Phyton 2

Someone with Science Fiction clout, but no talent, in TV programming has decided that giant snakes, among the slowest creatures on earth, make frightening movie monsters. Well they don't. I dearly love monster movies, but these snake pictures are simply useless. This one follows the really awful, 'en vogue formula to the hilt, and straight down the slithery slope of utter ennui. In my estimation these "lighter than air, faster than greased pigs" reptiles are utterly without any redeeming "monster" qualities.

The snakes are almost incidental to the film. They are so badly portrayed as to have no personality, and absolutely no sense of dread about them. They are mechanical vehicles of the plot, which is terminally boring from the first scene. The only character I even cared about was the beautiful Russian redhead, and that's just because she is so gorgeous to watch. It seems that the director just didn't know how to portray people with any sense of timing or reality. The characters, and the acting, quickly fell apart under vague and vapid direction. The plot was never in attendance.

The film seemed to drag on forever as inept warriors pointed their fancy guns into dark corners, and blasted away at cartoon snakes to no discernable avail. The snakes moved much faster than the action. I felt that the director was simply trying to figure out how to prolong this mess long enough to eke out the requisite 90 minutes, sans commercials. It didn't work. Avoid this mess unless you are addicted to lovely redheads.

The original PYTHON is kind of all over the place in terms of its tone, the consistency of its special effects, acting, directing, production design, you name it. PYTHON II, however, is a much more consistent film throughout, and tells a story that is a structurally more simple and better suited for this type of film.

PYTHON is set in small town USA, but the sequel takes place somewhere in Russia with a backdrop of political tension with Chechnya. The bright colors of the first film give way to a more subdued pallet here, and the tone is more straight and narrow than some of the all out sillyness that has preceded it. PYTHON II is a more focused film though.

The focus here is more on the relationship between Dana Ashbrook and Billy Zabka's characters. Zabka, by the way, plays a much more intriguing version of Greg Larson in PYTHON II than he does in PYTHON. Zabka is allowed to spread his wings a bit more in this film. He's a more significant character and occupies a position of agency, whereas in the first film he mostly just reacts to things in the vein of a detective story. Ashbrook's Dwight Stoddart is a former MLB player with a rough past following him, and the lack of trust between him and Larson keeps a good deal of tension fueling the plot even when the snake is not present (hint: it is not present very often in this movie).

The shortcomings are obvious. To my knowledge they shot this one in about two weeks. The special effects, even for 2002, are lacking. Whereas the structure of the film's plot is not very ambitious, the scope of some of the special effects is. Squads of elite military soldiers attacking giant snakes in massive caves, stealth bombers conducting a bombing raid on a military base. These parts of the movie do not look that great because they're biting off more than they can chew. I like that the plot doesn't reach for much: the characters are after some secret cargo which they plan to transport. Larson hires Stoddart to transport it. Great. But some of the other stuff needs to fall into place with the scope of the film's budget, and trying to stretch out what the budget was capable of providing shows in ways that are not ideal. It's probably worth saying that the snake does not look better than it did in the first film.

PYTHON II is not a good movie per se, but if it's a bad movie it's far from being bad in an unbearable or offensive way. It's not perfect. It's kind of awkward at times, and not as 'fun' as PYTHON, but I recommend it to b-movie fans, especially if you enjoyed the first film, as PYTHON II puts in some admirable effort to make a connection with its predecessor.

Python (2000)

BOMB (out of 4)

Robert England plays a mad scientist who created a huge python that spits acid. I'm terrified of snakes, which means I usually have a good time being scared with snake movies but this one here was downright awful and ranks as one of the worst films I've seen the past twenty years. The acting is atrocious, the screenplay laughable and the special effects are terrible looking.

Python 2 (2002)

BOMB (out of 4)

The American government brings home an eight-five foot snake, which eventually escapes and starts eating people. This is another horrid, direct to video horror movie but it's slightly better than the first film since this one here runs ten minutes shorter. Is that any kind of recommendation?

There's a certain paint-by-numbers formula that these creature movies follow: the creature is always created by the military, which never makes any sense but we can live with it if the movie's good. The movie always seems to end up in a dark basement full of pipes. The good guys shoot the creature numerous times, but considering it's obviously added via CGI in post-production, shooting it never seems to have any effect. And then there's the half day of work they pay the pyrotechnics crew for, which is the last scene where the monster is destroyed. This movie follows the same formula, but overlays it with the Sci-Fi channel formula of having the characters behave obnoxiously and fight amongst themselves for reasons of, well, apparently they saw people doing that in a real movie once.

In this flick, a giant snake is loose in a really small Russian military base. A team of commandos goes in to get it, but they need a truck to haul it back with. Yeah, you know, all that training, all those weapons, all that organization, and a 100 thousand dollars to throw around, but no truck. So they do something that this audience member really regrets: they hire an American truck driver to accompany them.

So they get to the base and find that the 85 foot, 12 ton snake has escaped its refrigerator sized box, and since it's now obvious that they won't simply be hauling it back on a truck, they tell the truck driver to go away. Oh, if only he had. They even paid him the whole 100 grand, for doing nothing, and yet he still sticks around. What follows is the snake attacking these folks numerous times, and the truck driver whining and complaining about being put in danger. Didn't they give him 100 thousand and tell him to go away? He even punches the guy for getting him into the whole mess, but wait... he tried NOT to get him into this mess. Then he demands to know "the whole story". Oh please, please go away!

That's what really ruins this thing, the typical Sci-Fi Channel obnoxious lead character. Leave him out and it would have been quite watchable.

Where as the original "Python" was somewhat entertaning in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way, this made-for-cable-TV sequel fails on all levels.

"Python 2" is a horrible movie with nearly no relation to the original. A group of CIA thugs try to capture a large python and transport away for "Civilian Safety".

The lead actors (one of whom is played by Dana Ashbrook of "Twin Peaks") have zero chemistry together. The effects look very cheesy.

And the worst offense of all? William Zabka's returning character suffers the worst kind of character assasination. He is no longer portrayed as the good guy's (if bumbling) older brother small town cop, but is now the movie's main human bad guy. Shady right from the beginning, I was even uncertain this was the same character from the original...

I'm not saying that this "Python" franchise is the best... but at least if you are going to the trouble of bringing back a surviving character from the previous entry, don't alienate your fanbase and do a character swerve.

"Python 2" has no bite.