Cocaine Shark

This year saw the release of not only Cocaine Bear...but a series of D-grade, ultra low budget spinoffs, like Cocaine Cougar...and, of course, this piece of Polonia produced trash...Cocaine Shark.

Which is not exactly what you'd think it would be, judging by the image on the poster...ie a giant shark, high on cocaine.

Rather, cocaine is spiked with some sort of bio-chemical, derived from sharks, that makes addicts hallucinate that they are shark-like humanoid creatures.

Or, more inexplicably, "crab sharks"...which manifest with a combination of shark and "crab" features (though they are more lobster like, in actuality).

On top of this iconic creativity...it features the piss poor dialogue you'd expect from a homemade horror...and some of the worst acting to ever grace the screen.

But the creatures- rendered with stop motion- are actually kind of cool.

In a lame sort of way.

But that doesn't make the title any less misleading.

Whether you like it (and why would you?), or not, this is sort of trash that Polonia has made a name for himself doing.

Leaving you to wonder how he actually manages to fund these projects.

My guess, would be from the overtime shifts at his McDonald's job.

But you've got to admire his passion.

Because there's no doubt he knows he sucks at making films...but doesn't let that slow him down.

As he shamelessly persists to produce worse and worse films...that are somewhat, laughably, entertaining.

Luckily, this one is relatively short.

So it's not to much of a burden to watch...when you want to get your cinemasochism on.

2 out of 10.

I wish I could rate Cocaine Shark a 0/10. A 1 is too high.

Everything on the cover is a lie. There is no cocaine in this "movie". There is no great white shark. There certainly is no shark eating a block of cocaine or getting covered in it.

Instead, you get a plot revolving around human consumption of a fictional drug derived from a gland within shark bodies... or something. Whatever it is, it's definitely not cocaine. There's scenes of people lying in bed together and taking the drug and talking about it.

The closest thing to a shark here is a plastic creature with a hammerhead shark head and a lobster body which chases the main characters.

Guess this is the logical end result of taking what's already an intentionally bad movie in Cocaine Bear and using it to sell something else, where nothing other than the cover art matters. It's not a ripoff of Cocaine Bear, that would require a plot and content with any resemblance to it- rather, you will feel ripped off, even if you watch it for free.

With a low rating, and no expectations. Was expecting this film to be terrible giving its low budget and its parody title. The cover art made it look half way decent but overall there isn't anything really redeeming about this film.

The sharks are animated looking, and it isn't in a funny way. The acting is amateurish where's it's too distracting to take anything serious. The story isn't intriguing and there's no suspense, no mystery and in the end we wonder as to why we watched. It's not a film that's funny in a "so bad it's good" way, it's simply cheesy and forced. Not worth the watch. Far better low budget films out there.

Laughably bad movie but highly entertaining. Beware the shark/lobster hybrid. Probably based on a Godzilla critter. The villains are supposed to be from Latin America but are a couple white dudes the casting director probably found in a local bar. The mysterious femme fatale from Belgium has zero accent. She's probably the bar maid. Fake blood made from jello. On so on. In these days of bad news and doom scrolling a really good trashy movie can provide fun. Can't wait til Rifftraks jumps on this party boat. If you're watching this film you're a fan of weird mutant animal films. As far as tge genre goes this one was watchable.

I remembered when the movie was announced and of course I was planning to watch it. I mean, an insane title such as "Cocaine Shark" just screams of a movie you have to watch. Granted, I wasn't harboring any expectations to the movie at all, after having seen the trailer.

And now I finally had the opportunity to sit down and watch "Cocaine Shark". And let me just clarify that "Cocaine Shark" from writer Bando Glutz and director Mark Polonia is by no means a contender to the hilarious "Cocaine Bear" movie. Not even remotely. Nay, "Cocaine Shark" is an abysmal movie in every possible aspect.

The storyline in "Cocaine Shark" was pretty simplistic. The writing was bland and the narrative was amazingly mundane and sluggish. There was nothing thrilling or exciting about the storyline, unless you consider it being a massive dumpster fire as being exciting.

The acting performances in the movie were amateurish, wobbly, questionable and laughable at best. Needless to say that there wasn't a single famous performer on the cast list. Not even Nicolas Cage would touch this with a stick.

The special effects in "Cocaine Shark" were exactly that; special. Yeah, you have to see how crappy and poor the special effects, practical effects and CGI effects are throughout the course of the 76 minutes that the movie ran for in order to believe that something like that actually comes to see the light of day in 2023.

The movie's cover/poster over-sells the movie a million times. Yeah, there was no shark looking like that in the movie. Nope, not even remotely. The sharks in the movie were either toy sharks or horribly rendered CGI sharks that wouldn't even fool a blind man.

There are plenty of horrible and laughable shark-themed movies out there, but "Cocaine Shark" is definitely a contender for the top three of crappy shark movies.

Do yourself a favor and stay well clear of "Cocaine Shark". Some of us suffered through this, literally, so you don't have to.

My rating of "Cocaine Shark" lands on a one out of ten stars.