EastEnders

I'm an American who has watched "EastEnders" on and off on my local PBS station over the last 15 years. I find the show fascinating and it's not because the plots are particularly original or the acting is so amazing. It's not the "exotic" location either, I've been to London a couple of times. No, the reason I can't stop watching "EastEnders" is because it's the complete polar opposite of an American soap opera!

On an American soap opera, everyone is attractive or at least above-average looking. On EastEnders, (although they will occasionally throw in an attractive person to confuse you, I mean is Rosie's older daughter a super-model for that neighborhood or what?) everyone is pretty much average to below-average looking. There's one character who always looks like he's in desperate need of a blood transfusion and another who is quite simply the ugliest human being I've ever seen on scripted television.

On an AS, everyone is always fashionably dressed and impeccably groomed. I don't think you ever even see anyone in the same outfit twice. While watching EE, I sometimes wonder if the actors didn't do their own hair and makeup and bring clothes from home. On second thought, most of the actors would probably dress better than their characters.

On an AS, everyone has a glamorous and/or high-profile and/or high-paying and/or highly- respected career, e.g. doctor, model, cosmetics tycoon, writer, chief of police (even if they only appear to be about 20 years-old!), etc. On EE, the characters work in stalls at the street market, in pubs, cafés, garages, and laundromats. The most successful guy in the neighborhood is the guy who owns the café.

You really can't help but feel pretty good about yourself and your life after watching EE.

There are some other characters on EE that you typically wouldn't see on an AS, like a 14 year- old (who looks like a 12 year-old) girl with a baby and a man who seems to be in at least his mid-forties who can't read or write. One nice thing is that the writers don't seem to consider people over the age of 40 too old for romance. People in their 40s, 50s, 60s and older are depicted dating and even getting married. I've laughed out loud at a few hilarious moments involving horny seniors Pat, Patrick and Big Mo.

My favorite character is Dot Cotton/Brown, the church-lady type who gets some good lines. The actress who plays her is 88 years-old and it's pretty impressive that she's still working a grueling soap schedule and memorizing tons of dialogue.

Is EE a great show? No. Is it even a very good show? No. Will I keep watching? Well, yeah. We only get 2 episodes a week in the States (we're 10 years behind the UK, episode-wise), that's not enough to kill the novelty factor. I wouldn't watch "Days of Our Lives" but I'll watch "EastEnders" and feel like a successful super-model when the end-credits roll!

BBC America runs an omnibus once a week of this popular British soap opera. If you don't get BBC America, call your cable company and ask about digital cable- it's generally only about 10 bucks more a month than regular cable, and you get more channels. That said, I was hooked from the first time I watched "EastEnders" a little over a year ago. It took a few episodes and a book ("EastEnders Who's Who", available from amazon.com)for me to catch on, but it was worth it. These characters, although sometimes predictable (cheating exes, guy gets fatal brain tumor, etc,)are more realistic than any lame-o American soap- maybe because they don't sport red sequinned dresses and 5 pounds of make-up at 10:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. There's a chock full of good stuff happening in Albert Square- call you cable operator and get the Beeb if, for nothing else, this fabulous show!

I've never been sure if soaps are supposed to simulate real-life. If they are meant for this purpose, that's got to be the biggest waste of time in history. Why simulate real-life? We can all admit that most of our lives are repetitive and dull, so why would anyone want to watch a simulation of that, played out by people who don't even exist?

Eastenders is unconvincing to the extreme. Nobody seems to own a computer, washing machine or car. People seem to buy shares in local businesses within a matter seconds, with someone owning "half the Arches" or "half the Vic". Sam walks around with "the books", which really are books! Most business managers have computers and accountants to do that for them. Those who run stalls on the market like to leave their livelihoods with friends, simply handing over their money pouches. They're the lucky ones - a lot of the cast don't have jobs at all so how they manage to survive in east London is beyond me.

The "gangsters" are so unrealistic it's hard to watch. The scripts are terrible, mainly down to watershed restrictions, so the writers cannot include most swear-words and are forced to use words like "moron", "idiot" and "wally" which don't really work on the same scale.

Strangely enough, soaps are the shows that are watched the most in the UK, and I don't understand this. Numerous soap magazines are on the shelves, and these tell us what's going to happen in the coming weeks, so nobody really needs to watch at all.

I don't understand the concept of soaps, why anyone feels the need to watch and why there are so many.

Eastenders has gone full circle from unmissable in 1985 to totally abysmal now. It's such a bad reflection of the nation this crap tops the ratings.

The ideas for plots can consist of nothing more trivial than putting ever characters name in a hat. The first two out (regardless of their sex) will sleep with each other, the 3rd & 4th out will have a fight in the Vic, the 5th one will be arrested, the 6th develop an addiction, 7th get pregnant etc etc.

The producers are clever though. The 30 minute show is only actually ever comprised of 3 lines.

1) Someone will walk in the Vic & say "What's goin on?" 2) Someone else will stand up say "leave it aht" (out) 3) Then a woman will say "Doan choo come in ere 'n' insult mah fam'ly"

That's it. That's every show. Apart from the occasional "Get it sort-id / Is it sort-id?"

The show was once a realistic portrayal of East End folk & their way of life. The buffers came off when 1) They extended it from two nights a week & 2) The Slater family turned up. How they attract viewers is beyond me. The Kat character symbolizes everything that's gone wrong with society, treating anyone else like something she's pulled off the bottom of her shoe.

The people who vote her the best character, in these polls, must the same as the ones that vote Jamie Redknapp 'Best Sportsman' despite the fact he hasn't played a game for 3 years.

What I can never understand is if the show is the pinnacle of British TV why do all the biggest names leave? Ross Kemp, Martin Kemp, the list is endless.

How long has the longest couple's marriage lasted, with them being faithful to each other? Yes, people leave, but until the script writers realise that characters, couple can be interesting & likeable without sleeping around the show will continue to deteriorate. An episode last week had 3 separate plots of exactly that. And Zoe & the doctor top even Lofty & 'Shell' as 'Most Unconvincing Couple Ever to appear on TV.'

Yes, Eastenders is the most watched show, thats undisputed. But many external factors contribute to that. 19.30 / 20.00 is the perfect time of day to gain the most audience figures, it has an omnibus edition for 2 hours, and more than that, millions of the viewers watch it, out of nothing more than habit, but if they were completely honest to themselves, they would admit that (in 2002, more than ever), it can be absolutely pitiful.

The only reason this isn't less than 2, or 2 & a half stars out of 5 is because this isn't one of those poorly made mockbusters where the acting is non-existent, the same can not be said about the writing.