The Final Sacrifice

Like Crow said, I didn't think this movie was as bad as the usual fare. Still, that isn't saying much for MST3K movies. The best movie shown on MST3K is still pretty lousy. Anyway, Troy and Rowsdower make an odd pairing to say the least. I get the feeling that in real life, a guy like Rowsdower would beat the crap out of Troy and steal his money for booze. The cult was not very threatening, especially after they couldn't catch Troy in a car! I don't know how that guy who was the cult leader could talk like that. As for Mike Pipper, the man who can only be described as 'grizzled'- I was so surprised that Mike and the bots would decide that he sounded like Yosemite Sam, when he clearly sounded more like a Jim Henson character, Rowlf to be exact. This film actually had a story and some action (weak though it was), but instead of ending, it just kind of stopped. Anybody who has only this film to judge Canada by would feel exactly as Servo did in his song.

Even without the MST3K commentary (which was pee-your-pants-funny) this movie would have had me rolling on the floor with laughter. It's just that ridiculous. But for people without my warped sense of humor, I recommend ONLY the MST3K version. It's one of the best! In fact, I've been known to randomly yell out "Rowsdower!" causing any family members near by to collapse in a fit of giggles and confuse the hell out of everyone else.

I'm sharing this story just because I can: Back when I was in high school I worked at Burger King (aka the 5th Circle of Hell) and the guy who played Rowsdower came in and I took his order. He even paid in Canadian money! (We're so close to the border, a lot of businesses in town take Canadian currency) I called my sister, who also worked there, out to take a look and she swears it was him too. I wanted to get his autograph, but he was eating. My brush with greatness!

OK, hands down, The Final Sacrifice is the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. I'm still laughing every time I think of this movie, it's just, how do movies like this get green lighted? Or did the director ever stop and wonder if he was making a good movie? The acting and characters were just so unintentionally laughable, it's insane. I can't believe they gave the "hero" a name like Zap Rasdower, that's such a stupid name, but it made for a good laugh, that's for sure. The kid, Troy, looked like such a Lord of the Rings type of dork(no offense to the LOTR fans, it's cool that you like it)that you couldn't help but wanna get inside the film and knock the books out of his hands. The villain or Canadian villain Garth Vador had this ridicules voice, and were did Mike Piper get his voice? Was Yo Sammity Sam like his inspiration? This is just such a ridicules story.

Troy is looking for who caused the death of his father, he finds a map that is supposed to lead him to a lost world. But this cult lead by Garth Vador is after him and wants him dead and wants the map, but Troy outsmarts them by getting on his ten speed bike to out run them. He gets off his bike and hitches a ride with Zap Rowsdower and together they go to find out what this is all about and why Troy's father died. Maybe they can also find out why Rowswer is a... hopeless drunk.

The Final Sacrifice is one of those movies you'll never believe got made, it's just so laughable. I highly recommend the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, it's just beyond funny, I loved every moment in that episode. But I hope the director watched that episode because I wanna see a Zap and Troy spin off, that would be an awesome show with an occasional guest appearance of Mike Pipper. I smell the Emmy's coming for best new show, lol.

1/10

As far as abysmally crappy movies go, The Final Sacrifice isn't so bad. Sure, it's technically inept in just about every way, features horrible dialogue, and doesn't have a character in the entire film with a realistic name (the fact that the director signs his checks "Tjardus Greidanus" goes a long way towards explaining this phenomena), but it's got something most films in its class lack: heart. I'd say Greidanus is akin to the famous Ed Wood, in that he shows not a shred of talent but at least seemed to believe in what he did. Rather than slapping a recycled costume on an assistant director and creating yet another lame, lousy creature feature with an insipid story, he tried to create something original, new, and interesting. He failed miserably, but at least he tried.

The plot revolves around a pre-Internet nerd named Troy, who, apparently, spends his time digging stuff out of the attic that relates to his father's death somehow, stares at it for a while, and then gives up on figuring out what happened and just puts it all away again. He lucks out when a ski-masked cult randomly decides to come looking for a map that leads to a lost city, even though they could have come any time in the seven years prior but for some reason decided to let him grow old enough to somehow thwart their entire incompetent organization with the help of a beer-guzzling, mullet-endowed drifter...but I get ahead of myself.

