Proof that God is not real.
I am dumbfounded. We have churches and synagogues and books about this superior being that rules us, we have billions of people who worship this figure and devote their every fiber to him...but why? If God was real, why would he allow a movie as abysmal as "Tornado" to be created? "Tornado" is, shortly put, the worst thing I have ever seen.
Just from the prologue, I should've been able to tell that my eight bucks had been wasted down the drain. In a humorous flashback, a father photographs a tornado that has touched down on his ranch, and he straps himself to a tractor for security. However, the tornado is getting closer and closer, and time is running out! So what does this man do? What any sensible father would: he unstraps himself and commits suicide by getting sucked away into the whirly vortex behind him for no reason. This should have been forshadowing to the horror that awaited me, but I pressed on.
What is "Tornado" about? Well our characters drive somewhere, talk to some throw-away character for about five minutes, drive somewhere else, talk to some other guy, drive somewhere else, talk to another guy,rather rinse repeat 50x. In this films 98 minute long runtime, I'd say about 80 minutes are spent on talking in the car and talking to some overly dramatic expositionist. And the dialog is some of the worst and clichéd I've ever heard, with brilliant and witty lines like "God, if you're there, please help us all" or "I haven't touched myself in 20 years" "Nobody can stop me now! I am the ruler of a new world! *diabolical laughter*" Although, you could say the reason why there is so much dialog is because the film team was so embarrassed by the CGI; that would actually be a legit reason for filming so many pointless dialog scenes.
Speaking of CGI...oh, my, word. I cannot describe how asinine the effects in this movie are. I know this film is low budget and all...but, c'mon, this film was directed by a special effects artist, he couldn't give his team some input? The tornadoes look like the result of little kids drawing on the film tape with their crayons.
Actually, I think this film might be worth it for the ending. The 1st and 2nd act of this movie might the biggest waste of film tape in history, but the final act is where the crap hits the ceiling. Ever want to see a tornado with a face and arms? Ever want to see multiple tornadoes with faces and arms, picking up people and eating them as they twist along? Well, here is your movie. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest climaxes I've ever seen.
In all seriousness, the funniest part might not be in the movie itself, but in the "behind the scenes" extra. In it, the director goes off about how his film is "modern day art" and a "flawless masterpiece in every field." To this day, some say my jaw is still there, sitting on the floor. I understand wanting to show pride in your work, this guy goes on and on and on about how flawless this movie is, when he is absolutely oblivious to the steaming pile of feces he has produced. Even if Werner Herzog were to speak this way about Fitzcarraldo it'd be annoying, but Alain Jakubowicz's regard makes him look like a fool.
If I pass away and head on to the pearly gates, God will ask me "You were an atheist? Dear man, why did thou not believe in me?" and I will just pull this DVD out of my pocket. Then again, I would be carrying this DVD around in my pocket, so I guess I lose on every account.
Just from the prologue, I should've been able to tell that my eight bucks had been wasted down the drain. In a humorous flashback, a father photographs a tornado that has touched down on his ranch, and he straps himself to a tractor for security. However, the tornado is getting closer and closer, and time is running out! So what does this man do? What any sensible father would: he unstraps himself and commits suicide by getting sucked away into the whirly vortex behind him for no reason. This should have been forshadowing to the horror that awaited me, but I pressed on.
What is "Tornado" about? Well our characters drive somewhere, talk to some throw-away character for about five minutes, drive somewhere else, talk to some other guy, drive somewhere else, talk to another guy,rather rinse repeat 50x. In this films 98 minute long runtime, I'd say about 80 minutes are spent on talking in the car and talking to some overly dramatic expositionist. And the dialog is some of the worst and clichéd I've ever heard, with brilliant and witty lines like "God, if you're there, please help us all" or "I haven't touched myself in 20 years" "Nobody can stop me now! I am the ruler of a new world! *diabolical laughter*" Although, you could say the reason why there is so much dialog is because the film team was so embarrassed by the CGI; that would actually be a legit reason for filming so many pointless dialog scenes.
Speaking of CGI...oh, my, word. I cannot describe how asinine the effects in this movie are. I know this film is low budget and all...but, c'mon, this film was directed by a special effects artist, he couldn't give his team some input? The tornadoes look like the result of little kids drawing on the film tape with their crayons.
Actually, I think this film might be worth it for the ending. The 1st and 2nd act of this movie might the biggest waste of film tape in history, but the final act is where the crap hits the ceiling. Ever want to see a tornado with a face and arms? Ever want to see multiple tornadoes with faces and arms, picking up people and eating them as they twist along? Well, here is your movie. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest climaxes I've ever seen.
In all seriousness, the funniest part might not be in the movie itself, but in the "behind the scenes" extra. In it, the director goes off about how his film is "modern day art" and a "flawless masterpiece in every field." To this day, some say my jaw is still there, sitting on the floor. I understand wanting to show pride in your work, this guy goes on and on and on about how flawless this movie is, when he is absolutely oblivious to the steaming pile of feces he has produced. Even if Werner Herzog were to speak this way about Fitzcarraldo it'd be annoying, but Alain Jakubowicz's regard makes him look like a fool.
If I pass away and head on to the pearly gates, God will ask me "You were an atheist? Dear man, why did thou not believe in me?" and I will just pull this DVD out of my pocket. Then again, I would be carrying this DVD around in my pocket, so I guess I lose on every account.
- TheSonomaDude
- 5 feb 2011