Sharknado

That's it. That's my review. I can't top the title in explanation, you have Twister and Jaws in one movie with none of the budget or talent. It's the best B movie I've seen. I can't top that. I can't expand on that. I'm literally just typing to fill IMDb'S 10 line rule. See this line? This line holds no purpose! Just watch this movie. That's it. That's all. Oh look I reached my limit. I can post this now. I can post this simple stupid possibly junk review now right? Because this movie is review proof. It's perfect. It's awesome. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS AND NOT WATCHING TORNADO SHARKS!? Seriously you have no reason to read anymore, you know this movie contains Sharks and Tornados. It's exactly as stupid as you think, go watch it NOW!

Sharknado, the hit SyFy Channel original has positioned itself as critic-proof, cheeseball goofiness incarnate. The entire enterprise is a joke. Sharknado knows it is a cheesy SyFy original movie, and it doesn't apologize for it. It is tongue-in-cheek, self aware, and sarcastic. "How can you criticize this movie?" some might ask, "It's supposed to be goofy!". Well goofiness is great if it is entertaining. Sharknado is not entertaining in the least.

I'll skip the credits, skip the plot and get right down to business, this movie is a crappy made-for-TV snooze-fest, starring D-list celebrities and made by inept "filmmakers" who seem to have trouble differentiating between endearingly cheesy and downright bad. Sharknado is "critic-proof" because of the assumption that viewing the movie critically would expose its cheesiness, which is intentional. However, the problem with Sharknado is not that it is silly, it's that it is boring.

The cast has no charm, the effects are in a dead zone between not bad enough to be funny, and not good enough to be convincing, the look of the film is murky and dull, and the action scenes are incomprehensible and poorly edited. Sharknado is an absolute bore. It is an example of how a critic-proof, self-aware, tongue-in-cheek cheesefest can still go horribly wrong. Yes, I "get" Sharknado. It is meant to be a dumb B-movie, I understand, but dumb fun does require more than just conscious stupidity. Sharknado is not entertaining, a flaw that will sink any movie, whether it has shark-filled tornadoes or not.

20/100

Instead of frequently used movie adjectives such as "Riveting," or "Unbelievable," the "Sharknado" billboard uses the descriptive words, "Enough Said." I don't know why but these words make me laugh, and they set the tone for this ridiculously silly movie. I love scary movies when the enemy is not a real threat to me or any other movie watcher. Therefore, I don't watch stalker or slasher movies.

There are sharks coming from every direction when they're catapulted into the sky by a freak storm that carries them everywhere. No place is safe.

Common sense is rarely used in this type of movie. I'll admit that "The Birds" is in a different league, but I always wonder why no one thinks to wear a hat that could deter at least some of the birds for awhile, especially a construction hat or football helmet. In Sharknado the sharks are vicious and hungry. Why no one in this movie can get away from these sharks baffles me. There are so many that its easy to get pelted by one. Pelted and then chewed, even swallowed. No one seems to remember that sharks can't walk or run on the land. Once they land on the ground, they would be stuck without rushing water to move them along.. Our hero---played by Ian Ziering---and his family and friends must take a proactive approach to fight these big fish while waiting for the torrential storms to pass.

This movie has some great foreshadowing. You can predict that certain characters will not be around much longer. But who cares? If you don't mind watching people get dismembered, or even swallowed, you may enjoy this movie as much as I did.

While I give this one star, I strongly encourage everyone to see this movie. Not because it is good or has a single redeeming factor, but because if Ed Wood set out intentionally with an unlimited budget to make the worst movie ever, he could not have made something this bad.

The law of large numbers would seem to imply that in 86 minutes you'd have to get something right by accident, and yet this movie doesn't. A second look at Alien Apocalypse (which admittedly requires a masochistic nature to undertake) at least reveals passable cinematography and consistent lighting. And yet Sharknado rises above mathematics to give us a film that is bad in every single possible way.

Continuity is shrugged off completely. The same scene moves from daylight to dusk, rain to sunshine, storm surge to quiet beach, with every single new camera angle. It is so blatantly bad you are distracted from the more subtle inconsistencies like objects moving around, attire, wind, or quality of film from one cut to the next.

If you manage to close your eyes you are immediately taken in by the sound. How the sound editor managed to get to work on what had to be an acid-enhanced bender of epic proportions to warrant these results is beyond me. I'm reluctant to suggest using your stereo's sound-leveling technology for fear your sound system will simply melt from the strain.

One is almost loath to point a finger at suspension of disbelief when it comes to a movie whose premise is sharks in tornadoes, but whatever level you plan to come in with is almost surely going to fall far short. This movie has more WTF moments in 86 minutes than Lost could pull off in 86 seasons. And everyone gets to play, not just those with a working knowledge of wind shear or the physics that keep a helicopter in the air. If you've played pool, fished, surfed, driven a car in water deeper than two inches, been exposed to gravity, or otherwise in any way have interacted with or gained some understanding of the world around you, this movie has something for you to go "wha!?!" about.

And while you would think that once you had bad special effects, bad editing, and bad sound strung together you'd get at least one Bruce Campbell out of the cast to latch on to. Not so here, as every actor turned in a performance that shows they were more confused than the viewer about what was happening. We could guess it was because they were given the script out of order, but as a viewer of the final product I'm not sure I've seen the scenes in order, they are that disjointed.

I've tried very hard to find something that was done well or noteworthy about this movie and the only thing I can come up with is that it is the only movie I have ever seen that has failed on absolutely every level. If you tried to make a movie this bad you would inadvertently get something right purely on accident. And that is its one bright, shining point of light. That it would be almost impossible to make something this terrible ever again.

I only wish this movie had been released to Drive-In theaters and been promoted on a twin bill with any other low rent/grade/brow cinematic masterpiece from the ill human beings at SyFy.

To paraphrase Elvis Costello- I just don't know where to begin.. Wooden acting, special effects from a Midwestern middle school science fair, a script that veers wildly from insipid to bizarre to total nonsense, actors that should face summary execution if they made only scale and still cashed their paychecks, a director that makes Ed Wood look like Ingmar Bergman. In other words a glorious triumph of B-grade movie making..

As you take in the visceral train wreck (that could only be better if released in grainy 8mm), you are reminded of what good/bad scifi is. Absolute suspension of disbelief, pure enjoyment of the insanity of it all, and a curious thought that you could not enjoy life more if you were shotgunned Thai sticks by Godzilla himself..

It is the generic Twinkie of B movies. Made all the better by the fact that it IS a cheap, sickeningly self indulgent wad of fluff that you feel doubly guilty of consuming.

God help me I do love it so....