Lovelines

"Lovelines" is another so-called raunchy teen "comedy". It seems to have a bigger budget than most, but this is wasted on interminable musical numbers (the movie is set around a battle of the bands) and a pointless car chase scene where some of the footage is obviously sped up.

There are only two sort of memorable aspects of it: Michael Winslow, the guy who did the sound effects from the Police Academy Movies (and the only actor who was in every movie!), makes an unexplained appearance as the operator of a telephone service, and a scene right at the beginning which supplies the movie's only real nudity involving a synchronised swimming team whose suits have been sabotaged. As usual in these things, the only nudity comes from extras who have obviously been paid just for that; they have no speaking role and disappear from the movie after the blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash.

The scenes with Winslow seem completely foreign to the rest of the movie. The Wikipedia article tells me that he runs a telephone service called "Lovelines" involved in keeping the movie's lovebirds together. The movie itself doesn't contain this information, but then, I didn't even know it was a love story. I couldn't tell you the names of the characters involved, or remember a single scene with them.

In short, I guess you have to conclude that "Lovelines" fails at everything it attempts. At least I came away thinking that Michael Winslow is talented.

Lovelines is one of the worst films ever made. So why the Nine? In the very start of the movie, a girls' high school swim team has a prank played on them by girls from the rival high school and lose their suits, with an underwater camera on hand to take it all in. This is the best such scene of the 1980's. So while the Nine is heavily qualified, this scene turns a must-avoid into a must-have, at least for fans of such scenes.

There are some problems even in the scene. The swim girls veer between stupid behavior and going along with the gag at their expense. No scene is shown of them making a mad dash for the locker room. They react to an underwater camera they shouldn't know about. But if you want to see a voyeur scene that embodies all the rest, rent or buy Lovelines.

Seeing Lovelines I have to wonder if any of these kids ever got into any kind of college. The students at both Coldwater Canyon and Malibu High Schools seem to have sex, practical jokes, and which school has the best band and not necessarily in that order.

In this rivalry there is a Romeo and Julet in the mix. Greg Bradford of Coldwater Canyon and Mary Beth Evans of Malibu are the lead singers in their respective bands. Evans has a Tybalt in the family in the person of Frank Zagarino a six foot six muscle bound jock who will dismember on sight anyone from Coldwater Canyon High showing any attention to his sister Evans.

There's not a whole lot of laughs in Romeo And Juliet and there are damn little else besides the music. It all gets kind of silly as do these teen pictures do. Incidentally the leads were both pushing 30, but that's hardly new for the big or small screen.

I note that Greg Bradford made only one more film and then had a considerable career behind the camera up to 10 years ago. If you had to typecast California blond surfing god than Bradford was your first choice. He had female and gay male fans all over the globe, wonder what he's doing now?

Nothing intellectually challenging about the film. The music isn't bad if not my particular taste. And it all ends a lot better for the Coldwater Canyon and Malibu High kids than it did for the Montagues and Capulets.

The Bard turns up in the strangest places.

Lovelines is by no means deserves a reputation as the worst teen film of the '80s. It has some charm, particularly for '80s teen enthusiasts, and plenty of gaudy 1984 fashions, music, pop culture, footage of the Valley etc. It certainly isn't "Valley Girl" or "Fast Times.." but it is a worthy installment in the San Fernando Valley youth culture sub-genre. The plot is about the rivalry between Malibu High and Coldwater Canyon High with a Romeo & Juliet-like romance. Best of all is the movie's bad "rock" music concerning a battle of the bands with a hilariously awful all girl group and a rock band from the Valley. There's also a ridiculous costume party scene. It probably doesn't help that lead Greg Bradford was almost 30 playing a high school rocker, while director Rod Amateau (Garbage Pail Kids) was well in his 60s and far from knowing what was hip at the time. Mary Beth Evens and the very talented Michael Winslow actually fair quite well and the film is a well produced Tri-Star studio release. But either way the shortcomings add to the movie's cheese value, and it certainly is much less painful than dozens of other low budget, less professionally made teen films that swamped video stores in the '80s. These bad reviews for Lovelines probably comes from people who have only seen John Hughes and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I recently watched Lovelines (1984) on Tubi. The storyline follows two rival high schools who can't stand each other and compete heavily in everything from sports to battle of the bands. When a guy from one school falls in love with a girl from his rival, things get Harry between friends and family. Can the budding couple overcome the obstacles put in front of them and "make it?"

This picture is directed by Rodney Amateau (The Garbage Pail Kids Movie) and stars Greg Bradford (Zapped!), Michael Winslow (Police Academy), Mary Beth Evans (Days of Our Lives) and Miguel Ferrer (Traffic).

This has a strong nostalgic 80s feel to it with its cheesy brand of comedy and fun attire, hairstyles and circumstances. The storyline is fairly bland and straightforward. The music montages were way too long and the love story was just okay. Theres a sex scene in the principles office that could have been executed way better. Michael Winslow's scenes are just okay and feel a bit forced. There is a funny Deliverance reference and who doesn't love a great 80s soundtrack?

In conclusion, Lovelines doesn't reach the levels of Animal House, Police Academy or Meatball films that were so popular during this era. I would score this a 4/10 and recommend skipping it.