Arctic Armageddon

The first moment they show the navy sub that plays a central role in the movie, they show what looks like an auditorium, with a vaulted ceiling, not even a pretense of the tight spaces of a real submarine, and the cheesiest mock-up of radar stations I've ever seen. Then the Commanding Officer calls a woman "Commander" and "XO" (Executive Officer) who is wearing the proper insignia of a First Class Petty Officer (E-6), which is beyond stupid. It seems like they did it as a joke to see if anyone would notice. Every moment looks like something completely different from a submarine CO giving orders to his crew.

All the other comments about the acting are really true. The acting is Mark-Hamill-as-Luke-Skywalker-in-the-first-Star-Wars-movie bad. I can't understand what inspired the 7 out of 10 rating, but it's certainly one of the worst movies you should spare yourself the trouble of watching.

Of course I had never heard about this 2023 natural disaster movie titled "Arctic Armageddon" prior to stumbling upon it here in 2024. And given my love of natural disaster movies, despite the fact that the majority of them are crap, then of course I opted to give the movie a chance.

And seeing those two dreaded words on the screen, The Asylum, as the movie started, I have to admit that my expectations to the movie went from slim to none. Yeah, The Asylum aren't exactly known for their stellar movies. But every now and again they do spew out something worthwhile.

"Arctic Armageddon" wasn't one of those rare instances where The Asylum churned out an impressive movie. In fact, writers Jeremiah Crothers and Tammy Klein delivered a massive heap of a dumpster fire. The entire movie was pointless, and it just amazingly boring and dull. There was so little of any natural disaster going on throughout the course of the 86 minutes that the movie ran for. Instead we are treated to the communication of people stuck in a submarine and some spearhead government group of people on land. Talk about a swing and a miss of a narrative.

The only face on the cast list that I was familiar with was actor Patrick Labyorteaux. The acting performances in the movie were actually fair enough, but nothing outstanding or memorable, especially when taking into consideration the total lack of a properly interesting script and narrative that they had to work with.

The effects in the movie weren't bad, and it is good to see that The Asylum are investing more in their effects department in comparison to their older movies.

While I managed to endure the staggering 86 minutes of boredom that is "Arctic Armageddon", this is definitely not a natural disaster movie that I would recommend you to waste your time, money or effort on. Some of us suffered through this, so you don't have to; you're very welcome.

My rating of director James Mahoney's 2023 movie "Arctic Armageddon" lands on a two out of ten stars.

This would have to be a total waste of time and resources to produce. The script doesn't make sense from beginning to end. Whoever thought this would ever be entertaining must have been brain dead. Even the walking dead wouldn't stay to watch such a pathetic movie. The actors must have been desperate for a gig as anyone with half a brain would question the script after reading it.

Simply put, don't waste time watching this, I did and instantly regret the decision. Go out and play ball, go get a coffee, even go and do the weekly shopping, it will bring you more joy than watching this movie. Just garbage.

I only gave this movie a third star because the opening scene was intriguing and promised an interesting story. Unfortunately, the promise was never fulfilled. I don't know who deserves the most blame (director, script writer, actors, or editors or a combination of all of them) but the plot was beyond ridiculous. Almost all the actors appeared to be reading their lines, not living them. There were so many holes in the sequence of events that you could drive a Mack Truck through them. The special effects were repetitive to the point of boredom. The same goes for the dialogue. I do have to say that I enjoyed several laughs, although I'm sure it isn't what the creators of the film were aiming for.

The actors are awful, the scenario is awful, the special effects are awful, everything is awful, to the point that they almost match the worst film ever filmed.

However, I enjoyed it. A lot. I laughed at the indigent play of the actors, of the green screen effects, at the scenario which merits an igNobel Prize in Physics, everything is so low-cost that Ryan Air becomes Air France face to this inept film.

However, I enjoyed the hairstyle of the actress playing Dr Wood, I will ask my wife to copy that haircut.

Finally, I would like to thank the director who perpetrated this film. I spent an enjoyable moment by laughing in front of my TV.