjean-like ex-convict hounded by a stern police inspector.

This one stays even more within the conventions of the thriller genre (it was adapted from a Richard Matheson novel) while trying to portray the genuine case history of a female homicidal maniac; unfortunately, lead actress Mireille Darc (Delon's then-current partner, with whom she was paired a number of times) isn't up to the requirements of the role, dispelling any form of comparison with Catherine Deneuve's far more successful turn in REPULSION (1965). Co-star Claude Brasseur, then, is usually a fine actor but his character here comes across as too much of a buffoon – so that he lacks the strength to adequately deploy the essential animosity towards Delon's typically suave and apparently all-powerful lawyer! Nicoletta Macchiavelli, however, scores in the smallish role of Delon's long-suffering wife; he's in love with Darc, whom he had defended while on trial for her husband's murder.

Philippe Sarde contributes the melancholy and giallo-tinged score – in fact, the film features a swift aggression in a darkened parking-lot and a couple of murders (both occurring off-screen, though we're shown their graphic aftermath). Incidentally, while the title itself would suggest an erotic thriller (of a type which would soon become fashionable in Hollywood – BASIC INSTINCT [1992], BODY OF EVIDENCE [1993], COLOR OF NIGHT [1994], etc.), nudity is only present in one scene towards the end! The finale, then, is interesting if somewhat too abrupt (not to say, melodramatic).

I was shocked to see what a low opinion users of IMDb had of this film. It has the lowest vote score I've come across! But I suppose it depends of your taste in thrillers. This is a P.D.James-type psychological thriller, where despite an overall air of menace it's hard to guess who the villains are - until the end, of course. For example, there are various tough, silent 'gorillas': are they hoodlums and hitmen (Boo! Hiss!), or are they devoted, loyal bodyguards (Hurray!)? Even when it's apparent who's been murdering folk, the puzzle of how everyone else fits into the picture remains. Claude Brasseur plays, with cheeky charm, a TV script-writer, who falls for a mysterious and beautiful blond (Mireille Darc) he finds walking on the winter beach. He is the only character free of suspicion in what follows - which I can't discuss without giving away the story. It reminded me of "After Pilkington", Simon Gray's powerful psycho-thriller, in which Bob Peck found himself similarly tied up with a mysterious (and beautiful) Miranda Richardson. In fact, both films end in the same way (as does "Of Mice and Men"); perhaps it is this ending that is not to the taste of those who gave it only one vote. If so, what would they have made of the end of "Of Mice and Men"? Give it a try, anyway; it kept me involved throughout. Not the greatest thriller, but worth more than the vote here suggests.