So anyway, Troy is forced to go outside the house for the first time in a decade and somehow winds up in the truck bed of the aforementioned drifter, who manages to deliver his name, Zap Rowsdower, with a straight face. Even the nerdy kid understands how embarrassing it is to call a grown man "Zap," so he (repeatedly) refers to him as "Rowsthdower," which isn't really much of an improvement. Anyhow, some other stuff happens, involving a gray-bearded, oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-people-like-this-actually-exist-type character named Mike Pipper, who explains some less-than-interesting exposition explaining what they're up against and what's at stake--the world, of course! After looking thoroughly unconcerned, our heroes, though they couldn't pool together enough mental resources to open a can of tuna (though Rowsdower has a lot of experience opening cans...of beer...), find a way to overthrow the muscleheaded cult, defeat the villainous Satoris (a man with a voice deeper than the lead singer of Type O Negative), knock over a pole, raise the lost cardboard miniature of Ziox, and save all of Canada, acting like it's some sort of major accomplishment all the while. The movie ends with an inspiring shot of Troy and Zap in the Zapmobile, going somewhere for some reason. My bet is that it involved beer and cheese.

"Quest for the Lost City" (or "The Final Sacrifice" as it is more commonly known) features a paper thin plot apparently thought up by a third grader, stunningly icky and sometimes downright ugly characters, and not much else.

This is the story of geeky little Troy, whose dad was an amateur archaeologist who disappeared a few years back whilst seeking The Lost City! Troy finds a map to The Lost City that his dad left behind and soon, ski-mask wearing moose hunters in black tank tops and sweat pants are chasing after him with machetes. We're never really quite sure exactly why these bodybuilders don't want anyone to find out about them, but their boss Satoris - a greasy, creepy looking guy with an impossibly deep voice and a penchant for black trenchcoats and kinky riding crops - gives the orders and no one questions him. Troy hooks up with a lumpy loser name of - get this - Zap Rowsdower. What the hell kind of a name is Zap Rowsdower? I mean, if you were Mrs. Rowsdower, why would you want to curse your son further by naming him Zap, for crying out loud? But, I digress...

Zap used to be a member of the bodybuilders cult, but was tossed out by Satoris, apparently for having a stupider name than him. Zap might also know more about the death of Troy's father than he's willing to admit, but there's no time for that as Troy and Zap meet Mike Pipper, Troy's dad's old partner. Mike is a strange combination of Yosemite Sam and Jethro Tull, and although I suspect he was supposed to be the wise man of the film, filling in plot holes and offering Yoda-like advice, I couldn't stop laughing at him long enough to take him or anything he said seriously. Apparently, while I was laughing, I missed something important, because Troy is kidnapped by Satoris and prepared for The Final Sacrifice! It is now up to Zap to save him and clear his own name in the process.

Yeah, whatever.

This film might have worked better if Troy had instead been an attractive young girl and Zap had been a handsome young man with a less stupid name... and less facial hair and a better wardrobe and less body odor and...well, it would have been predictable as hell, but it would have been more interesting. I mean, wouldn't the gods that Satoris worships be a little cheesed off at being offered such a goofy sacrifice? This is clearly a family project, with the directors close friends and distant cousins trying to pass themselves off as actors, and the director himself trying to pass himself off as a director. Good gods, a full cast and crew actually wasted an entire sunny weekend making this pile of moose dung. And yet, I found myself rather amused by it all. It's one of my favorite MST3K episodes and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's the silly names, maybe it's the simplicity of the plot (which reminded me of stories I wrote when I was a dumb kid) maybe I'm secretly attracted to guys with cavernous noses and really stupid names, I don't know. But I liked it. It was just bad enough to be somewhat amusing and was kind of like watching a wrestling match filmed outdoors. I give it a 3 on a scale of 10, and I'm feeling generous today.

Watch the MST3K version if you must watch it at all.